The Five Love Languages Patra S. Pfotenhauer
What makes you feel loved in your relationships? What is your favorite way to express your affection towards those you love? Do you enjoy giving gifts to others? Would you rather have your spouse listen to you or take out the garbage? In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman defines the emotional needs individuals have in relationships as emotional love languages. Dr. Chapman believes that each individual has a primary way of communicating love. The five love languages that Dr. Chapman has identified are: Words of Affirmation- a specific compliment that affirms another person Quality Time- time spent with another person where meaningful conversation is shared Giving of Gifts- expression of love by giving gifts Acts of Service- expression of love by doing a specific action Physical Touch- expression of love by physically touching another person Often times in personal relationships an individual may feel isolated even if he is surrounded by the people he loves. If a person is in a foreign country and does not speak the native language, he may feel isolated. In the same way, Dr. Chapman believes that if two people are not speaking the same emotional language, an emotional language barrier is formed. He points out that all people express love and experience feeling loved in a variety of ways. Dr. Chapman believes that if two people speak two different love languages, emotional needs are not met and isolation occurs. For instance, if a husband's love language is words of affirmation and his wife rarely compliments him, he will slowly begin to feel unappreciated and unloved. However, if his wife knows that this is what makes him feel loved, she can intentionally focus on loving him by sharing words of affirmation. The majority of Dr. Chapman's book applies the five love languages to the marriage relationship. However, the concepts can be applied to all relationships. Dr. Chapman does an excellent job of defining each language and giving practical examples from real life situations. He also gives the reader advice and examples of how to express love using each particular language. Dr. Chapman shares story after story of how marriages were restored when couples discovered their love languages and began communicating in their spouse’s particular love language. The examples he shares of success stories are encouraging and they help the reader apply the love languages to a relevant setting. Dr. Chapman has also written a book entitled, The Five Love Languages for Children. In this book, he applies the five love languages to parenting. He concurs that children speak a particular love language as well, and parents can learn to meet the emotional needs of their children by loving them in their language. For instance, if one child’s language is quality time, a parent can intentionally spend time initiating conversation. Whereas, if another child’s language is words of affirmation, a parent can intentionally share more compliments with that particular child so he will feel loved and cared for.
Usage/Recommendation: A video curriculum and leader’s guide is available for both of the books, The Five Love Languages and The Five Love Languages for Children. A love language profile is included in each leader’s guide. The profile helps individuals determine what their love particular love language is. Both of the books can be used in the following ways:
1. Teach the five loved languages as a unit for pre-marital and marriage enrichment classes. 2. Teach the Five Love Languages for Children as a unit in a parenting class 3. Administer the love language profile to married and single adults. 4. Administer the love language profile to high school students. 5. Write a newsletter article describing the languages and the benefits of understanding them. 6. Provide the books as resources in the church library. 7. Give a copy of the The Five Love Languages as a wedding gift.
The five love languages is another tool among many that can be helpful and practical when equipping people of all ages with healthy communication skills. I do not believe that either curriculum has enough material to be used for more than a two-hour class session. The concept is very practical and it can be another technique for couples to use to improve their communication styles within their marriages. It can also be helpful for people of all ages to gain a clearer understanding of their own emotional needs and communication style. For Further Reading: Chapman, Dr. Gary. The Five Love Languages , Northfield Publishing, Chicago: 1992 Chapman, Dr. Gary. The Five Love Languages for Children, Northfield Publishing, Chicago: 1997. Chapman, Dr. Gary. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Two 35 minute video segments and Leader’s Guide) Lifeway Press: 1-800-458-2772 Chapman, Dr. Gary. The Five Love Languages for Children (Two 35 minute video segments and Leader’s Guide) Lifeway Press: 1-800-458-2772