AUTHOR: Hannah Kramer EVALUATOR: Nadine Goldberg
STORY: Extra-Curricular Activities DATE: 10-30-08
WHO: Students WHAT: Are and should be involved in extra-curricular
activities.
WHERE: MBSH WHEN: All throughout high school
WHY: They are fun and important for getting into college.
HOW: not just as members, but in leadership positions
LEDE: poor 2 4 6 8 10 perfect
WHY?: It sounds a little bit like a news lead.
ALTERNATE LEDE: Football team members roam the school in ties and
dress shirts before games, SGA drapes informational banners from the
railings, community service sign-up sheets fill up rapidly, and teams’
victories are announced almost daily; Beach High is abound with extra-
curricular activities.
OBJECTIVITY: poor 4 8 12 16 20 perfect
BIASED WORDS: I think this is fine because after, all, we all know that
extra-curricular activities are important. It’s also good that you have the
quote about how it’s tough to be on a team, but worth it.
JOURN. VOICE: poor 4 8 12 16 20 perfect
POOR WORDS: We’re not supposed to use words like you or our.
STRUCTURE: poor 2 4 6 8 10 perfect
SUGGESTIONS: I think the article would be a lot easier to understand if
you tweaked the structure. Right now you have paragraphs that say both
negative and positive things about extra-curricular activities, so that’s a
little confusing. I wrote my suggestion on the actual article below.
SOURCES: poor 4 8 12 16 20 perfect
SUGG. SOURCES: 1)
2)____________________________________________________
3)____________________________________________________
4)____________________________________________________
EXPLAIN: I think the way that you used your poll results was a little
confusing. From the point of view of the reader, it doesn’t make sense to
me that students who are on athletic teams are not in favor of them just
because they are C students and work hard. I think that if you just
simplified the information and just gave a percentage of people who
were/weren’t in favor of extra-curricular activities, it might make more
sense. Also, that part of your article conflicts with your first sentence, which
is why the one I recommended is more neutral.
QUOTES: poor 4 8 12 16 20 perfect
REWRITE QUOTE1: Laura Fernandez, freshman, says, “Extracurricular
activities not only brings out the best ability in students,
but it looks great on your college application!”
EXPLAIN: This is really minor, but you only need one punctuation
mark at the end.
REWRITE QUOTE2: Mrs. Maria Sahwell, CAP advisor, agrees. “I feel students
must be very involved in clubs, not just as participants,
but as leaders, on the council, and throughout ninth
grade.”
EXPLAIN: I think that saying she happens to agree makes it seem
like a coincidence, even though there’s a reason that
they both support extra-curricular activities. Also, it’s not
necessary to include “not only enforcing students to
join, but to control your club.” Her quote makes that
clear and you don’t want to waste words.
REWRITE QUOTE3: Noah Sobel, freshman, says that being on a team is
tough work. “You just have to stick it out,” he says, “but
I want to continue it until my senior year.”
EXPLAIN: The only problem with the first part was comma
placement and that you skipped a word, but I don’t
think you need the second part (“When asked if he was
thinking about college, in relation to his sport, he states,
“I have thought about college, but I don’t know where
I want to go,”) because his quote doesn’t actually
have much to do with sports.
TOTAL POINTS: 72
GENERAL COMMENTS:
Great job! I really like your topic and the way you present it. Also, you got
some really great quotes and info from Mrs. Sahwell!
Extracurricular activities at Miami Beach Senior High are being taken up and enjoyed by
students during the 2008-2009 school year.
From swimming to golf to cheerleading to bowling, you can find it at MBSH. Many
students greatly look upon the various extracurricular activities. Laura Fernandez,
freshman, says, “Extracurricular activities not only brings out the best ability in students,
but it looks great on your college application!”. Mrs. Maria Sahwell, CAP advisor,
happens to agree. “I feel students must be very involved in clubs, not just as participants,
but as leaders, on the council, and throughout ninth grade” she adds, not only enforcing
students to join, but to control your club.
Noah Sobel, freshman, says that being on a team is tough work. “You just have to stick
it out” says, “But I want to continue it until my senior year.” When asked if he was
thinking about college, in relation to his sport, he states, “I have thought about college,
but I don’t know where I want to go”.
Many answers on the poll show that a student does various activities once they reach
home, varying from community service to sports to homework to television. When asked
how long they engage in such activity, it ranges from half an hour to five hours.
Interesting enough, most of the students honestly answered that they yes, infact, have
enough timre to accomplish everything they wanted when they got home. I would move
this paragraph up here so that you have all of the positive opinions together and not in the
same paragraphs as negative opinions.
The recent polls taken show otherwise, that some people are not infavor of so many
extracurricular activities. The polls show, that averaged, a student who plays more than
one sport defines themself as a “C” student, although they describe themself as a “hard
worker”.
Ms. Sahwell also adds that if you are concerned with community service, you should start
out early. If your a freshmen, have a minumum of 25 service hours each year, so you
don’t face trouble come time to get your diploma.