1. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
2. b t ti is h bus t train t ti
A bus station i where a b stops. A t i station i where a t i stops. O
is h train t On
my desk, I have a work station..
3. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
4. p p
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoysj y
it?
5. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all
doubt.
6.
6 us, entertaining.
If God is watching us the least we can do is be entertaining
7. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
8. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't
help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
9. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box
to start a campfire?
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
forgiveness.
bike and asked for forgiveness
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6
6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the policepolice.
7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
9. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
10. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
night
same night.
2. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish?
3. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
4. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't
need it.
5
5. chess,
A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick
boxing.
6. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?“
7. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head d beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
b ld h d and a b d ill hi k h
8. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
9. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency,
notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
ot y OC O at s y ot e go g do
10. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?
1. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection make him a sandwich
erection, sandwich.
2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
3. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
4. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.
5. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
regularly, reason.
changed regularly and for the same reason
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit
salad.
7. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and
lk Then d h lli h
talk. Th you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit d d h
i down and shut-
up.
8. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9.
9 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
y ot e e e sa t e o y ca g e so o a b tc
10. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
1. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
2. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
3. l i is ll h i f b d
A clear conscience i usually the sign of a bad memory.
4. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
5. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
6
6. caught
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
8. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
9. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
10. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful
woman.
man is usually another woman
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really
bl
i trouble.
in
14. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
15. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.