Quotes Budgeting, Making A Living-- "By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends." Progress, Population Growth-- "Suburbs - where they cut down the trees and then name the streets after them." Earthquake predictors are faultfinders.
*Engineering Dictionary* What the Engineer says (What it really means) A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still grasping at straws.) We're working on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.) Close project coordination. (We know who to blame.) Major technological break through. (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.) Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured. (We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.) Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) Test results were extremely gratifying. (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only person who understood the thing quit.) It is in process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.) We'll look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.) Please read and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.) Give us the benefit of your thoughts. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)
Give us your interpretation. (I can't wait to hear this!) See me, or Let's Discuss. (Come into my office, I'm lonely.) All new! (Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.) Rugged (Too heavy to lift!) Lightweight (Lighter than rugged.) Years of development (One finally worked.) Energy saving (Achieved when the power switch is off.) Low maintenance (Impossible to fix if broken.)
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS. Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So, candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Remember - "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS". Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That's why I had to pass this on - I didn't want to risk it.
"Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
*First Date* A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "We hadn't started eating yet."
Five Steps to a Healthy Diet The Federal Drug and Food Administration is planning to issue a guide for proper eating that advises you to: A. List your ten favorite foods. B. List your five favorite beverages. C. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees. D. List water. E. Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D.
Generation Gap Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students. My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. "What are all these books?" he asked. Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias. "Really?" he said. Someone printed out the whole thing?"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
"No one can be caught in places he doesn't visit." - Danish Proverb
Last Request An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside. "I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within." The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000." The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount!"
*Cast Off* An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said.
"I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"
Diagnosis Pun A man walks into the psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I keep having this recurring feeling that I'm going to shrink! What can I do?" The doctor replied, "Now, calm down, you just need to be a little patient."
Marriage, Compatability A friend asked a gentleman why he never married? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man."
*End Nail Biting* Two Elderly Ladies At Tea Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"
*You Know You're In Trouble When* You Know You're In Trouble When ...
Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich. Your suggestion box starts ticking. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had. The simple instructions enclosed aren't. People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary. The plumber floats by on your kitchen table. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
*What He Says - What He Means* "I'm going fishing." Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear." Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works." "We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?" "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse." "You look terrific." Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
A Teenager is . . . -A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. -A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. -A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday. -Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. -A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. -A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license. -A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud. -An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. -A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother. -A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. -A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. -A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing. -An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Textbook For Sale Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the college notice board at the beginning of each semester. One read: "Introduction to Psychology, $8, never used." The card was signed, "Must sell." The next day a note had been added: "Good price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."
Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."
*Fishing Trip* "So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband." "Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon. "All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
*Military Computer* Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
Actual Hiker Comments These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." "All the mile markers are missing this year." "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse." "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." "Need more signs to keep area pristine." "A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head." "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." "Too many rocks in the mountains."
*Ladies' Tee* It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!" Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee!" Murray had had enough. He broke his stance, lowered his driver back to
the ground and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?"
*Job Interview* Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for. "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?" "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah, but you started it."
*Divy It Up* Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"
Blame When the English playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club late at night after witnessing the first presentation of a play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How did your play go tonight, Oscar? "Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience was a failure."
*Hearing Test* A man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?" The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?" She says, "for the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
Wire Back-up One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."
Exam Hand During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit. "Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?" "Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."
New Beginnings My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
*Cooking Terms* Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE." Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in. Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Calories That Don't Count Dieting is a lot easier when you factor in recently determined calorie counting principles. The following are calories that don't count: CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be rude. But don't worry, because the calories don't count.
FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down. OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it. INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them. LEFTOVERS: An extra hamburger, a hotdog butt, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen. TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of a TV has no calories. This may have something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. In fact, entire " no-calories dinners" are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose. ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example, chocolate kisses, cubes of cheese, or maraschino cherries. CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything purchased, produced or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca-consumed for demonstration purposes-up to and including cookies baked and sent to college. CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. I heard this last Sunday. LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. AND LAST, FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hotdog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.
Time Not to be Smart The blade zoomed downward, but stopped just an inch short of the priest's throat. All assembled agreed that it was divine intervention, and let the priest go free. The drunkard was pulled forward next, and decided to copy the priest, hoping he would get as lucky. Again the blade zoomed down but stopped just short of the drunkard's throat. So the authorities released him as well. It was finally the engineer's turn.
He, like the others, decided to face upward. The blade slowly raised back into place. "Oh, hey, I think I know what the problem is." The engineer exclaimed. "That cable to the left appears to be catching the rope!"