Days of our Mafia
***Thanks to Luna, Courk, and Lepton for helping out with this. Author of each post
listed in bold italics, with asterisks. ***
Cast of Characters:
The Capone Family of Mafia Scum:
Internet Stranger - Known as the world‟s leading Mafia Hunter, secretly heads the Capone Family.
Duff Amanda - IS‟s chick.
Luna Capone - Mafia scum type person, takes orders only from the mysterious Godfather.
Mith Capone - Married to Luna Capone, Mafia by marriage. Also Shado-kei, ninja master.
Dethwing Giovanni - Adopted into the Capone family.
James - Capone thug.
Gomez Carlito - Club owner working for the Capones.
Omega - Scientist working for Mith Capone.
John Davidson - Another scientist working for the family. Currently deceased.
Aaron - The Tiger. Recently released from frost trafficking prison term.
Acer - Hacker, rival of Elayne.
Ataraxy - Card sharp trying to start rival mafia family. Former Giovanni, Dethwing‟s father.
Boris - Care‟s distant cousin, has Ewok half-sister.
Bravo the Hat: Talk show host, has ties to the Capones and to Courk.
Care - Part-time florist. Helps out with monkey hunting sometimes.
Chuck - Ninja master working for The Master.
Cody Jennings - Child in possession of “The corrupted stopwatch of changing attire.”
Courk: Ninja master and monkey-hunter. Also Mouko.
The Dread Pirate Westley - Retired pirate, working against the Capones, but his motives are unknown.
The Dude - Secretly Koi Takahashi, Yakuza leader.
Elayne - Computer hacker.
El Blobbo - Mad scientist, currently working for The Master.
Eykir - Works for Gomez in the bar, but not really for the Capones.
Handsome Dan - Chimney sweep, does odd jobs for various people including the Capones.
HappyMutant - Recluse, spies on others in town.
Lepton - Mysterious person with mysterious powers and a thing for Merc.
Luna‟s evil twin - The name says it all.
Mark Hamill - Disgruntled former movie star, has found work with Bravo.
The Master: Bent on world domination.
Matt: Training under Courk. Also Ryoushi.
Mephistopholes - Demon responsible for corrupting Cody and Nate.
Mercuria - Former mafia leader. Chuck‟s distant cousin. Almost had relationship with Mith, years ago.
Millington - Luna and Mith‟s loyal butler. Secretly, Luna‟s father.
Nate - Bookie, wants the Capones out of Salem.
Paladin - Mysterious genius, father of Luna‟s adopted children, Paladina and Quailette.
Pika - Frustrated psychic. Trying to steal the work of The Master and the Capone family for his own use.
Ragin‟ South Asian - Town drunk.
Reverend Antrax - Naive preacher with secret love for Luna Capone.
Ryoushi - Ninja in training, Elayne‟s little brother. Monkey hunter with Courk and Care.
Sofis - Has some sort of interest in the Capone Family...
Tenshi - ???
Vilya - Reclusive genius.
Paladina and Quailette - Twin daughters of Paladin and Amy, adopted by Luna and Mith.
Edward - Son of Mith and Luna.
Sofia and James - Twin daughter and son of Luna… and Mith? Sofia is a card shark, at 3 months of age.
Scene: Gomez's Club. Luna and Mith Capone sit at a table in a dark corner, glancing around the room.
The Ragin' South Asian sits at the bar, sipping water, and licking peanut butter off his fingers. Gomez eyes
various customers suspiciously. Nate, the bookie, sits in another corner, talking to some people and
occasionally glancing at the Capones. The Dread Pirate Westley sits at the bar getting himself drunk after
yet another failed mission. Sofis sits at a table, apparently ignoring the Capones, which Mith seems to like,
and Luna seems to dislike.
Mith: So. Salem. Why Salem? Did the boss say why he wanted us to come here?
Luna: No, honey. He probably just wants a few people dead, like usual. Hopefully we won't be here for
more than a few weeks. I don't think I like this place anyway...
Mith: Yeah... Well, I guess we better start blending in here. I'm ready to get back to our new home and rest,
myself. You get the kids there safely while I got the supplies?
Luna: Of course, darling. They're all asleep and being watched after.
Mith: Good... Where is our contact anyway? I thought he was supposed to be reliable.
Luna: He'll be here soon, don't worry; I've known the boy a long time.
They watch as the door to the club opens, and Dethwing Giovanni walks in. Dethy stops at the bar to order
a drink, and then walks over to their table...
Dethy(to Mith): Pardon me, do you know what time it is?
Luna takes out a cigarette, searches her pockets for a match
Mith: I believe there's a clock behind the bar.
Dethy: Thank you
Dethy begins to leave.
Mith: Do you happen to have a match on you?
Dethy pulls out a matchbook.
Dethy: Here. Keep the whole thing.
Mith: Very generous of you.
Dethy walks over to look at the clock, then sits down at Sofis's table. Mith pulls out a match from the book,
lights it and lights Luna's cigarette. He turns the matchbook over and sees a phone number. He memorizes
it, folds the matchbook and puts it in his pocket.
Scene: A dark and gloomy room of unknown area. Pikachamp is hunched over at a table.
Pikachamp(to self): With this invention I will be able to take over the world. But first I must acquire a
power source. Not just any power source, but the crystal heavily guarded by Master's pet spider monkey.
Scene: Back in Salem
Deth(to Sofis): So Sofis....
Sofis: I can‟t sew! I don‟t have a sewing machine!
Deth: Bah! That‟s my joke. Anyway I was wondering if you would help me on a little... idea I have…
Deth smiles and glances at Luna.
Sofis: Her? I don‟t want any part of it.
Sofis goes back to eating his super duper happy ice cream sundae with sprinkles on to.
Deth: I'll give you a cherry to add to your sundae.
Deth gives Sofis a big cherry, and discusses the plan privately.
In the other corner, Nate is talking to some buddies.
Nate: So, has Jerry paid up yet?
Smart Goon: Nope. And me and Gus has give him enuff time, right Gus?
Gus: Uhhhhh. Uhm-uhm. Mmm.
Gus grunts and nods.
Nate: Well you know how generous I am. And how I hate violence of any kind. So give him another day
and then make sure he doesn't accidentally fall down the stairs.
Smart Goon: Huh? I think we s'posed to hurt him. He no pay up.
Nate: Yes, you imbecile. Just make sure he gets hurt, ok?
Smart Goon: Yeah. Ok. Why you not say that right away?
Nate: Because I didn't think you were that stupid. That's why. Now get out of my sight.
Smart Goon: Yeah. Fine boss. No problem. See you around.
Nate: I hope to God not.
Gus: Uhhhh. Rggg. Uhm.
The goons leave. Nate puts his head in his hands and mutters.
Nate: Why, oh why can't I have hired muscle with IQs at least half as big as their shoe sizes?
He then picks up his drink and tosses it down. Ahhhhhhh. A shot glass full of pure H2O. Woo. He stands
and stumbles over to the bar.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
The Dread Pirate Westley, at the bar.
DPW: 'Snot fair. They never surrender. It's not like I don't try. It‟s just that they all seem like such nice
people. An' I hate it when bad things happen to nice people. That's it! I'm outta the pirating business. An' I
gotta lay offa the sauce, too...After tonight. Barkeep, one more!
Gomez(to the bartender): I think he's had enough, Ted.
DPW: I'll say when I've had enough.
DPW falls off his stool.
DPW: OK, now I've had enough.
DPW Makes an amusing show of standing up and walking out of the bar, bumping into Nate on the way
out, earning himself a dirty look.
Nate: Watch where you're going, ya drunk!
DPW apologizes drunkenly and finally makes his way to the door and yells at the assembled townsfolk.
DPW: You won't have the Dread Pirate Westley to push around no more! I'm goin' straight!
Falls backwards through the door before crawling into an alley to sleep off the booze.
Luna Capone glances over at the commotion as DPW leaves. Realizing it's time to leave, she sighs, finishes
her vodka, puts out her cigarette and stands up.
Luna: Well, honey, I may be an evil vodka-drinking mafia chick, but I guess I still need to get back and
look after the kids... I'll see you later, ok? I know you have some... uh... stuff to do.
Luna kisses Mithy on the cheek.
Luna: I'll see you later.
With that, Luna turns and sashays out of the club. She's trying to look very cool and unconcerned - but as
she passes Sofis's table, Mith notices, to his surprise, that she catches his eye for a second before looking
away quickly, with a strange, anxious expression on her face.
Mith looks curiously at Sofis for a minute before pulling out his cell, and dialing the number he was given...
Scene: Courk and Matt, flying down 42nd Street in an old, beat up blue Mustang.
Courk: I must have a new monkey for my show!
Matt: Ya know, there is a rumor going around that The Master has a pet spider monkey. Wouldn't that be
perfect to put on your show with a little pink tutu?
Courk: Yes! We must have it!
Matt makes a sharp turn and speeds toward The Master's residence...
Scene: At The Capones' new house. HappyMutant walks up to the door, carrying a ham, in hopes of
greeting his new neighbors. He knocks, stands for a minute, and begins to walk away when the door
suddenly opens and a 6 year-old Paladina sticks her head out.
HappyMutant: Oh, hello there, are your parents home?
Paladina looks at him with wide eyes.
HappyMutant: No? Well, I wanted to welcome your family to the neighborhood. Do you know when they
will be back?
Paladina suddenly starts crying.
HappyMutant: Uh... I'm sorry. Did I upset you?
He turns to see Luna driving up on her motorcycle...
Handsome Dan the chimney sweep stealthily creeps along the roof of the Capone house. Hearing Luna's
approaching motorcycle he hides behind the chimney. After she goes inside, he puts his ear to it to
Scene: Some time after Luna emerges from the club, the door swings open again, revealing Sofis. He walks
swiftly down the street, but stops abruptly at the sight of a store's sign. He enters the store.
Part-time florist Care: Hello. What can I interest you in?
Sofis: Do you have any red roses?
Care: Wouldn't be much of a flower shop if we didn't, would it? Do you want the kind without thorns?
Sofis: It's a lie to say that you can have the rose without the thorns...
Sofis: With thorns. Just one.
Sofis pays for the rose and leaves.
Care: I've got to find another job. At least I don't get the weird proposals like at the knitting hot line, but
instead I get lovesick poets.
Scene: The backside of The Capone's new house. Someone is sneaking through the garden. The person
takes great care in not being seen. He/she/it reaches the house, climbs up onto a balcony with the aid of a
tree, and enters the house through the balcony door.
Sofis enters the upstairs corridor of the Capone residence. He looks uncertainly at the doors until he
notices two doors opposite each other with the brass plaques "Luna's office" and "Mith's office". Offering a
quick prayer of thanks to whatever gods of pedantry that may be listening, he enters the one marked Luna's
Inside he looks around until he notices a black suitcase sitting next to the desk. He picks it up and puts it on
the desk. Pulling out a small key, he opens the briefcase and leafs through the papers therein until a word
catches his attention. He takes a closer look.
Sofis(whispering): Yep... this is it.
Sofis takes out a small camera and carefully photographs the papers. He puts the papers back, and is about
to close the briefcase when he notices something else among the papers.
Sofis(still whispering): Well, well, well...
The camera makes a comeback, and then Sofis puts the papers back, closes the briefcase and puts it where
it was. He is about to leave, hesitates, and then pulls out the red rose and leaves it on the desk. He then
exits the room.
Hearing voices from downstairs, he hurries out onto the balcony, down and away.
Scene: In the front of the house.
HappyMutant: Gah! Luna Capone's your mother? Get me outta here!
Mutant lunges for the front bushes. He hides behind them, ham in hand.
Luna: Hi, hon. What's wrong?
Paladina: There's a suspicious three-eyed man here! He's…
Luna: Oh, now I thought I told you stop reading Arawella's OT posts. Your imagination is running wild
As Luna reprimands her children, HappyMutant suddenly hears a loud sniffing sound and low-timbre
growl. He turns around and sees the Capones' pet bulldog, Boro, staring at the ham, salivating and
foaming at the mouth.
HappyMutant(whispering): Good doggy. Good doggy. Fetch!
Happy tries to throw the ham away from him but his slippery mutant hands can't throw very well and the
ham lands right in front of him. Boro the Dog barks very loudly and runs toward Happy.
HappyMutant(shouting): No! Don't attack me! I'm a libertarian! Crazy Doggy! Crazy Doggy!
Boro the Dog attacks Happy, and hurts him pretty badly, but Luna shoos him.
Dan the chimney sweep watches Luna come outside to shoo the dog. He runs to the balcony door left open
by Sofis and enters. He needs to use the bathroom. Rooting through the medicine cabinet, Dan finds some
intriguing bottles and pockets them. He also retrieves the Drano from under the sink.
Scene: Duff Amanda, sitting at her desk working on her new bestseller, casually glances out her window.
She sees Sofis climbing down the Capones' balcony, looking suspicious.
Duff(to self): Hmm, I wonder what kind of criminal activities he's up to today.
She goes outside, but Sofis, of course, is already gone. Sighing to herself, she goes back to her office to
continue writing, when there is a banging heard on the door...
Amanda opens the door to reveal Happy Mutant covered in scratches and saliva.
Amanda: Good Lord, what happened, Happy?
Happy: The new neighbor's dog attacked me and stole my ham!
Amanda: Well, come inside, let me bandage you up and you can tell me all about it.
Amanda goes into the bathroom to get her first aid kit. As Happy waits, he notices Dan the chimney sweep
jumping out the Capone's window with a bottle of Drano.
Happy: My, he's handsome.
Happy watches as Dan runs across the street and jumps into an a beat up RV with the words "Psychic
Hotline" semi-scratched off the side. The RV takes off. Amanda comes out with her kit and begins to
bandage up Happy.
Happy: Hey Duff, what was the name of that organization Pikachamp was fired from?
Happy motions out the window. Amanda sees the RV and looks back at Happy.
Happy and Duff: Hmmm...
Dan's vision is impaired by the prescription drugs he found in the medicine cabinet, and he decides not to
do something like that again when he crashes his RV into a telephone pole. Dan gets out and stumbles
down the street to Gomez's Club.
Scene: Pika's Secret Laboratory. Pikachamp, the town outcast, is performing a horrible experiment with
peanut butter, when he receives a phone call.
Pika: Hi... I knew it was you... well DUH, I knew Dan would screw up, I foresaw it, and I bet he crashed
into a telephone pole, too, right? Well, then GO there and get the bottle of Drano from the car, you idiot...
he what? Well, then go to the club and get it... Am I supposed to think of everything?... Yes, I know I'm
psychic, it was a rhetorical question.
Pika slams the phone down.
Pika: Moron. He better get me that Drano, so I can finally produce the product that the Tiger needs. Once
we have that, the Capones will beg us to let them in on our operation. AAAAH
Scene: Pikachamp, driving in his invisible car, nears Courk's car and turns visible. Then he cuts off Courk
and Matt. Courk pulls over, and so does Pika.
Courk: What do you want?
Pika: I want you to retrieve a crystal guarded by Master's spider monkey.
Courk: What's in it for us?
Pika: I will find a way to make your show the only thing on TV, and won't make you a slave when I take
over the world.
Courk: Sounds interesting.
Pika: So do you accept?
Courk: Sure I accept, but how, may I ask, are you planning on getting rid of the most popular show on
Pika: Which is?
Courk: Late Night with Bravo the Hat. That jerk stole my original time slot. It would take a miracle to
bring his show down. Especially since he's so witty and clever and everyone just adores his show.
Pika: He's looking for a new sidekick, isn't he?
Courk: Yes. So what?
Pika: Leave it to me. Bravo's show will be cancelled. Just get the crystal.
Courk ponders for a moment.
They shake on it.
Scene: Pika sits on the couch in his house.
Pika: I have had quite a day. I think I'll end it by sitting here and studying Bravo's show.
Pika turns on TV and changes channel to Bravo's show. Next moment there is a commercial for Dan's
chimney sweep business.
Scene: Behind Gomez's Club Dan is confronted with Pika's goon.
Goon: Hand it over, shmuck.
Dan: Never, I found it, it's rightfully mine!
Goon: That wasn't part of the deal!
Dan: No more deals!
Dan leaps onto crates behind Gomez's Club and dives through the bathroom window. He tumbles to the
floor but manages to open the bottle of Drano. The Goon enters in time to see Dan pouring it down the
toilet. Dan passes out among the shards of glass.
Scene: After a long day, Duff Amanda sits back in her bed and tunes into "Late Night with Bravo the Hat."
Bravo: And now for “Stupid Pet Tricks”.
Off-stage voice: That idea's already been used.
Bravo: Of course. After the commercial, the “Top Ten Reasons I'm Looking for a Sidekick”.
Cut to commercial. “Have a chimney that just won't come clean? Hate having to do all the work yourself?
Then call Handsome Dan, clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, best in Salem now!”
Duff sighs as she clicks off the TV.
Duff: If only IS was here. I feel terrible, keeping my hidden dark side from him, but he would never accept
She reaches for the phone and dials a few numbers...
Scene: At the downtown bowling alley.
The Dude: ...so all I have to do is show up at this guy's house with the briefcase?
Buzzsaw: Yes, and you are to make sure no one but mathgrant takes it. And it must be delivered by 10 PM!
The Dude: All right... but why are you trusting someone like me with a job like this? I mean, I know it's
easy and all, but isn't it fairly important?
Buzzsaw: Well, yes. However there could be certain... liabilities involved, and I'd rather not have to deal
with what I like to call "lawsuits" or "rabid lawyers," and it's clear a man of your mental capacity would
The Dude: Um... understood.
Buzzsaw: Excellent! Now, call me when you've completed your job, and we'll discuss payment.
The Dude exits
At mathgrant's Anagram House, 9:50 PM.
mathgrant: BUMP!!! Hey, I know... I'll start a story, then roll a die, and then BUMP!!! I'll make up that
many words and it'll be a lot of fun!
The doorbell rings.
mathgrant: Ah! Someone else TO OT help me with my story!
The Dude: Are you mathgrant?
mathgrant: BUMP PUMB!!!
The Dude: Yes, you must be. Here, this is for you.
He hands over suitcase.
mathgrant: Oooh! It TICKS STICK!
The Dude: Uh... yeah, so it does. Well, I have to go now. It's been really nice...
The Dude: Nevermind.
The Dude exits.
mathgrant: Hmm... so what could this ticking be? The briefcase is locked, so I guess I won't find out, but
that's ok, because I have an attention span of about 3 minutes!!! BUMP!!! Back to my story! There was
once a (3) man from Nantucket (4) who met a girl (3) with a bucket (6)...
9 minutes later.
mathgrant: ...and they (4) lived happily ever after! (0)
mathgrant: Wait, how did I roll a ZERO OZER? That can't be right...
An earth-rocking explosion from the briefcase completely obliterates mathgrant and his anagram house,
leaving nothing more than a smoking crater in the ground.
Scene: In The Dude's car.
The Dude(on the phone): The suitcase has been delivered.
The Dude: So, where's my payment for this?
Buzzsaw: Well, you see, this job was given to me by someone else. I cannot tell you his name, but I will
tell you that it begins with M and ends with ith Capone.
The Dude: Hmm... that could be anybody!
Buzzsaw: Riiiight. Anyway, go to Gomez's club, and ask the bartender what his favorite breed of dog is. He
will tell you he likes German Shepherds. You should then respond with, "Well, I like them too, but I
consider myself more of a poodle man."
The Dude: Okay. And he has my money?
Buzzsaw: Well... not exactly. But, he should be able to point you in the right direction. Best of luck to you,
and thank you for a job well done.
The Dude hangs up.
Buzzsaw: Ah... problem solved!
Scene: Club Carlito(Gomez's place). 10:15am. Gomez is brewing coffee and setting up for a 10:30
meeting. His orderly, John Davidson, is taking the chairs off the tables. Gomez opens up the morning
Gomez(reading): "This unusual bombing believed to be in connection with the Capone family's much-
rumored 'Salem Operation.' As to the objectives of this operation no one is yet certain."
John glances up and smiles.
Gomez:"...though detectives are speculating the family will take over all Drano distribution. According to
Paladin, a reclusive genius once affiliated with the Capones and biological father of the Capone children,
the family plans on altering the chemical composition of Drano to produce a powerful explosive to be used
in the ongoing family wars..."
John Davidson: It's a difficult composition to be sure. Pikachamp is the only one who could conceivable
beat us to perfecting it.
Gomez: That is not good.
John(laughing): His plan was foiled last night. I wouldn't worry.
Gomez: Oh, you wouldn't, would you? Once Pika obtains a source of real pure crystal, he'll easily be able
to figure out the right composition. He is a scientific genius.
John: Perhaps, but his common sense is lacking. Think about it. Who does he hire to steal our Drano
prototype? That ill-coordinated buffoon of a chimney sweep, that's who.
Gomez: He was rather handsome, though.
John gives Gomez a weird look.
Gomez: ...in a platonic sort of way, of course.
John: er… and Pika's goons...now don't make me laugh...they're a right bunch of yokels, they couldn't find
an elephant in a bathtub. Now the Master... he has common sense... but highly incompetent scientifically. If
he knew anything about chemicals, he'd be able to use his crystal to perfect the Drano explosive. Methinks
Pika will try to steal it from him somehow. Though I can't imagine how. The only person I can think of
even remotely agile enough to slick their way through the Master's booby-traps to steal his crystal is Courk,
and she's busy 24-7 with that monkey show of hers. Now, Paladin. Him we have to worry about. He's on to
us. And he can mess with anyone's mind...
Mith and Luna Capone walk up to the window. They are both cloaked in dark over coats. They tap
inconspicuously. Gomez turns to John.
Gomez: Hopefully, this will be our last meeting, and your services will no longer be needed.
John: I hear you. My place is in the lab, not the club.
Gomez walks over to open the door.
John: It has been fun, though, Carlito.
Gomez opens the door. Luna and Mith step in.
Mith: My faithful friend.
Gomez: My good sir. Luna, it's a pleasure as always. A drink?
Luna: Vodka, please.
Mith: Cafe Au Lait. French Vanilla.
Gomez makes the coffee, while Luna, Mith, and John Davidson sit down at a table.
Scene: Nate, feeling he isn't being mentioned enough, decides to go talk to the only person in town who has
had the decency to speak with him. Even if he was drunk as a fart at the time.
Nate: Excuse me. Do you know where I can find DPW?
Nate: Ahh. A deaf-mute. Excuse me ma'am do you know where I could find DPW?
Nate: Alright. This is getting pretty annoying. I used to be the king around here. It's all because of those
Nate slowly grins an evil grin. Nate goes off in search of DPW or someone he can "persuade" to tell him
where to find the infamous pirate.
Nate(quietly to self): He may not be able to scare anyone, but I hear he managed to defeat a Spaniard in a
swordfight, a giant in hand to hand combat and - most importantly - a Sicilian in a battle of wits. Finally an
intelligent cohort. With his help I will rid the town of these bothersome freaks.
Nate glances at Happy Mutant.
Nate: Not you. Hmm. Too bad IS isn't in town.
Scene: Club Carlito. Gomez, John, Mith, and Luna sit around a table discussing their plans.
Mith: So let me get this straight. John is going to need another bottle of Drano to finish the compound,
because of that idiotic, although quite handsome, Dan... Pika needs The Master's crystal... Courk is trying
to capture a monkey... Wait a second, doesn't The Master have a pet monkey?
John: Yes, it is a very rare, exotic spider monkey... why do you ask?
Luna: My sweet, dear husband is thinking that Pika might hire Courk to steal both the monkey, and the
crystal, aren't you, lovely?
Mith: Yes, dear. It seems that Courk may need to be eliminated.
Gomez: But, she is a ninja! How could you possibly...
Mith pulls up his left sleeve, revealing a small Japanese looking tattoo.
Gomez: You... you're Shado-Kei! I have read alot about your battles with the great Mouko. So, you can
handle her then?
Mith: Of course. If we can't pay her off, we will cripple her to the point that she won't dare try to sneak in
to steal the crystal. Now what about...
Mith suddenly stops as a dark figure passes by the Club's window, leaving a small note attached. Mith
rushes out, but the figure is gone. He pulls off the note, and begins to read it...
Scene: IS, walking away from the club. When he gets far enough away, he begins to head toward Duff's
place, hitting on various women as he goes, and receiving 14 slaps and a few kicks. He finally arrives at
Duff's, walks in, and sticks his tongue down her throat.
IS: Hey baby.
IS turns on Cop Killer.
Duff: How'd it go?
IS: Fine, of course. They were meeting, and I left them a little trail to follow. Hopefully that Mith kid is
smart enough to do what I want him to do.
Duff: So what shall we do now?
Duff gives him a suggestive look.
IS: Kill Whitey.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: For the same reason as Nate, DPW wakes up in the alley behind Gomez's club extremely hung over
and crawls through the broken window into the bathroom of the club. Handsome Dan's unconscious form is
DPW(grunt): Need coffee.
He moves towards the exit leading to the interior of the club, smelling the coffee Gomez put on earlier. He
is about to go out, when he hears Mith plotting the demise, or at least the grievous wounding of Courk.
DPW: They can't do that! Her monkey show was my favorite program before that ignorant boob Bravo the
Hat stole her time slot.
He heads out in search of Courk to warn her that her arch-nemesis is in town and thirsty for blood, but
before he can find her, he bumps into Nate...
Scene: The inside of the studio where Bravo's show is recorded. Pikachamp is there talking to Bravo.
Pika: So you say this contract says that I will be your sidekick for how many years?
Pika: And it can't be broken at all, right?
Bravo: Right... well unless the show gets cancelled that is, but that's not too likely to happen.
Pika: Great, so when is the first show?
Bravo: Tomorrow night an hour before the show starts.
Pika: Great. I'll be there.
Bravo and Pika leave. We follow Bravehat offstage…
Bravo: So, who've we got on the Show tomorrow.
Producer: Well, we have Mark Hamill and Mith Capone international Gangster and all round bad ass.
Bravo: WHAT?? Why the hell did you book Mark Hamill? He hates me! Remember that time I phoned
him up on air and convinced him he had a part in the new Jurassic Park movie? I woke up the next day with
a T-Rex head on my pillow!! The guy's a psycho.
Producer: Ok, that just leaves Capone.
Bravo: Oh that's ok. I can ask him what he's doing in Salem. See you tomorrow.
Producer: Where're you going?
Bravo: Club Carlito, of course.
Producer: Ok, have a good time and be careful. I hear IS got out today. You know how he loves Club
Bravo: Thanks, I'll take a bodyguard.
Scene: Club Carlito. Bravo enters, Gomez spots him immediately
Gomez: Bravo, how'ya doin'?
Bravo: Pretty good buddy, the shows good. I haven't been sued once for a whole week.
Gomez: I love your show man, I'm a big fan, I watch it every night, I've got 'em all on tape, I've got this
poster of you on my wall in a glass case and I polish the case three times a day. Sometimes I even pretend
I'm you and I get the guys to pretend to be guests and...
Bravo(slightly nervous): Okaaay, easy there buddy, why don't we get a drink?
Gomez: Good idea. Who's on the show tomorrow?
Bravo: Mith Capone.
Gomez: WHAT??? Mith??? But Pikachamp's your new assistant!!
Bravo: Yeah? So what?
Gomez: Uh, nothing. I've gotta go.
Gomez leaves Bravo.
Gomez (aside): If Mith gets into the same room as Pika, all hell will break loose. I've got to plan this
Gomez walks back to Mith's table.
Gomez: Uh, Mr. Capone. May I have a word? In private?
***The Ragin’ South Asian***
At the bar, unseen person whispers something in RSA's ear.
RSA: What! Pikachamp is after Drano and the crystal! Everyone knows that can make a powerful
explosive... but only Pika and I know that when the explosive is poured into my peanut butter jar, the
peanut butter monster will awaken and become the slave of whoever released him! Pika must be stopped!
Saying goodbye to IS, Duff decides to get a drink at Club Carlito. She sees Mith Capone and Gomez talking
in a very secretive fashion. Nonchalantly, she walks over, but before she can listen in on their conversation,
Bravo spots her.
Bravo: Hey, there, you a fan of the show?
Duff: Um, yes, but...
Bravo: How'd you like a guest spot on my show? I hear you're close with Internet Stranger, that mafia
Duff: Okay, but...
Bravo: Great, be at my studio tomorrow to film. I found a new sidekick, did you know?
Duff: No, who?
Bravo: Some crazy outcast, I don't know his name. Listen, I gotta run, remember, tomorrow!
Bravo exits. Duff turns, prepared to obtain information from the suspicious conversation between Mith and
Gomez, but they had already left.
Scene: Luna's house. Luna - having finally persuaded the sobbing Paladina that it was safe to sleep and no
scary three-eyed men would get her - wanders into her office to catch up on some work, and perhaps even
get a little time to herself. Sitting down at her desk, she's about to switch her computer on when she notices
She picks up the rose and smiles to herself.
Luna: Mithy's so sweet.
Still smiling, she walks to the bathroom to get some water for it. Searching through the cupboards, she
notices that her nail varnish remover is missing - and her black hair dye!
Luna: What the... How am I going to be a goth now?? ... Oh well. I guess that's the least of my worries,
She fills a vase with water, puts the rose into it and returns it to her office, just in time to hear Mith
returning from Club Carlito. Smiling, she runs downstairs to greet him.
Luna: Hey, sweetheart! Did you have a good night?
She kisses him.
Luna: Oh... and thank you for my flower, honey. So pretty... you haven't sent me roses for years. Not since
the old days in Tyler...
She trails off as she registers his bewildered expression.
Scene: Pika's abode.
Pika: Excellent! So tonight you'll break in and steal the Master's monkey and crystal? Perfect! Then you
bring the crystal to me, and you can keep the monkey. I'm allergic to spider monkeys. We can settle the
Pika hangs up the phone.
Scene: Pika's roof. Chimney Sweep Dan backs away from the chimney where he has been listening to every
word and climbs down the side of the house. As he runs down the street he bumps into Luna Capone.
Dan: Luna Capone! You stay away from me!
Luna pulls out a gun.
Luna: Cut the chit-chat. I saw you on Pika's roof. I don't know if you're aware of this, but Mith and I are
working against Pika. Tell me what you heard.
Dan: But... but...
Dan looks at the gun, then back to Luna.
Dan: OK, you talked me into it. I heard Pika on the phone. He hired somebody to break into Master's place
tonight and steal his monkey and crystal.
Dan: I don't know! I swear I don't!
Luna lowers the gun and motions Dan away. As he runs off she tosses him a bag of coins.
Dan: What's this for?
Luna: For your information. And because you're so handsome.
Luna starts her motorcycle and rides off
Scene: The Capone Home.
Luna: Mith, hon! Pika's planning the heist tonight! I got information that he has already hired Courk to do
his bidding, and they're planning it for tonight.
Mith: I didn't think he'd plan it so soon! Thank you, Luna.
He kisses her and runs out.
Scene: Courk's home
Mith silently approaches the window. He can see Courk inside, reading. Dramatically he leaps through the
Mith: Courk! Come and face me!
He takes a flying leap toward her. Quickly she gets up out of her chair and dives out of the way. Courk
does 3 back flips landing right behind Mith and kicks him over, but he rolls out of it and gets up without a
Courk: What's this about?
Mith: You know what this is about!
Before Courk knows it Mith is right in front of her. She tries to give him a good chop, but Mith grabs her
arm and flips her onto the ground.
Mith: I know Pika hired you to steal Master's monkey and crystal.
Courk: That's ridiculous!
Mith: Oh? I heard it from reliable sources.
Mith gives Courk one final kick to the ribs, knocking her to the ground.
Mith: But it seems you can't complete it now, I've just broken your rib.
Courk: It's not me! Pika must've hired somebody else. I haven't heard from the bugger for months.
Knocks on wood.
Scene: Master's place. A shrouded figure sneaks around the walls and finds an open window, then climbs
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: DPW and Nate.
Nate: You're the Dread Pirate Westley, aren't you?
DPW: That's Dread Pirate (ret.) Westley, but yeah. And would you mind not talking so loud. I've got a
Nate(quieter): Sorry. Look, I've got a deal to offer you. The Capone mafia family is moving in on Salem.
I'd rather they didn't. You out fenced a Spaniard, outfought a giant, and outthought a Sicilian, right? With
skills like that, how can the mafia be victorious?
DPW: Yeah. I beat the Spaniard Montoyez in a duel and incapacitated the giant Fessik and even bested the
Sicilian Fizziny in a battle of wits. But I've been mostly drunk all day, and they have the ninja Shado-Kei
on their side.
Nate: You're right. We'll need some more help, and I know just the person to call...
DPW: Weren't you the one who sent Smart Goon and Dumb Goon out to beat up Jerry last night?
Nate: No. You must have me confused with someone else. You had a lot to drink last night.
DPW: Yeah, you're right. I was kind of wasted. Let's meet at the docks later, I have someone else I have to
They split up, Nate to go check the score to last night's game; DPW to continue his search to warn Courk
Scene: HattyDooBaba Studios. Dressing Room. Pikachamp walks into his dressing and sees Bravo the Hat
standing with his signature huge Dr. Seuss type top hat on.
Pika: I'm ready for the first taping.
Bravo smiles and gives a hearty belly laugh. The door slams behind Pika. He turns around to find two
goons, one of whom is Mark Hamill, pointing guns right at his head. Bravo takes his cell phone and dials a
Bravo: Courky baby, it worked... did Mith hurt you?... oh well... how did I know? ...I got Duff Amanda
tied up in the back... yeah, I forced her to tell me about IS's little "trail"... I didn't have time, Mith was on
his way... I'm sorry, baby... yeah Pika's right here... it worked like a charm. Is our real thief at the Master's?
Perfect, we'll show a repeat tonight... well, put ointment on the bruise and I'll be right over... don't worry
you'll get the time slot again... love ya, babe.
Mark Hamill: Thanks for getting me this job, Bravo. I was wondering how we were going to reconcile our
differences with my psychotic tendencies.
Bravo: Just point the gun, Mark.
Pika: You'll never get away with this, Bravo!
Bravo: If everything goes according to plan, I'm getting away with it as we speak.
Pika: I should have suspected this was a ploy when I saw the contract was written in Klingon.
Scene: John‟s Lab.
John: Ah, the Drano composition is complete, but we should test it out on Pika's lab to be sure.
Gomez and John fly directly above Pika's lab using a helicopter. John drops the bomb. The explosion is
bigger than expected, especially when combining with chemicals in Pika's lab. Nearly one-eighth of the city
is destroyed. The helicopter is damaged, and tailspins into Master's house where it explodes, killing John
and Master's spider monkey, and partially injuring Gomez.
Scene: Salem General Hospital. Morning. Gomez awakens to numerous bandages and an IV and poop bag
hooked up to his failing body. A nurse comes in and hands him his morning paper.
Gomez: Miss, could you show me the front page please.
The nurse unfolds the paper and shows it to Gomez. The headline reads "Mark Hamill Finds Work!".
Below that is a small blurb reading "Capone Family Destroys One Eighth of Our City"
Gomez: This is not good.
Nurse: Well, you couldn't expect him to star in Wing Commander games forever.
The phone rings. The nurse picks up receiver and puts it next to what's left of Gomez's ear.
Gomez: Mith! ...I... I'm so sorry...the Godfather called?...oh my...I had no control over it… it was all John's
idea, I swear... well, he's dead... listen call Eykir, I've hired him a few times to run my bar, he'll be glad to
run things while I'm out... you know, Eykir... ugh… you know… achey… whitey... 5… oyker... EYKIR!!
Yes, him... okay... send Luna my hugs and snogs... bye.
Scene: Pika is surrounded by Bravo and Mark. Pika looks like he is concentrating very hard.
Bravo: There is no escape!
Pika: Oh, yeah?
All of a sudden, Pika disappears.
Scene: The front of Mith's house. Pika reappears in the front of the door and looks very tired. Pika rings
the doorbell, and Mith opens the door…
Mith: Pika! Wha, What are you doing here?
Pika: I have come to join you.
Mith: How do I know you won't turn on us?
Pika: I guess you don't.
Mith: Then why should I let you join?
Pika: I can give you the remote to the most powerful laser in the world.
Mith: And where is this laser?
Pika: In space.
Mith: OK, but if you are lying, POW!
Pika: Fine. One more thing, I know about the explosion. But luckily I have the remote with me at all times.
Unfortunately it still needs the crystal to work.
Scene: Back at the florists shop...
Care(sighing): I REALLY need to find a real job. City life from a flower shop is soooooo not interesting.
Nothing exciting ever happens... (general other complaints as well)
Suddenly, Mith storms into the florists shop, interrupting Care's complaints. He is panting, after suddenly
remembering the rose on Luna's desk.
Mith: Excuse me? Are you the part-time florist Care?
Care: Actually, yes I am! May I interest you in a bouquet, a single flower, or a dozen roses? We have long-
stemmed roses for $12.99 and…
Mith pulls out a gun.
Mith: I'm not interested. Now, sometime yesterday a certain someone came to this shop and bought a
single red rose. Who was it?
Care looks nervously at the gun.
Care: Hmmm... A single rose? Red? With or without thorns?
Mith: What kind of rose doesn't have thorns?? Of COURSE it had thorns! Now, who was it?
Care: That's exactly what he said, actually. Now, who was it?
Mith: That's what I'm asking! Now, if you don't hurry up, I'll get the mafia to come after you...
Care looks even more nervous.
Care: Well, I'm pretty sure that it‟s a regular townie. Not that I get around much... I don't remember his
name, exactly, but I do know what he looks like.
Mith: You know what he looks like? Then find him and come by Gomez's bar to tell me who it is. There
will be a small reward for your services...
Care: The bar? I'm not over 21 though...
She sees the look on Mith's face, and the gun.
Care: Okay. I don't think my cousin will like it, but okay. Tomorrow or tonight?
Mith: That's good. 11 pm tonight. Sharp.
Mith lowers the gun and walks out, leaving behind a stunned florist.
Care: And I thought that life was boring!
Care finishes tidying up the store, walks out, and locks up. She turns around, only to run into...
…Mark Hamill. He points his gun at her.
Mark: So, I hear Boris's half-sister is an Ewok, eh?
Care: Mr. Hamill! What are you doing?
Mark: Those Ewoks ruined one of my greatest films! I've been longing to take revenge.
Care: But there's always the first Star Wars and Empire…
Mark: Silence! You dare question the motives of the great Mark Hamill. Now, I understand that Boris will
come to rescue you from the Mafia. He always does. I want you to get him to call his Ewok half-sister. Just
get him to dial her number. If you fail, both you and Boris will meet with the barrel of this gun. Now, I will
not let you leave my site, so when he comes you are to tell him that I am your new boyfriend.
Care: But won't he recognize you as Mark Hamill?
Mark: HA! He will not recognize me in my fool-proof disguise.
Mark takes one of those red clown noses and stick it on his nose.
Mark: Now, carry out Mith's instructions until Boris shows up.
Scene: The police, while doing an autopsy on John, notice something unusual in his stomach.
Scene: Duff tied up in the back of Bravo's studio. She is completely bound with a gag in her mouth.
Duff(thinking): How did I get myself in this mess? You're a fool, taking Bravo's bait like that, of course
there would be a motive behind his actions. Now I've went and betrayed IS, the mafia have probably
pinpointed his location, he'll be dead in a week. Now you're left here until someone finds you, you could be
here a week, even more!
Starts to drift off into sleep when suddenly, a door is opened. It's Eykir and IS! Duff slowly looks up and
Scene: Dan takes the money from Luna and buys a new chimney sweeper. He will have his revenge.
Scene: The Docks. Sunset. Nate walks around the docks, keeping his eyes out for the DPW. He roams
around the place, searching the ships and bridges. On one of the bridges, he comes across an ingrained
Nate: Must be Mith's.
Nate spots a lone figure sitting on one of the piers. The silhouette of his bandana makes it clear who it is.
Nate walks up to the figure.
DPW: We meet again.
Nate: Any luck with Courk.
DPW: I was too late. When I found her, her ribs had already been broken. She was being comforted by
Bravo the Hat.
Nate: Bravo, eh? What were they talking about?
DPW: Oh some nonsense about how Bravo had to fire Mark Hamill because he couldn't explain how
Pikachamp disappeared, or something or other. I was too upset to listen. The last thing I heard Bravo say
was "Jedi Master my sweet petty" for some reason.
DPW: So who's this contact you have.
Nate points toward an old scary looking mansion on top of a large hill in front of them.
Nate: They call him Vilya. He claims he can help us.
DPW: Well, screw it. Let's go, we've got nothing to lose.
Nate and DPW leave for Vilya's house.
Scene: Ext. Courk's House. Night time. A car drives into Courk's driveway. Matt is in the drivers seat. He
turns around and pulls a shopping bag from under his fire-proof jumpsuit in the back seat. The Shado-Kei
tattoo on his arm is clearly visible.
Int. Courk's House. Night.
The doorbell rings. Bravo the Hat pulls out a gun and stands next to the door.
Courk: Who is it?
Bravo puts down his gun and opens the door. Matt walks in with a grin on his face, puts the bag down in
the center of the room, opens it up, and pulls out the shiny crystal. A chorus of angelic voices is heard in
Courk: Excellent work, Matt.
Matt: Unfortunately, the spider monkey was dead. Looks like you were right, Bravo. The place did
Bravo: Yeah, but I thought it would be because of Master's booby traps, not a helicopter crash.
Matt: What happened?
Courk: Someone bombed Pika's house with the Drano explosive.
Matt: How did they beat us to it, without the crystal?
Bravo: Only John Davidson would know, and he's dead.
Scene: 9PM, Pika an Mith are in the Capone House's living room discussing their new alliance.
Mith: But when will I have access to the crystal?
Pika: Don't worry, I have resources you can't imagine, it will be soon.
A low rumbling sound is heard from the chimney. With a thump a black cloud floods the living room,
Dan: Pika, I've had enough of you.
He swings the new sweeper at Pika's head. Pika rolls out of the way, but Dan brings it down on his skull.
Pika is out cold. Mith walks through the cloud of soot to confront Dan.
Mith(calm): What do you think you are doing?
Dan: This evil genius manipulated me and tried to kill me... sorta.
Mith: This is my home, what right do you have to be here?
Dan: None I suppose, but take my advice and form no alliances with this shmuck.
He hits Pika with the chimney sweeper again.
Mith: Fair enough, I was going to be rid of him as soon as I had the crystal anyway. But you, you have
talent, I would be very lucky to have you on my side.
Dan: Oh? I don't know if I want any more part in this. I have my revenge.
He hits Pika a third time.
Mith: I'm sure I can make a proposition that will interest you. Come to Gomez's Club at 11PM tonight.
Dan thinks for a moment, then nods. He strides back to the chimney and exits.
Scene: The Capones' house. Luna, looking pale, tired and anxious, sitting at her kitchen table feeding Sofia
while her other children run around at her feet.
Luna: (to herself): I don't like this. I hope Mith's going to be okay... And that rose! What was that about?
Someone's been in my house...
Luna: And who on earth would send me a rose, if not Mi...
She trails off. Something has just occurred to her... She shakes her head.
Luna: Surely not. Not after all these years.
At this point, she's interrupted by the doorbell ringing. She gets up, still carrying Sofia, opens the door, and
stares in astonishment at the figure standing on her doorstep.
Luna(flatly): Sofis. (Pause) You'd better come in.
Luna: It was you.
Sofis: Yes, it was me. Dethwing hired me to find the real reason you are in town. He knew about the Drano
explosive, of course, but he decided that there must be something bigger.
Luna: Ah. Well, I suppose you know all about it then. Bah, why couldn't Dethy just stick to his own
business? Oh well. I suppose you will help us then?
Sofis: Of course. How could I not help the lovely Luna Capone?
Luna blushes slightly.
Luna: Well, I suppose we better talk. Meet me at Club Carlito, 11pm. Don't be late.
Sofis bows, kisses her hand, and walks out.
Scene: Deep underneath The Master's House. The Master sits in a dark room, petting his rare, exotic
spider-monkey. He watches several screens, each showing what is happening at various locations where he
has placed a hidden camera. One screen is dead, the camera being blown up along with Pika's lab. One
watches Club Carlito. One watches HattyDooBaba studios. As he watches the events of the day proceed, he
gets more and more furious.
Master: Fools! Are they so quick to forget The Master?
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Nate and DPW standing in front of a large door
Dread Pirate Westley: So, who is this Vilya character, anyway?
Nate(knocking): No one knows, exactly. Everyone agrees he's a genius, but he very seldom leaves his
estate, and people around here have learned not to be too inquisitive where he's concerned.
Voice from behind the door: Who disturbs my seclusion?
Nate: Bad news, Vilya. The Kakapos lost to the Manatees last night. You had quite a bit of money riding
on that game.
Vilya(opening the door): Well, it would have been different if amb had been able to play. What do you
want? And who is this?
They step inside. DPW is awestruck by the size and decor of the manor; Nate seems not to notice.
Nate: This is a new business associate of mine; he's the Dread Pirate (ret.) Westley. As you know, Mith and
Luna Capone have arrived in Salem. It is in my best interest if they were to disappear. You've got quite a
debt built up. I might be willing to show some lenience if you were to help.
Vilya: I'll see what I can do. Right now, all I can tell you is that something is going to happen tonight at
Gomez's club at 11 PM.
DPW: Thanks for your help.
DPW checks the grandfather clock.
DPW: We'd better hurry...
As Nate and the retired pirate leave the mansion, they bump into IS.
Nate: IS! I thought they'd locked you up. When did you get out?
IS: There's no time for idle chit-chat. We have to get to Gomez's quickly.
The three of them quickly start towards the club, catching up on old times as they go.
Dread Pirate (ret.) Westley(muttering, as they leave): How come I'm only mentioned briefly? And not
even my full name and title. I'm getting sick of this.
Scene: The Capones‟ house. Luna is talking on her cell-phone.
Luna: Sofis? (Pause) Well, could I speak to him? (Pause) Oh... hi. Yeah. (Pause) I'm fine. (Pause) Yes,
thank you, he is fine too. (Pause) Listen, I can't meet you at the club tonight. I don't feel safe there right
now. (Pause) Yeah, well, and I couldn't get a babysitter either. Courk won't do it anymore for some reason.
(Pause) Well... could you come over here?(Pause) No. (Pause) Alright. I'll see you later then. (Pause)
Yeah, you too.
She hangs up, still looking troubled.
I wish Mith was here. I'm worried. ~glances at her watch~ Where *is* he?
She puts Sofia into her cot, picks up James instead, and sits down to wait for Sofis.
Scene: The streets of Salem, somewhere not too far from the Capone Residence. A light rain is falling, and
Sofis is walking hunched up in his coat. His eyes are those of a man lost in a maze of thoughts.
Sofis: Could it be? No... she would have told me. Surely, she would have. Or... oh, I don't know. Dare I ask
her? I'm not sure... but I must. She named her Sofia. Oh...
Suddenly the sight of the Capone residence brings Sofis back to the here and now. He walks up to the door
The door is opened, with some difficulty, by a small, dark-haired girl of about six, who stares up at him
with a suspicious expression.
Sofis: Hey... uh... Paladina?
She shakes her head.
Quailette: Do you want to talk to my mom?
Sofis: Yes. If I could. Please.
Quailette turns around silently and walks back into the house; Sofis, after a few moments, follows her.
Very slight scene change: the Capones' living room. Paladina is sitting at a table, colouring in a picture of
a kakapo; James is asleep in his cot, and Luna is sitting on the couch with Sofia asleep in her arms. She
looks up as Sofis enters the room, and smiles shyly.
Luna(smiling): Hey. You turned up, then. You can sit down, if you like.
Sofis moves a few scattered books and toys from the couch and sits down with Luna.
Sofis: So, this is your little girl then? How old is she?
He touches Sofia's hand, and she does that cute baby thing of grabbing hold of your finger really tightly.
Luna: Couple of months.
Sofis: And you called her Sofia?
Luna: Sure. Sofia Capone. Thought it sounded good.
She catches his eye and they both smile.
Sofis: I guess you don't hate me that much, then.
Luna(removing his hand gently from Sofia's fist, and taking hold of it herself): Sofis...
Mith walks in from his 9:45pm walk that he takes every night, feeling a tad bit more relaxed about life. He
carries with him a dozen roses that he took from Care's shop, hoping to surprise his wife. He quietly opens
the door, and walks in... to see Luna and Sofis holding hands.
Luna: Sofis... I...
Mith: What's going on in here??
Sofia suddenly starts crying and Luna jumps in surprise.
Luna: I... he... I can explain honey, it's not how it looks...
***The Ragin’ South Asian***
Scene: The Mean Streets. RSA is frantically biking towards his home.
Police Officer: Where's the fire, son?
RSA: No fire. I have to stop a mad scientist from awakening the peanut monster!
Cop: Breath or urine?
RSA: I'm not drunk! But I guess, breath.
Cop administers test.
Cop: You seem to be sober...but after that story, I'm taking you to the station to be checked out
Scene: 10:29pm, Dockside Streets. Care is sitting by the shoreline, trailing her fingers in the rising tide.
Care(to self): How did I manage to mess everything up so much? And I managed to drag Boris through
everything too. Stupid Ewoks! How could they do that!!! Gah! I hate inter-marriages. And everything
they're working towards will be ruined. All of that anti-mafia bad people research will be lost. Unless I can
do something. Unless...
Care looks up, her face dawning with realization. A slow smile starts to appear. She whips out her cell
phone, and just as she is beginning to call the mysterious informant...
Cop(tapping Care on the shoulder): Miss? Curfew's in a little while. You might want to get on home.
Care: Thank you, sir. Umm... have you seen anyone else on the docks recently?
Cop: Actually, yes. Some guy. And something about the peanut butter monster. Drunk. I took him up to the
Care: Well, sir? Do you know who pays your checks? No? Well, that's my dad. Yep. You didn't know
that? I'm Carentialla Stepiledo. I dropped the name, though. Yeah. Do you think you could let that guy go
for me? Yeah. I'd really appreciate it.
She smiles winningly.
Care: Really?!? Thanks! I'll get on home now!
As Care leaves the docks, she redials her cell phone. Only, on the first ring, she hangs up again.
Care: Well, maybe - just maybe - I can pull this off on my own. With that additional backup, I might make
it. And I always did want to do something exciting... (Looks at the time) Wow! It‟s already 10:45. I guess
I'll start moving towards that bar. And my fate...
Scene: Happy's suburban home, 10:45. Happy sits at his desk, hunched over an abstruse chemistry text.
Periodically, he glances out a window into the neighboring Capone residence.
Happy: ...so if you add the catalyst here...
A shocked expression washes over his face.
Happy: So that what they've been up to! But how can they get that much Drano? That's insane! They could
destroy more than just the town - a blast like that could start a new ice age! I better call Care - she'll want to
tell her folks about this.
Happy picks up the phone, dials, and waits. And waits. And waits. He hangs up.
Happy: Bah. She should be home this late at night.
He glances out the window.
Happy: Especially this night.
Happy sees the figures stop arguing and leave the house.
Happy: I better see what's going on. This can't be good...
Happy follows behind Mith et al, staying out of sight.
Scene: Gomez's Bar, 10:45 pm.
The Dude: ...but I consider myself more of a poodle man.
Gomez(in numerous bandages from his near brush with death): Good. Now, I don't have your money, but...
The Dude: You're going to point me in the right direction, aren't you?
Gomez: Well, no... but...
The Dude: Apparently, you don't understand who you're dealing with.
The Dude pulls away his mask, revealing himself to be known Yakuza (Japanese mafia) leader Koi
Koi: Keep it down. Nobody is to know I'm here now. The money isn't that important to me anyway. What
I'm really after is Capone...
Gomez: You mean Mith? You must be crazy!
Koi: What's even crazier is that you're going to arrange for us to meet.
Gomez: No! Mr. Capone has been a valued customer for...
Koi: You are going to do what I say. I have people allied with me you would never expect. It's funny how
many friends you pick up along the way when you become an enemy with Mith Capone.
Gomez: Ok, ok... just hear me out. I would organize a meeting for you with Mr. Capone, but he's been real
busy lately, you know? But, I'll let you know if he turns up in here any time soon.
Koi puts his mask back on
The Dude: You'd better hope so. And by the way, I'll take whatever money you have for the extermination
Gomez: But... I didn't assign anyone the job! I'm just supposed to be the middleman!
The Dude: Well, it looks like you should have been cut out of this deal then.
Gomez(sighs): ...there goes tonight's profits.
The Dude: Don't forget to call me.
Gomez: I'll call... have a good night...
The Dude exits.
Gomez: Yeah, yeah... I'll call. I'll call Mith.
Scene: The Capone Household.
Luna: I can explain, honey, it's not how it looks...
Mith: I certainly hope so, because it does not look good.
Luna: Sofis, he was just looking for work from the family, he's hit hard times and...
Mith(interrupting): And I'm still waiting for how this involves holding your hand.
Mith: Stay right where you are. Don't move an inch.
He picks up phone.
Mith: Mith here... Gomez, I thought we said 11... what? ...you're sure? ...yes, I'm glad you called... no, I'm
not changing my plans, I just have a little more business to take care of before 11, that's all... and yes, I'll
get you the money back.
Mith hangs up.
Luna: What was it?
Mith: Nothing. I have a few extra things to take care of tonight. We will save the explanation of this for
later. Sofis, get out, now.
Sofis glances sadly at Luna and exits.
Mith: Luna, you had better have a good explanation for this later...
Mith turns to leave.
Luna: Mith... wait...
Mith glances over his shoulder and exits.
Scene: Outside Gomez's. 10:55. It is raining, the water is collecting in scattered puddles freezing to the
pavement and buildings. Sofis is waiting across the street from the Club. Dan is approaching from a
distance, he slips and lands on his tucus. He tries to stand with his soaking chimney sweeper for support,
but just falls down again. Sofis chuckles. Scaling the fire escape Dan reaches the roof of the club weary
and moist. He goes and sits by the dining room's chimney to wait.
Scene: 10:56pm. Two doors down from the bar. Care is standing in a side alley as she waits for the
appointed hour. To pass the time, she pulls out her cell phone and checks the answering machine at home
(as well as her favorite website, GL). Someone called, but there is no message.
Care: Dang! Why don't people ever call my cell phone? I just hope that it wasn't important. And I'm only
too afraid that 11 pm will come all too soon...
Scene: Luna and Baba, in the Capones' house(wow, Luna really needs to get out more, doesn't she?). Luna
is sitting on the couch, sobbing, while Baba offers her tissues and makes sympathetic noises.
Luna(tearfully): Baba, he - he hates me!
Baba: Ssssh. I'm sure he doesn't.
She hands Luna a cup of coffee.
Luna: He does.
Luna: He thinks I'm in love with Sofis!
Baba: Well, are you?
Luna: Well, I, uh...
She takes a sip of coffee, and looks at Baba suspiciously.
Luna: Did you put something in this coffee? Vodka or something?
Baba: Of course not.
Luna: Then take it away and put something in it.
As Baba disappears into the kitchen, Luna picks up another tissue, dries her eyes, and takes a deep breath.
Luna: Okay. I need to do something. This has to be sorted out, and I can only think of one person who'd
have the solution to a mess like this.
She looks over at her daughters.
Luna: Quailette? Put your shoes and coat on. You too, Paladina. We're going out.
She stands up, smoothes down her black dress and runs her fingers through her tangled hair in a pointless
attempt to straighten it.
Luna: We're going to find your daddy.
Scene: 10:59pm. Mith arrives via motorcycle at Club Carlito. He steps off, and calmly walks inside. He
looks around the room, taking in his surroundings. Dan, looking handsome as always, already sits at a
table in the corner. He notices Gomez, nods at him, and notices that Gomez seems a bit jumpy. Talking to
Gomez is The Dude, and nearby, is James, waiting as backup. Mith allows himself a small smile as he
notices that no one is paying attention to James. He walks over to the table, and sits down. Dan is looking a
bit nervous, but before Mith can speak, Care walks in. She looks anxious, and hesitantly walks over to sit
Mith: Let me guess. Corkscrew curls?
Care: How'd you know??
Mith: I just do. You can leave now, thank you for your time.
He tosses her some money, and she gets up with a very confused look on her face, and moves over to
another table to think. Just then, Sofis walks in. Mith makes eye contact with him, and Sofis considers
walking over, but decides against it. Mith decides to ignore him, as well, and begins to talk to Dan...
Nate and IS enter the bar, chatting about what has happened since they last met.
Nate: There they are.
They take a seat near Mith and Dan, order drinks, and survey the room, listening to their conversation.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Outside Dread Pirate Westley is crossing the street to enter Gomez's place, when he is almost run
down by Luna. He gets up and dusts himself off, gives her a dirty look, then starts back toward the bar.
Drawn by the mask, she spins her motorcycle around for a better look at him.
Luna: Is that him? No, he was taller than that.
DPW(to self): What's Luna Capone doing out here? She was supposed to be at the meet inside, but it
doesn't look like she's going in. A bar probably isn't the best place to spend my first night dry anyway.
He takes one last look at the entrance, then takes off into the night after her.
Luna continues her drive around town, when she suddenly remembers the rumors she had heard about
Paladin's secret laboratory, near Pika's now destroyed lab. She rides back to the house, picks up the girls,
and rides up to Paladin's house. She gets off the bike, helps the girls down, hold the girls' hands and walks
up to his door. She starts to knock. Stops. Wonders if this is the best idea or not. Finally, she knocks on the
Scene: In John's Secret lab. Pika is tied to a chair, drugged, with a cut on the left side of his head. He
wakes up, his vision is blurry and his head is pounding. He tries to focus, and as he realizes he is tied up,
Pika: Hey! You can't do this to me! I'll show you! Have they forgotten that I can just teleport out of this
Pika tries to focus, but he can't. Something is blocking his abilities. Suddenly, someone walks in.
Unknown Person: Ah, I see that you are awake. You may be wondering why you can't focus enough to get
out of this. Well, I heard rumors of your abilities, so I developed something to block your powers, in case I
ever had the chance. Now, perhaps if you tell me everything I need to know, I will let you go. Probably not
Pika: Who are you?
Unknown Person: Ah, yes, well I suppose we might as well get to know each other, since we will be
spending alot of time together. I am the Capone's head researcher. They call me... Omega.
Scene: The Capones' kitchen. Baba is pouring vodka into Luna's coffee cup, when Edward(the Capones'
three-year-old son) toddles up to her.
Baba: Hey, sweetheart. You want a cookie?
She passes him a cookie and he smiles and starts to eat it happily.
Baba (to self): Awww. Such a good kid. So quiet. And so pretty. (to Edward) Aren't you? Those big blue
She ruffles his hair.
Baba: And those curls. Like - (Pause) Okay, I'm going to leave that thought right there, and go take your
mommy her drink.
She walks into the living room... but Luna's already gone.
Scene: Paladin's secret hideaway. Luna stands on the doorstep, waiting nervously and clutching the little
girls' hands tightly, as the door opens to reveal a tall, dark-haired man. She looks up at him...
He nods, bewildered.
Luna: These are your daughters. (to the girls) Paladina, Quailette, this is your daddy.
She looks up at Paladin's astonished face and shrugs helplessly.
Luna: Listen. We're in a little bit of trouble. We're going to need your help...
Scene: The streets of Salem... and Luna Capone, having left her children safe with their father, is out for
revenge. Koi Takahashi, aka The Dude, is on his way to Club Carlito, humming to himself and feeling
pretty good. He's less than five minutes from the club, when a small, dark shadow slips out of a side street,
wraps its arm around his neck and presses a knife to his throat.
Luna(hissing): So, Mr. Takahashi, you threatened my husband? I'm not pleased, you know. At all.
She presses the knife a little closer against his skin.
Luna: I'm highly insulted, in fact. You should know that I'm the one you have to worry about.
Scene: The Club, 11pm. It's dead silent. The conversation between Mith and Dan has lagged of and
stopped. The only sound is that of the insects, praying around their lamp god. Everyone is alternating their
gazes between the door, the clock and the walls. Eventually, Sofis fills his lungs...
Sofis: Is something going to happen anytime soon?
He stops, and then continues, with a slightly bewildered expression
Sofis: And why does everyone seem to be so interested in my hair?
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The streets of Salem, a light rain is falling Luna's "conversation" with The Dude is seen from a
different angle, then the camera pans over to the Dread Pirate Westley, who watches from the shadows.
DPW: Well, this is an interesting development. What has The Dude done to draw the wrath of the
He turns to leave to discuss developments with Nate and IS, but he slips on the wet concrete. Hearing him
fall, Luna looks in his direction to see a man dressed all in black getting to his feet and running into the
darkness. As she does Koi grabs her knife hand and twists until she drops it, then knocks her to the ground
before taking off in the opposite direction. She stands up and glares after DPW.
Luna: Was that the same person as earlier? He's just upset me greatly. I may need to meet this mysterious
man in black.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Club. DPW walks to the door, looks inside, then walks away. Only Sofis and Nate see him. Sofis
continues screaming about his hair, which is so very curly, but Nate says something to IS, then drops a $20
on the bar and walks out.
Nate: Where were you?
DPW: Luna Capone almost ran me down as I was getting to the club. I followed her. She went to Paladin's
and dropped off a couple kids, then when I last saw her, she was holding a knife to The Dude's neck.
Nate: Paladin, eh? I think we can count on him to mess with her mind for a while, but if he sides with the
Capones, we'll be in trouble. But what did she have to do with the Dude?
DPW: I'm don't know, but if he's made an enemy of the Capones, he's another potential ally, and if Paladin
joins them, we'll need all the help we can get...
Interior of the Club, Mith and Handsome Dan's table.
Mith: The mafia could very well use someone like you, if its one thing we need in this... this... engagement,
Dan: What is it you need me to do?
Mith: I would rather not discuss the details here, but it has to do with the Drano, and its explosive potential.
Dan: Drano again? I can't get away from this stuff. Supposing I know where you can obtain a plentiful
supply, what‟s in it for me?
Mith: We will discuss that later, we need your assistance now.
Dan: No, I want to know now! I don't especially want to get involved in your Drano wars again, I'd better
be getting paid well to risk my neck like this.
Mith: Oh, money is all you want? That can be easily arranged.
Dan: Looks at him warily. Okay, what do you need me to do?
Mith: First we need an ample supply of Drano, do you know where we could get one?
Dan: I know where we could get some Drano...
Dan: Do you happen to know where the toilets from this club drain to?
He raises his eyebrow.
Mith and Dan finish their discussion, Mith shakes Dan's hand, and gets up to leave. He walks over to the
battered Gomez, whispers something in his ear, and then walks out calmly. He walks out, just missing Luna
getting up and driving off. He hops on his motorcycle, and rides back home. He walks in.
Mith: Honey? I'm home... Where are you?
He walks to the kitchen, finds Baba taking care of little Edward, then walks in to the living room and picks
up Sofia. He suddenly realizes that Paladina and Quailette aren't in the house.
Mith(to self): Surely she wouldn't have taken the girls out with her... Baba? Where's Luna? And the girls?
Baba: I don't know, they left while I was getting her something to drink. She didn't say where she was
Mith picks up his cell phone and dials her number.
Mith: That's odd... something must be wrong with her phone...
Scene: Seeing that her service is no longer necessary, Care gets up to leave the bar. Only, as she begins to
walk out, Mark Hamill appears in front of her.
Mark: Get back in, or your dead meat. You know what I want, so get in and do it.
Care: But... you don't understand. He just moved! I don't know his number!
Mark: You have his cell number. Don't lie to me. Do it!!
Care, deciding that she's not going to stoop for a pawn, sucker kicks Mark. Running out the door, she
crashes into some person, but runs away before anything happens. Heading for home, Care doesn't stop
running until she reaches home. Running inside and locking the door, Care pants heavily as she leans
against the heavy frame. Whipping out her cell, she dials a number...
Care: Boris, I've got a MAJOR problem on my hands...
Scene: Luna Capone picks herself up, swearing under her breath.
Luna: I knew I should have just killed him when I had the chance.
She lights up a cigarette, makes another attempt to straighten her hair, and sets off running back to the
Capone house, pausing only briefly to write 'Sofis's hair rocks' on a nearby wall.
Scene: The Capone House. Mith is pacing, wondering where Luna and the girls are, when his cell phone
Mith: Hello? Hey Omega... What? You had a break through? What... oh, ok, I'll be right over then.
Mith hangs up, and goes back to the kitchen.
Mith: Baba, I'm going to have to go somewhere, have Luna call me when she gets in.
Mith runs out the door, and almost runs over a tired Luna.
Mith: Honey? What happened to you?
Luna: I... well, it's a long story. I'm ok, though. I... are you mad at me?
Mith hugs her.
Mith: I hope not... I just... I just want to know what that was about... with Sofis, I mean.
Luna: Look, can we go inside, it's cold out here. I'll explain everything to you, honey.
Mith: Well... I was on my way to see Omega. He needed to show me something... but you are more
important than that. Come on, let's go inside.
Mith puts his arm around her and walks with her back in their house.
Scene: Secret chimney of Gomez's Club. Handsome Dan the Chimney Sweep slowly lowers himself down to
the basement. Dropping into an underground study, Dan looks around Gomez's Secret Lair.
Dan(thinking to self): The toilets haven't been working for years, Gomez said it was a drain problem, but I
Dan exits the small room and walks down a narrow, brightly lit hallway. Above him on the ground floor he
hears some sort of commotion, but he decides not to let it bother him, he has a job to do. Dan opens a new
door and peaks inside. There are various forms of lab equipment around, crucibles, Bunsen burners,
forceps and the like. Then he sees two small pipes leading from the ceiling into two beakers sitting on a
counter. Dan doesn't know why Gomez would monitor liquids poured down toilet, but he empties the
beaker marked "Men's Room" into a canteen. Dan begins to walk out, but then stops. Why would Gomez
need to monitor what comes through the toilets? A form of secret storage perhaps? For what? Dan begins
to walk back to the counter with a second canteen, but then hears footsteps coming from upstairs. The
commotion has stopped. Dan darts out of the room and runs down the hall back to the small study.
Thrusting his arms and legs tautly against the sides of the chimney, Dan begins to shimmy up the two floors
to the roof.
Scene: Nate walks into the bar on the ground floor of the hotel he lives in. Getting some rocks on bourbon,
he surveys the customers in search of loose women. Wait a minute. Doesn't that ravishingly sexy blonde
sitting in the corner sipping her cocktail look remarkably like Luna Capone? She isn't wearing black,
though. Also, isn't she just a wee bit better looking than Luna Capone? Nate sidles over to the sex-goddess.
Nate: Is this seat taken?
Luna's Evil Twin: No. And this one won't be either, if you sit down.
Nate: I guess that's because you'll be kneeling in front of me.
Nate sits down.
LET: Who do you think you are?!? Some kind of wanker, obviously.
Nate: You could say that. My friends call me Nate Dogg.
LET: Then I won't.
Nate: You can call me anything you like. As long as you don't call me late for dinner.
LET: I have better things to do than sit here listening to some wanking wanker.
She stands up and starts to leave.
[Sudden change in the storyline, according to article 3, number 6, paragraph 2 of the IASOS's
(International Association of Soap Opera Screenplays) rulebook.]
LET suddenly turns around and throws herself at Nate's feet.
LET: I love it when you talk that way.
Nate: Good, 'cause I don't know how to talk differently.
LET: I need you. Let's go.
LET drags Nate away from the bar and into an open elevator. Without paying for their drinks of course. I
don't think people in soaps ever do. The doors of the elevator close and it ascends, only to stop between the
3rd and 4th floors. An hour passes as the maintenance man, who isn't on duty at the time, is called and
comes to fix the elevator. When the door is finally opened, LET stumbles out in her underwear (Happy,
IS?), followed by Nate in his (Happy, Lilifreid?). As they kiss passionately before entering Nate's room,
only one question remains. What in God's name happened to their clothes?
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Main Street, about 30 minutes after Nate and Luna‟s evil twin stumble out of the elevator. The
Dread Pirate Westley is walking down the street considering the potential implications of a Paladin-
Capone alliance when his cell phone rings
Nate: Wes, come to 1473 7th Street, quick.
DPW: Huh? Why?
But Nate has already hung up. DPW shrugs and heads over to Nate‟s.
Scene: Nate‟s place. A knock comes at the door. Nate opens the door fully dressed to reveal DPW. Luna‟s
evil twin is nowhere to be seen
DPW: What was so important that I had to come over right away? And that you couldn‟t even use my full
Nate says nothing but instead opens a door revealing the Capone twins, James and Sofia, crying.
Nate: Allow me to introduce James and Sofia Capone. Sofia‟s the one with the cute curls.
DPW(shocked): You kidnapped them? I want the Capones out of Salem, but this is too far.
Nate: You think they‟re going to leave, just because we ask them to? Are you really that naive? This gives
us an advantage over them.
DPW: I can‟t let you do this.
Just then, Smart Goon and Dumb Goon step into the room
Smart Goon: Duh, you can‟t stop us.
Nate: You idiot, that‟s my line. You can‟t stop us. If you‟re not with us, you‟re against us. Get him.
DPW manages to evade the goons and disappears into the night again. Luna‟s evil twin, steps out of
another room, still in her underwear(still happy, IS?).
LET: I told you we shouldn‟t have let him know about this!
Nate: Don‟t worry about him. Goons, take care of him.
Scene: Mith and Luna entering their house. Luna turns on the lights to reveal DPW reading an article on
synesthesia in the Feb 2001 Smithsonian
magazine(http://www.smithsonianmag.si.edu/smithsonian/issues01/feb01/synesthesia.html). She goes for
her gun, but with a flash of a sword, it is skittering across the room. He then touches the blade to Mith‟s
DPW: I wouldn‟t try anything, Shado-kei. Besides, I‟m not here to fight. Look in there. He gestures into
the next room. But you may want a drink first.
He indicates a shot of vodka waiting on the table, as Luna downs it, DPW walks over and picks up her gun
on his sword then offers it to her as she looks into the den where Baba is tied up and gagged. DPW slides
his knife across the floor to Luna so she can cut Baba loose.
Luna: What‟s happened?
DPW: Nate has James and Sofia...
Mith drops to one knee and closes his eyes, shaking. Luna looks at DPW in shock for a minute.
Luna: He... what?
Luna seems like she is about to faint, so DPW goes over to catch her. Instead, she kicks the sword out of his
hand as places the knife she is still holding to her neck.
Luna: Now, I know you have been working with Nate. Give me one good reason that I shouldn't cut your
throat right now.
DPW(short of breath): It wasn't me, it was Nate! I wanted no part in this! I came to help, I couldn't let him
get away with this, no matter what I think of you.
Mith: Let him go, Luna. DPW, my wife and I need to talk. Leave. Be back here in 2 hours, or you are a
Luna looks at her husband, in a bit of shock, and finally pushes DPW away. DPW looks a bit surprised, but
leaves. As soon as he walks out the door, Luna collapses on the couch, while Mith pulls out his cell phone.
Mith: Omega? Yes... listen, I'm not going to be available at the lab for a few days... ok, yeah, take care of
things down there... ok... would you like me to send someone over to help? Ok, I will... I'll let you know
when I get back.
Mith hangs up and dials another number.
Mith: Gomez? Hey, we have a situation... yes, we'll take care of it... are you ok? Good, I need you to go
back to the lab and assist Omega... yeah, call Eykir and he can run the club for a few days... yeah, ok.
Mith hangs up again and looks at his wife.
Mith: Luna, call James. Tell him to get over her as soon as he can. Dethy too... and anyone else you think
Luna: Ok... er... even Sofis?
Mith just looks at her for a second.
Mith: Yes. Even him. After you call, we need to talk.
Mith tosses her the phone and walks over to check on Baba. Luna just looks at him for a minute, almost in
tears, before finally dialing James...
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Exterior Capone manor. Smart Goon and Dumb Goon are watching the entrance as DPW leaves.
Smart Goon dials a cell phone as DPW re-sheathes his sword.
DPW: That's real gratitude. Why did I think I should help them?
Smart Goon: Duh, boss. That Pirate guy just camed out of the Capone place. (Pause) Uh-huh. (Pause) Ok.
(Pause) yes (Pause) So you want us to kill him? (Pause, an angry loud voice can be heard over the phone)
OK, bye boss. See ya soon.
The scene fades on the goons knocking DPW out with the butt of a gun.
Scene: Nate's place. The twins are crying in the background.
Nate: He's gone to see your sister. Why did I go along with your "infallible" plan?
Luna's evil twin: Shut up you brats! I wouldn't be too worried about that whiny little *****. Last time she
cut herself in the kitchen she fainted. Mith's the one we have to worry about, but I can take care of him.
Scene: Happy's suburban home. After returning home, Happy goes to his computer and draws up the
archives from the web cam just outside the Capone's window. He's had it there ever since he found out the
Capones moved there. Honest.
Happy: Nothing new, apparently. That little excursion was an enormous waste of time... Wha?
Happy watches as Baba gets tied up and Sofia and James are dragged away.
Happy: Now that's not cool. Those kids need a good place to stay. It's just not fair to get them involved in
all that mess.
Happy notices the "current" window, then looks outside, where the goons are gloating over the
unconscious DPW. He then sees DPW run into the house on the monitor. A long pause follows; Happy fast-
forwards. Mith and Luna enter, the confrontation occurs again, the "archive window melds back to the
Happy: I've got to do something - once I figure out who I should be helping...
Happy picks up a phone and dials - and waits.
Happy: Hey, this is Happy. Call me back, you know the number. I really need to talk to somebody, you
wouldn't believe what's going on. Thanks.
Scene: The rubble of Pika's blown up lab. Something that looks like it is half robot and half human starts to
Robot Side: Programming error. Creator unknown.
Cyborg hits its robot side.
Human Side: Shut up. I know who created me and I will find and destroy him for bringing me into this
wretched life. I will destroy the one known as Pikachamp2.
Camera swivels around to see another body walking away from the rubble in the opposite direction.
Person That Looks Like Pika: I must find and stop my clone, Pikachamp2.
Scene: Luna - blissfully unaware that she's being watched - puts down the phone and collapses onto her
sofa, crying quietly.
Mith: Luna? We need to talk, yes?
Luna looks up at him, all tearstained and pathetic.
Luna: What about?
Mith(angry): Maybe about the way I came home to find you holding hands with... him?
Luna: Mith, our kids are missing! Is this really any time to start interrogating me about Sofis?
Mith(glares at her): Our kids? Sure about that, are you?
Luna sighs, and looks at the floor.
Scene: Courk's house. Courk walks into her house to hear her answering machine beeping and presses
Machine: You have... one... new mess-age.
Courk listens through the entire message before calling Happy back.
Courk: What is it? You made it sound like it was urgent... What? Kidnapped?! Yeah he'll be mad. I gotta
do something to help... Well, I can't let my boyfriend's niece and nephew get captured! ...Bah at you! I
know they've already been captured, I meant, ugh. You know what I meant!
She hangs up the phone.
Courk(to self): It looks like its back to the tonda haisha days again...
She leaves the house again headed for the Capone‟s.
Scene: The Capone's House.
Mith: What Luna? Why do you get so dramatic when I bring up Sofis??
Luna: Mith... I... I...
The doorbell rings. After they look at each other for a minute, Mith goes over to answer it. He opens the
door and sees Courk and James. He shakes James' hand, and then looks questioningly at Courk.
Mith: What are you doing here?
Courk: I know about the twins. I came to help. Is that a problem?
Mith: Well, no, I suppose not. How do you know? Oh, and how are the ribs?
Courk: I'd rather not say. And, fine, thank you.
Mith: Well. Come in.
They all walk in. Luna has composed herself, and Mith gives her a "we'll finish this later" look. Mith
motions to some chairs and Courk and James sit down.
Mith: Well. Hopefully Dethy will arrive soon. As each of you apparently knows, our twins, Sofia and
James, have been kidnapped. We aren't sure why yet, but we aren't going to wait around to find out. We
*will* get them back. Now, we need to figure out how we will do this...
Scene: Streets of Salem. Matt chases a monkey down a small street near Club Carlito, hoping that Courk
will arrive soon to help him catch it. The monkey seems to have the upper hand over the exhausted Matt,
and soon climbs a nearby storm water pipe to escape.
Matt: Bah! I almost caught it that time! If only Mouko-kun were here... where is she?
Matt notices that his pager(a really high-tech one used by monkey hunters) has been beeping at him while
the chase was on. He opens it to find a message from(surprise) Courk:
Matt, Something important has come up, so I won't be able to do much hunting today. :)
I don't know when this will be over, but until then, I'm sure Care would love to get some action
My old village called, they're tired of having you as idiot and want me back...
He closes his pager and leaves for the florists.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The docks, near where Nate and DPW met earlier. Nate and Luna's evil twin are dragging DPW's
bound and unconscious form. The Goons are keeping an eye out for anyone who wants to interfere. DPW
starts to stir.
Nate: Ah. You're awake. We were going to let you live, but you had to go and do something foolish. Nice
working with you...
DPW: Luna? What are you doing here?
LET makes a disgusted sound, then shoves him into the water. After a few moments, all signs of life are
gone. Nate and LET watch far longer than is necessary, then walk off.
Scene: The afterlife.
Death: Jeez, it‟s about time I showed up in this picture. Oh, er, WELCOME, DREAD PIRATE WESTLEY.
DPW: Oh. I wasn't planning on seeing you just yet. That's it then.
Death: YES. WELL, YOU DO GET ONE CHANCE. YOU MAY RETURN TO THE WORLD OF THE
LIVING, IF YOU CAN BEAT ME IN A GAME OR CONTEST OF YOUR CHOOSING.
DPW: How about the game of Life?
Death: IS THAT SOME SORT OF JOKE?
DPW shakes his head innocently.
Death: OK, THEN. LET'S PLAY.
Image of clock on wall not moving.
DPW: I have $75,372,000 and five kids.
Death: I HAVE $3.75 AND MY WIFE DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. HERE'S YOUR SOUL BACK.
DPW's soul returns to his body, where he immediately drowns again.
DPW: Ha ha. Very funny. It's because I made you play life isn't it?
Death shakes his head innocently.
DPW: Fine. How about Clue?
DPW throws the dice once.
DPW: Was it Col. Mustard, with the revolver, in the hall?
Death: I, UH, DON'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE CARDS.
DPW: Don't forget to untie me this time, ok?
Death: FINE, FINE. JUST GO.
DPW's soul is again returned to his body, which swims to the surface. He checks his watch to see that it‟s
almost the time Mith told him to be back.
DPW: I'd better hurry, or I'll be meeting him again, soon.
Scene: Nate and LET's hideout. LET is growing fond of little Sofia, and carries her around constantly(poor
child...). She looks in on the crying James.
LET: Shut up, kid! Why can't you be like your sweet little sister? Bah.
She turns to leave, but hears a noise behind her, and turns back around abruptly. James is gone.
Scene: The Master's underground hideout. Someone stands before him, holding James.
The Master: Well done... well done indeed. Those incompetent fools would have let Capone get his kids
back too easily. Now, let them find James! Hahaha...
The figure sets James in an evil looking little crib, and turns. We see the evil ninja master, known only as...
Scene: The Capones' living room. Everyone is formulating a rescue plan or the twins, and still waiting on
Courk: Do you know who took them?
Luna: Nate and DPW.
Courk: Oh really? How do you know this? Did they leave a note or something?
Luna: No, they left DPW.
Courk: Where are you holding him?
Mith: I told him to come back in two hours. He still has 20 minutes...
Courk: And if he doesn't come back then...
Mith makes a throat-slashing motion.
Courk: But you'll hafta find him first. You just gave him a 2 hour head start out of the city.
Mith: I... aww shoot. I didn't even think of that.
Courk: Let me use your phone. If he's out on the streets anywhere I know who can find him.
Courk dials a number.
Courk: Heya Matt.... Yeah, sorry about that.... We'll get him next time. Listen, I need you to find DPW and
keep a tail on him, call me if he tries to leave town... or has left town... The number is 420-4242.... Don't
worry about why, it doesn't concern you. Bye.
Scene: Handsome Dan the Chimney sweep skitters away from Gomez's club. He can't remember where he
was supposed to meet Mith, so he just heads for the Capone house, admiring himself in store windows as he
goes. While striding down the street to the Capone residence Dan crosses through a small park in the
middle of town. He steps on a squishy part of the grass, and jumps off, not wanting to get his shoes muddy,
but he ends up falling down. He falls onto a grate in the middle of the lawn. Looking down, he sees a small
child in an evil-looking crib. He is about to get up and leave, but is knocked out by a silent evil ninja
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Capone Manor. Even before Courk can hang up the phone with Matt, DPW bursts in, still wet
from his trip under the docks. Without a word, he draws his sword and charges at Luna. The sound of
James cocking a gun stops him cold. The sword clatters to the ground.
DPW: Care to try again? Or are you going to let one of your goons do it this time?
Mith: I'll give you to the count of 3 to explain why you come in here and threaten my wife, but I'm starting
DPW: When I left, before I even made it to the street, someone clubbed me from behind. I came to just in
time for her and Nate to let me practice swimming with both arms and legs tied behind my back.
Courk: That's impossible. Luna's been here since I got here more than an hour ago.
Mith: Luna and I have been here ever since you left.
DPW: I know what I saw, and I saw her.
As this exchange goes on Luna looks puzzled, then realizes the only possible explanation.
Luna(to herself): She's back.
Courk: Who in this town could look like Luna in the dark?
DPW: It wasn't someone who looked LIKE Luna, it WAS Luna!
Mith: But it couldn't have been! You know that!
Luna: Mith, honey, it has to be my twin...
Mith: Twin? What twin? You have a twin?
Luna: Yes, dear, I have a twin. And she is evil enough to do this, too...
Everyone stares at Luna in disbelief...
Sofis: A twin, huh?
The eyes on Luna are momentarily shifted towards the door, where Sofis has just entered.
Sofis: Oh, don't let me interrupt. We were about to hear something important, I believe...?
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Outside the florist's.
Matt has come looking for Care to help in his monkey and DPW hunting, but since its about 2 am, not
surprisingly, the shop is closed, and Care is nowhere to be seen.
Matt: Nice thinking, boss. Working alone tonight, I guess.
He heads down to the docks, where he finds the rope used to tie DPW sitting on the pier, which appears to
have been cut by an extremely fine blade. He dials a number on his phone. Split-screen effect with him and
Matt: Courk? No trace of the pirate, but I found something interesting by the docks.
Courk: Don't worry about finding him. He's here. I'll call you back in a little bit.
Courk's side expands to fill the whole screen, where Sofis has just entered.
Luna: Yes, I have a twin.
Luna: It runs in the family... We can talk about that later, though. Sofis, I have some news...
Luna walks over to him and takes his hands.
Luna: Your... uh... that is, our...
She takes a deep breath.
Luna: Sofia and James are missing.
Scene: Care, realizing that something must be done, phones Courk.
Care: Hi, Courk? .... Yeah, I wanted some help with something. .... Yeah, I tried calling Boris, but he
wasn't there. .... Call Matt? What do you mean? .... He's looking for me? Oh.... that‟s right. Okay, I'll call
him. What‟s the number? .... Thanks. And Courk - if Boris calls you, tell him I'll call him again tomorrow.
Otherwise... exactly. Thanks, Courk.
Care now picks up the phone and dials Matt.
Care: Hi, Matt? ... Yeah, this is Care. Courk said you were looking for me... Dockside in 2 minutes? I'm on
my way. See you in two.
Care rushes out the door and starts running towards the town docks.
Scene: The Capones' house. Dethwing finally arrives and knocks on the door. He looks like he's been in a
fight, and his lip is bleeding. He is also carrying a bag. Mith opens the door, looks at him curiously, and
motions him in.
Mith: Ok, everyone, Dethy has arrived. Let's sit around the table to talk.
Deth: What's happened?
Mith: I'll explain shortly Deth, have a seat.
They all get up and walk to the table. Luna and James sit on either side of Mith. Sofis starts to sit next to
Luna, but changes his mind when he sees the expression on Mith's face. Baba sits between them. The others
scatter around the table. Mith suddenly speaks.
Mith: Wait a minute, where is Dan?
Luna: That handsome chimney sweep fellow? Why?
Mith: I told him to be here... oh well... nevermind. Anyway... as most of you know, our children...
Mith looks suspiciously at Luna, and she looks away.
Mith: ...James and Sofia, have been kidnapped, by Nate. And your sister?
Luna: Yes, my twin sister.
Deth: That's horrible! The Godfa... I mean, we must get them back!
Courk: Mith, we should easily be able to sneak in and sneak back out. But where are they holding the
DPW: I know where they are. Or at least, where they were.
Mith: Ok, that's a start. James should be able to find them once we have a trail, right James?
Mith: Ok, now before we go, I want to know what happened to Deth, and what's in that bag. Deth?
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Capone's. Deth is just about to reveal the contents of his bag and source of his injuries. He
dumps a fine white powder onto the table.
Deth: Not exactly. Would it help if I told you I got this from The Tiger?
Recognition dawns on the faces of the assembled characters.
Deth: He and The Master have formed some sort of distribution arrangement. I was lucky to escape The
Master's compound alive.
Mith: A problem for another day. Right now, we have a more important problem on our hands. Courk,
DPW, you come with me. The rest of you stay here.
He looks around the table
Mith: Sofis, I think you'd better come, too.
Sofis takes a quick glance at Luna, then shrugs and stands up and follows the others. Luna grabs Courk on
her way out the door.
Luna(whispering): Don't let anything happen between those two.
Courk says nothing, but looks into Luna's eyes and nods.
Scene: Outside Nate's. The foursome arrives to rescue the twins.
DPW: Third floor, second room from the end.
Mith: Courk and I will handle this. You two stay here. And Pirate, if he tries to leave, (pause) kill him.
The ninjas ascend the building leaving DPW and Sofis alone in the street.
DPW: What'd you do to make him so mad?
Sofis says nothing, and continues miseably watching the pair make their way up to the window.
Scene: Nate's, interior. Mith and Courk enter through the window and begin searching the place for Sofia
and James. They quickly find that they are alone in the building. Mith angrily rushes back out the window,
but Courk waits for one more moment.
Scene: exterior. Mith comes flying out the window, landing on DPW, ready to strike a killing blow, when
Courk lands next to him and stuffs a note in his hand.
Mith: "Greetings, Mr. Capone. I suspected the pirate might lead you back here. It is to be expected, I
suppose. My fault for selecting a henchman not ruthless enough. Good-bye."
Mith stands, crumples the note, and tosses it aside. As it lands, Nate's place explodes, sending debris
everywhere. As the others cringe from the sudden light, sound and flying furniture, Mith stares into the
Scene: Club Carlito, closing time. Eykir is preparing to leave - switching out the lights, clearing away the
glasses, kicking out Internet Stranger.
IS: I was promised strippers!
Eykir: Maybe tomorrow.
Finally, it's done, and poor Eykir can leave. He steps out into the cool night air and heads for the river. It's
a dark night, but he's familiar with the route by now. He wanders slowly up to the old stone bridge, and
walks across, until he reaches the middle, where he sits down with his legs dangling over the edge.
Eykir(quietly, to self): All these years... Well, I hope she's happy with him.
He throws a stone into the river, and listens to it splash into the water.
Eykir: I wonder if she ever thinks about me.
He sighs, looking down into the water - when a strange sound distracts him. Glancing down to the path that
runs alongside the river, he sees a young, blonde girl, running, and carrying a small, crying bundle. She
looks familiar, but from this distance he can't really place her.
He goes back to brooding and looking melancholy.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Master's underground hideout. The Master watches one of his monitors as Nate's trap goes off.
He nods appreciatively.
The Master: Not bad. But that doesn't seem like Nate's style. He must have someone helping him. But
who? Chuck! Go find Nate "Dogg" and bring him here.
Chuck leaves silently as The Master continues surveying his video screens. He glances at Eykir on the
bridge and notes Care and Matt's meeting on the docks.
The Master: Bah!
He switches off the monitors so he can gloat over the handsome chimney sweep that fell into his trap, but
just as he does, a flash of blonde hair is seen disappearing around a street corner. He quickly flips the
monitor back on, but the streets are still.
The Master: Who was that? Could it be true...
He walks past a crib containing a sleeping James to study his other prisoner.
The Master: Now, Daniel, we will talk about the Drano formula.
Scene: By the rubble that was Nate's. Mith gets up and pulls DPW off the ground.
Mith: I... apologize. I have been... stressed. Quite understandable, in my opinion.
He glances at Sofis, who looks away.
Courk: Well. What now?
Mith: Hmmm... Well, if Luna's twin is with Nate, maybe Luna will be able to help find her. Let's go back
to our house...
Scene: The Capones' House. Luna, Dethy, James, and Baba are sitting around the table. Dethy and Baba
are trying unsuccessfully to cheer Luna up, while James stares silently at the door...
Scene: LET and Nate's secret hideout. IS and Duff burst into the room, startling Sofia into crying.
LET: Not again... You! What are you doing here?
IS and LET exchange slightly surprised looks upon seeing each other.
Nate: I invited him here, of course. We've been working together to get rid of the Capones.
IS: You said you had something to show me, I didn't expect a Capone kid. Bah. You're a dead man now,
you know that? Luna might let her sister live, because she's family, but they have no reason to not kill you.
Nate: Relax IS, they won't find us. Someone did though... that's why we are here. Hey, you never explained
how you managed to lose him.
IS: You what??
Scene: Happy's suburban home Happy sits in front of his computer, peering intently at the backs of the
company at the Capone residence.
Happy: If only I could get some sound - I can't just sit here, after all. I haven't got the slightest what's
happening over there! Arg.
Happy looks around dejectedly at his dimmed room. He eyes an old computer microphone on his desk. A
slow smile creeps across his face.
Scene: The Afterlife.
John Davidson: um... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... ack! Boardwalk!
Death: HAHAHA, I FINALLY WIN! YOUR SOUL IS MINE.
John finds himself trapped in a small, soccer-ball shaped bubble. He's rolling around on some sort of hot,
acidic liquid, with only the bubble protecting him. The current pushes him toward sharp rock after sharp
rock, and he frantically struggles to roll out of danger...
Scene: Mith, Courk, DPW, and Sofis walk back to the Capones' House. Mith pulls Courk aside and
whispers to her.
Mith: Courk, I know I can trust you, because you have the honor of the ninja with you. I need to talk to you
later about my plans. Right now, I have something to take care of, and I need you to keep and eye on Sofis
for me. If he tries anything, take care of it. I know you respect my marriage, whether you respect me or not.
Courk: Of course.
Mith: I will return in 30 minutes. Keep everyone at the house until I return.
Mith sneaks off silently into the darkness. We see him walking along a bridge, talking on his cell.
Mith: Yes, Omega... it shouldn't be a problem, it's not like everything we do is legal. It's just a hospital...
Yes, I'm sure. They have to have blood samples somewhere. Yes. Ok, I have to go. Bye man.
Mith continues walking along the bridge, and fails to notice Eykir, still sitting on the edge.
Scene: Omega puts his cell phone away and starts making his plans to obtain the requested blood sample.
Omega(quietly, to self): You know, the boss is going to be awfully unhappy if this shows anything other
than what he wants. Maybe I should tell him what he wants to hear regardless of what the tests show.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Capones‟. Courk, DPW, and Sofis return empty-handed and without Mith. On seeing Sofis,
Luna looks momentarily relieved, then becomes depressed when she realizes the rescue attempt failed, then
angry when she realizes Mith is not with them. She glares at Sofis and Courk.
Luna: What did you do to him? And I asked you to make sure nothing happened.
Courk: Mith'll be here soon. He told us to come ahead.
Luna: Lies! I knew I shouldn't have let the three of you go alone with him. (to Courk)Your nemesis has
been defeated. (to DPW) You've furthered your goal of defeating us. (to Sofis) And everybody knows what
Mith has that you want.
Deth: Luna, you're overreacting. How long until Mith will be back?
Courk: 30 minutes.
Deth: Fine. We'll wait a while, then if Mith doesn't show, you can kill them
Luna: You're right, of course, Dethy. It's been a rough day.
She goes to the phone, dials a number, looks at the phone disgustedly, and hangs up. The would-be
rescuers are shoved into chairs where James keeps an eye on them. Courk begins meditating, DPW nods
off, but Sofis keeps looking nervously at Luna and the clock.
Sofis: Luna, is this really necessary?
Luna gives him a look.
Sofis: Luna, I wouldn't kill Mith even if I got an opportunity to do so. And before you accuse me of lying, I
can assure you it wouldn't be because I'd be sorry to see him go. I wouldn't, because I would never hurt you
like that. I also wouldn't kill the only father... the children have known, regardless of whose genes they
share! Luna... can we talk about this? Please.
Luna closes her eyes and massages her forehead with one hand, the other busy fiddling with a knife.
James: Uh, Luna, I don't think you...
Luna's eyes snap open and bore into James' skull.
Luna: I am quite capable of dealing with any problems that may arise, thank you.
She turns to Sofis and gestures to a door.
Luna: In there. You first.
Sofis gets up and enters the room, with Luna behind him. The door closes behind them.
James: She's not entirely stable right now, is she?
Deth: Would you be? She's right, though. She is capable.
Scene: Back on the docks, Care and Matt scower the docks looking for traces of monkeys.
Care: Matt, I really don't see anything. I mean, I've been on slow hunts, but this is HORRIBLE!!
Matt: I know what you mean. Maybe we should just call it a night.
Care: Sounds good to me. I'll see you tomorrow. Err… tonight.
As the two part ways, Care notices Mith walking by himself. She decides to investigate, figuring that
something just may happen...
Mith: You never caught her? Oh well. Your revenge on Boris will come eventually. Don't worry about it.
Exactly. Now, what I really wanted to talk to you about was that problem with You-Know-Who. He's at
home with my wife currently. Exactly. Well, both of them. They don't know that I know. I'm headed home
shortly, and I'm sure they'll be involved in something. What exactly, I don't know. I've already walked in on
them once, though. Okay, thanks for your help.
Mith hangs up the phone, and then glances around. Care tries to hide, but unfortunately doesn't move quite
Mith: You!! Get out here where I can see you! Mmm. The florist. Well, you should be useful...
Care: Mr. Capone! I'm so sorry! Please, I must be getting home. Early start tomorrow, with Valentine's
Day and all...
Mith: Shut up. Open late tomorrow. I'll reimburse the differences. For now, I want you to find Nate. Come
only to me. Tell anyone of this meeting, and you're dead. Got it?
Care: Got it.
Mith: Now get out of here. I have other things to deal with.
Care runs off into the distance on her unwanted mission, but is relieved over the fact that the Boris problem
is solved. Mith turns towards home and starts walking at a brisk pace, unknown to his wife or rival.
Scene: Luna walks into her room, sits down on her bed and locks the door.
Luna: Sit down.
Sofis sits on the bed, maintaining a respectful distance from Luna.
Luna: I'm... I'm sorry, Sofis. I should never have said that.
Sofis shakes his head and looks away.
Sofis: It's alright. I know you're not quite yourself.
Pause. Sofis puts his hand on Luna's arm.
Sofis: Luna, you have to tell me. About the children. Please. How do you think this feels?
Luna: I can't.
Sofis: What? Why?
Luna: I don't know.
She starts to cry again. Sofis, rather awkwardly, puts his arm round her to comfort her, and she puts her
head on his shoulder and sobs. Neither of them, of course - this is a soap - hear Mith's key in the front
Scene: Mith walks in, sees everyone except Luna and Sofis sitting in the living room, and immediately pulls
out his gun.
Courk: Oh, great not you too... Luna is in there threatening Sofis for you not coming back with us. Happy?
Mith frowns, lowers his gun, and walks over to the door...
Scene: Cut back to Luna and Sofis.
Sofis: Sssshhhh. It's ok. We'll get them back. I promise.
Sofis lifts Luna's head from his shoulder and wipes her tears away; and she smiles, just a teeny tiny bit.
Sofis: You'll be alright.
They are, of course, sitting rather more close together than they were at first; and there's some definite eye
contact going on too... Sofis brushes Luna's hair away from her face, and leans just a little bit closer to her.
Mith walks over to the door, gun still in hand, and pushes it quietly open. He sees Luna and Sofis, looking
like they are about to kiss. His eyes go wide, he pulls the gun back up, and Courk, Dethy, James, DPW, and
Baba all yell, jumping up and running toward him. Mith aims calmly at Sofis' head, and fires, just as Sofis
and Luna, hearing the yelling, jump up. Sofis falls back, bleeding from the arm. Luna looks in shock at her
husband and at the wounded Sofis, and gets between them, before Mith can adjust his aim. Everyone else
arrives at the door, shocked, while Mith continues to stand there with the gun pointed at Luna.
Mith: Get out of the way. Now.
Luna(crying): No!! Don't! You'll have to shoot me first!
Mith looks surprised, and stands there, still pointing the gun at her, shaking. The others are scared he will
shoot her and are afraid to try to get the gun away from him. Mith starts crying, and finally drops the gun,
and leans heavily on the door. The others rush in to check on the bleeding Sofis, while Luna collapses on
the bed, crying.
Scene: Through some cruel twist of fate, it is now that Matt finds the monkey he was looking for. He draws
his sword(only a wooden one, they don't give real ones to ninjas-in-training) and swings it at the monkey.
Matt: Care? Come back!!! I've found one!!!
No response. The monkey takes this opportunity to jump onto Matt and attempt to get into his pockets. A
swift jab with the sword(and a great amount of yelling) sends it to the ground, holding The Master's crystal
in it's tail.
Matt: ! How did you know... you're The Master's monkey! The one I was after!
The monkey hesitates for a moment to recover, then runs off in the direction of The Master's hideout. Matt
gives chase for some time before bringing his sword down onto its tail and making it release the crystal.
Unfortunately, The Master knows where it is now...
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Capones‟, interior. DPW has put a bandage on Sofis' wound, so at least he's not bleeding on
Luna's bed anymore. No one speaks for a long time. Finally, Mith breaks the silence.
Mith: Luna, you stay. Everyone else, get out. Now.
James, Deth, DPW, Baba, Courk, and anyone else start to head for the door. Sofis gives no indication that
he means to follow them, instead he looks at Luna protectively. She looks back at him, then Mith. Sofis
moves toward her, but she turns away. He looks hurt, then starts to leave. As he does, Mith grabs his good
arm. He speaks quietly so Luna can't hear him.
Mith: You're out of chances, Curly. If I even think you and she...
He leaves the second half unsaid. Sofis looks at him blankly for a moment, then jerks his arm away and
Scene: The Capones‟, exterior. Most of the others have left, but DPW is awaiting Sofis' exit.
DPW: You're lucky it went all the way through. It would have been a lot messier if I'd had to go in after the
Sofis: Who are you? What are you trying to accomplish?
DPW: I am no one to be trifled with. I just want the Capones out of Salem. This town is better off without
their kind. But their kids shouldn't be involved. You should have a professional look at that. Rumor has it
Capone has someone in Salem General, so I'll take you to St. Amy's.
They get in DPW's car(Ever see The Avengers? It's Steed's Bentley), and drive off.
Scene: Inside, Luna looks at Mith in disbelief.
Luna: I don't want to talk to you.
Mith catches hold of her hand.
Mith(in tears): Luna, please. Tell me what's happening?
Luna looks at the floor and doesn't answer.
Mith: Did you kiss him?
Mith(quietly): Well, I guess that's my answer...
A tear runs down his face.
Mith: Why, Luna? We were so happy.
He drops her hand, turns away from her, and leaves the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
WILL MITH AND LUNA GET BACK TOGETHER????
WILL THE KIDS TURN OUT TO BE SOFIS'S????
AND WHAT ABOUT NATE????
Tune in next week for the (maybe) answers to the first two questions but as for the third...
The phone rings at the Capones'. RRRRRRING. RRRRRRING. RRRR…
Happy, holding a screwdriver, a microphone, and a very long cord, leans over the Capone's sky light,
watching intently as the scene below develops. Transfixed, he doesn't notice the glass just beginning to
crack beneath his fingertips...
Scene: The Docks. After scouering the docks, care decides to call it a night.
Care: Mafia. Bah. I knew this town was gunna be bad... Stupid town.
Through Care's ranting, she fails to notice Matt chasing the monkey. He also misses her. Care walks home
and dejectedly slumps into a couch and makes a couple of calls.
Care: Hi. IS? …Yes, this is Carebaby. Look, I need your help... Can I talk to you tomorrow night? ...That‟s
perfect. The bridge by the docks is perfect. What time? ...10 is a little early, but it'll leave my evening free
to deal with that information. Thanks so much... See you tonight.
Glancing down at her phone, care dials again.
Care: Hi! This is care... CARE... CARE... right. Since when did you get hard of hearing? ...Oh, thanks!
Teasing's nice! Anyways, I need some help from you. ...Exactly. Tomorrow at 6 pm. That‟s it. ...I know its
Valentine's day. Okay. So I'll see you tomorrow. The regular restaurant. Thanks... Luv you too. ... Bye.
Care hangs up the phone and puts on her night clothes. She glances at the clock. It reads 2:53 am. Care
sighs and slips into bed.
Scene: Back at the Capone's house, Mith is slowly walking away from the closed door. Suddenly, a
crashing sound is heard from above, followed by a scream. Mith looks up, and jumps away in time to see
HappyMutant crashing into his living room. Mith pulls out the gun.
Mith: What are you doing here?
Happy: I... I.... *gulp*
Mith: I want you out of my house! Get the heck out of here!!! And you NEVER SAW ANYTHING!!!!
Happy scuttles out the front door, glad that he got away so easily. Mith sinks down into a nearby lazy
chair. He collapses, and holds his head in his hands.
Mith: Luna... Luna! Why did you do that to me??? Luna!!!
Mith starts weeping uncontrollably.
Luna is in the bedroom, pacing, when she hears Mith crying her name.
Luna(to self): Oh Mithy... I can't stand to see him hurt like that... but he shot Sofis! How could he?? I can't
go in there right now... but... I can't just sit here, my children are out there somewhere! I guess I need to go
check on Sofis... maybe he'll help me.
Luna sneaks out the window, and drives off on her motorcycle. Meanwhile, Mith, hearing the motorcycle,
starts crying even harder. He finally regains his composure, after going through 13 different Ninja
breathing exercises, and closes his eyes to think. His expression suddenly becomes angry.
Mith: What am I doing? I have to go find the kids... even... even if they aren't mine, I still love them, and I
need to do this for my wife. I'll worry about Sof... the other stuff... when I save... our... kids.
Mith writes a note to Luna, apologizing for his behavior, and explaining that he has set out on his own to
find the twins. He sets it on the table, and, almost calmly, leaves to find the one person that might know
where Luna's sister could be.
Scene: As no one seems to want to pick up the phone, Nate decides to give up this whole kidnapping
business and goes off to find the kids(or kid) and shoot them...
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Streets of Salem. DPW is heading back to his place outside town, when he hears a motorcycle.
He stops and watches as Luna Capone approaches. DPW eyes her carefully as she does. She stops to talk
Luna: Where's Sofis? I know you waited after everyone else left.
DPW: I took him to St. Amy's. I thought he ought to have someone look at that wound. He probably had
the sense not to use his real name, but if anyone can find him, it'd be you.
Luna: Thank you.
She pauses, as if about to say something more, then rides off. DPW stares after her, then gets back in his
Scene: Nate's secret hideout. Nate is on the phone, from the other end we hear...
Care: Care's Floral Shop. We're closed right now, but we'll be open at 9 am sharp for Valentine's day. We
have a special on thornless roses...
Nate looks over to LET.
Nate(quietly): You can't have a rose without a few thorns. (Louder) Wrong number.
He dials another number and gets another message.
Mith: We're busy right now. If it‟s important, leave a message. If its not, call back next week. And if it‟s
about the kids, don't worry. I'll be seeing you soon...
Nate's face goes pale as he hangs up the phone...
Scene: Shado-Kei, having already obtained the location of Nate and LET's hide out, sneaks in through a
window. He glances at his watch... 3:37am... and looks around the dark room. He doesn't hear anything;
everything appears to be still. He opens the door and creeps down the hall. He suddenly spins around as he
hears a baby cry behind him. He heads in that direction, and finds himself at a door. He opens it quietly,
and his eyes go wide. LET and Nate are asleep, with a cradle next to them... but there is a dark figure by
the cradle. The figure seems to be kidnapped his already kidnapped child! Seeing no other choice, he flips
on the light.
Mith: Nobody move, I have no problem shooting you all.
The mysterious figure freezes, and LET and Nate suddenly sit up, Nate begins to reach for a gun, but stops
as he sees the gun pointed at him.
Nate: Wha... how did you fi... who are you???
The mysterious figure slowly puts down Sofia. He then suddenly leaps out the window he entered in,
marrowly escaping Mith's shot... Mith looks at the window briefly, and then turns his attention to Nate and
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Mith is about to speak when he is knocked unconscious from behind by IS. Duff is standing next to him.
IS: I warned you he'd find you.
LET: Bah! He doesn't worry me. But who tried to re-kidnap my dear child?
IS: What are you worrying about that brat for? Her father is much more of a concern.
Mith starts to stir.
LET: I'll leave something to keep him distracted.
(Great thing about secret hideouts: they get to have all kinds of cool traps) A net flies out from behind a
painting entrapping Duff and IS. LET scoops up Sofia and escapes with Nate. Mith stands up rubbing his
head where IS clubbed him. He looks around, finding no trace of his daughter, and instead turns to look at
the trapped mafia hunter and his woman...
Scene: St. Amy's hospital, reception. Luna has arrived looking for Sofis.
Luna: Excuse me. A man was admitted here earlier this evening; his arm was hurt. Do you suppose I could
Nurse: Visiting hours are long over, dear. Come back tomorrow.
Luna: But, um, he's my brother.
The nurse skeptically indicates Luna's jet black hair.
Nurse: With hair like that?
Luna(embarrassed): This is dyed.
The nurse appears satisfied and gives Luna a room number. She goes upstairs, finds his room, and sits
down without waking him.
Luna: Oh, Sofis.
She sobs quietly for a while before falling asleep in a chair. Later, Sofis wakes up, looks over at her and
falls back asleep with a faint smile on his face.
Scene: As soon as Nate and LET are safely at their second secret hideaway (having about 8, 9 if you count
the... but you don't) Nate cackles gleefully. Heehoohahaha!
LET: Oh, just shut up you dumbskull! Don't you realize that someone we trust had to have told Mith where
we were? Instead of laughing you should start thinking about who it might be.
Nate: I wasn't laughing. I was cackling. There's a big difference, mostly in pitch and length. You see, a
laugh can be anything from a...
LET: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!!!
Nate: Hey! What is this?!? What gives you the right to order me around?!? I'm the man around here. I wear
the pants... ok, so we both wear pants. But I earn the... ok, so neither one of us has a present occupation.
But it was my idea to... ok, it was yours. But I was the inside... ok, that was you. But I kidnapped the...
ALRIGHT, FINE! You did that, too. Are you happy now? (grumbles) Women. So, I guess you do have the
right to order me around. What do you think we should do?
LET: Let's see...
Scene: Mith gets up and shakes his head. He turns to see IS and Duff.
IS: Yes, me. Bah. I didn't want you doing anything stupid, I had things under control.
Mith: Don't toy with me IS, that's my daughter they have!
IS: Yes. Maybe if you hadn't gotten me locked up, you wouldn't even be in this mess. Let me run things, I
have everything under control, even after you messed them up.
Duff: You two... what?
IS: Don't worry about it, baby. Now, Mith, I've got James tailing them. I guess since my cover is blown,
you can save your kid now.
Mith: Do you know what happened to James? My son, I mean. Someone else was here. I have one guess
who it is, and it worries me that I can't think of anyone else.
IS: Don't worry about that right now. Find your daughter. Oh, let me out of this net, lab boy.
Scene: Sofis's hospital room, the next morning. Sofis's eyes flicker opens. He yawns, and starts to sit up,
before catching sight of Luna still curled up in the chair by his bed.
Sofis: Hey, you.
She walks over and sits on his bed.
Luna: How are you feeling?
Sofis: Not too bad. It kinda hurts, but... I'll live.
Luna: I'm so sorry, Sofis.
Luna: Listen, do you think you'll be well enough to discharge yourself today? I don't think it's a good idea
for any of us to stay anywhere too long, right now.
Scene: Several hours later. Sofis and Luna are walking through the lobby of Nate's hotel.
Luna: You're sure we'll be safe here?
Sofis: I can't imagine they'll be looking for us here. Besides, do you have any better ideas?
She shakes her head.
Sofis: Come on, let's see what the rooms are like.
He reaches for her hand as they walk upstairs (the lift has, mysteriously, stopped between two floors).
When they arrive at their room, Luna unlocks the door and walks inside.
Luna(suddenly feeling rather shy): So we're... we're staying here tonight?
Sofis: Yeah... if... if that's alright, I mean...
And as he puts his arms round her, the camera, of course, drifts tactfully away.
Two hours later. The camera cuts back to Sofis and Luna in bed. They're in eachothers arms, and Luna is
playing with Sofis's hair. She sighs.
Luna: We may be staying here tonight, but we can't stay forever.
Sofis: True. So where do we go from here?
Luna slips out of Sofis's arms and sits on the side of the bed.
Luna: I don't know yet, but I'm going take a shower and think about it.
Sofis: Want any company?
Luna turns her neck and arches an eyebrow at Sofis.
Luna: Are you using a different definition of the word 'think'?
Sofis answers that with a grin and Luna goes off to take a shower.
Roses are red,
So is "Sofis".
Obviously that was enough for Luna
To break that heart of Mith's.
Which is also red.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Sofis and Luna's room at the hotel. Luna is just emerging from her shower.
Luna: We can stay at Aaron's place. He hasn't been seen in quite a while. I need to talk to Gomez to see
about having some things sent up there. I'll meet you at the corner of 8th and East in an hour.
She gives him a quick kiss, then leaves.
Scene: Outside the hotel. DPW is just out for a drive in his Bentley when he happens to see Luna leaving
the Hotel Nate. He stops at a light and sees Sofis walk out a moment later and walk in the opposite
direction. DPW runs the light and goes around to block to meet Sofis as he turns a corner.
DPW: I do you a favor, and this is how you repay me?
Sofis: I would have been fine without your help.
DPW: Probably. Still, if I had known you were going to paint a bullseye on your chest the size of
Puzzlania, I wouldn't have bothered. But that's not what I was talking about. How do you think she found
you? And if Mith finds out I helped you two get together, I expect he won't be too happy with me. I suggest
you disappear for a while.
Sofis: We've got some place we can hide out.
DPW: I'm not getting through to you. You + Luna Capone + Mith Capone = bad news.
Sofis: I know you're just trying to help, but without Luna... I feel empty.
DPW: Fine. Where are you going to be staying?
Sofis looks at him suspiciously.
DPW: I'm offering to help. You're going to need it.
Sofis: I'm not sure. I'm supposed to meet her in an hour.
Scene: The Hospital. Gomez, finally well enough to move around, leaves. He's checking out, when he spots
Omega, sneaking around somewhat suspiciously. He goes over to him to see what he is up to.
Gomez: What are you doing here?
Omega: Gomez! You scared me! Oh... I'm, er... checking on something for Mith.
Gomez: Oh... ok... well, I was just leaving... do you need any help?
Omega: No... but... actually there is something you can do while you are here... I was at the other hospital
earlier... I thought they might have... what I am looking for. But, I saw someone while I was there. Mrs.
Capone. I'm curious why she would be there. Could you check, make sure nothing happened to Mith?
Scene: Pika, struggling in Omega's lab. He ends up tipping his chair over sideways, and is now on the
Pika: Argh! There's got to be some way to get out of this before that weirdo gets back.
Scene: Happy, after leaving the Capone house, sees Luna leaving out a window, and later Mith leaving.
After they are gone for a day, he begins to wonder what happened, and so he sneaks in through the window
and has a look around. He sees the blood still on the bed, and then look through the rest of the house. He
finally finds Mith's note to Luna...
Scene: Luna waits for Sofis at 8th and East. Unfortunately for her, IS walks up.
IS: Hey there Lunababy, what are you doing out here?
Luna: Bah, not now IS, what are *you* doing here?
IS: Oh, I was just walking home after... well well, what do we have here?
Sofis walks into view.
Sofis: Hi Luna. IS...
Scene: Aaron's home. The door opens, and in walks a mysterious figure with white powder all over his
Aaron: So good to be home...
Scene: Nate and LET's new hideout. James is outside, looking in. After looking around for a few minutes,
he calls Mith on his cell phone, and tells Mith where he is. He goes back to looking in, when he is hit on the
head by the handle of a sword...
Scene: Care, waiting to meet her secret love interest. And waiting. And waiting.
Care(quietly): Where is he? Bah. He's 30 minutes late.
A Voice behind her: Mind if I ask who?
Care is startled, and turns around to see Eykir, looking depressed.
Care: Do I know you?
Eykir: Probably not. But, you look lonely, and I am lonely. I was wondering if you would like some
Care: Well, sure, I guess. My name's Care.
Eykir: Eykir. Nice to meet you, Care.
Care: Oh, Eykir, what a lovely name, how does one get such an interesting name?
Scene: Matt, somewhat discouraged by his recent troubles at monkey hunting, is walking down a street,
swinging his practice sword around, when The Dude appears in front of him.
The Dude: You are Matt, the monkey hunter? I hear you have a crystal. I want it. Now.
The Dude pulls out a sword, and waits for Matt's response.
Scene: Handsome Dan the Chimney Sweep comes to in a dark cell. He is surrounded by someone's
calculus notes and a nine page research paper with the letter D on top of it. He walks up to the bars that
make up one side of his cell and calls out
Ninja Chuck comes out of the shadows.
Chuck: Keep quiet or I'll knock you out for another two weeks.
Dan: You don't scare me! Hey, what did you do with my chimney sweeper?!
Chuck: You mean this?
Chuck pulls Dan's chimney sweeper out of a dark corner and thrusts it through the bars of the cell. Dan
takes the hit square in the chest and flies to the back of this cell. Chuck walks off, laughing. Dan gets up
rubbing his head.
Dan: Stupid Chuck and his sweeper thievery.
Dan gets up and sees that he hit the wall a lot harder than he thought. A few of the bricks have fallen out of
the wall and are lying on the ground. Dan suddenly realizes that they aren't part of the wall at all!
Someone sealed up a chimney here! Dan feverishly works to clear the rest of the chimney out before his
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Luna, Sofis, and IS at the corner of 8th and East. DPW is walking towards Sofis and Luna when he
sees IS talking with them. He drops into a convenient shop and dials a number on his phone. Luna's phone
rings, and she leaves Sofis and IS chatting as she moves a few feet away.
DPW: Luna, its DPW.
Luna: How did you get this number?
DPW: Sofis gave it to me. I think you should know, IS is working with Nate.
Luna: That was a ruse. He's working for us.
DPW: He's working for you? Or he's working for Mith?
Luna says nothing, but looks at IS.
Scene: The Master's hideout. The Master is looking over what appears to be a guest register from a hotel.
The Master: Aha! They may have fooled the simple-minded, erm, fools at the hotel, but did they think
they could hide this from The Master? How to best take advantage? Yes. Perfect.
He dials a phone number.
Mith: This is Mith.
The Master: It may interest you to know that a Mr. and Mrs. Luke and Sophie Capon had a room together
at the Hotel Edward.
Mith: Who are you? How did you get this number?
There is a click as the other side of the line goes dead. The Master cackles evilly.
Scene: Aaron's house. He's just finishing listening to the answering machine message from Courk telling
him about his niece and nephew. He calls Courk.
Aaron: Come on, pick up the phone... I got your message. Do you mind if I offer my help to the Capones, I
know your reputation with Mith and all... Oh, you did? Did he seem to mind? ...Sofis was there too??? I bet
that didn't work out well... Mith SHOT him?? I'm gonna call there now... No, no, you don't need to come
yet, get some sleep, you sound half-dead already... Love ya, bye.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: 8th and East. Luna is still on the phone with DPW.
DPW: Call this number back if you want me to take care of IS for a while.
She hangs up the phone, puts it in her pocket, and returns to where IS and Sofis are still talking.
IS: Who was that?
Luna: Gomez. He wanted to tell me he got a bottle of very good vodka.
IS: Still drinking the hard stuff, eh? Have you seen Mith lately?
Luna: Not since this morning. Have you tried calling him?
IS: How about you, Sofis?
As Sofis starts to answer, Luna reaches into her pocket and hits the callback button on her phone. Around
the corner, DPW's phone starts to ring. Rather than answer it, he walks back onto the sidewalk and
DPW: Hey, isn't that the mafia scum IS?
Random Person: Where? Vote: IS!
IS's head spins around to try to find out who's accusing him, but the approaching mob forces him to flee.
DPW then rushes up to where Sofis and Luna are standing on the now almost empty street.
DPW: Sometimes, the old tricks are still the best. He'll lose them quickly, then Mith will know about you
two. Time to disappear.
Luna: We were planning on hiding out at Aaron's old place on the North side of town.
DPW: Get there and lay low for a bit.
Luna: Why don't you come with us?
DPW: I've already crossed your husband as far as I'm willing to go for one day.
Luna pulls out a gun.
Luna: I insist. I don't quite trust you yet.
DPW(resigned): Shall I drive?
They get into DPW's car and head off.
Scene: Omega's Lab. Pika is lying on the floor still tied to the chair.
Pika: Perhaps I can force enough psychic energy through his chip to short it out.
His face takes on a look of extreme concentration and before long a loud "Pop!" is heard. He grins and
Scene: Outside Aaron's. Pika appears on a hill and watches as DPW, Luna and Sofis arrive.
Pika: Excellent! My plan has worked perfectly! (Shameless plot explanation) Sofis thought he was
accepting a deal from Don Dethano, but it was actually I, using my psychic powers to disguise myself as
Dethwing, who made the offer to Sofis in Gomez's bar. The first part of the command placed inside the
cherry has worked perfectly. Now to activate the remainder.
Below, Luna has picked the lock to Aaron's front door. Aaron has stepped out for a bit, but Sofis notices
signs that someone has been in the house recently.
Sofis: Someone's been here. Look at thi-urgh.
Luna: Sofis! (To DPW) You stay here.
He faints as Pika's command takes effect. Luna catches him and takes him into the next room, where a
conveniently placed bed awaits; she closes the door and lies him on the bed while DPW complains about
no good deed going unpunished outside. Sofis comes to, embraces Luna, and gives her a long kiss, before
spinning away pointing her own gun at her.
Sofis: Sorry, doll. This is just something I gotta do.
Luna just stands there, too shocked to even move.
Cut to Pika, laughing evilly.
Suddenly, completely unexpectedly and out of the blue, Pika is struck by lightning, which, although it does
not do him any permanent damage, renders him unconscious and destroys any kind of link he may have had
Cut back to Luna and Sofis. Sofis comes to, looks down at the gun he's holding, screams and drops it before
running across to Luna and wrapping his arms around her.
Luna: Sweetheart... what... what...?
At that moment, DPW, having heard a scream, rushes into the room and draws his sword. Sheesh.
Scene: Mith arrives at the location James told him about. It's an abandoned warehouse, and appears
deathly quiet. He sneaks up, and is about to try a window, when he sees a body. He walks over to it and
recognizes James, apparently unconscious.
Mith: Great. I guess I'm on my own again.
Mith quietly enters. He stops, as he sees LET, gun in hand, sitting by Nate, who is bleeding. Mith silently
pulls out his gun.
Mith: Don't move.
LET stops what she was doing and slowly turns her head.
Mith: Drop the gun.
LET drops the gun.
Mith: Alright, stand up. What happened to him?
LET stands up and looks at him.
LET: That ninja guy tried to take Sofia... he already has James, you know. Nate grabbed for a gun and got
his ear whacked off. I got to mine and I think I hit his arm... he ran off... I guess this is it, eh? You gonna
Mith: You know I would love to. I don't know how my wife would feel about it. What did you say about
James? Someone else has him?
Mith: Great... look, I can't very well shoot you. Help me. You help me get James back, I don't kill you
later. Obviously, I don't trust you, but I'm sure we can make some arrangements.
Nate suddenly grabs for LET's gun, and Mith sees him and changes his aim. Nate gets off a shot that hits
Mith's leg, and Mith drops his gun in pain. LET grabs the gun, shoots Nate in the head, and then points it
back at Mith.
LET: Oh well, he was becoming annoying anyway. It looks as if the tables have turned, Mr. Capone. I
don't want to kill you, though. Perhaps with some encouragement you will decide it in your best interests to
help me. I have grown quite fond of your daughter. I don't want to give her up. But, I know you won't
either. I suggest that we work together to find James, and then you can decide for yourself whether or not
you want to walk triumphantly back to your sweet, devoted, faithful wife.
LET smirks and raises an eyebrow at him.
LET: Now, get your leg fixed up, there's some first aid over in that box over there. Then, I will let you see
your daughter. I think this will turn out for the best. If nothing else, you are kinda cute.
LET winks at him, and Mith grimaces.
Scene: Death's place of business. Nate arrives with a *pop*.
Death: I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
Death: WELL. I MEAN. I JUST SAY THAT. PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO.
Nate: And if people expected you to jump off a bridge, would you? Forget it. Why am I here?
Death: BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD.
Nate: Yeah, yeah, I know. But I can't die yet. I learned from Faust. Sold my soul to the devil for something
that will never happen. I'm pretty close to immoral. I mean immortal. Both actually. So, anyways, I'm out
of here. See you around.
Death: YOU MAY NOT LEAVE.
Mephistopheles suddenly appears.
Mephistopheles: Let him go, bonehead. He will be mine. Just wait and see.
Nate: Sure, whatever, just point me the way out.
Death points to a big, neon, blinking sign that reads 'EXIT'.
Nate: Umm, yeah, thanks.
He goes off on his way.
Death(to Mephistopheles): WHY DO YOU DO THAT? WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE THINGS ALONE?
DEATH WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE WITHOUT THE LIKES OF YOU.
Scene: Matt draws his sword and prepares to fight The Dude to protect the crystal...
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The bedroom in Aaron's house. DPW, having heard Sofis' scream, has just burst into the room to
find Luna comforting Sofis. Luna shoots him a dirty look, and he backs out embarrassedly, closing the
door. A moment later he returns, earning an even colder stare.
Luna: Do you mind leaving us alone for a bit?
DPW: Someone's coming.
Luna: Sweetie, will you be alright for a moment?
Luna: Alright, show me.
The two of them go to a window where they see Aaron returning from a trip into town.
Scene: An alley where Matt and The Dude are about to fight. With one swing of The Dude's sword, Matt's
wooden sword is shattered. A second thrust sends Matt to the ground, bleeding profusely. The Dude grabs
the crystal as it tumbles out of Matt's pocket, bows mockingly and runs off.
Drawn by the weak shout, Courk peers into the alley and sees the spreading pool of blood. She rushes to
aid the fallen form when she recognizes her monkey hunting partner.
Matt: Courk? Is that you?
Courk: I have to call for help. I'll be right back.
She runs around the corner and grabs a passerby, whom she convinces to call for an ambulance. She then
returns to Matt.
Courk: Don't speak, Matt. You'll be OK.
Matt: I had the crystal, Courk. That's why he...
Courk: Who did this to you?
Matt: It was...
He loses consciousness before he can reveal his attacker.
Scene: LET's warehouse hideout. Mith has finished tending to his wound, and is holding his daughter. LET
is pacing, still holding the gun.
LET: You seemed like you recognized the ninja guy... back before, at our other hideout.
Mith: Well... I'm not sure... I have an idea though. There is only one ninja I can think of that is evil enough
to be kidnapping kidnapped babies. Chuck.
LET: Oh my... I remember reading about him once... he designed games... one day he designed one, and
decided to play test it on some little kids... he went insane... no one knows what happened. He started
scaring the kids, then ran out. The kids were later found kicking each other and acting like a bunch of
monkeys. I can't believe he is still around.
Mith: Yeah... neither can I... I had heard that once he became a ninja, he went off to the mountains to train
students. I hadn't heard he came back. For that matter, I haven't heard of any of his students being caught,
either. So, he has my son?
Evil grin from LET.
LET: Yes, he has... your... son. But why would he want your son, anyway?
Mith: He is a... rival. But I don't think that alone would make him do it. Someone probably hired him.
LET: Well, I'm sure we'll find a lead eventually... in the mean time...
Suggestive glance from LET... LET walks over to Mith.
LET: Hmm... I bet we could have alot of fun together, cutie...
Mith: Yeah, right. I'm not interested.
LET: Ah, faithful to your wife, eh? If only everyone was so faithful...
Just then, Nate comes back to life, still lying on the floor. He quietly slides over to a box, where his spare
gun is kept. He gets up slowly, still a bit slow from his death experience, leans against the wall, and aims at
Mith: Look out!
LET: You don't think I'm gonna fall for that, do you? You may be cute, but you aren't too bright
Mith sets Sofia in her crib and leaps up, catching LET a bit by surprise. She moves to the side, and aims at
Mith, just as Nate shoots, hitting her arm. She falls to the ground in pain, Mith grabs the gun and shoots
LET: But... how...
Mith: Shh... let me look at your arm.
Mith, temporarily forgetting his captive situation, begins to tend to LET's wound. He lays the gun down to
get a bandage, and when he returns, it is pointed at him.
LET: Thanks for being so thoughtful, sweetie. Nice to know you do care about me a little bit. Too bad for
you that I'm not quite so trusting... though I'm sure we could work on that, baby...
Mith grimaces yet again.
Scene: Back at Death's Place.
Death: BACK SO SOON, NATE?
Nate grabs an Uzi, Death's scythe and a rusty can, leaps back into the real world and butchers everybody.
Nate grins evilly with blood dripping from his chin.
Nate: That's what you get for daring to anger the great and mighty, all powerful, seriously deranged Nate
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The afterlife.
Death: BACK SO SOON, NATE?
Nate: What? Didn't I just escape you and go on a murderous rampage?
Death: NO. NO ONE READ THAT, SO SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO WRITE THIS SCENE. DPW IS
TAKING CARE OF IT
DPW walks in and whispers to Death, then walks back out.
Death: ER, THAT IS, YOU SUFFERED A FATAL HEART ATTACK BEFORE YOU COULD KILL
Nate: Oh, well. I suppose that makes sense then. So, I get another game, then?
Death: WHY? YOU GL'ERS ALWAYS BEAT ME. JUST GO. BUT WAIT UNTIL MITH AND LET LEAVE
BEFORE YOU GET UP AGAIN.
Nate returns to the world of the living.
Death: THAT GUY ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME. AND I SHOULD KNOW... I'VE BEEN THERE.
Scene: The warehouse. Mith is holding Sofia again, limping around a bit.
LET: Alright, my arm is fixed up, let's get out of here. I don't feel right about staying here.
Mith: Yeah, ok... but where will we go?
LET: Well, I'm out of secret hideouts... maybe a hotel room?
Mith grimaces. LET winks at him.
LET: Well, you don't have much choice, and I can't think of anything better. Let's go.
LET and Mith exit. Nate wakes up, and gets up slowly. Then, after he is up and not having to do anything
physically, he begins plotting his revenge.
***Luna’s Evil Twin***
Scene: oh look, we're back at that same hotel again... LET and Mith are sitting in the bar. Mith is sipping
iced water, slowly; LET is drinking tequila, and is clearly not exactly sober.
LET: So, baby... you sure you wanted separate rooms?
She giggles, and gives him a suggestive look. Mith grimaces, again.
Mith: Would you stop that?
LET: Stop what, baby?
She rests her hand on his knee; Mith pushes it away.
Mith: I am married, you know. To your sister.
LET: Ah yes, my sister. (sarcastically) Such a nice girl. So faithful. Treats you so well.
Mith: Please don't talk about my wife like that. I'm sure wherever she is, she has a reasonable explanation...
At that moment, one of the barmaids comes across to pick up their empty glasses.
Barmaid(to LET): Oh, hi Luna! Nice to see you back so soon...
LET(confused): Do I know you? And why are you calling me...
Barmaid: We were talking just last night... don't you remember? You were with that boy with the
She smiles, picks up the glasses and leaves. LET looks round at Mith and smirks.
LET: That your idea of a reasonable explanation, babe?
She shakes her head.
LET: And to think she's supposed to be the nice one... Come on, babe. You look like you need a drink.
Let's go upstairs and call room service.
Mith is quite pale.
Mith: Um... yeah... drink... nice...
LET: Come on cutie, I'll take care of you.
LET takes his hand, grins evilly, and leads a shaking Mith upstairs.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Hotel. Strangely, the elevator appears to be working again.
Scene: Aaron's house. Aaron is carrying in a bag of groceries(A box of Frosted Flakes is plainly visible).
He opens the door and walks in, only to have DPW slam it behind him. Luna is pointing a gun at him.
Aaron: Mrs. Capone?
Luna's eyes soften for a moment, then harden again.
Luna: Just Luna for now. Mith and I have had a falling out.
Aaron catches a glimpse of Sofis' curly hair in the next room.
DPW: I thought you were in prison for Frost running.
Aaron: The Puzzlanian justice system is weird. Two of three prisoners would be set free and the
third one executed. The warden said prisoner B would go free, so I figured I had a 67% chance of not being
executed. But I've gone straight.
Luna: We need a place to stay. Someplace Mith won't find out about.
Aaron: You can stay here for a couple days, but being in the same building as Luna Capone and another
man when Mith finds out is not the way to lead a long happy life.
DPW: Tell me about it...
Scene: Streets of Salem. Nate walks down the street minding his own business. And the business of all the
young women who stray too close to him(Hey, they rammed their backsides aggressively into his hands,
alright!). When suddenly, passing a dark alley conveniently placed there by the film crew, he pauses, turns
sloooowwwwwlllyy to face the camera aimed out of the alley.
Nate(incredulously): You??? Oh no. Please, listen to reason. It wasn't me. Well, it was... but... uhh... oh
He turns to run and is hit in the head with a two-by-four. He blacks out immediately, sadly not being able
to say something very witty that would fit the situation perfectly. When it rains, it pours.
Scene: Mith and LET, in the elevator. Mith is leaning against one of the walls of the elevator with his eyes
closed. He's still quite pale. LET is smiling, but there is a touch of concern in her eyes. She tries to hug him,
and he is too busy moping to stop her. Suddenly the elevator comes to a halt. Dang Elevator. Mith doesn't
seem to notice. There's a huge grin on LET's face. She slides around in front of him and moves her lips
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Just as LET is about to plant one on Mith, he turns away, escapes her grasp and starts pacing. The grin
drops off her face for a moment, but is back quickly. He glances up at the floor indicator on the elevator. A
moment later he looks back and sees it is unchanged. He hits the appropriate button again, harder than is
necessary. He then looks over to LET, who shrugs, still grinning. Mith stops pacing and leans against the
back wall of the elevator. LET, seeing another chance, again moves close to him...
Scene: At the Local Restaurant. Care and Eykir are sitting in a booth in the back of the room, waiting for
dinner. They are chatting pleasantly.
Eykir: Are you trying to tell me that you SERIOUSLY used to hot wire cars and go joy-riding?
Care: Not quite in that sense, believe me. But we used to joke about it. Nothing serious. Really.
Eykir: Oh, I believe you. It‟s just an unimaginable idea, you know?
Care(laughing): I know. So, anyways, how about you? Why were you out there?
Eykir: Well, its a long story. Maybe we should go somewhere more private, if you know what I mean...
Care: Of course.
The two get up and walk out of the restaurant.
Scene: The Streets of Salem. A while after his attack, Nate is walking around, mumbling to himself. The
bruise on his head is starting to cause dots of light, but Nate is ignoring that, for the time being. He thinks
that he has finally decided how to avenge himself, but he has decided that more planning is very helpful. As
he nears the docks, he sees two figures talking in low tones. He walks over to investigate, realizing that it
just might be useful to him.
Eykir: Well, you wanted to know my story? Here it is ...
In today's paper there appears a short article stating:
”If one of the Capone's, or anyone who has the money, would like to learn the location of the infamous
Nate Dogg, please send a letter to PO Box XXXX stating both who you are and what your maximum offer
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The elevator entrance an indeterminate time later. Mith exits with LET more or less hanging on
him. The bottle of champagne they brought up with them rolls out of the elevator, empty. They stumble
down the hall, and enter a room. As the door closes behind them, the camera shows that they entered the
same room previously shared by Luna and Sofis.
Scene: Mith and LET stumble in, and Mith sits down. LET smiles and sits next to him, wrapping her arms
Mith: Would you order some vodka? I want to get drunk now.
LET: Sure baby...
LET walks over to a phone and orders some drinks. She then walks back over to him.
LET: I'm sorry about everything that... well... you know... how 'bout we just have a little fun for a while
and take your mind off it?
LET gives him her best sweet/seductive look, and kisses his cheek. Mith looks a bit confused(and drunk, of
course). He turns toward her, and she moves closer to kiss him. Just as they are about to kiss, he sees
something out of the corner of his eye…
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Hospital. The ambulance carrying Matt arrives, and the paramedics wheel his stretcher into
the Emergency room. Courk follows them.
Courk: Will he be alright?
Paramedic: Probably, he's lost a lot of blood, but I don't think any organs were hurt. What happened to
him? It looked like someone chopped him up pretty good with a sword.
Courk: A sword? I only know of one person in this town who uses a sword. If he regains consciousness,
can you have them call this number?
She gives the paramedic her number, and he nods. Courk then heads off in search of Salem's most
unemployed former pirate.
Scene: Courk runs out of the hospital screaming about getting DPW. She gets weird stares from people,
then stops. She wonders why she wants to get DPW, and walks around town looking for The Dude.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The hill outside Aaron's place. Pika is just recovering consciousness.
Pika: Ugh. What happened? Has my plan worked?
His gaze becomes distant for a moment.
Pika: No? And I can't re-establish control! Well, there's more than one way to neutralize a Capone. Let's
see. Time frame...Target...Drat! It's still too early. But they don't know that, do they?
He teleports away.
Scene: Interior, Aaron's place. Sofis is feeling better and he, Luna, Aaron, and DPW are sitting around the
table catching Aaron up on recent events in Salem, when Pika appears in the doorway. Luna goes for her
gun and DPW draws his sword, but a blast of psychic energy from Pika sends both weapons flying.
Sofis: Who are you? Wait...We've met. But I've never seen you before.
Pika: I was the one controlling you. But a blast of lightning from a cloudless sky destroyed that. So, I took
the liberty of looking into your‟s and Luna's future. About 9 months from now to be precise. Would you
like to know what I saw?
Sofis's head spins to look at Luna who is dumbfounded.
Pika: I doubt you'll be able to hide this from mith for long, but if you'd like to try, you can help me find the
crystal. Otherwise, I'm sure he'd be happy to learn about my findings, along with your location.
Scene: Somewhere on the streets of Salem, not too far from the hospital. Courk dials a number.
Courk: Hi Aaron, I'm not gonna come over today, Matt was attacked... The doctors said he'll be OK, but
he's still unconscious... What kind of problems do you have there? Luna and Sofis? *chuckle* Is Sofis
trying to get Mith to kill him? He already tried once... Pika's there?... WHO?! DPW?! Don't let him go
Courk starts running to Aaron's house.
Scene: Aaron's house. Pika and Luna are still discussing a possible "alliance". *cough ahem blackmail
ahem cough* Courk bursts in.
She points at DPW. He stands up.
DPW: What'd I do?!
Courk: Don't play dumb!
She leaps at DPW.
Aaron: Woah! Settle down!
Everyone clears away from the fighters.
Courk(while kicking him): You... Attacked... Matt...
DPW: No I didn't!
He tries to defend self and knocks Courk phone out of her pocket. DPW is obviously on the losing end of
this fight with the ninja master.RIIIIING. Aaron picks up Courk‟s ringing phone.
Aaron: Hello?...It wasn't?
Courk is about to administer the flying monkey.
Aaron: COURK! It wasn't DPW! Stop this now!
Courk(out of breath): Is that Matt? Give it here! ... Matt? Yeah, hi. So who was it if it wasn't DPW? Oh!
Alright, I'll stop by later, hopefully with the crystal. Bye.
She hangs up.
Courk: Alright... sorry about the mess in here, Aaron. I'm off now. See ya all later... And sorry, DPW.
Pika(to self): crystal?
Courk leaves, in search of The Dude.DPW drags himself off the floor, and the others help him up. As he
grabs for the table to prop himself up on, he knocks one of Aaron's bags over, spilling white powder
Pika: What's that?
Aaron: Er... it's... candy?
Pika: Oh? Can I have some?
Aaron grins evilly. Luna gives him a nasty look, but says nothing, hoping to get Pika out of the way...
Scene: Mith and LET are about to kiss, when he spots something on the floor, under the bed. He leaps up,
causing LET to fall flat on her face on the couch. Mith kneels and picks up... a torn picture. Tears
immediately form in his eyes. The picture is of Luna, Mith, and the babies, taken a few weeks ago, on Luna
and Mith's 3-year anniversary. It is ripped in half, down the center. LET gets up, mad, and walks over,
prepared to slap him, when she realizes he is crying.
LET: What is that?
Mith: It's... our...
LET puts her arm around him and holds him.
LET: It's ok, darling. It's ok. I'm here for you. I won't let her hurt you anymore.
Mith rests his head on her shoulder, crying, and we see a single tear leak out of LET's eye. Perhaps she has
a heart after all.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The exterior of the Capone's. Happy exits the Capones' household, relieved that mith was too
distraught to do anything more than chase him out. He returns to his home and calls up the recent images
from the webcam he had placed. He speeds through Luna and Sofis exiting to the bedroom, watches mith
shoot Sofis at normal speed, then sees his own glorious entrance, at which point he presses the erase
button. Several times. He switches over to a live view, where he sees Scooby cleaning up the blood, and he
hears her humming to herself as she works.
Happy: Wonderful, now I can listen in on what goes on over there.
Happy: Which will probably be nothing. They were such a happy couple, even if they were mafia scum.
Just then a Happy-alert goes off(A three-eyed frowning face that makes a "Boit!" noise).
Happy: What's this? The Tiger is back in town? And he's still pushing Frost? I have to stop him!
Scene: Close-up of Luna‟s face; she‟s pale and shaking slightly. She turns to the equally stunned Sofis and
clings to his hand.
Luna(whispering): Nine months. Sofis, he‟s... he‟s making it up or something... isn‟t he?
It‟s perfectly obvious that neither Luna nor Sofis believe this for a second. Luna lets go of Sofis‟s hand and
pours herself a glass of vodka from the bottle which so frequently seems to appear when she‟s around. She
picks it up, raises it to her mouth, pauses, thinks, and puts it back down. And then she bursts into tears.
Sofis reaches out and embraces Luna. Aaron and Westley discretely leave the room, pausing only to take
Pika with them, who is busy snarfing down sugary frosting.
Luna: I... (sob) I didn't think this would happen...
He gently strokes her hair.
Sofis: It's okay... I'm sure things will turn out all right.
Sofis does not answer. He just strokes her back with a faraway expression on his face.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Aaron's place. DPW and Aaron, with Pika, have just left the room where Luna and Sofis are coming
to terms with Pika's "news." DPW looks at Pika and speaks...
DPW: You might want to be careful with that stuff. I'm not sure what's in it, but it got Aaron sent away for
a long time.
Pika looks over at DPW, then decides to lay off the frosting for a while. Aaron gives DPW a dirty look.
Aaron: Were you telling the truth about them?
Pika: Maybe. I don't really feel like sharing right now. Ugh. What was in that stuff?
Aaron(innocently): Nothing, why? Maybe some more will make you feel better.
Pika: I think I'd better pass right now. Why don't I take a look in on...? Huh? This shouldn't be that hard?
He's just in town somewhere.
Pika focuses more intently on his target and a quick image of Mith flashes.
Pika: This is your fault!
Aaron shrugs. Pika again struggles to see what is going on elsewhere. He begins chuckling.
DPW: What's so funny?
Pika: Mith. He's with someone.
Pika indicates the next room.
Pika: I'll give you a hint. It‟s her. But it‟s not her.
Aaron looks confused, but DPW immediately figures out who he means. He starts walking across the room
to tell Luna.
DPW: What are you going to do?
He flips up his sword and re-sheathes it.
DPW: That frosting has weakened your powers. And even after the beating I took from Courk, I can still
Pika is speechless. DPW makes his way to the door behind which await Sofis and Luna. He knocks gently.
Luna(from behind door): What is it?
DPW gathers himself up and enters...
Scene: Back at the hospital, Matt is recovering swiftly.
Matt: Modern medicine is a wonderful thing. And I need to help Courk out with that ... revenge. The
Dude won't even know what hit him.
Matt: But I'll need some help.
Matt whips out his phone.
Matt: Care? I just wanted to let you know what happened after you left. It was really bad. I'm in the
hospital. But I know who did it. Seriously. Can you be here in ten minutes? I'll be ready by then.
Matt leans back in the bed, trying to conserve his strength for his plan.
Scene: At the docks.
Care: Eykir, I have to go.
Eykir: But why?
Care: It‟s just ... Matt needs my help...
Eykir: Matt? Who's Matt?
Care: I work with him. Thats all. Eykir...
Eykir: What??? I thought that we might have had something. Obviously, I was wrong. You already had
someone. I was such an idiot!
Care: You don't understand! I'm just his friend. You mean so much more to me...
Eykir: How??? How could you do this??
Care(crying): Eykir... Then come with me. Maybe you can help too. And it will show you that I do care.
Eykir: Is that what you really want?
Eykir: Then I'll come.
The two start walking towards the hospital.
Scene: Club Carlito is completely empty except for one table. Around it sit various members of the Capone
Crime Family, including Gomez, Dethy, and Omega. Even James, with is concussion, is present.
Gomez: So, why are we here? I recieved a note saying the club's facilities would be needed. Anyone want
to take responsibility?
Omega: It wasn't me... though I did find what I was looking for...
James: Wasn't me either. Deth?
Deth: Nope. What were you looking for Omega?
Omega: Mith sent me to find out whether the twins are his or not.
The door swings open, and IS walks in with Duff on his arm. Omega and Gomez reach for their guns, but
are stopped by the others.
IS: It's ok, boys.
Dethy: Yes, it's ok. He's on our side. IS, I take it you were the one that told us to come here?
IS: Yeah... I figured that with Mith and Luna screwing everything up, it was time I reveal myself. Omega,
you have some information?
Omega: Yes... but I told Mith I would only reveal it to him.
IS pulls out a gun.
Omega: On second thought, maybe I can trust you... I checked the blood samples I found at the hospital,
from when the twins were ill recently. They match what we have on record for Mith and Luna. Mith is the
IS: You're sure?
IS: Well, I suppose that is for the best. As you may or may not know, Luna is with Sofis right now. Mith is
out looking for the twins, I haven't heard from him yet. Until they find their children and resolve their
problems, they are essentially useless to this organization. The reason I called this meeting is that I want to
move forward with our plans...
Scene: The Master's underground hideout. Chuck is standing before The Master, a bloody gash on his bare
The Master: You failed? Again? Taking over the world just isn't like it used to be... nothing goes right. Ah
well. So, we only have one twin. Still enough to lure Capone into my trap. That handsome chimney sweep
is still locked away... you did feed him, right?
The Master: Well, go check on him, he's not good to us dead. Now my crystal concerns me... That amature
monkey boy, Matt, he had it... but he's recently been in the hospital... find out what happened to him, and
find my crystal!
Chuck goes off to check on Dan, while The Master pets his spider monkey and schemes. Chuck gets to
Dan's cell, only to find the cell empty. Chuck stares blankly at the cell for a moment before rushing out.
Scene: The rubble that was once The Master's house. Dan lies, exhausted, at the opening of a scorched
fireplace, in the midst of the debris.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The kitchen-y room where Pika first appeared. DPW has just entered the room. Sofis and Luna have
moved a respectable distance apart.
Luna: You seem to be making a habit of interrupting us. What is it this time?
DPW(extremely embarrassed): Sorry. It‟s just that Pika... He said...
Luna: Out with it!
DPW: He said Mith was with your sister.
Luna slaps DPW hard enough to spin him halfway around.
Luna: Lies! Mithy would never do that!
DPW: I suppose you'd never cheat on Mith, either.
Luna raises her arm to slap him again, then slowly lowers it and starts sobbing again. A crash is heard
from the next room. They rush out to find Aaron, holding his chin, and an open door.
Aaron: That's some hook he's got.
Luna: You didn't try to stop him?
Aaron: Three years behind bars has left my fighting form less than perfect. Besides, he's such a little runt
that I didn't think he'd try anything.
Sofis: Did he say anything before he left?
Aaron: Just something like "Hey Frostboy!" I turned around and that's when he let me have it.
DPW helps Aaron up, while Luna and Sofis go back into the other room.
Sofis walks Luna back to the other room. As soon as the door is closed, she starts crying again. Sofis holds
her, silently, not knowing what to say.
Scene: Dan, exhausted from his escape, realizes that he needs to get away from The Master's quickly,
drags himself away from the chimney. He walks, aimlessly, putting distance between himself and his
captors, when a car pulls along beside him.
Elayne: Need a lift?
Dan: Sure... who are you?
Elayne: I'm Elayne. Nice to meet you. Come on, hop in. You look like you've been climbing in a chimney
Dan: Er... just been cleaning and such all day... didn't have a ride home... mind taking me to Club Carlito? I
have some friends there.
Elayne and Dan drive toward the club.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Aaron's. DPW and Aaron are alone after Sofis and Luna have withdrawn again.
DPW: I have to go home for a little bit. I'll be back in about an hour.
Aaron just nods and DPW leaves.
Scene: Downtown. DPW is driving through town when The Dude strays in front of his car. DPW slams on
the brakes and gives The Dude a light bump, knocking him to the ground but not causing any injury. DPW
gets out of the car to help him to his feet.
DPW: Are you alright?
The Dude: I seem to be.
DPW: You should pay more attention. Can I give you a ride somewhere?
The Dude: No, thank you.
The Dude dusts himself off and walks away, dropping the crystal in the back of DPW's car, unbeknownst to
its owner. Pull away to see Courk who was watching this whole exchange, including the drop.
Scene: The hotel room. Mith is still sobbing on LET's shoulder. She gently takes the torn picture away from
him and sets it face down on the dresser. Mith becomes angry for a moment, then just looks sadly at the
picture. LET sits down beside him and takes his hand. He turns his attention back to her. They move closer
once again when a knock comes at the door. The drinks have arrived.
Scene: The restroom at Gomez'. The window still has not been repaired, and Bravo enters through it,
hoping to find something he can use for the newest segment on his show: "Stupid bathroom tricks." He
hears the meeting in the next room. It is clear to him who is running things.
Bravo: IS really IS mafia scum! I gotta get him to come on tonight. Its either that or Mark Hamill again.
And he always goes on about the Ewoks.
He exits back through the window, goes around the building, and picks a place where he can await IS' exit
to offer him a guest spot.
IS and Duff are seen exiting the club.
Duff: I'm glad you've finally revealed your mafia connections. It's no fun keeping it a secret.
IS: Yes, well, the mafia hunter facade was wearing a bit thin.
Bravo is now in sight, looking like he is waiting for someone. He walks up to IS and Duff.
Bravo: Ah, just the people I wanted to see. IS, how would you like appearing on my show?
IS: Sure! But can I ask why?
Bravo: IS the mafia scum coming on my show will do great things for the ratings. Your woman can come
too, if she wants.
Duff gives him a suspicious look, but Bravo takes no notice of it.
Bravo: Great! See you two tomorrow then.
Bravo walks away.
Duff: IS? I've got a bad feeling about this...
Scene: The hotel room. Mith gets up leaving LET alone on the bed. He takes a bottle and two shot glasses
from the hotel employee, closes the door and walks over to the table. LET moves over to join him and he
pours out two glasses of a clear liquid. LET shoots hers, then once again goes after Mith, more determined
than ever. Mith takes one sip of his and immediately starts crying again. LET stops and takes his hand
again with a tired look in her eyes.
Mith: I-I bought Luna a bottle of this to c-celebrate moving into o-our new house.
He once again starts crying into LET's shoulder. She rolls her eyes and starts comforting him again, while
staring at the phone, clearly expecting it to ring any minute.
Scene: Downtown. Courk looks back and forth for a moment between The Dude walking in one direction
and DPW's car speeding off in another, torn between recovering the precious crystal and avenging Matt's
defeat. She finally decides that revenge can wait and that the crystal must be saved first. She stealthily
follows the car with ease, using her ninja skills to remain hidden from the driver.
Scene: DPW's home, exterior. DPW arrives and steps out of his car, only to have a ninja throwing star
come within inches of his nose.
Courk: The crystal! Give it to me! Now!
DPW: What are you talking about? I don't have any crystal!
Courk: I know The Dude handed it off to you for safe keeping! If you won't give it to me, I'll take it from
Courk charges DPW, who draws his sword. Armed and expecting the attack, this fight is much different
from the one at Aaron's. Both are able to score glancing blows, but neither can gain an advantage. DPW is
finally able to throw Courk into the back seat of his car, where she grabs the crystal. Upon seeing her come
up with it, DPW stops cold. Courk resumes a fighting stance but waits for him to make the next move.
DPW: How did that get in there?
Courk: You mean you didn't know it was there?
DPW: That's what I said earlier!
He gets out his phone and dials a number. Courk relaxes slightly.
DPW(on phone): Aaron... It‟s DPW. I feel really bad about this, but I have something important I have to
tell Luna... I know she'll be mad at me if I interrupt her again. I'm willing to risk it... Yes, I know she's Luna
Capone... Thank you... Luna... Courk and I have the crystal... I thought you'd feel that way... Someone
dropped it in my car... Probably planned to come back for it later... Courk saw him do it... What do you
want us to do with it? ...Pika won't be happy about that... Alright, you're the boss. (to Courk) She says for
you to take it and not to let anyone know about it.
Courk starts to leave.
DPW: She also said you were not to go off trying to avenge Matt. She says the safety of the crystal is far
Courk: But! Who does she think she is?
DPW: She's Luna Capone, and she's used to being in control. This must be very hard for her.
Courk: How do you think I feel about Matt?
DPW looks at her for a moment, then gestures for her to follow him. They walk inside and go to a closet.
DPW: Turn away, please.
She gives him a questioning look, but does as he asks. He fiddles with something, and the fake back wall
slides away. Hearing this, she turns back around and gasps with pleasure. She carefully places the crystal
in the secret compartment, then turns around again as DPW replaces the wall. Its goes back into place with
a loud "thunk," and they go back outside.
DPW: Remember, she said not to tell anyone.
Clearly, Luna is a part of anyone. Courk makes a "zip your lip," then grins before racing off to find The
Scene: Back at the hospital, Care and Eykir walk into Matt's room. Eykir hangs back embarresdly as Care
rushes forward to greet Matt.
Care: Matt! You look so much better! I heard it was horrible. I think Courk's on the run looking for him.
But, do you even know who it is? And if I can help, you know I'm ...
Matt: Care... Really, its okay. I'll tell you everything in due time. But right now, I need to get out of here. I
think that the nurses are planning on keeping me here for observation for another night. You know how
sensitive this operation is. We can't afford that.
Matt pauses, noticing Eykir for the first time.
Matt: Who is he? Can he be trusted? Is he useful to us?
Care: Matt, this is Eykir. Eykir, Matt. He's a friend of mine. Close friend.
Matt: Close? Fine then. Is he willing to help?
Eykir: I do have the ability to speak for myself. Care didn't tell me the details. I don't even know if she
knows. But if she is willing to go along with it, then I'm ready to help her in any way I can. That okay with
Care: I had no idea you were willing to do that for me!
Eykir: We can talk later, Care. But I think the most pressing thing is to come up with a plan.
Matt: He's right, Care. I had an idea, but I wasn't sure if I could pull it off. But with Eykir here, it should be
easy. Here's the plan ...
A few minutes later, a doctor and a nurse come out of Matt's room, pushing a bed.
Nurse: Get out of the way!! This patient's critical! We need clearance to transport the patient to St. John's.
The emergency rushes outside where an ambulance is waiting. They jump in and speed off, the doctor
behind the wheel. A few blocks down the road, the ambulance is left. Care, Eykir, and Matt walk away as
the ambulence suddenly blows to pieces.
Care: Who set that?? I thought we agreed not to trash the ambulance!?
Eykir: It wasn't either of us. You would have seen it. I think someone set it for us. Maybe it was the guy
who ambushed Matt. I need to talk to you, Care. It can wait, but I do need to talk to you. Soon.
Care: Then we can talk now. Hey Matt, I'll catch up with you later tonight. Where do you want to talk?
Eykir: It‟s about your mother. I found out something that you should know...
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: A side street in Salem. Matt has obtained a new wooden sword and is dialing a number on his
phone, when The Dude hurls a dagger at him. Matt sees it coming and is able to dodge it, but loses his
balance in the process and falls to the ground. A second dagger quickly follows the first, flying at Matt's
vulnerable form, but a dark figure drops from above and snatches it out of mid air.
Courk: So, caught any monkeys lately?
The Dude, realizing he is no match for the mighty Mouko throws one more dagger at her hoping to score a
lucky hit, but Courk throws the dagger she caught a moment ago and it strikes The Dude's weapon, sending
it spinning harmlessly to the ground. She then helps Matt to his feet.
Matt: But he's getting away!
Courk: There's time for that later. Are you alright?
Matt nods and the reunited monkey hunters head off together.
Scene: Aaron's. Luna and Sofis are still getting over the shock of Pika's "news." They sit silently for a long
Luna: I never wanted this to happen. I don't want to hurt Mithy.
Sofis sits and listens to her, although he opens his mouth when she mentions Mith, then closes it again.
Luna: But, right now, he's with her, doing god knows what! We've got the crystal. Should we turn it over
to Pika? Or should I just go to Mith and admit everything?
She stands up and heads for the door. Sofis gets up and follows her, but she gestures for him to stay.
Luna: I need to be alone for a little bit. I need to think about everything that's happened.
Sofis: I understand.
He is clearly hurt, but he lets her go. She leaves the house and heads to (You guessed it) her bridge, where
she sits down and starts crying. Her crying draws the attention of HappyMutant, who was going to confront
Aaron. He offers her a tissue.
Luna: Thank you.
Happy: You're Luna Capone, aren't you?
Luna: I was. Now, I'm back to wandering the streets with nothing but £2.74, my nose ring, and not even
the illegitimate twin girls which were left on my doorstep following an illicit liason between Amy and
Paladin, and which I and Mith have since cared for as if they were our own.
Happy: I don't envy you. Both Sofis and Mith love you very much. You have the power to make one of
them very happy. And one of them very sad. But you have to choose which.
Luna: But I can't choose between them!
Happy: Then I don't think any of you can be happy… I'm sorry. It‟s none of my business.
He heads off again, leaving Luna with her dilemma.
Moments later Nate finds himself walking along the same bridge.
Nate(to self): Ugh. What is going on here? Where am I headed anyway? I have to hide out somewhere. But
where??? Hey, there's a nice looking gal over there looking pretty depressed. Maybe I can get on her good
side and hide at her place. There might even be an added bonus. Hehe.
He puts on his most hurt expression and sits down next to the sobbing figure. Minutes pass. Finally he
decides to do something because otherwise he's just a sitting duck waiting for one of his numerous enemies
to strike. He turns to his companion in misery.
Nate: Is everything all right, stupid question really, it's obvious something is wrong, which is none of my
business, but I was thinking that you might want to talk about it, not that you have to, but you might feel
better, then again maybe not, don't feel like you have to say anything, it's just fine if you don't, I mean...
Wait. Scratch all that. Let's start at the beginning. My name's Nate and I've been having a really lousy day.
How about -
Luna, suddenly registering the name 'Nate', whirls around and let me tell you, if looks could kill, you
wouldn't even have enough ashes to put in a thimble. Nate immediately recognizes Luna. She has certain
similarities to her twin, and he knows her twin. Real well. Spent hours looking at her and all. It's immediate
all right. Even though his head does hurt and he can't think very well. He falls backwards and quickly tries
to stand up.
Nate: Whoa! Hold on! Let me explain! Really! It wasn't my idea! I was forced! I was - ok. let's all calm
down, shall we? Please.
This last is because of the hand holding onto the back of his head and the dagger poised not quite in his
eye, but pretty darn close. Luna growls at him.
Luna: You are about the slimiest, gruesomest, ugliest, rudest, disgustingest, perversest, grossest, slimiest
scumbag in the known universe. It would be a pleasure for me to kill you right now. So here's your chance.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
Nate: Well... uh... first off I don't think I'm ugly and I'm not sure the word 'perversest' exists and you said
'slimiest' twice and -
Luna: I'm waiting. But not for very much longer.
Nate: Killing me won't get you your kids back. But I might help you find them if you let me live.
Luna: 'Might'? You'd better do better than that. And what do you mean 'find them'? Don't you know where
Nate: Not really. After someone kidnapped what I had rightfully stolen, LET and Mith ganged up on me
and tried to kill me. Actually, they did more than just try. But that's a story for another day. Could you
please take that knife out of my eye?
Luna: No. I have nothing else I'd like to skewer.
Nate: Uh. Thanks. But I wish you wouldn't want to skewer me. Though I can sort of understand you, please
put yourself in my position. I'd really like to be able to breathe and maybe change my pants. So could you
please remove the offending object and get me somewhere safe? I'd like some new clothes, too.
Luna: As if I care what you'd like. Alright, come on. But if you try anything or think about trying anything
or even think about thinking about trying something, you'll never think again. Got that?
Nate: Well, no. Not really. It was all a bit too fast. Could you go over that again. I've got a bit of a
headache and I can't think too well and -
Luna: I've noticed. Now just shut up and march.
Nate(muttering): Sheesh. She's just like her sister. I hope for the rest of humanity that there are only two of
And off the two of them go. One awkwardly walking with one arm twisted painfully behind his back and a
dagger irritating his Adam's apple.
Scene: The hotel room. LET and Mith are close to kissing once again when... you guessed it... the phone
rings. The noise wakes Sofia, who had been asleep in the corner. Mith, being the wonderful father that he
is, rushes over to pick up his daughter and calm her down. LET answers the phone, frustrated.
LET: Bah! Probably some stupid kid. Oh well... Mith honey? Is she ok?
Mith: Yeah, she's calmed down... you know, we ought to find someone to look after her while we find
James... problem is, I don't know that I trust anyone in this town with my daughter... well except...
He frowns as his voice dies off.
LET: It's ok sweetie... you're right though, it would be best if poor little Sofia wasn't with us. I guess that
leaves us no choice... do you want me to call her?
Mith: No. I'll do it. I... I guess I need to.
LET: Ok honey...
LET looks a bit frustrated and bothered, but takes hold of his hand and tries to smile and cheer him up.
Mith, still holding Sofia, walks over and picks up the phone. He dials Luna's cell number. Riiiiing...
Split Screen with Luna.
Luna(holding knife to Nate's throat): This better be important, I don't have time to talk right now.
Luna: Where are you??? I've been so worried about you!
Mith: I can't tell you that right now. Look, I called to say that I have Sofia.
Luna: You do?? Can I see her? What about James?
Mith: Let me finish please. Chuck... you remember him, right? He kidnapped James before I caught up
with Nate and LET. I'm going to go look for him. I have Sofia though. Nate is dead, by the way.
Nate(mumbling): I'm not dead yet...
Luna: Not exactly...
Mith: What? I shot him myself, he couldn't have lived.
Luna: Well, he's here with me, with a knife at his throat. Looks alive to me.
Mith: Oh. Well, anyway... the reason I called...
Mith: Well, I can't take Sofia with me... too dangerous. And I don't trust anyone else in town with her...
Luna: Oh... I see... yeah... of course I can take care of her...
Luna: How are you going to get her to me?
Mith: Oh... I hadn't thought about that... I guess we'll have to meet somewhere...
Luna: Can't you just tell me where you are?
Mith: Er... no, I'd rather not...
Luna: Oh... hey... you never mentioned what happened to my sister...
Mith: Yeah... er...
Back to full screen. The door suddenly comes flying open, and Chuck leaps through. LET spins around in
surprise and gets knocked unconscious with a boot to the head. Mith drops the phone and reaches for his
gun. He stops as he feels a blade against his throat.
Luna(coming from phone): Mith?? What was that? Answer me! Mith??
Mith stares into Chuck eyes, and Chuck finally picks up the phone.
Chuck: Your husband is... busy.
Luna: Chuck! Don't you hurt my Mithy or I swear I will kill you myself.
Chuck: I would never dream of it. Mith and I just need to have a discussion... Goodbye now.
Luna: No! Wait... please...
Mith: Luna! The hotel! Three thirty...
Mith stops as the sword pokes into his throat, hard.
Chuck: I would suggest you be quiet, Mith. We will be long gone before she can get here anyway.
Chuck hangs up the phone.
Chuck: What's this? A gun? I thought you were more honorable than that... Let's get moving. Are we
bringing her with us? Or shall I finish her off?
Chuck gestures at LET. Mith looks horrified.
Mith: No! Don't hurt her!
Chuck: Ah, so the rumors are true... come on then. You carry her, I'll carry the kid. Don't try anything or
you are all dead.
Mith reluctantly hands Chuck his daughter, and picks up LET. They walk out of the room.
Scene: The third floor of Nate's hotel. Mercuria is walking down the hall, carrying her bags.
Mercuria(to self): Finally here... it'll be nice, having a new start. No more mafia connections, no more cow
Chuck comes out of a room down the hall, holding Sofia, as well as a knife hidden from view.
Mercuria(to self): Oh my... Chuck?? What is my cousin doing here??? And with a baby girl...
Mith walks out behind him, carrying an unconscious LET. Merc stops walking, in shock.
Mercuria(to self): Mith?? It's been so long... what is he doing here?? That must be Luna with him... what
happened to her? And why would he be with Chuck, of all people? They hate each other!
Merc gets to her door and throws her bags in, then follows them down the hall...
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Somewhere in Salem. Luna is rushing to the hotel with Nate in tow. Moving down a crowded street
with a prisoner quickly is not easy, however. She is therefore pleased when DPW pulls up beside her. He is
rather surprised to see Nate with her, although it becomes more clear to him when he sees the knife.
Luna: Take me to the hotel. Quickly!
Luna: No questions, just do it.
He gets the same look Nate got when he identified himself to her on the bridge and decides to see just how
fast his car really can accelerate.
Scene: In front of the hotel. Chuck's car drives off and DPW pulls into the parking space occupied by it
Luna: Go into the bar or something. Don't let him out of your sight.
DPW and Nate follow her orders, DPW muttering something about how at least he was captain of a pirate
ship, and Nate relieved to not have a knife in the small of his back. Luna goes up to the third floor, and
starts looking at all the rooms numbered in the 330's. One has a drop of blood on the door, which is
slightly ajar. She pushes it open to see the mostly full bottle of vodka, along with an unmade bed. She gets
out her phone and dials a number.
Luna: Dr. Omega...This is Luna. Can you come to the hotel? Room 335. Bring materials for a DNA test.
Scene: The same place, fifteen minutes later. Omega is standing up from bending over a microscope.
Luna: So, whose blood is it?
Omega: I can't be sure without performing more thorough tests in a more controlled environment...
Luna's gives him a "That's not what I want to hear" look. Omega quickly continues.
Omega: But, based on this, I'd say it‟s yours.
Luna looks at the open bottle and the unmade bed and for just a moment, nothing matters: not Mith's
safety, not Sofia. Then the phone rings. From the other end of the line...
DPW: I've got a vehicle description. Two men with a baby and an incapacitated blonde woman Luna
brightens briefly at this left here just before we arrived in a '99 red Camaro, partial plate CFW. Why don't
you call your mafia cohorts and have them start looking? I'll call Courk, too. We'll find them.
Scene: Mith drives, while Chuck holds his daughter and LET lies in the back. Mith notices a suspicious
looking Audi TT following them, but can't tell who is driving.
Mith: Where are we going?
Chuck: You'll find out soon enough. I'm hungry now. Pull over at that Baskin Robbins.
Mith gives him an odd look, and pulls over. Chuck gets out, with Sofia, and goes in to order some Gold
Medal Ribbon. Mith turns to check on LET.
Mith(touching her cheek): You ok?
LET stirs, and opens her eyes. She looks very confused and tired.
LET: Mith? What happened? Did we... wait a minute, where am I?
Mith: Chuck got us. He has Sofia. Just do what he says for now. We'll figure something out.
LET: Ok... honey... there's something I should tell you... I... I lo...
A quiet tap on the window interrupts them. Mith spins around, and almost passes out as he sees Mercuria...
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The hotel room. Omega is about to leave, when Luna grabs his arm.
Luna: There's one more test I'd like you to perform...
She finishes too quietly to hear. Omega is clearly depressed by what he hears.
Omega: I see. Well, generally you have to wait a week before you can get an accurate testing, but if its that
important to you, I'll take a blood sample now.
Luna says nothing, but rolls up her sleeve. Omega goes to get a needle and vial from his supplies...
Scene: The bar. DPW is talking on his phone.
DPW: Courk? Did you find him? ...Got away, huh? ...Is Matt safe? ...Good. We've got a situation here.
Chuck has Mith, one of the kids, and probably Luna's twin, too... We've got a vehicle description. If you
see a red Camaro with a CFW plate, call me.
Nate is sitting across from DPW. And he isn't exactly happy.
Nate(sarcastic voice): 'We've got a situation'?? Big deal.
DPW: Shut up.
Nate: What is that even supposed to mean?
DPW: I said, shut up. I won't say it again.
Nate: I mean, when don't we have a situation? Everything is a situation. Name one thing that isn't a sit -
As we have already established, most people find it hard to talk with a long, thin, cold piece of steel at their
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The bar. Nate has just shut up when Luna walks into the bar. She goes to the bartender, starts to
ask for something, reconsiders and gets a club soda. DPW lowers his sword and walks over to her. If he
notices she doesn't have her usual vodka, he doesn't say anything.
Luna: Was he any trouble?
DPW: Not once I figured out where his volume control is.
Luna: Go see if you can find them.
DPW: What about him?
They look over at Nate, who, although he can't hear what they're saying, becomes quite uncomfortable
when they look over at him.
Luna: I'll take care of him. He's nice and tame once you push the right button.
DPW: What about you?
Luna: I'll go back to Aaron's. Having Sofis fawn over me might make me feel a little better.
She gives a weak smile at this attempted joke, but its clear that the strain is getting to her. She goes to
collect Nate while DPW heads outside.
Scene: Outside Baskin Robbins. Mith has gotten over his momentary shock at seeing Merc and opens the
door. He frequently looks in at Chuck.
Merc: Mith! Still with… wait, that's not Luna.
LET: Sweetie, who's this?
Mith: Mercuria, Luna's Evil Twin. LET, Mercuria. Merc, Chuck's inside and he's got Sofia! If he sees you,
you'll be in great danger.
Merc: Leave it to me.
Mith: Merc! Wait!
She ignores him and walks inside. She goes to the counter and stands next to Chuck.
Merc: I'd like a double scoop of whoop-ass.
She turns and smashes Chuck in the jaw. Caught off guard, he reels and Mercuria grabs Sofia and races
for the door. As soon as she connects, outside, Mith leaps out of the car and heads for the door. Merc gets
out and is closely followed by Chuck, whose hunger is sated by a knuckle sandwich from Mith. He drops to
the ground and Mith turns to check on Merc and Sofia, and when he turns back, Chuck has mysteriously
disappeared. He looks around but the evil ninja master is nowhere to be found. Merc grabs him and drags
him into her car, which pulls into traffic with a screech of tires. LET finally climbs out of Chuck's car quite
upset about Mith escaping her, when DPW pulls up in his Bentley.
Scene: Merc's car. Mith is holding his daughter, still a bit shocked, while Merc speeds through town.
Mith: I can't believe you just left her...
Merc: Yeah, well, we were in a hurry... what where you doing with her anyway?
Mith: Er... we were working to find James... I sorta had no choice in the matter...
Merc: That's not what it looked like... sweetie?
Mith grimaces and blushes slightly.
Mith: I'll explain later... thank you though.
Merc: My cousin has no business getting himself involved in kidnapping...
Mith: Your... wow, that's one I never would've guessed... I guess we have alot of catching up to do, Merc...
it's been a long time...
Both of them look a bit awkward and uncomfortable.
Merc: Well, I guess we better go somewhere... what are your plans?
Mith: Well, before Chuck found us, I was planning on getting Sofia to... Luna... and then going with LET
to search for James... I guess that's still the plan, even without LET.
Merc: I see... well... I would like to help you. For all the pain my family... and I... have caused you.
Mith: Thank you... I appreciate it...
Again, they look embarrassed.
Merc: Well, I was planning on staying in that hotel... I'm not sure how safe that is now... but I don't really
have any other ideas, do you?
Mith: Hm... no, not really... I guess we can go there and I can call Luna... and then we can figure out what's
Mith blushes slightly, and turns his attention to his daughter, hoping Merc won't notice. She does, and
Scene: Back at Aaron's house. Sofis is sitting on Aaron's couch; Luna is lying with her head in his lap,
exhausted and fast asleep. Sofis is stroking her hair, rather distractedly, and wondering what they're going
to do next. He's also wondering whether he could possibly move her off his lap and get up, as he's
beginning to get cramp. At this moment, however, Luna's cell phone rings. She doesn't stir, though, so after
a few moments Sofis hesitantly picks it up and answers it.
Sofis: Uh... hello?
There's a small click; the phone has clearly gone dead. Sofis shrugs and puts it down again.
Scene: A rather familiar-looking hotel room. Mith puts his phone down, looking rather shaken.
Mercuria: She wasn't there?
Mith(bitterly): She might well have been, but I refuse to discuss my wife's whereabouts with... him.
Mercuria(obviously surprised): Him? There's a him? You don't mean...
Mith: It's not something I really want to think about... but yes, I suppose there is.
Mercuria is shocked. She walks across the room and sits down beside Mith to comfort him
Mercuria: I'm so sorry, Mith... wow, I can't believe Luna would do that! Who... who is he? Do you know?
Mith rolls his eyes.
Mith: Take a shot in the dark.
Mercuria gets a faraway look in her eyes...
Mercuria: I remember the dark...
Flashback: Scene: A party in a house resembling a castle. Mercuria, with hair considerably shorter and
swept up, is wearing a slinky black satin dress, back slingbacks, and dark red lipstick. She leans on the
guardrail and looks down at the foyer, studying the grain of the black marble adorning the floor, whose
details she can see from her perch nearly twenty feet up. Suddenly, she catches a glimpse of a curly
chestnut ponytail tucked into the back of a black jacket. Her interest is no longer in the cold stone.
Soundlessly, she descends the stairs and forges into the crowd after the ponytail, which is no longer
anywhere to be found. After spinning around two times, she makes her way to the balcony to get away from
the heavy blanket of mixed perfumes in the ballroom. Taking in the night air, she detects something in the
air that makes her tense up.
Sofis: How'd you know it was me?
Merc: I could smell you...
Sofis: I should have remembered that about you.
Merc: You're not supposed to be here. You know that...
Sofis: I know. But I just had to see her.
Merc: Which is exactly why you shouldn't be here. Haven't you done enough damage to those two?
Sofis: What do you care?
Merc: They're my friends. Mith would be devastated if he found out, and Luna doesn't know what to do.
Just leave them alone, please...
Sofis: Why don't you just rat me out again?
Merc(through gritted teeth): Leave them alone.
Mercuria turns around disappears around the corner of the building. Sofis goes after her, but there's
nothing around the corner but shrubs and grass. He walks along the wall looking for a door or window, but
finds none. Dejected, he heads back for the balcony. He takes one more look back, and walks toward his
car. Mercuria, one hand on the wall, walks back around the corner and watches him leave...
Merc snaps back to reality.
Merc: I'm sorry, Mith... look, why don't I call back and see if I can find her... someone has to look after
Sofia while we find James, right?
Mith: Yeah... ok... I'm not sure I like the idea of him looking after her too...
Merc: Yeah... I'm sorry Mith...
Merc puts an arm around him and hugs him. She grabs the phone, and hits redial.
Merc: I'm in a bit of a hurry, so I don't have time to yell at you... yet. Put Luna on the phone.
Sofis: Mer... oh... yeah, I'll put her on...
Sounds of Sofis waking Luna up gently.
Merc: Hi Luna... remember me?
Luna: Mercuria? Hey...
Merc: Hi... you're probably wondering why I am calling you, after all this time... odd story actually...
anyway, I got Mith and Sofia away from Chuck... he says he needs to give Sofia to you so he can go find
James? Do you want to talk to him?
Luna: Mithy's ok?? Yes! Put him on!
Merc hands Mith the phone.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The street in front of BR. LET is standing around looking confused, when DPW pulls to a stop and
walks over to her. She regards him suspiciously.
DPW: Where's Mith and the kid?
LET: They ran off with some woman. Well?
DPW: It‟s so cliche.
LET: You've got to...
DPW: Fine: Going to try to kill me again?
LET: Not just now. That was business. I'm sorry about that.
LET: Not really. Well, maybe a little bit. You did ruin my foolproof plan for ruining his and my sister's
DPW: Your sister's a nice girl once you get past the mafia nonsense.
DPW: But Mith, well, why don't we talk about that? Chez Quail? 8:00?
LET gives him a funny look but nods.
DPW: Great. Want me to pick you up?
LET: I'll meet you there.
They separate. Once she's out of sight, DPW gets out his phone and dials a number.
DPW: Busy. I'll try again in a little bit.
Scene: the Capones' house. It's a cold, rainy night, and Baba - who has been patiently taking care of
Edward and waiting for the Capones to return - is curled up on the sofa drinking hot chocolate and reading
to Edward, when she's suddenly disturbed by the sound of the doorbell.
Baba: Oh! Edward, that must be your mom and dad... see, I told you theý'd be back soon...
She gets up and opens the door. An expression of confusion crosses her face when there's no sign of Mith,
Luna, or anyone else. Then she looks down. Two small, cold, soaking wet, identical girls are standing
Paladina: Hi, Baba.
Quailette: Can we come in?
Paladina: We don't know where our daddy's gone.
Quailette: He just walked out and left us.
Paladina: We don't know if he's coming back. He just said some stuff we didn't understand.
Quailette: We're really cold. And hungry.
Baba(somewhat taken aback): Well, of course... come in, I'll get you some dry clothes...
She walks back into the house, muttering (too quietly for the children to hear) that if she'd wanted three
kids, she'd have had some of her own...
Scene: Split between Mith and Luna, on the phone.
Luna: You're ok! I was worried about you...
Mith: Gee, thanks... look, I have Sofia, let's meet so I can get back to looking for my son. Let's just meet at
our house in an hour, ok?
Luna: Er... ok... Mith?
Luna hangs up. Back to full screen, Mith looks at the phone for a second, and then throws it across the
room and lays back on the bed. Merc looks concerned... she sits next to him and takes his right hand
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Florist's. Care and Eykir are talking when DPW enters. Their conversation ends as the door
opens and Care goes to greet her customer.
Care: Can I help you?
DPW: I'd like a single rose, please.
Care: Are you sure? We've got a sale going on dozen rose bouquets. And I've got some lovely orchid
DPW: Thank you, no. Just the one.
Care(muttering): How are we supposed to make any money if people keep coming in here and buying one
stinking flower? (Louder) Would you like one without thorns? They're extra.
DPW: Thornless, eh? Why not? Here you are, miss.
He hands her some money and takes his flower and leaves. Care returns to her conversation with Eykir.
Scene: Bravo's office. Bravo is coming in to work. As he enters the door slams shut behind him.
Dethwing: How did you find out about Don IS?
Bravo: Don IS? What are you talking about? I'm having the famous mafia hunter Internet Stranger,
responsible for catching over a dozen mafia scum, plus assorted other undesirable criminals, on the show
Deth: That's right. You're having the Famous Mafia Hunter on. We'll be watching your show with great
interest. You'd better hope we like what we see...
Dethwing leaves, leaving Bravo to rewrite several questions for his show.
Scene: Back at the Hotel. Merc is still holding Mith's hand, and he is now sitting up, with his head on
Merc's shoulder, and looking almost ok.
Mith: Merc... thank you. Again, I mean. I don't know that I could stand to be alone right now...
Merc: Anytime, Mith. You know I'll always be here for you.
They hug. Mith raises his head up to look at her.
Mith: You never told me why you ended up in Salem.
Merc: Well... it's a long story, can it wait? It's almost time to meet your wife.
Mith: Oh, ok... yeah... Merc, I'm scared. I love her. I don't want to lose her.
Merc: I know... I know...
Merc hugs him again, and then helps him up. Mith picks up his daughter and they walk out of the hotel.
Scene: Outside the hotel. As Mith and Merc leave the hotel, they are stopped by a monkey carrying a
message around its neck. Mith takes it and opens it. At the top of the page is the symbol of the Flying
“Duel: 9pm tonight, at school. - Matt”
Mith quickly writes a reply to the message and sends the monkey back - he really didn't need this
interruption to his plans. But how to beat Matt as quickly as possible so he could return to the search for
Scene: At Aaron‟s.
Sofis: I've got to go.
Luna: Where? And why?
Sofis: I'll tell you later. I'm already late.
Sofis exits stage right. Luna looks at Nate. Her voice is literally dripping with sarcasm. Really. It's
splashing on the floor and everything.
Luna: So, are you comfortable in that straitjacket?
Nate: Well, if you'd like an honest answer -
Luna: No. I want you to lie.
Nate: Oh. (Pause) Ok. (Pause) It's really quite comfy, actually. I can't exactly move around that much, but
at least I, uh, well, yeah. So anyways, I'm happy. How about you?
Luna: Shut up.
Nate opens and shuts his mouth a few times. Then he just stares at Luna for a while.
Luna: Well? Aren't you going to say something stupid? Hmm?
Nate starts to speak, then pauses. Then starts again.
Nate: Are you trying to drive me insane?
Luna: Well, I think you deserve it after what you did to me.
Nate: Hey, I never meant to hurt your kids, and incidentally, Sofis said he's planning to leave you for
Luna: What?!? That's a filthy lie!
Nate: No. It's not. (Pause) Which part do you think is a lie, anyway?
Luna: What? Oh. Well, the part about Sofis not - NO! The part about you not wanting to hurt my kids.
What did you want to do with them?
Nate: I admit that I wanted to use them to get Mith out of town. But that doesn't mean I didn't care about
them. I was treating them well. Until they were kidnapped away from me.
Nate: I'm really, really sorry that I had to do this to you. I just looked at you as mafia and not as a person.
I'm sorry. I feel sick to my stomach about all this. But I didn't want any of this any more than you do. All I
wanted was to give you your kids back as soon as possible. After Mith had left town. But believe me, you
would have gotten them right back after that. Now everything is screwed up. I didn't want to lose your kids,
I didn't want to make you cry. I'm so sorry. Oh god, I'm sorry. I deserve to die. I never thought of anyone
but myself. Listen, please, do me a favor. Just kill me, ok?
Scene: Inside Aaron Tiger Eyes' house. Someone knocks on the door and gets in without waiting for an
answer. It is Reverend Antrax, all dressed up and holding his bible
Antrax: Die? My son, there is so much to live for! You should be proud in the gift of life god granted you,
not toss it away like some broken toy!
Nate: Well, uh, I dunno how happy YOU would be to live if you were in my position.
Antrax: Son, whenever things are rough in your life, know it is just God testing how strong your faith in
him really is. If you stay faithful, nothing can harm you.
Antrax squints at Luna, thinking how well those words apply to his current situation. Hesitant, he
Antrax: What about you, Luna? You never miss a sermon. Were you sick?
Luna: I had some other, err, more pressing business to attend to.
Antrax: What could possibly be more important than worshipping God? By the way, where are your
children? I haven't seen them around lately either.
Luna starts crying, and Antrax looks around embarrassed, clearly torn between the need to hold her and
console her and his vow of chastity
Antrax: Err, now now.
Luna keeps crying.
Nate: Look, this isn't going to help. Can't you see all she needs is a big hug? I'd do it myself but my hands
are sort of occupied, so to speak.
Antrax shrugs and convinces himself this is basically a good deed, walks up to Luna and throws his arms
around her, letting her cry on his shoulder.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: DPW's home. DPW is returning home, to pass the time until his date. He decides to try Luna again.
He dials and waits for a moment. Elsewhere, Aaron picks up the phone left by Luna on the couch.
DPW: Aaron? Can I talk to Luna?
Aaron: Now's not the best time, really. I can tell her you called if you want.
DPW: Tell her I found her sister. She said Mith and Sofia escaped Chuck with the help of another woman.
(Pause) I don't know that you need to tell her that part.
Aaron: She knows. Mith called here earlier.
DPW: OK. I'll get back to you later. I've got something else that needs my attention for a while.
He hangs up and heads to his house. For no apparent reason, he draws his sword and enters cautiously. A
quick search reveals that he is alone, but almost as an afterthought, he goes to the secret compartment. The
crystal is not there.
Scene: Back to Aaron's house. Luna sniffles, stops crying on Antrax's shoulder and pulls herself together.
Luna: Thankyou, Reverend.
She gives him a slightly watery smile.
Luna: You've always been very kind to me. And my family. The children will be sorry to have missed
Antrax: Ah. Yes. The children. I was, er, going to ask where...
Luna: Please. Not just now.
Antrax gives her a concerned look, but decides not to intrude.
Antrax: Very well, Luna. You'll be in my prayers. Send my love to the children, and, ah, your husband, of
He glances down at the young man in the straitjacket.
Antrax: It's, er, it's been a pleasure to meet you.
Nate twists his head around to look at Luna, and raises an eyebrow.
Nate: This just gets weirder. The notorious Luna Capone goes to church?
Luna: Antrax is very kind to us. The children love him. I expect he's been worried about them.
She glares at Nate again.
Nate: Luna, I don't know what more I can say... I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt your children; I took good
care of them, I swear.
Luna: You have a peculiar idea of 'taking care of.'
She's looking much softer and less angry, though.
Nate: Look. Could you possibly let me out of this thing for a little while? I'm unarmed and defenseless, and
I'm hardly going to go anywhere.
Luna hesitates, and then walks across to Nate's corner.
Luna: Oh, alright. But only for a little while. To stretch your limbs and have a drink.
Nate: And maybe a short trip to the men's room. Please.
Luna: Well... I can't really trust you. And I'm sure not going to accompany you. Can you hold it until Sofis
Nate: Uh, to be honest, no. What if I leave the door open and wave my free arm about? You can position
yourself so you only see my arm.
Luna: Fine. Whatever you want. Now get up so I can take this thing off of you.
Nate gets up. Slowly. (And if you think it's easy getting up with your arms strapped to your chest, how
about trying it first.)
Nate(slightly sarcastic): Thanks for not helping me up. I didn't want to feel dependant or anything.
Luna: Watch it. I'm being nice here.
Luna undoes the straitjacket, then jumps back and picks up a gun which she aims at Nate's head.
Nate: I'm sure you won't need that. Could you please point it somewhere else?
Luna points it somewhere else.
Nate: Ok, forget that. Point it at my head again, please. Now I'm going to walk over to the bathroom.
Slowly. Do you want to make sure there isn't a razor in there or anything? I'm not going to try anything, but
if you want to make sure, go right ahead.
Luna: Nah. If you come running out of there with a razor, I'll just shoot you five or six times. I have no
problem with that.
Nate(gulp) That's nice. May I go to the bathroom now?
Luna nods and Nate heads off towards the bathroom.
Nate(muttering): If I do find a razor, maybe I'll slit my wrists.
A few minutes later Nate walks out of the bathroom zipping his fly.
Luna: Aren't you going to wash your hands?
Nate: Nah. In the Marines I learned not to piss on my hands.
Luna: Funny. Now get back in there and wash your hands.
This is accompanied by Luna waving her gun-wielding hand about.
Nate: Ok. Just please put that thing away.
Nate re-enters the bathroom and washes his hands. By the time he's come back out, the gun is nowhere in
sight and Luna is at the bar mixing herself a vodka-lemon sans vodka. Or maybe it's a gin-tonic without
Nate: Thanks for getting rid of that. It was making me extremely nervous.
Luna: Yeah, yeah. Save it. Do you want anything to drink?
Nate: Sure, thanks. I'll have a white Russian.
Luna picks up her drink and sits down on the couch.
Luna: Well go right ahead and get it yourself.
Nate: Well, I'd better get used to not being a guest here. Thanks for getting me out of the straitjacket at
least. That was very decent of you.
As Nate racks his brain in vain trying to figure out what else goes into a white Russian other than milk, he
stares at Luna.
Luna: What are you staring at? And don't think for one minute that you can fool me by saying that there is
someone standing behind me with a gun, or other such nonsense.
Nate: No, no. I was just thinking that you aren't such a heartless person after all. I mean, we'd probably get
along just fine under normal circumstances. You know, you're actually very pretty.
He shakes head.
Nate: I mean pretty very.
He shakes head again.
Nate: Uh, pretty nice. Yeah, that. You're pretty nice.
Luna looks at Nate for a minute and then slowly smiles. He smiles back.
Luna: Enough about me. Sit down and tell me what you do when you aren't kidnapping pretty nice people's
She smiles thinly at her poor attempt at humor and then turns her face away. Nate leaves his unmade drink
and sits down next to her.
Scene: The monkey returns to Matt, with Mith's reply.
"I can't be at the school. I will be at my house at 9. Wait outside. You may have your duel when I exit."
Matt smiles. Perhaps tonight is his night to become a true ninja.
The door to Aaron's house opens again and Sofis enters.
Luna: Where were you?
Sofis: Among other things, I got a gun. I thought I might need it if I'm going to watch Nate while you're
Luna: Oh yeah, that. I suppose it's time to get going...
They hug, and Luna leaves. The sound of her motorcycle is heard leaving.
Nate: I'm quite harmless, really.
Sofis: Let's hope so, shall we? I don't know if blood stains are easy to wash...
Flashback: Scene: Nate is still in the straitjacket. Sofis, Aaron and Luna are eating breakfast. Scrambled
eggs for Sofis, pancakes for Aaron, and an ice cream sundae with pickles and anchovies topped off with
tabasco sauce, cake frosting and a cherry for Luna.
Sofis: So, how are you feeling? Anything kicking yet? Should I buy you one of those headset thingies?
Aaron: Huh? Are you talking to me? What was that all about?
Luna: I think he was talking to me, Aaron. And no, I don't think I need anything yet. Later maybe.
Luna takes another big bite.
Luna: Yum. This is good. Want to try?
Aaron's face turns green and Sofis politely declines and pushes his eggs away.
Scene: Aaron's house, still. Sofis looks suspiciously at Nate, who's wandered back over to the bar.
Sofis: What are you doing wandering about, anyway?
Nate: Your girlfriend let me out. She's kinda nice, you know. For a chick who wants me dead. Hey, do you
know what goes into a White Russian? And do you have any of it?
Sofis just looks at Nate with an expression of mild disbelief.
Nate: What? It's not like she's going to be drinking it. Oh, I never actually got around to congratulating you
two, did I? Congratulations. (Pause) Although why anyone would want to produce any more of that family
is beyond me. You'd better hope it's not a girl.
Sofis has had a difficult day and isn't in the most tolerant of moods. And so it happens that, once again,
Nate finds himself with a gun aimed at his head.
Scene: The Capones' house. Luna pulls up outside, on her motorcycle, and walks to the front door. She
hesitates for a moment, wondering if she should knock, and then dismisses the thought and lets herself in.
The first thing she sees as she walks in is a tiny crib on the floor, containing a sleeping Sofia. Her face
lights up, and she immediately runs over to pick up her daughter - who wakes up and starts screaming, but
Luna isn't going to let that spoil the moment.
Luna(her voice breaking a little): She's safe. Oh, thank God.
Sofia begins to quiet down a little as Luna holds her, and Mith takes this opportunity to clear his throat
pointedly. Luna turns around.
There follows a pause which is so long and awkward that Luna contemplate just climbing out of the
window and driving off again.
Luna: Uh... hi. Your, ah, your little friend not with you?
Mith: I asked her to wait in the car.
Another of those pauses.
Mith: Would you like a drink? I bought some vodka.
Luna shakes her head.
Luna: Just water, I think. Or orange juice, if you have any.
Mith looks at her blankly.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Omega's lab. Dr. Omega is just finishing up in his lab. He goes to the phone and dials a number.
Omega: Mith? I just finished the test. Congratulations.
Mith: Congratulations? What are you talking about?
Scene: Mith and Luna, in their living room. As Mith says this, Luna quickly deduces who is on the other
end of the phone, but it‟s too late for her to do anything.
Omega: You didn't know? Luna's pregnant. Hello? Mith?
Mith: I'll call you back in a little bit.
He hangs up.
Mith: You know who that was?
Luna nods, afraid of what Mith is going to do next...
Scene: The Florist's.
Eykir: Care I haven't been home since I ran into you on the bridge by the docks. I need to go home and
take care of a few things and get some sleep.
Care: Of course! Call my cell phone when you need to contact me. I'm not sure where I'm going to be after
I close the store.
Scene: Eykir's Apartment. Eykir walks into his apartment with his mail in his hand and turns on the light.
He was flipping through it so he failed to realize someone else was in the apartment until someone cleared
her throat. He starts and looks up to see Elayne sitting on the couch.
Eykir: Elayne! What are you doing here? How did you get in here?
Elayne: Well Eykir, you always keep your key in the same place no matter where you live. You really
should stop doing that you know.
Eykir: But why are you here? Not to mention the fact if it would have more polite to tell me you were
going to come instead of walking right on in.
Eykir drops the mail on the table and walks over and sits down on the sofa.
Elayne: You see, I ran into a problem, well two exactly, and I needed to leave town suddenly. I was hoping
you'd be willing to let me stay with you for a little while until I get some things straightened out.
Eykir: Sure, but won't you be missed? Especially by...
At this point Elayne's composure crumples and she is obviously distressed and exhausted.
Elayne: Oh please don't ask! Especially not about him! I can't talk about it. Not yet anyway. I haven't slept
well in days. It's been driving me crazy...
Eykir takes her into his arms and she begins to cry on his shoulder.
Scene: Back at Aaron's.
Nate: Wow! That's one big gun.
He backs off a few feet, still pointing the gun at Nate.
Sofis: Stay where I can see you!
Nate: Sure. Do you mind if I take off this shirt? I'm sooo sweaty.
He takes off his shirt without waiting for Sofis's answer.
Nate: Ahhh. I feel sooo much better. Are you sure you want to leave that sweatshirt on? It seeems to me
that it is really quite hot in this room.
Sofis glances at the straitjacket then back at Nate. Straitjacket, Nate. Nate, straitjacket.
Nate: Ohhhh. Aren't you a bad boy. Tut tut.
Sofis: Are you coming on to me or something?
Scene: Eykir's Apartment. A little while later Elayne has stopped crying. Eykir pulls back enough to look at
Eykir: Look I have an idea to help take your mind off of things. Go take a short nap and then I'll take you
out to eat. Somewhere nice and fancy since I know you like to have the opportunity to dress up. You did
bring clothes right?
Elayne: Yes I did. The bags are out in my car.
Eykir: I'll go get then in a minute. You are going to go sleep.
Eykir helps her to stand and then shows her into his bedroom and closes the door and goes to get her bags.
A few hours later they are both dressed for the occasion and are heading out the door.
Elayne: Where are we going?
Eykir: The best restaurant in town, Chez Quail.
Scene: The Capones' house. Mith and Luna look at each other.
Mith(quietly): Well, that was a nice way to find out.
Luna doesn't know what to say. She just stands there, quietly, biting her lip and looking at the floor.
Luna: I - I'm sorry. I didn't want you to find out like that... I... I had to know if it was true first, and... Mith,
please say something.
Mith just looks at her blankly. Luna starts to cry a little.
Luna: I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you, please believe me. I never thought this would happen... it's not
as if we planned it...
She looks up at him.
Luna: Please say something, Mith.
Mith: I have to go. Look after Sofia.
He walks past her and out the front door, leaving her standing there. After a few moments, she wanders out
again, on her way back to Aaron's.
Scene: Dan, after finding no one at Club Carlito, walks towards Mith's house. As he gets closer, he notices
Merc's Audi TT, parked outside. He runs over, and sees her sitting in the car, watching the door anxiously.
He walks up and taps on the window.
Merc: Oh... Dan? What are you doing here? You scared me!
Dan: Well, I was looking for Mith, and I saw your car...
Merc: I thought I told you to stay away!
Dan: I'm sorry... look, I didn't mean for that to happen. You know that. Please, give me another chance.
Merc: Look, I don't have time for this right now...
Mith slams the door on his way out. Merc turns and sees him.
Merc: Time to go, apparently. Please, Dan, stay away.
Dan: Well, I have to talk to him anyway. At least let me stay that long.
Mith walks out calmly, and sits down on the ground with his legs crossed. Merc looks at him, and yells.
Merc: Mith! What happened? Are you ok? We should go, don't you think?
Matt leaps into the scene from nowhere, and Mith looks up at him. Merc jumps out of the car, pushing Dan
out of the way.
Mith(calmly): No, Merc. It's fine. I told him to come.
Matt pulls out his wooden sword.
Mith: You won't need that for this fight, my child.
Mith reaches back and pulls a sword he had hidden under his shirt out, and hands it to Matt.
Matt: Won't you need a blade, Master?
Mith: Not this time.
Matt looks at him for a second, then shrugs. Mith stands up. Merc watches anxiously, not sure what's going
on. Dan walks up beside Merc, and casually puts an arm around her.
Mith: Now, my child. Attack.
Matt charges, swinging the blade gracefully, as Luna walks out of the house. Luna stops as soon as the
door opens, and takes in the scene. Matt swings at Mith, who ducks out of the way at the last second. Mith
back off a bit, and sees Luna watching.
Mith: Oh, hi Luna.
Luna: What are you doing? You're gonna get yourself killed!
Matt comes back at him, and when he begins to swing, Mith leaps over him, and kicks him in the back.
Luna: Why are you doing this?
Mith: My student is looking to earn full ninja status. He needs to beat a Master to get his own blade.
Luna: But you aren't even defending yourself! There's a small difference in losing and getting killed, isn't
Mith: Bah, what do you care? You'd probably be quite happy if I died. You could go boink that Swedish
punk without having to feel guilty about it. Or maybe you don't feel guilty as it is.
Matt comes at Mith out of the shadows, and swings, failing to see that Mith is already kicking at him. Mith
kicks Matt's arm, sending the sword flying. Matt leaps back toward it.
Mith: A true ninja can fight without a blade. Come, Matt, prove yourself.
Luna: Mith, please. I didn't mean for this to happen. You're acting crazy, stop this!
Luna sees Merc and Dan standing by Merc's car.
Luna: Merc! Maybe he'll listen to you. Stop him!
Matt walks back over, swordless, and begins to circle Mith.
Merc: I can't do that, Luna. It's his fight. If he's doing this because of you, you'll have to stop it.
Courk drives up, and runs over to the fight with a monkey on her shoulder.
Courk: Sorry, Matt, I came as soon as I got your message.
Matt tries to use the distraction to kicks Mith, but Mith simply ducks out of the way.
Mith: I thought I trained you better than this. You must've gotten rusty hunting monkeys.
Courk: Is this some sort of joke? Where is your sword, Mith?
Matt: It's ok, Mouko-kun. I am learning, even now. Shado-kei is teaching me patience in my attack.
Courk: But he's not fighting back! Mith, you like like you *want* him to beat you.
Luna, Merc, Dan, and the monkey all continue to watch the scene in anxious fascination. Paladina comes
running out of the house.
Paladina: Mommy! Mommy! Uncle IS is on TV! What's daddy doing?
Everyone turns to look at the child, except for Mith, who kicks Matt in the back.
Mith: Never turn your back on an opponent.
Matt grabs the sword, now lying next to him, and slowly gets up so that Mith can't see that he has it. He
suddenly turns around and slashes. Mith is surprised. He still manages to move remarkably fast, but not
quite fast enough. The sword cuts into his side, and Mith falls to the ground.
Paladina runs over to Mith's side. He smiles at her, and takes her hand.
Paladina: Are you ok, daddy?
Mith: Yes, princess, daddy's fine. Listen, I have some things that need taking care of. You go see your
mommy and go watch uncle IS on TV. And tell your mother that I love her, very much.
Mith kisses her hand, and she gets up and goes back to hold on to Luna's leg. Matt walks over and puts the
sword at his throat.
Matt: Do you surrender?
Mith, holding his side, and wincing in pain, glances at Luna.
Mith: You wouldn't kill me in front of my daughter, would you? (Pause) Luna, take Paladina inside.
Luna: Mith... No... you... no...
Matt(a bit shocked): Master, I can't kill you...
Mith: You can't become a ninja until I surrender or am completely defeated. Luna, take her inside. Now.
Nate: Well... I'm sure not coming on to 'something'.
He winks broadly.
Nate: Want a drink?
Scene: Back at the Capone‟s.
Luna: Paladina, go inside and see if Baba will read you a story again. Now.
Luna sighs, weighs up the situation, and decides what to do. Then she takes an empty hip flask from her
pocket, and hits Mith as hard as she can over the head with it, rendering him unconscious.
Luna(to Ryoushi): Looks pretty much completely defeated to me. Congratulations on becoming a full
ninja. Now, could someone get Mith to a hospital, please? I have some business to attend to.
And she drives off, Sofia and all, on her motorcycle.
Everyone watches in a state of shock as Luna drives off. Merc runs over to Mith and takes his hand.
Merc: Will someone help me? He needs to get to a hospital.
Matt: I will.
Dan(walking up): No, let me. I need to talk to him as soon as he wakes up anyway.
Merc: Dan, I told you...
Dan: Please, Merc... let me help you...
She sighs, and motions him over.
Merc: Should we move him inside? Courk, go call an ambulence. Hurry.
Scene: Nate and Sofis.
Sofis: No, I don't want a drink. I'm also not interested. My love life is exciting enough as it is right now,
with gun-wielding husbands and the like. Not that you'd be a potential choice...
Luna arrives back at Aaron's, holding her daughter.
Luna: I'm home! I've got her, Sofis, she's safe...
Luna gets in and looks around at the bizarre scene in Aaron's front room.
Luna: Dear God in Heaven. Nate, put your clothes on. Please. Sofis, what's going on?
Nate: He told me to get undressed or he'd shoot me! Make him put that gun away!
Scene: The Capone's. Courk whips out her cell phone and dials 911.
Courk: Hi operator. We have a umm... accidental uh... stabbing here... 4242 Blue Hat Ave... Merc, apply
pressure to the wound... NO! There's no need for cops, just the ambulance... NO COPS!
Courk turns off her phone.
Courk: Alright, slight problem, the cops are coming to the house. Matt, lets go keep them away from Mith.
Courk and Matt run down the street to hold up the police. Soon they hear sirens in the distance and they
climb into a tree.
Courk: I'll get the first car. When the second one swerves to get around (assuming ther is a second one),
jump on it. That'll block anymore that might be behind it. But be careful, they haev guns and they'll
probably try to shoot us.
As the first car approaches the tree they are crouching in, Courk jumps, kicks through the windshield and
kicks the driver. The car slams into that same tree as Courk falls into the car. It being the only car, Matt
immediately jumps down to help Courk. He opens the passenger door and tries to pull the cop away from
Matt: Courk, are you alright?
Courk: I think so, Matt...
Cop #1 tries to reach for his gun, but Courk, seeing this, punches him and knocks him cold. Courk climbs
out of the car.
Matt: Let's cuff them together in case they wake up.
The duo finish cuffing the cops just as the ambulance drives by.
Scene: Capone's, 5 minutes later.
Cop #2(the driver): Wha...?
Cop #1: Where are the keys to these things?
Cop #2(moan): Here...
Cop #1 gets on the radio.
Cop #1: We need some assistance at Pixie-Sprite Ave., near Blue Hat Ave. We were attacked by two
people jumping out off a tree, their names were Matt and Courk. They seemed to be some kind of ninjas
with those moves. Our car crashed into the tree, too.
Operator: OK, we'll start a search for them. Can you give a description?
Cop #1: Yeah...
Scene: Aaron's house.
Luna: Well, I suggest you put your clothes back on, or I will shoot you. Sofis, I think we need to talk.
She glances at Nate.
Nate: Somewhere else, preferably.
Nate: Well, you might want to do something with your kid. I don't really think she should be near that guy.
Luna: I said put your clothes on!
She turns to Sofis.
Luna: Give me that gun.
Nate: Whoa, hold it. I'm getting dressed already.
Ever seen Superman put back on his clothes? Yep, you got it.
Nate: But I still think you shouldn't let that creep anywhere near your sweet innocent child.
Sofis finally manages to close his gaping mouth and then open it again to talk...
Scene: In front of the Capone house.
Mercuria: Dan, can you hold this for a moment? There's something I need to do...
Merc gets up, leaving the bandages to unravel. Dan takes her place and begins to rewrap the wound.
Everybody else at the scene, still in shock or occupied by their own thoughts, stares off into space or talks
blankly. Nobody notices Merc sweep the sword behind her arm as she leaves for the woods.
Scene: Back in front of Mith's and Luna's house. The cops have just arrived, and, in light of the attack on
the two officers previously sent, they are decked out, and fully prepared to protect themselves.
Merc(to "friends"): Okay, everybody, let me do all the talking... officials don't understand ninja tradition...
(breathlessly, to cops) There's some strange tree in there... we had a fight, and he was chasing me, and he
just fell... and there was blood, and... (cries, shrieks) LOOK at him!!!
Cop: It's okay... do you know where the tree was? Our information was that it was a stabbing. We'd like to
see the tree.
Merc: Okay... (sniff) It's this way
Merc leads the cops and the rest of the bewildered people into the woods and stops by a seemingly random
tree. Flashlights, originally lighting the path, shoot up to the tree, revealing the sword seen earlier, buried
to the hilt, with the blade protruding out the other side of the trunk. Fresh blood dripped from the sword's
exposed blade. Apparently at the sight of the blood, Merc begins crying wildly and runs away, back toward
Mith and Dan, who was still tending to his wounds as the sound of the ambulance passes the residence.
With a panic-stricken look on her face, Merc runs straight for the two, collapsing into a sobbing mass onto
Mith's body, which had gone limp. She quickly pulls a blood-soaked bandage from within her blood-stained
shirt and stuffs it back into the pile of bandages absorbing Mith's blood. She then turns to cry on Dan's
shoulder. Others emerge from the woods, even more confused than they were before the cops showed up.
Officers lagged behind to take pictures of the scene. The ambulance's siren begins to grow louder. The
lights of the ambulance round the corner into the massive driveway of the Capone‟s, and a shadowy figure
is visible running in front of the ambulance. As they near the lights, Merc recognizes the runner.
Lepton(breathlessly): I was pushing the chasis of my Mazda down the road, when the ambulance passed
me. When I came by here and saw him, (points to Mith's body in the ambulance) I ran after it.
Merc: thank you... you want to ride to the hospital with him?
Without a word, Lepton hops into the ambulance. Merc turns and heads for her car, keys in hand. Dan runs
up and puts his hand on the passenger door handle.
Merc(completely tearless): I thought I told you to leave me alone.
Dan: This isn't about us anymore. Mith needs us.
Merc: Mith's strong, and he's gone through worse. He'll be fine.
Dan: But I'd still like to be there for him... please?
Merc: Fine, get in.
Dan looks at Merc's face, glances at the spot on his shoulder where her tears had left a wet spot on his
shirt, and shoots her an inquisitive look. The look Merc gives back to him was enough to make him look at
his feet. The two get into the car and rip off after the ambulance, which was already halfway to the
hospital. Courk and Matt walk back to house, and find that Mith is already gone. Courk pulls a random
person aside, and comes back with the story.
Courk: I think Merc cleared you. Officially, a tree stabbed Mith.
Matt: A WHAT?!?!?
Courk: I think you should just accept it. And maybe lay low for a while.
Matt: I want to visit him. I need to see him.
Courk: I don't know if that's possible...
Scene: Lepton is in the back of the ambulance with an unconscious Mith. Lepton reaches into a small
velvet sack tied to his belt, removing a tiny vial full of crystals
Lepton: Your future, Mith, is written in the stars. You are to be the one who brings unity to this town
Lepton leans over Mith's immotile body, and sprinkles the crystals in his eyes, his mouth, and over his heart
Lepton: Your eyes will treat you to great truths, and your mouth will speak great visions, but only you can
decide what happens in your heart. Only you can restore order. Only you can bring peace. It is written in
the stars that you must do these things. Only you...
Lepton replaces the vial and withdraws a small shimmering stone from his sack. He places the stone in
Mith's hand, and closes his fist.
Lepton: You will rise.
Ambulance Driver: Pardon me bud?
He turns his head, but Lepton has disappeared, for now.
Scene: Back to Aaron's house.
Luna: That creep, as it happens, will shortly have a sweet innocent child of his own, so I guess he'd better
get used to them.
She turns to Sofis.
Luna: Omega called while I was out. It's true.
Luna: Can we please talk?
Sofis nods. Luna takes his hand and they walk off into another room, rather foolishly leaving Nate alone
with the contents of the bar.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Chez Quail, 8:15. DPW is standing alone by the bar, well dressed, with his one rose. Eykir and
Elayne enter and are seated after Eykir presses a 50 into the maitre'd's pocket. DPW looks at the clock and
heads for the door, where he bumps into LET, accidentally pressing the flower into her hand.
LET: For me? How sweet. No thorns? Is that supposed to mean something?
DPW is embarrassed about this.
DPW: Our table is ready.
LET: You said something about Mith earlier.
DPW: There'll be time for that later. But I don't discuss business before the salad course.
LET looks irked, but goes with him and waits patiently until she can find out what his connection to Mith
Scene: The Capones'. Sounds of a fight come from the woods near the Capone residence. Courk and Matt
go to see what is happening. They find Merc's younger sister Plexer, carrying a torn parachute, Mith's
sword, and a couple of branches from a strange tree.
Plexer: Do you know who decided to give that tree over there a sword? It almost killed me... and it tore my
parachute. I managed to defeat it though, with my amazing ninja skillz! BTW, have you seen my sister? I
think I saw her just leave, but that tree stopped me before I could get to her.
Plexer glares at the tree, which now has many holes in it and branches cut off.
Matt(to Courk): She's related to Merc?
Courk(confused by the recent use of the phrase "amazing ninja skillz"): Looks like it...
Scene: Just outside the woods, about 5 seconds later. Courk looks disdainfully at Plexer for a while before
Courk: Mith'll probably be in surgery for a while, wanna hurry to the Ninja Academy to get your sword
and official ninja robes now before we go to the hospital?
Plexer: That sounds like fun! Let's go!
Courk: Whoa, back up there. Let's is a contraction of "let us," which implies me, Matt, and... YOU. You're
Matt: You can't leave her here when everyone else went to the hospital. Whispering to Courk. Look how
helpless she is out here. She nearly got killed by a tree! A TREE! And I think it's pretty dangerous to think
you have "ninja err… skillz" when you definitely don't. For her own sake we have to take her.
Courk: ...Dear Lord, no.
Matt: If she stays here alone she'll get hurt and Merc'll hate us.
Courk: Bah at you! Why do you have to make sense?
Courk: Sigh. Alright, you can come.
Plexer: Cool! So where is this Ninja School?
Matt: The hills just north of town.
Plexer: Do you think I can impress them with my mad ninja skillz?
Plexer: Really? Are you sure?
Plexer: So it must be a really tough school then! How long is the training?
Matt: 3-5 years usually, depending on how good you are.
Plexer: So how long did it take you to hone your ninja skillz, Matt?
Matt: 5 years.
Plexer: Courk, how long did it take you?
Courk: My God! Can you close your mouth for one second?
Plexer: Can you answer my question?
Courk: 3 years. Will you shut up now? We're almost there.
The trio walks up the stairs to see the greatest Ninja Master of all. There is an old ninja sitting on a pillow
in the middle of the room. He obviously commands a lot of respect because the two real ninjas bow to him.
Master Kyouran: Welcome, Mouko, what brings you here? Turns to look at Matt. And are you Shis
Matt: Err, umm...yeah...
Courk: Master Kyouran, Matt has just defeated another ninja warrior and has earned his sword and robes.
Master Kyouran: Have you now, Ryoushi? Which warrior did you defeat?
Master Kyouran: Shado-kei? How did you manage that? He was one of my best students.
Matt: He, err, seemed a bit distracted.
Master Kyouran: Ah. A ninja must never be distracted. A ninja must focus all his or her attention toward
the fight at hand.
Master Kyouran stands up and walks over to a locked case over in the corner.
Master Kyouran: Here is your sword. It's a lot heavier than the wooden training one.
Master Kyouran picks up a stack of robes.
Master Kyouran: And these are your robes. Congratulations, Ryoushi, you are now a full ninja. I'll send
you an apprentice once we get a new class in.
Plexer: Master Q-an, did you have my cousin for a student?
Master Kyouran: Who is your cousin?
Master Kyouran's eyes get very wide.
Master Kyouran: Ah yes, I remember him. All he wanted to do was learn ninja fighting skills and use
them for evil. I never knew what happened to him after he dropped out of the school...
Courk: You mean he's not a full ninja?
Master Kyouran: He didn't have the patience to learn the correct way to fight. He wanted to use pure
strength to attack, he didn't want to learn the ninja way of waiting for the opportunity to strike down you
opponent. The only thing he mastered while he went here was the Flying Monkey, but everything else
about his fighting technique is brute force.
Plexer: My sister said Chuck was back in town...
Courk and Matt: WHAT?!
Courk: We gotta stop him. From what I've heard so far all he wants to do is cause trouble.
Matt: Master Kyouran, do you know anything that might be useful to us when we fight him?
Master Kyouran: He has non-stop attacks, and he also has a lot of stamina. Just remember to wait for your
opening to attack, and make sure he doesn't run you in a corner.
Matt: Thankyou, Master.
Courk: We better head back to town and check on Mith.
Courk and Matt bow to Master Kyouran.
Scene: Pika heads toward the ninja school to learn new fighting skills. At the school Pika is filling out a
Pika(to self): Name? Pikachamp… Occupation? None… Past occupation? Psychic gender? Male…
Preferred ninja name? ...Shuurai.
Scene: Purgatory. Death and Mephistopholes are playing cards.
Death: I'VE GOT TWO PAIR - JACKS AND KINGS
Mephistopholes: I've got five aces....
He puts his cards down on the table.
Death: BAH. THAT'S THE SEVENTH TIME YOU GOT FIVE ACES TODAY.
Mephistopholes: Well, you were the one who dealt the cards... Anyway... I have to save Nate from the
clutches of the Capone family. He's of no use to me in his current situation.
Mephistopholes leaves through the doorway marked 'EXIT'.
Scene: Master Kyouran stands in silence in front of a large hole (like a window without glass), staring off
at the horizon. He in deep in thought, because his brow is twitching, but his body seems to be at ease.
Behind him, Lepton shimmers into existence.
Master Kyouran: I was hoping you'd come.
Lepton: The balance of nature was upset. You need my assistance, old friend.
Master Kyouran: I suppose so.
Lepton: You are too easy on your students. That's how Chuck was accepted.
Master Kyouran: with anger in his eyes Never!
There is silence. These two have obviously fought before.
Lepton: Chuck must be stopped.
Master Kyouran: Yes, he must. I, however, am too old to do the task.
Lepton: Nor am I fit enough. There is someone, though... I have seen her fight, she is brave, she could
Master Kyouran: Who is this one?
Lepton: Her name is Mercuria...
Scene: A black TT coupé is seen traveling north on the small two-lane road leading from the Capone house
to the main road. Merc and Dan sit silently inside, staring at the asphalt ahead.
Dan: I thought your car was silver. I remember it being silver.
Merc: I have a silver one too. They're slightly different.
Merc: This one's darker.
Dan opens his mouth, then closes it again. Merc shoots a meaningful look in his direction for a split before
directing her attention back to the road.
Dan: Oh. (Pause) What's the speed limit on this road? We're probably speeding.
A small laugh escapes Merc's closed mouth. Dan looks over for any softening in her demeanor.
Merc: I doubt there's a single road in this state where driving 90 would be legal... especially not a winding
road like this one.
Dan shoves one hand at the dash, one at Merc's headrest, and stares at the speedometer.
Dan: We're not going ninety! You're way over 100!
Dan's head swings around with a sign seemingly traveling in the other direction.
Dan: Oh, God, Merc? That "winding road" sign just said 15!!!
Merc: We're close enough to the ground that you don't feel that fast. Besides, the ground's dry, the tires can
Merc looks at Dan, who is just settling back into his seat.
Merc: So can I.
Dan: I know; that's not what I meant. It's just – I just didn't notice. Um, what gear are you in?
Dan: There's a sixth gear?
Merc: On this car. not on the silver one.
Dan: So they really are different.
Merc: More than you'd think. Hang on tight, I've got to lose the tail.
Dan: You've got a tail?
He looks over his right shoulder.
Merc puts the TT in neutral and coasts around the curves, lightly tapping the brakes before each turn. At
35, Merc shifts into fourth and cruises for a few turns before tapping her breaks twice, downshifting and
shooting off, gunning to 70 before leveling off her speed. She keeps one eye on the road and another on the
green Lexus in the rearview mirror. The occupants of the Lexus, now aware that she is playing with them,
try to catch up, and drive right up to her tail. As they approach the intersection, Merc speeds up once
again, pulling away from the Lexus. Just before the intersection, she jerks the car to the right and pulls her
handbrake. As the car turns to the right, she lets up on the brake and drives straight again. The Lexus, not
able to react quickly enough, drives right past the intersection. Merc kicks in the clutch, then puts her heel
and toe on the gas and the brake, respectively. She slows the car to a stop on the blindly winding road as
she slowly builds the rpm, just to let it drop again and start all over. The car comes to a halt, and Merc
throws the car into reverse, using the last "vroom" to pull backwards into a driveway on the right, nearly
hidden in trees. She pulls the handbrake and looks over at dan, who she had ignored since she told him to
hang on. The blood had drained from his face entirely.
Merc: Breathe, it'll be okay. You can trust me.
Dan: Who are they?
Merc: My guess would be Giovanni goons. Could be wrong, though...
Whatever Dan was preparing to say is cut off by the Lexus driving past the driveway. Merc takes a deep
breath, then eases the car out of the driveway, turns left, and drives off in the other direction, toward the
hospital. Painfully aware of the detriment to her speed and, consequently, her time to see Mith, Merc shifts
smoothly and quickly, taking care not to let the small red needle indicating her rpm even approach the 3,
for fear of the noise.
Merc: So what are you doing here?
Dan: What do you care? You left first, remember?
Merc: I'm sorry... I had to.
Dan: I don't even get an explanation. That's how it always is with you.
Merc: You're just along for the ride, remember?
Dan: You started this conversation.
The two ride in silence to the hospital. Once there, Merc pulls up to the entrance of the doctor's lot. The
attendant waves her through.
Merc: Don't ask.
Dan: I've known you long enough to know not to.
The pair make their way the waiting room, where the Lepton sits alone in an oversized chair.
Lepton: The surgery's going well, according to the nurse that came out about ten minutes ago. What took
you so long?
Dan: Don't remind me. Please.
All three fall silent as the surgeon emerges from the OR...
Scene: Aaron's House. Nate is pouring himself a drink from Aaron's bar when Mephistopheles appears in
the room behind him.
Nate knocks his drink over and quickly turns around.
Nate: It's you again... What do you want this time?
Mephistopheles pours himself a drink.
Mephistopheles: Why do you sound so annoyed, Nate? I'm here to rescue you from your captors, after
Nate: But... I like them! They're really nice people when you get to know them... especially-
Mephistopheles: I'm doing this because I also need to ask a favour of you.
Nate: I'd rather stay here though...
Mephistopheles produces a large, demonic-looking gun from nowhere, and points it at Nate's head. Best
not to overdo the demon powers, you need to save the good ones for the real corruption...
Mephistopheles: Remember, I can go back on our little deal...
Nate: If I said "No fair" would you leave me alone?
Nate: Dern. Oh ok, I'll come with you.
They disappear in a cloud of purple smoke. With triangles.
Scene: The hospital. The surgeon emerges and Merc gets up to talk to him.
Merc: Is he ok?
Surgeon: The surgery went well... he's still in critical condition though. He has a concussion, which is
slowing down his body's ability to heal. It might be good for him if someone was there with him.
Sometimes that helps. Maybe his wife or kids or something. Are you Mrs. Capone?
Merc: Er... no... she's... not here. I'm his best friend. I'd like to go in and be with him, if that's ok.
Surgeon: Sure. We'll get him to his room, you can walk with him there.
Merc: Thank you, Doctor.
The surgeon goes back into the OR, and a few minutes later, they roll a pale looking unconscious Mith out.
Merc walks over, takes his hand, and walks with them to his room, while Dan and Lepton follow at a
Voice coming out of nowhere: Welcome back to "Days of our Mafia". As you might remember, Mith is
recovering from surgery, while Merc, Dan, and Lepton sit at his bedside hoping for a full recovery.
Master Kyouran has recently given Matt his Ninja status, but is he a true Ninja? Remember that Mith could
barely let him win.
Luna's evil twin is dining with DPW, and it seems that they have information to share.
IS is appearing on Bravo's show, and the mafia scum types are planning something big.
Chuck and The Master still hold Mith and Luna's child, James, but with Mith in the hospital, all efforts to
find him have come to a halt. Dan knows where James is, but hasn't been able to tell Mith yet. There is a
battle brewing between Mith and his bitter enemy, Chuck. Will Mith recover in time to defeat Chuck and
save his child? Will Merc have to step in to save the town from Master's evil plans? Will Luna and Mith
ever get back together? Who stole the crystal? Will we ever understand the symbolism of the rose thorns?
Will Nate hit on Mephistopheles? Will these questions ever end?
And now, for "Days of our Mafia"...
Scene: Mith's hospital room. On the other side of his room lies another patient, a man in his late fifties who
appears to be unconscious. The doc, seeing Mith is doing fine for the moment, heads over to check on this
other patient. Just then, a nurse walks into the room and they begin to discuss the patient‟s condition
Doctor: This patient has been comatose for 10 years, I don't see why we can't pull the plug. We've done
everything we can to save him. He must be a vegetable.
Nurse: His estate pays the hospital very well to keep him alive.
Doctor: True, but this patient gives me the creeps. I wish we could just pull the plug. Can't we at least
move him to an outpatient facility?
Nurse: That is not what his estate wants. And with the money they pay us, they get what they want.
Doctor: What's this patient's name again?
Nurse: His name is Ataraxy Browne. Other than that, and the fact his estate is loaded, we don't know much
about him or his past.
Just then the patient's eyes begin to flutter, more activity than this patient has shown in 10 years. His eyes
fly open and he stares blankly for a minute. He sees the doctor and the nurse standing before him as his
vision comes into focus. He then spies Mith, Merc, and Dan across the room. His face shows a look of
consternation. He grimaces wildly. Then he mutters something under his breath in a husky whisper. His
words sound like..."Baloney."
Scene: A dark and dank room, filled with wardrobes. Several sets of overalls and pink flowery dresses lie
in the shape of a pentagram.
Cody: Oh Mephisto, great lord of hate, I summon you forth through the medium of very, very bad fashion
Mephisto(rising from the ground through mists of balefire): Yes, my child?
Cody: Long ago, I traded my soul with you in return for the mystical artifact, the "Stopwatch of appropriate
attire". But since I got it, it has provided me with the exact opposite of what was appropriate, or kinky-
leather-fetish-style clothes. Can I get a refund? Or at least can you fix it?
Mephisto: No. Unless you wreak havoc and sow seeds of evil wherever you go.
Mephisto: Fine then. No more free leather clothes for you!
Cody: ARGH! Fine. When do you fix the stopwatch then?
Mephisto: NEVER!! MUAHAHAHAHA!! (cough cough splutter) Um...I mean as soon as you oust the
Capones. All of them.
Cody: All right then.
Mephisto: Excellent. Now, I rename the "Stopwatch of appropriate attire" as the "Stopwatch of bad fashion
sense, kinky leather fetishes and ire"!! MUAHAHAHA!!
Much devilish fanfare and balefire, Mephisto laughs evilly and sinks into the pentagram, yadda yadda
Cody: Damn. Ah well.
Cody picks up the stopwatch and clicks it twice. It beeps on the second press, and his clothes change into
scampy leather clothes accompanied by a whip.
Scene: Nate looks around the room, and is COMPLETELY confused. But strangely, he thinks the boy in
leather clothes reminds him of a pianist he once new… and told him that the music room wasn't used
exclusively for music. He then shudders mightily.
Nate repeats his previous comment a few times.
Nate: Huh? Huh? Huh? Why does everybody want to have a joke at my expense?
Scene: Tenshi's house. Father Antrax walks to greet the new resident in Salem. He's holding his bible, a
greeting card and a wrapped up present. He quickly climbs up the trail to Tenshi's house, and knocks on
Tenshi(from inside): Go away. I ain't buying.
Antrax: Hello there, Tenshi. I have come to welcome you to our fair town.
Antrax: Please do not be alarmed. This town does have a couple of negative elements in it, but it is just
me, the humble servant of God.
Tenshi walks up to the door and peeks through the hole, to see the ever smiling Father Antrax standing on
the other end of it, holding his bible and looking goofy. He shrugs and starts opening the door
Tenshi: Uhh, it'll just be a moment
Tenshi starts unlocking all the locks, turning all the bars, bolts, etc. About a minute afterwards, the door
opens, and he grabs Antrax by the arm and pulls him inside
Tenshi: Did anyone follow you here?
Antrax: But of course.
Antrax: My son, the eye of God is on me at all times. His spirit gives me strength wherever I go. His-
Tenshi: Okay, okay. Shut up. I meant someone with a body.
Antrax: My son, you shouldn't be so agressive. Wrath is one of the seven deadly sins, and it will tarnish
your everlasting soul.
Tenshi: So what the hell do you want?
Antrax flinches a bit when the word 'hell' is mentioned, then regains his usual smile.
Antrax: There is no need to use such words, my son. I have come to welcome you to our fair town.
Tenshi: What words?
Antrax: The community of Salem is happy to welcome you, Tenshi.
Tenshi: What are you talking about?
Antrax: Here, take this gift, on behalf of everyone here.
Antrax hands Tenshi the gift.
Tenshi: JESUS F***! HIT THE DECK!
Tenshi kicks the present, then dives into the next room. Upon landing, he quickly rolls over and draws one
of his guns. He stays low and crawls back into the hall, expecting to see Antrax blown to bits by the charge.
Instead he sees a very shocked Antrax praying to god to forgive the blasphemy
Tenshi: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? WHO ARE YOU
Antrax: ...amen. My name is Father Antrax. I have come to say hello on behalf of the town. I serve the will
of the almighty God, the great maker.
Antrax looks sadly on the fine china bowl, still in wraps, now smashed after landing on the floor due to
Antrax: That was supposed to be your welcome present. I can see that you are lost and need the guidance
Tenshi: ...Well, actually I just need someone to tell me where the guild of the flying monkey is-
Antrax: ...and I'll be more than happy to help you realise the will of the great one. Just come to the church
on Sunday and-
Tenshi: ...actually I really think I can live without-
Antrax: ...meet the rest of our fine community as they gather to praise the wonders of God.
Tenshi(suddenly interested): You mean everyone come to church every Sunday?
Antrax: Why, of course. The Sunday sermon is one of the cornerstones of the community life in Salem.
Why, I still remember my first sermon. How long ago that seems…
Tenshi watches as Antrax drifts into another endless blabber
Tenshi: You know what, I think I WILL attend the next Sunday sermon. Thank you for your help, Father.
Antrax stares at the bill, confused. Then he smiles and takes it.
Antrax: The poor of our community thank you. I hope to see you on Sunday. Have a nice day!
Antrax turns around and exists the house, and Tenshi again locks the door, while muttering to himself
Tenshi(to himself): Hmm, everyone gather every Sunday... well... that's interesting...
Scene: Aaron‟s spare bedroom. Sofis and Luna walk in and sit down on the bed, Luna still holding the
(convieniently) sleeping Sofia. She puts her down gently, and takes Sofis‟s hand.
Sofis: It‟s really true, then?
Sofis: I‟m going to have a baby. Wait… I mean… it is mine? How would you know?
Luna: Sofis, it‟s yours. The dates work out exactly. And besides, well, uh… Mith and I weren‟t really
planning on having any more... you know?
Sofis doesn‟t know what to say, and falls silent.
Luna: Sofis… that‟s not all I wanted to tell you. You see, Omega didn‟t quite understand what‟s been
happening… so he called Mith to congratulate him. And, well, let‟s just say he hasn‟t taken the news too
well. He‟s in the hospital.
Sofis looks startled. Quietly, Luna relates the story of mith‟s attempt at suicide-by-ninja-combat. I‟m not
going to write the dialogue for this, because you all know what happened, and it would be tedious to have
to read it again.
Sofis(horrified): So he‟s in the hospital? Is he alright?
Luna: I think he will be. I stopped him before he could really damage himself. But he‟s obviously not very,
Sofis: So… where does this leave us, Luna?
Luna: I don‟t know what to do.
Luna‟s voice is shaking a little now, although she is not – and I wish to be very clear about this – crying.
Luna: I hate seeing him like this. And I miss my children.
Sofis(quietly): Do you want to go back to them?
Luna(also quietly): I don‟t know. I… I love you, Sofis.
Scene: Nate, in wherever it was when we last saw him. Nate is still looking bewildered and saying „Huh?‟
when he sees a strange, shimmering mist appear in front of him and gradually solidify into a more-or-less
Nate: Oh, no. What‟s happening now? Look, it wasn‟t like this last time I was here. What‟s going on? And
what are you, anyway? I haven‟t seen anything like you down here before. They tend to be less…
shimmery. And more demonic.
Lepton: What I am isn‟t important right now. I need you back on earth. Do you know of a young man
named Mithrandir Capone?
Nate: I… may have heard that name, yes. In passing.
Lepton: It‟s very important that he should be kept alive. If I return your soul to earth, I need you to help
Nate thinks about this for rather less than a second before accepting. And so it is that he and Lepton return
to the mortal realm; specifically, Aaron‟s kitchen.
Scene: Mith's hospital room. Mith lies, unconscious and pale, on his bed, as a nurse checks over him. Merc
refuses to let them remove her from his side, and Dan refuses to let *anyone* remove him from hers.
Lepton paces the hospital, disappearing occasionally, though no one can ever quite recall where they saw
him last. Merc touches Mith's cheek lightly. Merc speaks to him occasionally, hoping her voice will help
the healing process.
Merc: Oh Mith... It'll be ok... you'll make it, and you'll be happy again, I promise. We can go rescue your
son, and Luna will see that she has messed up, and it'll all be better... Don't leave us, please...
It is this voice that wakes Ataraxy. But he doesn't see her face, at first, as she is facing Mith. When he sees
Mith's face, though, images suddenly come rushing back to him...
Flashback: Scene: A small house, 10 years ago. Mith and Luna, childhood sweethearts, sit at the kitchen
table, and Luna holds Mith's hand as he blows out candles on his cake. A camera flash goes off, and Mith
grins. The entire room is heard, singing happy birthday to Mith, but their faces are blurry to Ataraxy's
memory. Luna leans over and kisses Mith's cheek. Everyone gets up, as Mith opens his presents.
Later, Mith and Luna are sitting outside, in a swing, slowly rocking. Luna now has her head on his
shoulder. Ataraxy watches silently, and they are completely unaware of him as they aren't thinking of
anything but each other. Ataraxy senses someone next to him, but continues to focus on the couple.
Luna(grinning somewhat suggestively): So, sweetheart... you're 16 now...
Mith(grinning also): Yeah... I guess I am...
Luna: I love you...
Mith: I love you too... Thank you for the lovely party... I don't quite understand why your family was so
eager to celebrate with me...
Luna: Well, I felt bad about your family being gone on your birthday, and I figured you might like to be
Mith: Well, there's certainly no one I would rather be with than you... er... do you think you could come
back with me to my house for a while? We... er...
Mith fails to come up with a reasonable excuse, so Luna shuts him up with a kiss.
Luna: I'd love to. Let me check with my uncle.
They smile at each other, and Luna gets up to ask. She comes back out, grinning, and pulls him up. Then
they drive off in his new car, his first time to drive her somewhere legally.
A voice beside Ataraxy: Bah, there they go... lucky kid.
Ataraxy turns to see a younger IS, and his son, Deth, behind him.
Ataraxy: Yeah, they do...
Seeing Deth looking a bit bothered, Ataraxy walks over to him.
Ataraxy: You still bothered by them, son? I told you, you'll find someone soon enough.
IS: Yeah, and until then I can find you some people to boink.
IS looks at Ataraxy, who doesn't seem to be happy about the word "boink" being associated with his son.
IS: Er... I mean...
Ataraxy shakes his head, and the two guys go back to hit on one of the other people at the party, a girl that
Ataraxy doesn't know, Mith's best friend...
Scene: Back in the present.
Ataraxy(to self): I remember now... IS betrayed us... he betrayed us all, for that Capone girl. Gave our
lives to the Lorenzos... They shot me... I wonder if they got my son too... My son. IS *will* pay. I wonder
if Mith ended up with Luna... I should make them *all* pay.
He suddenly remembers where he is, and wonders how long he as been in this place. It's then that Merc
turns her head, and he recognizes her as his shooter...
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: Aaron's house. Luna is trying to cope with her conflicting loves, when Sofis speaks.
Sofis: Let's go.
Sofis: Have you eaten?
Luna: No, but what about Sofia?
Sofis: She's sleeping. She's a little young to get addicted to frost, so Aaron's moderately trustworthy POOF!
...and Nate's here, too.
Before Luna can protest any more, Sofis has put her coat around her and more or less carried her out the
door. They get in Aaron's car and head for town.
Scene: Chez Quail, a little bit later. Eykir and Elayne are just finishing their dinner; and DPW and LET
have just finished the main course when Luna and Sofis walk in.
LET: Now, what is this about Mith?
DPW is about to speak, when he notices the newest arrivals to the restaurant.
DPW: Excuse me for a moment.
He stands up and goes to a phone booth where he can overhear Luna and Sofis arguing with the maitre'd.
Luna: Do you know who I am?
Employee: Yes, ma'am. You're Luna Capone. I'm afraid I can't bump another party this evening. If you
don't have a reservation, I won't be able to seat you.
Sofis: This is not the kind of person you want to make angry. How much? $50? $100?
Employee: That's not the point, sir. We have a reputation to maintain. If the Pope himself were to walk
through that door and offer me the Archdiocese of Salem, I still couldn't seat him.
At this point, Luna's phone rings.
Luna: What? ...He has? ...He does?...I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Sofis, Mith's regained consciousness,
and he wants to see me. (To the restauranteur) You're one lucky man.
The two of them leave, and DPW walks slowly back to his table.
LET: What was that about?
DPW: Your sister was just here. Apparently Mith had been hurt and he's just regained consciousness.
LET: Uh, thanks for a wonderful evening. We must do this again, sometime. Bye!
She hurries out of the restaurant, leaving a confused DPW behind. At the next table, upon hearing mith's
name, Elayne turns in surprised recognition. She sees LET leaving and speaks to DPW.
Elayne: Excuse me, did you say "Mith," as in Mith Capone?
DPW: That's right. Do you know him?
Elayne ignores his question and turns back to her dinner partner.
Elayne: Eykir, can you take me to the hospital? It‟s important.
Eykir(confused): Uh, sure.
The two of them leave as well, leaving DPW in a rapidly emptying restaurant.
DPW: When in Rome...
He pays the check and heads out to his car and follows everyone else to the "DOOM character reunion" in
Mith's hospital room.
Scene: Cody's room. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT in hell, but the bad fasion makes it look that
Cody: Hey you. Yeah, tall dark and looking either decidedly demonic or supernatural. What's that you said
about Mith Capone?
Lepton: Um... Nothing. Why?
Cody: Oh. Uh... Nothing.
Cody looks around while whisltling, and with his hands behind his back, he ties the stopwatch to the end of
his whip. He turns quickly, and loops the whip around Leptons neck, so that he catches the stopwatch on
the backlash. He then beeps it twice.
Lepton: You bastrard!!
He looks down at the set of overalls, with red stitch, and a pink undershirt.
Lepton: The overalls may have conquored me, but (gasp) I will never tell you where Mith is!!!!
He presses the button on his stopwatch again.
Lepton: The orange, flowery, gardening-style dress may have conquored me, but (gasp) I will never tell
you where Mith is!!!!
He presses the button on his stopwatch again.
Lepton: The S-CLUB 7 outfit has conquored me, but (gasp) I will never tell you where Mith is!!!!
Honestly! Now PLEASE, stop dressing me with that thing!!!
Cody: Double bugger...
Scene: Nate is looking at the recently slammed door.
Nate: But... What the... Hello? What's going on here? Ummm... and did they just leave me alone with
Sofia. Hah! I think I will do horrible and terrible things. For starters I'll teach her how to play blackjack.
Nate nudges the still conveniently sleeping Sofia.
Nate: Hey kid, get up.
Nate: Shut up, kid. There's noone around to hear you and I have no problems with taping your mouth shut.
So, do you want to play cards or not?
Sofia: Wahhhhh -
Nate's lips curl up in the most horrifying manner you could imagine. Sofia tries to look real sweet and
innocent and so on.
Nate: Good. So, do you know how to play blackjack?
Sofia shakes her head.
Nate: Dammit kid, didn't your mother teach you anything? Alright, it goes like this: Each card is worth so
and so many points and you're trying to get as close to 21 as possible without breaking 21. Get it?
Sofia looks like a kid who doesn't understand how to play blackjack. Hey wait, that is what she is. So, umm,
she looks like, umm, a jury member who's having quantum physics explained to him by Strom Thurman.
There. That's better.
Nate: Fine. Let's take this a step at a time.
Nate and Sofia start playing blackjack for pennies. After an hour Nate is down $143.56.
Nate: Hey, listen. I was planning on giving you the money back if I won. So, you know, it'd be really nice
if I could have that back. Especially because all I've got left is a dollar.
Sofia gives him a look she must have learned from watching her mother.
Nate: Alright, fine. See if I care. I don't need it anyway. Now just sit there and don't move while I go get
something to drink. Want anything? Vodka?
***Scooby Doo Baba***
Scene: Baba‟s Apartment. The phone rings, waking Baba up. She sees her alarm clock and it reads
2:26AM. It is her cousin, Luna Capone, who is on the phone.
Luna: Hey, Baba. Look I‟m sorry that I‟m calling so late but I was wondering if you could please watch
the kids for me again. Nate is with Sofia right now and I just don‟t feel safe without him there. If you don‟t
want to watch them, then you can just point a gun at Nate the whole time to make sure he‟s not hurting
Sofia or trying to kidnap her again.
Baba: Yeah, sure. I will. How‟s Mith doing?
Luna: Oh, he‟s doing well. He woke up. But I‟m not sure how he‟s doing mentally. He tried to kill himself
and disguise it as Matt‟s final test to be a true ninja.
Baba: Well, give him my sympathy. I‟m sure he‟ll understand why I can‟t be there.
Luna: Alright, I will. Goodbye, Baba.
Baba: Bye, Luna.
Baba hangs up her cell phone and gets into her big SUV car. She drives all the way over to the Capones‟
home to find a smiling Sofia say “Gin!” and Nate slamming his fist on the coffee table.
Baba: Sofia, I see that you learned from the best card shark in all of Salem.
Nate: Bah! I was going to win that game!
Baba pulls out her gun and aims it at Nate‟s head. Nate rolls his eyes, knowing that this was like the
millionth time someone has pointed a loaded gun at them.
Baba: Ok, Sofia, you can go back to sleep. I‟m just making sure here that Nate doesn‟t try to pull any more
tricks on you.
Nate: So, Baba, you look great in that outfit.
Scene: Master‟s secret lab.
The Master: Are you sure it will work?
El Blobbo: Of course. Now, remember you have to be careful with it, or you'll be playing against death. If
used properly, all will forget that they forget you.
The Master smirks.
The Master: Thank you.
Scene: Soon after getting off the phone with Baba, Luna arrives, with Sofis, at the hospital. The check in
with the receptionist and walk back to Mith's room. They start to walk in, but Dan comes out and stops
Sofis, as everyone suddenly realizes how bad it would be for Mith to see Sofis right now. Luna walks in
alone. Merc is by Mith's bed, still holding his hand, talking to him softly, while Mith struggles to stay
awake. Merc turns and sees Luna, and motions her over.
Mith(sleepily): Luna? I've been asking for you...
Luna: Yes, I know, they called me as soon as you woke up.
Mith: I'm glad that you're here... no one will tell me what I'm doing here... I'm in alot of pain, but I don't
know why... what happened honey?
Luna looks puzzled, and turns to Merc. Merc pulls her aside, and whispers to her.
Merc: He's been like this ever since he woke up. Claims he can't remember how he got here. Doctors say
he might have some sort of partial amnesia... maybe from that nice little lump on his head.
Luna: I didn't think I hit him *that* hard.
Mith: Honey? What's wrong? Why won't anyone tell me what's going on?
Luna: It's ok... listen Mith, I'll tell you what happened later... right now, you need some sleep, ok?
Mith: Ok... where are the kids honey? I want to see them.
Luna: Er... we'll work on that honey... they're with Baba right now.
Mith: Oh, ok...
Mith reaches out for her hand. She's not sure what to do, so she let's him hold it, and sits down next to him.
He finally falls back to sleep.
Scene: In front of Aaron's house, a black, expensive looking car pulls up behind Baba's as she walks in the
door. An older looking man gets out, and walks up to ring the door bell.
Baba(from inside, opening the door): I'll be right back. Don't move.
The door opens. Baba sees the man standing outside and her face lights up. She runs out to hug him.
Baba: Milly! You're back from your vacation!
Millington: Yes, child, indeed I am. I got back as you were leaving, and since no one was home, I thought
I would surprise you. How are Mith and Luna?
Baba: Er... you might want to come inside... I'm watching the kids. And some bookie that's been causing
trouble. I'll tell you everything that's been going on...
They walk inside to talk.
Scene: Mith's hospital room. Merc and Luna are sitting quietly beside Mith's bed while he sleeps. Lepton
reappears, but noone notices, fortunately.
Beep Beep Beep
Luna: What's that?
Merc: Lepton, are you beeping?
Indeed, Lepton's rear end is beeping
Lepton: I can ass-ure you...
Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep
Lepton: This is an odd time for them to be calling... I'll be right back. Mith, don't wake up without me.
Lepton steps into the closet and closes the door behind him. The sound is muffled, but we can make out a
Lepton: ...are ... …llamas ...good ... …for ...use ... ...in ... ...Stew...goodbye.
Lepton steps out of the closet
Merc: What was that?
Lepton: The United Council of Wizards and Magicians revoked my membership to... um... forget I said
Luna: Your membership to what?
Lepton: The gym, yes, the gym.
Lepton: Alright! Fine! Just stop with the interrogation, alright? I'm, well, I was a wizard-type. Now, I'm
not, because they took away my powers, stupid UCWM.
Merc: Powers, powers...I see. Can you still fix cars?
Lepton: Maybe... I'll need to try someone's car.
Lepton leaves the room. We hear a great deal of noise, followed by a yip of pain and a long string of
pseudo-profanities. Lepton comes back in, with a large gash in his leg, and his shirt ripped to shreads.
Lepton: Yep, I'm still good. I don't think the Beethoven Concert I promised you is going to happen,
Merc: Yep, yep, whatever. Go get that leg looked after before you lose your lower body through that gash.
Lepton is about to leave when a nurse comes in, sticks him on the recently vacated bed next to Mith, and
runs an IV into his arm.
Scene: Eykir and Elayne are in Eykir's car and on their way to see Mith at the hospital.
Eykir: Look Elayne I don't want to pry, but what is going on here? You seemed to be finally relaxing when
all of the sudden you reacted to the news about Mith Capone. How do you even know him? We are talking
about the same Mith here aren't we? The one who has Mafia connections?
Elayne: Yes Eykir, that Mith Capone.
Eykir: How in the world do you know him?
Elayne: It was a business deal. Nothing more
Eykir: But what business could they have with you?
Elayne: I can't give you any details until I talk to Mith. The reasons for that should be clear. Let's simply
say he needed something done outside his normal channels and considering what he wanted done, I was
more then happy to help him. I think you would have approved of the goal if maybe not the execution of it.
By this time they have arrived at the hospital. After inquiring at the desk to his condition, Elayne proceeds
to Mith's room, Eykir still following her. As she enters the room, Luna looks up. Not recognizing Elayne,
Luna reacts rather sharply
Luna: Who are you? And what do you want?
At the sound of his wife's questioning voice, Mith stirs and wakes up. He looks over to spot Elayne standing
in the room
Flashback: Scene: About 4 years ago. A 22 year old Mith is driving to Luna's apartment to pick her up. He
holds the engagement ring between his fingers, but right now his mind is on the conversation he is having.
On the phone with him is Elayne, a young hacker.
Mith: You're certain you're willing to go through with this?
Elayne: Yes. It'll work. Besides, I need the money.
Mith: Ok. Let's go over this one more time. IS is taking you out tonight, and you will convince him to take
him back to your place. You have the drugs, you can knock him out for a while. All his business files
should be on his computer, somewhere. You can get them. Transfer as much money as you can get away
with to my Swiss account, you'll get your share after we're sure they can't trace it. But remember to leave
enough to make it easy for the cops. IS needs to be put away for a while. It's the only way I can get Luna
out of this place.
Elayne: Ok, ok... I've got it. It'll go fine. Good luck with Luna.
Mith: Thanks... bye Elayne, I'll call you in about a week, lay low until then.
Mith hangs up, and pulls up to Luna's place. He takes a deep breath, grabs the flowers, and proceeds to the
Scene: LET is out in the hallway, wondering what she's doing here. She wants to see Mith... she thinks...
but her sister is in there too... As she is about to enter the room for the 40th time, she catches a glimpse of...
corksscrew curls? She reaches her arm out and stops Sofis.
LET: You're the guy that my sister has a thing for. Aren't you.
Sofis: Ah... you must be Luna's twin that I've heard so much about. What are you doing here? Come to see
LET: Yes. But I suppose I can't go in there right now.
Sofis: Well, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you sneak in tonight...
LET slugs him.
Sofis: Hey! What was that for?
LET(shruging): For hurting Mith. Everyone knows that's my job. After I sneak in tonight, of course.
LET winks at him, and goes back to pacing the hall.
Scene: Mith's hospital room.
Elayne: Hello Mith. It's been four years hasn't it?
Mith(still dazed from his ordeal): Yes it has….. Wait when did you come to Salem? I don't remember you
Elayne: I just arrived. I'm staying with Eykir. The reason I'm here was because I need to talk to you about
the events of four years ago. Considering your condition, now is not the time. I would like to talk to you
though at some point.
Mith: Um, sure. I'll contact you at Eykir's then I guess. When I am feeling better that is.
Elayne looks down and sees Mith clutching Luna's hand.
Elayne: Is this Luna? I never did meet her.
Mith nods his head.
Elayne: I'm glad things worked out you two after all the trouble and worry that you went though. I should
leave you to get your rest.
Elayne says goodbye to Mith and Luna, nods to everyone else in the room before heading out the door, with
Eykir behind her.
Scene: Lepton, having been kicked off his bed, is sitting on the floor under the window flipping through
Scientific American. Luna and Merc are at Mith's side (well, at least on the other bed), silently doing the
"good friend" thing. There is a knock at the door.
Dan: Can I come in?
Dan opens the door, but stops in the middle of the doorway. Lepton is watching Dan, and a wild look grows
in his eyes. Dan smiles, and Lepton glaces over at Merc. There is something in her eyes that he's never seen
before, and Lepton doesn't like it.
Lepton: NO!!! NO!!!
Lepton: NO!!! You can't... he's not... NO!!!
Dan: Dude, what's going on?
He becomes alarmingly quiet.
Lepton: I must go...go fix car...fix car...
Amid startled faces, Lepton dashes out the door, stoping only long enough to push Dan out of his way.
Once in the hallway, he almost runs over LET, but has second thoughts. He takes the crowbar from LET's
hands and runs down the hallway. Out the door and into the woods he goes, in a wild rage, crowbar in
hand. Back inside, Merc is receiving inquisituve looks from Dan and Luna.
Dan: What was that all about?
Merc: I don't know.
Luna: I haven't seen anyone run like that since I torched the town hall, all those years ago.
Merc and Luna return to watching Mith, and Dan plants himself on the floor near Merc.
Cody: Bugger! You'll be the first to go, mafia scum!
He presses the button on his stopwatch twice, and, clothed in SCUBA gear, sets out for HattyDooBaba
Scene: Back in Mith's hospital room, Luna sits by Mith's bed as Merc sits on the foot of it, with her legs
Dangling over the end. Dan, at first, is out of sight, but, as the camera pans, he's seen sitting on the floor
next to Merc's legs, leaning on the end of Mith's bed. Merc has her hands on her temples, trying to rub
away a headache without success. She brings her right hand over her forehead and one eye, and furrows
her brow. A small whine escapes her against her will, and she holds her stomach with her left hand. Her
hand meets stiff, rough, fabric.
Merc: I forgot about the blood... I'm going to go change...
Dan: Do you have clothes here? Or are you going to leave the hospital?
Merc: I have clothes in my trunk. I forgot to take a suitcase out.
Dan: Um, do you want me to walk to you your car? I mean, after– on the way here–
Merc: I can take care of myself.
Inexplicably, Merc's eyes warm a bit. She takes a deep breath, and swallows with moderate difficulty.
Merc: If you'd like to change out of your bloody shirt, I probably have a few plain t-shirts with me...
Dan: Yeah, I do. Thanks.
Merc: Luna, we're going to change out of our bloody clothes. We'll be back as soon as we can, okay?
Luna, staring into space, doesn't process Merc's words immediately. When she does, she starts as if
Luna: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.
Merc: Delayed reaction, there, Luna?
With a wink and a smile, Merc turns and heads out the door with Dan, towards the parking lot.
Merc's trunk pops open as she stands in front of it. She leans in, and tosses Dan a tee shirt.
Merc: That was yours to begin with, so it should fit.
Merc pulls another shirt out of her trunk, and pulls it over the blood-stained one. Taking Merc's cue, Dan
also begins to change shirts.
Dan: If it's mine, why haven't you thrown it out by now?
One arm at a time, Merc takes the inside shirt off, and ends up with the blood-stained shirt around her
Merc: I sleep in it... and I couldn't anyway. It's yours.
Dan looks at Merc, almost expressionless. His voice comes out similarly empty.
Dan: I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.
The statement causes Merc to pause with the shirt halfway off her head. She pulls the shirt the rest of the
way off as she turns to her trunk, busying herself trying to find a place of the bloody shirt.
Merc: There are different reasons for that.
Dan: Because I don't want you to get yourself killed?
Merc whips around.
Merc: You can't just tell me to stop doing what I do and expect me to be content with life that way. Don't
you understand? That *is* my life. And that's not the only reason anyway...
Dan: It didn't seem like you needed a reason...
Merc: It was because I was covering my own ass. Or trying to, at least.
Dan: Is that supposed to make sense?
Merc: You're my only weakness. They can threaten anything else on me, and it won't matter. But if they
get to you... I just can't let them do that... If we're not together, they won't think to get to me through you,
and I won't lose you.
Merc steps into her trunk and sits down, slouched and legs crossed. Even though the trunk is extremely
small, Merc looks smaller than usual... and helpless.
Dan: How is running away from me supposed to help? You don't want to lose me, so therefore, you must
Merc: I don't want you hurt. Especially not because of me.
Dan: So it makes sense for you to hurt me? Besides, I think that's my decision to make.
Merc: I know. I'm sorry... It's just that, for the first time in my life, I was afraid. I didn't know what to do.
And then the fight... it just seemed logical.
Dan: So the other thing... we can work through that?
Dan: Are you willing to work on it with me?
Merc closes her eyes, takes in a deep breath, and lets it out slowly, while straightening her back.
There is an awkward pause before Dan begins to walk towards Merc, who stands up and steps out of the
trunk. Dan makes it to the trunk just in time to catch Merc in midair, who buries her face in his chest. Dan
drops his bloody shirt into her trunk.
Dan: Come on, let's go.
Merc pulls a leather jacket out of the suitcase, throws everything else in, and zips the suitcase shut. She
then puts on the jacket, right arm first. As soon as her hand leaves the sleeve, she grabs something off the
roof of her trunk, and drops it into her left pocket as she puts her left arm through the sleeve. Dan notices
Back in Mith's room, they find Luna asleep on the side of Mith's bed. There is an end table in the corner
with lamp on it and an oversized chair on either side. Merc walks over, moves the lamp onto a chair, and
sits in the end table, knees at her chest, legs crossed at the ankles. After staring at nothing in particular for
about ten minutes, Merc blinks twice, stifles a yawn and leans her cheek on a knee. In a matter of seconds,
all the muscles in Merc's body go limp. Her arms slide down her legs and rest the tongues of her shoes; the
weight of her head rests on her knee, pushing her cheek forward, and consequently parting her lips slightly
on one side and pushing them forward into an almost childlike pout. Dan smiles, pushes the hair back from
her face, kisses her on the forehead, and sits down in the other chair next to her. soon, he is also asleep.
nobody notices the envelope slide under the door...
Scene: Matt, Courk, and Plexer are returning from the Ninja Academy and going to the hospital. Courk is
walking fast and keeps muttering under her breath that no matter how fast she runs and no matter how
thick the woods are, she can't get rid of Plexer.
Plexer: That Master Kyouran looks OLD. What is he? 100?
Courk: Try 86, and, for the billionth time, please shut up. You're giving me a headache!
Plexer: Oh, sorry.
In the following silence Courk hears a sound in front of the group. She holds up her hand to signal for Matt
and Plexer to stop. She crouches down and draws her seldom-used sword. A figure dashes off to the side,
and Courk, with her ninja-fast reflexes catches him from behind and pulls him to the ground, holding the
sword to his throat before Matt realises who it is.
Matt: Lepton!? What are you doing running through the woods?
Courk turns to look at Matt.
Courk: You know who this is?
Matt: Yeah, a few days after you left the Academy I saw him with Master Kyouran. Other than that I guess
I don't really know who he is...
Courk removes her sword and replaces it in her holder.
Courk: Alright, I guess you can go, whatever you're doing here...
Lepton: ...Car... fix car... fix...
As Lepton runs off again, Courk, Matt, and Plexer look at him like he's wacko.
Courk: He's umm... an... odd one...
A few minutes later the trio is seen emerging from the woods into the hospital parking lot. Plexer has
resumed her usual jabber.
Plexer: So who is this Mith person? I've over heard my sister talking about him, but I don't know who he is
Matt: He's a member of the Capone ma-
Courk: He's my former ninja partner.
Inside the door they meet up with Elayne and Eykir. After a few minutes of Matt and Elayne talking, Courk,
Matt, and Plexer head toward the front desk to find out where Mith's room is.
Lady at the desk(before they say anything and without looking up): Lemme guess, "Where's Mith
Capone's room?" 420.
Matt: ...Uh, ok... Thanks.
They walk in and, seeing everyoine else asleep, sit quietly on the floor. Plexer sees the envelope and picks it
up without Courk or Matt noticing.
A Chickadee: Chick-a-dee-dee-dee
However, Lepton hears:
A Chickadee: Chick-a-DAN-DAN-DAN
Lepton: Dan... He's taking Merc away from me... Dan's taking Merc away from her friends... He'll take her
away from all of us! I must save Merc!!! Don't worry, Merc, I'll save you from that evil Dan! Be careful,
he's going to take you away, he'll steal you!
Without another word, Lepton goes about building a giant mousetrap to catch Dan.
Scene: Luna wakes up with a start. She glances at her watch, and quickly stands up, kisses the sleeping
Mith on the forehead, and slips quietly out of the room to where Sofis is still waiting for her. He doesn't
speak, just gives her a look.
Luna(looking properly ashamed of herself): I fell asleep.
Sofis doesn't answer, just stands up. Luna suddenly looks up at him sharply.
Luna: Sofis, there's blood at the corner of your mouth. What's happened?
Sofis: I believe I met your sister. Charming girl.
He takes Luna's hand.
Sofis: So... where are we going now?
Luna: I... Sofis, I want to go home. I need to be somewhere familiar. And I haven't seen my kids for days.
Can we go back there? Please?
Sofis doesn't look happy, but he doesn't argue either. As they start to walk in the direction of the Capone
house, Luna takes out her cellphone to call an extremely relieved Baba and release her from babysitting
Scene: Mith wakes after a very long nap, and sees that Luna is gone. He slowly turns his head to see Dan
and Merc asleep in chairs. Bored, he grabs that little buzzer thingy and pushes it. A Nurse walks in.
Nurse: Did you need something Mr. Capone?
Mith: Yeah, I was wondering where my wife went. And could I get some grape juice?
Nurse: Your wife went back home I think... I can call her for you if you want.
Mith: No... that's ok...
Nurse: Ok, I'll go get some juice then.
The nurse walks out, and Dan finally gets up sleepily and walks over to Mith's bed.
Dan(smiling): I was finally getting some sleep, why'd you have to do that? Feeling better?
Mith: Yeah, a bit.
Dan: Well, that's good... oh! I'd almost forgotten, I've been trying to find you for the past week to tell you
Mith: What's that?
Dan: Well, I don't know if now is the best time to bring up the kidnapping...
Mith: Kidnapping? Was my conscussion really that bad?
Dan: You don't remember? Er... your twins were kidnapped. You got Sofia back, Luna has her now. But
Chuck has James...
Mith: Chuck?? Ninja Chuck? How did he...
Dan: It's a long story. Ask your wife about it. Or Merc. Anyway, I found James, I know where he is.
Mith tries to sit up, but it hurts too much, so he lays back down, frustrated, and waits for Dan to tell him
about his child.
Merc, the last sleeping body in the room, wakes up to find her little sister staring her in the face. In her
surprise, she slides herself away from Plexer, nearly falling onto the lamp in the chair next to her.
Merc: Lexie? What are you doing here?
Plexer: Same thing you're doing here...
Merc: Which is...?
Plexer: I... Uh... I don't know.
Merc: You should know better than that, sweetie... You wanna stay with me a couple of days before i take
Plexer: Can't I stay longer?
Merc: I'm sorry, Lexie... Now's just not a good time.
Plexer: Okay, okay, but I wanna spend time with you while you're here.
Merc smiles and sits in the chair with Plexer.
Merc: I promise we'll do fun sister-type stuff, okay?
Merc: Courk! It's been a long time. How have you been?
Courk: Not the same without you.
The two girls hug. As they step away from each other, Courk notices a sly smirk on Merc's face. Puzzled,
Courk gives her an inquisitive look. Merc cracks a grin as she pulls Courk's sword, scabbard and all, out
from behind her.
Merc: Come on, Courk, you've got to be more aware than that! I'm disappointed in you... and I'm not even
Merc tries unsuccessfully to keep a straight face, then winks at Courk.
Courk: But you've always been the only one who could do that. Okay, fine, some things haven't changed.
Merc looks at the treasure in her hand, turning it over a few times, cooling her palm with the heavy hilt.
Merc: It's very nice... where have I seen this sheath before?
Courk: On that sword.
Merc: It's not... is it?
Merc's eyes widen as Courk takes the sword from her hands and places it protectively by her side.
Merc: But... Courk, you know you can't have that...
Scene: A wild-haired, dishevelled-looking guy in a Nazi greatcoat runs in, bearing substantial Katana
scars to most of his body. "I killed seven Mafiosi in Mafia 17!" he gasps. Looking around, he realises which
forum he's stumbled into. "Ahem. I mean, er, nothing!" he grins...
Scene: Before Courk can respond, a Nurse walks in.
Nurse: Alright, everyone out. Mr. Capone really does need rest.
Dan finishes quietly telling Mith about James, and gets up to leave. Merc walks out next to him, and Courk
and Plexer follow. The nurse turns off the lights and closes the door. Mith closes his eyes reluctantly, but
can't sleep, as he is thinking about his son. He is startled when the door opens quietly, and he opens his
eyes to see someone walk over to his bed.
LET: Er... yeah, it's me.
Mith: You aren't supposed to be here. But then, I'm supposed to be asleep. Thanks for coming honey.
LET: Yeah... my pleasure, sweet. Listen... I need to talk to you about some things... I know you don't
remember much right now, but there's something you need to know.
Mith: What is it?
LET, suddenly unsure of what to do, takes his hands, and leans down to kiss him for the first time.
LET: Er... sorry honey, just had to kiss you. It's... I mean, it's been a while...
Mith: Honey, it's ok. I've missed you too. Now what were you going to say?
LET: I... I'm pregnant.
Mith: You are?? That's won-
LET: No, listen. The baby... isn't yours.
Mith starts to get up, clearly shocked, but again the pain forces him to lie back down.
Mith: You... you...
LET: Yes. Look, you already knew that. Apparently the concussion made you forget. But that's what
caused you to be here. After you found out, you... you tried to get yourself killed.
Mith: Get out. Please. I need sleep.
LET: Ok. Listen Mith. I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you. But I'll understand if you hate me.
Mith: Just go...
Mith is now in tears. LET touches his cheek, and he turns his head away from her. LET allows herself a
small grin in the dark, since her plan seems to be working.
LET: Bye Mith. I guess I better go before the nurse catches me. We'll talk about this later, ok?
Mith remains silent. LET looks at him one last time, wondering if she's pushed him too far, and then sneaks
out the door.
Scene: We see DPW walking down a dark road, his car broken down behind him. He walks slowly down
the road, when a car comes flying down the road, the driver apparently drunk. DPW almost gets out of the
way, but his foot gets run over, and he falls over in pain as the car crashes into a tree. The driver gets out,
and walks to him, as he rolls around on the ground holding his foot.
Buttercup: Oh, my sweet Westley, (hic) what have I done?
Yes, it is DPW's former lover, Buttercup. She hasn't aged well though, as was mentioned earlier.
DPW: Oh Lord...
Buttercup: Westley, I thought you were dead! After our house accidentally blew up while (hic) I was
thankfully outside, and then my car accidentally got a carbon monoxide leak and killed our baby that I (hic)
left in the car for 37 hours while I was shopping for shoes, I got a suicide note saying that you couldn't live
with yourself anymore. I was so worried. Luckily (hic) I found this dashing ammoral bisexual slut to keep
me company. But then he ran out too. Oh, what a horrible day that was. I've been so lonely!
DPW(muttering): As well you should be.
Buttercup: You mock my (hic) pain!
DPW: Oh please God, not again... wait, you really *were* with Nate?
Buttercup(shruging): Well, you were dead.
DPW: Good point.
Just then the cops pull up. They walk over to the scene.
DPW: Officer, help! This drunk woman ran over me and is talking all sorts of crazy talk!
Officer(pointing at car and tree): She do that?
Buttercup: But Westley...
Officer: Don't worry, we'll take care of her. Looks like your ankle is broke. We'll get you to the hospital.
DPW: About time.
The cops carry Buttercup off, with her rambling drunkenly about true love and her Westley and what not,
and then one of the officers takes DPW to the hospital.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The hospital. Merc, Courk, and Matt have moved their conversation to the main lobby, when DPW
enters, wheeled in by the police officer.
Courk: You have got to tell me how you keep doing that to my sword! Is that...? Hey, DPW!
DPW: Courk? What are you doing here?
The cop goes to speak with the receptionist and leaves DPW to talk with the threesome.
Courk: Mith's upstairs. The nurse forced us out, so we came down here. Have you met Mercuria?
DPW: I think we just missed each other earlier outside Baskin Robbins. I'd stand up, but I don't think my
ankle could take it. A friend of Mith's?
Merc: You could say that.
DPW: Courk, the crystal is missing.
Courk: How? I thought no one knew about the se-
She and DPW cry out in unison as he stomps his injured foot down on hers.
DPW: I don't know. I came back later and it was gone. There was no sign of a forced entry and nothing
else had been touched. If The Master's gotten his hands on it...
The cop returns with a young, attractive nurse [npos]Hey, I just got run over by my ex; humor me.[/npos]
to wheel DPW off for X-rays.
Courk: He's right about The Master. Matt, go find Dan. He knows where he's hiding. Once we make sure
he doesn't have it, then we can widen our search.
Matt nods and races off.
Merc: What's so important about this crystal?
Courk: It's a long story...But I'll explain as best I can until he gets back...
Scene: the old childrens nursery in the attic of Luna's house. The dim lightbulb shines a shadow across the
floor. Millington is standing in the doorway, old sepia pictures of baby Luna in his hand. He glances
around the room, remembering of the times many years ago when his darling daughter Luna was but a
young innocent little girl, daddies little girl, his little girl. Where it all went wrong no one knows but
himself. The guilt, bad feelings of deserting his beloved daughter, hatred, drunken flings, all flooding back
to him. He holds the pictures to his heart, waiting for the right time to tell Luna who he really is, not just
the family butler, but her father. A creak on the stairs awakes him from his dreams.
Baba: What are you doing up here Millington?
Millington: Er! Just cleaning up a few old things, ready for when her ladyship returns.
Baba: What is that in your hand Millington?
Millington: Nothing, nothing at all.
Baba: That‟s an old picture of Luna isn‟t it! What are you doing with it, give it to me.
She snatches picture from Millingtons hand.
Baba: Are you some kind of pervert, looking at your ladyship‟s baby photos? I'm gonna tell Luna when
she returns and she will sack you straight away.
Millington: It's not as simple as that miss Baba, please don't tell, it would send me mad if I lost this job.
Baba: Well then Millington, you will have to do a few thing for me if you want to keep this a secret, won't
you, ha ha ha ha ha...
The doorbell rings…
Scene: Eykir's apartment after returning home from the hospital. Eykir is pacing across the living room
floor, obviously agitated, and Elayne is sitting on the couch watching.
Eykir: So this business took place four years ago. Did it have anything to do with why you suddenly left?
Elayne: Yes, we thought it would be safer that way.
Eykir: I had always wondered what caused you to leave. Tell me what happened.
Elayne: Eykir, I didn't get permission from Mith-
At this point Eykir stops his pacing and turns to face her, obviously hurt. He cuts her off in mid-sentence.
Eykir: Do you honestly think I would ever do anything that would endanger your life? I'd do almost
anything for you! Don't you trust me?
Elayne is visibly moved by this declaration.
Elayne: You know I do. Completely.
Elayne then proceeds to tell the story of how Mith approached her and why. What her part of the plan was
and what she got out of the deal. By the end Eykir is very upset.
Eykir: I can't believe you risked your life like that! Do you have any idea what that slimeball IS would
have done to you if he caught on? I've met him! All he cared about was strippers! Even if he didn't the
thought of him leering all over you makes me sick! And for what reason? You didn't need the money as far
as I knew!
Elayne: I did want to help Mith out. I felt so bad for him and Luna. I was sure I could handle IS and a
person like him belongs behind bars. And you are right I didn't need the money for myself. I needed it for
Eykir: For him? He let you risk yourself like that! He doesn't deserve you! He never did. I would have
taken care of you…
Eykir pauses and tries to compose himself but fails and begins to cry.
Eykir: I thought I had gotten over this and moved on with my life but this is bringing it all back…
Elayne gets up off the couch and goes over to him. This time it is Eykir who cries on her shoulder.
Scene: The front door of the Capone house. Millington, followed by Baba, approaches to answer the door.
Millington: Good evening m'lady.
Lun:a Hello Millington.
Luna nudges past to hug Baba.
Luna: Thanks for looking after the kids Baba, hope it didn't put you out.
Baba: Not at all Luna, anytime. I gotta go now but I'll call you tomorrow. Bye then, see ya Sofis, Bye bye
Baba winks at Millington as she leaves.
Sofis: Do you want me to stay, or should I go home?
Luna: No. Please stay, I'll get Millington to make a bed up for you in one of the spare rooms.
Millington: I'll do it now m'lady if theres nothing else you want me for.
Luna nods. She then takes Sofis into the west wing, lower ground floor study.
Luna: I'm glad your here with me Sofis, away from the hospital, away from all the hurt and trouble.
Sofis: I feel a bit uncomfortable being here with you, alone, especially after all that‟s happened.
Luna: Please don't, it's bad enough for me as it is. I... I just don't want to be left alone right now.
Sofis moves across the sofa and puts his arm around Luna.
Sofis: Please don't cry, it will all be fine, I'm here for you.
Millington enters the room with a tray of Earl Grey.
Millington: Sorry... I'm not disturbing you my child, er!...m'lady!
Luna: What was that you said Millington?
Luna brushes off Sofis and stands up.
Millington: Er... nothing m'lady, just a slip of the tongue, it won't happen again.
Luna But what DID you say, you said 'child' didn't you, I heard you, I really heard you.
Luna stares into Millington‟s face. A tear starts to form in the corner of Millingtons eyes. Just then, Luna‟s
mobile phone rings…
Scene: Mith's hospital room. Mith struggles to fall asleep, after "Luna"'s news. He finally manages it
Walking into his house for the first time in weeks, Mith sets Sofia in her crib, and goes to see Edward and
the girls. He hears door open and close, and walks back to see Luna, holding a screaming Sofia. She looks
beautiful as always... He clears his throat, and she turns around...
Mith is holding a phone, clearly in shock... he and Luna speak, and he walks out. Matt meets him. They
Mith is lying on the ground in pain, prepared to die. He looks at his wife... how could she do this to him?
He's on the verge of passing out. Then he sees Luna walk over to him...
Merc(leaning over him): Mith? Mith? What's wrong?
Mith opens his eyes, and finds himself in his hospital bed, shaking.
Merc(smiling): Hey... you ok? The nurse called me in and said that something was wrong... and since Luna
Mith: Wait, Luna left? When?
Merc: Last night...
Mith: Oh... wow, it must've all been a dream. Luna coming in and telling me she was pregnant, and then I
saw it happening again at our house, and the sword fight, and...
Merc stares blankly at him, not sure what to say about his dream. And so, in classic Soap form, she looks
around uncomfortably for a few seconds...
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Master's hideout. El Blobbo and The Master are hunched over EB's latest creation.
EB: Now, all I need is access to your crystal to charge the main power supply.
The Master: Chuck is out searching for it now. He will not fail us like he did when trying to capture Sofia.
And when he was supposed to be guarding that chimney sweep. And that second time when he tried again
to get Sofia...Alright, so he's had a run of bad luck, but he's due...Uh, what does this machine do again?
EB: You are always complaining about how Courk and Matt are trying to capture your spider monkey and
make it dance in a tutu. This machine will generate a horde of monkeys to capture the flying monkey ninjas
and make them dance in tutus.
They laugh evilly.
Scene: The Capones'. Matt's search for Dan leads him back to the place of his duel with Mith. He knocks
on the door, intending to find out exactly where he could be...
Scene: The guild of balance, which happens to be located about 3 miles outside of Salem. The leader of the
guild, whom we have met once before, sits silently, watching footage from a hidden camera. He simply
shakes his head.
Buzzsaw: We hired him for balance? Ha. I suppose we have no choice.
Solver: Riddle me this! Er... I mean...
Amy: How exactly is he in this guild?
Buzzsaw: Stupid balance thing.
Amy: I wish I could be there for my daughters...
Buzzsaw: Bah, go bark at the moon. We have a situation here. I suppose I will call that Dude again...
Amy: Why is he helping us anyway? He's against balance, isn't he?
Buzzsaw: He doesn't know. He thinks I'm some insane rich guy called Vilya.
Amy: Er... ok...
Buzz places the call...
Scene: Koi, Yakuza leader, in the guise of The Dude, bowler, watches Tenshi come out of the studio. He
knows that Tenshi is paranoid. So he doesn't bother with trying to trick him, like mathgrant. Tenshi gets in
his car. As he turns the key, he hears the faint beep, and frantically turns to try to get out as the car
explodes. The ambulence and police arriving for the situation at the studio make it just in time to watch the
As Acer enters Salam, the car in front of Acer‟s suddenly explodes into a fiery ball of fire. Acer swings the
wheel, and the car skids to the side, narrowly missing Tenshi‟s. He turns around to see a chain collision
Acer: What‟s wrong with these people?!
He realises that his car is also on fire and frantically climbs out.
Scene: the Capone house. Luna answers her mobile phone, turns pale, and quickly passes it to Sofis. He
speaks rapidly in Italian before hanging up and passing the phone back to Luna. Luna opens her mouth to
speak, but he cuts her off.
Sofis: No, I'll go. It'll be easier. Stay here and look after your children.
He kisses her briefly on the lips before leaving. Millington looks mildly surprised at this display of
Millington: My lady, is that not a little... ah... inappropriate for the young gentleman?
Luna shakes her head, sadly.
Luna: You may as well know... Mith and I have had, well, a disagreement. It's...
She looks a bit tearful. No crying though.
Luna: ...Look, sit down. I suppose I should explain...
Luna begins to talk. The sound fades out, and we see the hands on the clock move round to an hour later.
The camera cuts back to Luna, and the sound fades up again.
Luna: ...so now there's the baby to think of... I think Mith would take me back, but I can't just let a child
grow up without knowing who its real father is, can I? I mean, that must be...
Millington is about to speak, when he's interrupted yet again by Luna's cellphone.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Master's hideout. Sofis has just arrived and using Dan's information enters through the
damaged chimney. Unfortunately for him, the cell door into the interior of the hideout is still locked. He
shakes it, hoping to jar something loose, but to no avail. He starts working at the hinges. He quickly frees
them and removes the entire door. Elsewhere, a silent alarm goes off alerting the Master that his cell has
been breached. He switches on a monitor to watch as Sofis begins stealthily moving towards his inner
sanctum. On the screen, Sofis slowly advances inward, unaware that he has already been detected. He sees
a cradle and walks toward it. He sets aside his gun and reaches in...
Sofis: There you are, little guy. You're mom's been worried about you. I'll get-
He stops when he realizes that inside the cradle is not James, but a doll. Just then the door slams behind
him and sleeping gas begins to enter the room. He pulls out his phone and dials quickly
Sofis: Luna, it's a-
The phone then clatters to the ground as he loses consciousness. Back at her home, Luna quickly sets the
phone down, grabs the keys for her motorcycle and heads for the door.
Millington: My lady, who was that?
He gets no response but the roar of her bike.
Scene: The chimney again. Luna enters through the ruined chimney and retraces Sofis' footsteps from
earlier. When she reaches the gas room, which has been reset she peers inside and notices Sofis' gun where
he set it down earlier. Instead of walking in, she tosses a piece of debris at the cradle and watches as the
door slams shut... Moments later, El Blobbo comes down muttering about how The Master always makes
him collect the prisoners. As he approahes the door, a shadow slips out of the darkness, grabs and twists
his arm. The dark figure hisses...
Luna: You're going to take me to where my son and Sofis are...
EB hesitates, then gasps in pain as Luna tightens her hold.
Luna: About one more inch and it'll break...
EB(sighs): This way...
Luna relaxes her grip a little and roughly shoves him in the direction indicated. They head down a maze of
hallways until they reach a room where The Master is bent over some fiendish creation, Sofis is handcuffed
to a chair, and James is crying loudly.
The Master spins around and Sofis tries to twist around in his chair to see EB being held by Luna, who is
pointing a gun at The Master with her free hand.
Luna: I'll be taking my son back now. Him, too.
James quiets some at hearing his mother's voice. Luna looks over at the cradle for a moment. In the instant
she is distracted, The Master dives for something sitting on his table. EB tries to break her hold, earning
himself a blow to the back of the head from her gun. As he crumples to the ground, Luna sees The Master
pointing something at her and snaps off a shot into a large vat, which conveniently shatters filling the room
with a strange fog. As The Master starts coughing and trying to get out of the room, Luna runs to Sofis.
Luna: This may hurt a little.
Sofis steels himself as she puts the barrel of her gun against his cuffs and breaks them with a pull of the
trigger. She then heads for the cradle as Sofis tries to rubs some feeling back into his hands.
Sofis: Pity about the handcuffs.
Luna(only half listening): I've got more at home.
Sofis: Really? Got him?
Luna: Yes, let's go.
They head back out the same way they came in. Once they make it back to the car and motorcycle, Luna
hands Sofis James.
Luna: Just for a sec. Let me get those cuffs off you.
Sofis is clearly uncomfortable holding the baby, but by the time Luna has gotten one of his hands free,
James has fallen asleep in his arms.
Scene: The hospital room. Merc looks down uncomfortably.
Mith: Merc? What is it?
Merc: I guess you should know. It's all true.
Mith tries to sit up once again, and this time manages without too much pain.
Merc: Hey, you sat up. Must be healing well.
Mith: Yay for me. Don't change the subject, Merc. It's all true? The sword fight, that's why I'm here? I
couldn't tell who I was fight in my... well, I guess it wasn't a dream, eh?
Merc: Matt... he's a ninja now, you know. He caught you at a bad time... you were... upset, about things.
Mith: Then... Luna is pregnant?
Mith: And the baby isn't mine?
Merc goes back to looking at the floor.
Scene: The Masters secret hideout.
TM: Now what, softie?
EB: What incentive do I have to take a force weapon to collect a sleeping prisoner? Anyway, we will have
Scene: Two days later.
TM: What was that about revenge?
EB: I did not promise imedeacy! Anyway, we do have one good thing.
EB: Know how the crystal was stolen after I gave you the explosive? Well, I got it back.
He reveals duplicate crystal, thinking to himself that that duplicate would fool anyone, even with the fake
explosive and hidden alternator on the device.
TM: So what about the monkeys?
EB(thinking fast): Some of the other sources I installed have to recharge.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: A TV screen airing the intro of a TV program. During the intro, Happy, RSA, The Dude and
anybody else who has gone missing lately are seen in the audience.
Mark Hamill: It's the "Late Tonight Show, starring Bravo the Hat! On tonight's show, Prominent citizen
and famous mafia hunter Eiyes! And a visit from a kakapo expert from the Salem zoo! Musical guest
10,000 Manatees! And, "Bylines"! With the Late Tonight band, and me, Mark Hamill. And now, Bravo the
Bravo comes out, accepts the roaring applause from the crowd, and starts into his monologue...
Scene: HattyDooBaba Studios.
Bravo: I present: IS Capone!
IS appears. Audience bursts into applause.
RSA(shaking fist):Vote IS!
The Dude‟s (aka Koi) handphone rings.
The Dude: „Scuse me.
The Dude: (on phone) Yes, IS Capone… he‟s the target… yes! …You fool, I want him dead or alive!…
Just get him, okay?!
Punches phone off angrily.
The Dude: This time he won‟t get away…
Scene: Back on the show.
IS: Did you bring the pizza and beer I ordered?
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Late Tonight Show Set. Bravo's interview with IS is just coming to an end. The audience is
creeping towards the set, waiting for the cameras to go off.
Bravo: Thanks for coming, IS; I know you've got to leave. Got anything you'd like to say before we take
IS: Gah, you fools! Stay away from me! I know who all the mafia are!
Bravo: We'll be right back with our surpirse guest, just returned to Salem, Paladin!
The band starts playing and IS takes off with the crowd snapping at his heels.
Scene: Cody looks throught binoculars from whatever appropriate (and cliché) sniping position is
possible. He reaches into his backpack behind him, and flicks his stopwatch (now painted black) over his
shoulder. He picks up the sniper rifle niext to him, flicking the outragous garment he is wearing out of the
way. At least it's, black. Well, *ahem* yes, as I was saying: Cody looks throught the sights as IS Capone,
readies for the shot, leans forward and…
Cody: Bugger...buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger... bugger.
Cody slaps his forehead almightily, and starts tearing at the sniper-rifle-turned-feather-boa, then stops and
stares at it.
Cody: Ah well… no reason to waste a good feather boa. If I learnt nothing else, then that would be it.
Scene: HattyDooBaba Studios. Paladin, surprise guest for the show, walks out to a half-full audience. The
rest of the audience can be heard yelling and generally making noise chasing IS out and around the set.
Bravo welcomes his guest, and he and Paladin sit down.
Bravo: So, I hear you've been gone working on the newest in your line of games. Would you mind sharing
a little about it?
Paladin: Sure... well, the title of my newest game is Vanquish...
Bravo: Isn't that a toilet cleaner?
Laughter from the audience.
Scene: At the Capone house, Luna and Sofis sit on the couch, watching IS on TV. James and Sofia are
asleep in their cribs, while Edward and Milly play hide-and-seek in the attic.
Sofis: IS is on again? Isn't that a bit risky?
Luna: Yeah... but he loves the attention.
Milly(in the attic): Edward? Where are you, boy? You know I'm getting to old for this.
Luna and Sofis continue to watch. When Paladin comes out, Luna leaps up.
Luna: He... that... bah!
Luna grabs Sofis' hand and pulls him out to her motorcycle. They head to the studio.
Scene: Mith's hospital room. Merc has finished telling Mith about Luna and Sofis, and he is a bit tearful.
But not suicidal, this time.
Merc: It'll be ok, Mith. Come on, let's turn on the TV. I heard IS is supposed to be on again.
Merc: Yeah, why?
Mith: Oh, no reason... Go ahead, we can watch it for a bit before I sleep.
Merc turns on the TV, and they watch...
Scene: Back at the studio. The interview with Paladin is proceeding as Luna and Sofis pull up. Luna storms
in, pushing people out of the way. She walks right up to a shocked Paladin and pulls him up by the shirt.
Luna: You, you...
Bravo: Luna Capone! On my show!
Luna: Shut up Bravo. I need to have a word with Paladin here.
Luna: You shut up too. How *dare* you leave the girls alone.
Luna slaps him. Bravo pulls her away.
Bravo: Luna, none of that, this is a family show. Maybe you could stay for an interview? Who is this curly-
haired guy with you anyway? And how is Mith?
Luna glares at him... IS comes running through, followed by the other half of Bravo's audience. Mass chaos
ensues, with Luna chasing Paladin around, Sofis chasing Luna around, Deth and James running around
trying to look tough, a mob chasing IS, and Hatty sitting at his desk trying to look like he's in control.
The remaining audience: Hatty, Hatty, Hatty...
Scene: Paladin's dressing room - a little later, after the chaos has died down. Luna is still screaming at
Paladin; Sofis is trying, unsuccessfully, to calm her down.
Luna: ...and I trusted you to look after them... your own children... turning up on my doorstep in the rain...
what on earth were you thinking? Well?
Sofis puts a hand on Luna's arm, but she shakes it off.
Paladin: I... I... you... well, you're hardly going to be winning any awards for Mother of the Year yourself,
are you? At least I can keep my eye on a couple of kids for a few days without actually having them
Luna is just looking around for something to throw at him, when Sofis catches hold of her hand and pulls
her out of the room and into a corridor.
Sofis: Luna. Luna. Calm down. Breathe. Your children are perfectly safe now; killing him won't help
Luna: It'll make me feel better.
Sofis: No... No killing anyone. Not today.
Luna sighs. Sofis smiles at her.
Luna: Oh, alright. Let's just go home.
They start to walk away down the corridor.
Sofis: Anyway, you shouldn't be getting so upset. Not in your condition.
Fortunately for Sofis, Luna is too tired and emotional to bother killing him.
Scene: Through some freak snap in the space-time continuum Nate pops from where-he-was-before to
where-he-is-now. He looks stunned. Slowly he rubs his hands over his eyes and looks around.
Nate: Wow! This is so awesome. Brilliant. Magnificent. Stupendous. I've never in my life seen anything
like this. It is like nothing I've ever even imagined. It's...
Suddenly the fibers of space and time snap back into a shape they feel comfortable in, leaving Nate
suspended upside down four feet from the ground in front of the Capone residence. He instantly falls to the
ground, losing consciousness at the moment of impact.
***Dread Pirate Westley***
Scene: The Hospital, a private room. DPW is resting in a bed grumbling about his car and Buttercup,
when he decides to flip on The Late Tonight Show just in time to see the end of the Luna-Paladin fight,
including Sofis' appearance.
DPW: Oh, Mith's going to love that. Wait. He's here. Maybe I can extend his stay.
He grabs a pair of crutches and gets up in search of Mith.
Scene: The Master's hideout. Things have been a bit crazy since Luna and Sofis escaped with James, and
The Master is not at all pleased. He sits in his office, with Chuck behind him, El Blobbo standing before
him, and a mysterious figure to the side.
The Master: You incompetent fools! They have both twins back now! How are we supposed to eliminate
the Capones now?
El Blobbo: Well, I have another-
The Master: Silence! I don't want to hear from you again. Go back to your little lab and make me
something that works! I'll send Chuck for you soon.
El Blobbo bows and leaves.
The Master: How do I end up with such incompetent help... Chuck, I thought you were a Ninja Master.
Can't you get anything right?
Chuck remains silent, but looks like he is about to kill something.
The Master: We need a new evil plan. I want Capone to suffer.
Chuck: He is in the hospital. It would be simple to kill him.
The Master: But... that's not creative! I am The Master! My evil must be spoken by all, and men must
cower before me!
The figure: O tuld yua ot wuadn't wurk. I told you it wouldn't work.
Yes, it is Gruze, back to start a new evil vuwil plot.
The Master: Groza... my friend, you're vowel schemes have never worked in the past... do you have a
decent plan this time?
Gruze: Yis... Ot onvulvis thos... Yes... It involves this...
Groza pulls out a strange looking device. The Master watches with wide eyes as Groza pushes a button
and... the TV comes on.
The Master: TV?
Gruze: Nut jast eny TV... Not just any TV...
The Master looks again, to see the chaos at "The Late Tonight Show, starring Bravo the Hat." He gives us
his best evil grin.
***Macros The Eivl Git***
Scene: At the local hotel.
Macros Clueso: Do you have a raum?
Receptionist: A what???
Macros Clueso: Oh not zis again, I'll stay in my tont! Now, first I must set up my tont, then I must begin
invastigatting these Mofia!
Scene: It's a warm Tuesdsy morning. A black convertaible pulls up in front of the florist and a young
woman with long, brown hair and sunglasses on gets out. Black jeans and boots are visible under her black
trench coat. She enters the florist.
Care: HI! How can I help you?
New Person: I noticed there's an apartment for rent above your store, and I‟m interested.
Care: Really? Okay. I'll take you up.
They go upstairs to a rundown apartment. With a little work, it'll be great.
Care: With a little work, it'll be great.
NP(nodding): Okay. I'll take it.
Care: Okay. Uh.,. what's your name?
NP: S.C. Sage.
So S.C. "SC" Sage moves her things in, with some assistance from Care. She pulls out her gold toned phone
and dialed a number.
SC: Hello? Is Mith there?
Mith: This is he. Who's this?
SC: Mith, it's me, SC, you cousin!
Mith: SC! Hey, wow, this is great! I thought you were working at a firm in Boston.
SC: Point, Nine, Nine, and Nine? ...I left.
SC: I'l tell you some other time... but they're really mad at me.
SC: I took Freddie the Wonder Rainstick of Good Luck.
Indeed, propped up in corner is said rainstick.
Mith: Have you heard what's going on?
SC: With you and Luna and everything?
SC(almost as sad): Yeah. You've got all the kids back?
Mith: Yeah... well, Luna and Sofis are at our place... Milly, Luna's old butler is there… Wait- how'd you
know to call me here?
Mith: Your Russian Mafia friend?
SC: Yeah. Listen, I'm gonna set up an office here- criminal and family law. I'm in the apartment over the
Mith: There's an apartment over the florist's?
SC: Yeah. Anyway, do you know anyone who could fix it up?
Cut to Mith's hospital room, where Merc looks quite puzzled.
Merc: Mith? Who is it?
Mith waves her off and continues spekaing.
Mith: Hmm... well, you could call Handsome Dan. He's a chimmney sweep, but he's a bit of a handyman
SC: Cool... can you give me his number? 999-9991? Okay. Thanks! I'll come by to visit soon- you can get
me acquainted with the fami- town.
Scene: Mith's hospital room. SC and Merc have met, hit it off, and are planning to meet at Carlito's later.
Merc is going to check in on Luna and the kids before meeting there.
SC: So, Mithy, how're you doing?
Mith: They say I can get out in a few days.
SC: Good. Where're you gonna go?
Mith: I don't know... Luna and him are at our place, I can't go there.
SC: Rent an apartment somewhere.
Mith: I want to try to work things out with Luna, but I- (very sad, nearly crying) I think she's in love with
SC: Oh, man. I can't belive she did this to you!
Mith: I know, I'm so confused- half the time she's off with him, the other half she's telling me how sorry
she is and she loves me.
SC: What're you gonna do?
Mith: If we can't work it out... I want custody of Edward.
SC: Why only him?
Mith: He's the only one I know is... is...
Mith starts crying. SC hugs him and offers to call Luna. Mith nods. Split screen thingy:
SC: Hello, may I speak with Luna?
Milly: May I tell her who's calling?
SC: Tell her it's an old friend from home.
SC is grinning hysterically at the fact she used a quote from her fave TV show ever, The West Wing.
SC: Luna, it's me.
Luna: SC? Why are you-
SC: I'm at the hospital with Mith, who's bawling his eyes out.
Luna: Oh, no... I'll come down. Does he want to see me?
SC: Yeah. You'd better work this out with him, Luna. He's your husband.
SC hangs up. Mith has stopped crying. SC reaches down to her breifcase and pulls something out.
Mith: You brought Freddie the Winder Rainstick of Good Luck!!
SC: Yes. Maybe he'll help.
Mith: Thanks so much, SC.
Mith's hospital room door opens to reveal...
***To Be Continued, 05/09 11:09pm GL time***