THE STORY OF GRACE
It was a lovely Saturday in May when , in the midst of a baby shower, Amy proudly made the announcement that she and Scott were expecting a baby in January , 2003. I was thrilled beyond words and immediately began planning on how this new life would bring such joy to our family. Since Amy and Scott have two wonderful little boys, I dreamed of having another grand daughter…I was certain that Amy also wished for the new baby to be a girl. A few weeks later she confided in me that now that she was pregnant, it really didn’t matter anymore if she had a boy or a girl. It seemed she had been given a certain, unexpected peace. Little did I know of the ways this little life would continue to bring peace beyond all understanding. The early sonograms were normal, a nice little heart beat, but too soon to determine the gender of the baby. When Amy was at 16 weeks gestation, she scheduled a level two sonogram, as she was not willing to undergo the AFP or amniocentesis. Due to what is now considered ”advanced maternal age” (36), the sonogram was scheduled when she would be at 20 weeks gestation. It was a beautiful Monday afternoon as I drove to meet Amy and Scott at the office of Dr Wickstrom, the perinatal specialist. I had two gifts in a package I carried to the room where the procedure would occur, one in a pink bag and the other in a blue bag. The sonographer came to the room and began to show us the baby on the screen. She highlighted several different bones, the head, hands and feet, as well as the tiny heart, which was beating at an acceptable rate. She told us the baby weighed about 12 ounces at that time and was in breech position. As we were amazed while looking at this baby in Amy’s womb, the perinatologist, Dr Wickstom came in to the room, very briefly introduced herself and sat at a computer next to the screen the sonographer was viewing. She sat there only a few minutes and then came to the bedside and told us the baby was “very sick” and would not survive. She said the diagnosis was “ cystic hygroma with hydrops fetalis” and that these two entities in combination were always fatal.
I cannot describe the feelings that followed…I accompanied Amy to the bathroom several times and Amy, Scott and I held each other in complete despair. At some point I asked the doctor if there were any support groups for parents who were anticipating a stillborn delivery. She gave me a brochure on “Alexandra’s House” and I quietly put it in my purse and somehow we were able to walk to our cars to drive to Amy and Scott’s home. (The pink and blue bags secretly hidden from sight.) On the short drive, I cried and called out to Our Lord, “WHY?” When we arrived at their home, Amy and Scott’s friends began to arrive. Word of tragedy travels quickly among loving friends. One by one they came, to cradle Amy and Scott in their arms, to pray with them and just hold them in silent love and support. Quickly plans were made for friends to take over both Amy and Scott’s businesses. Food arrived, along with flowers and offers for childcare. Nothing was too much to ask. The perinatolgist had told us it was difficult to determine how much time would pass until the baby would be delivered, so the waiting and the praying began. The news had been given to us on Monday and by midweek Amy had contacted Patti Lewis, an angel sent to our family directly from heaven. This woman who appears to be completely open to being led by the spirit of God and that of His mother, Mary opened her heart and her arms to Amy and Scott, and subsequently to all our family and friends. Her ministry to families suffering perinatal loss began when her very own niece and her husband lost an infant to death very soon after birth. The infant’s name was Alexandra. Amy talked many times to Patti that first week and then she and Scott met with Patti on Saturday of that first week. Every time Amy would tell me she had spoken to Patti, she would relate the peace she experienced as they spoke. Should one expect any less when Our Lord sends you your own personal angel to do His work? I had such a fear that Amy would become ill, as we had been told there is a very high incidence of pre-eclampsia in this situation. I prayed to Our Lady and her Son Jesus, begging to take this baby quickly so the terrible pain and anxiety could be lifted. On September 5 th , Amy was scheduled to have a jewelry show at her cousin TJ’s home. TJ had undergone the same experience only a few short years previous and she was so very supportive. Many family members and friends attended the show and Amy was her old self again, selling jewelry and herself. She said she felt the baby had moved less that day and wondered if “something was happening”.
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I was scheduled to leave town on Friday, September 6 th , but I decide to delay my leaving until after her physician appt that AM. I met her and her friend, Heidi at Dr Halberstadt’s office . Anxiety was running very high. Amy said she had packed a bag and brought it with her as she had a feeling this was the time.
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Dr Halberstadt listened to her belly for a long time and then said, “let’s get an ultrasound.” It seemed like many miles, but in actuality it was a few feet down the hall to the sonography room. Amy was on the table a very short time when the sonographer said ” there is no cardiac activity”. Amy and Scott’s baby had gone to be with Jesus for all eternity. PAIN, the PAIN was so great, so ALL-CONSUMING! Plans were made to have Chris go to Scott’s place of employment and tell him of the baby’s death and Amy’s imminent labor. The kind nurse walked us out of the doctor’s office, across the hall , in through the back door to the labor and delivery unit at St Joseph Hospital. As we walked through the unit to a room in the rear we approached a room with the picture of a rose where the room number should have been. This is a sign to all who enter that there will be no live birth in this room. PAIN …all through to the core of me. When we were five feet outside the room, Amy fell to the floor and began wailing saying, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this”. Heidi and the nurse and I supported her until she was able to recover, get to her feet and enter the room. Scott and Chris arrived in a short time. Scott and Amy held each other , seeming they would never let go. Tracy arrived shortly there after and we began to discuss with a wonderful graduate nurse, Heather, what was to happen. Amy’s labor would be induced by taking a pill by mouth. First she would need to have an IV started. The nurse was so kind and kept telling Amy that she was in control and that the procedure would begin when she was ready. I neglected to mention previously that after it had been determined that the baby had died, I placed a call to Patti Lewis, the nurse from Alexandra’s House. Patti arrived in the hospital room in the mid –afternoon, with a basket of pink roses in her hand, and took Amy in her arms and held her in yet another attempt to remove all the pain. The pink roses were perfect buds, so beautiful, like my baby Amy. Finally, around 4:30 PM, Amy said she was ready to take the pillwhich would begin the labor and bring forth this child of God.
Patti, Scott, Chris, Mark and Tracy, the nurse, Heather and I gathered around Amy who was sitting in a rocking chair and we began to pray. We asked Our Lord to give Amy the strength she needed to complete the task at hand. It was a very prayer filled time. Everyone had their eyes closed and all were in tears. A long time passed and I heard Scott whispering in Amy’s ear, ever so quietly. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I heard his kind, loving tone. Finally, I heard him say, “Let’s go, let’s go.” I looked up and said, “Where are we going?” He looked at me in disbelief and said, “It’s time for her to take the pill”. She began laughing and replied, “I already took it”. Scott asked, “What is the red thing on the pill wrapper?”. Amy said “that is the Jolly Rancher I took out of my mouth so I could take the pill”. We all laughed together and thanked the Lord for some levity in this tragedy. Jolly Ranchers will always have a place in our family stories in the future. Some time after taking the first pill, Amy’s friends from Premier began arriving. All were in such PAIN, all sharing in Amy and Scott’s pain. As the friends in the room became so numerous, a cell phone rang. Well, it so happened that seven or eight of all had the same Kate Spade (knock off) tote bag, .all piled in the corner, and as we looked to see from which bag the phone was ringing, Amy’s friend Andrea said, “It looks like Kate Spade threw up in the corner.” Another blessing of laughter in such a difficult time. Around 6 PM, Scott. Chris and I went to the cafeteria to eat. As Chris and I viewed the limited choices of food items, we discovered we had become separated from Scott. Chris found him in the gift shop, talking to the manager about his jewelry line. I guess you can’t keep a good salesman down. As we finished our sandwiches, Linda Racunas joined us and we all discussed what was yet to come that evening. Patti Davis had previously agreed to assist the nurse in the delivery room in preparing the baby for Amy and Scott to view. All of us had fear and trepidation about what to do about seeing this infant. Information previously viewed revealed that the baby would not look like a baby any of us had ever seen before and all of us had gone over and over in our minds if we could deal with the memory of this precious child of God in the form which would be presented to us. I think everyone in the room, except for Patti was agonizing over this matter. Amy had told me several times that she was so upset that she was “afraid of her baby”. Again, I prayed for Our Lord to free her from all fear and anxiety. When I returned from the cafeteria, I found more of Amy’s friends at her side. She had taken the second pill by that time and had the epidural catheter placed in her spine. She had asked for the nurse to attempt to locate the massage therapist,
in hopes that a massage might allay some of her anxiety. The sweet little nurse, who was celebrating her birthday that date, reported the therapist had not responded to the messages left for her. Amy’s friends decided to take matters into their own hands and they asked everyone to leave, dimmed the light and gave her a 45- minute massage. Some friends….. . Amy continued to take “the pill” every two hours. I think it was around 9 or 10 PM when they put the uterine contraction monitor in place and some contractions were noted on the screen. It was about that time that Patti and I went to the cafeteria. We talked and talked as I asked questions about her ministry to families experiencing the same loss as my dear sweet daughter and her husband. I was amazed at her faith and her commitment. I asked the Lord to guide me if HE feels this is a place for me to serve. Patti and I were back in the delivery room as more friends arrived and provided support. Gayla kept demanding (in a funny way) for Amy to be “checked”. Finally, in all seriousness, the doctor did check her and said she was at a one to two. Still too difficult to determine when delivery would occur, even though her water had already broken. At about 12:30 AM I remember the doctor being in the room and the nurse told him it was time for Amy to take another pill. He said to wait until 1 AM. Then things began to happen quickly. Amy said she felt something was happening and the nurse checked, only to see that a foot was presenting. Amy became very frightened. She was shaking so that the bed was shaking. The nurse called for the doctor and asked everyone who was not planning to be in the room for the delivery to leave the room. One by one, each of Amy’s friends kissed her and left the room in tearful silence. Tricia was the last to go to the bedside. She leaned down to Amy and whispered in her ear, “Be still and know that I am God.” The doctor arrived and Chris, Mark and Tracy placed themselves behind a curtain next to the door…still in the room, but not a direct part in the intimate event which was about to occur. Scott was at Amy’s side, the doctor and nurse and Patti at her feet and I was next to Amy at the head of the bed. I rubbed her forehead and her hair and prayed the “Hail Mary “ quietly in an attempt to quiet her spirit and her body. She attempted to pray the “Hail Mary’ with me but she was so anxious that she could not form the words.
Suddenly, as from Our Lord, she was quiet, both her body and her spirit. She breathed quietly and her body was perfectly calm. She looked at me with those big brown eyes and said, “Mom, Jesus is here”. The serenity on her face was that of an angel, my angel, Amy. She said, “I’m not afraid anymore.” Then, in the dark of the night , with the presence of Our Lord Jesus in the room, Grace Ann Hopper was born to Heaven.