Jokes by ianonline

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									A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, and tells her to put them in the husband's drink - her husband would be a changed man. The woman was very doubtful, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. And that very night they kissed for the very first time in years. The next morning, since she was so impressed, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was orgasmic and lasted for hours. The next day she was planning to put three in his coffee, but the entire contents spilled out. Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. “Hello there, young man. Is your mother in?” “Mum’s dead.” Came the reply. “Is there anyone else there I could talk to? It’s Dr. Hemming here.” “No. I’m the only one here” “Oh. Where’s everyone else?” “My sister left home. The maid’s pregnant. Dad’s on the roof, trying to catch the cat. And my arse hurts.”  A young woman is about to undergo an operation for an in-grown toenail. She's put on a trolley by a nurse and is wheeled along until she’s outside the door of the operating theatre. The nurse then goes inside to make sure everything’s alright. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, gently removes the sheet, and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When a third man starts examining her body, the patient grows impatient. "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" she asked. The man in the white coat looked puzzled. "Don't ask us, love. We're just painting the corridor."  A man was sat in a pub, enjoying an after-work beer, when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman entered. None of the men in the pub could not take their eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do. No matter how kinky or weird. And I'll do it for only a fiver. But with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and counted out five £1 coins, which he pressed sensually into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly said, "Paint my house."  An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so we decided to call him Andrew." "My God, that's amazing!" said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

A confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." Intrigued, the woman asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha-waves to communicate with me telepathically, "he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing underwear!" 007 tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."  A naval boiler stoker goes to Hell. The Devil comes up to him on the first day, and sees him smiling. "What are you so happy about?" says Lucifer. "I just love it here. Its like a spring day in the boiler room." The Devil walks off angry, and decides to get him. "I'll turn the heat all the way up. That'll show him." The next day, The Devil checks back with our hero, only to find him happy once again. "What now?" says the Evil one. "This heat is great! Reminds me of a summer day in the boiler room." The Devil realises that he has been going about it all wrong. "Tomorrow I'm going to make it colder than a Siberian winter." He returns the next day to find the stoker shivering and blue, but grinning from ear to ear. "What could you possibly have to be happy about?" "It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" replied the stoker. "Manchester City must have won the Premier League!"  A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby. When they arrived, the doctor said he had a new machine that would transfer some of the mother's pain to the father. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain tr ansfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband was still fine and wondered why women make such a fuss. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. But when they got home, the milkman was dead on their porch.  A man and a woman are sitting next to each other on a plane when suddenly the man sneezes. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper and takes out his penis. After carefully wiping it, he puts it back and closes the zipper. The woman is shocked, but decides it's best not to say anything. Then there is a second sneeze and the man goes through the same routine. Again, the woman tries to ignore what is going on. But after the third sneeze, she can't help but ask what the hell he thinks he's doing. "Well," says the man, "every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." "Oh, I'm sorry," says the woman. "How terrible for you! Can you take anything for it?" "Oh, yes," replies the man. "Pepper."  The Elmo Misunderstanding A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."  Two old men were sat on a bench in a park when, all of a sudden, a naked young woman runs past. One of them had a stroke, but the other couldn’t reach. 

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