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Friday The Independent
February 20, 2004 Cambridge Student
Issue 596 Newspaper since
www.varsity.co.uk 1947
INTERVIEW CUR1350 FEATURES
Sexy Boy Varsity Radio News Show Celebrity Dons
Air chats to Varsity Every Friday at 6pm
Page 8
Too big for their mortarboards?
Page 6
Depression: the last taboo?
Andrew Simms
•Over 1 in 20
students sought
help from the
Counselling
Service last year
•44% rise in
reported cases of
depression
•Fifty students
known to be
“seriously” con-
sidering suicide
Bryan Coll “seriously at risk of suicide”. ly.” Another commented, “I found dispute with her college. Childs increase, CUSU recently put forward
Mark Phippen, Director of the counselling gave me a certain degree of described the college’s approach to the proposals to the university to employ
UCS, believes the “pressure-cooker” inner strength.” student’s condition as “clumsy and a part-time caseworker to liaise with
Increasing numbers of Cambridge stu- intensity of the eight-week However, despite alternatives such complicated” but insists that much students suffering from depression,
dents are suffering from serious Cambridge term contributes signifi- as Linkline (the student run listening needed changes have now been imple- anxiety, self-harm and other mental
depression. Incidents of self-harm and cantly to the high level of depres- service), some students feel under- mented. The student concerned is now health conditions. Cambridge is cur-
eating disorders are also on the sion. He added that the UCS coun- supported, especially by their colleges. considering returning to Cambridge in rently the only major university in
increase. Despite provisions currently selled just under one thousand stu- Varsity was recently contacted by a October after de-grading in frustra- the UK not to have such a casework-
in place, poor communication between dents in 2002/03. This figure means first-year theology student who suffers tion at the college’s failure to facilitate er. The university’s response has been
colleges and the university is prevent- that one in seventeen of the 16,500 from clinical depression. In an email her illness. slow, with CUSU receiving little
ing these individuals from receiving full-time students at Cambridge written at a time of severe anxiety, she Such casework is becoming an positive feedback. Ray Jobling,
the support they need. sought advice from the UCS last makes clear her frustration and anger increasingly frequent aspect of the Secretary of the Senior Tutor’s
The University Counselling Service year - a number almost twice as high at the failure of her college to facilitate work of CUSU sabbatical officers. Committee, argued that existing
(UCS) has seen an 11% increase in the as the national university average. her depression. “My mental illness was Jessica Childs told Varsity that the services for mental health problems
number of students seeking help for Many students have found solutions ridiculed and misunderstood by mem- numbers of severely depressed stu- were sufficient and that employing a
depression. Although incidents of sui- to their problems through the coun- bers of staff. I was treated in a patron- dents contacting the Welfare, part-time caseworker “may not be
cide in Cambridge have dropped selling service. One user credited a ising and ignorant way.” The student Women’s and Academic Officers had the best way forward”.
slightly in recent years, the counselling counsellor with “making me realise in question was supported and repre- “increased significantly” in recent Depression and self-harm were
service is currently supporting fifty why I was thinking things, and in turn sented by CUSU Academic Affairs years and had become “a major part” some of the key themes to emerge...
students whom they consider to be giving me ways of thinking different- Officer Jessica Childs throughout the of their work. In response to this continued on page 4
The region’s best guide to what’s on – see next Thursday’s Cambridge Evening News
02 NEWS Feb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
Battle of the Balls Cam Wealth Test?
MP questions med degree allegations
Downing and Selwyn in snowball fight
Gabriella Jozwiak refusing to take the point, kept their also commented that both events James Rice improving access for poorer students.
ground. An anonymous ‘Goat’ post- could co-exist successfully, without She will therefore be keen to prove that
ed, “I guess the Selwyn Ball does unnecessary hostility on the forums”. the necessity of financial guarantees as a
As this year’s May Ball tickets go on always sell out within a week, so I’m Fitzwilliam also plans to hold a win- Anne Campbell has challenged the condition of entry is a myth. Alison
sale, more competition than usual is sure there will be ‘some’ people who ter ball. One Downing student sug- allegations of Liberal Democrat high- Richards, who in an interview with
brewing. Caius College sold out in are keen for an alternative”. The gested a happy alternative would be er education spokesman for Phil Varsity two weeks ago stated that,
one day, disappointing many who unfriendly reception from Selwyn the Downing ‘Doughball’, with “a Willis, who claimed that a Cambridge “excellence and access were my goals
were promised ‘La dolce vita’. continues for two pages. wide variety of bread products”. The University medicine applicant was from the start”, will also have an interest
Meanwhile, other die-hard students It waits to be seen if Downing will debate dwindles on the forum as asked to prove she had £50,000 avail- in discrediting Mr Willis’s accusations.
prepare to endure the eight-hour cause a problem for Selwyn’s popu- Downing commentators remain con- able to complete her studies. CUSU Access Officer Suzy Butler
queue this Sunday for the legendary larity. The Downing Snowball fident in their ability and steal the In a meeting of the Standing was dismissive of Mr Willis’s statement.
Trinity Ball tickets. The spring balls Officer, Vicky Burgess, insists, “It last line; “the ball’s in our (main) Committee on the Higher Education Pointing out that at present the fees
are underway with Churchill pro- will be a very different event.” She court.” Bill on February 12th, Mr Willis benefit the government rather than the
viding, as one student commented, implied that he personally knew of a university directly, she told Varsity that,
Andrew Sims
“a visual feast”, last Friday, while case where a home student had been “there is absolutely no logical reason
Girton’s much talked-about secret asked to demonstrate their ability to why the University would push for that
line-up is anticipated at the end of pay this sum as a condition of entry. kind of information”. She added that
term. Other colleges, however, have Campbell has called for the allegation to she had not heard of any instances of
graver concerns. The race is cur- be substantiated. Following Mr Willis’ admissions staff asking for evidence of
rently on between Downing and reluctance to give further details in the financial guarantees.
Selwyn for the year’s best winter committee meeting, she has written to The HE Bill Committee has pro-
ball. him asking that the name of the appli- voked controversy from the outset.
This term, Downing’s JCR voted to cant and college applied to be provided, Despite the fact that 72 Labour MPs
hold the College’s first ever snowball, so that she can ask the university to con- voted against the bill’s second reading,
but the decision has sparked an on- duct an investigation into the matter. only one of them – George Mudie – has
line debate between Downing and In the letter Campbell states: “It is been given a seat on the committee.
Selwyn students. Having held suc- not helpful for unsubstantiated allega- Anne Campbell herself represents the
cessful annual snowballs, it appears tions of this kind to be aired in public. only Labour abstainer. Phil Willis ear-
Selwyn are less than happy about the It helps contribute to the environment lier spoke out against the proceedings,
potential competition. Tom Stoddart, wherby studnets from low income back- claiming that, “the government are
Ents and Production Officer at grounds are deterred from applying to stuffing the committee with loyalists…I
Selwyn, began the dispute by leaving Cambridge because they perceive it as could not say that this is a balanced
a sarcastic comment on the Downing an expensice university.” Later she adds: committee”. Campbell has admitted
JCR debate forum, indicating his dis- “Cambridge University has one of the that her arguments in favour of imple-
pleasure that Downing might use the best support systems for students from menting a flat rate rather than variable
term ‘snowball’ as a title for the event. low income backgrounds that exist any- increase fee have “a small chance of get-
He suggests that Downing’s plans are where…it is not the normal practice of ting through because the committee is
unoriginal. Quick to respond, Cambridge University to demand cash stacked with government supporters”.
Downing pointed out that similar from home students”. Consequently many MPs feel that the
‘snowballs’ are held across the coun- Clearly Campbell will be at pains to key decisions on the bill will not be
try, and are not singular to Selwyn. placate student concerns over fees after made in the committee, but on the floor
One student listed web sites for the her controversial abstention in the sec- of the house at report stage or a third
University of Kent’s RAG Snowball, ond reading of the Higher Education reading.
the Bath Student Union Snowball, Bill, narrowly won by the government. Phil Willis declined to comment on
and the NSPCC Snowball among One of the reasons Campbell used to his allegations.
others. He suggests there is “plenty of Great balls of fire! Guests at Churchill’s Spring Ball last Friday were treated to justify her decision was that the reforms
snow to go around.” Selwyn, however, Arabian delights as the college was transformed into a Morrocan souk. would abolish up-front fees, thus
Soldier under attack from CamSAW protest
Local anti-war group ambush Air Marshal at lecture
Andrew Sims
Royal Aeronautical Society and the the action was effective in communi-
Josh Kretman University of Cambridge, claiming cating an anti-war message. Nick
the lecture demonstrates that their Gill of CamSAW commented, “We
Cambridge students and other attitudes “are not directed towards the didn’t manage to stop the lecture or
local anti-Iraq War activists demon- cause of peace.” CamSAW feel their even really significantly disrupt it.
strated their views last Thursday, presence was unfairly regarded: However I think we did convince
when Air Marshal G L Torpy of the “Those who attempted to peacefully some people that Air Marshal’s
Royal Air Force guest lectured at the and non-disruptively distribute Torpy’s version of events is not the
Cambridge Department of only one. The fact that his discourse
Engineering on ‘The Air War in “We didn’t manage to stop is that of the establishment should
Iraq’. not mean that it has the monopoly in
the lecture or even really
Air Marshal Torpy played a promi- public discussion.” One student
nent role in designing the logistics of significantly disrupt it” onlooker called the protest a ‘feeble
the recent bombing campaign in the excuse for a demonstration.’ He
Persian Gulf. His open lecture for the leaflets inside were violently ejected.” added that he believed the student
Cambridge Branch of the Royal Security was provided by local population was losing interest in the
Aeronautical Society, addressed sci- police and security staff at the talk, Iraq war.
entific aspects of the bombing cam- which went on as planned despite the CamSAW was founded in 2001 in
paign launched by British forces in CamSAW students’ demonstration. response to the United States “war on
the Iraq War. He focused on techno- Rob Walden, Program Secretary for terror,” focusing specifically on the
logical advances and changes in the the Cambridge Branch of the Royal conflict in Afghanistan against the
use of air power since the 1991 Gulf Aeronautical Society Taliban. It has since expanded its
War. commented,:“The Air Marshal spoke mission to encompass raising aware-
Cambridge Students Against the for about fifty minutes with around ness and speaking out about the Iraq
War (CamSAW ) organized the fifteen minutes of questions and War. Past protests include anti-
protest in advance and arrived outside answers at the end.” He addressed a Army recruitment on campus and a
the lecture hall with signs, candles, crowd of 140 people, mainly profes- Cambridge appearance by the Junior
and leaflets for distributing. sionals in the aerospace industry and Defense Minister, Adam Ingram. The
According to a press release issued by interested members of the general group also led students in major anti-
CamSAW, Air Marshal Torpy’s on- public. war marches through London last
campus lecture “glorifies the logisti- Following the talk, CamSAW year. Last March, CamSAW organ-
cal, technical and organizational members followed the Air Marshal ized the country’s largest sit-down
aspects of the Iraq offensive, rather down Trumpington Street to his din- protest against the war, with 400 peo-
than its devastating and morally ner engagement at Peterhouse ple blocking traffic at the intersection
unjustifiable cost.” It criticizes The College. Members of CamSAW felt of Lensfield and Hill Roads.
www.varsity.co.uk
NEWS
Feb 20, 2004 03
Don’t look there
... psychologists might be watching you
Gavin A.Versi form that states: “There are no known expected
physical discomforts or risks involved in your par-
ticipation. However, some of the picture-slides you
A psychology experiment involving pornograph- will be shown can make some viewers feel briefly
ic images and covert filming has raised concerns uncomfortable.”
about the ethics of some academic research at the Morris is unsure whether the form gives ample
University of Cambridge. warning. “From the outset you should be told
The study, conducted by Nicole Kramer at the about anything that might cause offence,” he said.
Faculty of Social and Political Sciences, differs “For some people it might be against their religion
from the description students responding to an e- to see [pornographic] images like that.” Kramer
mail invitation are given. “We are running a study refutes this charge: “I think the consent form gives
on the emotional effects of photographs,” reads the sufficient warning,” she insisted.
message. “During the study you will simply be As well as being a study into “the emotional
asked to view some photographs and to fill in some effects of photographs”, the experiment research-
corresponding questionnaires (e.g. concerning your es how people behave when they know they are
emotional reactions). Your participation will be being filmed, compared to how they behave
rewarded with £5.” when unaware of it. Some participants view the
The experiment begins with participants filling images alone, others in pairs; some are told
out a highly personal twenty-five-question survey. beforehand that they are being filmed, while oth-
They are then shown a number of explicit photo- ers are not. Those who view the images in pairs
graphs depicting female masturbation, sexual are told by Kramer that they are doing so
intercourse and full frontal male nudity. Such “because we are short on lab space at the
images are interspersed between non-graphic pic- moment.” This strategy was not received well by
tures that include portraits and photographs of Morris: “That there was someone sat beside me
young children. while I was looking at the images made me feel
After viewing the photos Kramer interviews her uncomfortable to a certain extent.”
subjects on their thoughts as to the purpose of the Herb Pearson, another student to partake in the
study. The true nature of the experiment is then study, has no objections to it. “I don’t honestly see
revealed: cameras hidden in lever-arch files on a any reason whatsoever to be offended by the
bookshelf behind the computer screen have been study,” he said. “People get filmed all the time in
operational throughout. public. Just because the person filming is actually
“Some of the images would seriously offend taking an interest, should we be offended?”
people,” said Owen Morris, a first-year from “Perhaps some people would be embarrassed to be
Magdalene who took part in the experiment. “I can caught goggling at a naked man or ashamed to be
see how some people would be miffed about seen smirking at one of the violent scenes we were
[covert cameras],” he added. shown, but I felt quite amused and happy to have
When asked if she considered volunteers may been involved in it.”
feel a sense of violation about being filmed without Though The Ethics Committee of the
consent, Kramer answered affirmatively: “Yes - but University of Cambridge has approved the experi-
they have the opportunity to get it deleted.” “None ment, the practices employed do not sit easily with
of the 89 people to have taken part – 47 of them all academics. “It’s a tricky one,” said a psychologist
female – requested that the video footage be at the Faculty of Social and Political Sciences, who
destroyed”, says Kramer. did not wish to be named. “I’m glad the research is
All participants are required to sign a consent taking place, but I’m glad I’m not a part of it.”
Girton almost famous
Aisleigh Sawyer finally reached after the Head Porter, Ciarian
O’Loughlin, interfered in the proceedings last
Friday. Student John Haigh rang in to Wogan
Girton College featured on Terry Wogan’s Radio after a 7:30am fire alarm stating “I suspect that
Two show, Wake Up To Wogan, for three con- they do the fire drills at this time of the morning
secutive days last week. to generate more revenue for the breakfast can-
After a student rang-in on Wednesday morn- teen.” To which Wogan simply replied, “I
ing to complain about an early-morning fire thought Girton was a ladies college! What’s your
drill, the trilogy continued with a conclusion game, John?”
To correct this grievous error, Thursday morn-
ing heard yet another ring-in from Girton. “The
“Oh no, bad publicity for Girton!”
only women’s colleges are Newnham and New
Hall, and rumour has it that more lads come out
during fire alarms than women anyway.” “The
Head Porter at Girton was not impressed at the
mention yesterday and an e-mail has been sent to
all members of the college saying not to publicise
the college in such a way.” Wogan seemed
unsympathetic, however, as he laughed “Oh no,
bad publicity for Girton!”
In conclusion to the saga, the Head Porter
fought back on Friday’s show. “We’re having a bit
of stick here from Girton College, Cambridge,”
commented Wogan. Ciarian O’Loughlin, “Head
Porter of this fine seat of learning, Girton”, said
that “the one thing I’ve learnt about students is
never leave my unlit pipe anywhere near
them…the last time I did this some idiot
changed my Gaelic mixture for tea leaves.” “I
eagerly lit my pipe and half my eye-brows. Earl
Grey will never pass my lips again. So, the fire
BBC
drill will continue and the earlier the better.
Terry loves Girton this much! That’ll teach ‘em!” Unlucky.
04 NEWS Feb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
Year out in Iraq Controversial return
Gabriella Jozwiak she had researched the matter very thor-
oughly.” He also comments, “it’s doing
Fomer fellow back to work after ‘Punternet’ scandal
wonders for her Arabic.”
University students are being offered The MoD did not approach Laura-Jane Foley Following his suspension Smith
£200 a day to take a study break and Cambridge students. Dr. Rachael took a pre-planned one term sabbat-
work as interpreters with troops in Harris, Senior Language Teaching ical leave.
Iraq. So far, five have already been Officer in Arabic, found the scheme The controversial former fellow of His imminent return has sparked
trained and are in Iraq, while eleven “appalling”. She points out that, Jesus College, Dr. Peter Smith, will concerns from female students who
more are preparing to go. Cambridge although Arabic is not exactly under be returning to the Faculty of feel uneasy at the prospect of having
students, however, were not funded in Britain, the government Philosophy in April following a two one-to-one supervisions with the ex-
approached. term absence. fellow. CUSU officers are being
The scale of British involvement in “There’s a degree of risk Smith resigned his Jesus post over careful not to comment on the “per-
Iraq means locally recruited interpreters the summer following allegations sonal life” of Dr. Smith. They are
involved in working in Iraq”
are not enough. In October last year the published in the Mail on Sunday, concerned that student’s worries and
Ministry of Defence started a recruit- that the 59 year old had statements refer only
ment campaign in British Universities. would have been better prepared if the enjoyed the free services His imminent return to his reported “misog-
Candidates began their training in study of languages were encouraged. As of prostitutes in return
has sparked concerns ynistic” attitudes. The
December, which included preparation a specialist in the pragmatics of Arabic for giving them positive CUSU Women’s
in military jargon, Iraqi dialects and conversation, she was concerned that internet reviews. These amongst some Officer, Jo Read, stat-
behaviour. They are expected to help in “third and fourth year undergraduates reviews or “field reports” female students ed that it was impera-
the translation of secret documents are not best qualified to handle the sen- as they are referred to on tive for students to
found by coalition forces, and dealing sitive linguistic nuances of politeness.” the Punternet website, were intend- have confidence in “Dr. Smith’s
with the public. The undergraduates receive instruction ed to “inform guys about whether respect for his students and his
Laura Cully, a 21-year-old student from Iraqis employed by The Army’s they’d like to visit a particular lady”. teaching ability”. The University has
from Exeter University is among the Defence School of Languages in The website claims that “the ladies also refused to comment on Smith’s
Varsity Archive
first recruits. Pulling out of the final year Buckinghamshire, which, as who have favourable reports posted Punternet exploits or to attempt to
of her Arabic degree to work in Iraq for Commanding Officer Lieutenant- should see an increase in business as explain his suspension in accordance
up to six months, she now lives in one of Colonel Anthony Rabbitt explains, “is time goes on”. The escort agency with the University statutes.
Sadam’s old palaces. Rising at 0600 for a to make sure they know the difference charges up to £600 an hour for the The Master of Jesus College,
full Army breakfast, she wears a blue between a tank and a fish tank.” services of its employees and the Professor Robert Mair, commented
jacket and helmet to distinguish her According to Dr. Harris, however, it is average visit costs £122, a fee that at the time, “as far as Jesus College is
from troops. Nevertheless, security is not the technical terms that are a prob- was waived for Dr. Smith. concerned, this regrettable matter is more lightly. One second year stu-
tight. The MoD commented, “There’s a lem. Even after a year abroad, she Following the revelation of these now closed”. Unfortunately, the dent commented, “we’ll be having a
degree of risk involved in working in thinks students are “not yet ready to be allegations, Dr. Smith was suspend- credibility of the Philosophy faculty ball with all the feel-osophy and res-
Iraq,” a fact proved by Laura never being reading sensitive documents.” She ed from his teaching position in the has been seriously compromised. erection jokes next term!” Varsity
unaccompanied by soldiers. Her parents would not encourage the current 40 Philosophy faculty for the period While some students see the situa- was unable to reach Dr. Smith for
say they were “shocked” by her decision, undergraduates of the Oriental faculty between September and December. tion as a serious issue, others take it comment.
but Mr Cully adds, “I was quite happy to take up this kind of offer.
Burning out?
Failure of communication blamed
front page continued capita to the service. However, aware-
ness of the numerous services provid-
...from a conference on mental health ed by the Counselling Service varies
in Cambridge that took place last greatly from college to college. Those
Wednesday. Held in St. John’s that provide in-house counsellors for
College, the conference was a joint their students tend to maintain strong
venture between Cambridge links with the university counselling
University and APU. The keynote service. However, only four colleges
speaker, Dr. Mike Hobbs of The Royal currently offer such a facility.
College of Psychiatrists, stated that Although stating that the UCS
effective communication between col- enjoyed "the full support" of most col-
lege authorities, university counsellors leges, Mr. Phippen was keen to point
and the NHS was essential in dealing out that certain prejudices still marred
with the increasing levels of students many opinions of mental illness in
reporting mental health problems. The Cambridge. "Many people assume
issue of self-harm was touched on by that all Cambridge students are con-
many speakers, particularly the rising tent because they are intelligent and
levels of alcohol abuse among well-off." He dismissed such a view as
Cambridge students. Lizz Waller, a "nonsense". He told Varsity: "Some
panellist at the conference, told Varsity students simply can’t adjust to being a
the issue is one often ignored by stu- small fish in a very big pond."
dents and colleges. "Alcohol abuse is a A survey conducted by the UCS
serious form of self-harm and is would appear to support this. "Self-
becoming increasingly prevalent in the esteem and self-confidence issues"
university", she commented. In a bid were chosen by 48% of UCS users as
to provide an alternative to the normal their main reasons for going to coun-
Freshers’ Week, CUSU will be encour- selling. The most recent report from
aging colleges to offer more alcohol- the UCS also challenges the opinion
free events next year. that Cambridge students are somehow
The provision of necessary facilities immune to mental health problems.
for dealing with mental health prob- The report’s conclusion reads: "We
lems falls under the remit of both the need to question why we apparently
colleges and the university. The underestimate the degree of distress,
responsibility for academic support fear or despair which some students
would appear to be that of university experience. Students are expressing
faculties whereas pastoral care is more self-harm and suicidal thought
administered at college level under the than we are recording and feel more at
tutorial system. "This network could risk than we judge them to be." This
be substantially improved", comment- echoes the sentiments of one student
ed Mark Phippen. "There needs to be who recently contacted Varsity: "More
closer co-operation between the uni- and more people from all walks of life
versity and its in-house services", he suffer from depression. This subject
added. The UCS currently costs should no longer be taboo".
£390,000 to run each year. The vast
majority of funding comes from the Linkline: 01223 744444
colleges who contribute £13.50 per Samaritans: 08457 909090
www.varsity.co.uk
NEWS
Feb 20, 2004 05
Strike one: exams under threat
Lecturers’ strike looms after union warns they are not prepared to be “walked all over”.
Gabriella Jozwiak same time period; a classroom teacher
would earn £26,000. He also explained
how senior academics’ pay increases
Cambridge lecturers are set to join a faster than lecturers’, “and that’s not
national strike next week, after voting right.” He says that the AUT, which is
for industrial action. If successful, staff the biggest union of higher education
could be saved from new pay structures teachers in the country, was united with
that would leave them thousands of other academic unions over the propos-
pounds worse off. The protest, howev- als. This is the first time such a unifica-
er, may leave students without teaching tion has occurred, and the contract of
and could mean exams are cancelled. purpose only shows how “very angry”
Some students may be unable to grad- staff are. Falling wages could see a con-
uate this year. tinuance of the ‘brain drain’ effect: “up to
The vote made by the AUT two thousand more academics could
(Association of University Teachers) leave each year.”
saw 66.5% backing strike action, while The strike action has been heavily
81.2% backed action short of a strike. criticized. The UCEA have condemned
The decision to hold the ballot was the decision as “unconstructive”.
made when the higher education Professor Andrew Cliff, Cambridge
Andrew Gillespie
employers’ body, UCEA, dramatically Pro-Vice-Chancellor, commented, “the
called off talks after having failed to welfare of our students is of paramount
negotiate seriously over the AUT’s con- importance to us and a strike can only
cerns about the pay and conditions cause disruption and distraction.” For
offer, made in July 2003. The new pay those Cambridge lecturers who join the
deal could see academic, related and strike, pay will be withheld for each day
research staff facing loses of £47,000 in which they participate.
over 21 years. This threat, the AUT How much effect the strikes will have Could empty benches like these be a common sight in May?
claim, left members with “no option,” remains to be seen. Only 54.4% of the
but to strike this Tueday and AUT’s 47,000 members took part in the AUT were poor, “they don’t really con- with undergraduates who have this and, if any, only among the smaller fac-
Wednesday and 25th February. ballot, thus barely more than a third of sult us on anything.” He feels that the right. Savage sees AUT’s members as ulties. In March, the AUT plan contin-
Nick Savage, Branch Secretary of the the union members explicitly supported AUT, a “nice union”, had not made a being “wholly shut out,” from the ued action in the form of an assessment
Cambridge AUT (CAUT) told Varsity a strike. The figures in Cambridge are stand early enough and had let the University and agreed that to strike was boycott: no exam paper setting or mark-
that Cambridge would follow the less clear. Savage refused to comment on University “walk all over us”. Post the only option. The University refused ing. Whether Cambridge lecturers sup-
national example. He highlighted how the number of members in CAUT, Doctorate research fellows, are unable to to comment. port at this stage remains a further
bad the situation had got for research whilst admitting this was a “relevant” speak before Regency House, the Savage warns, “There is a possibility worry for students. Savage highlights
graduates: having worked for six years, fact in the argument. He explained that University parliamentary body, without that exams in Cambridge would be can- that, for the university as a whole, “this
he earns a yearly £24,000, while after the relations between the University and asking permission. This is in contrast celled,” yet disruption should be minor is not an easy situation.”
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via the website by:
Deadline: February 29th 2004
Sunday, 29th February 2004 Enquiries: ukrecruiting@marakon.com
www.marakon.com/apply.html
06 FEATURES Feb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
A
lthough there hasn’t been an inde- boot. One of a growing number of popular
pendent inquiry yet, it is probably historians, Starkey et al are credited for
only a matter of time. It is clear bringing history back from the past and
that academia has been well and truly into the living room.
“sexed up”. No longer the preserve of the In some senses celebrity acadaemia is as
intelligentsia, it has been taken to the fickle as its Heat and Hello counterpart.
people in a palatable 45 minute-esque Although luck will not keep you at the top,
form. It’s been an insidious affair, led by a the celeb academic still needs a big break.
small breed of media junkies, the universi- Starkey explained:
ty counterparts of Alastair Campbell: the “I got into TV through a former student
celebrity academic. who went to be a programme researcher. His
The celebrity academic is a Jekyll and producer needed a historian, and said to him:
Hyde character. He or she is part writer of ‘you did history at Cambridge, you must
best-selling books, TV presenter, Newsnight know someone’ and he replied, ‘well I sup-
guest, newspaper columnist and adviser of pose David Starkey was the least boring.’
government committees, but part just a reg- “There are many very good people who
ular Joe Oxbridge academic, a lab rat or just never get the opportunity to present a
history lecturer. programme. ”
The archetypal celebrity academic is But it is a far cry from the spats and back
Stephen Hawking. He became a household stabbing of pop singers, film stars and the
name after the publication of A Brief like. Starkey denies even a friendly compe-
History of Time in 1988, which has sold over tition with his other pop history presenters,
English Heritage
nine million copies in over thirty languages. Simon Schama and Niall Ferguson, calling
Hawking’s supposed ability to communi- such speculaition “childish gossip”.
cate physics to the masses catapulted him But he accepts that his success has some-
into the spotlight - but how many have times caused problems amongst his peers:
actually got past page 10? “In my early days there was probably a
Hawking has had a cameo role on Star degree of contempt. But I have had very
Trek and was made into a plastic collectable little criticism to my face – I think I have a Dr David Starkey, made famous for his history programmes, such as The Six Wives of Henry VIII
after appearing on The Simpsons. Despite reputation for being able to defend myself.”
this he has retained his academic integrity – In the science world, Richard Dawkins, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. Although The celebrity academics of tomorrow are
he holds 12 honorary degrees and was Colin Blakemore and Susan Greenfield are publishing “Bioactivity of a peptide derived waiting in the wings. Simon Baron-Cohen,
elected a Fellow of the Royal Society, the all household names. Dawkins, who shot to Has anyone got from acetylcholinesterase in hippocampal Director of the Autism Research Centre in
body of the country’s top scientists, in 1974. fame with The Selfish Gene, has made popu- past page 10 of organotypic cultures” among 6 scientific Cambridge, received widespread acclaim
But celebrity is not confined to science. larisation and communication of science an a Brief History papers last year, she is better known for her for this book The Essential Difference: The
David Starkey is a bye-Fellow at art form, holding the Charles Simonyi books, such as the more catchily titled “The truth about the male and female brain. But
of Time?
Fitzwilliam, but in his spare time presents Professor of the Public Understanding of Human Brain; A Guided Tour”. Baron-Cohen has competition closer to
the odd award-winning TV series, such as Science chair at Oxford. Greenfield was made a life peer in 2001. home. He may end up competing for view-
The Six Wives of Henry VIII. He has written Susan Greenfield, Fullerian Professor of No doubt a talented communicator, her ing figures with his nephew, the better
the occasional non-fiction bestseller to Physiology at Oxford, works on success outside research (along with her known Sacha – aka Ali G. Respect to the
short skirts and wish for a “bum like Kylie”) academics.
has made her unpopular with some.
Tom Cahill & Abby O’Reilly Rumours that she might be elected to a
fellowship of the Royal Society (FRS)
caused a furore amongst the more conserva-
tive members two weeks ago, with members
Starkey on Starkey
I have always enjoyed presenting and
on the celebrity academic threatening to resign if she was successful.
One fellow commented that to give
Greenfield an FRS would be “an insult to
the world-class scientists” and a “reward for
performing, and spent most of my student
days acting. Presenting is just about using
the techniques of lecturing and supervising
on a much larger scale. It’s just giving a lec-
self promotion”. Greenfield acknowledges: ture to a few million rather than 2 or 3 on
“Academics talk about dumbing down – if I the Sidgewick site.
Leaving the lab for saw me, I’d say ‘she’s sold out’; but I haven’t”.
Starkey said that populist work should not
become more important than basic research.
“As far as I see it the row was... as to
I don’t regard my popular work as being
separate from my academic work. All my
books are based on solid academic research.
It is an artificial distinction between aca-
the limelight whether she is any good as a scientist. I
think it is perfectly legitimate to ask that-
sort of thing. I very much want people to
debate the quality of my work.”
demic and popular history – the real differ-
ence is between readable and non-readable
history. I still try to keep my hand in with
a bit of supervising – my problem is time.”
Why President Bush is the man for me
W
hen I first arrived in Cambridge I ing oneself to death, over three years one schooling by introducing reading and math him and his country. Bush the man is a clever
was like most undergraduates feels the winds of time. My knees crack and tests. It also demonstrates a willingness to and compassionate individual. He got a good
young, beautiful and liberal. I my nose bleeds spontaneously and worse of spend more: Bush has increased federal degree (or at least a better one than Al Gore).
used to drink free trade coffee and talk all I’ve begun to think that maybe George funding for education by 60% since 2000. He fought for many years with an addiction
earnestly to people from Ulster. Now when I Bush Jnr. has a point. Indeed by increasing defence spending and to alcohol before a genuine conversion to
look in the mirror what stares back is not the I’m tired of being told just how wrong we cutting taxes he has engineered a boom that Christianity. He also has two lovely dogs
face of a John Kerry supporter with chirpy were about the war. I’m tired of jokes about created 112,000 jobs in January alone. called Spot and Barney.
all American teeth but the tired, cigarette Bush being a dyslexic chimpanzee and most Keynes would wriggle in his grave with joy. The English tendency to attack his com-
stained face of a Republican. of all I’m sick to near death with the assump- All these acts have been opposed by the munication faults is born out of snobbery and
As all of Cambridge social and most aca- tion that to like Bush is to be pretty much in Democrats, often because, as in the case of a misunderstanding of American culture.
demic activities involve at some level drink- favour of the whole Holocaust thing. I’m vot- extending health insurance, they are incre- American intelligence is quiet and profound,
ing Bush and I’m proud. Gorge Bush is mental rather than being big and exciting not the pretentious and verbose European tra-
Firstly being president isn’t really that big a a clever and and using words like national and health dition that would have been out of place with
deal. Sure you get to fly around in helicopters compassionate and service. the greatest challenge to the US and its
a lot and bomb stuff, but on the domestic individual Secondly there’s foreign policy. Again Bush Presidency, September 11th.
front since 1968 there has been effective leg- is surprisingly liberal. He is spending $15 bil- Not only did he not shirk his responsibili-
islative deadlock in America with the result lion on tackling Aids in Africa and has indi- ties, but with humility and passion he rose to
that when it comes to things like health, cated a unique level of bipartisanship in the the hour. Few men could have communicated
wealth and juvenile detention Israel-Palestine dispute. America’s frustration and need for re-evalua-
centres/American public schools, there’s next Most importantly, the war on terror has tion as he did. His statement that, ‘in our grief
to nothing a president can do. actually worked, not only to remove nasty and anger we have found our mission and our
Despite his ‘best-pal’ status with Jesus not regimes in Iraq and Afghanistan, but also in moment’ comes from a man who understands
a single prayer has been forced in schools and bringing nations like Sudan and Somalia back his nation. Popular democracy, for it to have
US State Department
not a single welfare programme has been in to the land of the sane and negotiating. legitimacy, is about recognising and respond-
abolished. Moreover, because of this dead- Sudan, precisely because of the new pressure ing to the Zeitgeist and Bush is the only man
lock, what he has done has been fashioned by from the US, is entering real peace talks for in America who can do that now.
consensus politics and is actually rather the first time in a decade.
good. The No Child Left Behind Act is a But most of all I’m voting in absentia for Edmund Fogarty
lynchpin in a domestic agenda that has President Bush because the opposition in this
proved remarkably liberal. It has centralised country towards him misunderstands both See features@varsity.co.uk for more
www.varsity.co.uk
NEWS REVIEW
Feb 20, 2004 07
All’s not Quiet on the Iraq Front
Death tolls continue to rise and hopes for an easy peace falter
The war in Iraq may be officially over, but the primary school in a Shia Muslim area of the cap- the impossibility of identifying the people respon-
Loser
s
past week has seen a dramatic escalation of ital, killing at least one child. On Tuesday anoth- sible for causing such carnage. It is easy to use
bloodshed and terror in the deeply divided er explosion claimed the life of an American sol- blanket terms such as ‘extremist’ or ‘supporters of
nation. A series of bombings has claimed hun- dier 400km north of Baghdad. the old regime’ but this is of little use when trying
dreds of lives, with both American-led troops
and Iraqi civilians being added to the ever-
The fledgling Iraqi police force has also been
targeted heavily – around 500 American troops
to use intelligence to pre-empt and prevent future
atrocities. Although it is far too simplistic to draw
of the
growing death toll.
The last attack took place early Wednesday
have been killed but over 300 Iraqi policemen strong parallels between Iraq and Vietnam, the
signs are starting to look ominously familiar:
week
morning, when a vehicle broke through the secu- groups of unidentified attackers, who are indistin-
rity fence of a Polish base 100km south of
unidentified fighters embarked guishable from the rest of the population, spread Jake ‘The Snake’
Baghdad. Although guards shot the driver and on a bloody rampage over an enormous area. And just as the Vietcong
stopped the lorry within seconds, they were pow- were willing to risk their lives, the prevalence of The former wrestling hero had
erless to prevent a second truck from ramming have fallen victim to various extremist factions suicide bombings in Iraq indicates that the fight- given up his lycra but still had his
into the first vehicle and detonating its 700kg (although some of these deaths were caused by ers there are similarly happy to face certain death snake. Now the python is dead,
cargo of explosives. Observers remarked on the the Americans themselves in various incidences of to achieve their aims. and he’s been arrested. How the
sophistication and skilled execution of the suicide over-eager behaviour). Last Saturday the town of The occupying forces are under immense pres- mighty are fallen.
bombing, described by a Polish general as “well- Falluja in western Iraq descended into chaos as a sure to respond to this ever-present danger with-
co-ordinated”. As is so often the case, the 11 group of unidentified fighters embarked on a out further alienating the Iraqi public, but they
killed by the blast were all Iraqis, although over 30
coalition soldiers were also injured.
Last Monday two American troops died in two
bloody rampage, claiming dozens of lives. The
attackers fought their way into a police station
and civil defence compound, killing 25 people and
are walking a thin, high tightrope. People have
spoken about the necessary battle to win ‘hearts
and minds’, but this now seems horribly prema-
Jake ‘No Snake’
separate bomb attacks 55km north of Baghdad, freeing around 20 prisoners. ture – the battle for roads and buildings is still in Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts, a muscle-bound
while explosives were also used in a bombing in a A major problem for military commanders is full swing. OR wrestler renowned in the 80s for gratuitous use
of his python in the ring, was arrested this week
for starving his snake Damien to death.
The devil The RSPCA received a tip-off that the fifty year
old ex-celebrity was not feeding the twelve-foot
long ex-python properly, and seized the snake from
his home in London Colney, Hertfordshire. This
is Italian valiant intervention, sadly, came too late, and
Damien passed away within days.
The artist formerly known as Jake ‘The
A series of bizarre and unexplained fires in Snake’ has been charged with causing unneces-
Sicily have led to professional exorcists being sary suffering, for which the maximum punish-
called in to the village of Canneto di Caronia, ment is six months in prison. He denies respon-
from which police have evacuated thirty-nine sibility, and observers have speculated that his
inhabitants. Expert scientists have confessed defence may be to argue that only someone very
themselves baffled by the spontaneous combus- stupid would kill the only thing that ever made
tion of objects as diverse as dishwashers, refriger- him famous.
ators, electricity cables, a water pipe and a chair. Jake’s mental health may have already been a
Theories that the fires were due to an electricity cause for concern for ardent wrestling fans
fault were refuted when Italian utility provider, (although Varsity couldn’t find any, so we’re not
Enel, cut the supply of electricity to the town after sure about this); in a groundbreaking interview
initial reports, only for the fires to continue. last December he said that he was “miserable”.
One local policeman confessed to seeing The eyes of the world will be fixed on this sad
“unplugged electrical cables burst into flames with tale of one man in lycra and his snake. OR
my own eyes”, and the town’s Mayor, Pedro
Let’s go
Spinnato, has admitted “I have no idea what is
going on”.
demons occupy a house and
appear in electrical goods
die a kite
Alexia Pinchbeck
In an interview with the Italian paper Il
Messagero, Father Gabriele Amorth, an exorcist
for the Catholic church, claimed, “I’ve seen things Up to nine people have been killed and dozens
like this before... Demons occupy a house and injured during an annual kite-flying festival in the
appear in electrical goods...Let’s not forget that Pakistani city of Lahore.
Satan and his followers have immense powers.” Each year the festival, called Basant, causess
The incidents recall similarly sinister fires that tragedy as frenzied kiteophiles gather to display their
broke out in Italy in 1982, and led to the arrest Who d’ya call? Father Gabriele Amorth. seemingly innocent aerial craftsmanship. Over-zeal-
and imprisonment of Scottish nanny Carole ous pilots seem to have lost the true spirit of kite fly-
Compton. Compton was accused of witchcraft ing, lacing their kite strings in corrosive chemicals,
after a number of fires broke out in the houses of impregnating them with pieces of pulverised glass or
After sixteen months in jail Ms. Compton was even substituting them for metal wire, in vicious
released and her horrifying experience lies behind
her; she has now managed to rebuild her life back
in Britain. However, the mysterious fires that
revived superstitious paranoia in Italy nearly
twenty years ago have apparently returned. EB
Fortress Britain
Immigration issues spark controversy
attempts to “take down” opponents’ kites.
Authorities have warned the public of the dangers
of this reckless pursuit, but they seem to literally be
throwing caution to the wind. Three people were
electrocuted when banned metal wires they were
using to fly kites - or catch stray ones - fell onto elec-
Tory leader Michael Howard ordinator Denis Fernando main- Tabloid claims about the tric power lines. A young girl’s throat was slit by a
yesterday controversially tained that the policies were "pan- migratory ambitions of the 75 stray metal kite string stretched across a road. At
unveiled the new Tory policy on
Winners immigration in Burnley, a BNP
dering to [the BNP’s] anti-asy-
lum agenda…[and] will only
million new Europeans have
thrown up such journalistic gems
least two more people fell from roofs during the
spring festival. Despite a ban on firing guns, several
stronghold. legitimise their extremist views in as a Sun interview with a "grate- people were injured by stray bullets.
of the Burnley is an incendiary elections." ful" Slovakian who is quoted as Officials at a Lahore hospital said 42 children and
choice: seven BNP members sit The Right is not the only wing saying: "We are all desperate to go 60 adults had been treated for kite-related injuries.
week on the council, and the far-right
wingers even briefly became the
of politics to come under fire for
its attitude to immigration. The
to Britain. I will get the bus to
London in May, definitely".
Despite the tragic deaths and injuries, the event is
getting bigger and bigger, with tens of thousands of
official opposition last year. And Government has faced internal MPs have done their best to people flocking from all around the country and
Exorcists in general memories of race riots just 3 years wrangling over how far Britain’s allay public fears, insisting the beyond. PB & EG
ago are still fresh in locals’ minds. welcome should be extended to numbers of probable immigrants
With chairs and unplugged Despite Howard’s attempts at migrants from the 10 new eastern are exaggerated. They have also Contributors:
cables bursting into flames for presenting himself as a sympa- European members of the EU. pointed to recent Home Office Pete Baynton Esther Bintliff
no appparent reason, these thetic figure, endlessly referring to Sweden, France and Germany studies which demonstrate that Ed Gilbert Ollie Rickman
doyennes of the paranormal himself as the child of Romanian have adopted a hard line, and only since migrants fill crucial skills Cynthia Shanmugalingam
are Italy’s new Gucci. immigrants, the National Britain and Ireland will allow shortages they are actually good
Assembly Against Racism co- entrants to work from May 1st. for the economy, stupid. CS
08 INTERVIEWS Feb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
Airy
talk about sex a lot more when you’re not Air’s music is often described as cine-
having it and I guess we weren’t having matic so it is no surprise that their origi-
enough of it at the time as we would have nal soundtrack for Sofia Coppola’s The
liked. I’m very interested in both the Virgin Suicides was met with such high
romantic and darker, more melancholic praise. Recent single, Cherry Blossom Girl,
sides of love such as the sorts you get in also features in Coppola’s Lost In
Baudelaire’s Fleurs du Mal.” When I ask Translation. Says Dunckel on the subject,
Fairy
him how his high, pristinely asexual “Usually films only like to use songs we
singing voice quite fits into this explana- have already done but I prefer to do orig-
tion, Dunckel simply replies, “I sing like inal compositions. With The Virgin
that because I am obsessed with cherubs Suicides we had the independence to do
and I want to sound like an angel.” that. I would have loved to do the whole
Lost In Translation soundtrack [he
Ronojoy Dam meets unckel describes the band’s new smirks]. Ideally it would be great to com-
one half of French D album, Talkie Walkie, as “very
emotional and romantic. It’s
mainly to do with the fact that we were
pose the soundtrack for a dark science fic-
tion film such as Blade Runner. I think
our music would be very appropriate.”
pop duo Air thinking a lot about why we live, what
makes our lives good and in a way this
Mistakes, however, have been made
along the way but Dunckel is not the sort
album’s our attempt at an answer to that.” who is afraid to admit to them. 2002 saw
A
ir’s tour manager leads me into a Romance and, more often than not, its the duo release Everybody Hertz, an album
drab little dressing room in the bitter-sweet nature pervades the band’s of several same-sounding remixes of only
recesses of the Corn Exchange, work. “I guess our music looks to express three songs. When I suggest to Dunckel
illuminated by the dressing-table mir- the beauty in sadness, a pretty melan- that this appears to be ever so slightly self-
ror’s border of buy-1-get-5 lightbulbs. choly.” It is this mixture of love and lone- indulgent, he nods his head and has the
Cheap chic. Air are anything but. liness set to gorgeously otherworldly maturity and honesty to acknowledge the
Having just finished the evening’s sound music that provides Air’s music with a error, “It was a big mistake and we regret
check, the elfin Jean-Benoit Dunckel (or touching day-dream like charm. doing it very much. It was something very
Jessie Turnbull
JB as he is introduced), remarkably pret- Something Dunckel himself seems to much out of our hands which the record
ty and petite, seeming as if he could possess, and expresses in his favourite company decided.”
belong to an über-modern Parisienne pastimes: “I like to swim in the sea in full As my limited matter of minutes with
fairyland, sits back with a calm unassum- bathing costume and I like to run. Dunckel draws to a close I ask him what
ing confidence. Underneath the sun.” we can expect from a band that have
Air have been composing gorgeously The synthesiser experimentalism of Both Dunckel and his sidekick, Nicolas brought us luscious music to drop pills to;
melodic electronic soundscapes since the Air’s last proper album, 10,000 Hz Godin, are both strong family men as made us feel all mushy in a gloriously pre-
late nineties, achieving critical acclaim Legend, didn’t quite live up to the critical Dunckel explains, “Our children definite- tentious and modern way and that plain-
with the mainstream breakthrough of acclaim of their debut but Dunckel I want to ly have a huge influence on our lives. We ly express the sadness in love. Well, what
their 1998 prozac disco debut Moon responds with a gentle, “Of course we sound like an realise that we are role-models and we else other than “something very different.
Safari. The band’s ethereal sound, glam- read what the press write about us but at angel have no excuse to be caught up in the Some sort of stadium rock pop maybe,
orous and dreamy, was a world apart from the end of the day we make music because darker elements of life. It hurts very much very poppy with big riffs”.
all the ‘lounge’(an anacronym for better- we want to, whatever that may be.” to be away from them and that is why we Citing French Impressionist composer,
off-knocking-back-rat-poison boring) Sexuality and sensuality have always tour very little and when we do we do not Claude Debussy, as a major influence
music flooding out from France at the been a major part of Air’s music. “10000 do very big tours because we want to get Dunckel asserts, “We just want to make
time and was suitably welcomed with Hz Legend” says Dunckel, “Was perhaps home as soon as we can.” beautiful music”.
open arms. more explicit because, like they say, you
www.varsity.co.uk
OPINION
Feb 20, 2004 09
Jo
Read
nothing at all, and I don’t understand why right to tell someone that they don’t have a
that is. I think we can all agree that any right to their response on an issue.
form of harassment is generally a bad
thing, i.e. you wouldn’t want to be he idea that someone’s personal
harassed, therefore you take it as a general
rule that it’s not good for others to be
harassed. So, why not complain?
T reaction to an issue would be
judged and ridiculed is unbeliev-
able. Unfortunately it’s an everyday occur-
Making a complaint can mean any num- rence with sexual harassment cases.
WE SHOULD STOP SUPPRESSING WOMEN
ber of things, from anonymously register- Everyone thinks they’ve got a right to
WHO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK OUT
ing the details of an incident with one of judge, which usually boils down to – ‘I
the CUSU caseworkers, to embarking on a wouldn’t react like that, therefore you
formal complaint. The majority of options shouldn’t’. Sure, everyone’s entitled to
C
omplaining is pretty much a stu- things, you have CUSU battling it out
dent’s priority. Any avid reader of
the student press will doubtless
agree that there’s a lot of whinging going
on. And why not? The best way to avoid
across the range of University committees,
trying to update University harassment
and bullying policies, trying to establish
accessible complaints procedures, working
Something to complain
an issue is by complaining; it requires
zero effort to disengage from it all and
make some petty remarks designed to
shock and scintillate.
against a culture that says harassment does
not exist at this University.
But harassment does exist at this
University. Is CUSU just in the minority,
about: sexual harassment
Taking this culture of kvetching into or does everyone else just assume it’s not ensure complete anonymity. Obviously their own opinions, but does that mean
consideration then, I find it peculiar that going on? filing an official complaint, either with the that some people’s opinions trump others?
when it comes to students filing formal Police, or with University authorities, can Hell no. And it certainly doesn’t follow
complaints, they get attacked by their nlike the authors of most comment intrude on a person’s life, and many people that the majority opinion should win out.
peers, the authorities, and their represen-
tatives.
Take, for example, oh I don’t know, sex-
U pieces I’ve read, I’d rather not jump
to wild conclusions in order to
judge or publicly ridicule anyone. If in the
do not think that their situation would be
improved by doing so, and that’s com-
pletely understandable. Simply coming
Harassment is bad, taking action can be
a difficult decision, and people in general
should be supportive. Come to the Sexual
ual harassment. No-one has any idea past students just haven’t considered the The best way to forward to register the issue, however, is a Harassment Event on Tuesday 24th –
about the incidence rate of sexual harass- possibility that sexual harassment is going avoid an issue is completely confidential way to help pro- whether you’ve made a complaint or not,
ment within the University, because only a on, then I suppose now they do, and in by complaining tect others in the future. whether you’ve had a problem with sexual
tiny minority of people who have been future there’ll be less of a struggle in But maybe the problem isn’t with people harassment or not. Come and talk about it,
affected by it ever come forward. encouraging people to come forward and coming forward with their complaint. or e-mail womens@cusu.cam.ac.uk for
Throughout the faculties and colleges, the file complaints. I like to think that soon Maybe the issues is with the complaint more information about making a com-
prescribed method is to shut up and deal there’ll be a wonderful spirit of vigilance itself. Many people worry about the valid- plaint, or about what the procedure entails.
with it – change supervisor, change topic, pervading throughout the University. Not ity of their complaint, and expect to be
change course. On the other side of likely. What’s probably going to happen is judged. Many people feel that they have a The author is CUSU Women’s Officer
Ned
Beauman
because it's an American company, but Art still has genuine power: look at
because Volvo makes some of the most how Picasso's Guernica had to be cov-
environmentally-friendly cars in the ered up for the declaration of war on
world, and you know how much the Iraq, a demonstration of the coalition's
American right hates the ozone layer. sheepishness about justifying thousands
Same with sushi: it's Japanese, and it's of deaths. Bush has cut government
not fattening, so it can't be trusted. The endowments for the arts wherever he
New York Times is sadly clear as well: can. In fact, the right-wing seems to hate
ARTISTIC ENDEAVOUR AND many Republicans believe it (along with anything with the hint of a new idea in
UNCLE SAM’S VOLVO
the rest of the media) is run by a schem- it, which means everything from post-
ing cabal of liberal Jews. modernism to UK garage to sen chan pad
thai. And that's why the ad makes so lit-
‘W
hat do you think of Howard Hollywood-loving...' It's an odd list. If it ut latte is surprising, because tle sense to us and so much sense to
Dean?' the farmer is asked.
'Howard Dean,' the farmer
says, 'should take his tax-hiking, gov-
was 'Tax-hiking, government-expanding,
sandcastle-kicking, cattle-mutilating,
baby-eating etc.' it would still be an odd
B most Americans probably get
their lattes from Starbucks, one
of the greatest success stories of the
them. Why do this? No one's asking you
to turn into a full-blown metrosexual.
But why affiliate your political persua-
ernment-expanding, latte-drinking, list, mixing legitimate political points nineties - started from one tiny shop in sion with the not-overwhelmingly-popu-
sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York with personal insults, but at least you Seattle, now taking in a billion dollars a lar cause of having as little fun as possi-
year - and, according to some, the hot ble? Seriously, who are these people?
Let them have their
frothy vanguard of modern American The real problem, though, is the
economic imperialism. (And it's not as if emphasis on personality politics. If
a latte is even very exotic. Apparently the something as innocuous as Dean's choice
hip new morning boost for New Yorkers of cuisine is meant to be a real criticism,
is to cook up organic jasmine and guava- a criticism worth spending tens of thou-
pulp in a little Muji spoon and inject it sands of dollars to put on television, can
latte and drink it
directly into their eyeball.) you imagine what would happen if a can-
Similar things could be said of didate announced he was gay? Or
Hollywood, making obscene money out Buddhist? It's sad that Dean's campaign
of spreading across the world the proud may have been crippled by a cheer that
US tradition of solving your problems came out a little (ok, terrifyingly) stran-
Times-reading ...' - his wife finishes the could understand its criticisms. But it's with big guns, hobbit magic, or extreme gled. It's just as sad that it may be equal-
sentence - '... Hollywood-loving, left- not, and you can't, because what exactly blondness. ly damaged by vacuous allegations about
wing freak show back to Vermont, is wrong with milky coffee, raw fish and Right-wing hatred of art is well- his personal tastes. But the saddest thing
where it belongs.' Swedish cars? What have these got to do established, from McCarthy's persecu- of all is that the same may happen to the
This comes from a TV ad run in Iowa with politics? Is North London actually a Art is subversive, tion of intellectuals in the fifties to the next decent guy, and the one after him,
in the weeks leading up to the first hotbed of political activism without any transgressive, Daily Mail's psycopathic fascination with and the one after him. Until American
Democratic caucuses (where, as it turned of its inhabitants realising? dangerous to the the Turner Prize. Art is subversive, trans- attitudes change, it seems like even the
out, Dean was comprehensively crushed I think the implication is that there's status quo gressive, dangerous to the status quo. The Democrats will have to field candidates
by John Kerry and his sinister hair). something dangerously unAmerican National Gallery was built in the centre so staid, so conventional, that you would-
'Tax-hiking, government-expanding, about all these tastes. The reasons behind of London so as to be walking distance n't even want to talk to them for ten sec-
latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driv- invoking Volvo are obvious: Dean should from both the rich and poor districts, a onds at a party.
ing, New York Times-reading, be driving a Ford instead, not just symbol of social equality.
10 EDITORIAL Feb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
Cambridge Stresses
The high pressure environment of Cambridge has always meant
that mental illness has been a major concern here but it seems
the problem may be getting worse. The University Counselling
Service has reported a 44% rise in the number of students seek-
ing help for depression. The competitive atmosphere and fre-
quent deadlines at Cambridge mean that for all too many stu-
dents it can feel overwhelming. Colleges, faculties and the
University at large need to be more sympathetic to the problems
that some students can face. That some colleges still allegedly
run suicide watches in exam term is potential proof of the prob-
lem but is not a cure for it.
The example of one girl forced to degrade in the face of her col-
lege’s treatment of her, treatment described as “clumsy and compli-
cated”, illustrates the need for greater awareness and understand-
ing on the part of college authorities. Her bravery in coming for-
ward and describing the problems that she faced in dealing with
her college can raise awareness of an issue that is all to easily for-
gotten, or, worse, simply not recognised. The Counselling Service
does do great work but it needs to increase its profile among the
student population. Effectively students need to be made more
aware of just what it can offer and to realise that no-one needs to
suffer in silence.
Depression in Cambridge is a topic about which it is all too
important to remain sensitive and not to adopt a hysterical
approach yet at the same time it is an issue that is all too easy to
ignore. Student life at Cambridge is stressful and people cope with
it in different ways but the University and the colleges need to
work together more closely to ensure that the help is available for
those who need it.
Mister Misogynist?
It is not, in fact, illegal to have unpleasant thoughts. This is what is
so extraordinary about much of the reaction to Dr Peter Smith’s
return to the faculty of philosophy: CUSU statements on the mat-
ter, for instance, have been at pains to point out that it is not his use
of prostitutes that offends, but rather his ‘misogynistic’ attitudes
revealed in the ‘field reports’ he wrote in lieu of payment for their
services. The implication is that the man has become less capable as
a teacher because of his attitudes.
Plenty of people are capable of being contentious. And reviews of
The Week in Words
prostitutes’ services are unlikely to be a haven of respectability and “Some students simply can’t adjust to being a small fish in a very
healthy respect for the rights of women: what the service consists of, “Didn’t feel a thing, big boy... that hit the spot!” big pond”
after all, is a generally accessible database of opinions on whether
women are worth the price they are charging to have sex with them. A talking dartboard featuring a cartoon of a topless woman with Mark Phippen on the “pressure cooker” intensity of Cambridge
But it is a fundamental principle of most modern thinking about targets over her breasts. It has been condemned for condoning
individual human rights that, unless other people are directly and violence against women. “He was great in supervisions, and a lovely person”
involuntarily affected, each individual has an absolute authority to
behave as they choose. Thus, it is not illegal to be a paedophile, but “Isn’t it a problem that the students union, the entire student A 2nd year Philosophy student at Jesus looking forward to the
it is illegal to abuse children; it is not illegal to dream of beating press and the student charity are in a building that’s inaccessible to return of the feel-osopher, Dr. Peter Smith.
someone senseless, but it is illegal to act on that desire. many students?”
This is in no way to suggest that Varsity condones such a service as “I certainly don’t think he was out there every Saturday.”
that which Smith contributed to; rather, that there is no coherent Jessica Childs on the plans to have a more centrally located stu-
justification for using a contribution to such a service as a reason to dents building Dr Maria Hayward, a clothes historian who discovered football
deprive someone of their livelihood when they have done nothing boots in Henry VIII’s wardrobe, playing down his footballing
wrong in the course of their duties. “It clearly states in the school handbook that sweets are discour- skills.
There is at least a kind of sense in removing someone from their post aged”
as a result of breaking the law, whatever one thinks of the legal sta- “3,969,000 pages of publications, 455 hours of clubbing, 3,498
tus of the oldest profession. But to suggest, as several people have, Tracy Coathupe, chairman of the school governors of a target schools, 300 students at the NUS national demo, 518,922
that a man should be effectively removed from supervision duty on Cheshire primary school after a four-year-old girl was barred from photocopies, 35,796 condoms and more… 18,000 students, one
a permanent basis despite a total lack of evidence that he has been eating a packet of chocolate buttons union”
bad at his job or has in any way mistreated his female students is at If you can handle that, be CUSU President!
least muddled.
If you would like to contribute to Varsity please Arts/News Photos (photos@varsity.co.uk) Lifestyle (lifestyle@varsity.co.uk) Editorial Cartoonist
e-mail the relevant section editor. To submit a Andrew Gillespie Alex Grundy, Vicki Booth Andrew James
letter to the editor please e-mail Jack Chiles Fashion (fashion@varsity.co.uk)
editor@varsity.co.uk or drop your letter into the Sports Photos (photos@varsity.co.uk) Ronojoy Dam Business Manager (business@varsity.co.uk)
offices at 11-12 Trumpington Street. Andrew Sims Theatre (theatre@varsity.co.uk) Sam Gallagher
Editors (editor@varsity.co.uk) Chief News (news@varsity.co.uk) Chris Adams, Charlotte Holden
Laura-Jane Foley Bryan Coll Music (music@varsity.co.uk) With many thanks to our sub-editors Sophie,
Reggie Vettasseri News (news@varsity.co.uk) Henry Bowen, Edwin Lane Abbie, Miriam, Lucy and Phil
Web Editor (webeditor@varsity.co.uk) Gabriella Jozwiak, Aisleigh Sawyer Film (film@varsity.co.uk)
Jonathan Wood Radio News (radionews@varsity.co.uk) Oliver Tilley E-mail the Business Manager to enquire
Production Manager (production@varsity.co.uk) Benjamin Bland Classical Music (classical@varsity.co.uk) about placing adverts.
Ifti Qurashi Comment (comment@varsity.co.uk) Ciaran Jenkins
Chief Photos Editor (photos@varsity.co.uk) Amol Rajan Visual Arts (visual@varsity.co.uk)
Ria Cooke National News (nationalnews@varsity.co.uk) Dawn Tunstall Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd
Deputy Editor (News) (deputynews@varsity.co.uk) Ollie Rickman, Esther Blintiff Literature (literature@varsity.co.uk) and printed by Cambridge Evening News. All
Archie Bland Features (features@varsity.co.uk) Zoe Organ copyright is the exclusive property of Varsity
Deputy Editor (Arts) (deputyarts@varsity.co.uk) Tom Cahill Sport (sport@varsity.co.uk) Publications Ltd. No part of this publication may
Ellen E Jones Interviews (interviews@varsity.co.uk) Rajan Lakhani, Sam Richardson be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or
Photo Editor (photos@varsity.co.uk) James Dacre, Will Gallagher Science (web) transmitted in any form or by any means, with-
Ella McPherson Page Fourteen (life@varsity.co.uk) Tom Simonite out the prior permission of the publisher.
Alex Rushmer, Dave Fawbert
www.varsity.co.uk
OPINION
Feb 20, 2004 11
Laura-Jane
Foley
thing it is very difficult not to get carried away longer than the emotion itself if you really felt
in the heat of the moment. The only thing to the emotion you can’t deny it once existed. It’s
remember is that the person whom you write the emotional charge that spurs us to do these
to may not be as discreet as you would prefer. I irrational things and it’s that charge that proves
once read a very intimate letter sent to a close our feelings are real.
friend of mine from one very much in love Of course all this is fine if the correspon-
mutual friend of ours. It made me cringe dence doesn’t come to light (or you steal it
back!). But when unintended eyes glance upon
When the
your words shame, embarrassment and guilt
THE PEN IS THE DEADLIEST descend. The most successful and salacious kiss
WEAPON OF ALL and tell stories in newspapers use love letters as
the crux of the “story”. Poor old Princess
Diana. The letters she wrote to James Hewitt
It is never wise to put pen to paper when one made things a whole lot worse and made me whilst he was serving in the Gulf war in 1991
is feeling particularly aggrieved, venomous,
vitriolic, hurt, humiliated or ashamed. In a
cruel twist of irony however it is precisely
when you feel like this that an overwhelming
wish, nay, uncontrollable urge to convey your
feel horrible. (Note to self: stop controlling my
life through a Varsity column.)
Even the old trick of writing things down in
a letter intended not to be sent or published
cannot be a trusted way of venting your anger
ink dries... make cringe-worthy reading, “Boy, oh boy,
does the earth shake when I get a letter from
my desert friend, screams of delight, tears, you
name it.” And there are far more needy, emo-
tional and sexually explicit ones that haven’t
thoughts and feelings unleashes itself. whilst sparing repercussions. Secret scribblings deeply. Not for the content so much (though it been published.
Whether venting your grievance on the per- can be discovered and brought out in the future was rather trite and a little desperate) but for But it’s not just love-lorn Princesses whose
Personal and deeply
son who has caused the pain or to as wide a to harm you. Even diaries are no longer the safe me. If I was sitting there reading his zillion page hearts rule their heads. Even Prime Ministers
they once were, as Alastair Campbell’s diary evi- intimate letters are
reading public as possible the action can only haven for all things secretive and dear to us that intimate letter (and designed for a certain per- suffer from errors of judgement in their letter
dence proved in the Hutton trial: “I agreed it the major faux pas
bring you harm. Writing things down in a letter son’s eyes only) what about all the correspon- writing. At the end of last year intimate and
rarely achieves anything and you certainly dence I’ve sent? Letters, notes, emails, text mes- passionate letters of Winston Churchill sent to
shouldn’t use the pages of newspapers (and stu- would f**k Gilligan if that [Dr Kelly] was his sages all declaring my feelings of a particular his first love and rumoured to be his first
dent rags at that) to vent your personal attacks, source.” Oops Al! But then at least he’s on track time now in the rather un-safe keeping of those fiancée were published. “Never have I seen one
vendettas and general spleen. It can never help to earn a fair bit selling them to the newspapers. who I sent them to. After reading that letter I for whom I would forego the business of life.
matters. And that’s a lesson hard-learned, espe- Personal and deeply intimate letters though could have declared there and then that I’d Then I met you... Were I a dreamer of dreams,
cially for the more emotional among us! In an are the major faux pas. Love letters in a relation- never put pen to paper again. I would say... “Marry me - and I will conquer
article last week I made a dig at someone I actu- ship and those written immediately after one But then if you truly feel something deeply, the world and lay it at your feet.” If only such
ally care deeply for. It was a cheap shot and it ends cause the most embarrassment as the passionately, maddeningly and truthfully you letters would come to light written by Tony
wasn’t even true! So, why oh why, did I do it? I writer lays their emotions and vulnerabilities can’t help but speak out. So although the letters Blair or, better still, if only someone would
was feeling hurt, upset: the usual reasons but it bare. If you feel so passionately about some- in which you declare your emotions last a lot write a letter like that to me!
Letters Cryptic crossword No.6: Set by Luke Pebody
Letters should be submitted no later than midnight
on Wednesday, and be as concise as possible. The
editors reserve the right to edit all copy. Write to: edi-
tor@varsity.co.uk
Quoting the Bible Varsity is amazing?
Dear Editor, Dear Editor,
I was amazed that Varsity printed, without comment, a let- Last week’s edition of Varsity is the most disparaging and
ter in last week’s edition in which the correspondent, a abhorrently petty, shoddy, flagrant, paltry, sleazy, sensa-
CUSU LBG representative, states that ‘the Bible does tionalist piece of glitter-glamour journalism I have ever
NOT say that homosexuality is a form of sexual immoral- read. I thought coming to Cambridge would be an act of
ity.’ I wonder how the writer - and for that matter Varsity salvation from the drudgery of squat grey cities, tawdry
if it endorses such a view - reconciles this position with the backwater provinces, and the endless morass of suburbia.
following: ‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with I hoped that a ticket here meant a long overdue departure
womankind: it is abomination.’ Leviticus 18:22 (King from the gormless, guileless, fucking morons who plod
James’ Version) Please understand that I in no way seek to around endless shopping malls and side-streets, and to a
identify myself with the unpleasantly homophobic certain extent this is true. The people here tend to be very
Biblical position - I merely wish to draw your readers’ astute, well-educated and intelligent. This is what makes
attention to the inaccuracy of the previous letter. last week’s edition of Varsity such a misery, such an odious
travesty; for how could such rational, clever people have
Yours faithfully, laid their wits to waste? Why didn’t you add a page 3 girl
James Burberry, Jesus College and have done with it? I’d just like to make it clear that I’m
not a religious nut, I’m not a manic depressive, and I’m
not love-lorn bachelor - I live in a place called reality,
The Anguish of Geographers maybe you should come and visit some time.
Will Barrett, Peterhouse
ACROSS DOWN
Dear Editor,
1a) Soft conservative looks at song. (6,4) 2d) Sensible reason, but losing direction
7a) A sports car. (4) (8)
In response to Colm McGrath’s ill-educated diatribe Political Ratbags! 9a) Guessing could get somebody killed! (8) 3d) Back room for relieving mouth (3)
against geography, and in the defence thereof. It is always 10a) The gentlemen’s distance. (6) 4d) Only a small portion of fruits dance
the case is it not, that those who know the least about an Dear Mr and Miss Editor, 11a) It’s witty, even though it’s just half a piece (5)
issue have the strongest opinions. Mr. McGrath is no of candy and some backwards bloke. (3,3) 5d) Rapper’s greeting pain culture (7)
13a) An international group, one man and two 6d) I push curl around like vitriol (9)
exception. He shows an almost compulsive desire to have Was I the only one to feel slightly nauseous reading Ben senior journalists are ignored. (8) 7d) Acidic treats are mixed up with first
Geography be black or white, and cannot bide the fact Ramm’s desperate and opportunistic plea for LibDem 14a) The one who makes the most popular gear (11)
that it is a kaleidoscope of inter-disciplinary colours, (to support on the letters page? For a party which is supposed team, with the help of truth, god and the 8d) Honour for comic (6)
quote him: ‘either it is or it isn’t, Make up your mind.’) to be so committed to ‘new’ and ‘honest’ politics it seemed queen. (12) 12d) Approximate enumeration for man
The breadth of geography is undeniably its greatest remarkably negative. He launched several critical and 17a) When one scallop and two aliens get with high hopes (11)
together, it may?? cause things to become 15d) Starter made from oats and paint (9)
strength. No other subject can boast to include anthropol- cheap attacks on both major parties but offered no con- darker. (5,7) 16d) Selecta as a system of units for a
ogy, economics, physics, chemistry, biology, history, soci- structive alternative at all, merely misrepresenting his 20a) Ape Soup. (5,3) transportation company. (8)
ology, philosophy and climatology in its first year course. party as ‘Liberal’ when it is nothing of the sort. They are a 21a) Film star who only has nonspeaking 18d) Advertise a small part of a table. (7)
I cannot help it if Mr McGrath finds the extrapolation of disparate, divided, ill-disciplined rat-bag of activists - the roles. (6) 19d) Cuddles that you can play. (6)
aspects of different subjects and their fusion ‘somewhat pick-and-mix of politics - as evidenced by his description 22a) Underwear for dogs. (6) 21d) Permission to go (5)
confusing.’ Maybe he is bitter as to his own academic of himself as Liberal when the Party leader is a Social 23a) Associations that can involve danger(8) 24d) A panda bear who likes to run
25a) Nicholas, for example, is extremely this around. (3)
insufficiencies. Perhaps therefore, he, and many others Democrat. My suggestion to the students of Cambridge answer! (4)
besides, should discard their nineteenth century prejudices would be that when the next election comes round they 26a) Loving but confused hot feather (2,3,5)
that geography is based on facts and maps, and ply their read all the candidates’ manifestoes and make up their
ill-judged words to a cause more worthy of their facile own minds on the basis of what they actually, positively
opinions. propose. Then again, with a Government that goes back Last week’s answers
on its pledges as disgracefully as this maybe we should wait
I Remain As Always...&c. for an era of more honest politics. Unfortunately the rants ACROSS: 1. ELVIS PRESLEY, 8.NEUTRON, 9.IGNEOUS, 11.IN-BUILT, 12.HOUDINI,
of Ben won’t achieve this! 13.NERVY, 14. RETALIATE, 16.JAMBALAYA, 19.PILAU, 21.NICOSIA, 23.STEPSON,
Richard John Pygott, 1st year geographer, Robinson 24.STERNER, 25.ORANGES, 26.PHILADELPHIA
College Yours apathetically, DOWN: 1. E-NUMBER, 2. VARSITY, 3. SANATORIA, 4. REICH, 5. SENSUAL, 6. EROTICA,
Edward Cumming, Downing College 7.INDIANA JONES 10. SPITEFULNESS, 15. TOADSTOOL, 17. MACBETH, 18. ARSENAL,
19. PREWASH, 20. LASAGNA, 22. ACRID
12 PAGE FOURTEENFeb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
UNCLE CAM WANTS YOU!
Growing concerns that Cambridge University is ‘selling out’ and going mainstream gathered fresh impetus yesterday after plans
to ‘Americanize’ the University were leaked. Not content with gorging itself on extra revenue from proposed top-up fees, CamUni Inc.
is apparently planning an attack on the American market by undergoing corporate rebranding, with the slogan ‘Can we kick it? Yes-
we-Canbridge’.
Supervisions have been renamed megavisions, lectures have been replaced by ‘like, issue focus groups’ and rumour has it that
dons will be renamed Don Kings and forced to grow spiky grey hair and shout a lot in an incomprehensible language. This obviously
won’t affect many Maths Professors.
President Alison Richards is already attracting criticism with the advent of the War on Grammerism (sic), in an effort to combat
the poor standards of students’ written work. Rumours that the CUSU offices are to be bombed to smoke out the evil Osama Ben
Brinded are completely unfounded, definitely untrue and possibly libellous (especially as he’s a really nice bloke).
Students have reacted with fury at the plans: Giles, a Rage Against The Machine fan from King’s, spake thus: “It’s just a complete
cop out man. I mean, I came to Cambridge to rail against the establishment and corporate capitalist whoring by saying ‘fuck’ a lot
and deliberately not going to every other formal hall. It’s almost as bad as when Busted went mainstream. They were like, so way
cool before then. I hate them now though obviously. Year 3000 was a tune mind, it’s so like, futuristic, when capitalism will have
been defeated and we’ll all be...erm...underwater I guess.”
The only positive aspect of these events is the distinct possibility that CamUni Inc. are targetting Colin Powell as head porter of
Trinity – at least if we get him over here we can start getting him to pronounce his own sodding name correctly. Additionally, if
America is looking for any weapons of mass seduction it need look no further than Page Fourteen’s very own Al and Dave.
“So where exactly is this oxbridge place then? Is it
anywhere near Li-cester Square?”
If Colleges Were...
Premiership Football Teams
As the premiership football season draws towards its annual close and exciting conclusion, football lovers can witness
the big guns fighting it out at the top of the tree, the small fishies furiously trying to stave off relegation and Tottenham
nestling in 10th place as they have done since A.D. 5.
It has dawned on us here at Page Fourteen, however, that there are some striking (if you’ll pardon the pun) similarities
between these great British footballing sides and these, our great British colleges. And here they are in the convenient list
format that you all know and love.
Trinity – Manchester United Christs – Middlesbrough
Always number one. The best manager. The best players. Solid, work hard, dependable, consistenly keep clean sheets
Everyone hates them. Decent stadium though. (so the bedders tell me), boring.
Clare – Chelsea Girton – Newcastle
Stylish and sophisticated; there are probably as many Clare Full of attacking verve, miles from anywhere. Frequent
students shopping down the Kings Road as Chelsea players. run-ins with Uncle Bobby when cycling home drunk in
Have a Russian ex-mafia oil baron bankrolling the operation the middle of the night.
(allegedly, probably not true).
Peterhouse – Leicester
Newnham – Wolves Fragile confidence, small side, not good with their backs
Owned by a sugar daddy, easy to score against, likely to go against the wall.
down.
Hughes Hall – Bolton
Kings – Liverpool Full of quality old ex-internationals, fighting spirit, not
The Reds. Not quite living up to former glories but still glamorous but effective.
think they’re the best and subsequently a bit bolshy (ouch).
New Hall – Blackburn
Trinity Hall – Portsmouth A great pair up front, seem to respond to a tongue-lashing
By the sea (well, the Cam), plucky underdogs with good team from their boss, have been known to let opposition come
spirit. Enjoy a good dogfight (almost as much as Princess Anne). from behind. Chris rues missing the chance to come from behind against Blackburn when the
defence was open and the chance was easy. Still, there’s always Cocos tonight.
BUREAU-CRAZY!
CUSU have hit back at accusations that excess bureau- A CUSU representative told Page Fourteen “Students
cracy is hampering the successful running of the are sick of hearing people answer questions without
Students Union by proposing the motion for the estab- actually saying anything. What we are proposing to pro-
lishment of a sub-committee to look into the creation of pose is the introduction of a scheme whereby answers
a sub-committee (a CUSU sub-sub committee) which become short, succinct, concise, compact, and most
will look into whether CUSU is suffering from excess importantly, foremost, to the point. There will be no
bureaucracy. more beating around the bush, no more sitting on the
fence, no more spending inordinate amounts of time
It is hoped that the establishment of CUSUSCFC- answering questions in a long-winded fashion.
SCFRIB (Cambridge University Students Union Sub
Committee For the Creation of a Sub Committee For The changes will be sweeping, covering the whole of
Reduction In Bureaucracy) will streamline future CUSU CUSU. Ultimately it should make the Students Union
initiatives such as the introduction of a Red Tape work for all much more efficiently and although stu-
Awareness Action Plan which will hopefully be up and dents won’t feel the benefits straight away the long term
running by 2036. The reason for the delay is due to the goals are what matters for CUSU. We are also proposing
number of readings of sub-clauses which will invariably the proposal for yet another bloody sub-committee to
be proposed by every single CUSU representative, after look into the establishment of a Cambridge dialect that
which there will be a 5 year trial period followed by the consists entirely of acronyms and abbreviations thus sav-
creation of yet another sub-committee to decide whether ing even more time in years to come.”
the initiative has succeeded or if the idea needs to return
to the drawing board.
/20/02/04/LISTINGS/
Welcome to Varsity’s Listings pull-out.With our expert’s top recommendations below, Listings
is your essential weekly guide to what’s on in Cambridge over the next seven days.
THEATRE LIT CL ASSIC AL MUSIC VISUAL
Those old CUMTS are back with a Mark Watson is one of those Distinguished tenor, Anthony Rolfe Krafty Kuts is a stooopid DJ name, Matthew Slotover, editor of Frieze
sassy new production of the sen- frighteningly accomplished Johnson, comes to town on Saturday but it probably sounded proper magazine and co-director of Frieze,
sationally soulful cult comedy mu- Cambridge graduates that make to perform Bach’s epic St Matthew safe when he was 15. Like, I used London’s most vibrant art fair, de-
sical, Little Shop of Horrors. Riding you wonder what the monkey’s a Passion with Cu3e at Trinity Chapel. to know a DJ ‘Sticky Fingaz’. What serves hearty congratulations for his
high on the sell out success of West pleb like you is doing here. Not This is a rare opportunity to hear a the fuck does that mean? Nothing. sterling efforts to give BritArt the at-
Side Story last year, love blossoms content with a stand up career and thoroughly rehearsed and profes- But like Fingaz always said when tention it occasionally merits.
and so does that frisky flytrap. a sit-com in the works the 23 year sional production in Cambridge. A we took the piss “Shut up about Attend his talk on 26th Feb, 7.30 pm
Cambridge Arts Theatre,Tue 24th - old will be launcing his first novel must for anyone who appreciates my name. My skills is phat!” The in Jesus College UpperHall and be the
Bullet Points, on Wed 25th at
Sat 28th, 01223 503333 the beauty of the human voice. Fez Club, 24th Feb first to pat him on the back.
Borders. Git.
HAVE YOU EVER
THOUGHT OF BEING
BUSINESS MANAGER ?
COULD YOU RUN A LIMITED COMPANY?
COULD YOU RAISE £100,000 IN ONE YEAR?
Deadline for all applications to
COULD YOU PUBLISH 10,000 COPIES OF A this full-time salaried post:
WEEKLY PAPER? 5th March
COULD YOU LIAISE BETWEEN A BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND Requirements: Any discipline, you must have
STUDENT EDITORS? received or be receiving a good degree in 2004,
relevant experience and computer skills an
advantage. No experience with Varsity is
COULD YOU CO-ORDINATE THE PUBLICATION
required but organisational skills, energy and
OF A LITERARY ANTHOLOGY? self-motivation a necessity.
The perfect opportunity for anyone wanting experience in the world of business,
media management, advertising, marketing or media law
The best kept job secret in Cambridge
L2 LISTINGS 20 FEBRUARY 04
Tuesday Kick Bo:
F I L M M I S C CU Wu Shu Kwan:
Chinese Kickboxing -the ultimate art
of self-defence.
AWiSE (Assoc for Women in Science
& Engineering:
informal meeting to discuss mentor-
Non-contact aerobics using the
dynamic kicking and punching moves
of Martial-Arts. New Hall, Long
Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Room. ing, career structures, work-life bal- Room. 5:30pm. £2.
Friday Friday
7pm. £3. ance etc etc.
Central/European Film Club: CU Karate Club:
Grad Pad, Cafe. 12:30am. Wednesday
Chico by Ibolya Fekete (2001). In Beginners Kumite.
C.U. Ta Chi Chuan Society: CU Karate Club:
Hungarian with English subtitles. Queens’ College, Squash Courts.
Tai Chi Chuan: Hand-form; Self- CU Ballet Club: Kata Session-Kyu grades.
Caius College, Bateman Auditorium. 6pm. £2.
defence; Pushing-hands; Weapons; Nei Improvers ballet. 1hr for grds 4-6ish. Fenners Small Gym, .
8pm. Kung. Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway 8pm. £1.
Culanu: Kelsey Kerridge, 8pm. £1.00.
Room. 2pm. £2/3.
Sunday Jewish Cambridge’s unmissable week-
CU Ballet Club: CU Karate Club:
Christ’s Films: ly social...eat, drink and be merry!
Monday Beginners jazz, all welcome!. Kata Class-3rd Kyu and above.
Kill Bill Vol. 1. The Culanu Centre, 33a Bridge St,
Buddhist Meditation: Queens’ College, Bowett Room. Fenenrs Small Gym, .
Christs College, New Court Theatre. between Oxfam and The Galleria.
Samatha Trust, 4:30pm. £1.00. 9pm. £1.
8pm. and 10.30pm £2. 10pm.
Thai breath meditation.
rmh1001@cam.ac.uk. CU Ballet Club: Thursday
Queens’ Films: Saturday
Pembroke College, Seminar Room, Performance class (advanced). CU Ballet Club:
Intolerable Cruelty (2003, 100min, Cambridge Dancers’ Club:
N 7. 7:30pm. Contemporary classical dance 1.5hr. Beginners ballet, all welcome!.
starring George Clooney and Caterine Cuppers Dancesport. Inter college
Queens’ College, Bowett Room. Queens’ College, Bowett Room.
Zeta-Jones). dance competition.
CU Ballet Club: 5:30pm. £2.00. 6pm and 7pm £1.50.
Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall, www.cam.ac.uk/societies/cdc.
Performance class (Intermediate).
9pm. £2. Parkside Gym, 2pm. £5 entry.
Contempory classical dance experi- CU Chabad Society: CU Karate Club:
ence! 1.5hr. Queens’ College, Bowett Beginners Talmud Class - no previous Intermediates session-6th Kyu and
St John’s Films: CU Ballet Club:
Room. 3pm. £2. knowledge necessary. above.
Master and Commander - Russell Intermediate ballet. Free class for grds
Chabad House, 19 Regent Terrace, Queens’ College, Bowett Room.
Crowe as Captain in Napoleonic Wars. 6-7ish. Queens’ College, Bowett Room.
CU Ballet Club: 8pm. 8pm. £2.
St. John’s College, Fisherbuilding. 2:30pm. £1.
Beginners pointe, 0.5hr. Live your
7pm and 10pm. £ 2. dreams!. CU Karate Club: C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society:
CU Ballet Club:
Queens’ College, Bowett Room. Beginners Session-all welcome. Tai Chi Chuan: Hand-form; Self-
Thursday Advanced ballet: Free class for grds
4:30pm. £0.50. Fenners Large Gym, 8pm. £2. defence; Pushing-hands; Weapons;
Christ’s Films: 7/8+. Kelsey Kerridge, 4:30pm. £1.
Nei Kung.
Withnail and I. CU Chabad Society: CU Wu Shu Kwan: Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Room.
Christs College, New Court Theatre. CU Karate Club:
Yiddish - learn the language of your Chinese Kickboxing -the ultimate art 7pm. £2/3.
10pm. £2. Beginners Class-beginners to 7th Kyu.
grandparents. of self-defence.
Fenners Large Gym, 2pm. £2.
Chabad House - 19 Regent Terrace, . Christs College, New Court Theatre. Friday
St John’s Films: 8pm. 8pm. £3. CU Karate Club:
Buffalo Soldiers - contentious portray- The Pembroke College Winnie-the-
Pooh Society: Beginners Kumite.
al of the US military. CU Karate Club: C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society: Queens’ College, Squash Courts.
St. John’s College, Fisher Building. Including a smackeral of something.
Squad Session. Tai Chi Chuan: Hand Form; Self- 6pm. £2.
9pm. £ 2. Bridge Street, No. 4a, Room 15.
Fenners Large Gym, . defence; Pushing-hands; Weapons; Nei
4pm.
8pm. £2. Kung. Clare College, Bythe Room. Culanu:
7pm. £2/3. Jewish Cambridge’s unmissable week-
Sunday http://romance.ucam.org: ly social...eat, drink and be merry! .
CU Karate Club: Speed Dating - “Musical chairs with dertie promotion: The Culanu Centre, 33a Bridge St,
Beginners Class-beginners to 7th Kyu. chemistry.” Wine included - Great fun! drink offers - entertainers - que jump between Oxfam and The Galleria.
Fenners Large Gym, 2pm. £2. The Anchor Pub, Please sign up in for clubs and shows . Ishca, quay side. 10pm.
advance at http://romance.ucam.org. 8pm.
CU Karate Club: 7:30pm. £3.
Master and Commander, 12A Advanced Class-6th Kyu and above.
Sunday 22nd February - Fenners Large Gym, 4pm. £2.
7pm & 10pm
Society for 20th Century Music Sam Roskams, cello: Shostakovich, Tuesday
Buffalo Soldiers, 15
Thursday 26th February -
9pm9pmwww.stjohnsfilms.org
MUSIC (ISIS):
SHOSTAKOVICH - SYMPHONY
No.11 (The Year 1905).
Beethoven.
Caius College, Bateman Auditorium.
8:30pm.
Margaret Wileman Music Society:
For lovers only - Songs & Arias.
Anando Mukerjee, tenor.
West Road Concert Hall, Book now at Hughes Hall, 7pm.
Friday tickets@isismusic.co.uk. Jesus College Music Society:
CAR FOR SALE Cambridge Indie Society: 7:30pm. £4 Student, £6 concessions, David Crighton Concert 2004: Margaret Wileman Music Society:
Indie/Alternative/Retro/Rock. £8 full. Beethoven Piano Concerto No. 3 (Tom For lovers only - Songs & Arias.
Renault Megane 1.6 RT Poster) plus Rossini and Dvorak.
5 Door Hatchback The Kambar, opposite Corn Exchange Anando Mukerjee, tenor.
P Reg box office. 9:30pm. £3. Trinity College Music Society: West Road Concert Hall., . Hughes Hall, . 6pm.
White CUBE, directed by Nick Collon, per- 8pm. £6 (£3 concessions).
65,000 Miles CUMS II Orchestra: form Bach’s ‘St Matthew Passion’. TCMSwGeoffCoombe:
Schumann Piano Concerto and Trinity College, Trinity College Kettle’s Yard: Jazz Record Listening Sessions: Why
Full Renault Service history Chapel. 6:30pm. £15, £8 concessions, New music morning presented by live Jazz Matters.
2 owners from new Mussorgsky.
Conductor Ashley Grote. £5 TCMS members. Experimental Performance Society - Music Faculty, West Rd,
electric windows/ sunroof, airbag
Road tax/ MOT this June Sidgwick Site, 8pm. £11/7. approx 1 hour. Kettle’s Yard, 12am. Lecture Room 4.
Good condition, all paper work present Sunday 7:30pm. £6/4.
Kettle’s Yard: Elm Tree Jazz: Selwyn College Music Society:
Quick Sale, £1950 Lunch time concert, lasting approx 40 Modern Jazz, Andy Bowie Quartet Shostakovich and Elgar Piano
mins. Kettle’s Yard, 1:10pm. with Paul Stubbs. Quintets performed by Instrumental Wednesday
Cambridge (Newnham) Elm Tree, Orchard Street near Free Award Holders. Jesus College Music Society
Ring 01223 528369 Saturday Press. 8:30pm. Selwyn College, The Hall. Wednesday Recital:
GCMS: 8:30pm. £4 full/£2.50 student/Free Twentieth-Century American Song:
Francesca Massey, contralto; Fitzwilliam College Music Society: SCMS members. Andrea Pizziconi, Soprano. Ryan
meat
John Robinson, piano: Contemporary Music Ensemble. Brandau, Piano.
Bach, Brahms, Ireland, Madelaine Fitzwilliam College, Fitzwilliam Songs In The Dark: Jesus College Chapel, 9pm.
Dring. Chapel. 8pm. Acoustic music from Simon
Caius College, Bateman Auditorium. Mastrantone and Jeremy Warmsley.
GCMS: 8:30 on alternate sundays.
ITALIAN
1:15pm.
Nehali Shah, piano; Clowns Cafe, King Street. 8:30pm.
RESTAURANT
Alex Reid, violin;
MEZE HOUSE
EDINBURGH FESTIVAL 2004
Solve your accommodation problems by calling
New arts magazine for
Party bookings up to 50 available Carole Smith/ Anne Goring on 01620 810620
Cambridge.
Downstairs Cocktail Bar email address: festflats@aol.com
10% STUDENT DISCOUNT
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or write to
17 Hills Road, Cambridge Festival Flats, 3 Linkylea Cottages,
Gifford, East Lothian, EH41 4PE
meat_mag@hotmail
01223 566900
The Model Student magazine and website features a
selection of academic beauties from our great University.
Check your pigeonholes this week for the chance to see
all this year’s model wannabes.
20 FEBRUARY 04 LISTINGS L3
The Cambridge Mummers
The European
Theatre Group
The Dryden Dramatic Society
announce
Society Seeks to appoint its 2004/05 committee and
Auditions
for
invites applications for Invites Applications to Direct/ invites applications for the following posts: CADS ‘rom.com’
TOUR MANAGER New Writers Rep
Produce its May Week Show, in to be performed at the
for the 2004 winter tour. Director’s Rep
the beautiful setting of Trinity Publicist Invite Applications Edinburgh Festival (August 2004)
Fellows’ Garden.
Contact Laura lg251 or Ben brw27 for Producer of the Arts
Theatre Show
to direct the 2004 Sat 21st Feb 2-5pm
guidelines/more information. Ramsden Room, St. Catherine’s College
Applications should either be emailed Applications/ Enquiries to Hazel For more information, please contact May Week Play Sunday 22nd February 2-5pm
Christina Elliot, cje35 Ramsden Room
or placed in the ETG pigeon hole in Pearson (hap27) by Deadline for applications: 27th February
the ADC by 6pm on Wed 25th Feb. 29th February 2004 Contact adn25 for details Questions to: sjm211@cam.ac.uk
#
1"3,453&&5
$". 3*%(&
5IF&YFDVUJWF$PNNJUUFF
PGUIF"%$5IFBUSFXJTI
THE DEBATE
UPBQQPJOUUXPGVMMUJNF Great tasting, great
IPVTFLFFQFSTGPSUIF Is the left-wing media’s coverage of Israel
BDBEFNJDZFBS tainted by anti-semitism? value pizza for
1PUFOUJBMBQQMJDBOUTTIPVME
DPOUBDUUIF5IFBUSF.BOBHFS
Speakers: Tim Luckhurst (Former Editor of The Scotsman)
Alibhai-Brown (The Independent)
delivery
.JDIBFM/BCBSSP
GPSBO
BQQMJDBUJPOGPSN
PO Wednesday 25th February, 8pm and collection
The Culanu Centre
PSNJDIBFM!BED 33a Bridge St, between Oxfam and The Galaeria DOMINOS CAMBRIDGE:
UIFBUSFDBNBDVL 01223 355155
5IFEFBEMJOFGPSXSJUUFO 27 HILLS ROAD, CAMBRIDGE, CB2 1NW
BQQMJDBUJPOTJTUXFMWFOPPO Tuesday
PO8FEOFTEBZ.BSDIBOE
JOUFSWJFXTXJMMCFIFMEPO
5IVSTEBZ.BSDI
TALK CLIO-History Society:
JOHN YOUNG - Head of History at
Nottingham: ‘Britain and the Vietnam
THEATRE
Friday War’. Clare College, Latimer Room. Friday Sunday
Cambridge University Persian Society: 8:15pm. BATS: Clare Comedy:
Cambridge University Talk and Dinner on 23.02. host: Master Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Top Cambridge stand-up comedians,
Rugby Union Football Club of Churchill College for Bam Thursday Speckled Band . plus guest London headliner Brendon
Earthquake Charity. CICCU: Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall Burns. Clare College, Clare Cellars.
Our internationally famous Churchill College, Wolfson Room The Bible Talk: Why won’t God answer (Late Show). 11pm. 9pm. £2.
(Talk), Hall (Dinner). 06:30am. £ 10,00, me?. Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall.
Rugby Team needs
contact ea257 to subscribe before 19.02. 1pm. CUADC: CUADC:
someone to video all our rugby
THE VISIT - a tragicomedy filled with ONE NIGHT STAND - 24 Hour
matches during the season CICCU: Kettle’s Yard: Drama - instant plays in the bar.
dark humour. ADC Theatre, .
Sidgwick@One: How to be free... Gaudier, Gabo and Bergson, Michael 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £3.
Contact: Sidgwick Site, Meade Room Harrison. Aprox 30 mins.
Liz Robertson or Dick Tilley (Economics). 1pm. Kettle’s Yard, 1:10pm. Lady Margaret Players and Lady Margaret Players and
01223 354131 or Anonymous Players: Anonymous Players:
curufc@btclick.com Saturday Friday Happy Days. Happy Days.
Cambridge University Persian Society: CICCU: Beckett’s extraordinary expression Beckett’s extraordinary expression
Talk and Dinner on 23.02. host: Master Sidgwick@One: The fulfilment of Old about the mystery of human existence. about the mystery of human existence.
The Heywood Society The Playroom, 9:30pm. The Playroom, 9:30pm. £5.50/4.
of Churchill College for Bam Testament Prophecy.
Presents... Earthquake Charity. Sidgwick Site, Meade Room £5.50/4.
Churchill College, Wolfson Room (Economics). 1pm. The Marlowe Society:
Lent Term REVIEW (Talk), Hall (Dinner). 06:30am. £ 10,00, Pembroke Players: SCRIPTLAB:
contact ea257 to subscribe before 19.02. CU Christian Science Organisation: HERE KITTY - a new play about sex, Rehearsed reading of new Cambridge
“Understanding Spiritual Healing” - lies and jelly babies. ADC Theatre, . writing. Contact lac43 for details.
An amalgamation of new
Monday find practical healing in your life. 11pm. £3 - £4. Pembroke College, New Cellars. 6pm.
writing, original adaptations and £Free.
CU STAR (Student Action for Friends’ Meeting House, 12, Jesus Lane
cutting-edge comedy. The Heywood Society:
Refugees): Asylum panel debate featur- (next to ADC Theatre).
ing top experts. 7:30pm. An amalgamation of new writing, Tuesday
Thurs. 19th- Sat. Trinity College, Winstanley Theatre original adaptations and cuttingedge Footlights:
21st February 7.30 pm comedy. CRACKING UP - the annual Spring
Peterhouse Theatre, £3 Peterhouse Theatre , 7:30. £3. Revue. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm.
£5 - £7.50.
Saturday
BATS: Wednesday
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the CUADC:
Speckled Band - today. EAST - Berkoff’s gritty East End
Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. drama. ADC Theatre, 10:30pm. £3 - £4.
11pm. £4/3.
Footlights:
CUADC: CRACKING UP - the annual Spring
SUMMER THE VISIT - a tragicomedy filled with
dark humour. ADC Theatre, .
Revue. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 -
£7.50.
WORK 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50.
Lady Margaret Players and
Thursday
CADS, CDW, Anonymous Players:
for Cambridge University International Anonymous Players: REFLECTIONS:
Summer Schools. Residential posts for Happy Days. Fresh thoughts on a universal theme.
4-7 weeks for senior Cambridge Beckett’s extraordinary expression An innovative dance show about rela-
about the mystery of human existence. tionships.
undergraduate and graduate students
The Playroom, . 9:30pm. £5.50/4. Christs College, New Court Theatre.
£200 per week plus college
7:30pm. £3/4.
accommodation. Pembroke Players:
HERE KITTY - a new play about sex, CUADC:
For details call network: lies and jelly babies. EAST - Berkoff’s gritty East End
140-398 or 01954 280398 ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3 - £4. drama. ADC Theatre, 10:30pm. £3 - £4.
Or write to: Resident Assistant posts, The Heywood Society: Footlights:
An amalgamation of new writing, CRACKING UP - the annual Spring
International Division, Madingley Hall,
original adaptations and cuttingedge Revue. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 -
Madingley, Cambridge CB3 8AQ comedy. Peterhouse, 7:30pm. £3. £7.50.
CLOSING DATE: 31 MARCH 2004
To view more listings visit www.varsity.co.uk
www.varsity.co.uk
LIFESTYLE
Feb 20 2004 13
asked parties, Savage parties, Victorian parties, Greek parties, Wild West parties, Russian parties, Circus parties, parties where
M one had to dress as somebody else, almost naked parties in St John's Wood, parties in flats and studios and houses and ships and
hotels and night clubs, in windmills and swimming baths, tea parties at school where one ate muffins and meringues and tinned
crab, parties at Oxford where one drank brown sherry and smoked Turkish cigarettes, dull dances in London and comic dances in Scotland
and disgusting dances in Paris - all that succession and repetition of massed humanity... Those vile bodies... (Evelyn Waugh, 1930)
t is all very well to throw a dinner for twenty well-chosen guests, but as Waugh wrote "We cherish our
I friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them." The dinner party primarily pro-
vides a perfect opportunity for self-amusement, self-indulgence and ultimately wonderful self-satisfac-
tion. Good planning and execution is an art that when honed to perfection, provides a kick comparable per-
haps only to five glasses of Champagne and a dance with a beautiful man from Monaco.
rom the outset, delight in the invitations, which must be scrawled stiff Smythson cards (www.uk.smythson.com), perhaps
F dripping in blots of pink paint (Heffers Art Shop) in anticipation of the Cy Twombly exhibition which arrives at the
Serpentine Gallery in April. Package in airmail envelopes, or bubble wrap, and cast into the ICMS, Cambridge’s handy
alternative to delivery by hand, and cheaper than Royal Mail.
ablecloths should be white and heavy (Robert Sayle or the
Party to a dinner T Monday Market) and serviettes are of course essential. For
flowers, spread pinkly tinted lilies in ostentatious vases
(Gabor Cossa Antiques, 34 Trumpington Street), or create tabletop
Japanese landscapes in almond blossom (The Flower House, 13
Magdalene Street). Remember candles are superior to electric light
for ambience and also provide material for precarious wax sculpting
moments, should your guests be artistically inclined (Prices candles
Assorted recommendations for a
from Breeze, Trinity Street). For inducing truly aesthetic moments,
one can also provide large blank canvases (Heffers Art Shop). Plan
your menu well, remembering that excess is everything. Desert pres-
entation must be the tour de force, for it is this that will provide the
truly fabulous night backdrop to later merry making. Wafts of Cologne (selfridges.co.uk)
and rose water (Sainsburys) should cascade over your guests; send
cheeses, quince, chocolate covered cocoa beans, panettone and pan-
By Blanche Blanc doro in heady procession across your table (Cambridge Cheese
Company, 4 All Saints Passage).
rink shots of gin over pomegranate seeds between courses, present a cocktail of frozen champagne and
D vodka in polystyrene cups with highlightered graffiti (Sainsburys, WH Smith). Industrial production
coffee machines provide a welcome accessory for the later hours (Robert Sayle and San Pellegrino), or
in fact any Italian branded mineral water to nourish the aesthete’s preferred irony (Limoncello, 204 Mill Road or
Trattoria Pasta Fresca - 66 Mill Road).
ollowing the party, a communal cleaning experi-
F ence provides a sobering experience. Grab the
nearest Dyson with no volume control, and apply
bleach with a pashmina and pearls at five in the morning.
Leave no stain, no evidence of havoc. Furnish your guests
with memorable trinkets – energy saving light bulbs
(Sainsburys), rings hand crafted by Christophe Gordon-
Brown (01223 500627, studio at Granchester Meadows) or
delightful truffles by The Chocolate House (6 All Saints
Passage).
fter the dinner, the cleaning and the break of day, shake yourself out, give your glad rags a stiff pep talk
A in the nearest trouser press and then join Anthony Blanche and I in plans for High Tea. Aim to begin
at four; champagne in gold-rimmed teacups, clockwork cake stands and Afternoon Blend. Fiends pro-
vide the new friends and exuberant day light is the new moonlight. Raucous.
With thanks to Hannah Barry.
Last Week’s Date Date of the Week
Your chance to date Cambridge’s most
Our much in demand date of the week, Amy, eligible singletons!
chose Raphael, a 1st year law student from Caius. A
swarthe Parisien, Raphael in his answers picked out
Belle de Seigneuru as his favourite book, said he
Russell
was best at ‘foiling plots’ and to pull, Amy simply Our man of the week is Russell
had to choose him. Abel, a 4th year International
Politics student at Fitzwilliam,
In such promising circumstances they met on President of the Hawks Club and
Tuesday at B Bar, Market Passage, to get to know part time super-hero...
one another over a bottle of champagne and a From: Tring
chocolate fondue. Favourite song: Bread of Heaven.
Favourite book: Things Fall Apart
Of the date, Amy said 'Tres sexy, Raphael was a by Chinua Achebe.
real gentleman. We had a lovely time and the fon- Descibe yourself in three words: pint
due was absolutely delicious.” of Stella.
Yeah yeah whatever Amy as if you’d remember What I'm best at: coming second.
the state you were in after Hawks dinner! - AG What I'm worst at: losing.
To pull me: would be most enjoyable
But Rapheal was nonetheless charmed:
“J'ai passé une excellente soirée. Amy est une fille
extra et j'espere que la revoir bientôt.” To date Russell email date@varsity.co.uk with ‘Russell’ in the title
by Sunday. Send answers to the same questions, your contact details
and a photo if possible.
14 FASHION
Feb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
varsityarts
20.02.04
Andrew Gillespie
I
have actually been imprisoned once, but it noble men - men with a gentle wisdom in their may imply, ‘Piracy on the High Seas’ is still
was only overnight. It was a long time ago sad eyes. In the best prison films, innocent men attended by the death penalty in this country
and it wasn’t my fault, Guv. No, the are finally, against all odds, set free by a team of and even the socially acceptable ‘possesion of
shameful truth of the matter is, my criminal hot-shot idealistic Lawyers, but only after Calpol’ can result in heavy fines.
Crime career started very late indeed. Unlike most
children, who are born savage and must be
tamed, I was born with an over-developed
sense of moral responsibility. I never stole any-
decades of battling nobly against Prejudice
(capital ‘P’), Injustice (capital ‘I’) and the
omnipresent threat of a good hard Bumming
(capital ‘B’). I learned that crime, while not
The VarsityArts Guide to Crime and Punishment
1. San Quentin, Cocaine, Folsom Prison Blues,
thing, not even penny sweets, I lectured my exactly ‘paying’ (at least not in the Pricehouse Delilah or any Johnny Cash before 1970
school friends on the perils of gambling on Cooper-Water sense of the word) has been 2. Falconer by John Cheever.
fruit machines and I fell into a faint at the very redeemed as a lifestyle choice by the possibili- 3.Prison films (The Shawshank Redemption, Cool
and thought of vandalising my desk with a biro.
This, as you may imagine, was a great burden
ty that, with any luck, you may end up in prison
and get to meet Morgan Freeman.
Hand Luke, Sleepers, The Green Mile, Hurricane)
4.Gangster Films (The Godfather part II,
to me. I was absolutely no fun at parties, my Charles Bronson, Britain’s most notorious Goodfellas, The Sopranos, Menace II Society, Boyz
only friend was my mother and even she called prisoner, could have told me all this ages ago, in da Hood, Donnie Brasco)
me ‘No Fun Jones’ behind my back. had I only been on his vistor’s list. He loves it 5. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky,
I tried earnestly to erode this excess of inside. He’s having a riot (figuratively, and 6. Bad Girls, Porridge, Oz and those scenes from
Punishment integrity, by spending every spare weekend of
my youth in dodgy nightclubs and on dark
street corners talking to shifty-looking men,
often literally). He’s even written a book, just
so no one else suffers under delusions similar to
mine. The Good Prison Guide rates prison
Birds of a Feather when Sharon and Tracey visit
their husbands.
7.Jailhouse Rock, Elvis Presley
and PVC-clad ladies - all to no avail. The more according to the same system that more effem- 8.Death Row Records (a criminal record being
I saw of the sordid degradation of this world, inate men rate hotels. Parkhurst Prison on the practically a prerequisite for a record deal)
the more I yearned to reform it. This unhappy Isle of Wight, for instance, is given the follow- 9.The Good Prison Guide by Charles Bronson -
state of affairs was finally resolved when, at the ing glowing report, “The cons did their bird “I saw another con get his eyeball ripped
age of 11, I saw The Shawshank Redemption for like cons should – like men. We worked hard in out...It was character building”
the first time (having been given special per- the gym. We cooked our own grub. We had lots 10. The ‘art’ work of John Wayne Gacey -
mission to stay up after 8pm). Prison, it tran- of sunbathing.” sometimes it takes being banged up for serial
Ellen E. Jones spired, was not what I’d imagined. Instead of Those considering jacking in their degrees killing to fully realise your talent for drawing
being full of sadistic, hard-nut reprobates it is, and embarking on a criminal career should clown portraits.
in fact, chock-a-block with compassionate, note that whatever Pirates of The Caribbean
Literature Film Classical
Detective Fiction Cinematic Retribution Opera is punishment
Page 21 Page 16 Page 19
Ben Kingsley’s house of sand and pain
Scorsese, Figgis and Eastwood present ‘The Blues’
Tarantino mark one
16 FILM Feb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
Carrie English rates Perelman’s urban tragedy
House of Sand and Fog Ben Kingsley), who, along with his wife potential of turning a tidy profit, repre- played by Kathy’s new boyfriend, Lester understand her and fears what she may
UK release on 27th Feb. and children, was forced to abandon a sents for him the possibility of a return Burdon (Ron Eldard), a sheriff who do to her family.
luxurious life in Iran when the Shah was to a life of dignity. takes an active interest in her case from The high-quality acting was not the
exiled. Though he works two menial Because the stakes are so high for the moment he comes to evict her. film’s only asset. Though it was Vadim
jobs he never returns home without first both characters, neither plays entirely Burdon, dressed in uniform, warns Perelman’s feature film directorial debut,
T
he House of Sand and Fog is a changing into a suit, a vanity which the fair. Even after the situation has been Behrani in front of his wife and son that it was beautifully shot (though some-
tragedy in the classical Greek Greeks would surely characterise as explained to him by Kathy’s lawyer if he does not sell the house back to the what fog-happy) and magnificently edit-
sense. In the film, which is hubris. The house, which he bought (Frances Fisher), Behrani refuses to county he will have them deported. And ed. This is not to say the film was flaw-
based on Andre Dubus III‘s best-sell- with his last cent because it had the return the house. But far dirtier tricks are that’s just a warm-up. less. The script, by Vadim Perelman and
ing novel of the same name, the fates Many critics have applauded the film Shawn Otto, faltered considerably when
are cruel, the gods are pitiless, and because, rather than judge the charac- it came to natural-sounding exposition.
everyone suffers in the end. ters, it accepts that justice can be an elu- In an early scene Kathy’s mother refers
Yet the plot, which follows two sive concept. Both Kathy and Behrani familiarly to “Frankie”, adding unneces-
unglamorous people’s battle for control sarily, “your big brother”. While the end-
of a modest California bungalow, is ing did not strike me as overly melodra-
hardly epic. Jennifer Connelly plays Kingsley’s depend- matic (I was teary-eyed, and the TCS
Kathy Nicolo, a house cleaner whose life reviewer was sniffling just as loudly), its
has been marred by alcoholism, addic- able brilliance emotional impact was blunted because,
tion, and spousal abandonment before unlike in Greek tragedy, the final catas-
the story even begins. Things become have moral claims to the house, and even trophe does not seem inevitable, but
drastically worse when, in the first few Burdon, whose zealousness on Kathy’s forced and improbable.
minutes of the movie, she is forcibly behalf leads to the ultimate tragedy, is On its deepest level, the film is a com-
evicted from her house for failing to pay often sympathetic. mentary on the American Dream,
business taxes. The irony is that she does Despite the director’s obvious efforts which has long been symbolized by a lit-
www.image.net
not own a business, and she is simply the to be neutral, it was hard not to favour tle white house with a picket fence. In
victim of a bureaucratic error. Error or the Behranis. This was due not only to this story, the American cannot hold
not, her house is sold at auction before Kingsley’s dependable brilliance but also onto the dream because the excesses of a
she even has time to speak to a lawyer, to Shohreh Aghdashloo’s excellent, wealthy society have led to her downfall,
and Kathy is out on the street. wide-eyed performance as Behrani’s but she is unwilling to share the dream
The new owner of the house is compassionate wife, who offers Kathy with immigrants. In the absence of a
Colonel Massoud Amir Behrani (Sir hospitality even though she cannot dream, they share a nightmare.
O
riginally broadcast on the in which the roots of the blues are traced prior to this had largely been ignored by Americans to listen to the music of the particular moment the blues was reinter-
American channel, PBS, The from the Mississipi Delta to the banks of many Americans. The results do not dis- ‘original’ blues players that had largely preted abroad and reintroduced in a new
Blues is a series of seven per- the Niger River in Mali. The film fea- appoint. (Figgis was in fact once a minor developed in their own homeland. Eric form that was universally embraced".
sonal, historical and at times impres- tures rare archival footage of blues part of this scene himself – he played in Clapton describes how he considered B.B. King, one of the last remaining
sionistic films by famous directors, giants, Son House, Muddy Waters and a blues band with Bryan Ferry). Eric himself an ‘ambassador’ who was on a great bluesmen of his generation,
exploring and paying homage to – John Lee Hooker, as well as new per- Clapton, John Mayall, Mick Fleetwood, mission to promote the blues. poignantly speculates that had it not
arguably - one of the most influential formances by Willie King, Taj Mahal a somewhat detached Peter Green and The film is interspersed with live ses- been for the success of the British stars
genres of music. and Ali Farka Toure. Lonnie Donnegan are amongst those sion footage of virtuoso guitarist Jeff that preached the blues, the door to his
Indeed, the directors all share a lively The film that I felt most compelled to interviewed and are seen here discussing Beck (go and see the film for his playing own and other great blues artists’ popu-
passion for the music, and the series was go and see was Mike Figgis’ Red, White the enormous impact that American alone), Tom Jones(!), Van Morrison and larity and success would never have been
generated under the guiding hand of and Blues. Figgis decided that his contri- blues artists had upon their own music Lulu(!!) playing blues standards in open in his lifetime. Fascinating.
keen blues devotee, Martin Scorsese. It is bution would involve revisiting the ‘60s and the incalculable debt owed to them. Abbey Road Studios. Figgis says: By Rebecca Bundhun
Scorsese himself that directs the first British Invasion that reintroduced the Nevertheless, the blues-based British "Hopefully the resulting recording ses- Further information on the series can be
film of the series, Feel Like Going Home, blues sound to America, a sound that music actually, in turn, inspired many sion will shine some light on why at a found at www.pbs.org/theblues/
Crime Watch Kat Harrington’s College Film of the week
Crime and Punishment
S
ix years after Jackie Brown, brings to the screen. However the House genius soundtrack and nods to the many
Quentin Tarantino delivers this of Blue Leaves showdown and Chiaki genres involved). The cliffhanger ending
savage revenge fairy tale, which Kuriyama’s deliciously deadly turn as a will leave you panting for more, so you’d
Lars Von Trier’s latest film Dogville, in the case.’ This ‘other element’ is the elevates the B movie to A grade pop seventeen-year-old schoolgirl assassin better wipe the blood off your face and
has one of the most satisfying end- psyche: in film as in literature, if the art. are worth the ticket price alone. sharpen you’re daito because Volume 2 is
ings I have ever seen. In it, a town- characters are not simply labelled from Kill Bill combines varied styles and Empty technique? Maybe, but its out soon.
ship of the vilest ‘everymen’ is entire- the outset either ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ we are genres into a melange of cinematic ref- none stop and Tarantino doesn’t miss a Kill Bill Volume One is showing at
ly annihilated – and I was glad. Here asked to consider them separately erences from 70’s Kung Fu and trick in delivering it to us (check out the Christ’s Sunday 22nd Feb.
is one of the better examples of cine- from their crimes and seek motivation Kurosawa samurai, to gritty westerns
matic retribution: the punishment in the dark recesses of human psychol- and even Anime. The result: a lush,
fit the crime like a glove. ogy. These are the ‘exceptional’ mur- eye boggling action flick. Just turn off
I can’t say I was expecting such a derers, the Hannibal Lecters and your brain and tune in to the beautiful
satisfactory end, for despite the sim- Patrick Batemans, whose charms and (if blood soaked) visuals.
plistic good versus bad dichotomy ‘intellect’ raise their status from
evident in most films, one often feels human beings to ubermensch. A lush, eye-boggling
cheated out of proper retribution. Of course, the ‘good’ are not nearly
And if good does triumph over evil, so interesting to characterise – some- action flick
it is usually in a formulaic manner. thing extra has to be added, hence the
Besides, less energy is put into the internal conflicts dogging most litiga- Uma Therman plays the uber-cool
characterisation of the ‘goodies’; as tors in mawkish legal yarns such as wispy blond warrior Black Mamba who
audiences we are constantly being Primal Fear. Here the crime and the decides to quit the Deadly Viper
asked to reconsider the motivations punishment take secondary place to Assassination Squad (DiVAS) to play
and psychologies of gangsters and the characterisation of the lawyer. happy families. On her wedding day her
murderers, even, in the case of Fight As a spectator, having expended a aforementioned cohorts decide to stab
Club, to revere them for their certain amount of interest and emo- her in the back. Unfortunately for them
unabashed championing of primordial tion in a character over two hours, I she survives the blood bath and after
www.image.net
drives. As Dostoyevsky says in his want the escapist’s ending: blood from four years in a coma wakes up with only
own Crime and Punishment, the con- the sinner and vindication for the one thing on her mind… getting even.
vict is considered ‘not quite like an sinned against. This proves to be a pretty gory busi-
ordinary murderer and robber, but By Laura Allsop ness. Be warned, THAT needle
that there [is usually] another element sequence in Pulp Fiction won’t have pre-
pared you for the utter carnage Kill Bill
Look who’s Tolkien now...
The Gallery of Lost Art Introducing Durer
www.varsity.co.uk
FILM / VISUAL ARTS
Feb 20, 2004 17
An alternative view of the Academy Awards
T
he Lord of the Rings trilogy, in translation) pip him for the for- istically recalcitrant thus far, any
largely ignored at the acade- mer, then the current 2/1 widely spread of five or lower on LOTR for
my awards for the past two available may look value. Tim total Oscars should be reacted to
years, looks set to sweep the board Robbins is best priced 4/6 with like an Ethiopian in an all you can
at the Oscars. The Oscar Ladbrokes to win best supporting eat buffet.
Ceremony is that time of year when actor, though Alec Baldwin (the
everyone’s attention turns to
A
cooler), 3/1 with Ladbrokes but 6/1 s the event draws nearer
Hollywood, including the book- with Corals, is a genuine DYM Cantor, Sporting Index et al
makers. (double your money) outsider. will likely produce some
While celebrity events have regu- Charlize Theron is widely report- special markets on speech length,
larly been huge fare for the bookies, ed to have effectively accepted her tears, most revealing dress, most
our friends upon the other side of academy award already for her por- people claiming to have been
the counter view awards ceremonies abused at never never land etc.
nervously. They fear Oscar night has The smart punter will avoid
more leaks than a one bedroom flat LOTR looks set to attempting to steal money on what
in Tower Hamlets, and that this will seem like certainties at ridiculously
lead to enormous windfalls for pun- sweep the board at short prices, and bide his time for
ters in the know. This inevitably the genuine opportunity. This week’s
leads to very short odds, and punters
the Oscars Bafta awards may have provided a
are left like a blind man at a strip few clues as to which of the odds on
show- you’re not quite sure where to trayal of a serial killer in Monster. favourites is most likely to fail to
place your money. However, Diane Keaton is graduate from the academy.
We all know Lord of the Rings will approaching strong on the rails, Recommended bets: Diane
win best picture, with odds shorter judged only a 3/1 shot by corals yet Keaton 2pts 4/1 best actress, Alec
www.image.net
than the list of people willing to 5.11/1 on the ever excellent Betfair, Baldwin 1pts 6/1 best supporting
attest to Gary Glitter’s good charac- so something’s gotta give. actor, LOTR ten times unit stake
ter. Best priced 1/4 with Ladbrokes. The Baftas sees Anne Reid’s per- buy on number of Oscars (probably
Even more of a certainty looks to formance as an older women re-dis- around 4.5-5).
be Peter Jackson (2/11) as best covering her sexuality (The Mother)
director, and few can begrudge him. and Naomi Watt’s portrayal of Jamie Martin
He’s someone with a name that Prince Harry’s average weekend (21 Oscar hopeful Robbins for the best the less mainstream Oscars. The
needs a break at the moment. Sean grams) neck and neck at 6/4 best supporting Bafta, and Lord of the Barbarian Invasions look a good bet The 76th annual Academy Awards
Penn (Mystic River) is more fancied price with Bluesq. Rings is set for a double best film even at 1/3 to sweep the best foreign are being shown on Sunday, February
for the Oscar (4/6) than the Bafta Cambridge graduate, Ian catch at 1/5. film Oscar, and though the spread 29th on abc.
(4/5), and should Bill Murray (Lost McKellen, looks likely to cruise past Perhaps best value can be found in betting firms are being uncharacter-
Dawn Tunstall on the Case of the World’s Art Critic Frank Whitford
Missing Masterpieces re-evaluates a medieval artist
A
and restored to its former position. n eclectic group of nation for his own image, Durer
Most of the works on display are Cantabrians gathered in the may hold a certain familiarity to
permanent features, made famous by upper reaches of Jesus many Cambridge lads about town.
their lamented absence from the art College last Thursday, for a talk by But it is in this self-representation
scene. Rather than being hidden away Sunday Times Art Critic, Frank that Mr Whitford believes Durer
in some secret location, inauthentic Whitford, hosted by the CU Visual wielded the importance of the
copies and illegal acquisitions are Arts Society. Mr Whitford, a grad- artist, a figure largely under-rated
accessible to all, though no cameras uate of the other place and the in his home of Nuremberg.
are allowed to record their existence. author of definitive works on artists However, even the eminent Frank
Natural catastrophes and the such as Schiele and Kandinsky, Whitford admits to being at the
havoc of War cause widespread admits to being irritated by art of beginning of this acquaintance with
devastation, wiping out life and art the 20th and 21st Centuries and so, the man behind the talent. Well
in a matter of seconds. In terms of in his recent research, delves into worth taking a moment’s Google-
organised crime, art theft ranks just the past. searching to see for yourself. A par-
under drugs and arms dealing, mak- And indeed, Mr Whitford’s cho- ticular piece to look out for is
ing up a massive £3 billion business sen artist, Albrecht Durer, was born Durer’s remarkable self-portrait,
in today’s world. Don’t think of in 1471, and was most celebrated in painted in the apocalyptic year
Thomas Crown - the idea of the his day for his graphic works. 1500 at the age of 28.
‘gentleman thief’ is outdated: art However, even with the passing of
theft is a huge underground trade. half a millennium, many still Sarah Williams
I
n the blockbuster movie Titanic, gallery of the mind is in some way Although there is no readily avail- believe him to be the most famous
James Cameron depicts one of invaluable or illegitimate. This muse- able market for the most well- of all German artists. Do not imag-
the most celebrated paintings of um houses all the glories of Atlantis known works, many pieces are ine stuffy subdued works that only
the last century, Picasso’s Les and Pompeii, and a wealth of other stolen to order for private collec- your granny could love. Durer’s art
Demoiselles d’Avignon, being lost desirous pieces including Blake’s tors. Stately homes and public gal- still retains an understanding of its
with the ship. Imagine this painting destroyed manuscripts, Aristotle’s leries are regular targets for careful- subject matter and an engagement
had never been discovered. An book on Comedy, Da Vinci’s master- ly planned heists, such as the sky- with reality that is remarkably
important pre-cursor to the avant- piece Leonardo’s Madonna, stolen light robbery of a £3 million advanced; indeed Whitford argues
garde, what would have happened during a raid on a Scottish Castle last Cezanne painting from an Oxford that Durer could be regarded under
to the notion of the primative. year, and every forged, frameless collection in June 2000, a theft a Modern guise...quite a claim!
Every year, art is lost to us , whether painting that has escaped detection. which stunned the police and public As piece after piece is considered,
through war, natural disaster, theft, or Every art work that has been thrown alike. It is relatively simple to it becomes clear that Durer seemed
the inability to transform artistic out, deemed worthless, is recovered transport illegal art abroad and to be anticipating modern trends
ideas into something concrete. by the gallery and given pride of incongruity between UK ownership centuries before many more cele-
Jonathan Jones, writer for The place. This museum is always open, laws and those of other European brated artists had even been born.
Guardian, theorises about a virtual and has infinite space for pieces old countries is an added incentive for He not only self-publicised and dis-
museum housing the world’s van- and new alike. There are no surveil- thieves. This is the sad reality of dis- tributed his work, but fought
ished works. According to Jones, “the lance cameras or guards on watch, appearing art. The Gallery of Lost against plagiarism and formulated
most celebrated works of art are the although sometimes art goes missing - Art exists only in a virtual realm, a new terms to discuss the art he was For more information about forthcom-
ones that don’t exist anymore.” not through theft but because it has place where all the world’s missing creating. A natural talent, mani- ing speakers, visit:
Everything on exhibition in the been discovered by the outside world pieces are immortalised. fested from childhood, with a fasci- www.visual-art-society.co.uk
It’s Oh So Quiet
A Krafty Kut Above the Rest
This is a Warning
18 MUSIC Feb 20 , 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
Five Tragic
Jon Swaine hears Damien Rice loud and clear Rock ‘n’ Roll
For a man so obviously burdened with melody and lucidity - third on the setlist.
Courtesy of Beatwax PR
every care in the world, it is with a
markedly delicate, unassuming charm
Combined with the stripped simplicity
of a revolving glitter ball, slowly reflect-
Deaths
that Damien Rice takes his stage. ing four white spotlights around the the- Some of our musical legends
Hurriedly affixing and tuning; hum- atre, the result is, in no exaggerated have died tragically young. This
ble, gracious but never embarrassed, terms, pin-drop silence. week Varsity takes a look at how
one can’t help but wonder how easily he So the precedent is set; the perform- five rock stars met their maker.
has made sense of the acclaim, sales ance continues as the gut-wrenching
and awards bequeathed upon O, a set refrains of Older Chests and The Blower’s 1. In a Plane Crash
of songs essentially composed as bed- Daughter are met with such stunned
room catharsis. muteness that any inadvertent shoe- Buddy Holly was only 22 when
Yet it is precisely his personal scale of squeaker is mercilessly hissed into sub- he decided to hire a private plane
creation that has rendered Rice so inad- mission. The tension is broken only by to replace his tour bus, which was
vertently accessible to all. His audience, Rice’s inebriated anecdotal charm; inti- having heating problems. Turned
a wildly varied demographic of mate tales of rescued seagulls, wasted out his plane got a lot hotter than
Oxbridge students mingling casually schooldays and underwater breath- he would have liked when it
amongst middle-aged Dido-financiers is holding are put to effective use, prevent- crashed shortly after take off,
testament to this, and to his outright ing the intense austerity of the night’s killing not only him but also
refusal to being hackneyed into Drive- proceedings from ever becoming over- beautiful I Remember, a collective swoon upon his audience an interpretation of Richie ‘La Bamba’ Valens and
Time banality. Whether he likes it or bearing. is tangibly directed at her waif-like sil- Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah of such The Big Bopper.
not, Damien Rice is fast becoming a fer- The magnificent vocals of Lisa houette from every corner. haunting poignance so as to dumb-
vid everyman to a jaded public aching Hannigan, far too resplendent to ever be As the closing chords of a tri- found 1300 witnesses into wide-eyed 2. Arguing with your Dad
for some musical permanence. classed as ‘backing’, are deserving of a umphant Cold Water fade, presumed incredulity. Without a hint of arro-
It is difficult to find fault with a per- review all on their own. Her ability to by most to mark the end of an aston- gance, Damien Rice accepts the song Marvin Gaye always had a
formance so bold and consistently constantly hit unfeasibly difficult notes is ishing evening, there is again sudden, as a symbolic baton from those before troubled relationship with his
accomplished as to think nothing of matched throughout the night by her inexplicable silence. Barely amplified, him. Rarely has there been a man Reverend father. It got a lot
placing Amie - a crescendo of pathos, versatility. As she takes the lead for the a horizontal Rice proceeds to bestow more worthy of it. worse when, after an argument
over an insurance bill, Marvin
Gay(e) Senior shot his son dead.
3. Going for a swim
In 1997 Jeff Buckley walked
Henry Bowen talks to the Brighton breakbeat maestro into the Mississippi river in the
middle of the night for a swim.
He never walked out again and
than blowing people’s minds.” says: “I listen to all sorts, funk, jazz, a lot his body was never found.
Courtesy of Fingerlickin
He describes his style as “something of hiphop, a bit of house, I scan through
I’ve created myself. Breaks is a great the radio to listen to what’s going on, 4. Taking a ride in a Mini
form of club music now, and hiphop’s rather than taking my influence directly
my first love: it’s really good trying to from certain people. I like funk music, so In 1977 Marc Bolan was being
balance the two, and I think people quite I wanted to make a modern version of driven home by his girlfriend
like that. I can start off with hip-hop, what funk is.” when she wrapped their mini
and drop in some breaks and maybe a bit So what can we expect when he around a tree. She survived, but
of drum ‘n’ bass.” comes to Cambridge? “The show con- her music legend boyfriend sadly
As for the breakbeat sound which he’s sists of two DJs and four MCs, includ- didn’t.
Krafty Kuts is no stranger to the Krafty cites his deejay influences as so heavily involved with, he seems ing legendary American jungle lyricist
decks. His first time behind Technics Jazzy Jeff, Cash Money, Grandmaster pleased that it’s “branching out to clubs TC Izlam. Lots of party funky hiphop, 5. On the toilet
was in a competition aged 17. He got Flash, all the old-skool hiphop DJs. “I like Gatecrasher; people are hearing lots of interaction with the crowd, just a
through to the finals. Since then he’s think that people should learn from the quality music, trance for me is like pop good funky atmosphere. It sends a good Elvis: Fat, bloated, on a toilet,
earnt a reputation as a skilled deck really well known DJs, but create your music. But I don’t think breakbeat’s as message.” burger in hand.
wizard and a prolific breakbeat pro- own style. My style is somewhere commercially acceptable as trance and
ducer. His latest project is new album between Cash Money and DJ Premier. disco house music. That’s got broader Catch Krafty Kuts on the Tricka RIP our rock and roll greats
Tricka Technology, a funky hip-hop I’m more into the funky side of things, appeal, it’s what the kids want to hear.” Technology tour at the Fez Club
mash-up with sidekick, A Skillz. so I like to keep things digestable rather As for his production influences, he on Tuesday 24th February
Reviews Max Baillie at the Junction
I’m no drum ‘n’ bass fanatic, though I
Aloud – Bob O’Lean love it for dancing, so as I head out of
Alex Mair
Open/Ministry of Sound, 23rd February town I don’t have expectations of the
select line-up for Warning’s 9th
No, not Girls Aloud. Bob O’Lean is the first single from a concept album by the Birthday. When I get there it doesn’t
pioneering Parisian disco-teers, Aloud, about a man named… Bob O’Lean. seem anything special - breakbeats
Apparently Bob is losing his mind (he’s ‘bubbling insane’) because he’s always had heavy, beats too indistinct, submerged
everything he’s ever wanted – sex, sun and the whole enchilada – but he’s not under a fat distorted wave of bass
happy. Thankfully, the track doesn’t focus too much on the story. It has some rea- vibrations. Still, I’m enjoying dancing.
sonably dirty beats and a low-down 70s male vocal: all in all, a very neat piece of After a good, but unremarkable, set
electro-disco-funk. It’s a fun track, but Aloud might want to let the concept album with Skibadee, the Ragga Twins come
concept slide – we just don’t care enough about Bob. on stage, working up the crowd energy
Amy Stockwell over some awesome jungle tunes.
By 3am, when we’re getting worked without moving their feet off the floor
up into a single sweating Dionysian and are always in groups of 3; a few of
Kasabian – Reason Is Treason mass, Dynamite and Fabio take over. your standard hip clubgoers; the odd
BMG, 23rd February Dynamite’s flow is mad: flowing synco- hippie; geezers who don’t take off their
pations and phrasing that doesn’t just go zipped up jackets or beanies and neither
All I know about Kasabian is that they are synonymous with the devil-spawn pur- with the regular time of the music, but sweat nor dance. All these, and the odd
veyors of boredom named Chikinki. And fuck me if they don’t sound exactly the across even sets of beats. He imitates random and rhythmless balding 45 year
same – murky bass, clumsy mash-up of synth and guitar, ‘I’m Lou Reed, hear me roar!’ samples and then lets rip with a million old, make up the mixed bag you’ll invari-
vocals. It’s disappointing to hear a band fill the rollicking first minute with a hint of mile an hour verbal hurricane. ably find at a commercial d’n’b night.
invention and rough hewn chaos, and then proceeding to play exactly the same thing Meanwhile we’re all loving it, no trace They were all out in full force last
for the rest of the song, before it collapses under its own aimless Scream-a-like tedi- of agro in the place. Reebok Classics Saturday, feeding off the night’s snow-
um. Trying to sound identical to The Cooper Temple Clause, who have two good boys with their baseball caps, sportswear, balling energy until 4am.
songs and nice hair, is no way to build a career in 2004 when everyone’s getting down chains and earrings; painted girls with Don’t miss Roni Size on March 25th.
to Franz Ferdinand, and it’s no way to get me to notice their insipid post-sludge wank. streaked blond hair and heels, who seem Two days of ringing in my ears worth it?
Sam Elliot to manage dancing to the raging beats Definitely.
Bach takes you on a rollercoaster
A premiere production Opera is punishment
www.varsity.co.uk
CLASSICAL
Feb 20, 2004 19
Ciarán Jenkins interviews renowned tenor Anthony Rolfe Johnson
“B
ach’s music is perfect; cas- early in the morning to avoid the sound invaluable. After a while he absorbed
Ria Cooke
cades of notes are absolute- of Gulf-bound jets flying overhead. Austrian methods, and was “singing G-
ly in the right place”. There should be no fighter planes to sharps which were ripping across the
Anthony Rolfe Johnson has a high contest with on Saturday night, inter- music. I’d then reached a point at which
opinion of Bach, and one senses that national terrorists permitting. He will I was at home with the Austro-German
he treats singing Bach’s music as an be accompanied, however, by sound. I was simply opening my mouth
honour. There was a genuine excite- Cambridge’s foremost ‘historically and letting the sound come out”.
ment in his voice and glimmer in his informed’ ensemble, Cu3e. ARJ sees expression and passion as
eyes as he discussed the forthcoming ARJ knows little as yet about his fundamental to making music, and
performance of St Matthew Passion in accompanying ensemble, but is general- he finds most music attractive if he
which he will sing the part of ly enthusiastic about the concept of can detect these qualities. I was
Evangelist. His zest for music and elo- curious to know whether, having now
quent expression of his love of Bach retired from the staged opera scene,
cut through the drab Cambridge driz- I’d like to sing he would consider becoming part of
zle. Here was a man advocating the ‘classical-pop’ crossover bubble
expression and passion in music, and Classic Jazz, some and releasing an album which may
the more I conversed with him the Ella Fitzgerald appeal to a wider audience. “I would
more excited I became about the prop- consider it, I’ve always wanted to do
sect of hearing him sing. maybe it. I’d like to sing classic jazz, some
His participation in the Passion Ella Fitzgerald maybe.”
should inject the Cambridge concert striving for ‘authentic’ performances: Unlike many classical musicians he is
scene with some much needed experi- “It’s a very nice thing to have, we don’t not inherently against the concept of
ence, and the audience should have that know much about how things were developing a broader audience for clas-
rare honour of hearing a thoroughly done but we can guess. Using baroque sical music through the crossover mar-
prepared performance. ARJ is well pitch makes so much difference”. ket, though he stresses that there is a
aware of the difficulties of singing Bach: Despite the fervent debate about fundamental difference between
“Do not underestimate it, be as fit as you whether ‘historically informed perform- Pavarotti and Russell Watson, “there is
can because it takes you on a rollercoast- ances’ are any more authentic than con- no contest” he remarks. We can guess
er ride, it is the hardest thing to sing temporary interpretations of baroque which one he prefers. One senses that
because it is the simplest of things”, and music, ARJ is adamant that devices such Anthony Rolfe Johnson would be at
in singing the role of Evangelist he will as the use of baroque pitch are much home singing classical or jazz. His
be able to count on his experience of more than a gimmick, “It just feels unadulterated passion for music, com-
singing the role in the past. right” he insists. bined with an exemplary level of pro-
He considers a performance of The As for his interpretation of Bach, he fessionalism, are qualities which would
Passion in 1991 at the Queen Elizabeth claims that the experience he gained impress any audience.
Hall among his most memorable per- from singing German baroque music in
formances, not least because it had to Austria and Germany whilst initially St Matthew Passion, Trinity College
be recorded for commercial release coming to grips with the style was Chapel, Feb 21, 6.30 pm.
The Tempest, Thomas Adès
A
nostalgic tonality in the midst of all changes; the music turns achingly beau- ccording to Radio 4, a judge in cello. Oh, and we could teach them to
Royal Opera House, 10 Feb the invention – but the soundworld he tiful during the love scenes of Ferdinand the USA has introduced a new read and write while we’re at it.
has created is strikingly new. and Miranda, as chains of suspensions disciplinary system for those 6) Crime: Chopsticks (the tune, we
It evolves out of imaginative soar through the orchestra; and the charged with civil disorder offences have no issue with the oriental eating
responses to Shakespeare’s play and to story’s threads are cunningly tied togeth- for playing music too loud: compul- implements.)
T
homas Adès’ new opera will the specially written libretto by the er with the help of a quasi-baroque pas- sory listening to opera. His reason- Punishment: Cutting off the fingers
surprise anyone expecting Australian playwright Meredith sacaglia in the ensemble near the end. ing is that if the prosecuted inflict of the annoying amateur ‘pianist’ and
something as off-the-wall as his Oakes. Oakes’ rhyming and half- Moritz Junge’s set and costume their music on society, he should replacing them with actual chopsticks.
last stage offering, the succès de scandale rhyming couplets simplify the original designs echo the originality of the score; inflict his music on them. The That’ll teach ‘em.
that was Powder Her Face. Compared text so that the music can shine out, the set is intermittently electrified by judge’s eye-for-an-eye, or rather aria- 7) Crime: Choral Music Societies
to the frenetic sensationalism of that but they also add an appealingly archa- laser beams and neon lights, and the for-a-rap attitude, has caused quite a comprised entirely of old ladies with
work, The Tempest has the whiff of a ic quality. The music plays an equally gigantic opening and closing book at the stir. Apparently some are even con- fatal vibrato, which is a frightening
composer reaching greater maturity; important role in the story telling: centre of the stage is used to great effect, verting to the classical cause and musical manifestation of their state of
the orchestral textures here are subtler, sequential, chromatic windings while, breathtakingly, aerial dancers from that moment on prefer Handel near death.
the vocal lines less garish, and the story emphasise Prospero’s self-absorption; appear to swim through the air. to hip-hop. Here are Varsity’s top 10 Punishment: Confiscating their
line, of course, is altogether less risqué the lovers Ferdinand and Miranda are The cast list is mouth-watering. musical crimes, and suggestions for Werther’s Originals.
– no risk of fellatio in Shakespeare. united by the way their melodies both Simon Keenlyside makes a striding punishment… 8) Crime: Techno panpipe buskers.
I can’t think of a composer more move in equal note values; Ariel and and authoritative Prospero, who is 1) Crime: Classical Music cliques. This particular brand of busker can be
suited to the subject matter in hand: Caliban, the non-humans, share a sim- finally overcome by the power of the The self-congratulatory world of found outside Boots playing, amongst
Adès knows exactly how to invoke a ilar harmonic language. love between Ferdinand and Miranda; Cambridge’s Classical inner circle. other tragedies, a panpipe version of the
world bristling with new sounds, The dramatic pacing throughout is Ian Bostridge as the pitiable Caliban Punishment: To sustain a conversa- Match of the Day theme tune. Their
bringing Prospero’s otherworldly brilliant; and there are theatrical delivers his tenor role with consum- tion for five minutes without using the absolute blindness in the face of even
island to life. Some of his trademarks moments to treasure. The song Five mate sensitivity and skill. The biggest phrase “one time on NYO…” the most basic musical standards
make welcome appearances – delicate fathoms deep has a luminous intensity, ovation at the premiere, however, went 2) Crime: Charlotte Church’s record extends to an optimism that someone
tintinnabulations, the swish of a hi- and is performed by Ariel atop a book- to the American soprano Cyndia contract. Since when have angels sung might actually buy one of their CDs.
hat, and above all the presence of a like structure that revolves as the scene Sieden, who, as Ariel, played a touchy Danny Boy? Punishment: Death by lethal
punk-cum-sprite and negotiated her Punishment: The young Welsh injection.
vocal and physical acrobatics with daz- singer should be made to face the fact 9) Crime: Out of tune chanting in
zling brilliance – I barely knew that that despite her recent accolade there football and rugby matches, when an
top Es, Fs and Gs could be sung, let are many better bums in showbiz. attempt at pitching a note equates to an
alone so beautifully. All the rest of the 3) Crime: Herbert Howells. adolescent squeal or a boozy grunt.
cast, including Covent Garden veter- Punishment: Harmony lessons. Neither result is desirable, particularly in
ans Philip Langridge and Gwynne 4) Crime: Restaurant music. I think close proximity.
Howell, deserve acclaim, as does the particularly of the wonderful five second Punishment: A meat pie from an in-
ROH orchestra, who seem on great excerpt from The Snowman, ‘Indianised’ stadium fast-food point; few survive
form under the composer’s baton. on a sitar and played on loop for ninety such an ordeal.
The opera’s final tableau, touching minutes in Café Naz and La Tasca’s 10) Crime: Classic FM TV. There’s
in the way only Adès can be, will stay Spanish version of Backstreet Boys. only so many times you can watch
long in my mind: the harmony takes Punishment: The restaurant man- scantily clad women pretending to play
on an otherworldly feel again, and agers should be forced to endure both musical instruments whilst gyrating
Caliban picks up the tattered crown Aled Jones and the Backstreet Boys in around as if taking part in a wet t-shirt
and places it on his scalp, king at last, English, whilst eating jellied eels. competition (honest).
while Ariel’s vocalisations whirl merri- 5) Crime: Playing the Viola. Punishment: Put on your clothes and
ly into the ether. Punishment: Compulsory tuition on play some proper music.
James Halliday another (proper) instrument, such as the Ciarán Jenkins & James Crawford
Clive Barda
Money, Greed, Revenge etc etc etc..
Which way to the Playroom? Cat-astrophic...
Eeeeh, the youth of today...
Smorgasbord
20 THEATRE Feb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
Nadia Kamil wonders if it was worth the visit
The Visit typed caricatures and bring out the caricatures and obvious theatrical
ADC Theatre, 17-21 Feb, 7.45pm best of this play, namely the priest devices; other parts are more natura-
(Tim Froggart) and the police inspec- listic in form, which doesn’t fit the
tor (Hanna Thomas). Credit also to tone of the play. The set designer has
the chorus, who brought out the more very cleverly constructed a rather
A
millionairess returns to her entertaining elements with energetic cunning set: it’s a shame the scene
poverty-stricken home town and enjoyable performances. Alex changes are so laborious and ill con-
with the promise of a rather Lamont is consistently strong and sidered.
large endowment to rebuild its There are some very good moments
economy. On one condition: that
justice is served.
“extreme caricatures in this production, some points to
really make you laugh, and other
The comic potential of this play is and obvious moments where you can really feel an
there in the text, but unfortunately it endearment to the pathetic town.
never seems to make itself fully theatrical devices” However, they are just moments; the
apparent in performance. Perhaps this production does not flow as a whole
is due to the language being that of believable as the rich old Claire and with a very Brechtian conclusion
the formal post-war era, or maybe it’s Zachanassian, adding a great touch of I was left wondering what part of the
a deficient translation; although the dark humour. play I was supposed to pay attention
cast really can afford to take the Pace is lacking for much of this to and take the moral message from.
humour further, they seem to skip production, most likely due to the This is a tragi-comedy which was
over their comic lines as if they are conflicting styles of performance. neither tender enough to make me
embarrassed by them. Some of the Some characters are played with an feel greatly moved nor comic enough
smaller parts capitalise on the stereo- element of surrealism, with extreme to leave me highly amused.
Map of the World Some of these were tedious, some unable to really make any contact Here Kitty Low points - and there were many -
Playroom, 17-21 Feb, 7pm interesting and some entertaining, with the audience. They seemed to ADC Theatre, 18-21 Feb, 11pm included a lecture on how to roll a joint
particularly those delivered by Jaffar deal with this by talking directly to and the depiction of a stoner’s night-
Kahn’s amusingly inflated novelist. each other, which had the effect of mare (involving picture frames and
Now and then, the play betrayed its you tending to look at the back of meaningless monologues that appar-
W
hen I hear that a play is Eighties origins and could have ben- people’s heads and feeling oddly I could not believe Here Kitty was an ently bore no relevance to the rest of the
about ‘the West’s prob- efited from a little editing to give it divorced from the action. Bearing in ADC lateshow. plot). Susannah Wharfe managed to
lematic relationship with more contemporary relevance. The mind the limitations of the Pretentious and poorly written, the pull this awful script from great depths
the Third World’, I start to get wor- main characters were sharp, with Playroom, the sets and lighting were play was only partially redeemed by the of turgidity and made the schizo-
ried. Worried that I’ll be sucked Kahn’s excellently energetic per- reasonable, although the actors tend- valiant efforts of the actors, notably Rob phrenic Kitty almost believable.
into some kind of No Logo-esque formance being spot on. Director ed to get lost in shadows. Heaps, Susannah Wharfe and Isabelle Schoelcher added much needed spirit
guilt trip. I was pleasantly surprised Claudia Yusef took on a small role It would have been easy to make Schoelcher. From start to finish the to the series of random romantic and
by Map of the World, which general- with very little to say but said it Map of the World trite and maximum script lacked any meaning, structure, sexual clichés from which her ‘life’ was
ly managed to stay entertaining superbly. credit to the Fletcher Players for plot, character development or proper constructed. Her ‘Wonder-woman’
despite some shaky moments. Sadly, the performance suffered avoiding this. However, with more interaction between the characters. impression, while entirely irrelevant,
The play is set at a UN conference badly from the bizarre shape of the care taken over the staging (and a Maybe the fact that the writer directed deserves particular mention. And
on poverty, giving the opportunity Playroom theatre. With the seating better theatre), it could have been a the play himself was the reason that Heaps’ skilful performance rescued the
for plenty of long speeches about the on two sides of the stage, and sepa- much more powerful piece. there was no objectivity in cutting or character from descent into an abyss of
poor, the West, principles and so on. rated by a wall, the actors were Iain Mathieson realising where the script simply didn’t perversity; in his hands Colin’s Conquests
work: it is a sad moment when the ‘com- almost gained a charming air. I cannot
mercial break’ is the most intentionally stress fully enough how well the actors
amusing part of the whole play. For a coped with such poor material.
play so reliant on quick scene changes, As Susannah’s character so wisely
the technical shoddiness was unforgiv- mused, Here Kitty is ‘very confused
This is Our Youth York – the result is a mirror for you to youth, you should be glad if it finds so able. Sets came down, costumes came and a little bit twisted.’
Queens’, 17-21 Feb, 7.30pm recognize yourself. This is your youth! A sharp a cast as director Archie Bland down and lighting rarely went up. Cath Fischl
little bit sexed up, perhaps: the drugs a found for his staging of Lonergan’s ver-
bit harder than yours, the language a bit sion. Conrad Mason is a “fucking
more vulgar, the quarrelling a bit more genius” (his own words) as Dennis, the
Look into the mirror! You can see your- heartless. But, apart from that, undoubt- rich-kid-turned-drug-dealer-who-is-
self, sitting on your sofa, hanging out
I
edly you. There you are despising your perfectly-aware-that-his-parent ’s- ’m not the theatre-going type, real- homoerotic tension is troped through
with friends, weighing the chances of parents’ lives, dreaming of your future as money-is-just-a-phone-call-away-to- ly. The nearest I got in Cambridge cancer of the maternal anus. False jocu-
getting laid, smoking joints, quar- a film director, talking to the girl you catapult-him-into-the-unavoidable- was my sole visit to the ADC bar larity engendered by middle class guilt is
relling – and being convinced all along have made love to for the first time yes- settled-life. Blake Marks-Landro, as for further units on a Tuesday night. wonderfully depicted in this terse
that this would make a marvellous terday, being shocked by a friend’s death. his friend Warren, does a great job at My two contributions to the atmos- vignette. Shit is also dwelt on in the
film! Or a marvellous play! Apart from that: hanging out. being bullied by him. Alice Harper, as phere of bohemian bonhomie were most intellectually ambitious of the
Kenneth Lonergan has done just this. If you ever get off the sofa and write Jessica, is wearing a breathtakingly offering a quiet, reserved classicist a pieces, Medicine. An overt tribute to
He has chronicled his own time as a lost, that marvellous play about your own low-cut dress (she seems a little bit threesome in the mistaken belief she Beckett, this impassioned exegesis of
rich and cool teenager in eighties’ New unique version of the universally shared afraid of it, though), and shows all the was bisexual, and abusing the staff in existential angst may prove a little self-
talent it takes to fill it. When she shows the (again mistaken) belief that they conscious and rarefied for some tastes,
us the anguish and insecurity of a girl had stolen my new scarf. but it nevertheless exerts a peculiar
who has made love on the first date, It will come as some surprise, then, power of affective allure. Albee seems to
Archie Bland
she reveals true artistic sensitivity. You that I appear to be writing a theatre be the model for the keen-edged Draw,
might nevertheless decide not to write review. The fact is, however, that these where the reason for the conflict is sub-
your play after all. plays are yet to be put on; I am safely merged beneath absurdist stichomythia.
You might find that there is nothing ensconced in my room, script and fag in He and Whore is perhaps the strongest
you could tell the world that it does not hand. offering, utilising silence with great
already know. Lonergan has averted this Smorgasbord is a fresh young venture affect. Woody Allen’s pretension and
danger and, as a remedy, added some with the redoubtable Kitty St Auburn at Hollywood’s exploitation of exploitation
serious philosophical reflection to the its helm as artistic director. The first are laid bare on the shocking slate of this
play: “He is dead! Do you know what production is scheduled for week seven, text. The plays are, in general, of a very
that means!? He will not be around any- and it promises to be an interesting high standard. And it is for this reason
more!” Yet Warren himself is not too evening. The plays to be performed - that I must urge you, whether or not you
convinced about the author’s success: nine in all - without exception play on are, like me, an intellectual manqué who
“The intellectual stimulation…I am themes of alienation and anomie, ennui flies into paroxysms of hermeneutic
somehow not getting it.” He may have and enervation. In the aptly named delight at the mere mention of a float-
his finger on something there. But the Peter Bumps Into The Bloke From The ing signifier, to go and see them.
acting is supreme nevertheless. Kebab House And Is Forced To Realise Glyn Salton-Cox
Sebastian Raedler That Their Relationship Is Not Suited To Smorgasbord runs
Life Outside Said Kebab House confused 2-6 March at the Playroom
Crime in the Spotlight
The Case of The Missing Hero
Mildly Entertaining, My Dear Watson
www.varsity.co.uk
THEATRE / LITERATURE
Feb 20, 2004 21
Backstage
Theatre News
Archie Bland stands up for bastards SPOOKY: In true Friday 13th
style, regular readers may have
C
rime can be a very casual thing. No literary medium is better capable more than a resentful look. Dennis, a Dennis follows in a fine tradition of been perplexed by the fact that
It’s a peculiar truth that the of presenting this than theatre, simply charming bully whose dazzling aggres- charming theatrical bastards. From half of the theatre section (and all
pettier the crime is, the more because where prose or poetry inevitably sive verbal violence forces others into Edmund in Lear via The Changeling’s of our good friends in literature)
likely it is to be deliberately thought foreground authorial opinion – one can- open warfare or silence, is met only with DeFlores to Lenny in The Homecoming, had been inadvertently substitut-
out: most murderers, for instance, are not escape from the presence of a narra- mild reproach from his best friend there has always been something attrac- ed with some distinctly non-the-
not of an especially criminal mindset, tor, or at least some kind of voice – Warren: following a devastating indict- tive about casual callousness: perhaps it is atrical sports news. Our apologies
because the vast majority of murders drama can at least try to force the cre- ment of Warren’s personal failings the sense that they say what we wished to the writers and illustrators
are committed in a domestic context, ative point of view into the background, (‘You’re such a snivelling little obnox- we dared to, and follow a different – effected – the missing content
usually as a result of some sort of and leave judgments to an audience. ious punk… This is good for you. arguably higher – morality: Edmund is can be found online.
intense provocation. When the illusion of a neutral presenta- Listen. You’re a fucking idiot’), he is the only really truthful character in Lear.
This isn’t to suggest that it’s OK to tion is preserved, morality becomes a asked, ‘why do you say that shit?’ and Who, when he proclaims ‘thou, nature,
do things wrong if you do them by mis- much more slippery, more complicated can only answer: ‘Because it’s true. art my goddess; to thy law my services are
take; still, anyone who hopes to under- thing. In Ken Lonergan’s comedy of Because you deserve it.’ On the other bound,’ can help feeling a pang of jealous
stand what it is to be human must adolescence, This Is Our Youth, we see hand, all three characters in the play admiration? Still, in the end, Edmund
realise that we are all capable of doing characters who do illicit things quite take drugs with abandon, and, if it dies: these characters cannot ultimately
terrible things under intense provoca- innocently, and treat each other with sometimes causes sadness, it never escape their distaste for the socially
tion. On the other hand, petty fraud, or real cruelty in entirely legal ways: it seems like an inherently abhorrent imposed morality their peers follow. In NOT SPOOKY: There’s still
minor vandalism, are more peculiar seems almost incomprehensible that the action, though crime it may be. And the meantime, though, they have a much time to enter our competition to
phenomena, and difficult to understand first should be punishable with a jail Warren steals $15,000 dollars, and we better time: as Edmund proclaims, ‘Now, win a pair of tickets to see the
for the average onlooker. sentence, and the second with nothing rather like him for it. gods, stand up for bastards!’ acclaimed Faster (above) at
Cambridge Drama Centre next
week. To enter, email your details
to theatre@varsity.co.uk before
Wednesday. CA
Sherlock Holmes ...Speckled Band ment that I realised that it wasn’t. cameo that helped lift the show from placed string music.
Queens’, 17-21 Feb, 11pm The play opens with Holmes and its rather static start. There was also This play is not the best thing
Varsuty Archive
his tag-along, Dr Watson, being one genuinely funny scene, involving you’ll see all term, but I don’t sup-
interrupted by the regular morning Holmes’ enquiries into the domestic pose it is trying to be, and it is, at
‘distressed woman’. Several deduc- animals present in a particular item least, entertaining in parts. To be
F
or the first few minutes of tions later this results in the success- of furniture, and the purpose of a fair, even if you don’t enjoy it, you
Sherlock Holmes and the Case ful killing of a bad chap. The play, as leather whip. can probably pass some of the time
of the Speckled Band I had a may well be inferred from the above The set, for a late show, was sur- completing ‘Holme’s Tease’ which
horrible feeling that it was one of few sentences, is fairly light-hearted. prisingly good. The use of multiple has been thoughtfully supplied with
those serious attempts to dramatise It is also mildly entertaining. The levels was effective and the rooms the programme.
Conan Doyle’s detective. Irate Dr Grimesby Roylott (Andre cleverly constructed and furnished.
It was with relief and some amuse- Marmot) gave an amusing little This was all aided by appropriately Oliver Robinson
Cam Stories
Excrutiating
Miss Elaine Tierney on Chandler and Detective Fiction
Valentine’s ost writing on detective fic- locked in a battle of strategy and will Marlowe to spin his own story: nothing and by whom. Rather than create narra-
from Coleridge M tion makes a great deal of the
genre as a model of control.
Shit happens, shit is resolved, and all
with the indefatigable other. Yet, it does-
n’t quite figure Marlowe. Though cer-
tainly smart (or, at the very least, ever
happens outside the limits of his voice.
And what a voice! A gold standard prose,
well able to case a joint in a couple of sen-
tive closure we comb what has gone
before to know how he knows, turning
up little to leave us any the wiser. Which
Dear Miss, within the strict formal regulations ready with the smart answer), he’s tences; low on unnecessary detail, not a is only right. The Big Sleep is not a story
My dear Anne, you are my which genre imposes. The endings of nobody’s lover for very long. And, those word wasted. It’s the tonal equivalent of for those who like their endings com-
Valentine. I dreamt of you this morn- detective stories matter: these endings, never breaking into a sweat. Which is, plete. Its business is mess and those
ing, and I have seen no female in the more so than in other kinds of fiction, perhaps, Chandler’s biggest con: the read- secrets best swept under the drawing
whole course of this day, except an old shape the course the narrative can rea-
On re-reading one er allows too much authority to room carpet. It is, in fact, apt that we are
bedmaker belonging to the College, sonably take. realises the extent of Marlowe’s ease of pronouncement. It left out in the cold: in a world where no
and I don’t count her one, as the bris- The end marks the beginning; the happened, we think, just as he said it did. one can be trusted, why should the read-
tle of her beard makes me suspect her writer of crime fiction starts from a point Marlowe’s irrationality Blind-sighted, it is only on re-reading er expect to be any better? Chandler
to be of the masculine gender. If I of narrative resolution. The expression that one realises the extent of Marlowe’s eschews the comforting finality the
could draw, I would have sent a pret- “closure”, woefully overused, actually power struggles he does become irrationality, and just how much genre invites us to expect. We end on the
ty heart struck through with arrows, means something to our reading: we embroiled in are rarely of his own mak- Chandler’s narrative omits to tell us. edge of uncertainty, the great unknown;
with some such sweet posy under- don’t just want to know “whodunnit”, ing. Thinking Chandler’s story or an indistinction of ending no story can
neath it as this:- but how. The reader does not seek to Marlowe’s character into the constric- he Big Sleep, for example, and hope to control:
“The rose is red, the violet blue;
The pink is sweet and so are you.”
But as the Gods have not made me
take anything away from the scene of the
crime: we, like the investigating officers,
leave everything as found. In Franco
tion of easy read signs and symbols just
doesn’t work. Too much is made of the
man and his fallibility for us to judge
T its rather puzzling ending.
Between Realito and returning
to the Sternwood mansion, Marlowe
“What did it matter where you lay
once you were dead? In a dirty sump or
in a marble tower on top of a high hill?
a drawer (of anything but corks) you Moretti’s words, “One reads only with him a mere literary type, close kin to the pursues a train of thought to which we You were dead, you were sleeping the big
must accept the will for the deed….Is the purpose of remaining as one already Cowboy or soft-voiced gangster. are not party. For some inexplicable rea- sleep, you were not bothered by things
Mr. Caleb Barlow recovered of the is: innocent. Detective fiction owes its In a world where it’s the private son he knows he will be shot at (again) like that.”
rheumatism? The quiet ugliness of success to the fact that it teaches us detective’s professional obligation to
Cambridge supplies me with very few nothing.” Or, indeed, shows us nothing know, Marlowe, more often than
communicables in the news way. The of ourselves that we do not wish to see. not, is stumped.
town is very fertile in alleys, and mud Rather, we are brought to a point of res- My pleasure in reading Raymond
and cats and dogs...I keep a cat. Amid olution and reassurance. Order is Chandler comes from the cussed irra-
the strange collection of strange ani- restored, periodically, to a big, bad world. tionality of his hero. Offered the choice
mals with which I am surrounded, I The case is closed. between the hard and an easy way, it’s a
think it necessary to have some meek All of which makes detective fiction fair bet Marlowe’s will shun the latter.
well looking being, that I may keep sound about as thrilling as a page of hard The Big Sleep, for example, and that
my social affections alive. Puss, like sums. I am reminded of those endless sequence of events following Geiger the
twist.lib.viowa.edu
her master, is a very gentle brute, my games of chess Philip Marlowe plays pornographer’s murder: given the option
sweet Pussy. I wish, Puss! N.B- If against himself, re-enacting famous of entering without breaking- an open
ever, Mary, you should feel yourself matches, and duly losing. Chess, backdoor - Marlowe chooses locked,
inclined to visit me at Cambridge, emblematic of lovers, becomes the lone inaccessible French windows. Why walk
pray do not suffer the consideration man’s game of choice. It is, of course, in unnoticed when you could needlessly
of my having a cat deter you…. symbolic too of the struggle for power; draw attention to yourself?
the thinking man’s game of skill. An apt This shamus, quite simply, is a self-
figure, one would think, for the man dramatiser. Chandler, after all, allows
22 SPORT Feb 20, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk
Sam
Richardson
But the players seemed to be fully in starts doing press conferences in his mobile. “They’re designed to ‘snap
favour of the calendar. Midfielder Alison bathing suit.” It’s fair to say that is a sight back’ when grabbed - so if a player
Forman said of it, “We live together, we that few people would want to see. does get caught he’ll find it much
train together... we thought, why not do Rather like the England rugby easier to escape the tackle. The
the shoot together?”. Nineteen year-old team wearing skintight tops. England boys won’t be as hot as
striker Alicia Ferguson said she was According to the publicity blurb, the before either. Ventilation around the
BARENAKED LADIES IN THE
proud to be involved. “The idea was put Nike tops are 40% lighter than their ribs, underarms and lower back will
SPORTING ARENA
forward to us and it was our decision predecessors, with the body hugging help keep them cool”. But they cer-
whether we wanted to do it or not”. design making them dynamic and tainly don’t look cool in those tops.
The issue here is surely one of choice.
Someone who is clearly embittered The Cambridge girls are not the first Which may explain the reaction to the
with their coverage in Varsity Sport to come up with such an idea. The recent suggestion by Sepp Blatter, that
seems to find amusement in signing Matilda’s, Australia’s women’s football women footballers should wear “more
our email address up to lots of porn team, are better known for their raunchy feminine uniforms, for example tighter
sites. And so, when the poster on the calendars than for their exploits on the shorts. In volleyball the women also
right arrived in our inbox, it made a pitch. One Sydney columnist responded, wear uniforms different to those of the
welcome change. ‘if the Matildas don’t score on the field, men. Pretty women are playing football
Do you want to see these girls in action?
The women’s lacrosse team, looking male fans could well do so in the dress- today. Excuse me for saying that.”
for some more, er, exposure for their ing room later’. Needless to say, he was not excused.
sport, seemed to have got the impression Ms Mary Crooks, director of the England keeper Pauline Cope said
that Varsity (or Arsity) was not above Victorian Women’s Trust, responding to Blatter’s advice was “typical of a bloke”.
providing free advertising in exchange the Aussie calendar, suggested that When it is the choice of the players
for revealing photographs. They were of ‘Women at an elite sports level – and you involved, skimpy costumes can be
course right: The men’s, women’s and can understand their frustration – just acceptable. But when it is the idea of a
mixed Varsity Lacrosse matches take don’t enjoy anywhere near the same kind dirty old man (oops – there goes my
place in Oxford on Saturday March 6th. of funding support as men’. The issue chance of an interview) the players are
If you want a £10 coach ticket, email she touches on is an important one, and surely right to assert themselves
Hannah (I’m not sure which one she is until women’s sport receives fairer fund- US skipper Julie Foudy said, “We’ll
in the photo) on hcd25. ing the problems are likely to remain. start wearing tighter shorts when he
Long Road fight Girton, while Girton fight for title
College Football The opening ten minutes of the game
were very scrappy, with both sides unable
to settle. The game was regularly broken
The Division 1 title developed into a up with fouls from both sides, which set
four way clash between Girton, Jesus, the precedent for the rest of the game.
John’s and Catz. Jesus’ victory over However, it wasn’t very long before
Darwin set them up nicely, especially Jesus started to put their passes together
when Girton were held by Downing. and in the 15th minute John Russell
But we start with yesterday’s fiery played a fantastic ball in behind the
clash, when Girton reinvigorated their Darwin defence for Will Stevenson to
title challenge with a victory over Long place the ball across the keeper and into
Road. the far corner.
The behaviour of some Long Road Jesus dominated the rest of the half,
players, en route to a captivating 3-2 though in midfield Phil Treharne kept
defeat by Girton, has prompted the the graduate college in with a shout
lodging of an official complaint by the while Matt Reeves was holding the ball
match referee, writes Gavin Versi. well up front.
“That was an absolute disgrace,” said a However, just before half time, Jesus
shocked Mickey Villa of Girton. “These broke through again, with Stevenson
guys don’t even deserve to live.” His attempting to chip the keeper from the
comments came immediately after a edge of the box. Much to Darwin’s relief
game that had seen a fifteen-man melee, the ball rebounded agonisingly off the
Dan Soars
two red cards and a caution in the last post, and the half time whistle blew.
ten minutes. The second half was an edgy affair,
The catalyst for the ruck was a two- with Darwin trying to box Jesus into
footed challenge on Girton star man their own half while Jesus played count-
Alex Mugan. A mass-scale scrum was
Jesus’ James Loxam watches as a Darwin effort flashes across the Jesus goal er-attacking football.
staged and several obscene threats of his own players. Jones had vocally another defensive blunder let Downing’s As full-time neared, Girton’s despera- After a period of great pressure by
violence were made: two red cards were encouraged further dismissals, prompt- Steve Bailey through, one-on-one, with tion became obvious, throwing every- Darwin, Jesus started to break with
shown to schoolboys. ing Childs to wonder whether the sec- Girton keeper Rob Jones, who was no thing they had at the Downing goal. menace and Will Stevenson’s diving
GCFC are staging an ent next week- ond year Historian suffered from match for the calm finishing that left the Even “the captain who never plays”, Bob header was just kept out while John
end, in which they were hoping to per- Tourette’s syndrome. home-side 2 goals behind. Griffiths, made a cameo appearance as Russell was unlucky to see a rasping,
form a strip.The Senior Tutor mistaken- “That was our best performance of Girton’s reply came just a minute later, his team battled for a draw. The visitors’ right-foot drive well held by the keeper.
ly thought they were going to hire a the season in the first half,” said Girton as stocky left-back Jamie Knibbs lofted a goal was put under siege, with Paul Touil Jesus then brought on Stephen Pike
female stripper and put the kibosh on it. captain Bob Griffiths. “Long Road shot from 20-yards out, sailing the ball hitting both Downing posts. Then, with who was unlucky to miss after being put
One Long Road player may have caught could be one of the better teams in the over Downing keeper, Ben Wiles, to the last kick of the game, pseudo-cap- through one-on-one after a quick free
wind of the idea, as he mooned the league, but they need to realise the disci- score a magnificent goal and haul his tain, Donald Davidson, scrambled the kick.
crowd during the fracas. pline of the Cambridge league.” team back into the game. ball over the line and into the visitors’ net With about ten minutes to go, Jesus
The match itself was a cracker. A bril- It was a good turnaround for a Another defensive error was to blame to grab a much needed point. finished the job from a set piece. The
5 liant brace from Rohit Trivedi gave Girton side whose title efforts had for the game’s fourth goal, but this time A glum Griffiths’ only comment after corner was swung in beautifully for Tim
Girton a 2-0 lead, before Mugan scored looked dented earlier in the week as it was Downing’s turn to cringe, as the game, was that his Girton side’s per- Swain to head it goalwards. Though the
4 one of the best free-kicks the college they were held by Downing. Early Dewhirst scored an own goal in the 20th formance was “f***ing disgraceful”. ball was scrambled away, the referee
league has ever seen: a curling left-foot- Downing goals in both halves of an minute with his right knee. Nevertheless, he was “still confident deemed the ball had crossed the line and
ed strike from 25 yards that went in off exciting encounter tested the mettle of 10 minutes into the second-half about league success”. Jesus’ lead was secured.
the underside of the crossbar. Long a frustrated Girton side, made to work Bailey, again putting Downing into lead, Elsewehere, a win for Jesus against Late pressure by Darwin proved
Road pulled two goals back mid-way for their point in a 6 goal, Valentine’s this time from the penalty spot, after Darwin propelled them into the title fruitless and the result puts Jesus into a
through the second half to ensure a rous- Day thriller, writes Ben Reeve. Rich Payne was bundled in the box. battle, writes Adam Edelshain. strong position as the season goes into
ing, tempestuous finale. In the very first minute, a rare mistake Girton’s frustrated ex-captain, Greg Jesus ran out comfortable winners its final few games. Darwin on the
Long Road manager Chris Childs from long-serving Girton centre-half, Smyth could be heard saying “I don’t though the home support were more other hand will have to start building
was careful to point out that Girton Mickey Villa, put him on the score- know what we’re doing, but it’s certainly than a little nervous until Tim Swain for next season if they hope to chal-
goalkeeper Rob Jones was as culpable as sheet with an own-goal, 12-minutes in, not playing football”. doubled the lead in the 80th minute. lenge for the title.
Men’s Football - Div 1 Men’s Football - Div 2 Men’s Football - Div 3 Men’s Hockey - Div 1 Women’s Hockey - Div 1 Women’s Rugby - Div 1
P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L PD Pts
St Catz 7 6 1 0 18 6 19 Churchill 6 5 1 0 14 5 16 Christ’s 6 5 0 1 24 10 15 Magdalene 7 7 0 0 32 2 14 Girton 6 4 1 1 10 5 13 Trinity 7 5 0 2 +138 10
Girton 6 4 2 0 16 5 14 Robinson 7 5 1 1 19 13 16 Sidney 5 3 2 0 18 5 11 Caius 8 6 1 1 20 14 13 St Catz 5 4 0 1 14 2 12 Emmanuel 6 5 0 1 +65 10
St John’s 6 4 1 1 21 7 13 Emmanuel 6 4 1 1 20 5 13 Hills Road 4 3 1 0 13 4 9 Jesus 7 6 0 1 39 6 12 Jesus 4 4 0 4 7 0 12 Queens’ 4 3 0 1 +18 6
Jesus 6 4 1 1 8 7 13 Caius 6 4 1 1 21 10 13 APU 5 3 0 2 14 8 9 St Catz 9 5 0 4 21 17 10 Caius 4 3 1 0 11 2 10 St John’s 4 2 0 2 +26 4
Fitzwilliam 5 2 1 2 4 7 7 Homerton 7 3 0 3 10 11 10 Clare 6 3 0 3 11 13 9 St John’s 5 4 1 0 25 10 9 New Hall 6 3 0 3 9 9 9 Girton 5 2 0 3 -38 4
Darwin 7 2 1 2 6 17 7 St John’s II 7 2 1 4 13 12 7 Trinity Hall 5 3 0 2 18 11 8 Cam City 7 3 1 3 20 17 7 Trinity 6 1 2 3 4 7 5 Churchill 7 2 0 5 -77 4
Downing 6 1 1 3 16 10 4 Fitz II 7 2 1 4 12 16 7 Girton II 6 2 0 4 13 24 6 Robinson 6 3 0 3 33 25 6 Queens’ 5 0 3 2 1 3 3 Clare/Tit Hl 3 1 0 2 -26 2
Pembroke 6 0 1 4 1 24 1 Queens 6 1 1 4 7 15 4 CCSS 6 1 0 5 11 23 3 Emma 8 2 2 4 15 29 5 Emma 6 1 0 5 3 15 3 Caius 4 0 0 4 -106 0
Trinity 4 0 0 4 2 9 0 Selwyn 4 1 0 3 5 11 3 Long Road II 4 1 0 3 7 15 2 Sidney 7 2 1 4 9 17 5 Fitzwilliam 6 0 1 5 0 16 1
Long Road 3 0 1 2 6 8 -1 Kings 6 0 0 6 2 25 0 Magdalene 5 0 1 4 5 21 1 Queens 8 1 0 7 3 30 2
Pembroke 7 0 0 7 2 24 0
Downing 5 0 0 5 5 32 0
www.varsity.co.uk
SPORT
Feb 20, 2004 23
Blues overturn champs Sport in Brief
Women’s Rugby teams, at half time there was still no
score. Cambridge, who could only
prolonged period of pressure on the
UWIC line. From a 5m scrum in
BLUES 15 be happy at not conceding points,
prepared to dig in harder in the sec-
Cambridge’s favour, the ball was
skilfully guided back to Menna
Ladies Real Tennis
UWIC 5 ond half. The Blues came out hard Clatworthy at No 8. From there, the Despite a huge disadvantage in handicaps, the Cambridge University
and fast, giving just what was needed pack simply walked UWIC back- Ladies Real Tennis Team secured an impressive victory against Hatfield
Alexandra Stevens to start to swing the match their way. wards over the line for Clatworthy to a fortnight ago, winning all of their five matches. However, the victory
Cambridge started winning scrums score the Blues’ second. was not enough to gain advantage in the Varsity match the following
against the head and some superb By now, UWIC were frustrated week, which saw a painful 5-0 defeat to the Dark Blues. The end result
It was with much trepidation and lots jumping by Herbie in the line outs and all playing out of their skins but, was not fully representative of the standard of Cambridge play, with sets
of guts, determination and hope that secured all of the Blues’ balls and unluckily for them, Cambridge had being won by Georgie Eastwood, Enone Poole-Wilson and Captain
the Blues faced UWIC, unbeaten in even started stealing some of finally found the elusive team spirit Kate Milne, whose opponent gained a rare full Blue for her impressive
the BUSA League for the last four UWIC’s ball. and determination for which they handicap. Cambridge managed to produce a crowd of supporters twice
years, last Wednesday at Jesus pitch- Unsurprisingly, it did not take have been searching all season. Our the size of the home team’s, who were treated to many exciting and close
es. UWIC are currently top of long for Cambridge to convert this girls’ third try came from a period of games, often going to 5-6 despite the abnormalities of the smaller
Premier Division South and are pressure to much needed points. A play when UWIC were attempting Oxford court and the unexpected time and order of play. Thanks to the
tipped for a third successive back line move, with some great ball to run the ball out of their own half. sponsorship of Pol Roger Champagne, the Cambridge Ladies were con-
Championship Title this year. handling from Schaffer and Jess Veteran player Fi Crowe was able to fidently able to win the after-show match at the dinner.
Far from being the multi-try Seddon, gave the ball to Toyin Ajayi maul the ball and turn the situation
walkover that many had predicted, whose strong running proved too to Cambridge’s favour, allowing
Cambridge stormed out in the first
half and matched UWIC (University
much for the UWIC defence, culmi-
nating in the first try of the match.
Clatworthy to rip the ball and pass
out left to Ojayi and then on to
Revolver and Pistol Club
of Wales Institute Cardiff ) in every With the try came euphoria and England Students winger Kosi Intershoot is an international air pistol and air rifle competition
aspect of the game both up front and much celebration from the sidelines. Abdulai whose tremendous pace held annually in The Hague. It provides a unique opportunity to
in the backs. Special mention must The Blues were even more deter- brought her in easily under the posts. compete against international teams from countries such as Portugal,
go to fly half Michelle Schaffer for mined that the match would be The missed conversion was the last The Netherlands, Japan, and of course England, in a three day event.
some superb kicking, and for theirs but, unfortunately, just a short play of the match. (CURPC members compete in the air pistol competitions only).
tremendous tackling from wingers while later a missed tackle led to Cambridge now have to dig deep This year the club sent a team of 5 club members past and present.
Emily Lethbridge and Alex Gillen. UWIC going over the line to even for the rest of the season. Their next The team shot impressively and gained experience shooting at a high
The forwards rucked low and hard up the scores. This was the wake up opposition will be Birmingham level. This year’s competition was also of note as two CU club mem-
and were solid in set pieces, provid- call the Blues finally needed and, University in the BUSA knockout bers (one past and one present) were also at the competition repre-
ing a great platform from which the from then on, they had the upper competition at 2pm Jesus Pitches on senting England. The standard of shooting was high and although no
backs could run their moves. hand in all areas of play. 25th Feb, followed by Varsity (away) medals were won this year, many recorded a personal best.
Despite many efforts by both Their second try was scored after a on the 7th March.
College Women’s Football
Homerton narrowly beat Christ’s to progress to the quarterfinals
of women’s cuppers, but only after being given a real scare by fourth
division Christ’s. Despite being two divisions below their opponents
Christ’s put up a spirited challenge, matching Homerton all the way.
Homerton took the lead midway through the first half but captain
Cat Darby took advantage of an out-of-position keeper to equalise
from 25 yards out. Extra time produced no more goals, and
Homerton prevailed 2-0 in the ensuing penalty shoot-out.
Falcons Football
The Falcons’ Varsity preparation continued with a 4-1 victory over
Lloyd’s. After conceding the customary early goal, Vollbracht’s men
Alexandra Stevens
fought back. Danny Griffiths bundled in an equaliser from a Stu
McInnes ‘flick-on’, and made it two with a deflected strike that was
heading for the corner flag. Steve Bailey had his scoring shinpads on
to add a third, before a breakaway effort by Toby Kirk rounded off an
excellent performance.
Football’s lawmakers caught offside
Rajan Lakhani discusses the tion. Moreover, the striker did not pre-
vent a Southampton defender playing
he put two attacking players clearly
beyond the last line of defence before
advice meant, the head of referees
said that while the Bolton players
nor did he get in the goalkeeper’s line the free kick was taken. Then, the two would be deemed offside for their
new offside interpretation of vision so he wasn’t interfering with
an opponent. He did not accrue an
attacking players rush back into an
onside position as the free-kick is
actions, van Nistelrooy’s goal would
have stood. This leads to the com-
As if it wasn’t previously difficult to position. This means that a player advantage by being in an offside posi- taken. The defenders are caught in two plaint that at least the Bolton players
get some consistency concerning can stand in an offside position as tion supposedly because he was not minds because if they move back fur- were making an effort to get into an
whether a player has moved into an long as he is not doing any of the playing a ball that rebounded off the ther to mark the offside player, this onside position while van Nistelrooy
offside position, the bureaucrats at three actions outlined above, for he woodwork or playing a ball that gives the opportunity for further remained in the same position.
FIFA, who seem to possess no is said to be in a passive state. rebounds off an opponent having been attacking players to move closer to the It is simply time to end the mad-
knowledge of how football works, All the controversy started when in an offside position. goal and if they elect not to mark him, ness. The new interpretation might
have decided to interfere yet again Ruud van Nistelrooy scored the win- It was not the first time a more the player might have moved into an make for more goals now but defend-
in the sport. They have caused no ner for Manchester United against than favourable decision has been onside position and have a free chance ers will soon defend deeper and deep-
end of trouble. Southampton. When the ball was given to the Red Devils at Old at goal or the officials might either er, meaning less risks will be taken,
For once, you have to really sym- crossed into the penalty area from a Trafford and Gordon Strachan, then arbitrarily decide to state we are now ultimately detracting from the enter-
pathise with the match officials. free kick, van Nistelrooy was clearly in manager of Southampton, was right- in a second phase of play and the tainment value of the game. Anyhow,
Every week they seem to receive an offside position but the officials ly angry. The argument Poll made for unmarked player may now be in an the changes should have been made at
some new directive on what action decided he was in a passive state, the United striker not obtaining an onside position. Given the speed of the beginning of the season where
should be taken. The offside law despite the fact that he was in the cen- advantage by being in an offside the matches, it is necessary to keep everyone would have been on a level
states that a player in an offside posi- tre of the six-yard box. The ball was position in the first phase is nothing football as simple as possible, but this playing field. The determination of
tion is only penalised if involved in then crossed back into the penalty area short of ridiculous. new interpretation confuses everyone. whether a player is active or passive
interfering with play, interfering after it had been partially cleared and Surely by being in the centre of the To counteract this, the FA lacks clarity and is completely arbi-
with an opponent or getting an van Nistelrooy was allowed to score. six-yard box when the ball is being attempted to clarify matters further trary. Footballers should simply be off-
advantage by being in that position. Graham Poll defended the decision by crossed in you are in an active position but ended up making the situation side or not. Whether they are active or
What has changed is that FIFA have arguing that when the goal was scored, and looking to play the ball? ‘Big’ Sam even worse by advising referees to call passive should be completely irrele-
told officials to be much more wary it was a second phase of play for the Allardyce exposed the FIFA interpre- players offside if they are “deceiving vant. It is time for FIFA to end this
of the distinction between whether a ball had been headed away and the tation to ruthless effect in the match or distracting an opponent”. When nonsense before the big prizes are
footballer is in an active or passive striker had returned to an onside posi- between Bolton and Leicester where asked to comment on what this new handed out at the end of the season.
For more articles go to Varsity Online at www.varsity.co.uk and visit the sports section. Contact us on sport@varsity.co.uk
SPORT 20.02.04 www.varsity.co.uk
PLAY-OFF PAYOFF FOR CHAMPIONS
Blues Football
Andy Sims
DE MONTFORT 1
BLUES 3
Axman Luge
With the eyes of most Cambridge
sportsfolk firmly fixed on immi-
nent Oxford clashes, the Blues
turned instead to the final stages of
their BUSA league campaign last
week. Wins over Northampton and
Leicester sent them to one of the
many outposts of De Montfort
University, needing just another
three points to clinch the title.
The Blues arrived at the Leicester
campus to find what Captain
Fairbairn called “exactly the reason
we want to get out of this division”, a
sloping, undulating pitch lacking
white lines and grass. Further fuel was
provided for the fire of Cambridge’s
aspirations by the referee and opposi-
tion, the latter turned up smoking
cigarettes, the former not at all. The
professional preparations of the Blues
outfit provided an embarrassing con-
trast to their DMU counterparts, who
seemed blissfully unaware of their
own relegation crisis.
Fairbairn’s desire “to win it in
style” was hampered by the playing
surface, a rutted council pitch, which
provided a poor replacement for the
grounds sold off by DMU, and a
stark reminder of good fortune, for
any Cambridge student who has
bemoaned the quality of a university
playing field. Blues keeper Joe Garood is forced into action as Alex Mugan looks on.
An unchanged Cambridge side
belatedly kicked off the match, but Racing onto a Tim Hall pass, Adams It is the clichéd mark of a good made no mistake, sending his team- a perfect season still remains.
failed to kick into the gear they had smashed a strike against the upright, team, that they win when playing mates and the watching Ninja This week the Blues return to tra-
used with such effect against rebounding the ball out to Fairbairn, poorly, and this year’s Blues are a Turtles into celebrations. ditional encounters ahead of the
Northampton. Simple passes went who volleyed the Blues into the lead good team. In an uneventful second At the whistle, the complications Upton Park Varsity match, and con-
astray, as the closeness of the prize in some style. period, the miserly Cambridge of BUSA promotion meant that fidence in the squad is at its zenith.
seemed to be proving too much for The Blues, despite a marked gulf defence, by far the best in the divi- despite sealing the championship, the The newly crowned champions have
the Blues to settle into their rhythm. in ability, were unable to add to their sion, staunchly withstood DMU’s Blues had still not secured the covet- welcomed the prodigal Harry
There were however, encouraging lead, and a minute before the break, occasional forays, whilst at the other ed Division One spot. There remains Hughes back into the fold, and Dan
signs of Cambridge class as Adams sloppy passing let in DMU. In end; the presence of the newly intro- a trip to Birmingham before that Waistell is soon to return from long-
and Fairbairn combined to torment answer to Cambridge calls for off- duced Cambridge substitutes began score is settled. However, the squad term injury. With the blistering form
the DMU back line. ‘Splinter’ side, the linesman helpfully com- to tell. Tom Cairnes spread the play still have much to enjoy, a place in of Adams at their disposal, the Blues
Adams has improved vastly this sea- mented, “Sorry, I wasn’t up with with authority, frequently finding the national knock-outs will be a are gaining the cutting edge they
son, from a man on the fringe to a play”. The ensuing melee in the area the exciting Jonny Hughes in space. welcome challenge, if a less welcome have lacked to match their defensive
destroyer of defences. It was his dev- led to a DMU penalty, and after the The Fitz man tormented his fullback congestion to fixtures, and with the resoluteness. As Fairbairn himself
astating pace which unlocked the ill-defined spot had been tracked and balls into the box twice found Dark Blue menace relegated from put it “the future’s bright, the future’s
DMU defence in the 20th minute. down, the ball was slotted home. the feet of Adams. The Johnian their BUSA league, the possibility of light Blue.”
Bourne again Blues continue superb form
Blues Hockey ing is. While the Blues were
expected to win this match against
Cambridge side was now clearly in
control of the game and it was no
won in double figures.
As it happened, the students only
against teams in the National League
with water based pitches and heated
one of the lower placed sides in the surprise when the lead was increased managed to convert two more changing rooms!
BOURNE 0 league, one thought it was going to further. The third and final goal of chances. Parker set up Patchett on The women’s Blues also scored five
be a difficult day as the rain pelted the first half was a superb team goal the top right of the circle and he goals, and in doing so extended their
BLUES 5 down, the changing rooms were with the Blues finally starting to converted with an expert finish winning run to four games in the
not great, and the team was with- show the quality of hockey they can highlighting just how well he is play- League, as they bounced back from
Mikey Williamson out the coach again who was on play which allow them to totally out- ing at the moment. Finally, Neil BUSA cup defeat. A brace from
international duties. class teams in this league. Some crisp Wilson floated a huge aerial ball into Rachel Sissons, and strikes from Vicki
It took Cambridge a while to get accurate transfer work around the the opposition’s circle. The keeper Eyre-Brook, Jennifer Lees and skipper
If the situation before the match going despite repeated requests from pitch from the defence and midfield mis-kicked the ball and Williamson Jenny Parkinson saw Cambridge beat
was not motivation enough to get the captain to dominate the game allowed Richard Little to pick out immediately picked it up. He pro- Gravesend 5-1 against the Blues’ tra-
in the National League then noth- from the start. Several chances went Williamson in the circle with a ceeded to pass it to Patchett in the ditional ‘bogey team’.
astray and it seemed as if it was going superb pass, leaving Williamson to circle who finished clinically to
to be one of those games. However, have to simply deflect the ball past secure a brace for the Blues and
Page 22 midway through the first half, Mikey
Williamson ran onto a nice deflected
the keeper.
The second half though was not
complete a 5-0 rout.
Not a great match, but the students
Offside
Naked pass by Aled Patchett, rounded the
keeper and found Jamie Parker to
great for the neutral as Cambridge
completely dominated the opposition.
won the three points and it keeps the
pressure on the rest of the league. They Madness
clinically finish in front of the goal. The Blues played some great attack- face another National League Premier
Lacrosse The next goal again involved
Parker, Williamson and Patchett
ing hockey on the fast break, but the
game deteriorated as the difference in
team on Thursday evening in London
in preparation for next season and the
Discussed
whose clever craft down the right set quality in the teams was highlighted. crucial local derby is this weekend
Girls up Steve Morley for another easy
finish into the open net. The
The Blues squandered many chances
and the match should have easily been
against Cambridge City
Wilberforce Road. Bring on playing
at Page 23
