THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES The Five Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman. The book deals with the way people express love, and who they feel love. The author identifies five primary way people communicate love. He also introduces the concept of a love tank. The love tank is filled by many things, but mostly by one love language. When someone is speaking your languages it fills the tank. When your language is not being spoken you do not feel loved, and the tank stats to empty. The book mostly focuses on how to implement theses thing in a marriage, and how they can be used to salvage a dieing relationship. This chapter deals with setting up the ground work for the book. It talks about a man who had three different marriages that collapsed for different reasons. The author sites an example of the man speaking the love language of “words of affirmation”, but he say that words were not the wife’s primary language. She needed to know that she was loved a different way, but her husband could not understand that. Interestingly according to the author husbands and wives seldom have the same primary language regardless of the fact that, there only five options. It is important to learn your spouse’s primary language. If two people speak different languages it makes communication very difficult, and communication is essential to a marriage. Learning to speak your spouse’s love language is referred to as “the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.” The “Love Tank” no it’s not a big pink Armored box with a cannon. It’s the gauge of how much we feel loved. Love is primary motivator in life. Everyone wants to be loved. Children who don’t get love grow emotional retarded. Spouses who don’t get love have affairs of divorce. Young girls at thirteen years old end up with sexually transmitted diseases because they were looking for someone or something to fill their love tank.
1
Love and the need for love literally make the world go round. It is man’s deepest desire, just feel wanted. Not feeling loved drives people to search for love. Everyone will do it until they are so emotionally scared that even loose the desire for love. This desire for love was planed and designed by God. It is part of the hunger of God that we are all born with. It is just the way God made things work. No one can fight God it’s impossible, tying to deny your desire to be loved is just impossible People fall in love everyday. Falling in love is one the best things that can happen to a person. Hopefully it will happen to everyone at least once in their life. However when you are in love all your attention goes to that person and everything else fades out a bit. It can be an all consuming emotion. Love in its infancy is emotional, but in its maturity it must grow into a choice. Unfortunately as many people that fall in love in each day just as many fall out of love. It happens for different reason, but the problem is people fall out of love and the relationship regardless of what stage that relationship is in. It doesn’t matter if they are dating or married for ten years. Divorce is rampant, and according to Chapman it’s because people do not feel loved. Spouses do not speak each other love language, if they did it would avoid many of the problems couples encounter. This chapter is the first of the chapters dealing with the actual love languages; this is the meat of the book. The first love language is words of affirmation. Words of affirmation will fill the love tank of a person who needs to be told that they are appreciated. A person with this love language is more likely to express their love back to an individual that affirms them. The book tells of a woman who wanted her husband to paint the bed room. She nagged him for a long time, but that got her nowhere. After talking to Dr. Chapman she was advised to try
2
complimenting her husband for a while, and not getting on his back to paint the room. Sure enough it was not long before he painted the room on his own. That happened because his love tank was being filled, and out of that he wanted to show love back. People need to be told that they are loved, everyone feels that. This desire is realized more strongly in some people then in others. People who strongly desire to be told that are loved may also need words of affirmation to feel loved. Some children will grow up their entire lives not being told that are loved by their parents. This can cause serious problems for the adult later in life. People who are not shown expressions of love to them will not in turn know how to express love. There are some people who feel loved by the amount of time that others spend with them. These people who speak the love language of “quality time” crave time and sometimes attention. For those who crave quality time, it is not just sheer amount of time; it is also a high quality time. They want someone who will sit, talk, and interact with them. This type of quality time also includes simply doing things together, things that one person could and would do alone, but it is done cooperatively. It is not that that other person’s help is needed, but their presence is wanted. Giving time to someone can show that you love them. It is the fact that you are taking your time and devoting it to them. It often times for women who speak quality time, they want to tell their husband about their day; about the important things, the hard times, the frustration, the trivial details, and so on. Many times a woman may tell her husband about a problem she had during the day. An important thing to learn here is that she does not want to an answer, she just want him to listen. For many men this can be a difficult thing to grasp, but this is most important thing to learn about women from this chapter.
3
The next love language to be looked at is “receiving gifts”. There are people who feel the most loved, and appreciated when they receive a gift. The idea of people feeling loved by gifts can first seem a bit shallow, but it is not. It’s not the value or the extravagance of the gift is the thought that the other person puts into getting it for the one who receivers it. The receiver of the gift feels loved knowing that the other person was thinking about them and went of their way just because. “Gifts are visual symbols of love” as said in chapter six. It takes effort to get or make a gift, as the saying goers it really is the thought that counts. Thought being put into a gift means though being direct toward the receiver. It shows that they are thought of even when not present. That demonstrates a great deal of love. A gift can show you that you are loved. People also enjoy giving things to those that they love. The perfect example is a little child who loves to give gifts to their parents. This has not been formally taught to the child, but they know that their parents will enjoy whatever the child makes for them. Another type of gift referred to in the book is the gift of physical presence. It is just taking the time to be with the person, to devote yourself to being around. It is similar to the love language of quality time, but it done not necessarily include the quality. Acts of service can speak louder then words to some people. Love can be conveyed to some when things are done for them. It is not laziness they drives these people it is that fact that the act of service shows concern. It shows that the person has not been forgotten and what they do is not taken for granted. Every person has a certain amount of stuff that they need to do in a day. Some things are more important that others, getting some help with various jobs will show that person that they are being thought of. Doing something for a person can show them that you care enough to give a hand or to simply do a favor.
4
Traditionally men earn money and women do the house work. When men leave work its over for the day, which is not true for women. A housewife is never away from her work or her job even if the day’s chores are complete. A man who comes home from work should help out around the house too. There is still work to be done. Just like a women can help out around the yard. If jobs are not seen as being for one person or the other it can make it easier for the two to get things done, nothing that needs to be done should be ignored because it is not their job. The traditional roles are quickly dissolving, and any job can be done by either mate. The language of physical touch may at first seem to be the most common, because of course all guys love languages is physical touch. However sexual urges and natural desires do not mean that a person’s love language is touch. Sex is not a love language it is a whole different category. Physical touch can just be holding hands or a hug. For those who need physical touch to feel loved it does not have to be in a sexual way or even with someone of the opposite sex. Men who prefer the physical touch language can feel loved by the touch of another man. Some people who are known as touchy feely could be expressive in their love language of physical touch. It is the contact that is shown the other person making them feel loved. Touch is a physical manifestation of love in the same way that gifts are. Babies that are touched develop better then those who are not touched. Touching is a natural instinct that all people have, it has always existed. Touching someone identifies you with them. The more intimate the touch the more closely the two can be identified. A hand shake is a form of greeting, because it can express trust or friendship on a basic level. A hug is more intimate and goes beyond that. Of course the most intimate forms are saved for marriage. Touch comes naturally in life. Everyone touches that may
5
be why it is such a common form of expressing love and of communicating other emotions to people. Discovering your own primary love language can be difficult, but with careful self reflection it can be discovered. To discover your love language for some people requires little effort. Some people just know what theirs is, and some people know that they have primary, secondary, and even tertiary languages. For those who do not off hand what their primary language is there are questions that they can ask themselves in order to help determine their love language. What do you crave when your love tank is empty? What kind of love do you miss, is there something more specific that is missed. If you are in a relationship what do you complain about as far as lacking goes? Lastly when you express love to someone how is epically meaningful to you, what language do you speak? It is important to mention that chapter says most sexual problems are not based on technique, but meeting emotional needs. People who do not properly speak a love language can have emotional difficulty affect all areas of life. Everyone is capable of love and at the same time capable of being loved. There are some people that we love naturally or innately, and some people that love us in the same way. Children love their sibling naturally. It does not come from a decision it grows before you ever realize it or acknowledge it. However for people that we are not related to love takes time grow. Love takes time to devolve in relationships that are chosen. When people get together in a romantic sense love takes time to grow, that time may vary for some people. There is a couple who met and married in three weeks, and was still happily married forty years later. That love did not remain on its own. The “in love” experience will wear off after a time. Through hard times love is a choice, and it will not be easy. Some couples will experience times when one mate is having certain difficulties. In those times the other must continue to be expressive in love. It is not
6
natural to speak your mate’s primary language. It takes effort to show love to another person. Often time in marriages people fall out of love due to a lack of feeling loved. The other person is speaking the wrong language. Two people will not fall out of love on the same day. Love tanks will run dry at different times. Love makes the difference in many things. It is the greatest motivator in existence. Love has caused great wars; it has saved life and killed countless people. It was for love that Christ died. When people say that love can move mountains thought it may be cliché it is true. People will literally do anything for love sake. That is why it is important to speak the right language. Love is the key to any relationship, and will keep it alive. Love also brings with it security. People feel safe and at peace when with the one they love. Love in your life can make the unbearable seem not so bad. It can make fourteen years of labor for your love not so bad. Love will help you make it thorough the hard times in life. When hard times come in live, and you feel so run down, a full love tank can help you make it through the day. Love in a marriage will keep you through things. The poor couple at Zion that is barley making ends meat is okay because they have love. This chapter can be applied to a spiritual matter too. The love of Christ makes the difference. Jesus can get you through the day. Things are easier with a savior to rely upon. Having a companion on the road of life makes the journey easier. Even those who are not giving out love are still capable of receiving love. The unlovable can be loved; Jesus did it, and set that example. Many hard hearts can be softened, by just poring on the love. Though it would be rare in the natural you can love some through the most painful circumstances. A person that should have all reason to hate can be loved. It may only be possible through Jesus, but it can be done. Those in relationships where the other person is not being
7
loving can over come that by just saturating them in love, and making no demands in return. The book says in relationships where one partner has done nothing wrong, but is not being loved, persistence in loving the other may be the answer. Children and the love languages changes a few detail, but the book still remains very true. Kids act out their languages before they know what they are doing. A child has not put all this effort of reading books and analyzing people. Kids only speak out of their hearts. It has been said that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Children can be much simpler and offer a clearer look at love languages, there are no pretense or make personas. Older kids however cannot be grouped in with children. Teens are young adults and must be treated so, they are complex. The teen who runs away from home, says “they don’t love me”. Those parents say look at what we do for them. Parents may not understand the child nor think it is important to speak their language. Children should never be under estimated not ever thought too young to understand. Children often surprise people with what they know and understand. Children know when they are loved, and that effects them in more ways then can be explained. Love is necessary for proper growth. If the love language of your child can be understood it can help give understanding into the development of that child. The last chapter of this book is a “A personal word”. The author asks, “What do you think?” Will this change your marriage, will you let it. It can be summed up in try it, it might work. This last chapter could be like a dare. This book was written s in hopes that in might be helpful to couples. The book was not just written to make some money it was honestly written in hopes of bring comfort to marriages.
8
The Five Love Languages was definitely worth reading. It gave some very deep insights and some simply practical information. I am glad that this book was assigned. I had an idea of the love languages, but reading the book gave me a more detailed understanding of them. I can now more clearly understand all five, and identify my languages. This book has truly helped me to identify the languages of my father and brother. I can now see that certain things point towards specific languages. I myself am highly a quality time and physical touch person in the eighties to nineties. I can see that my desires to just hang out with my friend are a love language. I never realized that I put such high priority on time. I have just always been a social person. I would have just attributed my physical touch to the fact that I am a guy if it had not been for this book. It seemed to me that all men would be like that, but that is not true. While men are wired for sexual touch it is not always a love language. Gifts mean almost nothing to me. If I never received a gift from my girlfriend any time except Christmas and my birthday I would be fine with that. I would rate my level of gifs ion the twenties. I would say nothing but I know that if I did not receive a gift on the traditional occasions that would be offensive to me. Of course it is always nice to get things, and I would never say no to a gift. I feel the same way with acts of service; while you can feel free to do things for me I would feel no less loved if my friends and family never did anything for me. IT would be different if I had specifically asked them to do it. To me acts only rate in the teens. However, I have realized while reading this book that acts of service are important certain to members of my family.
9
Lastly words of affirmation are great and I use them everyday. I tell my girlfriend that I love her everyday. It is important to say and to hear. I want to know that I am loved. I never realized how much it meant to me till someone other then my parents were telling me. Growing up I took words for granted. Now that I am in a relationship I am glad for them. They wouold rate a fifty as far as enabling me to feel loved goes.
10