T HE M ARYLAND April 2004
C OW N IPPLE
Now with aloe
Mike Grinnon declares for NBA draft
Williams left searching for replacement whipping boy
BY SAMUEL ANGELL when watching former the starters play like bilities. He approached freshman
In a move that shook the teammate Lonny Baxter’s crap?” Already fielding cell George Stone as the young man
Terrapin basketball program to its first game with the phone calls from potential watched from the sidelines of the
core, Mike Grinnon decided that Washington Wizards. “He agents, Grinnon smiled LaPlata Beach courts. Stone
he is ready to take “Grinnon Time” only played 2 minutes,” but gave no reply. allegedly turned down Williams
to the NBA. The 6’6” junior from Grinnon said, referring to “Mike has continued a because of fears that there would-
Huntington, NY, had been averag- a Wizards 84-70 victory great Terrapin tradition,” n’t be enough time to play Halo
ing 3.5 minutes per game with the over the Toronto Raptors. Williams told reporters. anymore.
Terps this season. During a 45- Head coach Gary “Being able to yell at Mike It remains unclear where
minute press conference at Williams and Athletic gave me that outlet, that Grinnon is expected to go in the
Comcast Center yesterday, Director Debbie Yow ability to scream at some- 2004 NBA Draft. “He’s an inter-
Grinnon announced he would accompanied Grinnon to one besides, you esting case,” ESPN’s draft expert
make himself eligible for the NBA the press conference. know…the guys who actu- Chad Ford said. “I wouldn’t have
Draft, forgoing his senior year at While Yow politely thanked ally play. It was no differ- expected him to come out yet for
the University of Maryland. Grinnon for his time and ent with Earl Badu or Matt several reasons. First, he’s still a
“I think it’s time,” Grinnon said, service to the university, it Hahn or Matt Raydo. bit too small for most teams’ lik-
as he choked back tears. “I’ve was clear that Williams Darien [Henry] and Will ing. Second, I thought with that
seen a lot of great college players was worried about the [Bowers] are really going ‘bacne’ problem, he would avoid
leave school early only to sit on future of his program. to have to step it up next us as long as possible. You can’t
the bench in the Association. I “Jesus, Mike,” he said, season.” wear those undershirts in the
think I can do that just as well as turning to his former star. Mike Grinnon declares his entrance into the draft.
It was also reported that NBA. Wait. Mike Grinnon? Who
they can, if not better.” Grinnon “Now who the hell am I Then he declares world peace. Then Gary yells at Williams is scouring the is that? I thought you were talk-
explained his decision was made supposed to yell at when him. Photo by Andy LoPresto campus for walk-on possi- ing about J.J. Redick.”
INSIDE Construction begins on
Commons buildings 7 through 18
Sororities to offer Slee-Z Pass
City officials fight rising crime
rate with 52 new parking meters
NASA to send diseased
BY MAX NOVA buildings 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12
blankets, beads to Mars by 2010
Already the hottest property on campus, have already been reserved by
due to a combination of good location and students. Coincidentally, all of
PublicAsian writers not allowed
malfunctioning thermostats, South Campus those students happen to have
outside until they've finished Commons will be adding 12 new building in attended Whitman High School
their violin lessons the next year, according to Commons own- or lived in Long Island or New
ers Capstone Properties. The new five-story Jersey. Also, because of the
Out-of-state students on apartment buildings will have arguably the lack of pipes on the Mall, all resi-
lacrosse: “What the hell is best location on campus: McKeldin Mall. dents in the new buildings will
this?” Capstone Properties Manager John “Leaky” be reliant on the ODK fountain
Faucet made the announcement yesterday for their running water.
Excerpt: Burning Down my just as bulldozers began swarming the Mall. Many university professors
Master’s Mouse by Roy Disney “It turns out that although not a single person decried the aesthetic assault of
actually likes the South Campus Commons the new buildings on the cam-
Fridge gets breast buildings, everyone wants to live in pus's most pristine spot. “Look
augmentation Commons, so we're just giving the people at that,” said English professor
what they want: hastily constructed buildings Bob Verbose, pointing to a tree
that will fool students' parents into thinking on the mall. “Under that tree is Not shown in this photo is the SUV-only parking lot that will
they're living some place better than the where Jayson Blair plagiarized be built behind McKeldin library. Graphic by Andy LoPresto
dorms," Faucet said. "We guarantee that the his first story. And over there is
quality of these new apartments will be no where Len Bias snorted cocaine ics to Berkeley or Michigan.”
different from the other six Commons build- with Coach Lefty Driesell in broad daylight. Although campus officials have claimed that
ings.” This mall is as much a part of this campus's this will truly be the last batch of Commons
Because of the ideal location of the new history as the 150 years of partying and non- buildings for many years, Capstone officials
buildings, the rent will be $5,000 a month for existent academic standards. Without all have already mentioned their desire to con-
quads and $10,000 for double apartments. that history we're just another desperate struct new buildings in the upper deck of
Despite the price hike, all the apartments in state school trying to compare our academ- Byrd Stadium and inside Cole Field House.
Graphic by Andy LoPresto www.cownipple.com
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 2 Further study shows that reading
the Cow Nipple will not make peo-
ple like you. Except for sexy rich
people. But they don’t count.
Staff ALL ABOUT THE COW NIPPLE
WHO WE ARE WHY WE EXIST WHAT’S WITH WHO IS OUR JOIN US
Guy-in-charge The Maryland Cow Nipple is an Everyone knows OUR NAME? MASCOT? Meetings are held
Max Nova SGA-recognized student group that top-quality People some- Lulu is a cow with every Wednesday at
Head Writer that publishes a humor newspa- universities have times ask us why nipples. She udder- 7 p.m. in Jimenez
Ricky Gonzalez per three times a semester (start- top-quality humor we’re called the ly hates all puns. Room 1120, at least
ing this semester). We are also publications. Maryland Cow She has won many until the cops show
Last Year’s on a mission to insult every stu- That’s why the Nipple. The awards, but being a up, and then it will
President dent group on campus in alpha- University of answer is it cow, she couldn’t be held in the police
Dan Zytnick betical order, and we perform a Maryland has the would sound stu- pick them up and station. Because
public service by reviewing cam- medium-quality pid if it was take them with her. they’re funny guys,
Copy Editors pus bathrooms. You can read Maryland Cow called The Ohio We feel her pain, we and have a bigger
Rob Garner past issues at cownipple.com. Nipple. Cow Nipple. suck her teats. room.
New study shows no one likes you
Andy LoPresto BY WES DREW Among respondents, a whopping Among women, your rank odor
Mike Mackler The results of a study released 85 percent admitted that they don't and shabby clothes repelled 63
yesterday confirmed your worst like you at all, with 40 percent say- percent, while 80 percent claimed
Treasurer fear: everyone hates you. The ing they would not brake if they that yes, you do look fat in those
study, funded by your student saw you crossing the street. pants.
activity fees, already has had a far- Breaking down the study along We considered contacting you for
reaching impact on your admittedly gender lines, 73 percent of men this story, but we remembered
Webmeister flagging popularity. "We've sus- reported having sex with your we've been avoiding you for
Dan Zytnick pected this for quite some time, but mother, with a surprising 22 per- weeks.
it's comforting to finally have the cent copping to plowing your
data to back up our hypothesis," father, which researchers attributed
Other Folks Gene Bennett, the lead researcher, to the continued mainstreaming of In related news, your doctor would
also like to tell you that you have an
Samuel Angell said. gay culture.
assface and smell funny
USO show disappoints
Wes Drew BY WES DREW inebriated Courtney Love. “You fucking child
David Dumas U.S. troops deployed in Iraq sur- murderers, you should be ashamed of your-
Eric Dwyer vived yet another danger this month selves…did anyone see 200 Cigarettes? Does
Donni Engelhart as the USO rolled through the theater anyone remember Hole…No? Someone pay
Abram Fox like a rolling bad thing. Soldiers were attention to me!”
Zev Geller quick to voice their displeasure with The Hilton sisters have also failed to make
Perry Gorelik this year’s performers. an impact with military crowds. After reading
Specialist Ryan Harding was one of several selections from their new collection of
many GIs giving statements to the poetry I Feel Pretty!, the sisters were lured off-
press in Baghdad this morning. “I stage by a collection of shiny aluminum cans.
Patrick Ney can understand that the economy’s Comedian Pauly Shore did not fare much bet-
Ashley Nimmo bad, and that the military has to make ter with the audience. The audience began
Eric Torelli cuts where it can, but I can’t abide hissing after Shore remarked, “Hey, I’m still
Mark Van Buskirk that my tax dollars paid for that. War alive, budddddddddy!” Five minutes into his
is hell, but this is ridiculous!” After his failure at the USO show, Shore told the press that he set, Mr. Shore was beaten and torn apart by
was scrapping plans for Biodome 2 and Encino Man 2 and
Specialist Harding was referring to his audience. No witnesses have come for-
would return to his residence at the Royal Shakespeare
the now infamous comments of an Theatre. ward.
Presidents of Old
Jordan Baker In Memoriam dents cheating via carrier pigeon. In August 2003, Silvio brought
Matthew Picioccio Silvio Olivieri (c. 1984 - 2004) a much-needed dose of his top-notch sense of humor to the
Jason Walther Diamondback with Open Forum, a comic strip parodying dorm life
Silvio Olivieri, writer of the Diamondback comic strip Open written by him and drawn by his brother, Sandro. The comic has
Forum and longtime writer for the Maryland Cow Nipple, died on lasted multiple semesters quickly became "Reason 2 of 3 to Read
March 24, 2004. In 2002, Silvio acted as MCN photographer, tak- the Diamondback", the other two being "the crossword" and "the
ing most of the hilarious pictures for our issues, and wrote several crossword answer key".
articles, including "Nation's Youth Screwed" and "Cheaters Return Silvio was a funny and all-round cool guy, and everyone on the
to Really Old Tactics", which made fun of the campus's cell-phone MCN staff will truly miss him. All the jokes in the world won't be
cheating scandal by fake-reporting on a disturbing trend of stu- able to counteract the sadness of his death.
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 3 Before we were funny . . .
we were hilarious!
10TH GRADE U.S. Pepsi to sponsor next
HISTORY DETENTION generation of campus riots
ASSIGNMENT BY RICKY GONZALEZ
Pepsi, the immense multinational conglomer-
ate that sponsors, among other things, the
by 568%, during repeated chants of "Pepsi
Duke!" or "Pepsi-on your mouth!"
Pepsi has also formulated a new alcoholic
[Editors Note: This was found by a paid a lot more than people who work Super Bowl, Shakira, and the Mormon religion, version of Pepsi, called Pepsi Genuine Draft, to
Cow Nipple member while he was try- on yo mama. has now announced its sponsorship of next be distributed at local bars, as well as
ing to score with 9th Graders. We felt Nextly, yo mama and the US year's riots on the University of Maryland cam- EverPepsi, a 170-proof spin-off for liquor
the writing quality was worthy of Cow Government differ a lot in process. If pus. stores. Free samples of both new drinks will be
Nipple publication.] you read the newspaper every day, "We here at Pepsi are always searching for passed out before, during, and after all school
1) Pick an institution in your every- like you have to do if you are in Mr. new ways to reach the younger generation athletic events now that underage drinking laws
day life and compare it to the Hardwank's period 7 class, you will about our product," stated Marc Summers, have been repealed by the Pepsi-owned state
United States Government. notice that it takes really long to pass Pepsi's public relations legislature.
Describe differences and similari- a bill in congress. This is the exact director. Other initiatives include
ties in structure, process, and pub- opposite from yo mama. Yo mama "Our demographic providing Pepsi-brand
lic attitudes towards each of the takes less time to take action on the research shows that the park benches with break-
institutions. Be sure to write clearly. people who come see her than people 18-25 crowd is looking away anchors for use
JOHNNY NEWCOMBE in the Congress take to tie their shoes. for a tougher, edgier kind against police cruisers,
PERIOD 7 Also, judges in the US Government of soft drink. So we've Pepsi-brand lighter fluid
MR. HARDWANK take a really long time to decide on decided to use the con- for private or public bon-
In this detention paper, which I am things, but yo mama doesn't even stant riots in College fires, and an offer of $500
having to write because that bitch need to make a judgment if she sees Park as our new publicity for young women willing
Marissa grabbed my ass and I had to it in front of her. She's on it like dirt on vehicle. That way, we to have their nipples graft-
talk to the ho about it (which is NOT A the floor. The way yo mama is like the can simultaneously Students participate in Pepsi-sponsored van- ed to resemble the Pepsi
GOOD REASON FOR DETENTION), I government's process is that, just like intensify our image and dalism of a police car, while shouting "Pepsi logo and present the male
will compare the United States the franchise (see? I DID read the reach thousands of the Police" at officers in non-Pepsi-spon- crowds with free "adver-
young people, who will sored riot gear. Photo by Phil Moore tisements."
Government to yo mama. Although yo chapter) for the government, everyone
mama is similar to the United States over 18 has a piece of yo mama. And naturally be looking for "I don't know, man. This
Government in some ways, she is dif- in another way, yo mama, like the gov- cans of Pepsi to quench their thirst, increase whole thing's pretty Pepsi-ed up," commented
ferent in others. I think she is more dif- ernment, tries to serve her con- their sex appeal, chuck at state troopers, etc. Phi Grabba Thigh president Michael Norwood.
ferent than the same. The ways in stituents (SEE?) all the time. She's Pepsi, the choice of a new generation of riots!" "But, whatever, Pepsi it! Wooooooo! Pep-si
which yo mama can very democratic. Pepsi has taken several steps in order to Duke, Pep-si Duke!!"
be compared to the Last, we compare the completely corner the drunken riot market, "We are currently fighting with the Board of
United States public opinions towards including the purchase of the copyrights to all Trustees to switch the school mascot from
Government are in yo mama and the US curse words, including "f***", "s%*#", "c^&$", Testudo to Britney Spears," Summers added.
structure, in Government, which are and "the 'g' word." Students who use these "We're sure that they'll soon cave in like the
process, and in pub- also very similar. Alot of expletives will now have to replace them with trained money whores they are. And if not,
lic attitudes. people in the USA today "Pepsi." This brilliant marketing move will there's always the Pepsi Mafia. Oh yeah, the
First, yo mama are feeling a bit tired of increase the mentioning of Pepsi on campus wonderful feeling of Pepsi.
and the US the government, and it
The P0rn Pictorial
Government are is even more so with yo Graphics by
very similar in struc- mama. Some people Phil Moore
ture. Like the US don't really care about
Government, yo the government any-
mama has three more because of that
separate branches only people with money
in which people can can have access to it,
work, although yo Insert “Yo Mama’s ass is so big” which is also somewhat
mama's have differ- joke here. true of yo mama. Even
ent names than the though she sometimes
US Government. The process for get- does it for free. I should know. Some
ting into at least two branches of the other people are sick of the govern-
US Government, election, is only dif- ment because they think it has no
ferent by one letter from the necessary morals, and everyone in it just has sex
process for entering yo mama. Then in and takes money all day, and they
the US Government, if you are a don't like it. If these people knew
judge, you can be appointed to the about yo mama, they would feel the Asian Interracial
position, which is like when one of yo same way about her. In conclusion, I
mama's skanky friends recommends think yo mama is similar in a lot of
someone to her because they took her ways to the US Government, but there
to Red Lobster and rented “Beaches." is one important difference. People
The US Government has a lot of peo- complain about the US Government a
ple in it, like 500 or so people in lot, but they basically love the free-
Congress and many thousands of doms that they are guaranteed and
bureaucrats, and these numbers are the way the government is. On the
almost as large as the number of peo- other hand, everyone knows yo mama
ple who have been involved in yo is a skanky ho whose phone number
mama at one time or another. The is in more bathrooms than Charmin
only main difference is that people toilet paper. So there's really no com-
who work for the US Government get parison.
Abstract Softcore Abstract Hardcore
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 4 You were expecting another hilarious,
erotic sex column? Well, tough.
Student buys Elkton Hall
using Carlton Sheets' NO
MONEY DOWN method
BY MIKE MACKLER pants and called right I'd wager that a mild-
Two months ago, Peter Milton was an away." ly retarded orangutan
average college freshman struggling to Peter's personal could follow them!
succeed both in and out of the class- copy of NO MONEY Well, maybe not, but
room. Peter's life consisted of going to DOWN arrived at you get the idea."
class, going to work and masturbating campus mail services Just months later, Freshman Peter Milton proudly shows off Elkton Hall, which he
to pictures of the Maryland volleyball three days later. He Peter made his first bought using Carlton Sheets’ NO MONEY DOWN method.
team. He seemed to be heading received it in his mail- purchase: the Aviary
standing in front of you, owner of over a
nowhere fast. box the next month. building (that little house with all the bees).
dozen campus buildings, I'd have punched
But last year Peter saw an infomercial Peter immediately Using the patented NO MONEY DOWN
you in the groin," Peter said. "Now, howev-
for Carlton Sheets' patented "NO Carlton Sheets is a knew what he had to plan, Peter bought the Aviary from the
er, I can believe that ANY student can do it
MONEY DOWN" real estate investment genius. He knew to do: get drunk on school for next to nothing, then sold it to a
- but not here, I don't need competition.
course. Peter decided that it was time wear a suit when get- cheap beer and make group of skin-irritation fetishists for THOU-
Here it only works for me."
to become financially independent and ting his photo taken. fun of Gemstone stu- SANDS.
We showed up in Peter shared his success story with oth-
made the call. dents. After that, he Peter continued to acquire properties -
sweatpants. ers on Carlton Sheets' latest infomercials.
"When I saw the ad on TV, I thought, knew what he also Classroom Building, Cole Field House, and
"I went from masturbating to pictures of
'Oh sure, they can succeed, but what had to do: put Carlton that trailer in front of the Health Center. He
volleyball players to masturbating ON vol-
chance do I have?' But when I saw there Sheets' plan into action. used that cash flow to make his biggest
leyball players. And with Carlton Sheets'
was an opportunity for a $9.95 free trial, I "I found it was surprising easy to follow purchase yet: Elkton Hall.
NO MONEY DOWN plan, I'll be able to
took the money out of my roommate's Carlton's instructions," Peter said. "In fact, "If you'd told me two years ago that I'd be
GUEST COLUMNIST John Basedow
I am a fitness celebrity
I am John Basedow. I am a fitness derived from the English word “fit,” England.” trapped in
celebrity. You have certainly seen me which is derived from the German This suits
on the television. I've got a borderline “shamalamahalsdingdingworth,” which me well as
mullet and man-boobs that could is, in turn, derived from the English my mother
crush your skull. word “wax paper,” which is actually is British
Some people say that there is no two words. I demonstrate many quali- and I eat
such thing as a fitness celebrity. To ties of fitness, such as great immov- only celery
you cretins I say, "What about me? able hair and not having eyelids. for weeks at
I'm a fitness celebrity.” Problem Watch me, I never blink. a time.
solved. “Celebrity” is the easy one. It comes This proves above all doubt that I
If you don't follow, let me break the from the words “celery” and “brity,” am a fitness celebrity.
phrase into its main components, fit- respectively meaning “a green stalky
ness and celebrity. “Fitness” is vegetable” and “someone who is from --AS TOLD TO MATT CASTNER
Jobs for the (almost) unemployable
BY DAN ZITTERNICKLE where you will be shared among peo- employment opportunities. If you've
Despite the competitive nature of ple like pink eye. ever wanted to rub sun block along a
the job market, there are many great hot chick's back, but don't mind set-
jobs with no competition because Bar of soap: Some people think tling for less, then being sun block is
people don't know about them. And that being a bar of soap is easy: all for you. Positions typically start at
sure enough, we couldn't find those you need to do is stay clean and SPF 15 but you can reach SPF 40
jobs either. Instead, we found some spread some of that cleanliness to with three years of experience.
mediocre but cool positions that you others. But the work can be demand-
may be the perfect candidate for. ing. One moment, you're washing Chair: Everyone needs a place to
someone's chest, the next his under- sit. Why not help them out by getting
Nose hair clipper: You'd be sur- arms, and suddenly you're scrubbing a job as a chair? You'll be the most
prised how many people need to trim his anus. It's not pretty. Previous popular guy at games of musical
their nose hairs. That's why this job is experience as liquid soap preferred. chairs and will also find yourself high-
in such demand. Basically, when ly sought after at meetings and stand- Photo by Andy
someone needs to cut his nose hairs, Sun block: As summer approach- ing-room-only events. Fourth grade LoPresto
you go up his nostrils and cut the hair. es, demand for sun block will increase education required.
Avoid frat houses and other locales dramatically, creating many new
Want to e-mail us? email@example.com
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 5 We’re pissing away our talent
with these awful puns.
BATHROOM REVIEW ARCHIVES:
Tawes Fine Arts Building
BY PATRICK NEY room is that you don’t need to bring a encouraged “athletic males to call him
The bathroom in Tawes isn’t hard to copy of The Diamondback with you to for a good time.” I guess Jack is looking
find. Once you are there, the exposed read while on the crapper; there is plen- for a squash partner or someone to play
plumbing you see when you walk in the ty of interesting literature on the walls of baseball with. While I didn’t understand
door might be a turn-off. However, don’t the stall. For example, one theatre stu- why there were two people in the handi-
let this lone pipe running along the wall dent, obviously trying to tell patrons to cap stall during my visit (perhaps the
to the floor fool you; Tawes offers a “come see” his show had written “CUM” cleaning crew) I’d say that this bath-
place to “do your business” with some on the wall. Evidently the rest of the room was totally FABULOUS!
flair and culture. I was immediately message had been erased and the stu-
struck by the modern, almost cheetah- dent was trying out a hip, urban spelling Rating: 4 out of 4 flushes!
like, speckled design of the stall doors. of the word “come.” The picture of a
The mixtures of dark blue and black penis (evidently drawn by art students) Directions: Walk in the door facing
reminded me of an art museum was also quite fascinating. Anne Arundle Hall. Take a left then a
(because they have similar bathrooms Finally, I found this bathroom to be a right. The bathroom is on the right side
there). These stalls were a turn-on! great place to leave personal ads. One of the hall. If you like urinating with an audience and musical
The other great thing about this bath- fellow, Jack, left his phone number and accompaniment, Tawes offers that too.
Campus Recreation Center
BY MAX NOVA the sky. Eventually I somehow made it while I urinate and do leg curls while
If there's one good thing on this cam- all the way over to the other side of I'm washing my hands. Every second
pus, it's the many ways to stay in campus. After getting past the door spent in the room is a second wasted
shape. Luckily for me I haven't taken person I was about ready to pass out, for any real fitness buff.
advantage of any of them. The healthi- but I pushed on and found the bath-
est thing I've done this year is not room. Rating: 3 out 4 flushes. No Space Age
choosing not to eat at the dinning halls. The restroom shows the designer had = no perfect rating.
Ever. a numerological obsession. Five stalls,
But I recently realized that I need to urinals, and sinks. Besides that, the Directions: Find a hot chick dressed
bulk up so I set out from my cave in whole room was spacious and clean. for a night on the town; she's really
South Campus to the fitness Valhalla It looked used but not abused. But going to the gym. Follow her. Just
that is the Campus Rec Center. The overall I felt disappointed. Where was don't follow her into the women's room.
journey was arduous: 60-degree the high-tech design that I had hoped That would just be weird.
Save yourself the disapointment and just go pee in the
CRC swimming pool. You know you want to anyway. weather, a light breeze, not a cloud in for? I should be able to lift weights
Potomac Building Want to pee on the electoral process?
BY MAX NOVA parking ticket revenue. Vote for the Birthday Party in
In a campus this big, it's hard to find those hidden gems, The bathroom is a unisex for one person, but there are
the bathrooms that actually offer a bit of privacy and aren't some nice touches that make the bathroom a worthy desti- the SGA elections
older then most of your professors. The mysterious nation. First, it has some pipes and wires on the wall.
Potomac Building contains one of these bathrooms. But Nothing says class like exposed pipes and wires. Also, the
first you may be wondering, “What is the Potomac Building stall is divided from the sink the way any normal stall would Advertisement
for? I've never had any classes there.” Well to answer your be. This is totally unnecessary in a one person bathroom
question, I have no idea. Something with engineers proba- but it makes the bathroom feel more regal. It could have
bly, but who been a wimpy
knows. little one room
One thing that bathroom, but
is certain is that the divider it
the folks working feels like a two
in this building room bath-
have the good room. I look
life. As you forward to
enter the build- many future
ing there are two peeing adven-
snazzy curling tures in this
staircases on oasis of bath-
either side of roomness.
you and a chan-
delier above Rating: 4 out
your head. How of 4 flushes
posh! These are
probably the Directions:
researchers who Follow the
engineer gold money.
into more gold
and they get
from the campus The Potomac Building is where the aristocracy of campus go to pee.
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 6 Draw your own
Jesus & Osama
Jesus Christ Al Qaeda to release
to break into blooper reels, outtakes
music industry "Too Hot for Al-Jazeera" to hit stores Tuesday BY WES DREW The previously unseen archival The video also contains a reen-
In a tape released yesterday, an footage promises to show the actment of several stunts from the
Lord and Savior dubs Al-Qaeda spokesperson detailed
the terror group's newest venture
lighter side of international terror-
ism, and the buzz has already hit
MTV show Jackass and a contro-
versial clip showing Ayman Al-
Himself "JC Yahweh" into the world of straight-to-video
In a clip screened for reporters,
Zawahiri's wife, which was leaked
onto the Internet.
"The temporary loss of Osama bin Laden is shown "That shit was so wild," com-
BY RICKY GONZALEZ Afghanistan to the crusader forces addressing his followers by video. mented local blowhard Andrew
After a prolific movie career, with such blockbusters under has not deterred us in the least," "I would like to give my warmest Omnymity. "Everyone is just kick-
his sandals as Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth, and the most the spokesman said. "We plan to thanks to my brothers, who are ing it in the cave listening to Duran
recent The Passion of the Christ, Hollywood heartthrob and strike deep into the heart of the infi- continuing the fight against the Duran, eating pork rinds, then all of
Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has announced His plans del invaders with a hilarious new incidel aggressors. [laughter] a sudden her veil falls right off!
to start a new solo career in the music industry under the video providing the hijinks and tom- What's an incidel? OK, OK, guys, Man, I'm still dreaming about that!"
name "JC Yahweh." foolery you've come to expect from let's get back to work. Enough fun
"After getting the Word of Me out there through movies, us." for one day."
television, pseudo-homosexual musicals and the occasional
crazy guy, I really think it's time for me to start expressing
Myself and My message through My lyrics," Jesus said at a
press conference. "The theatre will always be My home, but
in My heart, it's always been about the music." When asked
which type of music He would gravitate towards, the Prince
of Peace replied, "I'm thinking hardcore rap/metal."
JC's new single, Worship You (Like You Worship Me), off
of his new not-surprisingly self-titled album, has already
become a nationwide hit, hitting number three on the
Billboard charts in its first week. Over a bass-heavy beat
intermixed with machine-gun guitar riffs, Yahweh raps: "I
want to worship you/Like you worship Me, shorty/Want you
to grab and adore Me/As I'm sipping my 40/Trippin' n--gas
be hatin'/Just brush 'em off and keep pimpin'/Them bitches
mess with the Christ/Motherf---ers be limpin'/God is Love,
Introducing a new brand of unconditional gangsta love and
BY DAN ZITTERNICKLE
compassion, JC Yahweh's new record has earned an
International terrorism mastermind
unprecedented two parental advisory warnings for extreme
Osama Bin Laden has been incarcerated
profanity and subjects ranging from multiple homicides to
in Idaho for the past two months after
drug use to rape and sodomy.
being arrested for driving without a license
Despite the warnings, religious groups and soccer moms
and refusing to give his name to an officer.
across the country have pre-ordered the Lord's upcoming
Bin Laden was pulled over on February
CD in droves, hungry for any new words from the One Son
4 for rolling through a stop sign. When Bin
of God, even four-letter ones. The Catholic Church itself has
Laden failed to show a driver's license, he
issued decrees stating that JC's raps be played in lieu of
was arrested and taken to the city jail.
hymns in Sunday services from now on after the Pope offi-
Because he refused to identify himself, he
cially declared to album to be "off the motherf---ing hizzook."
has been at the jail ever since.
"I think I've really found My calling, other than the whole
Officers realized the man they had in
Savior of Humanity thing," commented JC in between laying
custody was Bin Laden after seeing a
tracks in His studio, sporting new Tims, a wave cap made of
wanted poster of the terrorist and recog-
thorns and a diamond-encrusted halo set to spin while Our
nizing the similarities, "specifically his
Lord "administers His flow." Yahweh's burgeoning career
beard, his turban, his face and also his Al
has already begun to skyrocket, with a new duet with Ashanti
BY WES DREW explained to a cardboard cutout Qaeda gym membership card," said Lt.
slated to hit airwaves in June, and a Jay-Z collaboration
Appearing on ABC's Nightline of Ted Koppel the reason for the Mike Sellers.
album in the works, loosely titled The Divine Album, which
yesterday, the Messiah formerly widespread pirating of Passion. Now that he has been identified, Bin
will include Hova and Yahweh rapping over various pas-
known as Jesus joined the file- "Look, I love my God, but not Laden will appear in court next week on
sages from the Bible.
sharing fracas currently embroil- enough to pay for his movie. I charges of murder, conspiracy to commit
Meanwhile, rumors have been circulating as to exactly
ing the entertainment world. mean, I already know how the murder and driving without a license.
what caused Jesus to break away from His longtime group,
The Trinity. While JC cites "creative differences" as the main Addressing those who have damn thing ends!"
reason for the split, the lyrics on His track Eat Me (For been downloading the new Five-year-old Annie
Everlasting Life) tell a different story: "Whoever loves Me and movie, The Passion of the Wilmington, who was recently
knows Me/Can go to Heaven an angel/The Holy Spirit can Christ, an irate Jesus said, "You
are taking the bread right out of
named in a suit filed by the
MPAA and the Son of God, also
blow Me/I hope I see It in Hell". When reached for comment,
the Holy Spirit assured reporters that It and JC are still "good my mouth. Man may not live on
bread alone, but I certainly do."
spoke out. "I like pie! I'm this
friends" and announced Its own plans to become the first
Divine Essence to go into space. The third part of the Trinity, Jesus' fellow panelists also Asked to sum up his position in Text Box
God the Almighty, as in all things, remained silent on the offered their own opinions on the five seconds, Jesus replied,
matter. issue. Sophomore Theo Nelson "Fuck you, pay me."
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 7
OUR MISSION: Since the Cow Nipple’s founding last century
(1997), we’ve been on a mission to insult every campus student
group in alphabetical order. A full archive of the insults, which
you are probably dying to read, is at www.cownipple.com/insults
Food and Finance, FLASH UMD
Nutrition Banking and Tim Daly’s SGA party continues to flash
their Terp pride.
BY ASHLEY NIMMO
The Food and Nutrition Club (or
FAN) members are probably the peo-
ple who came up with or had nothing
to do with the Atkins diet, but let's
BY MIKE MACKLER much we won't be able to tell
assume they probably came up with it,
I intended to write a poorly what files from the Web site
since if you take the F out of FAN and
constructed FBIS insult when we are opening. Then, as we
add a T, K, I and S, it spells Atkins.
I started, but now I must go to casually check out
Those bastards. I mean, Atkins is
deliver to you a poorly-con- what's new in this week's
healthy. Why would you want to eat
structed warning: FBIS newsletter, WHAM! We're hit
carbohydrates when you can eat 10
WANTS TO TAKE OVER with a virus that spreads
pounds of artery-clogging bacon every
THE WORLD! through our computers like
day? Honestly, who thought it was a
I visited FBIS's Web site and wildfire.
bright idea to completely take out one
noticed a startling fact: They FBIS will then have control
food group and replace it with a sur-
use 7.5-point font! Am I the over all technology. We will
plus of another food group? Case in
only one shocked by this? It's revert to a world with no com-
point: When was the last time you saw
simply Phase 1 of their plan! puters, palm pilots or iPods. It
a healthy, non-anemic-looking vege-
What's Phase 2? Please, will be like we're living in the
do not read on if you are faint olden days of 1986. FBIS can
I bet FAN probably came up with
of heart or are pregnant, then enslave us for their
those other fad diets like the South
because the news will shock fiendish plots, whatever they
Beach diet, the grapefruit diet, and the
you. They archive their may be.
oreos, twinkies and beer diet. At any
newsletter in WORD format. So the next time you're
rate, I am not a fan of FAN and their
You heard me! WORD format! walking through Van
shoddy diet conspiracies. Trying to
It is obvious what FBIS is try- Munching Hall and see FBIS
make us all thin and healthy, or in the
ing to do: decrease our eye- selling muffins in a bake sale,
case of Atkins, all artery-clogged and
sight by having us read 7.5- walk away. That muffin could Photo by Zack Richardson
ketosis-afflicted. Thank you very
point font, hurting our eyes so be a muffin of ANARCHY!!!
Fencing Club French Club
By Star Trek Rob The French also hate the United
BY DAN ZITTERNICKLE Habitat-for-Humanity rejects who traverse the The French Club is awesome. States.
Some student organizations have nonde- globe building fences for the downtrodden and Why? Because a French club is a The French, despite being pansies,
script names that tell you nothing about what fenceless." club used to beat the French. have made some positive contribu-
the organization is or does. Avirah, Entropy But misinterpreting the group's name is an Empirical studies tions to society.
and the Maryland Cow Nipple come to mind. overused crutch. That's why this insult will not have shown the When you
In contrast, the Fencing Club has a name that rely on it; instead, I will insult the group based French to be take that hot Tri-
simply and accu- solely on what it pale, pasty and Delt girl out on
rately describes actually does: Germany's bitch- Friday, pay for
the club. The fencing clubs. So es. Everyone her freedom
Fencing Club here goes the knows this. If fries and free-
builds fences. insult: Why in the the French see a dom bread
WAIT! You world would these German headed pizza. Maybe
expected me to fools create a their way with a she'll even let
misinterpret the group to sell stolen two-by-four, they you freedom
Fencing Club's clubs? There's no run the other kiss her. If
name, didn't you? market for those. If way. you're really
You knew the Cow you're going to sell The French lucky, you'll
Nipple's student stolen goods, sell have shown wake up next to
group insults often high-end items, themselves to her on Saturday.
rely entirely on like TVs, DVD be utterly devoid How else were we going to work a Paris If you do, be a
misinterpreting the Faces have been blurred to protect the members of players, washing of military Hilton photo into this issue? gentleman and
meaning of groups' the fencing club. Graphic by Andy LoPresto machines or steer- prowess. And make her some
names. This misin- ing wheels. What a there's a reason: All the Frenchmen freedom toast.
terpretation is then typically followed by a silly bunch of idiots. I hope someone beats them with genetic predispositions for com- And take her freedom-cut panties
remark like, "The Fencing Club is full of up with one of their stolen clubs. bat died in the Napoleonic Wars. as a souvenir.
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 8 Vote Keg Birthday Party!
Birthday Party for SGA
Our Main Platform: Muppets For Professors
< Kermit the Frog - Journalism < Gonzo - Jewish Studies
Dr. Teeth - Music Director Two-Headed Monster - Psychology
Floyd Pepper - Theatre Sweetums - Kinesiology
Fozzie Bear - Communications > Swedish Chef - Language House Advisor
Zoot - Philosophy Statler and Waldorf - Board of Regents >
Skooter - History Snuffleupagus - President C.D. Mote
< Miss Piggy - Human Sexuality < Rizzo - Latin American Studies
Rowlf - African-American Studies Cookie Monster - Nutrition
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew - Chemistry Clifford - Urban Studies and Planning
Beaker - Physics > Oscar the Grouch - Computer Science >
Skeeter - Women’s Studies Elmo - Rhetoric
< Bert and Ernie - Transgender Studies Grover - Fire Prevention Engineering
Sherlock Hemlock - Criminology < Fraggle Rock - Geology
Sam (Legal) Eagle - Government < Dozers - Engineering
Count von Count - Graduate Level Math > Slimey - Soil Science
Big Bird - Will Bowers >
• Annex West Virginia
• President Mote pops out of a Birthday Cake week-
• No Jimmies! (But one Jimmy is okay)
Birthday • One less desk in every classroom each day
• Beer pong to be replaced with beer pong
• Candy shop placed in the CRC
• Slip n’ slides instead of sidewalks
• Actual cake for birthday at dining facilities
instead of moldy cupcake
•The return of Birthday Licks, but only for people
who are jerks
• Skating rinks on north campus and south campus
• Free parking for textbooks
• Increase frequency of the Circuit to four buses per minute
• Free tuition to students who have pets or siblings
• Provide University Police with fighter jets to fight crime
• No-pants Thursdays
• Addition of new majors: ninja fighting, cowboy, exotic dance
• All fire alarms to play Highway to Hell
• All Terps sports teams to win all games
• All students to get 4.0s
• Sleds replace dining hall trays
Why should you trust the Birthday Party?
Because our predecessor, the Keg Party, brought back Family Guy (look it up, we
wouldn’t lie) so just imagine what the Birthday Party could do for you! Also, always
trust people who use Comic Sans. What a neat font!
Vote for the Birthday Party in SGA Elections
April 14 and 15 at testudo.umd.edu