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					THE NANNY EPS. #310 "HAVING HIS BABY" AIR DATE: 11/20/95

INT. LIVING ROOM/FRONT DOOR

NILES:

Miss Fine, some mail came for you.

FRAN:

A male?

Well, who is he?

What does he look like?

Did you let him get away?

NILES:

Miss Fine, this kind of mail.

FRAN:

Oh, well, I know him, Bill.

Look at this, something from Danny.

Oh, my ex-

fiance's baby was born.

NILES:

Yeah.

FRAN:

Look at that head of hair.

Oh, God, it's not his head.

NILES:

Well, at least Danny can be sure it's his.

FRAN:

Oh, Niles, do you ever think of having a kid of your own -- someone that you can

take care of, put to bed at night, rub Vicks on his little chest when he's sick?

NILES:

I already have one.

Isn't he adorable?

FRAN:

Ahhhhh.

NILES:

Miss Fine, are you all right?

FRAN:

Oh, yeah.

I just thought that by this age I'd have a child of my own.

And maybe

if I hadn't dumped Danny, maybe this little Chia pet could have been mine.

NILES:

Miss Fine, you still have plenty of time to have children.

FRAN:

Meanwhile, there's an expiration date stamped on my eggs, "best if used before you

start looking like your mother."

NILES: name?

Look at that.

He's really not so bad.

A lot of women like hairy men.

What's his

THE NANNY - #310 INT. LIVING ROOM/FRONT DOOR

FRAN:

Let me see.

Ah-oh!

Judy.

(COMMERCIAL)

INT. LIVING ROOM/FRONT DOOR

FRAN:

Oh, Niles, look at this little grooming set that I put together for Danny's baby. Oh, I'm just so jealous.

It's got a little comb and a little brush and an Eppa-lady Junior.

NILES: could see a

You know, Miss Fine, I can't see why this picture makes you yearn for a child.

I

Lhasa Apso.

FRAN:

Oh, stop! Stop!

It's not nice.

MAXWELL:

Miss Fine, I don't think I tell you often enough what a wonderful job you're doing. I want you to take the afternoon off and

So, I've got a little gift certificate here from Saks. have a shopping spree. Huh?

FRAN:

Somebody famous coming over this afternoon?

MAXWELL:

Uh-huh.

FRAN:

Trying to get rid of me?

MAXWELL:

Desperately.

FRAN:

Oh, are you still upset about that Charleton Heston thing?

I mean, so I went for a

lock of his hair.

How was I to know the whole thing would come off?

MAXWELL:

Please, Miss Fine.

FRAN:

It doesn't matter.

I'm very busy today.

I have to go buy my mother a birthday

present, take Brighten to the orthodontist, get tights for Gracie, visit Grandma Yetta at the home.

MAXWELL:

Good.

FRAN:

All of which I can do after I meet the famous person ...

Oh, my God.

It's Monica

Baker, the movie star. I just love you. THE NANNY - #310 INT. LIVING ROOM/FRONT DOOR

MONICA:

Well, then we have a lot in common.

FRAN:

I have followed your entire career.

Your affair with the Baldwin brothers, the

Bridges, and -- oh, I almost left out the Sheen brothers.

MONICA:

I wish I had.

BRIGHTEN: mean no?

Fran, I'm asking Alison to the Thanksgiving Day parade.

Does "Eat dirt and die"

FRAN:

Oh, give me the phone.

FRAN (PHONE):

Hi, Alison.

Yeah.

I hear your going to the parade with Brat Pitt.

No?

Well,

how about Johnny Depp? No? FRAN: She's desperate.

Well, honey, aren't you just being a little too cocky? She'll go out with anyone.

Uh-huh.

BRIGHTEN:

I love you.

FRAN:

I love you more.

MONICA:

Did I mention that I'm a famous movie star just standing here like a lump?

FRAN:

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come this way.

MONICA:

Cute son.

FRAN:

Oh, he's not my kid.

I'm the nanny.

If he were my son, he'd have big hair and be

a lifetime member of Weight Watchers.

MONICA:

I just left my baby Zack with his nanny.

FRAN:

Oh, everybody has a baby.

Look, my ex-boyfriend Danny and his wife just had one.

She's not breastfeeding, though.

The kid's on a low-silicone diet.

MONICA:

Oh, isn't it dangerous to have that puppy right on top of the baby?

Oh!

FRAN:

I know.

As much as I'd want to have a kid, something tells me I was better off not

dipping into that gene pool. THE NANNY - #310 INT. LIVING ROOM/FRONT DOOR

MONICA:

I went to a sperm bank.

FRAN:

Wow!

MONICA:

Husbands just get in the way of dating big time.

FRAN:

Oh.

No.

I don't feel that way.

I want to marry a guy, get pregnant, and have

someone to blame for making me swell and vomit for nine months.

MONICA:

Well, I thought so too, but I decided that I wanted to have a baby before I started

looking like my mother.

FRAN:

Ah, about this sperm bank, do they have an express line?

MONICA:

Well, it's really quite simple.

For a donor, I chose a rugged, outdoors man for a

with a passion for dirt biking and fixing cars.

FRAN:

Oh, do they have any Jewish guys?

INT. KITCHEN

GRACE:

Fran, are you sure this is how the pilgrims dressed?

FRAN: madam."

Oh, honey, I didn't get enough material.

So, they'll call her the "Mayflower

VAL:

Look at you, sewing kid's costumes.

Oh, you're gonna make such a good mother.

FRAN:

Oh, thank you.

What do you think, baby?

Am I gonna be a good mommy?

GRACE:

Sure.

It's easy.

Darling, my happiness isn't important, but would it kill you to Morty, put the seat down. I almost fell in.

give me one grandchild before I die?

FRAN:

That's the last time I let ma baby-sit for her.

VAL:

Fran, you know that I will support whatever you decide, don't you think people

would be a little shocked if you just showed up pregnant? THE NANNY - #310 INT. KITCHEN

FRAN:

Yeah.

They'd think I had a date.

You know, Val, to tell you the truth, I don't

really care what people think anymore. know if I'm ever gonna meet Mr. Right.

I mean, I know that I want to have a kid, and I don't

VAL:

Yeah, but artificial insemination?

FRAN:

Well, that's how I got here cause I know my parents have never --

VAL:

Look, I can't tell you what to do.

Your body's your own.

FRAN: take-out.

You got that right.

Cause if anybody else was using it, I wouldn't have to order

What do you think, Niles?

NILES:

Huh?

FRAN:

Should I have a baby?

NILES:

Miss Fine pregnant.

I'm not sure the world is ready for you in a muumuu.

FRAN:

Oh, hey, this mama ain't wearing no muumuu.

When that kid is born, you're gonna be

able to read "Donna Karan Control Top" across his little forehead.

VAL:

You know, Fran, this isn't gonna be easy.

There's gonna be a lot of pain and

suffering and possible embarrassment.

MAGGIE:

Oh, you guys going to another singles bar?

VAL/FRAN:

No!

VAL:

I'm talking about the delivery.

I mean, how do they manage to yank a whole little

human being out of you?

NILES:

Ahhhhh!

FRAN: sensitive ...

Well, it doesn't have to be so bad.

I mean, if you get somebody that's gentle and

THE NANNY - #310 INT. KITCHEN

VAL:

Yeah.

NILES:

Oh, come on, get out of there.

INT. SPERM BANK

VAL: mall?

This is such a weird location for a sperm bank, right in the middle of a shopping

FRAN:

Oh, well, it used to be a Semen's Furniture Showroom.

So they only had to change

half the sign.

NURSE: menu.

If you'd like to see profiles of the gentlemen who've contributed, here's our donor

VAL:

Oh, look at the selection.

FRAN: at No. 64.

Wow!

Boy, is everyone in the menu, or do you have, like, a catch of the day?

Look

VAL:

But he's got a weight problem, gastrointestinal abnormalities, and a mother who's

certifiably insane.

FRAN:

Right.

Well, I want him to fit in the family.

NURSE:

Do you see anything you like?

FRAN:

Um, No. 41 looks okay.

But, you know, I really need another second. No pun intended.

I mean, it

takes me a half an hour just to order from the Der Wienerschnitzel.

NURSE:

Maybe you'd like to take this home?

FRAN:

Oh, you know, you're right.

It's a big decision.

Come on, Val.

We'll go to

Hickory Farm next door and fill up on samples.

FRAN:

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Val, are you as embarrassed as I -- Val?

THE NANNY - #310 INT. LIBRARY

MAXWELL:

I just can't understand why we're not as productive as we were last last year.

Profits are down; ticket sales are down.

NILES:

But some figures are increasing.

CEE CEE:

Listen, Hazel ...

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Oh, don't you have something to dust off?

NILES:

How about the left side of your bed?

MAXWELL:

I'll tell you why we're not as productive.

Because the two of you never shut up.

NILES:

Well, you don't have to get nasty about it.

CEE CEE:

Well, excuse me for living.

FRAN:

Hi.

Knock!

Knock!

Mr. Sheffield, can I talk to you a minute?

MAXWELL:

Actually, I don't have the time.

FRAN:

You know, I've always thought of you as more than just an employer --

MAXWELL:

Miss Fine, I'm working.

FRAN:

You know, we're kind of like friends.

MAXWELL:

Very busy.

FRAN:

Oh, why don't I just cut to the chase.

What would you say if I told you I wanted

to have a baby?

MAXWELL (PHONE):

Niles, hold my calls.

NILES (OS)(PHONE):

Why?

MAXWELL (PHONE):

Mind your own bloody business.

It's private.

NILES (OS)(PHONE):

Sorry, sir.

MAXWELL:

So, go on, Miss Fine.

NILES (OS)(PHONE): THE NANNY - #310 INT. LIBRARY

Now, we can hear them, but they can't hear us ...

Oh, maybe it's this one.

CEE CEE (OS)(PHONE):

No, no, no.

It's that one, you jackass.

FRAN (PHONE):

It's the red one.

MAXWELL: come from?

All right.

So, why do you suddenly want to have a baby?

I mean, where did this

FRAN:

Oh, I've been thinking about this ever since Samantha had Tabitha on "Bewitched." What? It was better sucking up

You know, I don't know why Darren never let her use her powers. to Larry Tate for a raise? I was always with Endora on that one.

MAXWELL:

Miss Fine, how are you gonna have a baby without a man?

FRAN:

Mr. Sheffield, it's the '90s. All I need is a donor.

If they can grow a human ear on the back of a mouse,

I can have a baby.

MAXWELL:

A -- a donor?

You mean, someone that's just gonna give you ...

FRAN:

The fruit of his looms.

MAXWELL:

Well, who exactly do you have in mind?

FRAN: head of hair.

Oh, I've picked the perfect guy -- 41, tall, dark, handsome, creative, with a big So, what do you think?

MAXWELL: some thought.

Ah, well, ah, this is some -- this is a big decision.

I'm gonna have to give this

FRAN: your input.

Well, I'm glad that you're taking it seriously because, you know, I really value

MAXWELL:

Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

What do you think, Niles?

NILES:

I couldn't hear you, sir.

Leaf blowing.

MAXWELL:

Perhaps it'd work better if you switched it on?

(COMMERCIAL)

THE NANNY - #310 INT. HALL

MAXWELL (OS): MAXWELL:

Niles ... Oh, darn it, man, just get in here.

Help me.

INT. LIBRARY

NILES: corridors?

Don't do that, sir.

Don't we have enough scary things roaming around in the

MAXWELL:

Look, it seems Miss Fine is determined to go through with this baby thing.

And I'm

afraid she's gonna ask me to, ah, assist.

NILES:

Well, what makes you so sure she wants you?

MAXWELL: creative.

Oh, come on, man, she practically spelled it out.

She wants someone tall, handsome,

NILES:

Did she also mention cocky, vein, couldn't get the laundry in the hamper if his

life depended on it?

MAXWELL:

No.

NILES:

Then what are you worried about?

MAXWELL: help in this.

I'm telling you, she wants me.

She wants me real bad.

Niles, I'm gonna need your

NILES:

All right.

But there better be a damn big Christmas bonus in my stocking.

MAXWELL:

All right.

Now, let's not panic.

All she needs is someone to sit her down and

talk to her calmly and rationally.

INT. LIVING ROOM/FRONT DOOR

SYLVIA:

I'll kill her.

How could my own daughter not tell me that I am gonna be an

illegitimate grandmother?

MAXWELL:

I know.

I know.

NILES:

Can I get you anything?

SYLVIA:

No.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Maybe lunch ...

No fish.

MAXWELL:

Sylvia, I -- I didn't mean to alarm you.

I just thought you should know.

THE NANNY - #310 INT. LIVING ROOM/FRONT DOOR

SYLVIA: kid?

The girl is a nut.

She's totally lost her mind.

Who did she pick to father this

MAXWELL:

I believe it's me.

SYLVIA:

You could do a lot worse.

FRAN:

Ma?

What are you doing here?

SYLVIA:

Oh, I was just in the neighborhood catching up on the news, like my unmarried

daughter's gonna have a baby.

FRAN:

Ma, I can't plan my life around a husband.

It may never happen.

SYLVIA:

Well, I'm dead now.

Do what you want.

MAXWELL:

Sylvia!

SYLVIA:

Do you know what it's like for a child to grow up without a father?

FRAN:

Yeah, ma. I haven't seen daddy since Flushing got wired for cable.

SYLVIA:

He loves the Spice channel.

And I'll tell you, he has learned a few things.

MAXWELL:

Sylvia!

FRAN:

Ma!

SYLVIA:

Oh, fine, have a baby.

Do you know how long it takes to get your figure back?

FRAN:

I don't know, ma.

Thirty-two years?

SYLVIA:

Darling, you don't know what it's like to take care of a little one.

You are used

to three grown kids who don't even need you anymore.

FRAN:

Ma, lay off.

Get it?

As in lay off the unneeded nanny?

THE NANNY - #310 INT. LIVING ROOM/FRONT DOOR

SYLVIA: SYLIVA (OS): SYLVIA:

They would be lost without her. Oh, my God. It's Monica Baker. I can't tell you how many people meet me on the street and

swear that I am you.

FRAN:

Ma, that's Tammy Faye Baker.

Sit down.

Sit down.

MAXWELL: you?

Monica, we're having brunch with the Shuberts.

Why do you have your child with

MONICA:

My nanny is sick.

And I couldn't just leave him.

My poor little baby.

FRAN:

Well, if you want, I'd be happy to --

MONICA:

Okay.

FRAN:

Oh!

Hi.

MONICA:

Mommy loves you.

But the public loves mommy.

So she has to go.

Moi!

FRAN:

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, are we gonna have a ball.

Of course, some people here don't

think that I can take care of a little kid.

You like Spaghettios?

INT. KITCHEN

FRAN:

Oh!

You know what?

I'm full.

FRAN:

Here you go.

Don't drink and drive, honey.

INT. HALL

CEE CEE:

Goochy-goochy goo ...

ZACK:

Ahhhh!

THE NANNY - #310 INT. BEDROOM

FRAN:

Rocka-by-baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock ... when Oh, I

the bough breaks, the cradle will fall ... and down will come baby cradle and ... all. guess you just want to sleep, huh? want me to go? Lullaby ... All right. Good night, little fellow. Okay. Ssshhh! Ohhhhhh.

You don't

Well, I can sit here and cuddle with you.

Let's go to sleep.

Sorry.

INT. KITCHEN

FRAN:

Here you go.

MONICA:

Thanks again, Fran.

I hope he wasn't too much trouble.

FRAN:

Oh, no, not at all.

Bye Zacky.

MAXWELL:

Bye.

FRAN:

Bye-bye.

Oh, isn't he cute?

You should have seen him driving around in his little

car all over the house.

Oh, by the way, you know that ceramic vase that's in the hallway?

MAXWELL:

Oh, you mean the Picasso.

FRAN:

Oh, isn't he cute?

MAXWELL:

You know, you look good with a baby, Miss Fine.

FRAN:

Oh, thanks.

Well, you should hire me as your nanny.

Pay me 500 bucks a week, and Do you know that I

I'll quit my old job.

I'll tell you, this is the greatest day of my life.

taught him a new word -- Entermann's.

MAXWELL:

So I suppose your mind is made up about having a child?

FRAN:

Absolutely.

You know, I'm definitely not gonna have one right now.

MAXWELL:

What?

THE NANNY - #310 INT. KITCHEN

FRAN:

Yeah.

You know, when I put little Zacky to sleep, and he was lying there looking

so precious, I looked around, and there was no one to share it with.

MAXWELL:

I know what you mean, Miss Fine.

FRAN:

Oh ...

Well, I'll tell you.

I admire women that do it on their own.

But at the

end of the day, I want his daddy to come home so I can put the baby in his arms and say, "Here, your turn. I'm playing marjain.

MAXWELL:

Well, I must say I am relieved.

FRAN:

Why?

What have you got to do with it?

MAXWELL:

Well, I, you know, you were gonna ask me to ...

FRAN: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Wait a minute. Ha!

Do you think that I was gonna ask you to be the father?

Ahhhhh!

MAXWELL:

I most certainly did not.

FRAN:

Ohhh.

MAXWELL:

And you could do worse.

FRAN:

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, are your feelings hurt that I wasn't gonna ask you?

MAXWELL:

No.

FRAN:

Come on, you're my boss. Wait a minute.

I'm your nanny.

What were you gonna do? No, no.

Pay me to take You

care of our kid?

This could work out.

It would be too weird.

know, if you want to have a baby with me, Maxwell Sheffield, you're just gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way.

MAXWELL:

Marry you?

FRAN:

Yeah, that too.

THE END


				
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