Please feel free to circulate but please leave the footer intact. Thanks
The text below is taken from material put out by a coaching company. The aim is not to be seen as a “smart alec” but to show how excess words can spoil the intentions and readability of a piece. ‘Name of business’ is a company run by enthusiasts for enthusiasts. We try to make the company as personable as possible because we share the same love for sport which you do! Our aim is to gives as much help and advice to enthusiasts as possible. We have all been through the same learning curve and with over 50 years experience in subject we can now help others on their journey to success. Whether this success be by completing your first subject without stopping or standing on the podium at an International event! We think that your commitment to training and our extensive knowledge is a winning combination and we hope that in the near future you will be excelling above all expectations! We want to help you reach your goals and we want to be as happy for you as you are with yourself! ---------------------From first timers to experienced enthusiasts we aim to get all of our athletes achieving their goals whether this is by completing a triathlon without stopping or representing Great Britain in an International Event. We have developed 3 different types of Training Plan and you can choose which plan will suit you best. The 3 plans available vary from a generic programme which can be adapted to suit your needs, a programme which is custom made specifically for you and a programme which gives you access to speak to your coach on a regular basis. The generic plans are aimed at preparing you for an Olympic or sprint based race, such as the London Triathlon. It accommodates none or minimal previous swim, bike and run fitness. The training programs available have been developed over the last four years to ensure that our athletes make the most out of their training and racing. All of our plans are designed so that you are in peak condition for the race season and a new programme will be sent to you every 4 weeks. We aim to build you training steadily from when you start the program until you are ready to compete and excel above your expectations.
Comment [We Say1]: Same (long) word in a sentence make it hard to read.
Comment [We Say2]: How does the writer know this? Comment [We Say3]: What is a “be by”?
Comment [We Say4]: Sente nce too long
Comment [We Say5]: Why does every paragraph end in!
Comment [We Say6]: Long multiclause sentence Comment [We Say7]: Not sure why the capital letters Comment [We Say8]: Again, double/repeated word in a sentence. Comment [We Say9]: Sente nce needs breaking up from being 4 lines long…
Comment [We Say10]: “To ensure” can be replaced with “so that” in the vast majority of cases. Comment [We Say11]: Make the most what? Money? Comment [We Say12]: Repl ace this with “is sent” reduces 5 words to 2 Comment [We Say13]: This is a really “clunky” phrase & needs rewriting.
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