Fusion’s Independent Newsletter Volume 2 Issue 2 I eat spam, therefore I am the ‘Gram January 2001 EDITOR’S LETTER Residents of Gloucester and Shrewsbury are said to be filing for compensation against the head of the School of Chemistry, Selby Knox, after both towns were decimated in a torrent of chemist’s effluent. To insiders the link between the overflowing toilets and floods has been suspected for over forty years, but it was only confirmed today after an isotopically labelled poo was seen floating near the Welsh border. Cloakroom engineer, Hans von Hands, who designed and built the loos himself in 1543, had this to say: “I designed these toilets as a Flood Victims Blame kind of bidet-toilet hybrid. I call them bi- detlets. If you Englishers followed continen- Loo-niversity tal etiquette, and remained on the lav until the end of the flush, this would not hef hap- A senior Met Office source unleashed a tidal pened.” wave of outrage when he sensationally re- Any attempt to curb the ferocity of the flush- vealed that last years’ flooding across much ing will spell bad news for the Chemistry de- of the country had been caused by toilets in HM GOVERNMENT Cantock’s Close. It has been common partment’s small, but flourishing bully com- ADVERTISEMENT munity. “I’ve been able to give poo sham- knowledge for many years that these toilets, poos to three times as many people with these especially those on the ground floor, unleash dungies. How are we supposed to compete a torrent of H2 O with every flush. with the bullies on the Continent if they take “Normally during heavy rain our computers away the source of our livelihood,” elicted Dr show massive depressions over the Atlantic, Norman. but this time there were none. I had my min- A theory linking the stench from the toilets ions make up an excuse that sounded plausi- with the Great Plague of London was not ble,” said washed-up weather man Michael ruled out. Fish. Sherpa guide, where we will put the ’fun’ Schizophrenic? A Fusion of back in funicular. Find the need to be Bent as a 9-Bob Note known by two Fusion Events Don’t forget the anti-bumping granules, be- cause bumping and a grinding will be the or- names? Smart as a Chimp der of the day at the Fusion Clubnight, provi- The Fusion Pub Quiz will be taking place on sionally ghosted in for Tuesday 13th February What’s it going to later this term. Gazelle-hunting, antelope- at the mighty Steamrock. This event will be in eating, quiz mistress Annela Seddon will be tandem with the Biochemistry Society. be ? keeping the tomfoolery within EU require - Fowl as a Chicken Andrew? Or ments of 3-9. Personally, we hope that there Recovering fireworks addict Pop Electron, is not a repeat of last year, where a boycott will have his resolve tested to the full at Dr Ewing? of intelligence led to all time low scores. Norman’s fireworks lecture, ca. 3rd March. A Get help, call 0800 Sober as a Judge cornucopia of bangs will be going off left, ME_AND_ME The termly Fusion pub-crawl will rear its right and centre—so sit just left or right of ugly arse on Tuesday 6th February. Teams centre to avoid maiming or injury. Advert partially funded of 6 will be led up Whiteladies road by a (Continued on page 2) by George Or-Well Contact Fusion by following these simple guidelines; Last but not least the MilliGram E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org and all involved would like to E-mail MilliGram; email@example.com say a big thank you to the Royal Website: xray.chm.bris.ac.uk:8000/fusion/main.htm MilliGram are: Howard Tunnicliffe and Paul Young. Society of Chemistry for ena- With extra special contributions from Christine Grew and Manon Phillips. bling us to make this all possible PAGE 2 F U S I O N ’ S I N D E P E N D EN T N E W S L E T T E R VOLUME 2 ISSUE 2 (Continued from page 1) AmsterDAMN I’m Good The nine SPORTS REPORTS WITH Following on from last year’s madcap ca- pers in Belgium’s Capital, Fusion is plan- inch ning another excursion in association with Saga Holidays and Anusol botty ointment. Column We hope the numbers this year will mush- room. “It was magic, like drugs,” said Dear Dr Mick Grady, narcotic nihilist Anna Bowman, 153 /4 . I am a 3rd year postgraduate seeking The trip is proposed to be from the 16- advice on an embarrassing problem, TONY HAWKS 18th March. and I wonder if you can help. My Crazy like the Badger lab partner and I have great diffi- The inaugural season for new chemis- Be on the lookout for a Barbie -pink Heart culty in bringing our reaction to try football team AC Milligram got off Shaped Box in the chemistry foyer. It’s completion. We have tried increas- to a bitter-sweet start last term, with a 2- Fusion giving you a chance to tell your ing concentration and pressure, but 0 defeat at the hands of Badass Bulls. It idol exactly how you feel. Just put their to no avail. Do you have any sug- truly was a game of two halves, with full name on the envelope and check the gestions. goalposts for goalposts, isn’t it? The special Valentines pigeonholes when the Inadequate and frustrated, previously untested 11 started with an day comes around. Bristol, lab 1A. ambitious Christmas tree formation and, Love and kisses, XXX in the goodwill spirit of that season, Dear I + F, gifted the away team an early goal. The Your problem is a common one, number 9, blatantly offside, couldn’t but thankfully it is easily reme- I died. Her reaction may be forced to completion through ring expan- help but scuff the ball under the hapless flailing body of stand-in keeper Tunni- On sion by backside attack. Reme m- ber that this is a ring sensitive cliffe. The second goal was much the same story, with another offside player U procedure, therefore do not use excessive pressure. Finish off the lobbing the midget goalie. The second half was a different story, with the Grams bossing the midfield for procedure with plenty of TLC and The chemistry lecturers certainly seem to long periods and creating a clutch of remember to wipe up any spill- be getting around a bit this week. Prof good chances, which weren’t capitalised ages. Vincent was sited in whispering gallery on by the forward line. ‘We woz area of the Berkley with some youngsters robbed’ cried assistant manager Lewis Dear Dr Grady, whom we believe to be his research looking in his handbag. My friend is suffering from an ex- Team: Tunnicliffe (c), Ward, Lewis, Maxfield, group...Prof Gallagher was observed out- tremely perplexing problem, about Gross, Cook, Pilarski (Allen), Mocatta, von der side the Arts and Social Sciences library which I have had a mass debate with Luche, Cheeseman, Weller. pushing a pram...Dr Pringle was seen him. He appears to suffer from a Milligram of the match: Gross bickering with Dr Jeffery outside the in- phobia of mother liquors. They dis- organic section about metal-phosphine gust him to the point where he en- STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP bond lengths…Dr Thompson was seen courages the labelling of mother liq- The brave chemistry warriors were de- talking to Derica Roberts about figures... uors and wants them publically ex- nied their first victory in the first game Dr Norman has been seen in the Alma posed in the Journal of Chemistry. of the new year by the award of a highly Tavern enjoying a brown beverage. Worried Friend. controversial penalty. An early goal “You’re my best mate, you are. Hic!” he from new boy Johnny gave A.C. Milli- was alleged to have remarked to a random Dear Worried Friend, gram confidence, and despite falling be- elderly gentleman...Dr Mulholland was Your concerns are entirely justi- hind rallied in the second half with goals seen in the tea-room along with an un- fied, but don’t be a teat. from Mocatta and a glancing header known Russian Gentleman. from von der Luche. Final score 3-3. Wanted Mnox “I’ve got a job with the police traffic “Yes Plum, I think we’ve got just the Reader’s voice: “Oh, you are a plum people.” thing for you…………” Professor Plum!” VOLUME 2 ISSUE 2 F U S I O N ’ S I N D E P E N D EN T N E W S L E T T E R PAGE 3 THE LECTURER COLLECTION Issue by issue, this expands into your definitive cut-out-and keep guide This week… Prof. Pringle, the Liverpuddlian phosphene-ligand genius problem by mentioning them. Most of the rumours about me leans back in his velour covered swivel chair with the dandy are sexual, and unfortunately not all of them are heterosexual. air of a seafaring knave with his hand firmly on the tiller. His There was a rumour that I kissed one of the third years at the body language screams “Come on MilliGram, sock it to summer ball, I usually get so pissed at these things, I can me.” “I’ve got most of the Beatles’ albums, it’s a solidarity never remember it anyway. I did deny it, but apparently it thing, being from Liverpool. The Cavern? That was burnt was true.” down wasn’t it? Not by me though.” he quothed nervously. Being a Scouser, what was the best thing he had ever “Yeah, I’m a big Liverpool fan, always have nicked. “[chuckles] Well my first school holiday, I fell been. The thing about football is passion.” in with a bad crowd. There was one guy, probably in When questioned about Nick Barmby’s con- prison now, who led this thieving gang. He said we troversial transfer earlier in the season he was had to nick something, or we’d be bullied. I was use- found out: “Well… I should admit I’m no less at it. I suppose the biggest thing I nicked was the longer passionate, so that doesn’t bother me, bag to keep the stuff in. I thought I’d nicked a lighter, though I used to watch them a lot in my youth. but it was only the shell.” When I was studying for my PhD in Leeds, I From lighters to ligands, as MilliGram probed the was hit by a sharpened 50 pence piece thrown Professor’s penchant for his phavourite non-phosphine by a Leeds fan, so I decided to call it a day ” ligands. “Well, it has to be the arsenic analogues of Although not a gambling man, Prof. Pringle phospholes. Yes, arsoles are definitely my favourite.” What are you looking at? would gladly sell his house if he needed Back to matters of a more sexual nature, would the £50,000 before the end of the week. Would he gigolo Professor recommend MilliGram a singles’ sell a kidney though: “No, I wouldn’t do that.” weekend? “Well, they can get out of hand, but remain so- It is a little known fact that Prof [then Mr.] Pringle lived for ber—that’s the key. I went on singles night once, which was a time in Prof. [then Prof.] Orphen’s basement. What does he a complete disaster. I woke up next to woman who I reme m- keep in this subterranean pit? “Well… he keeps a lodger ber dancing with, but I remember anything else. What was down there.” sneered the previously genial Pringle, slowly disastrous was the fact that when we woke up we both hated tapping the ends of his fingers together, as if to suggest the sight of each other.” something more sinister was afoot. “The good thing about When given a blank T-shirt and a pen, what would he write living down there is that you get satellite TV for free. I’ve on it? “Phosphorous is great!” spent many a long evening watching L!ve TV, topless darts, What about alternative career paths? “If I wasn’t doing y’know. It’s off the air now, but if you’ve taped them all, it’s chemistry I’d probably teach, but if I could do a job that I all right.” would really enjoy, it would be something to do with maps, What of his penchant for Kara- drawing maps. I’d probably enjoy that more than chemistry, oke? “Yeah I still do that any time actually.” “...not all of them someone leaves my group. I make Bearing in mind the readiness of his associates to impart up a tape and dedicate a song to heterosexual…. I information, would he leap at this opportunity for vindica- everyone, and they have to sing tion? “I’d like to shop Nick Norman and I’m prepared to like arsole.” that song. It causes problems with make up a story even if it’s not true, he’d do the same to the neighbours though, I was threatened with a court injunc- me.” tion after the last party.” trilled the good professor. He was also willing to do the dirty on himself. “After this MilliGram sniffed out rumours of some evening classes year’s summer ball, I turned down student’s offers of Bras- Pringle was taking “Well I’m not doing any at the moment. serie Pierre as I had a PhD viva to do the next day. I decided I’ve done Italian, but I knew some beforehand because I had to walk home, and made my way to the opposite gate, which this dead fit Italian girlfriend. I also did French cookery.” was locked, and I couldn’t get out. I walked all around the Why? “The motivation for that was I thought there would be perimeter, I thought there must be another way out. I ended all these sexy women, but it turned out they were all old up in a forest somewhere. It was half three, quarter to four, men, with the same idea as me.” This reminds MilliGram and I just fell asleep on the ground for half an hour. I got up of an expenses-paid trip to Thailand. “I was really bad at because I was really cold. I made it home for 5 and was up cooking. I used to avoid eye-contact with the organiser, be- for half seven , still in my DJ.” cause she used to make a spectacle of me. My biggest mis- Yours sincerely, the MilliGram. take was when making profiteroles. I thought I’d read the instructions wrong and hadn’t made enough choux pastry, so Interview BY Paul young and Howard Tunnicliffe I decided to make just one profiterole. It was so big in the oven that it was touching the sides. I still filled it with cream though, and it tasted all right.” An Apology… Another Apology… When quizzed about the plethora of rumours currently cir- Sorry my lab report was- Dear Ken McNeil, culating about him was at first cagey. “There are so many n’t in on time. It won’t Sorry I wore my lab coat in the ridiculous rumours about me, I don’t want to compound the happen again. refectory that time. Emmanuel Cheats H. Tunnicliffe PAGE 4 FUSION’S INDEPENDENT NEWSLETTER VOLOUME 2 ISSUE 2 Your Views in…. Pop Electron’s UNCLE NEUTRON’s Jolly jokes and puzzles Boy: Knock! Knock! Post-box Mum: Who’s there? Dear Sir, Boy: Professor Knox! I can’t help but think that chemistry would be a lot better if it had some nudy lecturers It’s been a long Christmas break for you all I know, teaching it. I certainly would remember about bond cleavages if I had a visual aid. but now the fun ends and the puzzles begin! This J. Davidson month’s puzzle with a difference—spot the differ- Panto, London. ence! Can anyone spot the difference between these Remember kids, Jim Davidson was ap- two very similar pictures ……. pearing with Holly Valance in Pus in Boots @ @t Bristol. Mr P. Electron I don’t know if you were trying to start a spate of ‘knock down ginger’ at my office with your irresponsible joke (this issue UNCLE NEUTRON’s Jolly jokes and puzzles), but it looks as though you have. You silly, silly little man. I ought to have you killed. P. Knox This month’s prize is a fabulous 1/38th scale twiglet School of Chemistry. replica of Henry VIII’s ill-fated Mary Rose, al- though unlike the actual Mary Rose it is best kept Mr Electron, Your dinner is on the table dear. away from continual saline water bombardment Mrs Electron as marmite offers only minimal water repulsion. London, sp2 Dear Pop, You’re far too harsh on that game show People That Resemble Call My Bluff. Give Alan Corren a I was trying to think of all the anagrams of chance, you no-necked Scandinavian Molecules This week………... red the other day. I did pretty well, but I pseudo-comedienne. forgot about Dre. The cast of Casualty, Mat Fuchter (pronounced ‘Fewster’), Holby Town Bristolshire Mr Electron, In your next issue you have a letter that Lonely He rts refers to this one. I urge you as a gentle- Furan David man and a scholar not to print it. Hey baby, don’t you know that Me and Coulthard Tiny Roland, U equals methyl uranium. Ratfans, Dicks. Does your relation resemble Rophi- Fluffle -pumps, you complete me. From nol? Does your man mimic meth- Dear Anne Robinson, your darling snuggling snuffling bunny- ane? If so we want to hear about it! pops. N.B. No money, no honey. ProfMnox Cantocks Close The Chemistry Soap Opera Dr Westoe had decided to photocopy “Ooo, the light is so warm on my “Well, well Dr Westoe.” his bottom for a prank. cheeks….oh no!” to be continued…..