Meredith O'Brien's Dysfunctional Family Bingo Card, 2008
B I N G O
Your kid accidentally
Your sister brings her
breaks the heirloom
family's large dog to You forgot to bring an
Waterford crystal candy It's Thanksgiving morning.
Thanksgiving. Someone extra outfit for your toddler
dish that was left out on the And you just realized you
at the gathering is whose diaper has just
At least one relative drinks coffee table next to the lit forgot to defrost the turkey.
allergic to dogs and exploded. You listen to a
too much and goads tapered candles, even You get to spend the whole
1 another relative into a
insists she needs to
spend the day on the
half-hour of tongue-
clucking from better
though you had earlier tried day listening to everyone tell
political argument. to convince the hostess you what Rachael Ray
back porch, while your 4- prepared parents who had
that, with small children would do and wishing you
year-old pulls the dog's to loan you a too-big
around, these things would had more wine in the house.
tail and gets bitten on the jumper for your toddler.
be better off out of the kids'
You loathe green bean
At least two people at your Maxi pads, whose box you
Your spouse camps out all casserole. Yet, for some
Some older children at Thanksgiving dinner have had had tucked away in a
day in front of the TV reason, one of your aunts
the gathering taught your hacking coughs and bathroom cabinet, were
watching football while has decided it's your
impressionable young obviously runny noses, yet taken out by a young
you're stuck in the 1950s, favorite holiday dish. She
2 doing dishes and
child how to spit, the
glory of purple nurples
they still ask you --
repeatedly -- if they can
announced to the gathering
nephew who decided to
remove the paper strips on
scheming of ways to make that she made it just for you
and new vocabulary hold your baby. When you the back and stick them all
his life a living hell when and anxiously watches to
words, like the "F" word. say, "No," you're criticized over the bathroom wall in a
you get home. gauge your reaction as you
for being overprotective. random pattern.
taste it and try not to gag.
While watching the turkey
as it's lowered into a A relative hovers over
turkey fryer in the back you in the kitchen while Your children want nothing
yard, a male relative you're cooking, asking to do with Thanksgiving
It gets heated when several
becomes obsessed with you why you're doing dinner. They gorge on
members of the family
deep-frying something "that" every 30 seconds crackers, Chex Mix and ice
3 else, like a whole potato, and telling you how she FREE SPOT cream while repeatedly
cannot agree on the best,
fastest route to take from
and, in his haste to plop used to cook, "Back sidling up to you and
this location to the mall.
potatoes into the pot of when women cooked and whining that the food here
boiling oil, some of it actually knew what they "is yucky."
splashes out and starts a were doing."
A relative gets food Parents allow their young
Your mother suggests that During what was supposed
poisoning from the tuna their kids to run all over Your uncle has changed
you join her in starting a to be a "fun" game of touch
casserole your great aunt your house with food in the channel on the TV in
diet in the new year, football, one adult slams his
made. People jockey for their hands -- dropping the family room to HBO
noting that your pants are 10-year-old nephew to the
4 the chance to flee the
premises and spend time
crumbs everywhere and
stomping them into the
getting "a bit snug" and
which is showing the
"Godfather" trilogy. In full
ground in order to score a
asking you if you've ever touchdown. When the kid
in the Emergency Room rugs -- while leaving view of the grade schoolers
heard the term "muffin objects, he tells him that
so they don't have to have sticky fingerprints on the in attendance.
top." today's kids are "soft."
her tapioca pudding. walls.
You didn't realize that, Utterly defeated, you wind
Your spouse spends
despite the long sweater up ordering take-out for At least one person
A male relative drags you approximately 3/4 of the
you're wearing, when you your guests after your oven demands to know where the
outside and points out time checking the
lean over in those pants stopped working. You and canned cranberry sauce is,
everything that's wrong BlackBerry and making
everyone can see your your spouse then got into a even though you've made
5 with your house, from the calls while you're stuck
roof and gutters, to the listening to stories about
underwear. This is pointed colorful argument in front homemade cranberry
out to you by your mother- everyone over why you sauce. He also wants to
window screens and your uncle's latest
in-law who shouts, "We didn't just buy a new stove know where the plate of
chimney. medical exam and the
can all see your thong last week when it was first pickles is.
antics of your aunt's cats.
underwear ya know!" acting up.
Image credit: Meredith O'Brien/Picket Fence Post, 11/24/08.