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Depression the last taboo

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									Friday                                                                                                                                                                                          The Independent
February 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                                             Cambridge Student
Issue 596                                                                                                                                                                                       Newspaper since                                                                                                                                                                                          1947

                                              INTERVIEW                                               CUR1350                                                        FEATURES
                                             Sexy Boy                            Varsity Radio News Show                                                    Celebrity Dons
                                            Air chats to Varsity                                  Every Friday at 6pm
                                                  Page 8
                                                                                                                                                        Too big for their mortarboards?
                                                                                                                                                                     Page 6

Depression: the last taboo?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Andrew Simms
•Over 1 in 20
students sought
help from the
Service last year

•44% rise in
reported cases of

•Fifty students
known to be
“seriously” con-
sidering suicide

Bryan Coll                                   “seriously at risk of suicide”.           ly.” Another commented, “I found              dispute with her college. Childs              increase, CUSU recently put forward
                                                Mark Phippen, Director of the          counselling gave me a certain degree of       described the college’s approach to the       proposals to the university to employ
                                             UCS, believes the “pressure-cooker”       inner strength.”                              student’s condition as “clumsy and            a part-time caseworker to liaise with
Increasing numbers of Cambridge stu-         intensity      of    the     eight-week      However, despite alternatives such         complicated” but insists that much            students suffering from depression,
dents are suffering from serious             Cambridge term contributes signifi-       as Linkline (the student run listening        needed changes have now been imple-           anxiety, self-harm and other mental
depression. Incidents of self-harm and       cantly to the high level of depres-       service), some students feel under-           mented. The student concerned is now          health conditions. Cambridge is cur-
eating disorders are also on the             sion. He added that the UCS coun-         supported, especially by their colleges.      considering returning to Cambridge in         rently the only major university in
increase. Despite provisions currently       selled just under one thousand stu-       Varsity was recently contacted by a           October after de-grading in frustra-          the UK not to have such a casework-
in place, poor communication between         dents in 2002/03. This figure means       first-year theology student who suffers       tion at the college’s failure to facilitate   er. The university’s response has been
colleges and the university is prevent-      that one in seventeen of the 16,500       from clinical depression. In an email         her illness.                                  slow, with CUSU receiving little
ing these individuals from receiving         full-time students at Cambridge           written at a time of severe anxiety, she         Such casework is becoming an               positive feedback. Ray Jobling,
the support they need.                       sought advice from the UCS last           makes clear her frustration and anger         increasingly frequent aspect of the           Secretary of the Senior Tutor’s
   The University Counselling Service        year - a number almost twice as high      at the failure of her college to facilitate   work of CUSU sabbatical officers.             Committee, argued that existing
(UCS) has seen an 11% increase in the        as the national university average.       her depression. “My mental illness was        Jessica Childs told Varsity that the          services for mental health problems
number of students seeking help for             Many students have found solutions     ridiculed and misunderstood by mem-           numbers of severely depressed stu-            were sufficient and that employing a
depression. Although incidents of sui-       to their problems through the coun-       bers of staff. I was treated in a patron-     dents contacting the Welfare,                 part-time caseworker “may not be
cide in Cambridge have dropped               selling service. One user credited a      ising and ignorant way.” The student          Women’s and Academic Officers had             the best way forward”.
slightly in recent years, the counselling    counsellor with “making me realise        in question was supported and repre-          “increased significantly” in recent              Depression and self-harm were
service is currently supporting fifty        why I was thinking things, and in turn    sented by CUSU Academic Affairs               years and had become “a major part”           some of the key themes to emerge...
students whom they consider to be            giving me ways of thinking different-     Officer Jessica Childs throughout the         of their work. In response to this                              continued on page 4

                           The region’s best guide to what’s on – see next Thursday’s Cambridge Evening News
02 NEWS         Feb 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                                         

Battle of the Balls                                                                                                                             Cam Wealth Test?
                                                                                                                                                MP questions med degree allegations
Downing and Selwyn in snowball fight
Gabriella Jozwiak                           refusing to take the point, kept their     also commented that both events                          James Rice                                   improving access for poorer students.
                                            ground. An anonymous ‘Goat’ post-          could co-exist successfully, without                                                                  She will therefore be keen to prove that
                                            ed, “I guess the Selwyn Ball does          unnecessary hostility on the forums”.                                                                 the necessity of financial guarantees as a
As this year’s May Ball tickets go on       always sell out within a week, so I’m      Fitzwilliam also plans to hold a win-                    Anne Campbell has challenged the             condition of entry is a myth. Alison
sale, more competition than usual is        sure there will be ‘some’ people who       ter ball. One Downing student sug-                       allegations of Liberal Democrat high-        Richards, who in an interview with
brewing. Caius College sold out in          are keen for an alternative”. The          gested a happy alternative would be                      er education spokesman for Phil              Varsity two weeks ago stated that,
one day, disappointing many who             unfriendly reception from Selwyn           the Downing ‘Doughball’, with “a                         Willis, who claimed that a Cambridge         “excellence and access were my goals
were promised ‘La dolce vita’.              continues for two pages.                   wide variety of bread products”. The                     University medicine applicant was            from the start”, will also have an interest
Meanwhile, other die-hard students             It waits to be seen if Downing will     debate dwindles on the forum as                          asked to prove she had £50,000 avail-        in discrediting Mr Willis’s accusations.
prepare to endure the eight-hour            cause a problem for Selwyn’s popu-         Downing commentators remain con-                         able to complete her studies.                   CUSU Access Officer Suzy Butler
queue this Sunday for the legendary         larity. The Downing Snowball               fident in their ability and steal the                       In a meeting of the Standing              was dismissive of Mr Willis’s statement.
Trinity Ball tickets. The spring balls      Officer, Vicky Burgess, insists, “It       last line; “the ball’s in our (main)                     Committee on the Higher Education            Pointing out that at present the fees
are underway with Churchill pro-            will be a very different event.” She       court.”                                                  Bill on February 12th, Mr Willis             benefit the government rather than the
viding, as one student commented,                                                                                                               implied that he personally knew of a         university directly, she told Varsity that,

                                                                                                                                  Andrew Sims
“a visual feast”, last Friday, while                                                                                                            case where a home student had been           “there is absolutely no logical reason
Girton’s much talked-about secret                                                                                                               asked to demonstrate their ability to        why the University would push for that
line-up is anticipated at the end of                                                                                                            pay this sum as a condition of entry.        kind of information”. She added that
term. Other colleges, however, have                                                                                                             Campbell has called for the allegation to    she had not heard of any instances of
graver concerns. The race is cur-                                                                                                               be substantiated. Following Mr Willis’       admissions staff asking for evidence of
rently on between Downing and                                                                                                                   reluctance to give further details in the    financial guarantees.
Selwyn for the year’s best winter                                                                                                               committee meeting, she has written to           The HE Bill Committee has pro-
ball.                                                                                                                                           him asking that the name of the appli-       voked controversy from the outset.
   This term, Downing’s JCR voted to                                                                                                            cant and college applied to be provided,     Despite the fact that 72 Labour MPs
hold the College’s first ever snowball,                                                                                                         so that she can ask the university to con-   voted against the bill’s second reading,
but the decision has sparked an on-                                                                                                             duct an investigation into the matter.       only one of them – George Mudie – has
line debate between Downing and                                                                                                                    In the letter Campbell states: “It is     been given a seat on the committee.
Selwyn students. Having held suc-                                                                                                               not helpful for unsubstantiated allega-      Anne Campbell herself represents the
cessful annual snowballs, it appears                                                                                                            tions of this kind to be aired in public.    only Labour abstainer. Phil Willis ear-
Selwyn are less than happy about the                                                                                                            It helps contribute to the environment       lier spoke out against the proceedings,
potential competition. Tom Stoddart,                                                                                                            wherby studnets from low income back-        claiming that, “the government are
Ents and Production Officer at                                                                                                                  grounds are deterred from applying to        stuffing the committee with loyalists…I
Selwyn, began the dispute by leaving                                                                                                            Cambridge because they perceive it as        could not say that this is a balanced
a sarcastic comment on the Downing                                                                                                              an expensice university.” Later she adds:    committee”. Campbell has admitted
JCR debate forum, indicating his dis-                                                                                                           “Cambridge University has one of the         that her arguments in favour of imple-
pleasure that Downing might use the                                                                                                             best support systems for students from       menting a flat rate rather than variable
term ‘snowball’ as a title for the event.                                                                                                       low income backgrounds that exist any-       increase fee have “a small chance of get-
He suggests that Downing’s plans are                                                                                                            where…it is not the normal practice of       ting through because the committee is
unoriginal. Quick to respond,                                                                                                                   Cambridge University to demand cash          stacked with government supporters”.
Downing pointed out that similar                                                                                                                from home students”.                         Consequently many MPs feel that the
‘snowballs’ are held across the coun-                                                                                                              Clearly Campbell will be at pains to      key decisions on the bill will not be
try, and are not singular to Selwyn.                                                                                                            placate student concerns over fees after     made in the committee, but on the floor
One student listed web sites for the                                                                                                            her controversial abstention in the sec-     of the house at report stage or a third
University of Kent’s RAG Snowball,                                                                                                              ond reading of the Higher Education          reading.
the Bath Student Union Snowball,                                                                                                                Bill, narrowly won by the government.           Phil Willis declined to comment on
and the NSPCC Snowball among                                                                                                                    One of the reasons Campbell used to          his allegations.
others. He suggests there is “plenty of     Great balls of fire! Guests at Churchill’s Spring Ball last Friday were treated to                  justify her decision was that the reforms
snow to go around.” Selwyn, however,        Arabian delights as the college was transformed into a Morrocan souk.                               would abolish up-front fees, thus

Soldier under attack from CamSAW protest
Local anti-war group ambush Air Marshal at lecture

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Andrew Sims
                                            Royal Aeronautical Society and the         the action was effective in communi-
Josh Kretman                                University of Cambridge, claiming          cating an anti-war message. Nick
                                            the lecture demonstrates that their        Gill of CamSAW commented, “We
   Cambridge students and other             attitudes “are not directed towards the    didn’t manage to stop the lecture or
local anti-Iraq War activists demon-        cause of peace.” CamSAW feel their         even really significantly disrupt it.
strated their views last Thursday,          presence was unfairly regarded:            However I think we did convince
when Air Marshal G L Torpy of the           “Those who attempted to peacefully         some people that Air Marshal’s
Royal Air Force guest lectured at the       and non-disruptively distribute            Torpy’s version of events is not the
Cambridge         Department         of                                                only one. The fact that his discourse
Engineering on ‘The Air War in               “We didn’t manage to stop                 is that of the establishment should
Iraq’.                                                                                 not mean that it has the monopoly in
                                              the lecture or even really
   Air Marshal Torpy played a promi-                                                   public discussion.” One student
nent role in designing the logistics of        significantly disrupt it”               onlooker called the protest a ‘feeble
the recent bombing campaign in the                                                     excuse for a demonstration.’ He
Persian Gulf. His open lecture for the      leaflets inside were violently ejected.”   added that he believed the student
Cambridge Branch of the Royal                  Security was provided by local          population was losing interest in the
Aeronautical Society, addressed sci-        police and security staff at the talk,     Iraq war.
entific aspects of the bombing cam-         which went on as planned despite the          CamSAW was founded in 2001 in
paign launched by British forces in         CamSAW students’ demonstration.            response to the United States “war on
the Iraq War. He focused on techno-         Rob Walden, Program Secretary for          terror,” focusing specifically on the
logical advances and changes in the         the Cambridge Branch of the Royal          conflict in Afghanistan against the
use of air power since the 1991 Gulf        Aeronautical                    Society    Taliban. It has since expanded its
War.                                        commented,:“The Air Marshal spoke          mission to encompass raising aware-
   Cambridge Students Against the           for about fifty minutes with around        ness and speaking out about the Iraq
War (CamSAW ) organized the                 fifteen minutes of questions and           War.      Past protests include anti-
protest in advance and arrived outside      answers at the end.” He addressed a        Army recruitment on campus and a
the lecture hall with signs, candles,       crowd of 140 people, mainly profes-        Cambridge appearance by the Junior
and leaflets for distributing.              sionals in the aerospace industry and      Defense Minister, Adam Ingram. The
According to a press release issued by      interested members of the general          group also led students in major anti-
CamSAW, Air Marshal Torpy’s on-             public.                                    war marches through London last
campus lecture “glorifies the logisti-         Following the talk, CamSAW              year. Last March, CamSAW organ-
cal, technical and organizational           members followed the Air Marshal           ized the country’s largest sit-down
aspects of the Iraq offensive, rather       down Trumpington Street to his din-        protest against the war, with 400 peo-
than its devastating and morally            ner engagement at Peterhouse               ple blocking traffic at the intersection
unjustifiable cost.” It criticizes The      College. Members of CamSAW felt            of Lensfield and Hill Roads.
                                                                                                                       Feb 20, 2004   03
      Don’t look there
      ... psychologists might be watching you
      Gavin A.Versi                                          form that states: “There are no known expected
                                                             physical discomforts or risks involved in your par-
                                                             ticipation. However, some of the picture-slides you
      A psychology experiment involving pornograph-          will be shown can make some viewers feel briefly
      ic images and covert filming has raised concerns       uncomfortable.”
      about the ethics of some academic research at the         Morris is unsure whether the form gives ample
      University of Cambridge.                               warning. “From the outset you should be told
         The study, conducted by Nicole Kramer at the        about anything that might cause offence,” he said.
      Faculty of Social and Political Sciences, differs      “For some people it might be against their religion
      from the description students responding to an e-      to see [pornographic] images like that.” Kramer
      mail invitation are given. “We are running a study     refutes this charge: “I think the consent form gives
      on the emotional effects of photographs,” reads the    sufficient warning,” she insisted.
      message. “During the study you will simply be             As well as being a study into “the emotional
      asked to view some photographs and to fill in some     effects of photographs”, the experiment research-
      corresponding questionnaires (e.g. concerning your     es how people behave when they know they are
      emotional reactions). Your participation will be       being filmed, compared to how they behave
      rewarded with £5.”                                     when unaware of it. Some participants view the
         The experiment begins with participants filling     images alone, others in pairs; some are told
      out a highly personal twenty-five-question survey.     beforehand that they are being filmed, while oth-
      They are then shown a number of explicit photo-        ers are not. Those who view the images in pairs
      graphs depicting female masturbation, sexual           are told by Kramer that they are doing so
      intercourse and full frontal male nudity. Such         “because we are short on lab space at the
      images are interspersed between non-graphic pic-       moment.” This strategy was not received well by
      tures that include portraits and photographs of        Morris: “That there was someone sat beside me
      young children.                                        while I was looking at the images made me feel
         After viewing the photos Kramer interviews her      uncomfortable to a certain extent.”
      subjects on their thoughts as to the purpose of the       Herb Pearson, another student to partake in the
      study. The true nature of the experiment is then       study, has no objections to it. “I don’t honestly see
      revealed: cameras hidden in lever-arch files on a      any reason whatsoever to be offended by the
      bookshelf behind the computer screen have been         study,” he said. “People get filmed all the time in
      operational throughout.                                public. Just because the person filming is actually
         “Some of the images would seriously offend          taking an interest, should we be offended?”
      people,” said Owen Morris, a first-year from           “Perhaps some people would be embarrassed to be
      Magdalene who took part in the experiment. “I can      caught goggling at a naked man or ashamed to be
      see how some people would be miffed about              seen smirking at one of the violent scenes we were
      [covert cameras],” he added.                           shown, but I felt quite amused and happy to have
         When asked if she considered volunteers may         been involved in it.”
      feel a sense of violation about being filmed without      Though The Ethics Committee of the
      consent, Kramer answered affirmatively: “Yes - but     University of Cambridge has approved the experi-
      they have the opportunity to get it deleted.” “None    ment, the practices employed do not sit easily with
      of the 89 people to have taken part – 47 of them       all academics. “It’s a tricky one,” said a psychologist
      female – requested that the video footage be           at the Faculty of Social and Political Sciences, who
      destroyed”, says Kramer.                               did not wish to be named. “I’m glad the research is
         All participants are required to sign a consent     taking place, but I’m glad I’m not a part of it.”

      Girton almost famous
      Aisleigh Sawyer                                        finally reached after the Head Porter, Ciarian
                                                             O’Loughlin, interfered in the proceedings last
                                                             Friday. Student John Haigh rang in to Wogan
      Girton College featured on Terry Wogan’s Radio         after a 7:30am fire alarm stating “I suspect that
      Two show, Wake Up To Wogan, for three con-             they do the fire drills at this time of the morning
      secutive days last week.                               to generate more revenue for the breakfast can-
        After a student rang-in on Wednesday morn-           teen.” To which Wogan simply replied, “I
      ing to complain about an early-morning fire            thought Girton was a ladies college! What’s your
      drill, the trilogy continued with a conclusion         game, John?”
                                                                To correct this grievous error, Thursday morn-
                                                             ing heard yet another ring-in from Girton. “The

                                                                 “Oh no, bad publicity for Girton!”

                                                             only women’s colleges are Newnham and New
                                                             Hall, and rumour has it that more lads come out
                                                             during fire alarms than women anyway.” “The
                                                             Head Porter at Girton was not impressed at the
                                                             mention yesterday and an e-mail has been sent to
                                                             all members of the college saying not to publicise
                                                             the college in such a way.” Wogan seemed
                                                             unsympathetic, however, as he laughed “Oh no,
                                                             bad publicity for Girton!”
                                                                In conclusion to the saga, the Head Porter
                                                             fought back on Friday’s show. “We’re having a bit
                                                             of stick here from Girton College, Cambridge,”
                                                             commented Wogan. Ciarian O’Loughlin, “Head
                                                             Porter of this fine seat of learning, Girton”, said
                                                             that “the one thing I’ve learnt about students is
                                                             never leave my unlit pipe anywhere near
                                                             them…the last time I did this some idiot
                                                             changed my Gaelic mixture for tea leaves.” “I
                                                             eagerly lit my pipe and half my eye-brows. Earl
                                                             Grey will never pass my lips again. So, the fire

                                                             drill will continue and the earlier the better.
      Terry loves Girton this much!                          That’ll teach ‘em!” Unlucky.
04 NEWS           Feb 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                                          

Year out in Iraq                                                                            Controversial return
Gabriella Jozwiak                               she had researched the matter very thor-
                                                oughly.” He also comments, “it’s doing
                                                                                            Fomer fellow back to work after ‘Punternet’ scandal
                                                wonders for her Arabic.”
University students are being offered              The MoD did not approach                 Laura-Jane Foley                         Following his suspension Smith
£200 a day to take a study break and            Cambridge students. Dr. Rachael                                                      took a pre-planned one term sabbat-
work as interpreters with troops in             Harris, Senior Language Teaching                                                     ical leave.
Iraq. So far, five have already been            Officer in Arabic, found the scheme         The controversial former fellow of          His imminent return has sparked
trained and are in Iraq, while eleven           “appalling”. She points out that,           Jesus College, Dr. Peter Smith, will     concerns from female students who
more are preparing to go. Cambridge             although Arabic is not exactly under        be returning to the Faculty of           feel uneasy at the prospect of having
students, however, were                  not    funded in Britain, the government           Philosophy in April following a two      one-to-one supervisions with the ex-
approached.                                                                                 term absence.                            fellow. CUSU officers are being
   The scale of British involvement in              “There’s a degree of risk                  Smith resigned his Jesus post over    careful not to comment on the “per-
Iraq means locally recruited interpreters                                                   the summer following allegations         sonal life” of Dr. Smith. They are
                                                  involved in working in Iraq”
are not enough. In October last year the                                                    published in the Mail on Sunday,         concerned that student’s worries and
Ministry of Defence started a recruit-                                                      that the 59 year old had                                statements refer only
ment campaign in British Universities.          would have been better prepared if the      enjoyed the free services His imminent return to his reported “misog-
Candidates began their training in              study of languages were encouraged. As      of prostitutes in return
                                                                                                                         has sparked concerns ynistic” attitudes. The
December, which included preparation            a specialist in the pragmatics of Arabic    for giving them positive                                CUSU           Women’s
in military jargon, Iraqi dialects and          conversation, she was concerned that        internet reviews. These           amongst some          Officer, Jo Read, stat-
behaviour. They are expected to help in         “third and fourth year undergraduates       reviews or “field reports”       female students        ed that it was impera-
the translation of secret documents             are not best qualified to handle the sen-   as they are referred to on                              tive for students to
found by coalition forces, and dealing          sitive linguistic nuances of politeness.”   the Punternet website, were intend-      have confidence in “Dr. Smith’s
with the public.                                The undergraduates receive instruction      ed to “inform guys about whether         respect for his students and his
   Laura Cully, a 21-year-old student           from Iraqis employed by The Army’s          they’d like to visit a particular lady”. teaching ability”. The University has
from Exeter University is among the             Defence School of Languages in              The website claims that “the ladies      also refused to comment on Smith’s

                                                                                                                                                                                Varsity Archive
first recruits. Pulling out of the final year   Buckinghamshire,           which,      as   who have favourable reports posted       Punternet exploits or to attempt to
of her Arabic degree to work in Iraq for        Commanding Officer Lieutenant-              should see an increase in business as    explain his suspension in accordance
up to six months, she now lives in one of       Colonel Anthony Rabbitt explains, “is       time goes on”. The escort agency         with the University statutes.
Sadam’s old palaces. Rising at 0600 for a       to make sure they know the difference       charges up to £600 an hour for the          The Master of Jesus College,
full Army breakfast, she wears a blue           between a tank and a fish tank.”            services of its employees and the        Professor Robert Mair, commented
jacket and helmet to distinguish her            According to Dr. Harris, however, it is     average visit costs £122, a fee that     at the time, “as far as Jesus College is
from troops. Nevertheless, security is          not the technical terms that are a prob-    was waived for Dr. Smith.                concerned, this regrettable matter is                        more lightly. One second year stu-
tight. The MoD commented, “There’s a            lem. Even after a year abroad, she             Following the revelation of these     now closed”. Unfortunately, the                              dent commented, “we’ll be having a
degree of risk involved in working in           thinks students are “not yet ready to be    allegations, Dr. Smith was suspend-      credibility of the Philosophy faculty                        ball with all the feel-osophy and res-
Iraq,” a fact proved by Laura never being       reading sensitive documents.” She           ed from his teaching position in the     has been seriously compromised.                              erection jokes next term!” Varsity
unaccompanied by soldiers. Her parents          would not encourage the current 40          Philosophy faculty for the period        While some students see the situa-                           was unable to reach Dr. Smith for
say they were “shocked” by her decision,        undergraduates of the Oriental faculty      between September and December.          tion as a serious issue, others take it                      comment.
but Mr Cully adds, “I was quite happy           to take up this kind of offer.

Burning out?
Failure of communication blamed
front page continued                            capita to the service. However, aware-
                                                ness of the numerous services provid-
...from a conference on mental health           ed by the Counselling Service varies
in Cambridge that took place last               greatly from college to college. Those
Wednesday. Held in St. John’s                   that provide in-house counsellors for
College, the conference was a joint             their students tend to maintain strong
venture       between       Cambridge           links with the university counselling
University and APU. The keynote                 service. However, only four colleges
speaker, Dr. Mike Hobbs of The Royal            currently offer such a facility.
College of Psychiatrists, stated that              Although stating that the UCS
effective communication between col-            enjoyed "the full support" of most col-
lege authorities, university counsellors        leges, Mr. Phippen was keen to point
and the NHS was essential in dealing            out that certain prejudices still marred
with the increasing levels of students          many opinions of mental illness in
reporting mental health problems. The           Cambridge. "Many people assume
issue of self-harm was touched on by            that all Cambridge students are con-
many speakers, particularly the rising          tent because they are intelligent and
levels of alcohol abuse among                   well-off." He dismissed such a view as
Cambridge students. Lizz Waller, a              "nonsense". He told Varsity: "Some
panellist at the conference, told Varsity       students simply can’t adjust to being a
the issue is one often ignored by stu-          small fish in a very big pond."
dents and colleges. "Alcohol abuse is a            A survey conducted by the UCS
serious form of self-harm and is                would appear to support this. "Self-
becoming increasingly prevalent in the          esteem and self-confidence issues"
university", she commented. In a bid            were chosen by 48% of UCS users as
to provide an alternative to the normal         their main reasons for going to coun-
Freshers’ Week, CUSU will be encour-            selling. The most recent report from
aging colleges to offer more alcohol-           the UCS also challenges the opinion
free events next year.                          that Cambridge students are somehow
   The provision of necessary facilities        immune to mental health problems.
for dealing with mental health prob-            The report’s conclusion reads: "We
lems falls under the remit of both the          need to question why we apparently
colleges and the university. The                underestimate the degree of distress,
responsibility for academic support             fear or despair which some students
would appear to be that of university           experience. Students are expressing
faculties whereas pastoral care is              more self-harm and suicidal thought
administered at college level under the         than we are recording and feel more at
tutorial system. "This network could            risk than we judge them to be." This
be substantially improved", comment-            echoes the sentiments of one student
ed Mark Phippen. "There needs to be             who recently contacted Varsity: "More
closer co-operation between the uni-            and more people from all walks of life
versity and its in-house services", he          suffer from depression. This subject
added. The UCS currently costs                  should no longer be taboo".
£390,000 to run each year. The vast
majority of funding comes from the                Linkline:   01223 744444
colleges who contribute £13.50 per                Samaritans: 08457 909090
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Feb 20, 2004      05
Strike one: exams under threat
Lecturers’ strike looms after union warns they are not prepared to be “walked all over”.
Gabriella Jozwiak                             same time period; a classroom teacher
                                              would earn £26,000. He also explained
                                              how senior academics’ pay increases
Cambridge lecturers are set to join a         faster than lecturers’, “and that’s not
national strike next week, after voting       right.” He says that the AUT, which is
for industrial action. If successful, staff   the biggest union of higher education
could be saved from new pay structures        teachers in the country, was united with
that would leave them thousands of            other academic unions over the propos-
pounds worse off. The protest, howev-         als. This is the first time such a unifica-
er, may leave students without teaching       tion has occurred, and the contract of
and could mean exams are cancelled.           purpose only shows how “very angry”
Some students may be unable to grad-          staff are. Falling wages could see a con-
uate this year.                               tinuance of the ‘brain drain’ effect: “up to
   The vote made by the AUT                   two thousand more academics could
(Association of University Teachers)          leave each year.”
saw 66.5% backing strike action, while           The strike action has been heavily
81.2% backed action short of a strike.        criticized. The UCEA have condemned
The decision to hold the ballot was           the decision as “unconstructive”.
made when the higher education                Professor Andrew Cliff, Cambridge
                                                                                             Andrew Gillespie

employers’ body, UCEA, dramatically           Pro-Vice-Chancellor, commented, “the
called off talks after having failed to       welfare of our students is of paramount
negotiate seriously over the AUT’s con-       importance to us and a strike can only
cerns about the pay and conditions            cause disruption and distraction.” For
offer, made in July 2003. The new pay         those Cambridge lecturers who join the
deal could see academic, related and          strike, pay will be withheld for each day
research staff facing loses of £47,000        in which they participate.
over 21 years. This threat, the AUT              How much effect the strikes will have                          Could empty benches like these be a common sight in May?
claim, left members with “no option,”         remains to be seen. Only 54.4% of the
but to strike        this Tueday and          AUT’s 47,000 members took part in the                             AUT were poor, “they don’t really con-      with undergraduates who have this          and, if any, only among the smaller fac-
Wednesday and 25th February.                  ballot, thus barely more than a third of                          sult us on anything.” He feels that the     right. Savage sees AUT’s members as        ulties. In March, the AUT plan contin-
   Nick Savage, Branch Secretary of the       the union members explicitly supported                            AUT, a “nice union”, had not made a         being “wholly shut out,” from the          ued action in the form of an assessment
Cambridge AUT (CAUT) told Varsity             a strike. The figures in Cambridge are                            stand early enough and had let the          University and agreed that to strike was   boycott: no exam paper setting or mark-
that Cambridge would follow the               less clear. Savage refused to comment on                          University “walk all over us”. Post         the only option. The University refused    ing. Whether Cambridge lecturers sup-
national example. He highlighted how          the number of members in CAUT,                                    Doctorate research fellows, are unable to   to comment.                                port at this stage remains a further
bad the situation had got for research        whilst admitting this was a “relevant”                            speak before Regency House, the                Savage warns, “There is a possibility   worry for students. Savage highlights
graduates: having worked for six years,       fact in the argument. He explained that                           University parliamentary body, without      that exams in Cambridge would be can-      that, for the university as a whole, “this
he earns a yearly £24,000, while after the    relations between the University and                              asking permission. This is in contrast      celled,” yet disruption should be minor    is not an easy situation.”

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                      06 FEATURES     Feb 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                                 

                              lthough there hasn’t been an inde-       boot. One of a growing number of popular
                              pendent inquiry yet, it is probably      historians, Starkey et al are credited for
                              only a matter of time. It is clear       bringing history back from the past and
                      that academia has been well and truly            into the living room.
                      “sexed up”. No longer the preserve of the           In some senses celebrity acadaemia is as
                      intelligentsia, it has been taken to the         fickle as its Heat and Hello counterpart.
                      people in a palatable 45 minute-esque            Although luck will not keep you at the top,
                      form. It’s been an insidious affair, led by a    the celeb academic still needs a big break.
                      small breed of media junkies, the universi-      Starkey explained:
                      ty counterparts of Alastair Campbell: the           “I got into TV through a former student
                      celebrity academic.                              who went to be a programme researcher. His
                         The celebrity academic is a Jekyll and        producer needed a historian, and said to him:
                      Hyde character. He or she is part writer of      ‘you did history at Cambridge, you must
                      best-selling books, TV presenter, Newsnight      know someone’ and he replied, ‘well I sup-
                      guest, newspaper columnist and adviser of        pose David Starkey was the least boring.’
                      government committees, but part just a reg-         “There are many very good people who
                      ular Joe Oxbridge academic, a lab rat or         just never get the opportunity to present a
                      history lecturer.                                programme. ”
                         The archetypal celebrity academic is             But it is a far cry from the spats and back
                      Stephen Hawking. He became a household           stabbing of pop singers, film stars and the
                      name after the publication of A Brief            like. Starkey denies even a friendly compe-
                      History of Time in 1988, which has sold over     tition with his other pop history presenters,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       English Heritage
                      nine million copies in over thirty languages.    Simon Schama and Niall Ferguson, calling
                      Hawking’s supposed ability to communi-           such speculaition “childish gossip”.
                      cate physics to the masses catapulted him           But he accepts that his success has some-
                      into the spotlight - but how many have           times caused problems amongst his peers:
                      actually got past page 10?                          “In my early days there was probably a
                         Hawking has had a cameo role on Star          degree of contempt. But I have had very
                      Trek and was made into a plastic collectable     little criticism to my face – I think I have a       Dr David Starkey, made famous for his history programmes, such as The Six Wives of Henry VIII
                      after appearing on The Simpsons. Despite         reputation for being able to defend myself.”
                      this he has retained his academic integrity –       In the science world, Richard Dawkins,                                Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. Although                  The celebrity academics of tomorrow are
                      he holds 12 honorary degrees and was             Colin Blakemore and Susan Greenfield are                                 publishing “Bioactivity of a peptide derived        waiting in the wings. Simon Baron-Cohen,
                      elected a Fellow of the Royal Society, the       all household names. Dawkins, who shot to            Has anyone got      from acetylcholinesterase in hippocampal            Director of the Autism Research Centre in
                      body of the country’s top scientists, in 1974.   fame with The Selfish Gene, has made popu-           past page 10 of     organotypic cultures” among 6 scientific            Cambridge, received widespread acclaim
                         But celebrity is not confined to science.     larisation and communication of science an           a Brief History     papers last year, she is better known for her       for this book The Essential Difference: The
                      David Starkey is a bye-Fellow at                 art form, holding the Charles Simonyi                                    books, such as the more catchily titled “The        truth about the male and female brain. But
                                                                                                                               of Time?
                      Fitzwilliam, but in his spare time presents      Professor of the Public Understanding of                                 Human Brain; A Guided Tour”.                        Baron-Cohen has competition closer to
                      the odd award-winning TV series, such as         Science chair at Oxford.                                                    Greenfield was made a life peer in 2001.         home. He may end up competing for view-
                      The Six Wives of Henry VIII. He has written         Susan Greenfield, Fullerian Professor of                              No doubt a talented communicator, her               ing figures with his nephew, the better
                      the occasional non-fiction bestseller to         Physiology at Oxford, works on                                           success outside research (along with her            known Sacha – aka Ali G. Respect to the
                                                                                                                                                short skirts and wish for a “bum like Kylie”)       academics.
                                                                                                                                                has made her unpopular with some.

                      Tom Cahill & Abby O’Reilly                                                                                                   Rumours that she might be elected to a
                                                                                                                                                fellowship of the Royal Society (FRS)
                                                                                                                                                caused a furore amongst the more conserva-
                                                                                                                                                tive members two weeks ago, with members
                                                                                                                                                                                                      Starkey on Starkey
                                                                                                                                                                                                        I have always enjoyed presenting and

                      on the celebrity academic                                                                                                 threatening to resign if she was successful.
                                                                                                                                                   One fellow commented that to give
                                                                                                                                                Greenfield an FRS would be “an insult to
                                                                                                                                                the world-class scientists” and a “reward for
                                                                                                                                                                                                     performing, and spent most of my student
                                                                                                                                                                                                     days acting. Presenting is just about using
                                                                                                                                                                                                     the techniques of lecturing and supervising
                                                                                                                                                                                                     on a much larger scale. It’s just giving a lec-
                                                                                                                                                self promotion”. Greenfield acknowledges:            ture to a few million rather than 2 or 3 on
                                                                                                                                                “Academics talk about dumbing down – if I            the Sidgewick site.

                               Leaving the lab for                                                                                              saw me, I’d say ‘she’s sold out’; but I haven’t”.
                                                                                                                                                   Starkey said that populist work should not
                                                                                                                                                become more important than basic research.
                                                                                                                                                   “As far as I see it the row was... as to
                                                                                                                                                                                                        I don’t regard my popular work as being
                                                                                                                                                                                                     separate from my academic work. All my
                                                                                                                                                                                                     books are based on solid academic research.
                                                                                                                                                                                                     It is an artificial distinction between aca-

                                  the limelight                                                                                                 whether she is any good as a scientist. I
                                                                                                                                                think it is perfectly legitimate to ask that-
                                                                                                                                                sort of thing. I very much want people to
                                                                                                                                                debate the quality of my work.”
                                                                                                                                                                                                     demic and popular history – the real differ-
                                                                                                                                                                                                     ence is between readable and non-readable
                                                                                                                                                                                                     history. I still try to keep my hand in with
                                                                                                                                                                                                     a bit of supervising – my problem is time.”

                      Why President Bush is the man for me
                                 hen I first arrived in Cambridge I    ing oneself to death, over three years one                               schooling by introducing reading and math           him and his country. Bush the man is a clever
                                 was like most undergraduates          feels the winds of time. My knees crack and                              tests. It also demonstrates a willingness to        and compassionate individual. He got a good
                                 young, beautiful and liberal. I       my nose bleeds spontaneously and worse of                                spend more: Bush has increased federal              degree (or at least a better one than Al Gore).
                      used to drink free trade coffee and talk         all I’ve begun to think that maybe George                                funding for education by 60% since 2000.            He fought for many years with an addiction
                      earnestly to people from Ulster. Now when I      Bush Jnr. has a point.                                                   Indeed by increasing defence spending and           to alcohol before a genuine conversion to
                      look in the mirror what stares back is not the      I’m tired of being told just how wrong we                             cutting taxes he has engineered a boom that         Christianity. He also has two lovely dogs
                      face of a John Kerry supporter with chirpy       were about the war. I’m tired of jokes about                             created 112,000 jobs in January alone.              called Spot and Barney.
                      all American teeth but the tired, cigarette      Bush being a dyslexic chimpanzee and most                                Keynes would wriggle in his grave with joy.            The English tendency to attack his com-
                      stained face of a Republican.                    of all I’m sick to near death with the assump-                              All these acts have been opposed by the          munication faults is born out of snobbery and
                         As all of Cambridge social and most aca-      tion that to like Bush is to be pretty much in                           Democrats, often because, as in the case of         a misunderstanding of American culture.
                      demic activities involve at some level drink-    favour of the whole Holocaust thing. I’m vot-                            extending health insurance, they are incre-         American intelligence is quiet and profound,
                                                                       ing Bush and I’m proud.                              Gorge Bush is       mental rather than being big and exciting           not the pretentious and verbose European tra-
                                                                          Firstly being president isn’t really that big a    a clever and       and using words like national and health            dition that would have been out of place with
                                                                       deal. Sure you get to fly around in helicopters      compassionate       and service.                                        the greatest challenge to the US and its
                                                                       a lot and bomb stuff, but on the domestic              individual           Secondly there’s foreign policy. Again Bush      Presidency, September 11th.
                                                                       front since 1968 there has been effective leg-                           is surprisingly liberal. He is spending $15 bil-       Not only did he not shirk his responsibili-
                                                                       islative deadlock in America with the result                             lion on tackling Aids in Africa and has indi-       ties, but with humility and passion he rose to
                                                                       that when it comes to things like health,                                cated a unique level of bipartisanship in the       the hour. Few men could have communicated
                                                                       wealth        and       juvenile       detention                         Israel-Palestine dispute.                           America’s frustration and need for re-evalua-
                                                                       centres/American public schools, there’s next                               Most importantly, the war on terror has          tion as he did. His statement that, ‘in our grief
                                                                       to nothing a president can do.                                           actually worked, not only to remove nasty           and anger we have found our mission and our
                                                                          Despite his ‘best-pal’ status with Jesus not                          regimes in Iraq and Afghanistan, but also in        moment’ comes from a man who understands
                                                                       a single prayer has been forced in schools and                           bringing nations like Sudan and Somalia back        his nation. Popular democracy, for it to have
US State Department

                                                                       not a single welfare programme has been                                  in to the land of the sane and negotiating.         legitimacy, is about recognising and respond-
                                                                       abolished. Moreover, because of this dead-                               Sudan, precisely because of the new pressure        ing to the Zeitgeist and Bush is the only man
                                                                       lock, what he has done has been fashioned by                             from the US, is entering real peace talks for       in America who can do that now.
                                                                       consensus politics and is actually rather                                the first time in a decade.
                                                                       good. The No Child Left Behind Act is a                                     But most of all I’m voting in absentia for                                     Edmund Fogarty
                                                                       lynchpin in a domestic agenda that has                                   President Bush because the opposition in this
                                                                       proved remarkably liberal. It has centralised                            country towards him misunderstands both                      See for more
                                                                                                                                                                             NEWS REVIEW
                                                                                                                                                                                                   Feb 20, 2004        07
All’s not Quiet on the Iraq Front
Death tolls continue to rise and hopes for an easy peace falter
The war in Iraq may be officially over, but the         primary school in a Shia Muslim area of the cap-            the impossibility of identifying the people respon-
past week has seen a dramatic escalation of             ital, killing at least one child. On Tuesday anoth-         sible for causing such carnage. It is easy to use
bloodshed and terror in the deeply divided              er explosion claimed the life of an American sol-           blanket terms such as ‘extremist’ or ‘supporters of
nation. A series of bombings has claimed hun-           dier 400km north of Baghdad.                                the old regime’ but this is of little use when trying
dreds of lives, with both American-led troops
and Iraqi civilians being added to the ever-
                                                           The fledgling Iraqi police force has also been
                                                        targeted heavily – around 500 American troops
                                                                                                                    to use intelligence to pre-empt and prevent future
                                                                                                                    atrocities. Although it is far too simplistic to draw
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 of the
growing death toll.
   The last attack took place early Wednesday
                                                        have been killed but over 300 Iraqi policemen               strong parallels between Iraq and Vietnam, the
                                                                                                                    signs are starting to look ominously familiar:
morning, when a vehicle broke through the secu-                                                                     groups of unidentified attackers, who are indistin-
rity fence of a Polish base 100km south of
                                                        unidentified fighters embarked                              guishable from the rest of the population, spread                  Jake ‘The Snake’
Baghdad. Although guards shot the driver and                on a bloody rampage                                     over an enormous area. And just as the Vietcong
stopped the lorry within seconds, they were pow-                                                                    were willing to risk their lives, the prevalence of                The former wrestling hero had
erless to prevent a second truck from ramming           have fallen victim to various extremist factions            suicide bombings in Iraq indicates that the fight-                 given up his lycra but still had his
into the first vehicle and detonating its 700kg         (although some of these deaths were caused by               ers there are similarly happy to face certain death                snake. Now the python is dead,
cargo of explosives. Observers remarked on the          the Americans themselves in various incidences of           to achieve their aims.                                             and he’s been arrested. How the
sophistication and skilled execution of the suicide     over-eager behaviour). Last Saturday the town of               The occupying forces are under immense pres-                    mighty are fallen.
bombing, described by a Polish general as “well-        Falluja in western Iraq descended into chaos as a           sure to respond to this ever-present danger with-
co-ordinated”. As is so often the case, the 11          group of unidentified fighters embarked on a                out further alienating the Iraqi public, but they
killed by the blast were all Iraqis, although over 30
coalition soldiers were also injured.
   Last Monday two American troops died in two
                                                        bloody rampage, claiming dozens of lives. The
                                                        attackers fought their way into a police station
                                                        and civil defence compound, killing 25 people and
                                                                                                                    are walking a thin, high tightrope. People have
                                                                                                                    spoken about the necessary battle to win ‘hearts
                                                                                                                    and minds’, but this now seems horribly prema-
                                                                                                                                                                             Jake ‘No Snake’
separate bomb attacks 55km north of Baghdad,            freeing around 20 prisoners.                                ture – the battle for roads and buildings is still in    Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts, a muscle-bound
while explosives were also used in a bombing in a          A major problem for military commanders is               full swing.                                       OR     wrestler renowned in the 80s for gratuitous use
                                                                                                                                                                             of his python in the ring, was arrested this week
                                                                                                                                                                             for starving his snake Damien to death.

The devil                                                                                                                                                                       The RSPCA received a tip-off that the fifty year
                                                                                                                                                                             old ex-celebrity was not feeding the twelve-foot
                                                                                                                                                                             long ex-python properly, and seized the snake from
                                                                                                                                                                             his home in London Colney, Hertfordshire. This

is Italian                                                                                                                                                                   valiant intervention, sadly, came too late, and
                                                                                                                                                                             Damien passed away within days.
                                                                                                                                                                                The artist formerly known as Jake ‘The
   A series of bizarre and unexplained fires in                                                                                                                              Snake’ has been charged with causing unneces-
Sicily have led to professional exorcists being                                                                                                                              sary suffering, for which the maximum punish-
called in to the village of Canneto di Caronia,                                                                                                                              ment is six months in prison. He denies respon-
from which police have evacuated thirty-nine                                                                                                                                 sibility, and observers have speculated that his
inhabitants. Expert scientists have confessed                                                                                                                                defence may be to argue that only someone very
themselves baffled by the spontaneous combus-                                                                                                                                stupid would kill the only thing that ever made
tion of objects as diverse as dishwashers, refriger-                                                                                                                         him famous.
ators, electricity cables, a water pipe and a chair.                                                                                                                            Jake’s mental health may have already been a
Theories that the fires were due to an electricity                                                                                                                           cause for concern for ardent wrestling fans
fault were refuted when Italian utility provider,                                                                                                                            (although Varsity couldn’t find any, so we’re not
Enel, cut the supply of electricity to the town after                                                                                                                        sure about this); in a groundbreaking interview
initial reports, only for the fires to continue.                                                                                                                             last December he said that he was “miserable”.
   One local policeman confessed to seeing                                                                                                                                      The eyes of the world will be fixed on this sad
“unplugged electrical cables burst into flames with                                                                                                                          tale of one man in lycra and his snake.         OR
my own eyes”, and the town’s Mayor, Pedro

                                                                                                                                                                             Let’s go
Spinnato, has admitted “I have no idea what is
going on”.

   demons occupy a house and
    appear in electrical goods
                                                                                                                                                                             die a kite
                                                          Alexia Pinchbeck

   In an interview with the Italian paper Il
Messagero, Father Gabriele Amorth, an exorcist
for the Catholic church, claimed, “I’ve seen things                                                                                                                          Up to nine people have been killed and dozens
like this before... Demons occupy a house and                                                                                                                                injured during an annual kite-flying festival in the
appear in electrical goods...Let’s not forget that                                                                                                                           Pakistani city of Lahore.
Satan and his followers have immense powers.”                                                                                                                                   Each year the festival, called Basant, causess
   The incidents recall similarly sinister fires that                                                                                                                        tragedy as frenzied kiteophiles gather to display their
broke out in Italy in 1982, and led to the arrest                                               Who d’ya call? Father Gabriele Amorth.                                       seemingly innocent aerial craftsmanship. Over-zeal-
and imprisonment of Scottish nanny Carole                                                                                                                                    ous pilots seem to have lost the true spirit of kite fly-
Compton. Compton was accused of witchcraft                                                                                                                                   ing, lacing their kite strings in corrosive chemicals,
after a number of fires broke out in the houses of                                                                                                                           impregnating them with pieces of pulverised glass or
After sixteen months in jail Ms. Compton was                                                                                                                                 even substituting them for metal wire, in vicious
released and her horrifying experience lies behind
her; she has now managed to rebuild her life back
in Britain. However, the mysterious fires that
revived superstitious paranoia in Italy nearly
twenty years ago have apparently returned. EB
                                                        Fortress Britain
                                                        Immigration issues spark controversy
                                                                                                                                                                             attempts to “take down” opponents’ kites.
                                                                                                                                                                                Authorities have warned the public of the dangers
                                                                                                                                                                             of this reckless pursuit, but they seem to literally be
                                                                                                                                                                             throwing caution to the wind. Three people were
                                                                                                                                                                             electrocuted when banned metal wires they were
                                                                                                                                                                             using to fly kites - or catch stray ones - fell onto elec-
                                                        Tory leader Michael Howard               ordinator Denis Fernando main-           Tabloid claims about the           tric power lines. A young girl’s throat was slit by a
                                                        yesterday           controversially      tained that the policies were "pan-   migratory ambitions of the 75         stray metal kite string stretched across a road. At
                                                        unveiled the new Tory policy on
  Winners                                               immigration in Burnley, a BNP
                                                                                                 dering to [the BNP’s] anti-asy-
                                                                                                 lum agenda…[and] will only
                                                                                                                                       million new Europeans have
                                                                                                                                       thrown up such journalistic gems
                                                                                                                                                                             least two more people fell from roofs during the
                                                                                                                                                                             spring festival. Despite a ban on firing guns, several
                                                        stronghold.                              legitimise their extremist views in   as a Sun interview with a "grate-     people were injured by stray bullets.
    of the                                                 Burnley is an incendiary              elections."                           ful" Slovakian who is quoted as          Officials at a Lahore hospital said 42 children and
                                                        choice: seven BNP members sit               The Right is not the only wing     saying: "We are all desperate to go   60 adults had been treated for kite-related injuries.
    week                                                on the council, and the far-right
                                                        wingers even briefly became the
                                                                                                 of politics to come under fire for
                                                                                                 its attitude to immigration. The
                                                                                                                                       to Britain. I will get the bus to
                                                                                                                                       London in May, definitely".
                                                                                                                                                                             Despite the tragic deaths and injuries, the event is
                                                                                                                                                                             getting bigger and bigger, with tens of thousands of
                                                        official opposition last year. And       Government has faced internal            MPs have done their best to        people flocking from all around the country and
 Exorcists in general                                   memories of race riots just 3 years      wrangling over how far Britain’s      allay public fears, insisting the     beyond.                                       PB & EG
                                                        ago are still fresh in locals’ minds.    welcome should be extended to         numbers of probable immigrants
         With chairs and unplugged                         Despite Howard’s attempts at          migrants from the 10 new eastern      are exaggerated. They have also                    Contributors:
      cables bursting into flames for                   presenting himself as a sympa-           European members of the EU.           pointed to recent Home Office           Pete Baynton            Esther Bintliff
        no appparent reason, these                      thetic figure, endlessly referring to    Sweden, France and Germany            studies which demonstrate that          Ed Gilbert             Ollie Rickman
        doyennes of the paranormal                      himself as the child of Romanian         have adopted a hard line, and only    since migrants fill crucial skills            Cynthia Shanmugalingam
               are Italy’s new Gucci.                   immigrants,        the      National     Britain and Ireland will allow        shortages they are actually good
                                                        Assembly Against Racism co-              entrants to work from May 1st.        for the economy, stupid.        CS
08 INTERVIEWS Feb 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                             talk about sex a lot more when you’re not         Air’s music is often described as cine-
                                                                                                                             having it and I guess we weren’t having        matic so it is no surprise that their origi-
                                                                                                                             enough of it at the time as we would have      nal soundtrack for Sofia Coppola’s The
                                                                                                                             liked. I’m very interested in both the         Virgin Suicides was met with such high
                                                                                                                             romantic and darker, more melancholic          praise. Recent single, Cherry Blossom Girl,
                                                                                                                             sides of love such as the sorts you get in     also features in Coppola’s Lost In
                                                                                                                             Baudelaire’s Fleurs du Mal.” When I ask        Translation. Says Dunckel on the subject,

                                                                                                                             him how his high, pristinely asexual           “Usually films only like to use songs we
                                                                                                                             singing voice quite fits into this explana-    have already done but I prefer to do orig-
                                                                                                                             tion, Dunckel simply replies, “I sing like     inal compositions. With The Virgin
                                                                                                                             that because I am obsessed with cherubs        Suicides we had the independence to do
                                                                                                                             and I want to sound like an angel.”            that. I would have loved to do the whole
                                                                                                                                                                            Lost In Translation soundtrack [he
Ronojoy Dam meets                                                                                                                        unckel describes the band’s new    smirks]. Ideally it would be great to com-

one half of French                                                                                                             D         album, Talkie Walkie, as “very
                                                                                                                                         emotional and romantic. It’s
                                                                                                                             mainly to do with the fact that we were
                                                                                                                                                                            pose the soundtrack for a dark science fic-
                                                                                                                                                                            tion film such as Blade Runner. I think
                                                                                                                                                                            our music would be very appropriate.”
pop duo Air                                                                                                                  thinking a lot about why we live, what
                                                                                                                             makes our lives good and in a way this
                                                                                                                                                                               Mistakes, however, have been made
                                                                                                                                                                            along the way but Dunckel is not the sort
                                                                                                                             album’s our attempt at an answer to that.”     who is afraid to admit to them. 2002 saw

        ir’s tour manager leads me into a                                                                                    Romance and, more often than not, its          the duo release Everybody Hertz, an album
        drab little dressing room in the                                                                                     bitter-sweet nature pervades the band’s        of several same-sounding remixes of only
        recesses of the Corn Exchange,                                                                                       work. “I guess our music looks to express      three songs. When I suggest to Dunckel
illuminated by the dressing-table mir-                                                                                       the beauty in sadness, a pretty melan-         that this appears to be ever so slightly self-
ror’s border of buy-1-get-5 lightbulbs.                                                                                      choly.” It is this mixture of love and lone-   indulgent, he nods his head and has the
Cheap chic. Air are anything but.                                                                                            liness set to gorgeously otherworldly          maturity and honesty to acknowledge the
Having just finished the evening’s sound                                                                                     music that provides Air’s music with a         error, “It was a big mistake and we regret
check, the elfin Jean-Benoit Dunckel (or                                                                                     touching day-dream like charm.                 doing it very much. It was something very
                                            Jessie Turnbull

JB as he is introduced), remarkably pret-                                                                                    Something Dunckel himself seems to             much out of our hands which the record
ty and petite, seeming as if he could                                                                                        possess, and expresses in his favourite        company decided.”
belong to an über-modern Parisienne                                                                                          pastimes: “I like to swim in the sea in full      As my limited matter of minutes with
fairyland, sits back with a calm unassum-                                                                                    bathing costume and I like to run.             Dunckel draws to a close I ask him what
ing confidence.                                                                                                              Underneath the sun.”                           we can expect from a band that have
   Air have been composing gorgeously                           The synthesiser experimentalism of                              Both Dunckel and his sidekick, Nicolas      brought us luscious music to drop pills to;
melodic electronic soundscapes since the                      Air’s last proper album, 10,000 Hz                             Godin, are both strong family men as           made us feel all mushy in a gloriously pre-
late nineties, achieving critical acclaim                     Legend, didn’t quite live up to the critical                   Dunckel explains, “Our children definite-      tentious and modern way and that plain-
with the mainstream breakthrough of                           acclaim of their debut but Dunckel               I want to     ly have a huge influence on our lives. We      ly express the sadness in love. Well, what
their 1998 prozac disco debut Moon                            responds with a gentle, “Of course we          sound like an   realise that we are role-models and we         else other than “something very different.
Safari. The band’s ethereal sound, glam-                      read what the press write about us but at          angel       have no excuse to be caught up in the          Some sort of stadium rock pop maybe,
orous and dreamy, was a world apart from                      the end of the day we make music because                       darker elements of life. It hurts very much    very poppy with big riffs”.
all the ‘lounge’(an anacronym for better-                     we want to, whatever that may be.”                             to be away from them and that is why we           Citing French Impressionist composer,
off-knocking-back-rat-poison boring)                            Sexuality and sensuality have always                         tour very little and when we do we do not      Claude Debussy, as a major influence
music flooding out from France at the                         been a major part of Air’s music. “10000                       do very big tours because we want to get       Dunckel asserts, “We just want to make
time and was suitably welcomed with                           Hz Legend” says Dunckel, “Was perhaps                          home as soon as we can.”                       beautiful music”.
open arms.                                                    more explicit because, like they say, you
                                                                                                                                                                                  Feb 20, 2004     09
                                                                                                                     nothing at all, and I don’t understand why      right to tell someone that they don’t have a
                                                                                                                     that is. I think we can all agree that any      right to their response on an issue.
                                                                                                                     form of harassment is generally a bad
                                                                                                                     thing, i.e. you wouldn’t want to be                      he idea that someone’s personal
                                                                                                                     harassed, therefore you take it as a general
                                                                                                                     rule that it’s not good for others to be
                                                                                                                     harassed. So, why not complain?
                                                                                                                                                                       T      reaction to an issue would be
                                                                                                                                                                              judged and ridiculed is unbeliev-
                                                                                                                                                                     able. Unfortunately it’s an everyday occur-
                                                                                                                       Making a complaint can mean any num-          rence with sexual harassment cases.

                                                                                                                     ber of things, from anonymously register-       Everyone thinks they’ve got a right to

                                                                                                                     ing the details of an incident with one of      judge, which usually boils down to – ‘I
                                                                                                                     the CUSU caseworkers, to embarking on a         wouldn’t react like that, therefore you
                                                                                                                     formal complaint. The majority of options       shouldn’t’. Sure, everyone’s entitled to

         omplaining is pretty much a stu-      things, you have CUSU battling it out
         dent’s priority. Any avid reader of
         the student press will doubtless
agree that there’s a lot of whinging going
on. And why not? The best way to avoid
                                               across the range of University committees,
                                               trying to update University harassment
                                               and bullying policies, trying to establish
                                               accessible complaints procedures, working
                                                                                                   Something to complain
an issue is by complaining; it requires
zero effort to disengage from it all and
make some petty remarks designed to
shock and scintillate.
                                               against a culture that says harassment does
                                               not exist at this University.
                                                  But harassment does exist at this
                                               University. Is CUSU just in the minority,
                                                                                                 about: sexual harassment
   Taking this culture of kvetching into       or does everyone else just assume it’s not                            ensure complete anonymity. Obviously            their own opinions, but does that mean
consideration then, I find it peculiar that    going on?                                                             filing an official complaint, either with the   that some people’s opinions trump others?
when it comes to students filing formal                                                                              Police, or with University authorities, can     Hell no. And it certainly doesn’t follow
complaints, they get attacked by their                 nlike the authors of most comment                             intrude on a person’s life, and many people     that the majority opinion should win out.
peers, the authorities, and their represen-
   Take, for example, oh I don’t know, sex-
                                               U       pieces I’ve read, I’d rather not jump
                                                       to wild conclusions in order to
                                               judge or publicly ridicule anyone. If in the
                                                                                                                     do not think that their situation would be
                                                                                                                     improved by doing so, and that’s com-
                                                                                                                     pletely understandable. Simply coming
                                                                                                                                                                       Harassment is bad, taking action can be
                                                                                                                                                                     a difficult decision, and people in general
                                                                                                                                                                     should be supportive. Come to the Sexual
ual harassment. No-one has any idea            past students just haven’t considered the       The best way to       forward to register the issue, however, is a    Harassment Event on Tuesday 24th –
about the incidence rate of sexual harass-     possibility that sexual harassment is going     avoid an issue is     completely confidential way to help pro-        whether you’ve made a complaint or not,
ment within the University, because only a     on, then I suppose now they do, and in          by complaining        tect others in the future.                      whether you’ve had a problem with sexual
tiny minority of people who have been          future there’ll be less of a struggle in                                 But maybe the problem isn’t with people      harassment or not. Come and talk about it,
affected by it ever come forward.              encouraging people to come forward and                                coming forward with their complaint.            or e-mail for
Throughout the faculties and colleges, the     file complaints. I like to think that soon                            Maybe the issues is with the complaint          more information about making a com-
prescribed method is to shut up and deal       there’ll be a wonderful spirit of vigilance                           itself. Many people worry about the valid-      plaint, or about what the procedure entails.
with it – change supervisor, change topic,     pervading throughout the University. Not                              ity of their complaint, and expect to be
change course. On the other side of            likely. What’s probably going to happen is                            judged. Many people feel that they have a              The author is CUSU Women’s Officer

                                                                                                                     because it's an American company, but              Art still has genuine power: look at
                                                                                                                     because Volvo makes some of the most            how Picasso's Guernica had to be cov-
                                                                                                                     environmentally-friendly cars in the            ered up for the declaration of war on
                                                                                                                     world, and you know how much the                Iraq, a demonstration of the coalition's
                                                                                                                     American right hates the ozone layer.           sheepishness about justifying thousands
                                                                                                                     Same with sushi: it's Japanese, and it's        of deaths. Bush has cut government
                                                                                                                     not fattening, so it can't be trusted. The      endowments for the arts wherever he
                                                                                                                     New York Times is sadly clear as well:          can. In fact, the right-wing seems to hate
 ARTISTIC ENDEAVOUR AND                                                                                              many Republicans believe it (along with         anything with the hint of a new idea in
                                                                                                                     the rest of the media) is run by a schem-       it, which means everything from post-
                                                                                                                     ing cabal of liberal Jews.                      modernism to UK garage to sen chan pad
                                                                                                                                                                     thai. And that's why the ad makes so lit-

            hat do you think of Howard         Hollywood-loving...' It's an odd list. If it                                  ut latte is surprising, because         tle sense to us and so much sense to
            Dean?' the farmer is asked.
            'Howard Dean,' the farmer
says, 'should take his tax-hiking, gov-
                                               was 'Tax-hiking, government-expanding,
                                               sandcastle-kicking, cattle-mutilating,
                                               baby-eating etc.' it would still be an odd
                                                                                                                       B     most Americans probably get
                                                                                                                             their lattes from Starbucks, one
                                                                                                                  of the greatest success stories of the
                                                                                                                                                                     them. Why do this? No one's asking you
                                                                                                                                                                     to turn into a full-blown metrosexual.
                                                                                                                                                                     But why affiliate your political persua-
ernment-expanding, latte-drinking,             list, mixing legitimate political points                           nineties - started from one tiny shop in           sion with the not-overwhelmingly-popu-
sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York          with personal insults, but at least you                            Seattle, now taking in a billion dollars a         lar cause of having as little fun as possi-
                                                                                                                  year - and, according to some, the hot             ble? Seriously, who are these people?

Let them have their
                                                                                                                  frothy vanguard of modern American                    The real problem, though, is the
                                                                                                                  economic imperialism. (And it's not as if          emphasis on personality politics. If
                                                                                                                  a latte is even very exotic. Apparently the        something as innocuous as Dean's choice
                                                                                                                  hip new morning boost for New Yorkers              of cuisine is meant to be a real criticism,
                                                                                                                  is to cook up organic jasmine and guava-           a criticism worth spending tens of thou-
                                                                                                                  pulp in a little Muji spoon and inject it          sands of dollars to put on television, can

latte and drink it
                                                                                                                  directly into their eyeball.)                      you imagine what would happen if a can-
                                                                                                                     Similar things could be said of                 didate announced he was gay? Or
                                                                                                                  Hollywood, making obscene money out                Buddhist? It's sad that Dean's campaign
                                                                                                                  of spreading across the world the proud            may have been crippled by a cheer that
                                                                                                                  US tradition of solving your problems              came out a little (ok, terrifyingly) stran-
Times-reading ...' - his wife finishes the     could understand its criticisms. But it's                          with big guns, hobbit magic, or extreme            gled. It's just as sad that it may be equal-
sentence - '... Hollywood-loving, left-        not, and you can't, because what exactly                           blondness.                                         ly damaged by vacuous allegations about
wing freak show back to Vermont,               is wrong with milky coffee, raw fish and                                 Right-wing hatred of art is well-            his personal tastes. But the saddest thing
where it belongs.'                             Swedish cars? What have these got to do                            established, from McCarthy's persecu-              of all is that the same may happen to the
   This comes from a TV ad run in Iowa         with politics? Is North London actually a       Art is subversive, tion of intellectuals in the fifties to the        next decent guy, and the one after him,
in the weeks leading up to the first           hotbed of political activism without any         transgressive,    Daily Mail's psycopathic fascination with          and the one after him. Until American
Democratic caucuses (where, as it turned       of its inhabitants realising?                   dangerous to the the Turner Prize. Art is subversive, trans-          attitudes change, it seems like even the
out, Dean was comprehensively crushed              I think the implication is that there's        status quo      gressive, dangerous to the status quo. The         Democrats will have to field candidates
by John Kerry and his sinister hair).          something dangerously unAmerican                                   National Gallery was built in the centre           so staid, so conventional, that you would-
     'Tax-hiking, government-expanding,        about all these tastes. The reasons behind                         of London so as to be walking distance             n't even want to talk to them for ten sec-
latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driv-      invoking Volvo are obvious: Dean should                            from both the rich and poor districts, a           onds at a party.
ing,    New      York     Times-reading,       be driving a Ford instead, not just                                symbol of social equality.
10 EDITORIAL    Feb 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                                

Cambridge Stresses
The high pressure environment of Cambridge has always meant
that mental illness has been a major concern here but it seems
the problem may be getting worse. The University Counselling
Service has reported a 44% rise in the number of students seek-
ing help for depression. The competitive atmosphere and fre-
quent deadlines at Cambridge mean that for all too many stu-
dents it can feel overwhelming. Colleges, faculties and the
University at large need to be more sympathetic to the problems
that some students can face. That some colleges still allegedly
run suicide watches in exam term is potential proof of the prob-
lem but is not a cure for it.
   The example of one girl forced to degrade in the face of her col-
lege’s treatment of her, treatment described as “clumsy and compli-
cated”, illustrates the need for greater awareness and understand-
ing on the part of college authorities. Her bravery in coming for-
ward and describing the problems that she faced in dealing with
her college can raise awareness of an issue that is all to easily for-
gotten, or, worse, simply not recognised. The Counselling Service
does do great work but it needs to increase its profile among the
student population. Effectively students need to be made more
aware of just what it can offer and to realise that no-one needs to
suffer in silence.
   Depression in Cambridge is a topic about which it is all too
important to remain sensitive and not to adopt a hysterical
approach yet at the same time it is an issue that is all too easy to
ignore. Student life at Cambridge is stressful and people cope with
it in different ways but the University and the colleges need to
work together more closely to ensure that the help is available for
those who need it.

Mister Misogynist?
It is not, in fact, illegal to have unpleasant thoughts. This is what is
so extraordinary about much of the reaction to Dr Peter Smith’s
return to the faculty of philosophy: CUSU statements on the mat-
ter, for instance, have been at pains to point out that it is not his use
of prostitutes that offends, but rather his ‘misogynistic’ attitudes
revealed in the ‘field reports’ he wrote in lieu of payment for their
services. The implication is that the man has become less capable as
a teacher because of his attitudes.
Plenty of people are capable of being contentious. And reviews of
                                                                             The Week in Words
prostitutes’ services are unlikely to be a haven of respectability and                                                                                  “Some students simply can’t adjust to being a small fish in a very
healthy respect for the rights of women: what the service consists of,         “Didn’t feel a thing, big boy... that hit the spot!”                   big pond”
after all, is a generally accessible database of opinions on whether
women are worth the price they are charging to have sex with them.             A talking dartboard featuring a cartoon of a topless woman with           Mark Phippen on the “pressure cooker” intensity of Cambridge
But it is a fundamental principle of most modern thinking about                  targets over her breasts. It has been condemned for condoning
individual human rights that, unless other people are directly and                                                       violence against women.        “He was great in supervisions, and a lovely person”
involuntarily affected, each individual has an absolute authority to
behave as they choose. Thus, it is not illegal to be a paedophile, but         “Isn’t it a problem that the students union, the entire student            A 2nd year Philosophy student at Jesus looking forward to the
it is illegal to abuse children; it is not illegal to dream of beating       press and the student charity are in a building that’s inaccessible to                         return of the feel-osopher, Dr. Peter Smith.
someone senseless, but it is illegal to act on that desire.                  many students?”
This is in no way to suggest that Varsity condones such a service as                                                                                    “I certainly don’t think he was out there every Saturday.”
that which Smith contributed to; rather, that there is no coherent              Jessica Childs on the plans to have a more centrally located stu-
justification for using a contribution to such a service as a reason to                                                           dents building         Dr Maria Hayward, a clothes historian who discovered football
deprive someone of their livelihood when they have done nothing                                                                                           boots in Henry VIII’s wardrobe, playing down his footballing
wrong in the course of their duties.                                           “It clearly states in the school handbook that sweets are discour-                                                               skills.
There is at least a kind of sense in removing someone from their post        aged”
as a result of breaking the law, whatever one thinks of the legal sta-                                                                                   “3,969,000 pages of publications, 455 hours of clubbing, 3,498
tus of the oldest profession. But to suggest, as several people have,                   Tracy Coathupe, chairman of the school governors of a         target schools, 300 students at the NUS national demo, 518,922
that a man should be effectively removed from supervision duty on             Cheshire primary school after a four-year-old girl was barred from      photocopies, 35,796 condoms and more… 18,000 students, one
a permanent basis despite a total lack of evidence that he has been                                         eating a packet of chocolate buttons      union”
bad at his job or has in any way mistreated his female students is at                                                                                                        If you can handle that, be CUSU President!
least muddled.

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    Ella McPherson                                             Page Fourteen (                      Tom Simonite                                     out the prior permission of the publisher.
                                                                 Alex Rushmer, Dave Fawbert
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Feb 20, 2004        11
                                                                                                                                  thing it is very difficult not to get carried away          longer than the emotion itself if you really felt
                                                                                                                                  in the heat of the moment. The only thing to                the emotion you can’t deny it once existed. It’s
                                                                                                                                  remember is that the person whom you write                  the emotional charge that spurs us to do these
                                                                                                                                  to may not be as discreet as you would prefer. I            irrational things and it’s that charge that proves
                                                                                                                                  once read a very intimate letter sent to a close            our feelings are real.
                                                                                                                                  friend of mine from one very much in love                      Of course all this is fine if the correspon-
                                                                                                                                  mutual friend of ours. It made me cringe                    dence doesn’t come to light (or you steal it
                                                                                                                                                                                              back!). But when unintended eyes glance upon

                                                                                                                When the
                                                                                                                                                                                              your words shame, embarrassment and guilt
THE PEN IS THE DEADLIEST                                                                                                                                                                      descend. The most successful and salacious kiss
WEAPON OF ALL                                                                                                                                                                                 and tell stories in newspapers use love letters as
                                                                                                                                                                                              the crux of the “story”. Poor old Princess
                                                                                                                                                                                              Diana. The letters she wrote to James Hewitt
It is never wise to put pen to paper when one        made things a whole lot worse and made me                                                                                                whilst he was serving in the Gulf war in 1991
is feeling particularly aggrieved, venomous,
vitriolic, hurt, humiliated or ashamed. In a
cruel twist of irony however it is precisely
when you feel like this that an overwhelming
wish, nay, uncontrollable urge to convey your
                                                     feel horrible. (Note to self: stop controlling my
                                                     life through a Varsity column.)
                                                         Even the old trick of writing things down in
                                                     a letter intended not to be sent or published
                                                     cannot be a trusted way of venting your anger
                                                                                                                ink dries...                                                                  make cringe-worthy reading, “Boy, oh boy,
                                                                                                                                                                                              does the earth shake when I get a letter from
                                                                                                                                                                                              my desert friend, screams of delight, tears, you
                                                                                                                                                                                              name it.” And there are far more needy, emo-
                                                                                                                                                                                              tional and sexually explicit ones that haven’t
thoughts and feelings unleashes itself.              whilst sparing repercussions. Secret scribblings                             deeply. Not for the content so much (though it              been published.
   Whether venting your grievance on the per-        can be discovered and brought out in the future                              was rather trite and a little desperate) but for                But it’s not just love-lorn Princesses whose
                                                                                                         Personal and deeply
son who has caused the pain or to as wide a          to harm you. Even diaries are no longer the safe                             me. If I was sitting there reading his zillion page         hearts rule their heads. Even Prime Ministers

                                                     they once were, as Alastair Campbell’s diary evi- intimate letters are
reading public as possible the action can only       haven for all things secretive and dear to us that                           intimate letter (and designed for a certain per-            suffer from errors of judgement in their letter

                                                     dence proved in the Hutton trial: “I agreed it the major faux pas
bring you harm. Writing things down in a letter                                                                                   son’s eyes only) what about all the correspon-              writing. At the end of last year intimate and
rarely achieves anything and you certainly                                                                                        dence I’ve sent? Letters, notes, emails, text mes-          passionate letters of Winston Churchill sent to
shouldn’t use the pages of newspapers (and stu-      would f**k Gilligan if that [Dr Kelly] was his                               sages all declaring my feelings of a particular             his first love and rumoured to be his first
dent rags at that) to vent your personal attacks,    source.” Oops Al! But then at least he’s on track                            time now in the rather un-safe keeping of those             fiancée were published. “Never have I seen one
vendettas and general spleen. It can never help      to earn a fair bit selling them to the newspapers.                           who I sent them to. After reading that letter I             for whom I would forego the business of life.
matters. And that’s a lesson hard-learned, espe-         Personal and deeply intimate letters though                              could have declared there and then that I’d                 Then I met you... Were I a dreamer of dreams,
cially for the more emotional among us! In an        are the major faux pas. Love letters in a relation-                          never put pen to paper again.                               I would say... “Marry me - and I will conquer
article last week I made a dig at someone I actu-    ship and those written immediately after one                                    But then if you truly feel something deeply,             the world and lay it at your feet.” If only such
ally care deeply for. It was a cheap shot and it     ends cause the most embarrassment as the                                     passionately, maddeningly and truthfully you                letters would come to light written by Tony
wasn’t even true! So, why oh why, did I do it? I     writer lays their emotions and vulnerabilities                               can’t help but speak out. So although the letters           Blair or, better still, if only someone would
was feeling hurt, upset: the usual reasons but it    bare. If you feel so passionately about some-                                in which you declare your emotions last a lot               write a letter like that to me!

 Letters                                                                                                                                    Cryptic crossword No.6: Set by Luke Pebody
                                                     Letters should be submitted no later than midnight
                                                     on Wednesday, and be as concise as possible. The
                                                     editors reserve the right to edit all copy. Write to: edi-

           Quoting the Bible                                               Varsity is amazing?
Dear Editor,                                                     Dear Editor,

I was amazed that Varsity printed, without comment, a let-       Last week’s edition of Varsity is the most disparaging and
ter in last week’s edition in which the correspondent, a         abhorrently petty, shoddy, flagrant, paltry, sleazy, sensa-
CUSU LBG representative, states that ‘the Bible does             tionalist piece of glitter-glamour journalism I have ever
NOT say that homosexuality is a form of sexual immoral-          read. I thought coming to Cambridge would be an act of
ity.’ I wonder how the writer - and for that matter Varsity      salvation from the drudgery of squat grey cities, tawdry
if it endorses such a view - reconciles this position with the   backwater provinces, and the endless morass of suburbia.
following: ‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with             I hoped that a ticket here meant a long overdue departure
womankind: it is abomination.’ Leviticus 18:22 (King             from the gormless, guileless, fucking morons who plod
James’ Version) Please understand that I in no way seek to       around endless shopping malls and side-streets, and to a
identify myself with the unpleasantly homophobic                 certain extent this is true. The people here tend to be very
Biblical position - I merely wish to draw your readers’          astute, well-educated and intelligent. This is what makes
attention to the inaccuracy of the previous letter.              last week’s edition of Varsity such a misery, such an odious
                                                                 travesty; for how could such rational, clever people have
Yours faithfully,                                                laid their wits to waste? Why didn’t you add a page 3 girl
James Burberry, Jesus College                                    and have done with it? I’d just like to make it clear that I’m
                                                                 not a religious nut, I’m not a manic depressive, and I’m
                                                                 not love-lorn bachelor - I live in a place called reality,
The Anguish of Geographers                                       maybe you should come and visit some time.

                                                                 Will Barrett, Peterhouse
                                                                                                                                                      ACROSS                                  DOWN
Dear Editor,
                                                                                                                                        1a) Soft conservative looks at song. (6,4)            2d) Sensible reason, but losing direction
                                                                                                                                        7a) A sports car. (4)                                 (8)
In response to Colm McGrath’s ill-educated diatribe                          Political Ratbags!                                         9a) Guessing could get somebody killed! (8)           3d) Back room for relieving mouth (3)
against geography, and in the defence thereof. It is always                                                                             10a) The gentlemen’s distance. (6)                    4d) Only a small portion of fruits dance
the case is it not, that those who know the least about an       Dear Mr and Miss Editor,                                               11a) It’s witty, even though it’s just half a piece   (5)
issue have the strongest opinions. Mr. McGrath is no                                                                                    of candy and some backwards bloke. (3,3)              5d) Rapper’s greeting pain culture (7)
                                                                                                                                        13a) An international group, one man and two          6d) I push curl around like vitriol (9)
exception. He shows an almost compulsive desire to have          Was I the only one to feel slightly nauseous reading Ben               senior journalists are ignored. (8)                   7d) Acidic treats are mixed up with first
Geography be black or white, and cannot bide the fact            Ramm’s desperate and opportunistic plea for LibDem                     14a) The one who makes the most popular               gear (11)
that it is a kaleidoscope of inter-disciplinary colours, (to     support on the letters page? For a party which is supposed             team, with the help of truth, god and the             8d) Honour for comic (6)
quote him: ‘either it is or it isn’t, Make up your mind.’)       to be so committed to ‘new’ and ‘honest’ politics it seemed            queen. (12)                                           12d) Approximate enumeration for man
The breadth of geography is undeniably its greatest              remarkably negative. He launched several critical and                  17a) When one scallop and two aliens get              with high hopes (11)
                                                                                                                                        together, it may?? cause things to become             15d) Starter made from oats and paint (9)
strength. No other subject can boast to include anthropol-       cheap attacks on both major parties but offered no con-                darker. (5,7)                                         16d) Selecta as a system of units for a
ogy, economics, physics, chemistry, biology, history, soci-      structive alternative at all, merely misrepresenting his               20a) Ape Soup. (5,3)                                  transportation company. (8)
ology, philosophy and climatology in its first year course.      party as ‘Liberal’ when it is nothing of the sort. They are a          21a) Film star who only has nonspeaking               18d) Advertise a small part of a table. (7)
I cannot help it if Mr McGrath finds the extrapolation of        disparate, divided, ill-disciplined rat-bag of activists - the         roles. (6)                                            19d) Cuddles that you can play. (6)
aspects of different subjects and their fusion ‘somewhat         pick-and-mix of politics - as evidenced by his description             22a) Underwear for dogs. (6)                          21d) Permission to go (5)
confusing.’ Maybe he is bitter as to his own academic            of himself as Liberal when the Party leader is a Social                23a) Associations that can involve danger(8)          24d) A panda bear who likes to run
                                                                                                                                        25a) Nicholas, for example, is extremely this         around. (3)
insufficiencies. Perhaps therefore, he, and many others          Democrat. My suggestion to the students of Cambridge                   answer! (4)
besides, should discard their nineteenth century prejudices      would be that when the next election comes round they                  26a) Loving but confused hot feather (2,3,5)
that geography is based on facts and maps, and ply their         read all the candidates’ manifestoes and make up their
ill-judged words to a cause more worthy of their facile          own minds on the basis of what they actually, positively
opinions.                                                        propose. Then again, with a Government that goes back                                                        Last week’s answers
                                                                 on its pledges as disgracefully as this maybe we should wait
I Remain As Always...&c.                                         for an era of more honest politics. Unfortunately the rants               ACROSS: 1. ELVIS PRESLEY, 8.NEUTRON, 9.IGNEOUS, 11.IN-BUILT, 12.HOUDINI,
                                                                 of Ben won’t achieve this!                                                13.NERVY, 14. RETALIATE, 16.JAMBALAYA, 19.PILAU, 21.NICOSIA, 23.STEPSON,
Richard John Pygott, 1st year geographer, Robinson                                                                                         24.STERNER, 25.ORANGES, 26.PHILADELPHIA
College                                                          Yours apathetically,                                                      DOWN: 1. E-NUMBER, 2. VARSITY, 3. SANATORIA, 4. REICH, 5. SENSUAL, 6. EROTICA,
                                                                 Edward Cumming, Downing College                                           7.INDIANA JONES 10. SPITEFULNESS, 15. TOADSTOOL, 17. MACBETH, 18. ARSENAL,
                                                                                                                                           19. PREWASH, 20. LASAGNA, 22. ACRID
12 PAGE FOURTEENFeb 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                        

                                                             UNCLE CAM WANTS YOU!
                                                                Growing concerns that Cambridge University is ‘selling out’ and going mainstream gathered fresh impetus yesterday after plans
                                                             to ‘Americanize’ the University were leaked. Not content with gorging itself on extra revenue from proposed top-up fees, CamUni Inc.
                                                             is apparently planning an attack on the American market by undergoing corporate rebranding, with the slogan ‘Can we kick it? Yes-

                                                               Supervisions have been renamed megavisions, lectures have been replaced by ‘like, issue focus groups’ and rumour has it that
                                                             dons will be renamed Don Kings and forced to grow spiky grey hair and shout a lot in an incomprehensible language. This obviously
                                                             won’t affect many Maths Professors.

                                                               President Alison Richards is already attracting criticism with the advent of the War on Grammerism (sic), in an effort to combat
                                                             the poor standards of students’ written work. Rumours that the CUSU offices are to be bombed to smoke out the evil Osama Ben
                                                             Brinded are completely unfounded, definitely untrue and possibly libellous (especially as he’s a really nice bloke).

                                                               Students have reacted with fury at the plans: Giles, a Rage Against The Machine fan from King’s, spake thus: “It’s just a complete
                                                             cop out man. I mean, I came to Cambridge to rail against the establishment and corporate capitalist whoring by saying ‘fuck’ a lot
                                                             and deliberately not going to every other formal hall. It’s almost as bad as when Busted went mainstream. They were like, so way
                                                             cool before then. I hate them now though obviously. Year 3000 was a tune mind, it’s so like, futuristic, when capitalism will have
                                                             been defeated and we’ll all be...erm...underwater I guess.”

                                                               The only positive aspect of these events is the distinct possibility that CamUni Inc. are targetting Colin Powell as head porter of
                                                             Trinity – at least if we get him over here we can start getting him to pronounce his own sodding name correctly. Additionally, if
                                                             America is looking for any weapons of mass seduction it need look no further than Page Fourteen’s very own Al and Dave.
“So where exactly is this oxbridge place then? Is it
anywhere near Li-cester Square?”

                       If Colleges Were...
                       Premiership Football Teams
As the premiership football season draws towards its annual close and exciting conclusion, football lovers can witness
the big guns fighting it out at the top of the tree, the small fishies furiously trying to stave off relegation and Tottenham
nestling in 10th place as they have done since A.D. 5.
  It has dawned on us here at Page Fourteen, however, that there are some striking (if you’ll pardon the pun) similarities
between these great British footballing sides and these, our great British colleges. And here they are in the convenient list
format that you all know and love.

Trinity – Manchester United                                        Christs – Middlesbrough
Always number one. The best manager. The best players.             Solid, work hard, dependable, consistenly keep clean sheets
Everyone hates them. Decent stadium though.                        (so the bedders tell me), boring.

Clare – Chelsea                                                    Girton – Newcastle
Stylish and sophisticated; there are probably as many Clare        Full of attacking verve, miles from anywhere. Frequent
students shopping down the Kings Road as Chelsea players.          run-ins with Uncle Bobby when cycling home drunk in
Have a Russian ex-mafia oil baron bankrolling the operation        the middle of the night.
(allegedly, probably not true).
                                                                   Peterhouse – Leicester
Newnham – Wolves                                                   Fragile confidence, small side, not good with their backs
Owned by a sugar daddy, easy to score against, likely to go        against the wall.
                                                                   Hughes Hall – Bolton
Kings – Liverpool                                                  Full of quality old ex-internationals, fighting spirit, not
The Reds. Not quite living up to former glories but still          glamorous but effective.
think they’re the best and subsequently a bit bolshy (ouch).
                                                                   New Hall – Blackburn
Trinity Hall – Portsmouth                                          A great pair up front, seem to respond to a tongue-lashing
By the sea (well, the Cam), plucky underdogs with good team        from their boss, have been known to let opposition come
spirit. Enjoy a good dogfight (almost as much as Princess Anne).   from behind.                                                   Chris rues missing the chance to come from behind against Blackburn when the
                                                                                                                                  defence was open and the chance was easy. Still, there’s always Cocos tonight.

                                                                                       CUSU have hit back at accusations that excess bureau-            A CUSU representative told Page Fourteen “Students
                                                                                       cracy is hampering the successful running of the               are sick of hearing people answer questions without
                                                                                       Students Union by proposing the motion for the estab-          actually saying anything. What we are proposing to pro-
                                                                                       lishment of a sub-committee to look into the creation of       pose is the introduction of a scheme whereby answers
                                                                                       a sub-committee (a CUSU sub-sub committee) which               become short, succinct, concise, compact, and most
                                                                                       will look into whether CUSU is suffering from excess           importantly, foremost, to the point. There will be no
                                                                                       bureaucracy.                                                   more beating around the bush, no more sitting on the
                                                                                                                                                      fence, no more spending inordinate amounts of time
                                                                                         It is hoped that the establishment of CUSUSCFC-              answering questions in a long-winded fashion.
                                                                                       SCFRIB (Cambridge University Students Union Sub
                                                                                       Committee For the Creation of a Sub Committee For                The changes will be sweeping, covering the whole of
                                                                                       Reduction In Bureaucracy) will streamline future CUSU          CUSU. Ultimately it should make the Students Union
                                                                                       initiatives such as the introduction of a Red Tape             work for all much more efficiently and although stu-
                                                                                       Awareness Action Plan which will hopefully be up and           dents won’t feel the benefits straight away the long term
                                                                                       running by 2036. The reason for the delay is due to the        goals are what matters for CUSU. We are also proposing
                                                                                       number of readings of sub-clauses which will invariably        the proposal for yet another bloody sub-committee to
                                                                                       be proposed by every single CUSU representative, after         look into the establishment of a Cambridge dialect that
                                                                                       which there will be a 5 year trial period followed by the      consists entirely of acronyms and abbreviations thus sav-
                                                                                       creation of yet another sub-committee to decide whether        ing even more time in years to come.”
                                                                                       the initiative has succeeded or if the idea needs to return
                                                                                       to the drawing board.
Welcome to Varsity’s Listings pull-out.With our expert’s top recommendations below, Listings
is your essential weekly guide to what’s on in Cambridge over the next seven days.
   THEATRE                                          LIT                        CL ASSIC AL                                    MUSIC                                VISUAL

Those old CUMTS are back with a         Mark Watson is one of those             Distinguished tenor, Anthony Rolfe     Krafty Kuts is a stooopid DJ name,   Matthew Slotover, editor of Frieze
sassy new production of the sen-        frighteningly       accomplished        Johnson, comes to town on Saturday     but it probably sounded proper       magazine and co-director of Frieze,
sationally soulful cult comedy mu-      Cambridge graduates that make           to perform Bach’s epic St Matthew      safe when he was 15. Like, I used    London’s most vibrant art fair, de-
sical, Little Shop of Horrors. Riding   you wonder what the monkey’s a          Passion with Cu3e at Trinity Chapel.   to know a DJ ‘Sticky Fingaz’. What   serves hearty congratulations for his
high on the sell out success of West    pleb like you is doing here. Not        This is a rare opportunity to hear a   the fuck does that mean? Nothing.    sterling efforts to give BritArt the at-
Side Story last year, love blossoms     content with a stand up career and      thoroughly rehearsed and profes-       But like Fingaz always said when     tention it occasionally merits.
and so does that frisky flytrap.        a sit-com in the works the 23 year      sional production in Cambridge. A      we took the piss “Shut up about      Attend his talk on 26th Feb, 7.30 pm
Cambridge Arts Theatre,Tue 24th -       old will be launcing his first novel    must for anyone who appreciates        my name. My skills is phat!” The     in Jesus College UpperHall and be the
                                        Bullet Points, on Wed 25th at
Sat 28th, 01223 503333                                                          the beauty of the human voice.         Fez Club, 24th Feb                   first to pat him on the back.
                                        Borders. Git.

                                                                   HAVE YOU                                 EVER
                                                             THOUGHT OF BEING


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   COULD YOU PUBLISH 10,000 COPIES OF A                                                                                            this full-time salaried post:
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   COULD YOU LIAISE BETWEEN A                                 BOARD            OF   DIRECTORS             AND                Requirements: Any discipline, you must have
   STUDENT EDITORS?                                                                                                         received or be receiving a good degree in 2004,
                                                                                                                                 relevant experience and computer skills an
                                                                                                                                   advantage. No experience with Varsity is
                                                                                                                               required but organisational skills, energy and
   OF A LITERARY ANTHOLOGY?                                                                                                                       self-motivation a necessity.

                   The perfect opportunity for anyone wanting experience in the world of business,
                              media management, advertising, marketing or media law

                   The best kept job secret in Cambridge
L2       LISTINGS                    20 FEBRUARY 04
                                                                                                                               Tuesday                                   Kick Bo:

    F I L M                                   M I S C                                 CU Wu Shu Kwan:
                                                                                      Chinese Kickboxing -the ultimate art
                                                                                      of self-defence.
                                                                                                                               AWiSE (Assoc for Women in Science
                                                                                                                               & Engineering:
                                                                                                                               informal meeting to discuss mentor-
                                                                                                                                                                         Non-contact aerobics using the
                                                                                                                                                                         dynamic kicking and punching moves
                                                                                                                                                                         of Martial-Arts. New Hall, Long
                                                                                      Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Room.      ing, career structures, work-life bal-    Room. 5:30pm. £2.
Friday                                     Friday
                                                                                      7pm. £3.                                 ance etc etc.
Central/European Film Club:                CU Karate Club:
                                                                                                                               Grad Pad, Cafe. 12:30am.                  Wednesday
Chico by Ibolya Fekete (2001). In          Beginners Kumite.
                                                                                      C.U. Ta Chi Chuan Society:                                                         CU Karate Club:
Hungarian with English subtitles.          Queens’ College, Squash Courts.
                                                                                      Tai Chi Chuan: Hand-form; Self-          CU Ballet Club:                           Kata Session-Kyu grades.
Caius College, Bateman Auditorium.         6pm. £2.
                                                                                      defence; Pushing-hands; Weapons; Nei     Improvers ballet. 1hr for grds 4-6ish.    Fenners Small Gym, .
8pm.                                                                                  Kung. Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway                                                8pm. £1.
                                           Culanu:                                                                             Kelsey Kerridge, 8pm. £1.00.
                                                                                      Room. 2pm. £2/3.
Sunday                                     Jewish Cambridge’s unmissable week-
                                                                                                                               CU Ballet Club:                           CU Karate Club:
Christ’s Films:                            ly, drink and be merry!
                                                                                      Monday                                   Beginners jazz, all welcome!.             Kata Class-3rd Kyu and above.
Kill Bill Vol. 1.                          The Culanu Centre, 33a Bridge St,
                                                                                      Buddhist Meditation:                     Queens’ College, Bowett Room.             Fenenrs Small Gym, .
Christs College, New Court Theatre.        between Oxfam and The Galleria.
                                                                                      Samatha Trust,                           4:30pm. £1.00.                            9pm. £1.
8pm. and 10.30pm £2.                       10pm.
                                                                                      Thai breath meditation.
                                                                                                   CU Ballet Club:                           Thursday
Queens’ Films:                             Saturday
                                                                                      Pembroke College, Seminar Room,          Performance class (advanced).             CU Ballet Club:
Intolerable Cruelty (2003, 100min,         Cambridge Dancers’ Club:
                                                                                      N 7. 7:30pm.                             Contemporary classical dance 1.5hr.       Beginners ballet, all welcome!.
starring George Clooney and Caterine       Cuppers Dancesport. Inter college
                                                                                                                               Queens’ College, Bowett Room.             Queens’ College, Bowett Room.
Zeta-Jones).                               dance competition.
                                                                                      CU Ballet Club:                          5:30pm. £2.00.                            6pm and 7pm £1.50.
Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall,
                                                                                      Performance class (Intermediate).
9pm. £2.                                   Parkside Gym, 2pm. £5 entry.
                                                                                      Contempory classical dance experi-       CU Chabad Society:                        CU Karate Club:
                                                                                      ence! 1.5hr. Queens’ College, Bowett     Beginners Talmud Class - no previous      Intermediates session-6th Kyu and
St John’s Films:                           CU Ballet Club:
                                                                                      Room. 3pm. £2.                           knowledge necessary.                      above.
Master and Commander - Russell             Intermediate ballet. Free class for grds
                                                                                                                               Chabad House, 19 Regent Terrace,          Queens’ College, Bowett Room.
Crowe as Captain in Napoleonic Wars.       6-7ish. Queens’ College, Bowett Room.
                                                                                      CU Ballet Club:                          8pm.                                      8pm. £2.
St. John’s College, Fisherbuilding.        2:30pm. £1.
                                                                                      Beginners pointe, 0.5hr. Live your
7pm and 10pm. £ 2.                                                                    dreams!.                                 CU Karate Club:                           C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society:
                                           CU Ballet Club:
                                                                                      Queens’ College, Bowett Room.            Beginners Session-all welcome.            Tai Chi Chuan: Hand-form; Self-
Thursday                                   Advanced ballet: Free class for grds
                                                                                      4:30pm. £0.50.                           Fenners Large Gym, 8pm. £2.               defence; Pushing-hands; Weapons;
Christ’s Films:                            7/8+. Kelsey Kerridge, 4:30pm. £1.
                                                                                                                                                                         Nei Kung.
Withnail and I.                                                                       CU Chabad Society:                       CU Wu Shu Kwan:                           Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Room.
Christs College, New Court Theatre.        CU Karate Club:
                                                                                      Yiddish - learn the language of your     Chinese Kickboxing -the ultimate art      7pm. £2/3.
10pm. £2.                                  Beginners Class-beginners to 7th Kyu.
                                                                                      grandparents.                            of self-defence.
                                           Fenners Large Gym, 2pm. £2.
                                                                                      Chabad House - 19 Regent Terrace, .      Christs College, New Court Theatre.       Friday
St John’s Films:                                                                      8pm.                                     8pm. £3.                                  CU Karate Club:
Buffalo Soldiers - contentious portray-    The Pembroke College Winnie-the-
                                           Pooh Society:                                                                                                                 Beginners Kumite.
al of the US military.                                                                CU Karate Club:                          C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society:               Queens’ College, Squash Courts.
St. John’s College, Fisher Building.       Including a smackeral of something.
                                                                                      Squad Session.                           Tai Chi Chuan: Hand Form; Self-           6pm. £2.
9pm. £ 2.                                  Bridge Street, No. 4a, Room 15.
                                                                                      Fenners Large Gym, .                     defence; Pushing-hands; Weapons; Nei
                                                                                      8pm. £2.                                 Kung. Clare College, Bythe Room.          Culanu:
                                                                                                                               7pm. £2/3.                                Jewish Cambridge’s unmissable week-
                                           Sunday                                                                                      ly, drink and be merry! .
                                           CU Karate Club:                            Speed Dating - “Musical chairs with      dertie promotion:                         The Culanu Centre, 33a Bridge St,
                                           Beginners Class-beginners to 7th Kyu.      chemistry.” Wine included - Great fun!   drink offers - entertainers - que jump    between Oxfam and The Galleria.
                                           Fenners Large Gym, 2pm. £2.                The Anchor Pub, Please sign up in        for clubs and shows . Ishca, quay side.   10pm.
                                                                                      advance at      8pm.
                                           CU Karate Club:                            7:30pm. £3.
Master and Commander, 12A                  Advanced Class-6th Kyu and above.
      Sunday 22nd February -               Fenners Large Gym, 4pm. £2.
          7pm & 10pm
                                                                                      Society for 20th Century Music           Sam Roskams, cello: Shostakovich,         Tuesday
       Buffalo Soldiers, 15
    Thursday 26th February -
                                              MUSIC                                   (ISIS):
                                                                                      SHOSTAKOVICH - SYMPHONY
                                                                                      No.11 (The Year 1905).
                                                                                                                               Caius College, Bateman Auditorium.
                                                                                                                                                                         Margaret Wileman Music Society:
                                                                                                                                                                         For lovers only - Songs & Arias.
                                                                                                                                                                         Anando Mukerjee, tenor.
                                                                                      West Road Concert Hall, Book now at                                                Hughes Hall, 7pm.
                                           Friday                                            Jesus College Music Society:
       CAR FOR SALE                        Cambridge Indie Society:                   7:30pm. £4 Student, £6 concessions,      David Crighton Concert 2004:              Margaret Wileman Music Society:
                                           Indie/Alternative/Retro/Rock.              £8 full.                                 Beethoven Piano Concerto No. 3 (Tom       For lovers only - Songs & Arias.
         Renault Megane 1.6 RT                                                                                                 Poster) plus Rossini and Dvorak.
           5 Door Hatchback                The Kambar, opposite Corn Exchange                                                                                            Anando Mukerjee, tenor.
                 P Reg                     box office. 9:30pm. £3.                    Trinity College Music Society:           West Road Concert Hall., .                Hughes Hall, . 6pm.
                 White                                                                CUBE, directed by Nick Collon, per-      8pm. £6 (£3 concessions).
              65,000 Miles                 CUMS II Orchestra:                         form Bach’s ‘St Matthew Passion’.                                                  TCMSwGeoffCoombe:
                                           Schumann Piano Concerto and                Trinity College, Trinity College         Kettle’s Yard:                            Jazz Record Listening Sessions: Why
       Full Renault Service history                                                   Chapel. 6:30pm. £15, £8 concessions,     New music morning presented by live       Jazz Matters.
            2 owners from new              Mussorgsky.
                                           Conductor Ashley Grote.                    £5 TCMS members.                         Experimental Performance Society -        Music Faculty, West Rd,
    electric windows/ sunroof, airbag
         Road tax/ MOT this June           Sidgwick Site, 8pm. £11/7.                                                          approx 1 hour. Kettle’s Yard, 12am.       Lecture Room 4.
  Good condition, all paper work present                                              Sunday                                                                             7:30pm. £6/4.
                                           Kettle’s Yard:                             Elm Tree Jazz:                           Selwyn College Music Society:
         Quick Sale, £1950                 Lunch time concert, lasting approx 40      Modern Jazz, Andy Bowie Quartet          Shostakovich and Elgar Piano
                                           mins. Kettle’s Yard, 1:10pm.               with Paul Stubbs.                        Quintets performed by Instrumental        Wednesday
         Cambridge (Newnham)                                                          Elm Tree, Orchard Street near Free       Award Holders.                            Jesus College Music Society
           Ring 01223 528369               Saturday                                   Press. 8:30pm.                           Selwyn College, The Hall.                 Wednesday Recital:
                                           GCMS:                                                                               8:30pm. £4 full/£2.50 student/Free        Twentieth-Century American Song:
                                           Francesca Massey, contralto;               Fitzwilliam College Music Society:       SCMS members.                             Andrea Pizziconi, Soprano. Ryan

                                           John Robinson, piano:                      Contemporary Music Ensemble.                                                       Brandau, Piano.
                                           Bach, Brahms, Ireland, Madelaine           Fitzwilliam College, Fitzwilliam         Songs In The Dark:                        Jesus College Chapel, 9pm.
                                           Dring.                                     Chapel. 8pm.                             Acoustic music from Simon
                                           Caius College, Bateman Auditorium.                                                  Mastrantone and Jeremy Warmsley.
                                                                                      GCMS:                                    8:30 on alternate sundays.

                                                                                      Nehali Shah, piano;                      Clowns Cafe, King Street. 8:30pm.

                                                                                      Alex Reid, violin;

                                                    EDINBURGH FESTIVAL 2004
                                            Solve your accommodation problems by calling
                                                                                         New arts magazine for
Party bookings up to 50 available            Carole Smith/ Anne Goring on 01620 810620
  Downstairs Cocktail Bar                            email address:
                                                                                         Out next week
                                                                or write to
 17 Hills Road, Cambridge                           Festival Flats, 3 Linkylea Cottages,
                                                              Gifford, East Lothian, EH41 4PE
 01223 566900

                                                            The Model Student magazine and website features a
                                                          selection of academic beauties from our great University.
                                                           Check your pigeonholes this week for the chance to see
                                                                       all this year’s model wannabes.
                                                                                                                                                  20 FEBRUARY 04                        LISTINGS                         L3
                                                                                                                                                                               The Cambridge Mummers
             The European
             Theatre Group
                                              The Dryden                                          Dramatic Society

                                                Society                              Seeks to appoint its 2004/05 committee and
       invites applications for          Invites Applications to Direct/             invites applications for the following posts:                 CADS                                    ‘’
         TOUR MANAGER                                                                             New Writers Rep
                                         Produce its May Week Show, in                                                                                                                to be performed at the
      for the 2004 winter tour.                                                                     Director’s Rep
                                          the beautiful setting of Trinity                             Publicist                         Invite Applications                     Edinburgh Festival (August 2004)
                                                Fellows’ Garden.
Contact Laura lg251 or Ben brw27 for                                                            Producer of the Arts
                                                                                                    Theatre Show
                                                                                                                                          to direct the 2004                             Sat 21st Feb 2-5pm
    guidelines/more information.                                                                                                                                                 Ramsden Room, St. Catherine’s College
Applications should either be emailed   Applications/ Enquiries to Hazel                For more information, please contact               May Week Play                           Sunday 22nd February 2-5pm
                                                                                                Christina Elliot, cje35                                                                     Ramsden Room
 or placed in the ETG pigeon hole in          Pearson (hap27) by                       Deadline for applications: 27th February
 the ADC by 6pm on Wed 25th Feb.              29th February 2004                                                                         Contact adn25 for details                  Questions to:

  1"3,453&&5…$". 3*%(&

                                                 THE                                                          DEBATE
   UPBQQPJOUUXPGVMMUJNF                                                                                                                          Great tasting, great
    IPVTFLFFQFSTGPSUIF                           Is the left-wing media’s coverage of Israel
  BDBEFNJDZFBS                                  tainted by anti-semitism?                                                                   value pizza for

                                                       Speakers: Tim Luckhurst (Former Editor of The Scotsman)
                                                                   Alibhai-Brown (The Independent)
PO                                          Wednesday 25th February, 8pm                                                      and collection
                                                                          The Culanu Centre
  PSNJDIBFM!BED                                           33a Bridge St, between Oxfam and The Galaeria                                                  DOMINOS CAMBRIDGE:
      UIFBUSFDBNBDVL                                                                                                                                            01223 355155
   5IFEFBEMJOFGPSXSJUUFO                                                                                                                                   27 HILLS ROAD, CAMBRIDGE, CB2 1NW
 BQQMJDBUJPOTJTUXFMWFOPPO                                                        Tuesday
                                             TALK                                    CLIO-History Society:
                                                                                     JOHN YOUNG - Head of History at
                                                                                     Nottingham: ‘Britain and the Vietnam
                                        Friday                                       War’. Clare College, Latimer Room.              Friday                                  Sunday
                                        Cambridge University Persian Society:        8:15pm.                                         BATS:                                   Clare Comedy:
   Cambridge University                 Talk and Dinner on 23.02. host: Master                                                       Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the     Top Cambridge stand-up comedians,
 Rugby Union Football Club              of Churchill College for Bam                 Thursday                                        Speckled Band .                         plus guest London headliner Brendon
                                        Earthquake Charity.                          CICCU:                                          Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall       Burns. Clare College, Clare Cellars.
  Our internationally famous            Churchill College, Wolfson Room              The Bible Talk: Why won’t God answer            (Late Show). 11pm.                      9pm. £2.
                                        (Talk), Hall (Dinner). 06:30am. £ 10,00,     me?. Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall.
     Rugby Team needs
                                        contact ea257 to subscribe before 19.02.     1pm.                                            CUADC:                                  CUADC:
someone to video all our rugby
                                                                                                                                     THE VISIT - a tragicomedy filled with   ONE NIGHT STAND - 24 Hour
  matches during the season             CICCU:                                       Kettle’s Yard:                                                                          Drama - instant plays in the bar.
                                                                                                                                     dark humour. ADC Theatre, .
                                        Sidgwick@One: How to be free...              Gaudier, Gabo and Bergson, Michael              7:45pm. £5 - £7.50.                     ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £3.
            Contact:                    Sidgwick Site, Meade Room                    Harrison. Aprox 30 mins.
  Liz Robertson or Dick Tilley          (Economics). 1pm.                            Kettle’s Yard, 1:10pm.                          Lady Margaret Players and               Lady Margaret Players and
         01223 354131 or                                                                                                             Anonymous Players:                      Anonymous Players:               Saturday                                     Friday                                          Happy Days.                             Happy Days.
                                        Cambridge University Persian Society:        CICCU:                                          Beckett’s extraordinary expression      Beckett’s extraordinary expression
                                        Talk and Dinner on 23.02. host: Master       Sidgwick@One: The fulfilment of Old             about the mystery of human existence.   about the mystery of human existence.
    The Heywood Society                                                                                                              The Playroom, 9:30pm.                   The Playroom, 9:30pm. £5.50/4.
                                        of Churchill College for Bam                 Testament Prophecy.
         Presents...                    Earthquake Charity.                          Sidgwick Site, Meade Room                       £5.50/4.
                                        Churchill College, Wolfson Room              (Economics). 1pm.                                                                       The Marlowe Society:
       Lent Term REVIEW                 (Talk), Hall (Dinner). 06:30am. £ 10,00,                                                     Pembroke Players:                       SCRIPTLAB:
                                        contact ea257 to subscribe before 19.02.     CU Christian Science Organisation:              HERE KITTY - a new play about sex,      Rehearsed reading of new Cambridge
                                                                                     “Understanding Spiritual Healing” -             lies and jelly babies. ADC Theatre, .   writing. Contact lac43 for details.
    An amalgamation of new
                                        Monday                                       find practical healing in your life.            11pm. £3 - £4.                          Pembroke College, New Cellars. 6pm.
writing, original adaptations and                                                                                                                                            £Free.
                                        CU STAR (Student Action for                  Friends’ Meeting House, 12, Jesus Lane
      cutting-edge comedy.                                                                                                           The Heywood Society:
                                        Refugees): Asylum panel debate featur-       (next to ADC Theatre).
                                        ing top experts.                             7:30pm.                                         An amalgamation of new writing,         Tuesday
        Thurs. 19th- Sat.               Trinity College, Winstanley Theatre                                                          original adaptations and cuttingedge    Footlights:
     21st February 7.30 pm                                                                                                           comedy.                                 CRACKING UP - the annual Spring
     Peterhouse Theatre, £3                                                                                                          Peterhouse Theatre , 7:30. £3.          Revue. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm.
                                                                                                                                                                             £5 - £7.50.
                                                                                                                                     BATS:                                   Wednesday
                                                                                                                                     Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the     CUADC:
                                                                                                                                     Speckled Band - today.                  EAST - Berkoff’s gritty East End
                                                                                                                                     Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall.      drama. ADC Theatre, 10:30pm. £3 - £4.
                                                                                                                                     11pm. £4/3.
                                                                                                                                     CUADC:                                  CRACKING UP - the annual Spring

                                                                                     SUMMER                                          THE VISIT - a tragicomedy filled with
                                                                                                                                     dark humour. ADC Theatre, .
                                                                                                                                                                             Revue. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 -

                                                                                      WORK                                           7:45pm. £5 - £7.50.

                                                                                                                                     Lady Margaret Players and
                                                                                                                                                                             CADS, CDW, Anonymous Players:
                                                                              for Cambridge University International                 Anonymous Players:                      REFLECTIONS:
                                                                               Summer Schools. Residential posts for                 Happy Days.                             Fresh thoughts on a universal theme.
                                                                                  4-7 weeks for senior Cambridge                     Beckett’s extraordinary expression      An innovative dance show about rela-
                                                                                                                                     about the mystery of human existence.   tionships.
                                                                               undergraduate and graduate students
                                                                                                                                     The Playroom, . 9:30pm. £5.50/4.        Christs College, New Court Theatre.
                                                                                     £200 per week plus college
                                                                                                                                                                             7:30pm. £3/4.
                                                                                          accommodation.                             Pembroke Players:
                                                                                                                                     HERE KITTY - a new play about sex,      CUADC:
                                                                                        For details call network:                    lies and jelly babies.                  EAST - Berkoff’s gritty East End
                                                                                        140-398 or 01954 280398                      ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3 - £4.             drama. ADC Theatre, 10:30pm. £3 - £4.

                                                                               Or write to: Resident Assistant posts,                The Heywood Society:                    Footlights:
                                                                                                                                     An amalgamation of new writing,         CRACKING UP - the annual Spring
                                                                              International Division, Madingley Hall,
                                                                                                                                     original adaptations and cuttingedge    Revue. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 -
                                                                                 Madingley, Cambridge CB3 8AQ                        comedy. Peterhouse, 7:30pm. £3.         £7.50.

                                                                                   CLOSING DATE: 31 MARCH 2004

                                  To view more listings visit
                                                                                                                                                                                                  Feb 20 2004     13
              asked parties, Savage parties, Victorian parties, Greek parties, Wild West parties, Russian parties, Circus parties, parties where

  M           one had to dress as somebody else, almost naked parties in St John's Wood, parties in flats and studios and houses and ships and
              hotels and night clubs, in windmills and swimming baths, tea parties at school where one ate muffins and meringues and tinned
crab, parties at Oxford where one drank brown sherry and smoked Turkish cigarettes, dull dances in London and comic dances in Scotland
and disgusting dances in Paris - all that succession and repetition of massed humanity... Those vile bodies... (Evelyn Waugh, 1930)

               t is all very well to throw a dinner for twenty well-chosen guests, but as Waugh wrote "We cherish our

            I  friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them." The dinner party primarily pro-
               vides a perfect opportunity for self-amusement, self-indulgence and ultimately wonderful self-satisfac-
         tion. Good planning and execution is an art that when honed to perfection, provides a kick comparable per-
         haps only to five glasses of Champagne and a dance with a beautiful man from Monaco.

         rom the outset, delight in the invitations, which must be scrawled stiff Smythson cards (, perhaps

  F      dripping in blots of pink paint (Heffers Art Shop) in anticipation of the Cy Twombly exhibition which arrives at the
         Serpentine Gallery in April. Package in airmail envelopes, or bubble wrap, and cast into the ICMS, Cambridge’s handy
alternative to delivery by hand, and cheaper than Royal Mail.

                                                                                                                                                                ablecloths should be white and heavy (Robert Sayle or the

                                     Party to a dinner                                                                                                    T     Monday Market) and serviettes are of course essential. For
                                                                                                                                                                flowers, spread pinkly tinted lilies in ostentatious vases
                                                                                                                                                       (Gabor Cossa Antiques, 34 Trumpington Street), or create tabletop
                                                                                                                                                       Japanese landscapes in almond blossom (The Flower House, 13
                                                                                                                                                       Magdalene Street). Remember candles are superior to electric light
                                                                                                                                                       for ambience and also provide material for precarious wax sculpting
                                                                                                                                                       moments, should your guests be artistically inclined (Prices candles

                                                       Assorted recommendations for a
                                                                                                                                                       from Breeze, Trinity Street). For inducing truly aesthetic moments,
                                                                                                                                                       one can also provide large blank canvases (Heffers Art Shop). Plan
                                                                                                                                                       your menu well, remembering that excess is everything. Desert pres-
                                                                                                                                                       entation must be the tour de force, for it is this that will provide the
                                                                                       truly fabulous night                                            backdrop to later merry making. Wafts of Cologne (
                                                                                                                                                       and rose water (Sainsburys) should cascade over your guests; send
                                                                                                                                                       cheeses, quince, chocolate covered cocoa beans, panettone and pan-
                                           By Blanche Blanc                                                                                            doro in heady procession across your table (Cambridge Cheese
                                                                                                                                                       Company, 4 All Saints Passage).

           rink shots of gin over pomegranate seeds between courses, present a cocktail of frozen champagne and

  D        vodka in polystyrene cups with highlightered graffiti (Sainsburys, WH Smith). Industrial production
           coffee machines provide a welcome accessory for the later hours (Robert Sayle and San Pellegrino), or
in fact any Italian branded mineral water to nourish the aesthete’s preferred irony (Limoncello, 204 Mill Road or
Trattoria Pasta Fresca - 66 Mill Road).

                                                                    ollowing the party, a communal cleaning experi-

                                                               F    ence provides a sobering experience. Grab the
                                                                    nearest Dyson with no volume control, and apply
                                                            bleach with a pashmina and pearls at five in the morning.
                                                            Leave no stain, no evidence of havoc. Furnish your guests
                                                            with memorable trinkets – energy saving light bulbs
                                                            (Sainsburys), rings hand crafted by Christophe Gordon-
                                                            Brown (01223 500627, studio at Granchester Meadows) or
                                                            delightful truffles by The Chocolate House (6 All Saints

            fter the dinner, the cleaning and the break of day, shake yourself out, give your glad rags a stiff pep talk

     A      in the nearest trouser press and then join Anthony Blanche and I in plans for High Tea. Aim to begin
            at four; champagne in gold-rimmed teacups, clockwork cake stands and Afternoon Blend. Fiends pro-
  vide the new friends and exuberant day light is the new moonlight. Raucous.
                                                                                           With thanks to Hannah Barry.

                                                                     Last Week’s Date                                                                      Date of the Week
                                                                                                                                                           Your chance to date Cambridge’s most
        Our much in demand date of the week, Amy,                                                                                                                   eligible singletons!
      chose Raphael, a 1st year law student from Caius. A
      swarthe Parisien, Raphael in his answers picked out
      Belle de Seigneuru as his favourite book, said he
      was best at ‘foiling plots’ and to pull, Amy simply                                                                                            Our man of the week is Russell
      had to choose him.                                                                                                                           Abel, a 4th year International
                                                                                                                                                   Politics student at Fitzwilliam,
        In such promising circumstances they met on                                                                                                President of the Hawks Club and
      Tuesday at B Bar, Market Passage, to get to know                                                                                             part time super-hero...
      one another over a bottle of champagne and a                                                                                                 From: Tring
      chocolate fondue.                                                                                                                            Favourite song: Bread of Heaven.
                                                                                                                                                   Favourite book: Things Fall Apart
        Of the date, Amy said 'Tres sexy, Raphael was a                                                                                            by Chinua Achebe.
      real gentleman. We had a lovely time and the fon-                                                                                            Descibe yourself in three words: pint
      due was absolutely delicious.”                                                                                                               of Stella.
        Yeah yeah whatever Amy as if you’d remember                                                                                                What I'm best at: coming second.
      the state you were in after Hawks dinner! - AG                                                                                               What I'm worst at: losing.
                                                                                                                                                   To pull me: would be most enjoyable
        But Rapheal was nonetheless charmed:
        “J'ai passé une excellente soirée. Amy est une fille
      extra et j'espere que la revoir bientôt.”                                                                                                       To date Russell email with ‘Russell’ in the title
                                                                                                                                                    by Sunday. Send answers to the same questions, your contact details
                                                                                                                                                    and a photo if possible.
   Feb 20, 2004

                                                                                                                                                                                         Andrew Gillespie
                             have actually been imprisoned once, but it       noble men - men with a gentle wisdom in their          may imply, ‘Piracy on the High Seas’ is still
                             was only overnight. It was a long time ago       sad eyes. In the best prison films, innocent men       attended by the death penalty in this country
                             and it wasn’t my fault, Guv. No, the             are finally, against all odds, set free by a team of   and even the socially acceptable ‘possesion of
                         shameful truth of the matter is, my criminal         hot-shot idealistic Lawyers, but only after            Calpol’ can result in heavy fines.

 Crime                   career started very late indeed. Unlike most
                         children, who are born savage and must be
                         tamed, I was born with an over-developed
                         sense of moral responsibility. I never stole any-
                                                                              decades of battling nobly against Prejudice
                                                                              (capital ‘P’), Injustice (capital ‘I’) and the
                                                                              omnipresent threat of a good hard Bumming
                                                                              (capital ‘B’). I learned that crime, while not
                                                                                                                                     The VarsityArts Guide to Crime and Punishment

                                                                                                                                     1. San Quentin, Cocaine, Folsom Prison Blues,
                         thing, not even penny sweets, I lectured my          exactly ‘paying’ (at least not in the Pricehouse       Delilah or any Johnny Cash before 1970
                         school friends on the perils of gambling on          Cooper-Water sense of the word) has been               2. Falconer by John Cheever.
                         fruit machines and I fell into a faint at the very   redeemed as a lifestyle choice by the possibili-       3.Prison films (The Shawshank Redemption, Cool
           and           thought of vandalising my desk with a biro.
                         This, as you may imagine, was a great burden
                                                                              ty that, with any luck, you may end up in prison
                                                                              and get to meet Morgan Freeman.
                                                                                                                                     Hand Luke, Sleepers, The Green Mile, Hurricane)
                                                                                                                                     4.Gangster Films (The Godfather part II,
                         to me. I was absolutely no fun at parties, my            Charles Bronson, Britain’s most notorious          Goodfellas, The Sopranos, Menace II Society, Boyz
                         only friend was my mother and even she called        prisoner, could have told me all this ages ago,        in da Hood, Donnie Brasco)
                         me ‘No Fun Jones’ behind my back.                    had I only been on his vistor’s list. He loves it      5. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky,
                             I tried earnestly to erode this excess of        inside. He’s having a riot (figuratively, and          6. Bad Girls, Porridge, Oz and those scenes from

Punishment               integrity, by spending every spare weekend of
                         my youth in dodgy nightclubs and on dark
                         street corners talking to shifty-looking men,
                                                                              often literally). He’s even written a book, just
                                                                              so no one else suffers under delusions similar to
                                                                              mine. The Good Prison Guide rates prison
                                                                                                                                     Birds of a Feather when Sharon and Tracey visit
                                                                                                                                     their husbands.
                                                                                                                                     7.Jailhouse Rock, Elvis Presley
                         and PVC-clad ladies - all to no avail. The more      according to the same system that more effem-          8.Death Row Records (a criminal record being
                         I saw of the sordid degradation of this world,       inate men rate hotels. Parkhurst Prison on the         practically a prerequisite for a record deal)
                         the more I yearned to reform it. This unhappy        Isle of Wight, for instance, is given the follow-      9.The Good Prison Guide by Charles Bronson -
                         state of affairs was finally resolved when, at the   ing glowing report, “The cons did their bird           “I saw another con get his eyeball ripped
                         age of 11, I saw The Shawshank Redemption for        like cons should – like men. We worked hard in         out...It was character building”
                         the first time (having been given special per-       the gym. We cooked our own grub. We had lots           10. The ‘art’ work of John Wayne Gacey -
                         mission to stay up after 8pm). Prison, it tran-      of sunbathing.”                                        sometimes it takes being banged up for serial
  Ellen E. Jones         spired, was not what I’d imagined. Instead of           Those considering jacking in their degrees          killing to fully realise your talent for drawing
                         being full of sadistic, hard-nut reprobates it is,   and embarking on a criminal career should              clown portraits.
                         in fact, chock-a-block with compassionate,           note that whatever Pirates of The Caribbean

           Literature                                                Film                                                                      Classical
           Detective Fiction                                         Cinematic Retribution                                                      Opera is punishment

           Page 21                                                   Page 16                                                                   Page 19
Ben Kingsley’s house of sand and pain

Scorsese, Figgis and Eastwood present ‘The Blues’

                                                                                                           Tarantino mark one
16 FILM          Feb 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Carrie English rates Perelman’s urban tragedy
 House of Sand and Fog                                        Ben Kingsley), who, along with his wife      potential of turning a tidy profit, repre-                     played by Kathy’s new boyfriend, Lester        understand her and fears what she may
 UK release on 27th Feb.                                      and children, was forced to abandon a        sents for him the possibility of a return                      Burdon (Ron Eldard), a sheriff who             do to her family.
                                                              luxurious life in Iran when the Shah was     to a life of dignity.                                          takes an active interest in her case from         The high-quality acting was not the
                                                              exiled. Though he works two menial              Because the stakes are so high for                          the moment he comes to evict her.              film’s only asset. Though it was Vadim
                                                              jobs he never returns home without first     both characters, neither plays entirely                        Burdon, dressed in uniform, warns              Perelman’s feature film directorial debut,

        he House of Sand and Fog is a                         changing into a suit, a vanity which the     fair. Even after the situation has been                        Behrani in front of his wife and son that      it was beautifully shot (though some-
        tragedy in the classical Greek                        Greeks would surely characterise as          explained to him by Kathy’s lawyer                             if he does not sell the house back to the      what fog-happy) and magnificently edit-
        sense. In the film, which is                          hubris. The house, which he bought           (Frances Fisher), Behrani refuses to                           county he will have them deported. And         ed. This is not to say the film was flaw-
based on Andre Dubus III‘s best-sell-                         with his last cent because it had the        return the house. But far dirtier tricks are                   that’s just a warm-up.                         less. The script, by Vadim Perelman and
ing novel of the same name, the fates                                                                                                                                        Many critics have applauded the film        Shawn Otto, faltered considerably when
are cruel, the gods are pitiless, and                                                                                                                                     because, rather than judge the charac-         it came to natural-sounding exposition.
everyone suffers in the end.                                                                                                                                              ters, it accepts that justice can be an elu-   In an early scene Kathy’s mother refers
   Yet the plot, which follows two                                                                                                                                        sive concept. Both Kathy and Behrani           familiarly to “Frankie”, adding unneces-
unglamorous people’s battle for control                                                                                                                                                                                  sarily, “your big brother”. While the end-
of a modest California bungalow, is                                                                                                                                                                                      ing did not strike me as overly melodra-
hardly epic. Jennifer Connelly plays                                                                                                                                         Kingsley’s depend-                          matic (I was teary-eyed, and the TCS
Kathy Nicolo, a house cleaner whose life                                                                                                                                                                                 reviewer was sniffling just as loudly), its
has been marred by alcoholism, addic-                                                                                                                                           able brilliance                          emotional impact was blunted because,
tion, and spousal abandonment before                                                                                                                                                                                     unlike in Greek tragedy, the final catas-
the story even begins. Things become                                                                                                                                      have moral claims to the house, and even       trophe does not seem inevitable, but
drastically worse when, in the first few                                                                                                                                  Burdon, whose zealousness on Kathy’s           forced and improbable.
minutes of the movie, she is forcibly                                                                                                                                     behalf leads to the ultimate tragedy, is          On its deepest level, the film is a com-
evicted from her house for failing to pay                                                                                                                                 often sympathetic.                             mentary on the American Dream,
business taxes. The irony is that she does                                                                                                                                   Despite the director’s obvious efforts      which has long been symbolized by a lit-

not own a business, and she is simply the                                                                                                                                 to be neutral, it was hard not to favour       tle white house with a picket fence. In
victim of a bureaucratic error. Error or                                                                                                                                  the Behranis. This was due not only to         this story, the American cannot hold
not, her house is sold at auction before                                                                                                                                  Kingsley’s dependable brilliance but also      onto the dream because the excesses of a
she even has time to speak to a lawyer,                                                                                                                                   to Shohreh Aghdashloo’s excellent,             wealthy society have led to her downfall,
and Kathy is out on the street.                                                                                                                                           wide-eyed performance as Behrani’s             but she is unwilling to share the dream
   The new owner of the house is                                                                                                                                          compassionate wife, who offers Kathy           with immigrants. In the absence of a
Colonel Massoud Amir Behrani (Sir                                                                                                                                         hospitality even though she cannot             dream, they share a nightmare.

         riginally broadcast on the                           in which the roots of the blues are traced   prior to this had largely been ignored by                      Americans to listen to the music of the        particular moment the blues was reinter-
         American channel, PBS, The                           from the Mississipi Delta to the banks of    many Americans. The results do not dis-                        ‘original’ blues players that had largely      preted abroad and reintroduced in a new
         Blues is a series of seven per-                      the Niger River in Mali. The film fea-       appoint. (Figgis was in fact once a minor                      developed in their own homeland. Eric          form that was universally embraced".
sonal, historical and at times impres-                        tures rare archival footage of blues         part of this scene himself – he played in                      Clapton describes how he considered               B.B. King, one of the last remaining
sionistic films by famous directors,                          giants, Son House, Muddy Waters and          a blues band with Bryan Ferry). Eric                           himself an ‘ambassador’ who was on a           great bluesmen of his generation,
exploring and paying homage to –                              John Lee Hooker, as well as new per-         Clapton, John Mayall, Mick Fleetwood,                          mission to promote the blues.                  poignantly speculates that had it not
arguably - one of the most influential                        formances by Willie King, Taj Mahal          a somewhat detached Peter Green and                               The film is interspersed with live ses-     been for the success of the British stars
genres of music.                                              and Ali Farka Toure.                         Lonnie Donnegan are amongst those                              sion footage of virtuoso guitarist Jeff        that preached the blues, the door to his
   Indeed, the directors all share a lively                      The film that I felt most compelled to    interviewed and are seen here discussing                       Beck (go and see the film for his playing      own and other great blues artists’ popu-
passion for the music, and the series was                     go and see was Mike Figgis’ Red, White       the enormous impact that American                              alone), Tom Jones(!), Van Morrison and         larity and success would never have been
generated under the guiding hand of                           and Blues. Figgis decided that his contri-   blues artists had upon their own music                         Lulu(!!) playing blues standards in            open in his lifetime. Fascinating.
keen blues devotee, Martin Scorsese. It is                    bution would involve revisiting the ‘60s     and the incalculable debt owed to them.                        Abbey Road Studios. Figgis says:                                  By Rebecca Bundhun
Scorsese himself that directs the first                       British Invasion that reintroduced the          Nevertheless, the blues-based British                       "Hopefully the resulting recording ses-            Further information on the series can be
film of the series, Feel Like Going Home,                     blues sound to America, a sound that         music actually, in turn, inspired many                         sion will shine some light on why at a                    found at

    Crime Watch                                                                                            Kat Harrington’s College Film of the week
                           Crime and Punishment
                                                                                                                  ix years after Jackie Brown,                            brings to the screen. However the House        genius soundtrack and nods to the many
                                                                                                                  Quentin Tarantino delivers this                         of Blue Leaves showdown and Chiaki             genres involved). The cliffhanger ending
                                                                                                                  savage revenge fairy tale, which                        Kuriyama’s deliciously deadly turn as a        will leave you panting for more, so you’d
  Lars Von Trier’s latest film Dogville,                      in the case.’ This ‘other element’ is the    elevates the B movie to A grade pop                            seventeen-year-old schoolgirl assassin         better wipe the blood off your face and
  has one of the most satisfying end-                         psyche: in film as in literature, if the     art.                                                           are worth the ticket price alone.              sharpen you’re daito because Volume 2 is
  ings I have ever seen. In it, a town-                       characters are not simply labelled from         Kill Bill combines varied styles and                           Empty technique? Maybe, but its             out soon.
  ship of the vilest ‘everymen’ is entire-                    the outset either ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ we are    genres into a melange of cinematic ref-                        none stop and Tarantino doesn’t miss a                Kill Bill Volume One is showing at
  ly annihilated – and I was glad. Here                       asked to consider them separately            erences from 70’s Kung Fu and                                  trick in delivering it to us (check out the                    Christ’s Sunday 22nd Feb.
  is one of the better examples of cine-                      from their crimes and seek motivation        Kurosawa samurai, to gritty westerns
  matic retribution: the punishment                           in the dark recesses of human psychol-       and even Anime. The result: a lush,
  fit the crime like a glove.                                 ogy. These are the ‘exceptional’ mur-        eye boggling action flick. Just turn off
     I can’t say I was expecting such a                       derers, the Hannibal Lecters and             your brain and tune in to the beautiful
  satisfactory end, for despite the sim-                      Patrick Batemans, whose charms and           (if blood soaked) visuals.
  plistic good versus bad dichotomy                           ‘intellect’ raise their status from
  evident in most films, one often feels                      human beings to ubermensch.                    A lush, eye-boggling
  cheated out of proper retribution.                              Of course, the ‘good’ are not nearly
  And if good does triumph over evil,                         so interesting to characterise – some-              action flick
  it is usually in a formulaic manner.                        thing extra has to be added, hence the
      Besides, less energy is put into the                    internal conflicts dogging most litiga-          Uma Therman plays the uber-cool
  characterisation of the ‘goodies’; as                       tors in mawkish legal yarns such as          wispy blond warrior Black Mamba who
  audiences we are constantly being                           Primal Fear. Here the crime and the          decides to quit the Deadly Viper
  asked to reconsider the motivations                         punishment take secondary place to           Assassination Squad (DiVAS) to play
  and psychologies of gangsters and                           the characterisation of the lawyer.          happy families. On her wedding day her
  murderers, even, in the case of Fight                          As a spectator, having expended a         aforementioned cohorts decide to stab
  Club, to revere them for their                              certain amount of interest and emo-          her in the back. Unfortunately for them
  unabashed championing of primordial                         tion in a character over two hours, I        she survives the blood bath and after

  drives. As Dostoyevsky says in his                          want the escapist’s ending: blood from       four years in a coma wakes up with only
  own Crime and Punishment, the con-                          the sinner and vindication for the           one thing on her mind… getting even.
  vict is considered ‘not quite like an                       sinned against.                                 This proves to be a pretty gory busi-
  ordinary murderer and robber, but                                                  By Laura Allsop       ness. Be warned, THAT needle
  that there [is usually] another element                                                                  sequence in Pulp Fiction won’t have pre-
                                                                                                           pared you for the utter carnage Kill Bill
Look who’s Tolkien now...

The Gallery of Lost Art                                                                                                                         Introducing Durer
                                                                                                                                                                FILM / VISUAL ARTS
                                                                                                                                                                                                   Feb 20, 2004     17

An alternative view of the Academy Awards
        he Lord of the Rings trilogy,      in translation) pip him for the for-                                                                                                           istically recalcitrant thus far, any
        largely ignored at the acade-      mer, then the current 2/1 widely                                                                                                               spread of five or lower on LOTR for
        my awards for the past two         available may look value. Tim                                                                                                                  total Oscars should be reacted to
years, looks set to sweep the board        Robbins is best priced 4/6 with                                                                                                                like an Ethiopian in an all you can
at the Oscars. The Oscar                   Ladbrokes to win best supporting                                                                                                               eat buffet.
Ceremony is that time of year when         actor, though Alec Baldwin (the
everyone’s attention turns to

                                           cooler), 3/1 with Ladbrokes but 6/1                                                                                                                   s the event draws nearer
Hollywood, including the book-             with Corals, is a genuine DYM                                                                                                                         Cantor, Sporting Index et al
makers.                                    (double your money) outsider.                                                                                                                         will likely produce some
   While celebrity events have regu-         Charlize Theron is widely report-                                                                                                            special markets on speech length,
larly been huge fare for the bookies,      ed to have effectively accepted her                                                                                                            tears, most revealing dress, most
our friends upon the other side of         academy award already for her por-                                                                                                             people claiming to have been
the counter view awards ceremonies                                                                                                                                                        abused at never never land etc.
nervously. They fear Oscar night has                                                                                                                                                        The smart punter will avoid
more leaks than a one bedroom flat           LOTR looks set to                                                                                                                            attempting to steal money on what
in Tower Hamlets, and that this will                                                                                                                                                      seem like certainties at ridiculously
lead to enormous windfalls for pun-         sweep the board at                                                                                                                            short prices, and bide his time for
ters in the know. This inevitably                                                                                                                                                         the genuine opportunity. This week’s
leads to very short odds, and punters
                                               the Oscars                                                                                                                                 Bafta awards may have provided a
are left like a blind man at a strip                                                                                                                                                      few clues as to which of the odds on
show- you’re not quite sure where to       trayal of a serial killer in Monster.                                                                                                          favourites is most likely to fail to
place your money.                          However,      Diane      Keaton    is                                                                                                          graduate from the academy.
   We all know Lord of the Rings will      approaching strong on the rails,                                                                                                                 Recommended         bets:    Diane
win best picture, with odds shorter        judged only a 3/1 shot by corals yet                                                                                                           Keaton 2pts 4/1 best actress, Alec

than the list of people willing to         5.11/1 on the ever excellent Betfair,                                                                                                          Baldwin 1pts 6/1 best supporting
attest to Gary Glitter’s good charac-      so something’s gotta give.                                                                                                                     actor, LOTR ten times unit stake
ter. Best priced 1/4 with Ladbrokes.          The Baftas sees Anne Reid’s per-                                                                                                            buy on number of Oscars (probably
   Even more of a certainty looks to       formance as an older women re-dis-                                                                                                             around 4.5-5).
be Peter Jackson (2/11) as best            covering her sexuality (The Mother)
director, and few can begrudge him.        and Naomi Watt’s portrayal of                                                                                                                                        Jamie Martin
He’s someone with a name that              Prince Harry’s average weekend (21                        Oscar hopeful Robbins for the best         the less mainstream Oscars. The
needs a break at the moment. Sean          grams) neck and neck at 6/4 best                          supporting Bafta, and Lord of the          Barbarian Invasions look a good bet         The 76th annual Academy Awards
Penn (Mystic River) is more fancied        price with Bluesq.                                        Rings is set for a double best film        even at 1/3 to sweep the best foreign     are being shown on Sunday, February
for the Oscar (4/6) than the Bafta            Cambridge       graduate,     Ian                      catch at 1/5.                              film Oscar, and though the spread                                29th on abc.
(4/5), and should Bill Murray (Lost        McKellen, looks likely to cruise past                       Perhaps best value can be found in       betting firms are being uncharacter-

 Dawn Tunstall on the Case of the World’s                                                                                                       Art Critic Frank Whitford
 Missing Masterpieces                                                                                                                           re-evaluates a medieval artist
                                                                                                     and restored to its former position.                n    eclectic     group     of   nation for his own image, Durer
                                                                                                        Most of the works on display are                 Cantabrians gathered in the      may hold a certain familiarity to
                                                                                                     permanent features, made famous by                  upper reaches of Jesus           many Cambridge lads about town.
                                                                                                     their lamented absence from the art        College last Thursday, for a talk by      But it is in this self-representation
                                                                                                     scene. Rather than being hidden away       Sunday Times Art Critic, Frank            that Mr Whitford believes Durer
                                                                                                     in some secret location, inauthentic       Whitford, hosted by the CU Visual         wielded the importance of the
                                                                                                     copies and illegal acquisitions are        Arts Society. Mr Whitford, a grad-        artist, a figure largely under-rated
                                                                                                     accessible to all, though no cameras       uate of the other place and the           in his home of Nuremberg.
                                                                                                     are allowed to record their existence.     author of definitive works on artists     However, even the eminent Frank
                                                                                                        Natural catastrophes and the            such as Schiele and Kandinsky,            Whitford admits to being at the
                                                                                                     havoc of War cause widespread              admits to being irritated by art of       beginning of this acquaintance with
                                                                                                     devastation, wiping out life and art       the 20th and 21st Centuries and so,       the man behind the talent. Well
                                                                                                     in a matter of seconds. In terms of        in his recent research, delves into       worth taking a moment’s Google-
                                                                                                     organised crime, art theft ranks just      the past.                                 searching to see for yourself. A par-
                                                                                                     under drugs and arms dealing, mak-            And indeed, Mr Whitford’s cho-         ticular piece to look out for is
                                                                                                     ing up a massive £3 billion business       sen artist, Albrecht Durer, was born      Durer’s remarkable self-portrait,
                                                                                                     in today’s world. Don’t think of           in 1471, and was most celebrated in       painted in the apocalyptic year
                                                                                                     Thomas Crown - the idea of the             his day for his graphic works.            1500 at the age of 28.
                                                                                                     ‘gentleman thief’ is outdated: art         However, even with the passing of
                                                                                                     theft is a huge underground trade.         half a millennium, many still                                  Sarah Williams

   n the blockbuster movie Titanic,        gallery of the mind is in some way                        Although there is no readily avail-        believe him to be the most famous
   James Cameron depicts one of            invaluable or illegitimate. This muse-                    able market for the most well-             of all German artists. Do not imag-
   the most celebrated paintings of        um houses all the glories of Atlantis                     known works, many pieces are               ine stuffy subdued works that only
the last century, Picasso’s Les            and Pompeii, and a wealth of other                        stolen to order for private collec-        your granny could love. Durer’s art
Demoiselles d’Avignon, being lost          desirous pieces including Blake’s                         tors. Stately homes and public gal-        still retains an understanding of its
with the ship. Imagine this painting       destroyed manuscripts, Aristotle’s                        leries are regular targets for careful-    subject matter and an engagement
had never been discovered. An              book on Comedy, Da Vinci’s master-                        ly planned heists, such as the sky-        with reality that is remarkably
important pre-cursor to the avant-         piece Leonardo’s Madonna, stolen                          light robbery of a £3 million              advanced; indeed Whitford argues
garde, what would have happened            during a raid on a Scottish Castle last                   Cezanne painting from an Oxford            that Durer could be regarded under
to the notion of the primative.            year, and every forged, frameless                         collection in June 2000, a theft           a Modern guise...quite a claim!
Every year, art is lost to us , whether    painting that has escaped detection.                      which stunned the police and public            As piece after piece is considered,
through war, natural disaster, theft, or   Every art work that has been thrown                       alike. It is relatively simple to          it becomes clear that Durer seemed
the inability to transform artistic        out, deemed worthless, is recovered                       transport illegal art abroad and           to be anticipating modern trends
ideas into something concrete.             by the gallery and given pride of                         incongruity between UK ownership           centuries before many more cele-
Jonathan Jones, writer for The             place. This museum is always open,                        laws and those of other European           brated artists had even been born.
Guardian, theorises about a virtual        and has infinite space for pieces old                     countries is an added incentive for        He not only self-publicised and dis-
museum housing the world’s van-            and new alike. There are no surveil-                      thieves. This is the sad reality of dis-   tributed his work, but fought
ished works. According to Jones, “the      lance cameras or guards on watch,                         appearing art. The Gallery of Lost         against plagiarism and formulated
most celebrated works of art are the       although sometimes art goes missing -                     Art exists only in a virtual realm, a      new terms to discuss the art he was       For more information about forthcom-
ones that don’t exist anymore.”            not through theft but because it has                      place where all the world’s missing        creating. A natural talent, mani-         ing speakers, visit:
Everything on exhibition in the            been discovered by the outside world                      pieces are immortalised.                   fested from childhood, with a fasci-
                           It’s Oh So Quiet

                           A Krafty Kut Above the Rest

                                                                                                                                                                      This is a Warning
                           18 MUSIC         Feb 20 , 2004                                                                                                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Five Tragic
                           Jon Swaine hears Damien Rice loud and clear                                                                                                                                                                        Rock ‘n’ Roll
                           For a man so obviously burdened with           melody and lucidity - third on the setlist.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Courtesy of Beatwax PR
                           every care in the world, it is with a
                           markedly delicate, unassuming charm
                                                                          Combined with the stripped simplicity
                                                                          of a revolving glitter ball, slowly reflect-
                           that Damien Rice takes his stage.              ing four white spotlights around the the-                                                                                                                            Some of our musical legends
                           Hurriedly affixing and tuning; hum-            atre, the result is, in no exaggerated                                                                                                                               have died tragically young. This
                           ble, gracious but never embarrassed,           terms, pin-drop silence.                                                                                                                                             week Varsity takes a look at how
                           one can’t help but wonder how easily he           So the precedent is set; the perform-                                                                                                                             five rock stars met their maker.
                           has made sense of the acclaim, sales           ance continues as the gut-wrenching
                           and awards bequeathed upon O, a set            refrains of Older Chests and The Blower’s                                                                                                                            1. In a Plane Crash
                           of songs essentially composed as bed-          Daughter are met with such stunned
                           room catharsis.                                muteness that any inadvertent shoe-                                                                                                                                     Buddy Holly was only 22 when
                              Yet it is precisely his personal scale of   squeaker is mercilessly hissed into sub-                                                                                                                             he decided to hire a private plane
                           creation that has rendered Rice so inad-       mission. The tension is broken only by                                                                                                                               to replace his tour bus, which was
                           vertently accessible to all. His audience,     Rice’s inebriated anecdotal charm; inti-                                                                                                                             having heating problems. Turned
                           a wildly varied demographic of                 mate tales of rescued seagulls, wasted                                                                                                                               out his plane got a lot hotter than
                           Oxbridge students mingling casually            schooldays and underwater breath-                                                                                                                                    he would have liked when it
                           amongst middle-aged Dido-financiers is         holding are put to effective use, prevent-                                                                                                                           crashed shortly after take off,
                           testament to this, and to his outright         ing the intense austerity of the night’s                                                                                                                             killing not only him but also
                           refusal to being hackneyed into Drive-         proceedings from ever becoming over-           beautiful I Remember, a collective swoon     upon his audience an interpretation of                                   Richie ‘La Bamba’ Valens and
                           Time banality. Whether he likes it or          bearing.                                       is tangibly directed at her waif-like sil-   Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah of such                                       The Big Bopper.
                           not, Damien Rice is fast becoming a fer-          The magnificent vocals of Lisa              houette from every corner.                   haunting poignance so as to dumb-
                           vid everyman to a jaded public aching          Hannigan, far too resplendent to ever be          As the closing chords of a tri-           found 1300 witnesses into wide-eyed                                      2. Arguing with your Dad
                           for some musical permanence.                   classed as ‘backing’, are deserving of a       umphant Cold Water fade, presumed            incredulity. Without a hint of arro-
                              It is difficult to find fault with a per-   review all on their own. Her ability to        by most to mark the end of an aston-         gance, Damien Rice accepts the song                                         Marvin Gaye always had a
                           formance so bold and consistently              constantly hit unfeasibly difficult notes is   ishing evening, there is again sudden,       as a symbolic baton from those before                                    troubled relationship with his
                           accomplished as to think nothing of            matched throughout the night by her            inexplicable silence. Barely amplified,      him. Rarely has there been a man                                         Reverend father. It got a lot
                           placing Amie - a crescendo of pathos,          versatility. As she takes the lead for the     a horizontal Rice proceeds to bestow         more worthy of it.                                                       worse when, after an argument
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               over an insurance bill, Marvin
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Gay(e) Senior shot his son dead.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               3. Going for a swim

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 In 1997 Jeff Buckley walked
                           Henry Bowen talks to the Brighton breakbeat maestro                                                                                                                                                                 into the Mississippi river in the
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               middle of the night for a swim.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               He never walked out again and
                                                                                                                         than blowing people’s minds.”                says: “I listen to all sorts, funk, jazz, a lot                          his body was never found.
Courtesy of Fingerlickin

                                                                                                                            He describes his style as “something      of hiphop, a bit of house, I scan through
                                                                                                                         I’ve created myself. Breaks is a great       the radio to listen to what’s going on,                                  4. Taking a ride in a Mini
                                                                                                                         form of club music now, and hiphop’s         rather than taking my influence directly
                                                                                                                         my first love: it’s really good trying to    from certain people. I like funk music, so                                 In 1977 Marc Bolan was being
                                                                                                                         balance the two, and I think people quite    I wanted to make a modern version of                                     driven home by his girlfriend
                                                                                                                         like that. I can start off with hip-hop,     what funk is.”                                                           when she wrapped their mini
                                                                                                                         and drop in some breaks and maybe a bit         So what can we expect when he                                         around a tree. She survived, but
                                                                                                                         of drum ‘n’ bass.”                           comes to Cambridge? “The show con-                                       her music legend boyfriend sadly
                                                                                                                            As for the breakbeat sound which he’s     sists of two DJs and four MCs, includ-                                   didn’t.
                           Krafty Kuts is no stranger to the                 Krafty cites his deejay influences as       so heavily involved with, he seems           ing legendary American jungle lyricist
                           decks. His first time behind Technics          Jazzy Jeff, Cash Money, Grandmaster            pleased that it’s “branching out to clubs    TC Izlam. Lots of party funky hiphop,                                    5. On the toilet
                           was in a competition aged 17. He got           Flash, all the old-skool hiphop DJs. “I        like Gatecrasher; people are hearing         lots of interaction with the crowd, just a
                           through to the finals. Since then he’s         think that people should learn from the        quality music, trance for me is like pop     good funky atmosphere. It sends a good                                     Elvis: Fat, bloated, on a toilet,
                           earnt a reputation as a skilled deck           really well known DJs, but create your         music. But I don’t think breakbeat’s as      message.”                                                                burger in hand.
                           wizard and a prolific breakbeat pro-           own style. My style is somewhere               commercially acceptable as trance and
                           ducer. His latest project is new album         between Cash Money and DJ Premier.             disco house music. That’s got broader            Catch Krafty Kuts on the Tricka                                         RIP our rock and roll greats
                           Tricka Technology, a funky hip-hop             I’m more into the funky side of things,        appeal, it’s what the kids want to hear.”        Technology tour at the Fez Club
                           mash-up with sidekick, A Skillz.               so I like to keep things digestable rather        As for his production influences, he               on Tuesday 24th February

                           Reviews                                                                                                                                    Max Baillie at the Junction
                                                                                                                                                                      I’m no drum ‘n’ bass fanatic, though I
                           Aloud – Bob O’Lean                                                                                                                         love it for dancing, so as I head out of
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Alex Mair

                           Open/Ministry of Sound, 23rd February                                                                                                      town I don’t have expectations of the
                                                                                                                                                                      select line-up for Warning’s 9th
                              No, not Girls Aloud. Bob O’Lean is the first single from a concept album by the                                                         Birthday. When I get there it doesn’t
                           pioneering Parisian disco-teers, Aloud, about a man named… Bob O’Lean.                                                                     seem anything special - breakbeats
                           Apparently Bob is losing his mind (he’s ‘bubbling insane’) because he’s always had                                                         heavy, beats too indistinct, submerged
                           everything he’s ever wanted – sex, sun and the whole enchilada – but he’s not                                                              under a fat distorted wave of bass
                           happy. Thankfully, the track doesn’t focus too much on the story. It has some rea-                                                         vibrations. Still, I’m enjoying dancing.
                           sonably dirty beats and a low-down 70s male vocal: all in all, a very neat piece of                                                        After a good, but unremarkable, set
                           electro-disco-funk. It’s a fun track, but Aloud might want to let the concept album                                                        with Skibadee, the Ragga Twins come
                           concept slide – we just don’t care enough about Bob.                                                                                       on stage, working up the crowd energy
                                                                                               Amy Stockwell                                                          over some awesome jungle tunes.
                                                                                                                                                                         By 3am, when we’re getting worked                                   without moving their feet off the floor
                                                                                                                                                                      up into a single sweating Dionysian                                    and are always in groups of 3; a few of
                           Kasabian – Reason Is Treason                                                                                                               mass, Dynamite and Fabio take over.                                    your standard hip clubgoers; the odd
                           BMG, 23rd February                                                                                                                         Dynamite’s flow is mad: flowing synco-                                 hippie; geezers who don’t take off their
                                                                                                                                                                      pations and phrasing that doesn’t just go                              zipped up jackets or beanies and neither
                              All I know about Kasabian is that they are synonymous with the devil-spawn pur-                                                         with the regular time of the music, but                                sweat nor dance. All these, and the odd
                           veyors of boredom named Chikinki. And fuck me if they don’t sound exactly the                                                              across even sets of beats. He imitates                                 random and rhythmless balding 45 year
                           same – murky bass, clumsy mash-up of synth and guitar, ‘I’m Lou Reed, hear me roar!’                                                       samples and then lets rip with a million                               old, make up the mixed bag you’ll invari-
                           vocals. It’s disappointing to hear a band fill the rollicking first minute with a hint of                                                  mile an hour verbal hurricane.                                         ably find at a commercial d’n’b night.
                           invention and rough hewn chaos, and then proceeding to play exactly the same thing                                                            Meanwhile we’re all loving it, no trace                             They were all out in full force last
                           for the rest of the song, before it collapses under its own aimless Scream-a-like tedi-                                                    of agro in the place. Reebok Classics                                  Saturday, feeding off the night’s snow-
                           um. Trying to sound identical to The Cooper Temple Clause, who have two good                                                               boys with their baseball caps, sportswear,                             balling energy until 4am.
                           songs and nice hair, is no way to build a career in 2004 when everyone’s getting down                                                      chains and earrings; painted girls with                                   Don’t miss Roni Size on March 25th.
                           to Franz Ferdinand, and it’s no way to get me to notice their insipid post-sludge wank.                                                    streaked blond hair and heels, who seem                                Two days of ringing in my ears worth it?
                                                                                                        Sam Elliot                                                    to manage dancing to the raging beats                                  Definitely.
Bach takes you on a rollercoaster

A premiere production                                                                                                                                Opera is punishment
                                                                                                                                                                                                            Feb 20, 2004       19

Ciarán Jenkins interviews renowned tenor Anthony Rolfe Johnson

            ach’s music is perfect; cas-      early in the morning to avoid the sound     invaluable. After a while he absorbed

                                                                                                                                         Ria Cooke
            cades of notes are absolute-      of Gulf-bound jets flying overhead.         Austrian methods, and was “singing G-
            ly in the right place”.           There should be no fighter planes to        sharps which were ripping across the
Anthony Rolfe Johnson has a high              contest with on Saturday night, inter-      music. I’d then reached a point at which
opinion of Bach, and one senses that          national terrorists permitting. He will     I was at home with the Austro-German
he treats singing Bach’s music as an          be accompanied, however, by                 sound. I was simply opening my mouth
honour. There was a genuine excite-           Cambridge’s foremost ‘historically          and letting the sound come out”.
ment in his voice and glimmer in his          informed’ ensemble, Cu3e.                      ARJ sees expression and passion as
eyes as he discussed the forthcoming             ARJ knows little as yet about his        fundamental to making music, and
performance of St Matthew Passion in          accompanying ensemble, but is general-      he finds most music attractive if he
which he will sing the part of                ly enthusiastic about the concept of        can detect these qualities.        I was
Evangelist. His zest for music and elo-                                                   curious to know whether, having now
quent expression of his love of Bach                                                      retired from the staged opera scene,
cut through the drab Cambridge driz-               I’d like to sing                       he would consider becoming part of
zle. Here was a man advocating                                                            the ‘classical-pop’ crossover bubble
expression and passion in music, and             Classic Jazz, some                       and releasing an album which may
the more I conversed with him the                  Ella Fitzgerald                        appeal to a wider audience. “I would
more excited I became about the prop-                                                     consider it, I’ve always wanted to do
sect of hearing him sing.                              maybe                              it. I’d like to sing classic jazz, some
   His participation in the Passion                                                       Ella Fitzgerald maybe.”
should inject the Cambridge concert           striving for ‘authentic’ performances:         Unlike many classical musicians he is
scene with some much needed experi-           “It’s a very nice thing to have, we don’t   not inherently against the concept of
ence, and the audience should have that       know much about how things were             developing a broader audience for clas-
rare honour of hearing a thoroughly           done but we can guess. Using baroque        sical music through the crossover mar-
prepared performance. ARJ is well             pitch makes so much difference”.            ket, though he stresses that there is a
aware of the difficulties of singing Bach:    Despite the fervent debate about            fundamental difference between
“Do not underestimate it, be as fit as you    whether ‘historically informed perform-     Pavarotti and Russell Watson, “there is
can because it takes you on a rollercoast-    ances’ are any more authentic than con-     no contest” he remarks. We can guess
er ride, it is the hardest thing to sing      temporary interpretations of baroque        which one he prefers. One senses that
because it is the simplest of things”, and    music, ARJ is adamant that devices such     Anthony Rolfe Johnson would be at
in singing the role of Evangelist he will     as the use of baroque pitch are much        home singing classical or jazz. His
be able to count on his experience of         more than a gimmick, “It just feels         unadulterated passion for music, com-
singing the role in the past.                 right” he insists.                          bined with an exemplary level of pro-
   He considers a performance of The             As for his interpretation of Bach, he    fessionalism, are qualities which would
Passion in 1991 at the Queen Elizabeth        claims that the experience he gained        impress any audience.
Hall among his most memorable per-            from singing German baroque music in
formances, not least because it had to        Austria and Germany whilst initially          St Matthew Passion, Trinity College
be recorded for commercial release            coming to grips with the style was          Chapel, Feb 21, 6.30 pm.

 The Tempest, Thomas Adès

                                              nostalgic tonality in the midst of all      changes; the music turns achingly beau-                            ccording to Radio 4, a judge in     cello. Oh, and we could teach them to
 Royal Opera House, 10 Feb                    the invention – but the soundworld he       tiful during the love scenes of Ferdinand                          the USA has introduced a new        read and write while we’re at it.
                                              has created is strikingly new.              and Miranda, as chains of suspensions                              disciplinary system for those          6) Crime: Chopsticks (the tune, we
                                                 It evolves out of imaginative            soar through the orchestra; and the                        charged with civil disorder offences        have no issue with the oriental eating
                                              responses to Shakespeare’s play and to      story’s threads are cunningly tied togeth-                 for playing music too loud: compul-         implements.)

        homas Adès’ new opera will            the specially written libretto by the       er with the help of a quasi-baroque pas-                   sory listening to opera. His reason-           Punishment: Cutting off the fingers
        surprise anyone expecting             Australian playwright Meredith              sacaglia in the ensemble near the end.                     ing is that if the prosecuted inflict       of the annoying amateur ‘pianist’ and
        something as off-the-wall as his      Oakes. Oakes’ rhyming and half-                Moritz Junge’s set and costume                          their music on society, he should           replacing them with actual chopsticks.
last stage offering, the succès de scandale   rhyming couplets simplify the original      designs echo the originality of the score;                 inflict his music on them. The              That’ll teach ‘em.
that was Powder Her Face. Compared            text so that the music can shine out,       the set is intermittently electrified by                   judge’s eye-for-an-eye, or rather aria-        7) Crime: Choral Music Societies
to the frenetic sensationalism of that        but they also add an appealingly archa-     laser beams and neon lights, and the                       for-a-rap attitude, has caused quite a      comprised entirely of old ladies with
work, The Tempest has the whiff of a          ic quality. The music plays an equally      gigantic opening and closing book at the                   stir. Apparently some are even con-         fatal vibrato, which is a frightening
composer reaching greater maturity;           important role in the story telling:        centre of the stage is used to great effect,               verting to the classical cause and          musical manifestation of their state of
the orchestral textures here are subtler,     sequential, chromatic           windings    while, breathtakingly, aerial dancers                      from that moment on prefer Handel           near death.
the vocal lines less garish, and the story    emphasise Prospero’s self-absorption;       appear to swim through the air.                            to hip-hop. Here are Varsity’s top 10          Punishment: Confiscating their
line, of course, is altogether less risqué    the lovers Ferdinand and Miranda are           The cast list is mouth-watering.                        musical crimes, and suggestions for         Werther’s Originals.
– no risk of fellatio in Shakespeare.         united by the way their melodies both       Simon Keenlyside makes a striding                          punishment…                                    8) Crime: Techno panpipe buskers.
   I can’t think of a composer more           move in equal note values; Ariel and        and authoritative Prospero, who is                            1) Crime: Classical Music cliques.       This particular brand of busker can be
suited to the subject matter in hand:         Caliban, the non-humans, share a sim-       finally overcome by the power of the                       The self-congratulatory world of            found outside Boots playing, amongst
Adès knows exactly how to invoke a            ilar harmonic language.                     love between Ferdinand and Miranda;                        Cambridge’s Classical inner circle.         other tragedies, a panpipe version of the
world bristling with new sounds,                 The dramatic pacing throughout is        Ian Bostridge as the pitiable Caliban                         Punishment: To sustain a conversa-       Match of the Day theme tune. Their
bringing Prospero’s otherworldly              brilliant; and there are theatrical         delivers his tenor role with consum-                       tion for five minutes without using the     absolute blindness in the face of even
island to life. Some of his trademarks        moments to treasure. The song Five          mate sensitivity and skill. The biggest                    phrase “one time on NYO…”                   the most basic musical standards
make welcome appearances – delicate           fathoms deep has a luminous intensity,      ovation at the premiere, however, went                        2) Crime: Charlotte Church’s record      extends to an optimism that someone
tintinnabulations, the swish of a hi-         and is performed by Ariel atop a book-      to the American soprano Cyndia                             contract. Since when have angels sung       might actually buy one of their CDs.
hat, and above all the presence of a          like structure that revolves as the scene   Sieden, who, as Ariel, played a touchy                     Danny Boy?                                     Punishment: Death by lethal
                                                                                          punk-cum-sprite and negotiated her                            Punishment: The young Welsh              injection.
                                                                                          vocal and physical acrobatics with daz-                    singer should be made to face the fact         9) Crime: Out of tune chanting in
                                                                                          zling brilliance – I barely knew that                      that despite her recent accolade there      football and rugby matches, when an
                                                                                          top Es, Fs and Gs could be sung, let                       are many better bums in showbiz.            attempt at pitching a note equates to an
                                                                                          alone so beautifully. All the rest of the                     3) Crime: Herbert Howells.               adolescent squeal or a boozy grunt.
                                                                                          cast, including Covent Garden veter-                          Punishment: Harmony lessons.             Neither result is desirable, particularly in
                                                                                          ans Philip Langridge and Gwynne                               4) Crime: Restaurant music. I think      close proximity.
                                                                                          Howell, deserve acclaim, as does the                       particularly of the wonderful five second      Punishment: A meat pie from an in-
                                                                                          ROH orchestra, who seem on great                           excerpt from The Snowman, ‘Indianised’      stadium fast-food point; few survive
                                                                                          form under the composer’s baton.                           on a sitar and played on loop for ninety    such an ordeal.
                                                                                             The opera’s final tableau, touching                     minutes in Café Naz and La Tasca’s             10) Crime: Classic FM TV. There’s
                                                                                          in the way only Adès can be, will stay                     Spanish version of Backstreet Boys.         only so many times you can watch
                                                                                          long in my mind: the harmony takes                            Punishment: The restaurant man-          scantily clad women pretending to play
                                                                                          on an otherworldly feel again, and                         agers should be forced to endure both       musical instruments whilst gyrating
                                                                                          Caliban picks up the tattered crown                        Aled Jones and the Backstreet Boys in       around as if taking part in a wet t-shirt
                                                                                          and places it on his scalp, king at last,                  English, whilst eating jellied eels.        competition (honest).
                                                                                          while Ariel’s vocalisations whirl merri-                      5) Crime: Playing the Viola.                Punishment: Put on your clothes and
                                                                                          ly into the ether.                                            Punishment: Compulsory tuition on        play some proper music.
                                                                                                                    James Halliday                   another (proper) instrument, such as the       Ciarán Jenkins & James Crawford
                                                                      Clive Barda
Money, Greed, Revenge etc etc etc..

Which way to the Playroom?                                                                                                                         Cat-astrophic...

Eeeeh, the youth of today...

20 THEATRE     Feb 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                                             

Nadia Kamil wonders if it was worth the visit
                                                                                                    The Visit                                      typed caricatures and bring out the          caricatures and obvious theatrical
                                                                                                    ADC Theatre, 17-21 Feb, 7.45pm                 best of this play, namely the priest         devices; other parts are more natura-
                                                                                                                                                   (Tim Froggart) and the police inspec-        listic in form, which doesn’t fit the
                                                                                                                                                   tor (Hanna Thomas). Credit also to           tone of the play. The set designer has
                                                                                                                                                   the chorus, who brought out the more         very cleverly constructed a rather

                                                                                                            millionairess returns to her           entertaining elements with energetic         cunning set: it’s a shame the scene
                                                                                                            poverty-stricken home town             and enjoyable performances. Alex             changes are so laborious and ill con-
                                                                                                            with the promise of a rather           Lamont is consistently strong and            sidered.
                                                                                                    large endowment to rebuild its                                                                 There are some very good moments
                                                                                                    economy. On one condition: that
                                                                                                    justice is served.
                                                                                                                                                    “extreme caricatures                        in this production, some points to
                                                                                                                                                                                                really make you laugh, and other
                                                                                                       The comic potential of this play is              and obvious                             moments where you can really feel an
                                                                                                    there in the text, but unfortunately it                                                     endearment to the pathetic town.
                                                                                                    never seems to make itself fully                 theatrical devices”                        However, they are just moments; the
                                                                                                    apparent in performance. Perhaps this                                                       production does not flow as a whole
                                                                                                    is due to the language being that of           believable as the rich old Claire            and with a very Brechtian conclusion
                                                                                                    the formal post-war era, or maybe it’s         Zachanassian, adding a great touch of        I was left wondering what part of the
                                                                                                    a deficient translation; although the          dark humour.                                 play I was supposed to pay attention
                                                                                                    cast really can afford to take the                Pace is lacking for much of this          to and take the moral message from.
                                                                                                    humour further, they seem to skip              production, most likely due to the           This is a tragi-comedy which was
                                                                                                    over their comic lines as if they are          conflicting styles of performance.           neither tender enough to make me
                                                                                                    embarrassed by them. Some of the               Some characters are played with an           feel greatly moved nor comic enough
                                                                                                    smaller parts capitalise on the stereo-        element of surrealism, with extreme          to leave me highly amused.

 Map of the World                           Some of these were tedious, some                        unable to really make any contact              Here Kitty                                      Low points - and there were many -
 Playroom, 17-21 Feb, 7pm                   interesting and some entertaining,                      with the audience. They seemed to              ADC Theatre, 18-21 Feb, 11pm                 included a lecture on how to roll a joint
                                            particularly those delivered by Jaffar                  deal with this by talking directly to                                                       and the depiction of a stoner’s night-
                                            Kahn’s amusingly inflated novelist.                     each other, which had the effect of                                                         mare (involving picture frames and
                                            Now and then, the play betrayed its                     you tending to look at the back of                                                          meaningless monologues that appar-

            hen I hear that a play is       Eighties origins and could have ben-                    people’s heads and feeling oddly               I could not believe Here Kitty was an        ently bore no relevance to the rest of the
            about ‘the West’s prob-         efited from a little editing to give it                 divorced from the action. Bearing in           ADC lateshow.                                plot). Susannah Wharfe managed to
            lematic relationship with       more contemporary relevance. The                        mind the limitations of the                       Pretentious and poorly written, the       pull this awful script from great depths
the Third World’, I start to get wor-       main characters were sharp, with                        Playroom, the sets and lighting were           play was only partially redeemed by the      of turgidity and made the schizo-
ried. Worried that I’ll be sucked           Kahn’s excellently energetic per-                       reasonable, although the actors tend-          valiant efforts of the actors, notably Rob   phrenic Kitty almost believable.
into some kind of No Logo-esque             formance being spot on. Director                        ed to get lost in shadows.                     Heaps, Susannah Wharfe and Isabelle          Schoelcher added much needed spirit
guilt trip. I was pleasantly surprised      Claudia Yusef took on a small role                        It would have been easy to make              Schoelcher. From start to finish the         to the series of random romantic and
by Map of the World, which general-         with very little to say but said it                     Map of the World trite and maximum             script lacked any meaning, structure,        sexual clichés from which her ‘life’ was
ly managed to stay entertaining             superbly.                                               credit to the Fletcher Players for             plot, character development or proper        constructed. Her ‘Wonder-woman’
despite some shaky moments.                    Sadly, the performance suffered                      avoiding this. However, with more              interaction between the characters.          impression, while entirely irrelevant,
  The play is set at a UN conference        badly from the bizarre shape of the                     care taken over the staging (and a             Maybe the fact that the writer directed      deserves particular mention. And
on poverty, giving the opportunity          Playroom theatre. With the seating                      better theatre), it could have been a          the play himself was the reason that         Heaps’ skilful performance rescued the
for plenty of long speeches about the       on two sides of the stage, and sepa-                    much more powerful piece.                      there was no objectivity in cutting or       character from descent into an abyss of
poor, the West, principles and so on.       rated by a wall, the actors were                                               Iain Mathieson          realising where the script simply didn’t     perversity; in his hands Colin’s Conquests
                                                                                                                                                   work: it is a sad moment when the ‘com-      almost gained a charming air. I cannot
                                                                                                                                                   mercial break’ is the most intentionally     stress fully enough how well the actors
                                                                                                                                                   amusing part of the whole play. For a        coped with such poor material.
                                                                                                                                                   play so reliant on quick scene changes,         As Susannah’s character so wisely
                                                                                                                                                   the technical shoddiness was unforgiv-       mused, Here Kitty is ‘very confused
This is Our Youth                           York – the result is a mirror for you to                youth, you should be glad if it finds so       able. Sets came down, costumes came          and a little bit twisted.’
Queens’, 17-21 Feb, 7.30pm                  recognize yourself. This is your youth! A               sharp a cast as director Archie Bland          down and lighting rarely went up.                                         Cath Fischl
                                            little bit sexed up, perhaps: the drugs a               found for his staging of Lonergan’s ver-
                                            bit harder than yours, the language a bit               sion. Conrad Mason is a “fucking
                                            more vulgar, the quarrelling a bit more                 genius” (his own words) as Dennis, the
Look into the mirror! You can see your-     heartless. But, apart from that, undoubt-               rich-kid-turned-drug-dealer-who-is-
self, sitting on your sofa, hanging out

                                            edly you. There you are despising your                  perfectly-aware-that-his-parent ’s-                 ’m not the theatre-going type, real-    homoerotic tension is troped through
with friends, weighing the chances of       parents’ lives, dreaming of your future as              money-is-just-a-phone-call-away-to-                 ly. The nearest I got in Cambridge      cancer of the maternal anus. False jocu-
getting laid, smoking joints, quar-         a film director, talking to the girl you                catapult-him-into-the-unavoidable-                  was my sole visit to the ADC bar        larity engendered by middle class guilt is
relling – and being convinced all along     have made love to for the first time yes-               settled-life. Blake Marks-Landro, as           for further units on a Tuesday night.        wonderfully depicted in this terse
that this would make a marvellous           terday, being shocked by a friend’s death.              his friend Warren, does a great job at         My two contributions to the atmos-           vignette. Shit is also dwelt on in the
film! Or a marvellous play!                 Apart from that: hanging out.                           being bullied by him. Alice Harper, as         phere of bohemian bonhomie were              most intellectually ambitious of the
   Kenneth Lonergan has done just this.         If you ever get off the sofa and write              Jessica, is wearing a breathtakingly           offering a quiet, reserved classicist a      pieces, Medicine. An overt tribute to
He has chronicled his own time as a lost,   that marvellous play about your own                     low-cut dress (she seems a little bit          threesome in the mistaken belief she         Beckett, this impassioned exegesis of
rich and cool teenager in eighties’ New     unique version of the universally shared                afraid of it, though), and shows all the       was bisexual, and abusing the staff in       existential angst may prove a little self-
                                                                                                    talent it takes to fill it. When she shows     the (again mistaken) belief that they        conscious and rarefied for some tastes,
                                                                                                    us the anguish and insecurity of a girl        had stolen my new scarf.                     but it nevertheless exerts a peculiar
                                                                                                    who has made love on the first date,              It will come as some surprise, then,      power of affective allure. Albee seems to
                                                                                     Archie Bland

                                                                                                    she reveals true artistic sensitivity. You     that I appear to be writing a theatre        be the model for the keen-edged Draw,
                                                                                                    might nevertheless decide not to write         review. The fact is, however, that these     where the reason for the conflict is sub-
                                                                                                    your play after all.                           plays are yet to be put on; I am safely      merged beneath absurdist stichomythia.
                                                                                                       You might find that there is nothing        ensconced in my room, script and fag in      He and Whore is perhaps the strongest
                                                                                                    you could tell the world that it does not      hand.                                        offering, utilising silence with great
                                                                                                    already know. Lonergan has averted this           Smorgasbord is a fresh young venture      affect. Woody Allen’s pretension and
                                                                                                    danger and, as a remedy, added some            with the redoubtable Kitty St Auburn at      Hollywood’s exploitation of exploitation
                                                                                                    serious philosophical reflection to the        its helm as artistic director. The first     are laid bare on the shocking slate of this
                                                                                                    play: “He is dead! Do you know what            production is scheduled for week seven,      text. The plays are, in general, of a very
                                                                                                    that means!? He will not be around any-        and it promises to be an interesting         high standard. And it is for this reason
                                                                                                    more!” Yet Warren himself is not too           evening. The plays to be performed -         that I must urge you, whether or not you
                                                                                                    convinced about the author’s success:          nine in all - without exception play on      are, like me, an intellectual manqué who
                                                                                                    “The intellectual stimulation…I am             themes of alienation and anomie, ennui       flies into paroxysms of hermeneutic
                                                                                                    somehow not getting it.” He may have           and enervation. In the aptly named           delight at the mere mention of a float-
                                                                                                    his finger on something there. But the         Peter Bumps Into The Bloke From The          ing signifier, to go and see them.
                                                                                                    acting is supreme nevertheless.                Kebab House And Is Forced To Realise                                  Glyn Salton-Cox
                                                                                                                               Sebastian Raedler   That Their Relationship Is Not Suited To                               Smorgasbord runs
                                                                                                                                                   Life Outside Said Kebab House confused                      2-6 March at the Playroom
Crime in the Spotlight

                                                          The Case of The Missing Hero
Mildly Entertaining, My Dear Watson
                                                                                                                                                                                        THEATRE / LITERATURE
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Feb 20, 2004       21
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Theatre News
Archie Bland stands up for bastards                                                                                                                                                                                               SPOOKY: In true Friday 13th
                                                                                                                                                                                                                               style, regular readers may have

         rime can be a very casual thing.                    No literary medium is better capable        more than a resentful look. Dennis, a                                  Dennis follows in a fine tradition of          been perplexed by the fact that
         It’s a peculiar truth that the                   of presenting this than theatre, simply        charming bully whose dazzling aggres-                               charming theatrical bastards. From                half of the theatre section (and all
         pettier the crime is, the more                   because where prose or poetry inevitably       sive verbal violence forces others into                             Edmund in Lear via The Changeling’s               of our good friends in literature)
likely it is to be deliberately thought                   foreground authorial opinion – one can-        open warfare or silence, is met only with                           DeFlores to Lenny in The Homecoming,              had been inadvertently substitut-
out: most murderers, for instance, are                    not escape from the presence of a narra-       mild reproach from his best friend                                  there has always been something attrac-           ed with some distinctly non-the-
not of an especially criminal mindset,                    tor, or at least some kind of voice –          Warren: following a devastating indict-                             tive about casual callousness: perhaps it is      atrical sports news. Our apologies
because the vast majority of murders                      drama can at least try to force the cre-       ment of Warren’s personal failings                                  the sense that they say what we wished            to the writers and illustrators
are committed in a domestic context,                      ative point of view into the background,       (‘You’re such a snivelling little obnox-                            we dared to, and follow a different –             effected – the missing content
usually as a result of some sort of                       and leave judgments to an audience.            ious punk… This is good for you.                                    arguably higher – morality: Edmund is             can be found online.
intense provocation.                                      When the illusion of a neutral presenta-       Listen. You’re a fucking idiot’), he is                             the only really truthful character in Lear.
   This isn’t to suggest that it’s OK to                  tion is preserved, morality becomes a          asked, ‘why do you say that shit?’ and                              Who, when he proclaims ‘thou, nature,
do things wrong if you do them by mis-                    much more slippery, more complicated           can only answer: ‘Because it’s true.                                art my goddess; to thy law my services are
take; still, anyone who hopes to under-                   thing. In Ken Lonergan’s comedy of             Because you deserve it.’ On the other                               bound,’ can help feeling a pang of jealous
stand what it is to be human must                         adolescence, This Is Our Youth, we see         hand, all three characters in the play                              admiration? Still, in the end, Edmund
realise that we are all capable of doing                  characters who do illicit things quite         take drugs with abandon, and, if it                                 dies: these characters cannot ultimately
terrible things under intense provoca-                    innocently, and treat each other with          sometimes causes sadness, it never                                  escape their distaste for the socially
tion. On the other hand, petty fraud, or                  real cruelty in entirely legal ways: it        seems like an inherently abhorrent                                  imposed morality their peers follow. In             NOT SPOOKY: There’s still
minor vandalism, are more peculiar                        seems almost incomprehensible that the         action, though crime it may be. And                                 the meantime, though, they have a much            time to enter our competition to
phenomena, and difficult to understand                    first should be punishable with a jail         Warren steals $15,000 dollars, and we                               better time: as Edmund proclaims, ‘Now,           win a pair of tickets to see the
for the average onlooker.                                 sentence, and the second with nothing          rather like him for it.                                             gods, stand up for bastards!’                     acclaimed Faster (above) at
                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Cambridge Drama Centre next
                                                                                                                                                                                                                               week. To enter, email your details
                                                                                                                                                                                                                               to before
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Wednesday.                CA

                                                          Sherlock Holmes ...Speckled Band               ment that I realised that it wasn’t.                                cameo that helped lift the show from            placed string music.
                                                          Queens’, 17-21 Feb, 11pm                          The play opens with Holmes and                                   its rather static start. There was also            This play is not the best thing
                                        Varsuty Archive

                                                                                                         his tag-along, Dr Watson, being                                     one genuinely funny scene, involving            you’ll see all term, but I don’t sup-
                                                                                                         interrupted by the regular morning                                  Holmes’ enquiries into the domestic             pose it is trying to be, and it is, at
                                                                                                         ‘distressed woman’. Several deduc-                                  animals present in a particular item            least, entertaining in parts. To be

                                                                or the first few minutes of              tions later this results in the success-                            of furniture, and the purpose of a              fair, even if you don’t enjoy it, you
                                                                Sherlock Holmes and the Case             ful killing of a bad chap. The play, as                             leather whip.                                   can probably pass some of the time
                                                                of the Speckled Band I had a             may well be inferred from the above                                    The set, for a late show, was sur-           completing ‘Holme’s Tease’ which
                                                          horrible feeling that it was one of            few sentences, is fairly light-hearted.                             prisingly good. The use of multiple             has been thoughtfully supplied with
                                                          those serious attempts to dramatise            It is also mildly entertaining. The                                 levels was effective and the rooms              the programme.
                                                          Conan Doyle’s detective.                       Irate Dr Grimesby Roylott (Andre                                    cleverly constructed and furnished.
                                                            It was with relief and some amuse-           Marmot) gave an amusing little                                      This was all aided by appropriately                                     Oliver Robinson

 Cam Stories
                                                            Miss Elaine Tierney on Chandler and Detective Fiction
                 Valentine’s                                         ost writing on detective fic-       locked in a battle of strategy and will                             Marlowe to spin his own story: nothing          and by whom. Rather than create narra-
             from Coleridge                               M          tion makes a great deal of the
                                                                     genre as a model of control.
                                                          Shit happens, shit is resolved, and all
                                                                                                         with the indefatigable other. Yet, it does-
                                                                                                         n’t quite figure Marlowe. Though cer-
                                                                                                         tainly smart (or, at the very least, ever
                                                                                                                                                                             happens outside the limits of his voice.
                                                                                                                                                                             And what a voice! A gold standard prose,
                                                                                                                                                                             well able to case a joint in a couple of sen-
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             tive closure we comb what has gone
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             before to know how he knows, turning
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             up little to leave us any the wiser. Which
Dear Miss,                                                within the strict formal regulations           ready with the smart answer), he’s                                  tences; low on unnecessary detail, not a        is only right. The Big Sleep is not a story
   My dear Anne, you are my                               which genre imposes. The endings of            nobody’s lover for very long. And, those                            word wasted. It’s the tonal equivalent of       for those who like their endings com-
Valentine. I dreamt of you this morn-                     detective stories matter: these endings,                                                                           never breaking into a sweat. Which is,          plete. Its business is mess and those
ing, and I have seen no female in the                     more so than in other kinds of fiction,                                                                            perhaps, Chandler’s biggest con: the read-      secrets best swept under the drawing
whole course of this day, except an old                   shape the course the narrative can rea-
                                                                                                             On re-reading one                                               er allows too much authority to                 room carpet. It is, in fact, apt that we are
bedmaker belonging to the College,                        sonably take.                                     realises the extent of                                           Marlowe’s ease of pronouncement. It             left out in the cold: in a world where no
and I don’t count her one, as the bris-                      The end marks the beginning; the                                                                                happened, we think, just as he said it did.     one can be trusted, why should the read-
tle of her beard makes me suspect her                     writer of crime fiction starts from a point       Marlowe’s irrationality                                          Blind-sighted, it is only on re-reading         er expect to be any better? Chandler
to be of the masculine gender. If I                       of narrative resolution. The expression                                                                            that one realises the extent of Marlowe’s       eschews the comforting finality the
could draw, I would have sent a pret-                     “closure”, woefully overused, actually         power struggles he does become                                      irrationality, and just how much                genre invites us to expect. We end on the
ty heart struck through with arrows,                      means something to our reading: we             embroiled in are rarely of his own mak-                             Chandler’s narrative omits to tell us.          edge of uncertainty, the great unknown;
with some such sweet posy under-                          don’t just want to know “whodunnit”,           ing. Thinking Chandler’s story or                                                                                   an indistinction of ending no story can
neath it as this:-                                        but how. The reader does not seek to           Marlowe’s character into the constric-                                        he Big Sleep, for example, and        hope to control:
   “The rose is red, the violet blue;
   The pink is sweet and so are you.”
   But as the Gods have not made me
                                                          take anything away from the scene of the
                                                          crime: we, like the investigating officers,
                                                          leave everything as found. In Franco
                                                                                                         tion of easy read signs and symbols just
                                                                                                         doesn’t work. Too much is made of the
                                                                                                         man and his fallibility for us to judge
                                                                                                                                                                               T       its rather puzzling ending.
                                                                                                                                                                                       Between Realito and returning
                                                                                                                                                                             to the Sternwood mansion, Marlowe
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 “What did it matter where you lay
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             once you were dead? In a dirty sump or
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             in a marble tower on top of a high hill?
a drawer (of anything but corks) you                      Moretti’s words, “One reads only with          him a mere literary type, close kin to the                          pursues a train of thought to which we          You were dead, you were sleeping the big
must accept the will for the deed….Is                     the purpose of remaining as one already        Cowboy or soft-voiced gangster.                                     are not party. For some inexplicable rea-       sleep, you were not bothered by things
Mr. Caleb Barlow recovered of the                         is: innocent. Detective fiction owes its          In a world where it’s the private                                son he knows he will be shot at (again)         like that.”
rheumatism? The quiet ugliness of                         success to the fact that it teaches us         detective’s professional obligation to
Cambridge supplies me with very few                       nothing.” Or, indeed, shows us nothing         know, Marlowe, more often than
communicables in the news way. The                        of ourselves that we do not wish to see.       not, is stumped.
town is very fertile in alleys, and mud                   Rather, we are brought to a point of res-         My pleasure in reading Raymond
and cats and dogs...I keep a cat. Amid                    olution and reassurance. Order is              Chandler comes from the cussed irra-
the strange collection of strange ani-                    restored, periodically, to a big, bad world.   tionality of his hero. Offered the choice
mals with which I am surrounded, I                           The case is closed.                         between the hard and an easy way, it’s a
think it necessary to have some meek                         All of which makes detective fiction        fair bet Marlowe’s will shun the latter.
well looking being, that I may keep                       sound about as thrilling as a page of hard     The Big Sleep, for example, and that
my social affections alive. Puss, like                    sums. I am reminded of those endless           sequence of events following Geiger the

her master, is a very gentle brute, my                    games of chess Philip Marlowe plays            pornographer’s murder: given the option
sweet Pussy. I wish, Puss! N.B- If                        against himself, re-enacting famous            of entering without breaking- an open
ever, Mary, you should feel yourself                      matches, and duly losing. Chess,               backdoor - Marlowe chooses locked,
inclined to visit me at Cambridge,                        emblematic of lovers, becomes the lone         inaccessible French windows. Why walk
pray do not suffer the consideration                      man’s game of choice. It is, of course,        in unnoticed when you could needlessly
of my having a cat deter you….                            symbolic too of the struggle for power;        draw attention to yourself?
                                                          the thinking man’s game of skill. An apt          This shamus, quite simply, is a self-
                                                          figure, one would think, for the man           dramatiser. Chandler, after all, allows
    22 SPORT          Feb 20, 2004                                                                                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                But the players seemed to be fully in        starts doing press conferences in his             mobile. “They’re designed to ‘snap
                                                                                                             favour of the calendar. Midfielder Alison       bathing suit.” It’s fair to say that is a sight   back’ when grabbed - so if a player
                                                                                                             Forman said of it, “We live together, we        that few people would want to see.                does get caught he’ll find it much
                                                                                                             train together... we thought, why not do           Rather like the England rugby                  easier to escape the tackle. The
                                                                                                             the shoot together?”. Nineteen year-old         team wearing skintight tops.                      England boys won’t be as hot as
                                                                                                             striker Alicia Ferguson said she was            According to the publicity blurb, the             before either. Ventilation around the

                                                                                                             proud to be involved. “The idea was put         Nike tops are 40% lighter than their              ribs, underarms and lower back will

                                                                                                             forward to us and it was our decision           predecessors, with the body hugging               help keep them cool”. But they cer-
                                                                                                             whether we wanted to do it or not”.             design making them dynamic and                    tainly don’t look cool in those tops.
                                                                                                                The issue here is surely one of choice.
    Someone who is clearly embittered                             The Cambridge girls are not the first      Which may explain the reaction to the
    with their coverage in Varsity Sport                      to come up with such an idea. The              recent suggestion by Sepp Blatter, that
    seems to find amusement in signing                        Matilda’s, Australia’s women’s football        women footballers should wear “more
    our email address up to lots of porn                      team, are better known for their raunchy       feminine uniforms, for example tighter
    sites. And so, when the poster on the                     calendars than for their exploits on the       shorts. In volleyball the women also
    right arrived in our inbox, it made a                     pitch. One Sydney columnist responded,         wear uniforms different to those of the
    welcome change.                                           ‘if the Matildas don’t score on the field,     men. Pretty women are playing football

                                                                                                                                                                 Do you want to see these girls in action?
       The women’s lacrosse team, looking                     male fans could well do so in the dress-       today. Excuse me for saying that.”
    for some more, er, exposure for their                     ing room later’.                                  Needless to say, he was not excused.
    sport, seemed to have got the impression                      Ms Mary Crooks, director of the            England keeper Pauline Cope said
    that Varsity (or Arsity) was not above                    Victorian Women’s Trust, responding to         Blatter’s advice was “typical of a bloke”.
    providing free advertising in exchange                    the Aussie calendar, suggested that            When it is the choice of the players
    for revealing photographs. They were of                   ‘Women at an elite sports level – and you      involved, skimpy costumes can be
    course right: The men’s, women’s and                      can understand their frustration – just        acceptable. But when it is the idea of a
    mixed Varsity Lacrosse matches take                       don’t enjoy anywhere near the same kind        dirty old man (oops – there goes my
    place in Oxford on Saturday March 6th.                    of funding support as men’. The issue          chance of an interview) the players are
    If you want a £10 coach ticket, email                     she touches on is an important one, and        surely right to assert themselves
    Hannah (I’m not sure which one she is                     until women’s sport receives fairer fund-         US skipper Julie Foudy said, “We’ll
    in the photo) on hcd25.                                   ing the problems are likely to remain.         start wearing tighter shorts when he

    Long Road fight Girton, while Girton fight for title
    College Football                                                                                                                                                                                              The opening ten minutes of the game
                                                                                                                                                                                                               were very scrappy, with both sides unable
                                                                                                                                                                                                               to settle. The game was regularly broken
    The Division 1 title developed into a                                                                                                                                                                      up with fouls from both sides, which set
    four way clash between Girton, Jesus,                                                                                                                                                                      the precedent for the rest of the game.
    John’s and Catz. Jesus’ victory over                                                                                                                                                                          However, it wasn’t very long before
    Darwin set them up nicely, especially                                                                                                                                                                      Jesus started to put their passes together
    when Girton were held by Downing.                                                                                                                                                                          and in the 15th minute John Russell
    But we start with yesterday’s fiery                                                                                                                                                                        played a fantastic ball in behind the
    clash, when Girton reinvigorated their                                                                                                                                                                     Darwin defence for Will Stevenson to
    title challenge with a victory over Long                                                                                                                                                                   place the ball across the keeper and into
    Road.                                                                                                                                                                                                      the far corner.
       The behaviour of some Long Road                                                                                                                                                                            Jesus dominated the rest of the half,
    players, en route to a captivating 3-2                                                                                                                                                                     though in midfield Phil Treharne kept
    defeat by Girton, has prompted the                                                                                                                                                                         the graduate college in with a shout
    lodging of an official complaint by the                                                                                                                                                                    while Matt Reeves was holding the ball
    match referee, writes Gavin Versi.                                                                                                                                                                         well up front.
       “That was an absolute disgrace,” said a                                                                                                                                                                    However, just before half time, Jesus
    shocked Mickey Villa of Girton. “These                                                                                                                                                                     broke through again, with Stevenson
    guys don’t even deserve to live.” His                                                                                                                                                                      attempting to chip the keeper from the
    comments came immediately after a                                                                                                                                                                          edge of the box. Much to Darwin’s relief
    game that had seen a fifteen-man melee,                                                                                                                                                                    the ball rebounded agonisingly off the
                                                  Dan Soars

    two red cards and a caution in the last                                                                                                                                                                    post, and the half time whistle blew.
    ten minutes.                                                                                                                                                                                                  The second half was an edgy affair,
       The catalyst for the ruck was a two-                                                                                                                                                                    with Darwin trying to box Jesus into
    footed challenge on Girton star man                                                                                                                                                                        their own half while Jesus played count-
    Alex Mugan. A mass-scale scrum was
                                                              Jesus’ James Loxam watches as a Darwin effort flashes across the Jesus goal                                                                      er-attacking football.
    staged and several obscene threats of                     his own players. Jones had vocally             another defensive blunder let Downing’s            As full-time neared, Girton’s despera-             After a period of great pressure by
    violence were made: two red cards were                    encouraged further dismissals, prompt-         Steve Bailey through, one-on-one, with          tion became obvious, throwing every-              Darwin, Jesus started to break with
    shown to schoolboys.                                      ing Childs to wonder whether the sec-          Girton keeper Rob Jones, who was no             thing they had at the Downing goal.               menace and Will Stevenson’s diving
       GCFC are staging an ent next week-                     ond year Historian suffered from               match for the calm finishing that left the      Even “the captain who never plays”, Bob           header was just kept out while John
    end, in which they were hoping to per-                    Tourette’s syndrome.                           home-side 2 goals behind.                       Griffiths, made a cameo appearance as             Russell was unlucky to see a rasping,
    form a strip.The Senior Tutor mistaken-                      “That was our best performance of              Girton’s reply came just a minute later,     his team battled for a draw. The visitors’        right-foot drive well held by the keeper.
    ly thought they were going to hire a                      the season in the first half,” said Girton     as stocky left-back Jamie Knibbs lofted a       goal was put under siege, with Paul Touil            Jesus then brought on Stephen Pike
    female stripper and put the kibosh on it.                 captain Bob Griffiths. “Long Road              shot from 20-yards out, sailing the ball        hitting both Downing posts. Then, with            who was unlucky to miss after being put
    One Long Road player may have caught                      could be one of the better teams in the        over Downing keeper, Ben Wiles, to              the last kick of the game, pseudo-cap-            through one-on-one after a quick free
    wind of the idea, as he mooned the                        league, but they need to realise the disci-    score a magnificent goal and haul his           tain, Donald Davidson, scrambled the              kick.
    crowd during the fracas.                                  pline of the Cambridge league.”                team back into the game.                        ball over the line and into the visitors’ net        With about ten minutes to go, Jesus
       The match itself was a cracker. A bril-                   It was a good turnaround for a                 Another defensive error was to blame         to grab a much needed point.                      finished the job from a set piece. The
5   liant brace from Rohit Trivedi gave                       Girton side whose title efforts had            for the game’s fourth goal, but this time          A glum Griffiths’ only comment after           corner was swung in beautifully for Tim
    Girton a 2-0 lead, before Mugan scored                    looked dented earlier in the week as           it was Downing’s turn to cringe, as             the game, was that his Girton side’s per-         Swain to head it goalwards. Though the
4   one of the best free-kicks the college                    they were held by Downing. Early               Dewhirst scored an own goal in the 20th         formance was “f***ing disgraceful”.               ball was scrambled away, the referee
    league has ever seen: a curling left-foot-                Downing goals in both halves of an             minute with his right knee.                     Nevertheless, he was “still confident             deemed the ball had crossed the line and
    ed strike from 25 yards that went in off                  exciting encounter tested the mettle of           10 minutes into the second-half              about league success”.                            Jesus’ lead was secured.
    the underside of the crossbar. Long                       a frustrated Girton side, made to work         Bailey, again putting Downing into lead,           Elsewehere, a win for Jesus against               Late pressure by Darwin proved
    Road pulled two goals back mid-way                        for their point in a 6 goal, Valentine’s       this time from the penalty spot, after          Darwin propelled them into the title              fruitless and the result puts Jesus into a
    through the second half to ensure a rous-                 Day thriller, writes Ben Reeve.                Rich Payne was bundled in the box.              battle, writes Adam Edelshain.                    strong position as the season goes into
    ing, tempestuous finale.                                     In the very first minute, a rare mistake    Girton’s frustrated ex-captain, Greg               Jesus ran out comfortable winners              its final few games. Darwin on the
       Long Road manager Chris Childs                         from long-serving Girton centre-half,          Smyth could be heard saying “I don’t            though the home support were more                 other hand will have to start building
    was careful to point out that Girton                      Mickey Villa, put him on the score-            know what we’re doing, but it’s certainly       than a little nervous until Tim Swain             for next season if they hope to chal-
    goalkeeper Rob Jones was as culpable as                   sheet with an own-goal, 12-minutes in,         not playing football”.                          doubled the lead in the 80th minute.              lenge for the title.

    Men’s Football - Div 1                   Men’s Football - Div 2                          Men’s Football - Div 3                   Men’s Hockey - Div 1                   Women’s Hockey - Div 1                   Women’s Rugby - Div 1
                 P W D       L   GF GA Pts                P W D             L   GF GA Pts                 P W D       L   GF GA Pts               P W D      L   GF GA Pts               P W D L          GF GA Pts                P W D      L PD     Pts
    St Catz      7 6 1       0   18 6 19     Churchill    6 5 1             0   14 5 16      Christ’s     6 5 0       1   24 10 15    Magdalene 7 7 0        0   32 2 14     Girton      6 4 1 1          10 5 13     Trinity      7 5 0      2 +138   10
    Girton       6 4 2       0   16 5 14     Robinson     7 5 1             1   19 13 16     Sidney       5 3 2       0   18 5 11     Caius       8 6 1      1   20 14 13    St Catz     5 4 0 1          14 2 12     Emmanuel 6 5 0          1 +65    10
    St John’s    6 4 1       1   21 7 13     Emmanuel 6 4 1                 1   20 5 13      Hills Road 4 3 1         0   13 4 9      Jesus       7 6 0      1   39 6 12     Jesus       4 4 0 4           7 0 12     Queens’      4 3 0      1 +18     6
    Jesus        6 4 1       1    8 7 13     Caius        6 4 1             1   21 10 13     APU          5 3 0       2   14 8 9      St Catz     9 5 0      4   21 17 10    Caius       4 3 1 0          11 2 10     St John’s    4 2 0      2 +26     4
    Fitzwilliam 5 2 1        2    4 7 7      Homerton     7 3 0             3   10 11 10     Clare        6 3 0       3   11 13 9     St John’s   5 4 1      0   25 10 9     New Hall    6 3 0 3           9 9 9      Girton       5 2 0      3 -38     4
    Darwin       7 2 1       2    6 17 7     St John’s II 7 2 1             4   13 12 7      Trinity Hall 5 3 0       2   18 11 8     Cam City    7 3 1      3   20 17 7     Trinity     6 1 2 3           4 7 5      Churchill    7 2 0      5 -77     4
    Downing      6 1 1       3   16 10 4     Fitz II      7 2 1             4   12 16 7      Girton II    6 2 0       4   13 24 6     Robinson    6 3 0      3   33 25 6     Queens’     5 0 3 2           1 3 3      Clare/Tit Hl 3 1 0      2 -26     2
    Pembroke     6 0 1       4    1 24 1     Queens       6 1 1             4    7 15 4      CCSS         6 1 0       5   11 23 3     Emma        8 2 2      4   15 29 5     Emma        6 1 0 5           3 15 3     Caius        4 0 0      4 -106    0
    Trinity      4 0 0       4    2 9 0      Selwyn       4 1 0             3    5 11 3      Long Road II 4 1 0       3    7 15 2     Sidney      7 2 1      4    9 17 5     Fitzwilliam 6 0 1 5           0 16 1
    Long Road 3 0 1          2    6 8 -1     Kings        6 0 0             6    2 25 0      Magdalene 5 0 1          4    5 21 1     Queens      8 1 0      7    3 30 2
                                                                                                                                      Pembroke    7 0 0      7    2 24 0
                                                                                                                                      Downing     5 0 0      5    5 32 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Feb 20, 2004       23
                    Blues overturn champs                                                                                                                   Sport in Brief
                    Women’s Rugby                              teams, at half time there was still no
                                                               score. Cambridge, who could only
                                                                                                          prolonged period of pressure on the
                                                                                                          UWIC line. From a 5m scrum in
                    BLUES                              15      be happy at not conceding points,
                                                               prepared to dig in harder in the sec-
                                                                                                          Cambridge’s favour, the ball was
                                                                                                          skilfully guided back to Menna
                                                                                                                                                                       Ladies Real Tennis
                    UWIC                                5      ond half. The Blues came out hard          Clatworthy at No 8. From there, the                 Despite a huge disadvantage in handicaps, the Cambridge University
                                                               and fast, giving just what was needed      pack simply walked UWIC back-                    Ladies Real Tennis Team secured an impressive victory against Hatfield
                    Alexandra Stevens                          to start to swing the match their way.     wards over the line for Clatworthy to            a fortnight ago, winning all of their five matches. However, the victory
                                                               Cambridge started winning scrums           score the Blues’ second.                         was not enough to gain advantage in the Varsity match the following
                                                               against the head and some superb              By now, UWIC were frustrated                  week, which saw a painful 5-0 defeat to the Dark Blues. The end result
                    It was with much trepidation and lots      jumping by Herbie in the line outs         and all playing out of their skins but,          was not fully representative of the standard of Cambridge play, with sets
                    of guts, determination and hope that       secured all of the Blues’ balls and        unluckily for them, Cambridge had                being won by Georgie Eastwood, Enone Poole-Wilson and Captain
                    the Blues faced UWIC, unbeaten in          even started stealing some of              finally found the elusive team spirit            Kate Milne, whose opponent gained a rare full Blue for her impressive
                    the BUSA League for the last four          UWIC’s ball.                               and determination for which they                 handicap. Cambridge managed to produce a crowd of supporters twice
                    years, last Wednesday at Jesus pitch-         Unsurprisingly, it did not take         have been searching all season. Our              the size of the home team’s, who were treated to many exciting and close
                    es. UWIC are currently top of              long for Cambridge to convert this         girls’ third try came from a period of           games, often going to 5-6 despite the abnormalities of the smaller
                    Premier Division South and are             pressure to much needed points. A          play when UWIC were attempting                   Oxford court and the unexpected time and order of play. Thanks to the
                    tipped for      a third successive         back line move, with some great ball       to run the ball out of their own half.           sponsorship of Pol Roger Champagne, the Cambridge Ladies were con-
                    Championship Title this year.              handling from Schaffer and Jess            Veteran player Fi Crowe was able to              fidently able to win the after-show match at the dinner.
                       Far from being the multi-try            Seddon, gave the ball to Toyin Ajayi       maul the ball and turn the situation
                    walkover that many had predicted,          whose strong running proved too            to Cambridge’s favour, allowing
                    Cambridge stormed out in the first
                    half and matched UWIC (University
                                                               much for the UWIC defence, culmi-
                                                               nating in the first try of the match.
                                                                                                          Clatworthy to rip the ball and pass
                                                                                                          out left to Ojayi and then on to
                                                                                                                                                              Revolver and Pistol Club
                    of Wales Institute Cardiff ) in every         With the try came euphoria and          England Students winger Kosi                        Intershoot is an international air pistol and air rifle competition
                    aspect of the game both up front and       much celebration from the sidelines.       Abdulai whose tremendous pace                    held annually in The Hague. It provides a unique opportunity to
                    in the backs. Special mention must         The Blues were even more deter-            brought her in easily under the posts.           compete against international teams from countries such as Portugal,
                    go to fly half Michelle Schaffer for       mined that the match would be              The missed conversion was the last               The Netherlands, Japan, and of course England, in a three day event.
                    some superb kicking, and for               theirs but, unfortunately, just a short    play of the match.                               (CURPC members compete in the air pistol competitions only).
                    tremendous tackling from wingers           while later a missed tackle led to            Cambridge now have to dig deep                   This year the club sent a team of 5 club members past and present.
                    Emily Lethbridge and Alex Gillen.          UWIC going over the line to even           for the rest of the season. Their next           The team shot impressively and gained experience shooting at a high
                    The forwards rucked low and hard           up the scores. This was the wake up        opposition will be Birmingham                    level. This year’s competition was also of note as two CU club mem-
                    and were solid in set pieces, provid-      call the Blues finally needed and,         University in the BUSA knockout                  bers (one past and one present) were also at the competition repre-
                    ing a great platform from which the        from then on, they had the upper           competition at 2pm Jesus Pitches on              senting England. The standard of shooting was high and although no
                    backs could run their moves.               hand in all areas of play.                 25th Feb, followed by Varsity (away)             medals were won this year, many recorded a personal best.
                       Despite many efforts by both               Their second try was scored after a     on the 7th March.

                                                                                                                                                            College Women’s Football
                                                                                                                                                              Homerton narrowly beat Christ’s to progress to the quarterfinals
                                                                                                                                                           of women’s cuppers, but only after being given a real scare by fourth
                                                                                                                                                           division Christ’s. Despite being two divisions below their opponents
                                                                                                                                                           Christ’s put up a spirited challenge, matching Homerton all the way.
                                                                                                                                                           Homerton took the lead midway through the first half but captain
                                                                                                                                                           Cat Darby took advantage of an out-of-position keeper to equalise
                                                                                                                                                           from 25 yards out. Extra time produced no more goals, and
                                                                                                                                                           Homerton prevailed 2-0 in the ensuing penalty shoot-out.

                                                                                                                                                                         Falcons Football
                                                                                                                                                              The Falcons’ Varsity preparation continued with a 4-1 victory over
                                                                                                                                                           Lloyd’s. After conceding the customary early goal, Vollbracht’s men
Alexandra Stevens

                                                                                                                                                           fought back. Danny Griffiths bundled in an equaliser from a Stu
                                                                                                                                                           McInnes ‘flick-on’, and made it two with a deflected strike that was
                                                                                                                                                           heading for the corner flag. Steve Bailey had his scoring shinpads on
                                                                                                                                                           to add a third, before a breakaway effort by Toby Kirk rounded off an
                                                                                                                                                           excellent performance.

                    Football’s lawmakers caught offside
                    Rajan Lakhani discusses the                                                           tion. Moreover, the striker did not pre-
                                                                                                          vent a Southampton defender playing
                                                                                                                                                     he put two attacking players clearly
                                                                                                                                                     beyond the last line of defence before
                                                                                                                                                                                                 advice meant, the head of referees
                                                                                                                                                                                                 said that while the Bolton players
                                                                                                          nor did he get in the goalkeeper’s line    the free kick was taken. Then, the two      would be deemed offside for their
                    new offside interpretation                                                            of vision so he wasn’t interfering with
                                                                                                          an opponent. He did not accrue an
                                                                                                                                                     attacking players rush back into an
                                                                                                                                                     onside position as the free-kick is
                                                                                                                                                                                                 actions, van Nistelrooy’s goal would
                                                                                                                                                                                                 have stood. This leads to the com-
                    As if it wasn’t previously difficult to    position. This means that a player         advantage by being in an offside posi-     taken. The defenders are caught in two      plaint that at least the Bolton players
                    get some consistency concerning            can stand in an offside position as        tion supposedly because he was not         minds because if they move back fur-        were making an effort to get into an
                    whether a player has moved into an         long as he is not doing any of the         playing a ball that rebounded off the      ther to mark the offside player, this       onside position while van Nistelrooy
                    offside position, the bureaucrats at       three actions outlined above, for he       woodwork or playing a ball that            gives the opportunity for further           remained in the same position.
                    FIFA, who seem to possess no               is said to be in a passive state.          rebounds off an opponent having been       attacking players to move closer to the        It is simply time to end the mad-
                    knowledge of how football works,              All the controversy started when        in an offside position.                    goal and if they elect not to mark him,     ness. The new interpretation might
                    have decided to interfere yet again        Ruud van Nistelrooy scored the win-           It was not the first time a more        the player might have moved into an         make for more goals now but defend-
                    in the sport. They have caused no          ner for Manchester United against          than favourable decision has been          onside position and have a free chance      ers will soon defend deeper and deep-
                    end of trouble.                            Southampton. When the ball was             given to the Red Devils at Old             at goal or the officials might either       er, meaning less risks will be taken,
                       For once, you have to really sym-       crossed into the penalty area from a       Trafford and Gordon Strachan, then         arbitrarily decide to state we are now      ultimately detracting from the enter-
                    pathise with the match officials.          free kick, van Nistelrooy was clearly in   manager of Southampton, was right-         in a second phase of play and the           tainment value of the game. Anyhow,
                    Every week they seem to receive            an offside position but the officials      ly angry. The argument Poll made for       unmarked player may now be in an            the changes should have been made at
                    some new directive on what action          decided he was in a passive state,         the United striker not obtaining an        onside position. Given the speed of         the beginning of the season where
                    should be taken. The offside law           despite the fact that he was in the cen-   advantage by being in an offside           the matches, it is necessary to keep        everyone would have been on a level
                    states that a player in an offside posi-   tre of the six-yard box. The ball was      position in the first phase is nothing     football as simple as possible, but this    playing field. The determination of
                    tion is only penalised if involved in      then crossed back into the penalty area    short of ridiculous.                       new interpretation confuses everyone.       whether a player is active or passive
                    interfering with play, interfering         after it had been partially cleared and       Surely by being in the centre of the       To counteract this, the FA               lacks clarity and is completely arbi-
                    with an opponent or getting an             van Nistelrooy was allowed to score.       six-yard box when the ball is being        attempted to clarify matters further        trary. Footballers should simply be off-
                    advantage by being in that position.       Graham Poll defended the decision by       crossed in you are in an active position   but ended up making the situation           side or not. Whether they are active or
                    What has changed is that FIFA have         arguing that when the goal was scored,     and looking to play the ball? ‘Big’ Sam    even worse by advising referees to call     passive should be completely irrele-
                    told officials to be much more wary        it was a second phase of play for the      Allardyce exposed the FIFA interpre-       players offside if they are “deceiving      vant. It is time for FIFA to end this
                    of the distinction between whether a       ball had been headed away and the          tation to ruthless effect in the match     or distracting an opponent”. When           nonsense before the big prizes are
                    footballer is in an active or passive      striker had returned to an onside posi-    between Bolton and Leicester where         asked to comment on what this new           handed out at the end of the season.

                                         For more articles go to Varsity Online at and visit the sports section. Contact us on
                                   SPORT                             20.02.04                                                                                                   

Blues Football

                                                                                                                                                                                                                Andy Sims
DE MONTFORT                         1
BLUES                               3
Axman Luge

With the eyes of most Cambridge
sportsfolk firmly fixed on immi-
nent Oxford clashes, the Blues
turned instead to the final stages of
their BUSA league campaign last
week. Wins over Northampton and
Leicester sent them to one of the
many outposts of De Montfort
University, needing just another
three points to clinch the title.
   The Blues arrived at the Leicester
campus to find what Captain
Fairbairn called “exactly the reason
we want to get out of this division”, a
sloping, undulating pitch lacking
white lines and grass. Further fuel was
provided for the fire of Cambridge’s
aspirations by the referee and opposi-
tion, the latter turned up smoking
cigarettes, the former not at all. The
professional preparations of the Blues
outfit provided an embarrassing con-
trast to their DMU counterparts, who
seemed blissfully unaware of their
own relegation crisis.
   Fairbairn’s desire “to win it in
style” was hampered by the playing
surface, a rutted council pitch, which
provided a poor replacement for the
grounds sold off by DMU, and a
stark reminder of good fortune, for
any Cambridge student who has
bemoaned the quality of a university
playing field.                            Blues keeper Joe Garood is forced into action as Alex Mugan looks on.
   An unchanged Cambridge side
belatedly kicked off the match, but       Racing onto a Tim Hall pass, Adams           It is the clichéd mark of a good      made no mistake, sending his team-         a perfect season still remains.
failed to kick into the gear they had     smashed a strike against the upright,     team, that they win when playing         mates and the watching Ninja                  This week the Blues return to tra-
used with such effect against             rebounding the ball out to Fairbairn,     poorly, and this year’s Blues are a      Turtles into celebrations.                 ditional encounters ahead of the
Northampton. Simple passes went           who volleyed the Blues into the lead      good team. In an uneventful second          At the whistle, the complications       Upton Park Varsity match, and con-
astray, as the closeness of the prize     in some style.                            period, the miserly Cambridge            of BUSA promotion meant that               fidence in the squad is at its zenith.
seemed to be proving too much for            The Blues, despite a marked gulf       defence, by far the best in the divi-    despite sealing the championship, the      The newly crowned champions have
the Blues to settle into their rhythm.    in ability, were unable to add to their   sion, staunchly withstood DMU’s          Blues had still not secured the covet-     welcomed the prodigal Harry
   There were however, encouraging        lead, and a minute before the break,      occasional forays, whilst at the other   ed Division One spot. There remains        Hughes back into the fold, and Dan
signs of Cambridge class as Adams         sloppy passing let in DMU. In             end; the presence of the newly intro-    a trip to Birmingham before that           Waistell is soon to return from long-
and Fairbairn combined to torment         answer to Cambridge calls for off-        duced Cambridge substitutes began        score is settled. However, the squad       term injury. With the blistering form
the DMU back line. ‘Splinter’             side, the linesman helpfully com-         to tell. Tom Cairnes spread the play     still have much to enjoy, a place in       of Adams at their disposal, the Blues
Adams has improved vastly this sea-       mented, “Sorry, I wasn’t up with          with authority, frequently finding       the national knock-outs will be a          are gaining the cutting edge they
son, from a man on the fringe to a        play”. The ensuing melee in the area      the exciting Jonny Hughes in space.      welcome challenge, if a less welcome       have lacked to match their defensive
destroyer of defences. It was his dev-    led to a DMU penalty, and after the       The Fitz man tormented his fullback      congestion to fixtures, and with the       resoluteness. As Fairbairn himself
astating pace which unlocked the          ill-defined spot had been tracked         and balls into the box twice found       Dark Blue menace relegated from            put it “the future’s bright, the future’s
DMU defence in the 20th minute.           down, the ball was slotted home.          the feet of Adams. The Johnian           their BUSA league, the possibility of      light Blue.”

Bourne again Blues continue superb form
Blues Hockey                              ing is. While the Blues were
                                          expected to win this match against
                                                                                    Cambridge side was now clearly in
                                                                                    control of the game and it was no
                                                                                                                             won in double figures.
                                                                                                                                As it happened, the students only
                                                                                                                                                                        against teams in the National League
                                                                                                                                                                        with water based pitches and heated
                                          one of the lower placed sides in the      surprise when the lead was increased     managed to convert two more                changing rooms!
BOURNE                              0     league, one thought it was going to       further. The third and final goal of     chances. Parker set up Patchett on           The women’s Blues also scored five
                                          be a difficult day as the rain pelted     the first half was a superb team goal    the top right of the circle and he         goals, and in doing so extended their
BLUES                               5     down, the changing rooms were             with the Blues finally starting to       converted with an expert finish            winning run to four games in the
                                          not great, and the team was with-         show the quality of hockey they can      highlighting just how well he is play-     League, as they bounced back from
Mikey Williamson                          out the coach again who was on            play which allow them to totally out-    ing at the moment. Finally, Neil           BUSA cup defeat. A brace from
                                          international duties.                     class teams in this league. Some crisp   Wilson floated a huge aerial ball into     Rachel Sissons, and strikes from Vicki
                                             It took Cambridge a while to get       accurate transfer work around the        the opposition’s circle. The keeper        Eyre-Brook, Jennifer Lees and skipper
If the situation before the match         going despite repeated requests from      pitch from the defence and midfield      mis-kicked the ball and Williamson         Jenny Parkinson saw Cambridge beat
was not motivation enough to get          the captain to dominate the game          allowed Richard Little to pick out       immediately picked it up. He pro-          Gravesend 5-1 against the Blues’ tra-
in the National League then noth-         from the start. Several chances went      Williamson in the circle with a          ceeded to pass it to Patchett in the       ditional ‘bogey team’.
                                          astray and it seemed as if it was going   superb pass, leaving Williamson to       circle who finished clinically to
                                          to be one of those games. However,        have to simply deflect the ball past     secure a brace for the Blues and
  Page 22                                 midway through the first half, Mikey
                                          Williamson ran onto a nice deflected
                                                                                    the keeper.
                                                                                       The second half though was not
                                                                                                                             complete a 5-0 rout.
                                                                                                                                Not a great match, but the students
  Naked                                   pass by Aled Patchett, rounded the
                                          keeper and found Jamie Parker to
                                                                                    great for the neutral as Cambridge
                                                                                    completely dominated the opposition.
                                                                                                                             won the three points and it keeps the
                                                                                                                             pressure on the rest of the league. They              Madness
                                          clinically finish in front of the goal.   The Blues played some great attack-      face another National League Premier
  Lacrosse                                   The next goal again involved
                                          Parker, Williamson and Patchett
                                                                                    ing hockey on the fast break, but the
                                                                                    game deteriorated as the difference in
                                                                                                                             team on Thursday evening in London
                                                                                                                             in preparation for next season and the
                                          whose clever craft down the right set     quality in the teams was highlighted.    crucial local derby is this weekend
  Girls                                   up Steve Morley for another easy
                                          finish into the open net. The
                                                                                    The Blues squandered many chances
                                                                                    and the match should have easily been
                                                                                                                             against     Cambridge         City
                                                                                                                             Wilberforce Road. Bring on playing
                                                                                                                                                                   at               Page 23

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