MISINFORMING ALBION FOR 119 YEARS The Plebian Get- Fried Day, “As you can April 4, 2003 see this barely Volume 119 qualifies as Number 1 news.” -Kent Brockman. YEARLY ALBION COLLEGE YEARLY www.albion.edu/pleiad Ken Snyder appointed director of IN THE NEWS Liberal Arts Against Terrorism The College’s Highest Office. In an exclu- sive interview . By S. ADDAM BLITZER ing Snyder’s experience with Albion with the prestigious SNews Editor College Campus Safety’s walkie-talkie Chronicle of network. “Should a terrorist decide to Higher As the war to liberate Iraq contin- strike, our ability to walkie-talkie back Education, President Mitchell ues to escalate, the threat of an attack and forth across campus will Shock expounds upon “The Vision.” Visit upon U.S. soil increases with each pass- and Awe them into submission,” the marsupials of PTM’s mind. ing day. In response to the threat of an Snyder said . Adrag Queen / The Plebian Take it further and go along for a attack within the undustrail town of Coalition members plan to use the trip to to the antipodes of “Lib- Albion, Mi., President of Albion Col- full power of their ability to issue park- eral Arts at Work.” Synchronicity lege Peter T. Mitchell and Albion Col- ing citations. All terroists wanting to lege Campus Safety Director Kenneth park on campus will be required to reg- spoken here. Pg. 2 Snyder have formed a multi-faceted coa- ister for a temp. parking pass. OPINIONS lition entitled Liberal Arts Against Ter- Snyder also called the potent com- Love Letters to the Editor. rorism (L.A.A.T.). bination of Campus Safety’s surplus This week The Pleiad was inun- “The purpose of naming our coali- Red team go. Newly appointed L.A.A.T. Commander in Chief, Ken of flashlight-powering double D bat- dated with tear-stained letters of tion L.A.A.T. is to dissuade potential Snyder, demonstrates the walkie-talkie shock and awe campaign. teries, the Campus Safety officer who admiration. One secret admirer terrorists from attacking by threaten- from all aspects of the real world and I Mitchell’s decision to appoint thinks he is a T-1000 Terminator, the writes, “You editors are so sexy, ing them with the full wrath of every anticipate that, even in the face of a ter- Snyder to the position of Commander direct phone line to Albion Public wanna play war? Lay down and possible hackneyed Liberal Arts at... rorist strike, this trend will continue,” in Chief was a major blow to the egos of Safety and the new web site dedicated I’ll blow the hell out of you.” An- acronym that they can handle. We also Mitchell said. other dominant male types on campus. to informing students about emergen- other victim of the ever-seductive hope that, in the worst case scenario of Mitchell appointed Campus Safety “I stand with my 14.5 inch arms crossed cies a further deterrent to potential ter- Pleiad exclaims, “Your lilting an actual attack, our Calhoun County Director Ken Snyder Commander in Chief in the Baldwin entrance every day. I rorists. verses cause me to tremble to my certified anti-terrorist battalion will de- of L.A.A.T.. “Since I played J.V. Foot- even go down to the Dow and do a few Snyder also wanted to stress that very core!” Turn to the centerfold fend and protect our students from the ball in High School and because I used to Lat pull downs on Mondays. When was underage drinking in Wesley Hall sup- to see absolutely everything we dangers of an attack,” Mitchell said. watch all those Delta Force movies on the last time that chump Snyder wore a ports terrorism. “All underage drink- have to offer. Pg. 4 “During my tenure as President we T.N.T., President Mitchell appointed me cutoff T-shirt?,”said the Baldwin Guy. ers will be dealt with as all terrorists have successfully shielded all students director of L.A.A.T.,” Snyder said. Mitchell defended his selection, cit- should be dealt with,” Snyder said. FEET-URES Money Club is doing golden! President Mitchell rushed to City compensates for non-existent Follow the rise of a brand new group on campus, Money Club. hospital after face ‘stays that way’ economy with parking fines “The purpose of Money Club is By RIM JOBBINS Park when a pack of ruffians ap- to get as much money as we can Sports Bar Editor proached me,” said Peter Spoyle, and buy completely useless items According to a recent survey by Bloomfield Hills senior. “They roughed of self-indulgence. Right now Cash Money Magazine, the city of me up with a broken 40-ounce beer we’re trying to build a swimming Albion is no longer at risk of becoming bottle and then stole my Neiman pool in the shape of a dollar sign, an “economically defunct and decrepit Marcus sweater.” fill it with money and swim in it,” city” and is now considered a In a recent CNN report, correspon- said Damn Welivewell money “promising collection of abandoned dent Nick Robinson reported that club’s president. Pg. 6 buildings.” “loud booms” could be heard around POOR SPORTS Why the recent economic surge in the city and that a cloud of smoke could lovely Albion? Because the city decided be seen over the city. Citizens were Men’s B-Ball in Final Four to up parking fines and assign more relieved to find out that it was just fac- “This really shows that Albion officers to the duty of patrolling streets tory smoke and evaporating dreams. sports are not a joke in the slight- in search of those ever-disruptive “I seen this one car parked kinda est,” said A. Tad Dull, team cap- illegally-parking vandals who infest the close to the crosswalk and the law tain. ESPN is in town to follow streets from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. every clearly states that one mustn’t park Photo Courtesy of The Pleiad Office Wall Albion’s spring sporting events. morning. wittin twenty feet,” said deputy “How did we miss this goldmine “We felt that since there ain’t really Richard Small. “So I got out and of great entertainment?” said one any biznisses makin’ any money here, measured the distance and that little producer. Pg. 8 we oughtta just tax the damn college Lotus Esprit was parked twenty-two INDEX kids a little more,” said police officer C. feet away…but I wrote a ticket Snews..........................................1-3 Orupt. “And wit dem drivin’ round in anyway!” Small said. “ I came back an As the Wee See It.........................4 their Lexuses and Land Rovers and what hour later and wrote another ticket for Love Letters to the Editor............4 not, we figured they wouldn’t even the same thing and there ain’t a darned Opium..........................................4-5 notice.” thing anyone can do about it cause you Sex on the Desk of........................5 Meanwhile, crime around the city gotta go all the way to Battle Creek to Defeatures..........................................6 After years of ignoring doctors’ orders to stop smiling, President has escalated to a feverish pitch, as fight a two-dollar ticket,” Small said. Weak Players .................................7 Peter T. Mitchell was rushed to the Albion Health Center after he almost the entire police fleet has been “Heh, heh,” he added. Poor Sports................................ 7-8 was unable to relax his face from what was reportedly the 401,397th Sports Rehab..................................8 given the sole responsibility of Relief may be in sight for college forced smile of his tenure as Albion College President. “I always monitoring parking on and around the students. Due to lack of funding, the thought that it was just an old wives’ tale, but here I am, living college campus. city is running out of ticket paper, and The Pleiad proof that your mothers were right. Your face really can stay that Violent crimes are becoming a nightly recently began issuing tickets written (517) 629-UPYRS way,” Mitchell said. Doctors offered little hope for recovery. “Hi occurrence around the city. “I was en- on napkins and toilet paper, but the Plaid@albion.edu everybody! I’m Doctor Nick Riviera,” his bedside physician said. www.albion.edu/pleiastered joying a lovely stroll through Victory state has refused to recognize them.