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					The Purchase
PurchaseIndy@gmail.com Purchase’s Only Weekly News Source
Graphic by Steven Tartick

ISSUE 117

Schlesingizzle Talks With MTV
By Patrick Cassels
“C h a m i l l i o n a i r e?” Lee Schlesinger moaned. “That piece of crap?!” The professor laughed and doublechecked the results of the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards off his computer screen. The Houston rapper’s single, “Ridin’,” had indeed much to Schlesinger’s disbelief, beaten Busta Rhyme’s “Touch It Remix” in the Best Rap Video category during the Aug. 31 show. Under normal circumstances, Schlesinger, a self-described fan of the sixteenth-century composer Giovanni Palestrina, would not be so concerned with the devastating injustice of a modern rap musician’s award-night coup de tat. But this year, the literature instructor had, in a very slight way, staked his professional integrity on Mr. Rhymes. Early last month, Schlesinger received an unexpected message from MTV: The wellknown music network was interested in interviewing him about this year’s VMA nominees for their upcoming special Professor Predicts, a companion series to the award ceremony which aired on their college-oriented sister station, mtvU. His command of literature, affinity for flannel shirts, and set of whiskers that would emasculate Tom Selleck have over the years made Lee Schlesinger one of Purchase College’s most distinctive faculty members. So when MTV knocked on the Humanities door this August searching for an academic to discuss the finer points of ditties like 50 Cent’s single “Window Shopper,” his name was quick to come up. For his segment, taped on-campus in midAugust, Schlesinger was asked to watch the five rap nominees, discuss the lyrical merits of each, and predict a winner based on his professional analysis. The segment premiered Aug. 24 and was hosted by the mtvU personality referred to simply as Gardner. Or, as Schlesinger so refreshingly put it, “One of those one-named guys.” MtvU also spoke with math professor Jeanine Meyer of Purchase’s School of Natural Continued on Page 6...

Admissions Removes Pride Ring in Marketing Faux-Pas
By Emily Farrell and Steven Tartick
Most incoming students receiving the open house invitation last spring had no idea of the politics surrounding the mailing. The cover image of the three-page brochure featured Tosiporn Sasitorn, a recent Purchase graduate who took place in the “Think Wide Open” branding campaign last year. The pose is familiar: the exact image can be seen in the official college view book that debuted in the spring. However, there is one glaring omission. The gay pride ring that Sasitorn wore to the photo shoot had been digitally removed. “My first reaction was a mix of confusion and betrayal,” said Sasitorn. “I was a big supporter of the campaign and I was confused as to why they would do something like that. I wanted to fully understand the reasoning behind why the ring was removed.” The brochure, which was a one-time mailing sent only to accepted incoming freshman, broke the accepted procedural guidelines of the

Admissions staff. Typically, all college materials must go through a central marketing committee for approval before they can be mailed. This is to ensure that the content is in line with the current “Think Wide Open” campaign, and represents the college accurately. It is also procedural policy to allow students to approve changes made to their image prior to publication. Sasitorn, understandably upset about the image, went to the root of the problem and had a conversation with Dennis Craig, the Vice President of Admissions. Craig had only started working at Purchase this July when he was hired to run Admissions, while the previous President of Admissions was on maternity leave. Craig told The Independent that he had been unaware of the issue until Sasitorn brought it to his attention in late August. “The staff involved thought that the ring would limit the interpretation of “Think Wi d e Open,”” said Craig. “Taking out the ring was a mistake, but when mistakes are made you need to find out why they are made.” The brochure was created during a time when the Admissions staff was in turnover mode. The staff assigned to the project felt that “Think Wide Open” should embody the idea of inclusiveness and that the image was not broad or diverse Continued on Page 6...

INSIDE:

Get a Job! ...Off Campus

What’s the Deal with the Student Center?

A Pub in the Awesome?

Point/Counterpoint
A recent point of contention within the PSGA has been the possible instalation of a bar in the retail space below Fort Awesome. Student opinion on this isse and here The Independent brings you arguments for both sides of the debate. In Opposition: Steven Tartick In Support: Adam Tyrrell Chief Editor: The proposed plan to put a public establishment Question: What’s the number one thing people complain Emily Farrell that serves alcohol on the bottom level of Fort about on campus? Web Editor Awesome is both illogical and dangerous. The plan, Answer: There’s nothing to do. Steven Tartick spearheaded and supported by key administration offiAnd it’s true. If you don’t want to dance with SOCA, Layout Editor: cials would bring an outside private company into the host a radio show, or eat gouda with the Cheese Club, Kaitlyn Sudol retail space below Fort Awesome that will create a pub- you’re pretty much fucked-over for things to do on any Feature Editor: lic atmosphere while serving alcoholic beverages to given night of the week. Look at the pictures of Patrick Cassels customers. Purchase kids in the 70’s and you’ll see the Co-op, Office Manager: The administration's key argument that this bar where the Terre-Ve is now, bustling with more people Amanda Scigaj will help teach Purchase students responsible drinking than the Hub on Saturday night. And it’s not because the Distribution Supervisor: fails to recognize the severity of the much longer list of drinking age back then was 18 and everyone wanted to Robert Stewart-Rogers cons. Primary among them is the fact that this estabGraphic Design: lishment would be allowed to advertise and accept get drunk; it’s because it was a neutral place with comSabrina Miller patronage from non-students off-campus. Any person fortable seating and dim lighting that any Purchase stuBackpage Bitch: that would drive to the middle of Purchase, NY to drink dent felt they could sit down and chill in. An Unassuming Freshman with students is not the type of person that we want Where’s that place on campus now? It doesn’t Business Manager: exist. Putting a pub on campus that’s owned by a pridrunkenly loitering around our campus. Especially Alice Gullotta considering that these patrons would be 50 feet from vate business can bring back that intimate feeling that’s Writers: the entrance to the living quarters of nearly 300 stu- been missing for many years. Imagine going to see a Patrick Cassels dents. The potential for rowdiness, violence, aggres- band at the Student Center or coming back from a class Emily Farrell and being able to just lie back on couches and eat a sion and worse is undeniable. Dana Frasz On a less sensational level, the average Purchase burger. Or, if you’re 21, drink a moderately-priced beer Jessie LaBarbera student simply has no need for an establishment of this with one of your professors. Arthur Larsen type. Sure, it would be nice to have an alternative setSure, there are drawbacks. To spur business, the Jesse McLaren ting to hang out and lounge with friends in, but why pub will have to advertise off-campus. But, that can be Kaitlyn Sudol build an entirely new dining option when those that solved by simply having more students eat there. This Steven Tartick already exist are not being used to their full potential. is what we call a “happy problem.” And with the student Adam Tyrrell Also, this pub would appeal to a very small portion of media services and a convenience store being installed Kristen Whitcomb the demographic as a) only 20% of the Purchase stu- into the area, not to mention the built-in clientele of over Comics: dent body is legal to drink and b) because as it is an off- 300 residential students, increasing customers served AHC campus establishment, meal plans would not be Garry Paul Bonesteel won’t be the biggest obstacle. accepted and prices would most likely be higher than Copy Editors: In terms of safety, which I will admit is the only feacurrent Chartwells rates. With such a similar dining Adam Tyrrell sible drawback to the proposal, there are security measoption 500 feet away at the Hilltop Restaurant, it would Sable Yong ures already in place, most notably the keycards that make much more sense to use the money to refurbish have been distributed to all Fort Awesome residents. If one of our current dining areas. While we certainly recognize the administration's the administration is going to allow off campus guests effort to create a venue to promote healthy and respon- into a residential area, the only reasonable assumption sible drinking, we also recognize the potential for dis- is that security will be beefed up more. If not the pub, what’s the alternative? aster. We recommend that the Retail Space committee makes a strong effort to fill Fort Awesome's retail space Send your opinions on the subject of a pub in with something that will appeal to the broad majority of The Purchase Independent is a non-profit students in a logical and responsible manner. Fort Awesome to PurchaseIndy@gmail.com
Established 2001 Founding Editor: Glen Parker

newspaper, paid for by the mandatory student activity fee. The Independent welcomes submissions from the readers. We are an open forum for campus issues and comments about The Independent’s coverage. We accept letters, articles, comics, ads, and event listsings. The deadline for submissions to be considered for publication in the following issue is Tuesdays at eight. After that, you must bribe us with candy. Publication of submissions is not guarenteed, but subject to the discretion of of the editors. We prefer that submissions come to us electronically. Our e-mail address is: PurchaseIndy@Gmail.com Backpage quotes can be left in the Back Page box, a makeshift container nailed to the wall outside the Media Board Office, which is located on the first floor of Campus Center North, room 1011. Finally, no anonymous submissions will be considered. Instead they will be donated to the Submission because it’s their office, too.

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The Off-Campus Job Hunt
By Jessie LaBarbera
It's a new semester, and for many freshman (as well as some returning students) this means that it's time to get a job. While ideal, on-campus jobs are usually a hassle to get and require you to have work study as a form of financial aid. So, for many, off-campus employment is the only option. Getting an off-campus job is followed by questions (or problems, really). What if I don't have a car? Will I have time to study? Will I have time to party? The answer is, yes. With a little time-management you can hold down a part-time job, study, and still wake up naked on a stranger's couch. I would love to explain how that is possible, but unfortunately, that is something you will have to learn on your own. I can, however, make life a bit easier by profiling some popular and some unexpected places to find a job off-campus. White Plains is easy to get to with or without a car. The 12 runs a good number of times each day and the "free" bus does now too. If you have a car, parking in the lots aren't too expensive (about 50 cents an hour). There are so many places to look for a job here, including two malls, but I will only go through the popular ones (and some you might not have thought about). Stop & Shop: (154 Westchester Avenue) It always looks like Stop & Shop is looking for people for various positions. I don't see many students from Purchase working there, but I'm sure many of you reading this have had a job at a supermarket. It's easy work, but not for everybody. You can apply at www.stopandshop.com Barnes & Noble: (230 Main Street, in the City Center) This is a great job for a college student.

The hours are flexible, the pay is decent and the atmosphere is friendly. The staff is made up of a lot of students from Purchase. Working in a book store is a hipster's wet dream. If books aren't for you, there's also the option of working in the cafe and music department. Joanna Firneno, a cafe server, says, "Working off-campus is a good way to get a break from the place you eat, sleep and learn. If I didn't have to have a job, I wouldn't, but working for Barnes & Noble isn't too bad, because I get to interact with the community outside of Purchase." Applebees: (27 Mamaroneck Ave) The popular chain restaurant is a popular job for Purchase students looking to make some extra money in tips. Erica Lisk, a waitress there, says, "I love working at Applebees! It practically owns my soul. I used to work in retail, but I find Applebees easier to work around my school schedule and a lot more fun. There were a lot of kids from Purchase who worked there last semester, but left. Hopefully some will come back." You can apply in person, and they are always looking for potential hires. Galleria Mall: A very typical Anytown, USA mall, complete with a Hot Topic, Old Navy, Torrid, Wendy's, various other clothing and accessory stores. The good thing about malls is that there are many stores, and there is always a good chance of a few looking for employees. The bad thing is it's a mall, and you may start having high school flashbacks. Westchester Mall: (Across the street from Stop & Shop) The "yuppie" mall in White Plains. Contains a variety of mainly high class name-brand clothing companies such as Juicy, Armani Exchange, Bebe, and home furnishing stores such as Pottery Barn. There is also a Delia's, and an FYE. This is good to know if you want to work in a music store, since the Sam Goody in the Galleria is gone.

No One Mourns the Stupid
By Arthur Larsen
In every generation, there are those icons whose arrivals are celebrated globally and whose departures cause a pain that becomes a shared experience. JFK, Princess Diana, Mother Teresa and now Steve Irwin: The Crocodile Hunter. I realize I may be pouring salt on what may be a fresh wound for many of you. But as I sat there very early Monday morning and read the news, I thought; "OK, Arthur, what can you contribute to this moment?" As I sat there reading of his death and the gruesome details therein, I wept openly and prolongedly. I mean... who would have thought that while filming a special on "The W r l d ' s o Deadliest Sea Creatures," a person could in fact face death. I just assumed he'd live forever, like Elvis, Jon Bennet Ramsey, and Tejano music legend, Selena. It seems that, like these kindred spirits, he too will live on on in my mind if not on this earth. I’m sure that the rest of you also shared in my complete shock and anguish. I mean.... how could this happen to a man known far and wide as a hunter of crocodiles? I loved watching him give those giant beasts of scales and teeth affectionate hugs. It was like watching a 3 year old get a puppy on Christmas morning. He seemed so friendly with his co-habitants in this animal kingdom he fought so hard to preserve. That is, of course, unless you count his books, shows and movie. Those crocs seemed to really enjoy being jumped on, tied-up, pissed off and practically molested on camera. The sad fact is, he was in talks with a German S&M filmmaker to work on the sequel. He never jeopardized the safety of small children, I don't care what anyone says; bringing an infant in to feed a ravenous animal raw meat is, in my opinion, giving the kid a leg up. Because aren’t we all ravenous animals, sitting up every night glued to the television, watching shows like “World’s Deadliest Puma Chasers,” “The Himalayas for Dummies,” and “Adventures in Tara-dise.” This dangerous programming has brought out the animal in all of us. I r w i n ’s home away from home, The Discovery Channel, has made some moving memorial plans. Inspired by Disney’s Peter Pan, the channel has decided to take the murderous Sting Ray and turn it into a taxidermic clock, that will loudly count down the life of Discovery’s next big star. When I first heard, I spent hours looking at my wall. I was hollow and listless. And then I realized that we are all collectively responsible for this death. A culture where watching a man “hunt” deadly reptiles produced this death. You should remember that each and every day of your lives. Next time you are tempted to watch “Lion Taming with The Stars,” I want you to remember that sting rays don’t kill people, we kill people.

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Three Months of Madness
Or My Summer at Girl Scout Camp
By Kaitlyn Sudol River
There’s really no way to properly preface the conversation that started it. Smiley, Zelda, and I were hanging out on our time off, trying to figure out what to do. “Well, we’ve got two hours to kill. We could go play Uno.” “Or we could go write creepy, anonymous notes to everyone else on staff.” Clearly, this was the best idea anyone had come up with so far this summer. Zelda, Smiley, and I hurriedly grabbed our crayons and some blank paper and headed to the air-conditioned basement of the dining hall to start the series of anonymous letters that would become a highlight of our summer. The next morning, each staff member recieved a folded piece of paper with their name crayoned neatly on top. When they opened it, they were greeted with a neatly crayoned, vaguely sexually explict creepy note, signed “Love, Your Creepy Pals.” “Ariel,” said one addressed to the Waterfront Director, “we love getting wet with you.” “Rainbow,” said another, “We’ll miss you while you’re in Europe. Good thing we have those naked pictures to keep us busy.” It didn’t take long for our coworkers to figure out who their “Creepy Pals” were, mostly due to the hysterical laughter we couldn’t quite contain once they started reading their letters. Most people got personalized creepy notes, but there were some people who annoyed and disgusted us so much we couldn’t bring ourselves to write a creepy note specifically about them. We would write a “generic” creepy note--usually signifigantly less explicit than the others--that we would then copy for each staff member we couldn’t bring ourselves to directly sexually harrass. It clearly wasn’t long until Creepy Pals became a standard camp practice for us. We’d arrange our TO at the same time, get together with some snacks and our crayons, and come up with the most borderline vulgar things we could think of. In addition, to secure our title as “Creepy Pals,” we made it a habit to be as creepy around each other as we could. “Smiley, I can’t wait until we share a tent next week,” I would say, for example, in a tiny stage whisper while stroking her arm. “My bed has been so lonely...” We’d go back and forth in a unsettling whisper until one of us cracked and started laughing hysterically. The rest of the staff thought we were a little touched in the head, but it was a generally harmless way to play around with each other without confusing our campers. Well, at least until the girls started asking us if we really had a shrine in our unit house centered around the hair we pulled from Zelda’s brush.

equipment-- currently in Southside-- where all student shows will be until the Stood is operational again - is a massive undertaking on top of waiting for the construction to be finished. By Kristen Whitcomb The whole Student Center will not be accessible until at least next semester. You would think if there was a $2 million Although the construction is all external, renovation going on, the student body would Cliff does have plans for the internal - replacing know. the Book Room will be a Video Arcade decoratApparently not. There's the vague idea ed by VA students with two new generation that construction is happening, and students consoles - XBox and Playstation were both know that the Student Center (affectionately mentioned - and already existing games. nicknamed the Stood) is closed until further Connor is also trying to get the PSGA to take notice, but there is no menover the Seller so that the tion among the student body on-campus thrift store can of a major upheaval. be up and running more reliThe Student Center ably than previous years. was originally intended, And what can we according to current Student expect once the Stood is Center Coordinator Cliff open for business and until Connor, to be a temporary then, at Campus Center structure. So to turn the South? General Stood into a permanent Programming Coordinator establishment, there is and former Student Center major external construction Coordinator, Alex Malamy, underway. A new outer layer is balancing on and off camis being built and 65% of the pus bands to bring the sturoof is being removed and dents what they want. replaced by a glass skylight Booking shows - where that can be opened up to let Purchase kids and their air in from above. Photo by Sabrina Miller guests only are allowed to There is no official date attend - at Southside is a for reopening as of yet because construction different process than at the Stood because started a month late, but minimum student Campus Managers and UPD will be quite a bit access will hopefully be allowed October 2 stricter. Southside is a campus owned building, when Connor will meet with the contractors. To whereas the Stood is owned by the PSGA. facilitate student access sooner, he suggested Checking ID's will be mandatory for you to that the contractors work on the building in sec- check out the amazing bands Malamy is plantions - front to back - so as soon as one section ning including Skeleton Breath, An Albatross, is done, students could use that particular Jacob Fred Jazz Odyssey and alumni bands area. The contractors agreed, and the front The Static and The Vibration - and that's only in section (Whitson's, the pool tables, and the September! October 30th check out Big D and video game area) should be done by October the Kid’s Table - that's right, one of the forefa2. thers of the ska scene is headlining for Unfortunately, not only did the construc- Skalloween. So remember your student ID's tion start late, but all of the equipment and the and if you have any ideas, questions, comstage had to be taken down to avoid debris ments or want to help, feel free to email Alex or damage and so that the contractors could work check out myspace.com/anonymoustiptoe. on the roof. Reconstructing the stage and

The Stood, it is A-Changin’

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Hippocratic Feminist Tendencies
By Jesse McLaren
[This article left unedited at request of the writer]

I am not writing this article out of jest, nor am I writing it with an adverse agenda. I am writing this because, a huge part of the student body (mostly freshmen and commuters) have been very rude to my girlfriend on account of her breast implants. I am not going to give away her name, since she is already embarrassed enough, but I will include a picture, just so the people who are responsible for this will know who they are. Kristin like most girls has low self-esteem. In fact girls like to look sexy for that very reason (hence wearing ponytails and t-shirts). Feminists at this school act very hippocratic by acting like they are all about women’s rights, and then a second later turning around wearing a skirt and wet hair. Its these same girls who will walk past my girlfriend and under their breath say some-

NYPRIG Call to Action
By Dana Frasz
NYPIRG is the state's largest and most effective student-directed advocacy organization and has successfully helped to keep tuition low and the quality of education high. NYPIRG fights hunger and homelessness; leads campaigns to protect the environment, works to lower ATM fees and is working hard to make sure that every Purchase student is registered to vote for the upcoming election. Every year in New York, including here at Purchase, there are attempts to both cut funding for financial aid and attempts to increase tuition. Part of the reason this is happening is because although students represent a large portion of the population here in New York, they are not voting. By not being involved in the political process students are getting their

thing like “she is such a slut” or “what a bitch” because of her breasts. Furthermore, as a side note, you should NEVER call a woman a bitch, its like the nword for women because, one its very offensive to them, and two, they use it as a term of endearment to each other, i.e. “bitch, that dress makes you look fat”. If you want to be a loving boyfriend (or girlfriend if you are a lesbian I guess.) its most important to increase your girlfriends self confidence, especially if she is not smart. You could convince her to get breast implants like I did for Kristin, go on a diet WITH her, to help start her off, or maybe even the best thing is pretend that the outside doesn’t matter as much as the inside does, which I also do. I am more of a feminist then most women, because I take my girlfriend to the galleria, I surprise her with dinner for no reason, and don’t even care if she is hot. Not that she isn’t hot, she totally is, but I would still be her friend if she wasn’t. I just hope after this article people will refrain from being insensitive assholes and making upsetting comments about my girlfriend’s tits. rights abused and their needs overlooked. We can't allow this to happen any longer. We need to make our voices heard and make the issues that are important to us a priority to those in the government. Every semester NYPIRG offers 2-4 credit internships where Purchase students are trained in organizing, public speaking, and leadership skills while working on issues they care about such as higher education, the environment, government reform, homeless outreach, ending sweatshops, and consumer action. This internship is flexible as students may choose their schedule and the issues they want to work on. Whether you need to register to vote, you want an internship or you'd like to help the homeless or work to pass the "Bigger Better Bottle Bill," please contact Dana Frasz at #914251-6986 or stop by the NYPIRG office in the basement of Campus Center North Room 0004.

Brought to you by Sable Yong

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) This week you have the unfortunate (or not) susceptibility to fall under the influence of any sort of words and literature this week. But I guess you get to choose what kind of words and literature. Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your search for genuine peace and accordance in the world will be no further bolstered by the fact that this week you will have to overcome massive distraction in the form of bees. Really big bees. Gemini (May 21-June 20) This week, raising your standards will yield pleasant results. Or no results. Give it a go and reap the wonderful but not necessarily guaranteed benefits. Cancer (June 21-July 22) You'll learn what's been vexing you with fear once you learn to pronounce its Latin origins. Unless you have sophophobia. Leo (July 23-Aug 22) Freshman year is like making pancakes-- you always mess up the first one. That in mind, use this week to make some awesome second pancakes. Figuratively and literally. Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) Instead of fearing the worst, if you believe that the worst has already happened then you are freed to start over and begin reinvention. Consider this week your post-apocalyptic canvas. Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) This week it is up to you: would you rather be happy or like normal people? In whichever decision you make keep in mind that the coming days offer naught but sun and at times fun. Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) You'll be tempted to test the boundaries this week, Scorpio. You'll want to go further than you ever have before in unknown territories. You'll make impulse decisions without a thought of consequences. You'll visit various medical and/or administration centers in response to your actions. Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) It’s in your favor this week to defy countless statistics existing in the world. Give yourself a head start by becoming a high school teacher. Then you can outnumber Walmart employees. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) By relating your week to chess all I can tell you is that it appears to be loosely structured around your ability to succeed with ample strategy and intellect. And possession of a fierce stare-down. Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb 18) It is a damn shame that the coming week will force you to fall in love. There's nothing you can do about it but direct your amorous energies towards the most deserving candidate. Reality television, the new Starbucks coffee in the Hub, your neighbor who appears to lack curtains or blinds... it's up to you. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) You have the rare luck of being a YES (wo)man this week, Pisces. Whether you take this as meaning that you are said Yes to or that you say Yes to everyone, all goes back to the glass half empty/full conundrum. That, and all your weak-willed friends.

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“mtvU” from Front Page... and Social Sciences, who made similar VMA predictions based on a statistical survey of past nominees. Schlesinger, who came to Purchase in 1975, was wary of MTV’s intentions when he agreed to do the interview, considering his admittedly limited knowledge of contemporary rap music. “I was afraid it was going to be one of those, ‘Oh, look at this professor make a fool of himself trying to talk about rap,’ kinds of things” he said. “Frankly, I was afraid they were going to make me look like a bit of an asshole.” However, Schlesinger soon found that his experience in poetics fit nicely with the rhythmic, lyrical genre pioneered by the likes of RunD.M.C. and Grandmaster Flash. “Rap music does have its own private language,” the professor said, referring to the vernacular English (commonly called Ebonics) often implemented by rap musicians. “But most poetry is like that. In the end I wanted to take these songs as seriously as I would want someone to take a poem.” It was Mr. Rhymes’s aptitude of rap’s “private language” that appealed to Schlesinger, and led him to predict victory for the Finding Forrester-star’s collaborative redux of his single, “Touch It.” “Busta had a great line: ‘This spit’s gonna last forever,’” said the professor. “He’s basically saying this rap he’s singing will be immortal. Poets have been saying that forever. Shakespeare said it: ‘This sonnet will last forever.’ I liked the way Busta got sort-of existential

in that way, and acknowledged his song as a song.” Among the other nominees evaluated by Schlesinger were “It’s Goin’ Down” by Young Joc featuring Nitty, and “What You Know” by southern artist, T.I. But it was “Ridin’,” Chamillionaire’s winning video, that drew the harshest criticism from Purchase’s impromptu Lester Bangs. Though Schlesinger liked the so-called Mixtape Messiah’s song, a statement against police brutality, “in it’s own way,” he was turned off by some of the single’s overused rap tropes. “I found certian lines very clichéd,” Schlesinger said. “You know, ‘My car is big and expensive.’ Lines I’ve heard in many other songs.” “Busta’s video had less of that,” he added. “It was more original. He weaved together the styles of a dozen or so different artists into this one song. Missy Elliot was on there, along with a bunch of different rappers. Chamillionaire’s video was less imaginative.” His pre-interview anxieties notwithstanding, Professor Schlesinger says he found the experience of waxing intellectual on the bards of bling an “intriguing” one, and could foresee the practice finding a permanent home in universities. “I learned stuff about the historical conventions that these songs can fit into,” he said. “I think in a larger pop-cultural context they could make an interesting course.” “But not T.I.,” Schlesinger added. ”I didn’t really like his song.”

“Admissions” from Front Page... enough. Also, the location of Sasitorn’s hand made the ring central to the pamphlet’s design. Keeping in mind that the unaltered photo continues to be used in the college’s most important advertising piece, the staff went forward with the alteration. “If they felt like it was such an issue, then they shouldn’t have used my photo,” said Sasitorn. “I don’t like when images are not representing what they actually are. “ Craig believes that there was no malice behind the decision. Admissions knows that there is a need to “advertise” the gay community so that prospective freshmen can know what a liberal college Purchase is. ‘Nothing is more expressive of an institution’s values than its tagline,” he said. “Diversity is something that we celebrate at Purchase. People want to come to college knowing that they’re going to find a community.” Craig has insured that similar mistakes will not happen in the future. The entire Admissions staff has been briefed on proper procedure for marketing and the marketing committee is scheduled to meet twice a month. “I’m happy that this whole situation did help admissions to understand what they did was wrong. The change is very important and it shows that Purchase is an understanding school even though many people could jump to conclusions about a situation like this. I’m glad they’re taking it in a very understanding and apologetic manner.”

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The

Independent
Purchase’s Only Weekly Satire Source
ISSUE 116

Bryan Roberts: Still Not Gay
By Ethan Foster
After many years at Purchase and several attempts at "conversion" by faculty, staff, and students alike, Bryan Roberts, the Interim Director of the Advising Center has retained his heterosexuality, sources reported Wednesday. "We've jumped through hoops," said Blair Gershenson, GLBTU President. "We sent him a bottle of Abercrombie "Fierce," got him third row center seats for the new production of A Chorus Line, and even sent Antonio Commisso to his office, but he still refuses to discard his reprehensible preference." Roberts, who established his heterosexuality in 1981 at a preview screening of Porky's II: The Next Day, claims to have made an effort to appease the campus' aggressive attempts to alter his prefered sexual practices. He was not amused, however, when his co-workers and students took their endeavor to the next level by enrolling him in a series of summer seminars at PATH, Praising and Affirming the Homosexual. "My friends and family kept trying to convince me that I needed an intervention," Roberts said, as he adjusted his freshly pomaded hair. "They tried to call me out on my seven color pinstripe shirts and my wake-up routine of pilates, twenty minutes with Diane and Robin, and a breakfast of lightly buttered raisin toast." Concerned parties sent Roberts to several PATH seminars, such as "Miniature Schnauzer Grooming," "Aligning Your Rainbow Shakras for Dummies," "Pride in Prada," and "Metro is Just Another Word for Closet." Though frustrated, Roberts couldn't help but admit that the seminars were ultimately a postive experience. "Who knew you put fabric softener in after the detergent?" he said. "My imported leopardprint silk jammies are twice as soft as before!" Roberts's girlfriend, who asked to remain anonymous, affirmed his heterosexuality. "Sure, he may appear gay at first glance, but closer inspection clearly reveals his deep devotion to the ladies. I mean, take a look at his shoes. They may be Ferragamo, but look how scuffed they are. Have you ever seen a gay man with scuffed shoes? I know he likes theatre, but he only likes straight theatre, like the hot girl-on-girl action of Wicked." Still, Gershenson and company will not abandon their tireless struggle. “Come on, Bryan Roberts,” she said. “If Lance Bass can do it, so can you.”

Ritazza Coffee Fired from Hub
Moves Back into Parents’ Basement
By Erika Gunderson
It’s a late Tuesday morning here in the quiet Pennsylvania town of Black Rock. Streets are barren as most of the town has commuted to nearby Scranton or New York and Westchester to put in their 9 to 5. But in a periwinkle-blue townhouse on the west side of town, Ritazza Original Roast coffee spends the day watching The Price is Right and downloading PlayStation 2 cheat codes in his parents’ furnished basement. “I’m kind of in-between jobs right now,” said the caffeinated beverage pausing his round of Grand Turismo. “But, you know, I’ll be back in the ol’cup holder real soon.” Last month, Ritazza was fired from its position as the official coffee of Purchase College. But rather than join fellow jobless beverages at the unemployment office, the sub-standard cup of java had different plans. “I have a friend, Coke II, who’s been without a job since the late-80s,” Ritazza said. “It recommended I go on drink unemployment with him and his friends, Crystal Pepsi and Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler. But why do that when I can live at home, rent free?” So, in late august, the hot liquid moved back in with its parents while he “sorts things out” and avoids what he calls the “shallow corporate world of contem-

Graphic by Emily Farrell porary brewing.” You know, these days there’s so much pressure on fresh coffee to avoid exotic flavors and refresh midlevel accountants while they talk about last night’s Lost on their lunch break or play Geometry Wars at their terminals when their boss isn’t looking. Ritazza claims its decision to return home was “the best idea” it had ever had, citing the economic benefits, as well as the perks of living with its mother, who regularly replaces the coffee’s artificial sweetener and launders its cardboard insulating sleeve. “I’m just happy to have my baby back,” said Ritazza’s elated mother, Beatrice Roast. “It seems like just yesterday it was a little decaf fresh out of the pot,” she added, tearing up. Ritazza’s father, Bruce Roast, who was forced to move his comprehensive miniature replica of the battle of Gettysburg to the attic following his coffee’s return, did not share his wife’s warm nostalgia. “If you ask me, it’s wasting the freshest years of its life down there,” said the taciturn Mr. Roast. “When I was its age I had two jobs and an honorable discharge from the Marine Corps. Meanwhile, this ungrateful Folgers wanna-be is going stale and spilling all over my new carpet.” Ritazza Original Roast, brewed 33 years, says it is unconcerned with the lack of privacy and independence of its new settings, which it describes as “totally sweet.” “Yeah, sometimes the folks encroach on my personal space,” said medium-ground Ritazza. “But they know when they open that basement door and pass that Stone Cold Steve Austin poster next to the water heater not to cramp my style.” “My bold, flavorful style,” it added.

P L AY HO US E FOR $8, 900 * LI FE SIZED STUFFED B ABY E L E P H A N T FOR $7 00 * P ERSONAL IZED S LEEP ING BAG FOR $2 10

Approved by Admissions Marketing Procedures, It’s the Indy

WARNING: H e ll o, Side effects of reading the T h i s i s Kr i st i n * * * ** * , a nd I gi v e t h e BackPage: p ur c h ase i nd e p e n de nt p e r m i ss i o n blurry vision, depression, involunt o u se m y p i ct u r e f o r J e ss e ’ s tary banter and anal leakage s t u p i d ar t i c le a b o ut f ak e b oo b i e s. - k * ** * * * Iwish Iwe didn’t have the wor ‘I don’t ds p .s . m y b o ob s a re r e a l, b y t h e know’ in our language so for eign peow a y. "no lauren don't come in! i'm jerking off!" "She's playing 'Paris Is Burning' on the first Friday of the semester? What a Debbie Downer."

Academic Student Services: no rear entry.
Just like the third little pig's house, this sch o ol stood against a hurricane. Better luck next time

ple would have no way of getting out of doing things.

The walk of shame without the consolation of a shameful act
I was
 a
 little
 too
 overexuberent
 as
 I whipped
 it out. 




Death be not proud. Unless you’re on the Titanic.
“Can
i
 borrow
a
feeling
 /
could
 you lend
 me
a
jar
of
love?
/
 hurtin’
hearts need
healing
/
Let
me
touch
you
 with my
glove
of
love.”

GL B TU’ s L ave nda r L uau ! T h ur s day at 8p m i n C CS 0037
“I think I can learn to like llamas enough to farm them.”
The fence migrated.

"The kiosk in my temporal lobe is shaped like rosalyn carter."
Mermaider! Mermaider! Memaider!

“Madness is to think of too ma ny things in succession too fa st, or of one thing too exclu s i v e ly” - vo lta i r e
MUSIC ~ POETRY ~ EXPRESSION RHYMEBOOK A NEW SPACE FOR POETS AND SONGWRITERS GENERAL INTEREST MEETING THURSDAY AT 9PM ALUMNI VILLAGE LOUNGE BLDG 10

"Who are you?" "Yeah, I live here. This is my room. Who are you?"
ResNet: Purchase's virtual fence.

um, i have one ques tion. can i have a cookie? pLEASE??!!!
V- "So wait, how many of your backpage quotes do you usually get accepted?" J - "All of them! Do you KNOW who i AM??"

This
isn’t
fort
awesome--this
is fort
hot
guys. except
for
Joe
Cavouto,
that
is.
I don’t care how you do it. I want my snare Drum back -3039 I t ’s not “I’ve never had to knock on wood.” It’s “I’ve Never had to, knock on wo o d . ” "I
figure
everybody
pretty
much knows." "Yeah,
if
you
don't
smoke pot...you
pretty
much
don't
go
to Purchase."

your playground is only as good as its jungle gym.

"In the expression Topsy-turvy, what exactly is meant by turvy?" - George Carlin
“I lost my dignity somewhere between outback and the new.”

It's not time-travel if you get caught.

he’ll save the children but not the british children
FALLOUT SEPTEMBER

"I tried to give up heroin, but my efforts were all in vein." - George Carlin

7PM
CHOOSE BACK

4 8, 2006 @ CCS

Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray. Seems a bit anti-climactic, doesn't it?
Tyler, you are my beautiful barbie doll and I heart you <3

“He is the skirt’s bad accessory”
"poOL"

“I

WALKED IN ON MY ROOMATE MASTURBATING AT THEIR COMPUTER... TO CARTOONS.”

- SILENCE THE FEED- A-BOMB SUITE CHELSEA PORTEUS - KERRI MCLOONE - DAN HAIRSTON SCOTT MASON - T WILIGHT OF THE IDLE - JOHN MANNION PA N OS - RAC H EL B R O W N E MAT T CHA MBERS

Where is my Salvador Dali daily calendar? Please return it to Dana CCN 04 x6986 Good Karma awaits you.
Theo... how you gon’ show up and not drop in?

Yo these koopas act so fresh.


				
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