Sixty Five Pounds Well Spent by abstraks


									                                                     Special e-mail extravaganza edition


                                                                                      C H R I S T M A S       2 0 0 6
INSIDE                   V O L U M E     2   I S S U E   2

My Last School 2    Sixty Five Pounds Well Spent
                    This term saw the latest de-
Ordination     3    velopment in the school pho-
Of Women            tograph saga, the results of
Exclusive           which can be seen in the
                    corridor near the dining
Dressing Up    2
                    room. Not content with al-
Editorial      7    lowing school photographs
                    to be historical documents
Sudoku         4    recording the hirsuteness (or                    Photograph Courtesy of the B.Perx
                    should that be hirsutity) of                                 Archive
Telephone      2    members of staff both male
chaos               and female, it was decided
                    that we needed another one. ).The maths         ratio of actually enjoying
Help is at     3    A day was chosen and plans       department were at hand and      Christmas lunch to the im-
Hand                were made to take another        for a change were not having     mense time building up to it.
                    photograph. The operation        anything to do with Chartres     A collector’s edition of the
That School    8    went ahead with all the pre-     Cathedral (see Uptight edi-      photograph with a prove-
Handbook in         cision of a military operation
                                                     tion 2 and 3, now sadly sold     nance and locks of hair from
                    (taking nearly as long as the    out and fetching very high       members of staff of your
Midyis ex-      5
                    Falklands conflict, though       prices on ebay). Some sig-       choice can be purchased for
plained (again)     with considerably fewer          nificant ratios were calcu-      only £79.99 from the uni-
                    casualties). All in all every-   lated. We can reveal that the    form shop. Rumours that
                    thing went swimmingly, the       ratio of useful (shutter open,   “evaluation” copies of the
                    girls neatly arranging them-     girls with eyes closed) time     school photograph produced
Caption Com-   8
                    selves in height order just to   to useless waiting around        by Muddletum enterprises
                    allow future historians to       (shutter closed, no point in     and retailing at considerably
                    analyse as much as possible.     saying cheese) time was a        less than this are not neces-
                    (By the way, can we have         staggering 1 to 40,500,000, a    sarily true. Who’s asking?
                    “future historians”? Answers     figure only exceeded by the
                    to uptight@mount.n-

                              New Pay Scales
                    You’ve all been wonder- along with an
                                                                                              7                 9       3   6
                    ing about this, I’m sure, so     indication of which row
                    our new scheme is sure to        (or column) you would                8   6   2   7
                    be popular. It takes the         like to be your new salary,          4               1
                    form of the popular Su-          your ideas will be consid-
                    doku puzzles that have           ered. Remember that this             2       9       7             1
                    recently meant that the          is a first come first served                 6       3
                    crossword setter at Uptight      service so hurry. There is
                    has had to be “let go”. If       no truth in the rumour that          9       1       5             2
                    you can complete the puz-        columns have been ring-                      4                     7
                    zle published below, and         fenced (see Interactive
                    send your entry in to            phraseology – this edition)                      9   8     3       6
                    SMT@mount.n-                                                      7   6   4                 8
        PAGE      2

                        Dressing Up or Dressing Down?

                        Of course, you heard      Vicars and Tarts – it     something suitable to
                        it here first. Calcula-   usually goes down         wear. This one cour-
                        tions relating to the     well at parties and       tesy of Pope Gregory
                        economics of the          most members of           the Second.
                        Dressing Up day were      school have access to     Tour de France – an
                        expounded in Uptight      clothing from one or      extravaganza in Lycra.
                        2. Since then, the        the other so there’d be   Perhaps a trifle far
                        charity committee has     no real excuse for peo-   fetched.
                        been dreaming up new      ple not participating.    Sonic the Hedgehog
Bishop and Actress.     themes for dressing up    This one from the Rev     – the thought of year 7
See Caption Competi-    days that have been       Julio Hompshire - al-     speeding around the
    tion, page 8.
                        wondrous in their         though, as she says,      place in tiny go carts
                        breadth and inventive-    “It would be a tough      making a lot of noise
                        ness. Some of the         decision…”                isn’t so far from the
                        ideas and their origi-    Famous Catholics –        reality of life at MSY.
                        nators are offered to     the range of options
                        you here. Comments        are staggering, from
                        or further suggestions    Ignatius Loyola to
                        are, as usual, welcome    Lindy Moor via Gra-
                        to the usual e-mail ad-   ham Greene. Most
 Vicar and Tart
                        dress.                    people could find

  Fabulous Lycra

                              ‘80s Queen of Soul                  ‘60s Queen of Soul
                                Roberta Flack                       Otis Otkinson

                       Stop press: the recent successful “Hippy Day” was graced by a guest
                       appearance from ‘80s soul singer Roberta Flack. Any resemblance
                       between her and Chemistry Supremo Mike ‘Otis’ Otkinson is, we be-
                       lieve, entirely coincidental.

VOLUME       2   ISSUE   2                                                                              PAGE      3

                             Interactive Phraseology
In a ground breaking break         “build” been a noun?            you. In the space provided below,
from the norms of everyday         Solution provider – this        you can add your own examples.
publishing, we are proud to        doesn’t refer to the Chemis-    As usual, there is a free subscrip-
present the first do it yourself   try department                  tion to Uptight up for grabs for the
article in Uptight. You no         Outsourcing – what? Be-         best/worst examples e-mailed to
longer need to rely on some-       fore I am struck by a thun-
one else to amuse and enter-       dering apoplexy (see Treas-     before the next edition if we have-
tain you at the end of a long      ure Island) I hand over to      n’t been taken over (see editorial).
term. We are confident that
our readership (that’s you,          Your Space:
dear reader) won’t abuse the
power confided in them and
that the creativity unleashed
by the process can only help
the world. So – how does it
work? It’s all to do with
phrases we hate and still find
ourselves accepting. Here are
a few examples to get you go-
Signage – I actually heard
someone saying this as if it
was a good word
New Build – since when has

                                   claimed that the takeover would     plorer and inventor of the Ever-
                                   be so seamless that the ordinary    ton mint was ‘fond of a bit of
First Time for Everything          reader (that’s still you I’m        satire’ himself.
                                   afraid) wouldn’t be able to tell    MSBOs—A Step Too Far
We haven’t felt the necessity for that the satire wasn’t home
an editorial in any edition of     grown satire at all. Now that the   This term saw the first implementation
Uptight so far but there’s a first moment is passed, we would          of the Draconian MSBO at the Mount
                                                                       School.(see New Boy.. this edition-
time for everything. Readers       like to reassure all our readers    page 5). What would our founding
may or may not be aware that       that we will continue to provide    fathers have made of it all? We believe
there has been a hostile takeover high quality entertainment as        it is a gross over-reaction to the event
bid for Uptight. Yes. Shocking well as running jokes which             and that Michael Buntard has been
… but the good news is that it     can’t be matched. A welcome         made an unnecessary example of. Af-
                                                                       ter all, as a Quaker establishment, we
has been foiled by a combina-      boost was given to the editorial    profess to look for that of God in eve-
tion of good sense and some        team here (who were bordering       ryone and let’s face it, if God had not
shuttle diplomacy of a sort not on the ‘paranoic’ for a short          intended us to have cakes, he would
seen for many years. We can        time) when they received a let-     have made this abundantly clear before
reveal that the parties involved ter of support signed by all          now. We believe that Buntard was
                                                                       only guilty of a minor breach of eti-
in the so called coup were bas- members of the school commit-          quette and should be given an uncondi-
ing their claim on the fact that   tee. In the letter they claimed     tional pardon and released from the
under new management, the          that they looked forward to Up-     terms of this MSBO forthwith. He has
magazine would be more effi-       tight coming out (no, not like      borne his punishment with good grace
ciently run and … hold your        that, dolt) and said that school    and sleeping dogs should be allowed to
                                                                       lie (down that is, not tell porkies).
breath … funnier. In fact it was founder George Fox, polar ex-
  PAGE      4

                                           Brief Encounters (again)
                                 More news on the briefing and            been able to see or hear what has
                                 staff room refurbishments sto-           been going on and this has led to
                                 ries have winged their way to            a novel suggestion from the staff
                                 our office, this time inextricably       room refurbishment sub-
                                 linked. Following the demise             committee. We can now reveal
                                 (Uptight 2) and return (Uptight          that plans are well advanced to
                                 3) of staff briefing, there have         put a pulpit into the staff room to
                                 been more developments. Brief-           alleviate this problem. The Rev
                                 ing has been streamlined by the          Julio Hompshire has made the
                                 introduction of the brief-               suggestion that a “spare” one
                                 ing book. This is a small,               from her parish might be avail-
                                 black, handsome, hand tooled             able soon. As she says, she is
                                 leather edition, resembling (from        more of a “hands on” vicaress
                                 the outside) the Book of Com-            and it’s difficult to be hands on
                                 mon Prayer. Staff are invited to         when you’re 10 feet up in the air.
                                 write their innermost thoughts           Muddletum enterprises are known
                                 in it every day. In fact, we can         to be watching a certain item on
                                 now reveal that the DIY article          ebay. Whatever happens, Uptight
                                 in this very edition of Uptight          will be there in the forefront of
                                 was based on this idea since it          the news and details will be pub-
                                 was so popular. The Headmis-             lished as soon as we know.
                                 tress reads out loud the inner-          Sources close to the Church of
                                 most thoughts every morning for          England are known to be looking
                                 the inward digestion of the staff.       at a donation of a carmine col-
                                 The main problem has been that           oured expensive bit of rope to put
                                 the crush in the staff room in           across the pulpit for times when it
                                 the morning has meant that               isn’t being used to stop people
                                 some members of staff have not           playing at being the headmistress.

                                     COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN
No. Not the classic Led Zeppelin           miles of telephone cabling cun-       a welcome return. More
track from the late ‘70s but the school    ningly concealed around the           contentious is the super advanced
telephone system. Our intrepid inves-      school but nobody knows exactly       forward thinking which has been
tigative team have been putting their      where or which end is connected       put into the Mount school system.
noses into other peoples business          to which other end. We can exclu-     Ours is to be a two way Tannoy
again and we can now reveal a few          sively reveal that plans are well     system which means that all con-
shocking facts about plans for upgrad-     advanced for installing a Tannoy      versations in the school would be
ing the system. The sad fact is that the   system into the school. When we       heard by everybody and that there
system has been poorly since the old       asked our sources about this and      would no longer be any excuse for
college corridor was pulled down and       suggested that this was a bit of an   people saying that they weren’t told
some members of staff at the far end       old fashioned idea, we were told      anything. Whether this will mean
of the school haven’t been heard from      that for once, the Mount was at       that there will no longer be a need
since. But help is at hand. A little       the forefront of modern educa-        for staff briefing is as yet unde-
known fact is that there are 2000          tional thinking and that along with   cided, but you can be sure that
                                           old fashioned A levels being rein-    when developments develop, Up-
                                           stated within the next few years,     tight will be there reporting it for
    UPTIGHT                                Tannoy systems would be making        you.
  VOLUME         2    ISSUE       2

       Imports and Exports                                                                                            PAGE    5

     Links between The Mount School York
    and the Republic of China were
    strengthened this week with the arrival
    of yet another consignment of cheap
    Chinese goods. Although import – ex-
    port expert Derk Chivers was unavail-
    able for comment as we went to press,
    the latest arrivals bore all the hallmarks
    of his shadowy dealings. An exclusive
    picture shows considerable numbers of
    instruments rarely seen in Yorkshire as
    well as the possibility that he might also
    have started dealing in clothing. Al-
    though there is no direct evidence to
    suggest that he may have had a hand in
    the recent ‘bra wars’ incident, a con-
    signment of plus fours and boater hats
    seems to have found its way into the
    school uniform shop. Our undercover                   Microintonation Time as the Mount School Wind Quadrintu-
    correspondent, Lucy Lemieux, in the                     plet Checks out another consignment from the Far East.
    uniform shop has noticed a larger than
    normal number of Lycra Culottes being
                                                                         Picture Courtesy of the B. Perx Archives
    sold. We have also seen evidence of
    containers such as those used for inter-
    national trade in the school car park.

                                                                          Home Notes From Abroad.
                                      glad that I was going to suc-        An Old Bursar Speaks
           Co            Dear         ceed her in the saddle! Any-
    s ar’s       Friends,             way, the cowboy and the
B ur        Well at last, after       bear, as I fondly refer to
                                                                        Well. Ecky thump as they        loads of money in the
       all this time in the           them have rigged up what I
                                                                        say in these parts. Now         bank. But I suppose the
  wings, it’s good to have the        believe is a first; a computer
  chance to have a column of          that can be operated at a         that Alan and I have            worst thing about it is
  my very own without any             swift canter. As well as my       had a few months in the         the cakes – they just
  reference to cakes or la-           ‘buy a computer over any-         tropics, I thought I’d          don’t seem to have got
  dies. Of course, it’s been          thing over 2 months               take the opportunity to         the hang of it and I
  very hard work this term            scheme’ we’ve also man-           let you all know how our        long for a food parcel
  but I feel as though I’m just       aged a huge turnover of           missionary position is          with (say) a Victoria
  about there and I’d like to         staff in my office and plans      going. It’s been swings         sponge in it. The local
  tell you about some of my           are well advanced for mov-        and roundabouts –               ‘delicacy’ is a thing
  new schemes. As part of             ing all the secretarial staff     there’s so much that I          called the Eccles cake.
  the new equestrian centre           into my office so I can keep      wish we could have              Named after a village
  complex which, if I say so          an eye on them. And then          brought with us – but by        somewhere in the jungle.
  myself, is ahead of schedule,       there’s the 20% if you can
                                                                        and large, we’ve settled        Well I can tell you that
  I have been piloting a new          keep out of the car park
                                                                        well into our new life. Of      they are truly frightful
  way of working. It’s called         scheme though there must
                                                                        course, my new school is        and I haven’t yet seen
  ‘working from home’ and             be a mole somewhere since
  Diana and I have put a lot of       that one seems to have            positively swimming             anyone who can eat one
  effort into making sure that        gone public without me            with money. They take           in a way that is ap-
  it can work before running          sanctioning it. I must ask my     sending children to             proaching what we
  it out to the staffroom at          friends at Uptight to investi-    school very seriously           would think of as being
  large. You may think, from          gate security in the office       here on the windward            civilized. If you can
  the picture, that I haven’t         before the next issue. So,        side of the Pennines. The       imagine a large num-
  been working at all but with        happy Christmas and a             disadvantage is the             ber of caramelized flies
  the help of those clever            prosperous New Year.              cash economy. Some-             encased in pork pie pas-
  men from the ICT depart-                                              times I have to have a          try, you’d be getting
  ment, I can do email, Sage,                                           bodyguard when I go to          somewhere
  SMT and nearly everything                                             deposit the suitcase            near the        Anne
  else from horseback. Anne
  always said that she was
  Julie Bursar                                                  Note the clever use of
                                                                a graphics tablet
           Parents’ Evening Gives Physics High Profile
   Staff were shocked recently to see the              ents enter the room from the other end
   extent to which the Physics department              pretending to be another chemical (say
   seems to be affecting the everyday                  Hydrochloric acid). There will inevita-
   running of the school. Confused and                 bly be a concentration gradient of both
   ashen faced staff members were bewil-               staff and parents and by random mo-
   dered when a new way of doing par-                  tion, there will be a collision at some
   ents’ evenings was announced. Some                  point during the evening. This will al-
   were even heard to utter the immortal               low a reaction (or parent interview) to
   lines “I was never any good at Physics              take place. In our analogy, ammonium
   at school”, a line usually reserved for             chloride will be formed as well as wa-              Overhead Projector Charts
   the parents of most students. So, for               ter (I think) but as we all know, you                 Progress of Reaction
   the benefit of the bewildered, this is              can take analogies too far since for the
   how it works. All members of staff                  whole process to work properly, the
   enter the designated room at one end,               chance encounter can only be allowed
   pretending to be molecules of some                  to happen for a short time after which
   chemical or other (say ammonia). Par-               the process starts all over again.

   Plotting the Rise of ChaRTism
   We knew it couldn’t be that hard. Didn’t we?        opposed to a Tour de France). Staff
   This term, staff at the Mount really got to grips   were enthusiastic and went so far as to
   with MIDYIS. In an elegant exposition for the       make some suggestions for future
   layman in which real and ‘mock’ data was            “inset” (you may feel that you want to
   seamlessly intermingled, the process by which       add this one to your list on page 3
   the psychedelic charts (which are believed          along with a few well chosen words
   (along with an eighth of an ounce of ‘Love          about it.) One suggestion was over-
   Lane Gold’) to have inspired the recent ‘Hippy      heard - “perhaps they could give the editors at
   Day’ (see page 2, this issue)) are produced was     Uptight some lessons about the use of brack-
   explained in words of getting on for one sylla-     ets.” Pass the MSBO we say—the brackets
   ble. We also got an insight into what they all      remain—if something’s worth reading it’s
   mean and how we could use them in our               worth struggling over and don’t forget it.
   teaching. It was a technical tour de force (as

   New Bursar in Mega Giveaway
She’s certainly arrived with a bang. We refer of course to our
new bursar and her car parking scheme. The scheme to give
a 20% pay rise to any member of staff who doesn’t use the
car park was given a mixed reception on its announcement.
Those members of staff who come from such far flung
places as Ripon and Acomb and who do not have calf mus-
cles suitable for the Tour de France (see Dressing Up—this
edition) were less than pleased but a good number of staff
have raleighed round. brushed the cobwebs off their Penny
Farthings and Boneshakers and enthusiastically started to
cycle to work (see picture). “Although we’ve had to invest in
Lycra Culottes, the money has been well spent”, claimed a
breathless and 20% richer member of the new cycling group.
“We’re with the bursar all the way, although the parking fa-
cilities are not as good as those provided for the few mem-
bers of staff who bring a horse to work.” Meanwhile, the                           Some of the Mount School’s Finest Rush to
new stable block continues to go up apace in the space pro-                           Take Advantage of New Bursar’s
vided by the old College corridor and the 3rd floor ‘indoor
school’ is expected to bring many students in from Queen
                                                                                         Picture Courtesy of the B. Perx Archive
Ethelburga’s College.
                                             New Boy Eats All the Cakes
        Yarroo! It was an unprecedented               hold of them. We understand that
        event, Uptight was told. You                  words were had after the incident
        could feel the ripples as far away            and that the aforementioned Beak
        as Friargate (which has been                  issued the miscreant with a
        renamed Greyfriarsgate). We                   MSBO. As far as we are aware,
        hope it will never happen again               this is the first time that such
        said a spokesperson for the                   measures have been implemented
        Friends of Jewish Pastries Asso-              at the Mount. For those who have
        ciation. Events unfolded one                  missed this, the MSBO
        morning as new boy, Michael                   (pronounced Muzzbo) is short for
        Buntard of the Remove, was                    Mount School Behaviour Order
        surprised to be asked a question              and is loosely based on the gov-
        by the Beak. Unfortunately for                ernment’s ASBO initiative. A
        him, temptation had got the bet-              spokesperson for the SMT told us
        ter of him and he was caught red              that being part of a community has
        handed eating a sumptuous                     both rights and responsibilities and
        plateful of tasty delicacies that             that sanctions were only right if
        had been left within his reach.               we were to remain a microcosm of
        The hapless pastries didn’t stand             society as a whole. (See editorial,
        a chance once Buntard had got                 page 3).

                     Hompshire Ordained
We are pleased to announce that the erst-                               quiries by this organ (fnarr fnarr) led to
while hot-desking SIMS, uniform and innu-                          the discovery that not content with having
endo supremo, Julio Hompshire has taken                            mysterious ways herself, she had joined
another role. Regular readers of Uptight will                      forces with the originator of moving in mys-
have followed with interest her mysterious                         terious ways (his wonders to perform) and
ways, popping up in unexpected places do-                           gotten herself officially ordained. “The dog
ing things right then disappearing as myste- Julio exhibiting the collar doesn’t really suit – I don’t like the
                                              latest in chafe free
riously as she appeared. For a time, there                          chafing” she confided, when tracked down to
was even a theory that she really was two                           her native parish. “But I do like the blessings
people and had led the French resistance at some            – there just aren’t enough of them around, don’t
point in her life. Her new role was discovered quite you agree?” We say “More Blessings, Julio”. We
by accident in casual conversation. A shower of             await further developments which are almost
blessings was bestowed on all and sundry (or was            bound to happen before Uptight is another issue
it a Mondry) by Ms. Hompshire and assiduous en-             old.

                          Book Week Update
 The News In Brief

                     Staff and school alike were surprised and shocked this term when an extract from Lady Chatterley’s Lover was read
                     out in morning meeting to celebrate ‘Book Week’. Although a spokesperson for the English department wasn’t avail-
                     able at the time of going to press, it is believed that the book is considered essential reading for all year 8 and above
                     and the loveable if excitable Mellors is a popular character, indeed, one of the Bronte sisters’ finest male characters.

                     ICT Goes on “Charm Offensive”
                     In a bid to slough off the negative image they have so richly deserved over the years, the ICT department have been
                     told to get rid of the socks with “User Error” embroidered on them, get some new ones and damn well pull them up,
                     we can reveal.

                        Perx Archive to be Expanded
                     In response to the many emails we have received recently, (see back page for a small selection) asking us about the
                     fine quality of the images we use in Uptight, we can reveal that the source of the images is the renowned Perx Ar-
                     chive, founded shortly after the invention of the Daguerrotype by Field Marshall B. Perx. A little known fact is that
                     the word Daguerrotype literally means ‘ex-army type’. The good news is that the archive is to be expanded and hosted
                     on the new school web site. For full details please email us at uptight@mount…….etc…….
Letters and e-mails to the editor
  This term has seen record numbers of e-mails sent to our office. Largely this is be-
  cause those endearing boys in the IT office have signed us all up to as many newslet-
  ters as they could find in case anyone should complain to them that they weren’t re-
  ceiving e-mails. It’s certainly worked and we’ve been literally inundated. For the un-
  initiated, we ought to explain that a Spam Filter is not a slotted spoon used by the
  cholesterol conscious although what it is is a mystery yet to be explained. On the
  other hand, we haven’t had any real letters. We believe that this is because nobody
  has sent us any on account of there only being an e-mail contact address. On bal-
  ance, the editors believe that it’s safer this way. For obvious reasons, the identities
  of the senders of e-mails have been omitted.
                                                                                                     Can anybod
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                     ct vouc hers for                        we would g despondent and won-               like to go to Italy, spend
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                                                    Quotable Quotes—who do you think said
                                                       •       Are you supposed to put petrol in it?

                                                       •       Which end of the battery is which?
     H                                                 •       Where am I supposed to be going?

     G                                                 •       I haven’t received an e-mail today
                       Just for Fun
     I              Name the Publication •                     I think the IT department are wonderful (or words
     T                                                         to that effect)

                             n Big prizes this Christmas for our caption competition. All you need to do is
                           io add a caption to any of the photographs in this edition and send it to us at up-
                     pet to stand a chance of winning one of our mega
               C   om       prizes. No correspondence will be entered into and the editor’s decision is final.
                            Please, no brackets in the captions—it makes them very hard to understand. This
       ti                   year’s competition is sponsored by the B. Perx Archive.
 C   ap

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