ALWAYS TRUTHFUL                                                        JUNE 4,2009                                                        ALWAYS FREE

        WHO WANTS IT?
                                                                                                              Smack that Dick
 By Buddy Love                                         other hand,tends to bring out a man’s ten-
             aybe you’ve heard the stories going
 M           around about how within a few
             years,a birth control pill for men will
 be just as available as the ones currently pre-
                                                       dency to redecorate the bedroom while listen-
                                                       ing to Bette Midler records.
                                                             Hacking your testosterone levels seems to
                                                       be the preferred and nearest-to-market means
                                                                                                              ByThe NewYorker

                                                                                                                         nce again Calabasas I’ve been de-
 scribed for women. Those rumors are true.
 What may not be as evident is why you,as a
 healthy,120 million-sperm-a-minute guy,may
 not ever want to get near anything like them.
                                                       of a male birth control pill. But just as with es-
                                                       trogen for women,messing with those levels
                                                       can have nasty side effects with your body’s
                                                               other organs. Oh,and did I mention
                                                                                                              O          railed from writing about what I love
                                                                                                                         and live for. The search for simple
                                                                                                              pleasures of culinary excellence. Taste bud
                                                                                                              dynamite. The best burrito,prize fries,super
 Ever.                                                             how lowering your fertility levels via     sandwich or most delicious dog. But yet
       Sure,pills sound really conven-                              testosterone also decreases your          again,I‘ve been distracted by something that
 ient, but when you get right down                                  manly traits – including your sex         is giving me stomach pains and will not be
 to the science of how this stuff                                   drive? Yup. That’s why men who            gotten rid of with a Pepto Bismol. So as I’m
 works,it makes you think twice be-                                   opt for implants under their skins      sitting in my car in NewYork City,waiting to
 fore you wash anything down with                                      will require a shot of testosterone    park my car on glamorous Park Avenue,I’ve
 that next Red Bull.                                          every month or two. Yikes.                      had to rethink the content of my story.
       First,remember that just about                        Fearing that men may not want to play                  If you’ve been watching television,there
 any pill you take is systemic,which means that        the hormone game,medical science has come              has been a face that as of January 20th,should
 while the chemicals eventually make their way         up with even stranger strategies for limiting a        have disappeared back into the depths of
 to their appointed destinations,they also invade      man’s fertility. One of my favorites,as pub-           which it came. From his appearances on
 just about every other cell in your body,too.         lished by        Meet the Press,Face the Nation or the sound
 So whatever you’re loading into your man              bc-pill.htm essentially uses a protein so that –       bytes on the Daily Show and Colbert Report,
 parts is going to get spread around to your           and I’m not kidding here – your sperm lose             and the opening skit on SNL’s season finale.
 other functioning organs,too — usually hit-           the ability to wag their little tails. That’s right,         FormerVice President Dick Cheney has
 ting your kidneys and liver the hardest.              the plan is to keep your sperm healthy,but par-        been hitting the circuits hard,bemoaning
       Second,the more you learn how these             alyze them so that they can’t swim anywhere.           how he is the only man who knows what’s
 puppies are designed to work,the less they re-              Of course,nobody has put forth any pre-          best for National Security. How the current
 semble medicine,in favor of something out of          dictions of what long term effects any of these        administration is leading us down a path of
 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. The traditional ap-      methods might have on a man’s health. But              destruction. How under his watch,we were
 proach to pill-driven birth control utilizes hor-     we still aren’t sure if the women’s pill had any-      never attacked on American soil.
 mones to throw your reproductive system out           thing to do with the rash of breast cancers out              Hey Dick! Remember 9/11? Wasn’t
 of whack. Pumping women with hormones                 there.One thing is pretty likely: If a birth con-
 like estrogen,for example,can start and stop          trol pill is accepted by men,it will probably                                         See“Dick”Page 4
 their production of viable eggs. But it also can      mean a steep decrease in the use of condoms,
 play havoc with blood pressure,strokes,cancer
 and a host of other side effects. In men,testos-
                                                       which in turn could herald the resurgence of
                                                       sexually transmitted diseases all over again.           NO PRINT ISSUES
 terone – you know,the junk that makes a man
 a real man – is the main attraction. Apparently,
                                                             Hey,you want to junk up your system
                                                       with hormones like a cow being fed for
                                                                                                                OVER SUMMER!
 the more testosterone you add,the more mas-           slaughter,that’s your business. As for me,I’m              SUBSCRIBE TO GET YOUR
 culine you get,at least until a certain point:        sticking with my old latex friends. At least            COPIES ONLINE OVER SUMMER
 then your hair starts to fall out and your mind       with those,I know my kids won’t be born       
 splinters into bits. Too little testosterone,on the   with a toes growing out of their heads.
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                                                                                                                                                               Page 2

                           The Constitution: Ignored?                                                                      iPod/iPhone 3.0
                                                          The high school newspaper without the high school.

 by Christian S.T.Foster                                                                                                   By ShapurpleAhorra
        or some reason,I have had a feeling that                         Congress into this Union;but no new
 F      Presidents,both houses of Congress,and
        the Supreme Courts over the years have
 either signed into law or passed laws that were
 unconstitutional or made rulings that had no
                                                                         States shall be formed or erected within
                                                                         the Jurisdiction of any other State;nor
                                                                         any State be formed by the Junction of
                                                                         two or more States,or parts of States,
                                                                                                                           S o I’m guessing a lot of you out there
                                                                                                                             own an iPhone. And if not,then you’re
                                                                                                                             probably one of the rest of us who wish
                                                                                                                       we did. I mean,what’s not to like about an
 constitutional basis respectively.                                      without the Consent of the Legislatures       iPhone? They’re sleek,shiny,fun,practical,
      Wait a minute: They have! Why? Because                             of the States concerned as well as of the     entertaining,and extremely simple to use.
 they can! The general populace,unfortunately,                           Congress.”                                    When these magical devices came out,I just
 does not take time out of their day to read the                     -Article IV                                       kept thinking,“Whoa,how could this possi-
                                                                                 ,Section I,Clause 1,Constitution of the
 very document that dictates what their federal                                                 United States ofAmericably get any better?”
 government can and cannot do. For example,                            Note: This clause did not say that states did-        But guys… you won’t believe it… it to-
 have you read the entire Constitution of the United               n’t have the right to secede on their own. In       tally does get better!
 States ofAmerica? If you haven’t,I wouldn’t be                    other words,this ruling had no constitutional                       The new iPhones and iPod
 surprised. In this article,I’ll give you examples                 basis.                                                             Touches will be running on a
 of such unconstitutional laws passed by Con-                          3. “Roe v.Wade”                                                 new system,come summer,
 gress and signed into laws by the Presidents,the                      Disclaimer: I know that an overwhelm-                           called OS 3.0.This new sys-
 Supreme Court ruling on cases with no consti-                     ing majority of the readers of and contribu-                        tem will have a bunch of great
 tutional basis,and general misconceptions about                   tors to the Calabasas Free Press,such as                            new features,like full cut,copy,
 the United States government structure.                           myself,are on the“pro-choice”side of the                            and paste,being able to send
     1. “The United States ofAmerica is a                          abortion debate. However,I feel it is impor-                       photos,contacts,audio files and
 democracy.”                                                       tant to include this case.                                      location via MMS,turn-by-turn
    This is the stupidest assumption I have ever                         Roe v.Wade was a Supreme Court case,                GPS for the Google Maps application,
 heard. It says in plain English inArticle IV,Sec-                 decided in 1971,which determined whether            voice memos that you can trim,and HDTV
 tion IV of the Constitution that the United                       or not some state and federal laws that re-         streaming for audio and video. 3.0 will even
 States is a republic,not a democracy:                             stricted abortion were unconstitutional. The        be compatible with Bluetooth technology.
       “The United States shall guarantee to every                 verdict was that that those aforementioned          In addition,it’ll have a universal search en-
       State in this Union a Republican Form of                    laws were unconstitutional,and that based on        gine, (much like the Spotlight feature on the
       Government.”                                                the due process clause of the Fourteenth            Macbooks) which searches your entire
      -Article IV,Section IV ,Constitution of the United           Amendment,which reads as follows:                   iPhone/ iTouch for whatever keywords you
                                       States ofAmerica                  “…nor shall any State deprive any person      type in.
     2. “Texas v.White”                                                  of life,liberty,or property,without due             Unfortunately,the iPhone Software 3.0
    The verdict of this Supreme Court case,de-                           process of law…”                              does not include some of the features we’ve
 cided in 1869,included that it was unconstitu-                        - Due Process Clause,FourteenthAmendment to     all been waiting for,such as video capture,
 tional for a state to secede from the Union,                           the Constitution of the United States ofAmericavoice-dialing,background processing and of
 unless the other states voted unanimously in                                                                          course Adobe Flash support,but Apple is
 favor permission for that to secede (leave),based                     The abortion laws of the day did not vio- working on including these elements in later
 onArticle IV,Section I,Clause 1 of the Consti-                    late any due process,and so,the resulting ruling versions of the software.
 tution, which reads as follows.                                   had no constitutional basis.                              The new iPhones and iPodTouches will
       “New States may be admitted by the                              4. Most federal laws                            come standard with this new system when
                                                                       Most federal laws,such as those prohibiting this software is released. Otherwise,current
                                                                   the use of certain recreational drugs,are un-       iPhone users will be upgraded for free,while
                                                                   constitutional. You read correctly: Federal         people with iPodTouche owners will have to
                          PUBLISHER                                laws prohibiting recreational drug use are un- pay $9.95 for these latest features.
                      Ricky Frankel                                constitutional. This stems from theTenth
                                                                   Amendment,which reads as follows:
         All articles and images contained herein are the sole           “The powers not delegated to the United
  property of the authors and contributors,to whom we are                States by the Constitution,nor prohibited
  grateful. The Calabasas Free Press provides a voice to all             by it to the States,are reserved to the
  those who wish to express their views.
         Articles,news,opinions and images are gladly wel-               States respectively,or to the people.”
  comed via upload at:                  -TenthAmendment to the Constitution of the
  You may upload anonymously,but we ask you submit a                                           United States ofAmerica
  real e-mail address so that we can contact you if necessary.
  The publishers reserve the right to determine which con-
  tent is or is not published in the Calabasas Free Press and do       This article does not include the authority
  their best to assure the veracity of each and every item         to restrict the use of recreational drugs. In
  published.                                                       other words,those federal laws are unconstitu-
         Letters to the editor may be e-mailed to:                 tional. These are just four examples of uncon-                             stitutional travesties. We cannot allow the
         Submission of a letter to the editor grants the Cal-
  abasas Free Press permission to use the letter in part or        federal government to ignore our founding
  whole as the publishers see fit.                                 documents any longer!

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                                                                                                                                              Page 3

 by Ricky Frankel
                            America’s Third War
           ere we go again everyone! Despite        to North Korea you’ll see a huge difference.
 H         the fact that the United States is al-
           ready involved in two wars,it con-
 tinues to police the world. Who are we
 policing this time? North Korea.But before
                                                    Number two is that we have nuclear,chem-
                                                    ical, biological weapons that actually work.
                                                    The third reason is that the international
                                                    community is starting to get pissed off at
 I get to that,let’s go through what North          North Korea.And remember,that most of
 Korea really is.North Korea is an oppressive       these allies have working nukes as well.The
 dictatorship with a twist of communism in          fifth reason is that we have spy satellites
 it (a Stalinist regime). Its economy is in         looking down on North Korea’s activity.
 shambles. Its people are starving. And the         Number six is that even North Korea’s best
 money it does have goes towards its                    ally is China and even it is getting an-

                                                                                                      Go Away Green Day!
 leaders’multimillion-dollar houses                        noyed.The seventh reason brings me
 and military. It’s not like we been ig-                     back to America being the world’s po-
 noring the poverty there. We have                          liceman. History has shown (World
 sent aid to them -- but the North                          War One andWorldWarTwo) that
 Koreans reject it.                                         whenever the American army shows
       The North Koreans have about a                     up late to a war we ultimately win it.I     By FlankWanderer
 one million-man army and they have                        think we should wait and keep our eye         t has been five years (since the release of
 been testing their own nuclear
 weapons. Do we really need this?
 Our economy is hurting and we are
 involved two wars already. Why not
                                                              on North Korea.There really isn’t a
                                                               major reason to go to war with
                                                               them anyways,unless they start at-
                                                            tacking us,but I highly doubt that will
                                                                                                      I  the album American Idiot) that people
                                                                                                         could not get enough of a seemingly
                                                                                                      never ending Green Day fad.
                                                                                                           Having disappeared for a short time,
 let China,Russia,Europe,Japan and                        happen.Plus,do we really need to            Green Day has returned with a new album,
 South Korea deal with the North? Has                     spend money on another war? Imagine         21st Century Breakdown,which was released
 North Korea actually done anything to                   the budget deficit then! Imagine the         on May 15,2009. So far,the most popular
 the United States yet? No. Why do we                     military casualties!                        song on the album is KnowYour Enemy,
 have to police the world all the time? As you            I say we butt out and let the country’s     which consists of four notes for more than
 can tell by the war in Iraq it’s become quite      surrounding North Korea take care of the          two-thirds of the song. Green Day’s songs
 a pain in the ass to do so.                        problem.If we need to come to the rescue          have always been rather simplistic,sticking to
       We should not be scared of the North         again,history,our military technology,and         the same 4 chords in just about every song,
 Koreans for a lot of reasons.But before I list     most of the world is on our side.There really     each with similar rhythms. Now they have
 them,we have to start not listening to the         isn’t anything to worry about until some-         come back with what they think is a new
 news as much.I swear to God if I see one           thing happens.Has anything happened? No.          sound,and some great new songs.
 more pointless“Fox Alert”I’m going to go           It will be very surprising if something does           However,I find that I ask myself:

                                                                                  Smoke-Free Zone
 crazy.But back to my reasons.The first one         happen because most of the time North                  Wasn’t I listening to the same 4 chords
 is land size.If you compare the United States      Korea has been bluffing and full of shit.         and 5 notes five years ago?

                                                    by Joe Camel
                                                             iving in the US is a really                          limping around towns,sneezing

                                                    L        confusing thing for me. I
                                                             see fat people walking
                                                    down the street with a ham-
                                                    burger and no one bats an eye.
                                                                                                                  on all those who pass by.
                                                                                                                      What really blows my mind is
                                                                                                                  that until about forty years ago,
                                                                                                                  when good ol’Reader’s Digest
 OF HIGH SCHOOL KIDS                                But if a perfectly healthy indi-
                                                    vidual has a cigarette in their
                                                                                                                  published an article on the possi-
                                                                                                                  ble risks of smoking unfiltered
  BY THEIR EYEBALLS                                 mouth,it’s like they are putting a
                                                    gun to their head.
                                                                                                                  cigarettes,everything was fine and
                                                                                                                  dandy. Smokers were welcomed
    Advertise in the Calabasas Free Press                  I’m sick of living in a soci-                          with open arms and never ban-
        It’s cheap.It’s easy.It works.              ety were smoking is looked                                    ished to street corners or desig-
                                                    down upon and any Joe Shmoe can walk              nated smoking areas. Nowadays,smokers are
         Create your ad,upload it                   up to me and tell me how bad it is. If I          seen as wretched people with a disease and
               and you’re done.                     want someone’s opinion I’ll ask someone           are treated as such. I dream of a day when               who knows two shits.                              smokers and non smokers can hold hands
                                                           Luckily for me I don’t.                    and love one another in perfect harmony.
                                                           Obviously,smokers are aware of the              Smokers,don’t get discouraged. And if
                                                    risks of smoking but choose to do it because      you can put it down,do -- but only if you
                                                    it is something they enjoy and cherish.           want to,not because you’re forced into it by
                                                    Smokers are treated like a clan of lepers,        the upturned noses of society.

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                                                                                                                                           Page 4

                                                                         High School students:
                                                                        More like players and hos
 that you on watch? Isn’t that the day you’ve
 made your party’s battle cry? You and your
 cohorts tromped around for the better part of
 seven years with 9/11 as the only reason for      By Na’ama Goldfill
 your being in power.                                   slouch in my seat,with my boobs spilling   show a person affection for them by writing
      The list of sins,misjudgments,misrepre-
 sentations, blatant lies and downright criminal
 activity Dick is responsible for is long. And
 there are few Dicks as slimy in American His-
                                                   I    from my shirt,my hair messy and my
                                                        mouth full of crackers as I laugh at the
                                                   vulgar jokes onVH1’s ridiculous reality
                                                   show,I Love Money. 20 Pack just totally
                                                                                                   them a song or a note? Why do we refuse
                                                                                                   to talk to people we are attracted to?
                                                                                                      What happened to the innocence of teens’
                                                                                                   appearance in the 1950’s? To the long
 tory.                                             dissed Myamee’s ass.(Myamee?) I know it is      skirts and high-waisted pants? Back then,
      Once voted out of office,Dick should         the most stupid show ever broadcast,but         one could look stylish and sophisticated
 have just shriveled up and gone away. But         every once in a while,I let myself indulge in   showing off “booty.” As the world became
 not this Dick. This Dick flaunts and thrusts      this guilty pleasure.I take a look at my dis-   less conservative and more modern -- the
 himself on the public. Was it not his adminis-    gusting self and note that Grandma would        music,television,movies,games,and cloth-
 tration that would answer any criticism with,     not be proud to see her eldest grandchild       ing -- every aspect of western culture be-
 “you’re helping the enemy,your not support-       like this.                                      came progressive and non-traditional. That
 ing our troops,you’re helping Al Qaida,                  I have recently taken notice that the          was a giant leap in the progression of
 you’re soft on terror?” Should the same not       vulgarity and disgrace I see in myself is not           western culture. It enabled necessary
 apply to Dick? Shouldn’t Dick be publicly         only present within me,but within                       changes throughout modern society
 slapped for criticizing the current administra-   my peers at Agoura High School,as                       that were pertinent to the growth of
 tion for it’s policies?                           well. Obnoxiously cursing and dis-                        our people,but the problem was,
      There’s the rub. This Dick he thinks he’s    respecting adults,our peers and our                        with great progression,came great
 above the common courtesies of politics and       little siblings,how will we survive                        indecency.
 diplomacy.Dick just thinks he can spew out        the professional world beyond the                           Will our culture ever return to the
 his vile diatribes without repercussions. Well    gilded bubble of AHS? What has                              safe and conservative outlook of
 Dick,you’re wrong. Dick,you can be sure           happened to the days when girls and                          life? Probably not. We are too
 you will be beat,slapped and if necessary         boys were polite,respectful“ladies”                            educated and accustomed to a
 pulled and dragged out of the spotlight. You      and“gentlemen?”Not only do we                                 less-formal way of life to regress
 will be slapped till you are raw red and spent.   use crude language and call girls                           to the old,traditional ways. How-
      If the NBA finals go as they should and      derogatory names,but we dress in de-                        ever, I have hope that we will
 nothing else gets to me,I’ll be resuming my       meaning and undignified ways. For ex-                        overcome this“pop-culture”mess
 style article.I leave you with this thought:      ample, Vice is just another opportunity                      that we’re in,this“Britney Spears
      Best Burrito:Holy Guacamole.                 to wear slutty dresses and get wasted.                        slum”that we’re hanging over
                                                      In addition,some of our teens“cul-                          right now (Indie Baseball).
                                                   tural” past times include watching ob-                            On the bright side,the more
                                                   scene television and movies,listening                             androgynous look is super
                                                   to crude music,playing violent video                              trendy. Looking nice,rather
                                                   games,and“courting”the desired sex. By                     than“PHAT”is in style. But the
                                                   courting,of course,I mean physical contact      issue here is not only clothing -- it is the
                                                   or otherwise known as P.D.A.(Public dis-        overall presentation a person should hold of
                                                   plays of Affection).How many times do you       themselves.Respect is the key word.
                                                   see the same couple“getting on with it”               Hopefully,AHS’s students will realize
                                                   right by your locker? Is that really the way    that in the professional world,in the life after
                                                   young ladies and gentlemen should conduct       high school or college,classiness is priceless
                                                   themselves? I think not.                        and a conservative and decent look will nail
                                                      When dances roll around,most people are      the job interview. But don’t wait until your
                                                   excited for the loud music,perfect for          fist job interview to look clean-cut! I chal-
                                                   “grinding”or“freak dancing”. Short,tight        lenge you to pull up those sagging pants,lis-
                                                   dresses and the unsupervised party buses,       ten to Mozart instead of T.I.,open up a
                                                   housing more promiscuous activities with        book instead of zoning out in front of that
                                                   accessories such as stripper poles. What kind   talking (or rather,bleeping) box,or better
                                                   of civilized people only care about being       yet,listen to NPR. Stop cursing and look
                                                   smothered by the opposite sex? Why do           up a new and intelligent word in the the-
                                                   we degrade ourselves by wearing revealing       saurus.
                                                   clothing and listening to vulgar music that           Remember,in the long run,looks fade,
                                                   disrespects our sexualities? Why can we not     but brains last forever!

                                                       NO PRINT ISSUES OVER SUMMER!
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