MEN ARE DOGS By Ralph C. Cooper Jr. MEN ARE DOGS By Ralph C. Cooper Jr. CHARACTERS REX: MALE BUFFY: FEMALE WAITER - MALE/FEMALE SETTING A TABLE AT A RESTAURANT (BUFFY is seated at a two person table. REX spots her, and runs over to the table to sit next to her. REX is overly excited when he sits down.) REX (extending hand): Hi, I’m Rex. Your blind date. BUFFY: I’m Buffy. Nice to meet you. (BUFFY extends her hand, and REX licks it.) BUFFY: What are you doing? REX: What? BUFFY: You just -… REX: Where are you from? Wait let me guess. BUFFY: I knew I shouldn’t have agreed-…what are you doing-...? (REX has risen from the table, and tries to smells BUFFY’s butt then returns to his seat.) BUFFY: Okay. That’s it. REX: What? BUFFY: I’m outta here. (BUFFY mistakenly knocks a cup off the table. And REX hops from his chair, and quickly picks it up with his teeth and puts it back on the table.) REX: What? (BUFFY knocks it over again, and just as quickly REX rises from the table, picks it up with his teeth, and places it on the table then returns to his seat.) REX: What? (The WAITER approaches the table.) WAITER - Would you like something to drink? (Suddenly REX leaps from the table confrontationally.) REX: What are you looking at? Did I say you could talk to her? Did I? Did I? Did I? You want a piece of me? Who do you think you are? You want a piece…huh, huh, huh? BUFFY (knocks over cup): It’s okay. (REX quickly turns and picks up the cup with his teeth and puts it on the table then returns to his seat.) BUFFY: I’ll have a coke and um, water for Rex. REX: You’re looking at me like you want a piece? You must want a piece. BRING IT ON!!! BUFFY: It’s okay. REX. (BUFFY knocks over the cup, and REX retrieves it again, then returns to his seat.) REX: What? BUFFY: I think I like you. REX: You do? (REX jumps from his chair and dances for joy until…) BUFFY: That’s enough. Sit down. Sit. (REX quickly returns to his seat.) REX: What? (When the WAITER returns with their drinks, REX leaps from the table.) REX: You again. Come on. Come on. COME ON! Waiter - Gimme a break, will ya? BUFFY: REX! (REX stops, slinks into his seat as if scolded, and sits sadly with his head on the table.) BUFFY: I’m sorry about him. WAITER: You ought to be. That’s $9.00. BUFFY: Nine dollars. For a coke and a water. What do you think about that REX? You think that’s too much? REX (suddenly alert): Yeah. BUFFY: You think that’s too much REX? WAITER - Wait, wait, wait! REX: YEAH! (REX attacks the WAITER until the WAITER is off-stage. As this is going on, BUFFY knocks over the cup. ) BUFFY – REX! (REX returns to his seat.) REX: What? Oh? (REX notices the cup has fallen off the table, retrieves it again then sits.) REX: What? BUFFY: I gotta say, Rex. You’re the most interesting person I’ve met in a long time. REX: You are too. I mean, you’re nice. (REX stands up with his back to the audience) You’re sweet. (REX unzips his pants) You’re awful pretty. (REX lifts one leg and pees on the table) I mean, you’re everything a man could ever want. (REX zips his pants and returns to the table). BUFFY: I think you’re handsome. I think you’d take care of me. You’re so strong. (BUFFY rubs his hair affectionately, and REX’s leg begins to twitter). BUFFY: And if anyone tries to hurt me… REX: I’ll protect you. BUFFY: Yes, you will, won’t ya! And you wouldn’t ever leave me. REX: Never. BUFFY: And you’ll keep me warm. REX: I-…I-...I-...I-... BUFFY: What is it? REX: I was thinkin’. BUFFY: You were? You won’t need to do that anymore. REX: Good. ‘cuz I was worried for a second there. Would you, um, like to, go out sometime? BUFFY: Sure. REX: Would you like to maybe come back to my place now? BUFFY: That sounds fun. REX: Do you want to make out? BUFFY: You know it. REX: How about right now? BUFFY: Why not. REX: In that case-… (REX knocks over the table, rushes BUFFY, and begins to hump her senseless. Finally, he calms down. Picks up the table. Picks up the cup with his teeth, and sits down.) REX: What? End.