Prose                                                                                                                                                     Bluesci: Out Now
  New writing from                                                                                                                                                                                    Obesity epidemic?
  Helen Oyeyemi                                                                                                                                                                                        Bluesci weighs in
                                                                                                                                                                                                         on the debate.
                                                                                                                                                                                                       Varsity’s science
No. 622
Friday October 7th, 2005

                                                                                                                                                                  The Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947


Alethea Foster giving a lecture                                                                                                                                                                          John Foster outside Court on
to the Annual Diabetic Foot                                                                                                                                                                              Wednesday
Conference during July 2005.

Alethea Foster pictured at an          Exclusive images taken minutes after Alethea Foster’s alleged attack upon Julie Simpson. Due to the nature of allegations, certain parts of                       Alethea Foster being escorted
awards ceremony in 2004 with           the image have been pixellated to ensure a fair trial.                                                                                                            to a police van on Monday
her husband John

World renowned academic and mother of two
pictured minutes after her alleged attack upon a student
 Varsity News Team                            which took place at 2.15pm. At 2.25pm a         There was a slight delay before help was             Students have been given strict instruc-
                                              first-year student leant out of a top-floor     available, attributed to the fact that the           tions not to talk to the national press.     Alethea Foster LIFE & CAREER
        61-year-old woman has been            window screaming, “You’ve got to get            room containing Simpson and her                      Varsity has also been inundated with calls

A       charged with the attempted mur-
        der of a Lucy Cavendish mature
student. On Monday afternoon, under-
                                              help, someone’s being stabbed, I can’t get
                                              any signal on my phone”. A second stu-
                                              dent told of how she heard “around a
                                                                                              attacker was apparently locked. The
                                                                                              porters, allegedly both new to the col-
                                                                                              lege, also encountered difficulties in
                                                                                                                                                   for information and requests for photo-
                                                                                                                                                   graphs as knowledge spread that Varsity
                                                                                                                                                   was the only publication in possession of
                                                                                                                                                                                                Lives: Warren Street, Bromley, Kent
                                                                                                                                                                                                Family: Married to John Foster, two chil-
                                                                                                                                                                                                dren, Julien, 34 and William, 31
graduate History student Julie Simpson,       minute of screaming.” Those outside the         entering the building without the                    photographs of the suspect immediately       2004: Retired as Lead Clinical Specialist
44, is alleged to have been very seriously    building were initially “completely             required swipe card.                                 after her arrest. The national press, some   Podiatrist, Diabetic foot clinic, King’s College
injured by retired award-winning podia-       frozen”, but after a brief pause three first-     Police and ambulances arrived soon                 college students and Simpson’s neigh-        Hospital.
trist Alethea Foster, of Bromley, Kent.       year students ran to get help in the            after and managed to disarm the suspect.             bours in Kent have all implied, however,     2003: Invited to 10 Downing Street by the
                                                                                                                                                                                                Prime Minister 'in recognition of the role of
Simpson was attacked with a kitchen           Porters’ Lodge. A student who was inside        She was taken directly to the police sta-            that she was romantically involved with
                                                                                                                                                                                                the Allied Healthcare Professions within the
knife in her bedroom in college residence     the building described how she had ini-         tion and appeared in court on                        John Foster, the suspect’s husband.          NHS'.
Warburton Hall. A medical student who         tially put the shouting down to “some-          Wednesday night, where she spoke only                According to college members, Simpson        1991-2001: Executive Committee of the
spoke to the ambulance crew learned           one larking around.” She was immedi-            to confirm her personal details.                     had signed in Foster as a guest an hour      EASD Post-Graduate Study Group for the
that Simpson sustained irreparable            ately instructed by Maintenance employ-           Simpson remains in Addenbrookes’                   before the incident took place. Allegedly,   Diabetic foot
injuries to her eye, four stabs in her arms   ee, Kim Atterton, to run to the porters, as     Hospital where she has been taken off the            she had notified a porter that she was       1999: Won the M Viswanathan Gold Medal
and a paralysing blow to the shoulder         he was “trying to get the perpetrator to        critical list but is still in a serious condition.   expecting a guest at this time and had       “in recognition of services to diabetes”
and chest area. Two students living on        put the knife down and was unable to              The connection between the two                     asked him to telephone her when her vis-     1997: Won the Meritous Award of the
                                                                                                                                                                                                Society of Chiropidists and Podiatrists
the corridor are said to have witnessed       phone the porter himself”.                      women has been the subject of huge                   itor arrived. Sometime before 1.30pm,
                                                                                                                                                                                                1996-7: Elected onto Chiropidists’ Board
part of the attack.                             Those present at the scene have               media interest over the past two days,               Simpson arrived at the Porters’ Lodge and
                                                                                                                                                                                                Publications: Managing the Diabetic Foot,
  A member of college described how           described how the porters at first reacted      with journalists from all major papers               took Foster to her room, where it is
“people were milling round on the lawn        slowly. It is now thought that they did         “swarming” over the Lucy Cavendish                   believed that the incident occurred.
                                                                                                                                                                                                A Practical Manual of Diabetic Foot Care,
outside after the Matriculation photo”,       not realise how serious the situation was.      grounds in search of information.
                                                                                                                                                                                                2003 (BMA Medical Book of the Year)

Benj Seidler on Kim Jones >13 Mary Bowers, Sudoku Meditations >17 Chris Eubank interviewed >39
2 Varsity News 07.10.05

news in brief
                                           Body found in city
£4.5 million government
campaign to attract students
The government is urging stu-
dents not to be deterred by the
new £3000 per year top-up
fees. A large-scale TV and bill-                                                 described a strong police presence     thing overtly suspicious about the
board campaign, created by                  Rachel Divall                        in the area. New Hall 3rd year
                                                                                 Amy Fox told Varsity she had
                                                                                                                        death, police had been forced to
                                                                                                                        investigate thoroughly because
the company behind the Harry
Potter      films, has      been           On Monday a body was found in         been on her way to Sainsbury’s         “with any incident like this every
launched. The aim is to make               a    churchyard       in    central   when when she saw “lots of             possibility has to be considered.”
students aware that payment of             Cambridge.                            police cars and a scientific support      The discovery prompted mixed
fees is due after graduation and           At around 8am on October 3, the       unit” Another student saw police       reactions from students and local
that a grant for the poorest stu-          body of a 27 year old man was         ushering onlookers away from           residents. A third year under-
dents is being introduced. This            discovered in the grounds of St       the area.                              graduate said “I often walk
is the first time the government           Giles’ Church, on the corner of          Police called forensic experts to   around here and have never seen
has publicly acknowledged                  Chesterton Lane and Castle Hill,      the scene and early results of a       anything unusual so it was quite
that there might be confusion              an area lived in by students. A       post mortem indicate the man           shocking to hear someone had
surrounding the new tuition                builder working on renovations        had died from a drug overdose.         died in the open air” However a
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Jamie Marland
fees system.                               at the church who discovered the      Detective Inspector Tony Ixer,         female undergraduate described

Chief Editor needed
The Mays, the renowned anthol-
ogy of new creative writing by
                                           body, told police it had been lying
                                           under scaffolding close to the
                                           church wall and was that of a
                                           middle-aged man.
                                                                                 who is leading the investigation,
                                                                                 confirmed that the body was that
                                                                                 of “a known drug user from
                                                                                 South Cambridgeshire”.
                                                                                                                        the incident as “not all that hard
                                                                                                                        to believe, everyone knows the
                                                                                                                        church grounds are frequented
                                                                                                                        by drug users.”
                                                                                                                                                                 Blast from
Oxbridge students,is searching
for a Chief Editor for its four-
teenth annual edition. If you
think you can spot the next
Zadie         Smith,       e-mail
                                              The churchyard was immedi-
                                           ately sealed off and students
                                                                                    Inspector Ixer explained that,
                                                                                 although there hadn’t been any-
                                                                                                                                                                 the Past for an                                                                                                                                                                       Respect party called for an inde-
application form. Previous edi-                                                                                                                                  Jude Townend                       pendent inquiry into allegations
tions of The Mays are now avail-                                                                                                                                                                    that the asylum seekers at
able at 4 for £10 at Heffer’s.                                                                                                                                   At least four Second World War     Oakington Detention Centre
                                                                                                                                                                 bombs have been excavated in       were deliberately not included
Clare access scheme short-                                                                                                                                       Oakington, north of Cambridge.     in the original evacuation. Two
listed for top award                                                                                                                                             Around 500 homes, a primary        buses of asylum seekers were
The Clare College Tower                                                                                                                      Michael Derringer   school and an ayslum seekers’      evacuated on Thursday night
Hamlets scheme has been                                                                                                                                          centre were due to be evacuat-     and it was planned that the
short-listed for the Lord                                                                                                                                        ed. at 9 am today after the        remaining twenty three asylum
Mayor of London’s 2005                                                                                                                                           fourth bomb was uncovered.         seekers would be moved this
Dragon Awards. The partner-                                                                                                                                      Two bombs were discovered at       morning. Detonation of the two
ship between the college and                                                                                                                                     the weekend, with one detona-      remaining bombs is scheduled
the London Borough aims to                                                                                                                                       tion taking place on Wednesday.    to take place today but will
raise the aspirations of stu-                                                                                                                                    The controlled explosion left a    depend on weather conditions;
dents in the area. Over 1000                                                                                                                                     thirty metre crater. The second    the number of people likely to
students have taken part in                                                                                                                                      bomb was made safe over the        be affected has not been con-
the KPMG and Clifford                                                                                                                                            next forty eight hours. During     firmed. One local farmer com-
Chance sponsored scheme                                                                                                                                          this time, eighty residents were   mented, “Who knows how
since 2001. Six students are                                                                                                                                     evacuated, but were allowed        many bombs there could be?
studying in Cambridge as a                                                                                                                                       home overnight when further        There’s bound to be more”. The
result of participation in the                                                                                                                                   detonations were postponed;        field in which the bombs were
scheme.                                                                                                                                                          the Senior Tutor of St             found, near Brookfields Farm, is
                                                                                                                                                                 Catharine’s College was con-       earmarked for an 8000 home
National Portrait Gallery                                                                                                                                        firmed to be among the resi-       Northstowe development. It was
wins Plath’s sketch of Hughes                                                                                                                                    dents evacuated.                   an RAF airfield during the
The unique portrait of Ted                                                                                                                                       The Cambridge branch of the        Second World War.
Hughes by Sylvia Plath which
featured in Varsity last week
was acquired at auction by                 Cambridge Scientist denies racism allegation                                 Guide slams Cambridge hotels             Big City Lights
the National Portrait Gallery              Molecular biologist Dr Prim Singh, 45, told a tribunal this week that race   Hoteliers in Cambridge have              The claim that Cambridge City Council was going to fail to pro-
for £27,600 - £2000 more                   had cost him a top job. He is seeking £1 million in damages, claiming he     reacted angrily to a guide pub-          duce christmas lighting this year, as gleefully reported by other
than the highest estimated                 was "never given a chance" in his application for the directorship of the    lished this week in which it is          local media, has proved to be completely unfounded. The council
bid. Entitled ‘Portrait of me,             Babraham Institute. But Dr David Bloxham, who sat on the panel that          claimed that the city's offerings        were in fact discussing with contractors possible placings of cer-
made by Sylvia Plath, circa                decided the Babraham appointment, argued that Dr Singh's CV had not          are less than up to scratch.             tain features, a spokesman said, describing the allegations as
1957, Ted Hughes’, it was a                been as strong as his competitors. The Babraham Institute is denying all     Cambridge has not managed a              “utter rubbish”
gift from the poet to Roy                  charges and the hearing continues.                                           single full entry in the 2006 edi-
Davids, his close friend.                                                                                               tion of the Good Hotel Guide,            Elocution improves at Lion Yard
                                           NUS cleared of anti-semitism                                                 despite being one of Britain's top       Varsity is pleased to announce that the jarring transatlantic twang
Alison Richards speaks to                  A report published on October 6 cleared the National Union of Students       tourist destinations, attracting         of the Lion Yard car park ticket machines has been replaced. The
the University                             of apathy towards anti semitism. The report was commissioned follow-         around 4.5 million visitors a year.      voice is now apparently more akin to the dulcet tones of Joanna
In the Vice-Chancellor’s                   ing the resignation of three committee members in April. Lack of kosher      Adam Raphael, editor of the              Lumley. Councillor Herbert said: "It's one small step for
annual speech on October 1,                food at conference and the slow removal of an offensive leaflet caused       guide, called the city the               Cambridge car parks and one giant leap for English heritage”.
Professor Richards set out                 the problems. NUS President Kat Fletcher said that she was very pleased      "Bermuda Triangle of the hotel
her views on the relationship              and that the NUS remained “committed to diversity”.                          industry”.
between society and univer-
sities, praising the fact that
“Cambridge cherishes free-
dom of thought and expres-
sion and gives this freedom
pre-eminence among its core
                                           The view from Lucy Cav
                                                      Katherine Poole speaks in the aftermath of the week’s horrific happenings
                                                                                                                                                                                                            on fame
values”. She also addressed
the debate over the introduc-
                                                                                                                                                                                                         Lynn Barber
tion of top-up fees in 2006.
                                           The specifics of the incident that took place this Monday at Lucy             port they needed, be it company, distraction, or time alone.
                                                                                                                                                                                                         gets candid
                                           Cavendish are now the concern of the legal process and of those
                                           individuals directly involved. One thing, however, emerged on
                                                                                                                         Freshers barely four days into their new lives found their bond-
                                                                                                                         ing experience a little accelerated, as they united behind those of
                                                                                                                                                                                                          with Emily
                                           the brilliant blue October morning that followed. As the college              their number who were directly affected: a rather abrupt intro-                      Stokes
          listen                           took stock, the aftermath confirmed one fundamental reality
                                           about student life both here and in Cambridge as a whole - a col-
                                           lege is its students.
                                                                                                                         duction into the way we do things here at Lucy.
                                                                                                                         Lucy is a college that brings together women of all ages and all
                                                                                                                         disciplines at all stages in their academic career. It has a wealth
                                           While I meandered about, trying to be of some practical use and               of experience and a certain freedom from conventional social
             You can hear                  not really being of any, everyone kept asking if I was okay. Why              boundaries, from which to draw strength at moments such as
             Varsity on the                wouldn’t I be? I was barely involved. What I didn’t realise was               this.We were able to return to our accommodation the following
                                           that the organ of communal recovery was already in action, as                 afternoon. Keen to get back to the room I had only so recently
             radio on                      networks of support sprang up from nowhere, instinctively and                 begun to make a home, it was late before I realised that I might
             Mondays at                    with far more efficiency than a prescient contingency plan could              not be quite as ‘okay’ as I had been insisting throughout the day.
             10pm.                         ever provide.                                                                 It was at this point I realised how lucky I am to be part of this
                                           Plentiful supplies of food, clothing, toiletries and money were               community. And it is to this community that we hope the victim
             CUR 1350                      gathered for those of us deprived of our beds and belongings for              will eventually be able to return.
                                           just over 24 hours, some having left the building with nothing
                                           but the clothes they stood in. No one was left without the sup-

  our policy
                                            Week in
                                            Weather                                FRI                   SAT                      SUN                      MON                    TUE                  WED                 THUR
Pembroke goes to the dogs: It’s all
                                                                                                                                                                                       07.10.05 News Varsity 3

rover for Pub Crawl pranksters                                             the point at which he threw             humiliating”. Mark Wormald,
                                                                           up”. Others concurred saying            Senior Tutor at Pembroke, told
                                                                           “it was pot luck as to who got          Varsity that “It seems that one
                                                                           the dog food and who got the            group of students, in one of
                                                                           chillies…afterwards it was              the seven pubs involved,
                                                                           absolute carnage”.                      chose to ignore that very sen-
                                                                              Two    members       of   the        sible advice, and in doing so
                                                                           Pembroke Junior Parlour were            may have embarrassed or
                                                                           seen earlier in the evening             offended some of our new stu-
                                                                           walking down Tennis Court               dents. We deplore this error of
                                                                           Road with bags of shopping,             judgement and its conse-
                                                                           shouting to a passer by “we’ve          quences. The College is now
                                                                           got dog-food!” Although con-            working with the Junior
   The Anchor pub: pranksters’ feeding ground              Jamie Marland   tacted by Varsity, at the time of       Parlour Committee to identify
                                                                           going to press we had received          those responsible and those
                                     called the Boat Race were pre-        no     response      from    the        affected; we will be apologiz-
News Reporter                        sented with a plate of pies, half     Pembroke Junior Parlour as to           ing to the latter, who have not
                                     of which contained dog food,          whether this was an approved            made a complaint to the
   Pembroke College’s Monday         the other containing chillies.        part of the pub crawl.                  College, and taking appropri-
night pub crawl left a bitter        Although it appears that the             The freshers were being              ate steps to ensure that such
taste in the mouth of some           majority of groups were               taken round seven Cambridge             an episode does not happen
freshers after they were fed         warned of the contents of the         pubs in groups, completing              again.”
dog food as a practical joke.        pies, one team were not so            different drinking challenges              One Pembroke second year
The perpetrators are rumoured        lucky. Pembroke Porters told          at each one with forfeits after-        summed up the unfortunated
to have been members of the          Varsity that several freshers         wards for the slowest to finish.        episode saying “it was dog-
Junior Parlour manning the           were seen running home visi-          This had the full permission of         eat-dog as freshers fought to
Anchor pub near Queen’s              bly upset by their ordeal.            Pembroke College, although              avoid the contaminated pies.
Bridge.                                One Pembroke fresher told a         the organisers were told to             I’m glad this didn’t happen in
   Freshers who finished last in     Varsity news reporter that “one       “avoid anything that was                my freshers’ week.”
a well known drinking game           guy was virtually force fed it to     potentially demeaning or

Historic Market under threat                                                                                                                           Reduced chance of
Traders will be gone within two years if nothing is done to support them
                                                                                                                   allow credit card purchases.
                                                                                                                                                       cocaine relapse
Joe Gosden                                                                                                            Annette Wilson, who man-
                                                                                                                   ages the market for Cambridge
   Cambridge’s historic market is                                                                                  City Council, said that they
under threat and could be all                                                                                      were working with the market
but gone within two years if                                                                                       traders to help promote the ail-
nothing is done to reinvigorate                                                                                    ing market and that she thought
the struggling city centre.                                                                                        it “was fantastic that the market
Market traders, some of whom                                                                                       traders were thinking long
are the third generation to work                                                                                   term”. She said that a document
in the 900 year old market, told                                                                                   had been put together by the
Varsity of how with rising rents,                                                                                  council just last week on plans
a slump in trade and a lack of                                                                                     to regenerate the market in the
interest from the city council are                                                                                 long term. Support was also
endangering their businesses.                                                                                      forthcoming from local politi-
   David Jacobs, a trader who                                                                                      cians, with local councillor
has worked on the market 6                                                                                         James Strachan telling Varsity
days a week since the age of 15,                                                                                   that “more can be done. The
described a complete lack of                                                                                       Council ought to have worked
support from the city council.                                                                                     out that removing 700 car park-
He said “its us that are suffering                                                                                 ing spaces from the City centre
                                                                                                                                                                                                               Hannah Fletcher
as the city council put all their                                                                                  would reduce the number of
money and time into the                                                                                            shoppers and reduce turnover in
Grafton Centre and the Grand                                                                                       the market. They should offer a                                         effects of memory. “Drug-asso-
Arcade”.                                                                                                           rent rebate of £200 per month       Krystyna Larkham                    ciated stimuli are critically
   Kevin Murphy, proprietor of                                                                                     per trader until the Lion Yard                     Science Editor       important in the acquisition of
“Perfect Circle CDs,” said “the                                                                                    car park is back in operation.”        A Cambridge team have dis-       prolonged periods of drug seek-
Grafton centre has all but taken                                                                                      Liberal Democrat Councillor      covered a way to disassociate       ing behaviour. Therefore the
over…there just aren’t the cus-                                                                                    Jenny Bailey, who is responsible    the memories linked with tak-       ability to disrupt retroactively
tomers in the city centre any                                                                                      for the market, said that “long     ing cocaine, from the physical      the conditioned reinforcing
more”, adding that “the council                                                                                    term plans for the market will      craving for the drug these          properties of a drug cue pro-
have done nothing to promote                                                                                       hopefully see nice new market       memories often induce. It is        vides a powerful and novel
the market in years”. His tale                                                                                     stalls that could be wheeled        hoped that the breakthrough,        approach to the treatment of
was backed up by many others,                                                                                      away in the evening to leave a      made by Professor Barry Everitt     drug addiction by diminishing
                                                                                               Michael Derringer
furniture       trader      Claire                                                                                 grand civic space and to give       and his team at the department      the behavioural impact of drug
Molynieux told Varsity that          trader’s life blood, has been can-    year in rent, but none of it is         Cambridge city center a conti-      of Experimental Psychology,         cues and thereby relapse” says
“there’s no locals anymore, only     celled whilst the square has          ever put back into the square”          nental feel”. She added “as more    will one day greatly reduce         Dr Jonathan Lee, who also
tourists at the weekend. We          slipped into disrepair as funding     She pointed out that the council        mainstream shops move into          recovering addict’s chances of      worked on the project.
aren’t even taking the rent for      cuts have meant the loss of a full    could install hard roofs, repair        the Grand Arcade we hope that       relapsing whenever an old drug         Professor Everitt’s team
the stall during the week any-       time cleaner; leaving rubbish         the cobbles and improve the             the City Centre shops will          taking haunt, action or friend is   worked with rats, using a com-
more”.                               festering in the alleys, the stall    aesthetic appearance of the mar-        become more specialized, like       revisited.                          bination of behavioural (lever
   Many traders are worried that     awnings dirty and sagging and         ket relatively cheaply, but were        the lanes in Brighton.” She            Cocaine is a highly addictive    pressing, nose poke and light
they will have gone bankrupt         the fountain in the centre            just unwilling to put in the time       stood by the council’s decision     compound, which acts within         based reward systems) and
within two years if nothing is       blocked up with dirt.                 and effort. The was general con-        to close the Lion Yard car park     the areas of the brain associated   molecular (gene knockout)
done to reduce the crippling            Audrey O’Connor, chairman          sensus amongst the traders that         and reduce its future capacity,     with ‘reward’. By blocking the      techniques to investigate the
rents and to help bring cus-         of the Cambridge Market               they wanted to create a market          saying “cars are an unsustain-      action of certain proteins          memory process “reconsolida-
tomers back to the market            Traders Association, said that        fit for the 21st century, one that      able way to travel into             responsible for quick up take of    tion” whereby recalled memo-
square. The bus service that         investment was sorely needed.         would bring young people back           Cambridge…people should be          the neurotransmitter dopamine       ries can be disrupted or
used to run into the city centre,    “The market traders are paying        into the centre and could even          using public transport or cycling   after a brain cell has ‘fired’,     changed. Their results show
bringing in locals who were the      over half a million pounds a          have the facilities installed to        instead”.                           cocaine causes a constant stim-     that the association of cocaine
                                                                                                                                                       ulation of the neurons involved     with a particular memory can
                                                                                                                                                       with feeling good, therefore        be disrupted, without harming

New chlamydia test developed                                                                                                                           inducing the ‘high’ craved by so
                                                                                                                                                       many users. Unfortunately it
                                                                                                                                                       also causes a drop in dopamine
                                                                                                                                                       after the high has worn off,
                                                                                                                                                                                           any other aspects of memory,
                                                                                                                                                                                           good news for addicts often
                                                                                                                                                                                           tempted into relapse by the
                                                                                                                                                                                           cravings their old hang-outs
Amelia Worsley                       forward test indicates infection
                                     by on a small dipstick, similar to
                                                                           test themselves at home.
                                                                              Combining testing and treat-
                                                                                                                   mon sexually transmitted infec-
                                                                                                                   tions and the biggest cause of
                                                                                                                                                       leading to feelings of depres-
                                                                                                                                                       sion, and even acts on our
                                                                                                                                                                                              So whilst the physical and
   Quick diagnosis invention will    a pregnancy test.                     ment in one clinic visit raises         infertility. The scientists who     genes themselves, making the        psychological aspects of cocaine
speed up treatment of chlamy-           Previously treatment could be      treatment rates. Dr Alison Swain        invented the rapid test were        body more sensitive to the          addiction are often treated with
dia.                                 delayed for up to two weeks           from the Brook Advisory Service,        funded by the Wellcome Trust,       drug.                               a combination of counselling
   Cambridge’s       Diagnostics     while results were sent away for      praised the invention saying,           WHO and the U.S National               Drugs and therapies exist to     and medication, this new
Development Unit (DDU) has           testing.    The innovation is         "clients who are positive can be        Institute of Health. Their          combat this physical side of        Cambridge discovery will hope-
developed     an      innovative     already being trialled at a family    treated immediately without a           research continues on similar       cocaine addiction, but until        fully lead to therapy for the
Chlamydia test that gives results    planning clinic and it is hoped       return visit.’                          tests for HIV and Hepatitis B.      now there has been little           memory too.
within 25 minutes. The straight-     that women will soon be able to          Chlamydia is the most com-                                               progress made on the powerful
                                                                               Grads join the club
4 Varsity News 07.10.05

                       On Campus
Changes to cycling                     talks and workshops. The events         Lilie Weaver                        GU within the university and            ments and the Cambridge                   tions are to be dealt with,
                                       will be open to all and guests from                                         improve the facilities available        University Press. Most of them            accused Broadbent of being
As part of an eighteen month           all over the region and country are                                         to      graduate        students.       have facilities in or close to the        ‘secretive’ and said that she did
experiment        the       current    to be invited. The celebration was         The Graduate Union has           Broadbent told Varsity that he          University Centre, including              not consider the authorities
regulations restricting cycling on     launched on Wednesday October           overcome multiple objections        had not anticipated the intensi-        the Politics department, the              that he had contacted to be
St. Mary’s Street, Market Hill,        5 with a reading by Nobel               to be granted a club license at     ty of the objections to the appli-      Centre for International Studies          “senior enough”. The chairman
Market Street and Sidney Street        Laureate Seamus Heaney. John            the University Centre on Mill       cation, going on to add that the        and the School of Biological              quickly dismissed these dis-
are to be suspended. This will         Mole, Honorary Director of the          Lane. They will be able to hold     graduate body are “really quite         Sciences. Catherine Ashby, rep-           putes as “personal and irrele-
provide cyclists with a direct route   Festival and acclaimed poet, also       up to eight live music events a     a docile bunch” many of whom            resenting the CUP, said that              vant to the guidelines of the
from the south to the north of the     spoke at the opening.                   year and keep their bar open        have “social needs which are            despite the fact that “not more           new act”.
city. The council have stressed                                                until midnight. Improvements        not met by large, loud night-           than ten students” had used the              From the 24th November the
that the current one-way system        Town meets gown                         will also be made to the build-     clubs in town”. He believes that        facility there was still an unac-         GU bar will be open 7pm-
must be observed and when                                                      ing’s facilities, including the     the ruling “sets an important           ceptable level of what she                Midnight in the University
cycling during busy periods            Cambridge City Council is               disabled access.                    precedent” and hopes that it            termed ‘detritus’ outside in the          Centre on Mill Lane. The
cyclists must prioritise pedestrian    organizing a series of ‘Town and           The move comes after a sus-      will help CUSU in their quest to        alleyway that the GU shares               University still retains the
safety. A survey will be carried out   Gown’ summits to help tackle            tained period of campaigning        find a central union building.          with the CUP.                             power to refuse permission for
after twelve months in order to        student issues in the city. The first   of campaigning by GU presi-            Opposition to the application            Mrs Small, who was repre-             certain evenets, but Broadbent
assess the scheme’s success.           meeting of Liberal Democrat             dent Alex Broadbent, who            came from the university as a           senting the secretariat through           is hopeful that any remaining

                                                                               Blood Service Barred
                                       Councillors and representatives         wants to raise the profile of the   whole, as well as seven depart-         which all university applica-             issues can be resolved.
Music fellow for                       from Cambridge’s Student Union
Kettle’s Yard                          has already taken place, and
                                       representatives from APU are
Kettle’s Yard and Kings College        being sought. It is hoped that the
have appointed a new music             meetings will tackle issues such
fellow. Anton Lukoszevieze will        as recycling, personal safety,
programme        a    series     of    lighting in parks and commons,                                                                                      dred individuals as ‘dirty’ and           these regulations are “continually
contemporary music concerts at         homelessness, transport and
                                                                                                                   David Marusza                           ‘second class’.                           monitored and changed”, it
Kettle’s Yard as well as working       cycle theft.                                                                                                           Penny        Richardson,       the     emerges that men who have sex
with student composers and local                                                                                      Birmingham University Guild          National Blood Service’s Press            with men represent the group at
music groups. Anton, a cellist, will   Electronic cards for                                                        of Students cancelled the booking       Officer for the region, said that the     highest risk of contracting HIV.
introduce himself to Cambridge in      colleges                                                                    of a National Blood Service (NBS)       agency, which is an offshoot of           Sexually active homosexuals rep-
a concert entitled “The Art of the                                                                                 stall at their Freshers’ Fair, brand-   the NHS, was ‘disappointed’ that          resent around 70% of those
Curved Bow” on 20 October at           Robinson and New Hall have                                                  ing the NBS’ policy of not allow-       such a decision had been taken,           infected in the UK. The organisa-
7.30. Tickets are £3 for students      caught up with many other                                                   ing “men who have had sex with          and thought it unlikely that the          tion maintains that the ban on
and can be purchased from              colleges by introducing card                                                a man: even if it is safe sex, or       decision to ban the stall would           homosexual men is necessary to
Kettle’s Yard.                         systems for the payment of food                                             those who have slept with these         encounter widespread support              combat the spread of the virus
                                       at hall. It is hoped that the cards                                         men” to donate blood to be “insti-      from students. Richardson said            through transfusions.
Literary festival at                   will prevent lengthy queuing at                                             tutional homophobia”. As a              that the NBS had received many               At present, the NBS is not
Magdalene                              mealtimes and mean students                                                 result, the NBS were not present        enquiries from students at                experiencing shortages of blood
                                       won’t always have to carry                                                  at the University this week. While      Birmingham who are still eager to         stocks. The organisation does,
Magdalene College is holding a         around cash – something that can                                            the President of the Guild,             donate blood.                             however, stress that is always nec-
year-long celebration of writing       be inconvenient for those                                                   Richard Angell, maintained that            Richardson pointed out that            essary to ensure the recruitment
entitled “A Year In Literature”.       studying at colleges out of town.                                           the Guild “respect and appreciate       the NBS, and its affiliated bodies        of new blood donors, as it is
There are more than 50 events          The canteens will still be                                                  the importance of giving blood”         in Scotland, Wales and Northern           unsafe to take blood from donors
planned as part of the                 accepting cash for the time being.                                          he was unable to sanction the           Ireland, are subject to blood dona-       who are over seventy, pregnant,
celebration,   ranging     from                                                                                    ‘bigotry’ of the rules governing        tion guidelines drawn up by a             or beginning long-term medica-
readings and performances to                                                                                       who can donate. Angell argued           government regulatory body                tion. The NBS hopes to return to
                                                                                                                   that such restrictions tarred gay,      based on the latest “epidemiologi-        the Birmingham Freshers’ Fair
                                                                                                                   lesbian, bisexual and transgen-         cal statistics and research”. While       next year.

                    Cross Campus
                                       Protection Act, the university has
 Oxford coach                          done nothing to rectify the sit-
 ‘legless’ before                      uation.
 drowning incident
                                       It’s a bit grim up
 An inquest on October 3 heard         North
 that the head coach of an Oxford
 University rowing team was ‘leg-      York University Health Centre is
 less’ on the eve of an accident in    being sued for negligence after
 which one of her party drowned.       nurses missed a patient’s illness
 Maths      postgraduate      Leo      in March 2003, almost killing him.
 Blockley drowned when his boat        Student Stuart Rudd’s spleen
 was swamped during a storm on         ruptured two weeks after he was
 the Ebro River near Barcelona in      told that he was only suffering
 2001. He had previously rowed         from a viral infection and sent           Looking Grand: Architects released stunning new projections of the new Grand Arcade mall currently under construction along St.

                                                                               Cambridge                                                                   Money Matters:
 for       Downing        College,     home. He collapsed whilst play-         Andrew’s Street in Cambridge city centre. The project is due for completion in early 2008.
 Cambridge. The case was               ing cricket and was rushed to
 recently re-opened when evi-          hospital.
 dence emerged suggesting that

                                                                               tops the table                                                              The best banks
 the coach Leila Hudson, a former      Glasgow kiss for
 Boat Race cox, had been drunk         Edinburgh’s music-
 the night before the accident.        loving students
 Last all-female                       A band night at Edinburgh’s stu-
 Durham college                        dent union was gatecrashed by
 admits men                            drunken louts who repeatedly
                                       punched and head-butted a stu-                                              portion of students entering            Amea Koziol
 St Mary’s College, Durham has         dent in the face. Despite the
                                                                               Joseph Heaven                       graduate level jobs, percentage
 ended its 106 year tradition of       University stepping up security it                                          of first and 2:1 degrees award-                                                      Best Graduation Package
 single-sex education. The first       was the second assault in as               Cambridge       topped    The    ed, student/staff ratios and               Making income and expenditure             Many banks are hesitant to give
 male student, Christopher             many weeks. A spokesman for             Sunday      Times      University   dropout rates. The table does           balance is tough, but nothing to fear     this information, so check out the
 Arckless from Tyne and Wear,          Lothian and Borders Police said         league for the eighth year in a     not take into account the insti-        if you’ve sussed out your bank            situation for when you graduate.
 matriculated this week and was        they had yet to arrest anyone.          row, consigning Oxford to run-      tution’s wealth, something that         accounts. To give you an idea of          Barclays give the best deal with its
 followed by 91 other boys within                                              ner-up again. Cambridge is the      has allowed Oxford to take first        what’s on offer and to choose a bank      Graduate Additions account: £3000
 the hour. This leaves only four       Harvard say it’s ok                     top-ranked university for both      place in tables compiled by The         account that best suits you, I’ve         interest-free overdraft in the first
 single-sex university colleges in     to go                                   the quality of its teaching and     Times and The Guardian                  awarded my own ‘Oscars’ for the           year after university and reduces the
 the country, all of which are at                                              research.                           through a higher level of               following offers:                         threshold in steps down to £200 by
 Oxford or Cambridge.                  A Harvard University college has           The University is ‘pleased’ to   spending.                                                                         your fifth year. This allows you to
                                       decided to repeal its policy of not     lead the field again and a             Sir Howard Davies, Director             Best Interest-Free Overdraft           pay back what you owe gradually
 Warwick students                      funding some student research           spokesperson         said    that   of the London School of                 Facility                                  and costs just £5 per month. Be
 feeling exposed                       and travel in countries deemed          “Cambridge is a fantastic place     Economics, described the guide             Halifax ‘’gives you extra” this year   warned: most banks have the right
                                       to be unsafe by the US state            to study, as well as being          as "a first-rate guide to Britain's     with an overdraft of up to £1,750 in      to call in the overdraft and interest
 Students at Warwick University        department. The college had             renowned for its research           universities".                          the first year, increasing to up to       owed at any time.
 learned this week that their IT       come under pressure from stu-           excellence”.                                                                £2,100 during your course of study.
 system had been so poorly             dents and departments after it             There was no change in the         The Sunday Times Table                Although overdrafts appear to be             Best Perk
                                                                                                                     1 Cambridge
 designed that it allowed “anyone      refused to fund travel to places        top five institutions.L                                                     “free money”; once it is exceeded,           Banks have wised up to student
 with reasonable IT skills” to hack    such as Lebanon, Kenya and                 The table ranked each insti-                                             interest rates can vary from five to      marketing and realise that tacky
 in, enabling them to intercept        Israel.                                 tution in eight areas: teaching       2 Oxford                              ten percent, but this only applies to     radios and personal organisers are of
                                                                                                                     3 Imperial College
 emails, track conversations and                                               quality and student satisfaction;                                           the amount over the limit. Most           limited appeal. Although Barclays
 view photographs of all the           Got cross-campus                        head teachers' assessment;                                                  new limits are negotiable and             Student Additions account offers a
 members of the university. It also    chums?                                  research quality, A/AS-level          4 LSE                                 Barclays offers a maximum £3000           number of discounts for restaurants
 allowed hackers to obtain stu-                                                grades achieved by entrants,                                                overdraft at 8.9% APR. This could         and National Express travel; I feel
 dents’ ID numbers. Although this      Send   their    stories          to     graduate employment and pro-          5 UCL                                 prove cheaper than borrowing              Natwest comes up trumps with a
 contravenes the 2000 Data                                                                                                     money on a credit card.                   five year Young Person’s railcard
                                                                                                                                                                             07.10.05 News Varsity 5

Varsity asks: “Just what makes
improving access so complicated?”
The National Foundation for Educational Research has                     Around 200 applicants turn down their offer from                     The University, Cusu and             Do stories highlighting the
found that actual visits to Cambridge are the most effective             Cambridge each year. Do some state school students get so            colleges all run their own           lack of state-schoolers at
way to dispel misconceptions. Does the new AS system                     put off by their Oxbridge interview that they then reject a          access schemes. Would it be          Cambridge do more harm
leave students with less time to consider their choices and              place?                                                               better to pool resources?            than good?
without the opportunity to visit universities?
“An already crowded lower        “The increased level of bureau-         “I turned down my place at         “Overseas applicants account      “Overlap in access work can and      “When Cambridge makes it into
sixth year does not lend itself  cracy faced by schools seems to         Oxford because I didn’t have a     for about half of our decliners   does occur but I think it’s only a   the headlines it is all too often
to university visits, making any have resulted in fewer replies          particularly great time during     and we don’t have any data on     problem if it happens at the         to face accusations of elitism.
misconceptions about places      to any invitations we send              the interview and I didn’t meet    what type of school the others    expense of coverage.”                This can only serve to reinforce
like Oxbridge harder to dispel”  inviting schools to visit.”             anyone I liked.”                   come from.”                       Zen Jelenje, CUSU Access             the stereotypes access schemes
Head of Sixth Form, Bath         Hatty Harris, Admissions                Jessica Adams, 4th year at         University Press Office                                                are trying to dispel.”
                                 Tutor at New Hall                       Imperial                                                                                                  Jonny Lloyd, Trinity

Subjects like Classics and History of Art consistently receive           Some of the University’s courses are seen as inflexible and
dramatically lower numbers of applications from state                    old-fashioned For others it is the small size of the city and
school pupils. Almost 70% of applicants to the Classics                  lack of nightlife which are off-putting. Is Cambridge too            Jessica Adams was just
Faculty are from the independent sector. Although this is a              stuck in its ways?                                                   one of many students who
reflection of the proportion of pupils who take the A-level,
is it accepable?                                                                                                                              spoke to Varsity passionately
                                                                         “I had five friends who didn’t     “I enjoyed the interviews at
                                                                                                                                              about the access problem. She
                                                                         apply to Cambridge because         Cambridge and the people
                                                                                                                                              turned down a place at Oxford
“At the moment you’d be              “We are committed to making         the combination of subjects        seemed nice enough, but the
                                                                                                                                              in favour of Imperial because
unlikely to encourage a year 12      our subject as accessible as pos-   they wanted wasn’t available.”     lifestyle in London appealed to
                                                                                                                                              of a bad interview experience
student who has never encoint-       sible to students from all edu-     2nd year Historian from            me more.”
                                                                                                                                              and the rival course’s promise
ered the Greek language before       cational backgrounds.”              Downing College                    Anish Bhuva, Medic at St
                                                                                                                                              of a year abroad. She has just
to apply for Classics. But I         Dr Richard Miles, Head of                                              John’s who initially turned
                                                                                                                                              returned from Paris for a final
think the problem starts lower       Admissions at the Classics                                             down his place before re-
                                                                                                                                              year’s study in London.
down the education system.”          Faculty                                                                applying
Matilda James, 3rd year
English student

Downing sheds light on bulldozed bikes                                                                                                                                              Varsity tracks
Downing students have com-           and that the shed had been in       been unforthcoming, “Initially     bikes could have been stolen                                            down the best
plained that bicycles have gone      use “well into the summer”.         the college claimed they knew      before demolition. Fortunately                                          value bikes
missing after a bike shed was           Domestic Bursar, Dick Talpin     nothing. Later it was suggested    the college says that the con-
bulldozed during the vacation.       denied that the ‘shed’ had even     that the contractors had           tractors have “generously”
                                                                                                                                              Halfords – Apollo XC26               available for Students)
The college denies that the area     existed, “We allow - but do not     removed them.”                     agreed to pay out for the lost
                                                                                                                                              14”/17”/20” with lights and          Mike’s Bikes - Unimoto
in question could be described       encourage – [students] to leave       Some of the bikes have now       bikes, although students wish-    lock £96.64                          Infinity with mudguards lights
as a ‘shed’ and rejected respon-     bikes in a small locked yard        been returned, but damaged,        ing to claim will have to find    Ben Hayward - Trek T10               and locks at £90 (needs to be
sibility.                            over the summer where we also       with lights missing, seats tam-    their receipts.                   with mudguards, no lights            ordered day in advance)
   A third year girl said “return-   store scrapped bikes. However,      pered with and brakes smashed.        The building work was part     and no locks    £199                 Cambridge Cycle centre -
ing from the summer we found         any storage was at their own        Many are unaccounted for.          of preparatory work for a proj-   Howes Cycles - The classic           Storm Optima Hybrid £115 -
all the shed demolished and all      risk.”                                The Bursar suggested that,       ect of refurbishment and          Claud Butler with mudguards          mixture of town and moun-
the bikes gone”. She said that          One of the finalists affected    because the storage was near a     improved disabled access.         and rack (no lights or lock)         tain bike with mudguard and
there had been “no notification”     complained that the college had     public right of way, some of the                                     209.99 (with 10% discount            rack (men’s bike only)
6 Varsity News 07.10.05

                                                                                     Charlotte Forbes
                                                                                     Deliveries of beer to the Regent
                                                                                                                             result of new traffic wardens
                                                                                                                             employed by the city council
                                                                                                                             rather than the police.               Fountain barrel
                                                                                                                                                                   rolling farce
                                                                                     Street pub, the Fountain Inn,
                                                                                     have been hampered recently             Calling the situation ‘farcical’,
                                                                                     after the City of Cambridge             Steve Davis, manager of the
                                                                                     Brewery, who have been deliver-         Fountain Inn, also pointed out
                                                                                     ing to the pub for eight years,         that during necessary drain
                                                                                     received a £30 parking ticket for       repairs, the drainage company
                                                                                     using a taxi rank to unload their       had received a ticket. This was
                                                                                     barrels.                                later revoked when the council
                                                                                                                             admitted that the sewer prob-
                                                                                     The taxi rank, which is rarely          lems represented a health hazard
                                                                                     used, was what brewery manag-           and required urgent attention.
                                                                                     er Steve Draper called the ‘ideal
                                                                                     place’ to unload on the busy            According to Mr Draper, howev-
                                                                                     street to avoid either obstructing      er, lorries delivering from large
                                                                                     traffic or the nearby zebra cross-      breweries in Regent Street are

                                                                                     ing and bus stop. He said: ‘We          allowed to unload in the bay
                                                                                     thought we were doing everyone          with the marshals choosing to
                                                                                     a favour. We only have seven to         turn a blind eye. ‘It seems as
                                                                                     eight barrels a week to unload          though the marshals are behav-
                                                                                     and can do it in a couple of min-       ing very inconsistently and effec-
                                                                                                                             tively penalising a small local
WES STREETING                                                                        utes there with minimum incon-
                                                                                     venience. Now we have to park
                                                                                     around the corner outside St
                                                                                                                             company who are using only a
                                                                                     Andrew’s Church and roll them
                                                                                     along the pavement. Surely this         Refusing to comment on the lor-
                                                                                     is causing more of a health and         ries, a spokesman from the
sunday                                                                               safety problem?’                        council’s parking services said
                                                                                                                             that the company needed to find
James Cameron, Selwyn JCR President, invites me to do a Freshers’ Talk
                                                                                     The 43-yard stretch now means           another way of delivering, such
about NUS. This’ll be my fifth Selwyn Freshers’ Talk and I just can’t resist.
Laura Walsh arrives less than impressed that I’m crashing in on her ‘gig’. Then
head back home to put in a few hours work on the NUS response to the gov-
ernment’s Youth Green Paper, which I am coordinating as part of my NUS
                                                                                     that the unloading lasts in excess
                                                                                     of fifteen minutes and requires
                                                                                     delivery man Rob [blank] to roll
                                                                                                                             as a different time of day.
                                                                                                                             Although it was acknowledged
                                                                                                                             that the taxi rank is not in great
                                                                                                                                                                   CUSU provide aids
role.                                                                                the barrels down the busy street.
                                                                                     Mr Draper argues that this is the
                                                                                                                             demand, it was emphasised that
                                                                                                                             the brewery had broken the law.       for college sex
Arrive in central London at 8.30am for a meeting with the National Union of
Teachers. Liaising with them is another of my NUS roles, but the meeting is
cancelled. Head over to NUS National Executive Committee meeting, which
                                                                                     Keeping mum                                                                   CUSU have turned to bal-
                                                                                                                                                                   loons and amateur dramat-
                                                                                                                                                                   ics in a bid to stop the
                                                                                                                                                                                                   students to ‘gaze longingly
                                                                                                                                                                                                   at each other across the
                                                                                                                                                                                                   library’ before giving each
begins on a severe low with the resignation of my close friend and colleague         Rachel Divall                           er. He retired in 1987 and did        spread of sexually transmit-    other an array of unpleas-
James Knight, President of NUS Wales, following a period of sustained bully-                                                 not re-marry, living as some-         ted disease. Emails circulat-   ant infections. Some actors
ing and harassment within and outside the organisation. Lots of tears all            It was a case of life imitating         thing of a recluse. A neigh-          ed around welfare officers      took their art very serious-
round. NUS is not a nice place to work sometimes and today is a real low             art this week as an Oedipal             bour said no one had been             earlier this week contained     ly, with certain colleges
point.                                                                               horror story worthy of                  allowed to enter his house            a short dramatic piece to be    organizing           several
                                                                                     Alfred Hitchcock surfaced in            other than one long-trusted           performed for new freshers.     rehearsals before the big
                                                                                     the small Indian town of                maid, to whom he has left all         The moving script required      event.
tuesday                                                                              Siddhavtam Mandal. When
                                                                                     Syed Abdul Gafoor passed
                                                                                                                             his property.
Am supposed to be working at my second job today – with a Labour based
organisation called Progress. However, a nasty eye infection means a take the        away his neighbours discov-             Even after his mother’s
day off sick. Do a bit more work on the Youth Green Paper, but working with          ered that he had been keep-             death Gafoor looked to her
one eye ain’t easy!                                                                  ing the mummified body of               for help with decisions. His
                                                                                     his mother, who had died                maid has been quoted as
                                                                                     twenty years before, in the             saying that he never did
wednesday                                                                            house with him.                         anything without her con-
                                                                                                                             sent: “He used to keep chits
Up in Birmingham today at Aston University for a regional campaign meeting
about top-up fees on PGCE courses – a pet project I’ve taken from CUSU               Cambridge-educated Gafoor,              on the coffin case, pick one
into NUS! Then drive over to Birmingham University to catch up with their            a professor of English, was so          and make a decision accord-
sabb team and get some work done on the international students campaign,             attached to his mother that             ingly.” However she did say
which is another of my responsibilities. Catch the train back down to London         after her death he carefully            that she had never been
In the evening to meet with some students from Goldsmiths and UCL and                preserved her body and                  frightened by the presence
round off the day for a meeting (with some much needed food!) with one of            tended to it daily. By coating          of the body.
the sabbs from LSE about international student immigration issues.                   the body in wax and treating
                                                                                     it with a combination of                After making the gruesome
                                                                                     chemicals, Gafoor was able              discovery locals searched the
thursday                                                                             to prevent it from decom-
                                                                                     posing. He is reported to
                                                                                                                             rest of the house where they
                                                                                                                             found some appropriately
Head into the new NUS HQ in Camden. It’s open plan and very swanky!
Except all the computers were stolen so there’s not much in the way of I.T           have displayed the body in a            titled    literature.  These
provision! Spend the morning in a Further Education Taskforce meeting from           glass coffin.                           included ‘A Mother’s Love’
ten til one. After lunch I spend the afternoon helping to plan the education pri-                                            and ‘Marriage Once Only’.
ority campaign for the year. At the back of my mind was the brilliant article by     Locals said Gafoor had been             Gafoor’s final wish came
Jess Holland in last week’s Varsity, which I show to colleagues. Sufficed to         married but that the rela-              true when villagers buried
say that NUS needs to become the campaigning organisation it once was –              tionship had ended in                   him and his mother together
always respected, but never respectable. I hope I’m playing my part in achiev-       divorce following a fight               next to a local mosque.
ing that goal.                                                                       between his wife and moth-

                                                                             um of t-shirt slogans that, to me, are       of female lust. Or perhaps just a new

incidentally...                                                              the epitome of cosmopolitan cool.
                                                                             The girl-transvestite behind the till
                                                                             comes over to cheerfully to explain
                                                                             the particular merits of the various
                                                                                                                          market to exploit, which now –
                                                                                                                          hooray! – objectifies both genders.
                                                                                                                             Unfortunately, the difference in
                                                                                                                          attitude of the British Summers
jess holland                                                                 brightly-coloured phallus-shaped             (named after the male founder’s sec-
                                                                             things, mostly disguised as rabbit or        retary, with an annual turnover now
                                         hile wandering around New           dolphins or something equally cute,          at £110 million) and the American

                              W          York’s Lower East Side this
                                         summer, sticking to patches
                              of shade and idly wondering
                                                                             while I mumble that I’m just look-
                                                                                ‘Have a great night!’ she calls out,
                                                                                                                          Toys in Babeland is exemplary of
                                                                                                                          wider things. While there are many
                                                                                                                          (ok, a few) American magazines that
                              whether the Rough Guide’s map was              as a customer leaves with a pink see-        treat women as capable of intelli-
                              completely out of date or if I was             thru vibrating unicorn, or something         gence and culture, and deal with sex,
                              even worse at navigating myself                similar. Lining the walls are stacks of      feminism and sexuality in a grown-
                              around the idiot-friendly grid system          zines aimed at people with unortho-          up way (check out Bust and Venus in
                              of the city than I thought, I find             dox sexualities and their feet planted       Borders); the British market in
                              myself at the doorstep (no, really!) of        in NYC’s underground, and the                women’s magazines is made up
                              legendary feminist sex-shop Toys in            whole place feels more like a Le             entirely of consumer-goods vehicles
                              Babeland. (A play on the name of               Tigre gig than the kind of furtive,          doing a strong line in ‘How to please
                              90’s riot-grrrl band Babes in Toyland,         soiled place that you would imagine,         your man’ and ‘I love my new labi-
                              but you knew that.) After the initial          if… hell, I’ll say it… if men were           aplasty’. Being able to pick up a
                              hovering outside like a kid about to           involved.                                    Rampant Rabbit on your way to
                              pull a heist in a sweet shop, I walk              The women’s sex industry is               HMV is one thing but, in my book, it
                              in, feeling the mixture of embarrass-          booming right now – you’ll even              doesn’t mean mainstream accept-
                              ment, self-consciousness and indig-            find an Ann Summers just yards               ance of feminity in all its forms and
                              nation (I’m a grown-up! This is the            from the age-old austerity of Christ’s       guises until you’re sold it by a self-
                              21st Century!) that seem to accom-             College. While it doesn’t have quite         identifying butch dyke with a riot-
                              pany these sorts of situations.                the progressive attitude of Babeland         grrrl haircut (…or at least in a place
                                 It’s full of those kind of hipster          – you’ll be more likely to find hen-         you’re made to feel like more than
                              chicks with straight-across fringes,           night L-plates, nurse’s outfits and          the sum of your body parts.) And it
                              geek chic black-rim glasses and                penis-shaped chocolates than tracts          looks as though that’s something we
                              thrift-store clothes, engaging in radi-        penned by transgender punks – it             British gals are going to have to wait
                              cal protest mostly through the medi-           does mark a new level of acceptance          a few years for.
07.10.05 Advertisement Varsity 7
8 Varsity Features 07.10.05

Missing your favourite pet? ZOE SMEATON considers the possibilty of reincarnation
                                                                           irefighters          Rescue    Genetic Savings and Clone            in Cambridge says he sees little     treatment to make it more like a

                                                                     F     Hamsters from Flat!’
                                                                           ‘Stand by for Feline Baby-
                                                                     Boom!’ The blockbuster pet
                                                                                                          (GSC) is already offering pet
                                                                                                          cloning commercially. The price
                                                                                                          tag is pretty hefty at $32,000,
                                                                                                                                               point in cloning pets at the
                                                                                                                                                  “To clone one pet requires so
                                                                                                                                                                                    normal egg cell, before being
                                                                                                                                                                                    added to the recipient cell. This
                                                                                                                                                                                    increases the likelihood that a
                                                                     headlines emblazon the local         and unless your animal is a cat      many experiments to succeed. It      healthy clone will develop and
                                                                     news stands, and along with the      you’re going to be out of luck,      is hugely wasteful of animals, as    so less embryos will be wasted.

                                                                     photos on the mantelpiece (if        but it’s certainly a start.          huge numbers must die in order          The cloning process is now
                                                                     you’re privileged enough to pos-        The service offers to replace a   to get one embryo surviving,”        sufficiently advanced that many
                                                                     sess such a commodity) serve as      deceased pet with a genetically      he said.                             experts are not even opposed to
                                                                     a constant reminder of the faith-    identical animal, and the first         “Furthermore, clones are not      its use solely for commercial
                                                                     ful pals we left at home.                                                 necessarily direct copies of the     reasons and would like to see it
                                                                        But whilst the majority of us                                          originals. For instance their coat   put to use elsewhere.
                                                                     don’t cry over our beloved ani-                                           colour pattern may differ from          Professor William ‘Twink’
                                                                     mals, Margot Clarke of the Pet                                            their parents.”                      Allen, who would like to clone
                                                                     Bereavement Support Service                                                  Professor Reik explained that     competition        horses      in
                                                                     said they receive thousands of                                            in cloning experiments, a            Cambridge, said that he sees no
                                                                     calls every year from people         PETS ARE                             somatic cell (which is not usual-    real problems with offering a pet
                                                                     grieving the loss of a pet.          PRODUCED BY MAN                      ly used for reproduction) must       cloning service.
                                                                        “That could be either as the      IN BREEDING                          act as an egg cell, so the nucleus      He said: “If people want to
                                                                     result of a death or some separa-                                         must be reprogrammed to              spend their money on cloning
                                                                     tion, for instance if a relation-
                                                                                                          PROGRAMMES, SO                       become dedifferentiated – ie         pets, there’s nothing wrong with
                                                                     ship breaks down or someone          IF PEOPLE WANT                       have no specialised function.        it.”
                                                                     goes away, even if it’s just to      TO SPEND THEIR                       But as this would never happen          “Pets are produced by man in
                                                                     university.                                                               to these cells in nature it seems    breeding programmes anyway,
                                                                        "At that time a person will
                                                                                                          MONEY ON                             that they simply do not know         so as long as we husband the
                                                                                                          CLONING PETS,

                                                                     miss the love, friendship and                                             how to do it correctly.              animals correctly there is no
                                                                     loyalty shown to them by a pet.      THERE’S NOTHING                         He said: “All sorts of things     problem.”
                                                                     They may even experience feel-       WRONG WITH THAT                      can go wrong. The big challenge         Whatever you might think
                                                                     ings of depression which could                                            now is to understand better the      about pet cloning though, it
                                                                     at times seem overwhelming.                                               reprogramming process, for           could be only a matter of time
                                                                     Then they may need to seek                                                example which enzymes and            before it’s available in the UK.
                                                                     help from us.”                                                            biochemical mechanisms are           Maybe in the not so distant
                                                                        But what if all their problems                                         involved, and this is what I’m       future you’ll be storing Rover’s
                                                                     could be solved? Ignore the          pet ever to be presented to a        currently working on.”               DNA ready for your own per-
                                                                     minor issue that we’re currently     paying client is celebrating his        Genetic Savings and Clone         sonal copy or even, if you’re
                                                                     not allowed pets in our rooms,       first birthday next week. Julie of   does attempt to circumvent           really keen, having your per-
                                                                     and imagine a world in which         Texas received Little Nicky – the    some of these problems by using      sonal copy of your little brother
                                                                     you could leave your favourite       ‘twin’ of her deceased cat Nicky     a more advanced chromatin            around whilst the original’s still
                                                                     animal at home where it              – last year and told the             transfer (CT) cloning method,        at school.
Illustration: Jon Lopez
                                                                     belongs, but also keep a virtual-    Associated Press: “He is identi-     which it has an exclusive license
                                                                     ly identical copy of your furry      cal. His personality is the same.”   to use.                              If you would like to speak to some-
                                                                     friend for yourself.                    But the fairytale ending             In this process, the donor cell   one from the pet bereavement sup-
  >> Professor William ‘Twink’ Allen - p17                              Just hop over to America and      comes at a price. Professor Wolf     from he animal being cloned          port service you can call their freep-
                                                                     your dreams could come true -        Reik of the Babraham Institute       undergoes an additional pre-         hone helpline on 0800 096 6606

         All the                   designs. I took a Velazquez’s
                                   painting, Las Meninas, and
                                                                     audience member in the the-
                                                                                                          ing the film of a book is short
                                                                                                          hand for reading the original,                                            For someone famed for
       Answers                     did cut out figures of the dif-
                                   ferent characters in the paint-   Following your recent role
                                                                                                          it’s a quick fix. And yet I
                                                                                                          know when I read a book I
                                                                                                                                                                                    their good looks and their
                                                                                                                                                                                    elegant Roman nose, what
                                   ing and broke it down into a      as Marc Antony in Deborah            will think of it as a film. I am                                          was your motivation to
                                   stage set. That awoke in me       Warner’s Julius Caesar, is           trying to do this less and less!                                          play the noseless

                                   my memories of acting in          which Shakespearean role                                                                                       Voldemort in the next
                                   school plays and the excite-      would like to play in the            More recently you have                                                    Harry Potter film?
                                   ment I had felt. Suddenly I       future?                              worked with Fernando                                                      Well, there you have the

Fiennes                            came face to face with the fact
                                   that I actually wanted to be
                                   an actor, so I joined a local
                                                                     I would like to play Leontes
                                                                     from A Winter’s Tale. And
                                                                     Macbeth, which as a play I see
                                                                                                          Meirelles on The Constant
                                                                                                          Gardener. How did you find
                                                                                                          his direction?
                                                                                                                                                                                    scoop – because not many
                                                                                                                                                                                    people know that he’s nose-
                                                                                                                                                                                    less. My nose was digitally
                   by              acting group.                     as a kind of cousin to Hamlet.
                                                                     When I’m older I would love
                                                                                                          I found it invigorating. I had
                                                                                                          hoped that his high-energy
                                                                                                                                                                                    reduced to fit the snake like
                                                                                                                                                                                    description of Voldemort in

   Andreas                         And four of your siblings
                                   also became actors.
                                                                     to play Prospero and King
                                                                     Lear. Until recently I had
                                                                                                          editing style, although not
                                                                                                          right for every film, was right
                                                                                                                                                                                    the books. I’m not actually a
                                                                                                                                                                                    big fan of the books but I was
   Wiseman                         Well that’s the way it’s turned
                                   out. When we were young I
                                                                     wanted to play Hamlet again,
                                                                     although it has been thought
                                                                                                          for The Constant Gardener.
                                                                                                          Fernando’s scouring speed
                                                                                                                                                                                    persuaded to do the role by
                                                                                                                                                                                    Mike Newell [director] and I
                                   don’t think we all went           of as a young man’s part – I         was great for the film. His                                               had a lot of fun.
                                   around thinking we wanted to      don’t think we should be             editing style can seem abra-
Was it an early start for          be actors or directors. I think   bound by all these naturalistic      sive but it’s actually very sub-                                          What’s next?
you this morning, or have          we grew up in an atmosphere       conventions.                         tle.                                                                      I’m doing a film with Susan

you been taking things             in which everything ‘artistic’                                                                                                                   Sarandon, directed by Bob
easy now that you’re not           was encouraged and this in        You have been involved in            The Constant Gardener is a                             Balaban, about the famous
in rehearsals?                     some way probably accounts        numerous film adaptations            British film and deals with                                               multi-millionaire Doris Duke,
No, it was an early start, I got   for where we are now.             of famous literary works –           quite radical political                                                   who leaves her fortune and
up at 6.30am to go to Yoga. I                                        The English Patient, The End         issues, so have you been                                                  estate to her butler.
feel that if I have a day with-    Throughout your career            of the Affair, Onegin. How           surprised with the large
out exercise my energy dips        you have acted both on            do you think film can                financial success of the                                                  Do you have any advice to
and my spirit spirals. I always    stage and behind the cam-         enhance the experience of            film in America?                                                          the budding actors in
felt very clumsy at drama          era – which do you prefer?        a literary work? And do              I was surprised and delighted.       THERE SEEMS TO                       Cambridge?
school. I thought I had two        I want to keep the balance if I   you think the film has a             Up until recently the main-          BE INCREASING                        It’s very difficult. There will
left feet. I’ve worked on feel-    can. I certainly don’t like       responsibility to the litera-        stream American media has                                                 be knocks. You have to be
ing more physically at ease        being away from the theatre.      ture it’s adapting?                  been afraid to make any nois-
                                                                                                                                               FRUSTRATION AT                       determined. It’s a cliché but I
since then.                        In fact, I love the theatre       I think the film has to have its     es about the Republican              THE WAY WE’VE                        think you really learn your
                                   more and more as I get older.     own energy; its own inner            regime and its obsession with        ALL BEEN DUPED                       skill in the theatre. I believe
And before drama school            I love the risky nature of it.    life. When I was contemplat-         corporate power. I think peo-        BY THE BIG                           that with three to four years
you were at Chelsea Arts           It’s so organic too, which        ing adapting Dostoyevsky’s           ple are angrier now. There           CORPORATIONS                         in rep you develop a real set
College?                           makes it magical. Five years      The Idiot I was talking with         seems an increasing frustra-                                              of acting muscles. The theatre
                                                                                                                                               UNDER THE AEGIS

Yes that’s right – doing a         ago I did seventy-five per-       Peter Greenaway. He said             tion at the way we’ve all been                                            isn’t dead: yes, it’s hard, but
foundation course. I had ini-      formances of Richard III and it   ‘Why do you want to illus-           duped by the big corporations        OF THE BRITISH                       that’s part of it.
tially thought I was going to      was wonderful to see how a        trate a perfectly good novel?’       under the aegis of the present       AND AMERICAN
do a BA in Fine Art but dur-       part can change over that         There have been great adapta-        American and British govern-         GOVERNMENTS.                         Ralph Fiennes stars in Wallace
ing that course I got curious      amount of time. I do like film;   tions but I think Peter was          ments. Fundamentally, the                                                 and Gromit: The Curse of the
about acting. I did some work      different types of photography    right. Film can’t get it all. It’s   success of the film is due to it                                          Were-Rabbit (released October
on some paintings and              and editing can show you          a universe away in the end. I        being well made though. It’s                                              14th) and The Constant
reduced them to 3D set             angles you cannot get as an       think for some people watch-         not Hollywood-ised.                                                       Gardener (release date TBC)
07.10.05 Advertisement Varsity 9
10 Varsity Features 07.10.05

Why invest in clothes that will look out of season - and out of style - in six months’ time?
BENJ OHAD SEIDLER reviews what’s still on the runway, and will last until next spring.
                CHLOE            PROENZA
                                                       MARNI         SPRING-SUMMER                          VERSACE          FENDI          BOTTEGA
                                                                                ‘06                                                         VENETA

                                                                       newfound laid-back atti-
                                                                       tude continues to per-
                                                                       vade         eveningwear.
                                                                 Dresses envelope bodies in
                                                                 wisps of fabric and figures are
                                                                 suggested by a belts and empire
                                                                 waists. Colours are bright and
                                                                 bold as fussiness is abolished.

                                                                       nna Sui shows that prints
                                                                       are best kept subtle and
   MARC                 ANNA                BURBERRY                   shapes should be loose to     ANNA             ANNA           MIU
 JACOBS                 SUI                                                                          SUI              SUI            MIU
                                                                 give the dresses the right
                                                                 amount of swing when in
                                                                   Underneath the layers of
                                                                 dark and heavy ‘Russian
                                                                 Winter’ styling are an array of
                                                                 breezy, voluminous smock
                                                                 dresses fit for a summer walk
                                                                 on the steppe.

                                                                       he bubble skirt continues
                                                                       to distort the silhouette
                                                                       but there is a greater ease
                                                                 and subtler shape on the spring
                                                                   Luella adopts the shape the
                                                                 make a versatile dress suitable
                                                                 for both formals and a punt pic-
                                                                 nic on the Cam.

          YVES SAINT             MARC                    LOUIS                                          LUELLA               MARNI         BURBERRY
          LAURENT              JACOBS                  VUITTON

                                                                 A SOVIET SALUTE
                                                                 >> P17
Photos: Michael Derringer
        Graphic: Tom Kingsley                                                                                                                                                                    07.10.05 Features Varsity 11

                                                                                                               elcome to the         only Chancellor because he did        do sums work. If you’re study-        Freshers’ Fair and have been
          It’s been a frantic week of                                                                          University hello
                                                                                                               we’re sure you’ll
                                                                                                                                     this. It’s also how he won the
                                                                                                                                     heart of HM Elizabeth. He
                                                                                                                                                                           ing postgraduate Mathematics,
                                                                                                                                                                           do sums work?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 crushed by emails they don’t
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 want ever since. Don’t look at it
          bops, crawls, fayres and                                                                             fit right in. You
                                                                                                               may well never
                                                                                                                                     played ‘height.’ She’s only little.
                                                                                                                                        If you have the right air of
                                                                                                                                                                              There are a lot of cliques and
                                                                                                                                                                           friendship groups around the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 so pessimistically. As you get
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 these emails from societies you
                                                                                               have seen a bed and a sink in         shy inferiority, it will come         University. Although largely          have nothing to do with, just
          Tories in bikinis. Now it’s                                                          the same room before. You’ll          across as arrogance. This makes       anti-social, these are called soci-   think of yourself as a voyeur,
                                                                                               get used to it. Your bed is small     you more attractive.                  eties. You’ll probably have been      not a victim.
          all over for another year.                                                           and weak. You forgot to bring a
                                                                                               pen. Well done on your A-lev-
                                                                                                                                        Feel secure in the knowledge
                                                                                                                                     that not knowing you are
                                                                                                                                                                           to the Freshers’ Fair and how
                                                                                                                                                                           many of these there are – cur-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    They say the people you
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 meet here will be your friends
                                                                                               els.                                  attractive makes you attractive.      rently one per student. There’s a     for the rest of your life. This is
                                                                                                  You may well feel inferior to      Feel insecure in the knowledge        society out there with your           testament to the strength of
          LUKE ROBERTS gently                                                                  people around you. Identify
                                                                                               your own strong areas and
                                                                                                                                     that you are attractive, because
                                                                                                                                     it means you’re not.
                                                                                                                                                                           name on it. Possibly literally.
                                                                                                                                                                              People will have warned you
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 many friendships made here,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 but it must be admitted that,
                                                                                               other people’s weak areas, and           Stop worrying about being          about signing up for mailing          statistically, it is partly due to
          eases the Freshers in.                                                               play it like Top Trumps. The
                                                                                               Chancellor (Prince Philip) is
                                                                                                                                     attractive and do some work. If
                                                                                                                                     you’re studying Mathematics,
                                                                                                                                                                           lists, saying they signed up for
                                                                                                                                                                           too many societies at the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Cambridge University’s high
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 suicide rate.

EXCLUSIVE: ‘Fresher’ from the frontline quizzes Freshers’ Fair Great and Good
          From:                                                                                                                          From:
          Sent: 04 October 2005 20:20                                                                   “I’m afraid I missed the                             Sent: 04 October 2005 20:20

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Oliver Cragg
          To: chairman@union                                                                                                                                 To:
          Subject: Membership?                                                                            fresher’s fair because                             Subject: Freshers' Squash?       “Is this the
                                                    From: Jennifer Scott
          Hi,                                       Sent: 05 Oct 2005 07:43:23                                  I got a disease”                             Hello!                           done thing?”
              I missed the Freshers’ fair           To:                                                                                      I'm afraid I missed the
          because of some appoint-                  Subject: re: Membership?           From:                                             fresher's fair because I got
          ments I couldn’t legitimately                                                Sent: 04 October 2005 20:56                                           a disease. I'm so upset
          miss, but was quite interested            Dear Oliver,                       To: president@adc                                                     about it!!! I'm really keen to   From: Laurie Fitzjohn-Sykes
          in the Union so thought I’d try                                              Subject: Membership?                                                  get some information on the      Sent: Wed, 5 Oct 2005 11:36
          and get in touch. Hope this is               Check out our website to                                        From: Benjamin Deery                  Conservative Association.        To:
          ok? I don’t know if it’s the done         see what's going on this           Hello!!!                        Sent: Wed, 5 Oct 2005 02:14               Do you have a squash         Subject: re: Freshers'
          thing?                                    term:      www.cambridge-             I missed the Freshers’       To:               sometime I heard you had a       Squash?
              It’s a lot of money to join, so                          Fair… because I was too         Subject: re: Membership?              hot girl flyering in a bikini
          i want to make sure joining                  We generally host the box-      busy acting! (That’s not                                              top with union jacks on it!!     Hi,
          would be right for me. How fre-           ing, but don't organise it - i'm   true, but I do love to act!)    Hey Oli,                                  I'm soooo cross I wasn't        Sorry you missed it, I hope
          quent are your speakers? Do               not sure of the CU boxing             My friend went and               Thanks for getting in touch!      there!! How many women           you feel better. You also
          they just speak, or do they               clubs address.                     showed me the email             It's great to hear that you're        are there in the CUCA? Will      missed out remote control
          sometimes show off their tal-                There's a freshers debate       address, so I’m emailing to     interested in getting involved.       I meet a lot if I join? What     blimp which we were flying
          ents a bit? Would I enjoy your            on Thurs at 8pm (be there at       find out what I should do to        I'm afraid though that            was that girl's name?            around and crashing into the
          speakers this term? I'm liberal           7.30), a bop on Fri (9pm) and      act in Cambridge? I under-      you've been slightly misin-               My parents are both          Labour stand!
          leaning and like Popstars, I              a squash on wed 12th (7pm).        stand there’s all the           formed - we are in fact audi-         Conservative and I guess I          Most of CUCA supports
          guess.                                    Take your pick!                    actresses’ auditions this       tioning actors of any gender          am too. What do you think        Ken Clarke, so glad you do
              I also understand you do                 Also, £85 for life works out    weekend, so when are you        (though I assume there are            are the CUCA's best poli-        too. Our squash is Monday
          boxing every now and then!! I             about 80p a week whilst at         auditioning for men?            only two) this weekend for our        cies? I think it's daft not to   10th 7pm in the Bateman room
          tried to get boxing back in my            cam on a 3 year degree, and           I think you should maybe     Freshers’ Show: information           elect Ken Clarke.                Cauis college, so come along
          school but couldn't. I think it's         just look at all you get for       have put them all on the        about the Freshers’ Shows                 Oh! I know I'm playing       and you can discuss all the
          really great to have boxing,              that!                              same weekend - but I can        can be found here...                  devil's advocate, but what       policies as much as you like.
          expecially now the government                                                see your point. I was the           In addition, I include below      do you thin kare the conser-        Personally with both my par-
          have forced hitting out of the              Jen                              best actor in my school,        tonights actors list, which           vative's *worst* policies?       ents in the NHS I don't think
          home and the schoolyard.                                                     but I don’t know if I will be   includes not only info about              Because I know Labour        much of Labour’s NHS poli-
              Maybe you have a squash or                                               here. Is the best actor the     the Freshers' show auditions,         have some really good ones       cies. I think the patients pass-
          something i can come along                                                   Actors’      Rep    or    the   but all the auditions which are       (like the NHS) so you must       port is the only way to deliver
          to? Let me know please.                                                      President?                      taking place this weekend.            fall down on that one.           significant improvements in the
                                                                                          But I’m really keen to get       Finally, I've cc-ed this e-mail       Sorry for rambling, look     NHS.
                                Oliver Cragg                                           into this term’s play.          to our actors reps Charlie and        forward to hearing from             I look forward to seeing you
                                                           “Is the                     PLEASE! Let me know             Sarah, so please do feel free to      you,                             at the squash on Monday.
                                                                                       what I should do!               make contact with them if you
                                                       best actor                                                      have any further questions.             Oliver Cragg                      Laurie
                                                                                         Thank you so much,
                                                  the Actors’ Rep                                                        Thanks,
                                                                                         Oli                             Ben.
                                               or the President?”                                                                                            “Will I meet lots of girls
                                                                                                                                                             if I join?”
12 Varsity Features 07.10.05
                                 buyer’s guide: sparkling wine
          an, “I’m sorry, Jasper,” I
          said. “I know it must be
          embarrassing for you, but                 #####
I happen to like this bad set. I like               Ridgeview Merret
getting drunk at luncheon, and                      Bloomsbury 2002
though I haven’t yet spent quite                    Waitrose                           The Varsity Restaurant - review by Anthony Marlowe
double my allowance, I undoubt-                     £ 15.95

edly shall before the end of term. I                Winner of World Wide Trophy                hain restaurants exist for a    er well.                                we asked a waitress, who
usually have a glass of champagne                   for Best Sparkling Wine at the             reason: consistency. You           Others had the rather uninter-       responded with a scowl, stomping
about this time. will you join me?”.
   With      this       quote
Brideshead Revisited firmly
                                from          £16   International Wine and Spirit
                                                    Competition 2005, this British
                                                    bubbly has been hailed as
                                                                                               know what you're going to
                                                                                       get, even if it's not going to be
                                                                                       that good. They typically offer
                                                                                                                               esting looking sirloin steak, a
                                                                                                                               choice generally agreed to be a
                                                                                                                               good, if not great one. Prices were
                                                                                                                                                                       off whilst muttering what were
                                                                                                                                                                       presumably Greek swear-words
                                                                                                                                                                       under her breath.
embedded in some people’s view                      as“England’s answer to             better value for money, as their        reasonable, although the restau-           Being British, we were at a loss
of Oxbridge life, it is no wonder that              Champagne” by the Sunday           overall costs become lower than         rant appeared to be compensating        what to do. If only we’d had an
the average Cambridge student                       Times Wine Club. Relatively        independent restaurants’. But           for this by making drinks rather        American ally, or someone simi-
blushes slightly on admitting to our                cheap too, it is well worth a      that, of course, is not always the      expensive.                              larly well-versed in complaining.

university of choice! On the other                  try.                               case.                                      Yet, I will never go back. A         Eventually, and to our great relief,
hand, we do seem to get a good                                                            However, it is possible to give a    restaurant is far more that its food    a manager arrived. While we were
number of opportunities to drink                                                       restaurant like Nando’s a good          and prices, and a case can be           anticipating a swift rectification,
bubbly, particularly in Fresher’s                                                      review, because it delivers on its      made that the most important            he insisted we must have forgot-

week, so a little background might                                                     promises: roasted chicken, hot                                                  ten to order the steak (not true),
help.                                                                                  sauce and a low bill. Just down                                                 and informed us that it would be
   Champagne comes from                             Jansz Brut NV                      the road, however, is a different                                               at least twenty minutes until our
France’s most Northerly wine                        Around £8                          matter.                                                                         friend received his steak, as the
growing region, an area where                       Cambridge Wine                        Greek food does not have the                                                 kitchen was busy. He too scowled,
grapes struggle to ripen and any                    Merchants, Oddbins                 best reputation in culinary circles.    WHEN I SAY BAD, I                       offering a bowl of olives to keep
still wine produced tastes like
concentrated lemon juice.
Fortunately, a monk named Dom
                                         £8         Sadly we need an excuse to
                                                    drink Champagne but at
                                                    around £8 per bottle we can
                                                                                       England’s primary gastronomic
                                                                                       relationship with our Hellenic
                                                                                       counterparts seems rooted in the
                                                                                                                               MEAN COLIN FAR-
                                                                                                                               RELL IN ALEXANDER
                                                                                                                                                                       our friend busy while the rest
                                                                                                                                                                       were eating. One forgotten dish is
                                                                                                                                                                       no reason to blackball a restau-
Perignon came to the rescue                         probably get away with this one    ‘nibbles’ aspect of dining. While       BAD                                     rant. But in Varsity’s case, it is

around 1700. The aforemen-                          more regularly. Produced in        Taramasalata, humous and feta                                                   indicative of the consistently
tioned monk spent his life investi-                 Tasmania, this rich, fruity bub-   have good credentials, they do                                                  unfriendly, unprofessional service
gating why bottles from                             bly has been known to beat         not in themselves make for a                                                    on offer, which killed with clinical
Champagne (not a sparkling                          more expensive Champagnes          high-quality menu. Greek food                                                   precision any atmosphere that
wine at this time) were in the habit                when tasted blind.                 itself can of course be excellent - t      characteristic of a good restau-     might have been permitted
of exploding. He traced it to yeast                                                    Britain's relationship with it just     rant is its service. A restaurant          The feeling when presented
left in the wine which caused a                                                        seems rather stunted.                   with mediocre food can make its         with the (now rather large) bill

second fermentation in the bottle                                                         It was, then, with high hopes        patrons leave having had an             was: don't eat at Varsity, it's more
(the process which now gives the                                                       that I visited the Varsity              enjoyable time, if allowed to feel      hassle that it's worth.
fizz). Stronger bottles that could                  Moscato del Piemonte               Restaurant. It has a reputation as      relaxed and never having to wait
hold the pressure were intro-                       Gemma                              one of a few ideal student restau-      too long for orders. But nothing        In a Nutshell
duced. The Dom also started                         £4.29                              rants. Supposedly, it offers consis-    short of food poisoning is worse        Open: 12-2.30 and 5.30-10.45,
‘degorgement’ to remove the
traces of yeast. This involves
gradually inverting the bottle so
                                              £4    Oddbins
                                                    Many people find Champagne
                                                    too tart so why not try this
                                                                                       tently good-quality food and
                                                                                       atmosphere, with a bill just about
                                                                                       affordable for celebrations, or rea-
                                                                                                                               than bad service.
                                                                                                                                  Here I would like to add that
                                                                                                                               when I say bad, I mean Colin
                                                                                                                                                                       All day on Weekends
                                                                                                                                                                       Contact: 01223 356060
                                                                                                                                                                       Price: around £34 for two people,
sediment gathers in the neck.                       moderately sweet and delicate-     sonable for when the parents            Farrell in Alexander bad: awful. It's   two courses without booze
This is removed as a plug of ice                    ly sparkling wine from Italy? At   come down to take their beloved         forgivable when food is delayed,        Food highlight: the lamb dishes
by freezing the neck in brine and                   5% alcohol, you needn’t worry      to dinner. Varsity, however,            even forgivable when some food is       in general. Fillet steak also well
opening the bottle. Once this is                    about getting drunk at lunch-      unlike Nando's or McDonalds,            forgotten, so long as apologies are     done and reasonably priced.
done, all that remains is to add                    eon either!                        doesn't deliver on its promises.        made and the mistake promptly           Wine: nothing special, house
the dosage (sugar to sweeten the                                                          Generally, the food wasn’t bad.      corrected. But Varsity Restaurant’s     drinkable but that’s about it.
wine) and to re-cork the bottle!                     Lionel Nierop & Wendy Tsang       The starters were boring, but tasty     service was consistently bad. Out
                                                                        Man Pun        enough. I had an extremely good         of seven orders, one main course        Ratings
                                                                                       main course of confit lamb,             was forgotten, with no apology,         Food 6/10
                                                                                       which, when accompanied by              nor explanation offered. Fearing        Value 4/10
                                                                                       classic Greek herbs, came togeth-       the food simply would not arrive,       Atmosphere 2/10
                                                                                                                                                                                                07.10.05 Features Varsity 13

BENJ OHAD SEIDLER meets KIM JONES, the man who made Topman cool again
       here is nothing unusual            which is really nice. People are        way can allow for plays on propor-        case. I don’t think you should dis-       was so disposable when it got to

T      about the appearance of the
       man who introduces himself
to me as Kim Jones. The designer
                                          really self motivated and it’s really
                                          exciting to see that energy there.”
                                             It was after a very successful
                                                                                  tion that challenge buyers. He
                                                                                  points out a wearable pair of sweat
                                                                                  pants and juxtaposes it with an
                                                                                                                            miss anything.”
                                                                                                                                Jones’s all-encompassing mind-
                                                                                                                            set does not apply, however, to the
                                                                                                                                                                      the store, but I can see people still
                                                                                                                                                                      wearing it and it still looks good.”
                                                                                                                                                                      Topman is affordable and ubiqui-
behind the success of Topman, Kim         graduate menswear show at               awe-inspiring cropped hoodie. The         ‘council estate chic’ label he gar-       tous yet profoundly creative. It is,
Jones Menswear and, most recent-          Central St. Martins that Jones was      trousers will sell, but it is the hood-   nered while designing for Topman.         perhaps, the ultimate fashion pop
ly, Umbro by Kim Jones, is an             offered a series of consultancies       ie that will make the look.               “I don’t like that term at all,” he       art. Jones does not care if that
average bloke tucked comfortably          designing for other companies. It          When asked anything remotely           protests, “I think it’s because I’m       stripy Topman sweater that can be
into a baby blue Ralph Lauren             was at the behest of his fashionista    philosophical about the dogma of          British and the guys I use to model       found in every Cambridge boy’s
hoodie and an old pair of jeans.          friends (like Dazed and Confused’s      fashion, Jones shows his mortal           that people use that term. I think        wardrobe is treasured as a Kim
   But then he speaks, and I realise      Nicola Formichetti) that he was         side. Fashion and art - what’s the        that’s only ever mentioned in             Jones creation, “if people buy it just

that Kim Jones is about as average        finally convinced to start his own      connection? Is fashion an art form?       British press and it’s poor journal-      because they really like it then that
as the Bowery stage costumes dec-         label. His ethos is that clothes must   Do the clothes mean anything? “I          ism to give a label like that.”           means its good.” Hedi Slimane’s
orating the living room of his plush      be wearable and look commercial         don’t know. I get a bit lost on things        The designer acknowledges that        work for Dior is cool because it’s
Maida Vale apartment. His words           in the showroom, but that the run-      like that. It’s really hard to explain    the main obstacle in men’s fashion        Dior, and has Pete Doherty and the
drone like monastic chanting, and I                                               sometimes because to me every-            is the idea of fashion itself, “I don’t   eternal rock stars as its face. Kim
feel like I am at the altar of the high                                           thing’s so visual. I don’t get time to    know but there’s an association           Jones design is more anonymous
priest of menswear. I am handed                                                   analyse what I’m doing. I reference       made that when you put men on             and so much more desirable, or at
the book (his autumn-winter                                                       a lot of things, as everyone does,        the catwalk it looks gay.” So Kim         least approachable, for that reason.
book) and listen to the gospel                                                    but I take the things I love, pull        Jones the missionary is trying to            After a quick photo shoot on his
according to Kim.                         CLOTHES ARE                             them together and mix them up.            make all men relate to his work by        roof terrace, I walk back through
   “I was born in London and grew         THE MOST                                What’s in my head just comes out.”        addressing the models first, “there       the apartment. I step on the “three

up all over the world, in Africa,
South America and the Caribbean.
                                          DISPOSABLE                                 Talk of Jeff Koons and Andy
                                                                                  Warhol weaves through our con-
                                                                                                                            have been loads of skinny models
                                                                                                                            and realistically not everyone’s
                                                                                                                                                                      hundred year old carpets from
                                                                                                                                                                      Kazakhstan” and past a woolly
I came back to England when I was         PART OF                                 versation and the idea of the facto-      really skinny. I think you have to        jumper that once belonged to Sid
sixteen and did my A-Levels. I later      IT ALL                                  ry and the spectacle loom high in         be approachable. If you look at           Vicious and his words chime like
went to Camberwell School of Art                                                  Jones’s work, which he says him-          these guys, they’re obviously in          bells in my ear, “I just love beauti-
to study graphic design, which I                                                  self owes a lot to pop art. “When         good shape, but many men will             ful things.” It takes a glance at a
really didn’t enjoy. It was just so                                               you start out, I don’t think clothes      still think ‘I could wear that,’          photograph of a man holding an
boring. There were a lot of middle-                                               are the most important part               because they see that shape would         unusually large fish on my way out
aged women who were recently                                                      because now it’s about creating an        flatter them like it flatters the mod-    to remind me that Kim Jones’s
divorced and did the course to dis-                                               image. I think about the bigger           els.”                                     beauty is not always ‘normal’, but
cover themselves. It felt like a craft                                            scale of things. I work backwards,            Simply looking at the spectrum        therein lies his particular gift : con-
fair.”                                                                            beginning by thinking how I want          of stripy sweaters you see in the         verting the extraordinary into the
   “I was always into fashion, via                                                to show the collection,” the design-      streets these days, one can notice        real and the relevant.
the magazines. I was twelve when                                                  er explains. It’s not about being         how men have accepted bold
I started reading The Face and i-D.                                               more of a stylist than a designer, its    colour in a big way in the past few       Kim Jones is available at Browns
I decided to do an MA in                                                          about being a different breed of          years. His collection may have got-       and Harrods in London. More
menswear, and went to St. Martins                                                 designer to the one that sweats and       ten him press in i-D, but his work        information     available     on
with a sketchbook I did in two                                                    bleeds over a pattern at two in the       for Topman made his clothes rele-
weeks. I did the interview and got                                                morning, every morning. He spec-          vant to the high street. “I loved
in. I felt like I was finally doing the                                           ulates, “I was not really trained in      doing Topman,” he says, “they let         Clockwise from left: Kim Jones, Umbro
right thing. You know when some-                                                  making clothes and that’s good            me do what I want. With Topman            by Kim Jones Spring 2006, Kim Jones
thing just clicks into place? It was                                              because it makes you freer. But           I did things that I would never do        Spring 2006, Kim Jones Winter 2005
like that. I even teach there now,                                                you have to look at things case by        with my own collection because it

                                                   our man
                                               in the pulpit
      here is an idea of an               is rumoured to have lifted                 And now to the unfortunate

T     “Oxford Secret”: a piece
      of gossip that you can
only tell one person at a time.
                                          major chunks of a student's
                                          essay, publishing them in what
                                          another of his charges terms a
                                                                                  gaucherie of a famous ex-
                                                                                  King’s student booker-nominee
                                                                                  ( who shall remain nameless).
Then there is the idea of the             'totally rubbish' book? The pla-        Her inimitable, rolling display
“Cambridge secret”: so pre-               giarised student kept from kick-        of “malodorous bohemianism”
cious that it may not be told in          ing up a fuss for fear of jeopar-       - as the Guardian dubbed her
a College Bar or canteen, but             dising their future academic            proclivities last year- is alleged

must be bandied at will in           a      (familiar)       to have reached new heights
one’s own room. Or indeed, in             American Ivy League universi-           recently with one of Ely’s own
this column. Such is the main             ty.                                     acolytes, and later repairing to
premise of The Bishop of Ely.                                                     another space, a spliff was
                                                                                  apparently rolled. It was passed
                                                                                  around a number of revellers,
   Shame on the two law stu-                                                      before coming to rest in the lap
dents disallowed from college                                                     of our multiculturalist heroine.
property after telling a femi-                                                    She proclaimed (with a laconic
nist female fellow that she was            Which famous                           turn of phrase sadly missed in
'fit' while out celebrating the
end of exams last term. A year
                                           fellow with high-                      her recently lauded novels):
                                                                                  “I’ve got to be up early tomor-
spent buried in the books was-             level influence at                     row; better get to bed,” and
n’t totally for nothing, though
- one threatened to ‘sue
                                           an Ivy league                          promptly smoked the final two
                                                                                  thirds of the joint in a frenzied
Varsity within an inch of [our]            university lifted                      succession of avid mini-puffs.
                                           major chunks of
lives’ if we mentioned his
smutty misdemeanour.

  Which famous fellow with
high-level influence at an
                                           a student’s
                                                                                  This is not the way in which a
                                                                                  supposed flaneur well versed in
                                                                                  bohemian practice should legit-
                                                                                  imately be allowed to behave.
                                                                                  1920s Berliners would have at
                                                                                  least used a monkey.
American Ivy league university
14 Varsity Features 07.10.05
                                   PLAIN MEAN

Turning on my computer
brings up a screen saying
‘Windows Me’. Is this some
kind of self diagnosis?
No. ‘Me’ is an edition of the
Microsoft Windows operat-
ing system. What do you            BITCHY
mean by self-diagnosis?

It seems to be suffering
from a debilitating illness
that means doing even
everyday tasks like open-          BLUNT
ing a window can be a
struggle. It didn’t used to
be like this.
Windows Me, like all
Microsoft operating systems,       NICE
is prone to infection from
spyware. Even Windows XP    ,
Microsoft’s latest release,
can be crippled within a few       LOVELY
hours of internet use if pre-
cautions are not taken.

Hmm… spyware, the inter-
net, Microsoft. I sense a
conspiracy theory coming
on; it involves the CIA and
a covert operation to infil-
trate     my      Cambridge
Assassins cell.
Not exactly. Spyware is
installed on your computer
whilst you browse the inter-       With her blunt portrayals of interviewees, the Observer’s LYNN BARBER
net or install (supposedly)
free software. It sits on your     makes no compromises. EMILY STOKES turns the tables over tea
computer monitoring the
websites you visit, sending

                                         ynn Barber lives on a quiet                   thinks people mostly use it to          gives a difficult interview, she        crashing bore’ and she thinks
information back to its cre-             road in North London in a                     manipulate interviewers: ‘They          says, ‘I feel at the end of it that     that Jim Naughtie of the Today
ators. They use this to target           large Victorian house with a                  never say, ‘off the record I’ve         was worth doing, whereas with           Programme talks too much.
adverts at you, often making       pink hallway, a yellow living                       murdered my wife’, they say ‘off        an actor I just think ‘bugger               I become aware that I am
them pop up when you               room, a cat and an excess of                        the record I’ve given millions of       you.’’ She describes an interview       rather ponderous and prone to
browse to certain pages.           books on her coffee table.                          pounds to charity.’                     with John Thaw that went so             pausing before asking my next
                                       On the top of that pile is                          She, more than most newspa-         badly that she couldn’t write it        question – usually for fear of
But surely they want me to         Richard and Judy’s new book on                      per interviewers, is unafraid of        up: ‘It really was just ‘yes-no-        interrupting my interviewee.
actually be able to use my         wine; she is interviewing them                      making herself a part of the sub-       yes-no-yes-no,’ she says, rolling       Lynn Barber, on the other hand,
computer in the first place,       tomorrow. She has done before,                      ject of the interview, although         her eyes.                               fills every moment with words: ‘I
otherwise how will they            three years ago, and heard after-                   she doesn’t like the idea of that:                                              don’t believe in silence. I believe
find out what sites I visit?

                                   wards that ‘they were furiously                     ‘It makes it sound as though the               he interviewer is set on         in every minute counting.’ In
Very insightful - that is          upset because I had said some-                      interview is about me. I just                  being a good interviewee         any silence lasting longer than
indeed the spyware paradox.        thing about Richard’s slightly                      want it to convey the transaction              for me today, and is well        three seconds, she will seize the
The problem is one of critical     spivvy appearance. So I got word                    between us and therefore the            aware of the pleasure I am taking       initiative and ask me a question:
mass. If there were only one       back that I was never to inter-                     ‘me’ has to be a real person, not       in her indiscretions. Almost            ‘So who have you interviewed so
piece of spyware on a com-         view them again’. She thinks                        just a generalised person.’ She         involuntarily now, she seems to         far?’ she chirps.
puter, it would probably           they must have either forgotten                     likes the idea of a fair business-      be rifling through her mental               Part of Barber’s talent is her
function fairly normally, but      who she is or forgiven her. Either                  like ‘transaction’ in an interview:     database of past interviews to          confidence in being able to inter-
because there are so many          way, she will not be moved by                       ‘They’re trying to plug their book      find a good anecdote. She waves         view anyone, and, more often
pieces that exploit the same       any of Richard’s complaints.                        or film, I’m trying to learn some-      her cigarette in excitement:            than not, her editor decides who
security holes it is very rare         Lynn Barber’s speaking voice                    thing about their character.’           ‘Ooh! I’ll tell you something           she interviews: ‘Certainly now,
just to find one on its own.       is unmistakeably upper-middle-                          Lynn quickly dismisses the          that’s a really good exclusive.         when I’m so much older than
                                   class. Her well-spoken eloquence                    idea that her less favourable por-      You know I did a very good              the Observer’s readership, I need
Right. So how are we               should not be confused with                         trayals might somehow consti-           interview      with      Marianne       someone else to say who the
going to get some double-          haughtiness, however, since her                     tute a personal betrayal of the         Faithfull. Did you read that one?       readers will be interested in . I
agent action going on?             manner is immediately warm,                         interviewee. ‘Lots of people ask        That’s one I’m really pleased           quite like the idea of just being
There are three steps to           and genial. She isn’t mumsy                         this question – it does seem            with. She was a monster.’ (I nod;       pointed at someone and getting
keeping your computer spy-         (although a mother of two), but                     weird to me. Of course it’s not a       the interview in question fea-          on with it.’ The result of this is
ware free. First, keep             instead rather girlish, and she has                 betrayal because if I meet some-        tured a description of a photo          occasionally hilarious; the inter-
Windows up-to-date by              a tendency to giggle at what she                    one for the first time, they’re not     shoot with David Bailey in which        view with DJ Goldie is mainly
using Windows Update. Go           is about to say before she has said                 my dearest friend.’ Lynn Barber         Marianne ‘is sprawling with her         focused around her initial ‘com-
to Start > All Programs and        it.                                                 likes interviewing celebrities –        legs wide apart, her black satin        plete incomprehension’ at his
looking at the top of the list.        Her giggle is very infectious,                  ‘media-hardened people, who             crotch glinting between her             ‘ghetto’ language.
The second is to install some      and I cannot help myself laugh-                     are used to doing zillions of inter-    scrawny 55-year-old thighs,                 But ultimately Lynn Barber’s
anti spyware programs like         ing at the story about Richard                      views’ – because she feels she can      doing sex kitten mews at the            project is to write, and so the
Ad-Aware or Microsoft’s            and Judy, but she seems more                        ask them whatever she likes,            camera.’)                               more difficult or strange the
AntiSpyware program. The           exasperated. I also titter when                     without any sense of guilt,                Barber explains that she             interview, the better. She has
third, and perhaps most cru-       Lynn tells me her reaction to                       whereas she feels that “‘real peo-      recently met an interviewer from        written a short piece for Granta,
cial step, is to install Mozilla   Helena Bonham Carter’s outrage                      ple’ might not have the courage         the Irish Independent who had           ‘An Education,’ which is about to

That sounds vaguely bar-
Quite the opposite in fact. It
is a free web browser made
                                   when the journalist famously
                                   commented on her moustache:
                                   ‘The piece was three thousand
                                   words saying ‘she’s lovely, she’s
                                   gorgeous,’ and then she gets
                                   upset about something like that!’
                                                                         ”             to say ‘I’m not telling you.’”
                                                                                           And she frequently does ask
                                                                                       them whatever she likes: she
                                                                                       became an ‘unembarrassed inter-
                                                                                       viewer’, she says, at her first job
                                                                                       at Penthouse magazine doing an
                                                                                                                               just interviewed Marianne
                                                                                                                               Faithfull himself. ‘Well, this
                                                                                                                               interviewer said to Marianne
                                                                                                                               Faithful, ‘You and Lynn Barber
                                                                                                                               didn’t get on, did you?’ and
                                                                                                                               apparently Marianne Faithfull
                                                                                                                                                                       be made into a film by Nick
                                                                                                                                                                       Hornby, and, she says, ‘I’m
                                                                                                                                                                       meant to be writing more of a
                                                                                                                                                                       sort of memoir, but I must say I
                                                                                                                                                                       haven’t made much progress.
                                                                                                                                                                       I’m terribly lazy apart from any-
by an online community of          Lynn Barber goes on, as if excus-                   interviews column about ‘trans-         said, ‘No, because she asked me if      thing else.’
programmers who decided            ing herself further: ‘I mean, she’s                 vestites and transsexuals and           it was true that I had ever fucked           Really what I do is interviews
that Internet Explorer and         like Frida Kahlo or something.                      gays (you know, when it was still       a dog.’’ Lynn Barber leaves a           because it gives me something to
Microsoft’s monopoly had to        She’s just a hairy woman.’                          illegal to be gay) and prostitutes –    pause for dramatic effect. ‘I           write,’ she says. I suspect that at
be stopped. Not only is it
almost immune to spyware it
                                       When she began writing for        IT’S          that sort of thing.’                    mean, that is a real lie, it’s a bla-   times her need to write a good
                                   the Independent in 1990, Lynn                           Today, she still likes a chal-      tant lie and I said that if to the      story might, at times, add fiction-
is also far more advanced
than Internet Explorer. I
                                   Barber became known as                RIDICULOUS,   lenge. ‘People I get on well with       newspaper that if they ever print       al elements to her interviews. I
                                   ‘Demon Barber’ or ‘Hatchet                          are irascible, difficult, shouty,       that, I would be happy to sue for       begin to wonder whether I have
could go on for hours about
its brilliant features.
                                   Woman’ . It’s not that she simply     ANY           bad-tempered people. Between            libel.’                                 turned her into a fictional char-
                                   enjoys writing about how awful                      ourselves, I think it’s because my         Lynn Barber is certainly giving      acter by writing her down;

I think I’ll visit the website.
                                   someone is (although i suspect        CRAPPY        father’s like that.’ She has inter-     me an easy ride, but I cannot           despite her being a central char-
                                   she does takes a little pleasure in                 viewed hundreds of visual artists,      help but feel that I am stumbling       acter in her own interviews, I’m
Good idea. Try:
                                   it), it’s rather that she writes      LITTLE        and is now friends with Tracey          through this interview in a way         not sure how much she’ll like
                                   about the things that most inter-                   Emin, who took her around the           that doesn’t impress her very           other people’s versions of her. and              viewers wouldn’t touch.               ACTOR CAN     Venice Biennale (she has, wrote         much. I am more conscious of            And unfortunately for me, there

                                       For Lynn Barber, the way that
                                   someone behaves during a photo
                                   shoot, or how much they tip the
                                   waiter at lunch, is often more
                                   important than what they say
                                   about their new film or painting.
                                                                         GET AN
                                                                                       Lynn Barber, ‘a truffle nose for
                                                                                       parties.’) ‘I feel very strongly that
                                                                                       artists are under-interviewed
                                                                                       compared with other people. I
                                                                                       mean it seems absolutely ridicu-
                                                                                       lous to me that any crappy little
                                                                                                                               my style of interviewing than I
                                                                                                                               have ever been, despite trying to
                                                                                                                               persuade myself that this is just
                                                                                                                               an informal chat ‘to get some
                                                                                                                               advice on a career in journalism’.
                                                                                                                               Barber is harsh when judging
                                                                                                                                                                       is something terribly attractive
                                                                                                                                                                       about her that makes you want
                                                                                                                                                                       her to like you. A few days later I
                                                                                                                                                                       receive an email from her that
                                                                                                                                                                       makes me feel a little nervous: ‘If
                                                                                                                                                                       you write something about me
                                   She doesn’t believe in things                       actor can get an interview.             other interviewers’ styles; she         for Varsity, please let me see it -
                                   being ‘off the record’ because she                  They’re so boring!’ If an artist        once called Michael Parkinson ‘a        no screams of rage, I promise.’
                                                                                                                           07.10.05 Features Varsity 15

                                                                                                    02. Skincare for beginners
                                                                                                    Step One: You are what you eat.        Step Five: Regime to challenge
                                                                                                    Without meaning to sound like          Mao Press a hot cloth to your face
                                                                                                    that irksome woman who loves           to stimulate blood vessels, open
                                                                                                    poo, it’s true. Eat five portions of   pores and encourage trapped
                                                                                                    fruit and veg a day, especially        vapours of Apple VK to surface.
                                                                                                    those bursting with antioxidants.      Apply a cleanser to…cleanse. Do
                                                                                                    Blueberries, strawberries and          your research; find one that’s stal-
                                                                                                    leafy greens will all do. It’ll help   wart, but gentle enough so it
                                                                                                    cellular regeneration and fight free   doesn’t do a nutty and breakout in
                                                                                                    radical damage, leaving skin so        compensation to its abuse.
                                                                                                    radiant your girlfriends could bask    Toning rebalances the skin’s pH,
                                                                                                    in its glow.                           allowing moisturiser to work in its
                                                                                                       Drink two litres of water a day     optimum environment. The best
                                                                                                    for superior cellular metabolism,      toners are Clarins, Decleor or
                                                                                                    with the added bonus of keeping        Sisley; alcohol free and smell like a
                                                                                                    you awake in lectures because          pleasant meander through Kew
                                                                                                    you’ll really need to pee.

                                                                                                    Step Two: Find your HGP
                                                                                                    Jennifer Aniston was born worth
                                                                                                    it. Most mortals do need a little
                                                                                                    assistance beyond soap and
                                                                                                    water. Although spending hun-
                                                                                                    dreds on products may make you
                                                                                                    feel like a child at a present-
                                                                                                    receiving function, much better to
                                                                                                    spend smartly on fewer Holy Grail

                                                                                                    Step Three: Use the range
                                                                                                    It’ll take time to find your range,    Gardens since they are derived
                                                                                                    but once you have done, try not to     from plant extracts. Perhaps more
                                                                                                    mix products. They often work          suited to student budgets, Boots’
                                                                                                    differently: some teen ranges (e.g.    Botanics range has a similar
                                                                                                    Clearasil) use chemicals (salicylic    ethos, and does the job very well
                                                                                                    acid or benzoyl peroxide) to fight     indeed. Moisturiser seals your
                                                                                                    breakouts, whereas Decleor uses        skin, protecting it from pollution
                                                                                                    natural plant extracts only. The       and sun. It will rehydrate and
                                                                                                    two aren’t compatible and will         smoothe skin, until supple and
                                                                                                    work against each other.               generally baby-bottom-like.

                                                                                                    Step Three: Invest, invest, invest     Step Six: Always, always
                                                                                                    A simple cost analysis: 20 new         remove make-up.
                                                                                                    products a month that don’t work       Facial wipes by Simple are good
                                                                                                    or a few, slightly more expensive      for a budget (£2.71, Boots), effec-
                                                                                                    ones that do. Inspired.                tive and can even be used after a
                                                                                                                                           particularly heavy Cindies. Follow
                                                                                                    Step Four: Ask for samples             these simple steps you too can be
                                                                                                    Try out a range before committing.     really, really ridiculously good
                                                                                                    The counter girl is slipping them      looking.
                                                                                                    into her handbag at the end of the
                                                                                                    day too; I’m sure she’d be happy
                                                                                                    to distribute some love.                                  Charlotte Tan

                                                                                                                                                 quick recipe

                                                                                                    Toasted goats cheese & crisp bacon salad with
                                                                                                    fresh figs & walnuts
                                                                                                    With Autumn approaching, try creating this exciting seasonal salad
                                                                                                    that serves two.

                                                                                                     Ingredients                             Instructions
                                                                                                    2 fresh figs (Market square, 5         Salad
                                                                                                    or £1)                                 1-7 mins - Chop bacon into
                                                                                                    90g Goats Cheese (Sainsburys           strips; fry in oil until crispy.
                                                                                                    Deli Counter)                          7-8 mins - Place salad leaves
                                                                                                    4 rashers smoked bacon                 in bowl & toss with dressing.

This Soviet Salute
                                                                                                    Honey dressing (buy this pre-          8-12 mins - Grill cheese until it
                                                                                                    made or see below)                     begins to melt.
                                                                                                    1 bag of salad leaves                  12-13 mins - Chop figs into
                                                                                                    Small handful of walnuts,              quarters.
                                                                                                    chopped coarsely                       13-15 minutes Place salad
                                                                                                    2 tsp oil                              onto a plate, scatter walnuts &
                                                                                                                                           bacon. Place cheese & 4 fig
                                                                                                     You will need                         quarters on top.
                                                                                                    1 knife
                                                                                                    Frying pan                             Honey Dressing

                                                    Was styled and photographed by Quentin Jones.
                                                                                                                                           1tbsp balsamic vinegar
                                                                                                    Large Bowl                             3tbsp Olive oil
                                                                                                                                           1/2 tsp mustard
                                                                                                     Serve with                            1 tsp honey

    Jenna braves the elements in a coat (£85) and tie (£7) from Rokit and a blouse (£30) from
                                                                                                    A fresh baguette                       Whisk together all ingredients

Topshop. Jackson dares to wear a fur hat (£50) and shirt (£35) from Episode and a Burberry mac.
                                                                                                                                                             Lionel Nierop
16 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05
                                                                                                                                                                              07.10.05 Comment Varsity 17


                                  My Summer of Sudoku

                                                                                                                                                                                               Professor William
                                                                                                                                                                                               ‘Twink’ Allen

                                                                                                                                                                                                         ith a mixture of petty
                                                                                                                                                                                                         vindictiveness and
                                                                                                                                                           Mary Bowers                                   political timidity,
                                                                                                                                                                                               Caroline Flint MP, the political
                                                                                                                                                                                               boss of the Animals (Scientific

           elcome back,                                                                                                                                         clock ready for your 5am       Procedures) Inspectorate of the
           industrious stu-                                                                                                                                     shower?                        Home Office, has finally banned
           dents of                                                                                                                                                Not I: I fully intend to    the University’s Equine Fertility
Cambridge! Welcome                                                                                                                                              continue my summer-            Unit from attempting to clone
back from digging wells                                                                                                                                         regime-of-slack by com-        horses by nuclear transfer.
of fresh water for a small                                                                                                                                      pleting the easy Times            This was after three years of
Thai community, planting                                                                                                                                        Sudoku every day (one          constant applying, appealing
trees to prevent soil ero-                                                                                                                                      day I shall reach my           and re-applying, during which
sion wiping out a small                                                                                                                                         zenith by completing the       Dr Xihe Li, senior embryologist
Peruvian village and sav-                                                                                                                                       fiendish one. And I’ll         at the Equine Fertility Unit,
ing young teenagers from                                                                                                                                        email it to them before        worked diligently and success-
themselves on a drug-                                                                                                                                           noon to win cham-              fully to perfect the technique in
addled estate in deepest                                                                                                                                        pagne). I will make time       the lab.
Salford (and that was all                                                                                                                                       to sit in the bar and con-        Ms Flint - a London-born
before some of us had                                                                                                                                           tinue my weekly Lost           raven-haired ‘Blair babe’ - stated
even picked up the                                                                                                                                              viewings (will the blonde      as her reason for refusing per-
phone to vote Derek out                                                                                                                                         one finally reveal the         mission that ‘the potential bene-
of Big Brother).                                                                                                                                                hair-straighteners she’s       fits do not match or exceed the
    Welcome back,                                                                                                                                               been hoarding these last       likely animal welfare costs’.
Lawyers everywhere,                                                                                                                                             five weeks?). And what            To date, though, in Italy and
from hours in front of                                                                                                                                          is more, this pleasant         North America, five cloned
flickering screens in                                                                                                                                           new timetable will leave       horses and three cloned mules
sweaty offices, peeling off                                                                                                                                     me happy and fulfilled to      have been born alive and
crisp pin-striped suit                                                                                                                                          the extent that I will         healthy since 2002 and, at the
jackets in the desperate                                                                                                                                        inspire others to follow       time of writing, eight pregnan-
attempt to claw your way                                                                                                                                        in my footsteps. The Pied      cies in Texas and a further ten in
out of the students                                                                                                                                             Piedler of Cambridge           California are past 100 days of
debtors pit and onto the                                                                                                                                        they will call me.             gestation and seem to be pro-
first rungs of the ladder                                                                                                                                       Thousands will flock to        ceeding normally.
to corporate heaven (the                                                                                                                                        my banner and within              Some of these may be abort-
rest of us are set for dole-                                                                                                                                    the year, an extra-curric-     ed, but from past results, any
queue hell).                                                                                                                                                    ular hell mouth will have      such abortions are likely to
    All over Cambridge,                                                                                                                                         opened up (probably            occur before mid-gestation and
Latvian wall hangings                                                                                                                                           over Churchill) and swal-      will be of little or no concern or
have been cautiously                                                                                                                                            lowed the remaining            discomfort to the mare. And
unfolded from suitcases,                                                                                                                                        fragments of the society       half or more of the pregnancies
those naughty stories you
hinted over your mass
                                         “So that’s it. No more societies. No more                                                                              army.
                                                                                                                                                                   So that’s it. No more
                                                                                                                                                                                               will proceed safely to term with
                                                                                                                                                                                               the birth of live and healthy
emails about that lost
weekend in Shanghai
                                          rehearsals. No more language seminars.”                                                                               societies. No more
                                                                                                                                                                rehearsals. No more extra
                                                                                                                                                                                               foals, thereby increasing the
                                                                                                                                                                                               validity and efficiency of the
have been extrapolated                                                                                                                                          language seminars (OK,         technique.
and photos of you posing       don’t know what I’m             Wurlies into balancing          stand. Writing for this           the afternoon before           so I never did this last          So why clone horses anyway?
with a thousand grubby         talking about, go back to       the books for the zoologi-      newspaper can only be             dashing off to rehearsals      one). I am putting myself      In a word, the ‘gelding prob-
little street-child faces      your Argentinean worry          cal-based music society at      beneficial to your health         for that new Alan Bennet       on a strict regime of          lem’. In the non-racehorse
have been pinned up on         beads. It’ll be fine). And      Girton? It has happened         and well-being).                  play you’re doing at the       slackness, confined to the     sporthorse world (eg showjump-
bedroom walls.                 I’m proud. Officially I am      to the best of us. But             Who, after all, says           ADC and then grabbing a        staple diet of alternate       ing) the huge majority of male
    Well, not my room.         part of a Cambridge ethic       stand your ground!              that you must be cox of           packet of crisps and a         mornings in the Seeley         horses that take part are castrat-
No sir. The only tangible      minority.                       When they approach you          the first boat at 6am, up         pint at the bar, making        and the odd Varsity col-       ed (gelded) at a young age to
souvenirs of my summer            Kelsey Kerridge is the       smiling and full of cheer,      to your first lecture on          the cool kids erupt with       umn when I feel indul-         make them more amenable to
are a slightly itchy smok-     sinister training ground        see through to the malig-       anthropological research          laughter at some witti-        gent.                          training and to ‘keep their
er’s cough, an official        for little armies of the        nant black-hole they            at 9am, presiding over            cism from the day, before         As Morrissey almost         minds on the job’ (not on girls!)
document saying I’ve           overworked. SocFair             wish to deposit in your         your meeting as presi-            completing tomorrow’s          said “Underachievers of        while they compete. Inevitably,
failed my driving test and     goers: did you manage to        life, and forcefully reject     dent of Polish Cubism             essay before 10pm, head-       the World Unite!” Just         the majority that become the
the permanent scarring         resist the email lists          their advances (I hope          Soc at lunchtime (get             ing to Cindy’s and col-        don’t form a society.          true champions are therefore
from seeing Kinga shove        tempting you out to the         you disregarded this,           those hoodies printed),           lapsing in bed, Gardie’s       Though, wait. I can think      gelded and so cannot breed and
a you-know-what up her         mountain-hiking society?        incidentally, when you          back off to pick up some          wrapper in hand, just in       of a great design for a        pass on their clearly expressed
you-know-where (if you         Were you lured by Curly         walked past the Varsity         books from the faculty in         time to hit your alarm         hoodie.                        superior genes.
                                                                                                                                                                                                  But if the champion gelding is
                                                                                                                                                                                               cloned and his clone reaches
                                                                                                                                                                                               adulthood at two years of age,

 The Government needs to do its homework                                                                                                                                                       that perfect genetic reproduction
                                                                                                                                                                                               can begin to produce the next
                                                                                                                                                                                               generation of champions.

 Why national access schemes just don’t fit                                                                                                                                                       The clone will never match
                                                                                                                                                                                               his father as an athlete as he
                                                                                                                                                                                               will have gestated in another
                                                                                                                                                                                               mare and had a vastly different
                                                                                                                                                                                               birth, upbringing and training,
  Bobby Friedman                                                                                                                                                                               all of which will influence
                                                                                                                                                                                               markedly his phenotype and
                                                                                                                                                                                               athletic potential. But, he will be

       ccording to the government, and         I’ve never heard a tanked up bloke tell a       actually it is vital to recognise that the sit-   making sure interviews give everyone the      genetically identical and pro-
       probably to anyone studying at LSE      girl he’s trying to pull that he won’t speak    uation for Oxbridge is simply different.          chance to shine, with questions directed      duce exactly the same popula-
       or Imperial, Oxford and Cambridge       to her because, “You go to Essex                The reason why it means so much to                towards identifying a candidate’s potential   tions of spermatozoa that his
are just normal universities like any other.   University, and while it’s status nationally    other people when we tell them we go to           to learn rather than his taught knowl-        ‘father clone’ would have done
In occasional league tables one of the con-    is somewhat mediocre I hear the politics        Cambridge is because they know how                edge. The inclusion of more interviewers      had he not been gelded.
stituent parts of ‘Oxbridge’ gets shunted      department is really highly regarded…so         hard it is to get in. Oxbridge’s process is       would also help to negate the effect of          No other domestic animal suf-
into third place nationally and suddenly       you must be too clever for me”.                 unique, and it doesn’t particularly rely on       arbitrary prejudices - which can make the     fers this ‘gelding syndrome’ in
we’re told that an Oxbridge degree isn’t a         Which brings me to the newest govern-       predicted grades. The combination of              difference when only one or two people        the same way, so the Sporthorse
class above the rest.                          ment educational initiative, announced          interviews, entrance exams and pre-writ-          are conducting interviews. The sugges-        breeding industry cries out for
    The trouble for the proponents of this     this summer by Education Secretary Ruth         ten essays provides Cambridge and                 tions put forward by our own head of          the cloning technique to be
notion, though, is that however much           Kelly, but lost amongst the bombs and           Oxford with a better basis for making a           admissions, Geoff Parks, which argue for      applied to it more strongly than
they say otherwise, it just doesn’t mean       hurricanes that made the expected jour-         decision than any other university. So            open-ended questions in A-levels,             to any other domestic species.
the same to go anywhere else. So much          nalistic silly season anything but frivolous.   changing this one tiny aspect targets             designed to tell apart well taught, ‘hard        Cloning of Sporthorse geld-
sets Oxbridge apart, and not only formal       The proposal argues that less advantaged        something that, for Oxbridge, has no real         working sloggers’ from the truly talented,    ings is beginning to ‘take off’ in
halls and beautiful buildings, but more        students should be able to apply to uni-        affect on whether someone is let in or not        should also be high on the government’s       equestrian countries all round
importantly the rigorous tests that people     versities after their A-level results, with     – and won’t help those being let down by          priority list.                                the world, notably France, Italy
coming here need to pass before they’re        places being reserved especially for them,      the admissions process.                              There’s a reason why Oxford and            and America. But not here in
even offered a place. That’s why, for          as state school pupils’ grades tend to be          But - and this is a big but - this means       Cambridge are treated differently by          poor, super-governed Britain
example, one of the girls from Cambridge,      underestimated. There’s no denying that         that our admissions problem is somewhat           UCAS. The government should recognise         where this magnificent biologi-
who I was travelling with this summer,         there is an admissions problem both             more complex. Cambridge should ignore             that Oxbridge is a special case and should-   cal breakthrough was first
found that a guy who was chatting her up       nationally and in Cambridge itself, but it      the government’s proposals, but must also         n’t force measures like those they have       achieved ten years ago by
decided to completely ignore her when he       seems that in trying to apply this idea to      ensure that the University’s broader              proposed upon us, as they won’t work.         Professor lan Wilmut. Yet again,
found out where she was studying. He           Oxbridge the government is fitting a            entrance system becomes fairer. This does         But in giving this dispensation they must     we abandon British innovative
said that she must be ‘too clever’ for him.    square peg into a very Cambridge shaped         include taking account of a person’s              ensure that Cambridge fulfils its own         science to sensible commercial
My subject, politics, has excellent depart-    hole. There are arguments for and against       schooling when looking at predicted and           responsibility and establishes a more         exploitation in other countries
ments at places like Exeter and Essex, but     the scheme for universities in general, but     real grades, but more pertinently it means        coherent set of access procedures.            around the world.
18 Varsity Comment 07.10.05

           hat’s my demographic? I’ve been
           writing this, as ever, with a bilin-
           gual, pipe-smoking Chilean
 matriarch in mind. If that’s not you, could
 you pass it on to someone who it is? She’ll
 enjoy it more.
     Last night a child triumphed over adver-
 sity and made me sad: last night I watched
 an advert for potty-training nappies. Boy,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Photography: Michael Derringer and
 was his mother proud (and healthy-look-
 ing, in her early thirties, pretty but homely,
 wearing a thin, colourful jumper). He ran
 out of the bathroom arms aloft like a foot-
 baller, exciting pop music played and he
 seemed the happiest a person could be.
 Oh to feel like that! For the life of me, I can’t
 remember that earth-shatteringly brilliant
 moment in my life, and know I’ll never
 have it again. Make you wonder what’s the
 point in going on, nappies.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Illustration: Tom Kingsley
     Today the TV suggested that point
 might be sandwiches. It said if I bought
 one of McDonalds’ new sandwiches I’d be
 Manly, British, Regional, Down to Earth
 and, best of all, Happy. I just went and got
 one. I am still sad, but now full.
     Loads of mothers round the country are
 giving their depressed children nappies
 with one hand and holding the Ritalin in
 the other, in case those nappies are too
 effective. As any mother knows, hitting
 that right balance of nappies and Ritalin is
                                                          Portrait of the Banker as a Young Man
 the key to good parenting.
     I’m scared of people in the service                   Inverse Identity Theft: Cambridge’s underground crimewave
 industry, because sales staff seem cross

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Olaf Henricsson-Bell
 and bored. Understandably. I guess if you                         aving something of a preference                          It seems that for decades, centuries                   We will provide all this, and may even
 were to spend all your time surrounded by                         for the vintage option, I have                        even, criminal gangs have been prey-                      codify it, so that you can carry round
 objects not people, you’d quickly come to                         been grumpily avoiding the                            ing on vulnerable youngsters like our                     your identity in a little red book.
 think of those objects as your friends, pos-              4,000 new things recently washed up                           Canvas and tempting them into a hor-                         Having exposed this criminal net-
 sibly lovers (celibate, though). The fickle-              on our island. I did, however, bump                           rible Faustian pact. For the truth is                     work, other mysterious happenings
 ness of those objects when someone dan-                   into one particular individual; a Mr B.                       that such gangs, masquerading as                          started to make sense. Why do lec-
 gles some cash in their face would be out-                Canvas.                                                       'drinking societies', or 'rowing clubs',                  tures start within five days of one
 rageous! Through the door at the drop of                     He seemed perfectly charming, and I                        are something of a one-stop-identity-                     arriving in Cambridge? In order to
 the hat! You thought objects were so much                 determined to keep an eye out for the                         shop. In exchange for your individual-                    prevent any dangerous period of
 more reliable than people – and now                       blighter as he made his way into the                          ity and general conversational ability                    reflection or settling in that might lay
 you’ve ruled out objects and people, what                 Cambridge world. Seemingly unaware                            they will provide you with a uniform                      the foundations for an embryonic per-
 is left? You’ll have to have a romantic rela-             of how patronising an idea this was,                          and replacement generic conversa-                         sonality? And why has there been
 tionship with an Idea or a Concept. But                   he agreed to stop by and let me know                          tion, replete with witty playground                       such uproar about identity cards?
 even then you can’t be sure of fidelity,                  how he was getting on.                                        repartee. Oarsome.                                        Because of civil rights? Of course not.
 because you don’t who else is thinking it.                   A couple of days into his time on                             This would all be well, and under-                     The NO2ID campaign is being secretly
     Buying things turns you into an adulter-              the Bridge, Blank (as his friends prefer                      standably attractive for those seeking                    funded by t-shirt and hoodie manu-
 er. All consumers are bastards. If you want               to call him) popped round for some                            a hiding place from the dangers of                        facturers, terrified that stash will be
 to demean those who work for you more                     tea and we had a chat about his early                         unscripted social interaction, were it                    made redundant. After all, who will
 than by calling them ‘sales staff’ or ‘work-              experiences. A lively and confident                                                                                     need a garment declaring that its
 ers’ or ‘ants’ or ‘bees’ or ‘ant-bees*’ call              young man, he had met hundreds of                                                                                       owner 'Loves Cox(ing)' when that
 them ‘baristas.’ It’s clever: superficially               very different people, and was full of                                                                                  information is recorded electronically
 empowering, while ultimately a self-impor-                tales of sporting, drinking and artistic                      Such groups have a                                        and available in a handy credit-card
 tant sounding name which invites ridicule
 and jokes about lawyers.
                                                           activity. All this was very promising
                                                           and I warmed to his experimental                              distressingly stultifying                                 size?
                                                                                                                                                                                      But back to poor Canvas, or The
     I used to think the best way to gain a                spirit.                                                       impact on the sucessful                                   Mighty Vomit, as he is increasingly
 barista’s respect was to say the order                       Not a week later, however, and my                                                                                    known. As term progressed, it became
 absolutely correctly – ‘mocha, grande,                    budding buddy arrived for his second                          development of what                                       increasingly clear that the young fel-
 with whipped cream please, to take away.’
 While the barista’s jaw hits the counter.
                                                           visit a transformed man. His fresh-
                                                           faced willingness to try anything had
                                                                                                                         are known in the trade                                    low had not been permanently dam-
                                                                                                                                                                                   aged by his experience of character
 Then taps his friend to tell him what just                been mysteriously replaced by some-                           as ‘personalities’                                        violation. He was still at heart the
 happened, and can you believe it? And his                 thing of a narrow set of interests and                                                                                  charming fellow I first encountered,
 friend can’t, so phones head office. They                 friends. A little surprised, I asked him                                                                                and indeed soon found himself in a
 can, this is all part of their plan, you’re               what had brought about this limiting                          not that such groups have a distress-                     similar master-slave relationship with
 playing right into their hands.                           of horizons, and he, being after all a                        ingly stultifying impact on the suc-                      various other of these criminal organ-
     But now I see that to show you’re really              narrative device, obliged.                                    cessful development of what are                           isations. I began to worry less for him
 not scared, you should dig your heels in,                    It transpired that poor young                              known in the trade as ‘personalities’.                    and to see in his stamp-collection
 and use words like ‘little,’ ‘big,’ ‘foamy,’              Canvas had been the victim of what is                            Fresh and ready for adventure one                      approach to self-definition a viable
 and ‘chocolatey.’ They’ll question their                  known in public order circles as                              may be on arrival in Cambridge, but                       process. Like cannabis, the practice of
 whole belief system. This tactic also works               Inverse Identity Theft (IIT). In con-                         the neuroses of youth, and the pres-                      inverse identity theft is no-doubt ille-
 on monsters. Of course, you’ll never get a                trast with your standard identity theft                       sure to fit in, can make the prospect of                  gal, but nonetheless has a role.
 monster to question his beliefs. But those                (whereby the felon appropriates your                          discovering oneself daunting. It might,                      That being said, there is still the
 words confuse them into submission.                       identity to use for nefarious purpos-                         you see, take years and involve an                        worry that such activity serves as a
     In conclusion: Buy less stuff. You’ll have            es), IIT occurs when an individual has                        inconvenient process of trial and                         form of gateway drug. Once started on
 more storage space, and storage space is                  a pre-established identity grafted on                         error.                                                    the road of identity sacrifice, it is all
 desirable. You can still buy cupboards,                   to his own.                                                      Into this niche market slide our                       too easy to slip into the hard-stuff,
 mind. They help.                                             Shock and anger at the audacity of                         one-stop-shops, offering the personal-                    and by the time the social services
                                                           this little known crime led me to                             ity equivalent of ready meals. Worry                      realise you might find yourself living
   *A cross between an ant and a bee –                     investigate further and I am now in a                         not they whisper seductively in the                       in Surrey, working for a hedge-fund
 basically, a bee with ant’s legs. Looks like              position to reveal the identity conspir-                      youngster's ear, no more will you                         and driving young Florence (would
 a bee, acts like a bee. A waste of the tax-               acy at the heart of our quiet little uni-                     have to fret over where to spend you                      you name your daughter Stoke?) to
 payers’ money.                                            versity.                                                      time, what to wear, or who to talk to.                    school in an SUV.

Editor James Dacre Chief News Editor Amy Goodwin Features Editor Jon Swaine     Varsity     has     been      Cambridge’s        Section Meeting Times:
Arts Editor Ned Beauman Sports Editor Joe Speight                                                       independent student newspaper since
                                                                                                                                               1947, and distributes 10,000 free copies         News - The Munby Room, King’s: 7pm, Sundays
Business Manager Chris Adams Production Ifti Qurashi Associate Editors Adam Edelshain          to every Cambridge college and APU               Music - Upstairs, Clown’s Cafe: 3pm, Friday
Jessica Holland, Mungo Woodifield Company Secretary Patricia Dalby                             weekly. Varsity is proud to be the holder        Literature - Tatties, Trinity St: 2pm, Friday
                                                                                                                                               of numerous student media awards and a
News Editors Rachel Divall, Joseph Gosden, Jude Townend News Analysis Tess Riley Features Analysis   vast number of alumni now working in             Sport - the Eagle, 5pm, Saturdays
Beth Alexander Interviews Editor Emily Stokes Investigations Editor Zoe Pilger                 international media. Varsity also publishes Science and Analysis Editors Zoe Smeaton and Krystina Larkham Comment Editor Olaf            BlueSci magazine and The Mays, an
Henricsson-Bell Opinion Editor Adam Swersky Satire Editor Luke Roberts Web    online edition at, and         Varsity is published by Varsity Publicatioions
Content Douglas McMahon Restaurants Anthony Marlowe and Joe Schutzer-Weissman Food and            broadcasts weekly on CUR1350.                    Ltd and printed by Cambridge Evening News.
Drink Lionel Nierop and Wendy Tsang-Man Pun Fashion Editors Tom True and Rosie Ibbitson Fashion Content Benjamin Seidler                                                     All copywright is the exclusive property of                                                                                                                          To be involved, contact the relevant
                                                                                                                                               section editor, turning up to a section          Varsity Publications Ltd. No part of this publica-
Arts Commissioning Editor Emma Paterson Literature Editors Tom Kingsley, Alison Pearce literature Music      meeting (right) or by coming to the              tion is to be reproduced, stored on a retrieval
Editors Mary Bowers, Sam Blatherwick Theatre Editors Laura Draper, Jenny Lee Visual Arts Miriam      Varsity squash - 7pm on Thursday, 14th           system or submitted in any form or by any
Foster, Jonathan Yarker Screen Editors Carly Farthing, Hanna Briggs                              October at The Soul Tree. No                     means, withot prior permission of the publish-
Photo Editors & Production Michael Derringer, Hannah Fletcher, Jamie Marland Photographers Charlotte Bevan, Elaine        experience necessary.                            er.
Cameron, Jamie Marland, Andy Simms Graphics Olly Wainwright, Adam Welch, Tom Kingsley, Jon Lopez, Tom Windley                                                            (c) Varsity Publications Ltd, 2005.
                                                                                                                                                   07.10.05 Editorial Varsity 19

                                                                                                   email us:
                                                                          or write to: Varsity, 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge CB2 1QA
                                                                                          management, science and               something that could have                    Letters
       Unwanted Intrusion                                     The City’s not the          technology and the for-               been better composed by
                                                                     only route           more-than-profit sector, and          the Microsoft letter-writing     anxiety that there are too
When the subject of newspaper subscriptions was                                           further study in the UK and           wizard.                          many personal records kept
raised at a recent college AGM, the JCR president        Dear Sir,                        abroad. More details are                It’s not as if the letter’s    on file by the police.
                                                                                          available                    on       content wasn’t bad enough,          There are undoubtedly
eloquently argued that all “red top,” tabloids would     I was pleased to read                   never mind the metaphors. I      reasons to object to ID cards,
be of far greater interest to his students than their    Natasha Anders’s letter            We’re funded by the                 for one don’t object to the      but either way it is a serious
                                                         (letters, 30 September). I       University to serve you,              horrifying erosion of my         issue deserving of praise or
more familiar broadsheets, as they could always be       couldn’t agree more -            whatever your interests or            civil liberties that is having   censure written with at least
guaranteed to report upon Cambridge events               Cambridge is a popular           abilities, not to get you a job       my name, vital stats and         equal care and attention to,
                                                         place this term for visiting     in the City - unless, of              extensive criminal record        say, that lavished upon
before word of them got around the University.           banks,           consultants,    course, you want one.                 printed on a plastic card for    picking the nose.
Oxbridge life has long captured the public’s imagi-      accountants and lawyers.                                               the ‘service’ of making my
                                                         Why is this? Because they                     Gordon Chesterman        identity less easy to defraud,                       Rhona Brown
nation and Cambridge scandal stories are frequent-       recruit early. Their closing     Director, Cambridge Careers Service   consequently saving the                              Jesus College
ly used as filler for the centre pages of a hollow       dates are mostly before                                                government £1.3 billion per
newspaper. Reassuringly, these generally focus           Christmas for an autumn           ID cards are worth                   year. Before we bandy about              Short and Sweet
                                                         2006 intake. But with these      better consideration                  patented panic-merchant
upon the salacious or the academic; on dodgy dons,       employers all vying for your                                           phrases such as ‘police state’   Dear Sir,
dismal drinking societies, up-skirts, down shirts and    attention, it’s easy to think    Dear Sir,                             let’s not forget that not long
                                                         the only careers on offer are                                          ago and not far from here        Did someone swallow the
“in tiaras,” or access, management problems and          City-based.                      My own particular favourite           Holly Wells and Jessica          new Guardian and vomit it
top-up fees.                                                Look     more      closely,   inappropriate metaphor in             Chapman were murdered            out over Varsity?
                                                         though. You’ll find that         the highly stirring and               by a man trusted in their
  The media attention that has surrounded                from now, and increasingly       deeply intellectual letter by         community           ostensibly   Love it!
Monday’s terrible confrontation has caused alarm         over the year, the Careers       Seth Thevoz (letters, 30              because his history of                              Adam Lenson
                                                         Service promotes other           September) was that ‘ID cards         molestation,      rape     and                     Queens’ College
across the University and shocked a sedate college       opportunities: in the public     are the relic of a police             violent assault on young
into a state of anxiety. It has also proved an           sector, media, publishing,       state’. Call me a snob, but I         girls had been wiped in                      Letters may be edited
                                                         education, arts and heritage,    prefer not to read in print           Grimsby because of the                            for space or style
unpleasant fascination of the press. Varsity has been
offered upwards of £4,000 for the photos on this                                                                                for improvement,         but             The Answer
                                                                                          Dear Sir,                             there should be no targets
week’s front page and promised more for any fur-
                                                                                                                                set by the government,           allows the best to demon-
ther lurid details. “So, you want a career in journal-                                    A     new      year,     and          which would necessarily          strate their ability while
                                                                                          Cambridge           students          entail selecting students        ensuring that sufficient
ism, son?” , “we’ll mention your name however                                             commence        their   self-         that are less capable than       funds are provided for
you want” , “what’s her facial expression, lad?” ,                                        flagellation over "Access".           others.                          those capable students
                                                                                          The big news this year is                It is also commonly
“so, how much blood can you see?” Just some                                               the 0.7% (that's right, the
                                                                                                                                                                 who cannot afford to pay
                                                                                                                                believed that Cambridge          full fees.
examples of an unpleasant series of phone calls                                           decimal is in the right               should be a demographic
with Britain’s National Press. Perhaps enough to                                          place) drop in the number             reflection of British socie-                             Stan Lazic
                                                                                          of state school students              ty, but the only way to          Letter of the
dissuade many a Varsity hack from a career in jour-                                       that were admitted. A                 assure students are truly
                                                                                          0.7% change in just about                                              Week wins a
nalism.                                                                                                                         representative is to ran-
                                                                                          anything is not much to               domly draw out names out         a specially
  A separate, but more immediately resolvable issue                                       get excited over, and                 of a hat, offending the          selected bot-
that has arisen from the recent incident, is one of                                       university admissions are             meritocratic ideal which is
                                                                                          no exception.                                                          tle from our
student safety within colleges. Whilst Lucy                                                                                     central to admissions.
                                                                                             Universities do not exist             A Cambridge degree is         friends at
Cavendish have frequently re-enforced the exis-                                           to distribute some social             viewed positively because        Cambridge
tence of panic alarms in the college, many students        Letter of the                  good to applicants. Their
                                                                                          purpose is to educate
                                                                                                                                there is the perception that
                                                                                                                                Cambridge selects the best.
                                                                                                                                                                 Wine Mer-
                                                                                          future doctors, lawyers,                                               chants, King's
have expressed concerns to Varsity that these are
neither plentiful nor conspicuous enough. Students
                                                                  Week                    scientists and others. For
                                                                                          universities to achieve this,
                                                                                                                                If selection is based on
                                                                                                                                something other than abil-       Parade
                                                                                                                                ity, then the value of the
in other colleges have been unable to locate any at                                       they must be able to select           degree is diminished. If the
                                                                                          those students that they              access warriors want to
all.                                                            Access: the other         can best educate. This                make themselves useful,
  It was reinforced to all Lucy Cavendish Fresher’s              side of the story        selection is an imprecise             they should argue for an
                                                                                          science, and there is room            admissions system that
during an annual college dinner on Tuesday that
“things like this never happen in Cambridge.” Let
us hope that this continues to be so.            “As for my intelligence, I think it missed the Eurostar”
 Out of freshers’ week The Last Word
            into the fire
Students reduced to dressing gowns, cross-dress- This Week: A Frenchman too far
ing and dog food, diving in and out of
Cambridge’s w(e)ary pubs, constantly unsure of                          ith my nose       is for the most part                  Me:      Oh, ok… So do
                                                                                                                                                                         Zoe Ross
their next mission, but always ready to accept it.
Is Freshers Week no more than a desperate delay
of the inevitable? When the dust settles and the
streets are cleaned, then we all return to the
inexorable grind of lectures, libraries and supervi-
                                                         W              pressed firmly
                                                                        to the Parisian
                                                                        grindstone for
                                                                        over a month
                                                         now, I must admit that I am
                                                         flooded with satisfaction at
                                                         the thought that you have
                                                                                          unshakeably      boring.
                                                                                          almost shocked myself out

                                                                                          when I heard myself mak-
                                                                                          ing a joke at work about my

                                                                                          of it the other day in fact,

                                                                                          wallet, guffawing and splut-
                                                                                          tering as I spoke (well, no,
                                                                                                                                you want to come with me,
                                                                                                                                then ?
                                                                                                                                         Er… No, thank

                                                                                                                                Me (increasingly bemused):
                                                                                                                                What...? Then what have I
                                                                                                                                come to meet you for?
                                                                                                                                                                 where in the local area.
                                                                                                                                                                    Another detail perhaps
                                                                                                                                                                 worth mentioning is that
                                                                                                                                                                 during a particularly ardu-
                                                                                                                                                                 ous photocopying ‘sesh’ at
                                                                                                                                                                 work last week, I inadver-
                                                                                                                                                                 tently overbalanced and
                                                         all finally hauled your          but I might as well have              Man:     I have no idea,         tripped backwards into a
sions. This abridged week of manic boozing begs          reluctant frames back into       been).                                sorry.                           fire extinguisher. And then
the question: who are you trying to kid, Kid?            Cambridge town for anoth-           As for my intelligence, I          Me (eyes widened, unspeak-       tried to divert attention by
                                                         er year of sexy supervision      think     it   missed    the          ably confused): I really don’t   asking the nearest person
  Perhaps the best introduction for newly-arrived        antics.                          Eurostar. Last week, I was            understand. Don’t you            holding a piece of paper
students to Cambridge might be a series of library          Paris has so far proved       supposed to be meeting                want to see the flat ?           whether they needed to
inductions and courses in time management. It is         itself a relentless taskmas-     someone interested in a               Man:     No, I’m meeting         make a quick copy. The
                                                         ter, callously and systemati-    flatshare. So, approaching            some children. I’m taking        answer was no.
unlikely that the freshers will pub crawl again or       cally stripping me of all lin-   the metro station, I espy a           them on a trip.                     Such a barrage of soul-
become active members of societies joined at the         guistic faculty, beating the     small suited character bear-                                           destroying experiences in
                                                         IQ right out of me, and cru-     ing a large case. Naturally             I am now dizzy with            so concentrated a period
Fresher’s Fair, and friends furiously made in            elly confiscating any trace      for anyone recently bereft            imagined scenarios involv-       seem to point to the fact
Fresher’s Week often vanish quicker than Lord            of dignity.                      of an IQ, I assume it is my           ing the petite man and a         that France and me, well,
                                                            My glaring inability to       man. The following ensues:            suitcase-full   of    kids.      we aren’t exactly a match
Lucan once the real term begins. “Bah, humbug!”          express a personality in                                               Anyway, I don’t think            made in heaven. Still , it’s
you might say and “but it’s a tradition.”                French has resulted in a         Me (grinning): Hey, what’s            either of us has ever been       early days… we can make
                                                         distressing recourse to some     the suitcase for? You mov-            quite so disturbed by            this work.
  “But so is fifth-week blues,” I can reply. And I       other deeply-buried sub-         ing in straight away?                 another party, and as soon
bet your Fresher’s Rep hasn’t told you about that        character, long-suppressed,      (Another one of my superb             as reality dawned, I             Next week: Varsity gets the real
                                                         who has a devastatingly          jokes)                                excused myself to go and         deal on South Africa’s top uni-
yet, has he?                                             weak sense of humour and         Man:     No, no, not at all.          die a quiet death some-          versity
20 Varsity Arts 07 .10.05

                                                                                                                  Varsity exclusively presents two extracts from the
                                                                                                                    new novel by Helen Oyeyemi, a Corpus Christi
                                                                                                                        undergraduate and author of The Icarus Girl

       omething has always been                                                                                                        She does not much care; she        somewhere is dipped into warm

       the matter with my Mama                                                                                                      is safe in (a somewhere house,        weather.
       – not that she is especially                                                                                                 a) brittle, rosy dessert tower            And when sunlight is a more
fragile, but that the variability of                                                                                                cooked up out of a worn brick         constant guest and shaves dap-
her strength is more marked                                                                                                         and cedar wood recipe and net-        pled dark away from most of the
than is usual in everyone else, as                                                                                                  ted in a sheet of chocolate           houses ceilings, Yemaya thinks,
if she is wounded in a special
way that makes her blessed. All
                                                                                                                   WHENEVER         brushwood that cradles its mis-
                                                                                                                                    formed marzipan roof. Around
                                                                                                                                                                          yes, this house is food; it can be
                                                                                                                                                                          divided and hollowed out, what
my catechism tells me that being
blessed is the same as being bro-
                                                                                                                   AYA LEAVES       is a hush, not the wrong quiet of
                                                                                                                                    woodlands when the birds are
                                                                                                                                                                          is fresh can, with an accurate
                                                                                                                                                                          cut, be daintily pared away from
ken, and through the grace lent                                                                                    THE SOME-        afraid, but the quiet found in a      what is not, its taste and sub-
by a tubular suffering that her                                                                                                     library lined with desks and          stance dresses the fingertips, it
brain feeds her through every                                                                                      WHERE-           people who are always about to        can surely be made to disappear
day, Chabella, my Mama, is lift-                                                                                                    speak but never do, and old           into a meandering arrow of
ed away from fact on ladders as                                                                                    HOUSE, THE       books with cracked spines that        crumbs.
pure as ice and as thin as angel’s                                                                                                  would shout if they could. Weak          Other overcast mornings,
hair pasta. She tried to teach me
                                       University of Hamburg and the
                                       Sorbonne, he arrived in London
                                                                                                                   OUTSIDE PEO-     yellow light trips fitfully in        when the wind bullies the
where to look for love, and she
also tried to teach me
                                           (to Tomas and I, he always
                                       says he was, ‘sent abroad by
                                                                             then they take their places and
                                                                             strike a pose, and when I open
                                                                                                                   PLE STARE AS     through the gaunt, white-bor-
                                                                                                                                    dered balcony windows of the
                                                                                                                                                                          branches and the green-brown
                                                                                                                                                                          leaves flee to the windows and
Gelassenheit, the longing to let
go, the longing for all doors and
                                       Castro’, as if Castro, having sin-
                                       gled out the academics and
                                                                             my eyes to set my soul in sight,
                                                                             to find Christ, I find Him there,
                                                                                                                   IF THEY          somewherehouse, forced to
                                                                                                                                    limp through the maiming-
                                                                                                                                                                          helplessly moan hussshhhh
                                                                                                                                                                          against their will, Yemaya’s day
windows to be opened and to
escape, free, long before I read
                                       bourgeoisie that he didn’t want       but I find them also, smooth          RECOGNISE        sharp branches of the surround-
                                                                                                                                    ing trees. Because of this irregu-
                                                                                                                                                                          wakes her flat on her back on
                                                                                                                                                                          the edge of a butter-yellow fall
                                       in his revolution, had first          onyx faces stacked behind
anything by Hans Denck. I
drank Gelassenheit in by the
                                       restricted their research possibil-   bearded alabaster. And then I         HER BUT ARE      larity and her way of napping in
                                                                                                                                    deep, unscented bathwater dur-
                                                                                                                                                                          of linen sheets. On these morn-
                                                                                                                                                                          ings she will find that she is
                                       ities, then leant over and lifted     wonder who will catch me if I
litre at the kitchen table, where
I sat on Mama’s lap and watched
                                       them all airborne and into            fall, the Orishas, or Him.            UNCERTAIN OF     ing the day, Yemaya finds a dif-
                                                                                                                                    ficulty in telling when it is
                                                                                                                                                                          clasping a handful of brown
                                                                                                                                                                          moths, their rough, fuzzy flut-
                                       England with a single puff)              It’s 4 am, and I’m still awake
her twist rice paper into graceful         and he brought me and             with five fingers splayed over        HER NAME.        night-time and no more light          tering rocking her locked fin-
shapes whose petals were meld-                                                                                                      will visit for hours. If she wants    gers.
ed together with fine honey. The
                                       Mama with him everywhere.
                                           Mama never thanked him for
                                                                             the ribbed tube of my polo neck
                                                                             and the loop of old pain beneath      SHE SPECU-       to know without submitting to            Or,
prayer flowers were ships built                                                                                                     the cluttered, sarcastic carved          her right hand is clenched
to sail nowhere – set aflame and
                                           I was seven years old when
                                                                                                                   LATES THAT       face of the hallway grandfather       with her thumb pointing east,
unreeling a gently bitter scent as                                                                                                  clock, she goes out onto one of           as if she is about to let drop a
they bobbed atop water, they
                                       we came to London. I’ve come
                                       to think that there’s an age past
                                                                                and I’m at St Catherine’s
                                                                                                                   HER FACE         the boxy balconies whose black        string of beads for an infant’s
carried the tiny, senseless pleas
scribbled on their petals only as
                                       which it is impossible to lift a
                                       child from the pervading mari-
                                                                                and I am at the window again
                                                                                and I am amazed again
                                                                                                                   MUST BE          metal vines smash against each
                                                                                                                                    other to give the impression of
                                                                                                                                                                             (When she opens the fist,
far as the limits of the plastic
bowl they died in. Mama recited
                                       nade of an original country, pat
                                       them down with a paper napkin
                                                                                at the way a steep hill holds
                                                                             growing green on its bald and
                                                                                                                   MADE IN A        bars, and she examines the fis-
                                                                                                                                    sures between the trees until
                                                                                                                                                                          cooling sand falls away from her
                                                                                                                                                                          clammy palm with a stutter, like
letters to me; they were from
her sisters and cousins in
                                       and then deep-fry them in             unforgiving swerve when it will       STRANGE WAY      she can be certain that the sky
                                                                                                                                    has retreated and star-damaged
                                                                                                                                                                          long-powdered sugar leaping
                                                                                                                                                                          home to cane)
                                       another country, in another           support nothing else.)
Matanzas, reminding her how
lucky she was to be abroad, how
                                       layer, in another language like                                             THAT IS NEI-     blackness has come forward.
                                                                                                                                    Yemaya has no bedroom for and
                                                                                                                                                                             Then she wonders if she is not
                                                                                                                                                                          the food of the house.
                                       hot oil that scalds the first lan-
lucky, mi querida, my darling,                                                                                     THER BEAUTI-     of her own; instead, for night-           The somewherehouse is four

                                       guage away, and I arrived in              s the air fine today? Can out-
not to have to constantly pit          London just before that age.              stretched hands catch a rare                       time she tries to find the room       broad floors tall; underneath, a
yourself against la lucha, that            So I soon outgrew Mama’s              tale?                             FUL NOR UGLY     where the best sense of her trees     thin, stale biscuit of a basement,
struggle for life! The tone of the                                                                                                  can be had, and she takes her         pillared with stone and streaky,
letters was not envious, only
                                       evening flower ceremonies.
                                       After a while, the flowers that
                                                                                We are never quite sure            BUT SOME-        dreams with her to the bath’s         blackening powder, swamped in
kind. In other news, people                                                                                                         hoarse cavern and lets them dis-      throws and cushions and plump
were getting married, being
                                       seemed to answer Chabella’s
                                       questions in ecstasies of hush
                                                                             whether our lives are complete-
                                                                             ly our own. Sometimes when
                                                                                                                   THING CHIM-      tract her from the uneasy soft-       chairs in fir greens and heady
born, people were eloping with                                                                                                      ening of the skin on her toes         reds. These colours float atop a
lovers to Santiago de Cuba and
                                       and smoke revealed themselves
                                       to be limp rice paper and only
                                                                             we think we have found a new
                                                                             home, it is in fact the exact same
                                                                                                                   ING STRONGLY     and fingers after too long a soak.    feeling
being caught up with for heated
reprimands and grudging family
                                       made me feel sorry for Chabella,
                                       my narrow-shouldered, café-
                                                                             place that we have left.
                                                                                To make a beginning of it:
                                                                                                                   WITH BOTH.       Sometimes in sourceless agita-
                                                                                                                                    tion, chafed by a happiness had
                                                                                                                                                                             (of no)
                                                                                                                                                                              in that basement. An itch of
blessings, people were winning         con-leche coloured mother with           Once upon a time, a Yemaya                          without deserving, she journeys       gamine black spiders comman-

street-wide cooking contests for       her pink lipstick dotted mouth        Saramagua came to live in a                            the house and calls it by its         deer the fabric of the chairs and
the best ropa vieja, people were       pinched, and her slanted brown        somewherehouse,                                        name, ‘Safety, safety,’ –fresh out    sofas, zigzagging the gluey sum-
ripping off hapless tourists. As       eyes that always seem wet.               (on being enquired after, it                        of the bath she flees barefoot        mits of their giant, multi fibred
Mama spoke her alien litany to             *                                 does not admit cartography,                            down the slanting hallways            meshes         like    nonchalant
me, she depressed the centres of           So I’m letting go.                topography, geography, or pho-                         shedding plump beads of water         tightrope-walkers. The base-
each flower with a deft thumb              Finally, in the lightening oak-   tography, but sketches its own                         on the rusty carpet and rubbing       ment’s back wall holds two stray
so that each missive could host a      stitched cell, jammed into a          near-imperceptible contours on                         the heel of her hand against the      wooden doors, both rattling
fire in its heart. Each petal, each    high-armed chair with a pen in        the checked gridlines between                  .
                                                                                                                                    parting in her moisture-bejew-        evenly away from the wall in
prayer, read:                          my hand and the five sheets of        ‘here’ and ‘over there’.)                              elled hair, closest to where her      blocky ‘L’ shapes as if stitched in
                                       black lined paper, the spiritual         Saramagua is not a surname.                         scalp shudders. Then she slows        with a precise needle loaded
  help                                 curriculum vitae, spread on my           Yemaya also answers to Aya,                         and drags her towel up higher,        with brown thread. One door,
                                       knees, I put aside my hope and        but no-one calls her that except                       wondering if she is indulging in      stepped into sideways with head
   Papa     didn’t   understand        begin to cry. Because I have          for her ownself.                                       something that is too easy to         lowered and knees pulled up in
Mama. Chabella has always lov-         tried. But I cannot answer to            Whenever Aya leaves the                             really be free. The next day, she     preparation for pantomime tip-
ingly folded under Papa’s will,        this. If I were truly being called    somewherehouse, the outside-                           forgets this, remembers again.        toeing, takes Yemaya straight
which is why he always thinks          to a vocation, the right words        people stare as if they recognise                         The beams whisper as she           out into London (Holland Park)
she’s alright. He was forty three      would be there for me, set in         her but are uncertain of her                           passes from floor to floor,           and the raggedly genteel hum
when I was born, and Mama              place like steps to lead me up        name. She speculates that her                          rustling up staircases enveloped      held in a low-built slice of city
was twenty three; she had been         and nearer. Instead, what I           face must be made in a strange                         in a mushroom cloud of mov-           after dark. The other door opens
one of his students at the             know is that all holy places real-    way that is neither beautiful nor                      able bedding; their hushed            out onto the striped flag and
University of Habana. I only           ly are dark places and that faith     ugly but something chiming                             songs are rooted in the beauty of     cooking smell cheer of that tat-
know young-man-Papa from               is acid. It’s as if Mama has had      strongly with both. Strangers do                       stability, of age – they talk about   tered jester Surelere, in Lagos –
photographs. An idealist with a        her Orishas dog me, pace behind       not offer smiles in return for                         the obdurate sky, and reminisce       always, the door leads to a place
perpetually embarrassed smile,         me in a mock-solemn line with         hers, but neither do they hold                         about rich Lebanese slopes and        that is floridly day. Surelere,
an unkempt afro and tortoise-          their hands behind their backs        entirely aloof – mainly, they let                      the land patiently prostrate          Surelere, whose name is a
shell spectacles, once he had          to lie in wait for me, for the        her see a set of the mouth that                        before the kind, killing sun. The     chant, and enough.
finally, achingly understood that      moment that, knees riding worn        travels aimlessly upwards in the                       house is made homesick by its
Castro’s Revolution was not his,       chapel-floor velvet, I close my       same direction as their brows                          cedar veins, which breathe out
Papa eschewed America –                eyes and ask to be allowed            and eyes; symptoms of misgiv-                          misty strands of red frankin-
rather, after stints at the            another sense of happiness –          ing.                                                   cense whenever the world of
                                                                                     07.10.05 Arts Varsity 21

                                                                                    Illustration by Frank Paul

                                                             Applications are now open to edit THE MAYS.
                                                                   Email for details.

                                          4 books: £10 at Heffers
 For fourteen years, Varsity has published THE MAYS,
 a renowned collection of poetry, prose and non-fic-
 tion writing from students in Cambridge & Oxford.

 THE MAYS has become a major event in the liter-
 ary calendar, renowned for helping to launch the
 careers of the likes of Zadie Smith, Jay Basu and
 many more. Each year a guest editor selects the best
 of hundreds of entries for publication in the latest edi-
 tion. Past guest editors have included Ted Hughes,
 Stephen Fry, Philip Pullman & Andrew Motion.

 For a limited time only, THE MAYS series has been
 re-issued at a special low price. Pick any of the
 anthologies for just £3, or you can choose four for
 £10. Buy from Heffer’s Bookshop during October, or
 use the order form to buy direct. And remember
 their names!
                         ‘Maybe in a few years this lot will have
                              me out of a job’ - Zadie Smith
22 Varsity Arts 07.10.05

      freshers: will                                                                             A MUCH
                                                                                             BIGGER IDEA
  they still look
  punk/goth/indie by
  the end
  of the
  Or will
  they                                                                                             THAN
  become, tragically,
  just like the rest of us?

       The King Street
        Run: hostile
        metal fans
        guard, like trolls,
       the best indie
       jukebox in
                              Carly Farthing talks to punk legend Don Letts about Mohawks, accidental
                              filmmaking and why apathy is “the greatest disease of the 21st century”
      Dental dams:                   on Letts – DJ, band           days. This is a wake-up call for                           endless promotion to the detri-      the business, not because of

      clearly the mis-
 cousin of the safe sex
 family, the dental dam
 has achieved only a
                                     member,      music-video
                                     director≠, filmmaker –
                              expresses his desire that his
                              interview read like a Ramones
                              song. “Short, fast and furious.
                              Waffling is not punk rock. If
                              you’re talking about it, you
                              ain’t doing it.”
                                                                   anyone who wants to listen
                                                                   and understand the punk atti-
                                                                   tude and be a part of it.
                                                                   Looking around at the cultural
                                                                   climate of today, it felt to me
                                                                   like punk never happened.”
                                                                      The film may push the view
                                                                   of punk as a philosophy that
                                                                                                        IN THE NME IT SAID
                                                                                                        ‘DON LETTS IS
                                                                                                        MAKING A FILM’,
                                                                                                        AND I THOUGHT,
                                                                                                                              ment of any kind of mystique
                                                                                                                              isn’t such a positive thing.
                                                                                                                              “We’re seeing everything, and
                                                                                                                              there’s nothing there in the
                                                                                                                              first place. I come from this
                                                                                                                              time where art inspired, com-
                                                                                                                              municated, turned people on,
                                                                                                                              and generally elevated my situ-
                                                                                                                                                                   the business.” Again, there’s
                                                                                                                                                                   the championing of the DIY
                                                                                                                                                                   punk ethic: “The whole inter-
                                                                                                                                                                   net thing and affordable tech-
                                                                                                                                                                   nology has put the means of
                                                                                                                                                                   production into the hands of
                                                                                                                                                                   the people. If you’ve got an
                                                                                                                                                                   idea, you can get it out there,
                                 Hard luck for now because         transcends time and music, but       ‘OK, I’LL CALL IT A   ation. Wanting to wave hello         and there are people who’ve
                              talking is exactly what we’re        behind this, there’s also the        FILM’. I DIDN’T       mum on the TV is not enough          got good ideas out there.”
                              here to do, in the week that his     unavoidable fact that the do-it-     KNOW WHAT I WAS       reason to occupy airspace.”          Followed with a pointed,
                              new documentary Punk:Attitude        yourself ethic often produced        DOING. I WAS             Letts is just as disparaging of   “They’re just not on MTV.”
                              has been screened to critical        something that was, musically,       GOING WITH THE        modern society’s potential for          He credits punk’s ‘DIY’ ethic
                              acclaim at the Raindance film        a bit dodgy. Johnny Rotten           VIBE. IT WAS VERY     revolution as popular music’s.       as the reason he fell into film-
                              festival and also released on        proudly proclaimed, “we’re not       DIY BUT THAT WAS      “Everybody’s too busy wanting        making. “The whole point of
 cult following, They         DVD. Looking at his back-cata-       about the music, we’re about         WHAT PUNK WAS         to be on telly.” My venturing        punk rock is that it wasn’t a
 are, however, a neces-       logue there seem few more            chaos”,       and       famously     ABOUT                 that with our world’s current        spectator sport. The energy was
                              qualified to make a documen-         answered a mid-gig heckle of                               political instability, and Iraq as   such that it made you want to
 sary measure to avoid        tary on the history of punk-         “you can’t play!” with “so                                 our Vietnam, this might be the       get involved.” From his prime
 reckless and risky           rock; he DJ-ed at the Roxy           what?”. Letts himself admits                               right climate for change from        position at the epicentre of the
 cunnilingus. And
 what’s more, they give
 them out to Freshers
 in every colour
                              club, hung out with The Clash,
                              managed The Slits and is often
                              credited with being instrumen-
                              tal in introducing punks to reg-
                              gae back in the 70s – an impres-
                              sive punk pedigree.
                                 Punk:Attitude is more than a
                              snappy title; for Letts, punk
                                                                   that during his days with the
                                                                   group Big Audio Dynamite, “I
                                                                   couldn’t even play an instru-
                                                                   ment”. Isn’t that the punk rock
                                                                   ethic? “Works for me.”
                                                                      Letts is also frankly pes-
                                                                   simistic about the music of
                                                                   today’s potential to instigate a
                                                                                                        ”                     within is me with incredulity:
                                                                                                                              “What are you talking about?
                                                                                                                              It’s been overdue since the end
                                                                                                                              of the 90s!” Apathy, or just
                                                                                                                              everyone being in the queue
                                                                                                                              for The X-Factor auditions?
                                                                                                                              “Apathy’s the greatest disease
                                                                                                                              of the 20th century, but there’s
                                                                                                                                                                   London punk scene, in close
                                                                                                                                                                   quarters with the Clash and the
                                                                                                                                                                   Sex Pistols, Letts “picked up a
                                                                                                                                                                   Super 8 camera and reinvented
                                                                                                                                                                   myself as a filmmaker”. The
                                                                                                                                                                   resultant      “home      movie”
                                                                                                                                                                   footage of the bands became,
                                                                                                                                                                   quite by accident, 1978’s The
                              rock represents far more of an       revolution. “Punk’s not just                               also a bit of Warhol’s prophecy      Punk Rock Movie. “In the NME
       Kettle’s Yard Art      ethic than a musical genre; an       music, it’s an attitude that goes                          come to curse us, that every-        it said ‘Don Letts is making a
 Loan Scheme:                 attitude and a way of life that      beyond just music, and in fact                             body can be a star for 15 min-       film’, and I thought, ‘ok, I’ll
                              just happened to find its            I’d go so far as to say that most                          utes. Most of these people can’t     call it a film’. I didn’t know
 go along on Monday           expression in music. He is           of the music coming out of the                             justify three.”                      what I was doing. I was going
 between 5 and 7pm            evangelical about punk as an         West is almost the last place to                              As if aware that this might       with the vibe. It was very DIY
 to borrow some art           “ongoing dynamic”; the move-         find it now. I’d go so far as to                           make him come across as an           but that was what punk was
                              ment, he maintains, goes far         say the world doesn’t need any                             “in-my-day” naysayer, Letts is       about.”
 for the year for less        deeper than the “loud fast gui-      more bloody music.” Letts rails                            at pains to point out that he is        The future, both for Letts
               than the       tars”, and the “superficial          against what he sees as the                                “an optimist”, especially about      and for his hoped-for resur-
               price of       imagery” of Mohawks and              superficiality of the music                                the potential from the rest of       gence of true punk attitude?
                              safety pins that emerged from        industry today, with MTV, Pop                              the world, and “the naive, the       The first one’s easy; a docu-
               a poster       the Sex Pistols scene. “It wasn’t    Idol and the like coming in for                            amateur”. Our Western value          mentary on BBC4 late this
                              about that. It was about free-       heavy – if predictable - criti-                            system may be, as he terms is,       month about the avant-garde
                              dom, and that attitude did not       cism. “It’s become increasingly                            “a bit shot”, but “I don’t want      jazz artist Sun-Ra – “really
                              begin and end with the 1970s.        difficult to be radical within                             to be a doom-monger. I actual-       weird guy, totally punk rock”.
                              This is what my film is trying to    this format of music. I come                               ly believe that this thing we’re     And after that, uncertainty.
                              show.” His first edit, a hefty       from a time when – as my film                              talking about, it’s like the force   “It’s getting increasingly diffi-
                              three hours, cited examples          says – the music was this anti-                            in Star Wars.” I can’t help          cult for me to find subject mat-
                              from the Surrealist art move-        establishment thing. Now peo-                              laughing at this, but realise        ter that I can give my heart and
                              ment and the films of Bunuel.        ple get into music to be part of                           that he’s serious. “Stop that!       soul to.” Is this a sense of ‘left-
     Salmon stairs            “I’m trying to widen the brief       the establishment.” Of nu-                                 It’s out there somewhere, but        of centre’ alienation from the
                              here, and not trivialise what is     punk, or the existence of any                              it’s in the least expected places.   mainstream? “Nah. Bring it on,
     engineers are            a much bigger idea than a safe-      sort of true punk scene in                                 Places that maybe aren’t             fuck it. I’m black, I’ve had the
sometimes consider-           ty-pin.”                             today’s music industry, Letts is                           smothered by satellite dishes,       negatives and the positives all
ate enough to build              Yet the one of the most           scornful. “If you’re calling                               or had 25 years of MTV               my life. I was born a punk.” He
                              interesting, not to mention          yourself punk you invariably                               rammed down their throats.”          says he is eternally hopeful
steps up the side of          curious,       things        about   ain’t”.                                                       He may be dubious about a         that the true punk attitude will
their dams, so that           Punk:Attitude is that it’s a music      He is adamant he would                                  lot of popular culture, but          rise up to prominence once
salmon can climb up           documentary with a maker             never return to directing music                            praises the artistic ventures        more. “The only reason to look
                              who insists it’s not really about    videos, as he did so prolifically                          coming from “left of centre”         back is to move forward. This is
them on their way to          the music. The impression the        in the past for bands like The                             (an area he places himself in).      an attitude that’s the birthright
spawn. That should            viewer receives is one of punk       Clash, Bob Marley and Elvis                                “I’m looking forward to Kate         of the young, if they’re brave
be a lesson to us all         as a concept that merely found       Costello. “I don’t want to sell                            Bush’s new album. And there’s        enough. If it happened before,
                              a musical outlet in the 1970s,       egos and makeup. When I did                                a lot of interesting independent     and I’ve shown that it did, it
                              with its furiously fast songs        it, it was brilliant, but now it’s                         cinema; the films I enjoy these      can happen again.” To this, he
                              more of a by-product than any-       more about choreographers                                  days are coming out of the Far       adds: “When you look around
                              thing else. Letts says he made       and makeup artists than it is                              East, or Europe generally. It’s      today, it bloody needs to.”
                              the documentary “for the             about the band. That’s not the                             not about body counts and
                              young, the old, whoever’s will-      stuff that I grew up on.” I sug-                           boogies. Raindance’s happen-
                              ing to embrace the attitude,         gest that with the ubiquitous                              ing this week; these are people
                              which is sadly lacking these         video, MTV making-ofs and,                                 that are operating in spite of
                                                                                                                                                                    7.10.05 Arts Varsity 23

                                                                                                                                                                                                 Illustration:Tom Windley

                   Punk: Attitude                                  WHAT THE BIG SCREEN OWES TO THE MUSIC VIDEO
                                                                                                      David Fincher – the darker

                                                                         ince John Landis made                                              director, visual artist, writer and   ing     and    music      videos,
                                                                         his genre-defining debut     side of Hollywood                     subversive gardener. Devoted to       Jonathon Glazer’s portfolio
Punk:Attitude is the brain-       bands that are referenced will         with ‘Thriller’ in 1983,     Renowned for his film noir clas-      reviving the ‘Great British           includes some of the most
child of Don Letts, friend to     be totally lost on the younger   the music video platform has       sics, David Fincher has gathered      Culture’ stifled by Thatcher’s        memorable visuals to hit the
the Clash and other punk          generation that has precious     launched the careers of today’s    considerable acclaim over the         reign, his films relentlessly         small screen over the past ten
luminaries, and in actual fact    little knowledge of 70s punk.    most avant-garde directors,        past three decades for works          assault the industry for its com-     years. His commercial success
has disappointingly little to     Those who are more au-fait       The Spike Lees and Jonzes of       such as Alien 3, Seven and more       placency. Similarly his music         includes      Guiness’       ‘The
do with the music that sym-       with the decidedly “pop-         the feature film world owe         recently Fight Club. However,         videos such as the Petshop Boys’      Swimmer’, the recent ‘Dream
bolised a generation. As the      punk” stylings of Blink-182,     much of their cinematic suc-       like many of today’s directing        ‘It’s a sin’ and The Smiths’ ‘The     Club’, and several campaigns
name would suggest, it con-       Sum-41 or Green Day will         cess to previous work in the       moguls, he started out directing      Queen is Dead’, reflect a brutal      for Stella Artois. However, his
centrates more on the move-       recognise      more    famous    music video arena. Without the     music        videos      including    honesty, which may owe in part        multi-award winning music
ment that grew up around the      names such as the Clash, the     pressure to fill fat studio wal-   Madonna’s ‘Express Yourself’,         to his HIV positive status. These     videos were really responsible
movement, a movement that         Ramones or the Sex Pistols,      lets and top box office ratings,   ‘Oh father’ and ‘Vogue’. Not          themes were explored on the big       for launching Glazer onto the
encompassed music, fash-          but perhaps be bypassed by       the music video provides the       afraid to put big bucks behind        screen in later revisionist works     international     film     scene,
ion, photography and film.        Dead Kennedys, Bad Brains        ideal format for experimenta-      his artistry, it was here on the      such as ‘The Last of England’         including Radiohead’s ‘Street
The main problem with the         or the Slits. For fans of 70s    tion without the high stakes of    sets of music videos that Fincher     and Marlowe’s Edward II.              Spirit’, ‘Karma Police’ and
film’s approach is the superfi-   punk though, Punk:Attitude is    the big screen. However, the       developed his uncompromising          Jarman’s commentary on the            Jamiroquai’s ‘Virtual Insanity’.
cial view of his subject Letts    a goldmine – a fun, informed     likes of Puff Daddy spending       directorial style, not to mention     British nation was never fully        Making his feature debut in
seems to take at times; the       and informative feature with     2.7 million dollars on his         a lavish taste for special effects.   realised through film due to his      2001 with ‘Sexy Beast’, Glazer
ethos that galvanised a gen-      comprehensive DVD extras         ‘Victory’ video and Michael                                              death in 1994. However, the           has ensured that his films are
eration is reduced to a sim-      that are almost more worth-      Jackson spending twice that on     Derek Jarman – renaissance            depth and polemical nature of         remembered, if not for their
plistic “fuck you”, rather than   while than the film              ‘Scream’, have ensured that        man                                   his work provide much scope for       content,    then      for     Ray
the DIY scene that was meant      Charlotte Keane                  the music video earns its status   Perhaps one of the most under-        discovery in years to come.           Winstone’s tight yellow swim-
to be accessible to all.                                           as a serious art form. Here are    valued and intriguing British                                               ming trunks.
This is not a documentary for     Punk: Attitude is available to   some fine examples talent nur-     filmmakers of the twentieth cen-      Jonathon Glazer – making
the uninitiated. Some of the      buy now on DVD at £24.99         tured in pop promos:               tury, Derek Jarman earns the          waves
                                                                                                      reputation of great art-house         Learning his craft in advertis-       Hannah Briggs
24 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05
                                                                                                                                                                       07.10.05 Arts Varsity 25

Venue Guide:                                                              the essential events of the next seven days

                                                                                                                                                                                 Pick Week
Fez Club
Where is it? Down a side alley       to Sainsbury’s. Get there early.
foff Market Square sandwiched        Other nights, less famed, but
between two doors no student         worth frequenting if not wasted
ever seems to darken (B Bar          enough for Cindies are
and Ta Bouche). The welcoming        International night on
warmth of Moroccan-style cav-        Wednesdays and Hip Hop/RnB
ern lights is only offset by the     on Thursdays. Watch out this
rather scary black-suited mafia      term for guests Scratch Perverts
on the door.                         and Zane Lowe.                                                          Cat on a Hot Tin Roof              The Winter’s Tale
Why Fez? It is perhaps the only      Fez kicks off about 9.30, kicks    theatre                              and Suddenly Last                  Performed by Propeller,
bar you will find outside North      out at 2.30am. Entry £2-£3                                              Summer
Africa where you can boogie to       NUS, and two-for-one cocktails      Bouncers                                                               Britain’s only all-male
The Clash whilst simultaneously      on a Monday night. They’re not                                          A double-bill of                   ensemble company.
imagining you literally are          short of clientele, so make sure    The first play by British
Rocking the Casbah.                  you bring extra (non-student)                                           Tennessee Williams, who            ‘Apollo's angry; and the
                                     i.d. and smile sweetly on the       playwright, John Godber.
                                                                                                             lived for many years in the        heavens themselves do
What goes on? Monday nights          door. If you don’t want to queue
are famed for Fat Poppadaddy’s       and you’re organised enough,                                            French Quarter of New              strike at my injustice.’
mix of Funk, Soul, Motown and        text names to 07706755235           APU Mumford        Theatre,         Orleans.
Indie Old Skool and new. It can      before 9pm, you can laugh at        7.30pm,   Monday 10th –until        ADC: 7.45pm, Tue 11 to Sat 15      Cambridge Arts Theatre,
turn into a who’s-who of the         the hoardes as you mosey on in.     Wednesday 12th October, £8
University self-titled ‘beautiful-                                                                           Oct, Tue-Thurs £7/£5, Fri & Sat    7.45pm, Tuesday 11th until
people’, especially considering                                                                              £8/£6, SLS: 11.00pm, Wed 12 to     Saturday 15th October, from
who manages to walk straight in                                                      Sat 15 Oct, Wed & Thu £4/£3, Fri   £10
instead of queueing all the way                                                                              & Sat £5/£4

 book now:                                                                                                                                                                     of the
                                                                                                             Britten Sinfonia                   Serenity
                                                                        film and music                       Works by Purcell,                  A Western in space from
                                                                         Michael Nyman                       Maderna, Berio, Strauss            Buffy the Vampire Slayer-
 Jason Byrne presents                Blondie                             The composer’s first ever           and a world premiere of            creator and awesome
 The Lovely Goat Show                Debbie Harrie once had an oil                                           the new work by John               genius Joss Whedon,
 The hyperactive Irish comic is      painting (above) done by HR         solo piano tour. He will
                                                                         be playing music from               Woolrich. Broadcast on             who is now writing the
 now selling out the Edinburgh       Giger, who designed the
 Fringe’s biggest venues.            aliens from the Alien trilogy.      The Piano, The End of               BBC Radio 3.                       script for the forthcoming
                                                                         The Affair, Gattaca and                                                adaptation of Wonder
 The Junction, 7pm, £8 NUS,                                                                                  West Road Concert Hall,
                                     The Corn Exchange, 7:30pm,                                                                                 Woman.
 Tuesday 1st November                                                    Wonderland.                         Tuesday 11th October 1.10pm,
                                     £30, Saturday 26th November
                                                                                                                                                Vue from today
                                                                         The Corn Exchange, 7:30pm,
                                                                         Thursday 13th October

                                                                                                                 When I was 21
Martha &                                                                                                         Emma Thompson
Matilda                                                                                                        In what year were you twenty-
                                                                                                               one? 1980. I think.
                                                                                                               What were you doing? Studying
                                                                                                               English at Newnham.

           eek zero: infected           There is no point in us put-    we reeled in, ceilidh-stylie, to
           with the unturned         ting pen to page about             the Footlights finale.                 How did you celebrate your twen-
           pages of your sum-        ‘Macbeth’ because Martha           Following a day in the sleep           ty-first birthday?
mer reading list and darkened        was in it, and when Mathilda       of narcoleptic Greg                    By having a water-fight on the roof
by the smog of imminent aca-         shut her in the wardrobe, she      (Maximilian Bennett) the               of Newnham with Hugh Laurie and
demia, it feels unreal. By           found she could not type with      sketches scamper in and out            a couple of other mates.
giving us a week of nought,          one hand. Smug voice from          of the surreal with real dex-          What was your favourite outfit?
Cambridge enshrines a gentle         cupboard, ‘Brawn without           terity. ‘Under the Blue, Blue          Blue dungarees and my dad’s
dawn to the coming term; a           brains’.                           Moon’ is really funny. The             leather fishing jacket.
homecoming for the old and              ‘The Threepenny Opera’          vast landscape of dream                What was your most prized pos-
the new. ‘Which is nice’, says       adapted admirably to their         humour may not be an origi-            session? My brain.
Mathilda with a dew in her           new stage and welcomed new         nal premise but the Footlights         What were you afraid of? My
eye and under her foot. And          cast members with open arms        have created an original piece         body.
so the sleeping giant of the         stuck to near naked bodies.        of comedy. It is a joy to see a        What made you angry? Both of
ADC shakes its gory locks            The slightly incongruous all-      sketch show that is perfectly          the above. Plus the oppression of
(thank you Bard) once more,          singing, all-dancing appear-       interwoven with its narrative          women, but I may have been subli-
for the one hundred and fifti-       ance of Brecht in drag was a       particularly one that balances         mating...
eth time in fact. But far from       delight to behold. Zara            the classically funny with the         Where did you spend most of
pestilence and war falling           Tempest-Walters’ Jenny, Mack       very clever. And here lies the         your evenings? In the Footlights
from its tresses (thank you          the Knife’s most illustrious       delight of a home-run. The             Clubroom, or the Baron of Beef, or
Milton, blind but sensitive),        whore, and Thomas Kohut’s          Cambridge audience, after the          Stephen Fry’s rooms in Queens.
we usher in the new by say-          performsnce give what is a         often sparse and sometimes             What did you eat? Carbohydrates.
ing a fond farewell to the old.      very slick production, real        hard to engage Edinburgh               What music did you listen to? Dire Straits. Undertones. Talking Heads. That sort of
The ADC this week held a             flare.                             spectators, are a pleasure to          thing.
gluttonous court to three of            Time for a quick bottle of      perform to and the ADC space           What was the most rebellious thing you did? Shaved my head. Actually I think I was
its Edinburgh Festival con-          sloe gin and a single lonely       a pleasure to perform in. As           maybe 22 by then. No. Oh God. I can’t remember. But will that do?
sorts; ‘Macbeth: The Hour’,          lemon (split two ways, obvi-       audience numbers this week             What are you ashamed of having done? Of having split up with my boyfriend in a cruel
‘The Threepenny Opera’ and           ously, we do have separate         illustrate, this university’s the-     way.
‘Under the Blue, Blue Moon’.         heads) before the Footlights       atre world challenges all the          What did you believe in? Love, friendship, feminism, politics, books and reading, sto-
And what a feast: the physi-         Tourshow. Incidentally the         others and although it may             ries, the value of laughter – lots of things I think.
cal, the poetic and the pas-         extension of the ADC bar, an       sometimes seem a bit of a              What was your most political action? Manning a barricade! I think I was rather mili-
sionate, followed by the             architectural triumph, still       clique it is actually a real free-     tantly feminist so probably consistently and unnecessarily rude to men.
vaudeville violence of               feels pretty squashed.             for-all. And so Week zero ush-         What made you cry? Men.
Brecht’s brothels leading to         However, one recent graduate       ers in the new year and the            What do you wish you had known then that you know now? That it was totally unnec-
the surreal hilarity of the          named it her favourite place       new students, a position of            essary and as a result of brain-washing that I didn’t like my body; that female sexuality
erstwhile Footlights. The ADC        in Cambridge and it was good       privilege that these Edinburgh         was a lot more complicated than I had thought, and that the sexual ‘revolution’ was large-
certainly knows how to put           to be back, particularly as the    shows really do justice.               ly for the benefit of men; that people who were older and cleverer and wiser were still not
on a spread. For the audi-           ebb and flow of sated audi-        ‘Hopefully quite inspiring’            necessarily right; that my opinions were expendable and that my questions were valu-
ence member (old and new)            ence members served to fuel        says Martha, retreating back           able. And lots of other things...
this is gratifying exploration       the sense of excitement about      into thewardrobe at the
of the Cambridge drama               the new term.                      prospect of her 28th perform-
scene.                                  Observing the bell at 11pm      ance of Macbeth.
26 Varsity Arts 07.10.05

I need excitement, oh I need it bad
Sam Blatherwick gets his teenage kicks at The Junction
                                                                                                                                                             album review
   s it in my nature to go to gigs     onto the stage like an uncle doing      they released two years ago, there      Keys’ ‘Have Love, Will Travel’.
   with middle-aged, balding           karaoke – dancing like a teenager       is some occasional movement, but           I don’t think people will be too
   punks now? The Undertones           on his own in front of a mirror, cig-   not nearly the rapturous adulation      offended (especially not those
waltz onto stage at 9pm, a ridicu-     arette in one hand and micro-           received by older hits. It was a cer-   who read Varsity), when I say that
lous start time for a headline band,   phone in the other. Of course, this     tainty, yet such a shame – ‘Thrill      most of the audience were not
and unusual nowadays. Although         is how karaoke should always            Me’, in particular, is just as strong   familiar with The Black Keys, and
I guess most of the audience had       have been, standing on stage in         as material in their previous incar-    seemed bemused by the cover,
work in the morning. The band          front of adoring fans, singing with     nation.                                 which was none the less excel-
reformed in 1999, without former       one of the best singles bands ever          Their final song before the         lent.
lead singer Feargal Sharkey, who       to come out of Ireland.                 encore, ‘I Don’t Want to Get Over          The evening then took a turn
is now working for Tony Blair as a        The rest of the group seem a         You’ is unbelievably powerful,          for the strange, when the stage
live music tsar. He was replaced by    strange bunch of ageing men.            especially in comparison to             was pelted with mini-mars bars        Three things must be
Paul McLoon when they played           Their sibling guitarists look like      ‘Teenage Kicks’ earlier on, which       by a member of the audience,          said about Bedouin
their first reformed gigs. There’s     punk rockin’ Yoko Onos, and their       seemed subdued. But still brilliant,    prompting the band to close with      Soundclash: i) Two out

                                                                                                                                                                                                         Sounding a Mosaic #####
been next to no contact with           drummer was playing his third           of course. Busted tried their best,     ‘Mars Bar’.                           of the three of them are white

                                                                                                                                                                                                          Bedouin Soundclash
Sharkey since.                         show with them, as their other one      but it’s so simple; you just can’t         A wonderfully bizarre finish to    Canadian. ii) Track eleven of
   It’s not as though it makes any     ‘couldn’t get the time off work’.       ruin ‘Teenage Kicks’.                   a straight up wonderful show. As      Sounding A Mosaic is titled ‘Rude
difference: McLoon does both the          Yeah, it’s a greatest hits set –         Another bizarre moment              reformed       bands    go,    The    Boy Don’t Cry’. Really. iii) Granted,
best impression ever, and possibly     what would you expect? When             occurs in the encore, when they         Undertones’ experience shines         nowhere on said debut can I find evi-
exceeds him vocally. He strides        they play a song off the album          launch into a cover of The Black        through.                              dence of the words ‘Jah’ or ‘Mon’.
                                                                                                                                                             But I still haven’t found the secret
                                                                                                                                                             track yet, so there’s still a chance…
                                                                                                                                                               Perhaps the personal consensus
                                                                                                                                                             against this album was merely a
                                                                                                                                                             product of my disappointment after
                                                                                                                                                             the expectation set by the com-
                                                                                                                                                             mendable single ‘When the Night
                                                                                                                                                             Feels my Song’. However, on sub-
                                                                                                                                                             jecting it to a room full of (slightly
                                                                                                                                                             inebriated) students, it passed the lit-
                                                                                                                                                             mus test: no one commented on it at
                                                                                                                                                             all. Which is perhaps the nicest thing
                                                                                                                                                             I can think of to say about what is
                                                                                                                                                             essentially samey incidental reggae-
                                                                                                                                                             rock that makes Finley Quaye seem
                                                                                                                                                             like the quirky one and laughs in the
                                                                                                                                                             face of the word progressive.
                                                                                                                                                               Essentially described as Bob

                                                                                                                                                                                                        Mary Bowers
                                                                                                                                                             Marley produced by Rick Astley and
                                                                                                                                                             vomited out by Fran Healy from
                                                                                                                                                             Travis wearing one of those rasta
                                                                                                                                                             hats you buy in Camden Market with
                                                                                                                                                             the dreadlocks attached. Stay away.
                                                                                                                                                                                                     07.10.05 Arts Varsity 27

Art, Anthropology, Anxiety
Jonathan Yarker wants an end to the egoism of European history of art

       ollywood was sooo last           ile was laboured, but this cul-       encompasses art from every                        pologists. Alfred Gell, for exam-
       year. The moment Cherie          tural isolationism has bred a         culture and every age. The con-                   ple, in his 1998 book, Art and
       Blair donned a sari, the         disturbing attitude towards           temporary art world has a                         Agency, written in the wake of
cache of ethnic-chic evaporated         non-western art. We are so            degree of internationalism,                       ‘methodological atheism’- that
overnight. The fleeting appear-         used to text books that tell us       artists are aware of each others                  is the suspension of belief in
ance of Mrs Blair’s mid-drift is        art began with the Greeks, got        work and exhibit all over the                     religion - calls for ‘methodolog-
characteristic of our flirtation        really    good    during     the      world. In Cambridge at the                        ical philistinism’: for us to be
with non-western culture: we            Renaissance in Italy, and then        moment we have an exhibition                      indifferent to the aesthetic
cherry pick styles and influ-           fizzled out in twentieth century      of works by an Indian artist at                   value of a work of art. So if we
ences, before dropping them in          France, we forget that other          New Hall and a Cuban,                             ignore the lack of visual simi-
favour of Sienna’s boho                 countries could - and did - do        Slovenian,       German       and                 larity, we can see that both the
charms. But fashion gives these         art. We seem to have convinced        American at Kettle’s Yard. But                    Prowboards and portraits are
cultures a better showing than                                                since this level of international-                symbols of power and wealth;
art history. A slightly patronis-       “The big                              ism has never existed before, it                  they were objects for ostenta-
ing approach to non-western
art has, for the last century,
                                        question:                             is surely impossible and rather
                                                                              futile to compare two cultures
                                                                                                                                tious show, where the artist
                                                                                                                                and his technique have been
dominated       the    discipline.      How do you                            separated by thousands of miles                   subordinated to the whim of
Survey          texts,
Wincklemannn to Gombrich,
                             from       construct a                           in say, the 17th century. If we
                                                                              examine Maswa decoration of
                                                                                                                                the patron.
                                                                                                                                   But I still feel this compari-
have traditionally seen western         universal                             Prowboards from Kitava Island                     son is tenuous. And I find
art in a vacuum, only occasion-
ally mentioning other cultures.
                                        history of art?”                      in Papua New Guinea in rela-
                                                                              tion to the contemporary Stuart
                                                                                                                                Gell’s strictly anthropological
                                                                                                                                approach stifling. It begs the
Even in obvious cases of corre-                                               portraits of Sir Peter Lely in                    question: do we need an inter-
spondence between the west-             ourselves that ‘art’ is a preserve    England, we find there is no                      national art history at all? Does
ern canon and other visual tra-         of Europe and North America -         correspondence. In fact, there                    Gombrich’s Story of Art of 1950,
ditions, like the Moors in Spain        everywhere else has produced          is nothing to be gained by a                      need to be re-written to
or the Byzantine-Turks in               ‘artefacts’. We have inherited a      comparison. End of world theo-                    include          the       Maswa
Venice, they appear merely as           Victorian      vocabulary       to    ry, it lived less than a para-                    Prowheads? I think not. But
exotic cameos in the narrative          describe these artefacts: primi-      graph.                                            we do need to abandon the iso-
of western art.                         tive, savage, immoral, and yet           But surely there must be                       lationist position of the disci-
   Well, I am being a bit dra-
matic, and the Cherie Blair sim-
                                        anyone who has seen Japanese
                                        ceramics and textiles, mogul
                                                                              something? After all, we
                                                                              already have a viable system for
                                                                                                                                pline. We need to study non-
                                                                                                                                western art in tandem with
                                                                                                                                                                      More non-Western art in Cambridge
                                        miniatures, Micronesian sculp-        the theory and analysis of west-                  western, drawing relevant            The Fitzwilliam Museum                Museum of Anthropology
                                        ture, African bronzes, Aztec          ern visual art, so why not apply                  comparisons when necessary,                                                and Archaeology
 Read More...                           and Mayan jewellery, or even          it internationally? Easier said                   but not forcing them when the        A fascinating collection of Mughal,
                                                                                                                                                                     Rajputana and Japanese prints;        Extensive collection with exhibi-
 Kymberly N Pinder                      Persian armour, couldn’t fail to      than done. Western art history                    similarities are absent. The         Chinese bronze, stoneware and         tions of Palaeolithic African and
 Race-ing Art History                   be dazzled by their beauty and        requires a certain level of com-                  greater level of international-      porcelain; and Egyptian figurines     Asian art displayed according to
                                        visual sophistication.                monality between the various                      ism in the contemporary art          and Isnik pottery.                    geographical and cultural areas.
 Amos N Wilson                             This is why modern art histo-      creative centres, and without                     world should be reflected in art     Search Out: Utagawa Kunisada’s        Search Out: The Malanggan cere-
 The Falsification of Afrikan           ry faces a big question. How do       this shared context, the value                    history scholarship. Non-west-       19th century Japanese print Snow      monial mask.
 Consciousness                             you construct a universal          systems of technique and aes-                     ern art shouldn’t merely have a      and Love piled Up at the Seki-no-
                                            history of art? By this I         thetics don’t work. Solutions                     cameo role, it should have a         Barrier Gate (above).
 Alfred Gell                                  mean an art history that        have been provided by anthro-                     major lead in the history of art.
 Art and Agency

                                                                                                                                                                     in India but also Ceylon, China       ery can be seen to reflect the
                                                                                                                                 ‘Seated Buddha’
                                                                                              Art Around

                                                                                                                                                                     and the North-west-frontier           sculptural traditions of classi-
                                                                                                                                 1st to 3rd                          region of Ghandhara (today in         cal Greece and Rome. This is
                                                                                                                                                                     Pakistan). This schist stone fig-     combined with a traditional
                                                                                                                                 centuries AD                        ure was made in Ghandhara             pose that reflects contempo-
                                                                                                                                 Fitzwilliam                         between the 1st and 3rd cen-
                                                                                                                                                                     turies AD. The area lay on an
                                                                                                                                                                                                           rary Indian sculptures whilst
                                                                                                                                                                                                           the elongated ears and almond
                                                                                                                                 Museum                              important east-west trade             shaped eyes are ubiquitous in
                                                                                                                                                                     route, and was well known to          most eastern renderings of
                                                                                                                                 This remarkable sculpture is a      the Greeks by the fifth century       Buddha. Perhaps the most
                                                                                                                                 small melting pot of stylistic      BC. Conquered by Alexander            curious element is the cush-
                                                                                                                                 influences. A traditionally         the Great in 329-325 BC, it           ion; the luxurious eastern
                                                                                                                                 eastern figure rendered with a      was subsequently ruled by             swag is pinned to a rigid archi-
                                                                                                                                 powerful western influence.         Indo-Greek kings until the            tectural frieze borrowed from
                                                                                                                                 The historical Buddha, which        early first century AD. As a          a classical temple façade.
                                                                                                                                 literally means ‘the enlight-       result of the various cultures
                                                                                                                                 ened one’, was born a prince        that either passed through or
                                                                                                                                 named Siddhartha Gautama in         settled in the area, the sculp-
                                                                                                                                 the Kingdom of the Shakyas in       ture of Ghandhara evolved a              Each week we highlight an
                                                                                                                                 Northern India. The exact           distinctive style that combined        object of aesthetic interest in
                                                                                                                                 dates of his life are uncertain     Greek,      Roman,       Indian,      Cambridge. Send suggestions
                                                                                                                                 but by the mid-third century        Chinese and Central Asian                    to
                                                                                                                                 BC his ideas had become             influences. Here the treatment
                                                                                                                                 extremely influential not just      of the Buddha’s hair and drap-

  album reviews                                                                                                                                     Ms Dynamite
  Franz Ferdinand You Could                                                                                                                         Judgement Days #####
  Have It So Much Better #####
                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Natascha Anders

                                                                                                                                                   Once again, Ms Dynamite                 Here lies the problem:
                                                                                                                                                   returns to lyrics which deal with     Judgement Days’ lyrics are
                                                                                                                                                   rejection, love, war and gun          cliched and unimaginative. This
                                                                                                                      Sam Blatherwick

They had me at hello: ‘The              blossom.                                                                                                   crime. Unfortunately, this time       type of blandness seems to be
Fallen’, opener of Franz                  Whilst it is tempting to linger     eschews Franz’s trademark                                            the ideas and the songs seem          a running theme throughout the
Ferdinand’s second album, is            on the fresh acoustic strains of      swagger. It is, in fact, these                                       somewhat worn and weary.              album. Unlike some of her con-
their finest moment yet. Lyrically      ‘Fade Together’ and ‘Eleanor…’,       exceptions that keep the album                                       ‘Judgement Days’, the opening         tempories, Ms Dynamite seems
sublime (‘And the Kunst won’t           these tracks’ novelty is contin-      bolted to the CD player.                                             track, comes across as con-           to deliberately avoid witty,
talk to you’) and packing a won-        gent upon the heights of the            The sonic extremes of the                                          trived and preachy whilst             humorous lines, and as a con-
derful rolling voodoo bridge, it        album’s more familiar up-tempo        record render it a sure fire singles                                                    ‘Father’ pro-      sequence some of the songs
ushers in a sly album of inventive      tunes. With ‘Do You Want To’,         collection, replacing what it lacks                                                     vides the one      come across as rather dour and
wit. Those who have witnessed           the band has distinguished            in high concept with an adroit                                                          stand out track    laden. For someone who boasts
the band’s economical live sound        itself. The reflexivity of the        blend of witty lyricism and                                                             on the album,      of having never lost in an mc
will know that their strength lies in   song’s wit might grate with the       dancefloor marketability. ‘I’m                                                          which sees Ms      battle, she seems content to
beats. The louche fills of the          heathens, but I cannot deny the       Your Villain’ perhaps sounds as                                                         Dynamite           stick to simple lyrics even when
opener, along with the choppy           virtues of blending Golden            old as it is, but when even Franz                                                       returning to       dealing with complex issues.
toms of closer ‘Outsiders’, book-       Earring and Debbie Harry. This        Ferdinand’s retreads sound as far                                                       the fury-fuelled   Slick, and well-produced it may
end a disc that sees ‘Take Me           said, the muted apocalyptic           ahead of their jangly, angly com-                                                       lyrics of her      be, but Judgement Days disap-
                   Out’s 4/4 stomp      kitsch of ‘Walk Away’ still clearly   petitors as this, it’s hard to go far                                                   last album.        points.
                                                    stands out, and           wrong.
28 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05
                                                                                                                                                                         07.10.05       Arts        Varsity         29

‘An explosion of energy, light and noise.’
                                   From its opening orgasmic
                                   scream to its dying gasp,
                                                                     configurations. Members of
                                                                     the cast itself become mirrors,
                                                                                                                                                                                        Ways of

        Isabel Morrison
        Hour at the
        Macbeth: The

                                   Macbeth: The Hour plunges the     wardrobes and tangled under-
                                   audience into a barrage of        growth.
                                   ‘sound and fury’; a coura-             However, it is the strength                                                                                   Kettle’s Yard
                                   geous choice from director,       and intelligence of the acting
                                   Sam Yates, and his cast and       that ensure the production is                                                                                      On Friday evening a new exhi-
                                   crew. The production avowed-      never self-indulgent. Sophie                                                                                       bition opened at Kettle’s Yard.
                                   ly strains the limits of the      Middlemiss is particularly                                                                                         Ways of Living is an exciting
                                   play to breaking point, offer-    mesmerising as Lady                                                                                                event showcasing the work of
                                                                                                                                                                                        four different artists, the young
                                   ing an explosion of energy,       Macbeth. Ben Deery, Thomas
                                                                                                                                                                                        Cuban Jorge Pardo, Slovenian
                                   light and noise.                  Eccleshare, Jenny Lee, Brigid
                                                                                                                                                                                        Marjetica Potrc alongside the
                                       What makes Macbeth: The       Von Preussen and Joanna                                                                                            more established the German
                                   Hour so impressive is that it     Benecke also deserve acclaim                                                                                       Tobias Rehberger and American
                                   avoids the pitfalls of incoher-   for their powerful portrayals.                                                                                     Andrea Zittel. The concept of
                                   ence and excess. Deft con-        Though it may leave both cast                                                                                      the exhibition, artistic responses
                                   straints, such as the sparse      and audience a little breath-                                                                                      to domestic settings seems
                                   setting, ensure that the stag-    less, Macbeth: The Hour                                                                                            tenuous since each artist is cre-
                                   ing is endlessly, at times        undoubtedly delivers on its                                                                                        ating fantastically different art
                                   almost wryly, inventive.          commitment to breathe new                                                                                          works in wildly differing media,
                                   Wooden planks metamor-            life into Shakespeare’s                                                                                            lamps, beds, textiles and video
                                   phose from doors to trees to      tragedy.                                                                                                           installations, but as you move
                                   shields, becoming draw-                                                                                                                              from space to space, it feels
                                   bridges, stairways and ban-       ADC, 7.30pm, Tuesday 4th -                                                                                         less and less like a Habitat
                                   queting tables in ever-shifting   Saturday 8th October                                                                                               show home. The most visual
                                                                                                                                                                                        striking and provocative work is
Toil and trouble                                                                                            The fury of passion - Ben Deery and Sophie Middlemiss                       Potrc’s Barefoot College: A
                                                                                                                                                                                        House 2002. The contrast of
                                                                                                                                                                                        the highly colourful vernacular
                                                                                                                                                                                        building sitting in the mute

‘Slapstick with a capital “S”’
                                                                                                                                                                                        architectural sophistication of
                                                                                                                                                                                        Kettle’s Yard was extremely
                                                                                                                                                                                        powerful. So, too, were Pardo’s
                                                                                                                                                                                        lights, which hang next to a
                                                                                                                                                                                        series of prints, the organic
                                                                                                                                                                                        shapes of the glass reflecting
                                                                                                                                                                                        the lines on the wall. The A-Z
                                                                                                                                                                                        Comfort Unit 1994, by Andrea

       camp cupid, slapstick       siasm. The actors tackle their    parison, though it does have
       routine,     improbable     roles with vim and vigour and     the slightly surreal upside of                                                                                     Zittel, which was described as
       twists of fate; Much Ado    are careful to provide a clear    providing Cambridge’s best                                                                                         making visible the ‘fetishistic
About    Nothing     is   more     rendering of the text. Ellena     take-off of Keanu Reeves in                                                                                        aspects of lifestyle culture’
Shakespearian farce than it is     Spyrides’ Beatrice is particu-    the shape of Phil Cleaves.                                                                                         seemed slightly dated and lost
Shakespearian           comedy.    larly impressive.                    But to criticise this produc-                                                                                   its impact when compared with
Having spent September tour-             Yet CAST’s version is all   tion for seeking nothing more                                                                                      Rehberger’s striking Lying
ing America, CAST return to        head and no heart. Beatrice       than laughter is to judge it                                                                                       Around Lazy, Not Even Moving
the home turf with a slick         and Benedick spar, yet there’s    with values that it doesn’t                                                                                        for Coke, Sweets, TV or
show that aims to do nothing       a fatal lack of chemistry.        aim for. CAST look like                                                                                            Vaseline 1999. This is a chang-
more than entertain.               Emotions like ‘love’ and          they’re having huge amounts                                                                                        ing installation which has been
     Much Ado is one of those      ‘hate’ are dug a rather shal-     of fun on that stage. And                                                                                          created to record shifts in taste.
Shakespeare       plays    that    low grave. And the darker         they’re certainly desperate for                                                                                    This exhibition sits interestingly
merges easily with the plots       undertones of grief are, for      the audience to enjoy it too.                                                                                      next to Ede’s own ‘way of living’
of As You Like It, Two             the most, ignored. Instead,       The proof is in the pudding,                                                                                       and is a fantastic opportunity to
Gentleman of Verona and such.      the humour value of every         and people in the first audi-                                                                                      see important, international
Drunken fools, amorous aris-       scene is drained dry; this is     ence were roaring with                                                                                             contemporary art.
tocrats, bawdy hoi polloi,         slapstick with a capital ‘S’.     laughter. So if you feel like
cross-dressing - it’s all in          The production also fails to   seeing a light, fluffy version
there somewhere. Beatrice          escape the lengthy shadow of      of a well-loved play, venture          Phil Cleaves playing Don Jon
and Benedick snipe, Hero and       – whisper it – the ‘Ken and       to the Playroom this week.
Claudio fall in love, there are
plenty of plot surprises and
                                   Em’ version, the sumptuous
                                   Branagh film. When a student      The Corpus Playroom,
                                                                                                            Imogen Walford reviews Much Ado
all end up married.                play mirrors a professional       7.45pm, Tuesday 4th -
      This production bubbles      production so closely, it does    Saturday 8th October
                                                                                                            About Nothing at The Corpus Playroom
over with energy and enthu-        itself no favours by the com-

 book now:
                                   ‘The auditorium was at least half full’

                                                                               hey say all that is need-    and so acting. Rew is currently       if you had the right shoes to
 Providing New Theatre
                                    As another                                 ed for evil to flourish is
                                                                               for the good people not
                                                                                                            working in advertising for a
                                                                                                            company which is his dad’s.
                                                                                                                                                  match. Angular lines and
                                                                                                                                                  smooth white surfaces, with
 Companies with the opportu-
 nity to perform throughout         term of                          to say something to someone
                                                                     who could do something about
                                                                                                               As an actor, it’s hard to act
                                                                                                            knowing the play you’re in is
                                                                                                                                                  shots of red - ‘Is it blood?
                                                                                                                                                  Perhaps it used to be fruit? Is it
 the UK as part of a touring
 programme supported by
 Battersea Arts Centre.
                                    theatre                          it,’ and this is the message you
                                                                     leave with when you leave
                                                                                                            making you look rubbish, but it
                                                                                                            is achingly worthwhile. The
                                                                                                                                                  ‘Stop’? Does it represent fruit?’ -
                                                                                                                                                  which really danced well with
 Radio Play, The Receipt,
 Dead Man’s Biggest Fan,
                                    reviews begin                    Stability, My Brother! (My
                                                                     Brother?), the new play by
                                                                     Cambridge Graduate Rew
                                                                                                            actors all carried it off with
                                                                                                            aplomb. Thoroughly entertain-
                                                                                                            ing. In particular, Vladimir, (the
                                                                                                                                                  Forton’s light (which Rew point-
                                                                                                                                                  ed out had varying colours and
                                                                                                                                                  intensities) and certainly did
 Ether Frolics all form part of
 this exciting venture and are
                                    Varisity’s                       Coulton. The auditorium was at
                                                                     least half full on the day I went,
                                                                                                            eponymous ‘Brother’) was
                                                                                                            played well and stubbornly by
                                                                                                                                                  nothing to help the action we
                                                                                                                                                  were watching on stage.
 on offer to Varsity readers for
 £3 entry with NUS.
                                    Redland                          which Rew said was average.
                                                                     Stuart Robson gives the stand
                                                                                                            Adam Harris, bravely capturing
                                                                                                            the right air of ennui, so unfash-
                                                                                                                                                     So, was Tom Portly’s (the
                                                                                                                                                  director) daring fusion of physi-
 The Junction, £8/3 (NUS) 13th
 22nd October
                                    Flettons takes                   out performance.
                                                                         It’s hard to articulate anything
                                                                                                            ionable nowadays (why?!). The
                                                                                                            only exception was the lithe
                                                                                                                                                  cal theatre with a script written
                                                                                                                                                  before rehearsals successful?
                                                                                                                                                                                            A Nightmare Before
                                                                                                                                                                                             Christmas: Special
                                    a light-heart-                   about this play, because the play
                                                                     very articulately attacks the very
                                                                                                            Stuart Robson, who really stole
                                                                                                            the show as the other Brother of
                                                                                                                                                  Physical theatre is achingly cool
                                                                                                                                                  at the moment and in the past               Edition An extras-
                                                                     idea of articulation, and shows        the title of the play, Kent, a gar-   year we’ve seen some fantastic           loaded version of Tim
                                    ed look at the                   you how redundant it is to talk
                                                                     about things much at all really.
                                                                                                            gantuan hotelier with a mysteri-
                                                                                                            ous past and diabetes. Robson
                                                                                                                                                  moving on and across the ADC
                                                                                                                                                  stage. But what does the phrase
                                                                                                                                                                                             Burton’s 1993 stop-
                                    art of theatre                   In fact the only thing I could
                                                                     think to say when I left was not
                                                                                                            really stood all over that stage.
                                                                                                            Truly a tremendous actor - end
                                                                                                                                                  ‘physical theatre’ actually mean?
                                                                                                                                                  Well, don’t go to Coulton’s play
                                                                                                                                                                                           motion gothic comedy
                                                                                                                                                                                                   at a low price.
                                    criticism                        to say anything, which shows
                                                                     you how successful it is, I think.
                                                                                                            of story.Some say it’s his mal-
                                                                                                            leable physicality which really
                                                                                                                                                  if you’re looking for answers. S,
                                                                                                                                                  MB! (MB?) was an unmitigated
                                                                                                                                                                                                     RRP £12.99
                                                                     And the play does still allow you      makes Robson quite so good,           triumph of style over substance.
                                                                     to think, which is typical of          but I think it’s his generosity of    Last night Rew Coulton, who
                                                                     Rew’s generosity. Everything
                                                                     about the production – the first
                                                                                                            character which makes him
                                                                                                            such a talented actor, and such a
                                                                                                                                                  works in advertising, killed the-
                                                                                                                                                  atre. It was boring. I was sad to            dvd
                                                                     class lighting (by Ed Forton)          very good friend.                     see it bleed. If his next play is
                                                                     which covered the whole stage,            Fiona Rigelli’s set was aston-     even half as good as this one,
                                                                     choreography (Su Mill), and the        ishingly stylish – almost like        you should all go.
                                                                     excellent program (Susie Mill) -
                                                                     really shone out, and highlight-
                                                                     ed the redundancy of the actors,
                                                                                                            fashion. And being stylish is
                                                                                                            what plays ought to be about –
                                                                                                            Amen. You would wear this set
                                                                                                                                                     Stuart Robson will next be
                                                                                                                                                  appearing in ‘The Lick Unwanted
                                                                                                                                                  (Unwanted?)’ in Week 5                     week
30 Varsity Arts 07.10.05

                                                                                    “emotive portrayal of people liv-

                                                                                        ing in deteriorating circum-
                                                                                    stances, commonly in a context
                                                                                          of hysteria and violence.”
                                                                                    t a time when the             from this approach, highlight-

                                                                             A      American deep South
                                                                                    has come abruptly into
                                                                             focus, it is perhaps apt that
                                                                                                                  ing its darker quality. “Cat is
                                                                                                                  Romantic not romantic”, he
                                                                                                                  argues, adding that they are
                                                                             next week the ADC will be            using the original script, not
                                                                             showcasing a double bill of the      the sentimentalized versions
                                                                             South’s greatest playwright,         devised for the Broadway
                                                                             Tennessee Williams.           The    debut or the film. The main
                                                                             Pulitzer-prize winning Cat on a      character, Maggie, has come
                                                                             Hot Tin Roof is the main show        from a poor background
                                                                             and will commemorate the             approaching life on a material
                                                                             50 th Anniversary of its             level in pursuit of her dreams.
                                                                             Broadway debut. This will be         As a student she met Brick,
                                                                             followed by the late show,           who, with his successful sport-
                                                                             Suddenly Last Summer, which is       ing career and wealthy her-
                                                                             set in New Orleans itself and is     itage, fulfilled these ideals for
                                                                             regarded as Williams’ darkest        her. But dreams can’t last for-
                                                                             work.                                ever, and it becomes clear that
                                                                                There will be a collection at     theirs have long since died by
         Laura Draper talks to the directors of                              the end of each performance to
                                                                             be donated to the Red Cross in
                                                                                                                  the time the play takes place.
                                                                                                                  Maggie expresses this directly:         Simon Evans and Zara Tempest-Walters rehearse for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
     Suddenly Last Summer and Cat on a Hot                                   America which has been heav-         “Life has got to be allowed to
                                                                                                                                                          to produce an oppressive                 distorted version of its former
                                                                             ily involved in the aid efforts      continue even after the dream
                         Tin Roof at the ADC                                 in New Orleans.                      of life is all over.” In Maggie’s       atmosphere in which the char-            self. In spite of the evil quality
                                                                                Tennessee      Williams      is   effort to overcome life’s obsta-        acters are denied their private          of Suddenly Last Summer, Lydia
                                                                             acclaimed primarily for his          cles after the said dream has           space, and backed by gauze               explains that its power lies in
                                                                             emotive portrayal of people          dissolved, practicality prevails        creating an illusory impres-             its “projection of emotional
                                                                             living in deteriorating circum-      over her natural tenderness             sion.    Costumes are a weird            truth that is hysterical and
                                                                             stances, commonly in a con-          and she resorts to dissolute            combination of black and                 huge… more truthful because
                                                                             text of hysteria and violence.       tactics for the sake of survival.       white, skewing the audience’s            of its unabashed theatricality.”
                                                                             His writings offer a critique on     In this way, Williams depicts           perception of ‘moral juxtaposi-          It is indeed sinister, but it is
                                                                             human weakness in general,           the characters as products of a         tion’, flavoured by a third              essentially honest.
                                                                             often affected by autobio-           society that denies them moral          colour, auburn, the ‘colour of              In developing this produc-
                                                                             graphical elements.                  purity.       So the heroine            longing’.                                tion of Suddenly Last Summer,
                                                                                Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is one of   becomes flawed and exposed                 It is Williams’ ethical ambi-         the team used “actor-centricity
                                                                             William’s most popular plays,        as fundamentally no better              guity that links the two pro-            as their first principle”, mean-
                                                                             in which a southern family’s         than her mercenary sister-in-           ductions. In many of his plays           ing that the actors were given
                                                                             secrets are brought to the sur-      law.                                    there are characters with                the space to develop their own
                                                                             face at the birthday party of           In this production of Cat on a       whom the audience naturally              performances before designs
                                                                             their dying Big Daddy. Due to        Hot Tin Roof the design sup-            empathise or admire, and                 were conceived. The cast were
                                                                             the iconic lead female, Maggie,      ports the actors in conveying           those who we are led to                  encouraged to “enjoy the
                                                                             this play is commonly miscon-        the hyper-realism that is char-         despise. Yet ultimately none             voluptuousness of the charac-
                                                                             ceived as a romance. In direct-      acteristic of Williams and so           are morally superior. Lydia              ters”, searching for physical as
                                                                             ing this play, Olaf Henricson-       appeals to Olaf. Walls are rep-         Wilson, directing Suddenly Last          well as mental ways of
                                                                             Bell has tried to steer away         resented only by their frames           Summer, explains that it “wraps          expressing their characters. It
                                                                                                                                                          racism, homophobia, sexism               has been a collaborative
                                                                                                                                                          and even cannibalism in a                process in which the costumes,
                                                                                                                                                          hazy blend of seeming moral              lighting and sound have grown
                                                                                  “racism, homophobia, sexism                                             ambivalence.” The murdered
                                                                                                                                                          Sebastian, who is at the core of
                                                                                                                                                                                                   out of an understanding of the
                                                                                                                                                                                                   characterization of the actors.
                                                                                  and even cannibalism in a hazy                                          the play, is initially perceived
                                                                                                                                                          to be a victim. But as the play
                                                                                                                                                                                                      These are two very different
                                                                                                                                                                                                   examples of the work of
                                                                                  blend of seeming moral ambiva-                                          unfolds, so the true story of his        Tennessee Williams, with dis-
                                                                                                                                                          life and the events leading up           tinct approaches. And if you
                                                                                  lence.”                                                                 to his death are revealed, and           see them both on Wednesday
                                                                                                                                                          our image of him is progres-             or Thursday, there’s a £1 dis-
 Jessica Brookes and Benjamin Deery rehearse Suddenly Last Summer                                                                                         sively tarred until it is a totally      count.

                                                            Jamie Cullum
                                                            Catching Tales #####                                  Lame Academy
                  J a m i e             asked every head girls’ press-       tracks talking of sex, Iraq and      Mary Bowers is expelled from the school of jazz-lite
                Cullum,          the    ing question: ‘can I use this        drugs. While it’s pseudo jazz,
                  man              of   album as my ‘getting ready’          pop and r’n’b ways didn’t pre-             his month sees the release        The Senior Prefect: Katie                you don’t fit into her frou frou
                     B r i t a i n ’s
                      l e s s -
                      t h a n -
                 edgy sector
                                        music before a night out?’
                                           I can’t. It is not for Cullum’s
                                        lack of trying. Like the school
                                        kid who desperately wants to
                                                                             pare my feet for a night of
                                                                             dancing, his cutting ‘useless,
                                                                             selfish prick’ and ‘stupid twat’
                                                                             lines did get me thinking
                                                                                                                  T     of two albums which
                                                                                                                        might make you imagine
                                                                                                                  that Mother’s Day is imminent
                                                                                                                                                          Melua. 2003’s Call Off the Search
                                                                                                                                                          heralded her as yet another sus-
                                                                                                                                                          piciously over-talented young

                                                                                                                                                                                                   Your younger sister’s annoy-
                                                                                                                  rather than a twinkle in March’s        upstart that Sony could hire and         ing best friend: Joss Stone.
               and, the public          be remembered as the ‘weird          about the unassuming victim I        eye (as a hint for the typical stu-     fire and make a mint out of.             She’s younger than you, and
 school girl. Or so his record          one’ this album tries too hard       could unleash upon during the        dent): yes, WH Smith will be            Despite Terry Wogan’s best               prettier too. She apparently
 company like to think: a recent        but doesn’t quite work.              night. The album is clumsy.          cashing in on the cunning place-        efforts, her latest album Piece by       bosses around her manager but
 PR initiative saw every head           Reverberating guitars, dis-          Cullum may be slowly shaking         ment of Jamie Cullum’s                  Piece was still a flop. Your mum         you can’t help but secretly
 girl in the country receive a          jointed piano, vocals laden          off his darling-of-middle-           ‘Catching Tales’ and Gemma              can’t understand why you don’t           admire her for having the
 copy of Catching Tales. So I           with effects and gritty lyrics       England image but he remains         Hayes’ ‘The Roads Don’t Love            want to be her friend.                   audacity to record her own ver-
 decided to put it through the          show that Cullum is trying to        more back of the mic than            You’ next to the Radio Times and                                                 sion of the White Stripes’ ‘Fell in
 SAS training of reviews and            do something new, his own            pump up the volume.                  the Daily Mail. So, in celebration      The quiet studious one at                Love with a Girl’. And she gets
                                                                                                                  of this happy coincidence, and          the back of the classroom:               all the best parts in the school
                                                                                      Kettle's Yard               the fact that you have finally          Gemma Hayes, she might have              productions for sucking up to
                                                                                      Castle Street
                                                                                                                  escaped your summer of being            tried twice now to have a hit,           Mr Geldof (see Live8).

                                                                             Cambridge CB3 0AQ
                                                                                                                  subjected to Radio 2 in the back        her offerings haven’t been bad
                                                                                                                  of your mum’s car, Varsity music        at all (at least they were well          The girl smoking behind the
                                                                                 Tel 01223 352124                 take you on a tour of the School        thought out) but she doesn’t             Bike Shed: Amy Winehouse.
                                                                                                                  of Jazzlite, where all pupils are       make enough of a fuss for any-           The parental advisory sticker on

                                                                                                                  the kind of friends your mum            one to remember her name.                the front of 2003’s debut Frank
                                                                                                                  will ask you to invite back home        Even your mum will describe              says it all. Goodness knows why

  Love art? Love music? Come to Kettle's Yard.
                                                                                                                  again.                                  her as ‘the pretty one with the          she hasn’t been expelled: but the
                                                                                                                                                          brown hair’.                             Head of English probably fancies
  Art: A house with a collection of early twentieth century art displayed in a unique                             The Head Boy: Jamie Cullum..                                                     her and so does your Dad. Famed
  and beautiful setting and a gallery that presents an international programme of
                                                                                                                  He’s a lad’s lad, patting the back of   Your older brother’s more                and admired for hanging out with

  contemporary and modern art exhibitions.
                                                                                                                  all the popular boys (with his          sophisticated        girlfriend:         Kanye West. And laughing in Sex
                                                                                                                  cover      version/massacre        of   Madeleine Peyroux. She writes            Education.See also the nursery of
  Music: There are several concert series with major discounts for students.                                      Radiohead’s ‘High and Dry’)             her own music. She might be a            opera voices using popular folk
  Picture Loan Scheme: this scheme allows students to borrow, at low cost,
                                                                                                                  whilst shining a twinkling row of       bit French. She sounds like              tunes (Charlotte Church, G4) and

  works of art to put on their walls.
                                                                                                                  teeth at your mum and insisting         Billie Holiday (although doesn’t         the college of folk singers using
                                                                                                                  on calling her ‘Mrs Roberts’            quite carry the same degree of           opera voices (Damien Rice, James
                                                                                                                  despite being introduced to her by      sophistication ) but she’s far too       Blunt). Of course, Jamie Oliver
  Where & when? Find out more, and borrow a work of art, at the Student
                                                                                                                  her first name. Be warned: in her       good to hang around with you.            will be providing the school din-

                                                                                                                  dreams he calls her ‘Sandra’…           Secretly you want to be her. But         ners.

  Monday 10 October 5-7pm - free                                                                                                          Ways of Living is on at Kettle’s Yard until 20th November, free entry.
                                                                                                                                                07.10.05 Black History Month Varsity 31

                                                                                               As BLACK HISTORY MONTH celebrates the contribution of
                                                                                               black citizens to Britain’s cultural life, Varsity looks at cultural life
                                                                                               at a university where there are FEWER BLACK STUDENTS
                                                                                               THAN STUDENTS WITH THE SURNAME WHITE. EMMA
                                                                                               PATERSON discovers a serious lack of black student
                                                                                               involvement in our cultural scene.

      hroughout my life, despite      contemporary female black
      my African-English her-         poets. The city of Cambridge
      itage, people have told me      itself celebrates the month with
that they think of me as cultur-      a high profile programme of
ally white. Why? Because I            events. That such a celebration
spent seven years at an inde-         exists is a refreshing and stimu-
pendent school, and I am now          lating mark of progression,
in my final year at Cambridge.        acceptance and open-minded-
To some, maybe I’m a traitor, to      ness. But in a modern, multina-
others, even a symbol of eman-        tional society – and one that the
cipation. To all, perhaps, I have     Labour government has pro-
stepped away from the tribe,          claimed as just and integrated,
and entered a white man’s             ‘where diversity is valued’ - it is
world.                                also surely to be expected. I, for
   Fellows have been fighting         one, would not expect anything
with      this    description    of   less. And yet, at my university, I
Cambridge for years, but, as          have grown to do so.
CUSU President Laura Walsh               It is hard to defend your uni-
told Varsity, the percentage of       versity against accusations of
black students in the university      being a microcosm of a white
remains “pitifully poor”. It is no    man’s world when it is rare to
secret that there exists an           see a black face within its arts
under-representation of black         community. No one that I know
students at the university. Chine     can remember seeing any black
Mbubaegbu was absolutely right        actors in an Amateur Dramatic
when she commented in Varsity         Club production for years.
that this is “an issue that           Neither has there recently been
becomes increasingly tiresome         a black playwright represented
the more and more it is brought       by an ADC theatre production.
up.” We know that there are           No black writers were published
more people with the surname          in last year’s Mays anthology.
White than there are black            One out of the twenty members
undergraduates,        and     that   of the Cambridge University
despite the efforts of access offi-   Jazz Orchestra is black, and for
cers to attract ethnic minority       the two years before this there
students, the number of black         have been no black members at
students has only increased by        all. It would be irresponsible to
two in the past two years. These      separate these figures from the
are all damning and inexcusable       minute proportion of black stu-
statistics. Yet they are accepted.    dents in the university as a
What goes unmentioned, how-           whole, but it would be even                                             “People say ‘There aren’t             place to live. The university has    ADC simply because I am half
ever, is how those black stu-         more so to use this alone as a        “I DON’T NEED TO                  enough black actors so you can’t      its share of vocally racist stu-     black. But in a university that
dents who are here are being          justification for them. That the      GAZE UP AT A                      cast it, so you can’t put it on.’     dents.”                              boasts of a rich and diverse arts
forced to stand on the periphery      university rugby club boasts          BLACK FACE EVERY                  But the fewer plays there are            One actor tells me that, when     community, what I do need is to
of the university’s cultural          over half a dozen black players                                         with roles for black actors, the      faced with the problem of find-      know that I can if I make the
scene.                                emphasises this artistic dearth       TIME I VISIT THE                  less confident the black actors in    ing a black actor for a lead role,   choice. And a black student
   This month the nation begins       by comparison. What is most           ADC        SIMPLY                 Cambridge become - because            it was suggested to the director     auditioning for a part in Romeo
to celebrate Black History            evidently an admissions issue is      BECAUSE I AM HALF                 confidence comes from per-            of the play by the ADC that she      and Juliet shouldn’t be restricted
Month, an occasion designed to        also inextricably bound up with                                         formance – and the less willing       blacken a white actor’s face.        to the role of Mercutio, simply
promote the knowledge of black        a collective mindset that is pas-     BLACK.”                           they are to audition when there       Stacey Gregg, who directed Six       because he was played by a
historical experience, and to         sively accepting of the status                                          is a role for them, and the roles     Degrees of Separation for the        black actor in the Baz
observe and pay tribute to the        quo and undemanding of                                                  just gradually disappear because      Pembroke Players last year           Luhrmann production. He
positive cultural contributions of    change. The President of the                                            you can’t cast them’. And he’s        described to Varsity the difficul-   should be able to play Romeo in
black people to British society.      ADC, Benjamin Deery, whilst                                             right. Identification is central to   ties she faced trying to cast for    a production that makes the
David Adjaye and Malcolm              acknowledging the absence of                                            both a sense of acceptance, and       the Caribbean male lead: “I had      Montagues a black family
Purkey, interviewed for this          artistic diversity, declared that                                       of self-belief. If an African stu-    to audition for over a month, no     because in one of the country’s
spread, provide two examples of       he was unwilling for the Club to                                        dent sees only English names          one was coming forward and it        leading universities, no actor
black professionals at the top of     employ methods of positive dis-                                         upon a newspaper page, is there       reached the point when I was         should be racially distanced
their respective fields yet still     crimination in order to deal with                                       not the implicit message that         being advised to cast an Indian      from a work that is not, and
artistically aware of their ethnic-   this void. He told Varsity that                                         African names are not meant           actor instead.” Stacey ignored       never has been, racially specific.
ity. The past few months have         “hope for a broader spectrum of                                         for, and will never be seen on,       these suggestions and ultimately        There are no easy solutions.
witnessed countless events held       theatrical diversity is totally                                         that page? What is created is a       persuaded a black student to         And perhaps I render myself as
in honour of the occasion; the        understandable and justifi-                                             chain of inferiority in which the     make his debut on the stage in       guilty as those I accuse of pas-
exhibition ‘Back to Black’ at the     able….the theatre societies of                                          black student sees only white         her production. Similarly, a         sivity and inaction by declaring
Whitechapel Art Gallery offered       Cambridge are totally receptive                                         success, and becomes alienated        director was told at a European      that I have none. But a tire-
us a broad survey of the Black        to those who would effect this                                          from extracurricular life.            Theatre Group interview that         some and unsolvable issue or
Arts Movement during the              change”, comfortably recognis-                                             But how far is it merely pas-      staging a production of Othello      not, to voice a defiance of its
1960s and ‘70s; the British Film      ing the need for progression but                                        sivity that contributes to this       would prove unrealistic. Such        evils seems only fitting as we
Institute      presented     ‘Black   distancing the responsibility to                                        alienation? Posted upon the           information, though anecdotal,       approach a month of cultural
World’ exploring the history,         enact it from his own hands.                                            CUSU forum board is the quota-        paints an intolerant and             events dedicated to a celebra-
                                                                                                              tion: “I’ve been in Cambridge         depressingly ignorant picture of     tion of the courage to do

evolution and cultural impact of          t seems fair then that Robin
black cinema; and Renaissance             Sivalapan, an enthusiastic                                          for nearly four years now, and        a university that is supposedly      exactly that.
One, an independent agency in             actor while studying at                                             when I’m out in the city, I defi-     working to attract and admit a
London set up to promote poets        Cambridge, explained to Varsity                                         nitely get more racist abuse          greater number of ethnic minor-      Due to a production error beyond
and novelists, is currently lead-     what he felt was a “vicious                                             shouted at me now than I did          ity students.                        Varsity’s control, the above article
                                                                                                              four years ago. I find Cambridge         I don’t need to gaze up at a      did not consistently appear on
ing the ‘Bittersweet Tour’,           cycle” of inaction within the                                                                                                                      page 16 of last week’s issue.
which brings together the finest      world of Cambridge theatre:                                             to be an increasingly hostile         black face every time I visit the

                     Jo Mountain and Laura Draper ask: Are there enough opportunities for Costume Design in Cambridge?
                                                   With at least 5 the-     cations    are    posted     on   ‘Costume Designer’, but this          If the thought of working alone      wardrobes, and if that isn’t
                                                    atres hosting stu- and also          depends on the director and the       is too scary, larger shows like      enough, there are charity shops
                                                    dent productions        sent out to the techies list,     play. Some directors already          the Pantomime at the end of          all over Cambridge, especially
                                                      every week and        which you can join by e-mailing   have a set image of the exact         the Michaelmas term have a           on Mill Road and on Burleigh
                                                       around 15 dra-       s   o   c    -   a   d    c   -   costumes they want, so they           team of ‘seamstresses’ who           Street by the Grafton Centre.
                                                       matic societies,          reel off a list of clothes for you    share the load.                         Jo and Laura have both done
                                                               costume      Normally an interview is          to find, whereas others focus on         As for where to find cos-         costumes for a number of
                                                         designers are      required but experience isn’t     the broad concept of the design       tumes,       County       Drama      shows in Cambridge, and
                                                             constantly     always essential as long as       and let you take it from there.       Wardrobe on Gwydir Street has        worked together on the cos-
                                                                     in     you’re interested and know           It is a big job, but one really    a huge range from period to          tume design for ‘Macbeth: the
                                                              demand.       how to use a needle and thread.   great thing is that, apart from       ethnic, which they hire out for      Hour’, returning from the
                                                               Adverts        Sometimes the role is more      the odd meeting here and there,       a fortnight at a time. Homerton,     Edinburgh Fringe to the ADC
                                                            for appli-      ‘Wardrobe Supervisor’ than        you can do it in your own time.       Christ’s and Darwin all have         this week.
32 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05
                                                                                                                                                                                                07.10.05           Listings          Varsity           33

                                                                                                           Cat on a Hot Tin Roof                            Ardol O’Hanlon
                                                                                                                                                            New stand-up show from the star of
                                                                                                           Tennessee Williams’ Pullitzer-prize              Father Ted and My Hero.
                                                                                                           winning play.
                                                                                                           ADC, 7.45pm, £5-£8, Tuesday 11th October         The Corn Exchange, 7:30pm, £17.50,
                                                                                                                                                            Wednesday 12th October
                                                                                                           until Saturday 15th

                                                                                                                                                            Once On This Island
                                                                                                           Suddenly Last Summer                             A calypso musical.
                                                                                                           Williams’ darkest work.                          APU Mumford Theatre, 7:30pm, £6.50 NUS,
                                                                                                           ADC, 11pm £3-£5, Wednesday 12th October          Thursday 6th October until Saturday 8th
                                                                                                           until Saturday 15th

                                                                                                           The Real Thing                                   Bouncers
                                                       Macbeth: The Hour                                                                                    Comedy exploring the 80’s nightclub
 Dave King                                             Shakespeare’s tragedy in sixty min-
                                                       utes, back from Edinburgh.
                                                                                                           Tom Stoppard’s marriage comedy
                                                                                                           (left).                                          scene.
                                                                                                                                                            APU Mumford Theatre, 7.30pm, £9.50/8,
                                                                                                           Cambridge Arts Theatre, 7:45pm, £10 NUS,
                                                       ADC, 7:30pm, £4/5, until Saturday 8th October       until Saturday 8th October                       Monday 10th October until Wednesday 12th
More great gigs than you could
possibly go to this week.The                           The Threepenny Opera                                The Winter’s Tale                                Radio Play
weekend kicks off on Friday                            Brecht’s bawdy musical, also back                   All-male ensemble performance of
night with Klashnekoff at Clare                                                                            Shakespeare’s passionate and                     One performer, many characters,
Cellars, and past experience                           from Edinburgh.                                                                                      live Jazz, comedy and film. Part of
                                                       ADC, 9pm, £4/5, until Saturday 8th October          haunting play.
suggests this will be a rowdy                                                                              Cambridge Arts Theatre, various times and        This Way Up Arts Festival.
night, as one of the UK’s most                         under the blue, blue moon                           prices, Tuesday 11th October until Saturday      The Junction, 8pm, £8/5, Tuesday 11th and
exciting rappers works the                                                                                 15th
                                                       The Footlights Tour show.                                                                            Wednesday 12th October
crowd up in to such a frenzy the                       ADC, 11pm, £4/5, until Saturday 8th October
walls will shake. For those who
like to see upcoming bands, the
Unsigned Bands Night at
Selwyn will showcase some new

talent including local band                                                                                Night Watch (18) 10.50                                                                              Pride And Prejudice (U)
Sleepwalker. If you fancy some-                        Arts Picturehouse                                   Wedding Crashers (15) 11.00                      Tuesday 11th October                               2.20, 6.45
thing completely different, The                                                                            Frankenstein (U) 10.40                           Night Watch (18)                                   History Of Violence (18)
Trachtenburg Family                                    Friday 7th October
                                                       Night Watch (18)                                                                                     1.45, 4.15, 6.45, 9.15                             2.00, 9.15
Slideshow Players at the                                                                                   Sunday 9th October                               Pride And Prejudice (U)                            Howl’s Moving Castle (U)
Junction take old slides found at                      1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.30
                                                       Pride And Prejudice (U)                             Night Watch (18)                                 3.30, 6.20                                         12.00, 4.00, 6.30, 9.00
car boot sales and use them as                                                                             1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.30                           History Of Violence (18)
a back drop for a musical come-                        1.00, 3.30, 8.30
                                                                                                           Pride And Prejudice (U)                          2.00, 8.45
dy show which has got them                             History Of Violence (18)
                                                                                                           1.00, 3.30, 8.30                                 Howl’s Moving Castle (U)                           College Films
gushing reviews from New York                          2.00, 6.30, 8.45
                                                       Howl’s Moving Castle (U)                            History Of Violence (18)                         4.00
to London.                                                                                                 2.00, 6.30, 8.45                                 All About Eve (U)                                  Christ’s
   If you recover from all that in                     4.00, 6.00                                                                                                                                              Team America: World Police
                                                       Late Shows:                                         Howl’s Moving Castle (U)                         9.15
time, Saturday cranks the pace                                                                             4.00, 6.00                                                                                          Sunday 9th October 8:30 and10pm
up yet further. People organised                       Night Watch (18) 10.50
                                                       Wedding Crashers (15) 11.00                         Repertory:                                       Wednesday 12th October
enough to have ticket will be                                                                              Taking Sides (15)                                Night Watch (18)                                   John’s
enjoying Bloc Party at the Corn                        Frankenstein (U) 10.40                                                                                                                                  Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
                                                                                                           12.00                                            1.45, 4.15, 6.45, 9.15
Exchange. For the rest of us, the                                                                                                                           Pride And Prejudice (U)                            Sunday 9th of October 2005 7pm &
Junction hosts two different                           Saturday 8th October                                                                                                                                    10pm
                                                       Night Watch (18)                                    Monday 10th October                              1.00, 3.30, 6.45
events which both look exciting.                                                                           Night Watch (18)                                 History Of Violence (18)
Anyone who likes to feel their                         1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.30
                                                       Pride And Prejudice (U)                             1.45, 4.15, 6.45, 9.15                           2.00, 9.15
ribs shake to a filthy bass should                                                                         Pride And Prejudice (U)                          Howl’s Moving Castle (U)
head over to Warning for                               1.00, 3.30, 8.30
                                                       History Of Violence (18)                            1.00, 3.30, 8.30                                 4.00, 6.30, 9.00
Cambridge’s largest d’n’b night,                                                                           History Of Violence (18)
featuring Shy FX, Fabio, Zinc,                         2.00, 6.30, 8.45
                                                       Howl’s Moving Castle (U)                            2.00, 6.30, 8.45                                 Thursday 13th October
and Swift among others.                                                                                    Howl’s Moving Castle (U)                         Night Watch (18)
Alternatively the                                      4.00, 6.00
                                                       Late Shows:                                         4.00, 6.00                                       1.45, 4.15, 6.45, 9.15 2nd
Birthday event should have
some of the best local acts on
  On Sunday, Ladytron at APU

will be displaying their electro-                                                                          Coveney: Island Identity in Misthu Austin: Batik
pop moves and showing why
they have managed to get such
                                                                                                           the Fens and Currency in A show of textiles that proves there
an obsessive following. The
                                                                                                           Africa                      really is more to batik than tie-dying.
                                                                                                           Two of several small exhibitions in              Clare Hall, free entry, 23rd September until 9th
often controversial but always                                                                             the Andrews exhibition gallery that              October
unique Radio 1 DJ Tim                                                                                      explore the extensive reserve collec-
Westwood at the Soul Tree will
be pumping out floor filling hip
                                                                                                           tions of the museum.                             The Antarctic Photographs
hop and maybe some gun shot                                                                                Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology,          of Herbert Ponting
sound effects. After public
                                                                                                           free entry, 19th September Until 1st December    Photographs taken from the original                Life, ritual and immortality:
demand the Sunday Wish List                            Ways of Living
                                                                                                                                                            negatives of the intrepid photogra-                Eating and Drinking in
slot sees the return of the                            Contemporary sculpture from
                                                                                                           The Real Madagascar                              pher who accompanied Scott's
                                                                                                                                                            expedition to the Antarctic in 1910-
Scrath Perverts at the Fez who                                                                             An exploration of the                                                                               Special display of Chinese bronze,
                                                       four internationally renowned artists.              flora and fauna of the strange island            1914 (right).                                      jade and ceramic vessels used for
will be showing off their turntable                    Each exhibit explores the relation-                                                                  Scott-Polar Research Institute, free entry, 1st
skills and making people throw                                                                             of Madagascar, from pre-history to               September until 31st March 2006                    rituals and daily life
                                                       ship between art and life (above).                  the present day.                                                                                    Fitzwilliam Museum, 4th October - 3rd January
down their best moves on the                                                                                                                                                                                   2006, free entry
                                                       Kettle’s Yard, free entry, 1st October until 20th
dance floor.                                           November                                            Museum of Zoology, free entry, 19th July until
                                                                                                                                                            Being and Not Being Black
                                                                                                           24th December
   After that weekend everyone                                                                                                                              Part of Black History Month in                     Drawn to Africa
should be throughly exhausted,
but if anyone still has the cash                       Cambridge Illuminations                             Naini                                            Cambridge, curated by Hakim                        Workshops including African fabric
                                                       The largest and most comprehensive                  This one woman show explores the                 Onitolo.                                           painting, Sona sand drawing, Kente
and enthusiasm This Modern                                                                                                                                                                                     cloths and African Indigo dye draw-
Love at Po Na Na will carry on                         exhibition of illuminated manuscripts               an Indian artist’s output since she              Artspace Gallery, free entry, 4th October until
                                                                                                                                                            26th October                                       ing.
where the anarchic Piss Up                             including ten centuries’ worth from                 arrived in England in 1992.
                                                                                                                                                                                                               Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology,
Look Sharp left off, not forgetting                    Cambridge collections.                              New Hall, free entry, 10th September until 9th   Currency In Africa                                 selected dates throughout October and
                                                                                                           October                                          Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, 19th       November, free
singer songwriter Brendon                              Fitzwilliam Museum, free entry, 26th July until
                                                       11th December                                                                                        Sept - 1st March 2006, free entry
Benson at the Junction.

The Trachtenberg                  Warning                            Freshen Up                             Queen Adreena                          This Modern Love                     Rumboogie                            International Student
Family Slideshow                  drum’n’bass with Shy FX,           fresher’s ent with Tim                 goth dreams                            indie, electro, grime                the student magnet                   Night
Players                           Fabio, Zinc, and others            Westwood and DJs from                  7pm £9                                 8-12 £2                              9-2 £4 NUS                           na zdravje!
wonderful pop-comedy              11pm £3                            This Modern Love and                   The Junction                           Po Na Na                             Ballare                              9-2 £4
8pm £10                           The Junction                       Spunkyfunk                                                                                                                                              Ballare
The Junction                                                         9-2 £8                                 Fat Poppadaddy’s                       Bad Timing                           MOBO student tour
                                         The Soul Tree                          the ‘alternative’ alternative          with Kevin Blechdom                  with Sway live                       Ministry of Sound
Def Fly and Real                  The Shivers, Sunday driv-                                                 9-2:30 £2 NUS                          8:30 £4 NUS                          9-2 £5                               it’s all gone Pete Tong
Klashnekoff and Terra             er and others                      Ladytron                               Fez                                    The Portland Arms                    Soul Tree                            10-2 £8
Firma                             7:30 £5                            beautiful electropop                                                                                                                                    The Junction
9-1 £4                            The Junction                       8pm £12                                International Student                  Top Banana
Clare Cellars                                                        APU                                    Night                                  CUSU’s weekly                                                             Urbanite
                                  The Indie Thing                                                           pohjanmaan kautta!                     fruit-market                                                              with beatboxer Faith SFX
Generator                         sweatier rock and indie            Scratch Perverts                       9:30-2 £5                              9-2 £4 NUS                                                                9-2 £3
angular-fringe indie              11pm £3                            dextrous hip hop DJs                   Life                                   Ballare                                                                   Soul Tree
9:30-2 £3                         Kambar                             9-2:30 £6
Kambar                                                               Fez                                                                           Unique
                                  Bloc Party                                                                School Days                            LBG night
Unsigned Bands                    rock genius                        Sunday Roast                           ‘free entry in school                  9:30-1
Night                             8pm sold out                       the opposite of church                 uniform’                               £4
hip hop for townsfolk             Corn Exchange                      9-1 £4 NUS                             9:30-2 £5
7:30pm £4                                                            Life                                   Ballare
Selwyn Bar

fri                              sat                                sun                                    mon                                    tue                                  wed                                  thu
 CAMBRIDGEEYE.COM                                                                                                                                           YOUR WEEKLY GUIDE TO GOING OUT IN CAMBRIDGE
                                                                                                                                                                                                   next-day gig reviews on
34 Varsity Advertisement 07.10.05
07.10.05 Advertisement Varsity 35
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Sam Smiley
36 Varsity Box Ads & Classifieds 07.10.05

       HATS PRESENTS                    AUDITION NOTICE
                                             ‘CAMERA                                          AUDITION NOTICE
 GEOGRAPHY OF A                                                                                      ‘DEAD FUNNY’
 HORSE DREAMER                               OBSCURA’
                                                                                                        by Terry Johnson
     by Sam Shepard                        by Ned Beauman
                                                                                        Corpus Playroom mainshow
                                            ADC Lateshow Week 5                                                                                                                                                              68 Trumpington Street

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Special Offer
              Auditions:                                                                            Week 5
 Sat 8th: Chetwynd Rm, King’s, 1-4pm                                                    Green Room, Gonville & Caius
                                          Winstanley Lecture Theatre,
  Sun 9th: Keynes Hall, King’s, 2-5pm                                                    1pm - 3pm on Saturday 7th
                                                 Trinity College
                                                                                        3pm - 6pm on Sunday 9th Oct.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                Free Large Filter Coffee
      MALE ACTORS ONLY                  Saturday 8th October 10am-2pm
                                                                                           Email trak2 for more info
        Info: iw224 / sap49             Sunday 9th October 11am-3pm

                                                                                                                               AUDITIONS                                                                         or Tea with any filled
                                                                                                                                                                                                                product before 10.30am.
    1. Anthology of Chinese Literary Essays                                                           by Stephen Belber
            (translated to English)                                                                                                                                                                                           available from 11.00am

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Only £1.50
                                                                                       Saturday 8th October: 9-12, 3-6
          2. The Philosophy of Mechanics                                                  Sunday 9th October: 9-3                                                  Green Room, Gonville & Caius
                                                                                       Any Queries:

                                                                                                                                                                                                                 THE EUROPEAN THEATRE GROUP (ETG)
            ANGELA HEWITT -                                                                              Bats and King’s Rats
                                                                                                                               AUDITIONS                                                                        will be holding AUDITIONS for their 2005/6 tour show
               PIANIST                                                                                                                                                                                    for
                                                                                         ‘PAPER FLOWERS’                                                                                                         THE TAMING OF THE SHREW
                       In Concert                                                                                                by Egon Wolff                                                                     Saturday 8th & Sunday 9th October, 10am - 6pm
       7.30pm, Friday 14th October 2005                                                     Saturday 8th October: 10-3                                                                                                 ‘The Room on R’, Sidney Sussex College
 at West Road Concert Hall, Cambridge                                                        Sunday 9th October: 12-4
                                                                                            Munby Room, King’s College                                                                                                Gothic extremities.Violins. Fairytales. Jagged Glass.
                                                                                            Contact es333 for more info
          Bach: French Suite no.3 BWV 814                                                                                                                                                                                 Ruffs and knee-high boots. Europe 2005.
            Beethoven: Sonata op 10 no.3
             Chopin: 3 Mazurkas op 50                                               CLASSIFIEDS: HATS Presents UK Premiere of Pasolini’s ORGY - Week 4, Playroom Lateshow.
                      3 waltzes                                                     Auditions: O Staircase, Supervision Room, Pembroke College 08/10/05 and 09/10/05, 11AM - 3PM.
                    Scherzo no. 2                                                   Model 4 artists! £11 ph. Interesting, occasional work 4 m&f. Find out more: 01223 571816
                                                                           Models Required: for life drawing, £11 per hour (inexperienced models are wel-
                                                                                    come). Contact: Mr Kourbaj, Visual Art Centre, Christ’s College. Email:
   Tickets £20, £15, £10 [under 13s, OAPS, restricted view seats]                                                Don’t forget to come to the VARSITY SQUASH! See the ad for details.
          Please send an SAE and cheque made payable to
                                                                    You can do lots of things in a box! From £20!

          ‘King’s College School Development Appeal’ to:
                                                                                                        Tell everyone about your event, audition, special occasion, ent, bop. Anything you like really.
                                                                                                         Just pop into our offices (11-12 Trumpington Street, above CUSU) before 3pm on Monday

    The Development Office, King’s College School, West Rd.,
                       Cambridge CB3 9DN
            Tel: 01223 472016

      Working for friendly people to promote

        products in the UK’s biggest retailer.

        Promotions experience great but not

 essential. We’ll provide training, you provide

                      a positive attitude.

         Work available across East Anglia.

   Call Catherine Bruce on 0207 071 1444 or

                     email your details to

07.10.05 Advertisement Varsity 37
38 Varsity Sport 07.10.05

Rugby league faux-pas in France
Varsity winners go down 32-26 to French University Champions in Paris
Jonny Lloyd

      ast weekend the University’s
      growing rugby league squad                                                                                                                                                            A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF
      flew out to Paris to face Nanterre
University in the first annual fixture                                                                                                                                                      Lilie Weaver - University
pitting the winners of the Varsity
match against the cream of French                                                                                                                                                           Womens Rowing trialist
student rugby league. CUARLFC
enjoyed a thrilling win over Oxford
last March and the last minute victo-
ry so impressed the French side that
                                                                                                                                                                                            monday Work keeps me busy
                                                                                                                                                                                            Lie in - fantastic!
an invitation to play soon followed.                                                                                                                                                        during the day and spend the rest of
   Given the rather frenetic nature of                                                                                                                                                      the time not eating brownies and not
this mini-tour, the squad only trained                                                                                                                                                      drinking wine in a friend’s room. This is
for 90 minutes on the morning of the                                                                                                                                                        going to take some getting used to.
match – for some players their first
outing since the Varsity triumph.
Worries that a summer spent packing
boxes in warehouses or lazing on a
                                                                                                                                                                                            tuesdaycrews have been mixed
                                                                                                                                                                                            6am start. the
beach would have dulled skills were                                                                                                                                                         up again, so we’re trying to learn to
unfounded however, with the morn-                                                                                                                                                           row together. We’re done by 8:30am
ing’s training revealing a remarkably                                                                                                                                                       and I can’t see how I’m going to stay
well-drilled and composed side.                                                                                                                                                             awake during my 9ams this year!
   The match itself was surprising:
French sides tend to favour a very
loose style of play – throwing the ball
around early in the tackle-count, tak-
                                                                                                                                                                                            wednesday is an ergo
                                                                                                                                                                                            Today’s evening session
ing risks with the wide pass and often                                                                                                                                                      [rowing machine] at Goldie boathouse.
running on the fifth tackle. Nanterre,                                                                                                                                                      Then we have the pleasure of our first
bolstered by a fantastic Kiwi play-                                                                                                                                                         weigh-in and fat test. The female light-
maker, seemed to take a more Anglo-                                                                                                                                                         weights have to weigh 59kg by the
Saxon approach by steadily making                                                                                                                                                           boat races in March. I weigh 63.5 kg,
hard yards up the middle coupled                                                                                                                                                            which leaves four and a half to go -
with a conservative kicking game.                                                                                                                                                           back to the salads and bowls of Fruit
The French side, with a month’s                                                                                                                                                             and Fibre then...
training under their belt, executed
their plan with confidence and took
an early lead.
   The Cambridge back-three strug-
                                                                                                                                                                                            thursday the sunrise over the
                                                                                                                                                                                            I try to appreciate
gled admirably to cope with this pre-                                                                                                                                                       Cam, but it’s shining inconveniently
cision kicking, and all too often the                                                                                                                                                       right in my eyes, and my legs hurt. The
boys in blue were forced to run from                                                                                                                                                        worst blisters and sore patches are
well within their own twenty.                                                                                                                                                               covered up by rolls of hockey-stick
   Faced with such an unusual French                                                                                                                                                        tape, which makes the whole squad
attack, Cambridge responded with                                                                                                                                                            look like a bunch of mummies.
some ferocious and destructive                Cambridge push for win but fall just short in Paris
defence around the ruck area. The
first 40 minutes echoed some of the
tenacity shown by the great
                                               At half time the score was 18-14 to
                                             Nanterre. Although they were trail-
                                                                                             entertaining the hundreds in the
                                                                                             crowd and thousands watching on
                                                                                                                                             Warriors        Academy,
                                                                                                                                             Broncos/Harlequins Academy and
                                                                                                                                                                             London         friday another week, nominally,
                                                                                                                                                                                            The end of
Cambridge rugby league teams of the          ing, a solo try from Bobby Forrest late         French television. The Cambridge                Warrington Wizards. While these                anyway. In honour of this, I have two
mid-eighties. Chairman of CUARLFC,           in the first half had given Cambridge           players could not be faulted for their          high profile matches are very impor-           outings, then fall asleep. Pretty much
Martin Woodcock, a player in three           momentum. The second half saw                   attitude, with most barely able to              tant in the club’s Varsity preparation,        the same as every other day then!
mid-eighties       Varsity      matches      Cambridge lose a forward following a            walk off the pitch at the end of the            the focus is undoubtedly on the
remarked: “I was particularly                bruising tackle. Old boy Bobby                  game. Nevertheless, largely thanks to           BUSA league and cup.
impressed by the way in which
Cambridge kept their cool and did not
                                             Forrest, aided by Fitzwilliam stalwart
                                             David Bulley, continued his charac-
                                                                                             an unavoidable lack of match prepa-
                                                                                             ration Cambridge eventually lost 32-
                                                                                                                                                With a squad of players committed
                                                                                                                                             to the game both on and off the field
                                                                                                                                                                                            saturday ill, hoping it’s just a
                                                                                                                                                                                            Wake up feeling quite
allow their frustration to lead to con-      teristically unselfish game, taking the         26.                                             as well as further tours to the south of       lack of sleep. We only have one outing
ceding penalties, which should               ball up at every opportunity and forc-             This season, the club will again             France and the USA planned, the ren-           this morning, but it’s not very good. Our
always be a key aim for Cambridge            ing repeated line breaks.                       take on some serious opposition, with           aissance of CUARLFC looks secure.              concentration goes fairly quickly, fol-
teams”.                                        The tries were scored at both ends,           matches confirmed against Wigan                                                                lowed by our technique and general abil-
                                                                                                                                                                                            ity to row. Have the afternoon off, so go
                                                                                                                                                                                            to find my college children.

Why don’t we have a pool?                                                                                                                                                                   sundayoff with our racing pieces.
                                                                                                                                                                                            The day starts
                                                                                                                                                                                            We manage to knock a massive eight
                                             Loughborough, Warwick, London,                  a long time and a new injection of enthu-       technical note, a 50m pool would provide       seconds off our time on the second
                                             Bristol,     Southampton,         Bradford,     siasm, publicity or perhaps more impor-         the opportunity for water polo to be           piece, giving us the win overall. An
Sophie Pickford                              Aberystwyth, Chester and – wait for it –        tantly, money, must be the order of the         played double-deep. Currently players are      exhausting, but enjoyable and rewarding

  n 1892 the Cambridge Review observed       De Montfort, but somehow the gleaming           day. In the meantime the University             forced to scrabble around in a pool that is
  that ‘a swimming bath is now begin-        spires and hallowed halls of our interna-       swimming and water polo clubs continue          too narrow, too short and too shallow, try-
  ning to be considered as a necessity in    tionally renowned establishment have yet        to use the Leys School pool for the most of     ing desperately not to touch the bottom, a
most of our large public schools’.           to house such a facility.                       their training, one of the University’s less    particular embarrassment when visiting
Consequently, the article continues, ‘it        To be fair to the University, plans for a    fine traditions stretching back to 1906.        teams come for matches. It is a mark of
seems strange that we are still without      £38 million sports centre with a sports         Parkside is also sometimes used, though         the dedication of both University swim-
one.’ This astute commentator of 113         hall, squash and tennis courts, 50m pool        the prohibitively high costs of hiring this     mers and polo players in the face of these
years ago could, sadly, just as well have    and sports science centre are underway;         council-run pool as well as with its limit-     adverse conditions that they regularly
been writing this week, for the travesty     architectural models have been built, a         ed availability severely restricts use by the   beat Oxford in the Varsity matches and         Win a ‘world cinema collection’, a
continues – Cambridge University has no      site chosen and fundraising has begun.          University club. Every year thousands of        reach the BUSA finals.                         full set of 10 DVDs. World Cinema
                                                                                                                                                                                            Collection is available to buy from
pool. Bath has one, as do, amongst others,   But, as with the fabled Cambridge rowing        pounds of student subs are being spent on          Yet, these are not the arguments that       Pathe Distribution Ltd on 26th
the Universities of Oxford, Nottingham,      lake, this has all been going on for rather     booking these facilities – money that           will ultimately win over the University,       September 2005. Thanks to
                                                                                             would surely be better spent running the        and it is to them that we must primarily
                                                                                             University’s own pool.                          appeal. Efforts are being made to raise
                                                                                                                                                                                                                           S PL A AN

                                                                                                The sports complex envisaged by the          funds (for that we are grateful) but the
                                                                                             powers that be would place Cambridge at         dominance of individually wealthy col-
                                                                                             the very top of its field in the country in     leges and the lack of a powerful, cen-
                                                                                             terms of sporting facilities. Shockingly, the   tralised body makes raising money for              SO                                                  LH
                                                                                             UK has in total only nineteen 50m pools.        these sorts of projects extremely difficult.              GH
                                                                                             The 2012 Olympics build a further 50m              In Oxford’s case it was an individual
                                                                                                                                                                                                               UD                       H
                                                                                             facility for London, but often buildings        donor. As one of the world’s leading
                                                                                             erected for such large events result in the     Universities, Cambridge should take more                                  Y                  TP
                                                                                                                                                                                                                           C I E ET S

                                                                                             closure of other, smaller pools for financial   immediate, personal responsibility for the                            E                           M
                                                                                                                                                                                                               R                                   C
                                                                                             reasons. The Cambridge University pool          building of a pool. Its absence suggests                      A                                           P
                                                                                             would become a focal point for swimming         that Cambridge takes little interest in the               E
                                                                                             and water polo in the East of England, it       well-rounded scholar, something that will
                                                                                             could host major competitions and pro-          only increase the rate of the ‘brain drain’
                                                                                             vide a cheap means of exercise for the          to the States and to other UK universities.                                                       (c) Adam Edelshain

                                                                                             University population as a whole. Even          Perhaps it is this more academic argument      Re-arrange the letters by rotating the
                                                                                             with a city leisure card the price of a sin-    that the University will finally respond to.   discs to create six seperate six-letter
                                                                                             gle swim at Parkside is £2.20, similar to                                                      words leading in to the centre.
Kelsey Kerridge Swimming Pool                                                Jamie Marland   the cost of a college canteen meal. On a                                                       Email your answer to: competitions@
                                                                                                                                                                                                       07.10.05 Sport Varsity 39

Boxing the new Boat Race?
Boxing legend and CUABC Patron Chris Eubank talks to Adam Edelshain
        ut of the blue Chris Eubank               ciate the mental side of the game. “I
        offered to help the university’s          don’t do commentary or what I call
        amateur boxers by honing their            analysing as most people only under-
mental toughness. The top boxer                   stand the basics, but at Cambridge they
became the team’s patron in December
2004 and advised them before last
                                                  seem to appreciate the higher learning
                                                  in the sport. I thought, yes, this I can
                                                                                                                                                                                                        Channel Hopper
year’s Varsity fight.                             do. I’m speaking to people who under-
   His record is impressive: world cham-          stand a higher learning, so when I’ve                                                                                                                  The right thing to do when you have
pion for five and a half years, changed           given mental seminars…I had a captive                                                                                                                  just got home a bit drunk at one in the
up a weight division, then won a sec-             audience.”                                                                                                                                             morning is to have a glass of water
ond world title, which he defended for               “The way I approach mental warfare                                                                                                                  and a long pee and then fall into bed.
a record 19 consecutive fights. Eubank            in the four cornered circle has always                                                                                                                 I know this. Nevertheless I am not
attributes that success ‘almost exclu-            been through experience and for me, the                                                                                                                asleep. I am watching Quiz Nation.
sively’ to his mental toughness. Passing          physical fight itself is not to be considered                                                                                                          (And, apparently, using the dramatic
on these tips may have made a differ-             as important as the mental preparation.                                                                                                                present. Crikey.) The names of a
ence in Varsity boxing - Cambridge won            Once you’ve prepared you cannot fail. As                                                                                                               SINGER AND SONG are on screen
their fourth consecutive match against            the saying goes ‘If you fail to prepare,                                                                                                               except they are missing some crucial
Oxford with an emphatic 9-0 white-                then prepare to fail.’ I spoke to [the                                                                                                                 letters, so that they read xEYxNCx
wash in March.                                    Cambridge boxers] about body language                                                                                                                  KNxxLxS “CxxZx Ix LxVx”.
   The former world middle-weight                 and confidence. It’s all about confi-                                                                                                                     That’s Beyonce Knowles, Crazy In
champion and television personality               dence.”                                                                                                                                                Love, I say to no-one in particular.
rarely commentates on the sport any-                 But when passing on his tips the man                                                                                                                Then there’s a sound effect of a
more and many assumed he was glad to              with all the confidence showed little con-                                                                                                             ’phone ringing and the well-scrubbed
see the back of what he once called the           cern for a sport on the ropes.                                                                                                                         young man on screen says “Caller,
‘mug’s game’. So Varsity sparred with the            Two deaths in three month have made                                                                                                                 you’re through to Quiz Nation, what’s
39 year-old pugilist turned professor of          safety a concern for boxers and the pub-                                                                                                               your name?” And the caller says his
boxing as he skipped through the sport,           lic. Professional fighters Leavander                                                                                                                   name is John, and then he says the
higher-learning and his plans.                    Johnson and Martin Sanchez died this                                                                                                                   answer is Beyonce Knowles, Crazy In
   “Philip Bonn [a friend] thought it             year due to injuries sustained in the ring.                                                                                                            Love, and the presenter, who (it will
would be a good idea, having been                 Despite these recent fatalities Eubank                                                                                                                 later emerge) is called Tim Dixon, says
schooled at Cambridge, and under-                 was adamant that at university level                                                                                                                   “Is it right…” and there’s a brief pause
standing my background in intelligence            there was ‘no risk whatsoever’. He indi-                                                                                                               and then the letters fill in and John has
and higher learning, of what boxing is            cated that at the top level of almost all                                                                                                              won 50 quid! And he’s obviously
about.” Though lacking a university               sports there were accidental deaths.            An always picture perfect Eubank                                                 Michael Derringer     much, much drunker than I am!
education Eubank feels that his experi-              “In sports accidents will always hap-        Watson, who fell into a 40-day coma after        thing about that’ and added that he had                  This makes me sit up a bit. I concen-
ence can be useful to those who appre-            pen. A few weeks ago there was a death          the fight.                                       more ideas to make the centenary Varsity              trate. Another puzzle has appeared.
                                                  in the Tour de France, horseracing has             A second problem is the state of the          fight ‘as big as the rugby and the rowing’.           PHRASE, it says at the top: NURKD
                                                  deaths every now and again, Formula 1,          female sport, which has low turnouts                Elevating the centenary Varsity match              SA A DOLR. “This is the first puzzle of

 fact file                                        even football – Marc-Vivian Foé just
                                                  dropped down dead on the pitch.”
                                                     “Of course it concerns me, but with
                                                                                                  at fights and poor pay for fighters.
                                                                                                  Eubank says this is due to a lack of
                                                                                                  top quality female boxers. “Supply is
                                                                                                                                                   in the sporting calendar is one of
                                                                                                                                                   Eubank’s main objectives and hopefully
                                                                                                                                                   Cambridge, with Eubank’s support will
                                                                                                                                                                                                         many to come before 2am”, Tim says.
                                                                                                                                                                                                         “Call if you haven’t fallen asleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                         Danny, where are you? Call back,
 Name: Chris Eubank                               the standard of [university] boxing             going to be rather limited simply                win the 2007 bout. Perhaps his ambitions              Danny, get yourself another £100.”
 Born: 1956, Dulwich                              and even the heavyweight division               because as human beings women are                are fuelled by the recent break down of               Crikey, I think. Who’s this Danny? And
 Boxing Career:                                   which was quite fierce, it is going to          commissioned to be dainty and deli-              his marriage to wife, Karron, who left the            why should he get all the fun?
 WBO Middleweight champion,                       be pretty safe. It isn’t professional, it’s     cate. We are now in the 21st century             family home in August. He is determined                  No, I reason. Don’t be stupid. It’s
 WBO Supermiddleweight champion                   amateur boxing. It takes many years             and also the fact that women are                 to make the centenary of the Varsity box-             obviously a scam. Then the ringing
 Record: 19 defences of his title                 to learn how to punch with devastat-            more involved is a good thing as it              ing match a big event, but it also appears            sound effect blares out again. It’s John
 Alias: Simply the best                           ing consequences.                               brings a different audience.”                    that there are one or two other projects              from earlier.      “John!” cries Tim,
 Favourite fight: vs Nigel Benn                      The risks of boxing are well-known to           Chris Eubank, who bought the title            being worked on at present.                           besides himself with glee; “Good to
 Boxer of all time: Mohammed Ali                  Eubank. In 1991 he fought Michael               Lord of the Manor of Brighton, is such a            “I have a boxing product which I’m                 hear from you! What’s the answer?”
 Current boxer: Amir Khan                                                                         gentleman that he worries that his               launching and I have a very big project               John is quiet for a moment. “I don’t
 Restaurant:                                     “No one has ever                                 coaching gives Cambridge an advantage.           that I’m working on. Cambridge could                  really have a clue, mate,” he finally
                                                                                                                                                                                                         manages. Tim looks tense. “It’s four
 The Ivy, London                                                                                  “It isn’t quite fair for me to have the          actually be a part of this, but I can’t say
 Food: West Indian                               knocked me out; a                                experience that I have and that I’ve             anymore about this at the moment.”                    words, John,” he says, “Four words,”
                                                                                                                                                                                                         and just as he’s saying four words for
 Philosophy:                                                                                      passed on and for them [Oxford] not to              Eubank recently started working with
 Common sense                                    shotgun couldn’t                                 have anybody of equal status who can             East Anglia Children’s Hospices. He                   the second time John says “How
                                                                                                                                                                                                         many words is it?” Tim, to his credit,
 Song:                                                                                            give them pointers.”                             hopes to raise money for EACH through
 Bob Marley, Stir it Up                          keep me down!”                                      Such a disparity not being entirely           the Varsity match and the Cambridge                   doesn’t miss a beat. “It’s four words,
                                                                                                                                                                                                         John,” he confidently replies. John
                                                                                                  ‘fair-play’ Eubank says he will ‘do some-        boxers.
                                                                                                                                                                                                         mulls this over, and then, in a bright
                                                                                                                                                                                                         voice, ventures: “One of them’s defi-
                                            1      2         3          4         5         6        7
                                                                                                                     Across                                   Down                                       nitely DARK.” Tim winces. I wince.
sport in brief                      8                                                                            9
                                                                                                                     1. It’s tedious to make Eastern
                                                                                                                     string in tune (13)
                                                                                                                                                              2. Void I fed one into to be invali-
                                                                                                                                                              dated (9)
                                                                                                                                                                                                         John winces too, I expect, if his eye
                                                                                                                                                                                                         muscles are still working.
                                    10                                                      11                       10. What the dark side think of the      3. He prophesied human                        The hotlines are thrown open again,
                                                                                                                     light? (9)                               destruction (5)                            and now I am sorely tempted. No-one
Cricket:                                                                                                             11. Command for headless, con-           4. Came in as reed net failed (7)          calls. Tim does the TV presenter’s
Freshers’ cricket trials will be                                                                                     fused Leftie (5)                         5. Receding waters swept                   equivalent of treading water. “If you’re
held on Nov 12th, 19th and          12                                  13                                           12. Hatred sparked when I’m              Debbie away with Tim’s head (7)            still awake you’re in with a chance,” he
26th from 11am - 1pm. Book                                                                                           mixed with duo (5)                       6. Bride’s possessions philoso-            points out, the old tempter; “There’s a
your place at the trials by                                                                                          13. Replace article with interest        pher put on tabletop (9)                   load of cash for you-oo!” Then he
emailing Tom (tes28) listing        14                       15                   16                 17              compounded (9)                           7. Sounds like she’s a low point           sings a snatch of the Bear
name, college and standard!                                                                                          14. Was last partner Edward? (7)         (5)                                        Necessities, I think taking his cue from
                                                                                                                     16. Gull in meadow, confused and         8. Mad to no longer be a rolling           the way he pronounced that last ‘you’.
Tennis:                                                                                                              unending (7)                             stone (13)                                 Then looks down and says “Ooh,
The Womens’ Blues Tennis            18                                  19        20                                 18. Compensation regarding robe          9. Unique place in blearier sur-           what’s that on my foot? Something’s
team won their Varsity match                                                                                         (7)                                      roundings (13)                             gone a bit wet, what’s that?” which is
held during the summer on                                                                                            20. Corrosive accountants is cut         15. Run to the East - simplifies to        the sort of thing you can do on Nation
July 7th and 8th at Queens                                                                                           out (7)                                  that (9)                                   217 at 1.45 am that you can’t on
                                    21             22                                       23
club in London 17-4 against                                                                                          21. Donkey faced queen; old king         17. Well-known that common-                primetime ITV and which Tim will need
Oxford. The score speaks for                                                                                         grabbed it for the pot! (9)              sense with nothing added sub-              to keep an eye on if he’s going to get
itself and the whole team                                                                                            23. Main supply-line for a golden        dues lively riot (9)                       anywhere in this business. And still
played very well.                   24                                  25                                           army? (5)                                19. Ate quickly whilst mocked (7)          no-one calls.
                                                                                                                     24. Nell looks back to the east to       20. Smoke of revolutionary origin             Finally I break. I call. I don’t get
Water Polo:                                                                                                          see her (5)                              (7)                                        through. I try again. I spend about £3.
University water polo trials                                                                                         25. Fools trot foolishly at pouffe (9)   22. Make voles do puzzle (5)               “Where are you all?” Tim plaintively
will be held this Sunday, 9th               26
                                                                                                                     26. Second rites in French dis-          23. Sounds like our lad’s fire-            asks. Then Danny calls back. “Drunk
October at the Leys School                                                                                           played obscurity (13)                    raising (5)            (c) Mathmo          as a Lord”, he confidently pro-
Pool. Ladies trials will take                                                                                                                                                                            nounces. “Danny, you’re a huge win-
place from 11-12.30pm and                                                                                                                                                                                ner!” Tim says. “That money will be
the Men’s from 12.30-2pm.
See for
                                                                  POT BLACK                                                                                                                              with you within three to five working
                                                                                                                                                                                                         days, completely tax free!” I go to bed,
more details and a map.              Instructions:                                                                                                                                                       and forget to drink a glass of water on
                                     Complete the questions in order from red to black. The answer to                                                                                                    the way.
Hockey:                              each ball is integral to the following question.                                                                                                                    This column would not have been
The Blues dominated the                                                                                                                                                                                  possible without Sky Plus.
second half after a tight first                  Which rising British tennis star just broke into the top 100?
and forced Oxford to                                                                                                                                                                                           
                                                 Which national team plays rugby at ‘redball’ field?
concede a penalty which
Jamie Parker scored.                             “Yellowball’s” flag is white and which colour?                                                                                                                   Quiz Nation, Channel 217,
Cambridge held the lead until                                                                                                                                                                                     8am - 2am every day
the last five minutes when                       How many points do you get for potting the ‘greenball’ ball?
their concentration slipped                                                                                                                                                                             For answers to the crossword and Pot
                                                 Which football team have won ‘brownball’ European cups?
and the side conceded two                                                                                                                                                                               Black, contact:
                                                 Who captains ‘blueball’?                                                                                                                                                 competitions
late goals to lose the match                                                                                                                                                                                    
2-1.                                             How old is ‘pinkball’?
     Varsity 07.10.05                           RUGBY UNION                                 RUGBY LEAGUE                                 HOCKEY                                      INVESTIGATION

sport                                           Gown overpower Town
                                                Blues defeat Cambridge City
                                                41-0 at Grange Road
                                                                                            Beaten in French tour
                                                                                            French side Nanterre claim 32-
                                                                                            26 Victory in Paris
                                                                                                                                         Cambridge 1 - 2 Oxford
                                                                                                                                         Cambridge lose after leading in
                                                                                                                                         tight game against Oxford Hawks
                                                                                                                                                                                     Where is our pool?
                                                                                                                                                                                     Special report on the lack of a
                                                                                                                                                                                     university swimming pool


      his year, from late September
      through to the second of April,
      twenty men will train six days a
week for four hours a day in pursuit of
one goal. They will give up their social
life, compromise on work, tear their
hands apart, suffer from back ache, fall
asleep in lectures and run themselves
into the ground, constantly risking
injury and illness. And what for? The
Boat Race. Three short words that will
rule their hearts and minds for the
coming months. But what exactly
makes the blues rowing squad tick? I
met the new blues president Tom
Edwards, who shed some light on this
perplexing question.
   Hailing from Tasmania and researching
a PhD in Medical Genetics, Doctor Tom
breaks the mould of the cranially-chal-
lenged sportsman. His rowing pedigree is
impressive; he has represented Australia
at under-23 level and, crucially, was also
in last year’s defeated Boat Race crew,
something that provides a daily motiva-
tion for this year’s campaign. There is ‘no
hiding’ at CUBC, ‘your personality is
exposed through the toughness of the

“I would love to beat
Oxford in every
single race”
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Andy Sims
process’, you are seen at your best and at

                                                McInroy stars in demolition derby
your worst and this can result in the
deepest of friendships. Earning the
respect of peers both as a person and as a
rower is high on his agenda for the ath-
letes on this year’s programme, an
approach that will provide daily, tangible
stepping stones for the squad members in
                                                 Joe Speight                                Blues thrash lacklustre Cambridge City in 41-0 demolition
a process that can often seem perpetual

and harsh.                                             glance down at the Cambridge         on the part of the latter. Within a quar-   name to the scoresheet. Having been         spectacle. McInroy however sparked
   This attitude of respect and friendship             University teamsheet before this     ter of an hour the scoreboard could         camped out in the City half, Akinluyi       the game into life once again with a
stretches beyond the confines of CUBC to               ‘Town vs Gown’ encounter at          have read Ian McInroy 14-0 Cambridge        was tackled just short of the line having   wonderful run from half-way deep into
the women’s and lightweights’ boat clubs,       Grange Road revealed the scale of the       City. Twice the outside centre ran in to    been thread through by captain Ed           the City twenty-two, popping the ball
who are being permitted this year to use        challenge facing the Blues this season.     convert flowing back moves from the         Carter, but the next phase of attack led    inside for Carter to score the fifth try of
the Goldie boathouse more than ever             Of the fifteen who ran out at               Light Blue outfit. First after just eight   to McInroy sending the ball wide to the     the night. Further scores followed as
before. Tom would ‘love to beat Oxford in       Twickenham for the 2004 Varsity             minutes, a dynamic passage of running       19 year old who bundled the ball over       the forwards decided to get in on the
every single race’ and recognises the           Match, just three started against this      rugby in which both wingers Jo Ansbro       in the corner. The conversion hit the       scoring act, first No.8 Ed Andrews
responsibility the club has for University      second string Cambridge City side.          and Dave Akinluyi ran City ragged the       post but a further seven points took the    grabbed a pushover try following a
rowing as a whole. A coaching course has        Vastly experienced performers such as       ball was popped up for McInroy to           score to 26-0 to the home side at half      rolling maul and substitute Charlie
been set up for college rowers, the devel-      Ben Dormer, Simon Frost, Fergie             sprint in under the posts from fifteen      time following a powerful charge            Desmond’s jinking run eventually
opment squad will continue to run and           Gladstone and Aki Abiola have moved         metres. Shortly afterwards he burst         through the heart of the City defence       resulted in prop Ed Kalman exploiting
trialists will be encouraged to return to       on, as well as coaching legend Dick         through a gap in the line to sidestep       by Alberts, showing great strength to       an overlap to score in the corner.
their colleges for the Mays. It is clear that   Tilley. But despite a disappointing win-    around the static full-back Altus           resist a desperate last ditch challenge        Despite the margin of victory, one
CUBC is truly attempting to perceive the        less tour to Japan during the summer        Laubscher to add a further five points      and slide over the beautifully lush         should not get too carried away with
bigger picture, and is seeking an increased     vacation, the first home game of the        to the University score. McInroy con-       Grange Road pitch to score under the        hope and expectation. This was a very
engagement with the rest of the                 season heralded some hope for the           verted both tries to give his side a dom-   posts.                                      poor City outfit who posed few threats
University’s rowing community.                  Light Blues in their 2005 Varsity con-      inant foothold in the game which was           With the game long since won and         to the University side. Perhaps the most
   Despite this, Tom’s eyes remain firmly       quest.                                      never subsequently challenged.              the opposition challenge dissipating,       notable event of the encounter may
on the final prize of Boat Race glory.             The University side lined up against        The Blues were looking particularly      the second half became fragmented by        prove to be the injury sustained to cap-
Throughout the process he retains a             their city counterparts in the battle for   impressive when passing the ball out        an endless string of substitutions which    tain Ed Carter in the final minutes. He
healthy respect for the opposition, for ‘not    the ‘Trevor Littlechild Cup’ with a         wide, and Ansbro capitalised to add his     killed any lingering hope of an exciting    hobbled off at the final whistle wincing
to do so would be complacent and dan-           number of players injured, but still                                                                                                with pain clutching his left knee. With
gerous.’ The Cambridge squad is certainly       boasted stars such as Nic Alberts and             “Carter hobbled off wincing with pain                                             an inexperienced squad such moments
well stocked with internationals, and the       the returning Ian McInroy. In fact, the                                                                                             of misfortune may be the difference
long countdown to April 2nd. begins.            early stages resembled a one-man show                  and clutching his left knee”                                                 between Varsity victory and defeat.

page 12<<                                           Punk Attitude?                            page 13<<                                 Quick Sudoku
  Bluff your way                                                                               “I used to think
                                                  Don Letts
  as Brideshead -                                                                              the best way to
                                                  exclusive Varsity                            gain a barista’s
  our guide to                                    interview                                    respect was to                           The object is to insert the num-
  champagne and                                                                                say the order                            bers in the boxes to satisfy only
                                                                                                                                        one condition: each row, column
  sparkling wines                                 p22-23<<                                     absolutely                               and 3x3 box must contain the
                                                                                                                                        digits 1 through 9 exactly once.
                                                                                               correctly”                               What could be simpler?