Six Repair Tools For Your Marriage by snoopdoggywuf

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									Title:
Six Repair Tools For Your Marriage

Word Count:
694

Summary:
Rudy and Marjorie were on the verge of divorce. Married 12 years, they
had constant verbal battles ending in what therapists call call emotional
disengagement— meaning that they simply ignored each other for days on
end.

Emotionally, they were simmering inside and also lonely for each other,
but were unable to reach out and communicate these feelings. They were in
a “cold war” with both waiting for the other to make the first move to
melt the icy atmosphere.

This couple...


Keywords:
anger,anger management,marriage anger,marriage


Article Body:
Rudy and Marjorie were on the verge of divorce. Married 12 years, they
had constant verbal battles ending in what therapists call call emotional
disengagement— meaning that they simply ignored each other for days on
end.

Emotionally, they were simmering inside and also lonely for each other,
but were unable to reach out and communicate these feelings. They were in
a “cold war” with both waiting for the other to make the first move to
melt the icy atmosphere.

This couple suffers a common marital malady—lack of skills to repair
emotional damage done to each other. According to marital research,
almost all couples fight; what often separates the "masters" of marriage
from the “disasters” of marriage is the ability to repair the subsequent
damage.

Acquiring good repair skills gives the couple a way to recover from the
mistakes they may have made. These repair skills provide a“fix” for the
damage caused in attempting to communicate to each other other in a way
that caused emotional hurt to one or both of them.

It is common for partners to make relationship mistakes - after all,
anyone can have a bad day, be under too much stress or just use poor
judgment in dealing with a situation. Rather than emotinally disengaging
from each other or staying angry, try to "fix it" if you are the
offender.
And if you are the receiver of the damage, your challenge is to find a
way to accept your partner’s repair attempt— that is, to see your
partner’s repair attempt as an effort to make things better.

REPAIR TOOL Tool #1—apologize
A simple sincere and heartfelt apology can sometimes do wonders for a
relationship, especially if your partner sees you as a person who never
admits they are wrong or at fault.

Say things like: "I’m sorry; I apologize;What I did was really stupid; I
don’tknow what got into me."

REPAIR Tool #2—confide feelings.
Be honest and share the feelings that are underneath the anger such as
fear, embarrassment, or insecurity. Your partner may respond to you quite
differently if they see those other emotions, instead of just the
anger.Confiding what is in your heart and in your mind can make a huge
difference in promoting understanding, closeness, and intimacy.

Say things like: "I was really afraid for our daughter when I got so
angry;I didn’t want to hurt you; I just lost my cool."

REPAIR TOOL #3—acknowledge partner’s point of view.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with it; just acknowledging it can
decrease tension and conflict because it shows your partner you are at
least listening to them. It also demonstrates empathy—the ability to see
things from their vantage point instead of only yours.

Say things like: "I can see what you mean; I never looked at it that
way."

REPAIR TOOL #4—accept some ofthe responsibility for the conflict.
Very few conflicts are 100% the fault of either partner. Instead, most
conflicts are like a dance with both of you making moves to contribute to
the problem. Inability to accept any responsibility is a sign of
defensiveness rather than the openness required for good communication.

Say things like: "I shouldn't’ have done what I did; I guess we both blew
it; I can understand why you reacted to me that way."

REPAIR TOOL #5—find common ground.
Focus on the issue at hand and what you have in common rather than your
differences. For instance, you might both agree that raising healthy
children is a common goal even though you differ in parenting styles.

Say things like: "We seem to both have the same goal here; we don’t agree
on methods but we both want the same outcome."

REPAIR TOOL #6—commit to improve behavior.
“I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it if you continually repeat the offensive
behavior. Backup words with action. Show concrete evidence that you will
try to change.
Say things like: "I promise to get up a half hour earlier from nowon;
I’ll call if I’m going to be late; I’ll only have two drinks at the party
and then stop."

								
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