Funny Stupid Jokes
The Romantic Sailor
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a
handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow
you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the
woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then
on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
Th k l t h di d b th t i d i ti i ti
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free
trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me."
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"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and
hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and
told him: "I've kidnapped y y g, pp your kid.
pp you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped y
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The bl d h d h h k d' h d h h h h
Th blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the
tree $10,000 said, How
pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10 000 with a note that said "How
could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Son in Law
The Son-in-Law
A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door
and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" the
mom asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a
husband," replies the daughter.
Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her
vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a
husband," li the d ht
h b d " replies th daughter.
A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into
the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching
him.
TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him
"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
Drugs & Circular Logic
Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade
enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.
“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”
“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and
drugs.
the little circle was their brain after drugs ”
The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”
“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.
“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole
before prison...’”
Blonde Husband
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He
rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
Im attack woman.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up
and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming
wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,
i the l t floor.
cowering on th closet fl
"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running
kids!
around naked scaring the kids!"
Social Worker
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.You
know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening
from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful
nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
l h B f h long h
your clothes. Because of the l l ll be d d You'll be d
hours, meals will b provided. Y 'll b expected to escort
her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're puttin' me on!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Mentally Stable
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
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pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her
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to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
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When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good
you're
news is you re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his
b i h f d hi b h ' d d"
robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
Crying Girl
A guy is hiking up a mountain when he notices a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying
profusely.
“Hey,” he says, “if you’re going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?”
My life’s crap, girl. So well.
“My life s been nothing but crap” says the girl “So I might as well ”
After the girl’s done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?”
The girl replies, “My family disowned me for dressing like a woman.”
Peacock Son
An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old
man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a
peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."