A Very Rude Joke Book by pharmphresh34

VIEWS: 56 PAGES: 79

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                        I m Tired

Yes I m tired. For several years I ve been blaming it on
middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution,
saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax
build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder
if life is worth living. But I ve found out it isn t that at
all .. I m tired because I m overworked. Take a look at
the facts. The population of this country is 51 million and
21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the
work. There are 19 million in school. That obviously
leaves 11 million. Of this 2 million are unemployed and 4
million are employed by the government. That leaves 5
million to do the work. One million are in the armed forces
and 3 million are employed by the county and borough
councils. This whittles down to one million to do the work.
But 938,256 people are in prison and 61,742 are in
hospital. That leaves 2 people to do all the work.
You and me.
 And if you re sitting on your backside reading this, no
bloody wonder I m so tired!


P.S. I apologise for the figures being slightly out of date
but this was circulating a couple of years ago.




                                                          2
There is a very bad car accident. The fire crew arrive on
the scene and cut the badly injured man out of his car with
blood everywhere. Then the ambulance arrives on the
scene with two paramedics in. The victim is unconscious
                                      so the medics start
                                      working on him.
                                      They      give   him
                                      oxygen and artificial
                                      respiration and they
                                      can t     detect    a
                                      heartbeat so they
                                      pump on his chest.
                                      After two or three
                                      minutes of this they
                                      still can t find any
sign of life and are just about to give up when a car
screams up and a woman gets out. She rushes over and sits
on the victims face. Within a couple of minutes he is
starting to show signs of life and recover. The paramedic
says to the woman That s remarkable. What did you do?
 That s easy she replies, He wanted some blood and I m
having a period.


A man is stopped by a copper for speeding . The policeman
instructs him to wind down his window and says Do you
know what the speed limit is here sir?
The man replies Forty isn t it?


                                                         3
The copper then says And what speed were you doing
sir?
 About 40 or so, comes the reply.
                         The copper says I recorded your
                         speed at 55mph and the speed limit
                         here is 30mph anyway. May I see
                         your driving licence please?
                          I m sorry officer I haven t got one
                         as I never took my test.
                          Can I see the vehicle registration
                         document and your insurance?
                          I have not got any insurance or
                         other documents because the car is
                         stolen. There is a gun in the glove
                         box which I used to kill the woman
                         who owned the car. Her body is in
                         the boot.
                          Stay there sir and don t move.
                         Then the copper radios for back up.
A helicopter arrives and then the armed response team
screams up and surrounds the car. An armed inspector
approaches the car and he says to the driver Have you got
any identification sir ?
 Yes certainly officer. Here is my driving licence and the
man passes over his licence.
  Do you have any other documents? Asks the inspector.
 Yes certainly officer says the man and adds        They are
in the glove box.


                                                           4
The Inspector says to him Slowly open the glove box and
take them out with two fingers. This the man does and the
Inspector looks at them and sees that they are perfectly in
order. He also looks in the empty glove box and can clearly
see that there is no gun there. Then he says Would you
open your boot pleases sir?
This the man does and there is nothing there. The Inspector
says I don t understand, my officer said there was a body
in the boot, the car was stolen and you had no documents.
 Yes came the reply, and I bet he told you I was
speeding as well.


The other day at the engineering firm where I work we
were having a meeting and discussing the merits of tooit
production. It was stated that we should expand our range.
We make square tooits and triangular tooits but not round
ones. What are tooits you might ask, but every one at
work wants them, especially round ones. There is a big
demand for tooits in all industry and commerce so I can see
our sales going through the roof when we start production.
After all haven t you often heard people at work saying
 I ll do that when I get a round tooit.


A five year old little girl is on her first school holidays and
making a nuisance of herself with her mom so her uncle
offers to take her to work with him for the week on his
building site. The builders find her a hard hat and keep her

                                                             5
busy carrying tools around the site for the whole week. The
little girl enjoys herself and at the end of the week her
uncle gives her 50p and tells her that it's her wages. The
little girl goes home and tells her mom that she has got 50p
wages so her mom says to her We had better go to the
sweet shop so that you can spend it on sweets and off they
go.
When they get to the shop the little girl tells the woman
shopkeeper about the 50p wages for helping her uncle and
the woman says Are you going to work next week as
well?
  Yes replies the sweet little 5 year old girl if the f--k-ng
bricks come!

A rude young man goes to the doctors for an injection. The
attractive young woman doctor says to him Take your
                            trousers down please. The
                            young man does and pulls
                            out his penis then says
                              Look at this its gruesome
                            isn t it?
                            The woman doctor replies
                            It is not gruesome it is just
                            functional. Now put it away
                            please.
                            The young man still holding
                            his penis says          It is
                            gruesome, look it s just
                            gruesome more.

                                                           6
An attractive young nurse examines the same young man
because of a rash on his leg. She tells him to pull down his
trousers which he does then he pulls out his penis and says
  Have you seen my magic wand?
She says I have seen lots of them. Now put it away please
there is nothing magical about it.
  Yes it is a magic wand, he says. Watch me rub it and it
will get bigger.


A rabbit and a badger go into a pub for something to eat.
They approach the bar and the barman asks what he can get
them. The badger says to the barman I ll have a cheese
and onion toasty please.
The rabbit pipes up and the same for me please.
After the badger has finished his toasty he asks the rabbit if
he wants another. The rabbit replies This time I ll have a
                                         ham toasty please.
                                         The badger says
                                          I ll have a cheese
                                         and onion again.
                                         They eat them and
                                         the badger says to
                                         the barman I ll
                                         have the same
                                         again please but
                                         the rabbit asks for
                                         a bacon toasty.

                                                            7
They leave and the rabbit is a bit wobbly on his feet.
The next day the badger goes into the bar again and the
barman asks where his mate the rabbit is. The badger
replies It s very sad but he died. I ve warned him before
about having different toasties, he says but he died of
mixed a ma toasties.        (Myxomatosis get it?)



There are two Irish men waiting in the disability office for
an interview. They are both there for hearing loss. The first
is called in to be interviewed. He goes in and sits down in
the chair.
The interviewer quietly whispers, Shut the door.
So the Irishman gets up and shuts it. There s nothing
wrong with your hearing says the interviewer. Send the
next one in.
The first Irish man leaves the room and says to his mate
outside If he tells you to shut the door, don t.
The second man goes in and sits down. Again the
interviewer whispers Shut the door.
The Irish man replies Do it your bloody self.


An Irishman is on Chris Tarrant s millionaire quiz show
and is on the last question. Chris says to Paddy If you get
this one right you win a million pounds but you can take
the £500,000 and walk away if you want.
Paddy says Lets hear the question.

                                                           8
Chris says For £1 Million which bird does not build a
nest?
Is it A) The Cuckoo.
      B) The Robin.
      C) The Starling.
Or D) The Blackbird.
Paddy says I have not got a clue. I just don t know. But
I ll phone a friend. Can I phone Murphy in Ireland?
Chris puts him through and Murphy is asked the question.
He replies The Cuckoo does not build a nest.
Paddy says Are you sure Murphy?
  Yes he replies 100% Sure.
Paddy goes with the answer and Chris says
  Congratulations. You have just won £1 million. Well
done.
The next week Paddy returns to Ireland and says to
Murphy Here is ¼ of a million for getting that question
right for me. But why were you so sure that it was the
cuckoo that does not build a nest?
  Easy replies Murphy, Everybody knows that cuckoos
live in clocks.


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured
by cannibals. They are all tied to posts awaiting their fate
when the chief comes up to them and says to them We
are going to kill you, then skin you and make canoes out of
your skins. Do you have any last requests?


                                                          9
The Englishman says Yes I would like a pint of bitter and
a roast beef dinner please.
                                The cannibals are quite
                                civilised and they prepare
                                it for him. Then they kill
                                him, skin him and make a
                                canoe.
                                The Scotsman is next and
                                he asks for a malt whiskey
                                and a haggis supper. The
cannibals get this and then kill him. When it s the
Irishman s turn he asks for a pint of Guinness and a fork.
Puzzled the cannibals get it for him and when they hand
the fork over the Irishman snatches it off them and
proceeds to violently stab himself all over with the fork. He
says You are not going to make a canoe out off me.


A lady was having a bath when the door bell rang so she
called out to her young daughter to answer it. The little girl
opened the door and said hello to the man standing there
 Who are you? she asked.
 I m the blind man came the reply.
So the little girl called out to her mother that a blind man
was there. Her mother shouted down to the little girl to
show him up, which she did. When he entered the
bathroom he said My what a lovely pair of tits, now where
do you want the blind fitting?


                                                           10
A man goes to a fancy dress party stark naked with a girl
on his back. His host says to him What are you supposed
to be? You know its fancy dress don t you?
The man replies I m a tortoise then points to the girl on
his back and says This is Michelle.


                  A young man plays a game of darts who
                  has never played before. His first dart
                  hits the double 20. He throws another
                  and hits double 20 again but the third
                  dart bounces out and hits a nun who is
                  watching the game. The dart hits her
                  smack between the eyes and kills her
                  stone dead. The marker calls out One
                  dead nun and eighty.


Murphy keeps bees and he said that
his bees made the best honey in
Ireland because they went into the
park as the first rays of the sun were
evaporating the early morning dew
off the fresh flowers which were just
opening for the first time.
His mate Paddy said That must be a
lie because the park does not open
until 9am.

                                                      11
My mate is a bus driver and he was out in his bus the other
day when he saw an old man flag him down between stops.
As he has to stop at an authorised stop he drove on a
couple of hundred yards to the nearest stop and waited for
him. He saw the little old man running hell for leather to
the bus and watched him climb aboard. My friend said,
 You must be fit. You re not even out of breath to the
                             little old man.
                               Yes the man replied and
                             I m still having sex at 74.
                             My friend murmured his
                             surprise and the old man
                             continued My wife does not
                             like it though because we
                             live at 63.


A wine gum goes to the doctors and says to the doctor I
think I have got aids doctor.
The doctor asks him why and the wine gum replies
 Because I have been sucking all sorts.


This lorry driver has several very bad experiences with
estate agents which leave him very bitter. So when he is
driving along and sees an estate agent at the side of the
road he swerves his lorry and knocks him down. He does
this several times and then one morning he is just setting
off from home when he sees the local priest walking down

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the road. He pulls over and says Where are you going?
Would you like a lift Father?
The priest replies I m going to the church about a mile
down the road, thank you I would appreciate a lift to save
my weary legs and with that he gets into the truck.
A little further down the road the lorry driver sees an estate
agent at the side of the road and shouts out there s an
estate agent and with that he swerves the truck but misses
him as he remembers that he has a priest in the lorry and
then as he goes past he hears a bang. The driver says I m
sorry father I don t know what came over me, I missed
him.
The priest replies No need to apologise my son, I opened
the door as we went past and hit him with that.


A sales rep is out on business driving through the
countryside when he breaks down. He does not know much
about cars but he lifts the bonnet up anyway and has a
fiddle about with the wires and so on. Suddenly he hears a
voice say It s your distributor.
He looks round but can t see anyone so he puts his head
under the bonnet again and again he hears a voice say, It s
your distributor. Then he sees a white horse with it s head
over a gate. So he walks down to it and the horse says, It s
your distributor.




                                                           13
                              He walks back to his car
                              scratching his head and
                              looks at the distributor and
                              he finds that is full of dirt so
                              he cleans it and the car starts
                              first time. He says to himself
                                That s incredible I need a
                              drink after that. So he
                              drives down the road a few
                              hundred yards and sees a
pub. He goes in and has a drink telling the landlord what
happened. The landlord says to the rep Was it a white
horse or a black one?
The rep replies It was a white one. Why?
Then the landlord says You were lucky. The black one
does not know anything about cars and is a terrible liar.


A burglar breaks into a house and is in a downstairs room
rummaging through the drawers when he hears a voice say
                      I am watching you and so is Jesus.
                    He looks round but can t see anyone
                    so he continues. The voice says again
                      I am watching you and so is Jesus.
                    So the burglar shines his torch round
                    the room and sees a parrot cage in the
                    corner with a parrot in it. The parrot
                    says I am watching you and so is
                    Jesus.

                                                           14
The burglar, relieved, walks over to it and says You can
talk can you?
The parrot replies I am watching you and so is Jesus.
The burglar says to the parrot What s your name then?
                          The parrot replies My name is
                          Neville and Jesus is watching
                          you.
                          The burglar says Neville is a
                          funny name for a parrot.
                            Yes replies the parrot And
                          Jesus is a funny name for a
                          Rotweiller but he is behind you
                          and he is watching you.


A block of flats is being built and is nearly finished with
the builders working high up in the scaffolding and the
lower floors are already occupied. Two of the builders are
on the scaffolding talking when one says to the other I
need a piss desperately. I m not climbing all the way down
to the portaloo.
The other says I ll stand on the end of this plank and you
can go out on it away from the building and have a piss.
There is no one down there, it will be alright.
 OK says the first one and stands on the end of the plank
having a piss when the foreman comes up. What s going
on here? He says Why aren t you working?



                                                        15
The second builder says Sorry boss coming right away
and steps off the plank letting the other builder fall to his
death.
The police come and start asking questions about the man
that fell to his death and everyone is saying What a shame
he was a family man When a woman comes out of the
flats and pipes up He was a sex maniac. He came past my
window holding his prick out shouting,
C-NT         .C-NT      .


God puts Adam and Eve on the Earth and says to them I
have made the earth in six days and then I rested on the 7th.
I have filled the seas with fish and the land with animals
but I want you to work in the Garden of Eden. You will
work hard for six days and refrain from all pleasures until
the 7th day when you can rest and enjoy yourselves.
They do as God says and then God comes down on the 7th
day while Adam is standing on the beach watching Eve
play in the sea and says to Adam Did you refrain from sex
with Eve as I said?
 Yes replies Adam, but I gave her a good seeing to this
morning like you said I could. She is in the sea washing it
off now.
God says Oh no it will make the fish smell, if I had
wanted the fish to smell like that don t you think I would
have done so?



                                                          16
A man decides that he wants to find a woman to have oral
sex with him so he looks in a telephone box and finds a
suitable calling card with a number on it. He calls it and
gets the address which turns out to be a basement flat in a
seedy part of town, but this does not put him off. He finds
it, goes down the stairs and enters the flat. There is an old
woman with a false eye sitting at a desk waiting for him.
He explains what he wants and she says That will be £5
please. Go into that room and wait for someone.
He pays the money over and goes into the room which is in
darkness. He stands there waiting when he hears someone
come in and then he feels his zip being undone and then a
hand holds him before she starts the act with him. While
the prostitute is performing on him he hears a beautiful
woman s voice singing. He wonders where it is coming
from and thinks how wonderful it is.
When it is all over he leaves but decides to go back the
next day. Events follow the same course and he hears the
singing again. This time he decides to take a torch with him
the next time so that he can see who is doing the singing.
The next day when he hears the beautiful song again he
switches on his torch and sees a woman s head bent over
him. Then he looks round the darkened room with the torch
and can t see anyone else or any loud speakers. He turns a
bit further and sees a table in the corner of the room with a
glass on it and in the glass is a glass eye           .




                                                          17
A man is in a pub having a drink and talking to the
landlord when the landlord says to him I have got a
talking dog over there.
The man says, Where is he? I must see this.
 He is over there lying by the fire, Replies the landlord.
The man walks over to the dog and says, I hear you can
talk.
                               Yes Replies the dog. Do
                             you want to hear my life story?
                              Certainly Says the man sitting
                             down in a chair by the hearth.
                             The dog starts Up until I was 6
                             months old I was a family pet
                             and then I was sent to the police
                             force to train as a police dog. I
                             caught lots of criminals and
                             helped keep order when there
                             were football riots. After a
                             couple of years I was seconded
into the drug squad where I was trained as a sniffer dog to
search out drugs at airports. I made many finds of drugs
and stayed with the squad for two years before being sent
to the bomb squad. Here I was used to search out
explosives in Northern Ireland in a fight against the
terrorists. I was caught up in small blast and was pensioned
out of the army. Then when I was recovered I worked as a
rescue dog searching out people buried in earthquakes for 3
years. Now I am fully retired and live here.


                                                           18
  That s an amazing story says the man, turning to the
landlord. Will you sell him to me?
The landlord replies You can have him for a tenner if you
like.
The man says Why only a tenner? He must be worth a
fortune with a story like that.
The landlord says That story he told is completely untrue.
Its all lies. He is a terrible liar. I don t want him.


                    A little girl gets a splinter in her finger
                    and she asks her mother for a glass of
                    cider. Her mother does not understand
                    why she wants the cider and asks her
                    to explain. The little girl says My big
                    sister says when she gets a prick in her
                    hand she likes to put it inside her.


                   When I was 18 I used to buy a six
                   pack of condoms, 2 for Friday, 2 for
                   Saturday and 2 for Sunday. When I
was 30 I used to buy a triple pack, one for Friday, one for
Saturday and one for Sunday. Now I am married I buy a
twelve pack, one for January, one for February, one for
March




                                                            19
                A man is driving down the road when he
                hits a hare killing it. He gets out of the
                car and stands there looking at it trying to
                make up his mind what to do with it
                when another car stops and a man gets
                out. He asks what has happened and is
                told about the dead hare. He says I ve
                got just the thing for it and takes a bottle
                out of his pocket. He rubs some of the
                liquid from the bottle on the hare and it
                gets up and runs away. The first man
says That s marvellous, what is it?
The second man replies It s hair restorer.



For those of you who can remember Fred West.

They have just re-opened the case on Fred West and found
out that he was innocent after all. They found a receipt for
ten tons of top soil that he bought from Lockerbie.


Have you heard about the two old ladies who were walking
through the park the other night? A flasher jumped out on
them, opened his coat and showed them all his manly
charms. The one old lady had a stroke, she was alright
though. The other old lady was a bit upset
            because she couldn t reach to have a stroke.

                                                         20
An old couple met on a village outing and both were in
their eighties. The old man said to the woman Lets go
back to your place for sex.
The old lady said I have not had sex for thirty years, do
you think it will be alright?
The old man replied Yes it will be fine I know what I m
doing.
So they went back to the house and the man said, Do you
fancy a bit of oral sex?
 What s that? said the old lady.
 I ll show you, said the man and goes down on her.
After a minute he came up and said, I can t do that any
longer, the smell is awful.
The old lady said, It s the arthritis.
The old man replied, I m sorry to hear that you have got
arthritis but I did not know it made you smell.
The old lady said I can t bend my hand to wipe my
bottom when I go to the toilet.


                                 A British pilot flies a
                                 bombing     raid    over
                                 Afghanistan, he drops
                                 his bombs and starts to
                                 head back to base over
                                 the border when he sees
                                 a man on a flying
                                 carpet. He has got loads

                                                      21
of ammunition left so he strafes it and shoots it down. He
continues flying and is nearly back to base when he sees
another flying carpet with a man sitting on it. So he shoots
it down. When he gets back to base he tells his wing
commander what he has done and he replies, You bloody
fool you, those were Allied Carpets.



A lorry driver is quietly driving along when he sees a nun
walking at the side of the road. He pulls over and asks her
if she would like a lift. She replies that she would and
                                 climbs up into the cab.
                                 They start chatting and the
                                 nun says that she has never
                                 kissed a man before. The
                                 lorry driver asks if she
                                 would like a kiss and she
                                 says yes but only if he is a
                                 Catholic, a virgin and is not
                                 married. The lorry driver
                                 says that he is all three and
                                 suggests that they climb
                                 into the back of the cab
                                 where it is more private. So
they do and have a real good snog with tongues as well.
Then afterwards when they are driving along again the
lorry driver says that he has a confession to make. He is not
a Catholic he is a Protestant, he has got three children and

                                                           22
is married. The nun replies that she has a confession to
make as well. She says, I m not a nun at all. My name is
John and I am going to a gay fancy dress party.


A man and his wife are celebrating his 40th birthday by
having sex in their bedroom. They have had a few drinks
and really giving it some with squeals, grunts, shouting and
the bed is banging against the wall. The house is a semi
and next door their neighbour can t get to sleep for the
noise. The neighbour says to his wife I ve got to be up
early tomorrow for work. I m not standing for any more of
this I m going to report them next door to the Police.
A few minutes later a Policeman arrives and knocks on his
noisy neighbours door. After a little while the offending
couple answer the door. The Policeman says, We have
had a complaint about the noise your making, will you
come quietly please sir?


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join
the Mafia. The Mafia crime lord says to them I want you
to blow up two buildings each and then report back to me
here tomorrow lunchtime.
They go back the next day and the first one in is the
Englishman. He says I blew up a multi-storey car park
and a school last night under the cover of darkness.
The Mafia boss says Good, well done. How many letters
are there in the alphabet?

                                                         23
The Englishman replies Twenty six.
The Mafia boss says, Right you are in.
The next into the room is the Scotsman. He says I blew up
a disused power station and an empty tower block last
night.
 Good says the Mafia man How many letters are there in
the alphabet?
The Scotsman replies, There are twenty six.
 Right says the gangster You are accepted.
Then the Irishman enters the room and the Mafia boss says
to him How many letters are there in the alphabet?
The Irishman replies, There are twenty one.
The Mafia crime lord says, I don t know why you think
that, there are twenty six.
The Irishman retorts No there are only twenty one now
because I have just blown up B&Q and MFI.


An old man and his son are talking over lunch one day
when the son says, Dad you will have to go into a nursing
home because my wife and I feel we just can t cope with
you and all your different medications any more. Will you
try it for a week and see how you get on?
The old man replies Alright but I am sure that I won t like
it.
So he goes into a home and the pair meet again over lunch.
The young man says to his father How are you getting on
dad?


                                                        24
His father replies, It might not be so bad after all. This
morning when I woke up I had an erection. Then the nurse
came in and she saw it. She said what a shame to waste an
erection and asked me if I would like a blowjob.
Afterwards she stripped off and jumped into bed with me.
It wasn t as if she was a dog either because she was a
pretty young blond thing.
The son says I ll see you again tonight dad.
That night he visits his father and sees that he is quite
distressed and his father wants to go home immediately so
he asks what has happened to upset him.
               The old man says I had just had my
               afternoon tea when I needed to pay a visit to
               the loo. So I walked along the corridor,
               stumbled and fell on my hands and knees.
               Before I could get up a gay male nurse came
               up behind me and said what a tempting sight
               Mr Smith. Before I knew what was happening
               he had pulled my trousers down and jumped
               me from behind.
His son replies Surely you can put up with that
occasionally dad if you enjoy yourself with the female
nurses?
The old man says I have an erection once a blue moon but
I fall over a dozen times a day sometimes!




                                                         25
There were three potato princesses who were called before
their father the King. He said to them Well daughters you
are all grown up now and its time you all found someone to
marry. Come back and see me when you find yourselves a
husband.
The days pass and then the first daughter goes back to see
her father. Father she says, I have found the man I want
to marry. Its King Edward.
Her father says, Well done daughter, I approve of the
marriage as he is royalty.
A few days later the second daughter goes before her father
and says Father I have found the man I want to be my
husband. He is one of the Jersey Royal s.
 An excellent choice my dear, Royalty again, I approve.
Later that week the third potato princess goes before her
father and says Father I have found the man I want to
marry. Its Des Lineam.
 No daughter I will not allow it because he is a common
tater.



When you are three years old success is not wetting your
pants.
When you are seventeen years old success is passing your
driving test first time.
When you are twenty-one success is having sex with a
beautiful girl.
When you are fifty success is measured by your wealth.

                                                        26
When you are sixty success is still being able to have sex
with a beautiful woman.
When you are seventy success is being able to keep your
driving licence.
When you are eighty success is being able to get to the
toilet quick enough so that you don t wet your pants.


                          There is a magician on board a
                          cruise liner with a talking parrot.
                          Whenever         the      magician
                          performs a vanishing trick to the
                          audience the parrot always gives
                          the game away by saying It s
                          up his sleeve or Its in his
                          pocket.
One day the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. The magician
survives and hangs on to a piece of flotsam with his parrot
perched on another piece looking at him. The parrot keeps
looking at him with one eye sideways until the magician
says to it What s the matter with you?
The parrot replies Alright I give up, where is it? Where
have you hidden the ship?


An 8 years old boy comes home from school looking
puzzled and his dad asks him what is the matter. The little
boy replies Dad some of the boys were talking at school
today about pussies and cunts. What is the difference?

                                                          27
  Well son you had better come with me and with that he
leads the boy upstairs to his mothers bedroom where she is
sleeping. Then the boy s father pulls the sheet back and
lifts up her nightdress and says, You see that furry bit?
That is a pussy.
The little boy says, Can I stroke it?
  No His father replies, You will wake the c-nt up.


                                   An Irishman goes to
                                   the doctors and says
                                    Doctor I can t cope
                                   with my wife s sexual
                                   demands. What can I
                                   do?
                                   The doctor replies
                                    Run 5 miles every
                                   day and then after a
                                   week phone me and
                                   tell me how you are
getting on."
Seven days goes by and the man phones the doctor. How
are things with your wife? asks the doctor.
The man replies I don t know, I have not seen her replies
the man I m staying in a B&B 35 miles from home.


A young man is eating a meal in a pub when an old couple
come in and order one meal. They ask for another plate and

                                                       28
knife and fork. When the meal comes the old man divides
the meal between himself and his wife. The young man
goes over to them and says, I don t wish to seem rude but
I could not help noticing that you only bought one meal
between you. Would you like me to buy you another one so
that you can have one each?
The old man replies It s alright son, we believe a marriage
should be built on equality and sharing. So ever since we
got married we have shared everything, every penny we
have had and every meal.
The young man goes back and sits down, then he sees that
the old woman is not eating so he asks her Aren t you
hungry, perhaps I can get you something else?
 No she replies, this is fine I can t eat yet because it s his
turn to have the teeth.


A black man and a white man are talking together in a pub
when they both decide to go for a piss so they carry on
talking and go together. The white man says Is it true that
black men have long dicks?
The black man replies Yes it is and flops it out.
The white man says, Cor that is long, how can I get mine
to be like that?
 I ll tell you, says the black man Tie a string round it and
hang a bag of cement on the string. Then we ll meet back
at the pub in a week to see how you are getting on.
 I ll do that, says the white man.


                                                           29
A week later they meet and the black man says, Have you
had any success?
  Well sort of says the white man My dick has gone black
like yours.


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are walking
along the beach one day when they see a mermaid sitting
on the sand. The Englishman says to her Have you ever
been kissed by a man?
 No she replies, What s it like?
                                          I ll show you says
                                        the Englishman and
                                        with that he has a
                                        good snog with her.
                                         That           was
                                        wonderful,       She
                                        says.
                                        Then the Scotsman
                                        says to the mermaid
                                            Have you ever
                                        been fingered?
                                         No      she replies,
 What s that mean?
 I ll show you, says the Scotsman and with that he shoves
his fingers up inside her and has a good grope.
 Oh says the mermaid That was just out of this world.
Then the Irishman says to the Mermaid Have you ever
been f--k-d?

                                                          30
 No She replies.
The Irishman says Well you have now because the tide
has gone out."


Two fishermen are doing some late night fishing on a
riverbank. One is a black man on one bank and one a white
man on the other bank. They both decide to have a piss in
the river at the same time and the white man calls across
  Is it true that black men have got long dicks?
The black man replies Yes it is true, why do you ask?
The white man thinks to himself I ll wind him up, so he
says, I ve got a long dick myself. I ll tell you what this
river water is cold on the end of my dick.
  Yes replies the black man And it s deep as well.


                                 A man has just bought a
                                 new Mercedes car and is
                                 showing it off to his to
                                 his Irish mate when his
                                 mate asks, What is that
                                 little thing for that is
                                 sticking up on the end of
                                 the bonnet?
                                   Oh that is the emblem.
                                 You use it to line up the
                                 car when you are trying
                                 to hit a cyclist.

                                                       31
 That is a good idea, says his mate Those cyclist are a
nuisance.
Then he takes them for a drive to show off his new car
when he sees a cyclist. So he says Look I m aiming for
that cyclist in front of us. Then at the last second he
swerves and misses him. Damn he says, I missed him.
This happens several times and when he swerves for the
fourth time he hears a bang as they go past the cyclist.
 What was that he says?
His mate says Well you keep missing them so I opened
the door as we went past and got him with that.


A newly married couple are lying in bed talking about sex.
He says, We will have to come up with some signs about
when we want sex instead of talking all the time.
She says, When you don t want sex touch my left breast.
When you do want sex touch my right breast.
He says Alright. When you do want sex pull my penis
once. When you don t want sex pull my penis 100 times.


A Farmer and his wife are arguing about money. He says to
her If you had bigger breasts we could get rid of one of
the cows.
She replies, If you had a bigger dick we could get rid of
the tractor driver.



                                                       32
A man is in the pub talking to his mate who he asks, Do
you know how I can get my tomatoes to ripen?
His mate replies Yes, take all your clothes off and walk
round your greenhouse in the nude every day.
  And that will ripen my tomatoes?
                                      Yes it works for me
                                     every time      says his
                                     mate.
                                     The next week they meet
                                     again and his mate ask
                                     him Did you get your
                                     tomatoes to ripen?
                                      Yes he says, it worked
                                     a treat.
Later on that evening he is talking to a young woman when
she says, Do you know how I can get my tomatoes to
ripen?
He replies, Yes, my mate told me the other week. Take all
your clothes off and walk round your greenhouse in the
nude every day.
                           She says And that will ripen
                           my tomatoes?
                             Yes he replies My mate told
                           me about it the other week and I
                           got mine to ripen straight
                           away.
                              I ll try it then She says.
                           Next week they meet up again
                           and he asks the young woman

                                                          33
 Did you get your tomatoes to ripen?
 No She say It s funny that, they didn t but you should
see the size of my cucumbers though.


A woman wants to become a nun and she is appearing
before the religious panel of clergy. They say to her Well
to become a nun you have got to be a virgin.
She replies, I am.
                   Then the cleric says to her I though you
                   said you had been married?
                    Yes she replies Three times.
                     Well how can you be a virgin then?
                    Well my first husband was a sex
                   therapist and all he wanted to do was
                   talk about it. My second husband was a
                   gynaecologist, and all he wanted to do
                   was look at it. My third husband was a
                   stamp collector.
                    A stamp collector? I don t understand.
                    All he wanted to do was lick it.


Two young nuns go into an off licence and ask for a bottle
of vodka. The man in the shop says I don t think I should
sell a bottle of vodka to you nuns.
One of the nuns says, It s for Mother Superior s
constipation.
 Vodka for constipation, I have never heard that. He says.

                                                        34
The nun says, Would I lie to you, I m a nun?
 Alright then he says and the two nuns walk out of the
shop with the vodka.
Later on that morning the shopkeeper has to nip out of his
shop on an errand and he sees the two young nuns rolling
about on the pavement roaring drunk. He says to them I
thought that the vodka was for Mother Superior s
constipation?
One of the nuns replies it is, wait till she sees the state we
are in, she will shit herself.

A man goes to a brothel for the first time and says to the
madam What can I have for £10?
She says We haven t got anything that cheap I m afraid
you ll have to come back when you have got some more
money.
The next week the man goes back clutching £20 and asks
                       what he can have for that.
                       The woman replies, We have not
                       got much but if you go into the
                       end room down that corridor there
                       is a hen. You can have sex with
                       that if you like. If you are not
                       satisfied you can have your
                       money back.
                       The man says Well I am not sure
                       but I ll give it a go now that I m
                       here.
                       So he goes into the room and tries

                                                           35
it out but is not satisfied so he goes back to the madam
after a while and asks for his money back. Come back
when you have got some more money she says
The next week he returns with £30 and asks again what he
can have. The madam says Go into that room there and
you will see two lesbians having sex in the next room
through a two way mirror.
So he enters the room and it is packed with men smoking.
He sits at the back and he can just see through the two-way
mirror and see the two lesbians but not very well. It s so
smokey that he gets fed up peering through the gloom and
coughing so he says to the man next to him This isn t very
good is it?
  No the man replies You should have been here last
week it was very funny because there was some pervert
trying to have sex with a hen.


A man is sitting in his bedroom talking to his girlfriend and
he tells her that he has had his penis tattooed. Do you
want to see it? he asks her.
 Alright she says. So he flops it out. Then she says, I
can t read the writing.
 Bend down and get closer to it. Try giving it a rub. He
says.
So she does and it swells but she still can t read it, so he
says, Give it a lick.



                                                          36
Then she says I can read it now, and she sees that the
writing says I love you. Then she says, I think you are
trying to put words into my mouth.


Everything is re-cycled nowadays. Telephone directories,
Newspapers and even Cheque Books are made from re-
cycled paper. What shook me the other day was the small
print I saw on a pack of Toilet Rolls. It said, Made from
re-cycled paper.
Well I don t know what you do with your toilet paper when
you have wiped your bottom on it but I flush it down the
toilet. So how do they Re-cycle it? Do the sewage workers
stand at the side of the outlet pipes with fishing nets
catching it as it comes past? Oh, look there goes a nice bit
of pink paper I ll have that.
And how do they re-cycle it when they have caught it, I
mean to put it bluntly its covered in shit. It makes the mind
boggle.

                        A man goes up to the bar and says
                        to the Landlord      You see that
                        glass over there on that table. Well
                        I bet you £200 that I can pee in it
                        from here and fill it without
                        spilling a drop.
                        The Landlord says, Go on then,
                        you re on.
                        So the man unzips his trousers and

                                                          37
flops it out. Then he lets rip and it goes all over the table,
the bar and even the Landlords face. In fact it goes
everywhere but in the glass.
The Landlord laughs wiping it off his face and says That
is £200 you owe me, pay up.
  Certainly says the man Here you are, it s a pleasure
doing business with you.
  What are you so happy about? says the Landlord You
have just lost £200.
  Well says the man I bet those men over there at the pool
table £500 that I could pee on your bar and even on you
and you would not get mad, but would laugh about it.


What is the difference between a naked woman lying on a
bed with her legs open and a policeman with a radar gun?
With a naked woman you can see the c-nt behind the bush.


                                 Three      newly     married
                                 couples stay at the same
                                 hotel in adjacent rooms.
                                 The first couple go to bed
                                 and get undressed. The
                                 man seeing his wife naked
                                 for the first time says My
                                 what a fine pair of big tits
                                 you have. And his new


                                                           38
wife slaps him hard across the face, so he goes out onto the
balcony and sits down.
The second couple go to bed and the man sees his wife
naked for the first time and says My what a great big arse
you have. He gets his face slapped and so he goes out
onto the balcony where he sees the man next door and they
talk. Suddenly from the third room they hear an almighty
slap and the third newly wed man comes out onto his
balcony. The first man says to him Did you put your foot
in it as well?
 I could have done! he replies.


                       The Toy maker is chatting to
                       Pinocchio and he asks him if he has
                       ever had a girlfriend. Pinocchio
                       replies Yes, I have had lots but
                       when I have sex with them they all
                       complain that they get splinters in
                       their fannies. Is there any thing you
                       can do about it?
                       The Toy maker says, Yes, I ll get
                       you some sandpaper. He does this
                       and then says to Pinocchio When
                       you go to bed tonight, rub your
                       prick with this and it should
                       remove the splinters and make it
smooth.


                                                         39
Next week the Toy maker sees Pinocchio again and says to
him Did you rub your prick with the sandpaper like I said
and how are you getting on with the girls now?
Pinocchio replies Yes I did, who wants girls when you
have got a piece of sandpaper?


                   An Englishman, a Scotsman and an
                   Irishman go for a job interview. The
                   Englishman has his interview and the
                   man says to him You have done very
                   well but there is one question that I
                   must ask you. How many Ls are
                   there in The Can Can?
                   The Englishman looks at him and
                   replies, There aren t any.
                     Very good says the interviewer
                     You have got the job.
                   The Scotsman goes in, has his
                   interview and is asked the same
                   question. He replies There aren t any
                   Ls in The Can Can .
                   Then the Irishman goes in for his
                   interview. The interviewer says to him
 Well you have done alright but there is one question that I
must ask you before I give you the job. How many Ls
are there in The Can Can ?
The Irishman replies, I don t know can I have some time
to think about it?

                                                         40
 Yes alright, but I can only give you two hours, The
interviewer replies.
After 2 hours the Irishman goes back and the interviewer
asks him Well you have had time to think about it now,
how many Ls are there in The Can Can ?
The Irishman replies, I have not got the exact figure but
there are about 220 Ls.
The interviewer says to him I don t understand, explain
yourself.
The Irishman goes Laa la la la la la laa la. (Sung to the
tune of the can can)

                     A little boy sits on a bench next to a
                     man wearing a dog collar. The little
                     boy says Hey Mister, why have you
                     got your shirt on back to front?
                     The man replies, I am a priest, well
                     a father actually.
                     The little boy retorts My dads a
                     father, I am his son, but he does not
                     wear his shirt back to front.
                     The priest replies, I am a father to
hundreds of people.
The little boy says I know how you can stop that. When
you go to bed wear your Y Fronts back to front.


An old man and his wife come back from their holiday and
go down to the pub. He is getting a bit forgetful and when a

                                                         41
friend asks him if he enjoyed his holiday he thinks for a
minute and says, Yes, I did.
 Where did you go? The friend asks.
The man thinks for a minute and says, What is the name
of that plant that climbs up walls?
His friend says, Do you mean Wisteria?
 No, He replies Not that.
 Honeysuckle then,
 No, Says the old man.
 Do you mean Ivy then? says his friend.
 Yes, that s the one. Ivy, Calls the old man to his wife.
 Where did we go on holiday?


Have you heard the latest idea? They are training Shetland
                     Ponies to act as guides for blind
                     people. They say they are intelligent
                     and live a lot longer than dogs. Can
                     you imagine getting into a taxi with
                     one though? Excuse me mate you
                     take guide dogs in your car don t
                     you?
                      Yes of course but that isn t a guide
                     dog.
                      It s fully trained it will sit on the seat
next to me.
 F k Off that s a pony. If you want to go somewhere why
don t you ride it. ?
What about if you went into a shop.

                                                             42
Shopkeeper Didn t you see the sign. No dogs allowed in
this shop.
 It s alright mate this is not a dog, the sign did not say
anything about ponies.
Imagine carrying a Poop-a scoop for it. You would need a
full size shovel and never mind a little baggy you would
need a carrier bag.

                         An old man goes to the doctors
                         and asks for some Viagra. The
                         doctor says, "Yes, of course you
                         can have some at your age. I will
                         write you out a prescription."
                         The old man asks him "Can I
                         have the tablets cut up into
                         quarters please."
                         The doctor replies, "They wont
                         give you much of an erection like
                         that."
                         The old man says "I don't want to
                         be able to have sex I just want it
                         stiff enough so that I don't pee on
my feet."


I know a young lad who plays darts and is not very good.
Of course he is at a disadvantage to every body else
because while most people throw from 7 feet 9 1/4 inches
he throws from about 10 feet. He doesn't want to but he has

                                                         43
                                   size 15 feet! Give him a
                                   red nose and he would
                                   pass for a clown. Still I
                                   suppose he saves money
                                   on winter holidays, as he
                                   would not need to hire
                                   skis.

                                      I was at a match the
                                      other night and was in a
                                      rough pub when a
                                      middle-aged      couple
came in and saw the darts match going on. The man said,
"Lets watch the professionals playing darts."
I replied "We are not pro's but a lot of the women watching
this game are." I left soon after that comment!

A teenage girl is staying with her grandma and she gets
ready to go out for the evening. When she comes
downstairs she is wearing a see though blouse and no bras.
Her grandma says to her "You're not going out dressed like
that are you?"
"Yes, grandma" the girl replies "It's all the fashion now to
dress like this. I'm showing off my two rose buds."
The grandma sighs and says, "It's the times we live in I
suppose."
The next day the girl is waiting for some of her friends to
come round when she sees her grandmother enter the room
wearing a see through blouse and no bras. The girl says,

                                                           44
"You can't dress like that grandma, I've got some friends
coming round in a bit."
The grandma replies, "If you can show off your rose buds I
can show off my hanging baskets."

                               A man goes into a strange
                               pub and starts chatting to
                               some of the local darts
                               players when they ask him if
                               he wants a game. He says "I
                               have never played a game of
                               darts before but I will give it
                               a go if you tell me what to
                               do."
After playing for about an hour he has not lost a single
game and has hit some fantastic shots. One of the players
says to him "I thought you had never played before?"
The man replies "No I haven't, but there are a lot of flies in
my flat and I have got some old darts which I throw at
them and pin them to the wall."
"No wonder you are so good then if you can do that. But
doesn't it make a mess on the wall?"
"Not really" replies the man "Because I only pin them by
their back legs."


Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee are doing a magic show in
a packed hall when Paul asks if there is anybody in the


                                                           45
audience who can do a magic trick or an illusion. One man
puts his hand up and shouts out "I can do an illusion."
Paul gets him up on the stage and asks him if he needs any
props. The man replies, "Some strong string, a chair and
Debbie McGee."
Paul says that's fine and tells him to go ahead with the
illusion. The man tells Debbie to bend over the chair and
then ties her to it so she is fast. The he pulls her knickers
down and starts to fuck her.
Paul says "Just a minute that is not an illusion or a trick."
"No," the man replies "But it is f--k-ng magic!"

There is a little robin flying along when the weather
changes for the worse and it starts to freeze. It gets colder
and colder and eventually the little bird freezes solid and
drops to the ground. The bird lies on the ground for a while
frozen solid when along comes a cow and it shits on the
little bird. The cowpat is warm and gradually the little bird
thaws out and comes back to life. The robin pokes its head
up out of the cowpat and starts singing, happy to be alive
although it is still covered in cow shit. The noise attracts a
passing cat that picks up the little bird and wipes off the
cow shit. Then the cat eats the robin.
There are two lessons to be learned from this story;
Not everybody who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everybody who gets you out of the shit is your friend.
The moral of this little story is if you are up to your neck in
shit but are reasonably happy then keep your gob shut.


                                                            46
My dotty old mother recently bought a hat for gardening
outside in the summer. On the brim it said "Lady
Gardener."
My comment was that it should say "Barmy Gardener" and
then I hastily added that it should say "Balmy Gardener"
because she always gardens when the weather is balmy.



A Golf Pro is teaching a young woman how to play golf
and it is her first lesson. The pro tells her to hold the club
firmly and says to her Hold the club as if you were
holding your husbands penis and then swing the club and
hit the ball.
She does as he says and the ball goes straight down the
fairway. The Pro says to her Very good, an excellent shot,
now take the club out of your mouth and try again.

I know someone who had a bad car accident where he was
badly hurt. He was unable to get out of the wrecked car on
his own because of his injuries but fortunately two cars
stopped to help. One contained a French family on holiday
called the Ghoulies and the other an English family called
the Smiths. Fortunately he was pulled out by the Smiths
and not by the French family.

My elderly mother loves to have the birds in the garden
and does everything she can to encourage them. Some

                                                           47
people think she is a bitch but she is better than any dog at
sending off the cats that plague our garden. Her eyesight is
not very good but if I see one I shout Cats! and she goes
rushing to the back door and out into the garden to chase
them off.


A woman on a golf course is hit by a stray golf ball and
collapses onto the ground. The man she was playing with
rushes to the nearest phone box and dials for an ambulance.
The woman at the other end of the phone asks, Where was
the woman hit by the golf ball?
The man replies Between the first and second hole.
The ambulance woman says, That does not leave much
room for a bandage does it.


                       I live in the country so I keep a
                       few Chickens; I ve got 6 Hens
                       and 3 Cockerels. Well the other
                       day I went into feed them and
                       one of my cocks was missing
                       and the door was not secure.
                       Later that morning I went to
                       church and it was full. After the
                       sermon I asked the vicar if I
                       could have a quick word with
everybody and he agreed. I spoke up and said, Has
anybody got a Cock? Al the men stood up. I ll try that

                                                          48
again I thought. Has anybody had a Cock? All the
women stood up. This is all wrong, I ll try again. Has
anybody had a cock that does not belong to them? Half
the women stood up. Bugger me this is hopeless I thought.
I ll try one last time. Has anybody seen my cock? All the
Choirboys stood up. I quietly left.

                     3 Surgeons were talking about their
                     successes. The first said A man
                     came to me who had cut off all his
                     fingers with a chainsaw. I did such a
                     good job of sewing them back on that
                     he became a concert pianist.
                     The second then piped up That s
                     nothing, a man had lost both his legs
                     in a car accident and after I had
                     sewed them back on he went on to
                     play football for England.
                     The 3rd said, I can beat that. A man
ran into the back of a horse and all that was left was his
head and the horses arse. I sewed the head to the arse and
now he is the Prime Minister of England!


A man has tried all sorts of diets and been to Weight
Watchers without any success so when he sees a new
advert guaranteeing weight loss he jumps at the idea. He
sends off his cheque and then one day he hears the doorbell
go. When he answers it he sees quite an attractive young

                                                        49
lady standing at the door stark naked except for a placard
on her chest which says If you can catch me you can have
your way with me. She runs off and he starts chasing her.
By the end of the week he has lost 10lbs, feels much fitter
and on the last day he catches the girl. He has his way with
her and thinks this is a great way to lose weight. The next
week he decides he would like to lose another 20lbs so he
sends off his cheque and waits for the doorbell. Eventually
there is a ring at his door and he opens it to see a very
beautiful longhaired young blond girl. Again she has a
placard round her neck that says If you can catch me you
can have your way with me. Off they run and by the end
of the week he has lost 20lbs and caught the young lady.
He has his way with her and thinks I ll try to lose 30lbs
next week so he sends off his letter and then waits for the
doorbell.
Eventually it rings and he opens the door expectantly only
to see a large athletic young man standing at the door stark
naked except for a placard that reads If I can catch you I
can have my way with you.


A mans body parts were having a discussion. The blood
said, I should be in charge because I carry the oxygen
round the body to make it work.
The stomach said No I should be in charge because I
process all the food and without me the body would
starve.


                                                         50
The legs said But without me to carry the body round
none of you could do anything.
The eyes said, True, but I should be in charge because
without me the body could not see to do anything at all.
The rectum said My job s the most important because I
expel al the bodily wastes. With this all the body parts
laughed so the rectum refused to work any more and shut
down. Within a few days the eyes were watering, the
stomach was bloated, the legs were wobbly and the blood
was poisoned so all the body parts had a meeting and
agreed that the rectum should be in charge.
The moral of this story is no matter what you do in life,
however important your job is it is always the arsehole that
is in charge.


                        I read about a motorist in Scotland
                        who was charged with driving at
                        729 miles per hour. He said I now
                        my Fiesta is a good little car but
                        there is no way that it would go
                        that fast.
                        It turned out that the speed camera
                        had caught a low flying jet plane in
                        its radar. The serious part is that the
                        radar had activated the automatic
                        defences on the plane. Fortunately
it was a British plane because if it had been American he
would have fired first and asked questions later. You can

                                                            51
imagine the policeman going back to the station. Serge the
radar is broken.
 Where was it and what have you done to it?
 It was not my fault Serge, it was in the car when it was hit
by a missile from an American fighter plane.

The Beer Prayer
Our Lager,
           Which art in barrels,
           Hallowed be thy drink
           Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk)
           At home as in the tavern,
           Give us this day our foamy head,
           And forgive us our spillages,
           As we forgive those who spill against us,
           And lead us not into incarceration,
           But deliver us from hangovers,
           For thine is the beer,
           The bitter and the lager,
           Forever and ever,
                               Barmen.


A zoo is closing down and selling off all of its animals. All
that is left is a Zebra. A farmer comes along and says, I
have got lots of fields that she can run round in, I ll have
her. The farmer takes the Zebra home and lets her out into
a field then says to the Zebra There is lots of other
animals you can talk to. Go and introduce yourself. So the

                                                          52
                                     Zebra goes off and
                                     sees this little brown
                                     thing pecking at the
                                     ground. The Zebra
                                     says Hello. What are
                                     you?
                                      I m a chicken.
                                      Hello, I m a Zebra
                                     and what do you do
                                     around here?
                                      I lay eggs so the
                                     farmer can have a nice
boiled egg for breakfast. That s good, it was nice to meet
you. The Zebra wanders off to meet someone else. Then
she comes across a big black and white thing. What are
you says the Zebra?
 I m a cow.
 Hello I m a Zebra and what do you do?
 Well I produce a lot of milk so that the farmer can have a
nice hot cup of coffee or tea with some milk in to warm
him up from working outside after looking after us
animals.
 That s good, says the Zebra. Well I must go, it was nice
to meet you. Then the Zebra spots a little white furry thing
eating the grass. Hello says the Zebra I m a Zebra what
are you?
 I m a sheep it replies.
 And what do you do?


                                                         53
 The farmer cuts my thick fleece and his wife spins it and
then she knits the wool to make sweaters to keep her
family warm in the cold weather.
 That s good, says the Zebra. It was nice to meet you
and then she wanders off. Next the Zebra spots a big black
thing galloping round the field. The Zebra says I m a
zebra what are you?
 I m a stallion it replies.
The Zebra says And what do you do?
The stallion replies, Get those f--k-ng stripey pyjamas off
and I ll show you!

Paddy is on Millionaire and Chris asks him For £64,000
who was the Great Train Robber? Was it A: Ronnie
Barker. B: Ronnie Corbett. C: Ronnie Lane. Or D: Ronnie
Biggs.
Paddy thinks for a minute and says, I think I ll take the
money, I don t want to answer that.
Chris says Are you sure you don t want to answer that?
 Yes Replies Paddy I ll take the money thank you.
The next day Paddy is in the pub with his mates and one of
them asks him why he did not answer the question. You
must have known the answer, he says.
 Of course I knew it was Ronnie Biggs. But I m no grass.
He replies.




                                                        54
                                   There are two dogs in
                                   the vets, a Terrier and a
                                   big     Alsatian.     The
                                   Alsatian asks the Terrier
                                   what he is in for. The
                                   Terrier says There is a
                                   lovely little Dachshund
                                   next door and I got her
                                   pregnant. She had seven
                                   little puppies but they
                                   were all funny looking.
                                   The      people      were
                                   annoyed so I am going
to be castrated. What are you in here for?
 Well says the Alsatian, I have a beautiful blonde
mistress and she was getting ready to have a bath the other
day. She was stark naked and bending over the bath putting
the plug in when I went upstairs and saw her. So, I jumped
her, and you know, gave her one.
The Terrier asks Are you here to be castrated as well
then?
 No Replies the Alsatian I m here to have my claws
clipped.

                Two women go out for the evening to a
                bingo night and walk home. On the way
                one says to the other I need a shit.
                The other replies Now you mention it, so
                do I. Lets go in the church yard behind the

                                                         55
gravestones, there will be no one there at this time of
night.
 Good idea says the first, so they do their business and
then one says We ve got no toilet paper, so I ll have to
use my knickers. They are old ones so I can throw them
away afterwards.
The other woman says, I m not using my knickers. They
are new ones and they were expensive. There is wreath on
that fresh grave with a big ribbon on it so I ll use that to
wipe my bottom.
The next night their husbands are talking in the pub and
one says to the other I don t now what my wife got up to
last night but she came home with no knickers on.
The other replies You should worry, when my wife got
into bed last night she had a card stuck to her bottom that
read; We ll miss you, from all the lads at the Fire Station.


Three girls with old-fashioned names, Felicity, Flo and
Fanny have all got big feet and can t get a boyfriend.
Fanny has got the biggest feet, absolutely enormous they
are and they put every one off. One night they all go out
and Fanny is sitting in a corner while her two sisters are
chatting up two boys. The boys say we like girls with big
feet, the bigger the better. The two girls say we have both
got big feet but you should see our fanny s.

I was talking to a blond girl the other night and while I was
talking to her she kept sneezing. She was shaking and

                                                          56
having convulsions every time that she sneezed. I said to
her That looks bad, are you alright
  Yes I m fine. To be honest every time that I sneeze I have
an orgasm.
  That sounds serious I said Are you taking anything for
it?
  Yes she replied, I am taking sneezing powder

                               A little pig goes into a pub
                               and asks for glass of water.
                               After he has drunk it he asks
                               for the toilet and later leaves.
                               A little while later a second
                               little pig goes into the pub
                               and asks for two glasses of
                               water. Then it asks for the
                               toilet and leaves. A third
                               piglet goes in and has three
                               glasses, goes to the toilet and
then a fourth piglet does the same. Finally a fifth piglet
enters the pub and has five glasses of water. Then it goes to
leave and the barman says Don t you want the toilet?
The piglet replies No, haven t you heard, I m the little pig
that goes wee, wee, wee, all the way home.


An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring
all that the accident of evolution had created. What


                                                            57
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
animals! he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7
foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could
up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the
                       bear was closing on him. He ran
                       even faster, so scared that tears were
                       coming to his eyes. He looked over
                       his shoulder again and the bear was
                       even closer. His heart was pumping
                       frantically and he tried to run even
                       faster. He tripped and fell to the
                       ground. He rolled over to pick
                       himself up but saw the bear was right
                       on top of him reaching for him with
his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that
moment the man cried out Oh my God.
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped flowing.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of
the sky, You deny my existence for all your years, teach
others that I don t exist and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament?
The atheist looked directly into the light, It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a

                                                          58
Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a
Christian.
 Very well, the voice said.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed its head and spoke. Lord, for the food
which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.

                            An Irishman gets on a bus after
                            a heavy drinking session in the
                            pub. He sits down and starts to
                            read an old newspaper that he
                            finds on the seat and as he is
                            reading it a priest gets on the
                            bus and sits next to him. The
                            priest smells the beer on the
                            Irishman and sees that he is the
                            worse for drink and shakes his
                            head. Then the Irishman speaks
                            to the priest and asks him
 Father, do you know what causes arthritis?
The priest looks at him and answers Yes my son, the sins
of the flesh, too much beer and too much sex. Why do you
ask? Do you suffer from arthritis?
 Oh no Replied the Irishman But I was just reading in
this paper that the Pope has arthritis.


                                                         59
                          A middle-aged man of 47 decides
                          to have a face-lift. He spends a
                          fortune and has his nose done, his
                          double chin, his eyes, the lot.
                          After he has the bandages
                          removed he says to the young
                          nurse attending him How old do
                          you think I am?
                          The nurse looks thoughtful and
                          says I don t think you look a day
                          over 35.
                          This pleases the man and he says,
                           That is great, I am 47 you
                          know.
                          After he has left the hospital he
walks across the grounds and sees a young man coming
towards him. He stops him and asks him Excuse me, but
how old do you think I am?
The young man says after some thought, I would say
about 36 or 37.
 That s great, says the middle aged man I am 47 you
know
Then he decides to get a something to eat so he goes in a
burger bar, queues up and buys a burger to take out. While
he is being served he asks the girl behind the counter How
old do you think I am?
She pauses in her busy routine and says Oh, I should think
about 35


                                                         60
                        That s great the middle aged man
                       says, I am 47 you know Then he
                       leaves and goes over to the bus stop
                       nearby. He eats his burger and an
                       old lady joins him waiting for the
                       next bus. He asks her How old do
                       you think I am?
                       She says, I have got an infallible
                       way of telling how old young men
                       are, but to do it I have to put my
                       hand down their trousers.
                       The middle-aged man looks round
                       and there is nobody about. He is in a
                       good mood after his successful
                       operation so he consents and replies
                        Yes, all right then.
The old lady puts her hand down the front of his trousers
and has a good feel around. This goes on for about 5
minutes then the man says, Have you reached a
conclusion about how old I am?
The old lady says, Yes, I am sure that you are 47.
The man is taken aback and asks, That s remarkable, how
did you find that out?
 Oh, it was easy really, I was behind you in the queue
when you bought your burger a few minutes ago.


Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant,
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a

                                                         61
                          spoon in his shirt pocket. It
                          seemed a little strange. When the
                          busboy brought our water and
                          utensils, I noticed he also had a
                          spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I
                          looked around and saw that all the
                          staff had spoons in their pockets.
                          When the waiter came back to
                          serve our soup I asked, Why the
                          spoon?
                            Well,     he explained,        the
                          restaurant's owners hired Andersen
                          Consulting to revamp all our
                          processes. After several months of
                          analysis they concluded that the
spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per
table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift.
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was
able to replace it with his spare. I'll get another spoon next
time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to
get it right now.
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string
hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed
that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their
flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, Excuse
me, but can you tell me why you have that string right

                                                           62
there?
  Oh, certainly! Then he lowered his voice. Not everyone
is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying
this string to the tip of our you know what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent.
  After you get it out, how do you put it back?
  Well, he whispered, I don't know about the others, but I
use the spoon.

                         A man goes to a pet shop and
                         says to the assistant I want to
                         buy a talking parrot.
                         The assistant says, I am sorry
                         but I have just sold the last
                         talking parrot, but I have got a
                         woodpecker that I could let you
                         have.
                          But can he talk? the customers
                         asks.
                          No replies the pet shop man
                          But he is good at Morse code.

A man has been on a safari expedition and he is talking
about his trip in the pub. I was chased by a lion you
know, he says. I ran away from him as fast as I could but
he kept getting closer. Then when he was almost upon me

                                                        63
                                and I could smell his
                                breath he slipped and I
                                managed to get away
                                from him. He followed
                                me again and nearly
                                caught me. Then when I
                                could feel his breath on
                                me he slipped again and I
                                managed to get up a tree
                                away from him.
                                His friend says, I would
                                have been terrified. If
                                that had been me I would
have shit myself.
 What do you think the lion kept slipping on? His friend
replied.



                        There are two Mexicans who
                        have been lost in the desert for
                        weeks and they're at death's door.
                        As they stumble on, hoping for
                        salvation in the form of an oasis
                        or something        similar,    they
                        suddenly spy, through the heat
                        haze, a tree off in the distance.
                        As they get closer they can see
                        that the tree is draped with

                                                         64
rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy
bacon, and life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all
sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!!
We're saved!!!"
 "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead
and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the
sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of
bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand and
calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa
hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo,
run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
"Ees... a.... Ham bush."

A man goes to his doctor and complains to him Doctor, I
can t stop singing Green, Green, Grass of home. What s
wrong                       with                  me?
The Doctor replies, "You have the Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it a very rare complaint?         The man asks.
The Doctor said, It s not unusual.

The Mother Superior at a Catholic Convent School was
talking to a little girl there and she asked her What do you
want to be when you grow up?




                                                         65
                        The little girl replied, I really want
                        to be a prostitute.
                        The Mother Superior exclaimed
                         Oh, my goodness.
                        The little girl said I am sorry if I
                        have shocked you Mother Superior,
                        but I like men and I really want to
                        have sex and be paid for it. I really
                        want to be a prostitute.
                        The Mother Superior replies, Oh,
                        thank goodness for that, for one
                        terrible moment I thought you said
                        you want to be a Protestant.

                     Why are babies nappies and
                     politicians the same?
Because they both need changing regularly            .and
both for the same reason            because they are both
full of shit!

A family is sitting round the dinner table when the son asks
his father, Dad, how many different types of breasts are
there?
His dad says Well son, there are three distinct types of
breasts. When a woman is in her twenties her breasts are
like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties they
are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty they
are like onions.
  Like onions dad, why is that?

                                                           66
                                                 You see them
                                                and they make
                                                you cry.
                                                The mother and
                                                daughter     were
                                                cross about the
                                                comments so the
                                                daughter     said,
                                                 Mum,        how
                                                many kinds of
                                                penises        are
                                                there?
                                                Her       mother
                                                smiled        and
                                                replied,     Well
                                                dear there are 3
                                                kinds. When a
man is in his twenties his penis is like an Oak, mighty and
hard. In his thirties to forties it is like a Birch, flexible but
reliable. After he is fifty his penis is like a Christmas tree.
 I don t understand. Says the daughter.
 Well, replies the mother It s dead from the roots up and
the balls are for decoration only.


A man takes his wife to play golf for the first time and on
the first tee his wife hits the ball and slices it towards the
expensive houses nearby. The ball sails into a large


                                                               67
window, smashing it to smithereens. The man says to his
wife We had better go and apologise.
They go to the house and knock on the door. It is answered
by a butler who takes them into the room with the broken
window where they see an expensive looking vase has also
been broken by the golf ball.
 I m very sorry about the window and vase, says the
golfer to a man sitting in the room. We will of course pay
for the damage.
 No problem, replies the man. Actually I am very grateful
to you. I am a Genie and I have been trapped in that vase
for 3,000 years. You have just set me free. I can grant you
3 wishes, one each and if you don t mind I d like to keep
the third one for myself.
 Great says the golfer. For my wish I would like to have
                     a million pounds a year paid to me for
                     the rest of my life without having to
                     work.
                       Granted Says the Genie.
                     The man s wife says I would like to
                     have a mansion with servants, in every
                     country of the world.
                       Granted, says the genie. For my
                     wish I would like to have sex with
                     your wife.
                     The couple talk it over and agree that it
                     is not a bad price to pay for their new
                     found wealth so the wife agrees to the
                     Genies request. They go upstairs and

                                                           68
have mad sex for three hours. While lying on the bed
exhausted the Genie says to the woman One thing puzzles
me. How old are you?
The woman replies 36 years old, Why?
 Well says the man I am surprised you still believe in
genies.

A man goes to the Doctor and says Doctor, I have got
something wrong with my bottom, can you have a look at it
for me?
                               The Doctor says Yes of
                               course, drop your trousers for
                               me will you. The man does
                               and the doctor looks up his
                               bottom.        My goodness
                               Exclaims the doctor There
                               is a ten pound note lodged up
                               inside.
                                 Well don t just stand there
                               looking at it, says the man
                                 Pull it out.
                               The doctor pulls it out and
                               then a twenty pound note
appears followed by another twenty and then another and
so on. Eventually the doctor pulls out the last and says to
the man Well that is the last, there are no more up there.
The man says That feels better and then asks Doctor
how much money is there altogether?
The doctor counts it and replies There is exactly £1,990.

                                                          69
The man says I thought there would be, I knew that I was
not feeling Two Grand.

A company was holding a convention in London one year.
There were 3 Scotsman and 3 Englishmen travelling from
their Birmingham office to London and back. The
Englishmen had all bought tickets and were talking about
how expensive they were but the Scotsmen had only
                     bought one ticket between them. The
                     Englishmen started laughing at how
                     the Scotsmen would get caught and
                     have big fines to pay. Suddenly one of
                     the Scotsmen shouted out Here
                     comes the Ticket inspector! with that
                     they all rushed to the bathroom and
                     shut the door. When the inspector
                     came round for the tickets he knocked
                     on the door and said Ticket please.
                     With that a ticket was passed under
                     the door and he moved on. The
Englishmen felt really silly as they could have got away
with buying only one ticket. On the return journey the
Englishmen only bought one ticket between them. The
Scotsmen did not buy a single ticket and the Englishmen
were puzzled. When the lookout shouted Conductor
coming. The Englishmen dived into the bathroom and
shut the door. Then before the real inspector came one of
the Scotsmen knocked on the door and said Ticket
please.

                                                        70
Three office staff go out for lunch one day, two telephone
sales people and the office manager. On the way to the
restaurant one of the sales staff sees a brass lamp lying in a
skip. They pick it up and rub it for luck but a genie
                                             appears.     The
                                             Genie says I
                                             normally give 3
                                             wishes but as
                                             there are 3 of
                                             you I will give
you one wish each.
The first person says
  I would like to
spend the rest of my
life as a millionaire
living a life of
luxury      in    the
Bahamas.
The second sales person says I want to be a millionaire
with a life of luxury in Florida relaxing with a beautiful
blond by my side.
The Genie turns to the manager and asks What is your
wish?
The Manager replies I want those two back in the office
and working after lunch.

A man and his wife are asleep in bed one night when they
are woken by a loud knock on the door. Sleepily the man
                                                           71
gets up and opens it. Standing in the doorway in the
pouring rain is a bedraggled man who says Can you give
me a push?
The sleepy man replies Get lost it s 3 o clock in the
morning and raining. Then he goes back to bed and his
wife, who, tells him off. Don t you remember how those
two men helped us when we broke down in the middle of
the night in the rain 3 months ago? You should be ashamed
of yourself. Go and give that poor man a push.
The man reluctantly gets out of bed and puts on a coat. He
opens the door and walks down the path in the rain and
calls out Are you still there, do you still want a push?
 Yes please, came the reply.
 Where are you?
 Over here on the swing, replies the drunk.


A man is going to bed with his new girlfriend for the first
time and they start getting undressed. He takes off his
shoes and socks and she looks at his feet and laughs. Your
feet are all misshapen and funny looking she says.
  Yes he replies, I had a bad case of Tolio when I was
younger.
  Don t you mean Polio? she replies.
  No, Tolio. It is a very rare disease. I m over it now but it
left my feet all sort of funny and misshapen.
Then he takes off his trousers and the girl laughs again.
  Your Knees are all funny and misshapen, she says.


                                                           72
  Yes I know, I had Kneesels when
I was younger.
  Don t you mean Measels? the
girl asks.
  No he says. Kneesels, it s very
rare but it left my knees all knobbly
and deformed.
Then he takes off his underpants
and the girl laughs again. What s
funny now? he asks.
  Don t tell me the girl says I bet
you had Smallcox.


    When Ralph first noticed that
    his                       penis
    was growing larger and
    staying erect longer, he was
    delighted, as was his wife. But
    after several weeks, his penis
    had grown to nearly twenty
    inches.
    Ralph        became       quite
    concerned. He was having
    problems dressing, and even
    walking. So he and his wife
    went to see a prominent
    urologist.


                                  73
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the
couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked
anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the
surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen
his legs, aren't you?"


A man goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The
interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service? "Yes"
he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points
toward employment". The interviewer then asks, "Are you
disabled in any way"?
The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near
me        and       blew       my        testicles     off".
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right
now.
The hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM You can start
tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM.
 The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from
8:00AM to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come
in at 10:00 A M"
 "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the
first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point
in you coming in for that"

                                                         74
 President Bush visits a school and the teacher asks him to
give an illustration of the importance of the correct use of
words. Mr Bush says to the class Give me a sentence
showing that you know the meaning of the word
 Tragedy.
The whole class thinks and then one little boy puts up his
hand and says Please sir, I Know. It would be a tragedy if
I fell over in the classroom and sprained my ankle.
Mr Bush replies No, that would be unfortunate but it
would not be a tragedy. Someone else perhaps has the
answer.
                                A little girl pipes up If the
                                school bus full of pupils on a
                                school trip, ran off the road
                                and went over a cliff killing
                                everyone. That would be a
                                tragedy.
                                  No.    Replies Mr Bush
                                  That would be an accident
                                but it would not be a
                                tragedy.
A small boy shouts out I know Mr President. If you were
in Air Force One and it was shot down by friendly fire.
That would be a tragedy.
The President says Yes it would. Now explain why.
The little boy says Well it would not be unfortunate and it
certainly would not be a F-ck-ng accident!



                                                           75
                               Once upon a time, in a nice
                               little forest, there lived an
                               orphaned bunny and an
                               orphaned snake. By a
                               surprising coincidence both
                               were blind from birth.
                               One day, the bunny was
                               hopping through the forest,
                               when he tripped over the
                               snake and fell down. This of
                               course knocked the snake
                               about quite a bit.
                               "Oh my" said the bunny" I'm
terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind
since birth so I can't see where I am going, in fact since I'm
also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK" replied the snake "Actually my story is as
yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never
knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all
over you and work out what you are so at least you'll have
that going for you."
"Oh that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the
snake slithered all over the bunny and said "Well you are
covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose
twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you
must be a bunny rabbit."



                                                           76
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious
excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I
could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same
                                     way that you've
                                     helped me."
                                     So the bunny felt the
                                     snake all over and
                                     remarked       "Well
                                     you're smooth and
                                     slippery and you
                                     have     a    forked
                                     tongue, no backbone
and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or
possibly someone in senior management."


                Snow White, Tom Thumb and The
                Hunchback Of Notre Damme are in the
                pub having a drink. Snow White goes up
                to the bar to get a round and sees a mirror
                hanging over the bar. When she goes back
                to the others she tells them and says I
                wonder if I am still the fairest of them all.
                Perhaps I should ask the mirror. So she
                goes up to the mirror and asks. The mirror
                says Of course you are the fairest of
                them all Snow White.


                                                          77
                               Snow White goes back to the
                               others with a smile and Tom
                               Thumb says I wonder if I
                               am still the smallest of them
                               all. So he decides to ask the
                               mirror. The mirror tells him
                               he is still the smallest of them
                               all so he goes back as pleased
                               as punch and tells the others.
                               Then Quasimodo decides to
                               ask if he is still the ugliest of
them all so he goes up to the mirror and asks if he is still
the ugliest of them all. When he comes back he has got a
long face and is upset. Snow White asks him What is
wrong, aren t you the ugliest person?
The Hunchback Of Notre Damme replies No, and then
says Who is this Camilla Parker-Bowles anyway?


                                     A priest offered a lift to
                                     a Nun. She got in and
                                     crossed      her      legs,
                                     forcing her gown to
                                     reveal a leg. The priest
                                     nearly had an accident.
                                     After controlling the
                                     car, he stealthily slid his
                                     hand down to her leg.
                                     The nun said, "Father,

                                                             78
remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let
his hand slide down to her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way with a
backward glance. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek,
further up you will find glory."

                                 A turkey was chatting with a
                                 bull. "I would love to be able
                                 to get to the top of that tree,"
                                 the turkey sighed, but I
                                 haven't got the energy."
                                 "Well, why don't you nibble
                                 on my droppings?" replied
                                 the bull." They're packed
                                 with nutrients."
                                 The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to
reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree.
The turkey was soon spotted by a farmer, who then shot
him out of the tree.
The moral of this little story is bullshit might get you to the
top, but it won't keep you there.

                                                              79

								
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