"A Very Rude Joke Book"
1 I m Tired Yes I m tired. For several years I ve been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living. But I ve found out it isn t that at all .. I m tired because I m overworked. Take a look at the facts. The population of this country is 51 million and 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school. That obviously leaves 11 million. Of this 2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government. That leaves 5 million to do the work. One million are in the armed forces and 3 million are employed by the county and borough councils. This whittles down to one million to do the work. But 938,256 people are in prison and 61,742 are in hospital. That leaves 2 people to do all the work. You and me. And if you re sitting on your backside reading this, no bloody wonder I m so tired! P.S. I apologise for the figures being slightly out of date but this was circulating a couple of years ago. 2 There is a very bad car accident. The fire crew arrive on the scene and cut the badly injured man out of his car with blood everywhere. Then the ambulance arrives on the scene with two paramedics in. The victim is unconscious so the medics start working on him. They give him oxygen and artificial respiration and they can t detect a heartbeat so they pump on his chest. After two or three minutes of this they still can t find any sign of life and are just about to give up when a car screams up and a woman gets out. She rushes over and sits on the victims face. Within a couple of minutes he is starting to show signs of life and recover. The paramedic says to the woman That s remarkable. What did you do? That s easy she replies, He wanted some blood and I m having a period. A man is stopped by a copper for speeding . The policeman instructs him to wind down his window and says Do you know what the speed limit is here sir? The man replies Forty isn t it? 3 The copper then says And what speed were you doing sir? About 40 or so, comes the reply. The copper says I recorded your speed at 55mph and the speed limit here is 30mph anyway. May I see your driving licence please? I m sorry officer I haven t got one as I never took my test. Can I see the vehicle registration document and your insurance? I have not got any insurance or other documents because the car is stolen. There is a gun in the glove box which I used to kill the woman who owned the car. Her body is in the boot. Stay there sir and don t move. Then the copper radios for back up. A helicopter arrives and then the armed response team screams up and surrounds the car. An armed inspector approaches the car and he says to the driver Have you got any identification sir ? Yes certainly officer. Here is my driving licence and the man passes over his licence. Do you have any other documents? Asks the inspector. Yes certainly officer says the man and adds They are in the glove box. 4 The Inspector says to him Slowly open the glove box and take them out with two fingers. This the man does and the Inspector looks at them and sees that they are perfectly in order. He also looks in the empty glove box and can clearly see that there is no gun there. Then he says Would you open your boot pleases sir? This the man does and there is nothing there. The Inspector says I don t understand, my officer said there was a body in the boot, the car was stolen and you had no documents. Yes came the reply, and I bet he told you I was speeding as well. The other day at the engineering firm where I work we were having a meeting and discussing the merits of tooit production. It was stated that we should expand our range. We make square tooits and triangular tooits but not round ones. What are tooits you might ask, but every one at work wants them, especially round ones. There is a big demand for tooits in all industry and commerce so I can see our sales going through the roof when we start production. After all haven t you often heard people at work saying I ll do that when I get a round tooit. A five year old little girl is on her first school holidays and making a nuisance of herself with her mom so her uncle offers to take her to work with him for the week on his building site. The builders find her a hard hat and keep her 5 busy carrying tools around the site for the whole week. The little girl enjoys herself and at the end of the week her uncle gives her 50p and tells her that it's her wages. The little girl goes home and tells her mom that she has got 50p wages so her mom says to her We had better go to the sweet shop so that you can spend it on sweets and off they go. When they get to the shop the little girl tells the woman shopkeeper about the 50p wages for helping her uncle and the woman says Are you going to work next week as well? Yes replies the sweet little 5 year old girl if the f--k-ng bricks come! A rude young man goes to the doctors for an injection. The attractive young woman doctor says to him Take your trousers down please. The young man does and pulls out his penis then says Look at this its gruesome isn t it? The woman doctor replies It is not gruesome it is just functional. Now put it away please. The young man still holding his penis says It is gruesome, look it s just gruesome more. 6 An attractive young nurse examines the same young man because of a rash on his leg. She tells him to pull down his trousers which he does then he pulls out his penis and says Have you seen my magic wand? She says I have seen lots of them. Now put it away please there is nothing magical about it. Yes it is a magic wand, he says. Watch me rub it and it will get bigger. A rabbit and a badger go into a pub for something to eat. They approach the bar and the barman asks what he can get them. The badger says to the barman I ll have a cheese and onion toasty please. The rabbit pipes up and the same for me please. After the badger has finished his toasty he asks the rabbit if he wants another. The rabbit replies This time I ll have a ham toasty please. The badger says I ll have a cheese and onion again. They eat them and the badger says to the barman I ll have the same again please but the rabbit asks for a bacon toasty. 7 They leave and the rabbit is a bit wobbly on his feet. The next day the badger goes into the bar again and the barman asks where his mate the rabbit is. The badger replies It s very sad but he died. I ve warned him before about having different toasties, he says but he died of mixed a ma toasties. (Myxomatosis get it?) There are two Irish men waiting in the disability office for an interview. They are both there for hearing loss. The first is called in to be interviewed. He goes in and sits down in the chair. The interviewer quietly whispers, Shut the door. So the Irishman gets up and shuts it. There s nothing wrong with your hearing says the interviewer. Send the next one in. The first Irish man leaves the room and says to his mate outside If he tells you to shut the door, don t. The second man goes in and sits down. Again the interviewer whispers Shut the door. The Irish man replies Do it your bloody self. An Irishman is on Chris Tarrant s millionaire quiz show and is on the last question. Chris says to Paddy If you get this one right you win a million pounds but you can take the £500,000 and walk away if you want. Paddy says Lets hear the question. 8 Chris says For £1 Million which bird does not build a nest? Is it A) The Cuckoo. B) The Robin. C) The Starling. Or D) The Blackbird. Paddy says I have not got a clue. I just don t know. But I ll phone a friend. Can I phone Murphy in Ireland? Chris puts him through and Murphy is asked the question. He replies The Cuckoo does not build a nest. Paddy says Are you sure Murphy? Yes he replies 100% Sure. Paddy goes with the answer and Chris says Congratulations. You have just won £1 million. Well done. The next week Paddy returns to Ireland and says to Murphy Here is ¼ of a million for getting that question right for me. But why were you so sure that it was the cuckoo that does not build a nest? Easy replies Murphy, Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by cannibals. They are all tied to posts awaiting their fate when the chief comes up to them and says to them We are going to kill you, then skin you and make canoes out of your skins. Do you have any last requests? 9 The Englishman says Yes I would like a pint of bitter and a roast beef dinner please. The cannibals are quite civilised and they prepare it for him. Then they kill him, skin him and make a canoe. The Scotsman is next and he asks for a malt whiskey and a haggis supper. The cannibals get this and then kill him. When it s the Irishman s turn he asks for a pint of Guinness and a fork. Puzzled the cannibals get it for him and when they hand the fork over the Irishman snatches it off them and proceeds to violently stab himself all over with the fork. He says You are not going to make a canoe out off me. A lady was having a bath when the door bell rang so she called out to her young daughter to answer it. The little girl opened the door and said hello to the man standing there Who are you? she asked. I m the blind man came the reply. So the little girl called out to her mother that a blind man was there. Her mother shouted down to the little girl to show him up, which she did. When he entered the bathroom he said My what a lovely pair of tits, now where do you want the blind fitting? 10 A man goes to a fancy dress party stark naked with a girl on his back. His host says to him What are you supposed to be? You know its fancy dress don t you? The man replies I m a tortoise then points to the girl on his back and says This is Michelle. A young man plays a game of darts who has never played before. His first dart hits the double 20. He throws another and hits double 20 again but the third dart bounces out and hits a nun who is watching the game. The dart hits her smack between the eyes and kills her stone dead. The marker calls out One dead nun and eighty. Murphy keeps bees and he said that his bees made the best honey in Ireland because they went into the park as the first rays of the sun were evaporating the early morning dew off the fresh flowers which were just opening for the first time. His mate Paddy said That must be a lie because the park does not open until 9am. 11 My mate is a bus driver and he was out in his bus the other day when he saw an old man flag him down between stops. As he has to stop at an authorised stop he drove on a couple of hundred yards to the nearest stop and waited for him. He saw the little old man running hell for leather to the bus and watched him climb aboard. My friend said, You must be fit. You re not even out of breath to the little old man. Yes the man replied and I m still having sex at 74. My friend murmured his surprise and the old man continued My wife does not like it though because we live at 63. A wine gum goes to the doctors and says to the doctor I think I have got aids doctor. The doctor asks him why and the wine gum replies Because I have been sucking all sorts. This lorry driver has several very bad experiences with estate agents which leave him very bitter. So when he is driving along and sees an estate agent at the side of the road he swerves his lorry and knocks him down. He does this several times and then one morning he is just setting off from home when he sees the local priest walking down 12 the road. He pulls over and says Where are you going? Would you like a lift Father? The priest replies I m going to the church about a mile down the road, thank you I would appreciate a lift to save my weary legs and with that he gets into the truck. A little further down the road the lorry driver sees an estate agent at the side of the road and shouts out there s an estate agent and with that he swerves the truck but misses him as he remembers that he has a priest in the lorry and then as he goes past he hears a bang. The driver says I m sorry father I don t know what came over me, I missed him. The priest replies No need to apologise my son, I opened the door as we went past and hit him with that. A sales rep is out on business driving through the countryside when he breaks down. He does not know much about cars but he lifts the bonnet up anyway and has a fiddle about with the wires and so on. Suddenly he hears a voice say It s your distributor. He looks round but can t see anyone so he puts his head under the bonnet again and again he hears a voice say, It s your distributor. Then he sees a white horse with it s head over a gate. So he walks down to it and the horse says, It s your distributor. 13 He walks back to his car scratching his head and looks at the distributor and he finds that is full of dirt so he cleans it and the car starts first time. He says to himself That s incredible I need a drink after that. So he drives down the road a few hundred yards and sees a pub. He goes in and has a drink telling the landlord what happened. The landlord says to the rep Was it a white horse or a black one? The rep replies It was a white one. Why? Then the landlord says You were lucky. The black one does not know anything about cars and is a terrible liar. A burglar breaks into a house and is in a downstairs room rummaging through the drawers when he hears a voice say I am watching you and so is Jesus. He looks round but can t see anyone so he continues. The voice says again I am watching you and so is Jesus. So the burglar shines his torch round the room and sees a parrot cage in the corner with a parrot in it. The parrot says I am watching you and so is Jesus. 14 The burglar, relieved, walks over to it and says You can talk can you? The parrot replies I am watching you and so is Jesus. The burglar says to the parrot What s your name then? The parrot replies My name is Neville and Jesus is watching you. The burglar says Neville is a funny name for a parrot. Yes replies the parrot And Jesus is a funny name for a Rotweiller but he is behind you and he is watching you. A block of flats is being built and is nearly finished with the builders working high up in the scaffolding and the lower floors are already occupied. Two of the builders are on the scaffolding talking when one says to the other I need a piss desperately. I m not climbing all the way down to the portaloo. The other says I ll stand on the end of this plank and you can go out on it away from the building and have a piss. There is no one down there, it will be alright. OK says the first one and stands on the end of the plank having a piss when the foreman comes up. What s going on here? He says Why aren t you working? 15 The second builder says Sorry boss coming right away and steps off the plank letting the other builder fall to his death. The police come and start asking questions about the man that fell to his death and everyone is saying What a shame he was a family man When a woman comes out of the flats and pipes up He was a sex maniac. He came past my window holding his prick out shouting, C-NT .C-NT . God puts Adam and Eve on the Earth and says to them I have made the earth in six days and then I rested on the 7th. I have filled the seas with fish and the land with animals but I want you to work in the Garden of Eden. You will work hard for six days and refrain from all pleasures until the 7th day when you can rest and enjoy yourselves. They do as God says and then God comes down on the 7th day while Adam is standing on the beach watching Eve play in the sea and says to Adam Did you refrain from sex with Eve as I said? Yes replies Adam, but I gave her a good seeing to this morning like you said I could. She is in the sea washing it off now. God says Oh no it will make the fish smell, if I had wanted the fish to smell like that don t you think I would have done so? 16 A man decides that he wants to find a woman to have oral sex with him so he looks in a telephone box and finds a suitable calling card with a number on it. He calls it and gets the address which turns out to be a basement flat in a seedy part of town, but this does not put him off. He finds it, goes down the stairs and enters the flat. There is an old woman with a false eye sitting at a desk waiting for him. He explains what he wants and she says That will be £5 please. Go into that room and wait for someone. He pays the money over and goes into the room which is in darkness. He stands there waiting when he hears someone come in and then he feels his zip being undone and then a hand holds him before she starts the act with him. While the prostitute is performing on him he hears a beautiful woman s voice singing. He wonders where it is coming from and thinks how wonderful it is. When it is all over he leaves but decides to go back the next day. Events follow the same course and he hears the singing again. This time he decides to take a torch with him the next time so that he can see who is doing the singing. The next day when he hears the beautiful song again he switches on his torch and sees a woman s head bent over him. Then he looks round the darkened room with the torch and can t see anyone else or any loud speakers. He turns a bit further and sees a table in the corner of the room with a glass on it and in the glass is a glass eye . 17 A man is in a pub having a drink and talking to the landlord when the landlord says to him I have got a talking dog over there. The man says, Where is he? I must see this. He is over there lying by the fire, Replies the landlord. The man walks over to the dog and says, I hear you can talk. Yes Replies the dog. Do you want to hear my life story? Certainly Says the man sitting down in a chair by the hearth. The dog starts Up until I was 6 months old I was a family pet and then I was sent to the police force to train as a police dog. I caught lots of criminals and helped keep order when there were football riots. After a couple of years I was seconded into the drug squad where I was trained as a sniffer dog to search out drugs at airports. I made many finds of drugs and stayed with the squad for two years before being sent to the bomb squad. Here I was used to search out explosives in Northern Ireland in a fight against the terrorists. I was caught up in small blast and was pensioned out of the army. Then when I was recovered I worked as a rescue dog searching out people buried in earthquakes for 3 years. Now I am fully retired and live here. 18 That s an amazing story says the man, turning to the landlord. Will you sell him to me? The landlord replies You can have him for a tenner if you like. The man says Why only a tenner? He must be worth a fortune with a story like that. The landlord says That story he told is completely untrue. Its all lies. He is a terrible liar. I don t want him. A little girl gets a splinter in her finger and she asks her mother for a glass of cider. Her mother does not understand why she wants the cider and asks her to explain. The little girl says My big sister says when she gets a prick in her hand she likes to put it inside her. When I was 18 I used to buy a six pack of condoms, 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday. When I was 30 I used to buy a triple pack, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday. Now I am married I buy a twelve pack, one for January, one for February, one for March 19 A man is driving down the road when he hits a hare killing it. He gets out of the car and stands there looking at it trying to make up his mind what to do with it when another car stops and a man gets out. He asks what has happened and is told about the dead hare. He says I ve got just the thing for it and takes a bottle out of his pocket. He rubs some of the liquid from the bottle on the hare and it gets up and runs away. The first man says That s marvellous, what is it? The second man replies It s hair restorer. For those of you who can remember Fred West. They have just re-opened the case on Fred West and found out that he was innocent after all. They found a receipt for ten tons of top soil that he bought from Lockerbie. Have you heard about the two old ladies who were walking through the park the other night? A flasher jumped out on them, opened his coat and showed them all his manly charms. The one old lady had a stroke, she was alright though. The other old lady was a bit upset because she couldn t reach to have a stroke. 20 An old couple met on a village outing and both were in their eighties. The old man said to the woman Lets go back to your place for sex. The old lady said I have not had sex for thirty years, do you think it will be alright? The old man replied Yes it will be fine I know what I m doing. So they went back to the house and the man said, Do you fancy a bit of oral sex? What s that? said the old lady. I ll show you, said the man and goes down on her. After a minute he came up and said, I can t do that any longer, the smell is awful. The old lady said, It s the arthritis. The old man replied, I m sorry to hear that you have got arthritis but I did not know it made you smell. The old lady said I can t bend my hand to wipe my bottom when I go to the toilet. A British pilot flies a bombing raid over Afghanistan, he drops his bombs and starts to head back to base over the border when he sees a man on a flying carpet. He has got loads 21 of ammunition left so he strafes it and shoots it down. He continues flying and is nearly back to base when he sees another flying carpet with a man sitting on it. So he shoots it down. When he gets back to base he tells his wing commander what he has done and he replies, You bloody fool you, those were Allied Carpets. A lorry driver is quietly driving along when he sees a nun walking at the side of the road. He pulls over and asks her if she would like a lift. She replies that she would and climbs up into the cab. They start chatting and the nun says that she has never kissed a man before. The lorry driver asks if she would like a kiss and she says yes but only if he is a Catholic, a virgin and is not married. The lorry driver says that he is all three and suggests that they climb into the back of the cab where it is more private. So they do and have a real good snog with tongues as well. Then afterwards when they are driving along again the lorry driver says that he has a confession to make. He is not a Catholic he is a Protestant, he has got three children and 22 is married. The nun replies that she has a confession to make as well. She says, I m not a nun at all. My name is John and I am going to a gay fancy dress party. A man and his wife are celebrating his 40th birthday by having sex in their bedroom. They have had a few drinks and really giving it some with squeals, grunts, shouting and the bed is banging against the wall. The house is a semi and next door their neighbour can t get to sleep for the noise. The neighbour says to his wife I ve got to be up early tomorrow for work. I m not standing for any more of this I m going to report them next door to the Police. A few minutes later a Policeman arrives and knocks on his noisy neighbours door. After a little while the offending couple answer the door. The Policeman says, We have had a complaint about the noise your making, will you come quietly please sir? An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join the Mafia. The Mafia crime lord says to them I want you to blow up two buildings each and then report back to me here tomorrow lunchtime. They go back the next day and the first one in is the Englishman. He says I blew up a multi-storey car park and a school last night under the cover of darkness. The Mafia boss says Good, well done. How many letters are there in the alphabet? 23 The Englishman replies Twenty six. The Mafia boss says, Right you are in. The next into the room is the Scotsman. He says I blew up a disused power station and an empty tower block last night. Good says the Mafia man How many letters are there in the alphabet? The Scotsman replies, There are twenty six. Right says the gangster You are accepted. Then the Irishman enters the room and the Mafia boss says to him How many letters are there in the alphabet? The Irishman replies, There are twenty one. The Mafia crime lord says, I don t know why you think that, there are twenty six. The Irishman retorts No there are only twenty one now because I have just blown up B&Q and MFI. An old man and his son are talking over lunch one day when the son says, Dad you will have to go into a nursing home because my wife and I feel we just can t cope with you and all your different medications any more. Will you try it for a week and see how you get on? The old man replies Alright but I am sure that I won t like it. So he goes into a home and the pair meet again over lunch. The young man says to his father How are you getting on dad? 24 His father replies, It might not be so bad after all. This morning when I woke up I had an erection. Then the nurse came in and she saw it. She said what a shame to waste an erection and asked me if I would like a blowjob. Afterwards she stripped off and jumped into bed with me. It wasn t as if she was a dog either because she was a pretty young blond thing. The son says I ll see you again tonight dad. That night he visits his father and sees that he is quite distressed and his father wants to go home immediately so he asks what has happened to upset him. The old man says I had just had my afternoon tea when I needed to pay a visit to the loo. So I walked along the corridor, stumbled and fell on my hands and knees. Before I could get up a gay male nurse came up behind me and said what a tempting sight Mr Smith. Before I knew what was happening he had pulled my trousers down and jumped me from behind. His son replies Surely you can put up with that occasionally dad if you enjoy yourself with the female nurses? The old man says I have an erection once a blue moon but I fall over a dozen times a day sometimes! 25 There were three potato princesses who were called before their father the King. He said to them Well daughters you are all grown up now and its time you all found someone to marry. Come back and see me when you find yourselves a husband. The days pass and then the first daughter goes back to see her father. Father she says, I have found the man I want to marry. Its King Edward. Her father says, Well done daughter, I approve of the marriage as he is royalty. A few days later the second daughter goes before her father and says Father I have found the man I want to be my husband. He is one of the Jersey Royal s. An excellent choice my dear, Royalty again, I approve. Later that week the third potato princess goes before her father and says Father I have found the man I want to marry. Its Des Lineam. No daughter I will not allow it because he is a common tater. When you are three years old success is not wetting your pants. When you are seventeen years old success is passing your driving test first time. When you are twenty-one success is having sex with a beautiful girl. When you are fifty success is measured by your wealth. 26 When you are sixty success is still being able to have sex with a beautiful woman. When you are seventy success is being able to keep your driving licence. When you are eighty success is being able to get to the toilet quick enough so that you don t wet your pants. There is a magician on board a cruise liner with a talking parrot. Whenever the magician performs a vanishing trick to the audience the parrot always gives the game away by saying It s up his sleeve or Its in his pocket. One day the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. The magician survives and hangs on to a piece of flotsam with his parrot perched on another piece looking at him. The parrot keeps looking at him with one eye sideways until the magician says to it What s the matter with you? The parrot replies Alright I give up, where is it? Where have you hidden the ship? An 8 years old boy comes home from school looking puzzled and his dad asks him what is the matter. The little boy replies Dad some of the boys were talking at school today about pussies and cunts. What is the difference? 27 Well son you had better come with me and with that he leads the boy upstairs to his mothers bedroom where she is sleeping. Then the boy s father pulls the sheet back and lifts up her nightdress and says, You see that furry bit? That is a pussy. The little boy says, Can I stroke it? No His father replies, You will wake the c-nt up. An Irishman goes to the doctors and says Doctor I can t cope with my wife s sexual demands. What can I do? The doctor replies Run 5 miles every day and then after a week phone me and tell me how you are getting on." Seven days goes by and the man phones the doctor. How are things with your wife? asks the doctor. The man replies I don t know, I have not seen her replies the man I m staying in a B&B 35 miles from home. A young man is eating a meal in a pub when an old couple come in and order one meal. They ask for another plate and 28 knife and fork. When the meal comes the old man divides the meal between himself and his wife. The young man goes over to them and says, I don t wish to seem rude but I could not help noticing that you only bought one meal between you. Would you like me to buy you another one so that you can have one each? The old man replies It s alright son, we believe a marriage should be built on equality and sharing. So ever since we got married we have shared everything, every penny we have had and every meal. The young man goes back and sits down, then he sees that the old woman is not eating so he asks her Aren t you hungry, perhaps I can get you something else? No she replies, this is fine I can t eat yet because it s his turn to have the teeth. A black man and a white man are talking together in a pub when they both decide to go for a piss so they carry on talking and go together. The white man says Is it true that black men have long dicks? The black man replies Yes it is and flops it out. The white man says, Cor that is long, how can I get mine to be like that? I ll tell you, says the black man Tie a string round it and hang a bag of cement on the string. Then we ll meet back at the pub in a week to see how you are getting on. I ll do that, says the white man. 29 A week later they meet and the black man says, Have you had any success? Well sort of says the white man My dick has gone black like yours. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are walking along the beach one day when they see a mermaid sitting on the sand. The Englishman says to her Have you ever been kissed by a man? No she replies, What s it like? I ll show you says the Englishman and with that he has a good snog with her. That was wonderful, She says. Then the Scotsman says to the mermaid Have you ever been fingered? No she replies, What s that mean? I ll show you, says the Scotsman and with that he shoves his fingers up inside her and has a good grope. Oh says the mermaid That was just out of this world. Then the Irishman says to the Mermaid Have you ever been f--k-d? 30 No She replies. The Irishman says Well you have now because the tide has gone out." Two fishermen are doing some late night fishing on a riverbank. One is a black man on one bank and one a white man on the other bank. They both decide to have a piss in the river at the same time and the white man calls across Is it true that black men have got long dicks? The black man replies Yes it is true, why do you ask? The white man thinks to himself I ll wind him up, so he says, I ve got a long dick myself. I ll tell you what this river water is cold on the end of my dick. Yes replies the black man And it s deep as well. A man has just bought a new Mercedes car and is showing it off to his to his Irish mate when his mate asks, What is that little thing for that is sticking up on the end of the bonnet? Oh that is the emblem. You use it to line up the car when you are trying to hit a cyclist. 31 That is a good idea, says his mate Those cyclist are a nuisance. Then he takes them for a drive to show off his new car when he sees a cyclist. So he says Look I m aiming for that cyclist in front of us. Then at the last second he swerves and misses him. Damn he says, I missed him. This happens several times and when he swerves for the fourth time he hears a bang as they go past the cyclist. What was that he says? His mate says Well you keep missing them so I opened the door as we went past and got him with that. A newly married couple are lying in bed talking about sex. He says, We will have to come up with some signs about when we want sex instead of talking all the time. She says, When you don t want sex touch my left breast. When you do want sex touch my right breast. He says Alright. When you do want sex pull my penis once. When you don t want sex pull my penis 100 times. A Farmer and his wife are arguing about money. He says to her If you had bigger breasts we could get rid of one of the cows. She replies, If you had a bigger dick we could get rid of the tractor driver. 32 A man is in the pub talking to his mate who he asks, Do you know how I can get my tomatoes to ripen? His mate replies Yes, take all your clothes off and walk round your greenhouse in the nude every day. And that will ripen my tomatoes? Yes it works for me every time says his mate. The next week they meet again and his mate ask him Did you get your tomatoes to ripen? Yes he says, it worked a treat. Later on that evening he is talking to a young woman when she says, Do you know how I can get my tomatoes to ripen? He replies, Yes, my mate told me the other week. Take all your clothes off and walk round your greenhouse in the nude every day. She says And that will ripen my tomatoes? Yes he replies My mate told me about it the other week and I got mine to ripen straight away. I ll try it then She says. Next week they meet up again and he asks the young woman 33 Did you get your tomatoes to ripen? No She say It s funny that, they didn t but you should see the size of my cucumbers though. A woman wants to become a nun and she is appearing before the religious panel of clergy. They say to her Well to become a nun you have got to be a virgin. She replies, I am. Then the cleric says to her I though you said you had been married? Yes she replies Three times. Well how can you be a virgin then? Well my first husband was a sex therapist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. A stamp collector? I don t understand. All he wanted to do was lick it. Two young nuns go into an off licence and ask for a bottle of vodka. The man in the shop says I don t think I should sell a bottle of vodka to you nuns. One of the nuns says, It s for Mother Superior s constipation. Vodka for constipation, I have never heard that. He says. 34 The nun says, Would I lie to you, I m a nun? Alright then he says and the two nuns walk out of the shop with the vodka. Later on that morning the shopkeeper has to nip out of his shop on an errand and he sees the two young nuns rolling about on the pavement roaring drunk. He says to them I thought that the vodka was for Mother Superior s constipation? One of the nuns replies it is, wait till she sees the state we are in, she will shit herself. A man goes to a brothel for the first time and says to the madam What can I have for £10? She says We haven t got anything that cheap I m afraid you ll have to come back when you have got some more money. The next week the man goes back clutching £20 and asks what he can have for that. The woman replies, We have not got much but if you go into the end room down that corridor there is a hen. You can have sex with that if you like. If you are not satisfied you can have your money back. The man says Well I am not sure but I ll give it a go now that I m here. So he goes into the room and tries 35 it out but is not satisfied so he goes back to the madam after a while and asks for his money back. Come back when you have got some more money she says The next week he returns with £30 and asks again what he can have. The madam says Go into that room there and you will see two lesbians having sex in the next room through a two way mirror. So he enters the room and it is packed with men smoking. He sits at the back and he can just see through the two-way mirror and see the two lesbians but not very well. It s so smokey that he gets fed up peering through the gloom and coughing so he says to the man next to him This isn t very good is it? No the man replies You should have been here last week it was very funny because there was some pervert trying to have sex with a hen. A man is sitting in his bedroom talking to his girlfriend and he tells her that he has had his penis tattooed. Do you want to see it? he asks her. Alright she says. So he flops it out. Then she says, I can t read the writing. Bend down and get closer to it. Try giving it a rub. He says. So she does and it swells but she still can t read it, so he says, Give it a lick. 36 Then she says I can read it now, and she sees that the writing says I love you. Then she says, I think you are trying to put words into my mouth. Everything is re-cycled nowadays. Telephone directories, Newspapers and even Cheque Books are made from re- cycled paper. What shook me the other day was the small print I saw on a pack of Toilet Rolls. It said, Made from re-cycled paper. Well I don t know what you do with your toilet paper when you have wiped your bottom on it but I flush it down the toilet. So how do they Re-cycle it? Do the sewage workers stand at the side of the outlet pipes with fishing nets catching it as it comes past? Oh, look there goes a nice bit of pink paper I ll have that. And how do they re-cycle it when they have caught it, I mean to put it bluntly its covered in shit. It makes the mind boggle. A man goes up to the bar and says to the Landlord You see that glass over there on that table. Well I bet you £200 that I can pee in it from here and fill it without spilling a drop. The Landlord says, Go on then, you re on. So the man unzips his trousers and 37 flops it out. Then he lets rip and it goes all over the table, the bar and even the Landlords face. In fact it goes everywhere but in the glass. The Landlord laughs wiping it off his face and says That is £200 you owe me, pay up. Certainly says the man Here you are, it s a pleasure doing business with you. What are you so happy about? says the Landlord You have just lost £200. Well says the man I bet those men over there at the pool table £500 that I could pee on your bar and even on you and you would not get mad, but would laugh about it. What is the difference between a naked woman lying on a bed with her legs open and a policeman with a radar gun? With a naked woman you can see the c-nt behind the bush. Three newly married couples stay at the same hotel in adjacent rooms. The first couple go to bed and get undressed. The man seeing his wife naked for the first time says My what a fine pair of big tits you have. And his new 38 wife slaps him hard across the face, so he goes out onto the balcony and sits down. The second couple go to bed and the man sees his wife naked for the first time and says My what a great big arse you have. He gets his face slapped and so he goes out onto the balcony where he sees the man next door and they talk. Suddenly from the third room they hear an almighty slap and the third newly wed man comes out onto his balcony. The first man says to him Did you put your foot in it as well? I could have done! he replies. The Toy maker is chatting to Pinocchio and he asks him if he has ever had a girlfriend. Pinocchio replies Yes, I have had lots but when I have sex with them they all complain that they get splinters in their fannies. Is there any thing you can do about it? The Toy maker says, Yes, I ll get you some sandpaper. He does this and then says to Pinocchio When you go to bed tonight, rub your prick with this and it should remove the splinters and make it smooth. 39 Next week the Toy maker sees Pinocchio again and says to him Did you rub your prick with the sandpaper like I said and how are you getting on with the girls now? Pinocchio replies Yes I did, who wants girls when you have got a piece of sandpaper? An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman go for a job interview. The Englishman has his interview and the man says to him You have done very well but there is one question that I must ask you. How many Ls are there in The Can Can? The Englishman looks at him and replies, There aren t any. Very good says the interviewer You have got the job. The Scotsman goes in, has his interview and is asked the same question. He replies There aren t any Ls in The Can Can . Then the Irishman goes in for his interview. The interviewer says to him Well you have done alright but there is one question that I must ask you before I give you the job. How many Ls are there in The Can Can ? The Irishman replies, I don t know can I have some time to think about it? 40 Yes alright, but I can only give you two hours, The interviewer replies. After 2 hours the Irishman goes back and the interviewer asks him Well you have had time to think about it now, how many Ls are there in The Can Can ? The Irishman replies, I have not got the exact figure but there are about 220 Ls. The interviewer says to him I don t understand, explain yourself. The Irishman goes Laa la la la la la laa la. (Sung to the tune of the can can) A little boy sits on a bench next to a man wearing a dog collar. The little boy says Hey Mister, why have you got your shirt on back to front? The man replies, I am a priest, well a father actually. The little boy retorts My dads a father, I am his son, but he does not wear his shirt back to front. The priest replies, I am a father to hundreds of people. The little boy says I know how you can stop that. When you go to bed wear your Y Fronts back to front. An old man and his wife come back from their holiday and go down to the pub. He is getting a bit forgetful and when a 41 friend asks him if he enjoyed his holiday he thinks for a minute and says, Yes, I did. Where did you go? The friend asks. The man thinks for a minute and says, What is the name of that plant that climbs up walls? His friend says, Do you mean Wisteria? No, He replies Not that. Honeysuckle then, No, Says the old man. Do you mean Ivy then? says his friend. Yes, that s the one. Ivy, Calls the old man to his wife. Where did we go on holiday? Have you heard the latest idea? They are training Shetland Ponies to act as guides for blind people. They say they are intelligent and live a lot longer than dogs. Can you imagine getting into a taxi with one though? Excuse me mate you take guide dogs in your car don t you? Yes of course but that isn t a guide dog. It s fully trained it will sit on the seat next to me. F k Off that s a pony. If you want to go somewhere why don t you ride it. ? What about if you went into a shop. 42 Shopkeeper Didn t you see the sign. No dogs allowed in this shop. It s alright mate this is not a dog, the sign did not say anything about ponies. Imagine carrying a Poop-a scoop for it. You would need a full size shovel and never mind a little baggy you would need a carrier bag. An old man goes to the doctors and asks for some Viagra. The doctor says, "Yes, of course you can have some at your age. I will write you out a prescription." The old man asks him "Can I have the tablets cut up into quarters please." The doctor replies, "They wont give you much of an erection like that." The old man says "I don't want to be able to have sex I just want it stiff enough so that I don't pee on my feet." I know a young lad who plays darts and is not very good. Of course he is at a disadvantage to every body else because while most people throw from 7 feet 9 1/4 inches he throws from about 10 feet. He doesn't want to but he has 43 size 15 feet! Give him a red nose and he would pass for a clown. Still I suppose he saves money on winter holidays, as he would not need to hire skis. I was at a match the other night and was in a rough pub when a middle-aged couple came in and saw the darts match going on. The man said, "Lets watch the professionals playing darts." I replied "We are not pro's but a lot of the women watching this game are." I left soon after that comment! A teenage girl is staying with her grandma and she gets ready to go out for the evening. When she comes downstairs she is wearing a see though blouse and no bras. Her grandma says to her "You're not going out dressed like that are you?" "Yes, grandma" the girl replies "It's all the fashion now to dress like this. I'm showing off my two rose buds." The grandma sighs and says, "It's the times we live in I suppose." The next day the girl is waiting for some of her friends to come round when she sees her grandmother enter the room wearing a see through blouse and no bras. The girl says, 44 "You can't dress like that grandma, I've got some friends coming round in a bit." The grandma replies, "If you can show off your rose buds I can show off my hanging baskets." A man goes into a strange pub and starts chatting to some of the local darts players when they ask him if he wants a game. He says "I have never played a game of darts before but I will give it a go if you tell me what to do." After playing for about an hour he has not lost a single game and has hit some fantastic shots. One of the players says to him "I thought you had never played before?" The man replies "No I haven't, but there are a lot of flies in my flat and I have got some old darts which I throw at them and pin them to the wall." "No wonder you are so good then if you can do that. But doesn't it make a mess on the wall?" "Not really" replies the man "Because I only pin them by their back legs." Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee are doing a magic show in a packed hall when Paul asks if there is anybody in the 45 audience who can do a magic trick or an illusion. One man puts his hand up and shouts out "I can do an illusion." Paul gets him up on the stage and asks him if he needs any props. The man replies, "Some strong string, a chair and Debbie McGee." Paul says that's fine and tells him to go ahead with the illusion. The man tells Debbie to bend over the chair and then ties her to it so she is fast. The he pulls her knickers down and starts to fuck her. Paul says "Just a minute that is not an illusion or a trick." "No," the man replies "But it is f--k-ng magic!" There is a little robin flying along when the weather changes for the worse and it starts to freeze. It gets colder and colder and eventually the little bird freezes solid and drops to the ground. The bird lies on the ground for a while frozen solid when along comes a cow and it shits on the little bird. The cowpat is warm and gradually the little bird thaws out and comes back to life. The robin pokes its head up out of the cowpat and starts singing, happy to be alive although it is still covered in cow shit. The noise attracts a passing cat that picks up the little bird and wipes off the cow shit. Then the cat eats the robin. There are two lessons to be learned from this story; Not everybody who shits on you is your enemy. Not everybody who gets you out of the shit is your friend. The moral of this little story is if you are up to your neck in shit but are reasonably happy then keep your gob shut. 46 My dotty old mother recently bought a hat for gardening outside in the summer. On the brim it said "Lady Gardener." My comment was that it should say "Barmy Gardener" and then I hastily added that it should say "Balmy Gardener" because she always gardens when the weather is balmy. A Golf Pro is teaching a young woman how to play golf and it is her first lesson. The pro tells her to hold the club firmly and says to her Hold the club as if you were holding your husbands penis and then swing the club and hit the ball. She does as he says and the ball goes straight down the fairway. The Pro says to her Very good, an excellent shot, now take the club out of your mouth and try again. I know someone who had a bad car accident where he was badly hurt. He was unable to get out of the wrecked car on his own because of his injuries but fortunately two cars stopped to help. One contained a French family on holiday called the Ghoulies and the other an English family called the Smiths. Fortunately he was pulled out by the Smiths and not by the French family. My elderly mother loves to have the birds in the garden and does everything she can to encourage them. Some 47 people think she is a bitch but she is better than any dog at sending off the cats that plague our garden. Her eyesight is not very good but if I see one I shout Cats! and she goes rushing to the back door and out into the garden to chase them off. A woman on a golf course is hit by a stray golf ball and collapses onto the ground. The man she was playing with rushes to the nearest phone box and dials for an ambulance. The woman at the other end of the phone asks, Where was the woman hit by the golf ball? The man replies Between the first and second hole. The ambulance woman says, That does not leave much room for a bandage does it. I live in the country so I keep a few Chickens; I ve got 6 Hens and 3 Cockerels. Well the other day I went into feed them and one of my cocks was missing and the door was not secure. Later that morning I went to church and it was full. After the sermon I asked the vicar if I could have a quick word with everybody and he agreed. I spoke up and said, Has anybody got a Cock? Al the men stood up. I ll try that 48 again I thought. Has anybody had a Cock? All the women stood up. This is all wrong, I ll try again. Has anybody had a cock that does not belong to them? Half the women stood up. Bugger me this is hopeless I thought. I ll try one last time. Has anybody seen my cock? All the Choirboys stood up. I quietly left. 3 Surgeons were talking about their successes. The first said A man came to me who had cut off all his fingers with a chainsaw. I did such a good job of sewing them back on that he became a concert pianist. The second then piped up That s nothing, a man had lost both his legs in a car accident and after I had sewed them back on he went on to play football for England. The 3rd said, I can beat that. A man ran into the back of a horse and all that was left was his head and the horses arse. I sewed the head to the arse and now he is the Prime Minister of England! A man has tried all sorts of diets and been to Weight Watchers without any success so when he sees a new advert guaranteeing weight loss he jumps at the idea. He sends off his cheque and then one day he hears the doorbell go. When he answers it he sees quite an attractive young 49 lady standing at the door stark naked except for a placard on her chest which says If you can catch me you can have your way with me. She runs off and he starts chasing her. By the end of the week he has lost 10lbs, feels much fitter and on the last day he catches the girl. He has his way with her and thinks this is a great way to lose weight. The next week he decides he would like to lose another 20lbs so he sends off his cheque and waits for the doorbell. Eventually there is a ring at his door and he opens it to see a very beautiful longhaired young blond girl. Again she has a placard round her neck that says If you can catch me you can have your way with me. Off they run and by the end of the week he has lost 20lbs and caught the young lady. He has his way with her and thinks I ll try to lose 30lbs next week so he sends off his letter and then waits for the doorbell. Eventually it rings and he opens the door expectantly only to see a large athletic young man standing at the door stark naked except for a placard that reads If I can catch you I can have my way with you. A mans body parts were having a discussion. The blood said, I should be in charge because I carry the oxygen round the body to make it work. The stomach said No I should be in charge because I process all the food and without me the body would starve. 50 The legs said But without me to carry the body round none of you could do anything. The eyes said, True, but I should be in charge because without me the body could not see to do anything at all. The rectum said My job s the most important because I expel al the bodily wastes. With this all the body parts laughed so the rectum refused to work any more and shut down. Within a few days the eyes were watering, the stomach was bloated, the legs were wobbly and the blood was poisoned so all the body parts had a meeting and agreed that the rectum should be in charge. The moral of this story is no matter what you do in life, however important your job is it is always the arsehole that is in charge. I read about a motorist in Scotland who was charged with driving at 729 miles per hour. He said I now my Fiesta is a good little car but there is no way that it would go that fast. It turned out that the speed camera had caught a low flying jet plane in its radar. The serious part is that the radar had activated the automatic defences on the plane. Fortunately it was a British plane because if it had been American he would have fired first and asked questions later. You can 51 imagine the policeman going back to the station. Serge the radar is broken. Where was it and what have you done to it? It was not my fault Serge, it was in the car when it was hit by a missile from an American fighter plane. The Beer Prayer Our Lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk) At home as in the tavern, Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, And lead us not into incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers, For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen. A zoo is closing down and selling off all of its animals. All that is left is a Zebra. A farmer comes along and says, I have got lots of fields that she can run round in, I ll have her. The farmer takes the Zebra home and lets her out into a field then says to the Zebra There is lots of other animals you can talk to. Go and introduce yourself. So the 52 Zebra goes off and sees this little brown thing pecking at the ground. The Zebra says Hello. What are you? I m a chicken. Hello, I m a Zebra and what do you do around here? I lay eggs so the farmer can have a nice boiled egg for breakfast. That s good, it was nice to meet you. The Zebra wanders off to meet someone else. Then she comes across a big black and white thing. What are you says the Zebra? I m a cow. Hello I m a Zebra and what do you do? Well I produce a lot of milk so that the farmer can have a nice hot cup of coffee or tea with some milk in to warm him up from working outside after looking after us animals. That s good, says the Zebra. Well I must go, it was nice to meet you. Then the Zebra spots a little white furry thing eating the grass. Hello says the Zebra I m a Zebra what are you? I m a sheep it replies. And what do you do? 53 The farmer cuts my thick fleece and his wife spins it and then she knits the wool to make sweaters to keep her family warm in the cold weather. That s good, says the Zebra. It was nice to meet you and then she wanders off. Next the Zebra spots a big black thing galloping round the field. The Zebra says I m a zebra what are you? I m a stallion it replies. The Zebra says And what do you do? The stallion replies, Get those f--k-ng stripey pyjamas off and I ll show you! Paddy is on Millionaire and Chris asks him For £64,000 who was the Great Train Robber? Was it A: Ronnie Barker. B: Ronnie Corbett. C: Ronnie Lane. Or D: Ronnie Biggs. Paddy thinks for a minute and says, I think I ll take the money, I don t want to answer that. Chris says Are you sure you don t want to answer that? Yes Replies Paddy I ll take the money thank you. The next day Paddy is in the pub with his mates and one of them asks him why he did not answer the question. You must have known the answer, he says. Of course I knew it was Ronnie Biggs. But I m no grass. He replies. 54 There are two dogs in the vets, a Terrier and a big Alsatian. The Alsatian asks the Terrier what he is in for. The Terrier says There is a lovely little Dachshund next door and I got her pregnant. She had seven little puppies but they were all funny looking. The people were annoyed so I am going to be castrated. What are you in here for? Well says the Alsatian, I have a beautiful blonde mistress and she was getting ready to have a bath the other day. She was stark naked and bending over the bath putting the plug in when I went upstairs and saw her. So, I jumped her, and you know, gave her one. The Terrier asks Are you here to be castrated as well then? No Replies the Alsatian I m here to have my claws clipped. Two women go out for the evening to a bingo night and walk home. On the way one says to the other I need a shit. The other replies Now you mention it, so do I. Lets go in the church yard behind the 55 gravestones, there will be no one there at this time of night. Good idea says the first, so they do their business and then one says We ve got no toilet paper, so I ll have to use my knickers. They are old ones so I can throw them away afterwards. The other woman says, I m not using my knickers. They are new ones and they were expensive. There is wreath on that fresh grave with a big ribbon on it so I ll use that to wipe my bottom. The next night their husbands are talking in the pub and one says to the other I don t now what my wife got up to last night but she came home with no knickers on. The other replies You should worry, when my wife got into bed last night she had a card stuck to her bottom that read; We ll miss you, from all the lads at the Fire Station. Three girls with old-fashioned names, Felicity, Flo and Fanny have all got big feet and can t get a boyfriend. Fanny has got the biggest feet, absolutely enormous they are and they put every one off. One night they all go out and Fanny is sitting in a corner while her two sisters are chatting up two boys. The boys say we like girls with big feet, the bigger the better. The two girls say we have both got big feet but you should see our fanny s. I was talking to a blond girl the other night and while I was talking to her she kept sneezing. She was shaking and 56 having convulsions every time that she sneezed. I said to her That looks bad, are you alright Yes I m fine. To be honest every time that I sneeze I have an orgasm. That sounds serious I said Are you taking anything for it? Yes she replied, I am taking sneezing powder A little pig goes into a pub and asks for glass of water. After he has drunk it he asks for the toilet and later leaves. A little while later a second little pig goes into the pub and asks for two glasses of water. Then it asks for the toilet and leaves. A third piglet goes in and has three glasses, goes to the toilet and then a fourth piglet does the same. Finally a fifth piglet enters the pub and has five glasses of water. Then it goes to leave and the barman says Don t you want the toilet? The piglet replies No, haven t you heard, I m the little pig that goes wee, wee, wee, all the way home. An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. What 57 majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear was right on top of him reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment the man cried out Oh my God. Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped flowing. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, You deny my existence for all your years, teach others that I don t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? The atheist looked directly into the light, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a 58 Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian. Very well, the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke. Lord, for the food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful. An Irishman gets on a bus after a heavy drinking session in the pub. He sits down and starts to read an old newspaper that he finds on the seat and as he is reading it a priest gets on the bus and sits next to him. The priest smells the beer on the Irishman and sees that he is the worse for drink and shakes his head. Then the Irishman speaks to the priest and asks him Father, do you know what causes arthritis? The priest looks at him and answers Yes my son, the sins of the flesh, too much beer and too much sex. Why do you ask? Do you suffer from arthritis? Oh no Replied the Irishman But I was just reading in this paper that the Pope has arthritis. 59 A middle-aged man of 47 decides to have a face-lift. He spends a fortune and has his nose done, his double chin, his eyes, the lot. After he has the bandages removed he says to the young nurse attending him How old do you think I am? The nurse looks thoughtful and says I don t think you look a day over 35. This pleases the man and he says, That is great, I am 47 you know. After he has left the hospital he walks across the grounds and sees a young man coming towards him. He stops him and asks him Excuse me, but how old do you think I am? The young man says after some thought, I would say about 36 or 37. That s great, says the middle aged man I am 47 you know Then he decides to get a something to eat so he goes in a burger bar, queues up and buys a burger to take out. While he is being served he asks the girl behind the counter How old do you think I am? She pauses in her busy routine and says Oh, I should think about 35 60 That s great the middle aged man says, I am 47 you know Then he leaves and goes over to the bus stop nearby. He eats his burger and an old lady joins him waiting for the next bus. He asks her How old do you think I am? She says, I have got an infallible way of telling how old young men are, but to do it I have to put my hand down their trousers. The middle-aged man looks round and there is nobody about. He is in a good mood after his successful operation so he consents and replies Yes, all right then. The old lady puts her hand down the front of his trousers and has a good feel around. This goes on for about 5 minutes then the man says, Have you reached a conclusion about how old I am? The old lady says, Yes, I am sure that you are 47. The man is taken aback and asks, That s remarkable, how did you find that out? Oh, it was easy really, I was behind you in the queue when you bought your burger a few minutes ago. Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a 61 spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, Why the spoon? Well, he explained, the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now. I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right 62 there? Oh, certainly! Then he lowered his voice. Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. After you get it out, how do you put it back? Well, he whispered, I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. A man goes to a pet shop and says to the assistant I want to buy a talking parrot. The assistant says, I am sorry but I have just sold the last talking parrot, but I have got a woodpecker that I could let you have. But can he talk? the customers asks. No replies the pet shop man But he is good at Morse code. A man has been on a safari expedition and he is talking about his trip in the pub. I was chased by a lion you know, he says. I ran away from him as fast as I could but he kept getting closer. Then when he was almost upon me 63 and I could smell his breath he slipped and I managed to get away from him. He followed me again and nearly caught me. Then when I could feel his breath on me he slipped again and I managed to get up a tree away from him. His friend says, I would have been terrified. If that had been me I would have shit myself. What do you think the lion kept slipping on? His friend replied. There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with 64 rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, and life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!" "Ees... a.... Ham bush." A man goes to his doctor and complains to him Doctor, I can t stop singing Green, Green, Grass of home. What s wrong with me? The Doctor replies, "You have the Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it a very rare complaint? The man asks. The Doctor said, It s not unusual. The Mother Superior at a Catholic Convent School was talking to a little girl there and she asked her What do you want to be when you grow up? 65 The little girl replied, I really want to be a prostitute. The Mother Superior exclaimed Oh, my goodness. The little girl said I am sorry if I have shocked you Mother Superior, but I like men and I really want to have sex and be paid for it. I really want to be a prostitute. The Mother Superior replies, Oh, thank goodness for that, for one terrible moment I thought you said you want to be a Protestant. Why are babies nappies and politicians the same? Because they both need changing regularly .and both for the same reason because they are both full of shit! A family is sitting round the dinner table when the son asks his father, Dad, how many different types of breasts are there? His dad says Well son, there are three distinct types of breasts. When a woman is in her twenties her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty they are like onions. Like onions dad, why is that? 66 You see them and they make you cry. The mother and daughter were cross about the comments so the daughter said, Mum, how many kinds of penises are there? Her mother smiled and replied, Well dear there are 3 kinds. When a man is in his twenties his penis is like an Oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties to forties it is like a Birch, flexible but reliable. After he is fifty his penis is like a Christmas tree. I don t understand. Says the daughter. Well, replies the mother It s dead from the roots up and the balls are for decoration only. A man takes his wife to play golf for the first time and on the first tee his wife hits the ball and slices it towards the expensive houses nearby. The ball sails into a large 67 window, smashing it to smithereens. The man says to his wife We had better go and apologise. They go to the house and knock on the door. It is answered by a butler who takes them into the room with the broken window where they see an expensive looking vase has also been broken by the golf ball. I m very sorry about the window and vase, says the golfer to a man sitting in the room. We will of course pay for the damage. No problem, replies the man. Actually I am very grateful to you. I am a Genie and I have been trapped in that vase for 3,000 years. You have just set me free. I can grant you 3 wishes, one each and if you don t mind I d like to keep the third one for myself. Great says the golfer. For my wish I would like to have a million pounds a year paid to me for the rest of my life without having to work. Granted Says the Genie. The man s wife says I would like to have a mansion with servants, in every country of the world. Granted, says the genie. For my wish I would like to have sex with your wife. The couple talk it over and agree that it is not a bad price to pay for their new found wealth so the wife agrees to the Genies request. They go upstairs and 68 have mad sex for three hours. While lying on the bed exhausted the Genie says to the woman One thing puzzles me. How old are you? The woman replies 36 years old, Why? Well says the man I am surprised you still believe in genies. A man goes to the Doctor and says Doctor, I have got something wrong with my bottom, can you have a look at it for me? The Doctor says Yes of course, drop your trousers for me will you. The man does and the doctor looks up his bottom. My goodness Exclaims the doctor There is a ten pound note lodged up inside. Well don t just stand there looking at it, says the man Pull it out. The doctor pulls it out and then a twenty pound note appears followed by another twenty and then another and so on. Eventually the doctor pulls out the last and says to the man Well that is the last, there are no more up there. The man says That feels better and then asks Doctor how much money is there altogether? The doctor counts it and replies There is exactly £1,990. 69 The man says I thought there would be, I knew that I was not feeling Two Grand. A company was holding a convention in London one year. There were 3 Scotsman and 3 Englishmen travelling from their Birmingham office to London and back. The Englishmen had all bought tickets and were talking about how expensive they were but the Scotsmen had only bought one ticket between them. The Englishmen started laughing at how the Scotsmen would get caught and have big fines to pay. Suddenly one of the Scotsmen shouted out Here comes the Ticket inspector! with that they all rushed to the bathroom and shut the door. When the inspector came round for the tickets he knocked on the door and said Ticket please. With that a ticket was passed under the door and he moved on. The Englishmen felt really silly as they could have got away with buying only one ticket. On the return journey the Englishmen only bought one ticket between them. The Scotsmen did not buy a single ticket and the Englishmen were puzzled. When the lookout shouted Conductor coming. The Englishmen dived into the bathroom and shut the door. Then before the real inspector came one of the Scotsmen knocked on the door and said Ticket please. 70 Three office staff go out for lunch one day, two telephone sales people and the office manager. On the way to the restaurant one of the sales staff sees a brass lamp lying in a skip. They pick it up and rub it for luck but a genie appears. The Genie says I normally give 3 wishes but as there are 3 of you I will give you one wish each. The first person says I would like to spend the rest of my life as a millionaire living a life of luxury in the Bahamas. The second sales person says I want to be a millionaire with a life of luxury in Florida relaxing with a beautiful blond by my side. The Genie turns to the manager and asks What is your wish? The Manager replies I want those two back in the office and working after lunch. A man and his wife are asleep in bed one night when they are woken by a loud knock on the door. Sleepily the man 71 gets up and opens it. Standing in the doorway in the pouring rain is a bedraggled man who says Can you give me a push? The sleepy man replies Get lost it s 3 o clock in the morning and raining. Then he goes back to bed and his wife, who, tells him off. Don t you remember how those two men helped us when we broke down in the middle of the night in the rain 3 months ago? You should be ashamed of yourself. Go and give that poor man a push. The man reluctantly gets out of bed and puts on a coat. He opens the door and walks down the path in the rain and calls out Are you still there, do you still want a push? Yes please, came the reply. Where are you? Over here on the swing, replies the drunk. A man is going to bed with his new girlfriend for the first time and they start getting undressed. He takes off his shoes and socks and she looks at his feet and laughs. Your feet are all misshapen and funny looking she says. Yes he replies, I had a bad case of Tolio when I was younger. Don t you mean Polio? she replies. No, Tolio. It is a very rare disease. I m over it now but it left my feet all sort of funny and misshapen. Then he takes off his trousers and the girl laughs again. Your Knees are all funny and misshapen, she says. 72 Yes I know, I had Kneesels when I was younger. Don t you mean Measels? the girl asks. No he says. Kneesels, it s very rare but it left my knees all knobbly and deformed. Then he takes off his underpants and the girl laughs again. What s funny now? he asks. Don t tell me the girl says I bet you had Smallcox. When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. 73 After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?" A man goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service? "Yes" he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years" The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment". The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"? The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off". The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM. The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A M" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that" 74 President Bush visits a school and the teacher asks him to give an illustration of the importance of the correct use of words. Mr Bush says to the class Give me a sentence showing that you know the meaning of the word Tragedy. The whole class thinks and then one little boy puts up his hand and says Please sir, I Know. It would be a tragedy if I fell over in the classroom and sprained my ankle. Mr Bush replies No, that would be unfortunate but it would not be a tragedy. Someone else perhaps has the answer. A little girl pipes up If the school bus full of pupils on a school trip, ran off the road and went over a cliff killing everyone. That would be a tragedy. No. Replies Mr Bush That would be an accident but it would not be a tragedy. A small boy shouts out I know Mr President. If you were in Air Force One and it was shot down by friendly fire. That would be a tragedy. The President says Yes it would. Now explain why. The little boy says Well it would not be unfortunate and it certainly would not be a F-ck-ng accident! 75 Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, when he tripped over the snake and fell down. This of course knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh my" said the bunny" I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth so I can't see where I am going, in fact since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK" replied the snake "Actually my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said "Well you are covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." 76 "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked "Well you're smooth and slippery and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management." Snow White, Tom Thumb and The Hunchback Of Notre Damme are in the pub having a drink. Snow White goes up to the bar to get a round and sees a mirror hanging over the bar. When she goes back to the others she tells them and says I wonder if I am still the fairest of them all. Perhaps I should ask the mirror. So she goes up to the mirror and asks. The mirror says Of course you are the fairest of them all Snow White. 77 Snow White goes back to the others with a smile and Tom Thumb says I wonder if I am still the smallest of them all. So he decides to ask the mirror. The mirror tells him he is still the smallest of them all so he goes back as pleased as punch and tells the others. Then Quasimodo decides to ask if he is still the ugliest of them all so he goes up to the mirror and asks if he is still the ugliest of them all. When he comes back he has got a long face and is upset. Snow White asks him What is wrong, aren t you the ugliest person? The Hunchback Of Notre Damme replies No, and then says Who is this Camilla Parker-Bowles anyway? A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand down to her leg. The nun said, "Father, 78 remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide down to her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way with a backward glance. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory." A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey sighed, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. The turkey was soon spotted by a farmer, who then shot him out of the tree. The moral of this little story is bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 79