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					                                                                            Autumn 2005 Issue One

                                              www.fatcustard.co.uk




                                                                            EXCLUSIVE

                 KICK MY ASS                   INSIDE: Fat Custard Magazine reports
                                         from the carnage that was Stunt Jam 2005.


                                                                                     DESIGN AND LAYOUT
ALSO: THE HATE FILES • IT'S A BLIND-A-DAAAATE! • PARENTS SAY THE FUNNIEST
THINGS • GONE IN A 60 SECOND PHONE INTERVIEW & MORE                                  www.citizenstudios.co.uk
WELCOME TO THE FIRST
FAT CUSTARD MAGAZINE
Welcome to Fat Custard Magazine, my truly shameless
attempt to cadge work off you and prove that I can cut
the mustard in the world of journalism.

Before you flick through this publication let me
promise you one thing - it’s not all about the money.
You see, 15 years ago there was this kid at my school
who was quite big for his age. I don’t wish to say he
was obese but he was certainly more than a little
chubby. Someone gave him the nickname ‘Fat Custard’
- a nickname so brilliant that it stuck with him
throughout his portly schooldays. Ten years later, I
would steal that name and use it as the title for a                           So I’m begging you. Read this magazine and check out
journalism house designed to celebrate all things me.                         the website. Hopefully by the end of it all my sardonic
                                                                              ramblings will have convinced you to let me grace the
The problem is I met him again last week and he’s                             pages of your esteemed publications. All topics are
MASSIVE. Apparently he plays rugby for a living too. To                       welcomed and no word rate is too small.
be honest he wants to kick the shit out of me so we’ve
come to a beautifully simple agreement. I will                                Please, it’s not about the money. It’s a matter of
continue to write professional and ferociously witty                          survival.
articles for people like your good selves whilst he will
continue to let me keep the Fat Custard name. As well                         Lee Krawczyk
as my teeth.                                                                  MD Fat Custard Media



    THE MOST OVERUSED QUOTE                                                                         PARENTS SAY THE
                                                                                                    FUNNIEST THINGS!
    OF THE LAST TEN YEARS
    "We always made sure that whoever won the speedboat lived in the
                                                                                                    This month’s £25 prize goes
    Midlands - because that was as far as you could get from the sea!"
                                                                                                    to Carol from Weymouth.
    Ex-Bullseye host Jim Bowing continues to tell us something we couldn’t
                                                                                                    ‘Last week I was shopping in
    give a shit about.
                                                                                                    my local Asda when a little
                                                                                                    boy of about five years old
                                                                                                    stopped his mum in the
                                                                Lee Krawczyk                        music section. Pointing at the
    CONTACT                                                     Freelance Journalist                latest Christina Aguilera
    Disclaimer: All opinions and comments made in this                                              album the boy asked “Who’s
    publication are that of the author only. They are usually
    completely false and are often libellous. All interviews
                                                                M: 07816 781575                     that lady mummy?” - to
    and characters are made up except MacArthur who
    really does get on my tits. Believe none of it or all of
                                                                E: lee@fatcustard.co.uk             which his mum replied -
    it. It’s your bloomin choice not mine.                      W: www.fatcustard.co.uk             “She’s a whore Daniel, a
                                                                                                    filthy fucking whore.”’


                                                                                       Page One – I met him again
                               Autumn 2005 • Issue One
                                                                                       last week and he’s MASSIVE
THE FIVE MOST
DISGUSTING PEOPLE                      GONE IN A 60 SECOND
ON TV IN 2005                          P H O N E I N T E R V I E W #1: Bruce Forsyth




1: Justin Lee Collins
A king amongst repulsive men,
JLC’s vile ginger face is
accompanied by a voice that
could induce epilepsy. Just one
glimpse of this carroty fur-ball
evokes a desire to drown him
in a barrel of cider.
                                       FC Magazine: Hi Brucey. ‘Awight?’
2: Natasha Kaplinsky                   Forsyth: Er, yes I’m good thank you. A little tired but then you get like that at my age!
Newsreading, makeup-                   FC Magazine: What do you mean ‘your age?’ You must only be in your mid-fifties!
addicted waxwork with utterly          Forsyth: That’s very kind of you dear but I’m actually more nearer 80 these days.
revolting hair. Recently voted         FC Magazine: Fuckin hell!
top of a ‘Who I most want              Forsyth: I beg your pardon?
to die in a car crash’ poll            FC Magazine: Sorry Bruce, I mean, Jesus Christ! You really don’t look like an OAP  .
conducted on my friends                Forsyth: I’ll take that as a compliment then.
and family.                            FC Magazine: So tell us what you’re up to these days? We haven’t seen
                                       you on TV for quite a while.
3: Quentin Wilson                      Forsyth: I assume you’re being sarcastic?! As you know I’ve been busy filming yet
Thankfully banished to Channel         another series of ‘Strictly’ for the BBC plus I recently finished a programme called
5 these days but still sporting        ‘Bruce Goes Dancing’ with my wife Wilnelia.
the foulest grin on television.        FC Magazine: I’m sorry; did you say your wife? When did you remarry?
Wilson drives cars at speed            Forsyth: I’ve been married for over 25 years my love!
whilst looking a bit like a
                                       FC Magazine: But, and I don’t mean to upset you here, I thought your ex-wife sadly
paedophile. Less popular
                                       passed away in April this year and that you came out as a homosexual in 1995?
than Clarkson too. Ouch!
                                       Forsyth: Now hang on a minute! Do you actually know who I am?
4: Graham Le Saux                      FC Magazine: Of course I do. You’re Bruce Forsyth. Popular entertainer and game
Now a football pundit and              show host in the ‘80s and ‘90s. You presented such programmes as ‘My Kind of
co-commentator for the BBC,            People’ and ‘Animals Do The Funniest Things’.
Le Saux continues to talk              Forsyth: That was Michael Barrymore you idiot! I’m Bruce ‘Nice to see you’ Forsyth.
unintelligent nonsense whilst          FC Magazine: What? Oh shit I’m so sorry. I’ve got a bit muddled up here - you’re my
looking like an underdeveloped         first big interview since I started journalism. I’m really embarrassed.
baby. Still insists he was good        Forsyth: Oh never mind son, we can still rescue this I suppose! Do you have
at football. What a twat.              any good questions for me?
                                       FC Magazine: Just one. What with Ant and Dec recently reviving old shows for their
5: Parkinson                           Gameshow Marathon, are you annoyed that ‘Strike it Lucky’ was overlooked? It was
Decrepit chat-show host                the show that made you famous after all.
who’s surely on his way                Forsyth: Are you kidding me?
soon? Horrible habit of
                                       FC Magazine: I’m serious. The eccentric contestants, the noise when you landed
lodging his tongue firmly
                                       on a Hot Spot: ‘AWOOHA – AWOOHA – AWOOHA!’ It was gold.
up his guest’s arses. Face
like a warty scrotum.                  Forsyth: Un-fuckin-believable! [Hangs Up]
                                       Gone in 59.3 Seconds.


                     Autumn 2005 • Issue One                               Page Two – Face like a warty scrotum
THE HATE FILES
Case #ZX36912 – Dame Ellen MacArthur

Who is she? – Born in Derbyshire in
the mid 1970s, Ellen MacArthur
decided to become a chubby pirate
and go on some sort of three-month
cruise. Somewhat remarkably this led
to a female knighthood in April 2005
and resulted in countless interviews
involving the line “being on that boat
was an emotional and spiritual
journey” which roughly translates as
“I cried all the time and really missed
my dog ‘Starboard’.”

Why the hate? – This case is quite
unique in that the hatred is not
always shared by the overwhelming
majority of the public. In fact, such
hatred is often frowned upon by
Daily Mail readers and the middle
classes who laughably spout such
wank as “she's an inspiration to all
young sailors. We are totally in awe
of what she has done.” This is very
much where my hatred begins,
especially because all “young sailors”
should be shot in the knees. Let’s                             Ellen MacArthur - Looks a little bit like a dinner lady.
also not overlook the fact that sailing
is not even a real sodding job. I mean
come on! She doesn’t even make             Britannia’. Some may go that bit                           do it.” This whole jingoistic bag of
fish fingers.                              further by laughably suggesting that                       bollocks is celebrated more so by
                                           “the bookies can stop taking bets                          ‘The Mail’ readers who rejoice
Is that all you’ve got? – God no!          on this year’s BBC Sports Personality.”                    in the fact that she beat a ‘dirty’
Ellen MacArthur can sail a boat -          Eventually though, England win at                          Frenchman’s record. However, if she
quite well in fact - over rather long      cricket, rugby or football and                             started wasting tax-payers money
distances. I offer this response to such   everyone goes back to remembering                          by trying to sail to Spain in a shed
a fact: SO FUCKIN WHAT?! Ok, ok.           that sailing is almost certainly as                        or something like that, I could
27,000 miles is a long way but 72          shit as curling.                                           be swayed.
days for Christ’s sake! I’ve gone from
Liverpool to London in two and a half      Chances of getting over it? – As                           Any concluding arguments? –
hours before. In a Fiat Uno no less.       long as MacArthur continues to sail                        Only one. I’m almost certain that
Was my name in the New Year’s              boats and waste my time, hate levels                       MacArthur continues to remain alone
Honours list? Was it bollocks! Even if     will remain at maximum. The media                          in the middle of the ocean to hide
her voyage is actually impressive to       only serves to infuriate me further                        the fact that she bares an uncanny
some bloke called Tarquin, the rest        by delightfully explaining how                             resemblance to Maureen from
of the British public don’t really give    Derbyshire is actually ‘land-locked’                       Driving School. Perhaps now we can
a shit. Of course they’ll happily greet    (imagine) and that “everyone should                        all understand what motivates this
Ellen back at Cornwall, waving the         look at her and realise that if they                       flare-waving pixie.
Union Jack and singing ‘Rule               follow their dreams they too can



                         Autumn 2005 • Issue One                                    Page Three – Almost certainly as shit as curling
IT’S A BLIND-A-DAAAATE!
Find out in five minutes if your blind date is for you by asking her this simple question:
‘Who’s your favourite comedian?’


DAWN FRENCH                                                                BILLY CONNOLLY
By now you will know that your                                             Your date was a student in the
date is an overweight librarian or                                         eighties or early nineties and is
at the very least a 35 year old                                            more than likely from Glasgow. She
Christian. Her love of Dawn French                                         makes farting noises in public and
is fuelled by the tragically                                               tends to repeat Connolly’s stand up
misguided belief that no matter                                            gigs to her mates word-for-bloody-
how ugly or large she happens to                                           word. If she ever met your parents
be, people love being around her                                           she’d probably say something like
because of her fantastic personality.                                      this: “Language is fascinating. The
She’s certain to say things like “I’m                                      real names for things can be so
perfectly at ease with my weight                                           awful in English. Like 'penis' and
and looks,” though she secretly                                            'scrotum'. Yuck! No wonder they
cries herself to sleep at night. Her                                       had to invent different words for
perfect date involves a cosy night                                         them, like willies, bums and tits.”
in with you on the sofa - drinking                                         You really should abort the date
carrot wine and watching ‘Dibley’                                          but she’s an absolute whore in
episodes on DVD. In the bedroom                                            the bedroom. She’ll let you eat
she’ll want you to dress up as a                                           her ‘woman fruit’ out of ‘picking
black, six-foot, comedian and make                                         season’ just so your beard goes red
animal noises whilst she t-bags                                            like her Scottish hero. She’s sick and
your nuts.                                                                 so are you for staying.




DAVID BADDIEL                                                              JO BRAND
Your date was recently released                                            No doubt you’re already a bit
from a mental institution after                                            disappointed that she wore
savagely killing her ex-boyfriend in                                       leggings to the date but this latest
a stabbing frenzy. In court she                                            news is worse than your doctor
openly admitted to the murder and                                          saying “I’m very sorry, it’s spread
confessed it was because he made                                           to your bollocks and your arse hole.
a cheap remark about how Baddiel                                           You’ll be dead within the week.”
was “completely and utterly fuckin                                         Of course she’ll say that she likes
shit.” A typical comment from her                                          Brand because of her ‘women’s lib’
college days would be: “You see                                            style comedy routine – men are
that ‘Reebok Pump’ with crap on                                            crap, women eat cake and all that.
the side? That’s you that is!” Your                                        Of course you will then say “Jo
date makes up the 98% of Baddiel                                           Brand and her followers are like
fans who are mentally retarded.                                            dog turds rolled in tramp sick.” It
Refuse to let her watch Newman &                                           will make no sense at all but gives
Baddiel – Live & In Pieces and she’ll                                      you a thirty second window to leg-
piss in your mouthwash and feed                                            it whilst she sits there, quite
you garlic.                                                                sweaty, and attempts to work
                                                                           it out.



                                                                 Page Four –Piss in your mouthwash
                       Autumn 2005 • Issue One
                                                                 and feed you garlic
HISTORY REPEATED
Lee Krawczyk casts a retrospective eye over the life of Herbert P. Chesterton –
‘The worst historian in the history of history.’

Herbert P. Chesterton was not your
average historian. He was much            During the ‘50s
worse than that. For nearly 60            Chesterton spent
years he tirelessly documented            time researching
the social and political climate of       his first history
the world in which he lived, doing        based publication
so with an unnerving ability to           ‘Gotcha! – The
record the most useless of trivia         Complete History
coupled with a flare for being            of the Native
completely inaccurate.                    Americans’. It
                                          was in this book
In 1932, employed as an                   that Chesterton
intelligence gatherer by British PM       enraged fellow
Ramsay MacDonald, Chesterton              historians by
was tasked with meeting the up-           claiming that
and-coming German politician              the Navajo and
Adolf Hitler. In his now infamous         Cherokee Indians
report ‘Hitler – I really wouldn’t        were a group
worry’, Chesterton famously               of convicts from
described the German as “cute as          Bristol who
a button,” but later added “I doubt       executed a daring
                                                                                      Herbert P. Chesterton – “Mandela and Mugabe?
very much Adolf will stay in politics     land-con scheme                             Same sweet -different wrapper”

for long – he’s the laziest Austrian      on the Founding
I’ve ever met – utterly lacking in        Fathers that
basic orator skills, ambition and         would later embarrassingly                a unique way of retelling history to
support.” In the 44-page report on        backfire. Although the book was a         the youth of America,” Chesterton
his visit to Berlin, Chesterton would     monumental failure, an undeterred         would later protest. Although critics
go on to call Hitler a “terrible chess    Chesterton continued to write social      praised the concept of Chesterton’s
player” and a “possible                   commentaries on the USA, once             idea, they widely condemned his
Communist.”                               suggesting that the KKK was “             decision to cast Adam and Eve as
                                          a harmless pyjama party for adults”       a pair of crooked LA Vice cops and
Fired by the government at                and that Martin Luther King was “         were horrified at his portrayal of
the start of WW2, Chesterton              a bit of a moaner.”                       Jesus Christ as a cocaine dealing
immigrated to America where,                                                        gangbanger. Casting Noah as
remarkably, he was picked up              More books followed in the 1970s          Mary’s business savvy pimp was
by the Roosevelt administration           including the quickly withdrawn ‘JFK      the final straw.
and given the role of weapons             – An elaborate suicide?’ and the
inspector. True to form Chesterton        equally unpopular ‘Vietnam –              Publicly castrated, Chesterton
was soon expelled from his new            Ooops!’ In the early 1980s – having       eventually settled in South Africa
post after returning from Japan to        spent almost seven years out of           where he inadvertently extended
report that “all the Jap’s really have    the public eye – Chesterton, now          Nelson Mandela’s prison sentence
are funny wooden airplanes which          82 years old, was to return with the      after publishing his final work
they continue to crash. They even         book that he’ll forever be                ‘Mandela – Traitor and Warlord.’
have their own word for it –              remembered by. ‘The Bible 2’              He died of a brain haemorrhage
‘Kamikaze’. It’s truly astounding!”       was a daring spin-off set in then         in 1991 after tripping on a mango.
                                          modern USA. “It was essentially



                        Autumn 2005 • Issue One                          Page Five – Luther King was a bit of a moaner
‘CAUSE I’M THE UNKNOWN
 STUNT JAM’                                          Fat Custard Magazine reports from
                                                     the carnage that was Stunt Jam 2005.



At an abandoned aerodrome in
the middle of Wisconsin, 20,000
spectators are sitting in stunned
silence. They’ve just witnessed
a true miracle. American Randy
Spangler has almost certainly won
Stunt Jam 2005 having just nailed
a set-piece involving a Bengal tiger,
a puzzle book and a 400-pound fat
suit. Only death can rob him of the
title now. As the fire marshal douses
down the remaining flames on
Spangler’s flabby arm, his fellow
competitors and friends look on in
shock and awe. Suddenly he raises a
char-grilled thumb to the grandstand
and at once they erupt into a frenzy.
                                                                                      Quadriplegic Bolivian Juan Olivera performing at
“Ladies and Gentlemen, he’s okay!”                                                    Stunt Jam 2005.
shouts the tannoy master as the
scoreboard records a perfect row
of 10.00s. The world of Stunt Jam                                                    ramp made entirely of sweetcorn.
has a brand new king.                     The rules are simple. A competitor         All this whilst juggling plutonium
                                          performs the most elaborate stunt          filled condoms. An average point
‘It all started in ’78,’ explains Stunt   he can manage to a judging panel           score of 9.8 sees him sitting pretty
Jam founder and event organizer           of four ISJF officials plus a token        on top of the leaderboard for most
Hank Henderson, ‘a few of us got          celebrity. Over the years the stunts       of the day. And then up steps Randy
together in a Wal-Mart parking lot        have grown in both scale and               Spangler.
and started outdoing each other           danger and 2005 looks set to raise
with stunts to impress the girls. I       the bar once more. Colombian stunt         Looking up at the sky we see a
met my wife that day after she saw        king Fernando Higuero wows the             plane bearing down from the east.
me Space Hop on the freeway               crowd with a jaw-dropping act that         Suddenly out jumps Spangler. On
whilst covered in African killer bees.    sees him dressed as a giant T-bone         fire! As he reaches terminal velocity
It was a lame stunt compared to the       steak, dipped in African monkey            the crowd can’t believe their eyes.
guys today but she rode in the            blood and gently lowered into a 15-        He’s jumped out wearing a 400
ambulance to County General with          foot-deep piranha filled pool.             pound fat suit but not only is he
me and we’ve been together ever           Tragically, Higuero’s rig snaps            ablaze - he’s attached to a flame-
since.’ Henderson and the two other       halfway down and he plunges into           proof Bengal tiger. Approaching the
founding fathers of Stunt Jam (Mo         the water head first. He would later       landing zone at over 60MPH we see
Mendoza and Barney Shultz) soon           recover having lost his nose and           the unthinkable. As the parachute
began attracting bigger crowds. ‘By       both ears.                                 explodes above him Randy Spangler
1984 we were performing for                                                          completes the last box in a 5-square
thousands in arenas across America.’      2004 champion Gerhard                      sudoku puzzle! He collapses to the
In the early 1990s Stunt Jam was a        Kratzleberger impresses with               ground – surrounded by flames
fully endorsed event attracting           another complex water stunt in             and a dead tiger – as a new
competitors from across the globe.        which he uses two baby alligators          national hero.
The 2005 event was the biggest yet.       as water-skis whilst jumping off a


                                                                          Page Six – Attached to a flame proof
                        Autumn 2005 • Issue One
                                                                          Bengal tiger
fatcustard.co.uk
Welcome to Fat Custard Magazine, my truly
shameless attempt to cadge work off you and
prove that I can cut the mustard in the world of
journalism.

Before you flick through this publication let me
promise you one thing - it’s not all about the
money. You see, 15 years ago there was this kid
at my school who was quite big for his age.


M: 07816 781575
E: lee@fatcustard.co.uk
W: www.fatcustard.co.uk

				
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