How to Survive An Evil Cult Humor

							Title:
How to Survive An Evil Cult (Humor)

Word Count:
467

Summary:
Let's not look back on our particip
ation in cult rituals as evil... ju
st as a learning experience.


Keywords:
Cults, humor, JK Ellis, mind control
, hypnosis, NLP


Article Body:
Below are some basic tips for evil
cult leaders and members:

Pick one faith and stay with it. Di
lettantism is the mark of an amateu
r.

Familiarize yourself with the speci
fications for sacrificial victims,
and ensure that unacceptable substi
tutes cannot be unexpectedly introd
uced into the ceremony.
If the penalty for not-to-specs wor
k is death and/or mutilation, consi
der working for a more fault-tolera
nt deity.

Avoid needless embarrassment. Pract
ice the correct pronunciation of yo
ur deity's name in the privacy of y
our own room before chanting it in
public. Flash cards are often helpf
ul.

Before agreeing to impregnation by
a supernatural being, investigate t
he survival rate of the other women
 who have undergone the procedure.

Never invoke anything bigger than yo
ur head.

Eschew deities whose followers are
all young; such faith groups usuall
y employ an unpleasant retirement p
rocedure.

Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over t
en pounds in weight - it attracts u
nwelcome attention from tourists, p
olicemen, various supernatural crea
tures, and can be downright dangero
us during thunderstorms. Its jingli
ng also tends to warn the hero of y
our approach.

Citronella candles may not be used
in rituals. I cannot stress this en
ough. Pastel colored candles in the
 shape of cute animals are like dir
ect sunlight to the Powers of Darkn
ess.

Fluorescent lighting is very annoyi
ng to most netherworldly creatures.


When the Black Mass goes awry, stay
 away from the Evil Priest. Enraged
 demons always go for the pompous.

When a religious artifact begins em
itting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thou
sands of cult members could be save
d every year if they followed this
simple safety tip.

When mutilating cattle, avoid the o
nes with testicles.

During ritual sacrificing, taking b
its home for later is now generally
 considered "bad form."
Contrary to historical belief, drug
s and invocations do not mix. When
the ritual goes awry, it is vitally
 necessary to be able to discern be
tween the gibbering monstrosity to
pump full of silver bullets and the
 gibbering monstrosity that will fa
de away after a few hours, some B c
omplex, and a good hot bath.

Piety and belief are powerful thing
s, and few forces in nature, can st
and against one who is true to his
faith, his god/goddess, and the dea
l made in exchange for the soul. Ho
wever, it is also true that gods te
nd toside with the heaviest artille
ry, so be prepared to change sides
at the drop of a hat.

For those situations where a fresh,
 living, sacrifice is not available
, the lower ranks of demons can be
fooled by microwaving a previously
frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleve
rly jiggling it. However, a mock vi
ctim sculpted from SPAM is unaccept
able.

Instead of picking human victims wh
o are young, virginal and innocent
(and tend to turn out to be the Her
o's girlfriend), see if you can sub
stitute mass murderers, lawyers, an
d other people who won't be missed.