Conflict and Conflict Resolution

Conflict and Conflict Resolution Chapter 5 Jill R. Bowers Eastern Illinois University Nature of Conflict • • • • Conflict inevitable in relationships Management of conflict key Potential for growth or relationship crisis If not resolved…continues to grow Conflict-Resolution Strengths STRENGTH Partner understands my opinions and ideas Can share feelings and ideas with partner Able to resolve differences Similar ideas about how to settle disagreements Partner takes disagreements seriously Happy Couples 87% 85% 71% 64% 78% Unhappy Couples 19% 22% 11% 13% 26% Olson and Olson, 2000 Top Five Conflict-Resolution Issues for Married Couples Issue One person ends up feeling responsible for the problem Go out of way to avoid conflict Percentage with Issue 81 % 79 % Differences never get resolved Different ideas about best way to resolve conflict Have serious disputes over unimportant issues 78 % 78 % 78 % Olson, Fry, & Olson, 1999 Conflict Hierarchy • Continuum from daily hassles to crises • Lowest end: • Low levels of tension • Little pressure for decisions • Upper end: • Increasing levels of tension • Pressure for decisions Conflict Process • Decision Making Phase • Problem Solving Phase • Crisis Resolution Phase Hierarchy of Conflict Anger and Conflict Taboos found against the expression of anger and conflict • Sociological Explanation • Anger viewed as an indicator of relationship problems • Socialized not to show anger • Psychological Explanation • Relationship insecurity Myths About Anger & Conflict • Caused by others • Best way to deal with anger is to let it all out • Anger is beneficial emotion • Prevents others from taking advantage of you ―The Dance of Anger‖ • Metaphor to describe how individuals deal with anger and stress and the impact on one’s partner— the ―dance‖ of the couple • Women • Encouraged to overfunction in areas of housework, child work and feelings work • Other areas women are socialized to be puruers and underachievers • Men • Socialized to be distancers and overfunctioners ―Lerner’s Styles of Dance‖ • Pursurers • Seek togetherness when anxious • Underfunctioners • Become less competent under stress • Overfunctioners • Tend to take charge in tough times • Distancers • Want emotional space when stress is high • Blamers • Others responsible for problems Sources of Couple Conflict • • • • • Finances Family Issues Communication Styles Household Tasks Personal Tastes ―Fighting Fairly‖ • • • • • • • • • Negotiate from adult position Avoid ultimatums If one loses, both lose Say what you really mean Own your feelings Avoid accusations and attacks State wishes clearly Check your perceptions Never use sex to settle disagreements ―Fighting Fairly‖ Continued… • • • • • • • Repeat the message you think you received Refuse to fight dirty Resist silent treatment Focus on issue Call time out Use humor Seek closure Constructive and Destructive Approaches • Constructive • • • • • • • • Focus on present rather than past issues Share both positive and negative feelings Accept mutual blame Search for similarities Brings up old issues Express on negative feelings Focus on people versus issues Emphasize differences Constructive approaches Lead to Growth and Intimacy • Destructive Styles of Conflict • Five styles of Conflict Resolution • Styles differ in terms of • Concerned for own interests • Concern for the other person’s interests Styles of Conflict Resolution Kilmann and Thomas, 1975 Competition Style • • • • • Aggressive and uncooperative Conflict=war Object is to win the war High concern for self Low concern for other Kilmann & Thomas, 1975 Collaboration Style • Opposite of Avoidance • High concern for self and partner • Optimal solution strived • Don’t want compromise for self or partner • Time and energy demanding • Relationship burnout possible Kilmann & Thomas, 1975 Compromise Style • Moderate concern for both self and partner’s interest • Satisfactory solution for both sought • Less time consuming than collaborative • May lead to failure to find best solution Kilmann & Thomas, 1975 Avoidance Style • Little concern for self or other • Maintains peace • Even though a hollow peace • Nonassertive and passive behaviors characterize style • May provide time to reflect on issue • May convey message • Conflict is bad • Lack of concern or care Accommodation Style • Neglect of self interest for partners • Characterized by nonassertive but cooperative behavior • ―May‖ reduces creative options Six Steps to Conflict Resolution • • • • Clarify the issue Find out what each person wants Identify various alternatives Decide on negotiation strategy: • Quid pro quo – ―this for that‖ • Quid pro quid – ―this for this‖ • Agreeing to disagree • Solidify the agreements • Review and renegotiate as needed