Bent & Twisted by monkey6


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									Trailing Edge Media, Inc.
February 29th, 2006

Bent & Twisted

Moss flies in to warm welcome— “ missed We you, Kate”says crowd of coke dealers Prescott appointed EU negotiator for Iran reactor crisis— nuclear war now inevitable Storm of protest over cartoon— “ Fred Basset really boring” Rinka the dog shot again in long-running Liberal Party scandal


Paxman shoots Jack Straw dead on Newsnight
The Foreign Secretary, Jack Straw was last night shot dead on live television by the Newsnight presenter Jeremy Paxman. Viewers watched in shock as Paxman pulled out revolver concealed in his trousers, shouted “ ve had enough of I’ this!” and fired six shots into Mr Straw. BBC commissionaires then rushed onto the set and Paxman surrendered the gun without a struggle. The drama started at 10:46pm when, after a filmed piece on the US programme of ‘ renditions’of terrorist suspects to countries where they are subject to torture, Paxman began his live interview with the Foreign Secretary. He asked “How many US planes carrying prisoners have landed in Britain en route to countries where these suspects may be tortured?” Mr Straw replied “We have found no evidence that any prisoners have been transported through Britain to countries where they may be tortured”. Adopting his trademark expression of amused contempt, Paxman retorted “Well you can’ have looked t very hard, then” and he repeated the question. Again, Mr Straw replied that no evidence had been found. This pattern was repeated over the following eight minutes, with Paxman asking the same question a total of 15 times. An increasingly flustered Mr Straw stuttered An unrepentent Paxman is led away the same reply on each after the shooting last night occasion, clearly answering from a pre-arranged script, and incapable of thinking “I think he stands a good himself out of the situation. chance of being found not The final, bloody conclusion guilty of murder. Look at it to this unusually this way, a jury has 12 confrontational TV debate people. You can be pretty came at 10:55pm, when sure that at least seven out Paxman emptied his revolver of every 12 people in the into the Foreign Secretary. country jumped up on their sofas and cheered as So what does the future hold Paxman finished off the oily for Jeremy Paxman now? We little twerp last night”. asked media lawyer Mel Practiss for an assessment –




Bush calls on Hamas to renounce democracy
Responding to the Hamas victory in the Palestinian elections, President Bush announced there would be no recognition of the new government until it renounced democracy. “We cannot allow the Palestinian people to vote out of office a corrupt and incompetent administration that had been incapable of protecting its citizens from Israeli land seizures, border closures, assassinations and killings of unarmed civilians including children. “The last thing the region needs is a democratic regime that is honest, efficient and supported by its people.”

Massive police hunt for missing Chantelle
Blonde Chantelle Houghton went missing last night as police launched their biggest-ever search operation. Telegraph, Guardian, Sunday Times, Observer and Economist. that she’ now dependent on s it. I’ worried if she doesn’ m t get constant publicity it may harm her. So Chantelle, please call me. We’ had an ve approach from Melvyn Bragg who wants to do a two-part South Bank Show special, and the Tate Modern is planning an installation based on you. We all love you, and so do the lads’ magazines, Loaded, Front and Maxim” .

Her mother, blonde Vivian Houghton, Chantelle, who beat appealed for her to Michael Barrymore to get in touch. s become the Celebrity Chantelle’ blonde “Chantelle’ got so s mum Big Brother winner, much going for her has been missing – she’ blonde, s since appearing everywhere, young and bubbly. But she’ s including the Times, Daily so used to getting attention

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Gordon Brown consolidates £430bn public debt w i t h F i r s t p l u s l o a n – “N o w w e c a n a f f o r d t h a t upgraded nuclear deterrent we’ e always wanted” v
Speaking in the Commons yesterday, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, announced he had consolidated all the Government’ public debt s into one loan. “I was relaxing one evening at 11 Downing Street, making amusing words using upside-down numbers on my calculator, when there was a knock on the door. It was Carol Voorderman, the smart young lady from Countdown. I invited her in, and she told me all about the benefits of a Firstplus loan. She explained it was flexible, had a range of repayment choices and I could talk to

Corrections and clarifications
Apologies to any of our readers who phoned the number we printed in the last issue expecting to get through to the Lib Dem HQ. We gave the premium rate number for the chat line favoured by Simon Hughes by mistake. It’ good though, s isn’ it? t We wrongly referred to Johnny “Mad Dog” Adair as a Loyalist thug, drug-dealer and racketeer in our issue of December 11th. We are happy to point out that these allegations are completely unfounded. Now will you let her go, please? The asteroid that will destroy all life on earth is predicted to impact on 15th March 2006, not 14th March 2006. Apologies for the mistake. Due to an editing error, all the items in the last issue were incorrect. Apologies for the mistake.

Gordon Brown and Carol Voorderman at 11 Downing Street, a few minutes after Carol closed the sale

friendly staff who could help me in minutes. Well, I didn’ t need much convincing, so in a few minutes I signed on the dotted line.

Now all the UK’ £430bn s public debt is all neatly tied up in a Firstplus loan.”

Monotheistic deities arrested for incitement to religious hatred
Three supernatural beings claiming to be all-powerful deities were arrested yesterday under the new law relating to incitement to religious hatred. Yhwh, God and Allah were picked up by the newlyformed Metropolitan Police God Squad. The charges are believed to relate to the each of the deities’identical claims to be the one true god, and for their many calls to devotees to smite the followers of other gods. As their believers protested outside Paddington Police Station where the three deities are being held, the Home Secretary Charles Clarke rejected calls for a similar round-up of Hindu deities, on the basis that there were insufficient police cells to hold them.

Tories to nationalise rail, steel, utilities, says Cameron
Tory leader David Cameron yesterday announced a sweeping programme of nationalisation to be introduced when a Conservative government comes to power. In a statement that might ring alarm bells with traditionalists like Norman Tebbitt and other supporters of Baroness Thatcher, David Cameron said “As Conservatives we need to differentiate ourselves from New Labour. We need to take control of the nation’ assets s and use them for the benefit of the People. The nation needs a tremendous overhaul, a great programme of modernisation and re-equipment of its Cameron— will add Clause IV to Tory Party homes, its constitution factories and machinery, its schools, its social services. So we shall nationalise the railways, the coal, oil, shipbuilding and steel industries, the water, electricity, gas and telecomms utilities.”

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Eriksson duped by News of the World reporter posing as glamorous Italian lawyer
Sven-Goran Eriksson’ s private life was in ruins last night after it was revealed that his long-term girlfriend was secretly an undercover reporter. Mazher Mahmood, famous as the News of the World’ s “fake sheikh”has been posing as Nancy Dell’ Ollio, Mr Eriksson’ partner, since s 1995. The news came as a huge shock, according to Mr Eriksson’ spokesman, Mike s Hugger – “Over the years there have been many hurtful comments about Nancy. No one believed the story that she was a lawyer, and I lost count of the times she was thrown out of hotels because they thought she was a hooker, but I never suspected for one minute that Nancy was a man” . Mr Eriksson, who had high profile flings with Ulrika Jonsson, Fariah Alam and Madonna at the same time he was living with “Nancy” , must now be embarking on a damage-limitation exercise while he prepares for Mr Mahmood’ revelations s about his indiscretions over the past 10 years. Meanwhile Mr Mahmood would give little away to the crowd of reporters as he left Eriksson’ flat s for the last time – “All I will tell you at the moment is that there were a lot of bungs involved”, he said with a smile. Seeking more background information, this reporter tracked down an expert with many years experience in the twilight world of transvestitism. I met her in a club down in old Soho, where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Cherry Cola. She walked up to me and she asked me “Nancy Dell’ Ollio” AKA undercover reporter to dance. I asked Mazher Mahmood, leaving Sven’ flat for the s her her name and in last time yesterday a dark brown voice she said “ Lola”. one of her long-term clients, known only as “Ray” . Lola told me “it was clear to all of us that Nancy was a TV As Mr Eriksson faces up to – a very good one, but still his first day without “Nancy” , just a TV. When you’ been ve he must be reflecting that in the business as long as I it’ a mixed-up, muddled-up, s have, you can recognise shook up-world. them a mile off” Lola then . said farewell and left with

Israeli premier comes out of coma Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon yesterday woke up from his month-long coma, went out for a cheeseburger, then slipped back into his coma. Euro Lottery rollover prize now increased to Belgium The rollover prize for the Euro Lottery has become so large that most of its target market can’ t understand the high numbers involved, according to the organisers. So instead of a cash prize, the next winner of the international lottery will receive Belgium instead.

“Gay We s t e r n l o v e s t o r y ” s c o o p s film awards
Rugged men, adventure, horses, the breathtaking scenery of the American West and a love story. The classic ingredients of a classic film genre, the Western, you might think. But this is a Western with a difference. A love story, to be sure, but a gay love story, and one that is scooping up the film awards. The director describes it as a simple story of the love between a good looking young man and 15 really fit cowboys. Yes, Bareback Homo Rodeo Riders has won all the major awards at the 28th Annual Gay Porn Film Festival in Oakland, California. Director Dan Gleebitz was jubilant about the success of his film, but couldn’ resists t a few cracks at fellowdirector Ang Lee – “Here’ a s guy that has three or four flash-in-the-pan successes like Crouching Tiger and Hulk, so he thinks he can muscle in on my territory and make a gay cowboy movie. Listen, I been in this business for 30 years, and I laughed when I saw his film. Did you know that Breakback Mountain doesn’ even have t one money shot? Not ONE! Whereas my movie has one every 17 minutes, regular as clockwork! That’ because we s do our market research. We know our audience won’ wait t longer than that – can’ wait. t You just watch – that Ang Lee, he’ going to sink without s trace” .

Princess Michael voted most popular Royal Princess Michael of Kent has been voted Most Popular Member of the Royal Family by readers of Heil!, the Austrian edition of Hello! magazine. Runnerup was the late Kaiser Wilhelm II.

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Investigators arrest 646 cheats for massive benefits fraud
Benefits fraud investigators swooped on a building in Westminster yesterday and arrested 646 people for claiming benefits while refusing to work. Chief investigator Nick Emhall said “We had heard rumours of an organised fraud going back many years, but my team was truly shocked at what we uncovered” . In a cleverly-planned scam, the benefits cheats claimed they were unable to seek regular employment because they were “ serving the community”. In return for this unspecified service, they were able to claim £59,000 a year in a guaranteed lump sum, up to £84,000 “ staffing allowance” for carers, plus a range of ingenious extra allowances that could top £25,000. And for these inflated allowances, investigators found the 646 cheats mostly spent the chatting and arguing amongst themselves, or drinking in bars. Some stayed at home most of the time. Many moonlighted and had highly paid jobs as company directors, lawyers or doctors. One had even spent two weeks on a reality TV programme – all the time fraudulently claiming the benefits. The worst offender, according to Mr Emhall, was the ‘ Big’of the whole Mr operation. Known by the initials “P.M.” this cheat , claimed a higher basic sum than any of his coconspirators (£184,000) but was also found to be enjoying two luxury homes provided by the taxpayer, as well as a large London house and two flats in Bristol paid for with his fraudulentlyclaimed benefits. He took exotic holidays in the Seychelles, West Indies and Tuscany paid for by corrupt foreign politicians, wealthy pop stars and shady businessmen. His wife – who was an habitual associate of criminals – was also raking it in, with lecture tours and books describing how difficult it was living with the pressure of a lifestyle like hers. By closing down this scam, benefits investigators have saved the country upwards of £108,000,000 per year. The building at the centre of this long-running scandal will now be used for the benefit of the nation – perhaps as a visitor attraction similar to the Millennium Dome.

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Editorial Ethics Advisory Board
Revd Jonathan Aitken Lord Archer Lord Black of Crossharbour Julie Burchill Richard Littlejohn Piers Morgan

Revealed— the ringleader of the gigantic fraud, known by the initials “P.M.” plus two henchmen “earning their money” by sitting around all day doing nothing

David Beckham victim of “g r a f f i t i tattooist”
David Beckham yesterday revealed that he was the unwitting victim of a graffiti tattoo artist. The Real Madrid star was asleep on a Marbella beach on Saturday when an unknown perpetrator covered his back with unsightly tattoos. “Just look at it, it makes me look like an idiot”said Beckham yesterday, displaying the damage to a crowd of waiting press
Beckham with unsightly tattoos yesterday

with a nappy, that looks like an early reject from an Iron Maiden album cover. There’ s a horrid angel thing on my arm. Plus they wrote my little boy’ name on my lower s back. Then what really puzzles me are the words ‘ elbow’on my elbow, and ‘ arse’somewhere else.” Beckham and his wife Victoria announced there would be a reward of £5,000 for identifying which fool was responsible for the tattoos.

photographers. “There’ this s really cheap and nasty man

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