Anthony Han 1/14/2010 Essay 2: Draft 1 Progress Report (Please write your answers on the lines below the questions) Your Name: Anthony Han Number of words of draft 1181 TOPIC & THESIS: What subject are you profiling? “The Shelter” What is your interpretation or dominate impression of the subject? How did you discover it? It is somewhere where once you visit it, you can take something positive away from it. PURPOSE: Other than fulfilling the requirements of the assignment, what is your primary purpose in writing this essay? What do your want your readers to understand and appreciate about the subject you are profiling? Informing about “The Shelter”. I just want the readers to know about this place and how it is special. AUDIENCE: If you were to place this in an established publication, where would you send it? Why? (This could be an electronic or print publication). I would send it to college students because I think they are mature enough to understand the true meaning of attending a place like “The Shelter”. It is somewhere you could learn something from the visit. DEVELOPMENT: What specific materials in your essay (physical descriptions, factual information, etc.) contribute to the dominate impression of the subject that you are profiling? The people and the setting. Use of sources: Give title and name of the person(s) you are interviewing or are in the process of interviewing. Why did you choose these people? I don’t have any yet, but I plan to interview the person in charge of “The Shelter” and also a teammate and how he felt from this whole experience. Did you interview authorieties/experts?: I will Did you use written/online sources? List here. none What was your purpose in using these electronic or print sources?. Anthony Han none 1/14/2010 Do you need more information from a follow-up visit or interview? What information do you still need about the subject? Whom should you consult to get it? Yes. I need to know why it was formed and who thought of this whole idea. I will have to consult my athletic advisor. ORGANIZATION: Explain your organizing principle. We talked about chronological and topical organization in class. How are you organizing your draft I organized it buy explaining information on “The Shelter” and then explaining my experiences at “The Shelter” and then finishing with more information on “the shelter” PRELIMINARY ASSESSMENT: What are you most pleased with in this draft? Be specific. I guess my whole purpose of explaining the essay. I want the readers to know that the homeless have gone through hardships that many of us just do not understand. List any problems you are having with this draft and write down any questions you have about the assignment or your work. I might have a problem interviewing the person in charge. Anthony Han The Shelter 1/14/2010 Many people who live the normal life have things given to them without actually being appreciative. How many times have you walked by a homeless person in the streets of Manhattan without paying any attention to him or, you do the exact opposite and you just stare at him thinking about how much you would not want to be him? I have to admit that I was one of those people who gave absolutely no sense of sympathy to them and never dropped a single penny in the cup they were holding in front of them. I would just walk right by them thinking what they could have done to get in that situation. It was not until I went to a place called “The Shelter” that I actually realized that the homeless are people too. My mind quickly did a 180 degree spin and I finally found out that these people have gone through so many hardships in which all have a life lesson that could be taken away from it. These people are normal human beings and “The Shelter” exposes their inner-self in which you realize that you should appreciate your surroundings, especially if you have the easy way out. “The Shelter” is located in Queens, New York, not too far from St. Johns University, as it is located on the corner of Union Turnpike and Parsons Boulevard. It is actually part of the St. Nick’s organization and is behind the Church. You would not be able to notice it even if you were standing right in front of it and it actually looks like a deserted Church with a mediocre sized parking lot. With this look of an abandoned, nogood parking lot, there is actually this bright light that shines for the unfortunate. “The Shelter” is where the homeless have a place to stay, which is provided with enough beds for the people, mostly males. It is also equipped with a refrigerator, sink, bathroom, and Anthony Han 1/14/2010 a shower. The dimensions of the whole space given are probably no bigger than half of a tennis court. “The Shelter” does not look like an ideal place to stay for the average human beings, but for these homeless individuals, it is a place they can look forward to at night time. What is most special about “The Shelter” is not the beds or the ones supplying the bed sheets, food, etc, but instead, it is the people that walk into the place at around 8.00 p.m. These people would happen to be the homeless. You might look at these individuals a little bit differently, but you would be surprised on how much they are just like the person you walk next to on a daily basis. They are normal people just like you but without a home. Right when they enter the room, their faces light up and a big smile is the only thing you will see on every single one of them. They all walk by and shake your hand, greeting you like you were one of their own. Their bright light immediately shines on everyone else in the room. Their vibe is contagious. It truly is something special. The people that usually provide the food are the young, student athletes from St. Johns. As an athlete on the Men’s Soccer Team, a couple of us would make trips to “The Shelter” and help out with the people who are in charge of this organization. Unfortunately the only trip I was able to make to “The Shelter” was the week after Thanksgiving. I really did not know how to react when I was going over there. The closest thing I have been to a homeless shelter was a Nursing home down in Virginia. So all this was going to be new to me. The athletes would usually make dinner for them which usually consists anything from pasta to meatloaf, and maybe some Tiara Misu if they get lucky. When I did meet these people for the first time, I immediately became Anthony Han 1/14/2010 comfortable with the first time I shook their hand. After the greetings, they got settled, and food was directly served to them by the players as they were very appreciative of that. As dinner was served, you really could not tell that these people had no home. All that you could see was a group of elderly men talking, laughing, and showing no sign of hardships they have been through. After dinner is served, some of the athletes will wash the dishes and utensils as the others will provide desert. Some will skip the desert as they will go to bed after a long day of work. Some will gratefully take the desert and talk to you about their past experiences. At my short tenure there, one old man around in his seventies could not find himself not talking. He was talking about random things, but when all the other homeless men went to bed, he then gathered us athletes and told a story that really was something worth remembering. It must have been around 7 of the soccer players by then listening to his whole life. He explained that he watched his younger sister get shot by a cop for no reason. He went on saying that he then shot the very same cop 5 times until he breathed no more. The cop had been in the KKK but the court did not believe one word that came out of his mouth so he ended up in jail for 57 years. That pretty much ruined his life and his opportunity to find a job which resulted in him being where he is today. It is just amazing the courage he actually showed and telling his whole life story in about a two hour span. It made us realize that not only had that old man gone through hardships, but everyone else in “The Shelter” has had similar stories of hardships that a lot of us do not understand. After we had left, I realized that these people are no different from us. “The Shelter” is really somewhere where anyone of us that have things given to us can learn from the experiences these men have gone through. It is a place where these Anthony Han 1/14/2010 homeless people could have an opportunity to find joy and get their mind off the negativity that revolves around them. So the next time you see a homeless person wrapped in their blankets and sleeping on the streets, don’t be in disgust and ignore him. At least take the time to think about what he went through and the hardships he has experienced even if that means leaving some loose change next to him. Just don’t forget the fact that he is a normal individual just like you but without the necessities that fortunately, you are given. If you still see these people as another piece of garbage on the streets, maybe you should pay a visit to “The Shelter” because you will learn something that will stick with you for a lifetime. Instructor: Student: Dr. Robert Leston TEACHER'S FEEDBACK TO DISCOVERY DRAFT OF PROFILING Instructions: This form must be submitted in your Process Folder on top of the progress report and discovery draft for Essay 2. _____ You have no response from me because you did not post your progress report and discovery draft on your blog. ______ You have no response from me because the link to your discovery draft on your blog was not working. _____ Your essay submission is being returned to you unread because you did not submit the progress report with the discovery draft. You understand that the rest of the class will move to the next phase of the drafting process and that you will be responsible for keeping up with the pace of the class. _____ Your essay submission has been read but you have failed to meet some of the submission requirements below. If you have a “no” next to any of the submission requirements below, you will need fulfill those requirements before turning in the “Teacher’s Draft.” If all requirements are not met by that time, then the teacher’s draft will be returned to you unread. (You may gain half credit for Daily Work points for turning in missing work)You are ready to revise the essay as instructed for matters of purpose, audience, thesis, organization, development, and language usage. __x___ Your essay submission has been read. You have fulfilled all the submission requirements below. You are ready to revise the essay as instructed for matters of purpose, audience, thesis, organization, development, and language usage. Anthony Han 1/14/2010 SUBMISSION REQUIREMENTS ____ Submission posted to student’s blog on time. ____ Invention work submitted on time (must be submitted in the process folder at the end of the term.) ____ Progress report posted. IMPORTANT NOTICE Without ____ extensive revision as suggested in the following areas, this essay will not pass the portfolio evaluation. Without _x___ significant revision as suggested in the following areas, this essay will not pass the portfolio evaluation. Without ____ some revision as suggested in the following areas, this essay will not pass the portfolio evaluation. RUBRIC PURPOSE: Using information gleaned from an interview but without referring to him/herself and to the interview itself in the essay, does the writer profile a place or activity and offer an interpretation of the subject as required by the essay genre assigned? Does the writer state a purpose on the coversheet that is appropriate to the essay genre assigned? _____________________________________x_______________________________________ Satisfactory Somewhat Satisfactory Unsatisfactory AUDIENCE: Does the writer designate an audience appropriate for the subject profiled, sufficiently narrow the audience, and adapt content and language to that audience? _____________________________________ ______________________x_________________ Satisfactory Somewhat Satisfactory Unsatisfactory THESIS: Does the writer express a clear, specific, and appropriate thesis that gives a dominant impression or interpretation of the subject being profiled? ______________________________________x______________________________________ Satisfactory Somewhat Satisfactory Unsatisfactory DEVELOPMENT: Does the writer provide plenty of concrete information (including details, examples, definitions, illustrations) to present an interesting, complete, and accurate account of the subject? Anthony Han 1/14/2010 ____________________________________________________x________________________ Satisfactory Somewhat Satisfactory Unsatisfactory ORGANIZATION: Does the writer choose an organizational pattern that logically follows from the thesis (usually topical), and does the writer provide adequate transitions among paragraphs? ___________________________________________________x_________________________ Satisfactory Somewhat Satisfactory Unsatisfactory LANGUAGE USAGE: Does the writer choose language that expresses an appropriate tone toward the subject and audience and avoid grammatical and mechanical errors that detract from the essay's message? ______________________________________x______________________________________ Satisfactory Somewhat Satisfactory Unsatisfactory MY GENERAL RESPONSE I really like what you have started here, particularly in the recognition of how important the homeless are and your retelling of the story. A couple of things that you need to work more on are playing with your organization (do you really want to start with that generic intro or do you want to start with something more dramatic that hooks your reader?), adding more detail, and talking about more aspects of the shelter. There are a lot of questions about the shelter that you haven’t addressed. Who runs it? When was it set up? What does it look like? How long has it been in operation? Who else did you talk to? What is their mission? Who are the workers? A profile gives a dominant impression of the place. Your essay is only giving us a snapshot. What I would really like to see is the writing come alive more. I think that you’ve got a really good sketch and outline for the draft, but I also see it as being very fluid, that as you keep working on it different sections will get moved to different areas. I think you can make the writing come more alive by describing the scenes more and if you add some dialogue from others, describing them more. Overall, I think that what you’ve begun looks very promising. Keep on building the profile by adding more interesting details, and don’t shy away from giving lots of good description just like you did in the first essay. Remember that you want your writing to come alive for the reader and than you want him or her to enjoy reading this piece. This means offering descriptions that paint the scene so that we can see it and hear it. Keep Anthony Han 1/14/2010 asking yourself, if I were someone else reading this paper, what would I want to find in it so that it would not only be informative but also enjoyable. You’re already doing a lot of this, so you’re definitely on the right track. It really is coming along well. Keep it up!
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