The trouble with being in the rat race is... Even if you win, you're still a rat! Heard about the new sushi bar for lawyers? It's called Sosumi! If you can stay calm, while all around you is in chaos ... then you probably haven't understood the whole situation. What do you call a sheep that does housework? A threat to women everywhere! To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Why do little girls whine? Because they're practising to be women! In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why did the woman cross the road? That's not the issue. Why wasn't she in the kitchen!! What goes 'Oooo, Oooo, Oooo'? A cow with no lips! What's Beethoven doing in his grave? De-composing! If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom? European! Did you hear about The Seven Dwarfs' hot tub party? Everyone was feeling bashful, so Bashful got out! What's seven inches long and begins with a 'P'? A shit! Life is a like prostitute...... .....First it screws you......Then it makes you pay for it What lies on the ground one hundred feet in the air? A sunbathing centipede! What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An Egg! One ship full of red paint collided with another ship full of purple paint... The last words of the crew were thought to be 'marooned'! Did you hear about the two fleas who won the Lotto?
They bought a dog in Spain! What is the difference between an England football thug and a lemming? Not much, but lemmings have been known to display simple deductive thought processing skills.... What is long and hard and fucks blondes? An IQ test! What is the definition of confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say 'You're next!' What is the difference between a sheep and a door? You can't bang a door in the middle of a field! What is a lesbian? Just another woman trying to do a man's job! Man walks into a bar with his cat. He says to the bar man,'Bet you £100 my cat's a blacksmith!'. The barman thinks easy money and accepts the bet. The man shoves a hot poker up the cat's arse and it makes a bolt for the door! What's the difference between a mugger and a Peeping Tom? A mugger snatches watches What do you get when you cross a prostitute and a piranha? Your very last blow job. What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil? You must be new around here! If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first! Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is fuckin' nuts. A man went to the Police Station wishing to had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know without waking my wife. I've been trying to speak with the burglar who Desk Sergeant. how he got into the house do that for years!"
A Mexican, a black man, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a good-looking girl comes up to them and says "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me". So the white guy says" I love liver and cheese". she says "that's not good enough". The black man says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's not creative", And then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine". NO WORRIES! Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to
overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore." "I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since." "A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?" "That's his problem." Bill Gates and the president of Dodge were attending a Q & A session during a business seminar. In answering a question from the audience, Gates boasted about the innovations his company had made. "If Dodge had kept up with Microsoft, we'd be driving $25 cars that get 1000 miles per gallon." "Yes, I suppose that's true," the Dodge executive agreed. "But would you want your car to crash twice a day?" The Genie A man walking on a beach say a bottle, picked it up, rubbed it, and poof a genie came out and said 'Master I will give you two wishes.' The man thought for a while and said 'I wish I could be hard all the time and I wish I could get all the ass I want.' The genie said 'Your wish is my command' and *poof!* the man turned into a toilet! A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere." The Tampon Remover A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!".