Anger and Pleasers by dfhercbml


									                                                                                               Dr. Jerry Hiller, Cllinical Psychologist
                                                                                          repair logo.jpg«GreetingLine», M.A. LCPC
                                             Qu i c k T i m e ™ a n d a
                                                d e c o m p re s s o r
                                     a re n e e d e d t o s e e th i s p i c t u re .
                                                                                                            Living Skills, International
Anger and Pleasers                                                                      for carrying out our agreement?” “Up
                                                                                        until now I have done_______, but you
Self-Talk                                                                               say it’s not enough. In your opinion,
I belong in this universe because I am                                                  what would be enough? What would
here, now. I am a part of everything,                                                   satisfy your concern?”
within, not without, the circle of
humanity. There is nothing I could                                                      Tips
ever do to change this fact.                                                            Get to the point faster. Stop worrying
                                                                                        about offending. You already treat
My belonging does not require the                                                       people with respect. Don’t say “yes”
approval of other people. I belong, and                                                 when you mean “no.”
I contribute. I cooperate with others as
equals on mutual goals/tasks.                                                           Distinguish being a “pleaser” from
                                                                                        being an “enabler”. Are you doing “it”
God alone is perfect. Humans are                                                        for you, or for them? Are they
imperfect and must therefore rely on                                                    becoming less dependent, or more
God, and work together.                                                                 dependent?

I would PREFER approval, but I don’t                                                    Stop trying to become morally superior
NEED it for survival. I need food and                                                   by being good, and looking down upon
water.                                                                                  others. Contribute instead. Just act
                                                                                        responsibly by doing your part.
I’m like a pot on the stove ready to boil
over with the last real or imaginary                                                    You have what it takes: a brain, a
rejection. I am too stressed and angry.                                                 heart, and by doing what needs doing
My serenity suffers. Up until now I                                                     you develop courage.
have been a pleaser, but now I can
“repair” the way I think, feel, and act.                                                Learn to become less impressed with
                                                                                        anger, temper tantrums, screaming,
I am more selective in pleasing.                                                        and put-downs. Look for the “power
                                                                                        game”. Many use anger to “bully”
I realize that some people will never be                                                others into submission. Don’t be so
pleased. Not even God can please                                                        impressed with temper tantrums.
them! They get something out of not                                                     Wonder “what’s the issue?” instead of
being pleased.                                                                          “What’s wrong with me?”

I modify my image of a “nice”, or                                                       Think in terms of more innings,
“good” person. I’d rather be                                                            quarters, rounds. First reactions are
responsible, but circumstances must be                                                  first reactions. Further discussion
taken into consideration.                                                               brings about variations. Don’t just stop
                                                                                        with someone else’s first reaction.
I use OPEN-ENDED questions when I                                                       Notice that some people always reject
feel angry and resentful about what                                                     or disapprove of suggestions. Others
others have done, or have failed to do.                                                 have inferiority feelings just like you.
I ask, “What are you going to do                                                        Many have social anxiety, and/or poor
about________?” “What’s your plan                                                       social skills. Most of the time, it has
                                                Dr. Jerry Hiller, Cllinical Psychologist
                                           repair logo.jpg«GreetingLine», M.A. LCPC
                                                             Living Skills, International
nothing to do with you. If it does have
something to do with you, it’s about
your behavior, not your self-worth.

Use phrases such as: “I cannot
attend”; “I would prefer not to
do_____”; “I’ve got too much right
now, I’ll have to pass”; “Sorry”; “No
thank you”.

Separate business issues from
relationship issues. Business is
business, not your family or intimate

Ask yourself, “What would please me,
my mission/purpose?” “What would I
like to do with my life? How do I want
to live?”

Speak up as you go along. Holding
back so not to “make others feel bad”
eventually leads to hurting yourself and
others if you “blow up” at a later date!

Stop worrying about you. Rather
concern yourself with being useful. You
will learn to trust yourself and your
intuitions. You will have integrity:
what you say is what you do. You will
have serenity, contentment, and learn
from your mistakes. You will find
yourself catching your useless pleasing.
You will speak more directly. You will
find humor in your games and the
games of others. You will think or say,
“Now that’s a good one!”

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