Funny Redneck Jokes
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Redneck’s Children
j your twelfth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?"
"You've just had y y y g g
"Phil"
"But you named the last eleven Phil"
"Yeah its great. I say Phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Phil come for dinner,
they all come for dinner."
"But what if you only want one of them?"
"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."
You Might Be a Redneck if…
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
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You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines.“
You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.
You think "taking out the trash“ means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
grade.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade
You refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".
Your parents met at a family reunion.
You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol
out of the schools
state s divorced
Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and
sister.
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Redneck’s First Time
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Bubba-Joe was riding in Jed’s truck
Jed pulled over, got out and pointed down yawnder and said, "Thats where I first had sex."
Bubba-Joe said,"How was it?"
Jed said,"It was great til' I looked up and saw her mom was watchin."
Bubba-Joe yelled,"Oh shit, what did she say??"
Jed replied "Baaa"
Redneck Wins Lottery
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Jackson to claim it and the man verifies his
ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”
Th man replied, “N sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get
The li d “No, i I d ’ k h W i illi d d h ’ll
the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”
The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19
years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give
me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”
Top 15 Redneck Songs
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15. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
10. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
9. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
8 I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here
8. I m It s
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I’d Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I’ve Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.
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How to Tell if You’re a Redneck Jedi
If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”
If you ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
X-Wings colored.
At least one wing of your X Wings is primer colored
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
The Redneck Farmer
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One day a redneck farmer goes to farmers market and asks "Do you have any donkeys?"
"Yes, but we call them asses" the man replies.
"Ok, I'll take one" says the farmer “Also I need a rooster, have you got any?"
"No" replies the man “But we do have some cockrells, will that do?"
"Sure" says the man "Gimme one of those too"
When he arrived home he found that both his new animals were being quite troublesome.
He called his wife and said "You bend down and grab my cock, while I slap my ass"
Redneck Fishing
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a
cabin in the woods.
They d f
Th spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you
realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”
The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
Redneck Wins Lottery
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Jackson to claim it and the man verifies his
ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”
Th man replied, “N sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get
The li d “No, i I d ’ k h W i illi d d h ’ll
the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”
The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19
years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give
me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”
Redneck s
Redneck’s Uncle
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of
control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
H asked hi b h h hi if doing d his b h id “D ’ b d i fi
He k d his brother how his wife was d i and hi brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine
and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your
wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some
trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”
Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
Th husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”
The h b d l d d “Th ’ l l !A d h dd hf ?”
The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”