Volume 5, Issue 5
Mississippi Department of Corrections
VOLUNTARY BIWEEKLY PAY SCHEDULE
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
AVAILABLE TO ALL MDOC EMPLOYEES JULY 1!
All MDOC employees will be eligible to start voluntarily receiving pay biweekly
Corr Today Feature 2 effective July 1, 2003. Many MDOC employees requested this payroll schedule in the
employee survey conducted by Mississippi State University. Most
Commissioner’s Corner 3 private sector employers have the biweekly pay schedule. Some of
the state government agencies are likewise on the biweekly pay
First Quarter Awards 4-7 schedule.
How does the biweekly payroll system work? On the biweekly
Training 8-9 pay schedule payroll is not run until after you have worked, unlike
the current monthly pay system where payroll is run during the
Editor’s Note 10 middle of the month before you actually work the time. Under the biweekly system,
work time for the pay cycle is cut off after 14 days. All timesheets are completely en-
Checklist tered during the next week. Payroll is run and checks or direct deposit slips are mailed
the following week after time is entered. Thus, it takes two weeks after the cut off date
• Insurance Notice: of the first pay cycle to process timesheets, and to run and mail payroll. Simply put,
There will be no pre- your pay is not withheld but delayed.
mium increase for de-
What are your benefits of the biweekly payroll schedule?
pendent coverage in
July. Ø You will receive a paycheck every two weeks instead of just once a month.
Ø You can get on direct deposit without having to have 40 hours of personal
• The trial period for leave. Since your check can be automatically deposited to your bank account,
ACE Direct Deposit you won’t have to fight long lines at the bank, or worry about getting to the
stubs will continue bank “in time” to make a deposit. It normally takes about two paycheck cy-
through June 30, 2003. cles for the bank to have the direct deposit active.
After that time elec-
tronic stubs in ACE Ø You get to see exactly what you are getting paid for since you have already
will be determined by worked the time. Your pay will be calculated according to the Mississippi
whether or not an em- State Personnel Board hourly rate for your salary.
ployee filled out their Ø You won’t have to have your check re-cut if you are on leave without pay dur-
form attached to the ing the month.
ACE mailer sent to
them by the State of Ø Your leave balance should be up to date on the biweekly check stub.
Miss. If we have any- Ø If you are due an 11-hour check for the 28-day work cycle, the amount due
one still wanting a pa- will be paid on the next biweekly check following the completion of the work
per stub and did not fill cycle.
out the form, they will
need to go by their per-
How will your deductions be handled?
sonnel/payroll office One-half of all your deductions will be taken from each biweekly check, except for
to complete the proper the months having three checks. Nothing will be withheld from your 3rd check except
paperwork by June 30. taxes and retirement.
(Continued on page 2)
Page 2 Volume 5, Issue 5
(Continued from page 1) from a monthly pay schedule to a bi-
If you have extra tax money being weekly schedule, your last monthly
withheld from your check, the extra check will always cover the complete
money will be divided manually by the month prior to changing to the bi-
payroll department and by the first two weekly payroll schedule.
biweekly checks each month. No extra Since you will initially be experi-
tax money will be withheld from your encing a difference in paycheck
3rd check. amounts and pay dates it may be wise
Your tax bracket will not be affected to advise your creditors of your change
by the biweekly payroll schedule. in pay schedule. Your personnel office
Your 2003 W-2 will be short by two will be glad to assist you with a letter
weeks pay that will be earned but not of explanation about your new pay pe-
paid until 2004. riod with your creditors.
What will be the biweekly paycheck How do I sign up for biweekly pay
Clips schedule? You must complete the nec- schedule? Visit your local personnel
essary paperwork by June 15 in order to office and complete the necessary pa-
be eligible to be on the biweekly pay perwork to enroll in the bi-weekly pay-
Healing Proverbs plan beginning July 1 that has a pay pe- roll program. Since the bi-weekly pay
riod start date of June 28. Your first bi- schedule begins July 1, all necessary
weekly work period for July will be for paperwork must be completed by June
“A man’s children the period of July 1- 11 which you will 15, 2003, in order to have an effective
and his garden both be paid on July 25. Your second bi- start date of July 1. The deadline for
reflect the amount of weekly pay period for July will be for sign up for any month thereafter, must
weeding done during the work period of July 12-25 and you be completed by the 15th of the prior
the growing season.” will be paid on August 8. Your pay- month. Due to payroll processing pro-
checks will continue to be biweekly cedures, once you change to the bi-
thereafter. weekly payroll schedule you cannot
Your June monthly check that will change back to the monthly payroll
“It doesn’t matter be paid on June 30 will cover the entire schedule.
who my father was; it month of June. Whenever you change Greg Duncan
matters who I remem-
ber he was.”
(Anne Sexton) Sisk Featured in Corrections Today
Branch Director Billy Sisk of the “I feel very hon-
“When I was a boy of Community Corrections Training Divi- ored but there are so
14, my father was so sion was recently featured in the April many other staff that
ignorant I could issue of Corrections Today. deserve to be recog- Branch Director Billy Sisk
hardly stand to have Sisk, a 15-year veteran with the Mis- nized for their dedi-
the old man around. sissippi Department of Corrections, be- cation and hard work. I will strive to
But when I got to be came coordinator in the training depart- continue to deliver quality training to
21, I was astonished at ment in 1995 and was appointed to his the MDOC staff,” says Sisk.
how much the old man current position two years later. For the The Community Corrections Divi-
had learned in seven last year, he has performed the duties of sion has employees statewide and Sisk
years.” all the training requirements and is re- often travels the state delivering train-
(Mark Twain) sponsible for developing, scheduling ing that is required by the MDOC. He
and delivering the workshops. often travels for weeks at a time while
His past experience as a former field still maintaining the necessary require-
“It is a wise father
officer pays off when he applies his ments of his job.
that knows his own training skills. Sisk takes his work seri- The MDOC commends Sisk and the
child.” ously and ensures his trainees receive dedication he has for the agency and
(William Shakespeare) the training adequate to their needs. the safety of his trainees.
The Resource Page 3
The week of May 4 – 10 was designated as National Correctional Officer Week, and
Governor Ronnie Musgrove issued an official proclamation “to recognize the professionalism
and dedication exhibited by the employees of the Mississippi Department of Corrections and
urge all residents to show their gratitude for the dedicated efforts of the employees in improv-
ing the criminal justice system.” In 1984, U.S. Senators Strom Thurmond of South Carolina
and Donald W. Riegle of Michigan, facilitated an approval of a replacement resolution by the
Senate, resulting in the first National Correctional Officers Week to be celebrated the first full
week of May, from Sunday through Saturday. It has been proclaimed at that time every year since 1984. In
keeping with this tradition, the Mississippi Department of Corrections was proud to recognize our valued
officers and also to reflect on the memory of the five fallen heroes who died in the line of duty.
The Mississippi Department of Corrections has a staff of over 2,800 correctional workers who provide
security in prisons, community work centers and restitution centers. Not all officers wear the blue; many are
field officers who are in our communities to supervise offenders on field supervision. A correctional offi-
cer’s work is an untiring job, one with a huge responsibility and not a lot of glory attached to it. These are
the very men and women who each day put their lives on the line and keep our communities safe.
Correctional Employee Recognition Week was recognized at our agency in many ways. At MSP, ban-
ners were posted at both gates, signs were posted recognizing our uniformed staff, and meals were provided
in appreciation of these valued employees. As a special gesture, all employees of MSP received a com-
memorative brick as a token of their appreciation for their tireless work in the American Correctional Asso-
ciation accreditation process. Brick by brick, old Camp Five was dismantled and each Parchman employee
received a brick inscribed with “Mississippi State Penitentiary – Established 1901 – ACA Accreditation
2003 – “For your contribution to this historical achievement.”
The Central Mississippi Correctional Facility recognized its honored employees with meals and a noon
memorial ceremony for those officers killed in the line of duty. The ACA Accreditation Certificate was un-
veiled and placed on display at the facility. The Correctional Peace Officer Foundation was on hand for
presentations and to announce winners of items produced and donated by the Mississippi Prison Industries
Corporation. Signs were also posted in declaration of this special week.
In Leakesville, at the South Mississippi Correctional Institution, many events marked the appreciation
week. A cookout was held for everyone with the supervisors from each shift assisting in the preparation of
the food. Krispy Kreme doughnuts were provided during each shift on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Posters and fliers were posted to honor the staff and the local newspaper also recognized these valued em-
All of these are expressions of appreciation for our officers and I value the work and commitments each
of you give to the agency on a daily basis. Your hard work and dedication does not go unnoticed by each of
your supervisors or me, and we are proud to be able to honor you during this special week. Each of you
gives freely of yourselves to protect and uphold the law. And last, but not least, let us remember Chester,
Ammie, James, Argentra and Sidney, who gave all.
“Work to become, not to acquire.”
Commissioner Chris Epps
Page 4 Volume 5, Issue 3
First Quarter Award Recipients 2003
Comm. Corrections Region II Staff
Employee of the Month
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps; CCD
Christy Gutherz; award recipients Pam Jenkins and
Comm. Corrections Region I 25 Year Award Recipient Bryan Burton; and Deputy Commissioner Lora Cole.
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps, award
recipient Henry Atkins, CCAD Bill Brand and Deputy Com-
missioner Lora Cole.
Comm. Corrections Region I 10 Year Service Awards
Pictured left to right: Comm. Chris Epps; award recipients
Jerry Carver, Alfred Bales and Ruben Martin; CCAD Bill
Brand; and Deputy Comm. Lora Cole.
Central Office Employee Of The Month Awards
Pictured left to right: Award recipients Deputy Comm.
Emmitt Sparkman, Bobbie Twiner, Tara Frazier and Comm.
Comm. Corrections Region I 5 Year Service Awards
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps; award recipi-
ents Amie Ruffin and Larry Williams; CCAD Bill Brand; and
Deputy Commissioner Lora Cole.
Comm. Corrections Region I
Extra Effort Award
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps, award
recipient Cindy Collums, CCAD Bill Brand, and Deputy
Comm. Lora Cole.
Comm. Corrections Region I 15 Year Service Award
Pictured left to right: Comm. Chris Epps, award recipient
Velicia Flore, CCAD Bill Brand and Deputy Comm. Lora
The Resource Page 5
Comm. Corrections Region II Fifteen Year Award Recipient
Comm. Corrections Region III
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps, award recipient Cheryl
Extra Effort Awards
Rogers, CCD Christy Gutherz; and Deputy Commissioner Lora Cole.
Pictured left to right: Comm. Chris Epps; CCAD Charles Bun-
nell; award recipients Jennifer Lucht, James Johnson, and
Gerald Hinton; and Deputy Commissioner Lora Cole.
Comm. Corrections Region II
Comm. Corrections Region II 5 Year Service Award Recipients Heroism Award
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps; CCD Christy Gutherz; Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps, CCD Christy Gutherz,
award recipients Robert Hughes, Alfreda Outlaw, Beatrice Griffin and award recipient Michael Bradshaw; and Deputy Commissioner Lora
Marcus McClure; and Deputy Commissioner Lora Cole. Cole.
Comm. Corrections Region III CO of the Month Award Comm. Corrections Region III CO of the Month Award
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps, CCAD Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps, CCAD
Charles Bunnell, award recipient William Melton and Deputy Charles Bunnell, award recipient Thomas Richey and Dep-
Commissioner Lora Cole. uty Commissioner Lora Cole.
Page 6 Volume 5, Issue 3
MSP Employee Of The Month Awards 5 Year Service Awards
Pictured left to right: Deputy Commissioner Emmitt Sparkman, Commissioner Chris Pictured left to right: Deputy Comm. Emmitt Sparkman, Comm. Chris
Epps, award recipients Victoria McFarland, Linda Washington, Dean Serio, Fred Epps, award recipients Melinda Buckner, Deborah Dekraai, Shirley
Moore, Gloria Gibbs, Nathaniel Boss and Superintendent Michael Wilson. Jackson, Glenda Morris, Jacqueline Paden, Sam Ross, Sherry Seals and
Supt. Michael Wilson.
MSP 20 Year Service Award
SMCI Employee of the Month Award
Pictured left to right: Deputy Commissioner Emmitt Sparkman,
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps, Deputy Comm. Emmitt
Commissioner Chris Epps, award recipient Bernice Jackson Sparkman, award recipient LaGradis Breland and Supt. Ron King.
and Superintendent Michael Wilson.
Comm. Corrections Region III MSP 10 Year Service Awards
Pictured left to right: Deputy Commissioner Emmitt Sparkman, Commissioner
15 Year Service Award Chris Epps, award recipients Lewis Anderson, Linda Brown, Maxine Conner,
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps, CCAD Melvin First, Linda Hall, Patricia Jones, Albert Love, Victoria McFarland, Annette
Charles Bunnell, award recipient Jerry Kennedy and Deputy Ratliff, Jacqueline Richardson, Quincy Smith, Tracy Stapleton and Superintendent
Commissioner Lora Cole. Michael Wilson.
The Resource Page 7
MSP 15 Year Service Awards
Pictured left to right: Deputy Comm. Emmitt Sparkman, Commissioner Chris Epps,
25 Year Service Awards award recipients Carolyn Banyard, Mary Craft, Lisa Echols, Ethel Hemphill, Stella
Pictured left to right: Deputy Comm. Emmitt Sparkman, Comm. Keaton, Debra Pannel, Patricia Reed, Lorene Scott and Supt. Michael Wilson.
Chris Epps, award recipients Joyce Jackson, Connie Moon, Jessie
Tiller and Supt. Michael Wilson.
SMCI 5 Year Service Awards
Pictured left to right: Comm. Chris Epps, award recipients Nancy Bolton, Deloris
Green, Marcia Hicks, Deputy Comm. Emmitt Sparkman, Andrew Mills, Donna Tay-
Central Office 20 Year Service Award lor, Gayla Williams, Ripling Wrinkle and Supt. Ron King.
Pictured left to right: Award recipient Jesse Smith and Commissioner
SMCI Extra Effort Awards MSP Extra Effort Awards
Pictured left to right: Commissioner Chris Epps, award recipients Ricky Pictured left to right: Deputy Comm. Emmitt Sparkman, Commissioner Chris Epps, award recipients Gloria
Neel, Frank Canale, Deputy Commissioner Emmitt Sparkman and Supt. Land, Willie Mell, Thomas Moss, James Gwin and Superintendent Michael Wilson.
Page 8 Volume 5, Issue 5
JUNE MSP TRAINING CALENDAR JUNE CMCF TRAINING CALENDAR
2 New Employee Orientation 8:00- 5:00 40
2 New Employee Orientation 8:00- 5:00 40
2 Annual Refresher Training 8:00- 5:00 40 Standard First Aid/CPR 8:00- 5:00 0
2 Rifle Qualification* – Refresher Make-up 8:00-12:00 4 (Orientation)
2 Excel II (MSP) 1:30- 5:00 3.5 2 If You are Taken Hostage 1:00- 3:00 2
3 Religious Program Review 1:00- 2:00 1 (CMCF)
3 Shotgun Qualification* 8:00- 5:00 8 2 HIV/AIDS Awareness (CMCF) 3:00- 5:00 2
3 Excel II (MSP) 8:30-12:00 3.5 3 Staff/Offender Relations 1:00- 3:00 2
3 Excel II (MSP) 1:30- 5:00 3.5 (CMCF)
4 Power Point II (MSP) 8:30-12:00 3.5 3 Bloodborne Pathogens (CMCF) 3:00- 5:00 2
4 Power Point II (MSP) 1:30- 5:00 3.5
4 Handgun Qualification* 8:00- 5:00 8
4 Standard First Aid/CPR (CMCF) 8:00- 5:00 8
5 Disciplinary Procedures 9:00-11:00 2 5 Sexual Misconduct with Offend- 2:00- 4:00 2
5 Rifle Qualification* – Annual Refresher 8:00- 5:00 8 ers (CMCF)
5 Access II (MSP) 8:30-12:00 3.5 6 Emergency Actions (CMCF) 1:00- 2:00 1
5 Access II(MSP) 1:30- 5:00 3.5
9 Correctional Officer Academy 8:00- 5:00 40
6 MS Outlook (MSP) 8:30-12:00 3.5
6 Remedial Firearms Training 8:00- 5:00 8 Rifle (Academy) 8:00- 5:00 0
9 Correctional Officer Academy 8:00- 5:00 40 9 Supervisor Management Training 8:00- 5:00 40
9 Annual Refresher Training 8:00- 5:00 40 (CMCF)
9 Rifle Qualification* – Refresher Make-up 8:00-12:00 4 16 Annual Refresher Training 8:00- 5:00 40
10 Emergency Plans 10:00-11:00 1
Standard First Aid/CPR 8:00- 5:00 0
10 Emergency Plans 11:00-12:00 1
10 Handgun Qualification* 8:00- 5:00 8 Rifle (Refresher) 8:00- 5:00 0
11 Handgun Qualification* 8:00- 5:00 8
23 Pre-Supervisory Management 8:00- 5:00 40
11 ERT Tactical 8:00- 5:00 8 Training
12 HIV/AIDS 8:30-10:30 2
12 Blood Borne Pathogens 10:30-12:30 2 MSP—New employee orientation will be con-
12 Rifle Qualification* – Annual Refresher 8:00- 5:00 8
ducted at MSP on June 2—6, 2003. The total
number attending is uncertain at this time.
13 Remedial Firearms Training 8:00- 5:00 8
There will be no MSP basic correctional officer
16 Correctional Officer Academy 8:00- 5:00 40 training academy conducted during the month
16 Annual Refresher Training 8:00- 5:00 40 of June. A 40 hour annual refresher course for
16 Supervisor Management Training 8:00- 5:00 40 CO’s will be conducted every week in the
16 Rifle Qualification* – Refresher Make-up 8:00-12:00 4 month of June. There are 40 slots per class - 38
for MSP and two for Community Corrections.
17 Range and Weapons Maintenance 8:00- 5:00 8
Supervisors: please ensure that your staff re-
18 Range and Weapons Maintenance 8:00- 5:00 8
ports to training on assigned dates.
18 ERT Support 8:00- 5:00 8 There will be two supervisor management
19 Rifle Qualification* – Annual Refresher 8:00- 5:00 8 training courses offered at MSP during the
20 Remedial Firearms Training 8:00- 5:00 8 month of June. This training is for corr-
23 Correctional Officer Academy 8:00- 5:00 40
administrators (majors), corr-commanders
(captains), corr-supervisors (lieutenants) and
23 Annual Refresher Training 8:00- 5:00 40
non-security supervisors. The dates for the su-
23 Firearms Training – Academy Class 8:00- 5:00 24 pervisor management training courses are June
24 Standard First Aid/CPR 8:00- 5:00 8 9—13 and June 16—20. There are 40 slots per
25 Workplace Violence 9:00-12:00 3 class.
26 CPR Re-certification 8:30-12:30 4 In-service training at MSP is offered daily.
26 Rifle Qualification* – Annual Refresher 8:00- 5:00 8
You must sign up at least 48 hours in advance
to attend the classes.
27 Remedial Firearms Training 8:00- 5:00 8
30 Annual Refresher Training 8:00- 5:00 40
The Resource Volume 5, Issue 5
SMCI—New employee orientation is scheduled for June 2—6.
JUNE SMCI TRAINING CALENDAR Supervisor management will be held June 2—5. The basic training
academy will be held June 9—27. Annual refresher will be held
2 New Employee Orientation 8:00—5:00 June 9—13 and 16—20. Chemical Agents re-certification will be
2 Supervisor Management Training 8:00—5:00 held on June 11 at 3 p.m. Rifle re-certification (4 hour) is sched-
uled for June 12 and 19 starting at 13:00 hours until. In-service
2 Time Sheets 10:00—11:00
classes are scheduled throughout the entire month (check the cal-
2 Employee Assistance Program (EAP) 3:00—4:00 endar for dates). Check the lobby of your work area for informa-
3 Emergency Action/Procedures 10:00—11:00 tion, classroom location and time. For more details or to request
training forms please call Lt. Martin McLendon at (601) 394-5600
3 Bloodborne Pathogens 3:00—5:00 ext. 1461 or 1019.
4 Standard First Aid/CPR 8:00—5:00 Clintis McCray, Director
5 Disciplinary Procedures 10:00—11:00
6 HIV/AIDS Awareness 1:00—2:00 METH DISCOVERY
6 Key Control 3:00—4:00 NETS MONEY FOR
6 Cultural Diversity 4:00—5:00
9 Correctional Officer Academy 8:00—5:00
9 Annual Refresher Training 8:00—5:00 Hattiesburg probation and
9 Signs of a Suicide Risk/Suicide Prevention 2:00—4:00
parole officers presented Com-
Pictured left to right: Jennifer Lucht, missioner Chris Epps with a
10 Emergency Actions/Procedures 10:00—11:00 Comm. Chris Epps, M.L. Henley and
CCAD Charles Bunnell. check from the Mississippi Bu-
10 Vehicle Searches 1:00—3:00
reau of Narcotics in the amount of $1,909.86 on March 17,
11 Standard First Aid/CPR 8:00—5:00
2003. Officers Jennifer Lucht, M.L. Henley and James
11 Chemical Agents 3:00—5:00 Johnson discovered drugs, including a methamphetamine
12 HIV/AIDS Awareness 8:00—9:00 lab, while conducting home visits of offenders under
12 Bloodborne Pathogens 9:00—10:00 MDOC supervision. Their supervisor, CCAD Charles Bun-
nell, nominated officers Lucht and Johnson for an Extra
13 Classification/Disciplinary Procedures 3:00—4:00
Effort Award in February 2003 for their efforts.
16 Correctional Officer Academy 8:00—5:00 Claire Papizan
Office of Communications
16 Annual Refresher Training 8:00—5:00
16 Positive Approaches to Visitation 8:00—10:00
16 Emergency Actions/Procedures 10:00—11:00
MDOC Active In MDA Fundraiser
16 Excell II (SMCI) 1:30—5:00 For the tenth year, the Mississippi Department of Cor-
17 Excell II (SMCI) 8:30—12:00
rections (MDOC) was an active participant in the Muscular
Dystrophy Association’s (MDA) Cool and Casual Day
17 Excell II (SMCI) 1:30—5:00
fundraiser initiative. This year, MDOC collected over
18 Standard First Aid/CPR 8:00—5:00 $2,400 for MDA during Cool and Casual Day on May 9.
18 Power Point II (SMCI) 8:30—12:00 Cool and Casual Day is a day set aside in May by the
18 Power Point II (SMCI) 1:30—5:00
Governor for state agencies to assist MDA with their fund-
raising efforts. State employees are given the opportunity
19 HIV/AIDS Awareness 8:00—9:00
to purchase an MDA t-shirt or button to wear on the desig-
19 Bloodborne Pathogens 9:00—10:00 nated day.
19 Access II (SMCI) 8:30—12:00 Employees at all three MDOC prison facilities (MSP,
19 Access II (SMCI) 1:30—5:00
SMCI and CMCF), community corrections division em-
ployees and central office employees participated in this
20 Classification/Disciplinary Procedures 3:00—4:00 year’s Cool & Casual Day. Thanks to the coordinators in
20 MS Outlook (SMCI) 8:30—12:00 each area—Vivian Hoeflich (SMCI), Maud Irby (CMCF),
23 Correctional Officer Academy 8:00—5:00 Linda McIntyre (MSP), Bonnie Land (CC Region I),
Glenda McElroy (CC Region II), Jackie LaFontaine (CC
24 Interpersonal Communication/Field Staff 8:00—11:00
Region III) and Ken Jones (CO) - that helped make this
25 Counseling Techniques/Field Staff 1:00—4:00 event a success!
26 Workplace Violence 1:00—4:00
Office of Communications
Mississippi Department of
MS Department of Corrections
723 N. President Street
Jackson, MS 39202
Visit the MDOC website:
FROM THE EDITOR
For those of you who have had experience with computers and their glitches and
idiosyncrasies, and downright illogical workings, you may appreciate the following:
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up with the technology like the com-
puter industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gal-
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM
had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the follow-
ing characteristics: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. Every
June 14—Flag Day time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally
your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the
side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the win-
dows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. Only
one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “CarNT,” but then you would
have to buy more seats. The airbag system would ask “are you SURE?” before deploy-
ing. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
hold of the radio antenna. And finally, you would have to press the “Start” button to
turn the engine off.