Mr. Mody's 'College Professor Application Essay' 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE HUMAN RESOURCES STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I can eat more ice cream in a single sitting than most small families. Butter almond, raspberry fudge tort, Price Chopper Vanilla…it doesn’t matter. I consume large amounts of coffee and sleep soundly afterwards. I have judged the quality of a student’s work by smelling it and have counted vocabulary cards by listening to them shuffled just once. I can rearrange furniture to maximize living space of any room under 300 square feet in less than four minutes. I have thrown chalk board erasers with pinpoint accuracy and when well rested my erasers have hit 94 MPH on a New York State Trooper’s radar gun. I know every word of Vanilla Ice’s Ice Ice Baby and have performed the entire song in under sixty seconds, on request, at several parties. On weekends, people can find me operating diesel-powered heavy machinery. I have been known to build pre-fabricated furniture by both candlelight and head lamps. I can hack the U.S. Postal Service Mail Routing System, but only do so to redirect my own junk mail to people I do not like. I invented bricolage one night during dinner. My friends are routinely awed by my sense of touch. I do worry about female pattern baldness. I once called 911 when I found my car stolen, but when I realized that my sister had only borrowed it while I was meditating on a cure for snooze button addiction, I dismissed the police by calling 119. At a birthday party for the High Mookla, I snapped the national anthem of Equatorial Guinea for his amusement. I have signed a contract to release a remix of it, featuring Sporty Spice. In eighth grade I trained under noted master Fol Din Pai Pah for three months and completed the first full size origami submarine, which I then sold to the Swiss Navy. I have tirelessly perfected my skills of chainsaw sculpture. My works can be readily seen in many high school lobbies in the Great Salt Lake Region. In my spare time, I sing love ballads in the Barundian African Tribal language of Warundi. I am proud that I worked hard to overcome my fear of pine cones. I have climbed the highest peak of China’s Yellow Mountains with a large teddy bear named Pengyou strapped to my back and have SCUBA dived off the cliffs in Bob Marley’s home town in Jamaica. I once actually walked on water. I have a picture if you require proof. I can do the six minute ab workout in four minutes. I have played Lazar Wolfe and Nicely Johnson. I aspire to, one day, be just like myself. Raccoons have been documented as spying on me. I have beaten my grandmother at rummy, accidentally called a Native American twice my size “chief” (I meant police chief), and once even taught Laura Falkowitz. But I have not yet taught a college class.
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