Love Is All You Need Or Is it

							Title:
Love Is All You Need... Or Is it?

Word Count:
1039

Summary:
Why so many relationships don't wor
k and what to do about it. The stra
tegies for building a successful bu
siness that can be just as effectiv
e in helping you to design your per
sonal relationships.
Keywords:
romance, relationships, similiariti
es between business and relationshi
p building, compelling vision, stag
es of relationship building

Article Body:
This week I finally got round to wa
tching _The Wedding Date_ an enjoya
ble _if slight _ romantic comedy.

The plot, for anyone not familiar w
ith it, has reluctant singleton Deb
ra Messing attending her step-siste
r_s wedding with a male _escort_, D
ermot Mulroney, [who combines perfe
ct eye-candy looks with gentlemanly
 charms and a comprehensive fee per
 service policy.

The Messing character needs to have
 Mulroney in tow because her ex, wh
o inexplicably dumped her, is the b
est man.

The action is simple and predictabl
e: girl meets boy, girl and boy con
nect at some profound yet unclear l
evel, they fall into bed together,
argue, break up and then end up bac
k together, all smiles and tears wh
ile we the audience buy into the id
ea of them toddling off into the su
nset of Happily Ever After.

This is indeed the stuff of _rom co
m_ and romance, according to The Ox
ford English Reference dictionary,
is about _an atmosphere or tendency
 complecharacterized by a sense of
remoteness from or idealization of
everyday life_. Quite. Except that
we don_t entirely suspend disbelief
 even when we are watching romantic
 comedies.
At some point, every one of us has
longed for that fuzzy ultimate feel
-good sense of being regarded as th
e perfect inhabitant of a perfect w
orld by our perfect partner.

Whatever the problem is, love is th
e answer. Love is all you need, aft
er all. So Mulroney is a male sex w
orker. Not a problem. He gets all t
he best lines, from the philosophic
al: _You get the relationships you
want_, to _ I think I_d miss you ev
en if we_d never met_ and this line
 that would sit well in the mouth o
f any abuser: _I_d rather fight wit
h you than make love with anyone el
se._

Aaah! And yuk! Aaah because both le
ads are so good looking (and toned
and well dressed) that they_re just
 bound to be happy together ever. Y
uk because flimsy love stories stil
l impact on our psyche at the subli
minal level, teaching us that you c
an build strong relationships on ho
pelessly inadequate foundations.

Sooner or later, we all try it, are
 amazed when it doesn_t work and pu
nish ourselves. Often before repeat
ing the same process with the self-
same outcome.

Michael Gerber_s _The E-Myth Revisi
ted_ _ Why Most Small Businesses Do
n_t Work And What To Do About It_ u
rges business owners to develop str
ong visions for their companies.

How does that translate to women, a
nd men, who want to be build succes
sful relationships? Surprisingly we
ll.

Since we are all, first and last, f
lawed human beings, our design flaw
s in any one area of life are likel
y to impact on other areas also. An
d so it is that Gerber_s comments a
bout replacing assumptions (and asp
irations and dreams) with clear-sig
hted strategies relate to our emoti
onal world also.

Gerber writes:

_Most of us have had the experience
 of being disappointed by someone i
n whom we have put our trust& trust
 alone can only take us so far.
Trust alone can set us up to repeat
 those same disappointing experienc
es.

Because true trust comes from knowi
ng, not from blind faith.

And to know, one must understand.

And to understand, one must have an
 intimate awareness of what conditi
ons are truly present. What people
know and what they don_t. What peop
le do and what they don_t. What peo
ple want and what they don_t. How p
eople do what they do and how peopl
e don_t. Who people are and who the
y aren_t._

It becomes possible to develop _an
intimate awareness of what conditio
ns are truly present_ when you are
prepared to leave on hold the roman
tic justification: _Love is all you
 need_ for as long as it takes to w
ork through the various stages of r
elationship building _ which Gerber
 defines as _Infancy_, _Adolescence
_, _Beyond the Comfort Zone_ and _M
aturity_.
_And how am I supposed to manage th
at, Clever Clogs?_ you might be won
dering. Once again, Gerber has a us
eful answer - if you are prepared t
o replace the term _relationship_ w
ith _business_.

Gerber talks at length about workin
g on the business rather than in th
e business _ a fascinating concept
for anyone who has ever spent time
trying to pick up the broken pieces
 of a relationship in the wake of a
 partner_s abusive outburst.

Gerber says:

_Simply put, your job is to prepare
 yourself and your business for gro
wth.

To educate yourself sufficiently so
 that, as your business grows, the
business_s foundation and structure
s can carry the additional weight.

And as awesome a responsibility as
that may seem to you, you have no o
ther choice _ if your business is t
o thrive, that is._
Having spoken with hundreds of abus
ed women over the years, I can say
with confidence that abusive men do
 not change their spots. They may u
se concealer when you first meet an
d fall for them, and their spots ma
y proliferate over time, but still
those spots are there from the start.

The Love-is-all-you-need approach w
ill blind you to the spots. Working
 from the outset at establishing a
foundation of reciprocal care, resp
ect and equality will quickly enabl
e you to see the face behind the co
ncealer.

I_ve yet to encounter an abuser who
 can manage selflessness for longer
 than it takes to earn a few vital
brownie points. And even then they
don_t just do it, they make a 10 co
urse banquet of it.

Nor do abusers 'do' solid foundatio
ns. Love is all they need. What the
y term love _ over time increasingl
y a justification for all manner of
 bad behaviour- is most unlikely to
 be all you need.
That said, would I turn down the ch
ance to parade Dermot Mulroney at a
 family function? No way. He would
add a whole new dimension to a fort
hcoming bash at a Kosher Chinese re
staurant in suburban London (truly!
).

But I_d like to think that if he ca
me out with a killer line like: _I_
d rather fight with you etc.etc._,
I_d do the honourable thing and dra
g the sole of my hobnail boot along
 his shin. Hard. Because I_m not to
o sure where a line like that would
 fit with my compelling long-term v
ision of a possible relationship.

(C)2005 Annie Kaszina Joyful Coachin
g