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January 2010
GRIEF IN THE WORKPLACE died, leaving behind her husband and two children. When
By Kate R. Casey, M.C., LMHC I sent an e-mail of support to her husband after the
woman’s death, his office auto reply stated he was out of
the office for the week and would be back in the following
As a volunteer at Evergreen Hospice, I have had many
Monday. What that implies is that he will be back after
experiences with people who are grieving, and one of the
seven days as a fully functioning member of the work
tasks I do at Hospice is bereavement calling. If a family
force at his company. He will leave his grief at home and
or friend has had someone die while receiving hospice
maintain his standard of competency in the work place.
care, with their permission we will call them monthly for
For some that may seem acceptable; to me it’s not accept-
up to 13 months after the death. I was making my calls
able at all. While there is no set time frame for the grief
one day when I happened to reach someone who was
process, I know it doesn’t fit within a one-week period of
grateful for the timing of my call. He told me his boss had
time.
come to him the day before and told him he needed to get
help because he wasn’t fulfilling his job responsibilities. Myths about Grief
His wife had died three months before and she had been Myth 1. We only grieve deaths
sick for quite a while before that. Reality. We grieve all losses
The man on the phone was wondering what HE was
Myth 2. Only family members grieve.
doing wrong because he just “couldn’t get it together and
Reality. All those who are attached grieve.
it had been three months and why aren’t I coping better?”
On top of this, he had two children that were also not
Myth 3. Grief is an emotional reaction.
coping well with the loss of their mother. Fortunately, this
Reality. Grief is manifested in many ways.
person was desperate enough to listen to what I suggested
he do: get professional support for himself and his chil-
Myth 4. An individual should leave grieving at home.
dren so they could process their grief together and indi-
Reality. We cannot control where we grieve.
vidually; let his boss know that he needed more time off
than the two weeks he had allocated for bereavement; and
Myth 5. We slowly and predictably recover from grief.
let himself feel the loss of his wife and try to process all
Reality. Grief is an uneven process, a roller coaster with
the changes that he and his children were facing as a result
no timeline.
of their loss.
American society is such a diverse and complex continued
mixture of people, culture, and customs that we have very
few shared rituals and more importantly, shared knowl-
edge about the grief process. Most of us expect to pick up
the pieces rather quickly after experiencing significant
losses such as death, divorce, chronic and life-threatening
illnesses, family moves, and separation from familiar
communities. I recently went to the funeral of a woman
who had been very ill with cancer for a year before she
1
GRIEF IN THE WORKPLACE – CONTINUED
Myth 6. Grieving means letting go of the person scheduled to have surgery to remove a brain tumor. They
who has died. were also parents of a 6-month-old baby. The night before
Reality. We never fully detach. she was to have surgery she died. The entire school and
community were distraught about this teacher’s loss and
Myth 7. Grief finally ends. wondered whether he would return to teaching at the
Reality. Over time most people learn to live with loss. school. My granddaughter said to me, “I feel so sad for
Mr. _____ because he was always so happy and such a
Myth 8. Grievers are best left alone. good teacher and now he won’t be able to laugh again and
Reality. Grievers need opportunities to share their memo- he won’t want to teach. I don’t know if I want to even see
ries and grief, and to receive support. him again because I don’t know what to say to him.”
-Hospice Foundation of America
I told my granddaughter that even though this was a
terrible loss for this teacher, that Mr. _____ would one
What this means is that the work place must make day laugh again and that he would return to teaching
room for the employee or employer who is returning to because it had always meant so much to him and to his
work and still feeling vulnerable and shell-shocked from wife and that there would be people that would help him
the recent events. They may want to return to a familiar raise his daughter. I told her that when he did return to the
routine as a way to feel back in control of their lives, but school she could simply say, “Mr. _____, it’s good to see
grievers need to understand that they will need to make you!,” smile and keep walking.
time for processing feelings, thoughts, memories, regrets,
resentments, bodily aches and pains, and eventually, a re- He did return after a long time and he did laugh again.
birth of sorts, even if it requires that meetings get resched- He continues to be an excellent teacher both in the class-
uled, workloads reshuffled, and the routine shaken. The room and as an example to the students and the commu-
following is one definition of grief: nity of what it means to grieve and continue on.
Grief: The process of psychological, social, and somatic What do you do when you work with someone who is
reactions to the perception of loss. grieving, whether it is a fellow worker or an employer?
Ask them specifically how they are doing and then listen.
This implies that grief is:
Tell them you are sad for their loss, or their impending
a. Manifested in each of the psychological, social, and loss (there is such a thing as anticipatory grieving) and
somatic realms that words don’t seem to express what it must be like, and
b. A continuing development involving many changes then listen. Let them know if they need to take their time
with a task or project, that it is acceptable to do that.
c. A natural, expectable reaction
Don’t preach or look for “a bright side” to cover up your
d. The reaction to the experience of many kinds of loss, own discomfort. Listen. If, as in the case of the man at
not necessarily death alone the beginning of this article, you see your employee or
fellow worker struggling, remind them that there is help
e. Based upon the unique, individualistic perception of
through human resources, if you have that available in
loss by the griever; that is, it is not necessary to have the
your business, or that there are professionals in the com-
loss recognized or validated by others for the person to
munity such as bereavement counselors, licensed mental
experience grief.
health counselors, psychologists, social workers, and
-Theresa A. Rando, Grief, Dying and Death
spiritual advisors. Listen. And remember, each person
Often what happens when we are confronted with has their own way of grieving. One person might want to
someone who has experienced a loss is that we don’t know talk about it while another may not say a word. Don’t
what to say or how to be with that person. We are uncom- decide how someone is “supposed” to be grieving. Allow
fortable with the prospect that, “that could have been me for the differences.
whose wife, husband, mother, father, child, has died and I “Grief and pain are the price we humans have to pay
don’t want to think or feel about that.” So we don’t say
for the love and total commitment we have for another
anything or we avoid that person or we act as if it is
person. The more we love, the more we are hurt when we
business as usual. When my granddaughter was in lose the object of our love. But if we are honest with
elementary school, the wife of one of the teachers was
ourselves, would we have it any other way?”
- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
2
LISTENING … AND NOT LISTENING
Signs of a Good Listener
• Says “yes” with an open, accepting posture of heart.
V OLUNTEER CORNER
• Listens to the silence, welcomes growth gaps. WHY I AM A HOSPICE VOLUNTEER
• Doesn’t presume to have the full truth.
My name is George. I have been a Hospice volunteer
• Senses what others are feeling without presuming.
for a very long time. I have often been asked the question,
• Steps inside the other’s situation; “walks in their shoes.”
“George, how come you don’t “burn out” from all the
• Reflects thoughts and feelings.
years you have volunteered with dying people and with
• Receives a person as they are, judging nothing.
their families and friends?” My answer is so simple for
• Allows the person to stumble over their words. me, and I’m sure many other volunteers have the same
• Puts aside his/her own concerns and needs. feelings.
• Looks for the meaning behind the words. I answer the question, very sincerely, “If I didn’t have
• Checks to see if they understand the meaning. my Hospice Volunteer involvement, I would surely then
• Helps identify positive thoughts and feelings. experience the “burn out” you ask about. As Hospice
volunteers, we give ever so much during each of our many
Signs of a Poor Listener visits with our dying patients, with their hurting family
• Interrupts the flow of speech or thinking. members and with their loving friends. But one of the
• Changes the subject. secrets of our longevity as Hospice volunteers is: We get
• Thinks of her/his reply while the other is speaking. ever so much back from each of our timely visits with our
• Gives advice rather than sharing in the search for an- patients. Our visits are a two-way street. We give a little of
swers. ourselves to each of those patients who are getting ready
• Generalizes by stating that the other person is the same
for their journey, and in turn we are graced with that warm
feeling that we are helping them and their loved ones face
as everyone else.
this death with dignity.”
• Jumps to conclusions and makes interpretations.
• Tries to fix the “problem.”
• Moves mentally and emotionally outside the situation.
• Moves her/his hands or feet or bodily position a lot.
• Says, “The same thing happened to me.”
• Feels that he/she has to fill the pauses or silences.
Waiting in Line
• Avoids the other’s questions.
• Focuses only on the other person’s negative thoughts and
feelings. When you listen you reach
Source: Amitabha Hospice – New Zealand into dark corners and
pull out your wonders.
FAMILY SURVEYS When you listen your
ideas come in and out
“Hospice is such a wonderful organization. The staff
like they were waiting in line.
has been just wonderful to my mom and me. I don’t know
Your ears don’t always listen.
if I could have made it without the care and love hospice
It can be your brain, your
gave my mom.”
fingers, your toes.
“This was the third time I have had the help and You can listen anywhere
support of hospice and cannot say enough how much I your mind might not want to go.
appreciate everything the wonderful caregivers did. Could If you can listen you can find
not have been any better. I wish more people knew about answers to questions you didn’t know.
hospice and the very, very special care and kindness they If you have listened, truly
provide. Thank you so much.” listened, you don’t find
“My experience with Evergreen Hospice was just yourself alone.
amazing. The extensive support, information and compas-
sion provided allowed me to fully experience the last ~ Nick Penna, fifth grade ~
moments of my mother’s life without fear or worry. She
(In Poetic Medicine by John Fox)
felt very well cared for. Thank you!”
www.poeticmedicine.com
3
EVERGREEN THRESHOLD CHOIR
LOOKING FOR NEW MEMBERS
Being present as a person crosses the threshold from
this world to whatever is next is not for everyone, but even
if you cannot imagine yourself doing that, you can still be
UPDATES & a part of the Threshold Choir. We do lots of singing in the
hallway of the hospice center so the music drifts down
ANNOUNCEMENTS both wings (staff enjoys it, too). We put lots of good
energy into the building, and in so doing, we heal our-
SAYING GOODBYE selves, also. The world is spinning awfully fast some days
and sitting and singing quiet meditative songs is a great
It is with great sadness that we let you know of the
way to slow down and be present to life.
death of our dear, kind volunteer Jane Halsey. Her son
Tim stopped by in December to let us know of her unex- Come by and see what the music is about - let us sing
pected death in early November. It is such a shock and it’s to you. (Females only, sorry gents) We meet every
not really sinking in that she is gone. She had been a Thursday in the Reflection Room from 5:00 to 7:00 p.m.
volunteer for the Evergreen Hospice Center since 1993,
For more information, contact Sue Bartels at
working on the wings and most recently in the evenings at
206.361.3742
the reception desk. Many of us didn’t get a chance to see
her much except at the luncheons or in-services because [A note from Sue: Kate Munger, Threshold Choir
she was one of the few who could work the “late shift.” founder, is leading a group of women on a pilgrimage to
She was warm, friendly and gentle in her nature and Montserrat, Spain, where they will sing songs of peace
always had a smile on her face. Her dedication to hospice and joy in the monastery of Santa Maria de Montserrat, a
and the work we do is evident in her 16 years of volunteer place where, in the Middle Ages and beyond, many
service. Jewish, Christian and Muslim pilgrims joined together in
song and dance. These women have compiled a repertoire
There will be a memorial service for her, but the date
from many traditions and languages—Hebrew, Arabic,
has yet to be set. We will let you know the details of the
Latin, Catalan and English, including the beautiful Libre
service when we receive that information from her son.
Vermell, which they will sing in the Basilica at
Montserrat.
VOLUNTEER DEPARTMENT CHANGES They will share their experience in a documentary to
We have a new manager! Marcia Long, the manager be released sometime in 2010. To learn more about the
of the volunteer department at the hospital, is now over- Threshold Choir, visit their website at
seeing the hospice volunteer department. This will help us www.thresholdchoir.org.]
to have more consistency, as before the three volunteer
coordinators for hospice had different supervisors. We
FLU INFORMATION
have always worked with the hospital department, but it
will be great to be working even more closely together. For more information and links concerning the flu,
please see the Evergreen Healthcare website at:
CAN VOLUNTEER TIME BE DEDUCTED http://www.evergreenhealthcare.org/top_nav/health/
FROM A VOLUNTEER’S INCOME TAXES? swine_flu.htm
In a word, no. Time spent performing services for a
charitable organization is not tax-deductible. However, PHOTOGRAPHS AND MEMORIES
mileage for vehicle use incurred while volunteering may
Soulumination, founded by Lynette Huffman Johnson,
be deductible as long as the purpose of the trip was not
celebrates the lives of children and parents facing life
recreational and other criteria are met. The IRS offers tips
threatening conditions by providing professional photo-
on claiming tax deductions for charitable contributions
graphs—free of charge—of these special individuals and
online at: http://www.independentsector.org/programs/gr/
their families. See their website for more information at:
tax_time_tips.html
www.soulumination.org
4
REBECCA’S RAINBOW PROTECTING YOUR PRIVACY WHEN
CALLING FAMILIES FROM HOME
Rebecca’s Rainbow is a new organization that helps
loving pet owners who are critically or terminally ill keep Using our home phone risks our own privacy If you
their pets with them as long as possible, and finds new do not have Call Blocking as the default on your home
homes for those pets when they are left behind. They are phone, you can dial *67 + number you are dialing. This
looking for people to become foster parents to the pets will block your number from showing up on patients/
who are left behind as they search for permanent homes families’ caller ID for that specific call.
for them. Their phone number is 206.818.2778, and their
website is www.rebeccasrainbow.org
REMINDER: IN-SERVICES AVAILABLE
ON VIDEO AT HOSPICE
ADOPT A SENIOR CITIZEN DOG
Making End of Life Decisions presented by Cynthia
Visit www.olddoghaven.org to see the senior dogs Tomik, MSW and Janet Kuller, MSW
who are in need of homes or sponsorship. This organiza-
Pain and Symptom Management: Signs and Symptoms
tion helps dogs to live their last years with people rather
of Approaching Death presented by Patty Wiltz, RN
than in shelters. Many of the pets are turned over to Old
Dog Haven when their owners become too ill to care for Spirituality in End of Life Care presented by Carol
them. Kummet, MSW
Working with Alzheimer's Patients and in Skilled
LAP BLANKETS NEEDED Nursing Facilities presented by Sue Bartels, MSW
We still have many patients in need of lap blankets. If Understanding and Responding to Requests for a
you knit, crochet, sew, or can tie a knot, please consider Hastened Death, presented by Helene Starks (NEW)
making some lap blankets to donate to Evergreen Hospice. These are available for viewing at hospice at any time;
For more information contact Criss East at just call Janlee to reserve viewing space.
cmeast@evergreenhealthcare.org
(For fleece to make blankets, contact Janlee for
information and pickup.) JEANANN’S THOUGHT OF THE WEEK
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most
important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make
AND … FABRIC DONATIONS WELCOME
the big choices in life. Because almost everything –
We can always use donations of new fleece fabric to all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embar-
give to our crafters to sew into hats, mittens, and lap rassment or failure – these things just fall away in the
blankets. If you are not a seamstress but would like to face of death, leaving only what is truly important.
contribute, this is a good way to do it. You can drop off Remembering that you are going to die is the best
donations at the hospice center. Please include your name way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have
and address so we may thank you properly! something to lose. You are already naked. There is
no reason not to follow your heart.
MOVIE TICKET DISCOUNT FOR – Steve Jobs, Co-Founder and CEO of
EVERGREEN STAFF/VOLUNTEERS Apple Computer
Movie discount tickets are available in Human Re-
sources for $7.50 each, and are good for the following
A Note About Submissions: We welcome and greatly appreciate any
theaters: AMC Lowes, Cineplex Odeon & Magic Johnson.
submissions (recipes, book reviews, stories etc.) and comments you care
Volunteers need to wear their badge when they pick up
to make. You have my promise that I will always acknowledge receipt of
tickets. Call extension 2511 for more information.
anything anyone sends me. Please send your submissions and com-
ments to me at: l_loba@hotmail.com. Or, you can leave a typed
version in Melissa’s folder in Reception or call 425.899.1040 and leave
a message. Thank you! – Linda Loba, Editor
5
CALENDAR OF EVENTS
HOSPICE AND PALLIATIVE CARE REIKI CIRCLE – THIRD FRIDAY *AND*
VOLUNTEER SUPPORT MEETING FIRST SATURDAY OF EACH MONTH
Date: Thursday, January 21 Time: 7-9 p.m. Fridays and 8:30-10:30 a.m. Saturdays
Time: 7:00-9:00 pm Location: Hospice Reflection Room
Location: Hospice Center Conference Room, Kirkland
A Reiki Circle is a time for Reiki practitioners to get
Why: To continue to grow as a community of compassion-
together and share stories and support one another. We
ate volunteers
also exchange treatments. We would like to extend an
The first half of the meeting is used to provide you invitation to any staff or volunteers who may want to get
with ongoing education about topics related to hospice, more information about or experience Reiki. These circles
volunteering, and/or personal growth to give you the are being led by Compassionate Touch volunteer Narmin
opportunity to add to the “tool box” of ideas, skills, and Halani and Hospice RN Therese Thomas.
insight you bring to your patients and their families.
The second half is intended to provide a safe place for UPCOMING VOLUNTEER
you to be able to share your experiences, fears, successes, TRAINING DATES
frustrations, etc., with other hospice volunteers. In giving
As the Evergreen Hospice and Palliative
you a space to support each other, we are able to offer you
Care program grows, so does our need for
the opportunity to practice mindfulness, compassionate
volunteers. If you know of someone who has
presence, and deep listening skills, which are invaluable in
expressed interest in becoming a hospice and
the work we do.
palliative care volunteer, please tell them about
Topic: our upcoming volunteer trainings:
Seven Senses: Communicating with Hospice Patients
Objectives: January 15, 16, and 20
• Identify disease-caused barriers to communication February 12, 13, and 20
• Identify bridges over common communication gaps April 16, 17, and 24
• Practice techniques to lessen anxiety when communicat- May 14, 15, and 22
ing with clients July 16, 17, and 24
• Demonstrate non-verbal communications September 17, 18, and 25
• Apply techniques to different situations October 15, 16, and 23
The topic of this month’s inservice is brought to you
from NHPCO’s 6th National Conference on Volunteerism
and Family Caregiving.
HAPPY JANUARY BIRTHDAY HAPPY FEBRUARY BIRTHDAY
John Rogers, Field, 1/1 Kimberly Ross-Sullivan, Field & Compassionate Touch, 2/2
Jarucia Nirula, bereavement phone calls, 1/2 Connie Nicholson, bereavement group facilitator, 2/3
Paula Hornberger, 1/4 Jude Schneider, bereavement group facilitator, 2/10
Jeanne O’Dell, 1/4 Lisa Siegfried, Field, 2/11
Scott Boyer, 1/6 Linda Shoemaker, Field, 2/15
Nicole Hjelte, Inpatient, 1/9 Lloyd VanVactor, Inpatient, 2/15
John Gocke, Field, 1/18 Terri Martin, bereavement phone calls, 2/19
Joyce Simons, Field, 1/21 Jeff Scott, Field, 2/21
Nadia Graham, Inpatient, 1/23 Luminita Tarnu, Field & Compassionate Touch, 2/21
Margie Inghram, Reception, 1/30 Beverly Hartman, Field, 2/22
Carol Moore, Office, 2/27
6
IDT TIMES AND LOCATIONS: Celia Harper
South Team. New Location Hospice Infection Control Nurse
Location: 2600 S.W. Holden St., Seattle 98106 206.730.6288
Day: Friday
Time: 8:30-10 a.m. Hospice Main Telephone Line
North Team M-F, 8a.m. - 5 p.m.
Location: Edmonds office 425.899.1040 or 425.899.1070
21616 76th Ave. W, Edmonds 98026 Note: Both numbers will be answered 24 hours/day
Day: Tuesday and 7 days/week
Time: 8:30-10:30 a.m.
Central Team Hospice Toll Free Number
Location: Evergreen Plaza 1-800-442-4546
11800 NE 128th St.
Kirkland 98034 Hospice Fax
Day: Thursday 425.899.1099
Time: 8:30-10 a.m.
Inpatient Hospice Bereavement
Location: Kirkland 425.899.1040
12822 124th Lane NE, Kirkland 98034
Day: Tuesday HELPFUL HOSPICE LINKS
Time: 11:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. • Evergreen Hospice Volunteer Information
[Note: This meeting is especially helpful to inpatient and Application Forms
volunteers, whose input regarding patients on the wings is www.evergreenhealthcare.org/services/hospice/
very welcome.] hospicevols/default.htm
If you have questions please feel free to contact • National Hospice Foundation
Melissa, Criss, or Sheri. Thank you. www.hospiceinfo.org
– Evergreen Hospice Volunteer Department
• National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization
www.nhpco.org
HELPFUL HOSPICE CONTACTS • Hospice Foundation of America
Melissa Lubatti www.hospicefoundation.org
Inpatient Volunteer Coordinator • Hospice Web
Animal Assisted Therapy Volunteer Coordinator www.hospiceweb.com
MRLubatti@evergreenhealthcare.org • Delta Society (Dog therapy training and certifica-
425.899.1028 tion program.)
www.deltasociety.org
Criss East • Four Seasons Oasis Bookstore and Gallery
Field Volunteer Coordinator - North & South teams (Very extensive collection of books on bereavement;
CMEast@evergreenhealthcare.org especially miscarriage)
425.778.2814 www.fourseasonsoasis.com
• Free Workbook on Advance Care Planning
Sheri Standley A workbook called "Your Life, Your Choices" to help
Palliative Care Volunteer Coordinator people do advance care planning.)
Field Volunteer Coordinator – Central team http://www.hsrd.research.va.gov/publications/internal/
SJStandley@evergreenhealthcare.org ylyc.pdf
425.899.3290 • The Center for Living and Dying
www.centerforlivinganddying.org
Janlee Lewis • The Sacred Art of Living Center
Office Assistant – wwwsacredartofliving.org
Bereavement & Volunteer Depts.
JNLewis@evergreenhealthcare.org
425.899.1076
7
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