Crumb Manor 4 Hinchley Way Esher Surrey KT10 0BD
28 January 2007
Dear XXX XXXXXXX,
I understand from XXXXX, that you are the best person to consider my proposed selfhelp title (see attached). My last work, “On a plate - how to say ‘No!’ to the persistently promiscuous”, was well received both critically and within its intended market. It is now generally regarded as an essential training manual within the pole and lap dancing professions. Unfortunately, due to ongoing litigation, my previous publishers are unable to accept my new title or my phone calls. However, I believe my outline below clearly demonstrates a real grasp of the subject matter and will convince you that this is a niche market worthy of commercial exploitation. Should you have any questions, please do not hesitate to call me on 07830 15 20 85.
Yours sincerely,
Gustav Crumb
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From Porker to Zepplin, the Secrets and Strategies of the Morbidly Obese
For too long, only the thin have been catered for (albeit with low calorie alternatives). Now there is a book for the rest of us. This is about food and how to get the most out of it. This is a life plan for those who say enough is never enough. This is a book about choice.
Have you seen pictures of mountain-sized Americans waddling from one fast food joint to another in a search for a varied diet and thought: why can‟t we do that in Europe? This extensively researched book contains all the secrets and strategies needed to take you from run-of-the-mill porker to full blown Zepplin. And all without the cost of an airfare to Dallas/Fort Worth. For convenience, this guide is divided into five logical sections: practical, financial, emotional, medical and sexual. Within each section is a wealth of tips and know-how gathered from those who have been there, or their estates. Each chapter includes easy-tofollow exercises and not one of them burns off a single calorie.
Practical
Chapter: Choosing furniture and appliances for the future. There are only two pieces of furniture required: 1. Lay-Z-Boy Extreme: This fabulous chair includes a massage cushion, a telephone, and cooler for a six pack of beer. As an optional extra, a larger cooler can be fitted for a more reasonable quantity of drink. A discount voucher will be included with this book. 2. Your bed: make it big, make it strong, make it high. Should finances be tight, a bed isn‟t strictly necessary as the Lay-Z-Boy has an excellent near-horizontal position. Choose models of television that stack well. There is a long established tradition of multiple TV viewing. With the hours at your disposal, simultaneously watching 3 or more televisions should be an easy skill to acquire. Benefits include less need for channel changing. When there is no option but to use the remote control, make sure it has oversized buttons suitable for larger fingers. Don‟t forget to maintain a good supply of long life batteries.
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Your kitchen needs four vital pieces of equipment: a freezer, a microwave, a fridge for lager and cream-based products and a can opener.
Chapter: Dressing Your clothing will come from mail-order catalogues. For some reason the only clothes available for the truly oversized are sports ones. Even if you can no longer be considered an athlete (darts excluded), you can at least dress like one in your track pants and replica football shirt.
Chapter: Other practical considerations Become a technophile. It is now possible to order from the web using voice controlled software. With a little practice, you will soon be able to order cake from the comfort of your Lay-Z Boy Extreme. Don‟t forget that Sky Digital now has an interactive button for ordering Pizza deliveries. Do ensure that your home or trailer is fitted with an easily detached end wall. This should make for easier access for the hospital winching gear or for the truly ambitious, the black forklift truck of your local specialist funeral director to make that final takeaway.
Financial
Chapter: Life as Art With Art Council funding or a rich patron, your life can be a work of art. There is plenty of money around – it is a question of attitude, not talent. Some useful tips: Make friends with someone with a wasting disease. Together you will be seen as a excoriating comment on society, or the class system, or the developed and developing worlds – let the critics decide for themselves; they are always more enthusiastic if they feel involved in the artistic process. Practise not smiling - no one will take you seriously if you do. You are however allowed to arch one eyebrow. This is the closest thing to exercise you should consider. The floors of the Saatchi Gallery have already been reinforced for the shark tank. This could be a suitable venue for your exhibition.
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If becoming a museum exhibit is not your thing, do not forget video installations – they are still “très current" in some circles and you get to write off the cost of expensive audio visual equipment as a business expense.
Alternatively, agree for your carcass to be the exhibit on condition of an immediate payment as an advance against royalties and ticket sales. This could be included as part of an „Investment in Art‟ futures bond.
Chapter: Making that documentary If art is a little too high brow for your tastes then consider a documentary. It is rare for a single programme to be made nowadays. With so much broadcast time to be filled a series of 12 one hour episodes is pretty standard. Play your hand correctly and there is a good chance one of the digital channels will set-up 20 hour a day live broadcasts for the duration of the series. There is a downside, however, but maybe you like Russell Brand. When pitching yourself to suitable production companies, put yourself in their position and think what will appeal to the tv commissioners. You must have your own USP (unique selling point). Some tricks that have worked in the past include: referring to yourself in the third person, unusual hairstyles, and weird, sad little friends. Once broadcast is underway, do keep a keen eye on the ratings. This will affect your chances of a second series. If things start to slip, try one of the following: create the need for a life-saving operation, get married (ideally, selecting your prospective bride or groom from a TV competition voted on by members of the public on premium rate telephone lines) or maybe attempt some obscure world record and fail. This country is particularly keen on heroic failures. A final couple of points for you to consider: Make sure you have a good collection of early photos and home videos with you looking waif-like. TV producers like a good story arc. Try and make sure your parents stay thin. You don't want it to look as though they contributed to your efforts and rob you of your due credit.
Chapter: Share Portfolio Invest in shares of the companies manufacturing processed foods. Choose ones that specialise in those that make products high in fats, sugars and salt. You are going to spend a lot of money on these foodstuffs. It is only right that you share in the profits.
Emotional
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Chapter: Emotional Negotiation The main skill you will need to master is Emotional Negotiation (blackmail is not a pretty word). The documentary crew will not be there every day. This is when family and friends come into their own.
Chapter: Denial Denial is more than a river in Africa, it is a vital strategy in this life plan. Early on you will need to make excuses such as: “I‟ve always been big boned,” and “the doctors says it‟s glandular.” During the intermediate stages try: “I can still get into clothes I wore ten years ago.” (Ignore people who point out that it doesn‟t count if you wear them on your head.) Another useful phrase is: “I don‟t eat a thing”. Say it often enough and they will believe it, just as long as you do not attempt to speak with your mouth full. In the final stages, your mantra should be: “I‟m not going to die. I‟m not going to die. I‟m not going to die.” This will also make an amusing epitaph for your headstone.
Chapter: Coping with abuse Remember that a thick subcutaneous layer of fat will insulate you from the most pointed barbs. Eat your way to indifference.
Chapter: Other Emotions This is Very Important - do not feel guilt. There are millions starving in the world today; what you are eating would barely keep a small village alive.
Medical
Chapter: Nutrition Recent research indicates eating fats increases your appetite; eating proteins inhibits it. Therefore avoid all proteins. The same goes for lettuce, fresh vegetables and fruit. Synthetic fruit flavourings however are perfectly acceptable. Everyone has heard of the Scottish delicacy, the Deep Fried Mars Bar. But what do you do with leftovers? That‟s right – deep-fry them again and produce a Deep-Fried, Deep-Fried Mars Bar. If you are using the Art Exhibit method of funding, this delightful “amuse-guelle” will be seen as the last word in Post-Ironic food.
Chapter: General Health At the risk of sounding censorious there are somethings you should avoid. Do not drink spirits. Spirits contain empty calories, i.e. no fats at all. Drinking lots of spirits suppresses appetite and damages the liver. Your liver is your best friend and should be treated as such. It is where carbohydrates get converted to fat, the most essential part of your life plan.
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Do not smoke. Again it is a well known appetite suppressor. If you were a smoker and still miss the taste, smoked whale meat can be bought from some Norwegian websites. Avoid walking or standing except in extreme circumstances. Knee and hip joints are particularly vulnerable to extreme weight loads. If you were meant to walk around, then God wouldn‟t have invented pizza deliveries.
Sexual
Understandably this is the shortest section in the book. Let‟s face it, sex just isn‟t your thing (or you wouldn‟t be substituting it with doughnuts) but you may receive the unwanted attentions of „Chubby Chasers‟. Just remember that regardless of their orientation, you can deal with them by either by sitting back, rolling forward or chewing.
Money back guarantee
If after completing all the exercises included you have not succumbed to a myocardial infarction or diabetic coma, you will be entitled to a full refund of the cost of this book (subject to terms and conditions).
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