Jive Newsletter - PDF by Levone


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Issue 2
Ladies; seize your gentleman partner in both hands and throw him vigorously at the glitter-ball in the middle of the ceiling. Step smartly towards the bar to avoid concussion as he plummets towards the dance-floor and reward yourself with a tin mug of tree-bark vodka. As your partner is staggering to his feet, kick him merrily about the shins with your steel toe-capped wellington boots, and remind him that he is a no-good lazy-bones (‘glabrodshukz nanaaa’) who should be confined to the pig byre for the remainder of the evening. See him off the floor, have another mug of vodka and spend the rest of the evening jiving with the girls round oil-drums full of blazing oily rags. Next time, we’ll be considering some former Communist Russian jive moves: ‘Klobynzczy Raduzh Refgfliuk’ (‘Let us celebrate increased production of pig iron’) and ‘Horo Horo Nodzyzxklaz Neghevy Lokychs Znzacroa’ (‘I love your thick lyle stockings’).

Welcome to our second edition!
New committee, new website – and now a new edition of our regular newsletter, telling you all that’s hot and happening at Mottram Jive Club! And talking of hot, summer’s here at last, and we’re switching on the air-conditioning to keep all you hep cool cats űber-chilled when you take to the dance-floor!

More men urgently needed! We keep on welcoming plenty of new members to Mottram Jive Club all the time, which is great – but we need it to be raining men! As always in the world of dancing, choirs and amateur acting, blokes are in short supply, usually claiming that they have two left feet and as much rhythmic skill as a doorstep. So please, anyone and everyone, if you spot your man – any man - fleeing the pleasures of the dance-floor for the allure of football, darts or motionless catatonia in front of Sky Sports, do all you can to bring them along! Once they get there, the sight of all that limitless eager-to-dance feminine pulchritude is enough to persuade any red-blooded male to stay and demonstrate the potency of his double pretzel!

A rarely taught Bulgarian jitterbug special
Cramlyczny Vorzhduk Jahabobbylc (‘The old woman hefts the ox on her shoulder’) This move is taken from traditional Bulgarian jive, which involves headscarved baboushkas lifting their partners and juggling them together with items of heavy agricultural equipment, whilst dancing to the curious staccato clatter of Grodnyscucz bands. These ancient and rustic village musical collectives re-create old Bill Haley numbers by banging donkey jaw-bones together and stamping on pigs’ bladders full of lard.
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Make a date for Saturday the 11th July!
This year our Summer Ball takes place at the Guildhall, Stockport on Saturday the 11th July from 7.30 pm until late. For more information about the venue and its location, log on to http://www.stockport-guildhall.co.uk/ Members-only tickets are just £20 and they’re on sale at the door every Thursday night at Mottram Jive Club up to and including the 18th June – after that, they’ll be £25 for both members and non-members. As always, the Club is contributing significant funds towards subsidising the cost of each ticket, which provides you with a starry venue, a superb dance floor, bar, delicious dinner and great music from one of our top DJs for a very reasonable outlay. This promises to be one of the top events of the summer dance season – and dress code is black tie or lounge suits for the men, cocktail dresses or gowns for the ladies. Tickets are available over the next few weeks - but hurry; numbers are limited and we’re already receiving advanced bookings!

For the best dance club value in the North
Pretty well all other jive clubs in the North are commercially run for profit or are franchises – which means members get nothing more than entry to a jive night for their money. However, as a non-commercial venture, your Mottram Jive Club committee is keen to give you best value for money anywhere, so we charge less entry money than most other clubs - plus just £10 annual membership entitles you a full calendar of events for the whole year. You’ll already have read about our July dance, but there’ll also be a Mottram Jive Club birthday party on Thursday the 2nd July, a back-to-school party on the 3rd September, plus plenty more events for the autumn and winter season. So join our club, support our activities – and be sure of the best party of the week every Thursday night!

No. 416 – the world’s most complex jive move
The longest ever continuous jive move contains over a billion individual elements and was worked out by Professor Ashida Nukomora of Tokyo University, who has devoted his life to calculating the greatest number of decimal places of pi ( ) using the Kray Multivac super-computer harnessed to an inverse binary algorithm with an accuracy of 339/108 ≈ 3.139+ cosine x. As a keen jiver, Professor Nukomora assigned an individual movement of just 3 millimetres to each decimal place, and instructed two volunteers in chafe-proof protective rubber scuba suits (deep-sea jivers) to commence dancing on June 12th 1963. Having only completed 97,000 moves without stopping, they retired exhausted in October 1965, when the move was taken up by two former Olympic athletes, who speeded up the process and wore out 618 copies of ‘Jailhouse Lock’ (by an Japanese Elvis impersonator) between 1965 and 1977. Since then, the move has been performed by students of Yazukoida Advanced Mathematical Institute, Kobe. However, their poor coordination and forgetfulness means they keep forgetting how far they’ve got and have to keep starting again from the beginning, so it’s not predicted that they’ll finish until 4.43pm on January 15th 3097AD.

Ask the DJ!
If you fancy dancing to your favourite music, simply ask the DJ to play a request! All you need to do is ask the DJ in plenty of time so that he can factor it in to his playlist – and he’ll do his best to spin it for you. If he hasn’t got your request in his library on the night, you can be sure he’ll do his best to play it next time!

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Mottram Jive Club is your club and this is your newsletter, so if you’d like to write something for inclusion, you’d be very welcome to do so! Here are a couple of welcome submissions from new member Joy Langford, who clearly has something medical on her mind… DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I went to the doc the other day for my test results. I said: "Give it to me straight Doc". He looked uncomfortably at his computer screen, avoiding eye contact. "I'm really sorry about this, but there's no doubt....it's er...well it's er..mm...it's jive fever". I recoiled in my seat, reflected for a moment, then asked: "Doc, is this why I keep visiting Mottram Village Hall, town halls and other similar places?" "I'm afraid so" he replied "and what's more, you'll probably find yourself becoming a member. "That's already happened Doc" I said. "Be honest....is there any hope?" "Six....maybe twelve months" he said "and then you'll notice you've begun to dance to a mediocre standard". "And then?" I asked "What happens then?" "It depends" he replied, "it could go either way. Your best chance is to continue with the therapy at Mottram Jive Club. To be frank, it's still a long shot". I slumped in my chair. "Err...thanks Doc". Follow-Up Appointment. I went back for my follow up appointment. "Mornin' Doc" I said cheerfully placing a pair of shiny red dance shoes on his desk. "What do you think of these then?" He looked up from his Angling Times and stared at them over the rim of his specs. "Oh no! “Dancing shoes! Any good?" he studied them intently. "Oh yes! Fantastic..they're magic, you know, like the genie's lamp. Adjustable tempo, spins, catapult, pretzels and.....". I stopped mid-flow, seeing the alarmed expression on his face. Any other problems?" he enquired. I babbled excitedly. "Well, I've tried the Kiwi, but the Cherry Blossom seems better. And the right one rubs a bit, and if I'm honest, they are a bit fast for me, I flail around a bit in them. "Look" I delved into my handbag and produced my mobile phone. "Have a look at this video on my phone". He looked at the screen. "Oh yes... Oh dear...I see what you mean, yes a bit fast for you...sort of....sort of dangerous really". "Oh dear, that's what I was thinking only I've been watching Strictly on telly and it's made me think, you see there's a dancing competition soon and I was wondering....." I noticed he had averted his eyes and was gazing out of the window. And far in the

distance, beyond the humdrum of daily sounds, a bird could be heard calling....Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo......."As I thought" he said "there is now very little hope for you. I think you need a holiday". "Oh....Oh I see.... if that's what the doctor advises. I must remember to pack my flip flips". Cuckoo Cuckoo..............

NO CURE FOR JIVE SICKNESS! Jive Sickness is an infection of the brain. It is highly contagious and can strike at any age. There is no know cure for the illness; though fancy genie-like dance shoes can be used to sever the link from the brain to the feet, allowing a higher degree of concentration during an attack. It has been said that consumption of alcohol can cause some relief for small periods; again, disengaging the brain from the feet - although, the side effects can sometimes be worse than the disease itself if too much is consumed. Symptoms come in cycles and sufferers have therapy sessions, once, twice and even three times per week. Some therapists concoct a series of complicated 'moves' in the belief that it can reduce symptoms for a while. Typical symptoms include:• Men and women holding each other as couples in close proximity, even if they are not a couple – and, indeed, some are even complete strangers. • Severe disruption of normal foot movement often involving gyrations and extremely sensual exhibitions, such as the female rubbing her foot up and down the leg of the male. • • • An unusual degree of smiling and laughing. Men conversing much more than usual. Men often smartening up and wearing more
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aftershave than normal (usually unheard of out of their work environs) • A strange language is used, examples such as ...cross-body, The Texan, The Columbian - and they talk about going into the French Girl… • Men are encouraged to grip the woman tightly round the waist and even place his hand on her hip (but it usually ends up on her bottom) - behaviour that would normally result in a slap around the face. • And the women expect and even INSIST on being led! I have been told that the government have been approached to fund proper research into the illness, but a spokesperson said that the NHS only had £50 left and this was needed to supply a recently traumatised GP with his monthly copy of The Angling Times.

If you have any remarks, ideas or articles you'd like including in the next issue of the Mottram Jive Club newsletter, please e-mail us with the details! E.mail: mjc@mottramjiveclub.org.uk

Mottram Jive Club. The Village Hall. Mottram St Andrew. Cheshire. SK10 4QP

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