A personal help guide to men caught “looking”
August 22, 2000
1.“I can't believe that outfit she is wearing.” (Said disdainfully) 2. “Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.” 3. “I think that's a man dressed as a woman.” (Incredulous) 4. “Isn't that the actress from the movie 'Delicatessen'?” (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her.) 5. “I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case.” 6. “Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!” 7. “I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but it's gone now, thank you very much!” 8. “Hey, that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy, am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.” 9. “I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick.” (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here... maybe it will camouflage your drool). 10. “I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you.” (this one might only get you punched, but it's worth a try). 11. "I was only window shopping!" I window shop all the time. I think there's
nothing wrong with it, providing you don't take up your option to "buy". 12. It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.