Volume One, Issue Two www.rcsa.co.uk/newsletter Still going after more than one issue! ... the more things stay the same” said a wise man, and by gosh wasn’t he wrong? Canteen boycotts, resigning Presidents, heroic rugby victories - whoever said Robinson was “apathetic”? (actually it was CUSU’s Alternative Prospectus, the fools). “May you live in interesting times...” That’s a Chinese curse, isn’t it? The Cuppers Rugby success (more of that on The Back Page) shows that despite not having the huge pool of players available to the bigger colleges like St.Johns or Trinity, Binson more than makes up for this with great team spirit and damn fine playing. Also, the victory over Churchill in the final conclusively proves that a chubby, brandy-soaked politician is no match for a svelte, toned man who rents TVs. Great war leader? Pah. On the subject of more well-endowed colleges (so to speak), it’s also fantastic to see the Robinson May Ball Mutiny capitalise on last year’s excellent event, and more than hold its own with the other, more pricey Balls on offer. Tickets have been snapped up with almost Glastonbury-like fervour (and you don’t have to sit in a wet field with people who haven’t changed their clothes since Hendrix was alive). News of the bands involved hasn’t filtered through yet, but you can guarantee that there’ll be something for everyone’s tastes. I’m still holding out for Scottish terror twins The Proclaimers, personally. And finally, to the subject of the vacant RCSA Presidency (well, vacant at this moment at least). Immense credit must be given to Acting President and V.P. Tim Blower, a man who makes Rupert Murdoch look like something of a slacker. Certainly, the role of President is a tough task, and one that requires a hell of a lot of hard work during a period where time is scarce to come by. But still; the post remains open... So questions must be asked: Will the new RCSA President lend their name so delightfully to rampant innuendo? Will Robinson extend its new-found rugby dominance to the more genteel (and less psychotic) Summer sports of tennis and cricket? Will this column ever end? The answers: Possibly, hopefully, and Mixed Success For Robinson Romeos. Robinson College’s nymphomaniacs were left with mixed feelings over the holidays, as the RCSA website’s poll (www.rcsa.co.uk) stated that although 8% of our grubby little students had pulled more than 4 of their contemporaries in the steaming orgy of the Fresher term, a sad and lonely 44% (crikey) had spectacularly failed to procure a single romantic attachment. Experts (if you can call them that) have cited a number of reasons for these disparate figures. Some have suggested a rise in popularity of the George Dubya Bush sponsored Silver Ring campaign, where youngsters pledge chastity until marriage, or even the terrifying number of ladies arriving at Robinson with long term boyfriends. Or is ignorance to blaim? At a recent RCSA open meeting, a male student - who shall remain mercifully nameless - claimed there was no contraception available at Binson.... (more filth exposed on The Back Page.) An apology. As you may be aware, dear reader, in the last issue of RedBrick, we made the striking claim that former RCSA President Graham Johnson was in possession of the finest quiff in Surrey “and many would say the Western Hemisphere”. After a furious outcry, which threatened to shake Robinson to its (slightly crumbly) foundations, we have been forced to acknowledge a shocking omission: not even the slightest mention was given to the fabulous hairartistry of Second Year NatSci and professional Welshman Jamie Kitt. The quiff, based on the popular “Ski Jump for Headlice” barbershop style, yet incorporating an astonishing individual twist, is considered by many to be one of the major tourist attractions of Cardiff, along with the Millennium Stadium and watching the local Burberry-wearing brigade bottle each other to death when the clubs close after a Friday night. However! RedBrick is not merely content to make scandalous claims Hair, There and Everywhere. based on idle speculation and malicious rumour. Admittedly that’s a lie, but even so, expert advice was required. In a bold (and somewhat ill thought-out) move, we kidnapped noted Cambridge barber Mr. Polito and tortured him with pictures of mullets and combovers until he gave us his learned opinion. Mr. Polito says: “The quiff of this plucky young contender was proved to be a full four inches in height, far outclassing the Johnson effort, which measured only 3.5 inches fully erect (as it were). However, attention must be drawn to the fact that Signoro Kitt uses artificial stimulants in order to erect his pride and glory. Signoro Johnson, on the other hand, employs only a hairdryer - a courageous step considering the likelihood of a bouffant emerging after such a ploy.” All of which goes to show... surprisingly little, in fact, which is something of a disappointment. Nevertheless, the battle rages on. Can your hair compare? News just in. To the surprise of no-one at all, a new government report has revealed allegations of bias in the Oxford interview process. Confusingly though, the report has failed to indicate that Oxbridge exclusively admits landed gentry with double-barrelled surnames, and instead makes the astonishing claim that in fact the university is biased towards those of the female persuasion. Yes, as much as you ladies might naively believe that your male supervisor offered you a place at Robinson based on your sparkling wit and academic excellence, according to the Press he was just a randy old goat who wanted to lech over you some more. Shocking. However, having more of the fairer sex in universities can only be a good thing - for Oxford Now Biased Towards Girls... no, Boys.... no, Girls, no.... one thing they smell nicer, and overall look better in skirts. However, what does this report actually prove? That universities are institutionally racist, sexist, fascist, and lots of other things that the government likes to accuse people of ending in “-ist”? Indeed, given the amount of tabloid fury over Oxbridge applications, can it be said that the ideal university candidate is an asexual troglodyte of Mongolian and Eskimo heritage, brought up by sewer rats and educated by memorising the useful pieces of trivia found on certain Walls’ lollypop sticks? After much thought here at RedBrick Towers, we’ve decided to say a hearty “Bollocks” to Political Correctness; and as such we are proud to introduce the very first “Column to Offend Absolutely Everybody”. Fast food restaurants around the world were left in disarray yesterday, when devastating reports filtered through concerning “financial irregularities” in the accounts of Colonel Sanders, diminuitive president of Kentucky Fried Chicken Plc. The case centres around a “compulsory increase” of 25 pence (or equivalent) on all KFC items, only months after the Colonel dramatically inflated his prices. Prosecutors have stated that Sanders sanctioned the increase in order to compensate for the Cuddly Colonel in Embezzling Shock! financial mismanagement of his company. Desperate for the true story, RedBrick attempted to contact the reclusive Colonel, who according to legend has a tiny feeble body but an enormous, bloated head (rather like the average Cambridge Union President, as a matter of fact). Although our efforts proved unsuccessful, we did manage to get in contact with the Hamburglar, who described the hapless Colonel as “a bloody disgrace”. The trial continues... As the above article states, we live in a Politically Correct age. Not a day goes by without accusations of prejudice spouting up from the Tabloid Press, like a huge filthy geyser. But surely, if prejudice is centered around treating one person differently from another, then if EVERYONE is offended then there’s no bias at all! So on the momentous occasion of our second ever issue, we’re bringing together the ever-warring factions of man and woman through possibly the most universal method of communication of them all - the insult. RedBrick: Striking crushing blows for equality, truth and justice around the globe. Pass me a violin. The Boys. “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult” - Charlotte Whitton “Masculinity and stupidity are often indistinguishable” - H.L. Mencken “The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs” - Marie de Rabutin-Chantal “The only thing that can make a woman feel lonelier than a vibrator can make her feel, is a man” - Isha Elafi “A gentleman is a patient wolf” - Henrietta Tiarks “If a woman hasn’t met the right man by the time she’s twenty-four, she may be lucky” - Deborah Kerr The Girls. “When a woman inclines to learning there is usually something wrong with her sex apparatus” - Friedrich Nietzsche “All women are little balls of fluff in the eyes of the Creator” - Donald Pomerleau, Baltimore Police Commissioner, testifying in a sex discrimination case “Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both” - Samuel Butler “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her” - Rodney Dangerfield “Give a woman an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler” - Anon. “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same” - Oscar Wilde Here at RedBrick, we try to concentrate on the lighter side of life; to lift you from your sordid state as a starving student, to help you forget - if only for a moment - that your life is a sham, full of sadness and broken dreams. However, occasionally the duty falls upon us to impart upsetting news. Sadly, the entity known as Graham’s Johnson has perished. Perhaps some could see that the end was near when the “Graham’s Johnson” Fails To Last. size of Graham’s Johnson shrank, from its mighty beginnings, to but a mere shadow of itself. In this cut-and-thrust world, inches count, and Graham’s Johnson fell sadly short. Goodbye old friend, we’ll miss you. Editorial Comment: Any reader who would like to commemorate Graham’s Johnson should contact the “Jim Davidson Fund For Furthering Innuendo In Today’s Society”. T.C.S. Scandal: Articles written to fill up space? The world of Cambridge Student Newspapers reeled last week, shaken by allegations of “writing articles to fill up space” directed towards T.C.S., or “the one that’s not Varsity” as the majority of people know it. In keeping with T.C.S.’ deep-rooted commitment to accurate information, we can reveal that Bobbyson College, on Garage Road, implemented a Computer Room Boycott for.. (more well-researched facts to follow next issue.) Editor’s Note: Just as a precaution, does anyone have the number for O.J. Simpson’s lawyers? Thanks. THIS SPRING, SHOWING EXCLUSIVELY AT Episode One KILL PHIL ROBINSON UNDERGROUND CINEMA After such an awe-inspiring first edition of RedBrick, you could be forgiven for thinking that any follow up could only be a let-down, and we should just take the next plane to Barbados and live out the rest of our lives in sunny luxury, being served powerful cocktails by ladies in dangerously short hula skirts. But no, you lucky, lucky people, instead we’re treating you to a BRAND NEW column; where our intrepid investigative journalists delve up the dark back-passage of classic children’s TV shows, and ask the eternal question - Where the hell are they now? This edition: Saturday morning favourite, Saved By The Bell. Zack Mark-Paul Gosselaar, who played the loveable scamp Zack, has had mixed success since his glory years in Saved By The Bell. Sadly, his acting career has never reached truly great heights, with minor roles in shows such as N.Y.P.D. Blue, although having a name like a camp interior decorator can’t have helped him snag too many action hero roles. However, he does earn a fair living doing Gary Barlow impersonations around the world, and is available (at very low rates) for birthday parties, Christenings and Bar Mitzvahs. Was also once rumoured to have expired after driving his car off a cliff, but since he appeared on The Sharon Osbourne Show last month, we’re about, ooh, 70% certain he’s not dead. Jessie Elizabeth Berkeley, the poodle haired Jessie in the show, is a tragic case. Hilariously, after striving to avoid the wandering hands of Slater for six years, she then went and made Showgirls, which must have pissed him off no end. More offensive due to Kyle Machlachlan’s horrid fringe than anything else, Showgirls is a heartrending tale of boy meets girl, girl takes clothes off, girl takes clothes off some more, girl pours champagne over herself in swimming pool after taking off clothes, and so on and so forth. Don’t you just love those old-fashioned family movies? Slater Who else could have played Latin lothario A.C. Slater than a man named Mario Lopez? After Saved By The Bell, young Mario sadly descended into a decadent drug-fuelled haze. As the boundaries blurred between fiction and reality, Mario was often to be found breaking into random high school gymnasiums, wearing a red singlet and challenging bemused students to an “all-in wrestling” contest. Fortunately, in recent years Mario has cleaned up his act, and now delivers Domino’s pizzas in the Massachusetts area. He doesn’t get many visitors, so if you’re ever over in the U.S. of A., pop round his apartment and say “hi”. He’ll like that. Kelly All-American cutie pie Kelly was brought to life by Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (what is it with these double-barrelled first names?). Following the lead of her co-star Ms. Berkeley, Tiffani-Amber has not been averse to making the odd “erotic thriller”, so stay tuned to Channel 5 if you’re interested in what, or indeed who, she’s doing right now. She also had a role in (un)wittily named teen comedy Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th, which astonishingly failed to capture the critical acclaim it so richly deserved. Well, it’s better than Scary Movie at least. Screech Ah, who could forget the riotous comic creation that was Screech Powers? From being put in a locker, to saying “Mr. Belding...” in an irritating voice, to, well, being put in a locker again, the physical comedy of Dustin Diamond livened up our Saturday mornings no end. Sadly the man is now a burnt out husk of his former self, and drags his sorry carcass from one shoddy Saved By The Bell spin-off to another. Also, apparently knocked back American Pie bombshell Tara Reid. The great tit. So what next for our Saved By The Bell heroes? Riches, fame and happiness, or shame, despair and appearances on Reality TV programmes? Perhaps, given the age of the characters now, Saved By The Bell: The Menopause and Hair-Loss Years is in order, or even a fashionable prequel - Saved By The Teacher Calling Us In For The End of Playtime. Whatever happens, rest assured you’ll hear it here first. A lost Tarantino classic, filmed before the geeky little gnome started to believe he was a genuine gangster. Kill Phil is a fast paced, humorous, multiplotted crime movie starring Tarantino favourites Uma Thurman, Samuel L. Jackson and Harvey Keitel as ruthless mob bosses attempting to take down deadly assassin and former RCSA Academics Affairs officer Phil Tipton. From the makers of Four Weddings and a Funeral and Notting Hill, this feel-good Christmassy film should have you laughing all the way home, and Richard Curtis laughing all the way to the bank. Starring pretty much every British actor you’ve ever heard of, a group of ridiculously good looking rich people fall in love with one another, to the backdrop of an eerily unpopulated London. Winner of Oscars for “Most Cynical Use Of Emotive Music”, “Most Excessive Use of Archly Knowing Glances” (Rowan Atkinson) and “Best Actor in an Uncannily Familiar Role” (shared between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth). Special Offer: Half price to guys who’ve been dragged along by their girlfriends. Set in a time where men were real men, and women were real men, this film has already been proclaimed “a modern classic”, mostly because its director went round telling everybody it was. Chilly Hill stars Hollywood A-listers Nicole Kidman, Jude Law and Renee Zellve... Zellwyg.... the tubby lass who played Bridget Jones. Based partly on a true story, and more on the fact that anything vaguely serious generally sweeps the Oscar board, Chilly Hill features much suffering, misery and long, lingering glances. Also, pretty much guaranteed to feature a cold-hearted English villain with a pencil thin moustache. Starring Keanu Reeves, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Cameron Diaz, The Sequel Reloaded is guaranteed to leave you wondering where nearly two hours of your life just went. Sparks fly in this futuristic, retro, sensitive, violent tale of Bad Acting vs. Lame Scriptwriting vs. Dodgy CGI. Who will triumph? Find out next summer. Or perhaps the summer after that. Etc. Arnie: He’ll be back. Annoyingly. Hugh Grant: Playing some kind of fop, no doubt. Closing another sterling edition of RedBrick, riding gallantly into the sunset, it’s.... The Thrill Of The Chaste? Last term was a momentous one for Robinson sport. In this new column, Athletics Captain, Dan “Bray Machine” Bray looks over the triumphs and tribulations of our dashing sportsmen and women, before running off. Very, very fast. After the Rugby team failed to turn out for the 1st round of Cuppers against Girton, we were entered into the Cuppers Plate competition with high hopes of doing well. Trinity were the first team to be seen off, followed by Tit Hall and then Emma in the semi-finals. This set the scene for an amazing final at Grange Road stadium against Churchill. 17-10 down with 15 minutes to go, things were looking bleak, but tries from Simon Ringshall and James Lockwood secured victory. The team was fantastic, the crowd was fantastic, everyone from Robinson was jubilant and everyone from Churchill was gutted. Even their mascot got beaten up. Ha. missed out on victory, but managed to score comfortably above 3rd place and all of the other 16 competing colleges. Special mentions must go to Ali D’Vaz and Dan Bray for winning their A-string events, Aiden Brown, Rob Hoey, Dave Halse and Chris Whitcombe for winning their B-string events and to Dave Allin for also winning his B-string race, then tripping over the finish line and dislocating his elbow. So to football, and in a desperate climax to the season, Robinson 1sts narrowly missed out on promotion to The Premier League, whilst the 2nds just missed out on staying in Division 5. ... Perhaps the poor lamb believed the (somewhat obvious) machines in the Gents supplied breath-freshening mints, or even an innovatively wrapped piece of chewing gum? But RedBrick is loathe to insult those who prefer the restrained lifestyle. After all, we do live in a (vaguely) democratic society. So we say: do whatever It was a bittersweet end to the term for the 2nds, who finished with a victory against Grange Road rivals Selwyn. Captain Mark Houlgate writes: “The script was written. In a game we had to win, on a day we you feel comfortable with. But preferably not in front of everyone on the Bassment floor. (continued from Page 1) The Inter-College Cuppers championships was a very close run competition between Robinson and Trinity, with the two colleges tied on points going into the last event. Unfortunately we just deserved to win, with the clock running down and the dream slipping away, up stepped the big man to cooly slot in a penalty he’d won himself in the 90th minute, to win the game, and incidentally to chalk up his 50th goal in Cambridge, in his last ever game for Robinson College.” That man was Rory Smith. A fitting ending. Keeping abreast of the Beckham situation so you don’t have to! The events that shocked the whole of England! (and mildly amused everyone else): * The Daily Beckham discovers new text messages sent to Beckham’s mobile. Sample line: “I **** you ***** me *** as **** with a large *** and ***** the **** hamster” (Alastair Campbell named as chief suspect). * News of the Beckham exclusively interviews supposed Beckham conquests Cecilia Bandwagon-Jumper, Patsy Freeloader, and pretty much any girl who’s been on holiday to Madrid. Ever. * And readership of The Times plummets following a misguided decision to leave one guy’s private life well alone. Tabloid-tastic will return when the papers start writing about something else. Give it a few months. Cambridge Win Boat Race With Oar-Inspiring Performance. Cambridge Boaties celebrated over the holidays, as the Light Blue oarsmen trounced the Oxford Eight by a quite frankly embarrassing six lengths, in a time of 18min 47sec. However, the race was packed with controversy, as both sides - no doubt inspired by the theme of Robinson’s May Ball - made rather piratical attempts to sink the opposition with their oars, with the Dark Blues coming off the worse. Despite the frantic appeals of the Oxford crew, Umpire James Behrens (from, um, Cambridge) upheld the Light Blue victory. Likewise, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger, watching from the banks, surprisingly claimed he “did not see” the incident. After two years of Oxford victories, the Cambridge oarsmen reeled off celebrating into the night. It would be appallingly cynical to suggest that the Boat Race has become somewhat lessened due to the Oxbridge rowing coaches selecting 26 year old, 7 foot tall German supermen, specially imported for the race, rather than skinny, pale, genuine undergraduates. So we won’t. Well well well, it’s all change at Robinson College isn’t it? However, some things in life do stay the same, and fortunately / unfortunately RedBrick’s cold-hearted, eagle-eyed commitment to bringing you the most mesmerising news stories and fascinating articles from Robinson, and Cambridge life in general, hasn’t waned in the slightest. Maybe it makes you feel good to know that there’s some things in life you can count on. Or maybe... it doesn’t. As always; contributions, threatening letters, information about court appearances etc to firstname.lastname@example.org. And make sure you all have a great time before the hell of the exams kicks in. As Kurtz said in Apocalypse Now “The horror.... the horror....” Cheers, The Grand Finale Ewey.