Six incoming freshmen expelled

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                 The Park School of Baltimore | Brooklandville, MD 21022 |
 April 1, 2006                                                                                                                                     Volume LXVI | Issue No. 7

McGill names new deanships in                                                                                                                         This Issue:
                                                                                                                                                     Artsy kids mad...
wake of expanding Upper School                                                                                                                       about everything

   Empowered by his recent           teacher John Kessinger Dean                                                                                     Ghost of Alex
appointment of a new Dean            of Clean, or Dean of Dirt, de-
of Students, Upper School            pending on current conditions.
                                                                                                                                                     Harding haunts
Principal Mike McGill plans             “This is something Mr. K.                                                                                    ghost of Writing
to name at least three more          does anyway,” said a sophomore
Deans to help him govern             girl as she tossed the empty box                                                                                Center
an expanding student body.           for her new video iPod onto the
   The once manageable Up-           floor of the Commons. “He’s so
per School will soon begin to        good at it that it’s a natural fit,”                                                                             Mono-stricken
feel the effects of the School’s     she said. “I’m so proud to have                                                                                 grade raffles off
highly successful advertising        him pick up my trash…no, I
campaign. “Apparently we had         can’ talk, it’s too emotional. Oh,                                                                              white blood cells
so many qualified applicants          Mr. K., don’t forget to look on
who just loved the newspaper         top of those lockers. Someone
ads, radio spots, rock concerts,     left their lunch from last week.”                                                                               Diven holds BBall
bull roasts, vacation cruises,          Dean of Parking will go to                                                                                   Tournament; No
massage therapy, and cash al-        Library Director Susan Wein-
lowances, that they all decided      traub who has years of experi-                                                                                  Park students al-
to accept our offers of admis-       ence overseeing traffic after                                                                                    lowed
sion,” said Head of School           school, a job she was forced
David Jackson. “We had an            out of when she became ad-
astounding 80% yield, which          viser to the school newspaper.                                                                                  PDA at an all time
is admission-speak for lots of          “I know Susan has really
warm, paying bodies,” he said.       missed being part of the traffic                                                                                 high
   “It was good news,” said          scene,” noted Jackson. “It was a
McGill, “but I’ll need more          natural outlet for the nasty side                                                                               “M” Block stands
help managing the crowd, and I       to her personality. For fun, a
figured I could make some key         number of teachers and adminis-                                                                                 for misappropri-
appointments. Using the title        trators would gather at my win-       History Chair Jon Acheson will likely become Assistant Dean               ated time
‘Dean’ should attract a good         dow on a Friday afternoon and         of Clean owing to his excellent work using a vacuum cleaner.
number of candidates, though         watch her jump up and down
I’m not sure why.”                   screaming at parents and throw-       ship. Plus she looks so cute        out yet,” said McGill. The Prin-      Pimp your ride
   One recurring issue is keep-      ing herself in front of moving        when she gets angry.”               cipal noted that since the school
ing halls and commons spaces         cars. It made us feel so good            One of the more unusual          does not, in fact, have a dress       senior class fund-
clear of trash and in good or-       to see her take that risk and put     deanships under consider-           code, it will take some cre-          raiser enrages
der. Without bothering to ad-        herself out there in such a force-    ation is the Dean of Dress. “I      ative thinking to come up with
vertise, McGill named History        ful way. Now that was leader-         haven’t quite figured this one       an appropriate job description.       clueless faculty

Park Podcast off air for good                                                                                                                        Tennis finishes
    On the Internet, where con-      Subcommittee’s website. In an         cult for them to get anything       nobody seemed to understand
tent as lewd and illicit as por-     AP interview, however, Irritat-       done, and the news suffered as      our point. But I’m all about the      Gus Bloom sits
nography and pyramid schemes         ing Entity Chairman Johnny            a result. So for the public good,   public good, and if everybody
have free reign, it is rare for      al-Roemerian offered some sur-        we decided to take action.”         thinks it’s best that we go off       through entire 90
something to be so, well, just       prising insight. “We received            As the Postscript staff cel-     the air, maybe they’re right.”        minute class
plain bad, that it gets banned       complaints from the editors of        ebrated the demise of Park             As for Hyman’s future, no-
by governments worldwide.            a highly respected, elite school      School’s Week in Review with        body seems to know. He might
On Tuesday, a United Nations         newspaper, Postscript, that           one of its traditional wine and     come back to Postscript for a         Sarah Goldsoundz
ad hoc Subcommittee on Ir-           they had to play the podcast          cheese cocktail parties in the      final April issue encore or try to
ritating and Aggressive Enti-        just to track their competition.      Pub, Podcast producer/execu-        revive his podcast career with
ties passed a resolution to ban         Unfortunately, or fortu-           tive director/leader/former Post-   a new show called The Smart           Overcome with
Park School’s Week in Review         nately, the editors couldn’t          script Features Editor/his title    Growth and Public Transpor-
podcast from ever appearing on       stay awake long enough to edit        changes every week Ben Hy-          tation Hour in Review, though
                                                                                                                                                     joy, FIRST Robot-
the information superhighway.        the comprehensive, up-to-the-         man, was less upbeat. “We were      some think that may not be the        ics Team sings Star
    The decision was made with       minute, highly sophisticated          just trying to report the news      best course of action. In the
little fanfare, and announced in     news that anyone actually cares       on a more aggressive in-your-       meantime though, we can all
                                                                                                                                                     Wars anthem
a five-line press release on the      about. It made it really diffi-        face-you-jerk time cycle, but       go back to reading the news.

Six incoming freshmen expelled
   Upper School Principal Mike       makers.                               drug related/plagiaristic/violent   ants be “dealt with.”                be proactive.”
McGill informed the Upper               “We thought that it would be       indiscretions.                         “Why go through the pain              Upon questioning Dr. Jack-
School during last week’s as-        best for everyone. Just get the          Called in to provide some        of actually doing something          son added this sage reasoning:
sembly that he has preemptively      whole thing out of the way.”          semblance of concrete reason-       wrong?” asked Counselor Dave         “Look, Park believes in second
expelled six unnamed incom-          McGill told the understanding         ing for the action, Math chair      Tracey. “We can save everyone        chances, which gets costly. If
ing freshman. Due to problems        audience.                             Tony Asdourian theorized that       a year or two along the journey,     we get them out of here before
with the last eight classes, the        The Six, as they will be           the Deweyan law of progres-         and just discharge them now.         they do any initial harm, we
administration decided to thin       henceforth known, were ex-            sive averages mandates that at      After all of the anticipated as-     won’t have to worry about all
the ranks of the potential trouble   pelled for their future sexual/       least six middle school miscre-     sorted problems, we decided to       that “second chance” nonsense.
page   2                                                                                                                                   The Pscript | April 1, 2006

           Do what we say                                                                              A Charlie Ha nkin cartoon
   Postscript editors-in-chief are better than you (especially you Mr. West
Point) and everything we say is right. We’re much smarter, which is why we                                  by Eric Gottlieb
do Postscript. We go to better colleges and get better grades. We have more
friends, like better music and are better at sports. We write better and take better
photos. Some of us can even draw. We have keys to our own office right in the
Commons with computers that only we can use. Our monitors are bigger than
yours. We have our own thermostat and a bunch of groupies who suck up to us
day, night and on Saturday mornings because they are desperate to get our jobs.

                                                                                              Berkowitz parts ways
Juniors B. Goldstein, M. McCauley, and M. Grose examine the contents of
their school store snacks, which may contain ingredients that offset senioritis.              with school philosophy
Teachers develop                                                                                 In a dramatic and unanticipated de-
                                                                                              velopment, English teacher Howard
                                                                                                                                          now and say that this experiment has
                                                                                                                                          failed. I’m so sick of using my authority

Senioritis vaccine
                                                                                              Berkowitz finally lost his temper with       as scholar and adult to provide oppor-
                                                                                              Park’s philosophy last Tuesday. Once        tunities. From now on, my classroom
                                                                                              the philosophy’s fiercest defender, he      will run like an authoritarian regime.
                                                                                              altered his reputation forever when            “Just to be vindictive, my essays will
    Since the Healthy Food Committee          Christine Broening (the hardcore liberal)       he denounced the document as the            be intentionally alienating and painful.
successfully lobbied for the ban of any-      and Julie Rogers (the one with a heart).        work of shallow-minded communists.          Each student will receive a tattoo on his
thing with taste last year, students have        Together, they have implemented                 “I know exactly when it happened. I      forehead reflecting his rank in my class. In
commented on the irony that the same          a plan to produce products such as              was having a conversation with a student    that way, all colleges will know where ev-
sugary, greasy, and fatty snacks are still    Cheez-Its, pretzels, and popcorn, in            who had come to class flagrantly unpre-      eryone stands; that’s what really matters.
available across the hall in the school       which the grease is altered by a process        pared. Defending herself, she told me,         Howard burned all of his copies of
store. Each time Postscript ran an op-ed      that Huntsman calls “organic nanohy-            ‘Our philosophy recognizes the excesses     the philosophy in protest. Students fear
saying so, a different member of the staff    drolictification,” which gives the food          it may bring—occasional sentimentality,     this will end the tradition of portfolios in
disappeared, but not before broadcasting      a property such that it “decreases the          self-indulgence, disorder, and untidi-      exchange for real tests, meaning Ways of
their pleas for help on the weekly Podcast.   function of neurological X-enzymes              ness.’ And that was it. I’d had it. Dewey   Knowing will be replaced by actual classes.
    After losing half its staff, Postscript   that are thought to be the root cause of        didn’t know s**t. I can stand here right
investigated and came to a surprising         Senioritis.” These altered products are
conclusion: the kidnappings are part of       sold exclusively at the school store.
a grand scheme to prevent Senioritis.            What is most remarkable about this
And they have all been traced back            process is that it has the greatest ef-
to the desk of librarian John Roemer.         fect not in seniors, but in freshman and
    From his years in education, Roemer       sophomores, so they are resistant to the
knows a thing or two about teenagers.         Senioritis strain by the time they become
He has refined his characterization of        seniors. As Kessinger said, “it’s way
them to its current form: “@%*& ^*#$          cooler than eating McGriddles, dude.”
!&@$ &$^# *$@!.” In other words,                 The school’s chairman of Senior
they start out as cute, yet quite dumb        Studies, Kevin Coll, was also in favor of
little kids, and grow up into lazy wastes     the plan:“The character development in
of food, oxygen, and civil liberties.         the plan is impeccable, and the delight-
In other words, they become seniors.          ful use of the chemical is something of
    Roemer decided he would not stand         an allegory to past times when seniors
by while kids deteriorated in this way.       were more dedicated to their education.”
In an alliance with Principal Mike Mc-           Whether the plan is ef-
Gill, who provided funds given to him         fective is not yet known.
by Podcast lobbyists, the two formed             As to the whereabouts of the lost
a joint venture known as the Roemer-          students, the kidnapping is still under
McGill Anti-Senioritis Corporation.           investigation. But as President Kyle
While the board of directors is secret,       Tarver wrote in a letter last issue, it’s re-
Postscript (actually Ben Hyman, but           ally not that important because “hardly
we like to say it was Postscript) e-mail      anybody still reads Postscript these
interceptions suggest its members in-         days.” He’ll regret the quote when the          Howard Berkowitz burns the Park School philosophy in angry defiance.
clude Elliott Huntsman (the chemist),         suspicion is confirmed that the kidnapper
John Kessinger (the honorary senior),         is actually a Postscript editor-in-chief.
                                                                                                                                                                                 page    3
                                                                           Pscript | April 1, 2006

                   News in Brief                                                 Male faculty condemned for not
West Side Killaz uses scare                                                      setting example of masculinity
tactics to win school funding                                                       A recent editorial in Postscript which            two departments raced from one end of
   When recent budget cuts hit              more violent approach. Adorned       questioned the ability of male faculty and ad-       the building to the Athletic Center where
the Upper School Arts Depart-               in black, the group arrived for      ministrators to stand out as good masculine role     they challenged each other to climb-
ment, Adele Dinerstein, Music               their auditions holding assault      models for boys sparked outrage amongst fac-         ing the climbing wall without helmets.
Chair, was forced to whittle down           weapons by their sides. They         ulty in every division. The editorial was critical      Several men grabbed lacrosse sticks from
Park’s numerous singing groups              proceeded to rap, including lyrics   of men for taking a backseat to women teach-         freshman boys and began threatening to swat
to just one. Dinerstein held au-            such as, “You don’t give us fund-    ers as strong representatives of their gender.       each other. Fortunately, two sophomores were
ditions last Friday in order to             ing, we’ll mess you up,” and “Yo,       The editorial stated that: “Women, in             able to wrest the sticks from their teachers.
determine the most talented group.          down with Vocal Chords, yo, yo.”     traditional roles as teachers and supportive,           While most of the girls, and women, seemed
While the Eight Notes and Vo-                  When Lewis Brandt ’06, leader     nurturing individuals, act as good models for        bemused by this sudden, rarely seen, display
cal Chords performed several a              of the gang, was questioned about    girls who are afforded the opportunity here at       of testosterone by their normally gentle male
capella arrangements in front of            this behavior, he said, “I’ll mess   school to see how women can be both intel-           teachers and colleagues, the boys praised the
the “Musical Board,” consisting of          you up, for reals, yos.” The West    lectual and female. On the other hand, men,          unexpected pick-up games of frisbee and hackey-
Doug Jameson and Paul Hulleberg             Side Killaz reportedly received      in nontraditional roles as teachers who are          sack. “I’ve never seen our male teachers act so
along with Dinerstein, resident             their required funding and spent     also supportive and nurturing, do a grave dis-       aggressive,” said one astounded junior. “Makes
rap group West Side Killaz took a           the money on matching bling.         service to our boys who are likely to become         me want to think about teaching English.”
                                                                                 confused by a lack of masculinity modeling so           One faculty member was relieved at the
                                                                                 critical to the development of gender identity.”     outbreak of male assertiveness. Librarian
                                                                                    The reaction was swift and violent. By            John Roemer, who dresses as a cowboy to
                                                                                 contrast, when, in a previous editorial, female      counter attitudes towards his meek and book-
                                                                                 faculty had been criticized for not speak-           ish profession, finally took off his spurs. “I
                                                                                 ing out in assemblies, women engaged in              love this school. We’re the last bastion of
                                                                                 hushed conversations in classrooms, around           liberalism in the state, but that brings with it
                                                                                 the copy machine, and during special meet-           certain attitudes toward Park which portray us
                                                                                 ings. After this latest attack by the editors,       as intellectual and effete or ‘soft’, questioning
                                                                                 male faculty exploded into hallways, pounding        our collective manhood. Now I may be smart,
                                                                                 their bare chests, bellowing loudly in exas-         but I’m a man, by God, and it’s about time the
                                                                                 peration at having their masculinity questioned.     other males around here step up to the plate
                                                                                    Fist fights broke out, and members of             and reconsider how they comport themselves.”
                                                                                 A note from the editors:

                          Overt displays of female
Seemingly innocent looking West Side Killaz strongarms Music
Department in order to recieve school funding for some “ice.”

Habitat holds assembly to leadership not acceptable
brag about its good deeds                                                           Postscript staff would like to take a mo-         overt leadership which is setting a poor example
    T h i s c o m i n g We d n e s d a y,      As long as you know you are       ment to clear up any misconceptions that may         for the Betty Crockers of our female faculty.
Habitat for Humanity will hold              inferior and should be ashamed for   have been caused by a recent editorial detailing         This overdose of testosterone from
its final in a series of assemblies,         being rich and alive at the same     a woman’s role at park. In this editorial we         those female teachers who (as far as we
on “Why we are better people                time then we’ve done our job.        were not criticizing the female faculty for not      know) aren’t supposed to have any, has
than the rest of you.” It will              If you don’t sponsor the Habitat     stepping up to the plate in terms of leadership,     b e e n a s m e a r o n P a r k ’s r e p u t a t i o n .
be the standard compilation of              run or work on one of our six        we were commending them. As Postscript                   But this year, we have taken enough of Julie
photos with thankful poor people,           houses, you should be deeply         staff we are proud that our women know               and her tool belt and Tina and her “talking,” and
happy volunteers, and free time             embarrassed about your ethics        their place: in the classroom or in the kitchen.     have acknowledged that most female faculty
spent making the world better.              and question your right to live.        For too long have women overstepped               have been respectful women: smiling instead
                                                                                 their boundaries. Julie Rogers in a tool belt is     of talking, teaching instead of thinking. And
Jennings, Grinch invited                                                         enough to send shivers down our spines and
                                                                                 rippling up through our manly Schwarzeneg-
                                                                                                                                      we commend you, each and every one of you.
                                                                                                                                          To show our thanks you will each be re-
to anti-Christmas summit                                                         ger muscles. We have put up with enough. It
                                                                                 is high time for Arseneau to stop running and
                                                                                                                                      ceiving a complimentary Postscript apron,
                                                                                                                                      which we will expect to be well used: baked
                                            to come. Telling the entire Lower    for Tina to put her ideas where they belong: in      Alaska, tiramisu, and truffles: all well received.
   After his traumatic performance
                                            School that there is no Santa is     a diary or on a cake. That’s right Mock Trial,           Keep up the good work.
at the Winter Holiday assembly,
                                            special, really commendable          you find yourself a man to lead you. We are
Jeff Jennings has been invited to
                                            work.” said the Grinch.              so sick of Tina’s strong, intellectual, sensible,                                              - Postscript
an international anti-Christmas
summit at the South-Pole. “We                  Dr. Jackson saved this from
usually don’t invite science                total catastrophe by sending a
teachers to these events, but after         letter home explaining that
we reviewed his speech at Park’s            Santa visits everyone except
all school assembly he just had             poor people and observant Jews.

Kessinger buys himself
100 Valentine-o-grams
   In a last ditch effort to avoid          O.C., cost him $300, a large chunk
teaching, history faculty John              of his measly teacher’s salary.
Kessinger bought himself 100                   The set was sung by the
Valentine-o-Grams to be sung                Vocal Chords with guest soloists
during his D, E, and F block classes.       including himself, Tony Asdourian,
   The repertoire, which included           Bob Carter, and Vitaliy Elbert
“I Only Have Eyes for You,”                 (for “You’ve Lost that Lovin’
“Milkshake,” “Hungry Eyes,”                 Feeling”), as well as The New York
and the theme songs to Dawson’s             Philharmonic for their performance
Creek, Gilmore Girls and The                of “Stars and Stripes Forever.”      Upper School spanish teacher, Judy Wasserman displays what it means to be a real woman.
                                                                                                                                                                               page    4

                                            Sports Sort of
                                                                          Pscript | April 1, 2006

                                                                          Teams join new conference;
                                                                          anticipate less time in class
                                                                              Finally coming clean about          expand its applicant pool, need       lunch everyday, we’re having the
                                                                          the importance of sports for at-        to be A-Conference in every           artsy kids do most of our assign-
                                                                          tracting a more diverse and less        varsity sport,” said VACUUM           ments for us. They like the extra
                                                                          Jewish student body, the school         Head, Chadwicke Smith-Wes-            work in exchange for a more
                                                                          has joined the Virginia Athletic        sen. This dedication to athletics     intellectual (Jewish) atmosphere
                                                                          Conference for Underachieving           for A-Conference wins requires        in class. It’s a good arrange-
                                                                          and Unbelieving Maryland-               de-emphasizing academics and          ment for artist and athlete alike.”
                                                                          ers (VACUUM). Teams from                severe focus on team practice.”          “Once we’re finished with
                                                                          Maryland schools, including                Smith-Wessen went on to            our VACUUM teams,” said
                                                                          Park, Beth T’Filoh, Cardin High         explain that the point of the VAC-    Smith-Wessen, “they become
Top athlete D. Shenfeld ’08 admires his pro physique.                     School, and Krieger Schechter           UUM Conference is to get team         very competitive amongst the

Ravens sign David Shenfeld
                                                                          will travel throughout Virginia         members out of class by 11:30 to      Maryland powerhouses, thereby
                                                                          in this special league designed         travel to Virginia for practices,     attracting more desirable appli-
                                                                          to promote team sports at the           scrimmages, and games against         cants, those with more brawn than
   Park’s own super athlete David Shenfeld has signed a multi-mil-        expense of traditional class time.      the really tough schools, such        brain and the cash to go with it .”
lion dollar contract with the Baltimore Ravens. He is expected to start      According to the philosophy          as Virginia Military Institute.          Smith-Wessen notes that an
at quarterback, and replace Raven’s middle linebacker Ray Lewis.          of VACUUM, the goal of the                 “There’s no other way to           unfortunate outcome of the
When asked about the linebacker decision, Head Coach Brian Billick        organization is to help students        get this job done than to lim-        VACUUM Conference pro-
had this to say, “It was a really tough decision but it just came down    at elite, intellectual, primarily       it classroom and homework             gram is lowering of SAT
to who had more athletic ability and who was stronger, and Shenfeld       Jewish schools increase their           time,” said Smith-Wessen.             scores. On the other hand, with
was the clear winner.” After working out with the team, star safety       athletic program standards to              One student who is in fa-          greater emphasis on athletics,
Ed Reed came away impressed, “I was just amazed at Shenfeld’s             become more competitive with            vor of the VACUUM league              college acceptance lists gener-
natural athletic ability and level of maturity, I’ve never seen a kid     Maryland A-Listers such as St.          said that athletes had worked         ally improve because most Ivy
his age learn from his mistakes and take criticism like a man.”           Paul’s, Gilman, and Boys’ Latin.        out a deal with fellow                League and highly selective
   During his career here at Park, Shenfeld was always a stand-              “Underachieving schools              classmates.                           schools are interested in ath-
out among his teammates. He won team MVP in both baseball                 like Park, which is looking to             “Since we have to leave before     letics rather than intelligence.
and basketball, basketball clearly being his calling. He was
nominated for the Kelly Award both his freshman and sophomore
years. While his statistics were not phenomenal, (a total of 8
                                                                          Dear Diary: Private thoughts of faculty
points in two full seasons of basketball and 0-1 at the plate with                                                Querido diario,
                                                                          Dear Diary,                                                                   Dear Diary,
one strikeout in baseball) all of his teammates agree that Shenfeld       Today I convinced another three         Class was good today. Dan looks       I think we should do Hair for our
was a true leader and an inspiration. The Postscript staff would          students that God is only a dream.      so nice in the new sweater I bought   next musical production. What’s
like to congratulate David Shenfeld on his amazing achievement.           So far that’s 31.4159% of the Upper     him.                                  a little nudity among high school
                                                                          School. Nobody suspects that I’m                            Judy              students?
                                                                          really a Rabbi.
 Top 10 Things to Look forward                                                                 Tony               Dear Diary,

                                                                          Dear Diary,                             Another student made fun of
 to during Brownie’s End of Year                                          I was trying to quote Yeats today       my shoes today, so I took one off
                                                                                                                                                        Dear Diary,
                                                                                                                                                        I spent an hour telling the story of
                                                                          in Irish Literature to show everyone    and beat him senseless. I’ll show
 Assembly                                                                 how smart I think I am, but Kirk        everyone what progressivism should
                                                                                                                                                        how I integrated the ocean before I
                                                                                                                                                        realized I was talking to a class of
                                                                          corrected me. He pretends he’s          mean around here.
 10. Dedication to decaying                                               better than me just because he’s tall                     Kess
                                                                                                                                                        third graders. Must have made a
                                                                                                                                                        wrong turn out of the library.
                                                                          and blond. I’ll show him a thing or
 faculty.                                                                 two when we teach the kids how to       Dear Diary,

                                                                          play poker.                             No matter how many times I fill up
 9. More flowers than Valentine’s                                                               Pete               my cookie jar, it just doesn’t stay
                                                                                                                  full. ‘Sup with that?
 Day.                                                                                                                                 Mike

 8. Pictures, hundreds of them.                                           Podcast hosts create sexual
 7. Crying?
 6. Blaring, unrelated musical                                            fantasy for obsessed teenage girl
 accompaniment.                                                           Dear Abby,
                                                                              This is kind of lame, I know,
                                                                                                                  baritone just makes me so hot!
                                                                                                                      I listen to it when I wake up
                                                                                                                                                           I was wondering what you
 5. Dgol: the glory years.                                                writing to an anonymous col-
                                                                          umn asking for help, but I just
                                                                                                                  and before I go to sleep and ev-      thought of looking through a
                                                                                                                                                        significant other’s school mail-
                                                                                                                  ery Wednesday when it comes
 4. A good long nap.                                                      didn’t know who else to talk to!        out, I am in such anticipation        box. Just to see if any other

 3. The end.
                                                                              My problem is this: I’m ad-         that I can’t get out of class fast    girls (or guys, I don’t know)
                                                                          dicted to the Podcast. I just love      enough. And seeing the pictures       are giving him letters or any-
 2. Postscript’s top secret “surprise.”                                   listening to Ben Hyman’s sexy
                                                                          voice and Jonny Weiss’ deep
                                                                                                                  in the little window at the bottom
                                                                                                                  of iTunes is just an added bonus.
                                                                                                                                                        thing. ‘Cause for Valentine’s
                                                                                                                                                        Day he got like seven roses.
 1. Crying.                                                                                                       It’s all I talk about—all I think     And I only bought him one. Do
                                                                                                                  about? What should I do, Abby?        you think he’s cheating on me?
                                                            Ye Olde Pub
                                                            Brooklandville, MD 21022                              Passionate About Podcast              Wishing And Hoping

 The Non-Worthless:                                                                                               PAP—
                                                                                                                                                           Chances are he’s probably
 Julian “Hit the sack” Charnas, Shroom DeMarco, Liz “Mid-Life Crisis”
                                                                                                                     Here is a piece of ad-             cheating on you, but going
 Gauvey-Kern, Montgomery Burns Gottlieb, Fashionista Katz, Brett “Sloth”                                          vice: Go stick your head              through his mailbox is not only
 Kaup, Randy “Big K” Kutler, Ezra “Wait, there’s Postscript today?” Rosenberg,                                    in the toilet. But make sure          against school rules, it’s an inva-
 Smeagol Goldstein, Ben “I Davin” Weinstein, Susan “I’m Not Your Mother”                                          you put your radio in first.          sion of privacy. So if he wasn’t
 Weintraub. Jen is not Funny.                                                                                                                           cheating on you before you
                                                                                                                  Love,                                 went snooping, I bet he is now.
                                                                                                                    Abby                                   -Abby