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I’m out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot

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Page 1

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Texas - At least our cows are sane!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine

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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain just to be a vegetarian
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Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative
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If we aren't supposed to be eating animals, then why are they made of meat?
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Page 2

Forget about world peace... ...visualize using your turn signal
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Warning: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else
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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
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He who laughs last thinks slowest

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else
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Page 3

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
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I souport publik edukasion

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There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a big rock
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I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
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All generalizations are false

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Page 4

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Learn from your parents' mistakes use birth control
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I'm not as think as you drunk I am

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Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
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The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
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Few women admit their age...fewer men act it.
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Page 5

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How can I miss you if you won't go away?
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
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We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
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Horn broken. Watch for finger.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
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Page 6

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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
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Happiness is a beltfed weapon.

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It is as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get us.
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Friends don't let friends drive naked.

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Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
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Page 7

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We’re born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
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A day without sunshine is like, night.

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On the other hand, you have different fingers

Page 8

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When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty

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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
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Honk if you love peace and quiet

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Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Page 9 I intend to live forever -- so far, so good

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Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
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He who hesitates is probably right

No one is listening until you make a mistake
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Page 10 Success always occurs in private and failure in full view

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The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
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The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles
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Page 11 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before
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A fool and his money are soon partying

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

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Page 12 Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!

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If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...
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Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
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Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned
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Page 13 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

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Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
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Half the people you know are below average

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
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Page 14 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper

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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
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A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your partner will give you for free.
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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Filthy, Stinking Rich - Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
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Page Real Men15Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair

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Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Bumper Sticker Bears No Message at This Time
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Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
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Procrastinate Now

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Rehab is for Quitters

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

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I Have PageDegree a 16 in Liberal ArtsDo You Want Fries With That?
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ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING
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A hangover is the wrath of grapes

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park somewhere else!
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They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
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He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead

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Page 17 Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe In Gosh

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A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory

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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

HAM AND EGGS A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
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Hard Work Will Pay Off Later. Laziness Pays Off Now!

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

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Page 18 Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.

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My Wild Oats Have Turned Into Shredded Wheat

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(Around a picture of dandelions): I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

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I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

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Page 19 At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All - I Just Can't Remember It All

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My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

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I Just Do What the Voices Inside My Head Tell Me to Do
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If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
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Remain.com

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience with Princes, Seeks Frogs.
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(Seen on Page 20 (Seen on the back of a the back of a motorcyclist): motorcyclist): If You Can Read This, If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off My Wife Fell Off

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I Used to be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now

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If I Had Known Being a Grandparent Was So Much Fun, I Would Have Done It First!
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(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota): My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
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Veni, Vidi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

What if the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?

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Coffee,Page 21 Chocolate, Men...Some Things are Just Better Rich
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Liberal Arts Major...Will Think for Food

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Growing Old Is Inevitable; Growing Up Is Optional

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

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IRS Be Audit You Can Be

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

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Page Breakfast If You Want 22 in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen

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In Dog Years, I'm Dead

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Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye-opener

If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You

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The Trouble with the Gene Pool Is that There's No Life Guard

It's Hard to be Nostalgic It's Hard to be Nostalgic When You Can't When You Can't Remember Anything Remember Anything

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Page 23 Dinner Is Ready when the Smoke Alarm Goes Off

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I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

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Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

A Day without Sunshine Is Like Night

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First Things First, But Not Necessarily in That Order

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

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Page working I'm not into24 out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

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The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
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Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific

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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?

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I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my Gosh... I could be eating a slow Actual Bumper Stickers learner.

Page 25 I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

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Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

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Minds are like parachutes. They work best when open.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

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Page 26 Indecision is the key to flexibility.

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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Am I getting smart with you? .…And even if I were, how would you know?

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I put the fun in dysfunctional.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.

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Page of I get plenty27 exercise -jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging Actual deadlines. Bumper Stickers

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On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

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I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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There are two rules for There are two rules for ultimate success in life. ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything 1. Never tell everything you know. you know.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

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Page 28 Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

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Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

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The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

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When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

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Page 29 If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
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If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

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When someone asks When someone asks you, A penny for your you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put thoughts, and you put your two cents in, your two cents in, what happens to the what happens to the other penny? other penny?
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Page 30 If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

If lawyers are disbarred and If lawyers are Bumper Stickers disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? cleaners depressed?
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

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It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

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Page 31 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

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You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me & not you!

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You are depriving some poor village somewhere of its IDIOT

Grow your own dope, plant a man

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All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

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Page 32 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Bumper Stickers WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

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BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

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We’re the IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

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Page 33 Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

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Ever stop to think, & forget to start again?

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