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Monday Funnies - David M. Lynch

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									Hello Everyone,

Living in California, we get a lot of out of town visitors. And in order to make sure that
they have a reasonable chance of getting home in the same condition that they set out, we
have put together a couple of basic rules for driving in LA:
     Turn signals are clues to your next move. A real Californian driver never uses
       them.
     Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car
       in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an
       even more dangerous situation.
     Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the
       flow."
     The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of
       getting hit.
     Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in
       giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you
       without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
     Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last
       exit before the traffic begins to back up.
     The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful
       information. They are only there to make LA look high-tech... and to distract you
       from the police car parked in the median.
     Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare
       people entering the highway.
     Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and not enforceable
       in the metro area during rush hour. 80 miles per hour is the accepted highway
       speed limit, and real LA women drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup,
       talk on the phone, and smoke a cigarette while yelling at their kids at 80 miles per
       hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Real LA men drivers can phone, drink coffee
       and shave at 80 miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
     Learn to swerve abruptly. LA is the home of high-speed slalom driving, thanks to
       potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
     It is traditional in LA to honk your horn at cars that don't move the "instant" the
       light changes.

And finally, just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move
over doesn't mean that a LA driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he
can go faster in your spot.


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Now that’s impressive…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with
a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally
discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm
happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did
when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You
don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never
believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you
and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll
love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and
heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love.
Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK...
maybe I would have such sex with you...."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells
him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad:
"Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and
can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron
Katz.......

Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not everyone hates the cold…




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s a funny old world:

Be careful what you ask for…. The Monroe Chamber of Commerce has apologized to
Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco after auctioning off a dinner with the governor at
the governor's mansion. "This was not a reflection of the chamber's or the business
community's attitude toward the governor," said Chamber president Sue Edmunds.

The apology was not because they didn't have permission to do the auction as a fund-
raiser… as they did. The embarrassment came when the winning bid only reached $1.
(Shreveport Times) ...And that was still contingent on the governor picking up the tab.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things that make you go Hummm: another look at our courts…

A few weeks ago I gave you a few examples of rather strange Court rulings. Well I
found a few more… Conclusive evidence that our courts have gone mad…
      Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers
       after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture
       store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict,
       considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

      19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
       when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
       apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was
       trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

      Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just
       finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to
       go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter
       the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he
       pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked
       in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large
       bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation
       caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.

      A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
       Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx
       (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her
       boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you know?
Diamond Jim Brady (1856-1917) began his working life as a
bellboy and ended as a fabulously wealthy railroad tycoon,
financier, and philanthropist.
He was a flamboyant personality who was known to live life
large… and who had a large appetite

Some numbers associated with Diamond Jim’s eating habits: .
      1: Number of gallons of orange juice the millionaire
      railroad tycoon drank for breakfast.
      2: Number of pounds of candy Brady often finished a meal with - after dessert.
      6: Number of times the size of Brady’s stomach was, compared with a normal
      person’s stomach.
      8: Number of lobsters Brady often ate as dinner course or as "light" lunch.
      12: Number of eggs Brady liked in his soufflé.
      25: Number of "best customers" the owner of Charles Rector’s, an exclusive
      Broadway restaurant, said Brady represented - all by himself.
      72: Number of oysters with which Brady often started an evening’s repast.
       150,000: Number of dollars Brady reportedly paid a Boston chocolate
       manufacturer to build a larger factory to adequately supply the legendary
       gourmand.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sign of the week:
How about a baby with colic??...




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world’s worst: Radio Contest
Jennifer Lea Strange, 28, was found dead in her home after competing in a contest on a
local radio station called "Hold Your Wee for a Wii" -- with the prize being a Wii video
game console to the person who drank the most water without peeing. (How would they
know??). The coroner's preliminary findings are her death is due to water intoxication,
which occurs when someone drinks excessive water over a short time period.
The contest was held by station KDND, which promotes itself as "The End", and the
contest risks were not unknown to the organizers.
In fact during the contest, a nurse called the radio station to warn them that what they
were doing was extremely dangerous. One DJ said he was even aware of such a case
that ended in death, and another shrugged it off: "Yeah. They signed releases, so we're
not responsible." Humm..

The radio station (after the fact), has fired ten people over the incident, including the DJs,
and – sure enough -- the family is filing a lawsuit over it all. (One headline reads:
"Strange Family To File Wrongful Death Lawsuit"!). But that's not the station's only
worry: the county sheriff has opened a homicide investigation. And no, Ms. Strange
didn't even win the contest. (Sacramento Bee) ...One can only hope this wasn’t billed as
"Another killer promotion!"….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gadget of the week: The Rainmaker from Aqua Sciences

                                                  The science-fiction writer Arthur C.
                                                  Clarke once wrote that "any sufficiently
                                                  advanced technology is indistinguishable
                                                  from magic." Case in point: this water-
                                                  harvesting machine, invented and
                                                  marketed by Aqua Sciences, which can
                                                  pull up to 500 gal. of drinkable water per
                                                  day out of thin air.
                                                  Its precise workings aren't public, but they
                                                  use a chemical process similar to the one
                                                  that causes salt to absorb moisture from
                                                  the air (and clump up your saltshaker).
The machine itself isn't particularly portable -it's 20 ft. long, nor cheap - it costs about
$300,000, but it could prove to be a godsend for 3rd world countries, disaster areas or
troops in desert combat. To learn more: www.aquasciences.com


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Website of the week: Space Weather
This site doesn't provide the local forecast for the moon, but rather a lot about what you
can see in the sky. Have you looked up at night lately?
Space Weather gives you some specific things to look for, updates on astronomy-related
e-mail hoaxes (no, Mars will not look "as large as the full moon" in late August), and,
yes, a "weather report" about any storms forecast -- on the sun.
Why might you care about that? Solar flares can interrupt communications, and can
create spectacular northern (and southern) lights, if you're lucky enough to be at the right
latitude. Cool site… Check it out at: http://www.spaceweather.com/


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So you think you had a bad day?
A nice bit of parking!!
Finally, your motivation for the week:
Have a great week now,

David M Lynch
Email: dmlynch@ceoexpress.com

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons
were seriously inconvenienced. If you wish to be removed from this distribution list,
simply reply to this email and let me know, and as always, feel free to send me any jokes
you have..... D

And don’t forget… the full Monday Funnies Archive is available at www.dmlynch.com ..

								
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