aspiring actors: $8 issue #6,000,024
aspiring strippers: free Sep. 19 - Sep. 25, 2002
Carnegie Mellon’s leading source of cutting edge medical research since 1895 - brought to you by the Activities Board
Your Girlfriend from Home is Cheating on You
Recent evidence has confirmed that your long- Although no other recordings have surfaced,
time girlfriend from back home has been seeing sources at readme's sister publication ‘north-
other people. This comes as a shock to you, western-me’ report that she has been seen at
because she has been on record as saying that numerous fraternity parties in the company of
she "wanted to stay together" even though you well-known horny individuals. Senior corre-
go to different schools. spondent Steve
Suspicions of her Halloway reports,
unfaithfulness were "Oh that ho? Yeah,
confirmed when your she gets around. I
new friend Dan from snatched a piece of Local Sluts Lobby For
Interpretation and that myself. Baaaah!"
Rights on Campus
her in a picture you Sources close to you CMU's local chapter of Frat Ho's
showed to him. indicate that you are has organized and is petitioning for
According to Dan, going to be upset, but increased representation around
"When he showed me it will be for the best campus. CMU has a 3:2 male-to-
the picture I was think- in the long run. female ratio, and a 8:1 ugly-to-hot
ing, ‘man that girl looks “I think I can make out a...oh no, wait that's a knee According to your ratio. Frats Ho's fit into both minor-
familiar.’ Then I realized mother, "I never liked ity groups, or at least seem to in a
she was the same girl that was in an MPEG my her. She always seemed slutty to me, but of testosterone-saturated environment.
friend sent me of him f***ing some girl at course I could never say words like 'slutty' in
Northwestern University." front of my son." A recent poll of female stu- While CMU has numerous groups
dents suggests that your prospects of finding a which represent minority interests
The editing staff, reporters, and photographers new girlfriend at CMU are promising, but not on campus, such as ASA and
at readme viewed the MPEG, along with a cou- great. When shown a picture, 63% of those Women's Center, the ecstatic giggles
ple of guys from the Tartan. There is no doubt polled indicated that you are "cute in a Jeff of Frat Ho's have gone unheard by
that the girl is in fact your girlfriend, and that Goldblum kind of way, but you need to get rid the Student Senate. The group is
she's not really as hot as you said she is. of the stupid goatee." currently in the process of
approaching the student government
CMU California More Popular Than Pittsburgh Main Campus with their few and reasonable
Experts Site Weather, Weather and Weather as Possible Reasons requests. Issue 1) A place to meet on
Carnegie Mellon West, CMU's schools culminated in the mur- Robotics Department at CMU campus, besides the Morewood bus
California sister school, has der of Tupac Shakur and West. He could not be reached stop and the dumpsters behind
overtaken Carnegie Mellon's Biggie Smalls in the late 90's. for comment, as he had an DTD. Issue 2) Funds to attract new
main campus according to audition for All My Children. younger and blonder sluts to CMU, a
recent admissions statistics. scholarship program, perhaps. Issue
CMU West received over six CMU bigwig Jared Cohon 3) The creation of a community out-
thousand applications, while reported being encouraged by reach program to teach hoochie
Pittsburgh's East campus the success of the branch cam- dancing to underprivileged children
received fourteen applications pus and has discussed opening after school.
and a stern talking-to. further campuses elsewhere.
"I've had talks with Shredder "Our initial talks with the, um, presi-
Professor The Shredder lectures at
NASA-funded CMU West, CMU’s Dimension X Campus and Krang; they're very inter- dent of senate, were like rilly rilly
which currently offers Masters ested in starting something in encouraging. Brian Namey is such a
Degrees in three exciting fields, Bill Scherlis, a former Eastern Dimension X. We've been hottie. I think we totally convinced
was originally conceived to campus computer science pro- thinking multi-dimensional and him," said Frat Ho representative
expand CMU’s expertise in fessor, chose to switch sides international.” Regarding the Tiffiny Williams between gum
Computer Science, with closer when he saw a map of the possibility of CMU Dimension chews. "Isn't this the cutest halter
ties to Silicon Valley. A full country on the Weather X, Shredder stated "I'LL GET top? And look, you can see my tat-
year of bitter East Coast/West Channel. Scherlis will be YOU TURTLES!!! Tonight I too - it's a butterfly!"
Coast rivalry between the heading up the Complicated dine on turtle soup!"
Issue 6,000,024 - readme p. 2 - September 19, September 25
Greece Bans Video Games, Dorks Declare Crusade
Prompted by a general ban on all video games
in the Mediterranean nation of Greece,
Carnegie Mellon Students plan to make a pil-
grimage to the ancient nation to spread the
good word as it was handed down to us by the 9/18 2:13 pm-Elevator Infraction
Japanese. "The Greeks think that by making 2000 people were arrested Thursday
laws against Games, that Games will cease to for taking the Wean elevators down
exist and to act upon their lives" said junior one floor. CMU Police planned the
Chemical Engineering major Susan Stein. "But sting months ago. All the actors
Games came before man, Games remain more were forced to wear T-shirts that
powerful than man, and the laws of Games read "I'm too lazy to walk down one
supercede the laws of man." fricking flight of stairs."
The recently unearthed “Dead Sea Cartridge”
Stein has formed CrossSeekers, an organization Theo Bowler, a second-year CrossSeeker. 9/15 6:00pm-Disgusting Andrew
that takes its name from the cross-shaped direc- Andrew Hong, who has been a CrossSeeker for Command
tional pad found on the controller of most almost the entire year, said he, "...can't wait to Late Saturday night, after allegedly
modern console gaming systems. This created set up my big-ass digital projector and play drinking a gallon of Windex (later
an immediate conflict with the existing religious Tetris on the ruins of the Parthenon." At a cer- discovered to be Pepsi Blue), a CS
group on campus who already laid claim to the emony celebrating 48 consecutive perfects in major decided to login in to Andrew
name CrossSeekers, which resulted in a brief Street Fighter 2, Susan Stein ruminated, "It is and type "finger ass". Within min-
but bloody conflict. According to Stein, "We written: 'As the godly rose against the pagan, so utes, a Computing Services swat
fell upon them as they blindly prayed, surround- shall the Gamers rise against all.’ Where is it team found the actor and kicked
ed by their idols, their artifacts, and their relics, written? It's an Easter Egg in Mega Man II, that him with the (+4) Boot of Passion.
weeping for mercy from their unhearing god. shows up if hold down buttons B and Select on
When the singing of our blades met the gnash- the second controller as you enter the part of 9/16 4:00am - Emo Tears of Fury
ing of their teeth they were felled to a man." Wood Man's stage where the dogs breathe fire." A self-described "Emo kid" was
caught flooding Morewood 4E after
CrossSeekers is now in final preparations for Stein continued, "Without video games, the his girlfriend broke up with him...
their mission of mercy to Greece. "We're look- Greeks don't know which way is up. When we're AGAIN. Campus Police gave him
ing forward to the chance to bring order and done with them, they'll know not only Up, but real music and told the actor to stop
devotion to the savage peoples of the land of Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, being a sissy.
gyros and Balki Bartokomous" said freshman B, A, Select, Start.”
US News & World Report Alphabetizes College Rankings, CMU Gets Shaft
According to this year's U.S. News & World ter magazine." CMU Galaxy News &
Report College Rankings, Carnegie Mellon Universe Report, will begin circulation next
moves from the prestigious 23rd position month. The new ranking system is based on
down to 378, in the fourth tier of schools. CMU occupying the top spot and placing
US N&WR changed their criteria used for Princeton, Harvard, and Yale at the end of
judging schools from thorough evaluation of the list. Categories will include, number of
academic standards to reverse-alphabetical- students who can recite pi to 200 digits, per-
order of names. Carnegie Mellon now ranks centage of freshmen who realize that they
between Central Michigan University and are at the wrong school, and the availability
California Miming University. According to of "frat ho's."
US N&WR senior editor Ronald Horowitz,
"This was much easier to compile, and not Hey, still with me? Really? That’s awesome,
really any less accurate." thanks for reading this far into this article.
Now I feel kinda bad, because you probably
President Cohon believes that the new rank- kept reading expecting a really good joke or
ing will not affect the number of applicants something. I can’t really think of one. Oh
for the 2003-2004 school year. "We have hey, I got one. A Pirate walks into a bar with
been promoting our school using that inac- a steering wheel in between his legs. The
curate ranking for years. This year we have a bartender says, “Hey, you have a steering
new strategy, we're making our own ranking wheel in your crotch.” The pirate says, “Yar,
system and publishing it in a new, even bet- it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Issue 6,000,024 - readme p. 3 - September 19, September 25
Letters, Opinions & Editorials
Dear Whoever, It’s okay to take your ID
card off your neck now,
We take your letters and then forward them to someone else to answer.
orientation is over
Dear Whoever, Dear Whoever
I just got to CMU and classes are all either hard Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t it be
or boring, and I haven't made any friends, but I "Whomever?"
don't want to quit and give up and call home or -Gerald P. Costanzo, Professor of English
anything. I’m just feeling really insecure about and Creative Writing
myself. What should I do? yo, representing West Wing...
-Homesick in Hammerschlag Dear Gerald,
Why are freshmen compelled to wear
Ever since I turned 18, I've just been so hot for
their ID and key cards around their
Dear Homesick, everything that moves! I just can't get enough!
necks? Did I miss something? Did Ja
Iraq is on the verge of developing nuclear For months now, I've been [expletive]ing and
Rule start wearing his Discover Card
and/or biological weapons, which they almost [expletive]ing everything I could get my mouth
on a rope and start a trend?
certainly will use against the United States. You and [expletive] around! Come see pictures,
are right to be worried and insecure. Like so movies, and more at www.collegegals.com!
Listen kids, grow up. I know you are
many of your countrymen, you can see what -Candy, model with www.collegegals.com
used to conventional key shaped keys,
the rest of the world cannot: We are in immi-
but it’s time to adapt to life at college.
nent danger of not only being attacked by the Dear Whoever,
Similar to your house and car keys,
terrorist regime, but also of pouring a only Where have all the cowboys gone?
key cards fit nicely in your pocket.
moderately gratuitous amount of money into -Paula Cole
And they can even be put in your wal-
our military. In years past, we have poured a
let next to your Sprite Rocket Points
ludicrously gratuitous amount in, and as the Dear Paula,
Card. You are not going to lose them.
world's only remaining superpower, we must Paranoia strikes deep. Into your life, it will
Put a little note on the inside of your
live up to this standard. creep. It starts when you're always afraid. Step
door that says “don’t forget key and
-Vice President Dick Cheney out of line, the man come, and take you away.
ID card” and spare the rest of us
from looking at your face twice.
A Look Back at The Events of The Week In Pictures
Monday: Penguins Fans greet Miss Tuesday: Donatella Versace unveils Wednesday: Pringles intro- Thursday: The convention of Chevy Chase
Pennsylvania Autumn Marisa, who this season’s line. Crazy-Homeless- duces its new anatomically near-look-alikes meet for the first time, in
also won the PA level Lifestyle and Chic, predicted to take fashion world correct packaging. ‘Lays’ pota- Wisconsin. Topics discussed included “How it’s
Fitness in Swimsuit competition. by storm. to chips refuse comment not cool anymore to look like Chevy Chase”
What is readme? Well, it’s funny and it’s useful. And free. So it’s pretty much the best thing going.
Who makes it? readme is printed by the Activities Board, sponsored by your student activities fee
Where do I get it? readme is handed out at AB events, left in stacks around campus, and online at an undisclosed location (or not)
How do I help? E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. We need all kinds of people, funny writers, un-funny writers, photoshoppers...
And remember: Knowing is half the battle.
Editing & Writing Staff
Skittles: Alex Schimel, Dana Vinson
Kilties: Fred Merkle, Muffin, Pete Milder, Aileen D’Esposito, Ashley Holtgraver, Nathaniel Manista, Michael Blain, Chris Rotella, David
Kaplan, Colleen Gault, Eric West, Chris Boette, Dinah Winnick, Purin Hanich, Ross Christy, Lindsay Spriggs, Chaos, Trevor Pierce, Todd
Frey, Molly McAshan, Zachery Anderson, Ben Magallon
Issue 6,000,024 - readme p. 4 - September 19, September 25
This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life
Use the University Center Recycling Room Cheap Movies in
From the first floor of the Now all the UC needs is a cluster, adequite dining facilities, a bigger
gym, and a rec center
University Center, leading out-
Some are brought to you by the Activities
side, you may have noticed a
Board, and one by SDC. Try and guess
green hallway. This is the which one! $1 with student ID, $3 without.
University Center Recycling Room,
and it was installed by Green Wednesday: Happiness - uh, this comes
Practices last April in honor of out on Thursday, so you missed it. But
Earth Day 2002. You can find rent it, it’s good.
it directly opposite McConomy
If you've ever been bitter about being
Auditorium, and it is there so
dumped by someone who had a really cool
that you can be more environ-
family, this movie is for you. Not only does
mentally conscious about your
it have Jon Lovitz, but he gets to place a
curse on the cool family of the chick who
dumps him. They become dysfunctional,
The room contains receptacles
and all of their lives go to hell. What more
for nine different kinds of refuse: a garbage can, so you don't contaminate the recyclable
could you ask for on a Wednesday night?
materials due to laziness, three separate bins for glass, plastic, and cans, which can be recy-
cled together at many locations around campus, but should be carefully separated here, Thursday: The Believer - 8, 10, 12
and a bin for office paper, which you can also recycle in almost every computer cluster,
classroom, office, or academic department. Contrary to a popular but incorrect belief that It seems that in the mid 1960s, the leader of
newspaper can simply be recycled alongside white office paper, it can’t be - fortunately, the the American Nazi Party was actually
recycling room allows for this sort of recycling, too! Three useful bins are also present for Jewish. This is the story of his life, except
recycling transparencies, cardboard and CDs. it's got a lot of embellishment, doesn't actu-
ally mention anyone's actual name, and lies
The corridor also houses two green iMacs, as well as informational placards. They provide about some stuff.
much more detailed information about the Recycling Center. So, please be responsible in
Friday: Panic Room - 8, 10, 12
your use of the University Center Recycling Center.
So, if you ever decide you'd like to live
inside of a mansion in NYC, try to choose
DVD Review: Carl Sagan’s Cosmos one where a dead millionaire hadn't hid his
fortune before he died. If you do anyway, be
The thirteen hours of Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" is sure to remember the key to the "secret"
nothing short of a wholly scientific (and most con- room so they won't find you. And if you do,
troversially, atheist) compendium of the human well, you still might die. I just review movies,
condition. Indeed, Dr. Sagan intended his most what do you want?
famous work for all humanity (which at the time of
Saturday: The Sweetest Thing - 8, 10, 12
its creation was gripped in the tensions of the cold
war) and colored it with the message of the won-
Prepare to suspend your disbelief. The ulti-
derment of human existence, and the futility of
mate fantasy of any CMU student, this is a
bringing about its end.
movie about a girl who hooks up with a guy,
decides she likes him, and spends an entire
It's all here: the origin of the universe, galaxies,
movie trying to track him down. But get
stars, and planets, the origin of life on Earth from
this: Unlike girls in real life that do this, the
universal circumstances and its likelihood of origin
girls in this movie actually AREN'T PSY-
elsewhere, and the evolution of human life from
the earliest life on Earth, all presented in parallel
with the human history of science that discovered Sunday : Joe's Apartment - 8, 10, 12
it all. If you didn't get enough bizarre footage and
affection for spiders, beetles, and the like
It's alternately cautionary and optimistic, detailing the cases of the philosophers under from last semester's "The Naked Lunch,"
Democritus of Io and the astronomers of Alexandria. Both groups independently discov- Joe's Apartment might be for you. Set more
ered heliocentricity, respectively 2000 and 1200 years before Copernicus and both saw their in the presumed-lifestyle of Adam Sandler
lives destroyed and theories suppressed at the hands of religious and mystic zealots. The than that of William S. Burroughs.
DVD also dares to dream of a humanity that persists, thrives, and flourishes among the stars.
Issue 6,000,024 - readme p. 5 - September 19, September 25
This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life
Art at Carnegie Mellon ...yes, there is art at CMU.
This Week at the FRAME gallery
The FRAME is a student operated art gallery located on the corner of Margaret Morrison Street and From The Desk Of
Forbes Ave. The FRAME is open Friday through tuesday, 12-5pm. Student Body President
Emily Treat ('03) will exhibit 2D works featuring watercolor.
Opening reception Friday, 9/20 7-9pm. From time to time, Student Government
will use this column to promote events and
Currently at the Miller Gallery to communicate informally some of the
The Miller Gallery is located in the Purnell Center. Hours are 11:30 - 5:00, Tuesday - Thursday things we're working on, and I thank
readme for giving me the opportunity to do
Passage, a video work by Shirin Neshat is a poetic and visually stunning
piece with an accompanying soundtrack by Phillip Glass. Dominique Blain's
First, allow me to provide a brief overview
works on the second floor are charged with political force, moving from intri-
of Student Government. The executive
cate craftsmanship to simple elegance. Roger Sayer's Nothing Isn't Nothing
branch represents all students, grads and
includes inventive uses of photography and light/shadow that challenges
undergrads, and it includes Vice President
reality and questions space.
Dan Gilman, VP for Finance Andrew
Dubois, and me. The Student Senate repre-
sents undergrads, and the Activities Board
Critical Mass in Pittsburgh: Express Your ‘Bike Rage’ (AB) is an external committee of it. The
Student Dormitory Council deals with resi-
Today is a new day for Pittsburgh bikers. In dinging, and singing, invoking both cheers
dence halls, and the Graduate Student
a tradition rumored to have arisen in the and baffled looks from unsuspecting crowds.
Assembly works for grad students. No
busy and lightless streets of China's cities,
matter the issue, Student Government can
CRITICAL MASS a motley crew of bicy- If disrupting the balance of power appeals
work to resolve it.
clists takes a stand by turning the tables on to you find yourself at the Carnegie Library
inconsiderate drivers and their gas guzzling dinosaur at 5:30 pm on the 27th. No skill
Next, I'd like to invite you to participate in
missiles. On the last Friday of each month necessary; if you can ride your way there you
our Get-Out-The-Vote week next week,
an unlikely hoard takes to the road in a pack can handle the journey.
September 23-27. We'll have voter registra-
with the sheer size and brute strength in
tion forms from almost every state daily
numbers to consume a lane or more, muscle
outside of the Connan Room in the UC.
parade rights through reds, and threaten any
Please check readme's calendar for details.
vehicle. With no apparent self-consciousness
or fear of death they ride en mass through
On Tuesday, September 24, Dick Morris
the most daunting streets honking, yelling,
http://www.shapingsf.org/ezine/transit/critmass.html will speak at 6 PM in McConomy. Dick
Morris is one of the most prominent
American political experts, and is almost
single-handedly credited with guiding
President Clinton's re-election bid 1996.
Morris has handled the winning campaigns
for more than 30 senators or governors. He
served as chief strategist for Mexico's
This week: More Stuff with Animals! President Vicente Fox among other foreign
1) In London, they found a 2) Last month some 90 year 3) Scientists found the leaders. Morris is a political analyst for the
hamster driving a toy car old guy in Australia tried to earliest known penis, in a Fox News Channel, and on Tuesday after
powered by a treadmill play with his beehives with- 100 million year old ostra- the discussion, he'll be signing his latest
headed down the street last out protective gear. He got cod fossil. Ostracods are book, Power Plays: Win or Lose - How
week. He was caught by about 1,000 bee stings. "It kinda like crabs or shrimp, History's Great Political Leaders Play the
some guy and handed over was a battle that lasted about and this one found near Game. Admission is free, and I hope to see
to the police. They named half an hour -- but it was brazil had two penises. you there!
him Speedy, and have yet to unsuccessful," he said. At
find where the hell he came an age like that a couple If you have any questions or comments
from. hundred stings could be about almost anything, please don't hesitate
deadly. to contact me at email@example.com.
Events and Things On and Off Campus
Now you can’t complain that there’s nothing to do in Pittsburgh.
Thursday September 19 Sunday September 22
movie: The Believer. McConomy, 8, 10, 12. $1. movie: Joe's Apartment. McConomy, 8, 10, 12. $1.
concert: Jive Odyssey. Buskers (in the Strip). 10:30 PM. $3 concert: Project/Object. Club Cafe. 7:30. $20. 412-431-
or less. 4950.
concert: Gladys Knight. Hilton Hotel. Ticketmaster
Monday September 23
concert: Five Point O, Mastadon, Avenged Sevenfold,
Existence Makes Progression, Casting Method. Club Laga, lecture: Howard Zinn. Rangos Ballroom, 7:30 PM.
7:00. $10. Ticketmaster. Free w/ CMU ID, $3.00 Without. Tickets at UC Info
concert: Goldfinger, Big Blue Monkey, Allister. Metropol. Desk and more tickets at the door. Booksigning to fol-
8:00. All ages. Ticketmaster. low. info: 412-268-2105.
event: Voter Registration. Wean Commons (outside of
Friday September 20 Connan Room), UC. 10 AM - 2 PM, 4 PM - 6 PM. From
movie: Panic Room. McConomy, 8, 10, 12. $1. 9/23 - 9/27.
event: Emily Treat, works featuring watercolor. The concert: Project/Object. Club Cafe. 7:30. $20. 412-431-
FRAME Gallery.Opening reception 7-9 PM. Free. 4950.
concert: LeaveKeep. Dark Martyr, Agnes Wired for Sound,
Tuesday September 24
Gauge. CLub Laga. 7:30 PM. All Ages. $5. All proceeds
to charity. lecture: Dick Morris. McConomy. 6:00 PM. Booksigning
concert: Toby Keith. Post Gazette Pavilion at Star Lake. to follow. Free.
7:30 PM.$33.75 - $16.75. Ticketmaster. event: All-You-Can-Eat Dinner. Schatz Dining Hall, UC. 5-
concert: Tuck & Patti. Rosebud. 8:00 PM. $20. 7 PM.
Ticketmaster. concert: Mest, Catch 22, Homegrown, Madcap. Club Laga.
concert: Science Fiction Idols, Vacancies, Bee Eater. 31st 7:00, All ages. Ticketmaster.
St. Pub. 21+. 412-391-8334. concert: The Slip. Rex Theatre. 412-381-6811.
concert: New Invisible Joy. Club Cafe. 7:30. $7. 412-431- concert: Tegan and Sara. Club Cafe. 7 PM. $10. 412-431-
event: The French Table - La Table Francaise. Every Friday Wednesday September 25
from 12:30 to 1:30pm At Skibo Coffeehouse. Enjoy French
conversation and snacks. concert: The Recipe. Club Laga. 9:00. $12 at door, $10
Saturday September 21 Ticketmaster.
concert: Wolfstone. Club Cafe. 7:30. $16. Ticketmaster.
concert: Farm Aid 2002. With: Willie Nelson, Neil Youn,
concert: Hoobastank, Greenwheel, Blindside. Metropol.
John Mellencamp, Dave Matthews. Post Gazette Pavilion at
Star Lake. 2:00 PM. $62-$35. Ticketmaster.
concert: High On Fire, Jucifer, Penance. 31st St. Pub. 21+.
concert: Boxstep. Club Cafe. 7:30. $7. 412-431-4950. Do you have events to advertise here?
concert: Wayne 'The Train' Hancock. Club Cafe. 11:30.
$16. 412-431-4950. Are you planning a big event?
concert: Punchline, The Unsung Zeros, The Reunion Show, You are?!
A Week In July. 7:00 PM. $8 advance / $10 at door.
Ticketmaster. Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your
concert: Joe Sample. Rosebud. 7:30 PM. 21+. event information. Include a description, the
Ticketmaster. time, date, location and cost. We will include it
concert: Flaw, 3rd Strike, Noise Therapy, Still Small Voice.
in this event listing ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Metropol. 6:30. $12. Ticketmaster.
Believe it or not, people actually read this thing.
concert: Mickey Hart & Bembe Orisha. Soldiers and Sailors
Hall. Hey, you are right now...
movie: The Sweetest Thing. McConomy, 8, 10, 12. $1.