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					                                                                               MISINFORMING ALBION FOR 119 YEARS

                                                                The                                                                   Plebian
                 Get- Fried Day,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                “As you can
                  April 4, 2003
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                see this barely
                  Volume 119
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                qualifies    as
                   Number 1

                                                                                ALBION COLLEGE YEARLY

     Ken Snyder appointed director of

     Liberal Arts Against Terrorism
The College’s Highest Office.
In an exclu-
sive interview
.                                                       By S. ADDAM BLITZER                                                                                                                                                                                   ing Snyder’s experience with Albion
with the
prestigious                                                         SNews Editor                                                                                                                                                                              College Campus Safety’s walkie-talkie
Chronicle of                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  network. “Should a terrorist decide to
Higher                                                      As the war to liberate Iraq contin-                                                                                                                                                               strike, our ability to walkie-talkie back
Education, President Mitchell                           ues to escalate, the threat of an attack                                                                                                                                                              and forth across campus will Shock
expounds upon “The Vision.” Visit                       upon U.S. soil increases with each pass-                                                                                                                                                              and Awe them into submission,”
the marsupials of PTM’s mind.                           ing day. In response to the threat of an                                                                                                                                                              Snyder said .

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Adrag Queen / The Plebian
Take it further and go along for a                      attack within the undustrail town of                                                                                                                                                                    Coalition members plan to use the
trip to to the antipodes of “Lib-                       Albion, Mi., President of Albion Col-                                                                                                                                                                 full power of their ability to issue park-
eral Arts at Work.” Synchronicity                       lege Peter T. Mitchell and Albion Col-                                                                                                                                                                ing citations. All terroists wanting to
                                                        lege Campus Safety Director Kenneth                                                                                                                                                                   park on campus will be required to reg-
spoken here.               Pg. 2
                                                        Snyder have formed a multi-faceted coa-                                                                                                                                                               ister for a temp. parking pass.
 OPINIONS                                               lition entitled Liberal Arts Against Ter-                                                                                                                                                               Snyder also called the potent com-
Love Letters to the Editor.                             rorism (L.A.A.T.).                                                                                                                                                                                    bination of Campus Safety’s surplus
This week The Pleiad was inun-                              “The purpose of naming our coali-         Red team go. Newly appointed L.A.A.T. Commander in Chief, Ken                                                                                           of flashlight-powering double D bat-
dated with tear-stained letters of                      tion L.A.A.T. is to dissuade potential        Snyder, demonstrates the walkie-talkie shock and awe campaign.                                                                                          teries, the Campus Safety officer who
admiration. One secret admirer                          terrorists from attacking by threaten-        from all aspects of the real world and I        Mitchell’s decision to appoint                                                                          thinks he is a T-1000 Terminator, the
writes, “You editors are so sexy,                       ing them with the full wrath of every         anticipate that, even in the face of a ter- Snyder to the position of Commander                                                                         direct phone line to Albion Public
wanna play war? Lay down and                            possible hackneyed Liberal Arts at...         rorist strike, this trend will continue,” in Chief was a major blow to the egos of                                                                      Safety and the new web site dedicated
I’ll blow the hell out of you.” An-                     acronym that they can handle. We also         Mitchell said.                              other dominant male types on campus.                                                                        to informing students about emergen-
other victim of the ever-seductive                      hope that, in the worst case scenario of         Mitchell appointed Campus Safety “I stand with my 14.5 inch arms crossed                                                                             cies a further deterrent to potential ter-
Pleiad exclaims, “Your lilting                          an actual attack, our Calhoun County          Director Ken Snyder Commander in Chief in the Baldwin entrance every day. I                                                                             rorists.
verses cause me to tremble to my                        certified anti-terrorist battalion will de-   of L.A.A.T.. “Since I played J.V. Foot- even go down to the Dow and do a few                                                                               Snyder also wanted to stress that
very core!” Turn to the centerfold                      fend and protect our students from the        ball in High School and because I used to Lat pull downs on Mondays. When was                                                                           underage drinking in Wesley Hall sup-
to see absolutely everything we                         dangers of an attack,” Mitchell said.         watch all those Delta Force movies on the last time that chump Snyder wore a                                                                            ports terrorism. “All underage drink-
have to offer.               Pg. 4                         “During my tenure as President we          T.N.T., President Mitchell appointed me cutoff T-shirt?,”said the Baldwin Guy.                                                                          ers will be dealt with as all terrorists
                                                        have successfully shielded all students       director of L.A.A.T.,” Snyder said.           Mitchell defended his selection, cit-                                                                     should be dealt with,” Snyder said.
Money Club is doing golden!                             President Mitchell rushed to         City compensates for non-existent
Follow the rise of a brand new
group on campus, Money Club.                            hospital after face ‘stays that way’ economy with parking fines
“The purpose of Money Club is                                                                                                                                                                  By RIM JOBBINS                                                 Park when a pack of ruffians ap-
to get as much money as we can                                                                                                                                                                      Sports Bar Editor                                         proached me,” said Peter Spoyle,
and buy completely useless items                                                                                                                                                             According to a recent survey by                                  Bloomfield Hills senior. “They roughed
of self-indulgence. Right now                                                                                                                                                           Cash Money Magazine, the city of                                      me up with a broken 40-ounce beer
we’re trying to build a swimming                                                                                                                                                        Albion is no longer at risk of becoming                               bottle and then stole my Neiman
pool in the shape of a dollar sign,                                                                                                                                                     an “economically defunct and decrepit                                 Marcus sweater.”
fill it with money and swim in it,”                                                                                                                                                     city” and is now considered a                                            In a recent CNN report, correspon-
said Damn Welivewell money                                                                                                                                                              “promising collection of abandoned                                    dent Nick Robinson reported that
club’s president.           Pg. 6                                                                                                                                                       buildings.”                                                           “loud booms” could be heard around
 POOR SPORTS                                                                                                                                                                               Why the recent economic surge in                                   the city and that a cloud of smoke could
                                                                                                                                                                                        lovely Albion? Because the city decided                               be seen over the city. Citizens were
Men’s B-Ball in Final Four
                                                                                                                                                                                        to up parking fines and assign more                                   relieved to find out that it was just fac-
“This really shows that Albion
                                                                                                                                                                                        officers to the duty of patrolling streets                            tory smoke and evaporating dreams.
sports are not a joke in the slight-
                                                                                                                                                                                        in search of those ever-disruptive                                       “I seen this one car parked kinda
est,” said A. Tad Dull, team cap-
                                                                                                                                                                                        illegally-parking vandals who infest the                              close to the crosswalk and the law
tain. ESPN is in town to follow
                                                                                                                                                                                        streets from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. every                                   clearly states that one mustn’t park
                                                                                                                                             Photo Courtesy of The Pleiad Office Wall

Albion’s spring sporting events.
                                                                                                                                                                                        morning.                                                              wittin twenty feet,” said deputy
“How did we miss this goldmine
                                                                                                                                                                                            “We felt that since there ain’t really                            Richard Small. “So I got out and
of great entertainment?” said one
                                                                                                                                                                                        any biznisses makin’ any money here,                                  measured the distance and that little
producer.                    Pg. 8                                                                                                                                                      we oughtta just tax the damn college                                  Lotus Esprit was parked twenty-two
 INDEX                                                                                                                                                                                  kids a little more,” said police officer C.                           feet away…but I wrote a ticket
Snews..........................................1-3                                                                                                                                      Orupt. “And wit dem drivin’ round in                                  anyway!” Small said. “ I came back an
As the Wee See It.........................4                                                                                                                                             their Lexuses and Land Rovers and what                                hour later and wrote another ticket for
Love Letters to the Editor............4                                                                                                                                                 not, we figured they wouldn’t even                                    the same thing and there ain’t a darned
Opium..........................................4-5                                                                                                                                      notice.”                                                              thing anyone can do about it cause you
Sex on the Desk of........................5                                                                                                                                                 Meanwhile, crime around the city                                  gotta go all the way to Battle Creek to
Defeatures..........................................6   After years of ignoring doctors’ orders to stop smiling, President                                                              has escalated to a feverish pitch, as                                 fight a two-dollar ticket,” Small said.
Weak Players .................................7         Peter T. Mitchell was rushed to the Albion Health Center after he                                                               almost the entire police fleet has been                               “Heh, heh,” he added.
Poor Sports................................ 7-8         was unable to relax his face from what was reportedly the 401,397th
Sports Rehab..................................8                                                                                                                                         given the sole responsibility of                                         Relief may be in sight for college
                                                        forced smile of his tenure as Albion College President. “I always                                                               monitoring parking on and around the                                  students. Due to lack of funding, the
                                                        thought that it was just an old wives’ tale, but here I am, living                                                              college campus.                                                       city is running out of ticket paper, and
           The Pleiad                                   proof that your mothers were right. Your face really can stay that                                                                 Violent crimes are becoming a nightly                              recently began issuing tickets written
       (517) 629-UPYRS                                  way,” Mitchell said. Doctors offered little hope for recovery. “Hi                                                              occurrence around the city. “I was en-                                on napkins and toilet paper, but the
       Plaid@albion.edu                                 everybody! I’m Doctor Nick Riviera,” his bedside physician said.
   www.albion.edu/pleiastered                                                                                                                                                           joying a lovely stroll through Victory                                state has refused to recognize them.

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