A Fusion of Fusion Events

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					                                                                                     Fusion’s Independent Newsletter

Volume 2 Issue 2                                       I eat spam, therefore I am the ‘Gram                                   January 2001

  EDITOR’S LETTER                                                                         Residents of Gloucester and Shrewsbury are
                                                                                         said to be filing for compensation against the
                                                                                         head of the School of Chemistry, Selby Knox,
                                                                                         after both towns were decimated in a torrent
                                                                                         of chemist’s effluent.
                                                                                           To insiders the link between the overflowing
                                                                                         toilets and floods has been suspected for over
                                                                                         forty years, but it was only confirmed today
                                                                                         after an isotopically labelled poo was seen
                                                                                         floating near the Welsh border.
                                                                                          Cloakroom engineer, Hans von Hands, who
                                                                                         designed and built the loos himself in 1543,
                                                                                         had this to say: “I designed these toilets as a
                                           Flood Victims Blame                           kind of bidet-toilet hybrid. I call them bi-
                                                                                         detlets. If you Englishers followed continen-
                                           Loo-niversity                                 tal etiquette, and remained on the lav until the
                                                                                         end of the flush, this would not hef hap-
                                           A senior Met Office source unleashed a tidal pened.”
                                           wave of outrage when he sensationally re-      Any attempt to curb the ferocity of the flush-
                                           vealed that last years’ flooding across much ing will spell bad news for the Chemistry de-
                                           of the country had been caused by toilets in
HM GOVERNMENT                              Cantock’s Close. It has been common
                                                                                         partment’s small, but flourishing bully com-
ADVERTISEMENT                                                                            munity. “I’ve been able to give poo sham-
                                           knowledge for many years that these toilets, poos to three times as many people with these
                                           especially those on the ground floor, unleash dungies. How are we supposed to compete
                                           a torrent of H2 O with every flush.           with the bullies on the Continent if they take
                                            “Normally during heavy rain our computers away the source of our livelihood,” elicted Dr
                                           show massive depressions over the Atlantic, Norman.
                                           but this time there were none. I had my min-   A theory linking the stench from the toilets
                                           ions make up an excuse that sounded plausi- with the Great Plague of London was not
                                           ble,” said washed-up weather man Michael      ruled out.

                                                                                         Sherpa guide, where we will put the ’fun’
 Schizophrenic?                                      A Fusion of                         back in funicular.
Find the need to be                                                                                   Bent as a 9-Bob Note

  known by two                                      Fusion Events                        Don’t forget the anti-bumping granules, be-
                                                                                         cause bumping and a grinding will be the or-
     names?                                               Smart as a Chimp               der of the day at the Fusion Clubnight, provi-
                                           The Fusion Pub Quiz will be taking place on sionally ghosted in for Tuesday 13th February
What’s it going to                         later this term. Gazelle-hunting, antelope-   at the mighty Steamrock. This event will be in
                                           eating, quiz mistress Annela Seddon will be tandem with the Biochemistry Society.
       be ?                                keeping the tomfoolery within EU require -                  Fowl as a Chicken
  Andrew? Or                               ments of 3-9. Personally, we hope that there Recovering fireworks addict Pop Electron,
                                           is not a repeat of last year, where a boycott will have his resolve tested to the full at Dr
     Ewing?                                of intelligence led to all time low scores.   Norman’s fireworks lecture, ca. 3rd March. A
 Get help, call 0800                                       Sober as a Judge              cornucopia of bangs will be going off left,
  ME_AND_ME                                The termly Fusion pub-crawl will rear its     right and centre—so sit just left or right of
                                           ugly arse on Tuesday 6th February. Teams      centre to avoid maiming or injury.
 Advert partially funded                   of 6 will be led up Whiteladies road by a                                  (Continued on page 2)
  by George Or-Well

Contact Fusion by following these simple guidelines;                                   Last but not least the MilliGram
E-mail: fusion_at_bristol@hotmail.com                                                  and all involved would like to
E-mail MilliGram; the_milligram@hotmail.com                                            say a big thank you to the Royal
Website: xray.chm.bris.ac.uk:8000/fusion/main.htm
            MilliGram are: Howard Tunnicliffe and Paul Young.
                                                                                       Society of Chemistry for ena-
          With extra special contributions from Christine Grew and Manon Phillips.     bling us to make this all possible
PAGE 2                                          F U S I O N ’ S I N D E P E N D EN T N E W S L E T T E R                          VOLUME 2 ISSUE 2

(Continued from page 1)
         AmsterDAMN I’m Good
                                                 The nine                                                     SPORTS REPORTS WITH

Following on from last year’s madcap ca-
pers in Belgium’s Capital, Fusion is plan-
ning another excursion in association with
Saga Holidays and Anusol botty ointment.
We hope the numbers this year will mush-
room. “It was magic, like drugs,” said           Dear Dr Mick Grady,
narcotic nihilist Anna Bowman, 153 /4 .          I am a 3rd year postgraduate seeking
The trip is proposed to be from the 16-          advice on an embarrassing problem,                                   TONY HAWKS
18th March.                                      and I wonder if you can help. My
           Crazy like the Badger                 lab partner and I have great diffi-
                                                                                         The inaugural season for new chemis-
Be on the lookout for a Barbie -pink Heart       culty in bringing our reaction to
                                                                                       try football team AC Milligram got off
Shaped Box in the chemistry foyer. It’s          completion. We have tried increas-
                                                                                       to a bitter-sweet start last term, with a 2-
Fusion giving you a chance to tell your          ing concentration and pressure, but
                                                                                       0 defeat at the hands of Badass Bulls. It
idol exactly how you feel. Just put their        to no avail. Do you have any sug-
                                                                                       truly was a game of two halves, with
full name on the envelope and check the          gestions.
                                                                                       goalposts for goalposts, isn’t it? The
special Valentines pigeonholes when the          Inadequate and frustrated,
                                                                                       previously untested 11 started with an
day comes around.                                Bristol, lab 1A.
                                                                                       ambitious Christmas tree formation and,
Love and kisses, XXX                                                                   in the goodwill spirit of that season,
                                                 Dear I + F,
                                                                                       gifted the away team an early goal. The
                                                 Your problem is a common one,
                                                                                       number 9, blatantly offside, couldn’t
                                                 but thankfully it is easily reme-
                                 I               died. Her reaction may be forced
                                                 to completion through ring expan-
                                                                                       help but scuff the ball under the hapless
                                                                                       flailing body of stand-in keeper Tunni-

                                On               sion by backside attack. Reme m-
                                                 ber that this is a ring sensitive
                                                                                       cliffe. The second goal was much the
                                                                                       same story, with another offside player

                                U                procedure, therefore do not use
                                                 excessive pressure. Finish off the
                                                                                       lobbing the midget goalie.
                                                                                         The second half was a different story,
                                                                                       with the Grams bossing the midfield for
                                                 procedure with plenty of TLC and
The chemistry lecturers certainly seem to                                              long periods and creating a clutch of
                                                 remember to wipe up any spill-
be getting around a bit this week. Prof                                                good chances, which weren’t capitalised
Vincent was sited in whispering gallery                                                on by the forward line. ‘We woz
area of the Berkley with some youngsters                                               robbed’ cried assistant manager Lewis
                                                 Dear Dr Grady,
whom we believe to be his research                                                     looking in his handbag.
                                                 My friend is suffering from an ex-     Team: Tunnicliffe (c), Ward, Lewis, Maxfield,
group...Prof Gallagher was observed out-         tremely perplexing problem, about     Gross, Cook, Pilarski (Allen), Mocatta, von der
side the Arts and Social Sciences library        which I have had a mass debate with Luche, Cheeseman, Weller.
pushing a pram...Dr Pringle was seen             him. He appears to suffer from a        Milligram of the match: Gross
bickering with Dr Jeffery outside the in-        phobia of mother liquors. They dis-
organic section about metal-phosphine            gust him to the point where he en-      STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP
bond lengths…Dr Thompson was seen                courages the labelling of mother liq- The brave chemistry warriors were de-
talking to Derica Roberts about figures...       uors and wants them publically ex-    nied their first victory in the first game
Dr Norman has been seen in the Alma              posed in the Journal of Chemistry.    of the new year by the award of a highly
Tavern enjoying a brown beverage.                Worried Friend.                       controversial penalty. An early goal
“You’re my best mate, you are. Hic!” he                                                from new boy Johnny gave A.C. Milli-
was alleged to have remarked to a random         Dear Worried Friend,                  gram confidence, and despite falling be-
elderly gentleman...Dr Mulholland was            Your concerns are entirely justi-     hind rallied in the second half with goals
seen in the tea-room along with an un-           fied, but don’t be a teat.            from Mocatta and a glancing header
known Russian Gentleman.                                                               from von der Luche. Final score 3-3.



                               “I’ve got a job with the police traffic       “Yes Plum, I think we’ve got just the   Reader’s voice: “Oh, you are a plum
                               people.”                                      thing for you…………”                      Professor Plum!”
VOLUME 2 ISSUE 2                                 F U S I O N ’ S I N D E P E N D EN T N E W S L E T T E R                          PAGE 3

Issue by issue, this expands into your definitive cut-out-and keep guide
This week…

Prof. Pringle, the Liverpuddlian phosphene-ligand genius                  problem by mentioning them. Most of the rumours about me
leans back in his velour covered swivel chair with the dandy are sexual, and unfortunately not all of them are heterosexual.
air of a seafaring knave with his hand firmly on the tiller. His There was a rumour that I kissed one of the third years at the
body language screams “Come on MilliGram, sock it to                      summer ball, I usually get so pissed at these things, I can
me.” “I’ve got most of the Beatles’ albums, it’s a solidarity             never remember it anyway. I did deny it, but apparently it
thing, being from Liverpool. The Cavern? That was burnt                   was true.”
down wasn’t it? Not by me though.” he quothed nervously.                    Being a Scouser, what was the best thing he had ever
“Yeah, I’m a big Liverpool fan, always have                                      nicked. “[chuckles] Well my first school holiday, I fell
been. The thing about football is passion.”                                      in with a bad crowd. There was one guy, probably in
When questioned about Nick Barmby’s con-                                         prison now, who led this thieving gang. He said we
troversial transfer earlier in the season he was                                 had to nick something, or we’d be bullied. I was use-
found out: “Well… I should admit I’m no                                          less at it. I suppose the biggest thing I nicked was the
longer passionate, so that doesn’t bother me,                                    bag to keep the stuff in. I thought I’d nicked a lighter,
though I used to watch them a lot in my youth.                                   but it was only the shell.”
When I was studying for my PhD in Leeds, I                                         From lighters to ligands, as MilliGram probed the
was hit by a sharpened 50 pence piece thrown                                     Professor’s penchant for his phavourite non-phosphine
by a Leeds fan, so I decided to call it a day ”                                  ligands. “Well, it has to be the arsenic analogues of
   Although not a gambling man, Prof. Pringle                                    phospholes. Yes, arsoles are definitely my favourite.”
                                                        What are you looking at?
would gladly sell his house if he needed                                           Back to matters of a more sexual nature, would the
£50,000 before the end of the week. Would he                                     gigolo Professor recommend MilliGram a singles’
sell a kidney though: “No, I wouldn’t do that.”                           weekend? “Well, they can get out of hand, but remain so-
  It is a little known fact that Prof [then Mr.] Pringle lived for ber—that’s the key. I went on singles night once, which was
a time in Prof. [then Prof.] Orphen’s basement. What does he a complete disaster. I woke up next to woman who I reme m-
keep in this subterranean pit? “Well… he keeps a lodger                   ber dancing with, but I remember anything else. What was
down there.” sneered the previously genial Pringle, slowly                disastrous was the fact that when we woke up we both hated
tapping the ends of his fingers together, as if to suggest                the sight of each other.”
something more sinister was afoot. “The good thing about                     When given a blank T-shirt and a pen, what would he write
living down there is that you get satellite TV for free. I’ve             on it? “Phosphorous is great!”
spent many a long evening watching L!ve TV, topless darts,                   What about alternative career paths? “If I wasn’t doing
y’know. It’s off the air now, but if you’ve taped them all, it’s chemistry I’d probably teach, but if I could do a job that I
all right.”                                                                would really enjoy, it would be something to do with maps,
  What of his penchant for Kara-                                           drawing maps. I’d probably enjoy that more than chemistry,
oke? “Yeah I still do that any time                                        actually.”
                                              “...not all of them
someone leaves my group. I make                                              Bearing in mind the readiness of his associates to impart
up a tape and dedicate a song to              heterosexual…. I             information, would he leap at this opportunity for vindica-
everyone, and they have to sing                                            tion? “I’d like to shop Nick Norman and I’m prepared to
                                                  like arsole.”
that song. It causes problems with                                         make up a story even if it’s not true, he’d do the same to
the neighbours though, I was threatened with a court injunc- me.”
tion after the last party.” trilled the good professor.                      He was also willing to do the dirty on himself. “After this
  MilliGram sniffed out rumours of some evening classes                   year’s summer ball, I turned down student’s offers of Bras-
Pringle was taking “Well I’m not doing any at the moment.                 serie Pierre as I had a PhD viva to do the next day. I decided
I’ve done Italian, but I knew some beforehand because I had to walk home, and made my way to the opposite gate, which
this dead fit Italian girlfriend. I also did French cookery.”             was locked, and I couldn’t get out. I walked all around the
Why? “The motivation for that was I thought there would be perimeter, I thought there must be another way out. I ended
all these sexy women, but it turned out they were all old                 up in a forest somewhere. It was half three, quarter to four,
men, with the same idea as me.” This reminds MilliGram                    and I just fell asleep on the ground for half an hour. I got up
of an expenses-paid trip to Thailand. “I was really bad at                because I was really cold. I made it home for 5 and was up
cooking. I used to avoid eye-contact with the organiser, be-              for half seven , still in my DJ.”
cause she used to make a spectacle of me. My biggest mis-                    Yours sincerely, the MilliGram.
take was when making profiteroles. I thought I’d read the
instructions wrong and hadn’t made enough choux pastry, so Interview BY Paul young and Howard Tunnicliffe
I decided to make just one profiterole. It was so big in the
oven that it was touching the sides. I still filled it with cream
though, and it tasted all right.”                                             An Apology…                   Another Apology…
  When quizzed about the plethora of rumours currently cir-               Sorry my lab report was- Dear Ken McNeil,
culating about him was at first cagey. “There are so many                 n’t in on time. It won’t        Sorry I wore my lab coat in the
ridiculous rumours about me, I don’t want to compound the                 happen again.                   refectory that time.
                                                                              Emmanuel Cheats               H. Tunnicliffe
PAGE 4                                          FUSION’S INDEPENDENT NEWSLETTER                                              VOLOUME 2 ISSUE 2

Your Views in….
Pop Electron’s
                                                UNCLE NEUTRON’s Jolly jokes and puzzles
                                                Boy: Knock! Knock!
  Post-box                                      Mum: Who’s there?
Dear Sir,
                                                Boy: Professor Knox!
I can’t help but think that chemistry would
be a lot better if it had some nudy lecturers   It’s been a long Christmas break for you all I know,
teaching it. I certainly would remember
about bond cleavages if I had a visual aid.     but now the fun ends and the puzzles begin! This
J. Davidson                                     month’s puzzle with a difference—spot the differ-
Panto, London.                                  ence! Can anyone spot the difference between these
Remember kids, Jim Davidson was ap-             two very similar pictures …….
pearing with Holly Valance in Pus in
Boots @ @t Bristol.

Mr P. Electron
I don’t know if you were trying to start a
spate of ‘knock down ginger’ at my office
with your irresponsible joke (this issue
UNCLE NEUTRON’s Jolly jokes and puzzles),
but it looks as though you have. You
silly, silly little man. I ought to have you
P. Knox                                         This month’s prize is a fabulous 1/38th scale twiglet
School of Chemistry.                            replica of Henry VIII’s ill-fated Mary Rose, al-
                                                though unlike the actual Mary Rose it is best kept
Mr Electron,
Your dinner is on the table dear.               away from continual saline water bombardment
Mrs Electron                                    as marmite offers only minimal water repulsion.
London, sp2

Dear Pop,
                                                You’re far too harsh on that game show              People That Resemble
                                                Call My Bluff. Give Alan Corren a
I was trying to think of all the anagrams of    chance, you no-necked Scandinavian                  Molecules This week………...
red the other day. I did pretty well, but I     pseudo-comedienne.
forgot about Dre.                               The cast of Casualty,
Mat Fuchter (pronounced ‘Fewster’),             Holby Town

Mr Electron,
In your next issue you have a letter that
                                                           Lonely He rts
refers to this one. I urge you as a gentle-                                                                 Furan           David
man and a scholar not to print it.              Hey baby, don’t you know that Me and                                       Coulthard
Tiny Roland,                                    U equals methyl uranium.
Ratfans, Dicks.                                                                                     Does your relation resemble Rophi-
                                                Fluffle -pumps, you complete me. From               nol? Does your man mimic meth-
Dear Anne Robinson,                             your darling snuggling snuffling bunny-             ane? If so we want to hear about it!
                                                pops. N.B. No money, no honey.

Cantocks Close
The Chemistry Soap Opera            Dr Westoe had decided to photocopy   “Ooo, the light is so warm on my     “Well, well Dr Westoe.”
                                    his bottom for a prank.              cheeks….oh no!”                                      to be continued…..