Meredith O'Brien's Dysfunctional Family Bingo Card, 2008 by broverya75


									Meredith O'Brien's Dysfunctional Family Bingo Card, 2008
                     B                             I                            N                               G                                O
                                                                                                        Your kid accidentally
                                         Your sister brings her
                                                                                                        breaks the heirloom
                                          family's large dog to     You forgot to bring an
                                                                                                      Waterford crystal candy          It's Thanksgiving morning.
                                        Thanksgiving. Someone extra outfit for your toddler
                                                                                                    dish that was left out on the       And you just realized you
                                            at the gathering is     whose diaper has just
          At least one relative drinks                                                               coffee table next to the lit     forgot to defrost the turkey.
                                           allergic to dogs and    exploded. You listen to a
              too much and goads                                                                       tapered candles, even         You get to spend the whole
   1        another relative into a
                                           insists she needs to
                                         spend the day on the
                                                                      half-hour of tongue-
                                                                      clucking from better
                                                                                                    though you had earlier tried     day listening to everyone tell
               political argument.                                                                    to convince the hostess             you what Rachael Ray
                                       back porch, while your 4- prepared parents who had
                                                                                                      that, with small children        would do and wishing you
                                        year-old pulls the dog's     to loan you a too-big
                                                                                                    around, these things would       had more wine in the house.
                                       tail and gets bitten on the jumper for your toddler.
                                                                                                    be better off out of the kids'

                                                                                                       You loathe green bean
                                                                     At least two people at your                                     Maxi pads, whose box you
          Your spouse camps out all                                                                   casserole. Yet, for some
                                        Some older children at       Thanksgiving dinner have                                         had had tucked away in a
             day in front of the TV                                                                  reason, one of your aunts
                                       the gathering taught your         hacking coughs and                                            bathroom cabinet, were
            watching football while                                                                     has decided it's your
                                         impressionable young        obviously runny noses, yet                                         taken out by a young
          you're stuck in the 1950s,                                                                 favorite holiday dish. She
   2           doing dishes and
                                          child how to spit, the
                                         glory of purple nurples
                                                                          they still ask you --
                                                                       repeatedly -- if they can
                                                                                                    announced to the gathering
                                                                                                                                       nephew who decided to
                                                                                                                                     remove the paper strips on
          scheming of ways to make                                                                  that she made it just for you
                                          and new vocabulary         hold your baby. When you                                        the back and stick them all
           his life a living hell when                                                                and anxiously watches to
                                        words, like the "F" word.    say, "No," you're criticized                                    over the bathroom wall in a
                  you get home.                                                                     gauge your reaction as you
                                                                      for being overprotective.                                            random pattern.
                                                                                                     taste it and try not to gag.

           While watching the turkey
              as it's lowered into a   A relative hovers over
            turkey fryer in the back  you in the kitchen while                                      Your children want nothing
              yard, a male relative    you're cooking, asking                                         to do with Thanksgiving
                                                                                                                                It gets heated when several
           becomes obsessed with        you why you're doing                                           dinner. They gorge on
                                                                                                                                    members of the family
             deep-frying something    "that" every 30 seconds                                       crackers, Chex Mix and ice
   3       else, like a whole potato, and telling you how she            FREE SPOT                    cream while repeatedly
                                                                                                                                  cannot agree on the best,
                                                                                                                                  fastest route to take from
            and, in his haste to plop    used to cook, "Back                                            sidling up to you and
                                                                                                                                   this location to the mall.
            potatoes into the pot of when women cooked and                                           whining that the food here
              boiling oil, some of it actually knew what they                                                 "is yucky."
           splashes out and starts a        were doing."
                     small fire.

              A relative gets food     Parents allow their young
                                                                     Your mother suggests that                                        During what was supposed
            poisoning from the tuna     their kids to run all over                                 Your uncle has changed
                                                                      you join her in starting a                                      to be a "fun" game of touch
          casserole your great aunt     your house with food in                                    the channel on the TV in
                                                                        diet in the new year,                                        football, one adult slams his
           made. People jockey for       their hands -- dropping                                    the family room to HBO
                                                                     noting that your pants are                                        10-year-old nephew to the
   4         the chance to flee the
          premises and spend time
                                       crumbs everywhere and
                                        stomping them into the
                                                                       getting "a bit snug" and
                                                                                                      which is showing the
                                                                                                  "Godfather" trilogy. In full
                                                                                                                                       ground in order to score a
                                                                      asking you if you've ever                                        touchdown. When the kid
           in the Emergency Room           rugs -- while leaving                                 view of the grade schoolers
                                                                       heard the term "muffin                                           objects, he tells him that
          so they don't have to have   sticky fingerprints on the                                        in attendance.
                                                                                 top."                                                   today's kids are "soft."
              her tapioca pudding.                 walls.

                                                                        You didn't realize that,     Utterly defeated, you wind
                                        Your spouse spends
                                                                      despite the long sweater         up ordering take-out for     At least one person
           A male relative drags you approximately 3/4 of the
                                                                     you're wearing, when you       your guests after your oven demands to know where the
            outside and points out        time checking the
                                                                      lean over in those pants       stopped working. You and canned cranberry sauce is,
            everything that's wrong   BlackBerry and making
                                                                        everyone can see your       your spouse then got into a even though you've made
   5       with your house, from the calls while you're stuck
            roof and gutters, to the listening to stories about
                                                                     underwear. This is pointed       colorful argument in front   homemade cranberry
                                                                     out to you by your mother-        everyone over why you      sauce. He also wants to
             window screens and          your uncle's latest
                                                                       in-law who shouts, "We       didn't just buy a new stove   know where the plate of
                   chimney.            medical exam and the
                                                                        can all see your thong       last week when it was first         pickles is.
                                     antics of your aunt's cats.
                                                                         underwear ya know!"                  acting up.
Image credit: Meredith O'Brien/Picket Fence Post, 11/24/08.

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