Dear Tyler Smith,
I was drawn into your paper immediately because I really like your attention getter. It took me right in
and helped me imagine things instead of just reading an everyday essay. The majority of your paper
stuck to the dominant impression of Tim O' Brien having fear. The only sections of your paper that
could possibly use improvement on this issue are the second and fourth paragraphs. They are composed
of great information, but I think it might be helpful if you stuck to the concept of fear more. This way
readers won't get lost or momentarily confused.
I really enjoyed the paper that you wrote. The intro is great, the subject is interesting, your points are
valid, and it seems to stay mostly on topic throughout the entire piece. I noticed some punctuation
errors and misspellings and such, but those are to be expected in a rough draft, so you have nothing to
worry about there. I would advise trying to strengthen your conclusion by elaborating on the issue of
fear and maybe refer back to things mentioned in your introduction. The first and last pieces of your
paper will be the things remembered most by readers. It's important to leave your dominant impression.
Another bit of advise I would recommend is the removal of personal opinions in first person from your
paper. Such as “I think”. You could try things such as “one may think” or “the reader may think”. This
way, your paper appears more professional and a whole lot cleaner. Although this was mentioned at the
end of class, so you probably already know. In the first paragraph, I think it's interesting that you
quoted a movie because it's not often that movies are quoted in papers about novels. I honestly like the
touch that it adds, although it wouldn't hurt to expand your explanation of the quote and tie it in tighter
to the book, so that the reader develops a stronger understanding of why you believe that it's
I think if you incorporate fear into the paper a little bit more and extend your conclusion paragraph, you
will have a really great essay. I like some of the detailed information you give from the book. Many
sections of your paper contain background information from the story that is beneficial to the reader. I
have to say I enjoyed reading your profile paper.