Girl Bullying Helping mean girls make nice

Girl Bullying: Helping mean girls make nice Unpacking Relational Aggression and Bullying among Girls April C. Foreman, Ph.D. Original material copyright 2008 Dr. April Foreman all rights reserved. All other copyrights and trademarks are the property of their respective holders. www.docforeman.com Why are we here?     Why *I* am here Why this workshop is important? Recent news in “girl bullying” Why are *you* here? Check you pen color. What do we mean by “Girl Bullying?” Helpful Terms   Social Aggression Relational Aggression Put your head down and cover your eyes.  Why might these forms of aggression be particularly appealing to girls? Gender and Aggression      All children feel anger, jealousy, competition and aggression. Girls are socialized to avoid expressing these feelings directly. All girls (and all boys) engage in relational and social aggression from time to time. Not all aggression is negative. Not all aggression is bullying. “Girl” Bullying is    Repeated actions against a target Intentionally harmful to target Power imbalance between aggressor and target We *expect* this kind of behavior among girls. But we do not *accept* it.  Girl bullying is a predictable phenomenon    All girls use relational and social aggression. But not all girls have a pattern of bullying. And not all girls are likely targets. Group Process Activity  Unpacking our Emotional Baggage (Adapted from Wiseman, 2002)      Where did you fit in middle school? Where did you fit in high school? What did you get from being part of this group? Did you ever want to leave the clique but felt like you couldn’t? Were you ever tormented by someone in a clique? Continued:     Is there anyone you would run away from if you saw them now? Did you ever feel trapped by a reputation you couldn’t shake? Were you ever teased? About what? How did you handle it? Did you spread gossip? Were you gossiped about? How did you handle it? Characteristics of Girl Bullies   Tendency to prefer RA/SA over assertive behaviors May use RA/SA for several reasons – – – – – Jealousy/Insecurity is #1 reason Maintain or build status/power Competition for attention from romantic interests Learned behaviors from role models and peers Entertainment, to alleviate boredom Continued:     Good grooming and social skills Wants to please authority figures and appear “nice” Poorer internal emotional regulation Hostile Interpersonal Attribution Bias Continued:  Lower levels of empathy – – May be a precursor in developing Anti-Social Personality Disorder Gender Bias in Conduct Disorder criteria Characteristics of Targets   Target vs. Victim Three “Ds” – – – Different Dominant Disruptive   Most- and least-liked of peer cohort May be less likely to “go along to get along” Continued:     May have poorer social insight or social skills May tend to be more comfortable with critical or direct feedback… “unvarnished truth” Bully perceives target as a threat in some way May have poorer emotional regulation… “push button temper” Continued:   May have less experience with playful RA/SA May have strong sense of justice… “whistle blower” Bottom Line: Not all bullies are the same and not all targets are the same Common Techniques of RA Bullying       Gossiping Teasing/Public Humiliation Relational blackmail Ostracism/Exclusion Creating Paranoia Pranks and technology Cyberbullying      This is not really new, just a new medium. Some research suggests 58% of girls know more about internet/computers than parents Cellphones and texting more ubiquitous Organized cyberbullying Can happen in email, chat rooms, social networking sites, interactive gaming sites Continued:    Cyberbullying enhances anonymity of bullies who do things they might not do IRL… They are more anonymous and more removed from target. Cyberbullying enhances paranoia of targets Internet allows broad abilities to access and distribute information quickly and easily Terms to know      Troll Sock Puppet Flame Leet Speak Txt speak Keep in mind:     Everything leaves a trace in Cyberspace that is never really deleted. Most of the time it is easy to change email, and disconnect from antagonistic situations. Everyone is *not* looking. Slander, Libel, Defamation, Fraud Tips for Addressing Cyberbullying     No unmoderated/unsupervised internet use Parents/supervisor have all passwords, total access, and actually *supervise* internet use Need help deciphering? Google and Wikipedia are your friends Harassers can be blocked, deleted, and avoided. More tips:   Reporting harassment and cyberbullying is getting easier. Adopt two important IRL rules: – – NO identifying IRL information goes on-line No on-line behaviors that would not be acceptable IRL  There are new laws about cyberbullying in Missouri. If you read further down that article… “The Missouri measure also requires school officials to tell police about harassment and stalking on school grounds and expands state laws against stalking to cover "credible threats" not only against the victim but against family and household members and animals…” Outcomes of Bullying       Peer rejection Maladaptive internalizing and/or externalizing of problems Depressive symptoms and suicidal ideation Loneliness Obesity Eating Disorders Outcomes continued:       Substance abuse and addiction Romantic and relationship problems Personality Disorders Dislike of women in general… “I’m a woman, and I think women are generally bad.” Poor self-esteem Contagion…RA/SA is interpersonally transmitted. If you allow it, it spreads. Bottom line:  Understanding RA/SA helps us understand a significant factor in the adjustment problems in girls. The Ophelia Project and Related Efforts Campaigns for saving our girls Original material copyright 2008 Dr. April Foreman all rights reserved. All other copyrights and trademarks are the property of their respective holders. www.docforeman.com Recent attention on Girl Bullying    Attention to RA/SA, Girl Bullying picked up in the 1990s. Mary Pipher and The Ophelia Project “Mean Girls” movement – – Tina Fey Rosalind Wiseman  Academic research and the popular media Tomorrow: Recognizing and Intervening in Girl Bullying Meeting the needs of Bullies, Targets, and Girls in the Middle Original material copyright 2008 Dr. April Foreman all rights reserved. All other copyrights and trademarks are the property of their respective holders. www.docforeman.com Girl Bullying: Helping mean girls make nice Meeting the needs of Bullies, Targets, and Girls in the Middle April C. Foreman, Ph.D. Original material copyright 2008 Dr. April Foreman all rights reserved. All other copyrights and trademarks are the property of their respective holders. www.docforeman.com Archetypes from Childhood What the Stepsisters are Feeling Relational Bullying in our own Childhoods     What was yesterday like for you? What surprising reactions did you have? What insights did you have? What do you need today? Queen Bees & Wannabes     Rosalind Wiseman, 2002 Basis of “Mean Girls” movie Most common taxonomy for classifying roles of girl bullying My most recommended resource for *parents* of girls facing problems related to relational aggression WARNING:     Withholding judgment is important Interventions are much less effective when we judge the people we are trying to help. Perspective taking makes a difference Motivations and functions of roles Queen Bee      Other girls/peers do what she wants Her complaints about others are limited to how “lame” they are Exclusive vs. inclusive Charming to adults…Eddie Haskell Won’t take responsibility when she hurts others feelings Queen Bee, continued     If she feels she has been wronged she feels justified in taking revenge Often appears the “nicest” Least likely to explicitly recognize her status If you move her to a new environment, she’ll find new sidekicks and continue her behavior Queen Bee: Benefits and Costs      Power and control over her environment Attention and superficial admiration Relies on her role for sense of self May be at risk for less desirable psychological outcomes Parents may value her role as “Queen Bee” and may not intervene Sidekick      Lieutenant, Second-in-command Power comes from Queen Bee Most similar to Queen Bee May execute bullying behaviors on behalf of the Queen Bee More able to change behaviors if moved to a new environment Sidekick: Benefits and Costs      Power over others, reflected status Safest from bullying by Queen Bee Feels popular and included May be disconnected from her own identity Highest risk of RA/SA contagion and consequences Banker:      Collects gossip and uses it as relational currency Strategic thinker Secretive Rarely the subject of conflict Seems to be friends with everyone…treated like a pet Banker, continued   May be a physical “late bloomer” Sneaks under the radar because she appears cute and harmless Banker: Benefits and Costs    Power and security Other girls do not trust her May appear “nice” but struggle with empathy Floater       Friends in different groups Passes easily from one group to another Doesn’t have one of the the “3 Ds” Nice, but not sophisticated; Pretty, but not beautiful Avoids conflict May have skills to stand up to Queen Bee Floater   Inclusive vs. Exclusive Moderate social power Floater: Benefits and Costs      Better self-esteem Identity less tied to any single group Assertive and good negotiation skills Can be an asset in resolving bullying Not a reasonable role for girls who are truly exceptional or who, by their very nature will stand out or be more competitive The Torn Bystander      “Girl in the Middle” Doesn’t like what the Queen Bee does, but feels powerless to stop her Often in situations where she feels she must choose between friends Very easily influence by the clique Tries to accommodate everyone The Torn Bystander, continued   Can’t say, “No.” “Goes along to get along” The Torn Bystander: Benefits and Costs       Avoids being a target of bullying Access to perks of popularity and status Not well respected by anyone Confused and insecure Sacrificed identity Reduces her threat to Queen Bee through playing down her strengths and abilities Pleaser/Messenger/Wannabe      Similar to Sidekick and Torn Bystander, but without sense of security, or conflicting emotions Identity comes from Queen Bee Desperately needs clique’s approval Always in the middle of the drama Does the other girls’ dirty work Pleaser/Messenger/Wannabe, con’t.  Loves gossip and prides herself on being “in the loop” Pleaser/Messenger/Wannabe: Benefits and Costs       Feels included Enjoys the energy of “the drama” Lacks authenticity Not well-respected by peers Poor boundaries and assertiveness skills Poor identity development Target     Often has one or more of the “3 Ds” Lack of social power or alliances Feels helpless Remember the list from yesterday? Target: Benefits and Costs     May have objectivity and more secure friendships Sense of self outside of clique Doesn’t have as much to lose by standing up to Queen Bee But may have other poor psychological outcomes Social “Maps”  Clique maps Activity     Break into groups by pen color Develop a case study of “Girl Bullying” Draw on your own experiences or professional dilemmas Remove or alter any identifying information Case Conceptualization    Trade case studies Systematic Case Conceptualization: A guide to breaking down the components of girl bullying Helps us with objectivity, perspective taking, and developing insight Intervention: “12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”    Dellasega & Nixon, 2003 Education of kids, parents, teachers, helping professionals Prevention – – – – Teach and model a culture of care and empathy Teaching assertive conflict resolution skills Teaching benign interpersonal attribution bias Arranging a variety activities and opportunities for skill and self-esteem development Intervention: “12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying” – – – Some recommend encouraging girls to intervene in RA/SA when they see it. What do *you* think about this? The power of supervision: Redirection and distraction Helping girls identify their social power and using it to help and include less popular girls Intervention: “12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”  Give girls the courage to be kind – – – – – – Teaching girls to evaluate relationships Developing a broad friendship network Holding girls accountable for RA/SA Encouraging girls to connect in ways that are kind instead of cruel. Do girls need to use exclusion to be a cohesive group, e.g.? Build self-confidence and self-esteem Teaching assertive skills to replace aggressive ones Intervention: “12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”  Intervene with the first hurts – – – Respectful behavior contracts Safe spaces and safe people to turn to Help girls talk through RA when you observe it:      Who holds the power? Who makes the rules? How could the outcome be changed? What would help a bystander take a stand? Whose responsibility is it to change RA/bullying behaviors? Intervention: “12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying” – Avoid demonizing aggressors. They need help, too. Help them resolve issues that motivate RA/SA.  Avoid the the blame game – – – – – Don’t try to take over and “solve the problem” Adopt a “coaching” mentality www.sharonday.com Focus on the group, not the girl Listen first, act later Intervention: “12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying” – – – Attempt to maintain objectivity Deal with your own baggage Your number one job is to keep everyone safe When is professional help needed?   Enlist the help of others – Changing the culture – – Raising awareness and advocacy Providing alternative ways of relating Intervention: “12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”   Help girls find other outlets and opportunities Soothe and support girls – – Validate instead of minimize hurts Encourage sharing of wisdom and experience   Tool kits of options for coping Change the system: The personal is political Intervention: Techniques suggested by research      Overt rules about RA/SA In/out rule Teaching assertive responses to disruptive children Sensitizing parents to RA/SA in marital conflict CBT with focus on decreasing hostile attribution bias Intervention: Techniques suggested by research   Assertiveness skills training Shaping clique distaste for/values about RA/SA – “Girls don’t like girls who…”    Reducing opportunities for boredom Improve girls’ comfort with competition Recognize and nurture girls who are good “defenders” Intervention: Techniques suggested by research  Gossip interruption – 1st negative comment *must* be followed by challenging comment for benefit Intervention: For Parents     Managerial practices – Choosing schools, activities, and social opportunites Educational practices – Supervision, advice, consultation Watch out for over-empathizing Can the parent hear that his/her child is a bully/sidekick/wannabe/target? Intervention: For Parents   Should parents call the parents of others involved? Queen Bees & Wannabees, pg. 135-150 is a good response guide for parents Intervention: For Schools  Whole school policies – – – – – “General statements” are not enough Concrete statements about what is acceptable Specific policies for faculty and students when bullying is suspected Focused programs for bullies and targets Focus on positive goals rather than punishing negative behaviors Intervention: For Schools    Curricular interventions: Anti-bullying curriculum Targeting individual aggressors and victims Training teachers and staff in RA/SA – – Teachers intervene in only 1/6 of playground bullying and 1/5 of classroom bullying Research shows training significantly improves intervention ratios Intervention: For Schools   Structure playground time, lunch time, and other times when boredom may be contributing to instances to bullying Workbooks Intervention: Tips for success    Don’t use words to describe the girls’ characters or personalities Use words that concretely describe the behavior patterns Active listening skills – – – Open-ended questions Accept/validate her POV Avoid problem-solving Intervention: Tips for success – – – Offer options Ask a girl, “What do *you* think you should do?” Don’t tell her just to “ignore” it.  Does that really work? Activity  Develop interventions for your case study Wrapping up  Issues I didn’t address – – – Culture and SES influences on RA/SA Lots and lots of Developmental Theory, Systems Theory, and Feminist Theory What else did I miss?   Q&A Email list for follow-up survey Visit my web-site      www.docforeman.com Contact me Access power point slides Consultation and training options for your staff I enjoyed working with you! Let’s do it again some time…