Student Libel 2010

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					                                                                       MASCOT CHANGE




                                     CADENZA, 8
                                               Chancellor
                                           Wrighton eyes
                                           higher rankings
                                                                             Stop reading off a
                                                                            piece of paper and
                                                                         join the 21st century
                                                                                            @
                                                                                                           STUDLIFE.COM

           STUDENT LIBEL
              the independent newspaper of Washing ton Universit y in St . L ouis since eighteen sevent y-eight
 Vol. 4-8-15, No. 16-23-42                                                                   www.studlife.com                                                            Wednesday, March 31, 2010


                                               MORALITY ON CAMPUS
                                                                                                                                            Student Life writes
         Woods-Smith Center for Making                                                                                                      yet another article
                                                                                                                                            on Nick Yozamp
        Moral Decisions to open next spring                                                                                                 Many more planned for the future
                                                                                                                                            Winthrop Thomas III, Esq.                   “Rufus has been a beloved
                                                                                                                                            Crushin’ on Nick Yozamp                 member of the Yozamp fam-
                                                                                                                                                                                    ily since 1997,” said Kendrick
                                                                                                                                                                                    Rookwood, the reporter assigned
                                                                                                                                                Student Life’s coverage of          to parts 1-3 of the story, referring
                                                                                                                                            Nick Yozamp’s victory of the            to the Yozamp family dog. “I am
                                                                                                                                            2010 Jeopardy! College Champi-          shocked that no one has talked to
                                                                                                                                            onship will take on new territory,      him yet.”
                                                                                                                                            as the staff plans to write a series        Outside of the planned inter-
                                                                                                                                            of articles about Yozamp over the       view with Rufus, the paper has
                                                                                                                                            next month.                             been tightlipped about plans for
                                                                                                                                                The entire staff has religiously    the series.
                                                                                                                                            followed and detailed Yozamp’s              Readers of the paper, such as
                                                                                                                                            appearances on the semifinals            freshman Jason Potts, are excited
                                                                                                                                            and finals of Jeopardy! After he         for the upcoming series.
                                                                                                                                            won, the staff did not want to let a        “The coverage they were
                                                                                                                                            good story go unreported. Various       doing was okay, but I really felt
                                                                                                                                            reporters analyzed what the vic-        that they did not talk to enough
                                                                                                                                            tory meant to Wash. U.; St. Louis;      people about the details and
                                                                                                                                            St. Cloud, Minn.; and the United        impact of Yozamp’s victory,”
                                                                                                                                            States as a whole.                      Potts said. “They need to talk to
                                                                                                                                                Staff reporters have inter-         more of his fifth cousins.”
                                                                                                                                            viewed, among others, family,               Some students have ques-
                                                                                                                                            friends, family friends, friends        tioned whether this series is
                                                                                                                                            of family friends, Alex Trebek          necessary.
                                                                                                                                            and Gerald, a Jeopardy! intern              “Stud Life has already told me
                                                                                                                                            who came up with a $400 ques-           that Nick Yozamp is amazing,”
                                                                                                                                            tion which Yozamp answered              junior Amanda Boredman said.
                                                                                                                                            correctly on his first appearance        “Do they really need to remind
                                                                                                                                            on the show. Student Life’s next        me again?”
                                                                                                                                            story, to be published in 10 parts          We did not interview Yozamp
                                                                                                                                            over the next month, will describe      for the article, believing that he
                                                                                                                                            Yozamp’s victory even more              would not have any relevant infor-
    Bob Blagojevich                       “Something has to be         resigned from the Missouri        senator tightly clenched his       thoroughly.                             mation for our series.
    News Reporter                     done. Wash. U. has never         State Senate after pleading       petite, brunette girlfriend.
                                      had disciplinary issues like     guilty.                               A recently published poll

        Chancellor Mark Wrigh-
    ton announced Monday that
                                      this before,” Wrighton said
                                      in a statement to Student Life
                                      last month.
                                                                           The Center cannot open
                                                                       until Smith’s jail term is
                                                                       complete.
                                                                                                         showed that 97 percent of
                                                                                                         Wash. U. students approve of
                                                                                                         the Center.
                                                                                                                                            Ecologist names
    the Woods-Smith Center for
    Making Moral Decisions
    will open on campus for the
                                          Wrighton’s wish was
                                      answered by America’s new-
                                      est moral superstar: Tiger
                                                                           “I am excited for this opp.
                                                                       to contribute to the Wash. U.
                                                                       comm.,” Smith Tweeted from
                                                                                                             “This is sweet. I idol-
                                                                                                         ize Tiger Woods. If he ever
                                                                                                         comes to campus, do you
                                                                                                                                            WU Republican
    spring 2011 semester.
        The Wash. U. campus has
    been devoid of moral fiber
                                      Woods. Last week the school
                                      received an endowment from
                                      Woods, to open the new
                                                                       his jail cell. “I have tons to
                                                                       teach the students.”
                                                                           Smith’s statement was
                                                                                                         think he can teach me to pick
                                                                                                         up chicks?” said Freshman
                                                                                                         Bobby Delvecchio.
                                                                                                                                            endangered species
    since the Center of Ethics        ethics center. Woods’ sole       broken into 140-character             “Oh my! Tiger is such a        Fellatio Hawkins                           Mario Fettuccini, a senior
    and Human Values was shut         condition was that the found-    segments so he could fit it        hottie. If I go to the center,     Super-Senior Political Analyst         biology major who helped
    down. The administration has      ing director of the center be    onto his Twitter page.            maybe he’ll take me out to                                                Schmidt with his research,
    noted a slew of unforeseen        former Missouri state Sen.           “I have much to share         dinner,” junior Cherri McAd-                                              offered insight into what the
    side effects of the closing.      and current prison-yard bas-     based on my personal experi-      ams said.                               Dr. Andromedus Schmidt,           Republicans might try to do to
        Students have been run-       ketball star Jeff Smith.         ences. I could totes teach the        McAdams’ dreams just           a member of the International          increase their numbers.
    ning rampant around campus,           Smith is currently serving   SU candidates to run a bomb       might come true:                   Union for Conservation of                  “Clearly, Republicans are not
    taking part in all sorts of       out his sentence in jail after   campaign next year,” Smith            “I would be happy to           Nature (IUCN) and an ecology           adequately equipped to survive
    debauchery. Library late fees     pleading guilty to two counts    Tweeted.                          teach women of all ages the        professor in the Wash. U. biol-        in the Wash. U. ecosystem the
    have gone up by 3,000 per-        of conspiracy to obstruct jus-       Smith would not com-          finer points of morality,” said     ogy department, has convinced          way they’re going about things
    cent, and students have been      tice during his 2004 electoral   ment on his partnership           Woods in an official state-         his organization to add Wash. U.       now,” Schmidt said. “They need
    throwing recyclable items in      campaign. Smith, who used        with Woods, but during the        ment, “Maybe they can teach        Republican to the list of endan-       to find a new niche that they can
    the bins marked “landfill.”        to teach at the University,      news conference the former        me something in return.”           gered species in light of his          use to grow and prosper, kind of
                                                                                                                                            recently completed research of         like how the Young Americans
                                                                                                                                            the Wash. U. habitat.                  for Liberty did that gulag demon-
                                                      KEY PLAYERS                                                                                “It seems that despite their      stration thingy last semester, but
                                                                                                                                            ability to prosper in many parts       not as weird or disturbing.”
                                                                                                                                            of Missouri, Republicans have a            Fettuccini, as well as others
                                          Tiger Woods                          Jeff Smith                                                   hard time thriving in the Wash.
                                                                                                                                            U. ecosystem,” said Schmidt.
                                                                                                                                                                                   involved in the project, are advo-
                                                                                                                                                                                   cating for a preserve to protect
      A lot has transpired                                                                                 Please don’t let                 “Their niche of group meet-            the remaining Wash. U. Repub-
          in my life. A lot                                                                                my mistakes sour                 ings, guest speakers and Student       licans. This preserve would not
                                                                                                                                            Life editorials has been increas-      be open to the public, but would
       of ugly things have                                                                                 you on active civic              ingly taken over by the Wash.          instead protect the Republicans
        happened. Things                                                                                   involvement. There               U. Democrats, who seem to be           from their natural predators,
          that…I’ve done                                                                                   are no perfect                   growing exponentially. Our team        which include the liberal bias in
                                                                                                           people…but I                     at IUCN is still perplexed as to       the media and the political sci-
          some pretty bad                                                                                                                   why the Democrats are thriv-           ence department.
         things in my life.                                                                                hope you’ll find a               ing in this environment, while             Schmidt is optimistic about
     And uh, all came to                                                                                   candidate or a cause             the Republicans are shrinking in       the positive effects that the pre-
        a head. But now,                                                                                   in which you believe             number. Some say it’s the teach-       serve might have in making sure
                                                                                                                                            ers, some say it’s the drugs, and      that Republicans still have the
    after treatment…I’m                                                                                    and fight for it with            some say it’s Bill O’Reilly, but       ability to compete with the dom-
       getting back to my                                                                                  the same zeal you                none of these hypotheses have          inating Democrat species.
                 old roots.                                                                                fought for me.                   been tested.”                              “It may be our only hope,”
                                                                                                                                                 Schmidt’s research predicts       Schmidt said solemnly. “Without
                                                                                                                                            that if there is not significant        Republicans to balance things
                                                                                                                                            intervention by this upcoming          out a little bit, Wash. U. would
                                                                                                                                            fall, the Wash. U. Republican          be a very blue place indeed.”
                                                                                                                                            may be extinct as soon as 2013.




   Sorority pledge doesn’t love Mommy
Boney McFingers                     given her.                         that her mommy left outside         more shampoo.”                       “I like can’t stand her!”           “restraining orders cannot be
Fratty Light Reporter                  “She is like the biggest        her room yesterday.                     “Maybe she got in with a     Blakely said, when asked                filed against anonymous peo-
                                    stalker ever!” Blakely said.           “I came back at like 2:30       coat hanger,” Blakely won-       about Helmsley. “She’s like             ple. That’s like really the only
                                    “She like knows my class           yesterday,” Blakely said. “All      dered. “If so, that is like so   so annoying and can’t see               reason I want to know who
   Although most pledges of         schedule and where I live. Just    of my suitemates were gone          creepy.”                         how weird this whole system             she is,” Blakely said. “For all
the Mu Omicron Mu (MOM)             yesterday, this guy I know         after like 10 a.m. and none             Blakely appears to be the    is. I mean, I get it. You love          I know, she can have a past
sorority post Facebook status       in my class gave me a box          of them saw anything outside        only MOM pledge that doesn’t     your mommy, and you don’t               history of stalking.”
updates about how much they         of chocolates from mommy.          my door when they left. The         totally love her mommy. Fel-     find it weird that she knows                As of five minutes ago,
love their mommies, fresh-          How does she like know who         door was like totally closed,       low pledge Blair Helmsley        every detail about your life.”          Blakely’s mommy’s Face-
man pledge Mallory Blakely          I have class with?”                so there’s no way she could         has posted 10 statuses in the        Blakely    acknowledged             book status read, “I love my
is fed up with the attention           Blakely was especially          have gotten in. And her gifts       last three days about how        that she wants to know who              baby girl!!!! Can’t wait for
that her pledge mommy has           disturbed by the gift basket       were awful! I do not need           much she loves her mommy.        her mommy is, because                   reveal!!!!!!!!”




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   2 STUDENT LIBEL | OLDS                          Olds Editor / Gidget Bananasbuns / complainhere@studlife.com                                                       WEDNESDAY | MARCH 31, 2010




THE FLIPSIDE
                                                                                                            weatherforecast
                                                                                                            Wednesday 31                                Thursday 1
                                                                                                            Sunny                                       Snow Storms
                                                                                                            High 85                                     High 5
                                                                                                            Low 70                                      Low -10




eventcalendar                                          Campus
                                                       Jeff Nelson pardons smokers, himself
                                                                                                                                        policebeat
                                                                                                                                        PROPERTY DAMAGE—9:17 a.m.
                                                                                                                                        Location: DARDICK HOUSE                LARCENY—7:34 a.m.
                                                                                                                                                                               Location: WHISPERS CAFÉ

WEDNESDAY 31                                               In a controversial move just hours before his term ended, former SU          Description: Student allegedly
                                                                                                                                                                               Description: Employees questioned
                                                                                                                                        printed 7.23 million sheets of paper
                                                       President Jeff Nelson tyrannically issued a press release stating his par-                                              for not giving students free shit.
                                                                                                                                        for complete Dungeons and Dragons
                                                       dons as he ate waffles during late night Village hours. Most notably, he                                                 Disposition: Pending.
                                          newsbriefs
                                                                                                                                        manual.
Debate: Are Wash. U. Colors                            pardoned himself for choosing the Microsoft Live@edu e-mail service              Disposition: Reamed by police.
Christmas Colors?                                      over the overwhelming popular and preferred Gmail. He provided no                                                       DOMESTIC
Lab Sci 300, 6 p.m.-8 p.m.                             explanation for this initial choice but made it clear that this pardon was                                              DISTURBANCE—10:13 a.m.
Representatives from the Catholic                                                                                                       LARCENY—6:05 a.m.
                                                       necessary for him to resume life as a common man. Additionally, he par-                                                 Location: WASHINGTON AVE.
Student Center, Chabad on Campus                                                                                                        Location: VERY PUBLIC PLACE
                                                       doned all those who will smoke on campus after the July 1st smoking ban          Description: Student’s laptop stolen   Description: Student tip-toed on
and the art school will discuss this
pressing issue from all angles and                     is instituted. With this pardon, it seems that the campus community has a                                               the sidewalk and disrupted the
                                                                                                                                        when he left his one of a kind white
take students’ questions. The debate                   power struggle between the administration and the former SU president                                                   neighborhood.
                                                                                                                                        MacBook unlocked and unattended
will be moderated by Rudolph                                                                                                                                                   Disposition: Arrested and
R. N. Reindeer, a distinguished                        to look forward to. Who will win?                                                in the DUC commons.
                                                                                                                                                                               imprisoned without trial.
researcher in the field of sustainable                                                                                                   Disposition: Ostracized by everyone
transportation practices.
                                                       Trevor Mattea cast in Spamalot, Chase Sackett                                    for being an idiot.


Alternative Lifestyles Association
                                                       under house arrest

                                                                                                                                            quoteoftheday
Presents: Hump Day!
Your Pants, All Night Long                                 Trevor Mattea was cast as the “Oppressed Peasant” in the Fox The-
Get through your hump day in style!                    ater’s new production of Spamalot. In the production’s program, he
Alternative Lifestyles Association                     thanks Chase Sackett and Constitutional Council for helping him pre-
(ALA) is encouraging each and
every student to get humping on                        pare for this breakout role. In other news, Chase Sackett is under house
hump day for a more fun and stress-                    arrest after a coup d’état failed to topple Chancellor Wrighton and the
free week. Free condoms and sexual
partners will be available to students
in SHS.
                                                       administration’s current regime.

                                                       Girls hold vigil outside Hilltop                                                      “I would
THURSDAY 1
                                                           The tears couldn’t drown out the reality that Hilltop will be going
                                                       to a better place next year. Girls lit candles outside the establishment
                                                       to memorialize the lost salad, hummus and grapes. Although there is a
                                                                                                                                           be happy to
Protest of all Protests with
Students United Against Protests
                                                       similarly styled salad station in the DUC, the girls said they fear that the
                                                       greens will be tainted from the testosterone that flows from the adjacent
                                                       taco station.
                                                                                                                                          teach women
                                                                                                                                            of all ages
Olin Library, 5:30 p.m.-7:30 p.m.
Students United Against Protests
(SUAP), a new student group, will
be staging a gathering of people                       Sigma Chi brother knocked off Project Runway
outside the library in an effort to
                                                       before first round
reduce the number of protests on
campus. All students are encouraged
to help out by screaming at people
and just causing havoc in general.
                                                           Brother Joe Orange had a vision to transform the way fashion inter-
                                                       acts with society when he was, as he says, unfairly kicked off Project
                                                                                                                                             the finer
1st Annual “Get the Junk Out of
Your Trunk”-athon
                                                       Runway before the show even started. But luckily for the avant-garde
                                                       Wash. U. campus, Mr. Orange has shared the fruit of his talent with his
                                                       Sigma Chi brothers. Clad in bright orange sweatsuits, the brothers can                points of
                                                                                                                                            morality.”
South 40 Fitness Center, 3 p.m.-6 p.m.                 be seen parading around campus metaphorically slapping the producers
Green Action and the South 40
Fitness Center will be joining                         of Project Runway in the face for their ludicrous decision. Although the
together and encouraging students                      brothers insist that there is no correlation between the orange sweatsuits
to take a little junk out of everyone’s                and their decline in lady luckiness, the men will stop wearing the sweat
trunk. Extra treadmills and trash                      suits in 23 days when the University administration demands that they
bins will be made available for all
students, staff and faculty to try to
get everyone to lessen their load a
                                                       be washed. Proving their strength as men and brothers, Sigma Chi fra-
                                                       ternity members will continue to wear the heavy hoodies and pants as
                                                                                                                                                    Tiger Woods, disgraced golf star,
little bit.                                            the weather tops 80 degrees.                                                                         on the WSCMMD



    Urinal is the word on campus Students                                                          American Standard
                                                                                                   Chief Pee Pee Correspondent
                                                                                                                                        mistaking
                                                                                                       When Phil Pizzonmee was
                                                                                                   an undergraduate student at
                                                                                                   Wash. U., it was common for
                                                                                                   buildings to be named after big
                                                                                                                                        leggings
                                                                                                   donors. Although this practice
                                                                                                   is still commonplace, unique
                                                                                                   nooks and crannies are now
                                                                                                   being named for donors. This
                                                                                                   week, Mr. Pizzonmee became
                                                                                                                                        for pants
                                                                                                   the first alum to have a urinal       Solow Hardtail                         patrons must wear pants. These
                                                                                                   named after him on campus.           Tight Ass Reporter                     signs are not useful, however, if
                                                                                                       The urinal, in the men’s                                                no one can tell where pants stop
                                                                                                   bathroom on the first floor of                                                and where leggings begin.
                                                                                                   Crow Hall, is near and dear to           The definition of pants at              When asked the difference
                                                                                                   Mr. Pizzonmee’s heart.               Washington University has dis-         between pants and leggings,
                                                                                                       “I was a physics major in        appeared as female students            sophomore Gina Henshaw
                                                                                                   college, and it brings me such       replace traditional pants with         replied that there was no
                                                                                                   great pleasure to know that my       leggings.                              difference.
                                                                                                   donation will aide the future            The number of female                   “What I don’t understand
                                                                                                   physicists of the world,” Piz-       students going pantless has            is when girls wear pants and a
                                                                                                   zonmee said of the urinal,           increased by 200 percent this          skirt,” Henshaw said. “I mean,
                                                                                                   which he contributed to the          semester. The sudden increase          pick one. You definitely don’t
                                                                                                   physics building.                    has been accompanied by mass           need both.”
                                                                                                       Now when students use the        confusion on campus, where
                                                                                                   urinal, they will be able to see     students, professors and work-
                                                                                                   the Pizzonmee plaque staring         ers can no longer tell whether
                                                                                                   up at them.                          or not someone is in fact wear-
                                                                                                       Pizzonmee seems to be a          ing pants.
                                                                                                   trendsetter. Mr. Irving Cohen            “You get in trouble for
                                                                                                   Umrath Pea, another Wash. U.         everything these days,” Os Haig,
                                                                                                   Arts & Sciences alum, has also       senior, said. “Guys get kicked
                                                                                                   decided to buy a urinal. His         out of bars if their pants are too
                                                                                                   plaque will read: I.C.U. Pea.        baggy, and girls get accused of
                                                                                                       Students are fans of the new     walking around half-naked if
                                                                                                   plaques.                             their pants are too tight. It’s all
                                                                                                       “I think that it is great that   just pants!”
                                                                                                   alums are getting involved. It           The problem, according to
                                                                                                   is really quite nice to know that    Professor Yuriko Browne who
                                                                                                   they care about the school, not      teaches fashion design at the
                                                                                                   just the big things like build-      Sam Fox School of Design &
                                                                                                   ings, but the small details too,”    Visual Arts, is that leggings and
                                                                                                   freshman Harold Atkins said.         pants have merged to the point
                                                                                                       These urinal plaques follow      that they are literally indistin-
                                                                                                   the trend of naming corners          guishable to everyone under
                                                                                                   after alums. Members of the          thirty-five.
                                                                                                   Wash. U. community expect                “One day people will look
                                                                                                   electrical fixtures to be the next    at traditional women’s pants
                                                                                                   set of alumni-sponsored goods.       and see that they have gone the
                                                                                                   Look out in the next couple of       same way as the corset,” Browne
                                                                                                   months for lights, speakers and      said.
                                                                                                   projectors named after high-             The trend has forced Whis-
                                                                                                   level donors. To have a urinal       pers and other restaurants on
                                                                                                   named in your honor, you can         and off campus to replace “No
                                                                                                   contact Chancellor Mark              Shoes, No Shirt, No Service,”
                                                                                                   Wrighton directly.                   with signs that also state that all
                                                               YELL DRIP | BATHROOM SURVEILLANCE




  u can has news studlife.com
WEDNESDAY | MARCH 31, 2010                                          Olds Editor / Gidget Bananasbuns / complainhere@studlife.com                                               STUDENT LIBEL| OLDS              3




    Orchid Room is more fun than Fun Room
Tell teh kittehs 2 close their eyez                                                                                                                                                        KANDI CORN | STUDENT LIFE



Mallard Canard                        the Fun Room in the DUC.           the remaining 89 percent call-    power cords.”                    is adjacent to the Orchid            for the DUC, are working
“El Capitan”                             Survey respondent Leslie        ing the design either “slightly       Graduate student Pat         Room, providing even more            to add more fun to the Fun
                                      Rove, a sophomore said, “The       not fun” or “not even close to    McFeasible was not sur-          fun.                                 Room.
                                      Orchid Room is totally more        fun.”                             prised by the results, noting        Freshman Stacy Larrie               “We thought the pool
   The Orchid Room in the             fun. I mean, there are pretty          The Orchid Room, located      that the chairs in the Orchid    said, “That outdoor space is         table would make the Fun
Danforth University Center is         flowers all around. Also, the      at the south end of the food      Room have backs, as opposed      so nice on nice days. And that       Room more fun, but we
more fun than the Fun Room,           doors have an orchid pattern       service area, also beat out the   to those “sack-like things       brick wall is so pretty, even if     apparently need to do more,”
according to a survey sent to         on them.”                          Millstone Lounge and Career       filled with foam beans” that     the other side of it does look       Springs said. “We’re look-
undergraduate students.                  Only 11 percent of sur-         Center Candy Bowl for the         are found in the Fun Room.       like the Berlin Wall. But who        ing forward to implementing
   According to the survey,           vey respondents described          most fun space in the DUC.        “Honestly, have you ever tried   sees the other side?”                student suggestions, such as
74 percent of respondents said        the colored-circles pattern        Café Bergson was a close sec-     to get comfortable in one of         Officials from the Univer-       balloons, streamed-in music,
the Orchid Room was “more             on the Fun Room’s sliding          ond, but lost because students    those things?” he asked.         sity, including Nellie Springs,      and puppies. Well, maybe not
fun” or “way more fun” than           ‘garage doors’ as “fun,” with      “frequently trip over Mac             The Southeast Courtyard      assistant director of facilities     puppies.”




Pre-med student with 3.89 GPA
says he’s still hanging in there
Melvin Schwartzengoggle          like in Cell Biology, Organic           shadowing his father for the         “My grades are the way        there’s more to class than just          After he has a well-estab-
Ehrlenmeyer Flask Extraordinaire Chemistry, Biology I and                past three summers in an          they are only because of my      getting good grades.                 lished dermatology practice,
                                 maybe both semesters of                 effort to gain experience that    extremely busy extra-curric-        “A lot of people are con-         Jenkins plans to open derma-
                                 General Chemistry as well,”             would be beneficial to his        ular schedule, which includes    cerned with just getting all         tology clinics in sub-Saharan
    Ziggy Jenkins, a soph- said Jenkins. “However, my                    career.                           Pre-Med Society, Campus Y,       A’s,” he said. “But that’s not       Africa.
omore biology major who family and I both know that                         “I just know that working      Globemed and EST,” he said.      the only thing that class is all         “I feel that I need to give
aspires to attend Washington I was always destined to get                with my dad is one of those       “Also, my GPA has received       about. That’s why I sit in the       back to the world after it
University medical school into med school, so I’m just                   things that will elevate my       a solid boost from really easy   front row every day and go to        offers so much to me,” he
and be a practicing dermatol- going to keep working at it.”              applications to med school,”      classes like Writing I, Calcu-   office hours whenever I’m not        said. “Now if you’ll excuse
ogist, is very optimistic about     Jenkins’ father, Dr. Alex-           he said.                          lus II and everything in the     in class, so I can get to know       me, I need to work on my
his future, despite a less-than- ander Graham Jenkins, is a                 Jenkins doesn’t think          Anthropology Department.         the professors better than           Physiology midterm. An A -
ideal grade point average.       Wash. U. School of Medi-                that his lack of stellar grades   Those humanities kids just       your average student. Those          just isn’t going to cut it at this
    “I know that some of my cine graduate and prominent                  will be a deterrent in get-       don’t know what it’s like to     relationships will really make       point.”
grades weren’t as good as dermatologist at Barnes Jew-                   ting accepted into medical        be a pre-med.”                   a difference when I’m apply-
I was hoping they could be, ish Hospital. Ziggy has been                 school.                              Jenkins points out that       ing to medical school.”




Citing incidents, WU                                                                                       Smoking community
to rename W.I.L.D.                                                                                         frantically draws up
‘C.A.L.M.’: Come                                                                                           ways to get around
                                                                                                           next year’s smoking ban
and Lose Memory                                                                                            Flatland Sanders                 convenient because I can just        campus and light up,” said
                                                                                                           Marlboro Cowboy                  spit in the toilet bowl as I         Brad Blacklung, a sopho-
                                                                                                                                            go. I’m hoping that he won’t         more. “I can just walk to
Colonel Angus                             Marizewski went on to          challenging us to brown out                                        think that I’m just masturbat-       Wydown, right across from
Whimsical Snob                        explain that the administration    more times than we did last          With the Washington Uni-      ing all the time, but for all        the middle school, whenever
                                      has recently become “hip” to       W.I.L.D.,” he said. “They’re      versity smoking ban taking       that I know, that might be the       I feel like it. That way, my
                                      the purpose of the bi-annual       really being quite supportive     effect this upcoming July,       thing that Wash. U. wants to         secondhand smoke harms the
    After year upon year of           music festival.                    of us students.”                  banning all tobacco con-         outlaw next.”                        St. Louis community instead
dangerously rowdy conduct at              “Let’s get real here,” she         Marizewski pointed out        sumption while on campus             Students who smoke cig-          of the Wash. U. community,
the twice-annual music festival       said. “We know that nobody         that the name is not explicitly   property, all student, staff     arettes have primarily come          making it no longer the con-
W.I.L.D. (Walk In Lay Down),          is actually ‘laying down’ at       in reference to alcohol abuse.    and faculty smokers, snuff-      up with one of two ideas,            cern of the University.”
the Washington University             W.I.L.D., unless they’re too           “We know that our stu-        ers, chewers and dippers are     each with their own pros and             Other ideas have been cir-
administration has finally            piss drunk to stand up and         dents consume alcoholic           starting to exchange ideas       cons.                                culating among the smoking
decided on a name change that         shout obnoxiously or are in        beverages,” she said. “But        about tobacco usage next             The first idea is to smoke       community, such as moving
they hope will encourage bet-         the middle of calling EST on       memory loss can be caused         year.                            only after sundown behind            off-campus, boycotting the
ter behavior among students           behalf of someone who is too       by a variety of other things,        For those students, who       buildings.                           University by not going to
in attendance.                        piss drunk to stand up and         like amnesia, extreme stress,     use snuff, chew and dip,             As senior Natasha Mar-           class/work, or smoking crack
    “The name change to               shout obnoxiously. ‘Come           head trauma, PCP, purple          which do not give off smoke      lboro points out, “The               instead.
C.A.L.M. is something that            and Lose Memory’ is a more         drank and cheesing, and we        fumes during usage, the          potheads get away with it all            “We’re still trying to
we’ve thought about a lot and         realistic depiction of what’s      need to make all students feel    solution seems to be very        the time. However, that also         brainstorm cheap, simple
have finally decided to enact         happening in the quad during       like their harmful practices      simple: use those products       means that we’re going to            and efficient ideas,” said
for the safety of our student         the musical performances.”         are equally supported by the      in the privacy of your own       have to deal with all the pot-       Williams. “We have no idea
body,” said Patricia Marize-              Dylan McMahon, a junior        administration.”                  room. However, this solution     heads when we do that.”              what those could be just yet,
wski, associate assistant to          in the Beta Rho Omicron                Wash. U. is looking for-      becomes slightly compli-             Another issue with that          but we’re hoping to arrive at
the vice co-director of student       (BRO) fraternity, stated that      ward to kicking off the first     cated by those who live in       strategy is that it only works       a good solution soon. We’re
entertainment affairs.                his fraternity brothers are on     official C.A.L.M. in the next     doubles on campus.               for a small portion of one’s         considering every single pos-
    “The name change also             board with the name change.        month, providing students            “I decided that if my         day, which will not be enough        sibility, but the University
demonstrates that the Wash.               “It’s really nice to know      with the invaluable memories      roommate is in the room,         to satisfy the nicotine crav-        isn’t really leaving us with
U. administration understands         that our university can point      of listening to their friends     I’m just going to dip in the     ings of many students, staff         too many options.
what actually goes on at              us in the right direction as far   tell them how ridiculous they     bathroom,” said Ryan Price,      and faculty.
W.I.L.D.,” Marizewski said.           as conduct goes while also         were yesterday afternoon.         a freshman. “It’s especially         “My plan is to just go off
WEDNESDAY | MARCH 31, 2010                                               Veni, Vedi, Vici Editor / Izin Daknow /Caesar@studlife.com                                          STUDENT LIBEL | SCENE                4


 VENI, VEDI, VICI.                                                                                                                           Professors and staff
                                                                                                                                             to undergo caveman
                                                                                                                                              sensitivity training
                                                                                                                                             Diane Lee O’Neder                     like “Hey Cavie where’s your
                                                                                                                                             Gecko in Residence                    club?” or “Know any good
                                                                                                                                                                                   recipes for raw mammoth?”
                                                                                                                                                                                   said Amanda Ugg. “It’s so
                                                                                                                                                 Chancellor Wrighton               ignorant. I mean my ancestors
                                                                                                                                             announced earlier this week           invented the wheel for Christ’s
                                                                                                                                             that all Washington Univer-           sake. They created art that has
                                                                                                                                             sity employees will be required       lasted longer than any fresco of
                                                                                                                                             to attend sensitivity train-          Michelangelo.”
                                                                                                                                             ing after a professor made a              Several protests were held
                                                                                                                                             prejudicial statement in front        last week after word of the
                                                                                                                                             of his class. The inciting inci-      comment spread around cam-
                                                                                                                                             dent occurred last week when          pus. Students, both Cavepeople
                                                                                                                                             a certain chemistry professor         and modern humanoids, gath-
                                                                                                                                             announced to his large lec-           ered Tuesday night to celebrate
                                                                                                                                             ture class that their upcoming        campus diversity and speak out
                                                                                                                                             exam was “so easy, a caveman          against prejudice. Demonstra-
                                                                                                                                             could do it.” Many students           tions like these are in part what
                                                                                                                                             took offense to the remark and        led to Wrighton’s decision to
                                                                                                                                             lodged formal complaints with         institute mandatory sensitivity
                                                                                                                                             the administration.                   training.
                                                                                                                                                 “It’s insulting and inexcus-          “The program will hope-
                                                                                                                                             able,” said Edward Carrington         fully create a greater sense of
                                                                                                                                             Grogg, a senior of Caveman            understanding in our com-



              1                                     2                                                      5
                                                                                                                                             descent. “Are my parents              munity,” explained Wrighton.
                                                                                                                                             Cavepeople? Yes, but they’re          “Freshman floor programs
                                                                                                                                             also doctors and valuable             are also being redesigned to
                                                                                                                                             members of our society.”              include ways to foster dis-
                                                                                                                                                 Grogg and other Cavemen           cussion about any tensions

 Liver & onions                                  Lard                                       Chicken wings                                    students admitted that this is
                                                                                                                                             not the first time they’ve felt
                                                                                                                                                                                   members of the Cave commu-
                                                                                                                                                                                   nity may feel. All in all there
                                                                                                                                             marginalized by members of            will be a lot of small changes
     As Doug’s sister Judy from           This pig-derived fat con-              Although chicken          football-fan masculinity          the University.                       to unite our campus. It’ll all be
Nickelodeon’s 1990s cartoon           centrate, similar to butter,           wings don’t have              to any bedroom situa-                 “You don’t know how               so easy that even…someone of
“Doug” so aptly put it, “In order     can be compared erotically to          the same vegan-               tion. Smear their spicy           many times I’ve heard things          any background could do it.”
to eat liver and onions, you          whipped cream or even the              friendly properties           drizzling sauce on lips
must become liver and onions!”        crude oil once used in ancient         as the soy dog, these         for extra-oomph to seri-
Although this line exists merely      Roman homosocial activities.           superbly acidic and           ous necking or on the
in reference to Doug’s unabated
hatred for the food combination,
it references the corporal, almost-
                                      Mostly consumed in contem-
                                      porary British cuisine, lard can
                                      also be considered akin to the
                                                                             scrumptiously sticky
                                                                             complements to ranch
                                                                                                           inner thigh to make for
                                                                                                           a tantalizing trail to                How to score girls
                                                                             dressing will bring the       your lady’s sweet spot.
earthy quality of the dish. While
the smooth exterior of the liver
                                      sexiness of a British accent to
                                      Americans: foreign, dashing
                                                                             power and scent of true                                             on the WU campus
meat reminds us of our organs         and somehow more cultur-                                                                                                                     pick up some chicks with this
                                      ally cultivated. Even more, the                                                                        Mystery McFine
(and genitals), the rustic, pungent                                                                                                                                                technique.
odor of the onions, reminds us of     solid form of lard is much like                                                                        The Pickup Artist
                                                                                                                                                                                        2. Olin Library: It’s a little
the erotic scent of the body. Com-    any pocket of skin you might                                                                                                                 known fact that Wash. U. stu-
bine these symbolic qualities         massage during foreplay. So                                                                                Have you had trouble get-         dents are studious. That being
with the texture and heated sem-      spread it on, spread it around,                                                                        ting fine Wash. U. girls lately?       said, one of their favorite hang-
blance of these foods across your     use it like lube or knead it                                                                           Has your typically pickup line        out spots is the library. Hitting
naked partner’s body, and you’ll      between your fingers to stimu-                                                                          of, “I’m a pre-med, what’s your       on a girl can be a bit embar-
be ready for a night that’s bound     late your fleshy creativity.                                                                            sign?” been failing you? While        rassing, so it’s best to find a girl
to get physical.



             3                                    4
                                                                                                                                             this campus is teeming with           studying by herself in a booth.
                                                                                                                                             gorgeous girls, maybe a change        If she seems stressed or preoc-
                                                                                                                                             of search strategy is in order.       cupied, it’s not because she’s
                                                                                                                                             Here’s a list of places to hit up     worried about her Organic
                                                                                                                                             if you really want to score girls.    Chemistry exam the next day;
                                                                                                                                                 1. The South 40 gym:              it’s because she’s freaking out
Ranch dressing                                Soy dog                                                                                        There’s a reason this place is
                                                                                                                                             called the Estrogym. While
                                                                                                                                                                                   about finding a date to formal.
                                                                                                                                                                                   Approach her and ask her if
                                                                                                                                             most girls will be huffing             she wants to go down to the
    Stocked with a compa-                 The soy dog is the ecoli-                                                                          and puffing, blasting their            B-stacks and relieve her stress.
rable amount of calories to           free version of the hot dog;                                                                           iPods and reading Cosmo as                 3. The DUC: As the stu-
that of semen, the flavor and         not only can it be warmed                                                                              they work out on the ellipti-         dent center, the DUC is a hot
consistency of ranch dress-           up in the microwave in a                                                                               cal machine, this doesn’t mean        spot for picking up ladies on
ing strewn across a salad             similar fashion to the Pyrex                                                                           that they don’t want to be            campus. The best time to go
of phallic vegetation such            dildo, but it also avoids both                                                                         approached. The best way to           scouting is during lunch, when
as baby carrots and celery            the vegetarian’s dilemma as                                                                            get these girls is to work out on     it is crowded. You should get
sticks is sure to do the trick.       well as any serious bacte-                                                                             the machine next to them and          in a popular line like the Asian
Nearly crude in its bottled           rial concerns. The soy dog                                                                             stare at them. Just stare. When       or salad stations because your
form, once exacted upon a             can be used as a teaser (think                                                                         they finally look up at you,           pickings will be plentiful
salad, sandwich or naked              running its shaft along one’s                                                                          tell them that they’re beautiful      there. Strike up a conversation
body of curvature, ranch              lips in a seductive man-                                                                               even without the makeup that          and don’t worry if the people
dressing comes alive for              ner) or a makeshift sex toy.                                                                           they usually wear. Girls love to      around you are shouting at you
one to lick lustfully, perhaps        Remember, though: Don’t                           Theez iz chikn wings: hot & tasteeee                 be complimented on their natu-        to move up in line; it’s just
in lieu of medically risky            let the soy dog become a                                                                               ral beauty, so you’re sure to         because they’re jealous.
                                                                                                                       MCT CAMPUS
bodily fluid consumption.             replacement for your man!




                                                                                                                                             Eskimo kisses:
            Tomatoes make their                                                                                                                       Innocent nuzzle
             re-debut on campus                                                                                                                       or erotic romp?
                                                                                                                                             A. Concerned Citizen                  extreme. One witness, who
                                                                                                                                                                                   wishes to uphold full anonymity
                                                                                                                                             Iditarod Champion
                                                                                                                                                                                   blabbed, “Last night at a party, I
Tommy Tomato                          District Manager Nadeem            came to Bon Appétit Man-          excited to use the Handy                                                looked in a corner and saw Seth
Infommerical Farmer                   Siddiqui said students should      agement one day as he and         Kitchen Slicer for the new             While abroad in the early        Goldbaum and Rebecca Stein-
                                      not fear, however, for Bon         some other Bon Appétit            tomatoes and is thinking of       years of the new millennia,           berg doing some kind of nose
                                      Appétit has been growing           employees were watching TV        ways she can implement the        Wash. U. students had the unique      slapping, tongue wagging, body
    Students all across cam-          tomatoes on West Campus            in the break room. Siddiqi        newly accessible ingredi-         opportunity to witness real Eski-     bumping mating dance.” Another
pus rejoiced on March 19 as           with the Topsy Turvy Tomato        explained, “An infomercial        ent into new dishes such as       mos kissing. Ever since this          witness from the same party
Bon Appétit announced that            planter (as seen on TV).           came on for the Topsy Turvy       the soon-to-be tomato yogurt      chance encounter, Wash. U. stu-       says they saw the couple simply
tomatoes would return to                  The Topsy Turvy planter        Tomato Planter. I at once new     parfait with crouton topping.     dents have emulated this style of     Eskimo kisses, but then left as to
campus via shipments from             is an easy way to grow toma-       WashU’s tomato famine was         Other tomato themed dishes        kissing around campus, no matter      not disturb them.
farmers in California and             toes. You simply place your        over.” Bon Appétit Manage-        planned include tomato            what the temperature. However,             It seems as though innocent
Mexico. However, what Bon             favorite tomato plant in the       ment immediately adopted          bagels, tomato cupcakes and       in recent years, Eskimo kissing       Eskimo kisses have transformed
Appétit did not tell students         beautiful plastic planter          Siddiqui’s idea to buy a thou-    Bruchetta served on sundried      has seemed to take a turn for the,    into some kind of face and body
was that Californian and              and watch as your tomatoes         sand planters.                    tomato bread with a side of       shall we say, erotic.                 dry hump in public places. Most
Mexican tomatoes will                 grow upside down, hanging              Although there was some       tomato-basil soup.                     Eskimo kisses, Eskimo            times, couples are so engrossed
make up only a                        off vines like performers at       confusion as to how the buy-
                                                                         confus                                Even though students are      anthropologist Iggy Loo               in intense eye-to-eye, nose-to-
small percentage                         a Cirque D’Soleil show.         one-get-one-free deal would
                                                                         one-ge                            singing the praises of Bon        explained, were originally a sym-     nose contact that they do not
of the total tomato                         Siddiqui says the idea       work with an order of a thou-
                                                                               w                           Appetit’s creative way to         bol of affection and respect in the   even realize a crowd of people
shipment. Bon                                                            sand planters, Bon Appétit
                                                                               p                           bring back tomatoes, some         community. Due to the inclement       gawking at them. Eskimo kisses
Appétit Resi-                                                            said that after negotiating
                                                                              th                           student groups have raised        weather, Eskimos would rub their      have crossed over from the pri-
dent                                                                      successfully with customer
                                                                          succe                            issue over the fact that tomato   noses against one another as to       vate to public sphere. One can
                                                                             service representatives
                                                                             ser                           harvesters on West Cam-           not expose their lips or hands.       go Eskimo kiss-watching in
                                                                              for
                                                                              fo Topsy Turvy, Bon          pus were not being paid fair           Wash. U. students have taken     places like the Tisch Commons,
                                                                               Appétit was not only
                                                                               A                           wages. Siddiqui responded,        a liking to this style of kissing,    the quesadilla line at Ursa’s and
                                                                               able
                                                                               a to get two thousand       “Of course Bon Appétit is         but with some new interpreta-         Whispers booths. And, be sure
                                                                                Topsy Turvy plant-
                                                                                T                          paying its workers fair wages.    tions. When Eskimo kisses first        to look for the more ostentatious
                                                                                 ers, but was also able    Unfair wages are the whole        reached campus, they would usu-       displays at the B-stacks, house
                                                                                  to get one thousand      reason we got rid of tomatoes     ally elicit an “Awww” response        parties or the grill at 2 a.m. on
                                                                                   Handy Kitchen Slic-     in the first place.” However,      from onlookers. One could only        Saturday.
                                                                                   ers. The surplus of     Siddiqui did admit that for       witness the occasional nuzzles             Though these Eskimo kisses
                                                                                    Handy Kitchen Slic-    some reason most of the har-      during twilight hours under the       make couples vulnerable to
                                                                                    ers included free      vesters of the tomatoes so far    snow-kissed leaves. Couples           mocking and secret handshakes,
                                                                                   with the order of the   have been elderly men and         willing to risk their dignity with    they still remain the most dis-
                                                                                 Topsy Turvy plant-        women who volunteer their         this sign of love were usually        gustingly cute show of affection
                                                                                ers will no doubt make
                                                                                e                          time because they simply          in a serious relationship of two      in the western hemisphere. So
                                                                               serving caprese sand-
                                                                               s                           “enjoy gardening.” As toma-       months.                               please, if you feel the need to
                                                                              wiches a breeze. Carol
                                                                              w                            toes return to campus, be sure         This past year, couples have     enhance your sex life through
                                                                             Lee Smith, a chef at Din-
                                                                             Le                            to fill up right away; supplies    been bastardizing the Eskimo          Eskimo kisses, be sure to keep
                                                                         ing Services, said she was
                                                                             Se                            are limited.                      kiss and taking PDA to the            it classy.
5 STUDENT LIBEL | SPORTS                                              Swimsuit Issue Editor / Tyra Bank / hitmeup@studlife.com                                               WEDNESDAY | MARCH 31, 2010




SWIMSUIT ISSUE
ATHLETE OF THE CENTURY                                                 MASCOT CHANGE



       Wash. U.
        Bear
                                                                           Quack, quack, quack!
            Former Mascot                                               Here come the DUCs
                                                                       Lars Lars Pansonfars                  alumni all over the world ask-       down she said, “you can bet         Said sophomore Wes Syde,
Leia Skywalker                                                                                               ing us what on Earth does a          on it. Don’t expect us to be        “I don’t know. It seems like a
                                                                       Avian Biologist
Lightsaber Enthusiast                                                                                        DUC have to do with Wash.            naming any hidden alley-            good idea. Didn’t that Colbert
                                                                                                             U.? Worse yet, they’re livid         ways or bike stands after rich      guy say they were a threat to
                                                                           After countless years and         over the fact that we appar-         alumni anymore.”                    America? DUCs certainly
    It’s the end of an era, folks.
At the close of this season, the
                                     only 20 people                    18 NCAA Division III cham-
                                                                       pionships as the Washington
                                                                                                             ently can’t spell basic farm
                                                                                                             animals!”     Asked     about
                                                                                                                                                     Students, many of whom
                                                                                                                                                  didn’t know Wash U had a
                                                                                                                                                                                      seem safer.” He then pro-
                                                                                                                                                                                      ceeded to do a safety dance.
Bear will retire as the face of      show up to the big                University Bears, the Univer-         whether donations might go           mascot, seemed indifferent.
Washington University ath-
letics. After over 150 years of
                                     games, who needs                  sity announced this week that
                                                                       it’s ditching the beast in favor
spirited service, the Bear will      cheerleaders? I’m                 for something less imposing
hang up its fuzzy suit and make
way for the newest mascot, the
                                     hoping this doesn’t               and more applicable to the
                                                                       school—the DUCs.
not-so-mighty DUC. As his            have anything to do                   “Our university has a
duties to our sports teams come      with why we have                  very deep attachment to this
to a close, Student Life sat down
with the Bear to honor him as        so few cheerleaders               city. It’s in our name,” said
                                                                       Athletic Director Hans Heim-
our athlete of the century.
    Student Life: So, you’re out
                                     now...”                           ersteinbach, “and we looked
                                                                       around and there just weren’t
of a job and Wash. U. is headed          SL: What do you see your      any Bears here. Times are
in a new direction with the          role as the mascot? What’s the    changing and the moniker
DUC. How do you feel about           purpose of the mascot at Wash.    just didn’t fit.”
that?                                U.?                                   Two of the three commit-
                                       B: “I see it as a               tee members reported having
                                                                       no recollection of why we
   Bear: “It figures                 tangible form of                  were the Bears in the first
that in a recession                  school spirit. Some               place. The third began ram-
                                                                       bling about how the Wash. U.
economy Wash.                        people say that                   Bear would protect the school
U. would switch                      Wash. U. doesn’t                  from the Soviets using Sput-
                                                                       nik to tap into our brain and
its mascot to be                     have a lot of school              learn our darkest secrets.
named after a big-                   spirit. I like to think               The news release reported,
                                                                       “The DUC has got to be one
time donor, just like                they’re        wrong.             of the most awkward sound-
the building. But it’s               But it helps to have              ing names for a campus
                                                                       building ever conceived and
pretty upsetting that                something around                  yet it stuck. We’re not sure
after all my loyalty                 which people can                  why, but we’re proud of that
                                                                       so we wanted to honor it.”
I’m being replaced                   rally. Something                      The Bomb Squad was one
by a lame DUC.                       people can cheer                  of the first groups to support

Come on, that’s                      on and go with and                the change. Their spokes-
                                                                       person, Frank Lee Broak,
not even spelled                     say ‘Hey! I’m not                 said, “A four letter nickname
correctly.”                          the only one cheer-               gives us a lot of room to work
                                                                       with for cheers. You can bet
                                     ing like an idiot,                we’re going to start a D-U-

   SL: We heard that back in
                                     that bear is doing it             C-S DUCS! DUCS! DUCS!
                                                                       cheer.”
the day you used to be a real        too!”                                 Broak added that, “to be
bear. What happened there?                                             perfectly honest, Bears is too
                                                                       ferocious for a D-III team.
  B: “There was yourselfDo before the game?
                    SL:
                        up
                           you have to pump                            It feels kind of like calling a
                                                                       Prius a Burner or something
this isolated inci-                                                    like that.”
dent. I may have B: My secret?                                             The Alumni Association,

eaten a few cheer- H o n e y c o m b .                                 on the other hand was furious.
                                                                       Director of Alumni Relations
leaders.       But Lots and lots of                                    Shirley Fedup exclaimed,

honestly,    when honeycomb.                                           “we’re getting calls from
                                                                                                                                                                                         MOTHER GOOSE | YELLOW WARNING

BASEBALL


McGwire joins    Phi Slamma Jamma to become
coaching staff   University’s 13th fraternity                             Jimmy Cox                           attending PSJ’s Sandwich            characters for Slamma and        explained that the word
                                                                          Batboy                              party. “I’m definitely coming        Jamma. The group has peti-       Slamma stems from an ancient



of baseball team
                                                                                                              here.”                              tioned the International Greek   basketball player named Sean
                                                                                                                  The men decided to start        Letter Naming Committee          Wallis. The Jamma refers to
                                                                              Phi Slamma Jamma                this fraternity because they felt   headed by renowned Emory         the Space Jam classic.
                                                                          opened up its doors to its first     that there was not enough ‘bro      University expert Fergu-              The brothers of Phi
                                                                          pledge class as it becomes the      time’ on the basketball team.       son Underling. “Tradition is     Slamma Jamma are look-
                                                                          13th fraternity at Washington           They feel their excessive       something that we don’t like     ing for men who are at least 6
Charlie “Kung Fu” Hustle             stuff.”                              University. The house, located      high fives and subtle congratu-      messing with,” Underling said.   feet 3 inches to pledge. One of
Baseball/Cheating Expert                 In Monday’s matchup              on Upper Frat Row, has been         latory butt slaps will catapult     “But the brothers of Slamma      the first tests for any poten-
                                     against Westminster Col-             known for hosting some of           them to national recognition.       Jamma were wonderful hosts       tial pledge is to see if they can
                                     lege, the Bears won 34-5.            the top parties. “This is what I        The move to become a            explaining how they came up      touch the rim of a basketball
    While controversial slug-        All nine batters went yard in        always pictured college to be       national fraternity has baf-        with their name and showing      net. Failure to do so is grounds
ger Mark McGwire has                 the game, while cleanup hit-         like,” Abby Nash, a pre-frosh       fled some linguists who are          us their home.                   for immediate dismissal.
already signed a hefty con-          ter Nick Vom Broce capped            from North Dakota, said after       attempting to find proper                The team members
tract to be the St. Louis            the victory with a 730-foot
Cardinals hitting coach, he          grand slam.
recently decided to take up              “When I made contact
another coaching job in his          with the ball, I didn’t think
spare time: being a member           it had any chance of going
of the Washington Univer-            out. It felt like I barely put
sity baseball team’s coaching        any swing in, but the thing
staff.                               just kept on carrying. I can’t
    “I owe this city so much,        quite explain it.” Vom Broce
the least I could do was lend        said.
my skills to the community,”             With the team’s new-
McGwire said. “I thought to          found power, rumors have
myself, ‘what better way to          been circulating around cam-
help out than to teach local         pus about McGwire and his
youth teams my secrets to            coaching techniques.
hitting?’”                               “I’m not here to talk
    The 46-year-old record           about the past,” McGwire
breaker signed a three-year,         said. “I just want to teach
$10 million contract with            these kids how to succeed
the school last Wednes-              in baseball, how to work
day. Results of Big Mac’s            hard, and play ethically. You
instructing have been                don’t hit 70 home runs in
dramatic.                            one season by slacking off or
    “Each of our players             cheating.”
has put on anywhere from                 Meanwhile, the Bears
35 to 50 pounds of mus-              continue to power through
cle. It’s astounding, in such        their season. Baseballs have
a short period of time,”             been reported reaching as far
head coach Ric Lessmann              as Delmar Boulevard dur-
said. “They’ve been hit-             ing home games and batting
ting homeruns left and right.        practice.
[McGwire] really knows his                                                                                                                                                   SAM MI | GREENWICH LAKES OBSERVER
6 STUDENT LIBEL | FORUM                                             TEA PARTY EDITOR / GLENN BECK / johnadams@studlife.com                               WEDNESDAY | MARCH 31, 2010




      TEA PARTY
Heroin addiction                                                                                            STAFF EDITORIAL


sweeps campus                                                                                    Go green!
Junky McNeedle                        have finally chilled out,” one
Staff Columnist                       female student said while prep-    All pre-                     Washington University has made many strides in reducing its
                                                                         meds must
                                      ping a needle.
                                           The use of the drug is so
                                                                                                    carbon footprint and promoting a sustainable lifestyle. However,

A                                                                        submit to
             ccording to the most     widespread that students have
             recent statistics from   started using it in public. The                               there is still much room for improvement. To that end, here are
             Wash. U.’s larg-
             est entity, the Drug
                                      problem has gotten so bad that
                                      the board of trustees voted to     full genome                StudLife’s suggestions for increasing the sustainability of Wash.
Research and Experimental
Use Group, heroin addiction
                                      turn Mallinckrodt into a metha-
                                      done clinic. The plans to return
                                                                         mapping; all               U.’s campus:

among students has skyrock-           the Rathskeller to its previous    those judged
                                                                         unlikely to                                                                            Rotate
eted to 90 percent. When asked        use as an on-campus bar have
to comment on the recent phe-         been put on hold.                                           • Stop selling meat in          • Ban toilet paper
nomenon, Chancellor Wrighton               The precipitous and very
                                                                         make chief of         campus eateries, to reduce      to cut down on paper

                                                                                                                                                                which
could only say, “Dude, I’m not        public increase in heroin use                            carbon footprint. Convert to    consumption.
surprised, this s--- is PURE.”
    The recent influx of the drug
                                      on campus has certainly had
                                      its consequences. Washington
                                                                         medicine by           an ultra-recyclo vegetarian
                                                                                               diet for everyone (no dairy,       • Try feeding your child
                                                                         the age of 40
has been attributed to a new
cartel formed under the name
Roman Life. After a recent
                                      University in St. Louis plum-
                                      meted in the most recent U.S.
                                      News & World Report rankings       are processed
                                                                                               meat or starch).

                                                                                                  • No more food alto-
                                                                                                                               slave every other week.

                                                                                                                                  • Have TKE loan out its
                                                                                                                                                                dorms
screening of “American Gang-
ster,” the powers that be in the
Roman Life Office decided that
                                      from No. 12 all the way into
                                      the fourth tier, with a ranking
                                      of N/A. Olin Library has shut
                                                                         and served
                                                                         in the DUC’s
                                                                                               gether. Say it with me: Algal
                                                                                               beds. 2,000 grams per meter
                                                                                               squared per year of bio-
                                                                                                                               sex robots to other frats for
                                                                                                                               alcohol-free parties.            get
the only efficient way to make
up for the money lost by empty
                                      down as a functioning entity,
                                      and the study rooms on the sec-    ‘vegetarian’
                                                                                               mass? Shut up.                    • Spring W.I.L.D.:
                                                                                                                               “An acoustic evenin’ with        water
                                                                         meatloaf.
beds was to have all Romans           ond floor have been turned into                              • Replace electronic         Ke$ha.”
get involved in slinging heroin.
The makeup of the operation is
                                      squatters’ dens. Bon Appétit has
                                      been forced to bring bananas
                                                                                               campus cards with thick
                                                                                               cardboard punch cards.             • Reduce energy using         on a
actually quite efficient. Thirty-      back on campus, as they are
                                                                         Introduce                                             the Pareto principle. Eighty
three percent of students travel
to and from Asia on a biweekly
basis collecting the poppy
                                      the only thing soft enough for
                                      the addicts to eat. The book-
                                      store, criticized as an enabler,   laundry
                                                                                                  • Build a farm on cam-
                                                                                               pus, either in the quad or
                                                                                               outside of Olin Library, for
                                                                                                                               percent of the effects come
                                                                                                                               from 20 percent of the
                                                                                                                               causes. Eighty percent of
                                                                                                                                                                shifting
seeds. Another third have been
chained to a large table in the
                                      has ordered 4,000 new, clean
                                      syringes and a surplus of rub-
                                                                         rationing.            food. Picture cows or sheep
                                                                                               grazing there.
                                                                                                                               our food intake comes from
                                                                                                                               the fattest 20 percent. Kill     cycle: 5
chemistry lab turning the seeds       ber ties.                          People need                                           the 20.
into actual heroin, while the last
third deal to the rest of campus.
                                           The prospect for future
                                      improvement is not looking         to go to
                                                                                                  • Convert trash and
                                                                                               recycling bins into one big        • Allow the Café Bergson      minutes
The cartel sports a strict “do not    good. According to Police Chief
                                                                         ResLife to get        compost pile—right in the       o increase the urine levels in
use the product” approach to
the business, but recent sight-
ings of dealers nodding off
                                      Don Strom, “The Roman Life
                                      cartel is just too strong. Their
                                      strong ties to MS-13 have made
                                                                         their laundry
                                                                                               middle of the DUC.

                                                                                                  • Get rid of elevators.
                                                                                                                               the smoothies.

                                                                                                                                  • Invite the campus lib-
                                                                                                                                                                per
in front of Olin Library have         any intervention nearly impos-     cards. You            Waste of electricity—crip-      ertarians to participate in a
                                                                                                                                                                shower,
                                                                         can do a load
inspired doubts in head cartel        sible.” Morgan DeBaun, future                            ples can take the stairs.       “green Gulag.”
members.                              student body president, was not
    Reactions from students
across campus are mixed. One
                                      available for comment. Rumors
                                      have been circulating that she     a month.                 • Replace the arcade
                                                                                               machine and TVs in the fun-
                                                                                                                                  • Print Student Life on a
                                                                                                                               recycled ShamWow.                per
student who asked not to be           jumped ship earlier this week.
                                                                         Huge black            room with rock ’em sock
named said, “I thought the party
scene was way more poppin’
                                      While we cannot predict the
                                      future, a source in the Roman      market to
                                                                                               ’em robots and View-Mas-
                                                                                               ters, respectively.
                                                                                                                                  • Instead of free plan-
                                                                                                                               ners, incoming freshmen are      dorm.
                                                                         conserve
when everyone was on meth             Life cartel has told us that a                                                           given free Snuggies.
and crack…things have started         new shipment will be coming in                              • Replace campus circu-
to mellow out more. I’m not
sure if I like it.” The student
                                      tomorrow. Enjoy, addicts.
                                                                         water may             lator with a camel. They eat
                                                                                               infrequently and don’t need
                                                                                                                                  • Ban showers and install
                                                                                                                               bathtubs whose water is             • Student-pulled rick-
then proceeded to nervously
scratch his neck. “Things are
                                      Junky is a sophomore in Arts &
                                      Sciences. He can be reached via    emerge.               much water.                     changed once a week to
                                                                                                                               conserve water.
                                                                                                                                                                shaws from the South 40 to
                                                                                                                                                                main campus.
great around here; the premeds        e-mail at jmcneedle@wustl.edu.                              • Replace all majors with
                                                                         Replace               philosophy. All philosophy         • Remove all bath-               • Move the University to

                                                                         computers
                                                                                               majors need is a patch of       rooms on campus. Don’t           the moon.
                                                                                               grass to sit on and think.      worry, Aramark will be dig-

      Fish, the pope                                                     with
                                                                         mechanical
                                                                                                  • Schedule all com-
                                                                                               puters on campus to shut
                                                                                                                               ging holes around campus
                                                                                                                               shortly.
                                                                                                                                                                    • Lines in the DUC are
                                                                                                                                                                no longer a problem—
                                                                                                                                                                all edible food has been
                                                                                               down after one minute of           • Tear down Seigle Hall,      replaced with wheatgrass
                                                                         typewriters
        and CNN                                                          to save
                                                                                               inactivity.

                                                                                                   • Instead of police Seg-
                                                                                                                               and, hell, why not the rest
                                                                                                                               of main campus, and extend
                                                                                                                               the Burning Kumquat.
                                                                                                                                                                shots. Consequently, none
                                                                                                                                                                of the seats are needed.
                                                                                                                                                                Lines for the holes across

April Fools Baby                      eight years. The French don’t      electricity.          ways, give them pogo
                                                                                               sticks.                            • Recycle Mallinckrodt.
                                                                                                                                                                campus have increased ten-
                                                                                                                                                                fold instead.
Staff Columnist                       even have April Fools’ Day,
                                      they have April Fish Day.
                                      I hate fish! “Fish” refers to       Mandatory
                                                                         rolling
O
             K. So you know           something that smells bad,


                                                                                               Allow only cars
             how, like, when          tastes bad or plays unnecessar-
             you tell someone         ily long and crunchy jamband       blackouts from
             when your birthday
is they say something ridicu-
                                      tunes. So now I’m confined
                                      to being either a fool or a        noon to 8 p.m.
lous like, “Oh. So, like, when
your mom told your dad she
was going into labor was your
dad all like, ‘Ahhh, you got
                                      fish. Why can’t my birthday
                                      be associated with something
                                      awesome like a new year?
                                          Oh wait, April 1 used to
                                                                         with no power
                                                                         anywhere
                                                                         on campus,
                                                                                               that are powered
me! Good joke!’”? Or how
they don’t believe you and
demand that you tell them
when your actual birthday is?
                                      be celebrated as New Year’s
                                      Day until Pope Gregory
                                      XIII ordered the Grego-
                                      rian calendar to replace the
                                                                         especially in
                                                                         dorms and
                                                                                               by kryptonite on
Or how they snicker and say,
“Well, that makes sense”?
No? You’ve never heard those
before? Well, chances are that
you did not have the fortune
                                      Julian calendar in 1582.
                                      What?!?!?!?! The Vatican
                                      changed New Year’s to Janu-
                                      ary instead of April? Hadn’t
                                      Catholics done enough dam-
                                                                         places where
                                                                         people can
                                                                         study.
                                                                                               campus.
(either good or bad subjec-           age to the world already?
tively) of being born on April        Jesus! And this should anger
Fools’ Day. Well, I was born
on that day, and now I’m
                                      many of you also, because
                                      when the new calendar was
                                                                                 GOODDAY ROTHBORGSON EDITORIAL CARTOON
gonna kvetch about it.                enacted, the date skipped for-
    Yes, I like to laugh. Yes, I      ward by 10 days! The pope
like to laugh at the expense of       erased 10 days from existence.
others’ misfortune. Does that         Who does that? If you were
mean that I must love having          alive in 1752 in England and
been born on the day of prank-        your birthday was between
sters? No!                            September 2 and September
    I wake up to NPR because          12, your birthday wouldn’t
I like to be informed about           have existed! Can you imag-
what’s going on in the world.         ine not having your birthday
Yet on my birthday, NPR               one year? Shut up February
and newspapers and CNN all            29, you can complain to us in
think that it would be funny          2012 if the world doesn’t end
to make up news stories about         first. That would be terrible!
new tropical islands in the               In conclusion, on April
shapes of semicolons or tell          1, if you rig up my door to
us that Taco Bell has bought          drop water on me when I
the liberty bell. I love tropi-       open it, I will be upset. If
cal islands! I love corporatized      you tape a paper fish to
history! Then they tell me the        my back, I will friend your
next day that they were all           mother on facebook. And if
lying and that the stories were       you come up to me and tell
all made up. THAT LACKS               me, “Happy Birthday and
JOURNALISTIC INTEG-                   April Fools!” and then crack
RITY! The last I heard, we            an egg over my head, I am
take away Pulitzers from peo-         going to unbutton my pants,
ple who have blatantly lied to        shave my @#$%%$, and I’ll
us. But are the news sources          @#$^%5 your @#$%^ until
remorseful? No! They all              you #$%&^%#$% right in
chuckle to themselves over            the @##$%^#. Happy April
how funny they think it is that       Fools’ Day!
we believed their stories. Of
course we believed their sto-
ries; they’re the news!               Baby is a senior in Arts & Sci-
    Add into all this lying the       ences. He can be reached via
fact that I studied French for        e-mail at aprilfools@wustl.edu.
 7 STUDENT LIBEL | CADENZA                                             Cadenza Editor / Percy Olsen / cadenza@studlife.com                                         WEDNESDAY | MARCH 31, 2010




                  CADEN A
Led Zeppelin, wild zebras Has anyone
   to start a jazz band   seen my Z?
                                                                                                                                          Cadenza                          mockingly scream, “Help!
                                                                                                                                          Best Section Ever                Help me back up!” Man,
                                                                                                                                                                           what a riot.
                                                                                                                                                                               Looking back on it now,
                                                                                                                                             As you all can tell by        he probably actually did
                                                                                                                                          now, I am missing my Z.          need help getting back up.
                                                                                                                                          No, do not just point at my      It doesn’t seem funny now,
                                                                                                                                          byline and say, “There it is!”   because we’re pretty sure we
                                                                                                                                          That is a different Z. I bor-    let him plunge to his death,
                                                                                                                                          rowed it. From Ta_mania.         but at the time, it was hys-
                                                                                                                                             This Z is very important      terical. I guess you had to be
                                                                                                                                          to me. He’s been my friend       there.
                                                                                                                                          for what seems like forever.         But there is still hope! Z
                                                                                                                                          He was always there for the      is a tough cookie, and I’m
                                                                                                                                          rest of us letters (especially   sure he could have survived
                                                                                                                                          N), making us laugh with         a fall of two feet, so if you
                                                                                                                                          his silly antics, like how he    find him, let me know at
                                                                                                                                          would hang off the ledge and     cadena@studlife.com.




                                                                                                                                                 Career Center
                                                                                                                                             encourages students
  Led Zeplyn n stripey animul iz standin’ in studio, redy to make smooth jamz for u.
                                                                                                     ZACK ZIMMERMAN | ZIONSVILLE ZHINZK
                                                                                                                                          to seek positions with SFA
Zeb Lazerath
Local Jazz Enthusiast
                                       “People call us crazy, but
                                    Zeppelin has always zigged
                                                                      hardest part was not, shock-
                                                                      ingly, fuzing the band’s
                                                                                                     a fog machine, the band
                                                                                                     shrouded the hooved ani-
                                                                                                                                              (Strip For America)
                                    when others have zagged,”         heavy metal sound with         mals in a hazy fog, keeping
                                    Jimmy Page said. “This isn’t      the zebra’s whinny. In the     them in a maze and protect-
    Led Zeppelin zonked                                                                                                                   Angel Spanks                     “It’s great to see so many
                                    navel-gazing. We agonized         biz, it’s called ‘room and     ing them from buzzards.
the Zambian paparazzi                                                                                                                     Pole Beat Reporter               people willing to take on
                                    over this dizzying decision,      board.’ Zeppelin calls it ‘a       But what is the album
yesterday when the zeal-            and we’re proud of it.”           maze and some haze.’ Get-      about? The band’s lips are                                            the challenge of working
ous rock band announced                “You could say the             ting the zebras together waz   so tight that a Ritz cracker                                          in sketchy clubs and tak-
that their next album               paparazzi is the enzyme           not hard, but keeping them     couldn’t fit through.                    The Washington Uni-          ing their clothes off for
would have a heavy jazz-            that’s trying to ooze into our    safe from hungry buzzards          “Here’s a quiz: what do          versity Career Center is         strangers.”
influence. However, the             cell, break us down, unzip        proved challenging for the     the Ozone Layer and lizards          encouraging students to               During a training insti-
zaniest, jacuzzi-sized, diz-        our plan and sieze control        lazy band.                     have in common?” Page                consider joining a recently      tute, SFA provides its corps
zying announcement was              of our dream, leaving us              “The buzzards were like    said. “Tell me when you fig-         established organization,        members with the skills they
yet to come: Zeppelin will          with zilch,” John Paul Jones      enzymes, and they wanted       ure that out, ’cuz that’s the        Strip For America (SFA).         need to become the sexiest
record with album with wild         added.                            to unzip the zebras!” Jones    answer to our question, the          SFA founder Ivanna Gon-          strippers imaginable— from
zebras.                                The band said the              said. So, with the help of     calzone to our pizza.”               aked describes the great         practice pole dancing to
                                                                                                                                          shortage of good strippers       role-playing. SFA claims
                                                                                                                                          in America: “A lot of peo-       that the strippers they train



      Cadenza scoops W.I.L.D. lineup:
                                                                                                                                          ple have this misperception      are way hotter than the ones
                                                                                                                                          that there are good strip-       currently in place in many
                                                                                                                                          pers across the country, but     clubs.
                                                                                                                                          that’s just not true. Some            A recent Wash. U. alum,
                                                                                                                                          people today are really put at   Willy Wang (whom an



        Jay-Z, London Philharmonic
                                                                                                                                          a major disadvantage; they       anonymous source told me
                                                                                                                                          live in communities with lit-    I should refer to as “Big
                                                                                                                                          tle or no funding for quality    Poppa”) is part of the grow-
                                                                                                                                          strip joints.” Accord-           ing movement. He explains
                                                                                                                                          ing to the SFA Web               that the interview process



       to headline; Barbra Streisand,
                                                                                                                                          site, the organiza-              was a lot of work. “One
                                                                                                                                          tion’s mission is                of the hardest things was
                                                                                                                                          to build a move-                 having to do my own five
                                                                                                                                          ment to eliminate                minute strip tease in front
                                                                                                                                          the shortage of                  of the interviewers and all
                                                                                                                                          good strippers in                of the other applicants.”



        Creed listed as opening acts                                                                                                      America. “Every-
                                                                                                                                          one should have the
                                                                                                                                          opportunity to get
                                                                                                                                          an amazing lap dance,”
                                                                                                                                          says Gonaked.
                                                                                                                                                                           When asked what he plans
                                                                                                                                                                              to do after SFA, Wang says
                                                                                                                                                                                that he’ll probably go to
                                                                                                                                                                                                   medical
                                                                                                                                                                                                    school.
Icic Pepsi-Let                      Streisand and Creed will be       may not have been Perez        to ignore their substantial              The good news is                                      Grad-
Friendly Corporate Shill            the opening acts. One Team        Hilton, noted that Team        acronym-oriented demo-               that you can help.                                       uate
                                    31 member, speaking on            31’s high budgetary stan-      graphic.) While this has             SFA has programs                                         schools
                                    the condition of anonym-          dards would not allow for      not been confirmed, sev-             across the coun-                   and law               schools
    Cadenza is thrilled to          ity, enthused, “We’re really      the simple, intimate set-      eral students also reported          try, and you don’t               tend to                     look
announce the lineup for             excited about this year’s         ting Gaga had requested.       a dejected-looking Rick              even need to have                favorably on             students
Spring W.I.L.D. 2010, days          show. We think it really          Of the groups denied to        Astley walking down the              any experience as                    who take             the time
ahead of the scheduled pub-         speaks to the diversity of        play at W.I.L.D., perhaps      steps of Brookings mum-              a stripper to apply.                   to work           with SFA
lic announcement by Team            students’ music tastes, and       Wu-Tang clan was the most      bling something about being          Beware, though—the                      for the “real-world”
31 Productions. Sources             we hope to make everyone          upset. “We thought this was    given up on and how the              application process                     experience they bring
confirm that Jay-Z will col-        happy!”                           a sure thing,” pined mem-      whole process was a let-             is highly competi-                       to the table. As Wang
laborate with the London                Also-rans included Wu-        ber Ghostface Killah, “what    down. Nevertheless, this             tive. “Because the                        explains, “SFA pro-
Philharmonic Orchestra to           Tang Clan, Lady Gaga,             with all the WU-themed         year’s W.I.L.D. looks like           economy is so shitty                      vided me with a much
headline and, in keeping            Ke$ha, Cake and Modest            puns that could be made.”      it’s shaping up to be an             right now, current grads                  deeper understanding
with a history of multiple          Mouse. One source close           (Cadenza is equally sur-       event to remember!                   are dying to get jobs with              of the human body, and
W.I.L.D. artists, Barbra            to Lady Gaga, who may or          prised that Team 31 chose                                           SFA,” explains Gonaked,            I mean that literally.”




      This day
      in history
                                                                         we can haz
Brian Razak
Senior Citizen
                                    happened, too, as we began
                                    to shape our nation’s govern-
                                    ing document—in 1787, the
                                    Founding Fathers started a
                                                                         more staff
                                                                         plz?
    It was a very exciting day      draft of the Constitution. Andy
in history, on today, March 31.     Warhol was born in 1928, and
The most exciting event hap-        Campbell’s soup had never
pened overseas, but it was a        been so grateful. Before he
very exciting day for Ameri-        was the artist formerly known
cans as well. Obviously, the        as the artist formerly known as
most important event happened       Prince, Prince released “Purple
in 1945 in Hiroshama, Japan,        Rain” in 1984. In 1914, Serbia
when we, well, dropped a            declared war against Germany,
really big bomb and killed lots     and Austria-Hungary declared
of people. But black people got     war against Russia. Fifty-
the right to vote 40 years later!   one years later, the Beatles
In 1965, LBJ signed the Voting      asked for “Help” in the newest
Rights Act. Very exciting stuff.    album. If only they had been
1890 also brought a new type        alive a little earlier, maybe
of death to William Kemmler,        WWI could have been pre-
the very first person ever to be     vented. That would have been
executed in the electric chair.     pretty cool. Oh well. It was an
Good for you, Will! Way to          exciting enough day in history,
make history.                       I suppose. We don’t need to
    Some good things                add time travel to the mix.
WEDNESDAY | MARCH 31, 2010                                                Cadenza Editor / Percy Olsen / cadenza@studlife.com                                                  STUDENT LIBEL | CADENZA                     8



               CADEN A
              ‘Avatar’ is declared                                                                                                                        IN DEFENSE OF
                                                                                                                                                       NICKELBACK
         the greatest film ever                                                                                                                        Rad Broeger
                                                                                                                                                       Great Music Connoisseur
                                                                                                                                                                                          musicians cite Nickelback
                                                                                                                                                                                          as one of their major influ-
                                                                                                                                                                                          ences. Upon the release
                                                                                                                                                                                          of “In Rainbows,” Thom
                                                                                                                                                           First off, I want to state     Yorke was quoted: “I
                                                                                                                                                       that this article need not be      remember people being
                                                                                                                                                       written: Having to defend          adamant about not wanting
                                                                                                                                                       Nickelback is like hav-            to pay money for Nick-
                                                                                                                                                       ing to defend sliced bread,        elback’s albums. We just
                                                                                                                                                       The Beatles or Miley               wanted to follow in their
                                                                                                                                                       Cyrus. I just don’t under-         footsteps. If people weren’t
                                                                                                                                                       stand where the hatred             paying for their albums, we
                                                                                                                                                       of this magnificent band           didn’t think it was fair for
                                                                                                                                                       comes from: is it just jeal-       fans to pay for our attempt
                                                                                                                                                       ousy of their fame, fortune        at music.”
                                                                                                                                                       and pure unadulterated                 And, not many people
                                                                                                                                                       awesomeness?                       realize that Shakespeare
                                                                                                                                                           To start, there’s front-       had Nickelback’s alt-Chris-
                                                                                                                                                       man Chad Kroeger—if                tian-angst-rock in mind
                                                                                                                                                       your first and last names          when he wrote, “If music
                                                                                                                                                       are alliterative, you know         be the food of love, play
                                                                                                                                                       you’re gonna make some-            on.” This is the only way
                                                                                                                                                       thing of yourself. Kroeger         to describe the feelings
                                                                                                                                                       is the magical miracle that        evoked when listening to
                                                                                                                                                       was birthed when some              Nickelback’s newest CD,
                                                                                                                                                       brave scientists mixed the         “Dark Horse.” With its
                                                                                                                                                       vocal stylings of Creed’s          four different renditions
                                                                                                                                                       Scott Stapp and the DNA            of “Something in Your
                                                                                                                                                       of Jesus. Kroeger was so           Mouth” (including an a
                                                                                                                                                       committed to Nickelback            cappella version) and its
                                                                                                                                                       that he was actually will-         inclusion of their Grammy
                                                                                                                                                       ing to take his own life in        Award-winning cover of
                                                                                                                                                       order to up album sales.           Dionne Warwick’s “I Say
                                                                                                                                                       “It’s a fact: Death sells.         A Little Prayer,” that CD
                                                                                                                                                       When Van Gogh was alive,           is the best four easy pay-
  Jamez Kameron haz giant shineeee statue.                                                                                                             he couldn’t trade his paint-       ments of $9.99 I have ever
                                                                                                                          MICHAEL GOULDING | MBT
                                                                                                                                                       ings for a pair of clogs;          spent.
                                                                                                                                                       now, they’re worth mil-                I probably can’t com-

    Roger Ebert                      “Schindler’s List.” Cadenza
                                     interviewed director James
                                                                          care about “Casablanca” or
                                                                          “Vertigo.” They want to buy
                                                                                                              trophy wife, with short-lived
                                                                                                              beauty and no substance.”
                                                                                                                                                       lions of Dutch clogs. The
                                                                                                                                                       sale of flannel shirts qua-
                                                                                                                                                                                          pletely change your mind,
                                                                                                                                                                                          but hopefully, next time

     speechless                      Cameron shortly after the
                                     news, translated here from the
                                                                          art; they want gorgeous visu-
                                                                          als and computer generated
                                                                                                              Roger Ebert had nothing to
                                                                                                              say.
                                                                                                                                                       drupled when Cobain
                                                                                                                                                       died. And Anne Frank,
                                                                                                                                                                                          “Feelin’ Way Too Damn
                                                                                                                                                                                          Good” comes up on your
                                     original Na’vi.                      aliens, not intimate portraits          Cameron answered his                 her book is probably still         iPod, you won’t start
Firstname Lastname                       Cameron first thanked the         of people and examinations          critics with confidence in                on The New York Times              swearing about how you
The Man with the Plan                large production crew, staff         of the human condition. Elia        the entertainment indus-                 Best Seller list,” Kroeger         have to go through your
                                     and actors. “Everyone pulled         Kazan is so outdated.” When         try’s potential to expand with           recounts in his upcoming           iTunes library and take off
                                     together for this film. I had         asked for details of his next       technology and adapt to new              autobiography, “Give Me                    all of the unneces-
    Though some elitists,            the most innovative artists          project, Cameron said, “I’m         audience expectations. “I’m              My Life and My NICK-                            sary crap.
like those of the Academy            ever working on ‘Avatar.’ The        considering putting ‘A Bug’s        confident future genera-                  ELBACK.” Thankfully,
for Motion Picture Arts and          acting was wonderful! Even           Life’ on Pandora, unless            tions will remember ‘Avatar’             his band mates man-
Sciences, have snubbed the           though I wanted Kevin Cost-          ‘Pocahontas’ has a sequel I         as the last great traditional            aged to advise
highest-grossing film of              ner for the lead, I was still        can work with.”                     movie. My production staff               him against
all time, James Cameron’s            happy with the results. Heck,            Other reactions have            and I developed an entirely              this so as to
“Avatar,” it recently earned         this was the best team any-          been less enthusiastic. Leon-       new way of capturing stories             not deprive
another distinction. When            one could have had for $267          ard Maltin said, “This is the       and projecting them to audi-             his fans of his
the American Film Institute          million.” Cameron agreed             worst thing to happen to            ences. ‘Avatar’ is the end of            musical genius.
revised “100 Years... 100            with the institute’s decision.       American cinema since the           traditional cinema. When                 But still, if that’s not
Movies,” a list of culturally        “I’m thrilled to have Avatar         fourth Indiana Jones movie.”        photography first started, peo-           devotion to your craft,
significant movies, it placed         up top. This modern list is          Joe Morgenstern protested           ple called prints of 127 film             I don’t know what is.
Avatar at number one, ahead          about artistic merit, not films       as well, saying, “Avatar will       ‘Kodaks.’ I’m sure the next                  From Coldplay
of former favorites like “Citi-      only your grandfather remem-         entertain today’s audience.         generation of motion pictures            to the Jonas Broth-
zen Kane,” “Raging Bull” and         bers. Audiences today don’t          But in the long run, it’s like a    will be called ‘Camerons.’”              ers, many renowned




Wrighton has high hopes
   for high ranking
Harrison Umrathamson                 convert the Village into frater-     institution will obliterate the     staff has been mixed. Some pro-
The Man with the Plan                nity housing. Second, he would       school’s current identity as a      fessors are concerned that with
                                     like to work with local grocer       place of higher learning. Fresh-    24/7 partying, Wash. U. students
                                     Schnucks to make the purchas-        man Jeanne Hamilton-Smith           will forget to come to class or
     Chancellor Mark Wrighton        ing of “beverages” easier for        from New Jersey said of the         simply be unable to get up in the
has led Washington University        those under twenty-one years         plan to transform Wash. U. into     morning after a night of vodka
into the upper echelon of univer-    of age. Finally, in an interview     one of the country’s foremost       pong. But other professors
sities in America, and he is on      with Student Life, he said that      party schools: “The whole rea-      see the planned changes as an
a fast track to make his campus      he plans “to open his house on       son I came to Wash. U. was so       opportunity for learning. Poetry
one of the most sustainable in       Wednesdays for a wild night of       I wouldn’t have to socialize.       professor Martin Olinumrathski
the country. And now he has a        bowling.” With a Cheshire cat        I really think the chancellor’s     said that he feels that his stu-
new goal: to transform Wash. U.      grin, the chancellor said he plans   new plans are going to make         dents will “gain a wider array
into one of the nation’s premier     to call these “off-the-chain par-    that increasingly difficult.”        of life experience from party-
party schools.                       ties at my abode Wild Wrighton       But others, such as sophomore       ing that will in turn create better
     In order to do this, Wrigh-     Wednesdays.”                         fraternity member Kevin McMi-       poetry.” For now, Wrighton has
ton is soon expected to institute        There has been some con-         chaels from California said the     modest aspirations. He would
a three-part plan. First, he would   cern among students that this        chancellor’s plans are “totally     like to focus on taking over
like to double the number of         initiative to transform Wash.        hella rad.”                         the 25th-ranked party school,          Dude iz lookin off into distans. He iz so pensiv n’ hiz tie iz red.
fraternities and sororities and      U. into a state-like partying            Reaction among faculty and      SUNY-Albany, by early 2012.




                                                                                                                                                    Scarred for life
Ashley Adam Rubin
World’s Greatest Lover


Think of the easiest object
to draw. Did you think of a
penis? Because we did, and
so did all those perverted
Disney animators. The sex
stars in “Lion King,” Alad-
din’s “Take off your clothes”
line, and the topless woman
in “The Rescuers Down
                                     The classic spaghetti smooch         Amos, hunter and owner of Cop-      As Esméralda, the female lead,        Inside the peach we find a boy, a     Near the start of the film (4:26),
Under” are priceless con-
                                     may be romantic, but it’s also       per the hound, makes a loud         flees the knights pursuing her at      ladybug, a grasshopper, a centi-     Elastigirl seductively sizes up Mr.
tributions to the movies we
                                     racy. Look in the background         and incomprehensible scream         the commencement of the film           pede, an earthworm, a spider, a      Incredible. As she takes her leave
know and love, but they’re
                                     (42:13) and you’ll glimpse           consisting mostly of gibberish      (2:11), she spins and appears to      silkworm and a penis (55:50). In     from the rooftops, Mr. Incredible
obvious perversions. So, for
                                     another pair of canines doin’ the    after his leg is bitten by one of   disappear into thin air. As she       this frame of the stop-motion vid,   appears to experience a sizeable
the sake of inclusion, we’ve
                                     nasty. This, dear reader, is why     his dogs (63:39). When played       spins, her skirt rises just high      a glowing phallus replaces the       erection while still on screen.
uncovered five lesser-known           you should never go on a first        backwards, the audio clearly says   enough to give a generous shot        usual glowworm character. The        This is why real heroes don’t
images that will ruin the            date in a dark alley.                “Fondle young boys. Fondle          of her undergarments. Contrary        creators actually used the same      wear tights.
movies you know and love.                                                 them.” Remarkable.                  to popular belief, French women       glow-in-the-dark condom to
                                                                                                              do shave.                             clothe both clay members.

				
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