AUTHOR: STORY:
Hannah Kramer
EVALUATOR:
Nadine Goldberg
Extra-Curricular Activities DATE:
10-30-08
WHO: Students activities. WHERE: MBSH
WHAT: Are and should be involved in extra-curricular WHEN: All throughout high school
WHY: They are fun and important for getting into college. HOW: not just as members, but in leadership positions
LEDE: WHY?:
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It sounds a little bit like a news lead.
ALTERNATE LEDE: Football team members roam the school in ties and dress shirts before games, SGA drapes informational banners from the railings, community service sign-up sheets fill up rapidly, and teams’ victories are announced almost daily; Beach High is abound with extracurricular activities.
OBJECTIVITY:
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BIASED WORDS: I think this is fine because after, all, we all know that extra-curricular activities are important. It’s also good that you have the quote about how it’s tough to be on a team, but worth it.
JOURN. VOICE: POOR WORDS:
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We’re not supposed to use words like you or our.
STRUCTURE: poor 2
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SUGGESTIONS: I think the article would be a lot easier to understand if you tweaked the structure. Right now you have paragraphs that say both
negative and positive things about extra-curricular activities, so that’s a little confusing. I wrote my suggestion on the actual article below.
SOURCES:
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SUGG. SOURCES: 1) 2)____________________________________________________ 3)____________________________________________________ 4)____________________________________________________ EXPLAIN: I think the way that you used your poll results was a little confusing. From the point of view of the reader, it doesn’t make sense to me that students who are on athletic teams are not in favor of them just because they are C students and work hard. I think that if you just simplified the information and just gave a percentage of people who were/weren’t in favor of extra-curricular activities, it might make more sense. Also, that part of your article conflicts with your first sentence, which is why the one I recommended is more neutral.
QUOTES:
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REWRITE QUOTE1: Laura Fernandez, freshman, says, “Extracurricular activities not only brings out the best ability in students, but it looks great on your college application!” EXPLAIN: This is really minor, but you only need one punctuation mark at the end.
REWRITE QUOTE2: Mrs. Maria Sahwell, CAP advisor, agrees. “I feel students must be very involved in clubs, not just as participants, but as leaders, on the council, and throughout ninth grade.” EXPLAIN: I think that saying she happens to agree makes it seem like a coincidence, even though there’s a reason that they both support extra-curricular activities. Also, it’s not necessary to include “not only enforcing students to join, but to control your club.” Her quote makes that clear and you don’t want to waste words.
REWRITE QUOTE3: Noah Sobel, freshman, says that being on a team is tough work. “You just have to stick it out,” he says, “but I want to continue it until my senior year.” EXPLAIN: The only problem with the first part was comma placement and that you skipped a word, but I don’t think you need the second part (“When asked if he was thinking about college, in relation to his sport, he states, “I have thought about college, but I don’t know where I want to go,”) because his quote doesn’t actually have much to do with sports. 72
TOTAL POINTS:
GENERAL COMMENTS: Great job! I really like your topic and the way you present it. Also, you got some really great quotes and info from Mrs. Sahwell!
Extracurricular activities at Miami Beach Senior High are being taken up and enjoyed by students during the 2008-2009 school year.
From swimming to golf to cheerleading to bowling, you can find it at MBSH. Many students greatly look upon the various extracurricular activities. Laura Fernandez, freshman, says, “Extracurricular activities not only brings out the best ability in students, but it looks great on your college application!”. Mrs. Maria Sahwell, CAP advisor, happens to agree. “I feel students must be very involved in clubs, not just as participants, but as leaders, on the council, and throughout ninth grade” she adds, not only enforcing students to join, but to control your club. Noah Sobel, freshman, says that being on a team is tough work. “You just have to stick it out” says, “But I want to continue it until my senior year.” When asked if he was thinking about college, in relation to his sport, he states, “I have thought about college, but I don’t know where I want to go”. Many answers on the poll show that a student does various activities once they reach home, varying from community service to sports to homework to television. When asked how long they engage in such activity, it ranges from half an hour to five hours. Interesting enough, most of the students honestly answered that they yes, infact, have enough timre to accomplish everything they wanted when they got home. I would move this paragraph up here so that you have all of the positive opinions together and not in the same paragraphs as negative opinions. The recent polls taken show otherwise, that some people are not infavor of so many extracurricular activities. The polls show, that averaged, a student who plays more than one sport defines themself as a “C” student, although they describe themself as a “hard worker”. Ms. Sahwell also adds that if you are concerned with community service, you should start out early. If your a freshmen, have a minumum of 25 service hours each year, so you don’t face trouble come time to get your diploma.