THINGS by gabyion


                                    N o O n e E v e r Te l l s Yo u

                              one in three corporate        The maryland Court of             A spanish quadriplegic
by Jim Aylward                IT professionals admits       Appeals has ruled that            has been charged with
                              to snooping at work           police violated a man’s           drunkenly attempting to
                              by using administrative       constitutional rights when        drive his motorized bed
     I was watching a 24-     passwords to gain access      they snapped on rubber            along a highway to the
hour cable news network       to wage information,          gloves and searched his           local whorehouse. Antonio
recently, and I found an      personal e-mails, and         buttocks for a hidden drug        navarro, 42, was clocked at
interesting fact. They only   human resource files.         stash in the middle of a          12 miles per hour, driving a
reported one story during
that time. It was the one         “And, yes, Franklin,      baltimore car wash. The           mouth-operated motor bed
about a celebrity who had     he makes more than            court said the cops should        customized with telephone,
been arrested and then        you do because we             have conducted the search         ashtray, and rearview mirror.
tossed into jail, and then    know you snoop!”              in a more discreet location.          “Just because
released and then tossed                                        Than the buttocks?            you’re disabled, doesn’t
back in again. There were     A British man has             oh! The car wash!                 mean you don’t have
shots of her going in         collected $50,000 in                                            needs,” said navarro.
and then going out, her       winnings on a $200 bet        one of Germany’s top
crying and then laughing      he made 10 years ago,         weather forecasters goofed        Britain’s Ted Towl, 83,
and crying again. They        when he was 90, that he       by telling more than one          married sweetheart
showed her cell with          would go on living to 100.    million viewers that clouds       Hilda Clark, 73, after a
the door sliding open         Alec Holden, born April       would be rolling into             courtship spanning 49
and then with her door
sliding closed. She was       24, 1907, admitted he         berlin from both the east         years, nine children,
like O.J.’s Bronco. And I     had been “very careful”       and the west. “man, am I          and 22 grandchildren.
began to wonder: Were         in the weeks leading          stupid or what?” Ard Tv’s         After the ceremony, Towl
there no other stories –      up to his birthday.           Claudia Kleinert said on          said, “Hilda won’t be
no one changing political     He said he reminded           camera. Luckily she wasn’t        rushed into anything!”
parties, no car bombs,        himself to “keep              broadcasting live, so the
no one in government          breathing” frequently.        segment was re-taped.             A team of linguists has
being accused of                                                 And then, of course,         completed the 30-year
anything? There was           The world’s largest           a technician played the           process of translating the
only this poor blonde         penis has been erected        wrong version on the air.         bible into the language
woman going in and out        at an amusement park                                            of Australia’s Aboriginals.
of her cell, crying, then     in Changchun, China.          In Spain, there is news that      There are some subtle
smiling, then crying?
     So, I decided, if        The thing is 30 feet tall,    the country’s legislature         changes. The new bible
an entire cable news          is mounted on an altar,       may create a special              urges Christians to “want
network can get away          and stands as a tribute to    commission to write lyrics        God with all their insides.”
with just one story all the   “our ancestors’ pursuit of    for the country’s national            That’s kind of like loving
time, why couldn’t I do       happiness and prosperity,”    anthem, which has lacked          Him with all your heart.
that with “Things No One      says shi Lixue of the China   words for more than 200
Ever Tells You”? I could      Folk Cultural Association.    years. As one woman said,         The bus really is faster. A cat
write a funny intro, and          They couldn’t have        “Yes, I would like that. I        in england hops on the 331
then just run the same        chosen a 30-foot brain?       never know what to do             bus in Wolverhampton three
item 35 times, sometimes                                    when they play the music.”        times a week, and then rides
in color, some reds,          The newly acknowledged                                          it two stops to a fish-and-
some blues, but always        world’s oldest man, Tomoji    A team of Argentine               chips shop. “It was strange
the same thing, over and
over and over again.          Tanabe of Japan, credits      scientists has announced          at first, but now seems
     And then I realized      his longevity to never        that viagra can be a very         normal,” says the driver,
why I can’t do that. Ever.    drinking alcohol, never       effective drug for treating jet   bill Khunkun. “He’s the
It’s because the Chairman     smoking, and downing one      lag – at least in hamsters.       perfect passenger. The only
of the Board & Editor-        glass of milk each day.           Yes, but maybe you            problem is, he never pays.”
in-Chief won’t let me.             “I don’t want            don’t want to know                     I think someone’s
     So…                      to die,” he said.             the side effects.                 pulling my whiskers!
voLume 30, number 4                                                                                              LeAders 161
An economy-class passenger      According to a tally          Pornography for the blind?     some men would give
on a flight from delhi,         by three University of        soundsdirty.Com has been       away the farm for a larger
India, died onboard, and        Indiana scholars, Fox         launched for the visually      penis. but in serbia, men
so the corpse was moved         News host Bill O’Reilly’s     impaired. Founder Lloyd        are getting a bargain, giving
to the less-congested first     daily commentaries            Chambers says, “We have        away their prized cows for
class section, to the chagrin   contain an average of         heard all the jokes about      a more mammoth member.
of Paul Trinder, who had        8.88 instances of name-       going blind when you           The country’s top plastic
paid about $6,000 for his       calling per minute, or one    do certain things, but         surgeon is now accepting
nearby seat. When he            insult every 6.8 seconds.     this is totally serious.”      bovine exchange for his
complained, he said he was          It’s his sandbox.              I have a punch            services. “The price of the
told to “just get over it.”                                   line to this item I’ll         operation, around $800, is
     “He’s not bothering you,   An Internet global study      be glad to send you            almost exactly what a good
mister. He’s very quiet and,    of fetishism from Italy’s     if you’ll contact me at        cow is worth,” the doctor
frankly, a whole lot more       university of bologna         says. “of course, some want
understanding than you are!”    finds that feet and shoes                                    to add 10 centimeters, and
                                are the world’s most          A group of Danes started       that is just not possible. At
Clenzo Thompson, 45,            popular objects of desire.    a lobbying group for           least not for one cow.”
was arrested in New             neither breasts nor legs      those who don’t like               “doctor, I have three
York City after allegedly       nor buttocks were selected    to get up early in the         cows, and a secret wish!”
robbing the same                by more than 4 percent        morning. The group, the
Commerce Bank branch            of those surveyed, and        B Society, has signed up       edwin C. bliss, author
twice in three days. The        just two people indicated     thousands in its fight         of Getting Things Done,
first robbery ended when        a thing for pacemakers.       for the layabouts of the       says, of all the time-saving
the chemical dye in the              It was not disclosed     world. The group asks,         techniques developed,
money bag exploded and          whether the two had           “Why are we still rising       perhaps the most effective
spooked him. The second         yet found each other.         with the first cockerel        of all is frequent use
money bag exploded                                            crow, or when the cows         of the word “no.”
too, and in a previous          Here’s one way to avoid       need milking, when less
robbery, Thompson               telling your parents you      than 15 percent of people      Worried that chimps,
was caught after he             dropped out of college:       work in agriculture?”          baboons, and gorillas
accidentally dropped his        Audley Young made a bomb          I will rise, but I         are becoming sick and
ID on the bank floor.           and phoned in a threat to     may not shine.                 aggressive due to excess
    Maybe industrial            scuttle the commencement                                     boredom, German zoo
plastics would be               address at the university     An english judge, hearing      officials have hired
a better fit?                   of California-riverside. He   a case against three alleged   professional clowns
                                didn’t want his mother to     cyber-terrorists, stunned      to keep them amused.
The office of Federal           know he wasn’t graduating.    prosecutors when he            One clown, Christina
Health and Human services       He hoped the ploy would       said he didn’t know what       Peter, makes games and
secretary mike Leavitt          cancel the graduation thing   a Web site was. Judge          puzzles for the monkeys,
called the office of senator    for good, and that “his       Peter openshaw said,           “and they seem to be
Craig Thomas to schedule        mother would return home,     “I don’t understand the        enjoying it,” she says.
a meeting. Thomas had           and everything would be as    language,” that prompted           I have to make my
died three days earlier,        it once was,” police said.    officials to bring in an       own puzzles, and I think
a fact widely reported.              It wasn’t.               expert to explain the ins      that’s even more boring.
     “Well, then …                                            and outs of the Internet.
our condolences.”               A German court has                 since that experience,    Geary bakeries of rathby,
                                very seriously denied         the judge has bought           england, and everard’s
They take their karaoke         a man’s claim that his        himself a computer and         brewery of Leicester have
seriously in the Philippines.   health insurance should       a cable Tv contract,           combined forces to produce
The Philippine star reports     have covered the cost of      and now he just loves          beer-flavored bread.
that a security guard at        a hairpiece. The court        “Pimp my ride”.                    now you can live
a club in san mateo was         ruled that baldness                                          by bread alone!
so annoyed about romy           is too common to be           Canadian nutritionist,
balifgula’s performance that    considered a disease, and     udo erasmus, claims            next time you’re in Tucson,
he shot him dead on the         that “the hair’s protective   that rubbing oil from          Arizona, notice there are no
stage. The guard said the       function against the sun      Chinese water snakes           potholes. You may indeed
performer was off key, and      and the cold can easily       into swollen joints may        find holes in the street, but
he just couldn’t stand it.      be replaced by a hat.”        help ease arthritis pain.      in Tucson they’re called
    Warning: In the                  Tell that to your            Yes, but getting the oil   “pavement deficiencies”.
Philippines, please do not      sideburns and your            from the snakes could be            I don’t know. It looks
sing “my Way” your way.         self-esteem.                  painful in a different way.    like a hole to me.•
162 LeAders                                                                                             voLume 30, number 4

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