kims skater translations by housework


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									Skater Translations by Kim Perkins*

“I'm out of shape."

Translation: I work out 5 hours a day and haven't taken a day off since Kurt Cobain was alive. I
replace my wheels more often than you wash your socks. My body fat percentage is lower than
your mortgage rate.

"This is just a warmup lap."

Translation: For the first 20 yards – then I will attack. We will climb the hill as though chased by
machete-wielding terrorists. We will rip through red lights, bowl over baby carriages and cut in
front of gypsy cabs. I will be first to the line even if I have to rip the back pocket off your skinsuit,
squirt Gu in your eyes and ask you how to program my DVD player. Once I can speak in full
sentences again, I will ask if you're ready to skate for real.

"I'm on my old, crappy skates today."

Translation: I had these babies custom-made using NASA gyroscopes and carbon blessed by the
Pope. I put them on a postage scale and they levitated.

"It's not that hilly."

Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections
or you'll fall over -- backward.

“It's not a fast downhill, you won't need to brake.”

Translation: Well, maybe just little bit –- the locals have been giving us hell about the sonic

“The pavement's pretty good overall.”

Translation: You did bring the Loc-Tite, right? And the dental cement for your fillings? Oh, and
watch out for the orphan children, who like to camp inside the potholes.

"You're doing great, honey."

Translation: Yo, lard-o, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending
the winter watching football and gobbling sausages. I shoulda married that cute French pro when
I had the chance.

"This skate has a no-drop rule."

Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing. It's for the search-and-rescue dogs.

* Liberally ripping off “Roadie Translations” currently circulating on cycling websites

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