The Little Rascals Script- Opening Scene to Boat Scene
Scene 1: Meeting/Characters: Spanky, Stymie, Porky, Uh-huh, Buckwheat
(Uh-huh and Stymie shows the sign to get inside)
Froggy: Okay you can go.
(Buckwheat shows the sign to get inside)
Froggy; Welcome to the club.
(Porky walks up to the club, picking his nose)
Froggy: Hey, that’s not the sign. (Porky shows the sign)
Froggy: Okay, go on in.
(Froggy closes the door and everyone is seated)
Spanky: Welcome, gentlemen, to another meeting of the He-man Women
haters club! Ready to take down notes, Uh-huh?
Spanky: It is time to say the pledge. Everyone please rise.
(Stymie comes to the front of the room and begins the pledge)
Stymie: Everyone raise your right hand . . (rolls eyes and sighs) No, your
other right hand. . . I, Stymie (all repeat)…Member in good standing of the
He-man Woman Haters Club (all repeat)…do solemnly swear to be a he-
man and hate women and not play with them or talk to them unless I have
to. And especially: never fall in love. And if I do, may I die slowly and
painfully and suffer for hours or until I scream bloody murder. (all try to
Spanky: Thank you Stymie. Now I have called this emergency meeting on
behalf of the upcoming go-cart race. But first, does anyone have any good
women-hating stories from this past week?
Froggy: I have one! Yesterday, the girl who lives next door to me asked if
I could out and play!
Stymie: What did you do, Frogman?
Froggy: I showed her my lizard and she ran away screaming! (Shows
Spanky: Well done, Froggy! And now it’s time once again to choose the
driver of The Blur, our winning go-cart, 0for the annual go-cart race!
Stymie, your hat please.
(Stymie gives Spanky the hat. Spanky draws a piece of paper from the hat.)
Spanky: And our driver this year is my bestest pal in the whole wide
world, the one, the only, ALFALFA!! (Applause)
Porky: Say, where the heck is he anyway?
Spanky: I dunno, but we had better go search for him.
Scene change-Boat scene/Characters: Darla, Alfalfa, Spanky, Stymie,
Porky, Buckwheat, Uh-huh
Alfalfa: (Singing) You are so beautiful, to me…(etc.)
Darla: Oh Alfalfa! You sure know how to make a girl feel special.
Alfalfa: Darla, you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.
(The boys spot Alfalfa)
Stymie: Look, there he is!
Porky: What’s he doing?
Spanky: I can’t hear what they’re saying, let’s listen in on them!
(They lower down a soup can on a piece of string)
Darla: There is going to be a talent show at the upcoming fair, and I was
thinking that maybe we could sing together.
Alfalfa: Oh, that would be wonderful. I love you Darla.
Spanky: Oh no, Yuck.
Darla: Then why are you a part of that silly women-hating club? After all,
I am a woman, almost.
Alfalfa: Aw, I’m not like those other guys. I am in touch with my feminine
Froggy: It’s worse than we thought!
Alfalfa: This is such lovely weather we’re having, perhaps on Sunday we
could go on a picnic?
Darla: Oh yes, that would be delightful. And to prove your loyalty to me,
we could have it in your clubhouse.
Alfalfa: Uhh… Sunday…Swimming day… That should work out just fine,
all of the other boys will be at the swimming hole that day. It’s a date!
Spanky: That little traitor is going to invite a girl into our clubhouse!
We’ve got to do everything possible to ruin that picnic!
Alfalfa is on his way to Darla’s house.
Alfalfa: Today is going to be a perfect day. The guys are at the swimming
hole and I am home with a toothache. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Wiom: Hey, look at that twirp.
Alfalfa: And then the clouds opened up and God said, “ I hate you Alfalfa”.
Butch: When was the last time we beat you up??
Alfalfa: Well, Today is Tuesday and there are four weeks in a month. It is
not a leap year . . .umm. . . Yesterday.
Wiom: You’re due!
Butch: Any last words?
Alfalfa: Uh . . . See ya!
Alfalfa runs away.
Picnic scene- in front of Darla’s house
Alfalfa- Here Darla these are for you.
(Darla’s friends giggle Alfalfa gives her flowers)
Darla -Why thank you Alfalfa.
(dogs start barking)
Driver- Phee Phee
Waldo- I’m sorry I hope Phee Phee didn’t startle you.
Well pardon me miss but you are a rare rose in the garden of Eve.
Darla- Oh how nice!!!!
Waldo- Excuse me my name in Waldo Alucicious Johnston the III.
Darla- I’m Darla.
Alfalfa- And I’m Alfalfa, Darla’s boyfriend.
Waldo- How delightful. My father just bought the oil refinery here in town.
Darla- That explains why your so refined.
Alfalfa- Yeah and so oily
Waldo- Watch it bud.
Darla- We’ll be singing the talent show coming up!
Alfalfa- Yeah the two of us together.
Waldo- Well good for you.
(In a snotty way)
Alfalfa- Ya good for us.
Waldo- Well I bid you adieu
Alfalfa- Lets go the the clubhouse for our picnic Darla.
Darla- Candle lit lunch! How delightful!
(Spanky puts a whoopee cushion under Alfalfa)
Alfalfa- Anything for you my darling Darla.
-(sits on whoopee cushion) excuse me!
(Other club member giggle)
Alfalfa- How ‘bout we start out with something to drink.
-(drinks and makes squinty face and spits out, both Darla and Alfalfa.)
Darla- Tastes like an ol’ boot.
Froggy- That wasn’t a boot it was from my sneakers!
Alfalfa- How ‘bout we move onto the sandwiches?
Alfalfa- Lets switch! What’s mine is your’s and what’s yours is ours.
Darla: You know how to take a girl’s breath away!
Porky: This will take her breath away.
Alfalfa- This sure is a delicious sandwich that you made.
Darla- It sure is crunchy.
Stymie- Porky, you sure know how to make a SAND-WICH!
Porky- That wasn’t sand, that was kitty litter!
Buckwheat- Don’t worry, its pretty fresh
Alfalfa- Lets move onto dessert shall we.
Darla- (bites and spits it out in her hand and sees a ring) Oh Alfalfa I love
Alfalfa- Do you like it? It took me a whole 6 cracker jacks boxes to find it.
Darla- You sure know how to make a girl feel special!
-(Spanky starts banging on the club house door.)
(Alfalfa freaks out and shuts picnic table with candle still lit) Alfalfa -
I forgot to give you the grand tour!
Alfalfa- Here are the trophys……(points to closet) this is the closet….and
Darla- Are you ashamed of me?!?!
Alfalfa- I’m not ashamed of you I just don’t want anybody to see you!
Darla- So you are ashamed of me? Fine, I’m outta here!
(Alfalfa goes out clubhouse door)
Alfalfa- Heya guys!
Spanky- Hows the toothache bub?!
Alfalfa- The doc had to pull my wisdom teeth.
Spanky- That explains why you are acting so stupid.
(Darla makes a get away with the racecar as Alfalfa opens the door)
Stymie- What was that?!
Spanky- What is that awful smell?
(all start yelling fire fire fire!)
Stymie- (to Buckwheat and Porky) Quick, you two, call 911!!!
(all continue running around without accomplishing anything)
Buckwheat and Porky arrive at phone booth-
Buckwheat- Quick whats the number to 9-1-1!
Porky- How should I know!
Buckwheat- Oh well!
(Buckwheat and Porky return to clubhouse)
Spanky- Everybody outta the way!!! (carrying big fire hose!)
(spraying club house trying to put out fire and finally fire it put out)
Spanky- Its all your fault! You burnt down the clubhouse.
- Alfalfa faints
Darla- I don’t ever want to see you again alfalfa!
Darla- Excuse me (thows plastic ring on the ground at alfalfa!)
Waldo- I was wondering if you would like to join me for lunch and then,
perhaps, over a Belgian croissant, we can discuss singing in the talent show
Darla- That sounds great, I’ve had a hard day.
Inside the burnt clubhouse
Spanky: Order in the court! Alfalfa you have been accused of breaking
every rule of the He-man Woman haters club, and worst of all having a girl
in the clubhouse
Spanky: How do you plead?
Alfalfa: Like this, please please, please have mercy on me, please!
Buckwheat: Hmm, pretty good pleading
Spanky : I find you guilty and you are sentenced to execution, at dawn.
Stymie: The defense asks the court to reduce the sentence to probation.
Alfalfa must watch the go-kart day and night, and must never talk to, write
to, or even think about Darla.
Spanky: Fine, And I will make sure of that personally.
*Later, at the clubhouse *
Alfalfa: ahh!! Why is everyone here?
Spanky: I wouldn’t leave one of my best buds alone.
Alfalfa: Why am I all wet?
Porky: Don’t worry Alfalfa, I used to have the same problem
Spanky: There is just a leak in the tent. (sprays Alfalfa)
Spanky: Are you thinking about Darla?
Alfalfa: No, I wonder if she’s not thinking about me too?
Maryanne: Are you thinking about Alfalfa?
Darla: Oh, no no no, no way. I’ve forgotten all about him.
Buckwheat: Why do girls have to be so…
Darla: Yeah they play with…
Porky: Dolls and makeup
Maryanne: Boogers and bugs.
Uh huh: uh huh
Darla: Boys never listen.
Froggy: All they wanna do is talk.
Jane: And they moon you
Buckwheat: No we don’t
All boys: and they smell…
All girls: Weird
All boys and girls: Eeewww! *Laughing *
Alfalfa is watching the go-kart *
Technical note – Alfalfa’s note is projected onto a screen.
Alfalfa: (Writing a letter) My Dearest Darla, I miss you soooo much. . . . .
(Looks up startled when Buckwheat and Porky arrive)
Buckwheat: Hey Alfalfa, what are you doin?
Alfalfa: Oh, nothing.
Porky: Are you thinking of Darla?
Alfalfa: No of course not…..hey I have an idea! I will write her a letter and
you two can take it to her!
Buckwheat: Spanky said no speaking to Darla
Alfalfa: I know, but Its not a love letter, it’s a, umm, hate letter
Buckwheat and Porky: sounds good to me.
Alfalfa: Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts, you make me vomit, you are
the scum between my toes, Love Alfalfa. (Projection of the letter is revealed
Porky: We’ll go give this to her.
*Porky and buckwheat walk down to Darla’s house *
Darla: what do you guys want?
Buckwheat: We have a letter from Alfalfa. Where is it?
Porky: I don’t know
*Porky blows his nose with the message *
Buckwheat: I remember I gave it to you
Porky: uh oh
Darla: Well, what’s the message?
Buckwheat: That’s Otay I remember what it said. Dear Darla, I hate your
stinking guts, you make me vomit, you are the scum between my toes, love
*Darla gasps *
*Back to Alfalfa *
Alfalfa: Well was she upset?
Porky and buckwheat: uh-huh
Alfalfa: Well, what did she say?
Buckwheat: She says she never wants to see you again.
Alfalfa: Aww man, darn it! I have to explain what happened!
Porky: But Spanky said you can’t talk to her
Alfalfa: Spanky’s not the boss of me, I can see Darla whenever I want!
Spanky: Heya pal!
Porky and Buckwheat are watching the go-kart*
Wiom: There’s no way we can win with these guys driving that thing!
Butch: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Wiom: Yeah! Lets go get that go-kart!
(send out racecar with dollar)
Buckwheat: Hey, look a dollar.
Porky: Get the dollar!
Wiom: Candy from a baby.
Butch: What’s this?
* Butch pulls out the key and pickles come flying at them*
Butch: Ugh, pickles
Buckwheat: We got a dollar, we got a dollar! We got a dollar hey hey hey
hey! Hey, look pickles.
Porky: I don’t like pickles.
Buckwheat: I’ll give you a nickel for a pickle
Buckwheat: How ‘bout two cents?
Buckwheat: I’ve got two pickles.
Alfalfa: I will not speak to Darla, I will not speak to Darla. Darn I am out
(Petey brings a piece of paper)
Alfalfa: Hey, Thanks Petey!
The list is shown on the projector.
Alfalfa: That no good, double-crossing, slimeball, Spankey. It is his fault
my picnic with Darla was ruined.
Alfalfa leaves for the talent show with the go-kart*
Spanky: Help us, we need money. We need money for a new clubhouse.
Come see the four-foot man-eating chicken, come on.
Stymie: Come on. Give us your money! (Pause) Please?
Spanky: This just isn’t working.
Porky and buckwheat are collecting money for the free talent show*
Spanky: what are you doing?
Buckwheat: I don’t know we just picked up these signs and people started
handing us money.
Spanky: I better take over for you
Teacher: Spanky! I would expect this from a 4-year old, but not you.
We can’t refund all these peoples money!
Spanky: I have an idea! *Whispers*
Teacher: Oh, oooh that’s a good idea.
Darla and Waldo are finishing up their talent show presentation*
Alfalfa: La la la la la. La la la la
Waldo: What are you doing, Falafel is it?
Waldo looks over at Alfalfa and puts soap in his water while he is looking
the other way.
Alfalfa: It’s Alfalfa.
Waldo: Whatever, Oregano.
Alfalfa: It’s Alfalfa and I’m warming up my vocalizer.
Waldo: Well you’re still gonna lose, Darla and me are the perfect duet.
Alfalfa: We’ll see about that. Darla loves my voice. I am going to win her
back through song.
*takes sip of soapy water *
After Alfalfa sings*
Darla: Oh I hate you Alfalfa.
Spanky: Say, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be watching
Alfalfa: Don’t worry about it, I left right… here. Where is it?
Spanky: good job Alfalfa, you lost The Blur
Alfalfa: none of this would’ve happened if you didn’t make me lose Darla,
you backstabbing best friend
Spanky: oh yeah you sissified tweety bird!
Alfalfa: You stinky slimy dirtball!
Spanky: You Woman loving He-man hater!
Alfalfa: I’m Quitting that stupid woman-hating club!
*Spanky and Alfalfa both walk off *
The Little Rascals race
The Scene: Spanky and Alfalfa are fighting and Stimey is trying to get to
get them to talk to each other….
Stimey: Come on Spanky he’s your best friend.
Spanky: (crosses his arms and grunts (humph)) (starts to think…)
Stimey: At least go and talk to him…. (Walks away hanging his
Alfalfa: he’s your best friend, go talk to him…
Alfalfa: (crosses his arms and grunts (humph)) (starts to think…)
Spanky: (goes to find Alfalpha)
Alfalfa: (goes to find Spanky)
Spanky: Hi is Alfalpha here?
Alfalfa: Hi is Spanky here?
Person at door: No. I’m sorry Spanky, he’s not here right now.
Person at door 2: No. I’m sorry Alfalfa; he’s not here right now.
Both in unison: I thought I might find you here.
Spanky: I’m sorry I called you a sissified tweedy bird
Alfalfa: I’m sorry I called you a back stabbing best friend.
Spanky: I’m sorry I called you a women loving he-man hater.
Alfalfa: I’m sorry I called you a stinky slimy dirt ball… and a mustard
Spanky: You never called me a mustard huffing moron?
Alfalfa: Oh. Well I guess I was just thinking it.
Spanky: So what are we going to do? We don’t have a go cart to race with
Alfalfa: I have an idea…
The Whole Crew: (assembles at the old club house and are shown the
plans for the new go cart)
Spanky: Lets go get this stuff guys!!
The Whole Crew: (walking down the street talking excitedly. They split up
and start looking.)
Stimey and Uh-huh find a trash can
Stimey: Does it stink in there, Uh-huh?
Spanky: Ok we have everything we need guys lets build this go cart.
The Whole Crew: (building the go cart)
Buckwheat and Porky- We are going to the race. We are going to win
At the race
Alfalfa: Hey!!! You’re late!!
Waldo: I’m making an entrance.
Announcer: Why how nice of you to join us Mr. Johnston.
Spanky: What are you doing?????????????????????????
Alfalfa: All knights carry a token of their lady fair.
Announcer: Gentlemen start your engines… on your mark… get set…
Wiom and Butch: Eat our dust!!!!
Alfalfa: Not today!!!
Spankey: Hey that looks a lot like our old go-kart
Butch: Prove it.
(Waldo throws something at Spanky and Alfalfa.)
Darla: Pull over! Your cheating and I want out.
Waldo: Fine (pulls over) GET OUT!!!!! (Waldo seemingly drives away
leaving Darla behind.
(Waldo’s car gains on Spanky and Alfalfa again and cuts in front of Butch
and Wiom allowing Alfalfa the lead.)
Alfalfa: Hey, why is he helping us?
AJ. Fergeson: And here they come around the last bend!!! Ohhhh its going
to be close!! Wow, I cant tell who won. Let me talk to the judges.
(Pause) Alfalfa and Spanky win it by a hair!!!!!!!! (LITTERALY
Alfalfa: We won Spanky we won!!! YES!!!!!!
AJ. Fergeson: What’s the matter darlin’?
Alfalfa: He is disappointed because he kinda hoped that . . .
Spanky: Sighs, I thought that AJ Fergeson was going to be here to give us
AJ. Fergeson: Well your in luck Spanky because that is exactly who I am!
Spanky: YOUR? YOU’RE A.J. FREGISON??? BUT YOU’RE A GIRL!!!! I
THOUGHT YOU WERE A GUY!!!! You are the best driver in the world!
AJ. Fergeson: Thank you. Yep. I’m A.J. Fregeson!!! And aren’t you cute.
(kisses Spanky on cheek)
Spanky: Hey you want to even it up with one on this side too??
AJ. Fregeson: (giggles and Kisses Spanky on the other cheek) There you
go cutie!! And not too bad of a driver yourself.
(Darla approaches with a helmet on.
Alfalfa: Hey buddy thanks for helping me back there. That was really good
Spanky: Yeah, we have a club and you are welcome to join it.
Darla: Thanks guys!
Waldo: you will be hearing from my lawyers!!
End Scene: Clubhouse/Characters: All of the boys and girls
Spanky: Have we defied our forefathers and trampled their beliefs by
allowing women in our club?
Stymie: Hey you guys! Uh-huh learned a new word!
Uh-Huh: Actually, I've always had a rather extensive vocabulary, not to
mention a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of
syntax. I simply chose not to employ them.