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					TUESDAY TUES
NOVEMBER 25, 2003
89 18 V O L U M E 89 , I S S U E 18 All the news that fits we print. Almost 100 percent new content!
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TO HELL WITH NEWS

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 1
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ONLINE: www.nique.net

A special edition of “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” ESTABLISHED 1911, GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

U[sic]GA student visits Tech, head explodes
By Bubba Buckfutter I’m Still Here The University[sic] is in mourning after a tragic incident that claimed the life of Senior Agricultural Science major Rhet Atad at Georgia Tech on Monday. Atad was visiting Tech in hopes of transferring next fall. Unfortunately, he seems to have underestimated the Institute’s academic rigor. “We believe that Atad accidentally walked into Howey Physics and encountered un-erased portions of the previous day’s lecture on Maxwell’s Laws,” said Porky McCorkle, Athens sheriff. “His brain tried to process the information, but the inter-cranial pressure became too much for him, and his skull simply gave,” McCorkle said. Tech students in class at the time witnessed the grisly scene. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Professor Yang Wang, who was teaching at the time. “His whole head blew clean off,” said first-year Physics major Gene Enius. Strewn across the walls were chunks of a U[sic]GA student’s brain, and a splattering of cerebral fluid and blood decorated nearly the entire blackboard. Atad was visiting Tech along with his goat, whose name is not being released. Sources say the two were staying together at the nearby Marriott. The response from U[sic]GA was both quick and decisive. President Michael Adams dispatched a contigent of sheriff’s deputies to aid in the investigation of Atad’s explosive demise. Tragically, they too met See Head, page 5

Priceless books lost as fire razes library
By Bib Lioteca The pen is mightier In an event that will go down as one of the saddest days in modern history, the library at the U[sic]GA campus burned down last Friday. People from all across Athens gathered around the blaze and wept bitterly as the raging inferno consumed the entire building. This prestigious library was the home to a priceless collection of rare works. In a statement, President Michael Adams assured the good people of Athens that “every step will be taken to bring back this wonderful library and all of it’s learnin’ goodness”. Others were less concerned about the accident. “I’s thinkin’ that this here library ain’t gonna get put back together anytime soon,” said Bubba Sparky, a Poultry Science major. “I think it’s kinda nice actually havin’ a more open space. It looks kinda like a nice big field now since that big ole building is gone,” he said. Most, however, seemed devasSee Bookin’ It, page 5 Lost in the blaze
The last three years of Highlights Highlights. The latest in advanced technical journals, such as Everybody Poops and If You Give a Moose a Muffin. Every copy of Playboy since 1976. Great American classics like Harold and the Purple Crayon, Curious George, and The Bernstein Bears. Some of the most extensive educational material on campus, like One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish; The Cow Goes Moo; Pooh’s Learning Fun House; and Jumpstart on Reading!
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Getting ready for graduation

World-class coloring book collection
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Adams demands larger COCK
President Michael Adams called for an expansion of the College of Computer Knowledge (COCK) earlier this week. “Currently, U[sic]GA’s COCK is far too small,” Adams said. “When I talk to someone like G. Wayne over at Tech, I always feel inferior. I think we need a COCK enlargement.” Some students were worried the expansion would divert funds away from other important programs. “We all know that it’s not the size of the COCK that matters,” said Janie Malanie, an MRS major. “I’m not worried,” Adams said. “I am always willing to dish out big bucks for the largest COCK possible.”

Aerospace program in jeopardy after crash
By Bale O’Hay Cow F!@#er The University’s [sic] brand new Aerospace Science (ASS) program could be shut down before it gets off the ground after the group’s attempt at flight ended in disaster. The inaugural flight attempt was to be made in a hot air balloon, a technology perfected in the 16th century. But this technological leap seems to have been beyond the reach of the ASS. Headmaster of the ASS, Dean Pete Pan explained that the gas used to fill the balloon was not suitable. “We figured, hey we have all these cows just sitting here,” said ASS Master Pan. “So, why not use ‘em?” The attempt at collecting methane gas in a hot air balloon, however, proved disastrous. “We had these tubes hooked up to giant canisters labeled ‘ASS Gas,’ ” Pan said. “But when we tried to put ‘em in the cows’ asses, they got kinda mad.” It has since been posted on the University [sic] website that the insertion of a rubber tube in a cow’s anus is now strictly prohibited. A nearby biology class was subsequently interrupted when the cattle stampeded over their position in the field. The new school was generously donated to the university when a See ‘Loons, page 5

Tragedy strikes the ASS program after an initial attempt at manned flight ends in a crash. Hot air balloons were first used in the 16th century.

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Interactive learning materials such as Playdough, K’Nex, and Legos, as well as an extensive Erector Set collection.
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Video documentaries including every NASCAR race as well as all 15 volumes of Bass Fishing Pro and Expert Deer Hunter.
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By Babwa Wawa/ NOT STUDENT PUBLICATIONS

Bessie the cow marches along with her fellow December graduate candidates. Bessie was part of the initial program started by President Adams last fall to allow U[sic]GA to admit non-human students. Adams is very pleased with the results of the program, as the school’s average GPA has nearly tripled.

Dooley’s Blackshirts threaten revolt
By Silvio Berlusconi Sounds Italian What began as a show of solidarity with outgoing Athletic Director Vince Dooley has grown into a revolutionary movement that threatens to plunge the Bulldawg Nation into civil war. At last Friday’s football game, Dooley’s supporters donned black shirts instead of red to show their support. They were angry because President Michael Adams failed to renew Dooley’s contract. But in the days after the game, peaceful demonstrations have degenerated into rioting and civil unrest. “Together, we will bring down the corrupt Adams dictatorship and install a leadership that promotes See Fascists, page 3

By Hias Akite / REALLY, REALLY HIGH

2 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

TO HELL WITH NEWS

THWUGA: As much about us as them
By Jody Shaw Associate Editor If it’s your first year at Georgia Tech—or if you are a University of Georgia student lucky enough to lay eyes on this issue of the Technique—allow me to introduce you to “To Hell With Georgia,” a very special edition to “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper.” In the next 24 pages you will find alcohol and incest, rednecks and farm animals, and lots and lots of dawgs. I’m often asked how the tradition of THWUGA began. My friends at the University of Georgia say that producing such a “rag,” we Tech students merely perpetuate unfortunate stereotypes—of Athens students as drunken rednecks and ourselves as giant geeks with inferiority complexes—that are no longer as true as they once were. I answer these questions and criticisms the same way each time I hear them; I note that THWUGA is as much about us, as a newspaper and an Institute, as it is about our rivals. Some 92 years ago, the first edition of the Technique published Volume One, Issue One on Nov. 17, 1911. The eight-page tabloid Over the years, the Technique has produced various issues mocking UGA’s daily newspaper, The Red and Black, and the constituency it serves. It’s been called The Rude and Bleak and UGA Today, and its lead story has ranged from airport security classes to Uga V’s sex change operation. But it is not the name of the paper or the content within it that matters most to us; it is the tradition embodied in this issue that we hold dear—a tradition of ingenuity and creativity that binds us together not only as a newspaper staff, but also as a Tech community. For as our founders expressed in their original issue, the name Technique “expresses the purpose and nature of the school and paper as well, perhaps, as it can be expressed in a word.” So enjoy this issue, as it is as much about you, me, Ma Tech and everything that the White and Gold represent as it is about UGA.

U[sic]GA Opinion Talk about it!
Last week’s question garnered 4,751 responses:

What did you do last Friday night?

It is the tradition embodied in this issue that we hold dear.
newspaper focused primarily on the upcoming football contest with Georgia. It predicted, arrogantly and incorrectly, that the Jackets would triumph over the Bulldogs. From these “modest” roots, the present day Technique came into being. And it is these roots that we as a staff honor when we produce “To Hell With Georgia.”

Image by a mythical beast/ GRIFFIN ROCKS

This week’s question: What’s your favorite farm animal?
We don’t really care what you think, so don’t bother responding.

TO HELL WITH NEWS

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 3

Council Clippings A unicameral body

From the files of the U[sic]GA Sheriff ’s Office...

U[sic]GA SGA talks, and talks, and...
By Tammy Burger I like the meat in my buns Tuesday night was a short session for the U[sic]GA student government. Debate on whether or not to provide food for the annual “We Got Culture” festival lasted for more than three hours. The night began when representative Bobo Bojangles presented his idea that the council actually listen to the student body and the opinions of their constituents instead of simply voting based on their own beliefs. However, this idea was promptly rejected by the council. Bojangles was taken outside for his daily beating. “I would think that the largest responsibility we bear as members of student government is to somehow ignore all others and act unilaterally, unaffected by the opinions of our constituents,” President Bubba Atkinson announced. Atkinson then realized that without Bojangles, the council did not have quorum. A badly battered Bobo Bojangles was brought back into the chamber. The biggest bill of the night was for a marathon game of barnyard bingo to be played for 96 straight hours. To win, contestants must correctly guess the gross tonnage of bovine crap the cow will produce. Some representatives argued that the cow, Bessie, should be given away to the winner for his or her pleasure, while argued that the event should benefit the entire school. A bill that received a lot of support council support was a new idea for the Valentine’s Day “date-match” involving genetic testing. The Health Center was volunteering its services and staff to run genetic testing on statistics showing nearly a hundred percent of the student body has subconsciously discriminated against a minority in the last year. Others argued that the cost for food should be much lower than was cited because the squirrels, roadkill and stray barnyard animals that roam campus presented them with a free and easily renewable food source for the festival. “I mean, how do you think we attract all the dirty homeless people that live here on campus?” asked Turf and Environmental Resource Director (TERD) Frank Tinkler. In the end representatives passed the bill due to the fact that they were already running in deficit for the year. “The students will ultimately see a raise in their student-life fees. If they are going to be paying for all of this anyway, then why the heck shouldn’t we give ‘We Got Culture’ money,” said COCK representative Iluv Dedeeck. Vice President of Campus affairs, George Monkey, also announced the creation of an ad hoc committee for safety on campus due to the recent number sexual assaults reported. “Protection of our students is important here. We are hoping that this will silence the women who report these heinous crimes,” Monkey reported. “I know that I, myself, will feel a lot safer to do whatever I please after this has all blown over.” Adams said. He authorized the use of deadly force against the rioters and placed Dooley under arrest. Dooley has denied any involvement with, or support for, the insurgents. He has, however, changed the nameplate on his office door from “Athletic Director” to “Il Duce.”

ATHENS’ MOST WANTED

“I mean, how do you think we attract all the dirty homeless people that live here on campus?”
Frank Tinkler TERD Director

By The Mole/ WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

U[sic]GA’s finest reading last year’s THWUGA issue (It’s real, we swear.) Entering tractor Stolen fake mullet
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Cruelty to Uga
11/21/2003 09:13:00 hrs. LOCATION: The dawghouse INCIDENT: Report that Uga VI was beaten over the head with a baseball bat, tied up in a black bag and tossed off a second-floor balcony.
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Public drunkenness
11/22/2003 07:31:12 hrs. LOCATION: Every dorm on campus INCIDENT: Report that 7,298 students were arrested for being totally wasted before breakfast because kickoff was at noon.
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from page 1

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the glory of U[sic]GA,” said Luigi Portabello, Blackshirt leader. Under Portabello’s direction, the fascist revolutionaries have seized control of the Student Learning Center. Though information is scarce,

reports indicate they are barricading the entrances and are making Molotov cocktails. Adams has requested support from the National Guard. He vowed to put an end to the unrest. “The Bulldawg people will not be intimidated by acts of terrorism,”

Wrong religion
11/21/2003 15:30:45 hrs. LOCATION: BSU INCIDENT: Report that students at the Baptist Student Union identified a non-Baptist. Subject was immediately arrested.

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Fascists

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all the participants in the coming year’s “date-match” so that they could find matches for people on a genetic level. “I think this is an incredible idea,” said Vice President Jesse McMac. “This way, we will be able to match people together with others who have even more in common than just their grandparents.” However, the bill for “We Got Culture” was not as well received by the representatives. Many thought that U[sic]GA had all the culture it needed. They cited

11/21/2003 21:10:00 hrs. LOCATION: Fifth pasture on the right INCIDENT: Report that a 2003 John Deere tractor was entered and items taken. The tractor was uninjured, but felt violated.
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11/22/2003 44:75:30 hrs. LOCATION: “Mullets Are Us” INCIDENT: Report of a stolen mullet hairpiece valued at $3,400.

Burglary
11/23/2003 33:88:91 hrs. LOCATION: K-Mart INCIDENT: Report of stolen jewelry valued at $19.99 (but only with the Blue Light Special).

Chicken rape
11/21/2003 81:34:77 hrs. LOCATION: President’s residence INCIDENT: Report of a chickenplucking (Injuries reported; chicken well done.)

Incest
11/20/2003 69:69:69 hrs. LOCATION: Under the arch INCIDENT: Case number voided; Incest is not a crime in the Athens metropolitan area.

Fire
11/20/2003 32:43:86 hrs. LOCATION: SAE House INCIDENT: Report that a methamphetamine lab exploded; no injuries but many disappointed.

4 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

TO HELL WITH NEWS

‘Loons

forts, but, at least for now, the balloon idea was abandoned. local man decided his son, 15, had The school has tried to model its outgrown the backyard tree house. curriculum on rival school Georgia “We find there’s plenty of room Tech’s Aerospace program, due to for our meetings up there,” said As- its success in national rankings. sociate ASS Master Jim Bob Arm“We figure we’ll just do what strong. “We’re even pretty far off they do,” Armstrong said. “We asthe ground, so we can test our, you sign really hard homework, like know, flying multiplication. things,” he said. Then, when the The school, students turn it “We had these tubes composed of two in, we tell them faculty members it’s late and fail hooked up to giant and three stuthem. Also, we canisters labeled ‘ASS test them at least dents, has suffered a recent twice a week Gas,’ But when we reduction in enover material tried to put ‘em in the rollment when they haven’t two students, unlearned, like alcows’ asses, they got der the mistaken gebra, and then kinda mad.” impression they make them take had discovered extra classes to Peter Pan how to fly, leapt make it up.” ASS Master from the tree “ S o house. far, it hasn’t “The closest worked,” Armwe’ve come to flight has been drug- strong added, indicating one of his induced hallucinations—we decid- students struggling with Airplane ed to stop ‘Wacky Wednesdays’ in Models 101. Apparently the stuthe tree house after that,” Armstrong dent placed the wheel of a model said. airplane on its tail fin. So far, the school’s biggest obWith the failure of methane balstacle has been gravity, according to loons, the ASS has turned its attensixth-year senior Bubba Sawmill. tion to large blimps, called dirigibles. The school’s latest attempt at ob“I think hydrogen might be the taining its elusive goal brought it key,” Pan said. “Hydrogen + a strong closest to success of any other ef- German name = success.
from page 1

Adams: “Give it to me raw, please”
By Hu Flung Pu Wussy with a ‘P’ Much to his excitement, Michael Adams announced this week that the figures examined by U[sic]GA Foundation in their recent audit were wrong. The cause for celebration was because of wrong numbers that were not his fault. “All the calculations I submitted for review were compiled by the Math Department here at the University[sic]. I told them to give it to me raw. All the data, no matter how rough it is, just give it to me raw, please,” Adams said. “Little did I realize that the professors and statisticians who worked on gathering the information thought that two plus two was thirty-seven! Why don’t we have the money to hire better people around here? If I can illegally divert enough money from the University[sic] to throw private pool parties for my friends and provide my wife with a salary for her..ehem…personal services she provides for me, why can’t we pay for top-notch professors?” Adams asked. The U[sic]GA Foundation now plans to review the new numbers. This time, however, the figures will be compiled by the much smarter, more capable math majors from Tech, and then reach a decision as to Adams’ fate.

Head

from page 1

Bookin’ It

from page 1

tated. “I sure gonna miss that there great book place” said Sally May Jenkins. “That’s was one of the best durned places that I ever done seen.” Police are still baffled as to who the culprit is, but they have reason to believe the culprit was a student at Georgia Tech, who leave the premises. When asked about the alleged perpetrator, the president only had this to say: “What they done is a very bad thing, and they should be

shown that we don’t take kindly to no fires. The police should take immediate action and cut off all access to NASCAR games on TV and radio. That will show them that we means business.” Tech representatives were not available for comment, but since they are in the midst of Dead Week and finals, this reporter is sure that they have plenty of time to goof around and do such horrible things. It’s only a matter of time before the Tech arsonist is caught, tortured and punished.

they wandered too close to the scene of the accident. The deputies exploded with such force as to shatter windows and severely damaging a load-bearing column. This incident is indicative of an emerging problem – U[sic]GA students attempting to show that their IQ is, contrary to popular belief, higher than their blood alcohol level. A similar incident occurred last spring in the Van Leer building after a U[sic]GA student attempted to steal Buzz, the Tech mascot, and hide him in a janitor’s closet. The perpetrator instead walked into a lecture of Microelectronic Circuits Theory and spontaneously combusted. The incident is still under investigation. Adams has issued a warning to U[sic]GA students in an attempt to stop the bloodshed. “This is a terrible tragedy. I will set up a foundation devoted to the victims, then promptly divert massive amounts of funds to finance the purchase of a luxury resort in Cancun,” Adams said. As a gesture of good will, Tech President Wayne Clough offered Adams a shiny object and a piece of string. Anthropologist and National

By Saddam Hussein/ I LOVE THE GORY ASSIGNMENTS

Police would not allow the gruesome scene to be photographed, but witnesses reported a horrific scene. U[sic]GA students should avoid Tech. Public Radio commentator Lily Prick offered an explanation of the incident. “Examples of pre-Neanderthal brains exploding at attempting complex tasks has been recorded for centuries. But it is quite surprising to see this happen in the modern age. We thought they all died out, but hey, I guess we learn something new every day,” Prick said. Atad’s goat is currently being questioned at an undisclosed location. Mark Geragos, the goat’s lawyer, declined requests for an interview. “I think we all learned a lesson today. If you have a friend at U[sic]GA, think of their goat friends before letting them enter a Tech classroom. You might well save a pre-Neanderthal’s life every time you prevent such actions,” Prick said. “I feel horrible,” Clough said. “This a case of cross-cultural misunderstanding. It’s just a shame U[sic]GA students are so damn stupid.”

technique meetings...tuesdays @7...room 137 flag building...free pizza

6 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

HEY Y’ALL page 6

HEY Y’ALL
THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003

THWUGA
“The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” Serving Georgia Tech Since 1911

Quote of the week: “She thinks my tractor's sexy, it really turns her on, she's always staring at me, while I'm chuggin along.”— Kenny Chesney

OUR VIEWS Consensus Opinion

Jackets are junk

By Matt Norris / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS

Alcohol needs to be sold at Sanford

Consensus editorials reflect the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the Technique, but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.

EDITORIAL BOARD
Tony Kluemper, Editor-in-Chief Justin Partlo, Managing Editor Daniel Amick, News Editor Jennifer Lee, Focus Editor Art Seavey, Entertainment Editor Jennifer Schur, Opinions Editor Kimberly Rieck, Sports Editor Scott Meuleners, Photography Editor Karl Guertin, Online Editor Julia Trapold, Advertising Manager Jody Shaw, Associate Editor

Copyright Notice
Copyright © 2003, Tony Kluemper, Editor-in-Chief, and by the Board of Student Publications. The Technique is an official publication of the Georgia Tech Board of Student Publications. No part of this paper may be reproduced in any manner without written permission from the Editor or from the Board of Student Publications. The ideas expressed herein are those of the Editor or the individual authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Board of Student Publications, the students, staff or faculty of the Georgia Institute of Technology or the University System of Georgia.

HEY Y’ALL

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 7

Got Milk? Well, the Holstein Hotties do!

BUZZ Around the Farm
What do you do with your special lady friends?

Pig COCK Freshman

“I like to take her romping in the mud. OINK!”

OUR VIEWS Hot or Not

YOUR VIEWS Letters to the Editor

HOT or

ST ANKY

Ass makes tractor get ticket

Uga the Dog Mascot

“Wrell, I lick ‘er a wittle, then I slobber on ‘er, then we go eat some chow while laying on a pile of ice.”

Cow CUD Senior

“We like to eat each other’s ruminated food.”

Letter Submission Policy
The Technique welcomes all letters to the editor and will print letters on a timely and space-available basis. Letters may be mailed to Georgia Tech Campus Mail Code 0290, emailed to editor@technique.gatech.edu or hand-delivered to room 137 of the Student Services Building. Letters should be addressed to Tony Kluemper, Editor-in-Chief. All letters must be signed and must include a campus box number or other valid mailing address for verification purposes. Letters should not exceed 400 words and should be submitted by 8 a.m. Wednesday in order to be printed in the following Friday’s issue. Any letters not meeting these criteria or not considered by the Editorial Board of the Technique to be of valid intent will not be printed. Editors reserves the right to edit for style, content, and length. Only one submission per person will be printed each term.

Advertising Information
Information and rate cards can be found on online at www.nique.net. The deadline for reserving ad space and submitting ad copy is noon on Friday, one week prior to publication. For rate information, call our offices at (404) 894-2830, Monday through Friday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Advertising space cannot be reserved over the phone. The Technique office is located in room 137 of the Student Services Building, 353 Ferst Drive, Atlanta, Georgia 30332-0290. Questions regarding advertising billing should be directed to Marcus Kwok at (404) 894-9187, or RoseMary Wells at (404) 894-2830.

Bwak Bwak Agriculture Freshman

Coverage Requests
Press releases and requests for coverage may be made to the editor-in-chief or to individual section editors. For more information, visit http://nique.net/stuorgguide.pdf.

“I peck ‘er with my beak, and ruffle her feathers.”

8 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

HEY Y’ALL

A global trek with view from the Farm

New “butt butter” product keeps football players wedgy- and chafe-free

BEER!!! page 9

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 9

BEER!!!
THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 By Ivanna Beabum I see the future, and it is beer

The Olympics are coming!
Athens won the bid for the 2004 Olympics! Now find out how the Classic City is getting ready for the most action we’ve seen in a while. Page 14

U[sic]GA is cribbin’, yo
MTV Cribs is coming to campus, and we’ve got tips for how you can make sure you and your humble abode can look camera-perfect. Page 15

Donation from vagrant funds alcohol center
Former vagrant puts money earned from gathering beer cans on U(sic)GA campus to good use
were these big pretty houses with these yards just covered in cans and bottles. I had to stay.” Plans for a new Center for RehaNiseguy continued, “I made $300 bilitation of Alcoholic Persons dollars my first day here.” Niseguy (CRAP) on the U(sic)GA campus has resided in Athens for the past are currently being completed. The five years and claims to have collectbuilding, which will be the largest ed cans almost every day since. building on campus upon comple“It’s a great business ‘cause I pick tion, is costing an extraordinary $89 up all the cans and turn them in, million. A large portion of the mon- then just the next day there’s anothey, $63 million, was donated by er pile waiting for me,” he said. former vagrant, Samuel Niseguy. Niseguy reports that on an averThe building will be completely age day he collects about 190,000 state of the art. beer cans. Of key impor“Course at first I tance is the west couldn’t get that ward which will many cans in a “If it wasn’t for all the feature 19 detoxday,” he said. “Ya alcohol-loving kids ification centers know, that’s a lot and a lecture hall to carry.” here, I wouldn’t be which will be “But the rich man I am used for an inafter about 3 troductory class, weeks of collecttoday.” Drinking 101, a ing cans I bought Samuel Niseguy core requiremyself a bulldozCan-collector and former bum ment for all stuer,” Niseguy adddents. ed, “course now “If it wasn’t I got myself 17 for all the alcohol-loving kids here, bulldozers and 200 employees.” I wouldn’t be the rich man I am U(sic)GA student, Harold Plastoday,” explained Niseguy. terface describes Niseguy as “A cool Niseguy is worth over $700 mil- guy. He’s da man! You know what lion dollars, all of which he has at- I’m talking about, cause he, like, tributed to collecting discarded beer makes money. He’s way cooler than cans on the University(sic) of Geor- when we found out how the toaster gia campus. works, cause he...he...he, um, well “I was surprised when I first got you know what I mean.” here,” said Niseguy, describing his In honor of his generous contriarrival in Athens five years ago. “There bution to the university, the mayor

By Ben Dover / FEELIN’ GOOOOD

The new Center for Rehabilitation of Alcoholic Persons (CRAP) is currently under construction. Built by a donation from a bum-turned-millionaire, the CRAP features 19 detoxification centers and a lecture hall for Drinking101. of Athens has already presented Niseguy the key to the city and declared him to be “the most useful person to come out of the city in the past 50 years.” Niseguy’s company, Canman Inc., is currently the largest, most profitable business in northern Georgia, and they have recently announced they are going public in January ’04. Canman Inc. is also a large supplier of jobs for U(sic)GA graduates, and undergrads. Business major, Hugo Dumass, works for Canman Inc. and describes the company as “Dis thing, where we like, uh, git moneys for cans.” Dumass drove his bulldozer into the Foreign Language building before we could get further comment. Without a college degree, Niseguy has contemplated going to college, when asked if he was considering U(sic)GA, Niseguy replied with laughter. “They offered me a job teaching a Business course,” he said, “but I told ‘em I don’t know nothing ‘bout business. I just pick up cans.”

Rural-sexual lifestyle starts to catch on
By Skinny Pete I like little girls A recent phenomenon has surfaced on the U(sic)GA campus this year. As the phenomenon is still very new and not yet fully understood, analysts are still unsure of how to describe it. However, the students and some faculty at U(sic)GA are calling it “rural-sexuality.” According to Irma Smead, President of the Division of Interesting Cultural Knowledge (DICK), “Rural-sexuals has a deep appreciation for some of the finer things in life. It started when one or two of the guys on campus started coming to class with farmers’ tans.” Since then, a large percentage of the male student body have started decorating their rooms with original signed works by famous taxidermists, letting their facial hair grow unkempt, dressing up in overalls and cowboy boots with no shirt, and throwing elaborate dinner parties at which they serve seven-course meals of a bucket of KFC and sixpacks. The girls on campus are outraged because the guys are no longer giving them as much attention. “My boyfriend has been spending so much time making his new fur coat that he ain’t even noticed the new fancy necklace I bought at KMart last week,” said Lelia Lee, a third year Farming Technology student. When asked to comment on the impact of rural-sexuality on the U(sic)GA campus, President Adams replied, “Rural-sexuals really improve the quality of our campus extensively. Our students are now taking showers daily, buying that fancy-pants beer, and wearing their best wife-beaters to job interviews. The public is finally seeing us for the fine University we’ve done been from the beginning.” See Rurals, page 10

Cell phones, laptops and other shiny gadgets grow in popularity
By Jethro Up Buildin’ up my tolerance want. In fact, I call him every day…just to make sure that he’s not messin’ around with anyone Recently, the growth in the else, you know.” use of electronics on U[sic]GA’s Some students, however, are campus has proved that UGA averse to the idea. students are truly on top of the “Those damn cellphones are newest trends. It is now no long- ruining my life,” said Buck Neer a rarity to kitt, a thirdsee a student year Dairy walking Science ma“In fact, I call him around camjor. “My girlpus with a cellfriend, every day…just to phone to his Bobby Sue, make sure that he’s or her ear. keeps calling Some stume all the not messin’ around dents really time! I with anyone else, you enjoy the freewould just dom that cellkeep my cellknow.” phones allow p h o n e Bobby Sue McQueen them. “Now turned off all Cow Psychology major that I have a the time, but cellphone, I I can’t do can talk to all that…because my friends that didn’t go to col- my mom calls me on the phone lege and instead are stayin’ at all the time, too, and I gotta be home with their babies,” said there when she calls me.” Bobby Sue McQueen, a Cow Students are also fascinated Psychology major. by the ability to play games on “I can ask them how they’re cellphones. “Snake is my new doing, and whether that asshole favorite game,” said Mary Jo guy that left him ever paid his Ellen, an International Love Afchild support,” added McQueen. fairs major. “They’re much bet“Um, I mean, I meant to say, I can call my boyfriend anytime I See Gadgets, page 10

By Menigh Like / HOLLA BACK Y’ALL

Do you know how to tell if your best friend’s a rural-sexual? Look for the tell-tale signs: impeccable fashion sense, unkempt facial hair, desire to start a bluegrass band and an appreciation for Joe Dirt and Kid Rock.

10 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

BEER!!!

Rurals

from page 9

A group of students on the Television Innovation Team (TIT) are trying to sell a proposal for a new show, Country Eye for the City Guy, to the Country Music Television network. Clyde Cleming, the head of the TIT, thinks the show will be a huge success. “Country Eye for the City Guy will promote our lifestyle to them people who ain’t lucky enough to experience rural life,” said Cleming. Country Music Television officials commented on the status of the negotiations with the TIT. “We have been working closely with the production team for the Country Eye show. We want to see some proposals before we agree to suck up everything that comes flowing from the TIT.” Officials wanted to stress that they have nothing in writing con-

cerning the deal with the DICK. “Everything has been oral thus far,” said one executive who wished to remain anonymous. While no one is sure how pervasive the new rural-sexual trends will be, most agree that they have improved the student body at U(sic)GA tremendously. Several new clothing lines have approached students for ideas on new styles. OshKosh B’Gosh has been offering jobs to the students who have helped promote the latest rural-sexual styles. “We want to make sure we are ahead of all the other designers,” said an OshKosh representative. “The students at U(sic)GA have shown themselves to be naturals at shaping the new fashion trends.” However, the representative added, “We are having a difficult time getting the students to reject other more traditional job offers from companies like Jiffy Lube, Burger King, and others,” he added.

Gadgets

from page 9

ter than games on calculators. Plus, calculators are just so…mathematical. Cellphones are much cooler-looking. And they work much better than calculators when you put them up to your ear.” Other electronic devices, such as laptops, are also growing in usage, though they are still not as popular as cellphones. The slower growth of laptop usage may be due to simple misunderstanding. “When I first heard of a laptop, I thought it was a new kind of dance that the girls at the Gold Club do,” said Jed Blanket, an Animal Education major. “But now that I have one, I have to say that it’s pretty cool, though not as cool as what I thought it was before.” Along with laptop usage comes and increase in internet use as well. “The internet is the greatest thing. I

found a picture that shows monkeys doing it, and I printed it out and taped it up on my roommate’s door,” said Iddy Ott, a second-year Custodial Engineer. “I could never have done that if I had had to go to

“When I first heard of a laptop, I thought it was a new kind of dance that the girls at the Gold Club do.”
Jed Blanket Animal Education major

the library.” Lotto Harrison agreed. “The internet has so many possibilities. You can download porn and download some more porn.” Harrison added, “Oh, and my

newest favorite thing to do online is take those nifty quizzes about ‘What type of porno would you star in?’ and ‘If you were an animal, which one would you be?’” Harrison said that as a Psychology major, he found these quizzes fascinating. However, the increase in internet has created some problems for the school. Several students have been sent warnings about abusing the school’s network. Bubba Clyde, an Agriculture major, recently was requested by the Office of Technology to remove several gigs of downloaded material from his hard drive. Currently, Clyde has not complied with their request. When asked for a comment, he responded that he did not understand the office’s request. “Hard drive?” he asked. “Is that what happens when a tractor gets stuck in fourth gear?” he said. “Oh, oh, I know. Is that some kind of new sexual position?”

j

ointhe‘nique
blueprint erato
writers i photographers i

northavenuereview
pizza-eaters i editors i movie critics i video game players i sports enthusiasts i layout designers i artists i theater-goers i engineers

BEER!!!

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 11

Two-beat words are fun
“Why do we need to know twobeat words?” said ninth-year John Jones. “I mean, sheep and cows and Some profs now teach this new pigs talk just fine with one-beat words, two-beat word class. In this class, so why can’t we?” Twelfth-year Sue Smith, who is folks learn how to speak two-beat in the class, said, “They teach you words. What are two-beat words? With words you don’t need to know. I two-beat words, you can clap your mean, ‘beer’ is a one-beat word. ‘Sex’ hands twice per word, not just once. is a one-beat word. ‘Shit,’ ‘damn,’ piss,’ and ‘f---’ are all one-beat words. That is, each word has two beats. Each day, the folks in this class What else do you need to know?” Some say it can go so far as to learn a new list of five to ten words. They say each one lots of times. hurt folks. “A third of the class has had their Once the prof feels the whole class can say all the words learned thus minds break down when they try to far, he tests them. You must say say a two-beat word,” said tenthyear Kate Kim, each word right who is in the to pass. class, too. The profs “‘Sex’ is a one-beat “Some are not formed this class word. ‘Shit,’ ‘damn,’ sane now. I wish so that folks could the profs would say more words. piss,’ and ‘f---’ are all see how this class “You can’t go one-beat words. What hurts us.” through life with A few like it, just one-beat else do you need to though. words,” said Doc know?” “Two-beat Paul E. Turmz, a words are fun,” Prof of Two-Beat Sue Smith said eighth-year Words and one Twelfth-year Moe Marks. “I of the profs that don’t know why teach the new most folks hate two-beat word them. They make me feel smart. class. “Most folks here know just one- Some day, I hope to be a Two-Beat beat words,” he said. “It hurts them Word Prof like Doc Turmz.” The profs feel the class has been in the real world. It makes them good for folks, and they hope to sound dumb.” Doc I. Said Moore, Head Prof teach it for a long time. “Two-beat words are like good of Hard Words, said Doc Turmz is right. “When I went here, all of my food,” said Doc Turmz. “Most folks friends could say just one-beat words. will learn words from this class that That was fine while they were here, will help them out for a long time. but when they left to get jobs, few Some words are…” So will there be a three-beat word would take them. My friends now class? wish they knew two-beat words.” “We would like to teach a threeHe said stats show that more and more folks do not know two-beat beat word class for folks who live words, so they had to take care of through the two-beat word class,” said Doc Moore, “but none of us that. Most folks hate the class, though. know three-beat words. We would have to get Tech profs.” Some say it is just plain dumb. By Mono Sil A. Bik I like short words...and men

Winner gets a free keg of beer!!!!

UgaUpClose
This week’s Tech Up Close (for those who can’t stand the suspense):
Close up of behind of Uga statue

By Ima Dick / HANGING BY A MOMENT

email: stoneballjackson@arches.uga.edu

sliver box
Wow...Falcons won...shocker there I rode the Tech Trolley---and it made me LATE! Use your cellphone in the library---perish the thought!!!!!!!!! she done blingified the microphone! i saw buzz at the source awards? did you? oh wait, i go to a white school. The other day I read a copy of the Emory Wheel. The Nique is five times better, and we have no journalism school. Not only that, but Tech girls are five times hotter than Emory chicks. why didn't I hear about GT Goth Night??? Alright, what the hell is a "When Harry Met Sally Complex"? And was she implying that i have one? I ate that test up, methinks sometimes some crimes go slipping through the cracks... Goofus and Gallant Rocks. I wish they were on GTCN ... Check it out after November 17. That Gallant guy is really sexy. fix the damn steps by the marc, i like to walk there Why is it when people call you a faggot they don't think you can hear them? and then they casually smile as if they weren't biggots themselves... SNARFUS CREEBLER IS MY ANTI-DRUG You know, the Nazis made the Jews wear pieces of flair... Okay so let me get this straight: the CoC doesn't have enough money to pay TA's BUT they have enough to construct a new building? Don't get me wrong...Dippin' Dots is good...but it is 51 degrees outside. Actually, I am the type of person I would like to spend the rest of my life with. I was not offended by the bake sale....I just wanted you to get the facts straight...White Women are the demographic to get the most advantage from affermative action. An electron cloud....you REALLY should be a physics major. More sliver on page 21

12 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

To H wi Geor
BEER!!!

This space provided as a pub

H ll Hell ith rgia!
BEER!!!

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 13

blic service by the Technique.

14 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

BEER!!!

Students petition to change name of animal husbandry class
By Horny Hobby Horse Ooooh, neeeiiiggghhh! kins said. “When I seen that I had to buy me a book for it, I got a little Several disgruntled students nervous,” said Jenkins. “And the have petitioned to the faculty classes ain’t nothin’ like I expectabout changing the name of a ed, not one bit. I mean, sure, I popular freshman elective class, suppose you got to feed the aniAnimal Husbandry 101. mals and whatnot, but where’s Though the husbandAH101 is dery in that? scribed clearSeems more ly in the like wife kin“I suppose you got to course catalog da stuff, if ya feed the animals and as a class on ask me...stuff the care of that nobody whatnot, but where’s farm animals, needs to go to the husbandry in many stucollege for dents come anyways.” that?” into the class When quesChris Jenkins with miscontioned about U(sic)GA freshman ceptions. exactly what For examhe expected ple, freshman out of the Chris Jenkins signed up for the class, Jenkins became vague, menclass during early registration. Jen- tioning only that he thought there kins’s friends and family said that would be a more “personal touch” he was eagerly anticipating the to the coursework. elective course. Professor John Englebart, who “He wouldn’t stop talking teaches the class, admitted that about how much he thought this he too had been fooled by the class would improve his pros- name when he first entered the pects,” said Jenkins’s mother. field. “Aw, hell, it got me too. I “After Bessie rejected him for had a picture of a sheep in my another cow—I mean, guy—a wallet just like Chris does, day I few years ago, Chris has never first came to school here.” quite been the same.” “Now o’course,” Englebart However, the course quickly said, “my wife is the first one you became “a huge let-down,” Jen- see, but them was different times.”

Athens prepares for 2004 Olympics
By Eddie “Queen” T. I love to play with my scepter The International Olympic Games are coming to Athens for the summer of 2004, and the Universtiy of Georgia campus, as well as the rest of the Classic City, is revving up for the big event. Students, faculty and administration alike are getting ready for what is sure to be a historic time in Athens history. Local vendors expect their businesses to see an overall boom, and U(sic)GA’s Terry School of Business predicts that the city will see an overall increase of 300 percent in revenues for that quarter. “I’m hoping that people from out of town have a real fire taste for my beaver art, “ said Coonskin Bubbs, a local resident. Even the mayor and rest of the Athens’s city government are gearing up for the event. One of the first laws passed by the City Council after Athens received the bid prohibited bird hunting, in order that there be enough doves left to release during the opening ceremonies. Though this measure generated some discontent among locals, the city was able to persuade most citizens that it was for the general good. Strangely, though, local officials have been confused with the Olympic Committee’s refusal to return only to receive a cryptic message: “You are mistaken in your contact. We were speaking of Athens, Greece, not Athens, Georgia.” While city officials and the mayor are baffled by this response from the Olympic committee, they continue to prepare for the coming games. Local residents are also confused by the media’s constant referral to their city as “The Acropolis.” Experts and city officials are also expected to release the identity of the always fan-favorite Olympic mascot. This Olympics is to be no different from any other and the city has had a large amount of ideas to choose from, especially from local artists. Farm animals are a common theme. U(sic)GA students are also getting involved in preparations for the Games. Students of the U(sic)GA fraternities are optimistic about their ideas for the upcoming games. They feel that their plea to make mudding an official woman’s sport will be heard. However, a strict committee composed of Athens’s most esteemed, including the President of UGA, Michael Adams, must review all final decisions for the upcoming games.

“I’m hoping that people from out of town have a real fire taste for my beaver art.”
Coonskin Bubbs Local Athens resident

their contacts. Sometime shortly after the announcement of Athens as the Olympic committee’s choice for the games of the Summer 2004, the mayor contacted the Olympic committee

HOES ‘N SPADES page 15

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 15

HOES ‘N SPADES
THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 By Big Giant Head Bred for Pleasurin’ year (the duration of the contest) make sure that you answer any knocks while fully clothed—especially if you MTV recently announced the are male. We know that many of kick-off of its nation-wide search you enjoy running around in the for the best university campus in nude with your roommates, but we America. Its popular television pro- do not want the inadequacies of our gram MTV Cribs will be scouring nether-regions to be exposed by the nation’s most revered colleges misplaced red-and-black thong unto discover the prime educational derwear. At least toss on one of real estate littered with the hippest your wife-beater tank tops that does not have the students and friendliest atmovomit stains sphere. The profrom last week“Take the crew ducers have told end’s kegger. outside to the parking us that this show Try as much as can make anypossible to disdeck to display your guise your body look aweresidence’s prized some, because of Southern drawl the quick-cut edso that viewers collection of vintage iting and popueverywhere can automobiles...” lar music. After understand exviewing a sample actly what you are saying. If episode with total tool Aaron only it were posCarter rummaging around his house sible that every state could speak while spouting hip-hop slang, we Redneck. Feel free to pepper your are confident that these people can (complete) sentences with the phrases work their magic on anybody. What popular with the kids these days, a relief, considering the diverse en- like “Fo shizzle, my nizzle.” All the rollment here at U(sic)GA. Yet it is better for evoking the aura of cool. of enough concern to our officials Definitely take the crew outside that we feel inclined to impose some to the parking deck to display your guidelines on the student body. After residence’s prized collection of vinall, this is a magnificent marketing tage automobiles, rusted with cracked opportunity where we can recruit windows and sitting on cinder blocks. future Bulldogs into our top-ranked We hear that the audiences will be agricultural school. With this in especially impressed with the cusmind, please take note of the fol- tomized rims from your friends in lowing issues, in case you open the Alabama. It should be only a short door only to be rushed by a gaggle walk from here to the glistening swimming pond. Wink at the camera of surprise cameras. From now until the end of the and invite those at home in for a

We all love BALLS
Tired of being alone? Bubba Atkinson is here to lift Athens out of the dating rut. Page 16

Where’d Uga go?
Uga is no more. The Goat II replaces our sacred dawg. Can he lead the team? Page 24

MTV to showcase U(sic)GA on college Cribs
That’s right, this is your chance to be on national television. We want to impress the country, so follow these tips.

By Jesus Jones / FARM PUBLICATIONS

So yeah, the MTV is coming here. Now we all love our prized possesions, but sometimes the rest of the country just doesn’t see things the same way we Athen’s folks do. With that said...clean up your act a bit, dress to impress. skinny dip. We want this to be a defining moment in the history of U(sic)GA and hope that you will wear your spirit as a badge of pride. Chew a big wad of tobacco as you recite the details of your hunting rifle collection, and beam a megawatt smile to provide a glimpse of your tooth. Upon entering the bedroom, it cannot be readily apparent you are sleeping with your sister. Disappointingly, most other institutions look down on some good old-fashioned brotherly love. Point to your tricked-out entertainment center with the black and white television and broken radio in the corner. Underscore your personal accomSee Cribs, page 10

Celebrities drawn to our dang big yard sale
ing deer eyes and pink flamingoes. They really impress the ladies.” The most impressive item was a The Friday Night Adventures genuine WAL-MART coonskin cap. series continued last Friday with an Athens resident Eva Hunting remiinter-dorm yard sale. Several groups nisced about the days when she wore of students emptied the contents of one as a “young’un.” My mammy their closets and scoured underneath useta climb a tree and rip apart a beds to locate artifacts for the sale. feisty coon with her bare hands. The Highlights included several very skin became a hat and gloves for me unusual collections, vintage agricul- and my siblings. Then she turned tural equipment the rest of the and an original catch into desBubba-Gump sert.” “I would say this was haircut kit. While many “I was amazed community even better than last by the cultural vamembers were year’s cow pie eating riety presented by impressed with kids of this age,” the culture discontest” said octogenariplay, Buckhead Marshal Mathers an Billy Ray resident Shirley Rapper/Athens Native Cyrus. “I mean Franklin was unreally, this 1979 impressed. “Do coveralls outfit you expect me to with the straw hat believe that this just gives me an achy breaky heart. pair of muck-boots is really worth Don’tcha agree?” the same amount as this vintage set Sophomore livestock manage- of Future Farmers of America cards?” ment major “Colonel” Sanders dis- Franklin said that she came to the played an impressive collection of event because it was touted as the gizzards, many of which he collect- next wave of cultural attractions, ed from class presentations and field but later remarked that it reminded trips. He remarked, “Though I love her of “stinky sewer issues.” my collection, it feels good to give In addition to the mass quantimy share to President Adams. Anyway, I am looking to begin collect- See Junks, page 10 By Natty Lite Funneling Expert

Pulling it hard all the way home
It’s time to break out your fancy pair of overalls and start a courtin’ your sister for the big night. This weekend Athens hosts the tri-county area tractor pull. Be there or...don’t. Just don’t be nowhere because I don’t hold with that Quantum Physics nonsense.

Cow tipping: Everyone’s doing it
From Michael Adams to Vince Dooley, everyone far and near is gonna be pushin’ over some cows this weekend. It’s awesome. You just sneak up next to ‘em while they’re sleeping, and get this: you push ‘em over! It’s so damn funny seein’ ‘em try to get back up. Stupid Cows. They don’t know how to get up...

“We’re all Gettin’ Wasted Tonight”
Hey ya’ll, a bunch of us are gonna get trashed out by old man Murray’s barn tonight. Man, it’s gonna be killer. We got three kegs, some Jim Beam, and enough hunch punch to kill a herd of buffalo. You should totally come out and celebrate that you’re not at Georgia Tech.

By Icy Hot / INNER-THIGH PUBLICATIONS

Students and celebrities came out in droves to try and find that diamond in the rough at the student yard sale. Empty Bud cans proved to be a hot item.

16 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

HOES ‘N SPADES

...Half Bit ...12347683abdptj... BALLS ends lonely Athen’s nights
Pre-game primer and stuffs
Well, it’s that time of year again, time to whup us some Georgia Tech ass on the ole gridiron, and seein’ as how the game’s down Atlanta way this year, that means only one thing: road trip. So, in honor of such a mountainous occasion, I have decided to send ya’ll off with the Half Bit Man’s list of road trip etticket for those of you who ain’t never done it before. 1. Start drinking early and often. Now, this may seem pretty basic, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t think to get good’n wasted on the trip down. They show up to the game sober as a judge and in no condition to properly hoot’n holler for the dawgs, and that’s just shameful. Just remember that my daddy used to say about drinkin’ early. “Son, I don’t hold with drinking in the mornings, except some mornings.” Well I think my old man would agree that this Saturday is gonna be one of those mornings. Then again, Paw thought most mornings were one of those mornings. 2. There’s some good hunting to be done from the highway. And don’t you let nobody never tell you different. So, don’t forget to bring your .22 Also, if you have some time to kill, Georgia Tech has some of the best squirrel hunting in the state. Just you be careful, though. Them squirrels are smart, too smart. 3. Those long, late night drives home can be dangerous, best to play some drinking games to keep yourself awake. Some of my favorite rules include take a drink whenever you run someone off the road and take a shot for clipping a hitchhiker. Don’t forget, you gotta finish the bottle if he catches air. Another fun game to play is “Which pair of headlights comin’ at me are the real ones?” It’s like playing chicken with your imagination. 4. And remember, if all you drive is a tractor, you’ll want to get going on the day before the game so as to get there o n By Hung Lowe Doin’ It Specialist Bubba Atkinson is a small farmer on the outskirts of Athens. Like everyone in the community, Bubba makes his living as a farmer. But recently Bubba has managed to supplement his farming income with a very popular dating service on campus. His organization is Bubba Atkinson’s Looking for Love Service or BALLS as it is known. BALLS offers a forum for men and women to hook up. Recent matches include various eligible barnyard animals to first cousins, twice removed. “I really love BALLS,” said JimBob Baker, a fifth year freshman who found a mate in Bessie, a prize milk cow from Bubba’s farm. “As an only child, I found it hard to meet girls.” “Thanks to Bubba and his BALLS, I was able to meet someone nice,” said Sally Higgins, a second year double major in Drinking and Motel Management. “He even has half his teeth.” Complex methods are used to match up couples. “Elmer does all the figurin’,” Bubba said, referring to his star employee who can count up to eight. “He’s one smart horse,” he added. When asked how he did it, Elmer stamped his hoof on the ground. He stamped more times than anyone around here can count even. He’s one smart horse. It’s no wonder he makes so many couples happy. But not all of the matches are made in heaven or even a hayloft. Sometimes couples are completely

incompatible, or worse. Suzie Hick, a third year major in Adding Single Digit Numbers, had a bad experience with BALLS. “It left a bad taste in my mouth,” she said. “They matched me with my brother and I’d just broken up with him. And he was supposed to be home with the kids anyway.” Fourth year student of Probability and the Lottery Hank Reardon had a worse experience with BALLS. “I got a date with this sheep Dolly,” he said, “But there was two of ‘em and I grabbed the wrong one. So Bubba busts in a hootin’ and a hollerin’.” The sheep he’d gotten had been Sally, Bubba’s wife. Despite these occasional bad episodes, most students remain positive about BALLS. “It’s lots easier than going to family reunions for girls,” Baker said.

time. Also, tractor drivers’ll need more beer for the trip down ‘cause of the longer trip. There’s some fancy science behind as to why, but it’s all Greek to me. Whatever Greek is… So, there ya’ll have it, my handydandy list of tips for the beginning drinker and driverer. Follow ‘em all and you’ll be sure to have a grand ole time this weekend. Be sure to read next week’s article, “Hangover Remedies for the Week After.” Trust me, if you have the kind of time you should be having, you’ll need them. Until then, bye ya’ll.

By Peeping Tom / Bovine Productions

Bubba Atkinson’s Looking for Love Service (BALLS) has helped many students find their soul mate on U(sic)GA’s campus. Not only is Bubba the president he’s also a satisfied customer. He was matched to his current wife.

HOES ‘N SPADES

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 17

Cribs

from page 15

plishments with anecdotes, such as the tale of how you captured that stuffed possum hanging on the wall with your bare hands. Highlight your special talents by burping the alphabet or manually pleasuring yourself as many times as possible in sixty seconds. “Bling-bling” acquired from the quarter machine during your recent visit to K-Mart should be prominently draped around your neck. Yes, we here in Athens do have some fine-looking women. However, girls, it is probably best if you keep your mouths shut and just bat your eyelashes. Invite the crew to the local Country Kitchen for a postshoot celebration dinner of collard greens, okra, and grits to butter them up. Slipping them a flask of moonshine is strongly encouraged, but not mandatory. In anticipation of these exciting possibilities, it might be best to go ahead and schedule an afternoon

for clearing out your pantry and refrigerator. The viewers always want to discover what you have been cooking, but, despite the support of our mascot, other people do not eat dog biscuits and cans of Alpo. Understandably, undergraduates everywhere struggle with mold and dirty dishes, but your pet cockroaches need to be hidden along with your Condylox genital warts cream. There is a solution. Considering that most of you have some massive cleaning ahead, we have designated the entire student center as a depository where items can be left in a secret stash not available for filming. Sanford Stadium will be available for overflow, just in case. After our moment in the spotlight, you can return to pick up your favorite set of NASCAR trading cards and the complete masterworks of Bubba Sparxxx. However, a much more exciting alternative is participation in the country’s largest yard sale of utter crap. Details on that as it approaches. For now, get ready. MTV is coming. We can do it! In a strange turn of events, event organizer Rodeo Clown cited rival school Georgia Tech as the inspiration for an event held in conjunction. “I got a telegram telling me of their Barnyard Bingo event, and I was certain it would be a hit here,” Clown went on to remark that “It just goes to show, that after all these years, our little sister school to the south has finally come round to proper views on what true entertainment means. Their fabulous Fox ain’t nothing. It’s all about the Fox hunting.”

Barenaked Ladies disappoints again
U(sic)GA accuses BNL and other musical groups of false advertising
By Jenny Marie-Joe Buttpirate I Have Penis Envy Although not traditionally known for activism, University(sic) of Georgia students have recently found a cause to get make some noise about – what many angry campus protesters are calling misrepresentation in the music industry (or, to use their own words, “lyin’ by them big music-sellin’ people”). I met with a small group of loyalists to the movement and their leader, known only as Big Jimmy, to discover exactly what the issue is about. A tear came to Big Jimmy’s eye as he began to tell me his story. “Well, ah reckon what got me started on all a’this here was that Dixie Chicks concert a while back. Ah was rell excited an’ all, lookin’ forward tah seein’ me some singin’ chickens, y’know, cuz that’d be somethin’. Ah mean, if’n ah’da wanted tah see me some girls an’ git-ahrs, ah coulda seen that any ol’ place. Where was tha livestock, y’know?” Big Jimmy said. The others in the circle nodded their sympathies, responding with a chorus of “right on, brotha”s and “it jus’ ain’t right”s. Asking about other musical acts which have inspired the ire of the group, which has dubbed itself Big Jimmy’s Crusaders, led to a flood of responses, ranging from rock bands such as Left Front Tire (“Ah still don’t git it. Where was tha truck? Ah mean, don’t there gotta be a truck?”) and Puddle of Mudd (“Dammit, ah thought it was a-gonna be a mud-wrasslin’ match, like on that beer commercial, that’s what ah thought”) to Italian opera (“That ticket cost me a helluva lotta mah beer money, an’ ah only bought it cuz of all that stuff ‘bout how’s operas’re sposta have them fat ladies at tha end there, an’ well, y’see, ah’m kinda inta tha big girls like that … but yeah, there was justa buncha shrieken’ and carryin’ on in sum far’n language”). The outraged students intend to show the music industry the full extent of their indignation by boycotting music products. “They’ll be rel sawry once we all stop buyin’ CDs—we mean us sum bizness, yessir we do. Ah’ve even got mah cuzzin gonna come up here from Georgia Tech tah show all us howtah us a computer tah git us some music fer free!” Big Jimmy declared, a wide gap-tooth grin lighting up his face.

Junks

from page 15

ties of bb guns, orange “don’t shoot me” vests and the ever stylish camouflage bow ties, the garage sale included several other fascinating events, such as moo cow rodeo, the funds embezzlement bake sale and a veritable country palate of other events. “All things considered, I would say this was even better than last year’s cow pie eating contest,” remarked last year’s reigning champion, Marshall Mathers.

By Henry McCue / POINT ‘N SHOOT PUBLICATIONS

You have been fooled too, don’t deny it. Bands these days will call themselves anything to get us to go to their stuff. I personally want to see chickens and guitars.

We Dawgs like to drawr

20 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

BALLIN’

faces in the
by missy butt

pasture
Yandel Jones Senior-Football

Cow tippin’ squad prepares for Nationals
By Ilova Alcki Bring me some dat Jim Bean After months of hard work and dedication, U[sic]GA’s nationallyranked cow tippin’ squad is heading to the national championships. Now for those of you not familiar with the sport or if you’re a Yankee, here’s how the sport workswhichever team can tip as many cows as possible in t e n minutes win. Now for you PETA activists, don’t worry, there’s no danger involved. Each team has to supply their own method of getting the cow back up immediately after tipping. “Ya know we usually make our new members put the cows back upright. We care about them animals and want them to be safe. We love our cows, they’re our lifetime companions,” said Benny Beenabaddabing, a dairy science major. Before the squad could qualify for the nationals, it first faced a difficult task- defeating arch rivals Georgia Southern and Clemson. “Southern has professional cow tippers on their team, why those people have nothing better to do than get laid, tip cows. We have real classes at our school. My milking lab is harder than anything them Statesboro people have to do,” said Beenabaddabing. At the Southern meet, the Dawgs went in a with a low morale. “We had just been defeated by them damn Florida pussies. I mean whoda thought that some damn yankee could lick us? We’re a whole lot more redneck true and true than those Gator jackasses could ever hope to be,” Ima Reddyneck, one of the Dawgs’ star players. When the cow bell rang, the Dawgs sprung into action. Tipping an amazing six cows compared to the Eagles’ paltry three cows in the first round, the team got a ten point advantage early on over the Eagles. The second round was a nailbiter after the Dawgs lost ten seconds because of a violation. “One of our players was um getting a bit frisky with one o f t h e prey, if you know what I mean.” Beenabaddabing said. GSU capitalized o n the penalty and evened up the score. However in the last round, GSU fell behind after one of the cows fell on the Eagles’ team captain. With added confidence and moonshine in their veins, the Dawg tippers went into the Clemson meet roaring and ready to go. “We knew we could lick them kitties.” said Beenabddabing. The Dawgs swept all three rounds with the Tigers. The team will head to the Nationals Dec. 4.

An eighth-year senior from Valdosta, GA, Yandel Jones is a defensive back who doesn’t see much playing time for the Dawgs because of his recent academic ineligibility. Yandel is the son of Delmont and Betty Rae Jones and believes he has at least one brother and one sister that he knows about. He is a Physical Education major and enjoys playing games on his Play Station II in his spare time. He lists his favorite food as “his momma’s road kill pate.” Yandel says if he had a million dollars, he would “buy his momma a new trailer” and have “fried chicken every night and nekkid ladies feeding it to me in a hot tub.” Yandel lists Ric Flare and Triple H as his role models because they “throw down like bad-asses because everybody knows that wrestlin’ is a real sport and we should respect them boys.”

Cletus Gibbs Freshman- Men’s Basketball
Cletus Gibbs, the 6-7, 225-lb. freshman power forward for the Dawgs would be a big contributor for head coach Dennis Felton’s team, but will not be playing in the next ten games for making more than $500 from selling textbooks and school supplies, a violation of NCAA rules. Cletus, who was a highly touted incoming high school senior, was among the selected few survivors in Georgia’s basketball program. Cletus, the son of Petunia and Enus Gibbs, is a Sanitation major who plans to work for his uncle’s portable toilet company, Big John for Your Little John, upon graduation. Gibbs ranks CaddyShack as his favorite film, fried chicken as his favorite food, and said his favorite thing about attending UGA is “how much free stuff they give me. I ain’t never gotta buy clothes, food, or cars again.”

Billy Bob Bennett Senior-Bowling
Billy Bob Bennett, the 5-8, 165-pound native of Athens, is the leader of the Dawgs’s varsity bowling team. More notoriously, Bennett is known for having completed four strikes in a game after downing three liters of beer and completing a keg stand just before the fourth strike. He lists hunting, fishing, cow tipping, drag racing, and shooting stray cats as his favorite pastimes. Bennett is a fast food industry major and plans to work at a McDonald’s drive thru upon graduation. He lists his favorite food as “meat” and if he had a million dollars, he said he would buy a new truck and retire so that he would “never have to work again.” Billy Bob says that Michael Jackson is his role models because of Jackson’s ability to relate to people of all ages and races and still be cool enough to get fan support even from inside jail .

sliver box
I am a democrat...and i will be the devil's advocate...."republican's make me laugh"...but so do democrats. why are tech guys such women sometimes? When I love something it turns to MONKEEEEEEY AHHH!!! MOTHERLAND! ...can't seem to pray the gay away GOODTIMES Anagrams! Clemson graduate: cant measure gold Georgia graduate: garage grout aide Duke University grad: derisive gaudy trunk Asking students how they feel about Georgia Tech is like asking lamp posts how they feel about dogs. How can we have the #1 systems engineering department in the nation and have so many broken systems... Maintenance, you 'ignant' sons-of....stop fu**ing with da A/C THE DOORS ARE ATTACKING ME!!! AGGHHH! Uh, sorry Maintenance folks. Good Job turning it back on in time. so I was wrong...shame on Tech for the dumpsters! The best part of a lollipop is eating the stick. That's stupid. bored, bored, bored to whoever slashed all the bike tires in Perry Hall, please do the world a favor and put a gun in your mouth. Your mom says hi! She told me to tell you hello! The following is a song for a girl: Smile that smile again for me. Look at me, yeah just that way. Take me back where I'm safe from, these thoughts that I think everyday. You're the one who has th being more is what you mean to me. So take my hand and lead me, I'll follow wherever you go. Take me down your road tonight, The one I pray I may know. Why is it that I can't think about anything else but her?? Why does she talk to me!! AAAHHHH!!! I WANT YOU SO BAD ! "To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing." More sliver on page 23

BALLIN’

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 21

Beyond the Red and Black

Big Jim

page 24

M.B.: Coach, just for the record, how many lies have you told over the years? J.H.: 38,754. Give or take a couple. You got any vodka? M.B.: No. J.H.: [Expletive]. M.B.: Coach, what has been your most memorable moment off the court? J.H.: Sexually harassing that young lady while I was the coach at Rhode Island is something I’ll never forget. Actually, Muddy, I think that whole situation was blown out of proportion. I simply asked her if she’d like to find out why they call me Big “Swinging Pendulum” Jim, followed by a slight grabbing of her buttocks. I mean, I thought this was America! When was free speech ruled unconstitutional? M.B.: So Coach, do you want to go back to coaching in college one day? J.H.: Hell yeah, whoo doggie, the finest pieces of ass in the world are college girls. Aint’ nothing like them Georgia peaches though. M.B.: Marvelous. Lastly coach, how are you enjoying your new capacity with the NBA’s Denver Nuggets? J.H.: It’s a pretty sweet gig, Muddy. I get to travel to many a college campus and scout some great athletes. My job also allows me to frequent sorority houses across the country for some rockin’ parties. While I was on a trip to Iowa State a couple of weeks ago, I woke up one morning following a party with nothing on but my bikini style leopard underwear with a whip in my hand. Haha! That was a wild night. M.B.: Thanks for your time, coach. J.H.: You bet, Muddy. Let me know next time you’re in town and I’ll treat you to some girls.

22 • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • THWUGA

BALLIN’

Learn the secret to Dawgs success Hard classes ahead
By Jacques Strape I have a rash How do they do it? The Georgia Bulldogs have fought their way to the top of the pile, but what gets them there? Some would say that it is the hard physical training and great team camaraderie that pushes this team to be its best. When asked about the Bulldogs physical regimen quarterback David Greene responded, “Yeah, we like physical activity. It usually starts on the field but becomes a real bonding experience in the showers. Even the coaches join in, especially if it is the rookies first time – practicing, that is.” Even Head Coach Mark Richt speaks highly of his team’s training. “You mean the steroids we give ‘em. Yeah, you got to love steroids,” says Richt. “I mean, some of the boys love them so much you would think they were addicted to them or something.” Still others say it is the Bulldog’s quick minds, and intelligence that makes them a threat on the field. This year’s class averages an overall school best of 850 on the SATs with a 1.8 GPA. “The first few years were tough,” says Richt. “But then we just created some bogus classes for the kids to ‘go’ to and gave them grades based on their attendance. I just tell their parents that they are getting ‘the best Georgia has to offer’.” “We are still students here at Georgia,” says one player. “Athletes go on to receive degrees in a wide range of majors from Public Policy, and Communications, to… Public Policy…Oh, wait. Did I already say that? Well, I’ll be damned then.” Though alumni and fans alike protest that it is the Bulldog’s sense of school loyalty and legacy that makes Georgia such a force. Indeed,

for student athletes
The changes may be more affecting other sports such as basketball, though. One newcomer to the U[sic]GA has made significant team has put on 30 pounds because changes to their basket weaving de- he says he “studies too much now.” Coach Felton has had to do expartment after his past Spring’s revelations that athletes were allowed tra conditioning drills for his into complete courses without ever coming freshmen who have already attending class. Several athletes stated put on the “freshman 15.” U[sic]GA they were unaware they were even was forming a solid recruiting class enrolled in several of the courses, last season until the changes were but said they did not complain when made public. Several recruits decidthey received A’s for their “work.” ed to go elsewhere, stating that they did not want to Many of the be distracted classes were from basketball taught by assis“Before this semester, by tough schooltant coaches or work. U[sic]GA dieathletes in the class Non-athletes hard fans. could pass by welcome the “It was the change because first A I had performing a variety done gotten, so of tasks including arm- they believe it will give their basket I didn’t say weaving degrees nothing” said wrestling the coaches more respect. one basketball and by winning U[sic]GA has one player. of the lowest ratThe most burping contests.” ed basket weavprofound ing departments changes include and has been desnow taking a written exam as a grade in the class. perately seeking ideas to improve This is seen as the change that will their program. “We have had 10 straight gradube the toughest for the athletes to handle. Before this semester, ath- ating classes with no one able to letes in the class could pass by per- find a job,” says one professor in the forming a variety of tasks including department. “A lot has to do with arm-wrestling the coaches and by the fact that the Athletic Department lobbied to get assistant coachwinning burping contests. Many of the assistants have been es in here to teach introductory level replaced when the changes were im- classes in the past.” This summer the GPA in basket plemented this summer. The department foolishly scheduled one weaving classes with athletes present of the written exams the week of the plummeted to a record low. DeLSU, which U[sic]GA ended up los- partment officials hope that they can steadily improve the study skills ing. One defensive back blamed a of the athletes by showing them how headache from the exam for his poor valuable these classes will be to them after football. performance in the game. By Dougie Howsa Power to the Bulldawg Nation

By Billy Bobo/ NOT STUDENT PUBLICATIONS

Over the past year, Georgia’s football team has engaged in many activities to boost performance on the field. Georgia’s starting QB has morphed into a super-powered Harry the Dawg after “vitamin” use. the support Georgia receives from its loyal base makes it a great program. One legacy athlete says, “Knowing that my Mom, and Dad, and wife, I mean, sister are watching me play every Saturday from the farm, well, it just gives me that little extra incentive to give it my all. I want to show my little nephew, I mean, son that his Dad, I mean, Uncle… or wait, did I get that backwards?” However, the critics and spectators seem to feel that it is the attitude and standard that Head Coach Mark Richt brings to the Bulldogs that make them the one of the best in the nation, and with only three loses under his belt, how can one not agree? It makes any person wonder what his secret to success is. “Well that is something that will go with me to the grave,” snickers Richt. “It is a play that you don’t see all that often on Saturdays, but I’ve given it the codename ‘bribing the guys in white and black stripped shirts’. It has won me more than my fair share of games, mind you.” Of course, the school fight songs know the truth. It is the red, black and white that have won the bulldogs every game this season, and will continue to guide them into the future. “Lycra and spandex are great to wear on the field,” says running back Kregg Lumpkin. “But off the field only DKNY touches this fine Queen’s ass!...mmmmmm-hmm …<snap>.”

sliver box
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." "Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." "Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life." "You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." "Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." I won't make that mistake.....this semester will not end before I try!!! WISH ME LUCK!! I made my "kitty" mad by throwing it out That's like buying a haircut for Adolf Hitler! And I hate Adolf Hitler! I like his haircut, but that's IT! Take A Picture With Adam and Eoin ROCKS! Those guys are the coolest ... Check 'em out Friday afternoons. Goofus and Gallant ... the movie. The first must-see film of the year. Now Showing: http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~dohhafwd/ So how did our blood battle with UGA goes? Oh, that's right. NOBODY CARES. Watching people camp out for UGA/GT tickets is the funniest thing I've seen all month. Thanks, folks. Canada Kicks Ass...well Vancouver does at least because they understand hockey and they make it their religion Who will win between Michigan and Ohio State this week? Michigan! Who will be national champions? The "real" USC damn it...you heard it here first...USC Trojans WILL be National Champs Here's the official major for all those females looking to get their MRS degree from Tech...Domestic Engineering "Tolerant" people absolutely cannot stand intolerance. No sliver published this week...why waste our time submitting them? georgia tech's campus is terrible Let us all hold a vigil for Michael Jackson for the music he brought us, not for the boys he has molested

BALLIN’ page 28

THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003 • 23

BALLIN’
THWUGA • Tuesday, November 25, 2003

NASCAR baby
Here in Athens, we love ourselves some cars. Read what we think about those boys who grace the tv. Page 22

Whew doggie!
The Dawgs have a new tool to help improve performance on the field. Find out what Richt’s boys are up to. Page 23

by the 760

AdamsreplacesUGA VI with Goat
By Bubba Franks Hmm....donuts That dam Michael Adams had done it again. First Adams got rid of Vince Dooley now he’s decided not to renew Uga VI’s contract. Adams announced his decision after the Kentucky game. Adams decided that the athletics department needs new blood lines on the field. “It’s time to put Uga VI out to pasture. Uga VI served us well but we need a new thing to motivate fans. We should get back to tradition and go back to the Goat. Our Dairy Science department has developed the ultimate fighting goat. “Goat II” will bring Georgia Athletics back to its glory,” Adams said. Adams came up with the idea after seeing a picture of “The Goat” at Georgia’s first football game against Auburn. “Nothing scared Auburn fans more than the billy goat in those days. We need an SEC championship and to do that, we need an intimidating mascot,” Adams said. When asked for comment, Uga VI barked furiously and later broke down into tears. Early in his career, Uga VI had faced serious depression. He was despondent when his weight ballooned to 55 pounds, 10 pounds heavier than his father, Uga V. Uga VI had turned to drugs, as reported in the 2001 To Hell with Georgia issue. After a lengthly rehab stay following the 2001 football season, where Uga VI was fed dogfood laced with methodone, Uga VI was placed on probation. The dog’s probation ended three months ago. Uga VI had expected a contract renewal if he remained clean. Ever since Uga VI kicked his drug habit, he had seeemd to be back into good spirits, even happily fighting Aubie the Tiger. “It’s just so sad what they’re doing to poor Uga VI. I don’t want to give any more money to this school until Adams changed his mind. Uga VI is my idol, my hero, my world. Why Georgia isn’t Georgia without its beloved bulldog,” said Mary-Lou Higgins, a cheerleader for the Red and Black. One of the reasons Adams changed to the goat is cost. “We have a whole department dedicated to making goats. It’ll be so easy to have subs for games. If one dies, we can just go down the road for a new one instead of worrying about Uga VI’s ability to breed. He’s not getting any younger and he’s not making babies as fast as he once did,” Adams said. Goat II will be unveiled in the 2004 Football opener. The goat will wear a red and black outfit to each “I don’t want that goat anywhere near my grass. Adams can stick his goat up you k n o w where,” said an anonym o u s SEC athletic director. Fans have begun protests. Buck “Sugar” Cook dropped 20 doggy bones on Adams’s doorstep. “I thought about dropping 100 but I only have 10 fingers and 10 toes. I had to do something. I hate goats, dang it, I don’t even drink goat milk and goat cheese? Phew that’s for them city folks,” Cook said. Athletics Director Vince Dooley has also announced plans to hold an investigation to what he calls “a leftwing conspiracy designed to overthrow Uga VI.” Students will hold a sit in at Sanford Stadium Dec. 4. Anyone who wants to attend can and participants are asked to wear “dawg heads” and red and black.

numbers

Average SAT score of this year’s football team. It’s a whole ten points up from last year’s class. Recruiting tools like free access to Georgia girls, playstations in the locker rooms and improved strength of the basketweaving and turf management classes contributed to the increase.

1
Number of classes a U[sic]GA student athlete is required to attend each week. Attendance is taken once a week to comply with the strict standards set for student athletes. Regular students usually don’t attend any.

6
Number of athletes on the football and basketball teams who can speak in complete sentences during interviews with the media. Mandatory grammer classes are required for team captains in football and basketball.

home game. A d ams’s announcement had raised protests f r o m other SEC schools as well. Other schools’ goats have been known to chew and eat grass and turf.

16
Number of points Florida scored in its win against Georgia at this year’s contest in Jacksonville. The Dawgs scored 13 points in the loss against the victorious Gators.

Q&A with “swinging” Jim Harrick sports
By Muddy Buckles Chugging along Former UGA basketball coach Jim Harrick, now a pro scout for the NBA’s Denver Nuggets, sits down with To Hell with Georgia’s Muddy Buckles to discuss his tumultuous college coaching career as well as his transition to the pro game. Harrick left UGA in a blaze of scandal after a few unscrupulus actions by him and his coaching staff were revealed to the public. M.B.: Coach, thanks for taking the time to talk with us. J.H.: Yeah, yeah. Let’s make this fast. I’m dealing with a laundry list of lawsuits right now. M.B.: First off coach, Georgia took a chance on you in 1999 despite your troubled past. Why did you feel Athens was the right place for you? J.H.: Well, from an athletics standpoint, you can get away with murder there. Georgia’s multiple NCAA infractions during Vince Dooley’s tenure were extremely attractive to me, and I was initially blown away by their willingness to break the rules. It was an atmosphere conducive to weaving one of my many trademark webs of deceit. The nightlife is also a plus. Even an older guy like me can get lucky there (chuckles). I felt it was a perfect fit. M.B.: Your son, Jim, Jr., took a lot of heat for the NCAA sanctions re-

shorts

Cocks destroy bushes in break-in
Last Monday, a group of angry Gamecock fans broke into Sanford Stadium and set fire to the beloved hedges that line the stadium. The motivation behind the break-in was the devestating loss the Cocks suffered at the hands of the Dawgs this season. President Michael Adams called the crime an outrage. “Leave our bushes alone,” Adams said. Adams demanded that the University of South Carolina pay to regrow the hedges and install a state of the art security system to prevent future theft. South Carolina has declined comment.

20,814
Average number of fans at Sanford Stadium who actually attended U[sic]GA. Over half of the fans at football games have never set foot in a classroom on campus.

0.201
Average blood alcohol content of a Dawg fan at halftime. Despite Sanford Stadium’s lack of alcohol at concession stands, fans still manage to have a roarin’ good ole time between the hedges during TV breaks.

on the fields
Event
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Special to THWUGA

Sanford Stadium to sell alcohol
After months of student and alumni protests, the Board of Regents has decided to allow the sale of alcohol in Sanford Stadium. The measure is designed to enhance the tailgating and fan experience at Sanford. With the measure, U[sic]GA hopes to best LSU and become the No. 1 destination for college football fans. Alcohol sales are expected to double the athletic department’s yearly revenue, as the average fan consumes four beers per game.

Last spring, Jim Harrick went down fast in the wake of a crippling scandal. He was accused of several NCAA infractions. His son also improperly taught a class in basketball techniques to several basketball players. sulting from the accusations of one of your former players, Tony Cole. Did you feel remorse for him initially being pegged as the culpable party in the whole fiasco? J.H.: Nah, Jim’s a big boy. I feel I did my best to take him under my wing at a young age. Jim has been privy to many a scheme of mine before they even came to their ultimate fruition over the years. I’m very proud of the shameless liar he has become. It’s just too bad I had to lose my job, too. Jim’s currently pursuing a job in the pornography industry, and my wife and I couldn’t be happier. He’s a Harrick through and through. See Big Jim, page 22

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Whooping at Bobby Dodd Mudbogging at Truitt Cow tippin’ Nationals Whiffleball at Auburn Monster Truck Rally Redneck Nationals Quailhunting at Darton
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