THE MARYLAND COW NIPPLE

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					  T HE M ARYLAND                                                                                                                             April 2004




       C OW N IPPLE
    Now with aloe



Mike Grinnon declares for NBA draft
Williams left searching for replacement whipping boy
BY SAMUEL ANGELL                       when watching former                                                                  the starters play like          bilities. He approached freshman
  In a move that shook the             teammate Lonny Baxter’s                                                               crap?” Already fielding cell    George Stone as the young man
Terrapin basketball program to its     first game with the                                                                   phone calls from potential      watched from the sidelines of the
core, Mike Grinnon decided that        Washington Wizards. “He                                                               agents, Grinnon smiled          LaPlata Beach courts. Stone
he is ready to take “Grinnon Time”     only played 2 minutes,”                                                               but gave no reply.              allegedly turned down Williams
to the NBA. The 6’6” junior from       Grinnon said, referring to                                                              “Mike has continued a         because of fears that there would-
Huntington, NY, had been averag-       a Wizards 84-70 victory                                                               great Terrapin tradition,”      n’t be enough time to play Halo
ing 3.5 minutes per game with the      over the Toronto Raptors.                                                             Williams told reporters.        anymore.
Terps this season. During a 45-          Head coach Gary                                                                     “Being able to yell at Mike       It remains unclear where
minute press conference at             Williams and Athletic                                                                 gave me that outlet, that       Grinnon is expected to go in the
Comcast Center yesterday,              Director Debbie Yow                                                                   ability to scream at some-      2004 NBA Draft. “He’s an inter-
Grinnon announced he would             accompanied Grinnon to                                                                one besides, you                esting case,” ESPN’s draft expert
make himself eligible for the NBA      the press conference.                                                                 know…the guys who actu-         Chad Ford said. “I wouldn’t have
Draft, forgoing his senior year at     While Yow politely thanked                                                            ally play. It was no differ-    expected him to come out yet for
the University of Maryland.            Grinnon for his time and                                                              ent with Earl Badu or Matt      several reasons. First, he’s still a
  “I think it’s time,” Grinnon said,   service to the university, it                                                         Hahn or Matt Raydo.             bit too small for most teams’ lik-
as he choked back tears. “I’ve         was clear that Williams                                                               Darien [Henry] and Will         ing. Second, I thought with that
seen a lot of great college players    was worried about the                                                                 [Bowers] are really going       ‘bacne’ problem, he would avoid
leave school early only to sit on      future of his program.                                                                to have to step it up next      us as long as possible. You can’t
the bench in the Association. I        “Jesus, Mike,” he said,                                                               season.”                        wear those undershirts in the
think I can do that just as well as    turning to his former star.     Mike Grinnon declares his entrance into the draft.
                                                                                                                               It was also reported that     NBA. Wait. Mike Grinnon? Who
they can, if not better.” Grinnon      “Now who the hell am I          Then he declares world peace. Then Gary yells at      Williams is scouring the        is that? I thought you were talk-
explained his decision was made        supposed to yell at when        him. Photo by Andy LoPresto                           campus for walk-on possi-       ing about J.J. Redick.”



         INSIDE                             Construction begins on
                                            Commons buildings 7 through 18
Sororities to offer Slee-Z Pass

City officials fight rising crime
rate with 52 new parking meters

NASA to send diseased
                                           BY MAX NOVA                                         buildings 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12
blankets, beads to Mars by 2010
                                             Already the hottest property on campus,           have already been reserved by
                                           due to a combination of good location and           students. Coincidentally, all of
PublicAsian writers not allowed
                                           malfunctioning thermostats, South Campus            those students happen to have
outside until they've finished             Commons will be adding 12 new building in           attended Whitman High School
their violin lessons                       the next year, according to Commons own-            or lived in Long Island or New
                                           ers Capstone Properties. The new five-story         Jersey. Also, because of the
Out-of-state students on                   apartment buildings will have arguably the          lack of pipes on the Mall, all resi-
lacrosse: “What the hell is                best location on campus: McKeldin Mall.             dents in the new buildings will
this?”                                       Capstone Properties Manager John “Leaky”          be reliant on the ODK fountain
                                           Faucet made the announcement yesterday              for their running water.
Excerpt: Burning Down my                   just as bulldozers began swarming the Mall.           Many university professors
Master’s Mouse by Roy Disney               “It turns out that although not a single person     decried the aesthetic assault of
                                           actually likes the South Campus Commons             the new buildings on the cam-
Fridge gets breast                         buildings, everyone wants to live in                pus's most pristine spot. “Look
augmentation                               Commons, so we're just giving the people            at that,” said English professor
                                           what they want: hastily constructed buildings       Bob Verbose, pointing to a tree
                                           that will fool students' parents into thinking      on the mall. “Under that tree is     Not shown in this photo is the SUV-only parking lot that will
                                           they're living some place better than the           where Jayson Blair plagiarized       be built behind McKeldin library. Graphic by Andy LoPresto
                                           dorms," Faucet said. "We guarantee that the         his first story. And over there is
                                           quality of these new apartments will be no          where Len Bias snorted cocaine                     ics to Berkeley or Michigan.”
                                           different from the other six Commons build-         with Coach Lefty Driesell in broad daylight.         Although campus officials have claimed that
                                           ings.”                                              This mall is as much a part of this campus's       this will truly be the last batch of Commons
                                             Because of the ideal location of the new          history as the 150 years of partying and non- buildings for many years, Capstone officials
                                           buildings, the rent will be $5,000 a month for      existent academic standards. Without all           have already mentioned their desire to con-
                                           quads and $10,000 for double apartments.            that history we're just another desperate          struct new buildings in the upper deck of
                                           Despite the price hike, all the apartments in       state school trying to compare our academ-         Byrd Stadium and inside Cole Field House.



   Graphic by Andy LoPresto                                               www.cownipple.com
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 2                                                                                                  Further study shows that reading




STUFF
                                                                                                                                               the Cow Nipple will not make peo-
                                                                                                                                               ple like you. Except for sexy rich
                                                                                                                                               people. But they don’t count.




Staff                               ALL ABOUT THE COW NIPPLE
                    WHO WE ARE                                      WHY WE EXIST                WHAT’S WITH               WHO IS OUR                     JOIN US
  Guy-in-charge       The Maryland Cow Nipple is an                   Everyone knows            OUR NAME?                 MASCOT?                          Meetings are held
    Max Nova        SGA-recognized student group                    that top-quality              People some-              Lulu is a cow with           every Wednesday at
  Head Writer       that publishes a humor newspa-                  universities have           times ask us why          nipples. She udder-            7 p.m. in Jimenez
 Ricky Gonzalez     per three times a semester (start-              top-quality humor           we’re called the          ly hates all puns.             Room 1120, at least
                    ing this semester). We are also                 publications.               Maryland Cow              She has won many               until the cops show
   Last Year’s      on a mission to insult every stu-               That’s why the              Nipple. The               awards, but being a            up, and then it will
    President       dent group on campus in alpha-                  University of               answer is it              cow, she couldn’t              be held in the police
   Dan Zytnick      betical order, and we perform a                 Maryland has the            would sound stu-          pick them up and               station. Because
                    public service by reviewing cam-                medium-quality              pid if it was             take them with her.            they’re funny guys,
  Copy Editors      pus bathrooms. You can read                     Maryland Cow                called The Ohio           We feel her pain, we           and have a bigger
   Rob Garner       past issues at cownipple.com.                   Nipple.                     Cow Nipple.               suck her teats.                room.
Diana Schoenberg


                    New study shows no one likes you
Promotion Manager
   Patrick Ney
 Graphics/Photos
  Andy LoPresto     BY WES DREW                                 Among respondents, a whopping           Among women, your rank odor
  Mike Mackler         The results of a study released        85 percent admitted that they don't     and shabby clothes repelled 63
                    yesterday confirmed your worst            like you at all, with 40 percent say-   percent, while 80 percent claimed
    Treasurer       fear: everyone hates you. The             ing they would not brake if they        that yes, you do look fat in those
                    study, funded by your student             saw you crossing the street.            pants.
Diana Schoenberg
                    activity fees, already has had a far-     Breaking down the study along             We considered contacting you for
                    reaching impact on your admittedly        gender lines, 73 percent of men         this story, but we remembered
    Webmeister      flagging popularity. "We've sus-          reported having sex with your           we've been avoiding you for
   Dan Zytnick      pected this for quite some time, but      mother, with a surprising 22 per-       weeks.
                    it's comforting to finally have the       cent copping to plowing your
                    data to back up our hypothesis,"          father, which researchers attributed
    Other Folks     Gene Bennett, the lead researcher,        to the continued mainstreaming of       In related news, your doctor would
                                                                                                      also like to tell you that you have an
  Samuel Angell     said.                                     gay culture.
                                                                                                      assface and smell funny
   Joe Alderman


                    USO show disappoints
David Baumgarten
    Ben Brosch
 Matthew Castner
  Jimmy Creegan
      Wes Drew      BY WES DREW                                                                                                   inebriated Courtney Love. “You fucking child
    David Dumas        U.S. troops deployed in Iraq sur-                                                                          murderers, you should be ashamed of your-
    Eric Dwyer      vived yet another danger this month                                                                           selves…did anyone see 200 Cigarettes? Does
 Donni Engelhart    as the USO rolled through the theater                                                                         anyone remember Hole…No? Someone pay
     Abram Fox      like a rolling bad thing. Soldiers were                                                                       attention to me!”
    Zev Geller      quick to voice their displeasure with                                                                            The Hilton sisters have also failed to make
  Perry Gorelik     this year’s performers.                                                                                       an impact with military crowds. After reading
                       Specialist Ryan Harding was one of                                                                         several selections from their new collection of
  Kristen Holch
                    many GIs giving statements to the                                                                             poetry I Feel Pretty!, the sisters were lured off-
    Steve Lowe
                    press in Baghdad this morning. “I                                                                             stage by a collection of shiny aluminum cans.
    Patrick Ney     can understand that the economy’s                                                                             Comedian Pauly Shore did not fare much bet-
   Ashley Nimmo     bad, and that the military has to make                                                                        ter with the audience. The audience began
   Eric Torelli     cuts where it can, but I can’t abide                                                                          hissing after Shore remarked, “Hey, I’m still
Mark Van Buskirk    that my tax dollars paid for that. War                                                                        alive, budddddddddy!” Five minutes into his
                    is hell, but this is ridiculous!”           After his failure at the USO show, Shore told the press that he   set, Mr. Shore was beaten and torn apart by
                                                                was scrapping plans for Biodome 2 and Encino Man 2 and
                       Specialist Harding was referring to                                                                        his audience. No witnesses have come for-
                                                                would return to his residence at the Royal Shakespeare
                    the now infamous comments of an             Theatre.                                                          ward.

Presidents of Old
   Jordan Baker     In Memoriam                                                                       dents cheating via carrier pigeon. In August 2003, Silvio brought
Matthew Picioccio   Silvio Olivieri (c. 1984 - 2004)                                                  a much-needed dose of his top-notch sense of humor to the
  Jason Walther                                                                                       Diamondback with Open Forum, a comic strip parodying dorm life
                      Silvio Olivieri, writer of the Diamondback comic strip Open                     written by him and drawn by his brother, Sandro. The comic has
                    Forum and longtime writer for the Maryland Cow Nipple, died on                    lasted multiple semesters quickly became "Reason 2 of 3 to Read
                    March 24, 2004. In 2002, Silvio acted as MCN photographer, tak-                   the Diamondback", the other two being "the crossword" and "the
                    ing most of the hilarious pictures for our issues, and wrote several              crossword answer key".
                    articles, including "Nation's Youth Screwed" and "Cheaters Return                   Silvio was a funny and all-round cool guy, and everyone on the
                    to Really Old Tactics", which made fun of the campus's cell-phone                 MCN staff will truly miss him. All the jokes in the world won't be
                    cheating scandal by fake-reporting on a disturbing trend of stu-                  able to counteract the sadness of his death.
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 3                                                                                                                           Before we were funny . . .




GREATEST HITS
                                                                                                                                                                        we were hilarious!



                                                                                                                         (aka filler)



     10TH GRADE U.S. Pepsi to sponsor next
   HISTORY DETENTION generation of campus riots
       ASSIGNMENT                                                                            BY RICKY GONZALEZ
                                                                                               Pepsi, the immense multinational conglomer-
                                                                                             ate that sponsors, among other things, the
                                                                                                                                                    by 568%, during repeated chants of "Pepsi
                                                                                                                                                    Duke!" or "Pepsi-on your mouth!"
                                                                                                                                                      Pepsi has also formulated a new alcoholic
[Editors Note: This was found by a           paid a lot more than people who work            Super Bowl, Shakira, and the Mormon religion,          version of Pepsi, called Pepsi Genuine Draft, to
Cow Nipple member while he was try-          on yo mama.                                     has now announced its sponsorship of next              be distributed at local bars, as well as
ing to score with 9th Graders. We felt           Nextly, yo mama and the US                  year's riots on the University of Maryland cam-        EverPepsi, a 170-proof spin-off for liquor
the writing quality was worthy of Cow        Government differ a lot in process. If          pus.                                                   stores. Free samples of both new drinks will be
Nipple publication.]                         you read the newspaper every day,                 "We here at Pepsi are always searching for           passed out before, during, and after all school
1) Pick an institution in your every-        like you have to do if you are in Mr.           new ways to reach the younger generation               athletic events now that underage drinking laws
day life and compare it to the               Hardwank's period 7 class, you will             about our product," stated Marc Summers,               have been repealed by the Pepsi-owned state
United States Government.                    notice that it takes really long to pass        Pepsi's public relations                                                      legislature.
Describe differences and similari-           a bill in congress. This is the exact           director.                                                                       Other initiatives include
ties in structure, process, and pub-         opposite from yo mama. Yo mama                    "Our demographic                                                            providing Pepsi-brand
lic attitudes towards each of the            takes less time to take action on the           research shows that the                                                       park benches with break-
institutions. Be sure to write clearly. people who come see her than people                  18-25 crowd is looking                                                        away anchors for use
JOHNNY NEWCOMBE                              in the Congress take to tie their shoes.        for a tougher, edgier kind                                                    against police cruisers,
PERIOD 7                                     Also, judges in the US Government               of soft drink. So we've                                                       Pepsi-brand lighter fluid
MR. HARDWANK                                 take a really long time to decide on            decided to use the con-                                                       for private or public bon-
In this detention paper, which I am          things, but yo mama doesn't even                stant riots in College                                                        fires, and an offer of $500
having to write because that bitch           need to make a judgment if she sees             Park as our new publicity                                                     for young women willing
Marissa grabbed my ass and I had to          it in front of her. She's on it like dirt on    vehicle. That way, we                                                         to have their nipples graft-
talk to the ho about it (which is NOT A      the floor. The way yo mama is like the          can simultaneously          Students participate in Pepsi-sponsored van- ed to resemble the Pepsi
GOOD REASON FOR DETENTION), I government's process is that, just like                        intensify our image and dalism of a police car, while shouting "Pepsi logo and present the male
will compare the United States               the franchise (see? I DID read the              reach thousands of          the Police" at officers in non-Pepsi-spon-       crowds with free "adver-
                                                                                             young people, who will      sored riot gear. Photo by Phil Moore             tisements."
Government to yo mama. Although yo           chapter) for the government, everyone
mama is similar to the United States         over 18 has a piece of yo mama. And             naturally be looking for                                                     "I don't know, man. This
Government in some ways, she is dif-         in another way, yo mama, like the gov-          cans of Pepsi to quench their thirst, increase         whole thing's pretty Pepsi-ed up," commented
ferent in others. I think she is more dif- ernment, tries to serve her con-                  their sex appeal, chuck at state troopers, etc.        Phi Grabba Thigh president Michael Norwood.
ferent than the same. The ways in            stituents (SEE?) all the time. She's            Pepsi, the choice of a new generation of riots!"       "But, whatever, Pepsi it! Wooooooo! Pep-si
which yo mama can                                               very democratic.               Pepsi has taken several steps in order to            Duke, Pep-si Duke!!"
be compared to the                                                 Last, we compare the      completely corner the drunken riot market,               "We are currently fighting with the Board of
United States                                                   public opinions towards      including the purchase of the copyrights to all        Trustees to switch the school mascot from
Government are in                                               yo mama and the US           curse words, including "f***", "s%*#", "c^&$",         Testudo to Britney Spears," Summers added.
structure, in                                                   Government, which are        and "the 'g' word." Students who use these             "We're sure that they'll soon cave in like the
process, and in pub-                                            also very similar. Alot of   expletives will now have to replace them with          trained money whores they are. And if not,
lic attitudes.                                                  people in the USA today      "Pepsi." This brilliant marketing move will            there's always the Pepsi Mafia. Oh yeah, the
   First, yo mama                                               are feeling a bit tired of   increase the mentioning of Pepsi on campus             wonderful feeling of Pepsi.
and the US                                                      the government, and it


                                                                                             The P0rn Pictorial
Government are                                                  is even more so with yo                                                                                                  Graphics by
very similar in struc-                                          mama. Some people                                                                                                        Phil Moore
ture. Like the US                                               don't really care about
Government, yo                                                  the government any-
mama has three                                                  more because of that
separate branches                                               only people with money
in which people can                                             can have access to it,
work, although yo         Insert “Yo Mama’s ass is so big” which is also somewhat
mama's have differ- joke here.                                  true of yo mama. Even
ent names than the                                              though she sometimes
US Government. The process for get-          does it for free. I should know. Some
ting into at least two branches of the       other people are sick of the govern-
US Government, election, is only dif-        ment because they think it has no
ferent by one letter from the necessary morals, and everyone in it just has sex
process for entering yo mama. Then in and takes money all day, and they
the US Government, if you are a              don't like it. If these people knew
judge, you can be appointed to the           about yo mama, they would feel the                               Asian                                              Interracial
position, which is like when one of yo       same way about her. In conclusion, I
mama's skanky friends recommends             think yo mama is similar in a lot of
someone to her because they took her ways to the US Government, but there
to Red Lobster and rented “Beaches."         is one important difference. People
The US Government has a lot of peo-          complain about the US Government a
ple in it, like 500 or so people in          lot, but they basically love the free-
Congress and many thousands of               doms that they are guaranteed and
bureaucrats, and these numbers are           the way the government is. On the
almost as large as the number of peo-        other hand, everyone knows yo mama
ple who have been involved in yo             is a skanky ho whose phone number
mama at one time or another. The             is in more bathrooms than Charmin
only main difference is that people          toilet paper. So there's really no com-
who work for the US Government get           parison.
                                                                                                     Abstract Softcore                                    Abstract Hardcore
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 4                                                                                                               You were expecting another hilarious,




FEATURES
                                                                                                                                                            erotic sex column? Well, tough.




Student buys Elkton Hall
using Carlton Sheets' NO
MONEY DOWN method
BY MIKE MACKLER                                                            pants and called right     I'd wager that a mild-
  Two months ago, Peter Milton was an                                      away."                     ly retarded orangutan
average college freshman struggling to                                       Peter's personal         could follow them!
succeed both in and out of the class-                                      copy of NO MONEY           Well, maybe not, but
room. Peter's life consisted of going to                                   DOWN arrived at            you get the idea."
class, going to work and masturbating                                      campus mail services          Just months later,       Freshman Peter Milton proudly shows off Elkton Hall, which he
to pictures of the Maryland volleyball                                     three days later. He       Peter made his first        bought using Carlton Sheets’ NO MONEY DOWN method.
team. He seemed to be heading                                              received it in his mail-   purchase: the Aviary
                                                                                                                                                         standing in front of you, owner of over a
nowhere fast.                                                              box the next month.        building (that little house with all the bees).
                                                                                                                                                         dozen campus buildings, I'd have punched
  But last year Peter saw an infomercial                                   Peter immediately          Using the patented NO MONEY DOWN
                                                                                                                                                         you in the groin," Peter said. "Now, howev-
for Carlton Sheets' patented "NO               Carlton Sheets is a         knew what he had to        plan, Peter bought the Aviary from the
                                                                                                                                                         er, I can believe that ANY student can do it
MONEY DOWN" real estate investment             genius. He knew to          do: get drunk on           school for next to nothing, then sold it to a
                                                                                                                                                         - but not here, I don't need competition.
course. Peter decided that it was time         wear a suit when get-       cheap beer and make        group of skin-irritation fetishists for THOU-
                                                                                                                                                         Here it only works for me."
to become financially independent and          ting his photo taken.       fun of Gemstone stu-       SANDS.
                                               We showed up in                                                                                              Peter shared his success story with oth-
made the call.                                                             dents. After that, he         Peter continued to acquire properties -
                                               sweatpants.                                                                                               ers on Carlton Sheets' latest infomercials.
  "When I saw the ad on TV, I thought,                                     knew what he also          Classroom Building, Cole Field House, and
                                                                                                                                                            "I went from masturbating to pictures of
'Oh sure, they can succeed, but what                                       had to do: put Carlton     that trailer in front of the Health Center. He
                                                                                                                                                         volleyball players to masturbating ON vol-
chance do I have?' But when I saw there            Sheets' plan into action.                          used that cash flow to make his biggest
                                                                                                                                                         leyball players. And with Carlton Sheets'
was an opportunity for a $9.95 free trial, I          "I found it was surprising easy to follow       purchase yet: Elkton Hall.
                                                                                                                                                         NO MONEY DOWN plan, I'll be able to
took the money out of my roommate's                Carlton's instructions," Peter said. "In fact,        "If you'd told me two years ago that I'd be
                                                                                                                                                         make bail!"




                                                                                                                                                   Baby
              GUEST COLUMNIST John Basedow

I am a fitness celebrity
   I am John Basedow. I am a fitness       derived from the English word “fit,”           England.”                                             trapped in
                                                                                                                                                  Fridge
celebrity. You have certainly seen me      which is derived from the German               This suits
on the television. I've got a borderline   “shamalamahalsdingdingworth,” which            me well as
mullet and man-boobs that could            is, in turn, derived from the English          my mother
crush your skull.                          word “wax paper,” which is actually            is British
   Some people say that there is no        two words. I demonstrate many quali-           and I eat
such thing as a fitness celebrity. To      ties of fitness, such as great immov-          only celery
you cretins I say, "What about me?         able hair and not having eyelids.              for weeks at
I'm a fitness celebrity.” Problem          Watch me, I never blink.                       a time.
solved.                                       “Celebrity” is the easy one. It comes          This proves above all doubt that I
   If you don't follow, let me break the   from the words “celery” and “brity,”           am a fitness celebrity.
phrase into its main components, fit-      respectively meaning “a green stalky
ness and celebrity. “Fitness” is           vegetable” and “someone who is from                        --AS   TOLD TO   MATT CASTNER


Jobs for the (almost) unemployable
BY DAN ZITTERNICKLE                        where you will be shared among peo-            employment opportunities. If you've
  Despite the competitive nature of        ple like pink eye.                             ever wanted to rub sun block along a
the job market, there are many great                                                      hot chick's back, but don't mind set-
jobs with no competition because             Bar of soap: Some people think               tling for less, then being sun block is
people don't know about them. And          that being a bar of soap is easy: all          for you. Positions typically start at
sure enough, we couldn't find those        you need to do is stay clean and               SPF 15 but you can reach SPF 40
jobs either. Instead, we found some        spread some of that cleanliness to             with three years of experience.
mediocre but cool positions that you       others. But the work can be demand-
may be the perfect candidate for.          ing. One moment, you're washing                   Chair: Everyone needs a place to
                                           someone's chest, the next his under-           sit. Why not help them out by getting
  Nose hair clipper: You'd be sur-         arms, and suddenly you're scrubbing            a job as a chair? You'll be the most
prised how many people need to trim        his anus. It's not pretty. Previous            popular guy at games of musical
their nose hairs. That's why this job is   experience as liquid soap preferred.           chairs and will also find yourself high-
in such demand. Basically, when                                                           ly sought after at meetings and stand-                                                   Photo by Andy
someone needs to cut his nose hairs,         Sun block: As summer approach-               ing-room-only events. Fourth grade                                                       LoPresto
you go up his nostrils and cut the hair.   es, demand for sun block will increase         education required.
Avoid frat houses and other locales        dramatically, creating many new


                                   Want to e-mail us? letters@cownipple.com
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 5                                                                                                                  We’re pissing away our talent




Bathroom reviews
                                                                                                                                                               with these awful puns.


                                                                                                                                            BATHROOM REVIEW ARCHIVES:
                                                                                                                                            www.cownipple.com/bathrooms


                                                  Tawes Fine Arts Building
BY PATRICK NEY                              room is that you don’t need to bring a         encouraged “athletic males to call him
  The bathroom in Tawes isn’t hard to       copy of The Diamondback with you to            for a good time.” I guess Jack is looking
find. Once you are there, the exposed       read while on the crapper; there is plen-      for a squash partner or someone to play
plumbing you see when you walk in the       ty of interesting literature on the walls of   baseball with. While I didn’t understand
door might be a turn-off. However, don’t    the stall. For example, one theatre stu-       why there were two people in the handi-
let this lone pipe running along the wall   dent, obviously trying to tell patrons to      cap stall during my visit (perhaps the
to the floor fool you; Tawes offers a       “come see” his show had written “CUM”          cleaning crew) I’d say that this bath-
place to “do your business” with some       on the wall. Evidently the rest of the         room was totally FABULOUS!
flair and culture. I was immediately        message had been erased and the stu-
struck by the modern, almost cheetah-       dent was trying out a hip, urban spelling      Rating: 4 out of 4 flushes!
like, speckled design of the stall doors.   of the word “come.” The picture of a
The mixtures of dark blue and black         penis (evidently drawn by art students)        Directions: Walk in the door facing
reminded me of an art museum                was also quite fascinating.                    Anne Arundle Hall. Take a left then a
(because they have similar bathrooms          Finally, I found this bathroom to be a       right. The bathroom is on the right side
there). These stalls were a turn-on!        great place to leave personal ads. One         of the hall.                                If you like urinating with an audience and musical
  The other great thing about this bath-    fellow, Jack, left his phone number and                                                    accompaniment, Tawes offers that too.




                                             Campus Recreation Center
                                                             BY MAX NOVA                                  the sky. Eventually I somehow made it      while I urinate and do leg curls while
                                                               If there's one good thing on this cam-     all the way over to the other side of      I'm washing my hands. Every second
                                                             pus, it's the many ways to stay in           campus. After getting past the door        spent in the room is a second wasted
                                                             shape. Luckily for me I haven't taken        person I was about ready to pass out,      for any real fitness buff.
                                                             advantage of any of them. The healthi-       but I pushed on and found the bath-
                                                             est thing I've done this year is not         room.                                      Rating: 3 out 4 flushes. No Space Age
                                                             choosing not to eat at the dinning halls.      The restroom shows the designer had      = no perfect rating.
                                                             Ever.                                        a numerological obsession. Five stalls,
                                                               But I recently realized that I need to     urinals, and sinks. Besides that, the      Directions: Find a hot chick dressed
                                                             bulk up so I set out from my cave in         whole room was spacious and clean.         for a night on the town; she's really
                                                             South Campus to the fitness Valhalla         It looked used but not abused. But         going to the gym. Follow her. Just
                                                             that is the Campus Rec Center. The           overall I felt disappointed. Where was     don't follow her into the women's room.
                                                             journey was arduous: 60-degree               the high-tech design that I had hoped      That would just be weird.
Save yourself the disapointment and just go pee in the
CRC swimming pool. You know you want to anyway.              weather, a light breeze, not a cloud in      for? I should be able to lift weights



                                 Potomac Building                                                                                      Want to pee on the electoral process?
BY MAX NOVA                                                   parking ticket revenue.                                                  Vote for the Birthday Party in
   In a campus this big, it's hard to find those hidden gems,   The bathroom is a unisex for one person, but there are
the bathrooms that actually offer a bit of privacy and aren't some nice touches that make the bathroom a worthy desti-                       the SGA elections
older then most of your professors. The mysterious            nation. First, it has some pipes and wires on the wall.
Potomac Building contains one of these bathrooms. But         Nothing says class like exposed pipes and wires. Also, the
first you may be wondering, “What is the Potomac Building     stall is divided from the sink the way any normal stall would                              Advertisement
for? I've never had any classes there.” Well to answer your be. This is totally unnecessary in a one person bathroom
question, I have no idea. Something with engineers proba-     but it makes the bathroom feel more regal. It could have
bly, but who                                                                                                been a wimpy
knows.                                                                                                      little one room
    One thing that                                                                                          bathroom, but
is certain is that                                                                                          the divider it
the folks working                                                                                           feels like a two
in this building                                                                                            room bath-
have the good                                                                                               room. I look
life. As you                                                                                                forward to
enter the build-                                                                                            many future
ing there are two                                                                                           peeing adven-
snazzy curling                                                                                              tures in this
staircases on                                                                                               oasis of bath-
either side of                                                                                              roomness.
you and a chan-
delier above                                                                                                Rating: 4 out
your head. How                                                                                              of 4 flushes
posh! These are
probably the                                                                                                Directions:
researchers who                                                                                             Follow the
engineer gold                                                                                               money.
into more gold
and they get
their funding
from the campus The Potomac Building is where the aristocracy of campus go to pee.
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 6                                                                                                                                   Draw your own




Jesus & Osama
                                                                                                                                                                                conclusions




Jesus Christ   Al Qaeda to release
to break into  blooper reels, outtakes
music industry "Too Hot for Al-Jazeera" to hit stores Tuesday       BY WES DREW                                  The previously unseen archival             The video also contains a reen-
                                                                      In a tape released yesterday, an        footage promises to show the                actment of several stunts from the
Lord and Savior dubs                                                Al-Qaeda spokesperson detailed
                                                                    the terror group's newest venture
                                                                                                              lighter side of international terror-
                                                                                                              ism, and the buzz has already hit
                                                                                                                                                          MTV show Jackass and a contro-
                                                                                                                                                          versial clip showing Ayman Al-
Himself "JC Yahweh"                                                 into the world of straight-to-video
                                                                    releases.
                                                                                                              the street.
                                                                                                                 In a clip screened for reporters,
                                                                                                                                                          Zawahiri's wife, which was leaked
                                                                                                                                                          onto the Internet.
                                                                      "The temporary loss of                  Osama bin Laden is shown                      "That shit was so wild," com-
BY RICKY GONZALEZ                                                   Afghanistan to the crusader forces        addressing his followers by video.          mented local blowhard Andrew
   After a prolific movie career, with such blockbusters under      has not deterred us in the least,"        "I would like to give my warmest            Omnymity. "Everyone is just kick-
his sandals as Jesus, Jesus of Nazareth, and the most               the spokesman said. "We plan to           thanks to my brothers, who are              ing it in the cave listening to Duran
recent The Passion of the Christ, Hollywood heartthrob and          strike deep into the heart of the infi-   continuing the fight against the            Duran, eating pork rinds, then all of
Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has announced His plans            del invaders with a hilarious new         incidel aggressors. [laughter]              a sudden her veil falls right off!
to start a new solo career in the music industry under the          video providing the hijinks and tom-      What's an incidel? OK, OK, guys,            Man, I'm still dreaming about that!"
name "JC Yahweh."                                                   foolery you've come to expect from        let's get back to work. Enough fun
    "After getting the Word of Me out there through movies,         us."                                      for one day."
television, pseudo-homosexual musicals and the occasional


                                                                                                                                                      Bin Laden
crazy guy, I really think it's time for me to start expressing
Myself and My message through My lyrics," Jesus said at a
press conference. "The theatre will always be My home, but


                                                                                                                                                      arrested in
in My heart, it's always been about the music." When asked
which type of music He would gravitate towards, the Prince
of Peace replied, "I'm thinking hardcore rap/metal."


                                                                                                                                                      Idaho
    JC's new single, Worship You (Like You Worship Me), off
of his new not-surprisingly self-titled album, has already
become a nationwide hit, hitting number three on the
Billboard charts in its first week. Over a bass-heavy beat
intermixed with machine-gun guitar riffs, Yahweh raps: "I
want to worship you/Like you worship Me, shorty/Want you
                                                                                                                                                      International terror
to grab and adore Me/As I'm sipping my 40/Trippin' n--gas
be hatin'/Just brush 'em off and keep pimpin'/Them bitches
                                                                                                                                                      suspect faces
mess with the Christ/Motherf---ers be limpin'/God is Love,
check it."
                                                                                                                                                      traffic charge
   Introducing a new brand of unconditional gangsta love and
                                                                                                                                                      BY DAN ZITTERNICKLE
compassion, JC Yahweh's new record has earned an
                                                                                                                                                        International terrorism mastermind
unprecedented two parental advisory warnings for extreme
                                                                                                                                                      Osama Bin Laden has been incarcerated
profanity and subjects ranging from multiple homicides to
                                                                                                                                                      in Idaho for the past two months after
drug use to rape and sodomy.
                                                                                                                                                      being arrested for driving without a license
   Despite the warnings, religious groups and soccer moms
                                                                                                                                                      and refusing to give his name to an officer.
across the country have pre-ordered the Lord's upcoming
                                                                                                                                                        Bin Laden was pulled over on February
CD in droves, hungry for any new words from the One Son
                                                                                                                                                      4 for rolling through a stop sign. When Bin
of God, even four-letter ones. The Catholic Church itself has
                                                                                                                                                      Laden failed to show a driver's license, he


                                                                   Jesus sues
issued decrees stating that JC's raps be played in lieu of
                                                                                                                                                      was arrested and taken to the city jail.
hymns in Sunday services from now on after the Pope offi-
                                                                                                                                                      Because he refused to identify himself, he
cially declared to album to be "off the motherf---ing hizzook."
                                                                                                                                                      has been at the jail ever since.
   "I think I've really found My calling, other than the whole


                                                                   filesharers
                                                                                                                                                        Officers realized the man they had in
Savior of Humanity thing," commented JC in between laying
                                                                                                                                                      custody was Bin Laden after seeing a
tracks in His studio, sporting new Tims, a wave cap made of
                                                                                                                                                      wanted poster of the terrorist and recog-
thorns and a diamond-encrusted halo set to spin while Our
                                                                                                                                                      nizing the similarities, "specifically his
Lord "administers His flow." Yahweh's burgeoning career
                                                                                                                                                      beard, his turban, his face and also his Al
has already begun to skyrocket, with a new duet with Ashanti
                                                                   BY WES DREW                            explained to a cardboard cutout             Qaeda gym membership card," said Lt.
slated to hit airwaves in June, and a Jay-Z collaboration
                                                                     Appearing on ABC's Nightline         of Ted Koppel the reason for the            Mike Sellers.
album in the works, loosely titled The Divine Album, which
                                                                   yesterday, the Messiah formerly        widespread pirating of Passion.               Now that he has been identified, Bin
will include Hova and Yahweh rapping over various pas-
                                                                   known as Jesus joined the file-        "Look, I love my God, but not               Laden will appear in court next week on
sages from the Bible.
                                                                   sharing fracas currently embroil-      enough to pay for his movie. I              charges of murder, conspiracy to commit
    Meanwhile, rumors have been circulating as to exactly
                                                                   ing the entertainment world.           mean, I already know how the                murder and driving without a license.
what caused Jesus to break away from His longtime group,
The Trinity. While JC cites "creative differences" as the main       Addressing those who have            damn thing ends!"
reason for the split, the lyrics on His track Eat Me (For          been downloading the new                  Five-year-old Annie
Everlasting Life) tell a different story: "Whoever loves Me and    movie, The Passion of the              Wilmington, who was recently
knows Me/Can go to Heaven an angel/The Holy Spirit can             Christ, an irate Jesus said, "You
                                                                   are taking the bread right out of
                                                                                                          named in a suit filed by the
                                                                                                          MPAA and the Son of God, also
                                                                                                                                                                   Non-
blow Me/I hope I see It in Hell". When reached for comment,
the Holy Spirit assured reporters that It and JC are still "good   my mouth. Man may not live on
                                                                   bread alone, but I certainly do."
                                                                                                          spoke out. "I like pie! I'm this
                                                                                                          many!"
                                                                                                                                                               Denomiational
friends" and announced Its own plans to become the first
Divine Essence to go into space. The third part of the Trinity,      Jesus' fellow panelists also            Asked to sum up his position in                    Text Box
God the Almighty, as in all things, remained silent on the         offered their own opinions on the      five seconds, Jesus replied,
matter.                                                            issue. Sophomore Theo Nelson           "Fuck you, pay me."
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 7



Insult-a-group
                                                                                                             OUR MISSION: Since the Cow Nipple’s founding last century
                                                                                                             (1997), we’ve been on a mission to insult every campus student
                                                                                                             group in alphabetical order. A full archive of the insults, which
                                                                                                             you are probably dying to read, is at www.cownipple.com/insults



Food and                                                Finance,                                                                  FLASH UMD
Nutrition                                            Banking and                                                                 Tim Daly’s SGA party continues to flash
                                                                                                                                 their Terp pride.

Club                                                  Investment
BY ASHLEY NIMMO
  The Food and Nutrition Club (or
FAN) members are probably the peo-
ple who came up with or had nothing
                                                        Society
to do with the Atkins diet, but let's
                                                  BY MIKE MACKLER                     much we won't be able to tell
assume they probably came up with it,
                                                     I intended to write a poorly     what files from the Web site
since if you take the F out of FAN and
                                                  constructed FBIS insult when        we are opening. Then, as we
add a T, K, I and S, it spells Atkins.
                                                  I started, but now I must           go to casually check out
Those bastards. I mean, Atkins is
                                                  deliver to you a poorly-con-        what's new in this week's
healthy. Why would you want to eat
                                                  structed warning: FBIS              newsletter, WHAM! We're hit
carbohydrates when you can eat 10
                                                  WANTS TO TAKE OVER                  with a virus that spreads
pounds of artery-clogging bacon every
                                                  THE WORLD!                          through our computers like
day? Honestly, who thought it was a
                                                    I visited FBIS's Web site and     wildfire.
bright idea to completely take out one
                                                  noticed a startling fact: They         FBIS will then have control
food group and replace it with a sur-
                                                  use 7.5-point font! Am I the        over all technology. We will
plus of another food group? Case in
                                                  only one shocked by this? It's      revert to a world with no com-
point: When was the last time you saw
                                                  simply Phase 1 of their plan!       puters, palm pilots or iPods. It
a healthy, non-anemic-looking vege-
                                                     What's Phase 2? Please,          will be like we're living in the
tarian?
                                                  do not read on if you are faint     olden days of 1986. FBIS can
  I bet FAN probably came up with
                                                  of heart or are pregnant,           then enslave us for their
those other fad diets like the South
                                                  because the news will shock         fiendish plots, whatever they
Beach diet, the grapefruit diet, and the
                                                  you. They archive their             may be.
oreos, twinkies and beer diet. At any
                                                  newsletter in WORD format.             So the next time you're
rate, I am not a fan of FAN and their
                                                  You heard me! WORD format!          walking through Van
shoddy diet conspiracies. Trying to
                                                  It is obvious what FBIS is try-     Munching Hall and see FBIS
make us all thin and healthy, or in the
                                                  ing to do: decrease our eye-        selling muffins in a bake sale,
case of Atkins, all artery-clogged and
                                                  sight by having us read 7.5-        walk away. That muffin could                                                     Photo by Zack Richardson
ketosis-afflicted. Thank you very
                                                  point font, hurting our eyes so     be a muffin of ANARCHY!!!
much.




                  Fencing Club                                                                                                French Club
                                                                                                                By Star Trek Rob                             The French also hate the United
BY DAN ZITTERNICKLE                                Habitat-for-Humanity rejects who traverse the                  The French Club is awesome.                States.
  Some student organizations have nonde-           globe building fences for the downtrodden and                Why? Because a French club is a               The French, despite being pansies,
script names that tell you nothing about what      fenceless."                                                  club used to beat the French.                have made some positive contribu-
the organization is or does. Avirah, Entropy         But misinterpreting the group's name is an                 Empirical studies                                                tions to society.
and the Maryland Cow Nipple come to mind.          overused crutch. That's why this insult will not             have shown the                                                      When you
In contrast, the Fencing Club has a name that      rely on it; instead, I will insult the group based           French to be                                                     take that hot Tri-
simply and accu-                                                                    solely on what it           pale, pasty and                                                  Delt girl out on
rately describes                                                                    actually does:              Germany's bitch-                                                 Friday, pay for
the club. The                                                                       fencing clubs. So           es. Everyone                                                     her freedom
Fencing Club                                                                        here goes the               knows this. If                                                   fries and free-
builds fences.                                                                      insult: Why in the          the French see a                                                 dom bread
  WAIT! You                                                                         world would these           German headed                                                    pizza. Maybe
expected me to                                                                      fools create a              their way with a                                                 she'll even let
misinterpret the                                                                    group to sell stolen        two-by-four, they                                                you freedom
Fencing Club's                                                                      clubs? There's no           run the other                                                    kiss her. If
name, didn't you?                                                                   market for those. If        way.                                                             you're really
You knew the Cow                                                                    you're going to sell          The French                                                     lucky, you'll
Nipple's student                                                                    stolen goods, sell          have shown                                                       wake up next to
group insults often                                                                 high-end items,             themselves to                                                    her on Saturday.
rely entirely on                                                                    like TVs, DVD               be utterly devoid How else were we going to work a Paris         If you do, be a
misinterpreting the Faces have been blurred to protect the members of               players, washing            of military          Hilton photo into this issue?               gentleman and
meaning of groups' the fencing club. Graphic by Andy LoPresto                     machines or steer-            prowess. And                                                     make her some
names. This misin-                                                                ing wheels. What a            there's a reason: All the Frenchmen                              freedom toast.
terpretation is then typically followed by a silly bunch of idiots. I hope someone beats them                   with genetic predispositions for com-          And take her freedom-cut panties
remark like, "The Fencing Club is full of          up with one of their stolen clubs.                           bat died in the Napoleonic Wars.             as a souvenir.
The Maryland Cow Nipple | April 2004 | Page 8                                                                                Vote Keg Birthday Party!



Birthday Party for SGA
               Our Main Platform: Muppets For Professors
                             < Kermit the Frog - Journalism                                       < Gonzo - Jewish Studies

                                Dr. Teeth - Music Director                                     Two-Headed Monster - Psychology

                                 Floyd Pepper - Theatre                                             Sweetums - Kinesiology

                            Fozzie Bear - Communications >                                  Swedish Chef - Language House Advisor

                                    Zoot - Philosophy                                      Statler and Waldorf - Board of Regents >

                                    Skooter - History                                         Snuffleupagus - President C.D. Mote

                           < Miss Piggy - Human Sexuality                                     < Rizzo - Latin American Studies

                            Rowlf - African-American Studies                                      Cookie Monster - Nutrition

                           Dr. Bunsen Honeydew - Chemistry                                   Clifford - Urban Studies and Planning

                                  Beaker - Physics >                                       Oscar the Grouch - Computer Science >

                               Skeeter - Women’s Studies                                               Elmo - Rhetoric

                        < Bert and Ernie - Transgender Studies                               Grover - Fire Prevention Engineering

                             Sherlock Hemlock - Criminology                                       < Fraggle Rock - Geology

                            Sam (Legal) Eagle - Government                                         < Dozers - Engineering

                       Count von Count - Graduate Level Math >                                       Slimey - Soil Science

                                                                                                   Big Bird - Will Bowers >




    Other
                                      • Annex West Virginia
                                      • President Mote pops out of a Birthday Cake week-
                                      ly
                                      • No Jimmies! (But one Jimmy is okay)

    Birthday                          • One less desk in every classroom each day
                                      • Beer pong to be replaced with beer pong
                                      • Candy shop placed in the CRC


    Party
                                      • Slip n’ slides instead of sidewalks
                                      • Actual cake for birthday at dining facilities
                                      instead of moldy cupcake


    Promises
                                      •The return of Birthday Licks, but only for people
                                      who are jerks
                                      • Skating rinks on north campus and south campus
                                      • Free parking for textbooks
•   Increase frequency of the Circuit to four buses per minute
•   Free tuition to students who have pets or siblings
•   Provide University Police with fighter jets to fight crime
•   No-pants Thursdays
•   Addition of new majors: ninja fighting, cowboy, exotic dance
•   All fire alarms to play Highway to Hell
•   All Terps sports teams to win all games
•   All students to get 4.0s
•   Sleds replace dining hall trays

Why should you trust the Birthday Party?
Because our predecessor, the Keg Party, brought back Family Guy (look it up, we
wouldn’t lie) so just imagine what the Birthday Party could do for you! Also, always
trust people who use Comic Sans. What a neat font!



    Vote for the Birthday Party in SGA Elections
                     April 14 and 15 at testudo.umd.edu